stop seeking - start being

Upload: karina-seizinger

Post on 06-Apr-2018

223 views

Category:

Documents


0 download

TRANSCRIPT

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    1/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    2/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    Table of Contents

    Introduction........................................................................1

    Chapter One

    Walking the Path of Spirit..................................................13

    Chapter TwoMental Integrity.................................................................42

    Chapter Three

    Emotional Integrity............................................................72

    Chapter Four

    Physical Integrity.............................................................102

    Chapter Five...................................................................144

    Spiritual Integrity.............................................................144

    Chapter 6........................................................................166

    Creatively Intending Your Life........................................166

    Chapter 7

    Mastery............................................................................190

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    3/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    Integrity:

    1. An unimpaired condition: soundness

    2. Adherence to a code of moral, ethical, artistic, or other

    values

    3. The quality or state of being complete or undivided:

    completeness

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    4/203

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    5/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    Introduction

    What Is Spiritual Integrity andHow Do I Get Some?

    Have you ever made a commitment to yourself and not

    followed through? Do you wish you had more energy and space

    to create change in your life? Are you often confused about what

    your purpose really is, or how to manifest it?

    Are you ready to step into your innate fullness and

    integrity?

    Spiritual Integrity is a path to wholeness. When we live from

    our own Spiritual Integrity we follow through on our commitments

    without stress, confusion, or fear. We are constantly inspired andenergized to respond to change with eyes wide open. We are clear

    about who we are and where we are going. Our actions are in

    alignment with our heart. Each day is a playful co-creation with the

    Divine. Life is good!

    Many of us learn what integrity is from the outside in. We

    take on rules and beliefs that are handed down from our parents

    and grandparents, church, schools, and communities. Often

    these rules are not in alignment with who we are, or are

    completely contradictory. And yet we still try and "be good" and

    follow what the outside world tells us we should be. Or we rebel,

    throwing our energy in the opposite direction without really

    knowing what is true for us.

    Spiritual Integrity teaches us how to reclaim our truth

    1

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    6/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    from the inside out. At our core, we each have a beautiful andunique essence and purpose. But we cover this shining light of

    clarity and inspiration with layers and layers of other people's

    opinions, thoughts, and desires. We live not who we are, but who

    we believe others want us to be. We ignore our own truth with

    the hopes that we will be accepted and loved if we are "nice." Or

    we spend all of our precious energy fighting other people's

    opinions.

    Spiritual Integrity is about the willingness to go deeper

    into yourself to find out who you are, beyond the walls of the

    known.

    This book will not tell you what your integrity is. There is

    no handy list of rules in the appendix that we believe you should

    live your life by. We are not concerned with what your concept of

    Spirit is, whether you pray to God, Allah, or the wind.

    Rediscovering your own Spiritual Integrity is a journey inward to

    align your mental, emotional, and physical being with your own

    spirit. As you recover your mental, emotional, and physical

    integrity, your individual spirit will spontaneously align with its

    Creator. And it is in these moments of aligned grace that the

    pure potential of humans is revealed.

    Spiritual Integrity is a re-membering, a weaving of our

    scattered parts into a solid whole. We step back into our Spiritual

    Integrity when our thoughts, actions, and emotions stem from our

    essence, rather than our strategies and old patterns. Each of us

    has tasted integrity, those moments when we feel open andaligned with our highest selves. These times are the ones we

    2

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    7/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    look back on and say, "Yes, that was my integrity. That waswholeness. That was my essence shining brightly in the world."

    Our desire is to share experiences and practices to help

    you completely rewire your system so you are aligned and whole

    in all areas of your life. We want to support you in not just

    seeking those fleeting moments of ecstasy, opening or security,

    but to find your willingness and faith to reclaim your full Divine

    self; mind, body, emotions, and energy.

    Mental integrity comes when you release your judge and stop

    punishing yourself. You view yourself with compassion instead of

    criticism. You learn from your mistakes gracefully, and can quiet

    your minds chatter so you consistently hear your own true voice.

    Emotional integrity allows you to release old hurts and find

    forgiveness for yourself and others. You are no longer trapped

    by the past. Anytime you are triggered by outside events and feel

    emotional pain you do not blame others, but use your tools to

    clear and open back to emotional fluidity.

    Physical integrity arises when your actions align with your

    heart, not your strategies. Each of us takes on a strategy to help

    us understand the world around us and make us feels safe.

