sensible spending overcoming shopaholism · help you control your credit card purchases. ......

You’ve shopped till you’vedropped, and now you’re ready

to pick yourself up, dust yourselfoff and learn to spend sensibly.You may have experienced whatmany shopaholics have identifiedas the Credit Card Curse: the buy-now-pay-later syndrome. You mayhave even felt at times that themoney spent with credit cardswasn’t real, and so continuedspending. But now, you’re ready tolook seriously at that behavior andchange it.

Responsible CreditIn this nearly cashless soci-ety, it’s important to learnto use credit cards respon-sibly. If you’re a recoveringshopaholic, you may ini-tially want to put creditcards away for safekeeping,or even give them to atrusted friend to hold, atleast until they’re paid off.When you’re ready to usecredit cards again, it’ll bewise to limit yourself to oneor two all-purpose cards.

Record KeepingShopaholism can be con-trolled. Shopaholics areimpulsive shoppers, spendingquickly and freely, sometimes notfully aware of where the moneygoes. It just seems to disappear.Writing down expenditures is asimple and effective way of mak-ing where the money goes veryvisible to yourself. A minimum ofrecord keeping will let you knowwhere and how much money wasspent. This method of trackingexpenditures will also help to

reveal your spending “weakspots.” Recognizing patterns ofimpulsive purchases can help youavoid the reoccurrence.

Wants vs. Needs“I want it.” “I need it.” These aretwo very different ideas. Compul-sive shoppers are sometimesunable to differentiate between thetwo, and often confuse them. As aformer shopaholic, you’ll findusing pencil and paper a worth-while precaution. Taking the timeto write down your needs vs. your

wants will help you focus yourattention on the mental processthat goes into differentiatingbetween the two. In time, thisprocess can become reliably spon-taneous. Meanwhile, making thelist will help you avoid impulsebuying.

Shopping for HelpYou’ve recognized your shopa-holism, are determined to over-come the problem, have becomeaware of some of the challenges

facing shopaholics, havegiven your credit cards to afriend, and have undertak-en to change your behaviorby using expenditurerecords and want/needlists. Perhaps you’d likesome additional help.

There are a variety ofagencies offering help toshopaholics. Many compa-nies offer support and helpto employees as part of anemployee assistance pro-gram. Credit counseling ser-vices listed in the phonedirectory yellow pages arenonprofit organizations ofprofessional credit man-agers. They can help teach

you essential money managementskills. Many social service agenciesand organizations offer workshopsand support groups or are able torefer you to the type of help you’reseeking.

Sensible spending and responsi-ble credit management will bringyou confidence and peace of mind.You can achieve control of yourshopping impulse; you do deservethat peace of mind.

S E N S I B L E S P E N D I N G

Overcoming Shopaholism

Writing down your own

wants and needs before

you go shopping can

help you control your

credit card purchases.

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Has the holiday season arrived withoutyou? Since we can’t control the season’s

arrival, it’s not unusual for adults to feelout-of-synch with the holiday crowd.These tips might help you pick up yourspirits and see you through.

Start New TraditionsSince the carrying on of “tradition” is oneof the hallmarks of the holidays, youmight feel most acutely sad if it’s not pos-sible to carry out some of your usual tradi-tions. If you’ve recently lost a loved one, ifthe holiday season is the anniversary ofsuch a loss, or if your living situation haschanged in the past year and you’re awayfrom loved ones, remember that you canstart new holiday traditions. They may notseem like much at first, but if you’re ableto repeat them over the next few years,they’ll begin to feel comfortable.

Participate When You CanIf you’re feeling blue, it’s difficult to havemuch enthusiasm for social expectationssuch as gift-giving or party-going. Partici-pate at a level that feels comfortable to you,but try not to isolate yourself entirely. A lit-tle participation might pick up your spirits.

Take Care of YourselfHoliday media messages can be over-whelming at the height of the season. Thismight be a good time to spend eveningswith a good book or quiet music instead of watching television. Write letters tofriends and loved ones instead of sendingcards. By staying involved in some activityyou might find your mood lifting a little.

Volunteer Your TimeThere are many social service programsfor people in need over the holidays. Tak-ing time to participate, if only for a fewhours, can be a good way out of the holi-day doldrums and help bring season’sgreetings to others.

