self disclosure and receiving feedback ou… · if the sender is angry, his ability to send...

SELF DISCLOSURE

AND RECEIVING

FEEDBACK

INTENSIVE OUTPATIENT LESSON 5

cfirststepcounselingonline 2014 1

PATHWAYS TO SELF-AWARENESS AND

CHANGE

• SELF-AWARENESS—BEING AWARE OF OURSELVES—IS A KEY TO OPENING THE DOOR TO CHANGE OUR THINKING, FEELINGS AND ACTIONS. THERE ARE TWO PATHWAYS TO SELF-AWARENESS. ONE IS THROUGH SELF-DISCLOSURE—SHARING AND DISCLOSING OUR PERSONAL EXPERIENCES AND PROBLEMS. THE OTHER IS TO HAVE OTHERS GIVE THE FEEDBACK—WHICH IS HAVING OTHERS TELL US WHAT THEY SEE AND FEEL ABOUT WHAT WE HAVE SHARED AND DISCLOSED.


• SELF-DISCLOSURE IS NOT EASY SINCE DURING MUCH OF OUR LIVES

WE HAVE BEEN TOLD TO NOT TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS AND

PROBLEMS. OR, IF WE DID EXPRESS OUR FEELINGS AND

THOUGHTS, WE OFTEN WERE PUT DOWN OR EVEN PUNISHED FOR

WHAT WE SAID. OFTEN WE WERE TOLD NOT TO GET ANGRY OR TO

BE HAPPY WHEN WE WERE SAD. IF WE DID SHOW OUR FEELINGS, IT

WAS AFTER WE STORED THEN UP AND THEN THEY CAME OUT BY

“BLOWING UP” OR THROWING A TANTRUM OR WE WOULD JUST

POUT AND GET SULLEN.


• Also during our years of childhood and youth, we most likely were not

taught ways to tell our thoughts or show our feelings in healthy ways. We

were often taught to blame others, since that is the way most adults solve

their frustrations and problems. Or, we learned to solve problems by

someone being right and someone being wrong. We still hold on to the old

ways of showing our feelings and thoughts by losing our temper when upset,

or by getting depressed when we don’t get our way.


• IN THIS PROGRAM OF SELF-IMPROVEMENT AND CHANGE, WE WANT

YOU TO TALK ABOUT YOURSELF, EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS AND

THOUGHTS, EXPLORE YOUR PAST AND PRESENT FEELINGS,

EXPLORE YOUR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS AND TELL US YOUR

STORY.

• BEING OPEN TO GETTING FEEDBACK FROM OTHERS IS ALSO

DIFFICULT. MOST OF THE TIME, WHAT WE GET FROM PEOPLE IS

NOT FEEDBACK BUT IS A REACTION TOWHAT WE HAVE DONE. IT IS

USUALLY A JUDGEMENT OF US. TELLING US WE ARE WRONG.


• . BLAMING US FOR SOMETHING. FEEDBACK IS MOST HELPFUL WHEN PEOPLE MAKE IT CLEAR THAT THIS IS HOW THEY SEE US. THEY MAKE IT CLEAR THAT IT IS THEIR VIEW OF US. IT IS THEIR OPINION. WE LISTEN TO BECOME MORE AWARE OF WHO AND WHAT WE ARE.

• WHEN YOU ENTER THIS PROGRAM OF SELF-IMPROVEMENT AND CHANGE, YOU ARE SAYING “GIVE ME FEEDBACK ABOUT ME. TELL ME ABOUT ME SO THAT I CAN CHANGE.” BUT THE FEEDBACK WILL BE GIVWEN TO YOU IN A NON-BLAMING MANNER. YOU WILL NOT BE TOLD YOU ARE RIGHT OR WRONG. THE FEEDBACK IS GIVEN TO YOU TO HELP YOU BERCOME MORE AWARE OF YOURSELF


GOALS & OBJECTIVES

• LEARN COMMUNICATION SKILLS THAT WILL HELP YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF AND TO SELF DISCLOSE;

• LEARN COMMUNICATION SKILLS THAT WILL GET OTHERS TO TALK WITH YOU ABOUT THEMSELVES;

• LEARN SOME TOOLS ON HOW TO WRITE DOWN AND RECORD YOUR THOUGHTS AND LIFE EXPERIENCES;

• LEARN COMMUNICATION SKILLS THAT WILL GET OTHERS TO TALK WITH YOU ABOUT THEMSELVES;

• LOOK MORE DEEPLY AT YOUR AOD USE AND INVOLVEMENT IN CRIMINAL CONDUCT.

