standi joke booklet

8/14/2019 standi joke booklet

1/62

The Jokes booklet was compiled by Stan and Tandi Manzini togetherknown as STANDI. They facilitate personal development workshops,Changeprocess management and they also run marriage seminars throughoutthe continent.They have released two musical cds entitledMIHLOLO and HE TOUCHED ME .Look out for their latest DVD titledThings men do that irritate women, Thingswomen do that irritate men

Copyright reserved.Published by STANDI Publishing SA

[email protected] (T) 2711 524 0289 (F) 086 612 5399

Laughter reduces the level of stress hormones thus enhancing a

more robust immune system so why not laugh?

ISBN 978 0 620 39943 - 2


2/62

2

AHI HLEKENILets Laugh

BEST COLLECTION OF SA JOKES BY STANDIWWW.STANDI.CO.ZA


3/62

3

LIST OFCONTENTS

1. TEN REASONS W HY LAUGHTER IS GOOD

2. BEST SA FAMILY JOKES COLLECTION

3. STANDIS WORDS OF WISDOM

4. TESTIMONY WORTH READING


4/62

4

TEN REASONS WHY LAUGHTER ISGOOD1. It costs nothing and offers great benefits.2.Reduces the level of stress hormones thusenhancing a more robust immune system.3.Provides a good workout for the heart.4.Provides physical and emotional release.5.Shifts the focus away from anger, guilt, stressand negative emotions.6.Helps us view events as 'challenges', therebymaking them less threatening and more positive.7.According to The Dental Health Foundation, itgives the same level of stimulation as eating2,000 chocolate bars.8.It is contagious and brightens the faces of thosearound you.9.A good belly laugh exercises the diaphragm,contracts the ABS(abdominal exercise) and evenworks out the shoulders, leaving muscles more

relaxed afterwards.10. It is good for the soul


5/62


6/62

6

2. Defense Lawyer

A lawyer defending a man accused ofburglary tried a creative defense to get his

client off the hook. "Myclient," he told thejudge, "merely inserted his arm into thewindow and removed a few paltry items.

His arm is not himself, so I fail to see howyou can punish the whole individual for anoffense committed solely by his arm."

"Well put," the judge replied with a grin."Using that same logic, I sentence thedefendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.

Your client can accompany the arm or not,as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's help,he detached his artificial limb, laid it on thebench, and walked out.


7/62


8/62

8

4. Crying HusbandA woman woke in the middle of the night tofind her husband missing from their bed. Inthe stillness of the house, she could hear a

muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around,finally finding her husband in the basement,crouched in the corner, facing the wall, andsobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him."Remember when your father caught usdoing it when you were 16?" he replied. "Andremember he said I had two choices: I couldeither marry you, or spend the next 20 yearsin prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, sowhat?"

"I would have been released today."


9/62

9

5. SCARED

FATHER

The father of five children had won atoy at a raffle. He called his kidstogether to ask which one shouldhave the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" heasked. "Who never talks back tomother? Who does everything shesays?"

Five small voices answered inunison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."


10/62

10

6. Alligator PoolOnce there was a millionaire who collected livealligators.He kept them in the pool at the back ofhis mansion. The millionaire also had a beautifulsingle daughter. So one day he decides to throw ahuge party, and during the party he announces:

"My dear guests, I have a proposition to every manhere. I will give one million dollars or my daughterto the man that can swim across this pool full ofalligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word there was thesound of a large SPLASH! One guy was in thepool, swimming as fast as he could, and the crowdwas cheering him on. Finally he made it to the

other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said "Myboy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn'tthink it could be done! Well I must keep myend of the bargain, so which do you want:my daughter or the one million dollars?

The guy says "Listen I don't want yourmoney! And I don't want your daughter! Ijust want the jerk who pushed me intothat pool!


11/62

11

7. FAITH

One summer, a drought threatened the cropin a small town. On a hot and dry Sunday,

the village parson told his congregation,"There isn't anything that will save us exceptto pray for rain.

Go home, pray, believe, and come back nextSunday ready to thank God for sending rain."

The people did as they were told andreturned to church the following Sunday. Butas soon as the parson saw them, he wasfurious.

"We can't worship today. You do not yetbelieve," he said.

"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we dobelieve."

"Believe?" he responded. "Then where areyour umbrellas?"


12/62

12

8. PASSWORD

A guy was typing away at his homecomputer, when his six-year-olddaughter sneaked up behind him.

