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YOU KNOW HOW MONKEYS CAN GET

TABITHA JANE MONTGOMERY, 5th grade girl dressed cute

MRS. JANE MONTGOMERY, mother

TABITHA

My parents decided to buy the house on the street with all the monkeys

on it...

JANE

You know how monkeys can get so. You know how monkeys can get so.

TABITHA

Yellow monkeys... monkeys with wings... great big monkeys in coconuttrees... monkeys with long, pink hair singing songs that make you

sleepy... monkeys that sell shirts, shoes and glasses... monkeys on

parade and monkeys smoking pipes... monkeys teaching the crippled to

walk and monkeys cooking breakfast...

JANE

Your mother monkey already told you! You know how monkeys can get so.

You know how monkeys can get so. You know how monkeys can get so

nosey! Sticking their ugly monkey noses in non-monkey business!

TABITHA

I hated going to school... because of all the monkeys looking at mewith their glowing, round eyes... they hung down from the branches

while I waited for the bus, every time I turned a corner there was

those wild shrieks and tremendous herds of monkeys charging across the

street, a mass of writhing tails and teeth stinking of musk.

JANE

Stomp up and down if you have to! Yell it from the tops of buildings!

You know how monkeys can get so! You know how monkeys can get so! You

know how monkeys can get so annoying! Throwing their food and sticking

out their tongues! What did monkey mother tell you?

I DONT WRITE FOR ANIMALS

CHARACTERS:

GLASS, see-through

CONCRETE, rock hard

STONE, chilly

GLASS

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I am physically composed mostly of fleshy bits and bones. I am always

tearing away the things that dont work. I am constantly remodeling

for the present. I am a universe -- a glowing ember fallen from the

fiery broom of God.

CONCRETE

I do experimentations. I do routines. I push my senses to the edge of

a reality I create with borders outside of Euclidean Geometry. I dont

write for animals. I dont ride the bus anymore. I dont like black

olives or any olives for that matter.

STONE

Sometimes I want to kiss you so bad... like when Im lost in a

daydream of passionate strangers and the softness of your lips rescues

me from another dreary night of walking back to my car alone.

GLASS

I am the greatest combination of X & Y in my family tree. I am sure

that my plate is full and my eyes are bigger than my stomach. I am

comfortable with my role as a vertebrate, but the mammal part is going

to take a while.

CONCRETE

I do go overboard. I do compare and contrast. I do let my words float

up to the divine on back of sweet smelling smoke that swirls

hypnotically. I dont fancy myself a mortal. I dont seethe. I dont

cry myself to sleep.

STONE

I think I want it to be simple anonymous kisses when we need them

most in the shadows of unconventional places. We could get there early

or late, or in-between and anyone seeing us would be inspired by our

ingenious problem solving skills.

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IF YOU DONT USE IT, IT THINKS ITS DIRTY

CHARACTERS:

XANTHIPPE a gorgeous, middle-aged woman wearing a dreamy bird

costume

TROPHID a well dressed middle-aged man, XANTHIPPEs husband

SCENE: XANTHIPPE and TROHID are in the living room. XANTHIPPE sits on

her perch inside a large birdcage.

XANTHIPPE

Flih-Flih-Flih-Flih KAAARAWK! Trophid dear, I hear the whistling on

the wind! Open the windows! Open the windows! SQUAWK!

TROPHID

Already? You have such excellent hearing, my sweet. I see it now and

not even eleven o clock! There must be a storm at sea.

TROPHID opens the window and a few

brightly colored envelopes fly into

the room. He begins to collect them up

and look them over.

XANTHIPPE

ARAOOK! The purple one! Please! Can you hear it singing? Such a

delicate, tinkling chorus Tingk-gah-lingkha-lingkah! BRAAWK!

TROPHID

Oh, my dear its from the ministry of canker-sores I didnt think we

knew anyone in that office. It looks important. See? It says righthere: If you dont use it, it thinks its dirty! Even written in the

kings English!

XANTHIPPE

Flih-Flih-Flih-Flih KAAARAWK! Well, you know the procedure, Trophid

my love. Tear it into tiny pieces and put it on the bottom of my cage!

Dont forget the song!

TROPHID begins to tear the letter

apart, throwing the pieces into the

bottom of the cage, singing Snowbird.

