second team pilot v7
TRANSCRIPT
SECOND TEAM
"Pilot"
ACT ONE
INT. JASON’S APARTMENT -- DAY
The alarm clock rings, but JASON HARTHOUSE (20’s, handsome in the cheesiest way possible) is already up. He hits snooze the second it buzzes.
He’s dressed in designer jeans and a trendy shirt. He goes to the mirror and works 25 dollars of product into his haircut.
His girlfriend, TRACY CALHOUN (20’s, pretty actress type) stirs in the bed they share. Not a morning person.
JASONGood morning, my darling. You look beautiful, as always.
That’s debatable at this grim early hour, but Jason means it sincerely. He means everything sincerely. He’s one of those guys who can identify sarcasm, but doesn’t quite get it.
Tracy rubs out eye crusties and hides under a pillow.
JASON (CONT’D)Sorry to wake you. Can I make you breakfast?
TRACYThat sounds like it would get in the way of me sleeping more.
JASONUh, I guess.
TRACYThen breakfast is an abomination that can go straight to hell.
JASONI keep telling you, you should do standup. Babe, have you seen my Rolex?
TRACYThat hunk of brass you got in Tijuana?
JASONI’m told it looks 95% authentic.
TRACYBy who the drug dealer who sold it to you?
JASONHe said he was working his way through bible college.
Jason finds his fake Rolex in a pile of Tracy’s laundry. He straps it on.
JASON (CONT’D)Best 20 bucks I ever spent. How do I look?
TRACYYou’re a stand-in. They’ll be happy if you show up wearing pants.
JASONDress for success! Did you know that Brad Pitt used to work as an extra on the Newhart show?
TRACYFor the millionth time, yes.
JASONI’d love to meet him sometime. I’ll bet he’s got the mother of all fashion advice.
Tracy throws a pillow at him. It hits him square in the face.
JASON (CONT’D)I’m being inconsiderate. Call me later. Love you.
He kisses the top of her head, the only bit of Tracy not covered by an Ikea duvet.
Tracy mutters something. Jason smiles as if it’s pure poetry.
He finds his Rolex knockoff and puts it on. He looks around the shambles of the one bedroom apartment they share.
JASON (CONT’D)I am the luckiest guy in the world.
EXT. 101 FREEWAY -- DAY
Jason limps his aging Mazda Miata out of the standstill traffic onto Ventura.
2.
He drives the tiny car with the top down. He wears a close approximation of Tom Cruise’s shades from Top Gun.
Someone in the adjacent lane in front of him throws a cigarette butt out the window. It flies into Jason’s car and hits him in the face.
Jason chuckles fondly as he stubs the cigarette out in his ashtray.
EXT. EDISON STUDIOS -- DAY
A giant studio in the valley. Imagine if Warner, Disney, and CBS Radford had a baby. The famous EDISON STUDIOS water tower looms over all, shading the equally famous statue of studio founder Thomas Edison.
Jason passes a billboard for DISTANT COUSINS. The six attractive stars frolic in an iconic fountain. He smiles.
DISTANT COUSINS is almost exactly FRIENDS. There’s a ROSS-TYPE, a MONICA-TYPE, a JOEY-TYPE, etc.
Jason looks at the Chandler-type actor. They could be brothers, except Joey is more brooding, and Jason is more handsome in a Sears-model way.
He flicks the billboard a cheery salute as he heads past the front gates. Hold on the front gate as his little car recedes to a massive parking structure, a ridiculous ways away.
EXT. STUDIO -- DAY
Jason walks up to JOE (40’s), a security guard who mans the side gate, flashes some ID.
JASONHey, Joe, whattyano?
JOESup, Jason! My dawg!
They pound fists.
EXT. STAGE 27 -- DAY
A giant sound stage. Various CREW load in equipment via the elephant door on the side. Jason waves to one.
JASONHey, Amy, how was Gwen’s recital?
3.
AMY THE PAShe danced like an angel. I’ll show you the tape.
JASONI’d like that.
Jason passes by PETER FOSSE (30’s, sardonic), who puffs on a vape while leaning against stage 27.
JASON (CONT’D)Sup, Pete? Have you seen today’s sides yet?
PETERI haven’t been inside yet. I’ll be damned if I’m going to check in a minute before call time.
JASONYour cynicism hurts me, man. You know what Conan O’Brien says?
PETERThe exact quote? Yeah, it’s tattooed on your forearm. That really plants it in the memory.
JASONTYou seen Andy around? Today’s the day we finish our web series. The one about stand ins?
PETEREveryone who’s ever worked as a stand in has had that idea.
JASONBut ours will be good. So you haven’t seen him?
PETERNo, I haven’t. He’s your friend, text him.
JASON I couldn’t reach him this weekend.
(Jason seems puzzled this)Well, I’m going to get some breakfast. Today’s going to be a great day, I can feel it.