Talk Things OutMany adults experience holiday blues. Ifyou’re not able to compensate for it insome other way, or feel that the “blues”might be drifting into depression, get pro-fessional help through your doctor or yourcommunity mental health agency.

HOLIDAY BLUES

How toSurvive

the Holidays


Divorce and the FamilyY

ou feel terrible that your marriage has dissolved, but watching your children suffer is the worst. At times you feel personally responsible for their pain. What can you do to help them accept this major change in their lives?

Effects on the ChildrenJust as all the reasons for a divorce are different, children will accept this loss in their life differently. Some will sailthrough the change with little disruption and others will be more severely affected. Occasionally, they will feel somerelief because the unhappy environment before the divorce was unacceptable to them. Many times they feel that theywere the cause for the divorce.

When children are affected by the divorce, certain problems are more common at different ages. Young children canregress by clinging, wetting the bed, having disrupted sleep and reverting to infantile behavior. School-age childrencan have some difficulties in school, show more disruptive behavior and have short-term difficulty with relationships.Teens frequently engage in negative behaviors, do poorly at school and become rebellious.

When to Seek HelpDivorce is an adult decision. You may need to seek help to avoid feeling guilty over how it may hurt your children.Children can’t be spared all the hurts in the world but they need help to develop coping mechanisms to handle thechanges. Individual or family counseling would probably benefit your family. Your pediatrician can help you sort outyour child’s normal developmental behaviors and those that may be caused from the stress of the divorce. You alsoneed to take good care of your health, both physical and mental, in order to serve as the best role model for handlingyour own stress.

Coping TechniquesChildren want to feel secure and know what’s going on. They don’t need the sordid details of your divorce, but theywill feel less stress if there are no secrets where it involves them. That means telling them there’s a separation, that theother parent will visit on specific days, and that neither of you loves them less. Assuring them that they’re not thecause of the divorce helps considerably.

If the children are old enough, let them have some control in their lives. Where would they like to go on their visitation? How would they like todivide up the holiday? How would theylike to keep in contact with the grand-parents? Respect your final divorcedecree and don’t violate it, but let yourchildren have choices when they can.

The hardest thing in a bitter divorce isto maintain respect for the other parentwhen talking with your children. Criti-cizing your spouse puts your children inthe middle and leaves them confusedand unhappy. Messages for your spouseshould come from you and not throughyour children. This is not always easy,but it protects the children from adultgame-playing and demonstrates yourmaturity.

You all need time to heal and toaccept your changed lives. You don’tneed to put your life on hold, but it’simportant not to rush into a new relationship.

How toHelp theKids

Children will feel less stress if there are no secrets about how a divorce

involves them. Include them in as many decisions as possible.


UNDERSTANDING

ANGERC A U S E A N D E F F E C T S

Anger is an emotional cue which reminds us what we like and what we don’t like.

Although many of us were taught as childrento stifle our anger, it’s, in fact, perfectly natural. Anger can have many causes, but its effects depend on your ability to manage it. Learn to understand anger, the effects of denial and blame-placing,and the positive results that can come from accepting your own anger.

C A U S E SYou cut yourself shaving. You burned thetoast. You can’t find the keys. Now the carwon’t start and you’ll be late for work. Noone did these things to you. They just hap-pened. If you ask others, you’ll find that such“disasters” are quite common and that they makealmost everyone angry. We feel anger when we sense we’ve lost control, or when we feel vulnerable orafraid. We all have these feelings sometimes, and some of us are more easily irritated and annoyed thanothers.

D E N Y I N G A N G E RMany times we want to deny that we’re angry because we’re not in the habit of admitting it, or angerdoesn’t seem rational to us, or we’re embarrassed by our lack of control. All humans feel anger, whether it’s expressed. Thus, by denying anger, you deny that you’re human.

B L A M E - P L A C I N GSometimes we want to blame others for our anger, even if it seems unjust. Some people do this regularly asa habit. People generally don’t like to be around blame-placers, because they never know if they’re going tobe next in line to be blamed for something.