    When you understand what your primary strategy is and how you

    physically act it out in the world you come to a place of choice

    rather than habit. Choice is the foundation of physical integrity.

    3

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    8/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    Spiritual Integrity is a cellular recognition that you are not yourmind, emotions, or body, but the light that illuminates from within.

    As you move more and more into Spiritual Integrity your mind,

    emotions, and form become sweetly transparent, so the

    luminous light of your spirit radiates out.

    Reading this book will give you a clear, simple pathway to own

    your Spiritual Integrity. It will not be easy. There are many

    obstacles and fears between where you are now and who you

    truly are. Our intent is to break down the process in such a way

    that you know without a doubt, I can do this! We know without a

    doubt that you can be free from false integrity, and that you can

    actually enjoy the process!

    We know because we have walked this path for many

    years, both together and separately. We have coached many

    students to not just think about but actually do the work

    necessary to reclaim their fullest expression. It is simple, but not

    easy, to step back into your Spiritual Integrity. When you shift

    from wanting things to be different to doing the actual work to

    transform yourself, each day will be inspired.

    Heather Ashs Journey to Integrity

    When I moved to the United States in 1984 to go to

    college I was a shy, determined person. My dreams were to

    become a large animal veterinarian (that lasted until I realized

    the pre-requisites I would have to take), to go to the Olympics (I

    4

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    9/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    was an avid horse-back rider in Dressage and Jumping), to be awriter (though I didnt know what I wanted to write.) What I really

    craved was for people to like me and for there to be no conflict in

    my world. Though I had strong beliefs I was easily swayed by

    other peoples opinions of me, often confused about what I

    wanted, and clutched on to my romantic relationships as a way

    to give my life meaning. Most of my actions came from

    unconscious beliefs and habits. Life was hard and filled with

    struggle.

    Ten years later I was teaching European shamanism

    and fire walking at UC Davis, studying with don Miguel Ruiz, and

    part of an amazing spiritual community. I was just beginning to

    understand the idea of awareness and reclaiming energy. During

    this time I worked as an office manager for several different

    companies, went through many growth-filled but difficult

    relationships, and moved every year or so. I went on every

    journey and workshop with don Miguel that I could, and was

    dedicated to running experiments to break any limitations I had,

    including cutting off all my hair, moving to Hong Kong with my

    parents for a summer, and working at a financial investment firm;

    going into silence for 40 days; and (after my hair grew back!)

    dying my hair blonde and wearing sassy clothes for a year. Life

    was good and I knew what I wanted, even if I did not have it yet.

    Ten years later I supported myself by teaching Toltec

    Shamanism, and I was the Executive Director of The Toltec

    Center of Creative Intent, a non-profit religious organizationwhich I help start in 2001. I had trained ten teachers who were

    5

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    10/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    sharing my 6-month intensive program, SpiritWeavers,throughout the United States. This gave me the space to write

    my first book, The Four Elements of Change. I was in my first

    solid, loving, and sexually fulfilling relationship ever. I was living

    with my partner in a beautiful apartment ten blocks from the

    Toltec Center, and co-teaching journeys to Teotihuacan, Mexico

    and Peru with my friend and mentor Gini Gentry. Life was great,

    and I had manifested most of my dreams, and then some.

    Right around this time came a huge pivot point in my life

    around my own integrity. Raven and my relationship had evolved

    over the years from student teacher to teaching peers, to

    business partners (Raven helped me publish my book and we

    created Teo Publishing together), to roommates. We were great

    friends and support for each other, and both of us where in other

    primary intimate relationships.

    One day I realized that I really wanted to be in

    relationship with Raven. Our paths and outlook on life were so

    compatible, we had the same dreams and visions, and our

    feelings for each had kept deepening. Yet we were both in other

    relationships. My getting clear about my integrity started an

    amazing spiral of events that completely changed my life.

    I was scared to be in relationship with Raven because of

    what our community would think, but I finally followed my heart

    and jumped in feet first. We did a hand fasting (commitment for a

    year and a day) ceremony in Peru soon after we got together.