PETERYou always say that.
4.
JASONAnd I’m always right. Remember, we’re all one phone call from the big acting break that changes our lives.
PETERI don’t act.
Jason looks at Peter like he said his mother just died.
JASONOh, right. I forgot.
Jason enters the studio, Peter shakes his head. His vapedies. He shakes it, checks the battery. Typical.
JASON (CONT’D)I read a report that those e-cigarettes are worse than the real thing.
PETERYou also read a report that quartz necklaces prevented pregnancy. I’m going to grab my spare battery.
INT. STUDIO 27 -- DAY
Jason enters the studio, where an an army of workers light a fake apartment with 5ks.
EXT. FAKE LIVING ROOM -- DAY
He goes up to touch an iconic couch, reverently. A pilgrim at Mecca. MARSHA THE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (30’s), think Bart Simpson’s teacher, walks up to him.
MARSHA THE ADI’ve told you not to touch that, kid.
JASONSorry, Marsha. I hope you had an amazing weekend.
MARSHA THE ADI have a hangover and a sore cervix. I’m not quite ready for your Mr. Rogers schtick today.
5.
JASONMarsha, you are as lovely as you are grouchy.
MARSHA THE ADTechnically, you’re not on the clock till seven, but do you mind starting early?
JASONNope. Not at all.
Marsha shakes her head with familiar exasperation. She hands Jason some papers.
MARSHA THE ADCome on, wardrobe dropped off your color cover.
Marsha hands Jason a cheap blue sweatshirt. They walk to set.
Jason passes the CHANDLER-TYPE ACTOR. He is dressed in character, in a blue leather jacket - it’s the same color as Jason’s borrowed sweatshirt, but like $3,000 more better.
JASONLooking good man!
Jason offers the Chandler-Type a cheery nod. The actor ignores him completely.
JASON (CONT’D)Ah, well. He’s busy. He has a lot of lines to memorize. I’m sure he’s a great guy--
MARSHA THE ADAnything’s possible.
EXT. THE STUDIO -- DAY
Peter walks back from the garage, puffing on his vaporizer. He sees a pretty girl that makes him stop in his tracks.
KRISTEN BRYANT (24, a tall, slim southern belle with dark hair) is running late. She looks at all the identical studio building, completely lost.
She checks a poorly xeroxed map of the lot. No clue. She drops her purse, struggles to catch it.
Peter walks up, helps.
6.
PETERYou’ve never done this before, huh? Come on, you can follow me to stage 27.
KRISTENThanks. What are you, psychic?
PETERI know you’re a stand in cause you look like Deena’s prettier sister. I know it’s your first day because no one who’s done this job would wear heels if they didn’t have to.
KRISTENNice deduction. I’m Kristen. And you must be... Marty’s stand in? You look just like him.
PETERWell, you’re either very kind or a complete liar.
KRISTENAspiring liar. That’s what my boyfriend calls acting, anyway.
PETERHe sounds great.
KRISTENI’m from Alabama (Roll Tide). But it’s my first day, and I’m already running late. Not a great start to my amazing Hollywood career.
PETERIt’s an accurate harbinger of things to come.
KRISTENSo how long have you been acting?
PETERI don’t act.
KRISTENBut you did, right?
(off his look)I mean, you stand and talk like someone who took Alexander classes.
7.
PETERWow. I’m impressed.
KRISTENI have my moments. So what’s the story there?
PETERHey, look, we’re here.
VAL (29) emerges from the studio. She wears juicy pants and a low cut top that shows off her ample cleavage. She looks like the Jersey Shore version of the Phoebe-knock off she’s playing.
PETER (CONT’D)Kristen, this is Val. Neither do as she says nor does.
VALOh, get bent Spock. They need you on stage.
Peter leaves, throwing a last admiring look at Kristen.
VAL (CONT’D)Screw him, I’m classy for days.
She fishes in her bra, pulls out her Nicorette gum.
VAL (CONT’D)Nicotine gum? I swear my tits don’t sweat much.
Kristen takes a piece, tentatively chews. Val chews a new piece, tucks the used piece back in her cleavage.
VAL (CONT’D)You can get a contact high from the chewed pieces. Come on, I’ll show you around. Don’t mind Peter, he considers any kind of hope a moral failing.
KRISTENAh, he was cool.
VALThen you have low standards. He’s like the burnt out version of one of them... whattyacall ‘em? Always finish last?
8.
KRISTENNice guys?
VALYeah, that. You meet all kinds of people in this job that you’d never meet in life. Watch out for ‘em, every guy here treats this place like it’s speed dating. Guys are pigs...
Just then, a handsome PRODUCTION ASSISTANT drives by on a golf cart.
VAL (CONT’D)My god, I would bang the heck out of him.
