star warts: the umpire strikes back - amazon web services · 1/270420/27 isbn: 978 1 84237 162 6...

1/270420/27 ISBN: 978 1 84237 162 6

Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back

Junior Script

by

Craig Hawes

Speaking Roles 50 Named Characters 55

Reduced Cast Size 28 Duration (minutes) 80

Published by

Musicline Publications

P.O. Box 15632

Tamworth

Staffordshire

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01827 281 431

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Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script 1

© Craig Hawes | ℗ Musicline Publications Ltd

CONTENTS

Cast List .............................................................................................................................. 4

Suggested Cast List For 55 Actors ................................................................................... 5

Suggested Cast List For 28 Characters ............................................................................ 7

Characters In Each Scene .................................................................................................. 8

List Of Properties ............................................................................................................... 9

List Of Properties In Each Scene .................................................................................... 10

Production Notes .............................................................................................................. 13

Prologue ............................................................................................................................. 19

Track 1: Overture & Star Chase .................................................................... 19

Track 2: Junction Fifty-One ........................................................................ 20

Scene One .......................................................................................................................... 20

Track 3: Junction Play Off ............................................................................. 22

Track 4: Flashback ....................................................................................... 24

Track 5: Phonebox #1 ................................................................................... 24

Track 6: SFX Copyright Alarm #1 ................................................................. 24

Track 7: SFX Sonic Spanner ........................................................................ 25


Track 9: Phonebox #2 ................................................................................... 25

Track 10: SFX Gordon #1 ............................................................................... 26

Track 11: SFX Roof Crash .............................................................................. 26

Track 12: Nebula Play On ............................................................................... 27

Track 13: SFX Repair Sounds ........................................................................ 28

Track 14: SFX R-U #1 .................................................................................... 28

Track 15: SFX Message #1 ............................................................................ 28

Track 16: SFX Message Over ......................................................................... 29

Track 17: SFX Finger Wiggle #1 ..................................................................... 30



Track 20: SFX Solo Landing ........................................................................... 31

Track 21: SFX Zak Wink #1 ............................................................................ 31

Track 22: SFX Ship Lock ................................................................................ 31

Track 23: SFX Sax Solo #1............................................................................. 32

Track 24: SFX Zak Wink #2 ............................................................................ 32


Track 26: SFX R-U #2 .................................................................................... 32

Track 27: Space Trip ..................................................................................... 33

Track 28: Space Trip Play Off ......................................................................... 35

2 Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script


Scene Two .......................................................................................................................... 36

Track 29: Racketeer Play On .......................................................................... 36

Track 30: SFX Saucy Tickle ............................................................................ 38

Track 31: SFX Doorbell .................................................................................. 38

Track 32: SFX Transporter Beam #1 .............................................................. 38


Track 34: Doctor Woo’s Surgery ..................................................................... 40

Scene Three ....................................................................................................................... 40

Track 35: Doctor Doctor .................................................................................. 40

Scene Four ......................................................................................................................... 41

Track 36: Game Battle .................................................................................... 41

Track 37: SFX Flat Engine .............................................................................. 42

Track 38: SFX Engine Start ............................................................................ 42

Track 39: In A Galaxy Far, Far Away ............................................................ 43

Track 40: Far Away Play Off ........................................................................... 44


Track 42: SFX R-U #3 .................................................................................... 45

Track 43: SFX David Atomsplitter #1 .............................................................. 45

Track 44: SFX Police Sirens ........................................................................... 47

Track 45: Rangers Play On............................................................................. 47


Track 47: SFX Jelly Mind Trick ....................................................................... 48

Track 48: Agga Dance .................................................................................... 49

Track 49: Diddly Invasion................................................................................ 50

Track 50: SFX Absorbing Data ....................................................................... 50

Track 51: SFX Message #2 ............................................................................ 52

Track 52: We Are The Diddly Squits ............................................................ 53

Track 53: Diddly Squit Play Off ....................................................................... 55

Scene Five .......................................................................................................................... 55

Track 54: Lip Hide ........................................................................................... 55

Track 55: Cheek Hide & Umpire Play On ....................................................... 55

Track 56: SFX Tractor Beam #1 ..................................................................... 55

Track 57: SFX Tractor Beam #2 ..................................................................... 56

Track 58: Racketeer Play Off .......................................................................... 56

Track 59: Planet Pilates .................................................................................. 57

Scene Six ........................................................................................................................... 57

Track 60: Yoga Play On .................................................................................. 57


Track 62: SFX Gordon #2 ............................................................................... 58

Track 63: SFX Gordon Flop ............................................................................ 58



Track 64: Squeeze The Sauce ...................................................................... 59

Track 65: Sauce Play Off ................................................................................ 62

Scene Seven ...................................................................................................................... 62

Track 66: Far, Far Away Reprise .................................................................. 62

Track 67: SFX Gordon #3 ............................................................................... 63

Track 68: March Of The Rebels .................................................................... 64

Track 69: Underground #1 .............................................................................. 65

Scene Eight ........................................................................................................................ 65

Track 70: SFX Binoculars ............................................................................... 66




Track 74: SFX Sauce Squeeze ....................................................................... 67


Track 76: Dan Dan Dan #1 ............................................................................. 68

Track 77: Dan Dan Dan #2 ............................................................................. 68

Track 78: Dan Dan Dan #3 ............................................................................. 68

Track 79: Dan Dan Dan #4 ............................................................................. 68

Track 80: SFX R-U #4 .................................................................................... 68


Track 82: SFX Bling Blades ............................................................................ 69



Track 85: SFX Gordon #4 ............................................................................... 70



Track 88: Dan Dan Dan #5 ............................................................................. 72

Track 89: Treacherous Trap ........................................................................... 72

Scene Nine ......................................................................................................................... 73

Track 90: The Umpire Strikes Back .............................................................. 73

Track 91: Wimbledonia Final .......................................................................... 74

Track 92: Saucy Sprinkle ................................................................................ 75

Track 93: Star Warts Sting .............................................................................. 75

Track 94: SFX Galaxy Bang ........................................................................... 76

Track 95: SFX Zak Wink #3 & Phonebox #3................................................... 76

Track 96: SFX Gordon’s Alive ......................................................................... 77

Track 97: Space Trip Reprise ....................................................................... 78

Track 98: Star Warts Megamix ...................................................................... 79

Track 99: Company Play Out .......................................................................... 80

Photocopiable Lyrics ....................................................................................................... 81



CAST LIST

N.B. In the following list, the bracketed number shows the number of spoken lines each role has.

An asterisk (*) before the character’s name indicates that this character ALSO has solo or featured sung lines.

The Rebels

*Daft Ada (88)

*Luke Warmwater (66)

*Princess Nebula (64)

Qwerty (40)

*Zak Solo (34)

Nigel The Nookie (25)

*Toby Wonky Nosebleed (37)

The Umpire’s Court

*The Umpire (50)

Spocky McSpock (26)

Alexi (6)

Sira (6)

The Jelly Nits

*Lord Yoga (31)

Anne Dromeda (8)

Alfie Centauri (7)

The Trekkies

Cosmic Ray (7)

Photon Phil (6)

Romulan Rose (6)

Buck Quasar (6)

Buzz Wormhole (5)

Jaffa The Nut (5)

Stella Artois (5)

Flash Ultra (4)

Luna Orbit (4)

Aurora Rocket (4)

The Cosmic VIPs

Doctor Woo (31)

King Basil Oregano (10)

Queen Saffron Oregano (8)

The Space Rangers

Ranger Roger (39)

Ranger Over (31)

Ranger Out (33)

The Racketeers

Borg (5)

Becker (5)

Venus (4)

Graf (4)

Mack (11)

Roe (11)

The Diddly Squits

Commodore Nintendo (19)

Amiga (5)

Atari (4)

Sega (3)

Snez (4)

Pong (2)

Kong (2)

Pixel (2)

EC (2)

The Apprentices

Axe (1)

Bax (1)

Crax (1)

Drax (1)

Fax (1)

Max (0)

Quax (0)

Sax (0)

Trax (0)

Wax (0)



SUGGESTED CAST LIST FOR 55 ACTORS

N.B. In the following list, the number shows how many spoken lines each role has.


*Daft Ada ........................................................................................................................... 88

*Luke Warmwater ............................................................................................................. 66

*Princess Nebula .............................................................................................................. 64

*The Umpire ...................................................................................................................... 50

Qwerty............................................................................................................................... 40

Ranger Roger ................................................................................................................... 39

*Toby Wonky Nosebleed ................................................................................................... 37

*Zak Solo .......................................................................................................................... 34

Ranger Out ....................................................................................................................... 33

Doctor Woo ....................................................................................................................... 31

Ranger Over ..................................................................................................................... 31

*Lord Yoga ........................................................................................................................ 31

Spocky McSpock .............................................................................................................. 26

Nigel The Nookie .............................................................................................................. 25

Commodore Nintendo ....................................................................................................... 19

Mack ................................................................................................................................. 11

Roe ................................................................................................................................... 11

King Basil Oregano ........................................................................................................... 10

Anne Dromeda .................................................................................................................... 8

Queen Saffron Oregano ...................................................................................................... 8

Cosmic Ray ......................................................................................................................... 7

Alfie Centauri ...................................................................................................................... 7

Romulan Rose .................................................................................................................... 6

Buck Quasar ....................................................................................................................... 6

Photon Phil .......................................................................................................................... 6

Sira ..................................................................................................................................... 6

Alexi .................................................................................................................................... 6

Stella Artois ......................................................................................................................... 5

Buzz Wormhole ................................................................................................................... 5

Jaffa The Nut ...................................................................................................................... 5

Amiga .................................................................................................................................. 5

Borg .................................................................................................................................... 5

Becker ................................................................................................................................. 5

Flash Ultra ........................................................................................................................... 4



Luna Orbit ........................................................................................................................... 4

Aurora Rocket ..................................................................................................................... 4

Venus .................................................................................................................................. 4

Graf ..................................................................................................................................... 4

Atari .................................................................................................................................... 4

Snez .................................................................................................................................... 4

Sega ................................................................................................................................... 3

Pong ................................................................................................................................... 2

Kong ................................................................................................................................... 2

Pixel .................................................................................................................................... 2

E.C. ..................................................................................................................................... 2

Axe ...................................................................................................................................... 1

Bax ...................................................................................................................................... 1

Crax .................................................................................................................................... 1

Drax .................................................................................................................................... 1

Fax ...................................................................................................................................... 1

Max ..................................................................................................................................... 0

Quax ................................................................................................................................... 0

Sax ...................................................................................................................................... 0

Trax ..................................................................................................................................... 0

Wax ..................................................................................................................................... 0



SUGGESTED CAST LIST FOR 28 CHARACTERS

N.B. In the following list, the number shows how many spoken lines each role has.


*Daft Ada ........................................................................................................................... 88

*Luke Warmwater ............................................................................................................. 66

*Princess Nebula .............................................................................................................. 64

*Doctor Woo/Yoga ............................................................................................................ 62

*The Umpire ...................................................................................................................... 50

Spocky/Basil (also covers lines of Saffron) ....................................................................... 44

Qwerty............................................................................................................................... 40

Ranger Roger ................................................................................................................... 39

*Toby Wonky Nosebleed ................................................................................................... 37

*Zak Solo .......................................................................................................................... 34

Ranger Out ....................................................................................................................... 33

Ranger Over ..................................................................................................................... 31

Alexi (also covers lines of Sira)/Anne (also covers lines of Alfie) ...................................... 27

Nigel The Nookie .............................................................................................................. 25

Quasar (also covers lines of Jaffa, Luna & Buzz) ............................................................. 20

Commodore Nintendo ....................................................................................................... 19

Romulan (also covers lines of Cosmic & Flash) ................................................................ 17

Photon (also covers lines of Stella & Aurora) .................................................................... 15

Mack ................................................................................................................................. 11

Roe ................................................................................................................................... 11

Amiga (also covers lines of Sega & Kong) ........................................................................ 10

Atari (also covers lines of Snez & Pixel)............................................................................ 10

Borg (also covers lines of Venus) ....................................................................................... 9

Becker (also covers lines of Graf) ....................................................................................... 9

E.C. (also covers lines of Pong) .......................................................................................... 4

Axe (also covers lines of Drax) ........................................................................................... 2

Bax (also covers lines of Fax) ............................................................................................. 2

Crax .................................................................................................................................... 1

With this reduction, some lines will need to be adapted or rearranged, especially where characters are mentioned by name but covered by other actors.



CHARACTERS IN EACH SCENE

Prologue

Qwerty

Princess Nebula

Scene One

Daft Ada

Luke Warmwater

Chorus

Trekkies

Anne Dromeda

Alfie Centauri

Apprentices

Diddly Squits

Doctor Woo

Princess Nebula

Qwerty

Basil Oregano

Saffron Oregano

Toby

Zak Solo

Nigel the Nookie

Scene Two

The Umpire

Spocky McSpock

Sira

Alexi

Racketeers

Space Rangers

Scene Three

Doctor Woo

Trekkies

Scene Four

Zak Solo

Nigel The Nookie

Toby

Qwerty

Luke Warmwater

Daft Ada

Princess Nebula

Chorus

Space Rangers

Diddly Squits

Scene Five

Spocky McSpock

Racketeers

The Umpire

Sira

Alexi

Space Rangers

Scene Six

Anne Dromeda

Alfie Centauri

Apprentices

Yoga

Luke Warmwater

Chorus

Scene Seven

Princess Nebula

Trekkies

Daft Ada

Luke Warmwater

Chorus

Toby

Scene Eight

Space Rangers

Anne Dromeda

Alfie Centauri

Yoga

Apprentices

Zak Solo

Qwerty

Nigel The Nookie

Toby

Princess Nebula

Luke Warmwater

Daft Ada

Trekkies

Diddly Squits

Racketeers

Spocky McSpock

The Umpire

Scene Nine

The Umpire

Chorus

Luke Warmwater

Princess Nebula

Spocky McSpock

Daft Ada

Basil Oregano

Saffron Oregano

Doctor Woo

Toby

Space Rangers

Qwerty



LIST OF PROPERTIES

Star Warts Scroller

Nebula’s Cut out Ship

Imperial Cut out Ship

Steering Wheel

Handheld Control Panel

Junction 51 Signpost

Feather Duster

Ada’s “Star Wares” Stall

Bunch Of Flowers

Cosmic Crystals

Blast Proof Underwear

Baby Space Suit

Baby Dennis

Phone Box

Medical Bag Containing Cream & Spanner

Small, Medium & Large Gordon

Plinth

This Way Up Box

R-U-1-2

Galaxy Necklace

Saxophone

Space Ship

Steering Wheel

Fluffy Dice

Wings x2

Large Torches x2

Crossing Patrol Sign

Tennis Ball Galaxy Display

Sira & Alexi Computer Screens

Rackets x7

Hand Mirror

Cosmic Cloth

Wig

Humanoid Phrase Book

Diddly Joystick

Squitty Squirter

Newspaper

Bottle of Sauce

Cell Door

Way Out This Way

Radios x3

Binoculars

Tiny Trousers

Bling Blades x2

Giant Tennis Ball

Giant Gordon Leaf



LIST OF PROPERTIES IN EACH SCENE

Prologue

Star Warts Scroller ········································································· Set Centre Stage

Nebula’s Cut Out Ship ················································································ Trekkies

Imperial Cut Out Ship ················································································· Trekkies

Steering Wheel ··························································································· Nebula

Handheld Control Panel ················································································ Qwerty

Junction 51 Signpost ······································································ Set Side Of Stage

Scene One

Feather Duster .................................................................................................................. Ada

Ada’s “Star Wares” Stall .............................................................................. Set Centre Stage

Bunch Of Flowers ....................................................................................................... On stall

Cosmic Crystals .......................................................................................................... On stall

Blast Proof Underwear................................................................................................ On stall

Baby Space Suit ......................................................................................................... On stall

Baby Dennis ..................................................................................................................... Ada

Phone Box ........................................................................................................... Doctor Woo

Medical Bag Containing Cream & Spanner ......................................................... Doctor Woo

Small Gordon ....................................................................................................... Doctor Woo

Medium Sized Gordon .................................................................... Luke (& Ada during song)

Plinth.................................................................................................................. Set On Stage

This Way Up Box ......................................................................................................... Nebula

R-U-1-2 ........................................................................................................................... Luke

Galaxy Necklace .......................................................................................................... Nebula

Saxophone ..................................................................................................................... Nigel

Space Ship ..................................................................................................................... Crew

Steering Wheel ................................................................................................................. Zak

Fluffy Dice ......................................................................................................................... Ada

Wings x2 .......................................................................................................... Toby & Qwerty

Large Torches x2 ............................................................................................. Luke & Nebula

Crossing Patrol Sign .......................................................................... Crossing Patrol Person

Scene Two


Tennis Ball Galaxy Display ....................................................................................... On Plinth

Sira & Alexi Computer Screens ............................................................................ Sira & Alexi

Rackets x6 ............................................................................................................ Racketeers



Scene Three

Phone Box ........................................................................................................... Doctor Woo

Scene Four

Spaceship .................................................................................................... Set Centre Stage


Baby Space Suit ............................................................................................................... Ada

R-U-1-2 ............................................................................................................... Set on stage

Feather Duster .................................................................................................................. Ada

Hand Mirror ....................................................................................................................... Ada

Cosmic Cloth ...................................................................................................... In Spaceship

Wig ..................................................................................................................... In Spaceship

Handheld Control Panel.................................................................................................Roger

Humanoid Phrase Book ................................................................................................... E.C.