    The result of my getting into integrity in my relationshipworld, and being with Raven who is an incredible being of intent

    6

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    11/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    and power, was that I started to clearly see where else I was outof integrity. I could hardly look at it, but I could see that my

    relationship with the Toltec Center was out of whack. Several

    people in the community were upset that Raven and I got

    together, and I started feeling that I was bad and should give the

    leadership role away, and share it with others in the community. I

    couldnt quite let go, and no one was really ready to step up, so it

    created a very messy organization! By the time one of Ravens

    first teachers came to try and help us sort out the tangles, we

    were one big dysfunctional family. Her recommendation to me

    was that I should shut the Toltec Center down and start over.

    I resisted what she saw and struggled to make things

    work. This was my baby, I could not just walk away! I couldnt let

    the teachers and community down! I had to make it work! And I

    tried. Lots of meetings, lots of emotional processing, lots of tears.

    I wanted to control what the outcome would be, that somehow

    we would pull out of this and all become a big happy family

    again. I learned that I had a hard time being confronted or

    challenged, and began to see that my stress level around

    wanting things to be perfect had hugely affected the

    organization. One day I had enough distance to look at the

    Toltec Center and see that this incarnation of it did need to die. I

    met with the Board of Directors and we realized that we would be

    bankrupt in two months if we didnt shut down the office and

    release all of our staff.

    The dissolution of the Toltec Center of Creative Intent inBerkeley was a hard blow for me. And it gave me the freedom to

    7

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    12/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    re-invent myself from the inside out, not based on a role I wasplaying in community. Raven and I lived in New Mexico for a

    year, and then we went on the road in our RV for a year,

    teaching across the United States. During this time I hardly

    wrote, and kept allowing the old Heather Ash to die. At times it

    was really challenging to not try and control how others

    perceived me or know what was next. I learned to trust. I learned

    to surrender, and to not need to be known or important or

    special, or to expect people to like me. I learned to simply be.

    During this time anything that was not completely in alignment

    with my integrity fell away. I lost some dear friends, hurt some

    people, and came out the other side much wiser and more

    centered.

    For me, the result of letting go of control allowed me to

    drop beneath my fears to recapture my own integrity. My life

    looked great from the outside, but on the inside I was driven by a

    need to be perceived as a good girl, and in anxiety and fear

    around making the Toltec Center survive financially. As messy

    and difficult as it was at times, I am so grateful to this time of my

    life when everything broke open and I took the space to get to

    know Heather Ash. Life is amazing!

    Understanding and validating the truth of your own

    spiritual connection is what walking a path of integrity is about.

    Spiritual Integrity is about both knowing what your best is and

    doing it, while understanding that in a world of change and

    impermanence your best will not always resolve the issue at

    8

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    13/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    hand or count for much at all. But you do it anyway, because it isyour joy to do your best.

    Spiritual Integrity is being present for life in all its

    manifestations, fully engaged, yet totally un-attached to the

    outcome of what you are doing.

    Spiritual Integrity invites you to quit trying to understand

    what is happening to you and start living what is happening to

    you. Spiritual Integrity is about fully living life with delight, paying

    attention to your experiences with curiosity, and engaging with

    your being from compassion and detachment.

    When you are in your Spiritual Integrity you move

    beyond worrying about what others are thinking or if you are

    good enough into being in connection with the divine at all times.

    There is no compromise when you are in your integrity. Why

    would you compromise your connection to Spirit? What would be

    more important than your connection to God/dess? When you

    are in Spiritual Integrity the answer is NOTHING! Nothing is

    more important than maintaining your sacred connection to

    Spirit.

    Anytime you put something between your own spirit and

    the Divine, it is a sin against God/dess. When your connection to

    the Divine is more important to you than anything else, you are

    free. Life is simple. Decisions all revolve around whether this

    thing or that thing will serve you closer to God/dess or will pull

    your attention away from her.

    Evaluating everything from this standpoint it is easy tomake decisions. It only gets complicated when we start doing

    9

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    14/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    things for others when we know that is not what we need or wantto be doing.

    So, if everyone started living from their integrity and not

    from outside rules, would society break down and there be

    chaos? The answer is an emphatic No!

    A spiritual being in integritys openness and compassion

    knows no bounds, because true integrity stems from the essence

    of who you are. Spiritual Integrity is the art of letting go of reward

    and punishment and experiencing the Divine by BEING the

    Divine as fully as possible in each moment. When you stop

    worrying about the past or future and bring all of your energy

    present now, you can ecstatically walk the path you have chosen

    to embody God/dess. Yes!