Suddenly, she turned and ran into the

kitchen, squealing to the rest ofthe family, "I know Daddy's password! Iknow Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk,asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"


13/62

13

9. The BearTwo campers are awakened by thesounds of an obviously large bear

outside their tent, looking for food attheir campsite.

Immediately, Chris pulls a pair ofrunning shoes out of his backpackand quickly puts them on.

Incredulous, his friend Michael says,"There's no way you can outrun thatbear."

Chris replies, "I don't have to outrun

the bear. I only have to outrun you!!


14/62

14

11. JohnJohn was a clerk in a small drugstore but he wasnot much of a salesman. He could never find theitem the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, hadhad about enough and warned John that the nextsale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he askJohn for their best cough syrup. Try as he mightJohn could not find the cough syrup. RemberingBob's warning he sold the man a box of laxativesand told him to take it all at once. The customer

did as John said and then walked outside andleaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over toask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn'tfind the cough syrup. I substituted laxatives and

told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Laxatives won't cure a cough!" Bob shoutedangrily. "Sure it will," John said, pointing at theman leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He'safraid to cough."


15/62

15

12. Husband Vs Wife

A husband, proving to his wife thatwomen talk more than men, showedher a study which indicated that menuse on the average only 15,000words a day, where as women use

30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a whileand then told her husbandthat women use twice as manywords as men because they

have to repeat everything they say.

He said, "What?"


16/62

16

13. "Professor"A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor arewalking through a citypark and they find an antique

oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comesout in a puff of smoke.

The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes,so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I wantto be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a

gorgeous woman who sunbathestopless." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want tobe in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with aprofessional hula dancer on one side anda Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in thelab after lunch."


17/62

17

14. Pretty Obvious

A lady is walking down the street to work and see'sa parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire thebird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you arereally ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the storeto her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot in thewindow and the parrot upon seeing her says, "heylady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day onthe way to work she saw the same parrot andonce again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so furious that she stormed into the storeand threatened to sue the store and have the birdkilled.The store manager apologized profusely andpromised the bird wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work theparrot said to her, "hey lady."

She paused and said," yes?" The bird said, "youknow."


18/62

18

15. Dont mess with pets...

Mrs. Lonefolds dishwasher quit working, so shecalled a repairman. He couldnt accommodate herwith an evening appointment, and since she had to

go to work the next day, she told him: Ill leave thekey under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave thebill on the counter, and Ill mail you the cheque.

By the way, dont worry about my Rottweiler. Hewont bother you. But, whatever you do,not underany circumstances talk to my parrot! When therepairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefolds apartment thenext day, he discovered the biggest and meanest

looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay thereon the carpet, watching the repairman go about hisbusiness. However, the whole time he was there,the parrot drove him nuts with his incessantcursing, yelling, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldnt contain himself anylonger and yelled:

Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!! To which theparrot replied: GET HIM, Brutus!!


19/62

19

16. TWINSMaggie had been married about a year when one

day the she came running up to her husbandjumping for joy.

Not knowing how to react, the husband startedjumping up and down along with her. Why are weso happy? he asked.

She said, Honey, I have some really great newsfor you! Great he said, tell me what youre sohappy about.She stopped breathless from all the

jumping up and down. Im pregnant! she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been tryingfor a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and

started telling her how wonderful it was, and thathe couldnt be happier.

Then she said, Oh, honey theres more. Whatdo you mean more?, he asked.

Well we are not having just one baby, we aregoing to have TWINS!

Amazed at how she could know so soon aftergetting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.Itwas easy, she said, I went to the pharmacy andbought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit andboth tests came out positive!


20/62

20

17. Hospital KidsOne day in the hospital, two little boys were lyingon stretchers next to each other outside of theoperating room. The first boy leans over andasks, What are you in for?

Im here to get my tonsils out and Im nervous,the second boy says.The first kid says, Youve got nothing to worryabout! I had that done when I was four. They putyou to sleep and when you wake up they give

you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. Its a breeze!

Well what are you here for? the second kidasks.

A circumcision. The first kid replies woefully.

The second kid says Wow! I had that done

when I was born and I couldnt walk for ayear!


21/62

21

18. Suspicious MomKarl invited his mother over for dinner. Duringthe meal,his mother eyed his beautifulroommate, suspicious that there was more than

just a roommate situation going on.

Karl saw her staring at Ellen. I know what yourethinking, mom, but Ellen and I are just friends.