Diddly Joystick .................................................................................................. A Diddly Squit

Squitty Squirter .................................................................................................... Commodore

Scene Five


Tennis Ball Galaxy Display ....................................................................................... On Plinth

Sira & Alexi Computer Screens ............................................................................ Sira & Alexi


Scene Six


Cosmic Cloth ............................................................................................................ On Plinth

Newspaper ..................................................................................................... Anne Dromeda

Bottle of Sauce .................................................................................................. Alfie Centauri

Medium Gordon .............................................................................................................. Luke

Large Gordon ......................................................................................... Hidden Inside Plinth

Scene Seven


Cell Door ............................................................................................................ Set On Stage

Large Gordon ................................................................................................................. Luke



Scene Eight

Way Out This Way Sign..................................................................................... Set On Stage

Radios x3 ................................................................................................................... Rangers

Binoculars ......................................................................................................................Roger

Tiny Trousers .................................................................................................................... Out

Saxophone ..................................................................................................................... Nigel

R-U-1-2 ........................................................................................................................ Qwerty

Bling Blades x2 ............................................................................................................... Toby

Large Gordon .............................................................................................................. Photon

Squitty Squirter .................................................................................................... Commodore


Scene Nine

Bling Blades x2 ................................................................................................ Nebula & Luke

Racket ......................................................................................................................... Umpire

Giant Tennis Ball ............................................................................................... Set On Stage

Bottle of Sauce ................................................................................................................. Ada


Baby Dennis ........................................................................................................ Doctor Woo

Giant Gordon Leaf .................................................................................................... Off stage



PRODUCTION NOTES

Welcome to Star Warts – The Umpire Strikes Back! I am sure you will enjoy rehearsing and performing this musical comedy, but to aid you in your production it may be helpful to consider the following notes.

CASTING

The script is written for 50 individual speaking characters and 5 non-speaking characters. These range from principal parts to smaller supporting roles. For productions with fewer cast members, condensing of characters is possible. This can be done in numerous ways, but the following example reduces the cast number to 28 (this is shown in more detail on pages 8):

Reduce Apprentices to just Axe, Bax and Crax (reallocating other lines)

Reduce Trekkies to just Romulan, Quasar and Photon (reallocating other lines)

Reduce Racketeers to just Borg, Becker, Mac and Roe (reallocating other lines)

Reduce Diddly Squits to Commodore, Amiga, Atari and E.C. (reallocating other lines)

Double role of Doctor Woo with Yoga (with costume changes)

Combine Anne Dromeda and Alfie Centauri into just one part, Anne Dromeda

Combine Alexi and Sira into just one part, Alexi

Double role of Anne Dromeda and Alexi (involving costume changes)

Combine Basil and Saffron Oregano into just one part, Basil.

Double role of Basil with Spocky (involving costume changes)

To expand the cast, unlimited chorus parts may be used as additional Trekkies, Apprentices, Racketeers and Diddly Squits, optionally redistributing some lines. An off-stage choir can also be used for chorus backing on songs. The Apprentices work well being smaller, so if you have a group of younger performers in your cast this role would be ideal for them. Daft Ada is a comical role that would be equally suitable for a male or female actor. Qwerty should be able to move robotically - a robotic effect such as ring modulation through a radio microphone would be ideal if your technical facilities are capable!

COSTUMES

The costuming of Star Warts can be as simple or elaborate as you like. As I always emphasise, try to avoid the ‘explosion in a paint factory’ look by picking out a few set colours for each group of characters. This helps the audience identify who is who, but also helps everyone backstage organising the cast! There is so much inspiration in the films associated with this production which can easily be replicated by either buying the actual fancy-dress costumes or by making simple versions– coloured t-shirts are often the answer to everything! However, don’t restrict yourself to the colour pallet from the films - white, grey and beige simply are not fun enough for this show! The costume styles are perfect but try to use bright colours wherever you can.



Daft Ada (think futuristic panto dame)

Comic orange wig; spotty short hooped dress; striped tights

Luke Warmwater

Karate style cross-over jacket; large belt & trousers (any colour); band tied round head

Princess Nebula Oregano

White t-shirt; white knee length harem pants; long silver sashes over shoulders and crossed over chest; silver waistband to hold sashes in place; traditional space princess wig with side buns; elasticated head band with silver star sitting on the forehead

Qwerty (the butler android)

Either a catsuit style droid costume with hood OR robot costume made from cardboard with a hood/balaclava; painted face and a pair of round, glasses – ALL in gold

Zak Solo (the cool captain)

Leather trousers and jacket/waistcoat; white open neck shirt; cool “Elvis” style wig with quiff

Nigel The Nookie

Brown, furry teddy bear style onesie; unruly brown hairy wig; sparkly sash over shoulder

Toby Wonky Nosebleed (think Alec Guinness!)

White wig & beard; long tunic & cloak

The Umpire (traditional heavy-breathing space villain)

Large shiny helmet; black boiler suit with wide belt and button panel on chest; long black cloak and gloves

The Space Rangers

Silver jumpsuit; silver baseball cap; sash with name on

Spocky McSpock

Black trousers; blue V-necked long-sleeved T-shirt with tennis ball emblem; pointy ears

Alexi & Sira

Silver face paint; white bob wigs; silver metallic trousers or dress/tights

Doctor Woo (the time travelling Doctor)

Brown fedora hat; yellow shirt; brown tweed jacket & trousers; long striped scarf (or replicate your favourite Doctor)



King Basil & Queen Saffron Oregano

Long white gown with hood; elasticated headband with silver star sitting on forehead

Lord Yoga

Blue hood with long pointy ears; long yellow tunic; long gown (either a cloak or large coat)

Anne Dromeda & Alfie Centauri

Red karate style jacket (short dressing gown); black sash tied round waist; black knee length harem pants; black t-shirt under jacket; red bob wig

The Apprentices

Orange trainee astronaut boiler suit and orange baseball cap OR similar costume to Anne Dromeda & Alfie Centauri

The Trekkies (colour choices changeable)

Purple knee length harem pants; orange striped socks; green t-shirt; long silver sash over shoulders and crossed over chest, held in place with silver waistband; exotic, brightly coloured spiky wig

The Diddly Squits

Blue dungarees; lime green long sleeved t-shirt; green Alien type hood with antenna

The Racketeers

Black sparkly cap; white space guard outfit with silver tennis racket “ball blaster” accessory

STAGING

This production can be staged effectively with very simple scenery. Large flats brightly painted to depict giant control panels inside a spaceship are incredibly eye-catching set against a simple black background. Try cutting the flats into ‘spacey’ shapes to help further convey the theme and giving the flats a white base colour helps to make the scenery pop out even further against the black. If possible, hang a star cloth instead of a plain black cloth at the back to make the set look as magical as possible. Additional flats could be added for The Umpire or Yoga scenes, though this change in environment could be shown equally as well by a change in lighting. The set could of course be as elaborate as you like for any of the scenes, but the show works just as well with the spacey control panel flats in place throughout.

This production works well as a one-act musical, but some directors may prefer to split the show into two acts and this is perfectly acceptable. Star Warts can easily be performed as a two-act production with an interval following the song “In A Galaxy Far, Far Away” in Scene Four. In doing this, “TRACK 40: FAR AWAY PLAY OFF” can serve as the Act One play off music, then be repeated after the interval as the Entr’acte music for Act Two which would pick up from that point in Scene Four.



PROPS

The props in this show can be made as simply or as elaborately as you like, though as with most props, the bigger they are, the better! Many of the props, such as the tiny trousers or blast proof underwear, can be made simply using large, painted, 2D pieces of cardboard.

The first prop in the show is the Star Warts scroller, designed to recreate the original scrolling text of the film titles. This comprises a long, thin banner of yellow text on black background, wound around 2 poles so on winding, the writing scrolls upwards, off the bottom pole onto and around the top pole. The poles can be built into a small wooden structure to hold them into place and conceal the wound banner at the top and bottom. An adapted clothes rail would also work well. However, if this seems beyond your budget or capabilities you have the option of using the digital backdrop slides or video for this section, or simply rely on the audio narration only.

The phone box for Doctor Woo and the cell door can be made simply as one large reversible flat, to save on space, cost and time. The phone box should resemble an old-fashioned blue Police Phone Box, but with a small flap/window that Doctor Woo can speak through for his surgery joke scene. The cell door could look like a metal shutter, with the same flap/window used for Luke to peer and speak through.

Gordon the pot plant grows throughout the show, depicted by three puppets (small, medium and large) and finally a giant leaf. Fly-trap style plant puppets from a popular video game are available online or could be handmade as more extravagant sock puppets. The leaf at the end could be a large cardboard cut-out or more 3D with the stem being made from a swimming woggle, and material covered cardboard for the main structure of the leaf.

R-U-1-2 is a familiar three-legged droid with the body of a traditional silver rubbish bin. This can be created with a plastic bin or bin-shaped body with wheels underneath with a lid that opens and closes. Spray silver if necessary, then add buttons, grills and lights (battery powered led remote control lights are very effective). If your RU is not remote controlled, don’t panic! The cast can easily guide him around the stage with a helping hand!

Zak Solo’s shiny and futuristic spaceship would ideally be made up of various wooden or cardboard flats that the cast bring together over the beginning section of the Space Trip song. The front panel (with large “SOLO 1” number plate) should fix onto 2 angled side panels to form the front of the ship. Luke and Nebula should kneel down each side of the front panel with a large torch each which act as headlights flashing in time with the chorus and moving around the audience throughout. Zak holds the steering wheel and Nigel should operate the window wipers during the chorus. Toby and Qwerty should hold the ship’s wings out at the side which then move overhead for the verses and display the names ‘Zak’ and ‘Nigel’. Ada holds up a large pair of fluffy dice which dangle and dance around. Alternatively, the spaceship does not have to be as complicated – even the simple grouping of the crew centre stage with Zak and his steering wheel would be sufficient.



The plinth is a very simple prop to make. It is a large box with an open back allowing someone to puppeteer Large Gordon from inside, and is also used for the High Tower scenes with the galaxy display sat on top. The top has a large hole, disguised with stretched material with a slit across it so that Qwerty can pop his head through to appear as a disembodied head.

Qwerty’s “severed head” illusion also relies on a large silver cardboard box with lid and “This Way Up” sign which Nebula places on the plinth. The box base has a hole cut in it for Qwerty to put his head through from inside the plinth. The box has a hinged front, held in place by a removable lid. When the lid is removed by Ada, the front flaps down revealing Qwerty’s disembodied head.

The tennis ball galaxy display is a key part of The Umpire Scenes and should look like a small orrery/solar system model, but instead of planets, tennis balls. One ball should be missing. This sits on its own base that in turn fits onto the plinth. The missing tennis ball is found as a necklace around Princess Nebula’s neck.

The Diddly joystick used in the Diddly Squit song is a large cartoon mallet which could be inflatable, sponge or cardboard cut-out used to gently ‘bonk’ the neighbouring Diddly Squit on the head.

The Sauce bottle should be as big as possible and can be easily constructed with a giant Cola bottle moneybox available online, spray painted green on the inside and decorated with a large label. Green metallic confetti can be concealed within for the final scene, or can be released by a hand from behind the upturned bottle.

Finally, the bling blades, known in other galaxies by a different copyrighted name, can be easily purchased from toy shops or made with simple materials. Telescopic or light-up versions can be particularly effective.

CHOREOGRAPHY

Each musical number is designed to have movement, and even simple choreographed moves will bring the songs to life. For maximum effect, the whole cast is intended to perform most of the songs and dances on stage as chorus, whether they are in the preceding drama or not. Of course, this is at the discretion of the director and can depend on available space. Choreography of musical numbers is left to the creativity of your own director/choreographer so that moves can be designed to more accurately match the ability of the individual cast. However, excellent example choreography and useful advice for all the musical numbers in this show can be found on the highly recommended Choreography “Dance It” DVD.

Diddly Squit Drill

The middle of the song “We Are The Diddly Squits” has a drill of repeating words and actions that are performed by four separate groups. This is shown in the Choreography “Dance It” DVD.



MUSIC

All the music required to stage this production, including sound effects, is found on the Backing Track CD.

Incidental music including Overture, Play On, Play Off and Scene Change tracks, are provided to allow cast and chorus entrances, exits and scene changes to occur smoothly without pauses, resulting in a slick performance. Any music played between scenes is designed to cover the scene change, so that lights can come up and action begin immediately upon the music finishing. A vocal recording is provided as a guide and to enable the swift learning of songs. The backing tracks without vocals are ideal to use in rehearsals and performances. Directors may, if they wish, allow a choir or separate character to accompany or replace a soloist in a song or section intended for a soloist. This may be necessary if certain cast members are unable to perform the solo themselves or a larger chorus is required to be employed more fully.

MUSIC PLAYBACK

The various sound effect and music tracks are a fun and central part of the show. These can easily be played on a CD or computer. But by far the easiest way is to use an IPad/IPhone and the free and excellent Go Button app which allows for instant playback at the touch of a screen. This results in smooth and seamless playback of all sound cues for an entire show.

LIGHTING

Stage lighting is not essential for any part of this show. However, if you are fortunate enough to have stage lighting available, some suggestions have been made in the stage directions.

LOCAL AMENDMENTS

The director should change the square bracketed script elements such as [LOCAL TOWN] to appropriate names of places or people dependant on your locality and topical celebrities of the day.

AND FINALLY…

This musical comedy is intended to be a fun show to rehearse and perform, so remember to enjoy yourselves and your audience will, too! My very best wishes for a successful and enjoyable production, and may The Sauce be with you!

Craig Hawes

Prologue Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script 19


PROLOGUE

TRACK 1: OVERTURE & STAR CHASE

(As the House Lights dim, the overture music begins. The curtain rises and a light reveals a scrolling title banner. As we hear a familiar voice setting our scene, the title banner scrolls upwards to subtitle the voiceover, mimicking a famous cinematic opening sequence.)

VOICE: The universe has fallen into slavery under the control of the evil Umpire, with his tyrannical grip and formidable forehand. From his base on Planet Wimbledonia, he punishes all who break his rules. But a new hope is dawning. Pursued by The Umpire's sinister agents, Princess Nebula races through the galaxy on a mission to restore freedom to the universe. Dot dot dot! That’s it. No, that’s the end of the dramatic introduction. There’s no more. You can stop now. Stop! STOP!

(A lighting change as dramatic music and laser blasts are heard. Trekkies move a cut out of Nebula's ship and a pursuing Imperial ship across the stage. As the sounds suddenly dim, another lighting change reveals Princess Nebula and her android butler, Qwerty, together at the controls of their spaceship. Nebula holds an intergalactic steering wheel whilst Qwerty presses buttons on a large handheld control panel. They are tense and desperate.)

QWERTY: The Imperial ships are gaining on us, miss.

NEBULA: We can outrun them, Qwerty. We just need more power!

QWERTY: But the fuel cells are empty, miss.

NEBULA: Well that’s just great! We’re out of fuel and Space Rangers are about to blast us into a billion atoms. Any suggestions?

QWERTY: We could just surrender, miss.

NEBULA: Surrender to The Umpire? Are we miserable cowards who take the easy way out, or brave heroes who laugh at danger and fight to the death?

QWERTY: Oh, miserable cowards, definitely. We’re doomed! We’re doomed!

NEBULA: Qwerty, you’re an android. You can’t be scared!

QWERTY: Put it this way, miss - that’s not oil running down my leg!

NEBULA: Nonsense! We’re on a mission - millions of lives depend on us. We just need somewhere to hide till we can refuel.

QWERTY: I’ve detected a small space station just out of range, miss. Junction Fifty-One.

(Fade out any remaining underscore from Track 1.)

20 Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script Scene One


NEBULA: Out of range? Then we’ll have to make an emergency crash landing. Qwerty, hold on to your nuts and bolts, and set a course for Junction Fifty-One!

TRACK 2: JUNCTION FIFTY-ONE

(The light goes out on Nebula and Qwerty and they exit. dramatic music and sound effects resume as a Trekkie enters with Nebula’s cut out ship on a new course, heading towards the Junction Fifty-One signpost. It crashes headfirst into the signpost and sticks there. The Trekkie exits as Ada enters and starts dusting the Junction 51 signpost as the scene changes.)

SCENE ONE

(Lights fade up on Junction 51 - an intergalactic Service Station with motel, restaurant, shop etc. - a veritable home from home for the weary space traveller. Eccentric proprietor Daft Ada looks up to see an approaching space craft and calls off stage to her nephew, Luke Warmwater.)

ADA: Luke? Luke? The spaceships are landing! Luke?

(Luke enters.)

LUKE: Alright, Aunt Ada, I’m here! I’m here!

ADA: Well get the docking bay open! (Luke walks off and exits as Ada calls after him). And smarten yourself up, Luke - it’s show time!

(As the music gets louder, the stage erupts into a hive of activity as the chorus enter. They are space travellers making a pit stop at Junction 51. A colourful variety of alien

species, they greet each other and point at and inspect the merchandise on offer. Others cross the stage. They then get into song positions to sing.)

ALL: WHEN YOU’RE LIGHTYEARS AWAY SEEKING SOMEWHERE TO STAY WIND YOUR WONDERING WAY TO WHERE WE’RE CALLING IF YOU’RE LOSING ACCELERATION SET A COURSE FOR OUR CONSTELLATION WE’VE GOT ALL THAT YOU NEED AND WE’RE WAITING FOR YOU! AS WE RACE AROUND THE UNIVERSE, THERE’S A PLACE WE WANT TO BE! IT’S A HOME FROM HOME FOR THOSE WHO ROAM ACROSS THE GALAXY!

