THIS IS A BLACKCURRANT PRESS PUBLICATION

SOMETIMES I WONDER

Written by Wezlyn ToddEdited by Denise M. Johnson

Copyright 2011

ISBN # 978-0-9840379-0-2

All rights reserved. Published in the United States of America by Blackcurrant Press. All rights reserved. No part ofthis publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means,electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of BlackcurrantPress Company.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author's imagination orused fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Printed in the United States of AmericaOctober 2011

FIRST EDITION

To my beloved mother, MarjoriePhyllis Todd, who taught me to

never give up!

Chapter 1 Sometimes I Wonder............................................................................................................... 5Chapter 2 Journey.................................................................................................................................... 7Chapter 3 The Dolls................................................................................................................................ 9Chapter 4 The Boat................................................................................................................................. 13Chapter 5 Beast of the Street.................................................................................................................. 16Chapter 6 Naughty and Wild................................................................................................................... 18Chapter 7 Bus Station............................................................................................................................. 34Chapter 8 Adoption................................................................................................................................. 40Chapter 9 Crocodile Tears...................................................................................................................... 43Chapter 10 Immaculate Conception......................................................................................................... 61Chapter 11 Good Luck.............................................................................................................................. 63Chapter 12 Image and Likeness............................................................................................................... 68Chapter 13 The Arrival.............................................................................................................................. 71Chapter 14 Total Rejection........................................................................................................................ 73Chapter 15 Exotic Orchids........................................................................................................................ 77Chapter 16 Are You Married?................................................................................................................... 79Chapter 17 Dangling Keys........................................................................................................................ 82Chapter 18 The Visitor.............................................................................................................................. 84Chapter 19 Face the Demon.................................................................................................................... 86Chapter 20 Pay Back................................................................................................................................ 89Chapter 20 Doomsday.............................................................................................................................. 94Chapter 21 Daytime Bandits..................................................................................................................... 101Chapter 22 Blast from the Past................................................................................................................ 109Chapter 23 Immigration Appointment....................................................................................................... 119Chapter 24 Corporate America................................................................................................................. 122Chapter 25 Disappointed Mama............................................................................................................... 129Chapter 26 Out of the Mouth of Babes..................................................................................................... 132Chapter 27 A Slip of the Tongue............................................................................................................... 135Chapter 28 Dilapidated Basement............................................................................................................ 138Chapter 29 At Last.................................................................................................................................... 141Chapter 30 Natty Locks............................................................................................................................ 148Chapter 31 Pinky Toe............................................................................................................................... 150Chapter 32 Survival of the Fittest............................................................................................................. 154Chapter 33 Lovers Fight........................................................................................................................... 162Chapter 34 Angel in the Midst.................................................................................................................. 165Chapter 35 Don’t Believe My Eyes........................................................................................................... 168Chapter 36 Confirmation.......................................................................................................................... 171Chapter 37 Truth Hurts............................................................................................................................. 173Chapter 38 Waking the Dead.................................................................................................................... 175Chapter 39 Good News............................................................................................................................ 178Chapter 40 Phone Call............................................................................................................................. 182Chapter 41 River of Tears......................................................................................................................... 185Chapter 42 Time Slips Away..................................................................................................................... 188Chapter 43 Tribute to Ancestors............................................................................................................... 191Chapter 44 Yellow Cab............................................................................................................................. 193Chapter 45 Man of the Cloth.................................................................................................................... 196Chapter 46 Voodoo Woman..................................................................................................................... 198Chapter 47 Freedom................................................................................................................................ 201Chapter 48 The Lover............................................................................................................................... 204Chapter 49 Strange Mind......................................................................................................................... 223Chapter 50 On the Run............................................................................................................................ 227Chapter 51 Jealous Rage......................................................................................................................... 231Chapter 52 Ghosts Invasion..................................................................................................................... 236Chapter 53 Kitty Cat................................................................................................................................. 242Chapter 54 Pain Killers............................................................................................................................. 247Chapter 55 Miracle................................................................................................................................... 248Chapter 56 Silent Killer............................................................................................................................. 249Chapter 57 Witchcraft............................................................................................................................... 255Chapter 58 Cutbacks................................................................................................................................ 257Chapter 59 The Baby Sitter...................................................................................................................... 263Chapter 60 The Cake............................................................................................................................... 270Chapter 61 Happy Farewell...................................................................................................................... 274Chapter 62 The Brat................................................................................................................................. 276Chapter 63 Hot Potato.............................................................................................................................. 289Chapter 64 Must Have It........................................................................................................................... 300Chapter 65 Vertigo.................................................................................................................................... 303Chapter 66 The Drunkard......................................................................................................................... 307Chapter 67 Love is in the Air..................................................................................................................... 321Chapter 68 Diva........................................................................................................................................ 327Chapter 69 Yellow Porsche...................................................................................................................... 340Chapter 70 No Proposal........................................................................................................................... 345Chapter 71 Transformation....................................................................................................................... 350Chapter 72 Papa Ubu............................................................................................................................... 354Chapter 73 Dancing Goddess.................................................................................................................. 360Chapter 74 The Conclusion...................................................................................................................... 368