A week later, Ellen said, Karl, ever since yourmother came to dinner, I cant find the silversoup ladle. Surely she wouldnt have taken it,would she?

I really dont think so, Karl replied. Ill write her

a letter to ask, though. He got a sheet of paper,sat down, and wrote, Dear Mom, Im not sayingyou took our silver soup ladle, and Im not sayingyou didnt take it.

But our soup ladle has been missing ever sinceyou came to dinner.A few days later, hereceived a reply from his mother.

Dear son, Im not saying that youre sleepingwith Ellen, and Im not saying that youre notsleeping with Ellen. But if she were sleeping inher own bed, she would have foundthe soup ladle by now. Love, Mom.


22/62


23/62

23

an Adonis, that women will flock to." The womanreplied, "That will be okay because I will be themost beautiful woman and he will only have eyesfor me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman inthe world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richestwoman in the world. The frog said,

"That will make your husband the richest man inthe world and he will be ten times richer than you.

" The woman said,"That will be okay because whatis mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, andshe answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Shangaan women are clever.Don't mess with them.


24/62

24

20. "Trouble remembering things..."

An 80 year old couple were having problemsremembering things, so they decided to go to theirdoctor to get checked out to make surenothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explainedto the doctor about the problems they were havingwith their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told themthat they were physically okay but might want tostart writing things down and make notes to helpthem remember things. The couple thanked the

doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got upfrom his chair and his wife asked, "Where are yougoing?" He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you shouldwrite it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."


25/62


26/62

26

21. Quiet Man

A man walks into his doctor's office andputs a note on the table for the doctor toread. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, andinstructed the man to put his thumb onthe table.

The man thinks to himself that his thumbhas nothing to do with his inability totalk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a hammerand hit the man's thumb with it as hardas he could. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

the man yelled.

"Good, good." The doctor said. "Comeback tomorrow and we'll learn B."


27/62

27

22. SECRETARY

One evening after work, a man drove his

secretary home after she had a little toomuch to drink at a party.

She had been very amiable in the car, so hedecided not to mention anything to his wife.

Later that night, the man and his wife weredriving to a movie when he spotted a high-

heeled shoe hidden under the passengerseat.

Pointing to something out the passengerwindow to distract his wife, he picked up theshoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theatre a short time laterand were about to get out of the car when hiswife asked, "Honey, have you seen my othershoe?"


28/62

28

23. "I know the whole truth"

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmatethat most adults are hiding at least one darksecret, and that this makes it very easy to

blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Hegoes home, and as he is greeted by his mother hesays, "I know the whole truth." His mother quicklyhands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell yourfather."

Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to gethome from work, and greets him with, "I know thewhole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 andsays, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, Little Johnny is on his way to schoolthe next day when he sees the mailman at hisfront door. Little Johnny greets him by saying,"I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, openshis arms, and says, "Then

come give your real father a big hug."


29/62

29

24. ColouredsAn aeroplane is flying over the US when the pilotannounces that the plane is losing height and all

the baggage must be thrown out.``We're still losing height, we must throweverything out that is in the cabin.''

Despite more things being thrown out, the planecontinues its descent. Still going down, the pilotsays some of the people must now be thrown outto save the rest.

Pilot: ``To make this fair, passengers will bethrown out in alphabetical order. ``So . . . anyAfricans on board?''

(No one moves)

Pilot: ``Any Blacks on board?'' (No one moves).

Pilot: ``Any Coloureds on board?'' (Still no onemoves) A little coloured boy asks his dad: ``Daddy,what are we?''

Dad: ``Son, on this trip we're Zulus.''


30/62


31/62

31

26. PRAYER 4 women

A prayer for women: Dear Lord, I prayfor wisdom to understand my man,

enough love to forgive him, and patienceover his moods, because Lord, if I prayfor strength, I'll moer him!

27. TAXI DRIVER

A taxi driver knocked an old Zulu lady,then she got up and asked"Awuna Pipi?" the guy blushed and

confirmed that he's got one.>>The old lady asked "Why ungathi PIPI!!! PIPI!!!!. Slima sepipi encane>engazwakali ."


32/62

32

28. SOULBURNER

A Sandton senior citizen drove his brandnew BMW Z4 convertible out of the carsalesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored itto 180 km/h, enjoying the wind blowingthrough what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down theM1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metaleven more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw apolice car behind him, blue lights flashingand siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!"thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to200 km/h, then 220, then 240km/h.


33/62

33

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am Idoing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and

waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officerwalked up to the driver's side of the BMW,looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shiftends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'mtaking off for the weekend.