Scene One Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script 21


WITH THE WARMEST WELCOME WAITING THERE, IT’S A GOLDEN GUARANTEE! THERE’S A PLACE IN SPACE FOR EVERYONE - JUNCTION FIFTY-ONE! SO WHEREVER YOU ARE FLYING NEAR OR FAR LIKE A SHIMMERING STAR, YOU’LL SEE US SHINING! TAKE THE INTERGALACTIC HIGHWAY TAKE A TURN AND YOU’RE HEADING MY WAY! TAKE A BREAK FROM THE ROAD FOR A MOMENT OR TWO! AS WE RACE AROUND THE UNIVERSE, THERE’S A PLACE WE WANT TO BE! IT’S A HOME FROM HOME FOR THOSE WHO ROAM ACROSS THE GALAXY! WITH THE WARMEST WELCOME WAITING THERE, IT’S A GOLDEN GUARANTEE! THERE’S A PLACE IN SPACE FOR EVERYONE - JUNCTION FIFTY...

(An instant lighting change as the chorus freeze - a spotlight hits a thoughtful Luke as he looks up and out at the stars and begins to sing.)

LUKE: ONE DAY, OUT THERE IS WHERE YOU’LL FIND ME LEAVE THIS SATELLITE FAR BEHIND ME I’LL BE SURFING THE STARS! I’LL BE WALKING THE SKY! S.O.S, A DISTRESS I’M SENDING NEED ADVENTURE THAT’S NEVER ENDING I DON’T WANT TO SPEND LIFE WATCHING LIFE PASSING BY...

(The lighting returns to normal as the chorus sing once more.)

ALL: AS WE RACE AROUND THE UNIVERSE, THERE’S A PLACE WE WANT TO BE! IT’S A HOME FROM HOME FOR THOSE WHO ROAM ACROSS THE GALAXY! WITH THE WARMEST WELCOME WAITING THERE, IT’S A GOLDEN GUARANTEE! THERE’S A PLACE IN SPACE FOR EVERYONE -



GROUP 1: JUNCTION FIFTY-ONE! JUNCTION FIFTY-ONE! JUNCTION FIFTY-ONE! JUNCTION FIFTY-ONE! GROUP 2: YOU ARE WELCOME TO COME, WE WILL TAKE ANYONE! YOU ARE WELCOME TO COME, WE WILL TAKE ANYONE! YOU ARE WELCOME TO COME, WE WILL TAKE ANYONE! YOU ARE WELCOME TO COME, WE WILL TAKE ANYONE!

ADA: (speaking with an arm around Luke) It’s our home in the stars!

ALL: JUNCTION FIFTY-ONE!

(The song ends on the last beat with the chorus in a frozen pose around a central Ada and Luke. Ada stands happily hands on hips, Luke is grumpy with arms folded.)

TRACK 3: JUNCTION PLAY OFF

(The chorus and Luke exit, leaving Ada with the Trekkies - a group of exotically colourful alien travellers from every corner of the universe. They gather around Ada’s stall of space merchandise. A large sign reads “Daft Ada’s Star Wares” in a familiar font.)

ADA: Welcome, star trekkers, to our humble commode - Junction Fifty-One. I’m Daft Ada, and while my nephew, Luke, services your ships, please peruse our star wares. We’ve got special offers on space suits and blue milk.

COSMIC: Where do you get blue milk from?

ADA: Sad cows.

STELLA: What are those lovely flowers, Ada?

ADA: (holding the flowers) These are Romulan Rose’s.

STELLA: Great, I’ll take them!

ADA: You can’t, they’re Romulan Rose’s. Here you are, Romulan Rose.

ROMULAN: (taking the flowers) Thanks, Daft Ada.

QUASAR: (pointing at some crystals) What are those, Ada?

ADA: (holding the crystals) These are Cosmic Crystals.

QUASAR: Great, I’ll take them!

ADA: You can’t.

BUZZ: Don’t tell me, they belong to Cosmic Crystal.

ADA: No! They belong to Photon Phil.

PHOTON: (taking the crystals) Thanks, Daft Ada!



(Alfie Centauri and Anne Dromeda enter, leading a line of young Jelly Nit Apprentices.)

ALFIE: Keep up, Apprentices! Single file!

ANNE: We’re taking a ten-minute toilet break!

APPRENTICES: Yes, Anne Dromeda!

ALFIE: Now follow us to the bathroom.

ANNE: And remember, if they have a stiff American tap...

APPRENTICES: (punching the air) Just force it!

(Alfie and Anne lead the Apprentices off stage. Ada is now selling her space suits to some Trekkies.)

JAFFA: I could do with some new space suits, Ada.

FLASH: (pointing at a pair of pants) Look, Blast Proof Underwear!

ADA: I call it Thunderwear! (she passes a pair over)

LUNA: (reading the label) Can withstand the deadliest gas explosions!

AURORA: (wafting a hand) Daft Ada could do with a pair herself!

ADA: (snatching the pants back and shouting) Bog off!

JAFFA: Pardon?

ADA: (falsely sweet) Buy one, get one free, dear!

(Commodore Nintendo enters leading his army of Diddly Squits.)

COMMODORE: This way, Diddly Squits!

DIDDLY SQUITS: Diddly diddly diddly diddly!

COMMODORE: How much is a cup of cosmic coffee, Amiga?

AMIGA: Fifty Starbucks!

COMMODORE: Great, let’s all get a decapitated coffee!

DIDDLY SQUITS: Decapitated coffee?

COMMODORE: Yes - there’s no head on it! Follow me!

DIDDLY SQUITS: Diddly diddly diddly diddly!

(Commodore Nintendo leads the Diddly Squits off stage and they exit. Cosmic has found a small baby space suit and holds it up to show the others.)

COSMIC: Oh look, Daft Ada even sells cute baby space suits!

TREKKIES: (cooing) Awww!

ADA: (suddenly snappy, snatching them) They’re not for sale!



(Ada takes the Space Suit and moves to one side, looking at it and sadly reminiscing.)

PHOTON: Didn’t you know? They were her long, lost son’s!

ALL: Long lost son?

BUZZ: Tell us what happened, Ada?

ADA: I never, ever talk about it. (she folds her arms and looks away)

ALL: Oh, go on!

ADA: (instantly happy to oblige) Alright then! I remember just like it was yesterday…

TRACK 4: FLASHBACK

(Flash and Luna speak over the flashback music.)

FLASH: Gather round everyone!

LUNA: She’s having a flashback!

(The crowd surround Ada as she goes into a trance. Unseen, she swaps the space suit for a spotty, crying baby. It is her long-lost baby son, Dennis. We hear a music box melody as she emerges from the crowd in a flashback memory sequence comforting her crying son. The crowd turn and face the back.)

ADA: Cheer up, Denny-poos! Be a good boy for mumsie and drink your blue milk. Those spots are getting worse. Don’t worry, Denny-poos! I’ve called the doctor!

TRACK 5: PHONEBOX #1

(We hear familiar music and sounds as a telephone box appears on stage. Doctor Woo emerges from it carrying a medical bag and the small Gordon pot-plant puppet.)

DOCTOR: Greetings, I’m the Doctor!

ADA: Doctor who?

TRACK 6: SFX COPYRIGHT ALARM #1

DOCTOR: (shouting over the alarm and looking up) No, not Doctor Who. I’m Doctor Woo! Doctor Woo! (to Ada) Goodness, you have to be so careful these days. I’m Doctor Woo and this (he indicates his pot plant) is my companion, Gordon. Now, what’s the emergency?



ADA: (Dramatically desperate, holding up her baby) My Diddy Denny-Poos!

DOCTOR: All babies do that, Madam.

ADA: No! He’s got green spots, so I called a doctor.

DOCTOR: That’s a little rash.

ADA: I thought it was quite sensible, actually.

DOCTOR: No, your son’s got a little rash. My sonic spanner will confirm the diagnosis…

TRACK 7: SFX SONIC SPANNER

DOCTOR: (he gets his sonic spanner from the bag and wiggles it) Just as I thought! It’s a severe case of… Star Warts!


DOCTOR: Oh, not again! (looking up and shouting) I said “Star Warts! Star Warts!”

ADA: Star Warts?

DOCTOR: Yes, a green sticky virus discovered in 1977 by George Mucus. But don’t be alarmed, I have the cure in my bag! (he replaces his spanner and takes a tube which he passes to Ada) Just rub this cream into both cheeks.

ADA: Right! (she takes the cream and rubs it into her rear)

DOCTOR: Not you… and not there! Here, hold Gordon and give the baby to me. (he swaps his plant for the baby and applies the cream) There, that’s better! Now I must dash, I need to fight the smelliest robots in the universe.

ADA: The smelliest robots in the universe?

DOCTOR: The Garlix! Toodle-pip!

TRACK 9: PHONEBOX #2

(We hear sound effects and music as the telephone box disappears with Doctor and baby on board. Ada looks down at the plant and gasps in horror. She calls after him shouting but she is too late.)

ADA: (shouting) Doctor Woo! Come back! You’ve still got my Denny-Poos!

(Ada runs to the side of the stage as the flashback ends. Unseen, she hands Gordon the Pot Plant off stage and looks sad.)



AURORA: So, Doctor Woo took your baby?

ROMULAN: And he’s not come back after all this time?

ADA: No. But I’m sure my Denny-Poos is somewhere out in the great unknown… missing his mumsie! (she sobs loudly)

ALL: Awww!

(Luke enters with the medium Gordon pot-plant puppet. Gordon has evidently grown in the intervening years.)

ADA: (recovering instantly) Oh well, never mind! At least I’ve got my nephew Luke!

LUKE: And Gordon, of course.

TRACK 10: SFX GORDON #1

(Ada goes to stroke Gordon, but he snaps at her fingers as puppeteered by Luke.)

LUKE: Star Trekkers, make your way to the docking bay - it’s time for take off!

ALL: Hooray!

(The visitors cheer and exit happily, chatting to each other as Ada and Luke wave goodbye.)

ADA: Come back soon!

LUKE: (looking up at the stars above him) I wish I was out there too, on my own adventure...

ADA: It’s no good star gazing, Luke. (looking up also) Adventure won’t just fall out of the sky, you know...

TRACK 11: SFX ROOF CRASH

(We hear a loud crash. The lights flicker, and Luke and Ada hold each other scared, staring up.)

ADA: Bless my stars, what was that?

LUKE: I think a spaceship’s just crashed into my bedroom!

ADA: (cross) Luke! Did you leave the landing light on again?

LUKE: Don’t be daft, Ada! I wonder who it is. Maybe someone really important, sophisticated and intelligent!

ADA: Or [INFAMOUS CELEBRITY]!



TRACK 12: NEBULA PLAY ON

(Nebula enters with a prop box labelled “This Way Up”. She places the box on a pre-set plinth at the side of the stage (see Production Notes). She approaches Ada & Luke.)

NEBULA: Princess Nebula Oregano. Sorry for the mess - we were chased by Space Rangers so we thought we’d...

ADA: Drop in for break and crash here for a bit?

NEBULA: I’m afraid so. Where am I?

LUKE: Well, if there's a bright centre to the universe, you're in the most boring dump furthest from it.

NEBULA: [LOCAL TOWN]?

LUKE: No, Junction Fifty-One.

NEBULA: Great! A space station armed with photon blasters and a force-field generator!

LUKE: More of a service station armed with stale sandwiches and a broken coffee machine.

(Ada nosily peeks in the prop box on the plinth by removing the lid and releasing the front flap to reveal Qwerty’s bodyless head. Qwerty’s body is hidden from view behind the plinth, and his head has poked through a hidden hole in the top of the plinth and bottom of the box during the previous drama. He maintains a very still head as he speaks to ensure the effect is convincing.)

ADA: (screaming in shock) Aagghh!

QWERTY: (screaming in shock) Aagghh!

NEBULA: That’s Qwerty, my android. He’s damaged, but he’s ‘armless!

QWERTY: I’m also completely legless!

LUKE: You should quit while you’re a head! How do you feel?

QWERTY: Shattered! My hands flew through the windscreen, my knees went through the sunroof and my foot ended up in the boot!

NEBULA: Well that’s you all over!

(Luke lifts the flap, closes the box to hide Qwerty’s head as he speaks to him. Unseen, Qwerty lowers his head from the box and exits.)

LUKE: Come on, I’ll get you fixed. (to Nebula) I think Aunt Ada could use one of these?

NEBULA: What?

LUKE: (lifting the now empty box) A face lift! Ha, ha, ha, ha! (Luke exits laughing with the box)



TRACK 13: SFX REPAIR SOUNDS

(We instantly hear repair sounds from offstage. Nebula speaks loudly over the sounds.)

NEBULA: How long will the repairs take?

ADA: Oh, he’s very quick. In rehearsals he’s usually finished just about… (she looks at her watch, waiting for a loud clang and break in the sounds) ...now!

(A fanfare plays as a repaired and delighted Qwerty enters, followed by Luke. Qwerty walks and moves in a stiff and robotic manner, typical of well-spoken, gold-plated protocol droids.)

QWERTY: Thank the maker! I feel like a new droid! I am most obliged, Sir Luke.

LUKE: I’m sure one of his parts is still broken, but I’m not sure which.

QWERTY: (to Ada) Oh, madam, you are a heavenly beauty! A vision of loveliness!

LUKE & NEBULA: (nodding at each other) Eyes!

TRACK 14: SFX R-U #1

(We hear some robotic beeps from off stage, then R-U-1-2 enters. Luke helps R-U into position.)

LUKE: And this is my very own droid! R-U-1-2!

NEBULA: No! I’m human!

LUKE: No, that’s the name of my droid. R-U-1-2!

ADA: No, she’s a real person! (animating Nebula’s body parts) Look!

LUKE: (explaining to Ada) I was introducing him to the princess. (loudly and slowly) R-U-1-2.

ADA: (loudly and slowly) No, I’m not a princess! I’m just Daft Ada.

LUKE: You certainly are!

NEBULA: (approaching R-U and patting him on the head) Hello, R-U! I’m Nebula Oregano.

TRACK 15: SFX MESSAGE #1

NEBULA: (R-U beeps and shakes upon hearing Nebula’s name) What’s he doing?

LUKE: He seems to be regurgitating a holographic space message...



(We hear strange sounds and music as the lights dim and a spotlight picks out King Basil and Queen Saffron, Nebula’s parents on one side of the stage. They are a recorded hologram message. They deliver their message out to the audience and Nebula, Luke and Ada stare into the audience on the other side of the stage as if watching the projection.)

BASIL: Nebula! This is a message from your parents, Basil and Saffron Oregano.

SAFFRON: If you’re receiving this, we’ve fallen into the clutches of the evil Umpire!

BASIL: But all is not lost! You can still save us!

SAFFRON: Get help from Toby Wonky Nosebleed!

BASIL: Toby Wonky Nosebleed is your only hope!

NEBULA: Toby Wonky Nosebleed? Who’s he?

BASIL: Sorry, dear, we can’t answer questions.

SAFFRON: We’re just a recorded message.

BASIL: Remember, Nebula, wherever you go, you carry us with you!

SAFFRON: And whatever you do, Nebula, it is absolutely essential that you never, ever...

TRACK 16: SFX MESSAGE OVER

(We hear a beep indicating the end of the message.)

BASIL: Sorry, love, the tape’s run out!

(Basil and Saffron go dark and exit unseen as we hear the communication end.)

NEBULA: (reaching toward the audience) Mum, Dad, come back!

LUKE: What’s going on?

NEBULA: I’ve just come from Planet Wimbledonia

QWERTY: And you know who lives on Wimbledonia?

LUKE: The Wombles?

NEBULA: No, not underground. Overground.

QWERTY: It’s the base of the evil Umpire!

LUKE & ADA: No!

NEBULA: Yes! He’s gone power-mad in his high tower, punishing all who break his rules!

LUKE & ADA: No!

QWERTY: Yes! He’s been making whole galaxies disappear!

LUKE & ADA: No!



NEBULA: Yes! This necklace was all that remained of my galaxy. I stole it from The Umpire. He must be stopped!

LUKE: We’ll help you!

QWERTY: And your parents said Toby Wonky Nosebleed could help too.

LUKE: (to Qwerty) Can you tell us how to find Toby Wonky Nosebleed?

NEBULA: I’m afraid he’s programmed with Wikipedia circuits, so you can’t always trust everything he says.

QWERTY: (shouting) [infamous celebrity] is a genius!

NEBULA: See?

ADA: Well we can’t just go searching the universe randomly shouting, “Toby Wonky Nosebleed”!

(Toby Wonky Nosebleed immediately pops up from behind the plinth. He is a mysterious melodramatic cross between Doc Brown and a Shakespearian actor.)

TOBY: Did somebody call?

ADA: (stepping back, screaming in shock) Aagghh! What are you doing there?

TOBY: (mysteriously) I’ve lived here for forty-two years, Ada. Hiding... watching... (now close up face to face with Ada) waiting!

ADA: (turning a worried face to the audience) Bit creepy.

TOBY: I knew this day would come, for it is written... (he arcs both hands in the air above him, wiggling his fingers mysteriously as we hear a tinkle)

TRACK 17: SFX FINGER WIGGLE #1

TOBY: ...in the stars!

QWERTY: Sir, are you Toby Wonky Nosebleed?

TOBY: Ahhh! Do any of us really know who we are...

LUKE: Are you Toby or not?

TOBY: (over dramatically) Toby or not Toby? That is the question...

LUKE: (getting cross) Just yes or no.

TOBY: Alright then, yes.

NEBULA: Then help me, Toby Wonky Nosebleed. You’re my only hope!

TOBY: I shall indeed help you, Nebula, for it is written... (another finger wiggle)


TOBY: ...in the stars! And Luke Warmwater will join us on our mission.



LUKE: Really?

