society essay

7/29/2019 Society Essay

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I n many cities crime is increasing. Why do you th ink this happening? What can governments do to help

reduce crime levels? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own

knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.In the contemporary world, the reported cases of crime all over the world are alarmingly increasing. It is

believed that the main reasons behind this are the rise in population and the increase in the inflation rate. This

can be harnessed with the involvement of the Government which is discussed further in the context of thisessay.

In order to justify my point of view, I would like to state that the population of a country will be the first and

foremost reason behind this increase in crime. Take India for instance, it is a developing country and in the

prevailing scenario its population is sky rocketing, which creates a significant number of problems. With

respects to that, unemployment is the major one; consequently, educated and sophisticated people survive

without jobs and result in indulge in the crime to bear their expenses. Thus it is clear from this example that

population is the major cause which ultimately forces people to commit crimes. To combat this grave

problem, governments can arrange educational classes and programs to increase public awareness about the

exacerbated effects of the increase in population.

Furthermore, the inflation rate is another reason for the increase in the number of crime cases in certain

countries. To illustrate, In India nowadays, the inflation rate is booming continuously; which causes enormous

problems and creates an inequality between rich and poor people, as rich become richer and poor become

poorer. Hence, it has been seen from this example that the increase in inflation also leads to the increase of

crime to some extent. This grim and gruesome problem can be tackled only by Governments, so government

should adopt some leniency against the poor people and give them rebates so that they can survive and bear

their expenses smoothly.

Eventually, after analyzing all the views, I would like to conclude that crime in any way is a major problemfor any country. It needs a combined effort by Governments, masses and classes of any country to join the

hands together to nip this evil into the bud. Otherwise it is expected that it could be worsen in near future.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were fully able to achieve the task by showing the reason why crime is increasing and what governments

can do to help reduce it with relevant examples.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is excellent.

+COHERENCE AND COHESION

Paragraphs are well organised.

+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

You have very good writing skills but you lack of strong grammar knowledge. At first, you could have score

7.5 but after taking into consideration the errors you made especially subject verb agreement and plural nouns,

your score can be pulled down to 6.

Compare to the original writing.

PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ "the crime is increasing": which crime?


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> It should be "crime is increasing" without the word "the".

> Check up how I paraphrased your sentence "the crime all around the globe is increasing at an alarming

rate"

+ Passive "This can be harness with the involvement" -> "This can be harnessed with the involvement"

+ "its population is sky rocketing, which create so many problems": "create" -> "creats" (subject verb

agreement)

+ "so many problems" is not academic. Please check how I fixed that up.+ "In which unemployment is the major one; consequently, educated and sophisticated people survive ...": "in

which" should be used for relative clauses. In other words, you can't use it to start a sentence refering to the

subject in the preceding sentence.

+ "to bear their expense" -> "to bear their expenses"

+ "the major cause which ultimately force people" -> "the major cause which ultimately forces people"

+ Punctuation and plural: "To combat this grave problem government can arrange" -> "To combat this grave

problem, governments can arrange"

+ "governments can arrange some educational problem ... in population": You should rewrite this since there

are many grammatical errors resulting in confusions in its meaning.

> "exacerbated affects" -> "exacerbated effects"

+ "the inflation rate is booming continuously; which cause enormous problem and create an inequality

between rich and poor people"

> subject verb agreement problem

> Plural

+ "problem can be tackle only by Government": subject verb agreement and plural

+ "combine effort" -> "combined effort"

As mass communi cation and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike

leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some people fear that globali zation wil l inevitably lead to

the total loss of cultu ral i denti ty. To what extent do you agree or disagree with thi s statement?

Globalisation is a trend in which people in different countries tend to have the same things as a result of mass

production. Some people might consider this as a good thing since it helps businesses to expand and things to

become more affordable to consumers. However, I believe there are many side effects that should be taken

into account. Based on that, Im going to prove globalisation can lead to the loss of cultural identity.

First of all, considering the aspect of entertainment, people are listening to the same music worldwide. Somecould argue that as long as people love a song, there should be no objection. However, in some cases, young

people listen to a song just because it is what their friends are doing. This is resulted from globalisation which

brings foreign cultures, especially those from Western countries, to many Asian countries.

Secondly, you can see people are wearing the same clothes in many different places. The reason could be the

affordable prices of the clothes or it might be a fashion. Hence, the traditional clothes are becoming obsolete

and being ignored.


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Finally, young people are behaving similarly. As I said, globalisation brings foreign cultures to many

countries. Some are good but not all of them. If these behaviours are not monitored carefully, the next

generation can be stimulated with bad behaviours.

In conclusion, I strongly believe globalisation could lead to the loss of cultural identity for three reasons. First,

the same music is being listened to everywhere. Secondly, people are wearing the same clothes. Next, the

behaviours of young people are becoming the same.

Should parents be obliged to immunise their chil dren against chi ldhood diseases? Or do individuals havethe right to choose not to immunise their chil dren?

Childhood diseases can become very serious if not treated properly. In many poor countries, the number of

children who die because of ailments is very high. Hence, it should be an obligation for parents to immunise

their children against childhood diseases. In this paper, Im going to discuss the reasons for which

immunisation programs must be enforced.

First of all, as can be seen, children in many poor countries are so easy to get infected due to the poor

healthcare system. In such countries, the number of children dying because of childhood diseases is

alarmingly high. Another possible reason is that parents do not take children protection into account well

enough. They have to worry much about earning money and how to survive. Hence, to protect them, parents

should be obliged to immunise their children.

Next, children are so vulnerable and obviously they are the future of a nation. Children protection is a must so

that any countries can maintain their wealth. If this immunisation program is not treated as an obligation, the

well being of children is not guaranteed since not every parent has a thorough understanding as to how to

provide the best condition for their childrens health.

In conclusion, I strongly recommend immunisation programs should be obligatory because of the two

mentioned reasons. The first reason is children are not well protected in many poor countries. Secondly,

children are the future of any nations. Having discussed that, I believe children will be protected and can havegreat experiences in their childhood if that program is implemented probably.

We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in businesses, hospitals, crime

detection and even to f ly planes. What th ings wil l they be used for in the futur e? Is this dependence on

computers a good thing or should we be more auspicious of their benefi ts?

Computerisation is a new trend which is very controversial. With the advance of computers, our life has

become much easier. In the future, it is very likely that the computer can even be used to control flights

automatically and many other fascinating things. However, it is also alarming because we are becoming more

dependent on them. Therefore, some people believe it would lead to negative effects on the development of

human beings. In this paper, Im going to discuss how the computer can improve our life and why we need

not be suspicious of their benefits.

Firstly, the computer has been proven to save many of our labour jobs. The computer assists people in doing

repeated activities. For example, speaking of mathematics, it can be leveraged to perform many time-

consuming mathematical questions which would take us ten times longer when using manual calculation.