A C C E P T I N G A N G E RBy recognizing and accepting your own anger, you’re on the road to controlling it and releasing it responsibly. Acknowledging what makes you angry, instead of denying anger or placing blame, leads to self-understanding. Once you can identify common situations, you can change them, deal with themresponsibly or make a conscious choice to ignore them. You can then reap the benefits of what this emotion tells us.


SOBRIETY

C l e a n i n g U p Yo u r A c t

For a chemically dependent person, thefirst step toward recovery is recognizing

that there’s a problem. The second step is toquit using the chemical, whether it’s alcoholor another drug. Unless the chemicals aregotten out of the way, the chemically depen-dent person never can know which prob-lems in life are drug-related and whicharen’t. Getting sober involves the body andthe mind. Learning about the process canhelp make it easier to start and maintain.

BodyGetting sober starts with the body. If you’vebeen dependent on alcohol or drugs, yourbody has gotten used to the substance, andwill take some time to adjust to sobriety. Ifyou’ve been using alcohol, cocaine, depres-sants or narcotics, it’s best to have medicalhelp, either from a treatment center or adoctor experienced in chemical dependencyissues. For other substances, it’s safe to“just quit.”

You can help your body adjust to sobrietyby exercising, eating nutritious foods andgetting plenty of rest. Exercise is generallyhealthful, and also produces endorphins, a

natural body chemical which helps relieveanxiety and increase positive feelings.

It’s best to build up a regular exercise pro-gram, starting small, and gradually increas-ing the amount you do. Be moderate. It’spossible to become obsessive about exerciseor injure yourself by exercising too much.

Good nutrition requires lots of fresh veg-etables, fruits and complex carbohydrates,such as whole grains. Processed foods, additives, refined sugar, caffeine and high-fat foods should be avoided. Caffeine andsugar, in particular, may tend to increasecravings for drugs or alcohol.

Getting plenty of rest is also important, as sleep helps you adjust psychologically toliving a sober life. You may have troublesleeping at first. If so, try getting more exercise.

MindBecoming sober involves breaking old habitsthat contributed to chemical dependency,learning to solve problems that chemicalsallowed you to ignore and learning chemi-cal-free ways to manage stress. We recom-mend the following:

■ Think about and list situations that “trig-ger” you to take your drug. If possible,avoid them.

■ Practice meditation, visualization or otherrelaxation techniques to manage stress.

■ Think about the roles your friends play inyour life. If some friends don’t supportyou in sobriety, avoid their company andseek out new ones who will.

■ Join a 12-step program such as AlcoholicsAnonymous or Narcotics Anonymous.Your employee assistance program canrefer you to local groups which can helpyou maintain and enjoy sobriety. Orcheck your local telephone directory.

It’s Your Life In chemical dependency, your drug controlsa big piece of your life. In sobriety, you getyour life back, and can begin the process ofmaking it into the life you want.


Most people carry on a silent conversation withthemselves during much of the day. This “self-

talk” has a direct effect on your thoughts and behav-iors. Understanding self-talk, and its effects on you, canhelp you learn to rewrite your own self-talk “script”and maintain a positive mental attitude.

Positive or Negative?You’ve probably heard the term “self-fulfilling prophecy.” Self-talk is very much like a self-fulfillingprophecy—something you think about so much youcan actually make it happen. When your self-talk ispositive—“Things will work out,” “I know I can do thejob”—you’re giving yourself permission to succeed andchances are you will. When your self-talk is negative—“I know I’ll have a terrible time,” “I’m not goodenough to be a supervisor”—you’re giving up on your-self and chances are you won’t even try to succeed.Often your self-talk reflects the values and behaviorsyou learned as a child, and the self-esteem you nowhave as an adult.

Thoughts and BehaviorsSelf-talk can direct your thoughts and behaviors. If youthink, “I know I can do the job,” you’ll be more will-ing to apply. During the interview, you’ll be more likely to exhibit confidence in yourself and your abili-ties, and have a better chance at success. But if yousay to yourself, “I’ll never get hired for that position,”

you may not even apply, guaranteeing that you won’tget the job.

Physical and Mental EffectsNegative self-talk can increase your distress and createnew stress. It can also encourage you to behave in self-destructive ways which further distress your body.(“No one cares, so why shouldn’t I have anotherdrink?”) Fortunately, positive self-talk can have theopposite effect, leading to a confident, positive attitude.