TOBY: Indeed, young Luke. For it is written…


LUKE: (mimicking the finger wiggle) ...in the stars?

TOBY: No, in the script! Scene One, page nine.

NEBULA: Well to fight The Umpire, we’ll need a rebel army.

TOBY: And the power of... The Sauce!

ALL: The Sauce?

TOBY: The Sauce is an energy field created by all living things. You will learn its power from the greatest master of The Sauce. His name is... Yoga!

ALL: Yoga?

TOBY: Yes, Yoga. He lives on Planet Pilates in the Tai Chi System.

LUKE: Then we need a fast spaceship and a cool captain!

TRACK 20: SFX SOLO LANDING

(We hear a roar of engine, a squeal of breaks and a fanfare as Captain Zak Solo enters and strikes a cool pose. He is a self-obsessed dude with charisma and a John Travolta quiff.)

ZAK: You need a fast spaceship and a cool captain, right?

ALL: Yes!

ZAK: A Captain who’s fearlessly daring and finger-lickin’, mirror-snoggin’ gorgeous?

ALL: Yes!

ZAK: Well, have no fear, I’m here! (he slaps his thigh, poses with hands on hips then winks with a nod, a smile and a sound effect)

TRACK 21: SFX ZAK WINK #1

ALL: (punching the air) Hooray!

ZAK: My ship’s parked outside. (he pretends to point his fob at it and it beeps and locks)

TRACK 22: SFX SHIP LOCK

(Nigel the Nookie enters with a saxophone round his neck.)



ZAK: This is Nigel The Nookie! He’s my first mate.

NIGEL: I’m his only mate! We fly the Millennium Penguin!

LUKE: The Millennium Penguin? But that must mean you’re…

ALL: ...Zak Solo!

TRACK 23: SFX SAX SOLO #1

(Nigel plays a familiar tune on his saxophone.)

ZAK: No, Nigel, not “Sax Solo”, Zak Solo!

NEBULA: But I don’t understand, Captain Solo.

ZAK: I know! You’re finding the temperature confusing. How can I be so cool... and so hot... at the same time! (he slaps his thigh and poses with a winking smile again)

TRACK 24: SFX ZAK WINK #2

NEBULA: No, how did you know we needed you?

ZAK: Actually, Ma’am, I have no idea.

TOBY: Perhaps it was written… (finger wiggle)


TOBY: ...in the stars!

ZAK: Hey, man - nice finger action!

TOBY: It’s The Sauce. It flows right through me!

NIGEL: (indicating Zak) He has the same problem with chicken vindaloo!


(R-U beeps and Qwerty listens and agrees.)

QWERTY: R-U says it’s time to get going as it’s nearly the end of the scene.

ZAK: Time to burn rubber and hit the road!

NEBULA: But is the Millennium Penguin fast?

ZAK: The Millennium Penguin? It's the ship that made the school run in less than twelve parsecs! I've outrun fighters, starships - even my gran’s mobility scooter.

NIGEL: It’s got torplex concussion missiles, fluffy dice and cup holders!

ALL: Cup holders? Wow!



(Zak praises his vehicle in John Travolta style as the others strike poses on the strong beats.)

TRACK 27: SPACE TRIP

ZAK: Why this ship is enigmatic! (all pose on the strong beat)

It’s aerobatic! (all pose on the strong beat)

It’s part-aquatic! (all pose on the strong beat)

Why, it’s the Millennium Penguin!

(Nigel plays a sax solo as the crew move set pieces to create the front of the spaceship, then get into their riding positions preparing for take-off. The ship comprises a front bonnet with badge and number plate, behind which Zak holds a steering wheel, Ada holds up fluffy dice and Toby and Qwerty have a wing each. Luke and Nebula kneel in front with large torches as headlamps. In the chorus, Nigel operates the windscreen wipers. See production notes for more detail.)

ZAK: PACK YOUR BAGS, COME AND JUMP ON BOARD ‘COS I’M REVVING THE ENGINE AND READY TO ROLL! START IGNITION, WE’RE ON A MISSION, CREW: THE CAPTAIN IS IN CONTROL!

(The chorus enter singing and move to song positions.)

GROUP 1: DESTINATION A MILLION MILES AWAY…WAY GROUP 2: CELEBRATION FOR NOW WE’RE ON OUR WAY!

(In the chorus, the crew move their props in time with the two beats of their echoed lyrics “Space Trip”.)

ALL: WE’RE GOING ON A SPACE TRIP!

CREW: SPACE TRIP! ALL: SHINE LIKE A SHOOTING STAR, WE’RE HAVING A BALL! WE’RE ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP! ALL: BLAZING A TRAIL SO FAR, WE’RE GIVING OUR ALL! WE’RE ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP!



ALL: WONDER JUST WHERE WE ARE, BUT WE KNOW WE KNOW WE’LL NEVER, EVER STOP TILL THE END OF THE ROAD!

(Nigel plays his saxophone over the instrumental as the crew point at landmarks through the windscreen.)

ALL: HIT THE TRACK, THERE’S NO TURNING BACK SO LET’S GET INTO GEAR, GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD. TAKE A FLIGHT AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT WITH OUR SENSES ON OVERLOAD! GROUP 1: DESTINATION A MILLION MILES AWAY…WAY GROUP 2: CELEBRATION FOR NOW WE’RE ON OUR WAY! ALL: WE’RE GOING ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP! ALL: SHINE LIKE A SHOOTING STAR, WE’RE HAVING A BALL! WE’RE ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP! ALL: BLAZING A TRAIL SO FAR, WE’RE GIVING OUR ALL! WE’RE ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP! ALL: WONDER JUST WHERE WE ARE, BUT WE KNOW WE KNOW WE’LL NEVER, EVER STOP...

(The singing and dancing stops abruptly. A crossing patrol person enters with a STOP sign. A line of aliens walks across the stage in front of the crew, who look fed up with this interruption. The crossing patrol person twists the sign to read “Heavy Plant Crossing” as Ada crosses with Gordon. Over this we hear a radio traffic update.)

RADIO DJ: Here’s your rush-hour traffic update, folks! We’ve got a space jam on Intergalactic Highway 3 with tailbacks all the way to Junction 51. It’s booster to booster out there, folks, but drivers are urged to sit tight and stay calm - I said “stay calm”... (shouting) “stay calm!”



GROUP 1: DESTINATION A MILLION MILES AWAY…WAY GROUP 2: CELEBRATION FOR NOW WE’RE ON OUR WAY! ALL: WE’RE GOING ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP! ALL: SHINE LIKE A SHOOTING STAR, WE’RE HAVING A BALL! WE’RE ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP! ALL: BLAZING A TRAIL SO FAR, WE’RE GIVING OUR ALL! WE’RE ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP! ALL: WONDER JUST WHERE WE ARE, BUT WE KNOW WE KNOW WE’LL NEVER, EVER STOP TILL THE END OF THE ROAD… NO WE’LL NEVER-EVER, NEVER-EVER, NEVER-EVER… STOP TILL THE END OF THE ROAD... SPACE TRIP!

(The song ends on a final beat as the crew and chorus strike their end pose.

Blackout.)

TRACK 28: SPACE TRIP PLAY OFF

36 Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script Scene Two


SCENE TWO

(The Evil Umpire’s High Tower on Planet Wimbledonia. A sophisticated space station style interior. The plinth is set centre stage with a collection of tennis balls prominently displayed on the top. To one side Sira and Alexi stand still holding silver computer screen frames which they look through towards the audience. We hear familiar heavy breathing and The Umpire is revealed facing the back, centre stage, admiring his tennis ball galaxy display. Spocky, The Umpire’s first officer enters, concerned for The Umpire’s health.)

SPOCKY: Mr. Umpire, sir! Do you need medical assistance? Should I get your inhaler?

UMPIRE: Panic not, Spocky! I was just doing some sinister breathing! (turning to Sira and Alexi) Sira, Alexi! Give me an update.

SIRA: We’ve found another naughty Galaxy, sir!

ALEXI: Full of planets breaking your rules, sir!

UMPIRE: And what dark, dirty deeds have they done?

SIRA: Going to bed late! (Spocky gasps) Eating with their mouths full! (Spocky gasps)

ALEXI: Burping in public! (Spocky gasps) Not cleaning between their toes!

ALL: Yuk!

UMPIRE: These villains must be punished! I’ll shrink their galaxy and add it to my collection!

SIRA: Please explain again how you became The Umpire?

UMPIRE: Ah, you’re curious about my motivation and deepest desires?

ALEXI: No, but the audience need to understand the plot.

UMPIRE: ‘Tis a tragic tale! Abandoned as a child and raised by the Wombles of Wimbledonia, I built my High Tower and learned the dark side of The Sauce.

ALL: How?

UMPIRE: Years of contemplation, meditation… and a series of helpful YouTube videos.

SPOCKY: And now as The Umpire you ensure the universe plays by your rules.

UMPIRE: And those who break them pay the price. Whole galaxies punished, captured and shrunk to tiny spheres...

SPOCKY: Ta-da! (holding his hands out to the galaxy display)

UMPIRE: But wait - one is missing! Who’s been ball tampering? Summon my Racketeers! Beam them up, Spocky!

SPOCKY: All Racketeers on court!

TRACK 29: RACKETEER PLAY ON

Scene Two Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script 37


(The Racketeer Guards enter marching, armed with their spacey tennis racket blasters. They form a line and strike a cool pose with rackets above their heads on the last beat.)

SPOCKY: Racketeers, address yourselves to the court of The Umpire!

(Each stand to attention, salute and shout out their names.)

BORG: Borg!

BECKER: Becker!

VENUS: Venus!

GRAF: Graf!

MACK: Mack!

ROE: And Roe!

UMPIRE: Now, Racketeers, one of my balls has been stolen from right under my nose!

BORG: Why did you keep it under your nose?

UMPIRE: Not under my nose. Some thief has broken in!

SPOCKY: Impossible! I installed all the updates on my Security Computer.

BECKER: Maybe you left... “Windows” open!

(The Racketeers all laugh at Becker’s joke.)

SPOCKY: Or maybe a wee Racketeer left the key in the door! (The Racketeers gasp)

BORG: (pointing at Mack) Well, Mack shut the door!

BECKER: (pointing at Mack) And Mack got the key!

VENUS: (pointing at Mack) And Mack turned the key!

GRAF: (pointing at Mack) So Mack left the key in the door!

MACK: The key was out!

ROE: The key was in!

MACK: It was out!

ROE: It was in!

MACK: It was out!

ROE: It was in!

MACK: It was out

ROE: It was in!

UMPIRE: Mac and Roe!

MACK & ROE: Yes?

38 Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script Scene Two


UMPIRE: Stop arguing!

MACK & ROE: (shouting at Umpire with US accent and arm actions) You cannot be serious, man!

UMPIRE: The Umpire is always serious! Perhaps a demonstration of The Sauce will help...

TRACK 30: SFX SAUCY TICKLE

(The Umpire wiggles saucy fingers and remotely tickles the Racketeers who writhe & giggle as they shout.)

BORG: Not the tickling!

BECKER: Please!

VENUS: No!

GRAF: Stop!

MACK: Help!

ROE: We give in!

(The Umpire lowers his fingers and the tickling stops—the Racketeers catch their breath, relieved.)

UMPIRE: If you serve in The Umpire’s court, you play by my rules.

TRACK 31: SFX DOORBELL

SIRA: Three Space Rangers have landed, sir!

ALEXI: They bring news and crave an audience!

SPOCKY: Crave an audience?

UMPIRE: What do they think this is, a space musical? Beam them up, Spocky!

SPOCKY: Aye, aye, sir! (he hits a button on the plinth control panel)

TRACK 32: SFX TRANSPORTER BEAM #1

(We hear the transporter beam operate as lights flash. Eventually, we hear the visitors materialise and Space Rangers Roger, Over and Out enter.)

ROGER: We are Space Rangers from Star Command. Roger! (he salutes)

OVER: Over! (he salutes)

OUT: And Ouch! (he salutes and pokes himself in the eye) … I mean Out!

Scene Two Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script 39


UMPIRE: And what news do you bring, Space Rangers Roger, Over and Out?

ROGER: Rumours are rife of a revolting rebellion...

OVER: A rabble of revolting rebellious rebels...

OUT: Rallying, ready to rebel and revolt!

SPOCKY: A rebellion? What if they strike, your game-set-and-matchness?

UMPIRE: They can strike if they like, but be warned… The Umpire strikes back!


UMPIRE: (looking up and shouting) I said “The Umpire strikes back!”

ROGER: We also spotted someone on your wanted list!

OVER: That Princess Nebula and her rusty robot.

OUT: But they crashed into a small space station.

ROGER: I bet all that was left was that pretty sphere round her neck.

ALL: Sphere!

SPOCKY: So Princess Nebula pinched your ball!

UMPIRE: And you rotten Rangers let her go!

RANGERS: Sorry, Mr. Vampire!

UMPIRE: (rhythmically, stamping foot twice) Umpire! Umpire!

RANGERS: (rhythmically, doing a little dance) Stick it up your jumpire!

SPOCKY: Show some respect, or the Racketeers will throw you off the tower!

ROGER: You can’t do that!

OUT: We’re thirty feet up!

OVER: Higher!

OUT: (in a ridiculously high-pitched voice) We’re thirty feet up!

SPOCKY: We’re as high as a dead centipede.

RANGERS: A dead centipede?

SPOCKY: A hundred feet in the air!

UMPIRE: All is not lost, for I sense in The Sauce that Princess Nebula is…. alive!

ALL: Alive?

UMPIRE: And she carries the galaxy with her. I will offer a reward for her return.

RANGERS: Eh?

SPOCKY: He wants his Galaxy so he’s put a bounty on the princess.

ROGER: I hate Galaxies and Bounties.

OUT: I prefer a Wispy.

OVER: (correcting him) Wispa!

OUT: (whispering) I prefer a Wispy!

UMPIRE: (to Out) So, are you in?

40 Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script Scene Three


OUT: (pointing at himself) No, I’m Out, sir.

UMPIRE: (turning to Over) Well then, Roger - will you take on my mission?

OVER: (pointing to himself) No, it’s Over, sir.

UMPIRE: Over? It’s not even started!

SPOCKY: Space Rangers! This is an intergalactic emergency!

RANGERS: An intergalactic emergency?

ROGER: Well why didn’t you say so? Space Rangers, (dramatically, with a pose) to infinity…

OVER & OUT: (punching the air) …and a little bit further!

ROGER: You’ll have the princess and the Galaxy by the end of the show!

UMPIRE: And soon she’ll learn when you cross The Umpire…

ALL: ...The Umpire strikes back! (maniacally evil with raised arms) Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha… (a beat as they look at each other, before finishing with a final loud...) Ha!

(Fade to Blackout.)

TRACK 34: DOCTOR WOO’S SURGERY

SCENE THREE

(Deep Space. The Doctor opens the flap/window of his telephone box and pokes his head out looking for Ada.)

DOCTOR: Daft Ada? Daft Ada? I’ve something to return to you! Daft Ada? It’s the Doctor!

ALL: (poking heads on stage and shouting) The Doctor?

TRACK 35: DOCTOR DOCTOR

(The Trekkies enter and form a queue, each in turn asking Doctor Woo for medical help. They speak over a musical underscore. When they receive their punchline answer, they exit the opposite side allowing the next Trekkie to speak to the Doctor.)

COSMIC: Doctor Woo, Doctor Woo! I’ve swallowed a roll of film!

DOCTOR: Well, let me know what develops!

PHOTON: Doctor Woo, Doctor Woo! My eye hurts when I drink tea.

DOCTOR: You have to take the spoon out first!

ROMULAN: Doctor Woo, Doctor Woo! I think I’m an alarm clock.

DOCTOR: Just give me a ring in the morning.

QUASAR: Doctor Woo, Doctor Woo! I need something for wind.

Scene Four Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script 41


DOCTOR: Try a kite!

BUZZ: Doctor Woo, Doctor Woo! I think I’m turning into cheese biscuits!

DOCTOR: You’re crackers!

JAFFA: Doctor Woo, Doctor Woo! I keep seeing a cockroach on a ferris wheel!

DOCTOR: It’s just a nasty bug going round!

STELLA: Doctor Woo, Doctor Woo! I keep painting myself gold!

DOCTOR: It’s just a guilt complex!

FLASH: Doctor Woo, Doctor Woo! I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my nose!

DOCTOR: I’ve got some cream for that!

LUNA: Doctor Woo, Doctor Woo! My snoring keeps me awake!

DOCTOR: Sleep in another room then!

AURORA: Doctor Woo, Doctor Woo! I keep playing a flute to a dancing snake!

DOCTOR: Well that’s just charming!

(Fade out any remaining music.)

ALL: (poking heads on stage and shouting) Doctor Woo, Doctor Woo!

DOCTOR: Just shoo! I’m through! (he slams the flap/window shut)

(Blackout.)

SCENE FOUR

TRACK 36: GAME BATTLE

(Back on board The Millennium Penguin, we hear laser blasts as lights come up to reveal the crew fighting a space battle. They huddle behind the front bonnet of the ship, looking into the audience. Nigel & Zak are at the controls; Luke & Toby are giving advice and Qwerty is quaking with fear. They shout over the sound effects in desperation and panic.)

ZAK: Star fighters at four o’clock!

NIGEL: Lasers locked on target!

QWERTY: I can’t watch! I can’t watch!

LUKE: Look out behind you!

TOBY: Great Scott, they’re everywhere!

ZAK: Quick, reload and fire again!

NIGEL: We’re running out of fuel!

QWERTY: We’ll be vaporised for sure!

42 Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script Scene Four


LUKE: Watch out for that asteroid!

TOBY: Too late, we’re going to…

ALL: (terrified) Aagghh…!