    When you begin the divine dance towards your own

    Spiritual Integrity you will find your self-respect and self-love, and

    it will bubble over towards others. Life will keep getting yummier

    and yummier!

    Spiritual Integrity is a path to wholeness. To move into

    integrity you must first honor where you have created separation

    internally, and find your willingness to do something different.

    Then you can discover and reclaim all aspects of your integrity:

    mental, emotional, physical, energetic, and spiritual.

    Spiritual Integrity doesnt come from dogma, or

    rationalization. It comes from practice, from actually walking the

    path you talk about when you get together with other spiritual

    folk. The concept of walking the path is not the walking of thepath. They are different things. One of them leads to a life of

    10

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    15/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    purpose and inspiration, and the other is just another clever wayto suffer.

    To walk any path certain things are necessary. Primarily,

    you have to be aware of your circumstance and willing to tell

    yourself the truth about them. Living out a fantasy life will not set

    you free no matter what path you walk. Once you understand

    your circumstance you have to be willing to put as much energy

    into changing it as you put into creating it in the first place. This

    means you have to be willing to take action.

    Finally, you have to have faith. You have to have trust

    and be willing to surrender your will up to something greater than

    your small self. Otherwise you will always make decisions based

    on your ego-personality, whose view is so filled with limitation it

    will always lead you into suffering. You would think we would

    figure that out fairly quickly, but amazingly most people live out

    their whole lives listening to the chaotic voices in their head and

    making decisions from there even though it causes them pain

    and separation from life over and over again!

    Lets look at the obstacles along your path, and how to

    cultivate the awareness and willingness to gracefully and lovingly

    discover your truth. This will form the foundation for reclaiming

    your mental, emotional, physical, emotional, and spiritual

    integrity. You can do it!

    11

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    16/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    12

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    17/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    Chapter OneWalking the Path of Spirit

    Obstacles, Strategies, and Willingness

    There are usually only two reasons someone steps onto

    a spiritual path. The first is a search for meaning, a quest for

    something more to life than the day-to-day grind our lives put us

    through. When we realize that the drudgery of living the way we

    have been taught to live causes us incredible suffering, we begin

    to listen to our deep sense that there must be something more.

    The second reason someone steps on to a spiritual path

    is when an event (usually something pretty dramatic) occurs that

    shows us something that is so far out of our normal reality that

    it forces us to question our assumptions about what life is allabout. When nothing we have been taught can account for what

    we have experienced, we seek answers beyond our knowing.

    It is important to recognize the impetus driving you to

    look for something different in your life. To really change, you

    must be clear that it is more important for you to find out the

    meaning of life than it is to live in your safe and comfortable

    world. This drive must be very strong, or the obstacles you face

    ahead will inevitably overwhelm you. The truth is, your life may

    take a strong turn for the worse if you step on the path to

    awakening and do not follow through with it to the end. The

    reason for this is awareness.

    When you are fast asleep in the dream your socialization

    has created for you, even though things are not great you are

    13

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    18/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    only dimly aware of your discomfort. The wool that has beenpulled over your eyes by the agreement of everyone around you

    as to what life is about is a powerful sedative that keeps you

    from realizing you are suffering.

    When you step onto a spiritual path the first thing that

    will happen is you will become aware of all the ways things are

    not so great. You will see all the ways you are torturing yourself

    into believing you are a limited being in a limited world just

    slogging one step at a time through an endless morass of

    judgment, victimization, boredom, drama, and pain.

    To arrive at your own inner integrity, you must be willing

    to see the depth of the pain you are creating for yourself before

    you have any chance of changing it. This is a fact that we would

    all like to avoid, and the avoidance of it is how we got ourselves

    into this predicament to begin with.

    There is light at the end of the tunnel. You created this

    reality you find yourself in and you have the power to change it

    into something beautiful and fulfilling, but you have to want it,

    you have to REALLY want it. You have spent years creating this

    lie of your limitations. Your old structure has a lot of energy in it,

    and it will take a lot of energy to change it. First you need to

    become aware of the predicament you are in, mapping it very

    carefully, and then rounding up your energy to undo the

    limitations you have created. Then you must create a new intent,

    a new dream of how you want to be in relationship to yourself

    and the world around you.