Rewrite Your ScriptLearn to listen to your own self-talk. One good way isto use pencil and paper to note your automaticresponses to an idea. Draw three columns on the sheet.In the first column, write several things you would liketo happen. “I’d like to try for a promotion.” “I’d like anew car.” Then, close your eyes and listen to how youreact to each item. Write your self-talk in the secondcolumn. (Example: “Me, a manager? Forget it.” “Ishouldn’t have any trouble getting a loan.”) In the thirdcolumn, write down a thought which is the opposite ofthe one in column two.

Now look at your list. If column two is more positivethan column three, you’re already on your way tothinking positively. If column two is more negative,look at column three for a more helpful, healthierresponse. Practice choosing positive self-talk. You’llfeel happier and more confident.

SAY SOMETHING POSITIVEHow Self-Talk Affects Your Attitude

“I know I cando this job.”

“I’m a goodmother.” “I’m going

to get that promotion.”

“This party will be a lot

of fun.”


An Overview

Eating DisordersWHO DOESN’T WORRY ABOUT FOOD?We all do at times. But people with eating disor-ders live in fear of food and of being fat. Oftenunable to control their food intake, they hidetheir eating habits. Secret starving, binge-eatingor the purging of food are all common, as areanxiety, depression, guilt and shame, whichaccompany eating disorders.

Obesity, bulimia and anorexia have reachedepidemic proportions. It’s no surprise, given thebillions of dollars spent each year on diets andmedia promotion of a “thin” ideal. Despite thefact that tens of millions of people suffer fromeating disorders, many are unaware of the healthsymptoms and risks which are unique to each. Many victims of such disorders are psychologicallyunable or unwilling to seek available treatment.

Get Professional DiagnosisMany people try to diagnose an eating disorder without professional help. Anorectics are oftendescribed as always feeling “fat,” bulimics as either overweight or average, and obese individuals ascompulsively overeating high-fat, high-calorie foods. While these and other symptoms are com-mon, many other symptoms will be unrecognized by anyone except a professional eating disorderspecialist. Only your doctor or a specialist should diagnose an eating disorder.

RecoveringEating disorders are treatable. You really can feel good about yourself again. Learning to recognizethe symptoms of your particular eating disorder, or that of a family member or friend, is an impor-tant learning process which is best guided by an appropriate professional. He or she can discusshealth risks and treatment options. With understanding and commitment, you can plan a lifelongrecovery from compulsive overeating.


There are specific

behavior patterns

associated with

compulsive gam-

bling. Gamblers who recognize these

patterns can cope with their addiction

and recover a life free of gambling.

Recovery programs providing help,

guidance and healing are available.

An Addictive DisorderCompulsive gambling is an addictive

disorder. Experts speak of it as a

“disorder of impulse-control.”

Compulsive gamblers are unable to

control their chronic gambling. An

emotional dependency exists. Such

gamblers are impulsive, obsessive and

irrational. They will gamble against all

odds. For a compulsive gambler, to roll

the dice, pick a number or play a hand

becomes more important than family,

home or work.

Not all people who gamble are

addicted. There are some characteris-

tic behaviors that may help you recog-

nize when gambling has become com-

pulsive. Do you:

5 spend a lot of time gambling or

thinking about it?

5 increase your bets to “catch up”?

5 boast about your winnings?

5 gamble to feel good?

5 have frequent or unexplained

absences?

Are You a Compulsive Gambler?Recognizing the Syndrome

5 experience mood swings—high

when winning, low when losing?

5 keep hidden funds or take out

secret “loans” from family bank

accounts?

The Addiction ProcessPeople who are becoming compulsive

gamblers go through three phases of

addiction: winning, losing and, finally,

desperation.

The Winning Phase

Gamblers win, lose, and break even—

often. In this phase, the winning and

losing seems an adventure. Gamblers

get their “thrills.” Excitement predomi-

nates. Worries disappear.

The Losing Phase

Gamblers begin losing more than they

win. Self esteem ebbs. The gambler

may borrow money to “get even.”