TABLE OF CONTENTS

SO M E T I M E S I WO N D E RWritten by Wezlyn Todd

‘SOMETIMES I WONDER’

Iwake up embracing every dawn with a smile by giving thanks andpraise, looking forward to the mystery the day holds for my journey!It gives me great pleasure in thanking the Creator for my life and for

the precious gift of my son, Johnathan, who has brought added joy to my life. Ithank you Johnathan for believing in me and for being you!

I take great pride in honoring myAfrican ancestors because without them,it would not have been possible for me to be on this journey. Everyone who cameinto my life was for a specific reason and they all played a part in me being whereI am today. I look forward to meeting many, many others along the way who areassigned to me on my earthly journey.

As a little girl growing up on the island of Trinidad in a little town calledTunapuna, I would open the back door of the house and my sister and I would gooutside and play in the yard. On every given Saturday, it was the norm for ourmother to be busy doing her laundry and hanging out the clothes on the line,using the wooden clothes clips to prevent the clothes from falling off the line. Asa child, I was amazed to see the effects of the wind blowing on the clothes, dryingthem so quickly with the fresh aroma in the air. My mother would be seen runningback and forth, checking on the food she had cooking and making sure it didn’tburn. She was an ace in multitasking and was very organized. One Saturday afterI was done playing with my sister, Shelley, I sat on my grandmother’s old wroughtiron rocking chair that had the two oldest comfortable cushions you could everfind, and the chair made the squeakiest noise. On that particular Saturday mymother saw that I was tired, more than usual, and asked me if I wanted to goinside and take a nap. I told her that I was feeling well. You see, that Friday whenmy sister and I came home from school, my mother gave us a herbal tea to cleanseour colon. We were up for most of the night running to the bathroom. Anyway, Itold my mother that I was just tired from not getting enough sleep. Daddy wascleaning up the yard and he opened one of the coconuts that was laying under thecoconut tree for me and told me that it would give me energy. After opening thecoconut, he poured it into my favorite plastic cup and he left to go and look afterhis fifteen pedigree birds that he kept as pets.

I sat there on the chair enjoying the birds singing and serenading theirCreator. They were very happy, because they knew they would be fed. I was

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relaxed and had my eyes shut for a few minutes. I felt my eye lids becomingheavy but I was not falling asleep as such. I was at a good place and began to havea conversation within myself. The questions were coming to me at a fast pace. Iasked myself, who am I and why was I created? Why was I born? What was mypurpose on this planet?Was I going to have an easy life? Why am I here? I openedmy eyes and looked up at the sky and I wondered if there were lives beyond thesky. When I die, would that be the end of my life? Our dog had just died a fewweeks ago. Her name was Sugar and we buried her in the back yard. I looked atthe spot Sugar was buried in and wondered to myself if that was the end of Sugar,since she didn’t have a spirit or a soul. I somehow felt that there was a duplicateof me living beyond the sky or on some other planet; and if that was so, I believedin my little girl’s mind that my duplicate was very perfect and angelic in form.My curiosity instantly piqued when I wondered what the future had planned forme. A loud noise soon interrupted my day-dreaming. The strident bell soundingfrom the corner church was the funeral of an old man who lived in the village. Itwas his time to leave after ninety-nine years on Earth. His soul departed the worldwe inhabit everyday and transpired to a new place.