The production assistant is distracted by a figure on the horizon. He crashes his golf cart into another golf cart.
He and the other driver don’t even care. They’re both hypnotized by the beauty of...
AMBER KRYZGNWZSKI (20’s), a glamorous woman. Hyperreal, like a special effect.
KRISTENMy god, she’s beautiful.
VALDo not tell her that. It’s tough enough to work with her as it is.
KRISTENShe’s a stand in? For Deena? But they look nothing alike.
VALAnd somehow she gets away with it.
A guy walks by Amber. Distracted by, he walks into a post, whacking his nuts.
VAL (CONT’D)I know. She’s even nice, so I don’t even have a good reason to hate her. What a bitch.
Amber walks up to the door. She smiles at Val and Kristen.
AMBERHi Val. You must be the new girl, I’m Amber. I’ll see you inside.
9.
KRISTENI-I-I-- uh...
Amber heads inside. Kristen is stunned.
VALI thought you were straight.
KRISTENI thought I was--
VALDon’t worry about it. Everyone’s gay for Amber. It wears off in a couple weeks.
EXT. FAKE KITCHEN -- DAY
The DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY consults with his team.
Peter joins Jason on the set of a fake kitchen. Jason is at the sink. He wears a chef’s hat and stirs and empty bowl. He’s standing in for the ROSS-TYPE.
Kristen, Val, and Amber sit around. Amber is on her laptop. She’s always on her laptop.
JASONhere’s the scene: Donna’s identical cousin is visiting and you’re trying to retrieve her fake breast from that dumb waiter.
PETER The writing on this show is just amazing.
AUSTIN KOLBRENNER (18) shows up. He’s a gangly comedy geekwith aspirations of manhood. He wears a UCB teeshirt.
AUSTINWhat up muchachos? This is the season, I feel it.
JASONThat’s the spirit. You’re going to get an agent? Book a commercial?
AUSTINI am going to make Chelsea Carmichael my girlfriend.
10.
He looks adoringly at a the RACHEL-TYPE TV star who gets her makeup done.
JASONChelsea Carmichael? The star of this series?
PETERLast year the episode where she met her bizarro fat version of herself? You couldn’t closer it with that girl’s stand in.
AUSTINBut last year, I was a mere background player. An extra. This year I’m a stand-in. We’re part of the crew.
A CYNICAL TEAMSTER walks by, snickers at that.
CYNICAL TEAMSTEROh yeah. Absolutely.
AUSTINThats techincally true.
In the background a bunch of actual crew members race to build a set. They sweat as they use powertools.
Austin’s phone buzzes.
AUSTIN (CONT’D)Ooh, I have a building ready in Clash of Clans.
JASONWait a minute, who are you standing in for.
PETERAnd you legitimately think you have a chance with Chelsea Carmichael?
AUSTINI heard I’m replacing Andy.
JASONAndy’s out? But he didn’t say anything.
11.
PETERI mean Chelsea Carmichael makes a quarter million an episode. We make 17 an hour.
AUSTINWe all know you hate hope, but some of us dare to dream.
PETERAre you 19 yet?
AUSTINI don’t see how that’s relevant.
The real actors come in, the Joey-type, the Chandler-type, the Ross-type. They take over from the stand ins.
AUSTIN (CONT’D)What’s up, I’m you’re new stand in. Check it, i think the light is better just to the left of the wine cooler.
MARSHA THE ADDon’t talk to the actors, kid.
INT. FAKE COFFEE SHOP -- DAY
You know the type. Just as regular sitcom characters have a hangout, these characters hang out in the TV set version of a hangout.
Amber sits on a couch, on her lap top. She’s always on her laptop. Kristen and Val sit nearby.
KRISTENI can’t believe we get to hang on the Java Jive set. Remember when Danny had that big pitch meeting here, and the guy kept falling alseep and Danny was like ‘If you think that’s good, wait till you heark the kicker, and the guy was like o please god no. And then Karen came in in the hotdog outfit?
Kristen’s really into it. She does voices and everything.
VALI’ve never seen the show. You guys?
Amber, Peter, and Jason all shake their heads.
12.
JASONI keep meaning to.
AUSTINI’ve seen every episode. Chelsea Carmichael is so funny on the commentaries.
JASONHey, Val! Amber, stop typing. You’re supposed to be playing against type.
Amber laughs more than the bad joke deserves. She gets a kick out Jason. They fist bump. Jason notices Kristen.
KRISTENHi! It’s really nice to meet you, Jason!
JASONYou know me? Have you seen the web series I did about lacrosse?
Peter points to a piece of tape on Jason’s shirt. It says “Jason, stand in for Chet.
JASON (CONT’D)Oh, right. Anyway, welcome to our litte family.
PETERA family that just replaced Andy.
KRISTENAnd what happened to the girl I’m replacing?