• BE OPEN TO RECEIVING FEEDBACK ON HO STAFF AND OTHER PERSONS IN HE PROGRAM SEE YOU AND THEN MAKE UP YOUR MIND WHETHER THAT FEEDBACK FITS YOU. IF IT DON’T APPLY; LET IT FLY.


SELF-DISCLOSURE AND RECEIVING FEEDBACK: PATHWAYS TO

SELF-AWARENESS AND CHANGE

• WHAT WE WILL DO IN THIS SESSION:

• TWO KINDS OF COMMUNICATION THAT, AS HUMANS, WE USE

IN RELATING TO OTHERS. THEY ARE NONVERBAL AND

VERBAL.


NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

• NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION IS “TALKING” WITHOUT WORDS.

WE SHOW IT THROUGH OUR FACE, HOW WE MOVE OUR BODY AND

OUR HANDS, AND IN THE TONE OF OUR VOICE. IN THIS WAY WE

TELL PEOPLE WHAT WE THINK AND FEEL. WHAT WE SHOW BY OUT

“TALKING” WITHOUT WORDS (NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION)

OFTEN IS NOT THE SAME AS OUR TALKING WITH WORDS (VERBAL

COMMUNICATION). IF WE ARE TO HAVE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND US,

WE MUST SAY THE SAME THING WITH WORDS THAT WE SAY

WITHOUT WORDS.


THINK ABOUT HOW YOU WOULD SHOW THESE EMOTIONS WITHOUT WORDS—

NON-VERBALLY.

• ANGER FEAR SHAME JOY LOVE SURPRISE


Verbal communication

• VERBAL COMMUNICATION IS TALKING WITH WORDS. WHEN USING WORDS TO COMMUNICATE, WE NEED TO CHECK OUT IF THE OTHER PERSON IS UNDERSTANDING US. KEEP IN MIND THAT PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS. THOSE OPINIONS ARE BASED ON HOW EACH OF US SEES THE WORLD. MOST OFTEN, THESE OPINIONS ARE NOT RIGHT OR WRONG. THEY ARE OPINIONS. CLEAR AND HONEST VERBAL COMMUNICATIONS HELP OTHER PEOPLE UNDERSTAND US. CLEAR AND HONEST VERBAL COMMUNICATION WILL HELP US BETTER UNDERSTAND OUR OWN THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND BEHAVIORS. THEN WE CAN CHANGE THOSE THOUGHTS AND BEHAVIORS THAT ARE HURTING US AND OTHERS.


• Components

• Effective communication begins with encoding, or the skill of relaying a message in a clear, direct way that allows the receiver to correctly decode your message, notes the MindTools.com website. Decoding, another essential component of effective communication, is a skill as well as it requires the receiver to ensure that he properly heard and understood the message being sent. The MindTools.com website states that the key to properly encoding a message is knowing your audience, while active listening is required to correctly decode a sent message.


• Context

• Considering the context of communication improves its effectiveness.

Context takes into consideration the age, region, sex and intellectual abilities

of the recipient. For example, when speaking to an elementary school child

about the importance of brushing teeth, you should choose different,

developmentally-appropriate words and examples when discussing this issue

than you would when talking to a teenager or an adult.


• Body Language

• Body language -- also known as nonverbal communication -- body language includes posture, position of hands and arms, eye contact and facial expressions. Body language that is consistent with verbal content improves understanding, while body language that is inconsistent with what is said creates confusion about the real message. For example, someone may say, “I really want to hear your opinion on this;” however if the person is looking away, has his arms folded or is clearly distracted, his body language will communicate an entirely different message.