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Next, the efficiency of our performances could be increased. The behaviours of the computer are much

disciplined. In other words, it follows strictly a set of predefined procedures to carry out a task. Hence, our

jobs can be done with more accuracy.

Moreover, it reduces the participation of human in some dangerous jobs such as mining. For example, as

mentioned in many newspapers, Japan is gradually replacing human with robots in mining related activities.

Hence, the risk of losing human life can be significantly reduced.

Finally, Im going to prove that we need not be suspicious of the computers benefits. This perception seemsto stem from the thought that computers can take over the control of human or even replacing human. I admit

that the computer is replacing human in some areas but those areas were well considered in advance. For

example, instead of letting people to go to rescue in some dangerous areas, they use robots. Therefore, the

usage of the computer is actually determined by us even though it is being used to replace human labour.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by showing your viewpoint about:

1)what things computers can be used for in the future.

2)whether the dependence on computers is a good thing or not

3)should we be more auspicious of their benefits

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied: computerisation, negative effects, disciplined, leveraged, procedures, stem from .


There are a number of transition words used: however, therefore, firstly, next, moreover, finally.

The organization is clear and logical. There are 5 paragraphs totally which is very good because it ensures you

have enough time and still be able to express your ideas.


>change "save" in the 2nd paragraph to "reduce"

from "the computer has been proven to save many of our labour jobs" to "the computer has been proven to

reduce many of our labour jobs"

>change "perform" to "solve" in the 2nd paragraph.

>change "when using manual calculation" to "than doing manually" in the 2nd paragraph.

I n some countr ies people pay dif ferent rates of tax depending on their salary, in other countri es everyone

pays the same rate. Which do you believe is the best system?


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Undoubtedly, governments all around the world depend heavily on tax revenues to raise capital in order to

fund their defence and development projects. To collect this levy, governments use various methods of

taxation. While some are fairly simple, others can be quite complex. Although a simple tax system in which

everyone pays the same rate of tax may seem more convenient, it has some serious drawbacks. On the other

hand, a complex variable taxing system may give justice to the citizens as the amount of tax depends upon the

level of income and thus, it is popular in its own right.

In simple terms, the tax system that uses the same rate for all severely fails to fully understand the economic

complexities of the society, and oftentimes they are quite unfair. In Nepal, for instance, where the economic

distribution is extremely uneven and complex, both the low-income earners and the affluent pay the same rate

of tax on their income. This has instigated an outrage towards the government among the lower and average

income earners. Although the tax system is easy to understand, the feeling of abuse and bias that it brings to

the people is somewhat depressing.

By contrast,in advanced economies like that of Australia, the tax systems are tremendously complex.

Nevertheless, it should be noted that various solutions are available to counter this problem. Even though the

methods of levy contained in the Australian act may be difficult to understand and implement; in theory, it

treats people with fairness. With this type of system, the rich pay more levy and the average-income earners

pay only what they can afford. However, it can be argued that these systems are extremely sophisticated for an

average person to understand. Nonetheless, the issue of complexity can easily be resolved by using various

software and by visiting the official government websites. In other words, although complex systems may

appear intimidating at first, they benefit the people since they treat people fairly and equally.

It is, therefore, countries where a simple tax system is used, the burden of the levy is hard to bear for the

middle and the low-income earners, whereas countries where citizens pay tax based on their salary, the system

does justice to all its citizens. Hence, the later however complex, is a lot better, and more fair than the former.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were fully able to achieve the task by showing your stance as to which system is a better one.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is good.





PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ "Needless to say" is found more in spoken English. Hence, you should avoid using this phrase as it's

informal.

+ "On the other hand, however complex a variable taxing system may be"

> I think you know it's redundant to use "on the other hand" and "however" at the same time.


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+ Not clear "complex a variable taxing system may be, it does justice to the citizens as the amount of tax ..."

+ Subject Verb Agreement

> "the tax system that use the same rate" -> "the tax system that uses the same rate"

+ Missing articles:

> "simple tax system is used" -> "a simple tax system is used"

+ "often times" -> "oftentimes"

+ "severely complex" -> "tremendously complex"

Several l anguages die every year. Many people feel this is a posit ive trend and that a worl d with f ewer

languages promotes harmony and understanding between people. Analyze both sides of thi s argument and

provide your opinion.

Since technology has taken unimaginable strides over the years, world has become a global village. It isargued that in the wake of technology a significant number of languages are weeded out. It depends upon the

perception and perspective of different people as to how they take these changes. The following paragraphs

depict both sides of the coin.

To begin with, I would like to state that knowing a common language has played a pivotal role in the

prevailing scenario. For instance, English is known as a global language because it is assimilation and

amalgamation of all the different countries. Now any modern man can become a globe trotter capable of

visiting, trading and getting higher education from any part of the globe. Hence, it is clear from the above

example that having less languages gives more opportunities to explore the world more closely. Beside this,

people can get a chance to know each other very well, owing to no communication barriers.

On the contrary, many people are of the view that this will disappear many languages. Take India, For

instance, the youth of this country prefer to speak in English, instead to talk in their own national language, as

they believe that this will be congenial for them to settle down their career in near future. The reason could be

that now the multinational companies are found any corner of the world and they hire only people that are

good in English. Thus, it has been seen from the given example that, people feel that this trend will vanish

their traditional languages. However, I am at the variance of this statement because it is today demands to

know the global language as we are living in a techno-savvy world whereby nothing is possible without

communication as every business, education, shopping and social interaction are held on internet.

Keeping all the above in consideration, I would like to conclude that it is a positive approach that nowadays,

we have fewer languages to deal with; because to embark the paradigm of excellence and epitome of

perfection, one has to flow with the waves of water.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were fully able to achieve the task by analysing both sides of the issue and showing your own opinion on

that.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE


7/30

Vocabulary is good.





PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ Punctuation problems:

> "Since, the technology has taken the stride over the years;world has become"

> "It is argued that,"

> "I would like to state that,"

> "English is ..., because it ..." (no need to use a commma before "because". The reason is that the second

clause is very short.)

> Many errors in the third paragraph

+ Article "the" in "Since the technology has taken the stride over the years"

+ incomplete: "the perception and perspective of different people,how they take these changes"

> You can say like this but in academic writing, you have to modify it.

+ Subject Verb Agreement

> "The following paragraphs depicts the both sides of coin"

+ Wrong expression "the both sides of coin"

+ You shouldn't use "because" when writing only one clause.

GOOD: I didn't go to class because it was raining heavily.

BAD: I didn't go to class. Because it was raining heavily.

+ Redundancy: "To conclude .... I would like to conclude that"

Nowadays, chi ldren play less with one another and th is has an impact on their development. What are the

reasons for this? Does it have a good or a bad effect on chi ldren?

In the prevailing scenario, it can be commonly seen all around the globe that children spend more time with

gadgets and gizmos, instead of playing with their peers. There are quite a few possible reasons behind this

such as technology and parent's insecurity. Many consider this attitude as a negative effect on children.


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However, from my understanding, it has a significant number of benefits which are discussed in the further

paragraphs.