AMBERNikki? She was stealing from our backpacks to feed her drug habit.
JASONEvery family has a black sheep. And I’m sure Andy’s fine.
VALYou didn’t hear?
Val tosses a copy of Variety.
JASONOh my god! Michael Ovitz is starting a fund to help animals?
13.
AUSTINThe other article.
INSERT: THE ARTICLE. A picture of ANDY, a handsome Jewish guy who you wouldn’t trust around your sister.
CSI: PITTSBURGH adds new series regular Andy Keener.
The rest of the page is defaced with a sharpie: I quit!!!
AUSTIN (CONT’D)He sent in 100 of these, via messenger.
JASONI’m sure if he knew how that could be read as douchey, he might not have done it.
VALI’m surprised you didn’t know. I thought you guys were besties.
JASONWe’re not besties because we’re not girls at a slumber party. And, uh, of course I knew.
JASON (CONT’D)Uh... of course I knew.
Everyone looks at him skeptically. Peter feels bad.
PETERIt’s true. Jason was just talking about texting him over the weekend.
It’s a good save, but Jason doesn’t get it.
JASONNo, remember, I was telling you that I hadn’t heard from him.
AUSTINYou know, for an an aspiring actor, you’re a truly lousy liar.
KRISTENAw, I miss my boyfriend.
JASONFine, I haven’t heard from him. But I’m sure he’s busy with stuff.
14.
VALHe’s been blowing up Amber’s snap chat all day.
Amber shrugs, apologetically.
JASONI gotta make a call.
EXT. STUDIO 27 -- DAY
Jason is on the phone, outside the studio. A gaggle of gaffers chain smoke American spirits.
Intercut with TRACY, Jason’s girlfriend. She drives a car.
TRACYI’m sure he’s just busy. Don’t worry about it babe.
JASONThanks Tracy. You’re my rock. I love you babe.
Tracy hangs up. She shakes her head.
TRACYPoor Jason. It’s not like him to worry.
Pull back to reveal that Tracy is sitting in a car with ANDY. He has his hand on her leg.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL: That they’re actually in a car on a set.
ANDYThere’s a part of me that kind of feels like a bad guy.
Tracy interrupts him with a kiss.
END ACT ONE
15.
ACT TWO
INT. FAKE COFFEE SHOP -- DAY
Jason re-enters the fake coffee shop, where Peter, Val, Kristen, Austin and Amber are all sitting around. Amber is on her laptop.
AUSTINOkay. Well, if he can get a series, I should be next. I paid my dues.
JASONAren’t you like 19?
AUSTIN18, actually. But that’s a ripe old age for Hollywood. Just you watch, Jason. I’m gonna make it next. I’ll be rolling in honeys. You know what I’m talking about.
JASONI just want to do the work.
MARSHA THE ADQuiet, dorks. Now here’s the scene: Donna’s identical cousin is visiting and you’re trying to retrieve her fake breast from that dumb waiter.
Jason climbs halfway into the dumbwaiter. A camera guy shines a light meter on his butt. Jason smiles, sincerely loving every moment of his job.
VALI don’t actually watch this show.
AMBERI keep meaning to...
KRISTEN(disappointed)
Oh. It’s just the show that got me through the last year of saving up to move to LA and kept me from despair, but... yeah, okay.
INT. FAKE LIVING ROOM SET -- DAY
Peter, Jason, and Austin are all on the couch.
16.
MARSHA THE ADAlright, one more rehearsal before we bring in first team.
She nods to first team, the actual stars, who lurk in directors chairs, texting on their phones.
Rehearsal is where the Stand In’s run through lines while the cameras practice blocking. Austin starts.
AUSTIN(reading badly)
So guys, I think we’ll need a new plan to save the bar.
PETER(doesn’t care)
No, we have to. I’ve had some of the happiest moments of my life there. Also, I’ve hung out with you guys.
Jason takes a moment, readies himself. He begins to act. He’s actually not bad, but he reeks of effort.
JASONDamn straight. That place is a home. And without a home, how can a family be a family?
MARSHA THE ADAlright, that’s a cut on rehearsal - Second team take five, we’re going to shoot this part with the guys, and get everyone in on the turnaround.
AUSTINYou know that they’re just checking sound, right? Chet doesn’t put that much effort into it, and he’s paid a quarter million an episode.
JASONChet is a very successful actor. He makes it look easy because he worked hard at his craft.
Austin and Peter look dubious. The SOUND GUY begins laughing.
SOUND GUYSorry, I had the mic on you Jason. Yeah, you keep believing.
17.
Jason considers the cynicism, shakes it off. He, Peter, and Austin go to the craft service table to eat snacks.
JASONI’ll bet your eating your words, Peter. You said I’d never make it.
PETERI said the odds were unlikely--
JASONPotato-potahto. Odds, Schmods. Uh, there’s gotta be a third one...
