Spiritual Low Self-Esteem and the Courage to Change

In Fear, Esteem, and The Audacity of Hope, my innermost questions started to boil up what had been on my heart for some time--correction, what is frequently (and seems like always) on my mind. My shortcomings let me know it’s not on my mind enough. I’d asked in regard to success, How are you serving others? Can you strive to do more than you are? Can you envision doing more than you are? Are you afraid to do more than you are? From a purely spiritual standpoint, how would you answer?

Sit with that for a minute.

Like secular concerns, fear, goal setting, mentoring, and associations affect what you envision for yourself spiritually and what you believe you can accomplish spiritually. Trust, I’m trying to go into this without going all the way into this. I’ll save that for a private discussion so feel free to Tweet me @jasminepowers or email me at jasmine@jasminepowers.com. Anyhoo, in all that has been developing in my life, it hit me that I must suffer from spiritual low self-esteem too.

Sounds odd but follow me on this. I’m a student of the Bible. I believe the Bible is the word of God and that everything that it says is true, but there’s this little nagging part of me that says, “But I’ll never live up to what God requires,” “This is too hard,””This is for those other, super holy, more spiritual, nearly perfect people,””I could never do that.” Okay, hold that.

How many of you think or have heard someone say either about spirituality, or morality, or fighting some vice, “This is too hard”? I mean, have you heard that about any stand that needs to be made, but especially one that requires one to stop a harmful course and pursue a better one?

In trying to organize my thoughts, channel them here, and research things I’ve written before regarding feelings like these, I stumbled on these two quotes, written in two separate poems, written on the same day, August 29, 2007, ironically four years ago to the day.

I’m locked behind the bars of my moral restraint

I see that my heart is dividedI just fear how much doing an open heart surgery would hurtWill I bleed to death when removingThis worlds malignant tumor from my soul?

This obviously was a big concern that day. These quotes beg an answer for, How many of us feel so weighed down by our humanness and failings that we 1. Give up and do whatever we want because its easier, 2. Dismiss that there is a God/gods at all because its easier. 3. Try but get disheartened from time to time and feel like giving up, 4. Don’t even think about it? I'm sure there are other categories, but with all of these, I’m just curious to know how many are influenced by feelings of low self-esteem or by extension, low spiritual self-esteem.

Like the people of Jesus day who were regarded as ‘people of the dust’ and looked down on, if we were looked down on, or treated badly within our homes or communities, think of how adversely that can affect ones self-worth, even as it relates to spirituality. If a young boy or girl in the South side of Chicago living in deplorable conditions with their elderly, disabled grandmother and with cousins and an Uncle who sell drugs and occasionally physically or otherwise abuse them, and who goes to school with underpaid, overworked, and under-appreciated teachers

who care but can’t give them extra time and attention because of overcrowded classrooms, and who has limited exposure to love, coddling, and positive attention, how do you think their secular goals and outlook will be affected? Do you think their spiritual goals or outlook could be affected similarly?

I am not trying to start a campaign for teaching poor, underprivileged children the word because spiritual education of all sorts is taking place worldwide. What I’m wondering really is how psychological issues, poor self assessment, or lack of ability to visualize more or better for oneself, can hinder a person from reaching out, aspiring, and attaining to a more spiritually and morally disciplined lifestyle.

This brings me back to Brother Jesse and a piece he wrote explaining Ramadan and how Muslims refrain from eating, drinking, sexual intimacies and other things from sunrise to sunset during this period. He also noted that many Christians observe Ramadan and take on the reading of the Qu'ran. On the other hand, we know many others watch respectfully and say, "Oh, that's admirable but I could never do that." Model and actress Joy Bryant wrote an article on Essence.com about Jehovah's Witnesses and their preaching work and made a similar statement. There are endless examples of excellence, discipline, and devotion the world over. However, it seems that the majority of mankind would'nt attempt trying to attain to such excellence, discipline, and devotion. Why?

I may never know but I wonder how much of peoples lack of spiritual ambition stems from not feeling like spiritual excellence, discipline, and devotion is personally attainable. I wish there was a study or statistic or something that would answer that, but I will focus on my own reasons for not stepping up and becoming the person that I really, really want to be. Can I change? With courage, belief, discipline, self-determination and a whole bunch of prayer and holy spirit, yes, I'm sure. I can do that.

Jasmine Powers