Sex and the Single Widow/er

By Abigail Carter

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“Sex” and “widow” are not words you often hear together. Bit of an oxymoron

actually. And yet. Its been a dry spell, so maybe this topic is on my mind more that it

ought to be. I am pretty certain there is an interesting link here. I have come up with a

bunch of reasons why sex would play a large role in a widow/er’s life:

• Replace lost intimacy

• Feel alive

• Stave off loneliness

• Be touched

• Feel comforted

• As a way of giving love that no longer has a place to go

• Rediscovering oneself after a long marriage

• A release of sexual repression

• A form of spirituality

• Overcome separateness

In my experience, and judging from some conversations I’ve had with other

widow/ers, sex often becomes a large part of one’s recovery. In fact, widow/ers seem to

have a kind of “wild stage” where getting laid takes on greater importance than it has

since they were newlyweds. I know that I personally discovered an entirely new side of

myself – a sexual side AFTER Arron died. I threw myself into the act, surrendering in a

sense, to what? Life maybe? A sort of “I choose life!” kind of declaration? I became

ravenous. It was surprising and unsettling. It felt unseemly and I felt guilty that I had

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become something that I had not been in my marriage. Yet it was comforting – a perfect

grief-relieving mechanism.

Being single after 9 years was not my plan. I figured I would start dating a couple

of years after my loss, and probably be married by year 5 or so. I still go to sleep every

night with the words “I love you” in my head, not directed at Arron exactly, but to some

unknown person who is just not there at the moment. I have love to give, but it has no

where to go. Wait, let me add that to my list above. I have wondering if sex might have

something to do with my singledom.

OK, that brings me to self love. I have a very good friend, Mr. Hitachi. He’s not

exactly quiet in bed, but effective and quick. With a little hit of dark chocolate after lunch

I can get by. For a while. Arron used to think the act of self love was cute, and thought it

was funny if I “diddled” (his word), and so I became incredibly self-conscious about it,

and rarely did it. Married sex had become an act of extreme infrequency (surprise!). It

was only after I was widowed that I discovered this new side of myself – My repressions

had been released through my loss. Perhaps that is common. K, that’s going on the list

too.

And then there are the relationships. How many have I entered inappropriately,

more for physical satisfaction than for emotional? Is this a widow’s curse? or the curse of

anyone who has lost? A divorcee’s curse then too? I worry constantly that I am looking

for relationships in all the wrong places, doing things I might not normally do because I

am trying to fill this hole with sand instead of good soil. Sexuality is our most human

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attribute, our most base instinct, and instinct is how one lives during crisis which is why,

I assume, sex and widowhood are inextricably linked.

Finally, there is the spiritual element to sexuality. There is a whole school of

thought out there that finds the whole sexual act is akin to getting closer to God. But

spiritually is where I think the whole need for sexuality falls down. Spiritually, the need

for sex is distracting, and in relationships becomes complicated. One that has certainly

appeared in some of my own relationships once the intensity of the romantic/sexual

relationship subsided. Perhaps its the realization that sexual liaisons are not personal and

it is difficult to derive a true sense of connectedness with another person through just sex.

I found this quote in an interesting essay written by Andrew Cohen about the link

between sex and spirituality:

Sex is in fact the sacred cow, the ultimate importance of which we

rarely dare to question because we fear that, if we discover that it was not

what we imagined it to be, there would be nothing left, no final refuge

from the misery and torment of almost unending existential doubt.

Do we really fear we would become nothing without sex? In another interesting

article on the relationship between sex and spirituality, I found this quote:

Psychologist Erich Fromm wrote in The Art of Loving that the

basis for our need to love lies in the experience of separateness and the

resulting need to overcome the anxiety of separateness by the experience

of union.

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Hello widowhood! OK, that’s on the list now too.

I am not sure I am in the camp that believes the sex is more important than God. I

am beginning to see Andrew Cohen’s point that sex is a delusion which indeed bears

some weight. The impulse sex offers is rarely fulfilling in the long term. I am not going

to become celibate anytime soon, but I am learning to temper my wild thang, control it, if

that is possible. Its a fine balance. I do like feeling alive and human.

And we wonder why as widows we need chocolate…

Thanks for reading! Please find more writing by Abigail Carter at

www.abigailcarter.com or look for my book The Alchemy of Loss: A Young Widow’s

Transformation on Amazon. Email me at Abigail@abigailcarter.com, I would love to

connect.