• Interference

• Emotions can interfere with effective communication. If the sender is angry,

his ability to send effective messages may be negatively affected. In the same

way, if the recipient is upset or disagrees with the message or the sender, he

may hear something different that what was intended by the sender.

Considering emotions, language and conceptual barriers is essential to

effective communication


• Addressing Barriers

• The MindTools.com website suggests that it's essential to address and

remove any barriers to effective communication, such as lengthy or

disorganized messages or offering too much information at one time. It's

recommended that a consideration of other people's time is made to allow

for more succinct and direct message delivery. Cultural competency and the

ability to deliver your message to different types of people will also aid in

communicating messages effectively.


“I” messages

• I-Messages

• I-messages were originally studied by Dr Haim Ginott, a noted psychologist, who discerned that statements starting with ‘I’ tended to be less provocative than those starting with ‘you'.

• If you consistently use statements like:• You broke your promise• You weren't listening to me• You're always late


• I can guarantee that these responses will provoke a defensive or hostile reaction

from the person you are talking to. They will feel like they are being blamed and

they will start to deny their wrong-doing and possibly start to blame back. This sets

you up for a lengthy argument and continues the conflict.

• With I-messages the focus is on how you feel about a situation, which you clearly

state, not on how terrible the other person is for causing it. Psychologist John

Gottman, one of the world’s foremost relationship scientists, points to the

importance of introducing our complaints in a ‘softer’ non-critical, non-

contemptuous way if we are to obtain resolution.


• So what is an I-message?

• I-messages focus on what you feel about someone’s behavior and simply state a problem, without blaming someone for it. This makes it easier for the other person to help solve the problem, without having to admit that they were wrong.

• I-messages usually contain four elements: (1) How I feel about the behavior and its effects(2) A description of the behavior, what actually happened(3) The actual, concrete, tangible effects of that behavior on you(4) The behavior you would prefer


• Another way they can be expressed is like this:I feel _________________ (express your feeling)when you _____________ (describe the action that affects you or relates to the feeling)because _______________ (explain how the action affects you or relates to the feeling)When can I-messages be used?

• I-messages can be used to explain your concern when you own a problem. Other types of I-messages can be used to share your views and feelings when there is no problem.

• Let’s imagine you are car-pooling to work with a friend who tends to be tardy. This causes you to be late and you fall behind at work. If you let your anger build up and fuel your behavior you might say, ‘I’m sick and tired of you coming late every day and causing me work problems. How can you be such an insensitive jerk?’


• Such a comment might make you feel good for the moment. After all, your friend caused you pain, why not give some back? Indeed, your comment probably would hurt your friend. In some cases, you may even resolve the problem in the process, but you also risk causing anger or resentment in return, which could cause some people to be deliberately late in defiance. You may even loose the friendship entirely.

• If you value the friendship and wish to be more certain of resolving the problem you would be wiser to use ‘I’-messages. In this case you could say something like this:

• I feel frustrated (how you feel)whenever you are late picking me up (description of offending behavior)it causes me to be late for my job (concrete effect on you)and I really need you to be more punctual (the behavior you would prefer)


• Another example of an I-message is this:

• I find it irritating (how you feel)when you cancel our plans at the last minute (description of offending behavior)it’s usually too late to make other plans (concrete effect on you)and I really would like you to let me know in advance when you think our plans are not going to work out. (the behavior you would prefer

• .


• What does an I-message do?

• When people start using I-messages with family members, work colleagues or people they are in conflict with, they are generally rewarded in a variety of ways.

• An I-message:1. Has a high chance of changing the behavior of another person when you find that behavior unacceptable. 2. Protects the self esteem of the other person. 3. Preserves the quality of the relationship between you and the other person. 4. Helps the other person to understand what goes on between you better, and to improve their performance


• Many people experience that their use of I-messages greatly reduces nagging and

hassling. They stopped using rewards and punishments to get things done. They

were not a necessity anymore. Others told us they have become more open and

honest, not only with their spouses and friends, but also with their work colleagues

and bosses.

• Many people were also surprised to discover how often the people around them

demonstrated a willingness to help, once they were told that they were hurting. And

they were amazed at the ability of these people to find creative and appropriate

solutions after learning they had been causing them a problem.