I stood up from the chair and my mother told me that I looked scared, butI was actually very happy. I reassured her that I was feeling really good. Afterday-dreaming on that Saturday, I began to pay particular attention to each daywhile looking forward to enfold great expectation. I desired to live the life of aprincess and expected all the perks coupled with such royalty. I thought in mymind that a princess would not have a problem in the world and that her lifewould be smooth sailing.

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‘JOURNEY’

My grandmother was a great storyteller. She loved telling us abouther ancestors and their history. The tears flowed from her eyesand with sadness in her heart. Granny’s voice would tremble

when she related the slaves’ experiences. She would pass down these stories tous as her grandparents did. “My dears, Shelley and Lynn, would you believe thatsome of those slaves were kings and queens?” Granny said. “Don’t believe all thelies you read in the history books. The slaves’ journey was the worse thing thatcould have happened to mankind.” Granny described to us how the slaves werecramped together on ships like packed sardines when they journeyed through themiddle passage from Africa. “An animal was better off than a slave,” she cried.Granny’s story had an enormous impact on me. The tears in her eyes only mademe weep. “Don’t cry! The slaves are in Heaven now. They are free from theirdaily torture and pain,” she reassured me. “They made the way for you to befree.” “Well don’t cry either,” I said, as she nodded her head in agreement. Thatdid not pacify me at all, because I felt a connection with them, since their bloodflowed through my veins. My African ancestors were robbed from theopportunity to live through their dreams nor see any of their visions come to pass.I promised myself that I was going to make them proud of me. I tried my best notto let them down in anyway and hoped to fulfill at least one of my ancestors’dreams that they had sowed in their hearts and minds for themselves before Ileave this earthly realm.

Every human being has a unique journey and no two people’s lives are thesame. We have different ambitions and walk down different pathways withsingular destinies. We are all here to learn from each other and hopefully learn ourlessons before leaving this Earth. I believe we are all here to fulfill an assignmentappointed by God. Some of us never had the opportunity to make our wrongsright, mainly because of our untimely passing or by the choices we have made inour lives. I sometimes wonder if some of us die before our time or if ourassignment ended abruptly. I thought that we would all live to be 120 years oldand die peacefully in our sleep. I realized that no one was spared from pain ordeath. It was equal for the rich and the poor. We have a tendency to put the blameon others for our failures in life. We do not accept our wrongdoings and love topoint a finger at everyone else except ourselves. We take life for granted,forgetting that tomorrow is not promised to us. I was rudely awakened after

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acknowledging we can be taken from this world at any moment.

Growing up in the beautiful island of Trinidad in the Caribbean was aphenomenal experience for me! I love my country with all of my heart. Trinidadis a euphoric paradise! We have the best weather in the world. As a little girl, Ienjoyed looking up in the big blue sky. The admirable majestic heaven was oftendecorated with scattered puffy white clouds. Everyday I made a wish upon thebaby blue paradise soaring above me. Occasionally, I would see a rainbowhugging a small portion of the sky. The rainbow lined the sky like a hugetheatrical stage in the heavens. At night, the stars showed off their beauty bytwinkling and pitching. What amazed me was noticing that no two stars werealike, just as we humans are not alike, but are all beautiful creations of God.

In Trinidad, we have a culture beyond cultures. My African ancestors lefttheir surviving relatives with numerous traditions to carry on and honor. Weinherited an enthusiastic rhythm in our souls and many other rich wonderfulattributes that are too numerous to mention. According to the better part of thepopulation, the rhythm of music resides in our genes. Let’s face it, we can dance.A young child in a crib to the oldest man in his rocking chair possess that specialrhythm that permeates our culture. This rhythm is especially seen duringTrinidad’s Carnival Festival. This jovial event takes place annually before Lent.During the carnival season, anyone can hear the ever-sweet pulsating beat of thesteel pan men in various pan yards playing the steel pan. The steel pan is madefrom the oil drum—-Trinidad’s national instrument. Everyone enjoys the soundechoing throughout the village. Men and women sing calypsos in various tentsbuilt during that season. The Calypsonians energetic beats make the audiencedance. Seated spectators gyrate their hips in their chairs. Trinidad’s CarnivalFestival brings thousands of people from every facet of the world to experiencethe fun. Tourists line the streets with great anticipation to experience the grandcelebration. Tourists enjoy the parading bands and the masqueraders as they goon the town in the midst of beautiful sunshine. Party-goers are drinking and beingmerry for two impressive days. Parade enthusiasts ranging in all shapes and sizesflaunt their costumes, along with their half naked bodies. The tourists enjoy everyminute of it. This celebration takes place every Monday and Tuesday before AshWednesday. As soon as the clock strikes twelve at midnight on Tuesday, the musicstops and everyone goes home. Carnival patrons leave sad and tired, but cannotwait until the party resumes next year.