Jason struggles, he looks to Peter for help.
PETERI’m wrong, so I’m changing my song?
JASONYes, that! In your face, Peter.
AUSTINYou haven’t made it, Andy has. Has he even texted you yet?
JASONNot, yet, but he’s loyal. Andy’s my bro. He has been since we met in line at Central Casting. That’s a sacred bond. I’m sure he’s just busy.
Val joins them at the snack table.
JASON (CONT’D)He hasn’t been too busy to hit up Amber on Snapchat.
Jason takes that in. Austin is about to say something, but Peter shakes his head to stop him.
JASON (CONT’D)Hey, new girl! I’m Jason.
KRISTENHi! It’s really nice to meet you, Jason!
JASONYou know me? Have you seen the web series I did about lacrosse?
18.
Peter points to a piece of tape on Jason’s shirt. It says “Jason, stand in for Chet.”
JASON (CONT’D)It’s nice to see a friendly face. All these guys are sipping the haterade.
Amber looks up and chuckles. She gets a kick out of Jason.
VALShe’s been out here for one day. You’ve been here for six years. Don’t you think it’s a little strange that there isn’t a sliver of daylight between your two perspectives?
JASONNope.
KRISTENSo let me get this straight. We’re being paid to sit around?
PETERYes, often for 14 hour days. Lucky old us.
JASONIt’s all about maximizing your time, guys! Take me, I’m reading up on this play for my scene study class.
KRISTENOh, The tale of Marty and Bob? I love that play! Which character are you leaning toward?
Jason pauses, caught.
JASONOkay, I’ll start this tomorrow. My point is that cynicism is the great killer.
KRISTENI mean, there must be some upward mobility. I mean, this Andy guy got on CSI!
19.
PETER, AUSTIN, VAL (in unison)
It’s just CSI: PITTSBURGH.
KRISTENAnyway, the point is, miracles can happen.
AMBERYes, if you’re willing to screw the casting director. I saw him with Gertrude Hastings at Robert Evans’ Mid Summer Equinox Bash.
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. ROBERT EVAN’S HOUSE -- NIGHT
A wild party. Rich Hollywood types in black tie mill about. Dsperate model/actress/whatevers in humiliating PG-13 bondage gear stand around like human statues.
Amber, a guest, is bored. She combs her hair while checking her phone. She sees Andy with the aforementioned GERTRUDE (70’s), a squat troll of a woman. They make out furiously.
Amber rolls her eyes, grossed out. She gets up and approaches one of the human statues.
AMBER Where’s the bathroom?
The model struggles to articulate an answer through her ball gag. She ends up pointing instead. It’s Val.
BACK TO:
INT. FAKE COFFE SHOP -- DAY
AMBERThat was you?
AUSTINWell? Go on. What else happened at the bondage ball?
KRISTENAnyway, my point is that it can happen.
20.
AMBERSure, and men can lactate. It’s just not real common.
Austin sidles up next to Kristen, throws an arm around her shoulders.
AUSTINI used to think just like you. But this town makes you wise.
VALYou were in high school last year.
AUSTINAnd look how far I’ve come.
Marsha the AD comes in.
MARSHA THE ADAustin, we need you to photo double... get changed and we’re going to throw pudding at you.
Austin leaves, throwing a smirk at the others.
AUSTINJealous?
JASONThat’s the problem, for a city full of dreamers, no one dreams right. If you work hard, amazing things will happen. Andy said that. He’s gonna be like George Clooney. When he got big, he rented a house and all his friends moved in there. Now they’re all big stars.
VALWho?
JASONI dunno, that one guy from Spin City. Someone else... the point is, we’re a family. Remember, Andy said that at the Christmas party.
PETERWe were all really drunk. Like Val on a Tuesday evening drunk.
21.
VALFrom what little I remember, I was impressed by that.
AMBERRemember when Andy lost all that weight and he dumped his girlfriend for Heather Graham’s stunt double?
JASONLook, That place is a home. And without a home, how can a family be a family?
PETERYou literally stole that from the scene we just did.
JASONWisdom can come from many sources, Peter.
KRISTENLook, I know I’m new here, but you guys seem really nice. I think it’s great that you all get along. Do you want to get drinks after work?
Everyone hesitates. No one loves the idea.
AMBERI guess there’s a first time for everything.
JASONWe’ve hung out.
PETERYeah, the Christmas party... that one time in Encino.
EXT. ENCINO -- FLASHBACK
The second team are at their cars at a lot that overlooks the 405. It’s gridlocked.
AMBERWow, it’s a parking lot out there.
PETERWe could get drinks at the bar over there.
22.
VALOr we could sit quietly in our own cars.
They consider that, spending way more time thinking about that than they really out to.
BACK TO:
INT. STAGE 27 -- DAY
The stand-ins, as before.
