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L: Michael. Michael. Michael you’re crushing my spleen. Get off me. I can’t

feel my abdomen.

M: Eurghh. What’s going on?

L: Finally I can actually see what it’s like to breathe air for a change. How

much do you weigh?

M: Enough to pass the medical every month.

L: There’s an imprint of your face on my stomach.

M: (Investigates) Doesn’t look like me. Looks like someone else. He isn’t

handsome enough.

L: Well I’m glad you’re finally up on the night-watch as now it can be called

our night watch and not just my night watch.

M: You sound like you’re in a mood

L: A mood? Why do you think that is? Could it due to the fact that if you were

found as you were I would have been court marshalled?

M: Erm. No?

(L angrily stares at M)

M: Oh wait yes. No yes. Yes was my first answer. In my head I wanted to say

yes. Or was it no? Did I say no first? What was the question again?

L: (In a stressful manner) It wasn’t an actual question. You just interpreted itas one.

M: Yeah. (Laughs) That sounds a lot like me.

L: How did you get into the army?

M: They left the backdoor open.

L: Very funny

M: No I’m serious. They left the cargo door open so I just walked on.

L: You didn’t have any idea where you were going?

M: Nope

L: And that didn’t faze you at all?

M: Didn’t really have time to. Fell asleep after twenty minutes. Woke up with

someone telling me I had to do a parachute jump. Seemed like something

to do, without a telly n’ all.

L: ...I’m just in awe. All my years training and you just do it on some empty

whim. I mean I got nervous the time I was caught abusing the pick and

mix system at Woolworths.

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M: I’m allergic to pick and mix so I don’t know what that’s like.

L: I don’t like talking about it

M: Why not?

L: It’s too soon

M: You brought it up

L: Hey. Dyou know what sounds like fun. Sitting in silence for the next four

hours.

M: (Thinks) Sounds a bit shit if you ask me.

I was right. This is shit. This is shitter then your pick and mix story. Why

don’t we play a game?

L: Like what

M: I spy

L: You can’t play I spy with any self respect once you’ve grown pubes.

M: Okay I’ll go first then. I spy with my little little eye something beginning

with C

L: Is it...

M: Cataracts. Okay I spy.

L: Woah wait. Hang on. I didn’t say anything.

M: You looked like you’d given up.

L: How could I? I barely opened my mouth

M: It was in the eyes

L: As hell it was. Anyway it’s my go.

M: No you didn’t get it right so I go again.

L: Like hell you do. Why am I caring? Fine. You go again. Hurry up.

M: I spy with my little eye something beginning with...hmm...I can’t really see

anything. Something cloudy’s in the way. Can hardly see my cataracts in

all this fog. Let’s try something else that doesn’t rely on vision.

L: Are you suggesting we play marco and polo?

M: No. You are.

L: We can’t play it even if I wanted to. We’re not supposed to leave the

bunker.

M: I was gonna go and take a leak in ten minutes

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L: Just do it in the bottle

M: The bottle I drink out of?

L: You don’t drink out of it after you’ve pissed in it.

M: Still not doing it.

L: You wash it out later on.

M: Still...leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

L: See what you did there.

M: What did I do?

L: (Fades to disappointment) You can’t go outside. If you really need to go

 just piss on the wall behind.

M: But then the people who relieve us of our shift will know that I went for apiss.

L: There’s a good reason for that assumption

M: I just don’t like it when people know when I’ve done it. I’d prefer it if it

were just a mystery to people.

L: Not many people in the world would pay to see you piss. I think this is one

area in your life you need not worry about

M: Also you might look at my nob.

L: That’s retarded. I’ve got my own. Why would I look at yours?

M: Cos you might be...

(L waits with a slightly annoyed look of anticipation on face)

Well you know

L: If I was I would’ve joined the navy. Their uniforms are better.