More time is spent gambling to recover

losses and repay loans. A roller coaster

ride begins: The stakes and the takes

increase; but the losses come faster,

and the ride down is a fearsome thing.

The Desperation Phase

Gambling becomes a full-time obses-

sion. Life centers around “getting even”

and paying off debts, often with bor-

rowed or stolen money. Lies and secret

loans abound. Still greater risks are

taken. Depression becomes chronic.

A Family AffairCompulsive gambling harms mar-

riages and family life. The gambler’s

obsession steals time and attention

away from the gambler’s spouse and

children. Feeling abandoned, his or

her loved ones experience problems of

self-worth and suffer bouts of depres-

sion. The family unit can unravel.

As the disease progresses, the gam-

bler’s work life also suffers. Work, it

seems, begins to interfere with gam-

bling. The gambler is often late to

work, takes long lunches, uses the

phone excessively or reads sports liter-

ature while working. All these are char-

acteristic of the compulsive gambler.

All are symptoms of the gambler’s

compulsive, uncontrolled pursuit of

the big gamble.

There Is HelpIf you think your gambling has gotten

out of control, you’ve already taken the

first step toward recovery— you’ve rec-

ognized the problem. Your company’s

employee assistance program may

refer you to a professional counselor.

Or you may choose, as many have, to

find help through Gamblers Anony-

mous. Gamblers Anonymous is a self-

help organization offering a 12-step

recovery program similar to Alcoholics

Anonymous. Check the white pages for

a chapter near you.


UseorAbuse?Diagnosing Dependency

Dependence on alcohol or

other drugs is a widespread

problem. Many times, peo-

ple don’t recognize it. Chemical

dependency is simply the inability to

control the use of some physical sub-

stance—not being able to quit and

not being able to limit how much is

used. If you have a dependency

problem, recognizing it can help you

to move toward a happier and

healthier life.

MythsYou might think of a chemically

dependent person as someone who

can’t live without their drink or

drugs, who is often drunk or stoned,

who uses every day or is irresponsi-

ble, immoral, weak-willed or bad.

The fact is, a person can be chemical-

ly dependent without showing such

obvious signs. We are gradually

beginning to realize that a person’s

genetic makeup may affect his or her

chances of becoming dependent, and

that dependency is often a physical

condition that can’t be cured by

willpower alone.

Symptoms of

DependencyHere are some signs that might indi-

cate a chemical dependency problem

in you or someone you love:

◆ trying to cut down on or to quit

using some substance and failing

at it

◆ “blackouts,” or lapses of memory

after use

◆ using the substance while alone or

hiding the evidence of use

◆ using the substance to forget

about problems or worries

◆ doing things while “under the

influence” that cause regret

afterward

◆ not being able to enjoy an event

without the substance

◆ neglecting responsibilities in order

to use the substance

◆ family, friends or employer

expressing concern about sub-

stance use

◆ being willing to do almost any-

thing to get the substance

◆ financial or legal problems from

using the substance

Problems Caused by

DependencyChemically dependent people often

act unwisely or inappropriately while

under the influence of their drug.

They may act in ways that will

embarrass them later. They may

endanger their health and lives, and

the lives of others, by having unsafe

sex or by driving while intoxicated.

They may lose their jobs or families

as people around them are hurt by

their actions.

What to DoRecognizing that there’s a problem

is the first step toward recovering

from chemical dependency. If you

think you might have a problem of

this type, here are some steps you

can take:

◆ Acknowledge the problem openly.

◆ Limit time spent with people who

encourage drug use or drinking.

◆ Seek professional help from doc-

tors or therapists who deal with

chemical dependency and recov-

ery. You might benefit from coun-

seling or a recovery program at a

hospital or private clinic.

◆ Seek out the support of people

who are recovering themselves.

Many 12-step programs, such as

Alcoholics Anonymous, are avail-

able for various types of depen-

dencies. Your employee assistance

program can help you find these

and other helpful resources or

check your phone book.


uilt is the emotion we feel when we think we’ve done

something we’re not supposed to do, or haven’t done

something we should have. It’s an emotion we’ve experi-

enced since early in our lives. If you’ve ever seen the

look on a child’s face when he or she feels guilty, you can

understand what a basic and natural emotion it is. The child’s eyes are downcast and

avoid you. The child feels bad. These tips will help you understand what guilt is, why

it’s useful in some situations and why habitual guilt can be destructive.