VALOther than that, it was always you and Andy.
Jason considers that. Sad.
JASONI’m going to make a call.
He wanders away. Val whispers to Amber and Kristen.
VALOkay, this is getting sad. Amber, can you just tell Andy to text Jason so he’ll shut up?
AMBERWould that really be doing him a favor?
KRISTENWell, sure it would---
Jason reenters.
JASONYou all think Andy’s dumping me, don’t you? He’ll text me.
Just then, Amber’s phone buzzes. It’s face up, a distance away, so Jason can see it’s a text from Andy.
INSERT: Hey Amber, I’m on the lot! Let’s get lunch! Lots to celebrate.
AMBERUm, pretend you didn’t see that.
23.
KRISTENOkay, he’s hitting on Amber, but I mean, look at her.
AMBERAw, thanks!
JASONSo if Andy’s on the lot. And he didn’t text me? That means... I can say hi and surprise him. Cover for me, Amber. Say I’m in the bathroom.
AMBERI really don’t want that responsibility.
But Jason is already out the door.
KRISTENYou and Andy aren’t dating, right?
VALYeah, because if there’s one thing Amber could never have, it’s a 12th billed regular on a low-rated show.
Peter, Amber, and Val all have a good laugh at that. Like a big laugh. Kristen frowns.
KRISTENJason’s right. This city has made you guys cynical. If you think the best of people--
PETER.Kristen, everyone here is here because they want to be amazing. Loved. Famous. You can’t want that unless a part of you wants to be with cooler people than you’re currently with.
VALThat’s a dick thing to say, Peter.
PETERAm I wrong?
Val shuts up.
KRISTENYeah. I think you are.
24.
PETERYou sure stuck it out with all the people who loved you in Alabama.
Kristen reacts as if struck. Peter instantly regrets what he said. The moment just hangs there.
KRISTENExcuse me. I have to call my boyfriend.
She leaves. Val and Amber look at Peter askance.
VALNice, Peter. Want to kick some puppies while you’re at it? I have a sick cousin in the hospital, you can tell him he’s not gonna get well.
PETERLook, it had to be said. I’m not wrong, am I?
They just look at him.
PETER (CONT’D)I didn’t mean-- I mean, she’ll have to learn sooner or later...
For the first time, Amber looks up from her computer. Disappointed, not unkind.
AMBERPeter, I’m just going to ask you this as a friend: when in your life has you being right ever made someone else happy?
PETERGod damn it, I’m going after her.
AMBERWe’re about to shoot.
PETERTell Marsha I’m in the bathroom.
AMBERBut Jason already--
But Peter’s gone. Val thinks about it, gets up.
25.
VALYou know what to do.
AMBERWhere are you going?
VALThe bathroom. Some of us have actual needs.
Amber is left alone. Marsha comes in.
MARSHAWhat do you actually do on that computer all day?
AMBERVideo poker.
MARSHA THE ADSeriously?
AMBERI only make 100 an hour, but it relaxes me.
MARSHA THE ADWhat the hell are you ever doing here?
AMBERHealth insurance. I’m too short to model, I’m a terrible actor, and the less said about that hip hop album the sheik made me record, the better.
MARSHA THE ADWhere is everyone?
AMBERThey all went to the bathroom. Um, you know how girls who live together all get on the same cycle?
MARSHA THE ADFine, don’t tell me.
EXT. STUDIO -- DAY
Jason jogs across the lot, heading to the commissary.
26.
He sees Andy at a table, sporting douche bag shades. Jason is delighted. He jogs over.
A slow motion jogging shot. Reunited and it feels so good. It’s basically a send up of that cliche shot of lovers running through the meadow as Ode to Joy plays.
But then Andy’s face is blocked by something. A woman’s head.
Wider to reveal... Tracy sitting on Andy’s lap. Jason was so fixated on Andy that he literally did not see her until now, when he’s 5 feet away from Andy’s table.
Realization dawns. Jason stares at Andy and Tracy heartbroken.
JASONMy girlfriend. My best friend... how...
Jason falls to his knees. Lets out a scream to the heavens.
JASON (CONT’D)Nooooooooooooooo!
They see him, their eyes widen, Andy’s lip still gently extended between Tracy’s pearly white teeth.
TRACY(teeth on Andy’s lip)
On some level, I think I wanted him to see us.
End Act Two
27.
ACT THREE
EXT. COMMISARY -- DAY
Andy and Tracy sit awkwardly, busted.
Jason is on his knees.
JASONNooooooooooooooooooooo!
TRACYAfter the third time you do that, it loses impact.
JASONWell it’s how I feel. How long has this been going on?
ANDYI don’t know. When did we meet again?
JASONTwo years and four months ago. We met in line at Central Casting.
ANDYOh, then about two years and three months. She hasn’t been happy in a long time, Jason.