In order to justify my point of view, I would like to state that technology has played an indispensable role to

keep children busy at their home. For instance, children in India especially in metropolitan cities spend a huge

amount of time on surfing the Internet and playing play station games. With respect to that, they enhance and

accentuate their intellectual skills; while acquiring more knowledge from the internet and moreover using

keyboard booms the coordination and movement of fingers. Besides this, the highly sophisticated play stations

encourage them to do more physical movements, thereby keeping them physically fit. Therefore, it is clear

from the above example that technology is one reason through which children spend less time with each other.

Furthermore, it is believed that the contemporary world is not a safe place for anyone. In today's busy world,

parents have very less time or no time to keep an eye on their kids. Take India, for instance, mostly parents are

working and children are always instructed not to go out to meet with the friends because parents know that

most of the time their children learn some bad habits from their fellow age groups. Apart from this, parents

feel insecure about any miss-happening with their kids such as kid-napping, as these are common in India.

Thus it can be clearly seen from the example that parents also are the another reason for this behavior of

children.

However, some people argued that this leads to many negative effects, such as children's losing interaction,

which is the base of their development. However, I am at the variance of this because children fill this gap by

interacting with each other through social networking websites.

Keeping in mind all the above, I would like to conclude that we all are living in a techno savvy world, which

blessed our children with enormous websites to fulfill the physical requirements as well as intellectual ones of

their body, while staying safe from the outer world.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were fully able to achieve the task by showing the reason for the trend and your opinion on whether it'sgood or bad to children.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is good.





PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ "Well, there are so many reasons behind this": I'm not going to say this is wrong but it sounds more like in

daily conversations. You should avoid using phrases expressing your personal feeling.

+ "so many reasons behind this": Since this is the second time I checked your writing, I notice you like to use

"so many" which is not wrong but not academic. There are various ways to express that.


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+ Why did you use quotation in this: reasons behind this; "such as technology and parent's insecurity".

> I couldn't find any reason for using that.

+ "a negative effects on children": is it plural or singular?

+ "however, as per my notion it has a significant number ..." should be put into a separate sentence.

+ Some of my friends frequently use this phrase "as per my notion". However, it's not what local people

actually use in Australia. I guess this happens to all languages, especially English since different countrieshave different accents and slangs.

+ "I would like to state that,technology has play an": you shouldn't use comma here.

+ Present Perfect: "technology has play an indispensable role" -> "technology has played an indispensable

role"

+ Your writing is more like spoken English. You should avoid this because it pulls your mark down.

> "children in India especially in metropolitan cities they spend huge amount of time on surfing internet and

playing play station games": where is the subject? where is the verb? Answering these questions helps youunderstand why I said it's like spoken English.

+ "spend huge amount of time" -> "spend a huge amount of time"

+ "surfing internet" -> "surfing the Internet"

+ Subject Verb Agreement: "using keyboard boom the coordination and movement of fingers"

+ Wrong "the utmost busiest world"

+ The way you used "because" in "Because parents know that most ..." is wrong

> Example: I didn't go to class because it was raining heavily.

=> You need to give 2 clauses.

+ "feel insecurity" -> "feel insecure"

+ You shouldn't use "the" here because you didn't mention it earlier: "leads to the negative effects"

Out of a countrys health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending onhealth education and preventative measur es. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

As reported, there have been a few recommendations from health experts to Governments on allocating

budgets to educate the public to live a healthy lifestyle which can prevent people from falling ill. I totally

agree with them, as it is a cost-effective way to handle public health problem confronted by most of the

governments in the world.

One of the most important functions of governments is to maintain the public health at a relatively high level.

However, the traditional pattern adopted by governments is spending a large amount of money on providing


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treatment, which leads to a vicious circle: the more money they invested, the worse situation it turned to be.

Let's consider smoking controll programs in China. According to statistics, there are about 1.2 million of

people died of lung cancer because of smoking or second-handed smoking. Merely in 2000, the cost of

smoking in China has reached nearly 5 billion RMB varied from treatment expenditure and the production

losses. In fact, if the government had switched its policy by providing more education programs about living a

healthy life style, asking the cigarette manufactures to tag warning marks on the packaging of cigarette,

forbidding smoking in public, penalizing the retailers who sell cigarette to the people under 18. Doing that, the

amount of patients suffered from lung cancer would reduce significantly.

Moreover, funding on disease prevention projects and educating the public with healthy life style would

contribute to the social stability. Suffering from disease is not only money-consuming but also miserable and

painful. It isnt unusual to see people commit crimes because of money shortage which stems from highly cost

of disease treatments. If Governments take action before bad situation happens, for example, raising residents

health awareness and proving an unpolluted environment, it will prevent many people from suffering disease

so as to curb the proliferation of crime.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were not fully able to achieve the task because you didn't say your stance whether you agree or disagreewith the topic.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is average and you need to put more effort into improving it. There were many words/phrases you

used incorrectly.


Paragraphs are quite organised even though you used some irrelevant examples in the third paragraph.



PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ "healthy experts" and "health experts" are completely different.

> "healthy experts" refers to professionals in any occupation who are physically healthy.

+ "It is reported that ... wrote ... that"

> it sounds very redundant.

> Next, your introduction is quite vage since it doesn't clearly show your stance whether you agree or disagree

with the topic. You only showed you agreed with the health experts.

+ Plural: "handle public health problem" -> "handle public health problems"

+ Incomplete "the more money been put in" (where is the verb? which tense is it?)

+ Incomplete sentence "Take smoking controlling in China for example"


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> Right: Let's take smoking controll programs in China as an example (not for example)

+ "According to the report, there are about 1.2 million of people died of lung cancer ..."

> "the report"??? which report?

+ Propaganda is used for political issues.

+ You could lose marks for this: "It isnt unusual" -> "It is not unusual"

+ "the packing of cigarette" is wrong. Examples of correct usage include:

> "the packaging of cigarette"

> "Cigarette pack"

+ "treatment" is countable -> "treatments"

+ "the bad situation happens": which situation? did you mention it earlier in the essay? why are you using

"the" there?

+ You definitely have to provide a conclusion for your essay which sums up everything you said above and

re-instate your opinion.

---------------------------------------------------------

Health is the biggest topic in our whole world. It does not matter how wealthy a nation is and how much

budget is being spent on healthcare services. Rather the main purpose is to provide sustainable health facilities

to every human being. I believe education is the first method which brings senses of living without

sophisticated disease and unhealthy life. Hence, I personally support that a huge momentary structure should

be invested in health education and preventive activities.

Firstly, health education for low educated people implies prevention of being involved in many criminal

activities causing life threatening diseases such as Typhoid,HIV and other communicable ones. For example,

in most of developing countries, people are suffering from so many communicable disease because they do

not know about disadvantage of taking unhygienic food and water because they do not how to purify the water

and how to clean food.If we can provide the information about basic information to them then we can avoid

those disease and that education cost will be definitively lesser than treatment cost.