(We hear a loud crash and explosion, then an 8-bit fanfare and a voice over announcing “Game Over!”)

VO: Game Over!

ALL: (disappointed) Ahhhh!

(Nebula and Ada enter the bridge in a panic.)

NEBULA: What’s happened?

QWERTY: Oh, it was dreadful, Miss!

TOBY: We were playing Super-Sonic-Space-Pac-Mario-Man-Invaders...

NIGEL: And Zak got us blown up! Again!

ZAK: Me?

ALL: (they shout at each other) Argue, argue, argue, argue, argue, argue, argue!

ADA: Stop arguing! We’ve got places to be!

NEBULA: Now, ignition on.

TRACK 37: SFX FLAT ENGINE

NIGEL: I think the phantom flagigator has discombobulated the dimorphic dribble duct.

ZAK: Is that difficult to fix?

NIGEL: No, but it’s difficult to say!

ZAK: We’ll have to go to the engine room and check under the bonnet.

NEBULA: I can help.

ZAK: Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. This is man’s work!

(Zak and the others exit, leaving an outraged Ada and Nebula. Nebula goes to look at the console.)

ADA: Man’s work?! That cosmic clot needs a great big boot up his...

(Nebula hits the console and the engines start)

TRACK 38: SFX ENGINE START



ADA: ...Nebula? How did you do that?

NEBULA: My parents taught me to be an independent princess. Oh, Ada, will I ever find them? Will I ever see them again? I miss them so much.

ADA: Of course you will. (She looks at the tiny space suit again) I miss my Diddy Denny Poos every day, but you have to hold on to your hope and your memories. Remember their message? You’ll always carry them with you.

NEBULA: You’re right, Ada. That’s why I wear this necklace - it reminds me of them, of home. Listen! Can you hear it? It’s the music. The music of my galaxy ….

TRACK 39: IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY

(Nebula sings her first verse thoughtfully.)

EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, I SEE YOU SHINING LIKE THE SUN A MILLION TINY STARS ALIGNING ONE BY ONE BY ONE. WHEREVER I GO, WHATEVER I DO I’LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU YOU ARE FOREVER IN MY HEART…

(As the beat gets louder, the chorus enter striding in time to the music and take up song positions.)

EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, I SEE YOU SHINING LIKE THE SUN A MILLION TINY STARS ALIGNING ONE BY ONE BY ONE. WHEREVER I GO, WHATEVER I DO I’LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU YOU ARE FOREVER IN MY HEART... ALL: IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY WE’RE GONNA RETURN THERE SOME DAY. TO THE WORLD WE REMEMBER, THE WORLD OF YESTERDAY. IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY. WE’LL SOON BE TOGETHER, WE PRAY AND FOREVER WE’LL STAY FAR, FAR AWAY! SPINNING THROUGH INFINITY, I HEAR YOU CALLING OUT MY NAME AND THOUGH I MISS YOUR GRAVITY MY TEARS FALL JUST THE SAME



EACH BEAT OF MY HEART THAT WE ARE APART IT FEELS LIKE ETERNITY WHEN I’M A MILLION MILES FROM HOME…

IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY WE’RE GONNA RETURN THERE SOME DAY. TO THE WORLD WE REMEMBER, THE WORLD OF YESTERDAY.

IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY. WE’LL SOON BE TOGETHER, WE PRAY AND FOREVER WE’LL STAY FAR, FAR AWAY!

(The chorus perform a seventies Abba-esque space age dance over the middle instrumental section.)

NEBULA: EACH BEAT OF MY HEART THAT WE ARE APART IT FEELS LIKE ETERNITY WHEN I’M A MILLION MILES FROM HOME…

(We briefly see Nebula’s parents Basil and Saffron appear in the shortest of dream sequences, as they approach Nebula and she reaches out to them. However, they exit before they can make contact and the chorus reassemble for a powerful final chorus.)

ALL: IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY WE’RE GONNA RETURN THERE SOME DAY. TO THE WORLD WE REMEMBER, THE WORLD OF YESTERDAY.

IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY. WE’LL SOON BE TOGETHER, WE PRAY AND FOREVER WE’LL STAY FAR, FAR AWAY!

AND FOREVER WE’LL STAY FAR, FAR AWAY!

(The song ends with chorus in a strong frozen pose.)

TRACK 40: FAR AWAY PLAY OFF

(The chorus exit as the rest of the crew enter and return to the bridge. The engine noises resume.)



LUKE: Nebula, we’re in terrible trouble!

ZAK: I’ve tried everything! The engines are completely dead!

TOBY: We’re stranded in space, light years from anywhere!

NIGEL: (dramatically) And we’re not even members of the AA!

QWERTY: (desperate) We’re doomed, Miss! Doomed!

ADA & NEBULA: (pointing at the Ship’s controls) Ahem!

ZAK: Hey! I must have fixed the engine without even knowing! Who’s a genius?

ALL: Zak Solo!


ALL: Not “sax solo”, Zak Solo!

NEBULA: Come on Ada, the boys obviously don’t need us! (Ada and Nebula exit)

ZAK: How about some in-flight entertainment?


QWERTY: R-U says he has just the thing. An ancient episode of “Life In Space”!

NIGEL: Oh, the alien wildlife documentary by David Atomsplitter!

ALL: David Atomsplitter? Wow!

QWERTY: Well what are you waiting for, R-U? Roll the film!

TRACK 43: SFX DAVID ATOMSPLITTER #1

(R-U plays the film. The lights change as the crew huddle together and stare into the audience as if watching the screen, unaware of Ada or her actions. We hear music and the familiar voice-over of David Atomsplitter.)

VO: Here, in the vast emptiness of space, we discover the universe’s most unusual alien life form. The Big Bottomed Booby Bird!

(Ada enters and struts around the stage with a feather duster, cleaning and picking up leftovers to nibble. Her movements are comical and exaggerated, and timed perfectly with the voice over narration.)

VO: She struts around her territory, cleaning, searching for food, and delicately preening herself.

(Ada scratches her bottom, then continues to dust whilst adjusting her hair.)



VO: Her bright plumage indicates this is a dominant female of maturing years. Soft, sagging and wrinkly, she appears easy prey.

(Ada accidentally drops her feather duster.)

VO: But thanks to a high fibre diet, she’s always able to deter her predators.

(Ada bends over to pick up the duster and lets rip.)

VO: When seeking a mate, nature has provided her with two huge advantages. Her unique natural scent…

(Ada sniffs each armpit.)

VO: ...and her distinct facial features...

(Ada produces a small hand mirror and checks her reflection.)

VO: ...reminiscent of a baboon’s bottom.

(Ada kisses her reflection, then continues to dust.)

VO: And for the first time, we’re lucky to hear this creature’s unique mating call.

ADA: (singing badly as she dusts) I want to break free…

ALL: (turning to her crossly with fingers on lips) Shhh!

VO: Sadly, this female cannot find a mate, and with a voice like that, I’m not surprised. But wait!

(Ada turns and points crossly at the others watching the film.)

VO: She’s noticed others in her nest.

(Ada walks slowly and menacingly in time with the music towards the others.)

VO: Keen to assert her role as the dominant female, she attacks and bites their heads off!

ADA: (shouting) Turn that rubbish off you lazy layabouts, before I….



TRACK 44: SFX POLICE SIRENS

(We see flashing blue and red lights and hear police sirens as Space Rangers Roger, Over and Out enter to one side and face the audience. They shout in an authoritative way.)

ROGER: This is the police! This is the police!

OVER: Stop your vehicle! Stop your vehicle!

OUT: Cardigan! Cardigan!

ROGER & OVER: What?

OUT: Cardigan! Cardigan! Oh, sorry. Pull over! Pull over!

(The Space Rangers freeze in position as the crew panic.)

ZAK: It’s the cops!

NIGEL: I was only doing thirty!

TOBY: Space Rangers? What do they want?

NEBULA: Me and Qwerty! They’ve found us!

QWERTY: I’ll be deactivated for sure!

LUKE: Quick, hide the droids!

ADA: And princess - you come with me!

TRACK 45: RANGERS PLAY ON

(Ada leads Nebula out and they exit. R-U is covered with a cosmic cloth and they disguise Qwerty as an old lady with a wig. The Space Rangers move to centre stage as if boarding the ship.)

ROGER: Space Rangers Roger! (he salutes)

OVER: Over! (he salutes)

OUT: And (he salutes and hits himself in the eye) Ouch! I mean Out!

ROGER: We’re on the hunt for two rebels!

OVER: A devious droid…

OUT: ...and a princess with a Mars Bar on her head.

OVER: It’s a bounty.

OUT: Oh yeah, sorry.

ROGER: Have you seen anyone acting suspiciously?

TOBY: To be honest, there’s been a lot of suspicious acting since the show started!



ROGER: (getting out the handheld control panel) Well let’s take some details. Who’s first?

OVER: A monkey wearing strange clothes.

ROGER: (typing on the handheld control panel) Address?

OUT: No, a sparkly sash.

ROGER: No, I mean address. Oh, never mind. Height?

OVER: Tall!

ROGER: (typing) Weight?

OVER: Wait for what, sir?

ROGER: Forget it, I’ll do it. (he gives the handheld control panel to Over) Description - furry face!

OVER: (typing) Furry face!

ROGER: Furry feet.

OVER: (typing) Furry feet.

ROGER: Big paws! (all hold breath & freeze, finger on lips) No, not big pause, I mean big paws!

ALL: (relaxing) Oh!

ROGER: And who owns this vehicle?

ALL: Zak Solo!


OVER: Cut it out, King Kong!

OUT: What do you think this is, a space musical?

ROGER: (noticing Qwerty) And what’s your name, madam?

QWERTY: (overly coy and ladylike) Anne.

ROGER: Anne what?

QWERTY: (unsure) Anne… droid?

ROGER: (taking the disguise and cloth off the droids) Aha! You devious droids!

OVER: We should charge you!

QWERTY: Yes please, my battery’s a bit flat!

OUT: We should take down your particulars and see your credentials!

TRACK 47: SFX JELLY MIND TRICK

TOBY: You don’t need to see his credentials

RANGERS: We don’t need to see his credentials.

TOBY: These are not the droids you’re looking for.



RANGERS: These are not the droids we’re looking for.

TOBY: You’ll move along now.

RANGERS: We’ll move along now.

TOBY: And as you go, you’ll do your special dance.

RANGERS: And as we go, we’ll do our special…

TRACK 48: AGGA DANCE

(We hear a boing as the Space Rangers suddenly come to their senses and realise what they’re saying.)

RANGERS: What?!

(A drumbeat starts, and the Space Rangers hypnotically begin dancing.)

TOBY: You heard! Now dance like the people on planet Agga do!

(The Space Rangers begin to sing as they dance with familiar actions.)

RANGERS: AGGA DO-DO-DO, PUSH THE HANDLE SHAKE THE SPOUT AGGA DO-DO-DO, SEE YA ROGER, OVER, OUT!

(The Space Rangers dance as they exit. The crew laugh.)

LUKE: How did you do that, Toby Wonky Nosebleed?

TOBY: The Sauce has a strong influence on really tiny brains.

(Ada enters singing and dancing, followed by Nebula.)

ADA: (singing and dancing badly) Agga do-do-do, push the handle shake the spout...

NEBULA: Good work, boys! We’ll make sure they’ve gone!

(Ada and Nebula exit following the Space Rangers.)

LUKE: (calling after them) Well don’t let those Space Rangers kidnap you on the way out.

QWERTY: Yes, that would be an awful thing to discover at the end of the scene.

NIGEL: And now at last we can get on our way without any more interruptions.



TRACK 49: DIDDLY INVASION

ALL: (pointing offstage and shouting in horror) Aliens! Aagghh!

(The Diddly Squits, an army of strange looking aliens, enter in single file with a funny walk and form a line. Commodore Nintendo leads, carrying a squitty squirter – a giant water pistol – and another carries a diddly joystick, a large soft mallet)

DIDDLY SQUITS: Diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly...

COMMODORE: (to Zak) Are you humanoid?

ZAK: Well I’m human and annoyed, so yes.

COMMODORE: Diddly Squits! Pass me the Humanoid Phrase Book.

DIDDLY SQUITS: Diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly...

(They pass the phrase book along the line, each saying “Diddly” as they do so.)

COMMODORE: (reading the book) We are Diddly Squits of Oxy Moron and we are spice evaders!

NIGEL: You mean space invaders?

DIDDLY SQUITS: (all nodding) Diddly, diddly, diddly!

COMMODORE: Insurance is fertile!

TOBY: Resistance is futile?


COMMODORE: We come on our floaty side-plate!

QWERTY: Flying saucer?


COMMODORE: Take me to your Simon Cowell!

LUKE: Leader! Take me to your “leader”.

COMMODORE: (checking phrase book) I seek word meaning pompous self-important bossy bloke.

LUKE: My mistake, you were right first time.

COMMODORE: Phrase book faulty. Must absorb language data for better communication.

TRACK 50: SFX ABSORBING DATA

(Nintendo puts a right finger in Qwerty’s ear and left finger up his own nose. The Diddly Squits all do this, joining up their line. They shake and make a funny noise as they absorb Qwerty’s data.)

DIDDLY SQUITS: (rubbing tummies) Yum, yum, yum!



QWERTY: Did you just eat all my data?

COMMODORE: No, we only had a few bytes! We are the Diddly Squits of Oxy Moron! I am Commodore Nintendo, Chief Squit, and these are my little Squirts.

(As they say their names, they give a Diddly Salute - wiggling fingers at their foreheads.)

AMIGA: Amiga!

ATARI: Atari!

SEGA: Sega!

SNEZ: Snez!

PONG: Pong!

KONG: Kong!

PIXEL: Pixel!

E.C.: E.C.!

ZAK: What’s E.C. short for?

AMIGA: So he can fit in the flying saucer!

ATARI: He’s addicted to doughnuts!

SEGA: So we call him E.C.!

SNEZ: The Extra Cholesterol!


NIGEL: But why do you need to invade? Don’t you have a planet of your own?

COMMODORE: Our planet Oxy Moron has vanished!

AMIGA: Oxy Moron was awfully nice!

ATARI: A beautiful wasteland!

SEGA: Of watery deserts!

SNEZ: Dry oceans!

PONG: Flat mountains!

KONG: Hilly plains!

PIXEL: Freezing heat waves!

E.C.: And boiling winters!

SNEZ: And we miss it... very much.

DIDDLY SQUITS: (crying, rubbing eyes) Diddly, diddly, diddly!

TOBY: The Sauce tells me The Umpire’s behind this.

LUKE: Why don’t you join us? We’re going to strike against The Umpire!

TOBY: Stop his evil plans!

ZAK: Save the universe!

NIGEL: And Oxy Moron, too!

ALL: What do you say?



DIDDLY SQUITS: (nodding) Diddly, diddly, diddly!

TRACK 51: SFX MESSAGE #2

QWERTY: R-U has received an urgent space message!

(The lights change as we see Nebula & Ada appear in a holographic space message to one side.)

NEBULA: Toby Wonky Nosebleed! We’ve been captured by the Space Rangers!

ADA: (tapping Nebula on the shoulder urgently) Nebula!

NEBULA: We’re aboard their ship on the way to Wimbledonia!


NEBULA: You must come and recue us!


NEBULA: Then we’ll raise a rebel army to strike against The Umpire!


NEBULA: Oh, yes, I think Ada has something very important to add…

ADA: (screaming) Heeeelllllpppppppp!

NEBULA: Was that it?

ADA: (calmly) Yes.

NEBULA: Help us, Toby Wonky Nosebleed, you’re our only hope!

(The lights change again and Ada and Nebula exit.)

QWERTY: Poor mistress Nebula!

TOBY: Great Scott! Luke, you must beam down to Planet Pilates and meet Lord Yoga alone.

NIGEL: We’ll follow the Space Rangers and meet you on Wimbledonia.

COMMODORE: And the Diddly Squits will help, too! Diddly Squits, prepare to drill!



TRACK 52: WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS

(The Diddly Squits march into their song line over the introduction and sing Diddly repeatedly.)

ALL: DIDDLY, DIDDLY, DIDDLY, DIDDLY… (ETC) WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS, YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS, YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS OF OXY-MORON! WONDERFULLY AWFUL AND AWFULLY NICE, WE LIKE TO WAFFLE WHEN BEING CONCISE! WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS, YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS, YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS OF OXY-MORON! SPACED OUT INVADERS, A TITLE THAT FITS! WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS!

(The Diddly Squits perform a comical dance and sing Diddly repeatedly.)

DIDDLY, DIDDLY, DIDDLY, DIDDLY… (ETC) WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS OF OXY-MORON! DOCTORESSED IN OUR SPLENDOUR, WE PROUDLY PARADE, TIME TO SURRENDER, WE’RE HERE TO INVADE! WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS OF OXY-MORON! LEAN ON YOUR LEADER UNTIL HE SUBMITS! WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS!

VO: Space Invaders ready!



(The Diddly Squits split into four groups and launch into an 8-bit Tetrisonic drill of actions and words. As each group performs their individual chant and actions, the others stand and move their heads from side to side. Each group’s actions are designed to link together comically when performed together. See Choreography DVD. The Diddly joystick is a large cartoon mallet which could be inflatable, made of sponge, or simply be a 2D cartoon cut out. This is used to gently ‘bonk’ the neighbouring Diddly Squit over the head.)

GROUP 1: Bonk the baddy, bonk the baddy, With my diddly joystick!

GROUP 2: Fire rockets, fire rockets, Fly the flying saucer

GROUP 3: Data error, data error, Switch off and reboot!