TRACYI can speak for myself, Andy.
She struggles for words.
TRACY (CONT’D)I haven’t been happy in a long time, Jason.
JASONNeither have I. But relationships take work. I--
She shakes her head sadly. And Jason’s hope dies.
JASON (CONT’D)No, you’re right.
He turns away, choking back tears. His shoulders shake as he fights the sobs. He forces himself to adopt a transparently desperate attempt at false joy.
28.
JASON (CONT’D)Boy.... This is going to make things difficult on our web show, huh Andy?
Andy and Tracy exchange looks.
EXT. STUDIO -- DAY
Peter runs across the lot looking for Kristen.
He finds her walking by Studio 29.
PETERWhere are you going?
KRISTENAway. To my car. Home.
PETERKristen, that’s not--
KRISTENShut up! I don’t care about this stupid job. I just want to go.
PETERI mean, that’s not the garage you parked in.
He points to the other garage, seemingly miles away.
Kristen looks at the shitty Xerox map from act one. She shreds it in anger.
KRISTENI really hate this place.
PETERI’m really sorry--
KRISTENNo you’re not. You’re apologizing because you think I’m pretty and you want to sleep with me.
PETERSo?
Kristen shakes her head, fighting a smile.
29.
PETER (CONT’D)You have trouble staying mad at people, huh?
KRISTENI really do and I hate myself for it.
(thinks about it)No, I can’t stay mad at me...
PETERWell, then stay mad at me. I deserve it. I’m awful. I act like I know everything. I act like I’m better than people because I lost all hope years ago.
KRISTENHow long did that take?
PETERAbout a year. I had a great girl, I had a dream and I screwed up both by being me. I swore I’d change, but true to form, I stopped trying.
KRISTENAt least you lasted a year. It took me what, a day?
PETERYeah, but you had me to help you. I’m like the Michael Jordan of stepping on dreams.
KRISTENIt took me a year to save up to move here. I was hoping, it’d be, I dunno... Awesome. I know that sounds stupid.
PETERNo, it makes perfect sense. Hollywood is well known as an artistic Mecca for the sensitive.
KRISTENWhy is being a sarcastic dick your go to move?
PETERIt’s my comfort zone. I’m sorry. I’m trying to change. Or at least I was.
30.
KRISTENHow’s this? Next time you do, I’m just going to poke you. It’ll change your pattern. It works for the dog whisperer.
Peter is about to say something. Kristen pokes him.
PETERWow, that actually worked. You’re really nice, Kristen.
KRISTENAwww, thanks.
(pause)We’re never going to date.
PETERTrue. I have no game. Can we jump ahead to the point where we’ve settled into an easy friendship?
KRISTENWouldn’t that just mean you’re simmering with a burning resentment and hostility?
PETERThen let’s skip ahead to after we’re amicably divorced. There’s a mutual respect, but we’re just not compatible.
KRISTENMaybe we had a kid who died. But he was like, retarded, so it’s not as sad as it otherwise could be.
PETERThat’s really dark.
KRISTENI have other facets.
PETERWell, we’ll always have the good times!
EXT. STUDIO -- DAY
Peter and Kristen walk back to the studio.
They see Jason with Andy.
31.
ANDYJason, I’d love to help you out, but every time I see you I’ll remember how I did you wrong with Tracy. Do you really want to put me through that?
JASONI guess not...
ANDYI have a meeting with Brett Ratner’s people. I’ll see you around, man.
Andy smiles douchilly and leaves.
Jason is shattered. Peter and Kristen approach.
KRISTENAre you okay?
JASONNo. Nothing is okay. You were right and I was wrong.
Peter’s phone buzzes.
PETERCan we discuss this on the way back to the set? Amber says if we’re not there in five, we’re all fired.
JASONWhat’s the point? We get to stand around in service of nothing. Do you really think I’m going to get excited by the chance to struggle in service of nothing. So I can suffer in the desert? Fall in love with girls who leave you for more money and more coke?
PETERThat’s your basic high school nihilism. Where do you even get that nonsense?
JASONYou said it. At the Christmas party.
PETERGoddamn it.
32.
Peter gives up on logic and just grabs Jason and drags him along bodily. Jason is to depressed to resist.
INT. FAKE LIVING ROOM SET -- DAY
The stand ins are all in the living room. They are rehearsing the same scene as before, except this time the girls are there.
Awkward tension.
MARSHA THE ADGuys, who died? Remember, you’re all friends. Let’s see some energy! Goddamn, I wish I got paid to surf the web all day.
AUSTIN(reading badly)
So guys, I think we’ll need a new plan to save the bar.
Peter looks around. He tries to meet Jason’s gaze, but Jason is lost in his sadness.
PETERWe have to. I’ve had some of the happiest moments of my life there. Also, I’ve hung out with you guys.