Similarly,We pay big bundle of cash to hospital because we have suffered with disease but we are not ready to

take vaccination which only cost few.Preventive method take long time but it come at low cast and everybody

can face that facilities.

In other hand,treatment is method of preventing from death emergency,it would be measurable on some

disaster condition but it is more expensive and sometime we will not able to get good result because we are

still unable to have all appropriate skill and materials.Further more,if some body come with massive bleeding

by cutting his arm,in that case hospital should suture the wound and prevent from bleeding abnormalities.Like

that,treatment are more important in some cases.


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To be concluded,health education and prevention measure go for long time and affordable by everyone so

country's big budget should be invested in education and prevention measure where as treatment should be

available as much as possible.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task because you have clearly mentioned your stance on the topic.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is weak and you need to put more effort into improving it. There were many words/phrases you

used incorrectly.


Paragraphs are quite organised.


You made lots of mistakes especially subject verb agreement which can pull your mark down significantly.


PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ "Health is the biggest topic ... to every human being": it's too long and comprises of 2 separate ideas. Hence,

I strongly suggest you split them into 2 sentences.

+ "the first method which bring senses" -> "the first method which brings senses"

+ "which country have much budget" -> "which country has much budget"

+ Punctuation: "to every human being.I believe education" -> "to every human being. I believe education"

(after periods, you need to put a space.)

+ Your ability in expressing ideas is quite weak:

> "senses of living without sophisticated disease and unhealthy life": it doesn't sound right to me.

> "a huge momentary structure" -> "a huge rapid change should take place"

> "prevention of being involved in many kind of preventable disease like Typhoid,HIV and other

communicable diseases"

+ "so i personally support": you shouldn't use "so" at the beginning of a sentence because it's only used as a

connector for 2 ideas in the same sentence. For example: "it was raining heavily so I didn't go to school"

+ "the grass-hood level,uneducated people": it's strong and not academic.

+ "health education to low educated people means preventing": you should use "imply" not "mean"

+ wrong "preventing of being involved"


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+ "people are suffering from so many communicable disease because they do not know about disadvantage of

taking unhygienic food and water because they do not how to purify the water and how to clean food.": it's so

long and there should be only one "because". In spoken English, you can repeat using that word as a way to

emphasise your ideas.

Happiness is considered very important i n l if e. Why is it di f fi cult to def ine? What factors are important in

achieving happiness?

As far as I know, the perception of happiness differs considerably from one individual to another as a result

of the diversity of characteristics and environmental factors. In this essay, a few factors to attain happiness

will be identified.

Admittedly, happiness means different things to different people because of their various perceptions. Some

people refer happiness as a feeling of pleasure or enjoyment. For instance, a child has toys, a girl owns a shoes

collection or people enjoy spending time with their family and friends. Nevertheless, other people see money

as a source of happiness. They sacrifice everything in their pursuit of wealth and consider that earning money

is solely a way to attain happiness.

Another reason why people have difficulty in defining happiness is that their objectives and interests vary in

different life stages. One has the passion for toys as a child, fashionable clothing as a youth, an admirable

occupation as an adult and possibly a company of family members as an elder. With age, ones attitudes,

capabilities and concerns are subject to change. Following the latest fads, for examples, appeals to young

people, despite the expenditure of time and money. By comparison, senior people are hardly interested in their

clothes fashion. They even tend to regard them as a wasteful use of money.

Considering the fact that people are all motivated to attain objectives for their happiness, they should first give

different weight to different subjects, such as health, money, family or occupation. Few people can attain

several aims at the same time. Therefore, the primary factor to achieve happiness is identifying the top priorityelements. In addition, in order to be truly happy, it is necessary to live a good life as well as to do something

useful with their lives. Some people get a sense of achievement from their work, whereas others find

happiness is bringing up their children.

In conclusion, each person defines happiness in his own ways based on personal perceptions and life stages. In

general, determining the top priority elements in achieving one's objectives and living a good life are the two

most important factors to attain happiness.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by showing the reasons for difficulty in defining happiness and the key

factors to attain it .

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is good with some neglectable mistakes which could be easily improved.


Paragraphs are well organised with clear topic sentences.


14/30



PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ "the mixes effect" doesn't sound academic.

+ "determine" was not used properly in "My essay will determine some factors"

> "determine" is to decide or settle conclusively and authoritatively (I suppose you were going to discuss the

topic not giving a definite conclusion about how to attain happiness)

> "My essay will determine": your essay is only a writing task. It's not a person to decide something.

+ "Admittedly, happiness means different things to different people"

> it's not wrong but you shouldn't start your discussion by saying "admittedly" because it implies that this is a

fact and we need not discuss at all. (just my personal feeling)

> and in academic writing, people normally start by discussing a matter and then gradually go to a conclusion.

+ "another people see money as a source of happiness"

> "another" is for singular nouns but "people" is plural.

+ You are missing an article here "earning money is solely way"

+ "in their clothes in fashion" -> "in their clothes fashion"

+ "identifies happiness as their own ways base on" -> "identifies happiness in their own ways based on"

+ "each person identifies happiness in his own ways":

> "identify" is to establish or indicate who or what. It's subtly different from "define"

The costs of international travel are decreasing and tour ism is growing. What are the advantages and

disadvantages of i ncreasing tour ism activity in dif ferent countr ies?

In recent decades, low cost airfare has made international travel easier and many countries have, therefore,

developed their tourism industries into key sectors of their economies. While it is clear tourism brings obvious

benefits to the countries that host tourists, it is also true to say it may bring disadvantages as well.

Undoubtedly, there are significant benefits that tourism brings to a country. First, a thriving tourist industry

implies an increasing need for a variety of services such as hotels, transport, restaurants, and entertainment.

This results in a considerable number of jobs being created for people who lack a college education and also

the development of the infrastructure needed to accommodate visitors. Moreover, tourism is a "green"

industry that, unlike factories, generates a low level of pollution. In fact, because beautiful natural landscapes

are often places that tourists come to see, a country will often be sure to maintain the landscape in order to

keep it attractive for tourists.


15/30

Despite the benefits, there are aspects of tourism that may prove harmful to a country. For instance, a country

may suffer from the loss of their traditional culture. This is caused by people in a country changing their

lifestyle, customs, and language in order to more effectively serve visitors or because they become influenced

by foreign countries. This can cause stress in a traditional society and could even lead to animosity towards

tourists. In addition, because tourists often carry expensive objects like cameras and are unaware of their

surroundings, they make good targets for theft. Crime also increases as a result of the increases in drugs and

prostitution that caters to some vacationers.

In summary, global tourism is greatly beneficial to an economy and environment of a country. However, it

can be detrimental in several ways. To my way of thinking, a country should seek to develop its tourism

industry because it can bring steady jobs to many people without their need for higher education and without

the risk of environmental damages.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by showing your own opinions on the pros and cons of increasing tourism

activity.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is well thought and demonstrates your flexibility in using different constructs of English

language.