• It would be nice if we never had relationship problems, but we do. Learning

to manage them, therefore, is our best hope. Using I-messages is one way to

handle everyday interpersonal difficulties that works. Communicating our

annoyance, irritation, frustration and anger in this more controlled fashion is

an effective outlet for these negative feelings. In the process we are less likely

to cause reactions that may serve to perpetuate our problems.


DEVELOPING SELF-AWARENESS THROUGH SELF-ORIENTED

COMMUNICATION

• THERE ARE TWO WAYS THAT WE DIRECT OURSELVES IN COMMUNICATING WITH OTHERS: SELF-CENTERED COMMUNICATION AND OTHER-ORIENTED COMMUNICATION. BOTH ARE IMPORTANT IF YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND AND BE UNDESTOOD. YOU NEED SKILLS TO DO BOTH.

• 1. SELF-ORIENTED COMMUNICATION: THIS IS COMMUNICATION ABOUT YOU. IT IS MADE UP OF TWO KINDS OF COMMUNICATION: SELF-DISCLOSURE AND RECEIVING FEEDBACK.


SELF-DISCLOSURE

• SELF-DISCLOSURE INVOLVES TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF AND NOT THE OTHER PERSON. IT IS SHARING WITH SOMEONE, YOUR COUNSELOR, TRUSTED FRIEND, YOUR GROUP, HOW YOU SEE YOUR PAST AND YOUR CURRENT FEELINGS, THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS. IT IS USING THE “I” MESSAGE IN COMMUNICATION. YOUR MESSAGE IS “THIS IS HOW I SEE MYSELF,” THIS IS WHAT HAS HAPENDED TO ME, “I FEEL, I THINK.” SELF-DISCLOSURE DOES THREE THINGS. THESE ARE KEYS TO CHANGE.


• IT TELLS YOU ABOUT YOURSELF. IT IS YOU TALKING TO

YOURSELF. YOU ARE DISCLOSING TO YOURSELF. THUS, YOU

ARE MAKING YOURSELF MORE AWARE.

• IT ALLOWS OTHERS TO SEE WHO YOU ARE AND ALLOWS

OTHERS TO GIVE YOU HONEST FEEDBACK ON HOW THEY SEE

YOU.

• IT HELPS OTHERS TO SELF-DISCLOSE TO YOU.


• USE THE WORD “I” AND NOT “YOU” IN THIS KIND OF

COMMUNICATION. WHEN WE START WITH THE WORD “YOU”

WE ARE TAKING ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON, AND NOT

ABOUT OUR OWN FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS. WHEN WE ARE

MAD AT SOMEONE, OR IN CONFLICT, WE SE THE WORD “YOU.”

WE WANT TO BLAME , TELL THEOTHER PERSON WHAT HE OR

SHE SHOULD DO OR DID. PRACTICE TALKING WITH OTHRS

USING ONL THE WORD “I” AND NOT THE WORD “YOU.”


RECEIVING FEEDBACK

• RECEIVING FEEDBACK INVOLVES LISENING TO SOMEONE AS

TO HOW THEY SEE YOU. FEEDBACK IS LESS THREATENING IF

THE OTHER PERSON MAKES YOU FEEL THAT THIS IS ONLY HIS

OR HER OPINION AND IS NOT NECESSARILY TRUE. WHAT YOU

REALLY SAY IS “TELL ME ABOUT ME.” WE WILL LOOK AT

WHAT MAKES UP GOOD FEEDBACK STATEMENTS AS WE LOOK

AT OTHER-ORIENTED COMMUNICATION BELOW.


• WHEN WE RECEIVE FEEDBACK FROM OTHERS, IT IS IMPORTANT

THAT WE WANT THEM TO TELL US HOW THEY SEE US. AS WELL, WE

WANT TO NOT BE DEFENSIVE, FOR WHEN WE GET DEFENSIVE, WE STOP THE OTHER PERSON FROM SHARING THEIR VIEWS AND THOUGHTS ABOUT US. WHEN FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS

ARE HIGH BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE, THIS IS NOT ALWAYS POSSIBLE.