    14

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    19/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    Understanding the ways you constricted your reality willhelp you to cultivate the awareness, willingness, and yippee!

    necessary to break out of your structure. So here we go

    Reality as you experience it is controlled by your

    perception. Your perception is controlled by your belief system -

    how you were taught the world is supposed to be. This belief

    system filters almost all of your experiences by filing,

    interpreting, and limiting your perception to what is previously

    known about the world.

    Your belief system is based on your personal history. It

    holds your perception hostage, and keeps your energy locked up

    in structures it has created to define and limit your view of reality

    to what is known and safe. What you learned to believe in the

    past becomes the filter of the present, narrowing your window of

    perception by discarding the unknown or distorting it to fit into

    your comfort zone of the familiar world.

    How we Create Beliefs

    Beliefs are created by assigning meaning to events of

    the past and projecting them onto the present. For a myriad of

    reasons you assign meaning to events to help you understand

    the world around you rather that just allowing an event to happen

    without judging or trying to explain it. You are forced into this

    pattern of assigning meaning by the nature of your socialization

    into a society/family/peer group. These different types ofsocialization groups generally operate on a system of

    15

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    20/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    punishment and reward (in one form or another) that makes youfeel unsafe in your environment. You interpret the information

    that caused the punishment to occur as bad i.e. unsafe, and

    come up with strategies to keep from being punished again. You

    also interpret information that caused you to be rewarded and

    create strategies to get those cookies again.

    One of my first memories of being punished (Heather

    Ash) was when I little girl in school. We were coloring, and the

    crayons I was using had become blunt. I started to tear the paper

    so more crayon would be exposed. I remember feeling happy

    and eager to do my drawing, and mesmerized by the different

    colors of crayons. Suddenly someone came up (a teacher or

    assistant), slapped my hand, and yelled at me for ruining the

    crayons. I was devastated, and felt like my world had just been

    shattered. I stopped what I was doing, found a crayon that was

    sharp, and pretended to draw.

    What came out of this experience was a feeling that if I

    did something others perceived as wrong, I would get punished. I

    knew that tearing the paper on the crayons was not wrong. But

    obviously that did not matter! All that mattered was what others

    perceived as wrong. So I began to watch very closely to see if I

    could figure out what other people were thinking of what I was

    doing. This was one of the early seeds of my pleaser strategy.

    A child could also take the idea that all that matters is

    what others peoples perceptions are and take on a controller

    strategy by holding the belief I always have to be right ineveryones eyes. This would snowball into making everyone

    16

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    21/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    else wrong, or an elaborate system of internal control in order tobe right.

    Another child may have taken this incident and decided

    adults are unpredictable and cannot be trusted. From this seed

    thought a whole strategy of isolating would grow. I am only okay

    when no one notices me. They would become quiet and

    invisible so they would not get in trouble in the future.

    Or a child could take this same experience and decide, I

    really do not want to be here, and I do not want to be feeling this

    fear and confusion and start to daydream of a better place.

    When they came back into the room, they might feel, well, I did

    not like crayons anyway and go take someone elses markers as

    a way to stay away from the feelings of fear that arose.

    These strategies become your perceptions framework,

    and you empower them with the ability to keep you safe. Soon

    they take on a life of their own, jealously guarding their narrow

    window of perception and striving to keep you from looking

    beyond it for fear of being punished or made wrong again.

    Each person is socialized slightly differently. We all have

    a different set of life experiences that influences our belief

    structure, and that structure is what controls our perception. In

    other words, what we consciously and unconsciously believe

    about the world is what we experience. We filter out anything

    that does not fit our belief structure, making our "reality" a self-

    fulfilling pattern that repeats itself regardless of the differences in

    external stimuli. Let us look at the following example of fourfriends to explain this further.

    17

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    22/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    Suppose Cindy grows up in an environment where herfather expresses a lot of anger at the family, yells at them and

    beats them all regularly. Cindy eventually responds by standing

    up to her father and as a result gets thrown out of the house.

    Anytime she senses someone being emotional she is highly

    critical.

    Joan grows up in a family environment where it is never

    ok to express any anger, and anyone in the family who does is

    shamed and told they are being immature and inconsiderate of

    others. She spends most of her time reading books or going for

    long walks with her dog, Max.

    Sherry, on the other hand, was brought up in a family

    that supported healthy expressions of anger. She was taught

    that it was okay to express her feelings, and her mother and

    father modeled this by expressing their irritation without blaming

    others. Sherry feels okay when her parents are upset with each

    other, but when they are upset with her she gets scared.