G U I L T H E L P S F O R M U S

Guilt is a bad feeling and an effective teacher. As children, most of us felt guilty when

we misbehaved. We wanted to avoid that bad feeling, so most of us learned to follow

the rules set out for us. That’s one of the ways our behavior was shaped. In this way,

guilt plays a part in learning right from wrong.

H A B I T U A L G U I L T

As adults, we still have to follow the rules. Many of these laws,

such as traffic laws, are imposed for personal safety. Some rules,

however, become inappropriate for adults and we get stuck in a

childish habit because we feel guilty if we do something different.

For example, many of us grew up with our parents telling us that

we had to finish all of the food on our dinner plate. Our parents

played on our childish guilt by reminding us of all the starving

children who didn’t have dinner. So we ate what we didn’t like and

we ate when we were no longer hungry. Stated simply, we learned to

eat so that we wouldn’t feel guilty. As a result, many adults are in the habit of

eating every bite of food on their dinner plate, whether they’re still hungry.

Guilt has shaped the habit.

O V E R C O M I N G H A B I T U A L G U I L T

You can overcome habitual guilt by examining the guilt-making situation the next

time it occurs. Do you feel guilty because you’re sorry you did something? Or is the

guilty feeling a result of habit? Adults have the right and the responsibility to make

their own decisions. By analyzing the situations that cause you to feel guilt, you might

be able to eliminate some unnecessary bad feelings from your emotional responses.

GU N D E R S TA N D I N G G U I LT: C A U S E A N D E F F E C T S

Begin to change your

habit of feeling guilty by

examining how you feel in

situations that trigger

such childhood memories

as being scolded for

breaking or spilling.

DEPRESSION

Understanding the Disorder When you or your family needs help with:

Work stress Family or parenting issues Marriage or relationships Alcohol or drug abuse Adjusting to change Anxiety or depression

Grief or loss Anger control

Call Segue Employee Assistance Program

1‐888‐529‐1156

DEPRESSION Understanding the Disorder Depression is no mere slump in mood. Unlike “the blues,” which tend to clear up in a few days, depression frequently is both prolonged and recurring. It can’t be ignored, and it can’t be joked or whistled away. Sufferers of depression are likely to experience:

Prolonged loss of interest in home, work and personal appearance Sudden changes and excesses in eating or sleeping habits Frequent, uncontrollable crying Lingering, unfocused nervousness or grouchiness Persistent feelings of hopelessness and futility

There are both physical and psychological causes of depression. Illness and chemical imbalances are physical causes. Psychological or emotional causes include distressing or threatening changes—death of a loved one, divorce or loss of a job—and continuing problems of emotional dependency and inadequate self-esteem. Untreated, depression can be debilitating and can lead to suicide. It’s a serious condition requiring serious treatment. Treatment for Depression If you suspect you suffer depression, having a medical checkup is your first step. Even depression with emotional causes may call for treatment with medication, and that’s a decision that must be made by a doctor who, in turn, must know the state of your physical health. If your depression has a physical cause, treating the underlying illness may be the cure. Depression resulting from chemical imbalance can also be treated medically.

Especially among elderly people, chance combinations of medications taken for various medical needs can produce depression. A doctor will want to get a complete list of all medicines you’ve been taking. If your depression is traceable to an event or situation, professional counseling or therapy may be helpful. The doctor who does your physical checkup can refer you to a counselor or therapist.

Exercise releases “feel good” hormones in the brain which can lift your spirits.

Self-Care Tips In addition to seeking professional help, there are some things you can do which may help you feel better. Follow a healthy, well rounded diet, and get regular exercise. Aerobic exercise, such as walking, bicycling and swimming, is recommended. Scientists theorize that such exercise releases “feel good” hormones in the brain which can lift your spirits and help you feel more optimistic and emotionally in control. Again, these are often beneficial, but they’re not an alternative to professional attention. Call Segue EAP or talk to a health professional.

sensible spending overcoming shopaholism · help you control your credit card purchases. ......

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