If you can give me a reason why you werespeeding that I've never heard before, I'll letyou go."

The man, looked very seriously at thepoliceman, and replied,

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman.

I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman


34/62

34

29. CONCERNED SONA father passing by his son's bedroom wasastonished to see the bed was nicely made, and

everything was picked up. Then, he saw anenvelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. Itwas addressed, "Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened theenvelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writingyou. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, becauseI wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and sheis so nice, but I knew you would not approve of herbecause of all her piercings, tattoos, her tightMotorcycle clothes, and because she is so much

older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She'spregnant.Stacy said that we will be very happy.She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stackof firewood for the whole winter.


35/62

35

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact thatmarijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it withthe other people in the commune, for all the

cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find acure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She suredeserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to takecare of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so youcan get to know your many grand children.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted toremind you that there are worse things in life thanthe school report that's on my desk.

I love you!Call when it is safe for me to come home.


36/62

36

30. RESIGNATION LETTER

Dear Piet du Toit (Meneer se voet)

Resignation from my current post

I'm hereby resigning from my current position asthe so called "TraineAccounting" I'm sorry for thespelling mistakes but hobane o tseba haholomaybe you will understand!! Bona,ke kgale ke lemona ena I know everything.I don't want to be aTrained Accounting anymore. Ke fumane greenpasturised, kere makgulo amatala!

Nkabe ke dula femeng mona jwale o qhoma too

much!! I don't want to discuss this resignation with youbecause ke se ke nkile diqeto klaar,but we can talk ifthe salary is over 12 grand a month, esengmatonkomane a ntse le mpatela ona. Eish oandlalela.

Bona,I'm sure you have understand this resignation,Idon't have hore keitlhalose ho wena! Sorry for thespelling mistakes and wrong grammar,I don't have touse the spellcheck because ke a vaya,I don't care!!Don't call me I'll call you.

"Le tlwaela batho hampe".Makuka pokisi


37/62

37

31. Gay PoliceHave you guys seen a gay police arrestingcriminals? Two suspects robbed a woman of hercell phone and wallet.

After the woman pointed the suspects to the gay

police, he ran after them.Gay Police: "Hei lona kekopa le emeng tu, ke batla fela go le botsa please.La itse keng ga kena nako ya go sianisana le lona,ko thuntsha gona jaanong and don't blame me.

Why mara le le sleg so, you acting like animalsyou know."

Bang! Bang! Both guys were shot on the legs "Yousee I told you guys and didn't listen. Gona jaanongbona gore le tswa madi jang eish! Tsayang ditshipitse le ipofe matsogo nna ke tshaba madi a lona.

Don't worry ke tla bitsa ambulance, laitse keng nnaga ke batle go tlhola ke ntse ke matha ka momorago ga ditsotsi. Bonang fela gore ke fufuletswe

jang e bile le make-up ya ka e tswile."

"Choma (nurse) ke kopa le ise bo abuti ba kospetlele nna sentse ke ya gae ko tlhapa, I'll cometo the hospital ke tlo tsaya statement later."


38/62


39/62

39

33. SEM TING

I recently met a Chinese man and wassurprised to find out his name was SiphoMthethwa and I asked:

" How did you ever get a name likeSipho Mthetwa, being a Chinese man?"

"Many, many years ago when come tothis country, was stand in line at HomeAffairs Document Centre.

Man in front was big black man. Lady atcounter look at him and ask, 'What yourname?' He say, 'Sipho Mthethwa'

Then me she look at me and ask, 'Whatyour name?' I say, "Sem Ting."


40/62

40

34. TEN COMMANDMENTS

Moses went to the Zulus and said, "I haveCommandments for you that will make your livesbetter." And the Zulus asked, "What are theCommandments?"And Moses said, "They are

rules for living." "Can you give us an example?""Thou shalt not kill.""Not kill? We're notinterested."

So He went to the Xhosas and said, "I haveCommandments."And the Xhosas wanted anexample, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not lie.""Not lie? We're not interested." So He went to theColoureds and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Coloureds wanted an example, and the Lordsaid, "Thou shalt not steal.""Not steal? We're notinterested."

He went to the Whites and said, "I haveCommandments."The Whites wanted an exampleand the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commitadultery and thou shalt love thy neighbour as you

love thyself""Not commit adultery, love myneighbour? We're not interested"He went to the Indians and said, "I haveCommandments.""Commandments?" They said,"How much are they?""They're free.""WE'LL TAKE ALL."