    Vanessa lived with four different foster families by the

    time she was fifteen. She spent much of her days fantasizing

    about finding her real parents. Anytime anyone in her world

    became angry she would think, My real parents would never be

    angry at me.

    These four women are walking down the street together

    one night and the couple walking in front of them suddenly starts

    arguing and yelling at one another. All four have a totally

    different experience of the event. Cindy gets very angry and triesto jump into the couples argument, vehemently defending the

    18

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    23/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    woman. Joan turns her head away, feels embarrassed and triesto sneak away from the scene. Sherry doesn't understand what

    the big deal is, they are just arguing, what is everyone else

    getting so upset about? But when Cindy starts yelling at her, she

    feels guilty and tries to make everyone feel better. Vanessa

    doesnt even notice the chaos, because she is dreaming about

    her parents and thinking about getting her haircut. When she

    does realize what is going on it startles her, but then she

    immediately starts wondering where the woman of the couple got

    her dress.

    Each woman has a completely different experience of

    the same event. Different emotions move through them, and they

    visually and auditorally filter the information presented to them in

    the form of this couple, to the point that if you listened to their

    descriptions of the event you wouldn't have any idea they saw

    the same thing. Cindy, Joan, Sherry, and Vanessa each take

    their past experiences and project them onto present situations.

    This forms a personal filter through which they witness any event

    whose stimulus is a display of anger in any form.

    Making Sense of Strategies

    These women are not just reacting to their experience

    around anger. This story is a snap shot of how we each filter

    information through our beliefs. We react to situations not from

    our integrity, but from strategies that we took on as young

    children to make sense of the world and know how to react to it.

    19

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    24/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    When you are in Spiritual Integrity you align with yourtruth and act with love from your own moral code. The moral

    code you soaked up (actively or passively) from your parents,

    society, friends, and religious community is often contradictory,

    outdated, and no longer in your integrity (if it ever was!)

    Returning to your integrity is a process of clearing out your old

    agreements of who or how you should be and learning who you

    want to be. To be truly free you must deconstruct all the false

    beliefs you are holding and rediscover your truth at this time of

    your life.

    Many of us believe that we are in our integrity when, in

    fact, we are not in alignment with our essence, but with a

    strategy. Strategies are fixed patterns of energy that we adopt at

    an early age. Often our strategies become the basis for our

    sense of security. But this is a false foundation, a place where

    integrity is confused with feeling safe.

    As a child, you took on a core strategy because it helped

    you make sense of the world, and because it worked! As you

    matured, these strategies become more and more habitual.

    There are gifts in every strategy, nuggets of wisdom, however;

    strategies limit our energetic capacity and keep us from growing

    and maturing into our Spiritual Integrity. They sap our inspiration

    and lock us in a shell of behaviors that are comfortable and

    predictable, but are between us and our authenticity. And they

    are not much fun either!

    From studying our students and our own lives we havefound four main categories of strategies: controllers, pleasers,

    20

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    25/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    isolators, and distracters. Each of us uses all of them sometimes,and has one which we use as our core strategy that is activated

    when we are uncomfortable or insecure.

    The purpose of our core strategy is to keep the world

    manageable and to create a sense of safety and stability.

    CONTROLLERS feel safe when they are in control of the world

    around them or their own internal world. Controllers can be great

    leaders and visionaries, but often their gift is used to squash

    uncomfortable situations, to force people to do what they want

    them to do, and to limit expression. Controllers manage their

    own and others' emotions through subtle or blatant domination or

    manipulation.

    DISTRACTORS keep themselves safe by staying busy and

    checked out. Instead of feeling their feelings or facing discomfort,

    distracters spend hours at video games, doing projects/hobbies,

    talking to friends, anything that can be a distraction! Distracters

    have a great gift at multi-tasking and are often mentally nimble,

    but their energy is easily scattered, and they have a very difficult

    time focusing and creating what they want in the world.

    ISOLATORS habitually hide when they are scared or near an

    uncomfortable situation. This hiding may be a physical or

    emotional retreat. When triggered (or before there can be any

    trigger), isolators head for the safety of the hills. Isolators oftenhave a very strong connection to spirit and an excellent sense of

    21

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    26/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    self, but they are split between a yearning to be deeply seen andunderstood and a desire to be invisible. They habitually constrict

    their energy and their life force.