TROPHID

Oh! Beneath this snowy mantle cold and clean

The unborn grass lies waiting for its coat to turn to green!

The snowbird sings the song he always sings

and speaks to me of flowers that will return again in spring!

BLACKOUT

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I THINK I SAW A STURGEON

CHARACTERS:

TOMORROW, semi-distant

TODAY, all together there

TOMORROW

Last night, in a dream, I think I saw a sturgeon!

TODAY

I thought I saw one too, while I was on a boat. But, it was just

another politician swimming below the ice.

TOMORROW

Mine too was no sturgeon at all, but a new form of government founded

in fingerpaints.

TODAYStill sounds fishy to me the government part, not the fingerpaints.

TOMORROW

I understood, how could fingerpaints be fishy? Fish dont have

fingers!

TODAY

Tell that to my massage therapist, hes a sardine.

BLACKOUT

SOMETHING HAS BEEN UNLEASHED

CHARACTERS:

DROMITE, more human than insectoid

HALF-GIANT, more giant than human

DROMITE

Look up at the stars! Can you read them?

HALF-GIANT

Yeah yeah! Something has been unleashed! Thats old news!

DROMITEWell, you dont have to be so nasty about it, its new to me. Though,

I cant really tell whats been unleashed exactly.

HALF-GIANT

Well, dont freak out, but 1991 was set loose.

DROMITE

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Oh crap! Thats awful! Were all going to die oversexed consumers!

AHHH!

HALF-GIANT

Man, I thought you could handle it.

BLACKOUTTHE FUTURE IS ON THE NEXT HILL

CHARACTERS:

WILL, good against mind control

REFLEX, good for getting out of the way

FORTITUDE, good for resisting physical harm

WILL

Look at all those babies with cybernetic eyes!

REFLEX

So?

WILL

The future is at the base of the next hill.

REFLEX

No! No! Look at those robots singing and serving hot cocoa just above

them! The future is on the next hill!

WILL

Yeah yeah Youve always been biased towards robots

FORTITUDE

Youre both wrong! We cant even comprehend the future because it is

over the next hill, obscured from view! Lets take a leisurely hike

there.

BLACKOUT

THEY COME AND GO

CHARACTERS:

CHA, youthful female

TAH, energetic male

SCENE: CHA and TAH are working on an umbrella factory assembly line.

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CHA

I dont know what Im seeing its sort of like a colorful birthday

without ice cream.

TAH

Oh, dont worry about it. They come and go, its nothing.

CHA

Whats nothing?

TAH

That stuff youre seeing, its like a stray idea that got away.

CHA

Got away from where?

TAH

I dont know heck! Me, you the president Could be anyone.

BLACKOUT

PICK AN ADJECTIVE

CHARACTERS:

HELIUM TRUTH, lighter than air and intuitive

COBALT DENIAL, radioactive and looking the other way

SCENE: HELIUM TRUTH and COBALT DENIAL stand behind translucent

curtains of light pink.

HELIUM

He loves me!

COBALT

PICK AN ADJECTIVE!

HELIUM

He fuzzy loves me!

COBALT

PICK AN ADJECTIVE!

HELIUM

He fuzzy loves stinky me!

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HELIUM and COBALT STEP OUT FROM

BEHIND THEIR CURTAINS. THERE IS

A LOUD CRASH.

COBALT

Twenty-two boats sailed through the dark waters of India. Dawn was

faded, all our hope dashed against the cruel statues staring at usjudging our actions from the halls of time! Who are we that these

trivial expressions of feeling should cause us to crawl on our knees,

across the glass, begging for the twisted moisture of tenderness to be

wiped across our cracked lips. WHILE THE STORM CLOUDS GATHER FAR

ACROSS THE SEA, LET US SWEAR ALLEGIANCE TO A LAND THATS FREE! LET US

ALL BE GRATEFUL FOR A LAND SO FAIR! AS WE RAISE OUR VOICES IN A SOLEMN

PRAYER!

HELIUM

GOD BLESS AMERICA! LAND THAT I LOVE! STAND BESIDE HER AND GUIDE HER

THROUGH THE NIGHT WITH A LIGHT FROM ABOVE! FROM THE MOUNTAINS TO THE

PRAIRIES TO THE OCEAN WHITE WITH FOAM! GOD BLESS AMERICA! MY HOMESWEET HOME!