Paragraphs are clearly organised.



PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ it's not wrong to say "traveling the world" in the introduction but it will sound more academic if it's replaced

with "international travel". The same principle applies in the following phrases:

> "It cannot be denied that" -> "undoubtedly"

+ Your vocabulary and grammar skills are very good but they can be improved to be more academic, thereby

raising your IELTS test results. Please check your edited essay to see the way your sentences are paraphrased.

+ "as a result of that increases": increases is plural, it's wrong to use "that".

I t is generall y beli eved that some people are born with certain talents, for i nstance for sport or music, and

others are not. H owever, it is sometimes claimed that any chi ld can be taught to become a good sports

person or musician. Discuss both these views and give your own opini on.

It is actually very common to hear people saying that "this kid was born to do this". There is much discussion

as to whether people are indeed born with talents or anyone can be taught how to gain certain skills.


16/30

On the one hand, it is thought that each one of us has a specific talent that was born with it. Therefore, there

are several children that are definetely very good at music or sports even from their young age even though

they have not be taught how to do this before. Moreover, there are many children that have managed to

develop their skills on their own without any help from experts. This is actually what impresses people and

yrge them to believe that there are people that have been born with specifis talents. However, that does not

mean that experts and teachers are not important, as they play an essential role in order to identify these

talentes children and help them to improve their skills.

On the other hand, several people argue that everyone can become a good musician or athlete, for example,

provided that they are taught by qualified teachers. What is needed is to be really keen on learning and willing

to try hard in order to achieve your goal. There are lots of examples of children that they didn't seem to be

able to ever be a musician, but after a lot of practise and lessons, they finally succeeded it. Everyone can

become what he is dreaming through the right and professional training.

Taking all the above into consideration, I hold the view that there are actually some children that from the

very young age seem to be very talented in different skills, but without the appropriate training from experts,

noone can improve their skills in order to reach to the absolute perfect scale.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by discussing both sides and giving your own opinion.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is quite weak with occasional typo.


Paragraphs are organised.



PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ "Be born to do this" is a common phrase not "this kid was born to do this". Next, using quotes as such is not

formal and should not be used in the IELTS Writing exam.

+ When you write "There is much discussion as to whether people are indeed born with" like in the

introduction. It sounds you are introducing an idea. However, in my view, you wanted to say there should be

more discussions on the topic.

+ In the phrase "each one of us has a specific talent that was born with it", the word "that" is used to refer to "a

specific talent". Your sentence literally means "a talent is born with itself" not every one of us is born with

talents.

+ "definetely" -> "definitely"

+ "yrge" -> "urge"


17/30

+ Wrong tense:

> "they have not be taught" -> "they have not been taught"

> "what impresses people and urge them" -> "what impresses people and urges them"

+ "several people argue ..., for example, provided that they are taught by qualified teachers". So is that

sentence your topic sentence or an example. You shouldn't mix them.

+ "several" is used when the refered subjects are countable. You should have used "a few".

+ Wrong "succeeded it".

+ Your sentence is incomplete "some children that from the very young age seem to be very".

Some people thi nk it would be a good idea for schools to teach every young person how to be a good parent.

Do you agree or disagree with thi s opin ion? Descri be the ski l ls a person needs to be a good parent.

The increasing number of marriage in the coming years contributes to the fact that the age of parents tends tobe younger and younger. The issue how to feed and teach their children in the correct direction has been

shown up in front of these low-aged parents. Setting up a specified course in school for young person to

acknowledge the essential skills seems to be reasonable.

As to the skills of being a superior parent, responsibility is one of the crucial expertise in this area. The

majority of the parents, especially who became parent at the early age, tend to rarely afford this burden and

lack of patience to keep on educate their children. Recent research reported by East Daily, illustrates that

approximately 35 percent of the young parents fail to watch their babies which is taken care of by their

grandparent instead. This figure is also booming right now. Develop responsibility when they feed and

educate their own boys or girls is supposed to be an evitable course for the special education institute.

Meanwhile, a well-qualified parent is capable of keeping the balance of award and punishment. Its vital for

parents to acquire this when handling their childs trouble case. Provided that schools can supply the

appropriate measures and approaches for young person in this situation, this can simply avoid the confusion

and negative effect on his child.

To sum up, the qualification of being a good parent is involved in strong responsibilities for family, properly

encouraging their children and criticizing the incorrect behavior when they are growing up. There is no doubt

that schools should establish the lesson for every young person to acquire how to cultivate their next

generation.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by showing whether you agree or disagree with the topic and describing the

skills to be a good parent.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is quite good but you still need to improve.


18/30


Paragraphs are well organised with clear topic sentences.



PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ Plural: "The increasing number of marriage" -> "The increasing number of marriages".

+ You were focusing too much on the wording and forgetting the real meaning here "The increasing number

of marriages in the coming years contributes to the fact". Check out how I fixed that for you.

+ "expertise" was wrongly used.

+ Gerund: "keep on educate their children" -> "keep on educating their children"

+ You seem to have serious issues with punctuation:

"Recent research reported by East Daily, illustrates that".

> I said this because there have been many students making similar mistakes like this.

+ "Develop responsibility ... is supposed to be an evitable course": Wrong. Tell me which one is the main verb

in that sentence.

+ I guessed you didn't want to say "an evitable course" but instead "an inevitable course"

+ "for the special education institute": which special education institute?

+ Many mistakes here "the balance of award and punishment":

> "the balance between ... and ... "

> Reward And Award are different. Check out Reward And Award.

+ Wrong "childs trouble case"

+ "for every young person to acquire how to cultivate their next generation"

> you were using "every young person" which is single

> you then used "their" -> incorrect.

+ I prefer to use the word "skills" here: "the qualification of being a good parent" because the writing task asks

you what the skills a person needs to be a good parent are, not about qualifications.

I t has been proved that smoking ki ll s. I n some countr ies it has been made il legal for people to smoke in al l

publ ic places except in certai n areas. Al l countr ies should make these rules. Do you agree or di sagree with

this statement?


19/30

Many of us know smoking is injurious to health. When a person is smoking,during inhaling nicotin is pumped

into lungs, blood cells. After a period of time the blood cells become habituated to nicotin, which makes the

person addicted to smoking. With excessive smoking, it can cause blood cancer or lung cancer, which can

lead to death of the person. During exhaling the nicotin can be absorbed by people standing around him even

though they are not smoking. Those innocent lives will also get affected. Hence, strict rules have to be applied

to stop smoking in public areas.

To begin with, in some countries youngsters simply follow cinema stars in the movie industry. When

watching movies, if heros smoke the ciggerete in different styles, many young people blindly follow them.

After a while they will slowly become addicted. It is important that censor board should implement strict rules

on those kind of activies.

Secondly, public smoking in open areas such as community centers and public grounds can cause health

issues to the people who come refreshment activites like playing, walking and jogging.

Additionally, the Government should also provide awareness programs through TV, news papers about the

repercussions of smoking in public places.