41/62

41

35. Curtains

Maggie enters a store that sells curtains.She tells the salesman,"I would like to buy a pair ofpink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a largeselection of pink curtains. He shows herseveral patterns, but Maggie seems to be having ahard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.The salesman then asks what size curtains she

needs.

Maggie promptly replies, "fifteen inches.""Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman."That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

Maggie tells him that they aren't for a room, theyare for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss,computers do not need curtains!"

Maggie says, "Hellllooooooooo .. I've gotWindoooooows!"


42/62

42

36. How Professional man propose...

I am very happy to inform you that I have feelingsfor you since Tuesday the 10th of May 2005. Withreference to the meeting held between us on the7th of May 2005 at 15h00 hours, I would like topresent myself as a prospective lover. Our loveaffair would be on probation for a period ofthree months and, depending on compatibility,would then be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there willbe continuous on-the-relationship training andrelationship appraisal schemes leading up

to promotion from Lover to Spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee andentertainment would initially be shared equallybetween us. Later, based on your performance, Imight take up a larger share of the expenses.However I am open-minded enough to be takencare of on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days ofreceiving this letter, failing which, this offer wouldbe cancelled without further notice and I shall beconsidering someone else. I would be happy if youcould forward this letter to your sister, if you do notwish to take up this offer.


43/62

43

37. A Xhosa Dude

This Xhosa dude meets a nice chick e taxi rank.The problem is he does not know how he canapproach the chick.

Now he decides to go to the chick and ask 4igama. Umtwana abe friendly by telling him igamalakhe."Im Cindy"

Then Cindy asks this dude, " wena what is yourname?"

The dude replies "Take a guess it also starts witha C"

Cindy replies : "Cleo" ?

Dude: NO, try againCindy replies: "Coby"

Dude: NO, try again;

Cindy replies: "ok 4 the last time, your name is

Carrot"

Dude replies: "ok will tell u, my name is Sipho"


44/62

44

38. A Zulu Dude

A Zulu guy went to filling station and askedfor petrol. A petrol attendant told him that his

tank is full.

The Zulu guy called the attendant closer tothe car and showed him the petrol gage. Itwas on F.The Zulu guy said to the attendant, " U yabona ma ime la ku F, kusho ukuthi FINISHand ma i la ku E, kusho ukuthi ENOUGH.

39. Banks

SSShhhhhhhhh..... don't tell anyone. ..I think Nedbank, FNB, Standard Bank andABSA are in financial trouble.......................Yesterday I tried to withdraw money at alltheir ATM's, and I got the same message"Insufficient Funds"


45/62

45

40. Security guard

During his career as a security guard, Tshabalalacaught two youngsters shoplifting.

But they fervently denied the offence, speaking

loudly, arguing and constantly interrupting oneanother.

This went on for some time, until the frustratedTshabalala shouted:

"Sharrup! Sharrup! Don't speak so twice together,speak once upon a time!!"

41. UmxhakaOmunye umxhaka uhleli eduze kweCherry eteksini, so he decides ukushela, whispering soother passengers won't hear the conversation.

Suddenly the girl shouts "angifuni.

" The guy responds "Awufuni ini? Ngithi vulaifastela ngoba usuzile"


46/62

46

42. Where were you?A man was walking in the street whenhe heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still!, The

man stopped and a big brick fell right infront of him.

The man was astonished. He went on,and after awhile he was going to crossthe road. Once again the voice shouted:"Stop!

The man did as he was instructed, justas a car came careening around thecorner, barely missing him.

"Who are you?" the man asked. "I amyour guardian angel," the voiceanswered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And wherethe hell were you when I got married?"


47/62

47

42.aWHEN WILL MEN EVER BE SATISFIED?


48/62

48

43. Gardener

A married couple having their first baby wereinvited to make use of a new Machine that wouldtransfer a portion of the mother's labour painsto the Baby's biological father.

Both were happy to try it.

The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but thehusband felt nothing so the doctor increased it to

20 percent.

The father said he still felt fine and his bloodpressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kickit up to 50 percent. Still no reaction.

The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred allthe pain until the wife delivered a healthy baby

with virtually no pain. She, the husband andthe doctor were ecstatic.

When they got home, the gardener was lying deadat the gate, from the labour pains.


49/62

49

44. OVERTIME


50/62

50

45. The new Toothbrush


51/62


52/62

52

10. STANDIS WORDS OFWISDOMHow many times you wanted to start somethinggood and you were always reminded about tenpeople who failed trying to do the same?