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‘THE DOLLS’

Iam blessed to have wonderful parents. Therefore, I had a wonderfulchildhood. My parents were disciplinarians but they disciplined uslovingly and did everything in moderation. My mother was mostly the

disciplinarian whilst my father was more a laid back gentleman. I have one oldersister named Shelley. My mother only had two children because she wanted usto live comfortable lives and not struggle as she did when she was a little girlbecause she lived in poverty. For the record, when my mother had my sister, shedid not plan for any more children because of the excruciating labor pains sheendured. A few months had passed and to her surprise, she learned she wascarrying another child. I thanked God she had put aside her fears and brought mehere to experience this wonderful and adventurous life. Obviously, she had achoice to have me or not, but I am happy for the choice she made. I am veryhappy to be in this world.

My sister and I were both born in the house with a midwife present toassist my mother during her delivery. My sister and I have very similar featuresand people thought we were twins. My mother dressed us in comparable clothingbut people knew the difference because of our hair textures. My mother designeddresses for us from the same fabric. As little girls, we loved Christmas becausethere was such a different energy in the atmosphere. My mother was obsessedabout Christmas and made new curtains and cushion covers every year. The chairswere polished and the floors were freshly vanished and shining. The floors wereso glossy, it was like looking into a mirror. My sister and I loved sliding acrossthe shiny, glossy floor. Every year on Christmas Eve my father painted the frontand back stairs in a vibrant shade of red. Everything was new and refurbishedfor Christmas. My mother kept busy in the kitchen baking and cooking all day andnight preparing for the special occasion. Daddy blew up different colored balloonsand hung them on the curtain rods on the middle of the front door. It was such agreat time of the year and they energy was utterly alive. People in theneighborhood were very busy with people walking up and down the streets,coming from shopping with so many bags in their hands and in their shoppingcarts. The poor people managed to find the means to buy gifts for their childrenand loved ones.

Shelley and I looked forward to Christmas morning to see what goodiesSanta Claus left us under the Christmas tree. I remembered opening my gift andreceiving a Caucasian doll with long blonde hair. She had bangs covering her sky

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blue eyes with long eyelashes like a camel. My sister and I got the exact doll, butthe only difference in the dolls were their eyes. My sister’s doll’s eyes were green.My father bought two different colored eye dolls so that we wouldn’t get themmixed up. We were happy with our dolls and I used to comb and brush my doll’shair every chance I got. As the days went by, somehow we weren’t too happywith our dolls’ hair anymore, because we had to pull and tug at it just to comb it.My sister and I played with the dolls for a very, very short period of time, andafter two weeks, we did not play with them anymore. We did not have aconnection with the dolls and soon grew bored. I ended up pulling out my doll’shands and feet from her body, because I couldn’t braid her hair and it kepttangling which caused my tiny fingers to be bruised. As a result, my parents neverbought us any more dolls after seeing what Shelley and I had done to them.

My sister and I got along extremely well and never had a physical fightthroughout our years. My mother instilled the concept in us that we were to livevery lovingly, because we are sisters and we both came from the same womb. Shetold us that all we have is each other and we must stick together no matter what.I used to be jealous of my sister, in a nice way, because she had very long,beautiful and soft hair; unlike my hair, which was thick, coarse and shoulderlength. My grandmother said Shelley’s hair reminded her of a mermaid, becauseit was long and silky. I believed that mermaids really existed when I was a child.I was brainwashed into thinking that long soft hair was better than coarse Negroidhair. Having a lighter skin tone was another issue back in that era. My sister wasa tad bit darker than myself and she mentioned it to me in fun. I would tell her Iwish I had her long soft silky hair and she would respond by saying she wishedshe had my complexion. We would giggle with each other after the remarks. Ourcomments were all said in good humor.