In summary, I feel the public smoking should be banned in all countries for the benefit of their citizens.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by showing very clearly whether you agree or disaree with it and giving

supporting examples for that.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is acceptable assuming some of the mistakes were just typographical errors.


Paragraphs are organised but very weak in expressing your ideas. Some are just too short and cannot be

considered as proper paragraphs. Essentially, your conclusion was not focused enough and you should write

more about the main ideas in your essay.



PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ The 3rd and 4th paragraphs are too short. It leads to the feeling of incompleteness in your essay.

+ "Many of us already know" -> "Many of us know".

+ Wrong tense: "the blood cells habituated to nicotin"

+ "Those innocent lifes also get affected with them" -> "Those innocent lifes also get affected"

+ Wrong usage of "so": "so It has to be made a strict rule". You shouldn't use it to start a sentence.

+ "in a public places": single and plural at the same time.


20/30

+ "youth simply the follow the cinema stars": which one is the subject? which one is the verb?

+ "the cinema stars in the movie industry": which cinema stars? did you mention them earlier?

+ "ciggerete" -> "cigarette"

+ "imporant" -> "important"

+ "censorboard" -> "censor board"

+ "refershment" -> "refreshment"

+ Punctuation:

> "After a period of time the blood cells become habituated to nicotin" -> "After a period of time, the blood

cells become habituated to nicotin"

> "I feel, the public smoking should be banned" -> "I feel the public smoking should be banned" (example: I

feel/think that).

+ Never use "etc .." in your essay. You can use "such as" and then list all the examples.

+ Incomplete: "who come refershment activites" -> "who come there for refreshment activites"

+ Wrong usage of the article "the": "the awareness programs" + Wrong "it's citizens"

Creative art ists should always be given the freedom to express their own ideas (in words, pictures, music or

f ilm) in whichever way they wish. There shoul d be no government restr ictions on what they do. To what

extent do you agree or disagree with thi s opini on.

It is generally accepted that creativity should come along with no restrictions, even by government; therefore,

reasonably, the freedom should be given to creative artists. Put differently, artists should have the right to

express their own ideas in whatever ways they like.

Undoubtedly, creativity to a certain extent means no confines, and without confines, creative artists could

produce attractive, original art works in the ways they prefer, and in that way their work could convey all their

ideas effectively. The Reader, adapted into a movie from a book and both are exciting, is a perfect example

best illustrated the importance of the "on restriction" for artists. Moreover, understandingly, only with this no-

restriction can the world become a better civilized one, in which people could express their thoughts in

numerous ways freely. Provided that artists can say their ideas in whatever way they wish, the diversity of the

cultures and spirits will certainly boom. Thus, we can elevate our physiological states as well as enjoy feasts

in physical lives like what Avatar brought to us.

However, not all the good will bring good results. For one thing, some people can create ideas which are

essentially wrong. An example of wrong ideas could be the disabled are doomed in lower class and should be

discriminated. Then, someone adapts them into a film with special effects. Hence, it may prevail among

people including children who are easily accepted these wrong thoughts as norms. Move horribly, a few

people might utilize the no-restriction regulations to spread anti-government ideas in disguised, favorable


21/30

ways, which would probably damage the stability of a society. These aspects are better expelled from the no-

restriction zone.

All in all, I think government restrictions of ways artists could use should diminish to some extent, but not

completely. There are indeed some areas that need regulations. With the accurate circumference of restriction,

I believe the world will become more civilized, cultures will diversify, and our lives will be enriched.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by showing your opinion on the topic and state very clearly whether you

agree or disaree with it.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is exceptional.


Paragraphs are well organised. If each paragraph has its own topic sentence, it would be far better. Currently,

the first sentences do not show the ideas of the paragraphs.



PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ Subject Verb Agreement: "all the good will brings good results" -> "all the good will bring good results".

+ Please take a look back to your original writing. From there, you can realise your writing could have been

far better than that. In the 3rd paragraph, the way you wrote could lead to serious confusion. Next, you should

be more careful with how you use punctuation.

Chi ldren Over 15 years shoul d be allowed to take their own Decision without any I nterference fr om Their

Parents. Do You Agree or D isagree?

Children over 15 years of age are considered matured. They can make their own decision by themselves and

also know what their responsibilities are. I totally agree with the point that they should be allowed to make

their own decision for life without restrictions from their parents.

Most children of age over 15 years will either be in their last year of secondary school or in their first year ofHigh School. If they are allowed to make their own decisions for life at this time of their life, they will be

more focused in achieving their targets. On the other hand, if they are not allowed to do or make decisions for

themselves they will not be more dedicated towards it. For example, if you are interested in a subject and you

want to study it. Your interest towards the subject makes you do research or explore more about it from many

different sources. This makes you more knowledgeable about the subject. But if you have no interest in it,

then you just do what you are told to do and nothing more. The reason is that you are more dedicated to the

work you choose by yourself than to the work chosen by someone else.


22/30

However, parents should get involved in guiding their children into the right path since children are very

likely to make wrong decisions. That is why parents should play the role of guiding them to the right path and

also support them to reach their goals and successes.

In conclusion, allowing children to make their own decisions will also help them boast their self-confidence

and will also teach them to take responsibilities by themselves. After all you become happy when you get to

do what you wished to.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by showing whether you agree or disagree with the topic and giving

supporting examples.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is quite good but you still need to improve. As I noticed, you make more errors with articles "a",

"the" and plural nouns.


Paragraphs are quite organised but do not have clear topic sentences.



PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ Very good introduction. Simple and not repeating the requirement.

+ The second paragraph is not very good because it doesn't have a topic sentence.

+ "their last year of secondary school level" -> "their last year of secondary school"

+ Plural "make their own decision for life" -> "make their own decisions for life"

+ Wrong "In the other hand" -> "On the other hand".

> "In the other hand" is not an idiom. It's simply saying that you are holding something in the "other" hand.

+ You were totally confused about articles "a", "the", subject verb agreement and how to use plurals here:

"For example, if you are interested in some subject and you want to study it. Your interest towards the

subjects make you do research or explore more about it from other outer sources. This makes you moreknowledgeable about the subject."

+ Fragmented "Because you are more dedicated to the work you choose ...". Never write a sentence which

only includes one phrase starting with "because". For example, you can write: "He passed the exam because

he studied very hard this semester". From that, you can see there are 2 phrases with the second one used to

indicate the reason.

+ "Works" is incorrect because it's uncountable: "the works chosen by someone else"


23/30

+ You repeated ideas in the 3rd paragraph too many times.

+ In the conclusion, you introduced new ideas which were not mentioned earlier: "... will also help them ..."

> it's not a right way to write an academic essay.

Biotechnology companies all over the world are developing di ff erent types of genetically modif ied (GM)

crops. However, not enough is known about these crops on our health and the envir onment. I nterfer ing

with natur e in th is way shoul d be prohi bited. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Recently, it has become an extremely controversial issue around the world that genetically modified crops

have many drawbacks whose serious consequences on human health and the environment are not thoroughly

understood in spite of its improvement to the increased volume of food. In this paper, I am going to analyse

the advantages and disadvantages of genetically modified food.