Unfortunately you were not reminded of thehundred who succeded.

Stay away from negative people!!!Let us learn from the story of little tiny frogs:

There once was a bunch of tiny frogs,...

who arranged a running competition.

The goal was to reach the top ofa very high tower.


53/62

53

A big crowd had gathered aroundthe tower to see the race andcheer on the contestants...

The race began...

Honestly:

No one in the crowd reallybelieved that the tiny frogs would

reach the top of the tower.

You heard statements such as:

"Oh, WAY too difficult!!

They will NEVER make it to thetop."or:

"Not a chance that they willsucceed. The tower is too high!"

The tiny frogs began collapsing.

One by one...... Except for those who in a freshtempo were climbing higher and

higher...


54/62


55/62

55

It turned out...

That the winner wasDEAF!!!!

The wisdom of this story is:

Never listen to other peoples tendencies tobe negative or pessimistic...

cause they take your most wonderfuldreams and wishes away from you. The

ones you have in your heart!

Always think of the power words have.

Because everything you hear and readwill affect your actions!

Therefore:

ALWAYS be

Be DDEEAAFF when people tellYOU that YOU can not fulfil

YOUR dreams!


56/62

56

11. A TESTIMONY WORTHREADING We were inspired by this testimony andthought we should compile it for u

I am a 35 year old brother dying of Aids.I would like to share my testimony with you. I aman owner of one of the largest IT Companies inSA.I own a Jaguar coupe and I also own a 5.5Mbeautiful home in Waterkloof, PTA.

I have a beautiful lady who is deeply in love withme and a loving family,But most important, I have

Jesus.This is just a wake up call to all singlebrothers and sisters, who are professing to beChristians, but don't want to be complete.Brothers, I had a beautiful young lady who lovesthe Lord and worships the ground I walk on.But I still wasn't quite happy because sometimes Iwould see another sister with a Coca-Cola-bottleshape and just wanted to hit it. Because I was

using a condom I thought that I wouldn't catch theKiller "Aids" But guess what? I did. The person Icaught it from was a girl that I knew well. Thecondom came off and now I am dying of Aids.Yes,I wore a condom, God gives us time after time to


57/62

57

straighten our lives up. I do know the Lord in thepardon of my sins.

I've been saved now for 8 years. I found out 7months ago that I had the virus, and now I havefull-blown Aids. I really didn't think that I was doinganything wrong, because I would tell the women

who I would deal with about the woman I love.

I thought that was good enough. But it wasn't. I am agood man and also a God-fearing man; but myweakness was women. I really wasn't out there likeyou may think I was.But every once and a while Iwould see something I wanted to try. My girlfriendand I were sexually active, but rarely would we doIT. She is a praying woman.

I think she was intimate with me because sheloved me and she wanted to make me happy. NowI've given AIDS to the woman I love and has beenfaithful to me because of lust.

Brothers and sisters, what I am telling you is thatGod is tired of us hurting each other and using

each other for self gratification. God has given memy home, my dream car and a beautiful womanand I took it all for granted. I've been tithing for 7years. I am the chairman of my Deacon Board.When I told my Pastor I had AIDS, he could notbelieve it because of the way I would carry myself.


58/62


59/62

59

Let's be real. God knows that the opposite sex attractsus, and he knows the desires we have for each other,but we don't have to havemultiple partners.If I coulddo it all over again, i would not have sacrificed myfamilys happiness due to lust!! But now I can't! Butyou can!Singles... I gotta tell you, it's not worth it. I love you

all! Get rid of casual sex. And fight to preventlovemaking (fornication)!

This is really deep.After you've read this, think aboutyourself. Sin is sin and everything done in the darkshall come to light. Professing that He is Lord, and yetworshiping the devil every chance you get will leadyou to the same path as me.

Sex must be with your OWN wife or husband. Thatincludes necking and petting, touching, oral sex,phone or Internet sex, and even fantasizing.Get your mind out of the gutter and put it in the Wordof God and you'll have great success. Don't and you'llhave great woe.

I have also learnt that forgiveness does not cancel outthe Consequences, at least not so far.But that's onme. Still, the Lord is my source of existence and Savior.He keeps me functioning each and every day. Thankyou for letting me share my story with you. I'm telling itlike it REALLY is to help somebody. Without Him, Iam nothing but with Him I can do all things.


60/62


61/62


62/62

standi joke booklet

Documents