GROUP 4: Lasers left, lasers right, Squirt your squitty squirter!

VO: Space Invaders one more time!

(The groups repeat their words and actions, this time continuing to repeat each. The actions link together group by group causing comical mayhem.)

GROUP 1: Bonk the baddy, bonk the baddy, With my diddly joystick!

GROUP 2: Fire rockets, fire rockets, Fly the flying saucer

GROUP 3: Data error, data error, Switch off and reboot!

GROUP 4: Lasers left, lasers right, Squirt your squitty squirter!

ALL: WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS, YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS, YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS OF OXY-MORON!

WONDERFULLY AWFUL AND AWFULLY NICE, WE LIKE TO WAFFLE WHEN BEING CONCISE!

WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS, YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS, YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS OF OXY-MORON!

Scene Five Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script 55


SPACED OUT INVADERS, A TITLE THAT FITS! WE ARE THE DIDDLY MARTIANS WITH GLITZ! WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS! WE ARE THE DIDDLY - WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS!

(The song ends with the Diddly Squits in a suitably alien pose. Blackout.)

TRACK 53: DIDDLY SQUIT PLAY OFF

SCENE FIVE

(The Evil Umpire’s High Tower on Planet Wimbledonia. Spocky McSpock addresses the line of Racketeers, who are stood to attention.)

SPOCKY: Racketeers, The Umpire’s cross, so you better behave yourselves!

RACKETEERS: Yes, Mr. McSpock!

SPOCKY: I don’t want to see any lip!

TRACK 54: LIP HIDE

(Over 6 beats the Racketeers in turn put hands over mouths to hide their lips.)

SPOCKY: And I don’t want to see any cheek!

TRACK 55: CHEEK HIDE & UMPIRE PLAY ON

(Over 5 beats the Racketeers in turn put hands on cheeks. On the final beat, Mac & Roe turn around, bend over and cover their rears with their hands. The Umpire enters dramatically during his play on music.)

UMPIRE: Sira! Alexi! Give me an update!

SIRA: The Space Rangers have just landed, sir.

ALEXI: But they’ve been followed by The Millennium Penguin!

UMPIRE: A rebel ship! We must capture it! Activate the tractor beam!

TRACK 56: SFX TRACTOR BEAM #1

(We hear farmyard noises.)

56 Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script Scene Five


UMPIRE: What was that?

SPOCKY: There’s something wrong with the tractor beam!

BORG: Must have a flat tyre.

UMPIRE: Then we must jam their communications!

BECKER: But we’ve run out of jam sir.

VENUS: We’ve got some secret marmalade!

RACKETEERS: Secret marmalade?

GRAF: Yes, but don’t spread it!

TRACK 57: SFX TRACTOR BEAM #2

(We hear the Tractor beam start up again.)

SIRA: Tractor beam reactivated, sir!

ALEXI: Rebel Ship captured, sir.

UMPIRE: Racketeers, go and throw the rebels in the dungeon with the other prisoners.

RACKETEERS: Yes Sir!

TRACK 58: RACKETEER PLAY OFF

(The Racketeers exit. The Space Rangers enter.)

ROGER: Space Rangers Roger!

OVER: Over

OUT: And (he salutes and hits himself in the eye) Ouch! I mean Out!

ROGER: We return with Princess Nebula!

OVER: And the Dairy Milk. I mean Galaxy!

OUT: And we’ve thrown in a mad old bat as a freebie!

UMPIRE: Excellent! No one can beat me! I, the mighty Umpire, the most serious and respected genius, the most awesome, heavy-breathing, death defying champion of Wimbledonia...

SPOCKY: We’re running a bit late, sir! Perhaps you could just skip to the evil laugh?

UMPIRE: Oh, very well.

ALL: (maniacally evil with raised arms) Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha… (a beat as they look at each other, before finishing with a final loud...) Ha!

(Blackout.)

Scene Six Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script 57


TRACK 59: PLANET PILATES

SCENE SIX

(Planet Pilates in the Tai Chi System. The home of Lord Yoga, wise and ancient Jelly Nit and master of The Sauce. The lights brighten to reveal a group of young apprentices meditating to relaxing music.)

APPRENTICES: (with closed eyes and meditative fingers) Hmmmmm…

ANNE: (clapping her hands) Apprentices, Lord Yoga will see you now!

TRACK 60: YOGA PLAY ON

(Lord Yoga enters importantly and takes a central position ready to address his apprentices, who stand and bow solemnly.)

ALFIE: Lord Yoga, your apprentices have assembled in the boardroom as requested.

YOGA: Much obliged I am, Anne Dromeda and Alfie Centauri! So, young hopefuls, apprentices you wish to be.

APPRENTICES: Yes, Lord Yoga!

YOGA: Learn, you would, the ways of The Sauce.


YOGA: And, like me, a powerful Jelly Nit become.


YOGA: Well, a bunch of spaced out Space Cadets you are! Failed did you, your Saucy SATs! Most disappointed am I.

APPRENTICES: Sorry, Lord Yoga!

AXE: We are lumps of clay, Lord Yoga.

BAX: You are the master potter, Lord Yoga.

CRAX: Moulding and shaping us, Lord Yoga.

YOGA: Yes - potty you are, glazed you look and fired you will be!


YOGA: A final chance you have. Perhaps one of you lumps of clay will surprise me and a Martian Urn become.

DRAX: What’s a Martian Urn?

YOGA: About fifty quid a week. Now into squatting poodle and give me some ‘ums!’


FAX: Thank you for the opportunity Lord Yoga.

58 Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script Scene Six


(The Apprentices exit.)

ANNE: A brand new candidate has just beamed down by teleport, Lord Yoga.

ALFIE: (calling off) Apprentice, come through to the boardroom - Lord Yoga will see you now!

(Luke enters holding medium Gordon the pot plant puppet.)

YOGA: Come in you must! Lord Yoga I am, and most welcome you are.

LUKE: (confused) Oh, er... you.. thank.. much.. very… I do... I think.

YOGA: On a quest you are, young Warmwater. The Umpire you seek! Rescue your friends you must! Save the universe you would!

LUKE: How do you know my name and the entire plot of the show?

YOGA: Know much, I do, for it is written… (finger wiggle)


YOGA: ...in the stars!

ANNE: (looking in the newspaper) Oh yes! Sagittarius - today you’ll meet a boy called Warmwater!

ALFIE: He seeks The Umpire, wants to rescue his friends and save the universe!

ANNE: (continuing to read) Lucky number forty-two, beware of walking under ladders and pot-plants called Gordon.


(Yoga strokes Gordon with a finger and Gordon bites it.)

YOGA: (removing his finger in pain) Wise advice they give.

LUKE: Between you and me, I think Gordon is feeling a little off colour.

YOGA: Between you and me, I think Gordon is… (Gordon wilts and flops lifelessly)

TRACK 63: SFX GORDON FLOP

YOGA: ...dead!

LUKE: Dead? Oh, Aunt Ada’s going to go mad. Well, madder than she already is. I was supposed to look after him. (shaking Gordon) Gordon, talk to me!

YOGA: Despair not, young Warmwater. Bring back Gordon we can.



(Yoga places Gordon on the hollow plinth at one side of the stage and covers him with the cosmic cloth.)

LUKE: But that’s impossible.

YOGA: Nothing impossible is when the power of The Sauce you have. Strong The Sauce is, with a light side and dark side holding everything together.

LUKE: Like Gaffa Tape?

YOGA: Exactly! Behold, The Sauce!

(Anne and Alfie solemnly carry a giant bottle of Sauce to Yoga. It is like Heinz ketchup, but bright green.)

LUKE: Lord Yoga, it’s glorious! It’s ginormous! It’s...green!

YOGA: Ah, many forms The Sauce takes, young Warmwater. Jelly Nit Master Heinz - discover he did, fifty-seven varieties!

TRACK 64: SQUEEZE THE SAUCE

(The chorus gather round Yoga and Luke as he begins to speak.)

YOGA: Apprentices, gather round you must and understand better you will!

FLOWING THROUGH THE GALAXY INSIDE OF YOU AND ME YOU’LL FIND A…

ALL: (shouted) What?

MIGHTY UNIVERSAL FORCE!

ALL: (shouted) Tell me more!

YOGA: ANYTHING IMPOSSIBLE IS POSSIBLE OF COURSE WHEN YOU – CHORUS: LEARN TO SQUEEZE THE SAUCE! ALL: (SQUEEZE THE SAUCE!) YOGA: I DON’T MEAN KETCHUP, GRAVY, HOLLANDAISE, NO MUSTARD, MINT OR MAYONNAISE, TABASCO, BROWN OR BOLOGNESE, THEY DON’T HAVE THE FORCE.

60 Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script Scene Six


ANYTHING IMPOSSIBLE IS POSSIBLE OF COURSE WHEN YOU CHORUS: LEARN TO SQUEEZE THE SAUCE! ALL: (SQUEEZE THE SAUCE!)

(shouted) Here we go!

(All dance and clap into new positions over the brief instrumental.)

ALL: FLOWING THROUGH THE GALAXY INSIDE OF YOU AND ME YOU’LL FIND A… MIGHTY UNIVERSAL FORCE! ANYTHING IMPOSSIBLE IS POSSIBLE OF COURSE WHEN YOU - LEARN TO SQUEEZE THE SAUCE! (SQUEEZE THE SAUCE!) I DON’T MEAN KETCHUP, GRAVY, HOLLANDAISE, NO MUSTARD, MINT OR MAYONNAISE, TABASCO, BROWN OR BOLOGNESE, THEY DON’T HAVE THE FORCE. ANYTHING IMPOSSIBLE IS POSSIBLE OF COURSE WHEN YOU - LEARN TO SQUEEZE THE SAUCE! (SQUEEZE THE SAUCE!)

(Luke approaches Yoga and speaks with him whilst the chorus gather round.)

LUKE: So, tell me, Lord Yoga, can I learn to squeeze The Sauce?

YOGA: Ah, learn you must, young Warmwater, and learn you will!

(The chorus lean in and clap as Yoga performs his explanatory rap.)

YOGA: APPRENTICES CROSS GALAXIES THEY WANT TO SEIZE MY EXPERTISE

AND FOLK LIKE THESE CRY “YOGA, PLEASE, ALL: (shouted) WE WANT TO SQUEEZE THE SAUCE!” YOGA: LIKE ONE, TWO, THREES, AND “ABC”S YOU’LL LEARN WITH EASE, IT’S JUST A BREEZE SO BEND YOUR KNEES AT TEN DEGREES ALL: (shouted) AND TRY TO SQUEEZE THE SAUCE!

(Yoga instructs his apprentices who bend knees, clench their fists & groan as they squeeze on command.)



YOGA: Now squeeze!

ALL: (squeezing) Ugh!

YOGA: Just squeeze!

ALL: (louder) Ugh!

YOGA: Yes squeeze!

ALL: (a big, long final squeeze) Uuggghhh!

(As they perform the final long squeeze, all stare at Gordon on the plinth. Whilst hidden beneath the cloth during the song he has been exchanged for the large Gordon pot plant puppet which now comes to life and is revealed as the cloth falls away.)

YOGA: Succeed you did!

ALL: Hooray!

(All cheer, dance and clap into new positions over the brief instrumental. Gordon dances and sings along on his plinth.)

ALL: FLOWING THROUGH THE GALAXY INSIDE OF YOU AND ME YOU’LL FIND A… MIGHTY UNIVERSAL FORCE! ANYTHING IMPOSSIBLE IS POSSIBLE OF COURSE WHEN YOU - LEARN TO SQUEEZE THE SAUCE! (SQUEEZE THE SAUCE!) I DON’T MEAN KETCHUP, GRAVY, HOLLANDAISE, NO MUSTARD, MINT OR MAYONNAISE, TABASCO, BROWN OR BOLOGNESE, THEY DON’T HAVE THE FORCE. ANYTHING IMPOSSIBLE IS POSSIBLE OF COURSE WHEN YOU - LEARN TO SQUEEZE THE SAUCE! (SQUEEZE THE SAUCE!)

(The chorus split into three groups to sing their individual repeated phrases.)

GROUP 1: NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE IF YOU JUST SQUEEZE THE SAUCE!

GROUP 2: SQUEEZE IT! YOU JUST SQUEEZE IT! BEND YOUR KNEES AND...

GROUP 3: FEEL THE FORCE WHEN YOU SQUEEZE THE SAUCE!

ALL: WHEN YOU LEARN TO SQUEEZE THE SAUCE! OH…. YEAH!



(All end in a collapsed saucy dollop on the floor except for Yoga, who holds The Sauce bottle aloft. Blackout.)

TRACK 65: SAUCE PLAY OFF

SCENE SEVEN

TRACK 66: FAR, FAR AWAY REPRISE

(Deep in The Umpire’s dungeon on Wimbledonia, Nebula, Ada and the Trekkies are imprisoned. A cell door stands to one side of the stage, with a small hatch in it. Nebula looks at her necklace and listens as it plays a music box melody and she begins to sing. Ada and the Trekkies are gathered around her looking wistful.)

NEBULA: EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, I SEE YOU SHINING LIKE THE SUN A MILLION TINY STARS ALIGNING ONE BY ONE BY ONE. WHEREVER I GO, WHATEVER I DO I’LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU YOU ARE FOREVER IN MY HEART… IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY WE’RE GONNA RETURN THERE SOME DAY. TO THE WORLD WE REMEMBER, THE WORLD OF YESTERDAY. IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY. WE’LL SOON BE TOGETHER, WE PRAY AND FOREVER WE’LL STAY FAR, FAR AWAY! AND FOREVER WE’LL STAY FAR, FAR AWAY!

(The song ends gently, and all look out sadly into the audience. Ada begins to sob hysterically.)

COSMIC: What’s wrong, Ada?

ADA: Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just missing my little Lukey. You know, I even miss all his homemade robots.

COSMIC: Remember the sat-nav robot that kept going the wrong way?

ADA: R-2 Detour!

PHOTON: And the invisible robot we could never find?

Scene Seven Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script 63


ADA: Far-2-C-Thru! (she sobs loudly)

ROMULAN: Don’t cry Ada. I dream one day we’ll all find a new home.

QUASAR: We’ll live in a beautiful land!

BUZZ: A paradise of perfect streets.

JAFFA: Perfect houses.

STELLA: Where everyone’s happy, wealthy and content!

ADA: [LOCAL AFFLUENT AREA]

(A hatch window in the cell door opens and Luke and large Gordon pop their heads through.)

LUKE: Daft Ada! Nebula!

ALL: Luke!

ADA: And Gordon! You’re enormous! (she strokes Gordon who snaps at her fingers)


LUKE: The others are next-door. The Racketeers left the key in the door but it’s stuck!

NEBULA: Great, it’s a broken keyboard situation!

ALL: Broken keyboard situation?

COSMIC: The Umpire’s lost control…

PHOTON: The key won’t shift…

ROMULAN: We can’t escape…

QUASAR: And we’ll never return!

LUKE: That’s it! I’ll hack the door’s computer code.

ADA: Luke’s the biggest computer geek in the universe!

LUKE: Oh no, there’s two keyboards! I could do with a little dongle!

ADA: You should have gone before you came.

NEBULA: Surely a geek like you can use two keyboards at the same time! (she mimes typing on two keyboards with separate hands)

LUKE: (pointing at Nebula) That’s stereotyping! And I don’t even know the last number!

NEBULA: Well what’s The Umpire’s favourite number?

ADA: Ten is! Ten is! Tennis! Do you get it? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha… (she has hysterics)

LUKE: (shouting crossly) Daft Ada!

NEBULA: Yes?

LUKE: (gleefully) You’re a genius!

64 Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script Scene Seven


TRACK 68: MARCH OF THE REBELS

(Luke types the last two numbers and we hear the door unlock. It opens and all cheer.)

ALL: Hooray!

(The chorus get into song positions and are joined by the other prisoners including Toby, Zak, Nigel and Qwerty.)

ALL: WE ARE ALL, WE ARE ONE, THE REBELLION’S BEGUN AND A NEW HOPE IS DAWNING AS BRIGHT AS THE SUN!

WAGING WAR IN THE STARS FOR THE FUTURE IS OURS! WITH THE FORCE OF THE SAUCE... WE’LL WIN!

TOBY: THERE’S A LIGHT TO DISCOVER IN THE DARKNESS THERE’S A LIGHT TO UNCOVER THAT’LL SHOW US THE WAY THERE’S A TOMORROW WHERE WE WANT TO GO SO WE’LL OVERCOME THE NIGHT SOME DAY!



TOBY: MARCHING ON, WE ARE BOLDLY GOING FORWARD MARCHING ON, WE ARE FIGHTING AT THE FINAL FRONTIER MARCHING OUR WAY THROUGH TO THE JOYOUS DAY WHEN THE UNIVERSE IS FREE FROM FEAR!



Scene Eight Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script 65


(A lighting change as the music quietens. The chorus kneel on one knee, with hand on heart, as Toby delivers a dramatically rousing war speech.)

TOBY: (spoken in Churchillian style) Like space heroes before us, we face our darkest hour. Flash Gordon, Captain Kirk… Wallace and Grommit! Now we share their glorious goal - to save the universe before the final credits roll! We’ll win, someday…

ALL: SOMEDAY! WE ARE ALL, WE ARE ONE, THE REBELLION’S BEGUN AND A NEW HOPE IS DAWNING AS BRIGHT AS THE SUN! WAGING WAR IN THE STARS FOR THE FUTURE IS OURS! WITH THE FORCE OF THE SAUCE WE’LL WIN! WITH THE FORCE OF THE SAUCE WE’LL WIN!

(The song ends triumphantly and all stand to attention and salute. Blackout.)