BLACKOUT

IT WAS AN INTER-ACCENTED RELATIONSHIP

PRODUCA MEDUSA, respected record producer with snake hair.

PASSOVER SATYR, a goat-man rabbi

SCENE: PRODUCA MEDUSA and PASSOVER SATYR stand in a deserted parking

lot. A large, clunky machine sits on the ground.

MEDUSA

Behold this fabulous machine, fallen off the back of a pack-mule! I

was following it back to its lair when it was suddenly struck dead by

a stray radio interview.

SATYR

It looks so fancy! I cant imagine forcing anyone to gaze at it

longingly in the same vicinity as a donkey, let alone atop it! What

does it do?

MEDUSA

Well, its best if I just show you. Do you have any pictograms,

hieroglyphs or photographs about you?

SATYR

Well, I did clip out some pictures from a lingerie catalogue. They all

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depict women who have one eye obscured by locks of hair. Here.

MEDUSA

Perfect! Well just feed them into the machine with these Aboriginal

bark paintings bequeathed to me from Lyndon Johnson.

PRODUCA MEDUSA scans the

pictures and painting into the

machine. It whirs and hums

before ejecting out a slip of

paper. PASSOVER SATYR tears it

off and reads it.

SATYR

It was an inter-accented relationship? Amazing! With statements like

that you could force television into an abusive marriage and demean

its self-worth!

Blackout

WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS?

WAIF, shy street girl

WELP, snide street urchin

PLACE: a sinister alley.

WAIF

We got there when it was really dark.

WELP

were too tired to crawl,

balled up, face

out to the fear fires.

no shack to sing in.

WAIF

It was like a weird, broken chair machine. All these wires coming out.

What kind of place is this?

WELP

looks like town,

but it tastes like a city.

were trying to eat

without being silly.

WAIF

The little voices floating down out of tiny tubes:

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Sit on it, it will feel good Little, soothing chants.

SIT on it, it will FEEL GOOD?

WELP

the queens secret pleasure--

the hind quarter massage

throne grind grindgrinding the grinder.

I DIDNT FINISH HIGHLIGHTING MY JOHN

CHARACTERS:

DOLLY PARTON

SALVADORE DALI

DALAI LAMA

DOLLYSeaweed bonafide refreshed

DALHI

She completed studying her atom.

DALAI

Fierce X-RayGleaning

DOLLY

I didnt finish highlighting my john.

DALHI

Tactile nebulae beginning

DALAI

They resolved washing their luna.

Blackout

I REMEMBER THE GRASSHOPPER IN MY UNDERPANTS

COOTIE CLUE, nobodys grandma

CANASTA PICK-UP-STIX, somebodys grandma

PLACE: At the jail (Just Visiting)

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COOTIE

Remember when I got paid? It was $200.00. Remember my love satellite?

Remember going round and round inside a red leather glove? Remember

the taste and the smell of crackers in your dads bed?

CANASTAI remember beans being flung into my pants. I wore suspenders then.

COOTIE

Remember when I broke that window? The long slide into the underworld,

square 13. Remember oscillating out of control? Not being able to

choose between being too mean or being too nice?

CANASTA

I remember having to take measurements of that mountain that began to

swell. Soon it would emit a cloud of poisonous gas.

COOTIERemember placing all those gay umbrellas on the California coast with

Crisco? Hear my voice in my head and think of me kindly.

CANASTA

I remember the grasshopper in my underpants.

It*not*chirp*pretty*like*cricket*in*future*

COOTIE

GIDGIT!

WEVE DONE IT IN ALL KINDS OF PLACES

CHARACTERS:

CAPPY, gorgeous and smart

SCALES, handsome and intelligent

SCENE: CAPPY and SCALES wander within a clearing in a desert,

collecting wood.

SCALES

Theres no moon out tonight.

CAPPY

Is that possible?

SCALES

Sure. It called a new moon.

CAPPY

Fascinating The perfect kind of night for a fire. You said you used

to set fires all the time.

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SCALES

Yes, weve done it in all kinds of places: beaches, rooftops, lunch

counters.

CAPPY

Wow! Someday, Id really like to make a fire in Europe.

BLACKOUT