First and foremost, it is, perhaps, the case that genetically modified food is a good way to produce huge

amount of food in a short time period and with less money.Equally important, people can cultivate this type of

food in areas where it is difficult to grow because of low soil quality and lack of source of water for irrigation.It is certainly true that genetic modification is a good way to produce many types of seeds that have higher

resistance to many well-known food diseases.

In spite of these benefits, there are a significantly high number of disadvantages related to genetically

modified food. Perhaps one of the most obvious points is that it is causing more diseases to human being.

Moreover, the organic food has more nutritive value than genetically modified food like vitamins and

minerals.It seems to be clear that the genetically modified food may contribute to the pollution and produce

many types of unknown seeds.

In conclusion, it is not doubtful that genetically modified food has both advantages and disadvantages. Some

people emphasize the benefits of GM foods, while others are focused more on the negative side. To put it a

different way, provided that the government address the magnitude of this massive issue and its underlying the

causes, they can make a significant difference.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were not able to achieve the task because you didn't say where you stand whether you agree or disagree

with the statement "Interfering with nature in this way should be prohibited" in the requirement.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is quite good but you need to put more effort into improving it. There were many words/phrases

you used incorrectly.


Paragraphs are quite organised even though you used some contradicting ideas in improper places.




24/30

PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ You are adding too many stop words. Just use simple but effective sentences.

+ You are contradicting yourself: "... extremely controversial issue ... that genetically modified food has many

benefit and drawback"

> How come a controversial issue is about having both benefits and drawbacks?

+ You tried to use linking phrases such as "therefore" but it was not properly used since it doesn't make sense."it has become an extremely controversial issue ... Therefore, for the purposes of this essay, I shall confine"

+ Incorrect "in short period"

+ incomplete phrase: "and less money". In that context, you should use "and with less money"

+ "because bad soil quality" -> "because of bad soil quality"

+ Wrong in the meaning "genetically modified food is a good way to produce many types of seeds"

+ "disadvantages" is countable -> Wrong "a great deal of disadvantages"

+ 2 errors in this phrase "it is cause many disease among the people"

> which one is the main verb? "is" or "cause"?

> "many diseases"

+ "What is more" is for spoken english. It's not suitable for academic writing.

+ The third paragraph was about the cons of GM food. Why did you put this sentence there "the organic food

has more nutritive value"?

+ You don't have any supporting examples for this statement "genetically modified food may contribute

pollution and produce many types of unknown seeds".

+ "however" was not used properly here "In conclusion, however, it is not doubtful that"

I n the past, people used to travel to many places to see dif ference from their country. Now all the places

around the worl d are getting more and more simi lar . What is the cause of th is simi lar ity? Do you think the

advantages of thi s similari ty overweigh the disadvantages?

It is a common phenomenon that every corner of the world we live in is becoming more similar than it used

to be in the past. There are many evidences such as the wide spread of Mcdonald and K.F.C. and skyscrapers

in every metropolitan. In this essay, I would like to give a discussion on the causes along with my own

opinion about this phenomenon.

Apparently, globalization is the main reason causing this problem. As the consequences of globalization, first

of all, a variety of foods have overcome geographic barriers and they are introduced to different countries and

areas. As I specified above, fast food companies like Macdonalds and K.F.C. are one of the most suitable


25/30

examples. Besides, sushi and sashimi, the traditional Japanese food, are now available in many restaurants in

western countries. Similarly, famous western food such as pizza and pasta can be enjoyed by many in Asian

countries. Apart from the catering industry, new construction concepts have cultivated in peoples mind. For

instance, temples and pagodas used to be the main icons of Asia but recently high buildings and skyscrapers

have been erected up in many cities of those countries such as Tokyo and Shanghai which are very much

similar to those in London and New York. Finally, the gradually resembled ideology can be the third

contributing factor. For instance, a great number of people begin to celebrate Christmas Day, Valentines Day

and even Halloween in countries where they were not used to be. All in all, we cannot reach these pointswithout advanced modern technology, say Internet and automated manufacturing system, which also

accelerating the pace of globalization.

Although globalization seemingly benefits our society and peoples lives, its negative side cannot be

overlooked. The current trend of globalization has also been criticized for ignoring sustainable development

and environmental concerns. Large multi-corporations build factories in different countries aiming to enlarge

their profits, but it is also detrimental to local environments by gas emissions and inappropriate waste

disposals. Furthermore, these corporations consume large quantity of natural resources to meet peoples

demand. It is estimated by experts that fossil oil will be run out in very near future. In addition, some

youngsters are so obsessed with foreign trend that they are reluctant to learn about their own cultures. As aresult, they may be lost in finding their identity someday.

In sum, globalization brings us both merits and demerits. However, we cannot resist it just because it has

drawbacks. It is quite obvious that there is a significant improvement in our living standards and so many

people are benefiting from it. Isnt it a sign that indicating globalization has more advantages than

disadvantages?

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by pointing out the reason and showing your stand on the topic.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is good and you have demonstrated your ability in using a wide range of vocabulary.





PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ "I would like to give a discussion to" -> "I would like to give a discussion on".

+ Problems in meaning:

> "the world we live in is more similar". Similar to what?

> "This can be found in many facts". If they are facts, why do you need to prove?


26/30

> "Personally, globalization definitely is". When you use "personally", you mean you are not sure about

something and it only represents your own thought. You then use "definitely" which means you are absolutely

sure about something.

+ "the wide spreading" -> "the wide spread".

+ An example of how to use "by the effects of": Many deaths in high-altitude mountaineering have been

caused by the effects of the death zone. As you can see, it should be used in a passive sentence to illustrate

who/what the main cause is.

+ "As the consequences of globalization, first of all, ": you shouldn't use 2 phrases that have the same function

in a sentence as such. It's not wrong but just doesn't sound right.

+ "geographic barrier" -> "geographic barriers"

+ "varieties of food has overcome"??? Please read this A variety of

+ "fast food like Macdonalds and K.F.C. are one" -> "fast food companies"

+ "the perfect examples" doesn't make sense in that context.

+ Wrong punctuation: "sushi and sashimi, the traditional Japanese food can be eaten". For example: Peter, the

chairman of the meeting, left very early.

+ "pizza and pasta can be enjoyed by Asian countries": It's not the countries which enjoy the food but the

people who live there.

+ "new construction concept" -> "new construction concepts"

+ "resource" -> "resources"

I have corrected many similar mistakes. In other words, you really need to improve your ability in using pluraland singular nouns properly.

+ You couldn't demonstrate your ability in using complex sentences: "some youngsters are so obsessed with

foreign trend that reluctantly to know".

+ "but" cannot be used to start a sentence as you did. For example: The rain was very heavy but I still decided

to go to school.