THE FEEDBACK BECOMES BLAMING AND PEOPLE BECOME

DENFENSIVE. IF YOU WANT FEEDBACK YOU WILL WANT TO TRY

NOT TO GET DEFENSIVE.


PATH TO TALKING AND LEARNING ABOUT SELF

YOUTALK ABOUT

YOURSELFOTHER PERSON


PATH TO TALKING & SELF-AWARENESS

• OTHER PERSON

• GIVES YOU FEEDBACKYOU HEAR YOURSELF

TALK.

• INCREASE IN

• SELF-AWARENESS


• THE OPEN STATEMENT OR OPEN QUESTION SKILL: THIS

ENCOURAGES PEOPLE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THEM. “TELL ME HOW

YOU FEEL.” :HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?”

• PRACTICE THIS EACH DAY.

• THE FEEDBACK OR REFLECTIVE LISTENING SKILL: “THIS IS HOW I

SEE YOU,” OR “I SEE YOU AS UPSET.” WE CALL THESE REFLECTIVE

LISTENING OR ACTIVE LISENING SKILLS. WE WILL FOCUS MORE ON

THIS KIND OF COMMUNICATION IN OTHER LESSONS.


HOMEWORKSTART TALKING WITH SOMEONE. SHARE A FEELING ABOUT

SOMETHING. WHAT ARE THE OTHER PERSON’S VERBAL AND NON-

VERBAL RESPONSES TO WHAT YOU SAY? WRITE IT DOWN.

• 1. WHO WAS THE PERSON?

• 2. WHAT WAS THE FEELING YOU SHARED?

• 3. WHAT DID THE OTHER PERSON SAY OR DO?

• 4. WHAT NON-VERBAL BEHAVIOR DID THE OTHER PERSON SHOW?

• TRY THE “I” MESSAGES FOR ONE WEEK. DID YOU FIND YOURSELF TAKING ABOUT THE OTHE PERSON AND NOT ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON? DID YOU FIND YOURSELF USING “YOU” MESSAGES MORE THAN “I” MESSAGES?

• E-MAIL YOUR ANSWERS TO [email protected]


mailto:[email protected]

How do others see you?

• Dad Is An Addict Poem, Because He Loves Cocaine By Melissa Scott

• I can see it in his eyes when he comes creeping in.He’s been somewhere he promised me he’d never go again.He thinks that I won’t know it. He thinks that I can’t tell.But he ..........

•


http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/poem-about-dad-who-is-a-addict-because-he-loves-cocaine

THE BATTLE—HUSBAND’S ADDICTION

• Dedicated to my husband who is battling addiction.

• The Battle

• © Julie

• The words that have yet been spoken the things I need to say. To voice what's within my heartI just can't find a way.

I've fought with my emotionsI've held them deep inside. I didn't want to face what for so long you've tried to hide.


HUSBAND’S ADDICTION

• I've been lost within the dark for so long I've seen no light. Holding on to the memoryof a time when things were right.

I've looked upon your faceand seen the sadness in your eyes. The battle of addiction you no longer can disguise



• I've prayed to find the answers of what I myself must do.And I've prayed for the strength to fight through the hell that I go through.

I've held on for so longbut I can no longer watch you die.I cannot fight this for you but lords knows how I've tried.

It's just so hard to watch the ones you love slowly slip away.That's why I just blocked it out and held on to yesterday.



• I don't have all the answers or the power to save your soul.Your broken, lost and lonely and I cannot make you whole.

This fight is yours and yours aloneno matter what I do.For I cannot save you the only one who can is you.


How do others see you?

• My Mother Vs. Meth By Brittany

• Most days I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs,I want my mother back who is this monster you have become?

I really haven't known who you are for quite a while,But I try to act ..........

•


http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/my-mother-vs-meth

• References

• MindTools.com: Communication Skills -- Start Here!

• Effective Communication in Giving Instructions

• Gordon Training: Parent Effectiveness Training


http://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/CommunicationIntro.htm

http://www.dynamicflight.com/avcfibook/communication/

http://www.gordontraining.com/parentingprograms.html

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