My mother experienced poverty as a child growing up. She vowed thather children will never suffer the way she had. She refused to experience povertyagain. Her parents were married and her dad abandoned the home when she hadjust turned two years old. My grandfather enjoyed his alcohol and was awomanizer. My grandmother worked extremely hard to take care of her threechildren. She never remarried and did the best to raise her children on her own.She did not ask anyone for help and did whatever it took to feed her family. Mymother is a very spiritual lady and prays daily. My father was employed with theGovernment and worked long hard hours on the job. My father was a train driver.I must say, he was the best train driver in the whole wide world. My mother wasa homemaker and she would try her hand at many things just to make ends meet.She became a “Jack of all trades”. I remember there being a school nearby, andmy mother used to cook and sell food to the children and teachers on a dailybasis. On very hot days, she would prepare her organic fruit drinks and would sellit outside of the house. She also found time, despite her busy schedule, to take a

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sewing course. It wasn’t long before she began getting customers as the word gotaround the neighborhood that she was a seam mistress. My mother was a quicklearner, although she did not have a high school education. My mother wasnaturally intelligent, because everything she got involved in turned out successful.I consider her a genius who applied wisdom.

My mother had amazing confidence. Anything she put her mind to do,she was going to do well. Styling hair was also her past-time. Women traveledfrom all over the island to have their hair styled by my mother… In those days,the hot comb was used to make the hair straight. My mother would hot combwomen’s hair in her kitchen. The ladies would leave the kitchen with the mostbeautiful hair styles. Her flair for hair brought repeated customers to her salon inthe kitchen. She would often remind my sister and I that poverty is a sin. She dideverything possible for us to live a comfortable life. Living in poverty as a childhad a serious effect on her, and that experience has made her the person she hasbecome today. She learned from her endurance as a child and made somethinggood out of it as an adult. My mother created her own destiny, which was to helpherself be the best she can be. One thing that stood out was her great self-confidence, and she believed in making an effort instead of not trying at all. Sheinstilled in us that hard honest work always paid off.

After working very hard over the years, she saved a descent amount ofmoney. She purchased a second hand grand piano from a well known musicianwho lived in the city of Port of Spain. She wanted my sister and I to learn to playthe piano, because she wanted us to become independent adults and havesomething to fall back on in case we couldn’t find a job. My mother paid for usto go to music school. The music teacher was a distant relative so she did notcharge us the full price; my mother was extremely grateful for that gesture.

The piano was not one of my favorite instruments, but I had to go alongand do what I was told. My sister and I were very obedient to our parents. Mymother always loved the finer things in life and she told us that although she grewup poor, she always felt like royalty within herself; Shelley and I would laughwhenever she said that to us. What an ambitious and beautiful woman! My fatherwas a quiet man and not fussy at all. He was a gentleman and a very good dadwho loved his children dearly. He possessed a cool temperament and I loved thatabout him. He did his job, all the while, avoiding confrontations. One great thingabout my father is that he had perfect feet and his toes were always wellpedicured. As a result of that, any man that came into my life, had to have wellpedicured feet, or it would be very difficult for me to be in their company. Myfather was not one to raise his voice and quarrel like some other fathers. Althoughmy mother was the disciplinarian, my sister and I had a little fear, because whenwe did not bring home a good school report my mother would say to us, wait

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until your daddy comes home. When daddy arrived home, my mother ushered thereport to him immediately. He’d sit on a chair and carefully examine our reports.When he was done, he called us, chastised us and told us in a strict tone to domuch better next time. What I admired most about him was that he took great careof his ailing mother for many years until her dying day. He went to the city whereshe lived to visit her and spend time with her. A day never went by without goingto visit his mother. He was a very devoted son. His mother had him out ofwedlock and it was a struggle in those days because he was considered anillegitimate child. His father’s ‘justifiable’ children deemed him an outcast. Thosejudgments did not affect him as he grew into a decent man who took care of hisfamily. My daddy went to be with the Lord at age 80 and I want him to know thatI love him very much and was happy that he was my daddy.

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About the Author

Wezlyn Todd is a world traveler with extensive experience in all thingspractical, and spiritual. Wezlyn brings her unique perspective on life toeveryone and everything she encounters. She was born in Trinidad andTobago and lives in New York and has one child, Daniel.