This is a different Peter. Emotional. Invested. Sorry.
Jason smiles at Peter, claps him on the shoulder.
JASONDamn straight. That place is a home. And without a home, how can a family be a family?
(Note to actor who ends up playing Jason. Please make this line, really, really fucking good).
Even the cynical sound guy and Wendell the teamster are given a pause by the force of his read.
AMBERAre you guys still talking about this?
PETERIt’s about more than this.
33.
VALThis is stupid and I don’t want to be a part of it.
(pause)I’m in.
KRISTENYou guys...
She smiles. A nice moment for everyone.
MARSHA THE ADSecond team? This is when you hug.
The second team all do a group hug. They mean it.
AUSTIN(reading badly)
Uh, guys, that vibrator I bought? It’s gone boo-boo bananas.
The second team all look at him sharply.
AUSTIN (CONT’D)What? It’s in the sides.
MARSHA THE ADOkay, that’s a wrap on rehearsal. Let’s get first team in and shoot this puppy.
INT. VIDEO VILLAGE -- DAY
On the first team, the stars, standing by, ready to shoot the scene for real.
The RACHEL-TYPE character raises an eyebrow.
RACHEL-TYPEDamn, they’re really bringing their A game.
ROSS-TYPEWhat?
The others totally ignore the moment, absorbed in their cell phones. The “real stars” take the place of their stand-ins.
INT. STAGE 27 -- NIGHT
The second team all sits around.
34.
MARSHA THE ADThat is a wrap!
The crew cheers and begins taking down the lights and such.
INT. FAKE COFFEE SHOP -- DAY
The Stand Ins gather up their stuff.
JASONI didn’t know you could act, Peter.
PETERThat? That was me just talking with emotion.
JASONI didn’t know you could do that either. Anyway, thank you. I was at my lowest today, and you were totally cool.
PETERThat’s the problem with high hopes. They lead to big crashes.
JASONI don’t mind. The walls that keep out disappointment also keep out joy.
PETERWho said that?
JASONAndy. But he’s right. I’m not going to let this city change me. And if you want, I’ll cut you in on this web series. It’ll be huge.
PETERJason, that sounds idio--
Kristen walks by. She pokes him.
PETER (CONT’D)We’ll talk.
Marsha the AD signs them out.
MARSHA THE ADGet out of here. See you in 8 hours, bright and early.
35.
EXT. STUDIO -- NIGHT
The stand ins leave as a group. Kristen smiles at Peter.
KRISTENNicely done.
PETERThanks. Hey, our hypothetical dead kid. What’s his name?
KRISTEN(thinks)
Asa.
PETERThat’s a nice name.
KRISTENGlad you’re on board. I’m still not going to sleep with you.
PETERGood. Who’s asking you?
KRISTENYou, with every fiber of your being.
JASONHell of a day.
AMBERI had concert tickets. Oh well.
AUSTINWhy would you buy tickets on a day you were working?
AMBERBuy?
She pulls a brick sized stack of gift wrap tickets out of her purse. She peels off the top two and throws them out.
VALI need to mainline some sleep.
They all agree.
JASONOr -- and I know this is crazy, you guys could let me buy you a round of drinks.
36.
No one wants to, but then they all nod.
AUSTINI’m 18.
JASONStill? God, man, up your ID game.
AUSTINWe could go to a restaurant that serves food and spirits. I could sit their and it would almost be the same.
PETERI live a half mile from here. We can go there, have one drink, and then you call all kindly go home.
JASONGreat, let’s all go to Peter’s, where I suddenly realize I’ll be staying tonight because I can’t go home to Tracy, after all.
PETERGreat...
Peter spits this out sardonically, but then Kristen pokes him in the ribs and he smiles.
EXT. THE STUDIO -- NIGHT
The stand-ins all leave the studio in their various, character appropriate cars.
END THIRD ACT
37.
TAG
The actual scene.
ROSS-TYPESo guys, I think we’ll need a new plan to save the bar.
JOEY-TYPENo, we have to. I’ve had some of the happiest moments of my life there. Also, I’ve hung out with you guys.
The cast looks tired, phoning in the lines in every way possible. It’s not good.
INT. EDITING ROOM -- NIGHT
Two producers watch the dailies and frown.
PRODUCER 1Hard to believe there’s 10 million dollars worth of talent on that stage.
Producer 2 scribbles something on an index card.
PRODUCER 2You know, if we changed this line in scene 13, we could cut this entirely. Save it for the DVD.
Producer 1 reads it.
PRODUCERYeah, that’s way better. Welp, today was 450,000 well spent.
PRODUCER 2At least we’re working.
They leave the editing bay, down a hallway where workmen hang new poster for CSI: PITTSBURGH featuring a smiling Andy with his arm around Kate Upton.
END OF SHOW
38.