I n many countri es schools have severe problems with student behavior . what do you thi nk are the causes ofthis? what solu tions can you suggest?

Negative student behavior in school environment has become alarmingly high about which many people are

concerned. School managers mention the steady growth of these trends will damage the education system. I

believe that you can find the reasons of this disorder in our educational environments and non-qualified

teachers.

It is strongly proved that the atmosphere has a significant effect on human reactions. Low air quality

standards, lacking of air conditioning, insufficient space for playing, crowded environments are some


27/30

examples that scientists have proven to be linked to students behavior. The reason is that students are young

and energetic so they need to have more outdoor activities. Governments should modify school standards and

allocate more subsidies to school managers to reorganize the facilities and space and also to change the shape

of our educational area from an office to a calm place for our students.

Besides that, most of our teachers and school managers are not qualified personnel. Statistics show that just

three out of twenty five teachers in my country have passed mental related courses and are familiar with some

basic needs of students and youngsters. The results attributed to our school managers is worst by just three

persons out of a hundred which indicates that there is a strong demand for using of psychologists and

educational consultants to plan a appropriate program.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were not able to achieve the task. You are supposed to pinpoint the causes and to suggest your solutions.

However, you mentioned only the causes but not the solutions.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is weak and you need to put more effort into improving it. There were many words/phrases you

used incorrectly.


Paragraphs are poorly organised.



PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ "effective point" is not what you meant. Effective is to be successful in producing a desired or intended

result.

+ Student behaviour is the main problem not "Complaining about students' reactions". It's wrong to write

"Complaining about students' reactions in school environment becomes ...".

+ "Behavior" is different from "reactions". "Reaction" is how you respond to an event.

+ Plural: "the steady growth of these trend" -> "the steady growth of these trends".

+ Wrong "a significant effects": you used "a" but "effects" is in plural form.

+ "inadequate space" -> "insufficient space". Try to understand the difference between them. It can somhow

improve your level of English. Otherwise, you can post a question below.

+ You shouldn't use "so on" in your essay. The sentence you used it already meant there were more things like

that.

+ "young and fresh" -> it sounds like "fresh meat" ???

+ "Since students are young": when you use "since", there must be 2 clauses.


28/30

+ "modify" is not a correct word to use in that context.

+ "The other effective point": did you mention it before?

+ "experted"??? It's not a correct word.

Ful l time university students spend most of the time studying. They shoul d be doing other activities too. To

what extent do you agree or disagree?

In todays world, a majority of prospective full-time university students are spending most of their time

studying. Having said that, I completely agree they need to spend time doing other activities. This will be

proven by looking at how physical wellbeing and family life are important along with education.

For one, students need to spend time on physical activities. Let us take Shanghai as an example. Students in

Shanghai are well known for their higher education. This is demonstrated by the economic contribution from

them to their countrys benefit. The drawback here is that these students are becoming obese by spending

most of their time studying, and not doing any sports. Thus, as can be clearly seen from my example there is a

need of physical exercises as well.

In addition, students need to concentrate on family relations. For instance, in America, students often traverse

longer distances and live at student residences in order to commit to full-time studies. This leads to damages

in their family relations. Living with family allows them to have a sense of empathy and makes them become

responsible. This makes it clear why students need to indulge in other activities as well as in education.

In conclusion, after looking at how important physical health and relations are in students lives; it has now

been proven that students need to spend time on other activities as well. Doing that gives them better health

and strengthens their relationship to their families.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by showing whether you agree or disagree with the topic.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is acceptable but can be improved. There were many phrases you used incorrectly.





PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ "majority of the prospective full-time university students" -> "a majority of prospective full-time university

students".

> You should have used "a" here and it's still considered as plural.


29/30

> "the" is used only when you have previously mentioned something.

+ "As such" was wrongly used and not a formal word to be used in academic writing topics.

+ "Shown" should be replaced with "proven".

+ "how physical wellbeing and family life is" -> "how physical wellbeing and family life are".

+ Wrong usage for "to illustrate". We usually use "to illustrate + something"

+ You should stick to "students" not using both "students" and "pupils".

+ "make them a responsible person" -> "make them responsible people"

+ You are exaggerating here: "It is predicted that this continues to be followed into the foreseeable future. "

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of

the society in whi ch they are sold. To what extent you agree or disagree?

Today, it is a world of consumerism. Advertisements have always played a key role to boost up the sales of

popular consumer products. However, innovative and attractive advertisements on mass-media often happen

to entice people to buy unnecessary and lavish products which can leave a bad impact on peoples economic

life.

To draw an example of how advertising influences peoples way of thinking one may look at advertisements

made by manufacturers of lavish cars. These cars are very expensive to buy and cannot be afforded by most

people in the society; nevertheless, they are still sold well due to attractive advertisements on radio and

television which often involve the voice or appearance of famous movie stars. This kind of practice is also

true for other consumer products such as LCD TV, soaps, mobile phones. As a result, people fail to

accumulate any savings from their earnings as they simply spend too much on buying consumer goods. The

high rate of consumptions may enlarge the distance between the rich and the poor of a society which may

cause detriment for the overall economy in the long run.

From the above analysis, even though the consumer goods manufacturers have rights to advertise their

products , there should be rules and regulations enacted by the government so that no one can mindlessly

influence general people to buy unnecessary consumer products.

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by showing your own opinions and to what extent you agree and disagree.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is not rich enough and sometimes used wrongly.





30/30


PERSONAL ADVICE:

+ "unnecessary lavish products" -> "unnecessary and lavish products"

+ Verb: "how advertising influence peoples way of thinking" -> "how advertising influences peoples way of

thinking"

+ Firstly, you shouldn't use contraction. Secondly, you should be cautious with the way you are using "the":"the ads made by the manufacturers" -> which ads? which manufacturers?

+ You should use comma when you use "As" at the beginning. For example: As it was raining heavily, we

couldn't go to school.

+ You should re-consider how to use "nevertheless". It's used to link 2 clauses and used when showing

surprising details. For example:

Tom has been living in China for 10 years; nevertheless, he couldn't speak any Chinese.

> In the example, you can see "nevertheless" is used in the 2nd clause where we were showing surprisingdetails.

> Having explained that, I also want to recommend you that you shouldn't use "anyway" where you have

already used "nevertheless".

+ Try not to use "so on". It's not considered formal in writing. When you use "such as", other recipients know

there are more things.

+ "expend" was incorrect in the context you were using it.

+ Punctuation:

> "As a result" -> "As a result,"

+ "detrimental" is adjective. You can't use like that. You should have used "detriment".

+ You should clearly state your side whether you agree or disagree. We can see that you agree with the

statement "the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of

the society in which they are sold". However, it was not clearly stated in your essay.

+ "Analysing the above discussion" is not a right way to express your idea -> "From the above analysis".

+ From our experience, you'd better organise your essay in such a way that there should be 1 introduction, 3

body paragraphs, and 1 conclusion.

society essay

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