TRACK 69: UNDERGROUND #1

SCENE EIGHT

(The underground tunnels of Wimbledonia. There is a sign saying “Way Out This Way”. The Space Rangers are stood separately stage right, centre and left looking into the audience, communicating with each other through their radios. Roger has a large pair of binoculars and Out has a tiny pair of flared trousers.)

OVER: Come in, Roger and Out. Over!

OUT: Roger, Over. This is Out. Over!

OVER: Roger, Out. Where’s Roger, Out? Over!

OUT: Roger’s out, Over. Over!

ROGER: Don’t tell Over I’m out, Out. I’m over here, Out. Over!

OUT: Roger, Roger. Sorry, Over! Roger’s not out, he’s over there, Over. Over!

OVER: Roger, Out! Roger, Roger!

OVER & OUT: Over and Out, over and out!

(The Space Rangers turn and walk to meet each other centre stage.)

66 Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script Scene Eight


ROGER: This is ridiculous! Guys, can I be frank?

OVER: No!

OUT: That would just get confusing.

ROGER: Listen, the prisoners have escaped down here in the Wimbledonia underground. We must find The Umpire. Over, you’ll need to use these. (hands binoculars to Over)

OVER: Why?

ROGER: It’s a funny prop and we haven’t used it yet!

TRACK 70: SFX BINOCULARS

OVER: Sir! I can see The Umpire and his Racketeers! Cooee! Mr Umpire!

ROGER: He can’t hear you, Over.

OUT: He’s probably having a sleep, Over.

OVER: A sleepover? (shouting at The Umpire) Why didn’t you invite me, you selfish Umpire!

ROGER: Give over, Over.

OUT: You can’t push The Umpire, Over!

ROGER: You’ll make him cross, Over!

OUT: He’ll flip, Over!

ROGER: He’s got rules you can’t bend, Over!

OUT: So, use a polite voice, Over!

(A voice-over begins and the Space Rangers look up to see where the sound is coming from.)


VO: These unusual space rangers are unique in the universe, managing to go about their daily lives without a single brain cell!

OVER: (looking up) Oi, David Atomsplitter! What are you doing?


VO: Oh, I am sorry, I thought you said “voice-over”!

ROGER: We must get The Umpire’s attention. Have we got the emergency flares?

OUT: (holding up a tiny pair of flared trousers) Yes, but they don’t fit me anymore!

ROGER: Just send a radio distress call!



OUT: Right! (into radio, waving big arms above his head) Bank Holiday! Bank Holiday!

ROGER: It’s Mayday! Mayday!

OUT: Oh, sorry. (waving big arms again) Mayday! Mayday!

OVER: (looking through binoculars) They’re not responding on this frequency, sir.

ROGER: Try using shortwave!

OUT: (doing tiny waves with arms tucked in tightly) Mayday! Mayday!

OVER: (looking through binoculars) They’re still not responding sir.

ROGER: We’ll have to tell them in person! (spotting the sign) Oh, look, way out this way!

ALL: Let’s go! (They all exit in the direction of the arrow)


(Yoga enters, followed by Anne, Alfie and the Apprentices.)

ANNE: Lord Yoga, what are we doing here?

YOGA: Assemble we must for the final scene... I mean battle!

ALFIE: But we’re lost in the Wimbledonia underground.

YOGA: Then use The Sauce we should to show the way. Apprentices, squeeze hard you must!

APPRENTICES: Yes, Lord Yoga! (they bend their knees and squeeze loudly) Uugghh!

TRACK 74: SFX SAUCE SQUEEZE

ANNE: (spotting the sign) It worked Lord Yoga! (the squeezing stops) a sign has magically appeared!

ALFIE: Look, way out this way!



(Zak creeps on, followed by Nigel who is playing the Saxophone. They are followed by Qwerty and R-U.)

ZAK: Nigel, quit the Saxophone. You’ll alert you know who.

QWERTY: You mean...

NIGEL: (posing) The Evil Umpire!



TRACK 76: DAN DAN DAN #1

(Qwerty lifts R-U’s head dome to release a dramatic set of chords.)

ZAK: What did you say?

NIGEL: Just then?

QWERTY: You mean…




ZAK: Nigel! I’m the cool one. I get to say the dramatic bits!

NIGEL: Dramatic bits?

QWERTY: You mean…




ZAK: You’re doing this on purpose, you infuriating fur ball! I want to say that bit.

NIGEL: Oh, go on then. You mean…

ZAK: (posing) The Evil Umpire! (he stares at daydreaming Qwerty and coughs) Ahem!

QWERTY: Oh, I’m terribly sorry, sir, I was light-years away.



ZAK: Now, where are we?

NIGEL: R-U, scan the area!


QWERTY: No signs of intelligent life and very little atmosphere!



ZAK: We must be in [LOCAL TOWN]!

NIGEL: (spotting the sign and pointing at it) Oh look! Way out this way!



(Toby enters followed by Nebula and Luke.)

TOBY: Wimbledonia! I’ve never found a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. And I’ve been to [LOCAL AREA]! (holding his head and crying out in comical pain) Agh!

NEBULA: Toby Wonky Nosebleed, what is it?

LUKE: Is The Umpire near?

TOBY: Not only is he near, I know what he’s getting for Christmas.

NEBULA & LUKE: How?

TOBY: I felt his presence! And talking of presents, here’s one for each of you!

TRACK 82: SFX BLING BLADES

(Toby hands Nebula and Luke a bling blade.)

NEBULA & LUKE: (trying them out) Wow!

TOBY: These are bling blades, weapons of a Jelly Nit. (dramatic) Deadly... powerful... (excited) and great fun at discos.

NEBULA: They must be powered by a form of thermo-activated dilithium crystals!

TOBY: No, double-A batteries.

(On the sound cue, Nebula and Luke deactivate their bling blades.)

LUKE: Thanks, Toby Wonky Nosebleed! These bling blades are going to be real life savers!


(shouting over the alarm, looking up) I said “Life savers! Life savers!”

NEBULA: (spotting the sign and pointing at it) Oh look! Way out this way!





(Ada enters followed by the Trekkies. Photon is carrying large Gordon.)

COSMIC: I hope we find the way out soon.

ADA: Me too, I need to boldly go where no man has gone before.

ALL: Where?

ADA: (crossing her legs, looking desperate) The ladies!

PHOTON: (holding Gordon) Can’t you carry Gordon, Ada?

ROMULAN: (pointing at Gordon) Yes, he keeps biting us.


(Romulan screams as Gordon viciously snaps.)

ADA: Don’t worry, I’m the First Aider.

QUASAR: You’re the only Ada.

ADA: I mean I’m trained in first aid, second aid, Lucozade and mouth to mouth assassination.

BUZZ: You mean respiration.

JAFFA: You haven’t smelt her breath!

ADA: Whatever your injuries, Daft Ada will kiss it better!

STELLA: (holding up a sore thumb) My poor thumb!

ADA: Ada’ll kiss it better!

AURORA: (rubbing a sore tummy) My poor tum!

ADA: Ada’ll kiss it better!

FLASH: (rubbing rear) My poor b….!

ADA: (quickly interrupting and pointing) First aid kit’s over there!

LUNA: (spotting the sign and pointing at it) Oh look! Way out this way!



(The Diddly Squits enter in alien fashion, and line up centre stage.)

DIDDLY SQUITS: Diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly…

COMMODORE: Diddly Squits, halt!

DOCTOR: Oh hello, there! I’m the Doctor! I’ve been trying to find Daft Ada! You haven't seen her, have you?



COMMODORE: No, the Diddly Squits are invading Wimbledonia!

DIDDLY SQUITS: (nodding heads happily) Diddly, diddly, diddly!

AMIGA: But we can’t find the exit.

DIDDLY SQUITS: (shaking heads sadly) Diddly, diddly, diddly!

DOCTOR: But you have a Squitty Squirter. You can just fire it at this wall and make a hole!

DIDDLY SQUITS: (pointing and nodding) Diddly, diddly, diddly!

COMMODORE: (pointing at the audience) You want us to fire the squirter there?

DIDDLY SQUITS: (pointing and nodding) Diddly, diddly, diddly!

DOCTOR: Yes, it’ll be fine! It’s just an invisible fourth wall!

COMMODORE: (pointing at the audience) But if we fire the squitty squirter there, won’t that make everybody...

DOCTOR: Trust me, I’m a doctor. Ready? One… two… three...

(Commodore aims the squirter at the audience and all lean it to watch the results gleefully, rubbing their hands in anticipation.)

ATARI: (spotting the sign and pointing at it) Oh look! Way out this way!

ALL: Let’s go! (they all exit in the direction of the arrow, squirting the audience as they leave)

DIDDLY SQUITS: Diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly…


(The Racketeers enter marching and chanting, led by Spocky.)

RACKETEERS: Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!

(The Racketeers come to a halt, but Mack and Roe turn to each other and start arguing again, in time to the previous chant.)

MACK: In!

ROE: Out!

MACK: In!

ROE: Out!

MACK: In!

ROE: Out!

MACK: In!

ROE: Out!



SPOCKY: Mac and Roe, stop arguing! I told you before - both types of belly button are lovely!

MACK & ROE: (shouting at Spocky with US accent and arm actions) You cannot be serious, man!

SPOCKY: (spotting the exit sign) This is serious! The rebels have escaped! We’re doomed!

(The Umpire enters suddenly and dramatically.)

UMPIRE: Doomed?! Spocky, I find your lack of faith disturbing! I’ll win the game; my trap is set, and they’ll meet their match! (he walks over to the exit sign) You see, they think they’ve found the way out! But no!

SPOCKY: No?

RACKETEERS: No?

UMPIRE: Yes! No! They’re heading for…


(The Umpire spins the sign revealing an identical sign this time reading “The Umpire’s Treacherous Trap!”)

ALL: The Umpire’s Treacherous Trap! (maniacally evil with raised arms) Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha… (a beat as they look at each other, before finishing with a final loud...) Ha!

(Blackout.)

TRACK 89: TREACHEROUS TRAP

Scene Nine Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script 73


SCENE NINE

TRACK 90: THE UMPIRE STRIKES BACK

(In the High Tower all are under armed guard by the Racketeers. A spotlight reveals The Umpire centre stage, facing the back heavy breathing. He turns to perform his opening speech in time to the music.)

UMPIRE: (spoken) It’s astounding you think that you’ll win!

It’s madness that it’s your goal!

You’re deluded - but not for very much longer -

The Umpire is in control! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(The Racketeers play rock guitars on their rackets as The Umpire walks forward.)

UMPIRE: IN THE COURT OF THE MIGHTY UMPIRE EVERY PLAYER BOWS THE KNEE LIKE THE DARKEST DEMON VAMPIRE LOVE MEANS NOTHING TO ME!

YOU ARE FIGHTING A PHANTOM MENACE SET THE RULES AND OVERSEE YOU MAY BEAT NADAL AT TENNIS BUT I BET THAT YOU’VE ALL: MET YOUR MATCH IN ME!

ALL: YOU’LL NEVER WIN AGAINST THE UMPIRE LUCK IS OUT SO GIVE RIGHT IN YOU’LL NEVER WIN AGAINST THE UMPIRE GOT NO CLOUT, YOU’VE GOT NO SPIN! YOU’LL NEVER WIN AGAINST THE UMPIRE YOU CAN STRIKE IF YOU LIKE - BUT WE’RE GONNA STRIKE BACK!

(The Racketeers play rock guitars on their rackets again as The Umpire struts the stage.)

ALL: WHEN YOU’RE SERVING THE MIGHTY UMPIRE LIFE’S A GAME AND YOU’RE THE SPORT PLAY WITH HIM, YOU PLAY WITH FIRE WHEN THE BALL’S IN HIS COURT!

EVERY VICTORY BY A LANDSLIDE NUMBER ONE IN OUTER SPACE HE’S THE MASTER OF THE DARK SIDE TAKES ADVANTAGE AND NOW HE HOLDS THE ACE!

74 Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back – Script Scene Nine


YOU’LL NEVER WIN AGAINST THE UMPIRE LUCK IS OUT SO GIVE RIGHT IN YOU’LL NEVER WIN AGAINST THE UMPIRE GOT NO CLOUT, YOU’VE GOT NO SPIN! YOU’LL NEVER WIN AGAINST THE UMPIRE YOU CAN STRIKE IF YOU LIKE - BUT WE’RE GONNA STRIKE BACK!

(A dramatic operatic interlude now follows in which the chorus perform a tennis-flavoured ballet.)

ALL: YOU’LL NEVER WIN AGAINST THE UMPIRE LUCK IS OUT SO GIVE RIGHT IN YOU’LL NEVER WIN AGAINST THE UMPIRE GOT NO CLOUT, YOU’VE GOT NO SPIN! YOU’LL NEVER WIN AGAINST THE UMPIRE YOU CAN STRIKE IF YOU LIKE - BUT WE’RE GONNA STRIKE BACK! THE UMPIRE’S GONNA STRIKE BACK!

(At the end of the song, The Umpire approaches Luke and Nebula.)

UMPIRE: You see, young rebels. You’ll never win - you mark my words!

LUKE: Three out of ten!

NEBULA: We don’t need to win, we just don’t want to play anymore.

LUKE: We’re shutting you down and going home!

UMPIRE: Not so fast!

LUKE: (in slow motion) We’re shutting you down and going home!

UMPIRE: Come over to the dark side of The Sauce! The Dark Sauce is strongest!

NEBULA: Never! The Light Sauce is kinder, fairer…

LUKE: ...and far less calories!

UMPIRE: Prove it! A battle of bottles, sauce on sauce?

NEBULA: I relish it!

SPOCKY: The Wimbledonia Final on Centre Court.

LUKE: Let play commence!

TRACK 91: WIMBLEDONIA FINAL



(A choreographed slow-motion tennis battle follows between The Umpire, Nebula & Luke. Each use their bling blades to play as a giant tennis ball is animated slowly from side to side by a Trekkie. The crowd watch transfixed, following the giant tennis ball from side to side as spectators always do. After a rally, The Umpire wins the point and celebrates as the music ends. Ada marches into the centre with the bottle of Sauce and shouts to stop the match which brings everyone out of slow motion into normal speed.)

ADA: Stop!

UMPIRE: Who’s this woman in the middle of my court?

SPOCKY: (pointing) She must be... Annette!

ADA: No, I’m Ada Elbow! Daft Ada! And as for you, you remind me of this sauce.

UMPIRE: Strong, powerful and mysterious?

ADA: No, sticky, smelly and thick!

TRACK 92: SAUCY SPRINKLE

(Ada shakes The Sauce above The Umpire’s head and a fountain of green glittering confetti pours out over The Umpire’s head. The Umpire sways from the magical effects of The Sauce as he starts to recall childhood memories.)

UMPIRE: Wait… I remember…. my mother! And her... space station! And her singing! Her terrible singing! And I remember she used to tickle my cheeks and call me…

ADA: (suddenly suspicious) Denny-poos?

UMPIRE: (face to face with Ada) You knew my mother?

ADA: I am your mother!

TRACK 93: STAR WARTS STING

(A lighting change as everyone turns their heads to the audience in shock over some familiar music, they then turn back to the drama as the music ends and the lighting returns to normal.)

UMPIRE: Mumsie?

ADA: Denny-poos! Yes, it’s me, your mumsie! Ada Elbow! And you’re my long-lost son, Dennis Elbow! I’m sorry I lost you. I was a clumsy Mumsie.

UMPIRE: And I’ve been a naughty Umpire. I’m sorry everyone. You can all have your galaxies back, starting with Princess Nebula Oregano!



TRACK 94: SFX GALAXY BANG

(He takes the ball from her neck & throws it offstage. An explosion as Saffron & Basil enter & run to Nebula.)

BASIL & SAFFRON: Nebula!

ALL: Basil and Saffron Oregano!

NEBULA: Mum! Dad! I was carrying you with me all the time?

SAFFRON: We did tell you, dear!

BASIL: We must celebrate with a royal feast!

SAFFRON: But should we eat in or out?

BASIL: In or out? The Umpire usually decides!

UMPIRE: Oh, no! I’m through making rules. The Umpire’s on strike!

ALL: Hooray!

SAFFRON: And Luke Warmwater, you and your friends shall dine with us!

BASIL: As our guests of honour!

NIGEL: Dinner with Basil and Saffron Oregano?

ZAK: It’ll be just like me - hot (strikes a pose) and tasty! (he does a winky smile)

TRACK 95: SFX ZAK WINK #3 & PHONEBOX #3

(We hear familiar music and sounds and Doctor Woo enters.)

ALL: Doctor Woo?

DOCTOR: Daft Ada! I found you at last! Great news…

ADA: I know...

(They speak together, Ada indicating The Umpire as Doctor Woo retrieves baby Dennis from his bag.)

ADA: I have my son back!

DOCTOR: You have your son back!

(They both scream loudly in shock.)

DOCTOR: (pointing at The Umpire) A big Denny!

ADA: (pointing at the baby) A Diddy Denny!

UMPIRE: A Mini Me!

ALL: Dennis Doubles!



LUKE: Well, Doctor Woo, it’s time YOU were reunited with Gordon! He’s over there!

DOCTOR: You mean…?

LUKE: Yes…

ALL: Gordon’s alive!

TRACK 96: SFX GORDON’S ALIVE

(We hear a terrifying roar and burp and a giant green Gordon leaf flops onto one side of the stage. All point at it in awe; Doctor Woo gives the baby to Luke and runs over to stroke the leaf happily.)

UMPIRE: Oh Mumsie, I’ve served badly as The Umpire. I took advantage, crossed the line, it’s all my fault and I should end up in court. Can you ever forgive me?

ADA: Dennis Elbow, I think you’re ace, love! (they embrace)

ALL: Awww!

LUKE: And so our Star Warts saga comes to an end!

ADA: Oh, I don’t think so love! I reckon there’s going to be at least 3 prequels!

TOBY: Endless sequels!

ROGER: Not to mention the merchandise!

OVER: Yo-yos, t-shirts!

OUT: Musicals and novelty underwear!

NEBULA: Star Warts could be... (dramatically) universal!

QWERTY: Actually, I think it’s Disney!

LUKE: Um… Daft Ada, I think Diddy Denny Poos has been drinking blue milk again….

ADA: (looking at the baby’s face) Oh no! Not again!

ALL: Star Warts!



TRACK 97: SPACE TRIP REPRISE

(The company clap and dance into song positions, then take their bows together. Then they join together to sing and dance.)

GROUP 1: DESTINATION A MILLION MILES AWAY… GROUP 2: CELEBRATION FOR NOW WE’RE ON OUR WAY! ALL: WE’RE GOING ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP! ALL: SHINE LIKE A SHOOTING STAR, WE’RE HAVING A BALL! WE’RE ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP! ALL: BLAZING A TRAIL SO FAR, WE’RE GIVING OUR ALL! WE’RE ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP! ALL: WONDER JUST WHERE WE ARE, BUT WE KNOW WE KNOW WE’LL NEVER, EVER STOP TILL THE END OF THE ROAD… NO WE’LL NEVER-EVER, NEVER-EVER, NEVER-EVER… STOP TILL THE END OF THE ROAD... SPACE TRIP!



TRACK 98: STAR WARTS MEGAMIX

(A lighting change as the music starts and the company take a final bow, then clap and dance (possibly into new song positions) ready to perform a joyful medley of song reprises.)

ALL: IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY WE’RE GONNA RETURN THERE SOME DAY. TO THE WORLD WE REMEMBER, THE WORLD OF YESTERDAY. IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY. WE’LL SOON BE TOGETHER, WE PRAY AND FOREVER WE’LL STAY – FAR, FAR AWAY! WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS, YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS, YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS OF OXY-MORON! WONDERFULLY AWFUL AND AWFULLY NICE, WE LIKE TO WAFFLE WHEN BEING CONCISE! WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS, YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS, YES WE’RE THE DIDDLY SQUITS OF OXY-MORON! SPACED OUT INVADERS, A TITLE THAT FITS! WE ARE THE DIDDLY SQUITS! AS WE RACE AROUND THE UNIVERSE, THERE’S A PLACE WE WANT TO BE! IT’S A HOME FROM HOME FOR THOSE WHO ROAM ACROSS THE GALAXY! WITH THE WARMEST WELCOME WAITING THERE, IT’S A GOLDEN GUARANTEE! THERE’S A PLACE IN SPACE FOR EVERYONE – JUNCTION FIFTY… (shouted) One, two, three, four... WE’RE GOING ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP! ALL: SHINE LIKE A SHOOTING STAR, WE’RE HAVING A BALL! WE’RE ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP!



ALL: BLAZING A TRAIL SO FAR, WE’RE GIVING OUR ALL! WE’RE ON A SPACE TRIP! CREW: SPACE TRIP! ALL: WONDER JUST WHERE WE ARE, BUT WE KNOW WE KNOW WE’LL NEVER, EVER STOP TILL THE END OF THE ROAD! GO YOGA! GO YOGA! WHOOP-WHOOP! GO YOGA! WHOOAAA…… YOGA: APPRENTICES CROSS GALAXIES, THEY WANT TO SEIZE MY EXPERTISE AND FOLK LIKE THESE CRY “YOGA, PLEASE… ALL: WE WANT TO SQUEEZE THE SAUCE!” YOGA: LIKE ONE, TWO, THREES, AND “ABC”S YOU’LL LEARN WITH EASE, IT’S JUST A BREEZE SO BEND YOUR KNEES AT TEN DEGREES... ALL: AND TRY TO SQUEEZE THE SAUCE! ALL: FLOWING THROUGH THE GALAXY, INSIDE OF YOU AND ME YOU’LL FIND A… MIGHTY UNIVERSAL FORCE! ANYTHING IMPOSSIBLE IS POSSIBLE OF COURSE WHEN YOU — LEARN TO SQUEEZE THE SAUCE! (SQUEEZE THE SAUCE!) ALL: YOU’LL NEVER WIN AGAINST THE UMPIRE LUCK IS OUT SO GIVE RIGHT IN YOU’LL NEVER WIN AGAINST THE UMPIRE GOT NO CLOUT, YOU’VE GOT NO SPIN! YOU’LL NEVER WIN AGAINST THE UMPIRE YOU CAN STRIKE IF YOU LIKE— BUT WE’RE GONNA STRIKE BACK! THE UMPIRE’S GONNA STRIKE BACK!

TRACK 99: COMPANY PLAY OUT

(Curtain)

Photocopiable Lyrics 81


PHOTOCOPIABLE

LYRICS

82 Photocopiable Lyrics


Track 2: Junction Fifty-One

Ada: Luke? Luke? The spaceships are landing! Luke?

Luke: Alright, Aunt Ada, I’m here! I’m here!

Ada: Well get the docking bay open! And smarten yourself up, Luke - it’s show time!

All: When you’re lightyears away

Seeking somewhere to stay

Wind your wondering way to where we’re calling

If you’re losing acceleration

Set a course for our constellation

We’ve got all that you need

And we’re waiting for you!

As we race around the universe,

There’s a place we want to be!

It’s a home from home for those who roam

Across the galaxy!

With the warmest welcome waiting there,

It’s a golden guarantee!

There’s a place in space for everyone -

Junction Fifty-One!

So wherever you are

Flying near or far

Like a shimmering star, you’ll see us shining!

Take the intergalactic highway

Take a turn and you’re heading my way!

Take a break from the road

For a moment or two!




Across the galaxy!






Junction Fifty...

Luke: One day, out there is where you’ll find me

Leave this satellite far behind me

I’ll be surfing the stars!

I’ll be walking the sky!

S.O.S, a distress I’m sending

Need adventure that’s never ending

I don’t want to spend life

Watching life passing by...

All: As we race around the universe,



Across the galaxy!




Group 1: Junction Fifty-One! Junction Fifty-One!

Junction Fifty-One! Junction Fifty-One!

Group 2: You are welcome to come, we will take anyone!

You are welcome to come, we will take anyone!



Ada: It’s our home in the stars!

All: Junction Fifty-One!



Track 27: Space Trip

Zak: Why this ship is enigmatic!

It’s aerobatic!

It’s part-aquatic!

Why, it’s the Millennium Penguin!

Zak: Pack your bags, come and jump on board ‘cos I’m

Revving the engine and ready to roll!

Start ignition, we’re on a mission,

Crew: The captain is in control!

Group 1: Destination a million miles away…way

Group 2: Celebration for now we’re on our way!

All: We’re going on a space trip!

Crew: Space trip!

All: Shine like a shooting star,

We’re having a ball!

We’re on a space trip!

Crew: Space trip!

All: Blazing a trail so far,

We’re giving our all!


Crew: Space trip!

All: Wonder just where we are, but we know

We know we’ll never, ever stop

Till the end of the road!



All: Hit the track, there’s no turning back

So let’s get into gear, get the show on the road.

Take a flight at the speed of light

With our senses on overload!




Crew: Space trip!




Crew: Space trip!




Crew: Space trip!


We know we’ll never, ever stop...

Radio DJ: Here’s your rush-hour traffic update, folks! We’ve got a space jam on Intergalactic Highway 3 with tailbacks all the way to Junction 51. It’s booster to booster out there, folks, but drivers are urged to sit tight and stay calm - I said “stay calm”... (shouting) “stay calm!”






Crew: Space trip!




Crew: Space trip!




Crew: Space trip!



Till the end of the road…

No we’ll never-ever, never-ever, never-ever…

Stop till the end of the road...

Space trip!



Track 39: In A Galaxy Far, Far Away

Nebula: Every time I close my eyes, I see you

Shining like the sun

A million tiny stars aligning one by one by one.

Wherever I go, whatever I do

I’ll always remember you

You are forever in my heart…

Every time I close my eyes, I see you


A million tiny stars aligning one by one by one.



You are forever in my heart...

All: In a galaxy far, far away

We’re gonna return there some day.

To the world we remember,

The world of yesterday.

In a galaxy far, far away.

We’ll soon be together, we pray

And forever we’ll stay

Far, far away!

Spinning through infinity, I hear you

Calling out my name

And though I miss your gravity

My tears fall just the same

Each beat of my heart

That we are apart

It feels like eternity

When I’m a million miles from home…



In a galaxy far, far away







Far, far away!

Nebula: Each beat of my heart

That we are apart

It feels like eternity

When I’m a million miles from home…








Far, far away!


Far, far away!



Track 52: The Diddly Squits

All: Diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly… (etc)

We are the Diddly Squits,

Yes we’re the Diddly Squits,

Yes we’re the Diddly Squits

Of Oxy-Moron!

Wonderfully awful and awfully nice,

We like to waffle when being concise!




Of Oxy-Moron!

Spaced out invaders, a title that fits!

We are the Diddly Squits!

(The Diddly Squits perform a comical dance and sing Diddly repeatedly.)

Diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly… (etc)

We are the Diddly Squits



Of Oxy-Moron!

Dressed in our splendour, we proudly parade,

Time to surrender, we’re here to invade!

We are the Diddly Squits



Of Oxy-Moron!



Lean on your leader until he submits!


VO: Space Invaders ready!

Group 1: Bonk the baddy, bonk the baddy,

With my diddly joystick!

Group 2: Fire rockets, fire rockets,

Fly the flying saucer

Group 3: Data error, data error,

Switch off and reboot!

Group 4: Lasers left, lasers right,

Squirt your squitty squirter!

VO: Space Invaders one more time!

(The groups repeat their words and actions, this time continuing to repeat each. The actions link together group by group causing comical mayhem.)

Group 1: Bonk the baddy, bonk the baddy,

With my diddly joystick!

Group 2: Fire rockets, fire rockets,

Fly the flying saucer

Group 3: Data error, data error,

Switch off and reboot!

Group 4: Lasers left, lasers right,

Squirt your squitty squirter!

All: We are the Diddly Squits,



of Oxy-Moron!








Of Oxy-Moron!


We are the Diddly

Martians with glitz!


We are the Diddly-




Track 64: Squeeze The Sauce

Yoga: Apprentices, gather round you must and understand better you will!

Flowing through the galaxy

Inside of you and me you’ll find a…

All: (shouted) What?

Yoga: Mighty universal force!

All: (shouted) Tell me more!

Yoga: Anything impossible is possible of course

When you –

Chorus: Learn to squeeze The Sauce!

All: (Squeeze The Sauce!)

Yoga: I don’t mean ketchup, gravy, hollandaise,

No mustard, mint or mayonnaise,

Tabasco, brown or bolognese,

They don’t have the force.

Anything impossible is possible of course

When you

Chorus: Learn to squeeze The Sauce!

All: (Squeeze The Sauce!)

(shouted) Here we go!

All: Flowing through the galaxy


Mighty universal force!


When you - learn to squeeze The Sauce!



(Squeeze The Sauce!)

I don’t mean ketchup, gravy, hollandaise,







Luke: So, tell me, Lord Yoga, can I learn to squeeze The Sauce?

Yoga: Ah, learn you must, young Warmwater, and learn you will!

Yoga: Apprentice’s cross galaxies,

They want to seize my expertise

And folk like these cry “Yoga, please,

All: (shouted) We want to squeeze The Sauce!”

Yoga: Like one, two, threes, and “ABC”s

You’ll learn with ease, it’s just a breeze

So bend your knees at ten degrees

All: (shouted) And try to squeeze The Sauce!

Yoga: Now squeeze!

All: (squeezing) Ugh!

Yoga: Just squeeze!

All: (louder) Ugh!

Yoga: Yes squeeze!

All: (a big, long final squeeze) Uuggghhh!

Yoga: Succeed you did!

All: Hooray!



All: Flowing through the galaxy





I don’t mean ketchup, gravy, hollandaise,







Group 1: Nothing is impossible

If you just squeeze The Sauce!

Group 2: Squeeze it! You just squeeze it!

Bend your knees and...

Group 3: Feel the force when you

Squeeze The Sauce!

All: When you learn to squeeze The Sauce!

Oh…. Yeah!



Track 66: Far, Far Away Reprise

Nebula: Every time I close my eyes, I see you


A million tiny stars aligning

One by one by one.



You are forever in my heart…

In a galaxy far, far away







Far, far away!


Far, far away!



Track 68: March Of The Rebels

All: We are all, we are one,

The rebellion’s begun

And a new hope is dawning

As bright as the sun!

Waging war in the stars

For the future is ours!

With the force of The Sauce...

We’ll win!

Toby: There’s a light to discover in the darkness

There’s a light to uncover that’ll show us the way

There’s a tomorrow where we want to go

So we’ll overcome the night some day!








We’ll win!

Toby: Marching on, we are boldly going forward

Marching on, we are fighting at the final frontier

Marching our way through to the joyous day

When the universe is free from fear!










We’ll win!

Toby: (spoken in Churchillian style) Like Space Heroes before us, we face our darkest hour. Flash Gordon, Captain Kirk… Wallace and Grommit! Now we share their glorious goal - to save the universe before the final credits roll! We’ll win, someday…

All: Someday!

We are all, we are one,






With the force of The Sauce we’ll win!

With the force of The Sauce we’ll win!



Track 90: The Umpire Strikes Back

Umpire: (spoken) It’s astounding you think that you’ll win!

It’s madness that it’s your goal!

You’re deluded - but not for very much longer-

The Umpire is in control! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Umpire: In the court of the mighty Umpire

Every player bows the knee

Like the darkest demon vampire

Love means nothing to me!

You are fighting a phantom menace

Set the rules and oversee

You may beat Nadal at tennis

But I bet that you’ve

All: Met your match in me!

All: You’ll never win against The Umpire

Luck is out so give right in

You’ll never win against The Umpire

Got no clout, you’ve got no spin!


You can strike if you like -

But we’re gonna strike back!

All: When you’re serving the mighty Umpire

Life’s a game and you’re the sport

Play with him, you play with fire

When the ball’s in his court!

Every victory by a landslide

Number one in outer space

He’s the master of the dark side

Takes advantage and now he holds the ace!

















The Umpire’s gonna strike back!



Track 97: Space Trip Reprise

Group 1: Destination a million miles away…



Crew: Space trip!




Crew: Space trip!




Crew: Space trip!



Till the end of the road…

No we’ll never-ever, never-ever, never-ever…

Stop till the end of the road...

Space trip!



Track 98: Star Warts Megamix







And forever we’ll stay –

Far, far away!




Of Oxy-moron!





Yes we’re the Diddly Squits of Oxy-Moron!






Across the galaxy!



There’s a place in space for everyone –

Junction fifty…

(shouted) One, two, three, four...

We’re going on a space trip!

Crew: Space trip!






Crew: Space trip!




Crew: Space trip!



Till the end of the road!

Go Yoga! Go Yoga! Whoop-whoop!

Go Yoga! Whooaaa……

Yoga: Apprentices cross galaxies,

They want to seize my expertise

And folk like these cry “Yoga, please…

All: We want to squeeze The Sauce!”

Yoga: Like one, two, threes, and “ABC”s

You’ll learn with ease, it’s just a breeze

So bend your knees at ten degrees...

And try to squeeze The Sauce!

All: Flowing through the galaxy,















The Umpire’s gonna strike back!

105


PERFORMING AND COPYING LICENCES FOR

Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back (Full Version)

If you decide to perform and/or copy the script, score or CD(s) of Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back, you must apply for performing and/or copying licences from the publisher, Musicline Publications. These licences cover the royalties due to the composers, writers

and publishers of the work and protect you and your school or youth theatre group from any infringement of performing/copying right.

N.B. The Performing Rights Society (P.R.S.) Licence, which is currently held by almost all U.K. Schools does NOT cover you for the performing of Musicals.

For further details please refer to the Performing Rights Society website: www.cefm.co.uk

Prices of licences can be found on our website: www.musiclinedirect.com

We now offer a sliding scale of performance/copying licence charges if your school has fewer than 200 pupils on roll: the smaller your school, the less you pay.

Please indicate below the number of children on roll.

If you wish to stage Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back

please copy this form and fax or post it COMPLETED to:

Musicline Publications, P.O. Box 15632, Tamworth, Staffordshire, B77 5BY

Tel: 01827 281431 Fax: 01827 284214 E mail: [email protected]

APPLICATION FOR LICENCE TO MUSICLINE PUBLICATIONS

We wish to stage Star Warts: The Umpire Strikes Back at:

Name of school, centre or theatre ..........................................................................................

Dates of production ................................................................................................................

Total number of performances .......................

Name of producer/organiser ...................................................................................................

Name and Address of school or theatre group (or address where invoice should be sent) ....

...............................................................................................................................................

...............................................................................................................................................

...............................................................................................................................................

Post Code ............................................................................................................................... Number of children on roll ........................

E-mail .....................................................................................................................................

Daytime telephone number .....................................................................................................

Performing Licence required? YES □ NO □ Please tick as appropriate

Copying Licence required? YES □ NO □ Please tick as appropriate

If you purchase Performing and Copying Licences at the same time we will give you a Video Licence FREE of Charge. Our Video Licence entitles you to film your production and to make an unlimited number of copies for gift or sale.

Please copy this complete form and fax it to 01827 284 214 or send it to the address above.

star warts: the umpire strikes back - amazon web services · 1/270420/27 isbn: 978 1 84237 162 6...

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