    PLEASERS believe they will only be accepted and safe if they

    are helping others. Pleasers constantly scan other people's

    reactions, wanting to make sure that everyone is happy. Their

    gifts are sensitivity and an aptitude for sacred service, but when

    they are in their strategy they become hyper-vigilant and outer-

    focused. The result is they often feel victimized and resentful.

    Pleasers feel lost when they are not caretaking or acting to

    satisfy the perceived needs of others.

    Can you tell which strategy the women used in response

    to the couple arguing?

    Cindy wanted to control the situation. She jumped in,

    defending the woman. This made her feel safe by giving her the

    illusion that she could resolve the situation. Her father was a

    controller, and so in order to feel empowered in her difficult

    situation she became a controller as well. She tried to control her

    fathers mood and defend her family from him, and went on to try

    and control everyone elses emotions. When there is any hint of

    emotional tension or confusion in her world, Cindy feels unsafe.

    She creates a sense of safety by squashing her own emotions

    and being highly critical of herself and others.

    Joan learned that any expression of emotion is not okay,and she interpreted this to mean that expressing yourself in any

    22

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    27/203

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    28/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    there will be one main strategy that maintains a false sense ofintegrity/self-identification.

    Strategy Quiz-o-Rama

    Now is the time for real honesty. The more honest you

    can be with this exercise the easier it will be for you to start

    undoing the unconscious actions you take from your strategies.

    You will be taking this quiz for yourself, but to get the

    most out of it, pretend that the person you are responding about

    is a good friend of yours. Find your witness/objectivity and review

    your life through your best friends eyes. Get as quiet and neutral

    as you can and then put a number next to the statements. Place

    a 0 next to the ones that the person never does and a 5 next to

    the ones they always do, and a number between 1 and 4 for

    actions they take varying amounts of the time.

    Section 1:

    They do things for other people even when their schedule is full

    and they dont have any time for themselves. ___

    They talk about other peoples process and lives all the time.

    _____

    They get resentful when other people do not appreciate what

    they have done for them. _____

    24

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    29/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    They get upset with people being selfish. ___

    They at least say a partial yes to even the most outrageous

    requests of other people make of them. ____

    The significant people in their lives are very controlling and/or

    demanding. ____

    They always ask what everyone else wants to do when you go

    out to dinner, movies, or other social activities. ____

    Section 2:

    Their work and/or home environment is very neat and organized.

    ______

    They always have an opinion about almost any topic. _____

    They get upset when their preferences are not met. ______

    They are always organizing groups, meetings, and other events.

    _____

    People often get irritated with their bossiness. ____

    They appear to be very disciplined, and always have a lot ofthings going on. ______

    25

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    30/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    They spend a lot of time convincing people to do things their

    way. _____

    Section 3:

    Their work and/or home environment is messy and disorganized.

    ____

    They are constantly multi-tasking. ____

    They start many projects, but finish very few of them. ____

    They are always reading books, going to movies, watching TV or

    going shopping. _____

    They are usually living beyond their means. ______

    They are very funny and relieve tense situations with humor.

    ____

    Their thoughts jump from topic to topic, and they have a hard

    time staying focused on anything for long. _____

    Section 4:

    They are often shy around meeting new people. ____

    26

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    31/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    In social situations they often pull books off of shelves and read

    them, look out the window, play with dogs or children, or drink a

    lot and leave early. ______

    They love doing things by themselves. Most of the things they

    would consider relaxing involve getting away from people.

    ______

    They are often grumpy, and they walk around with a frown on

    their face even when they are not grumpy. ____

    They feel superior to others, and often feel misunderstood.

    _____

    They love animals, plants, and nature, often more than they like

    other people. ______

    They usually take off or disappear if other people are displaying

    a lot of emotion. _______

    Add up your scores in each section. The one with the highest

    amount is your core strategy. Section one is pleaser, section two

    is controller, section three is a distracter and section four is an

    isolator.

    Work with this strategy in all the coming sections. Ofcourse, you will have elements of each in your makeup, but the

    27

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    32/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    core strategy is the first and most important to unravel! If youhave any doubt ask a good friend or family member which one

    you are, most of the time we can easily identify which strategy

    someone we are close to is. (Much to our chagrin its pretty

    transparent to everyone around us what motivates us in the

    world It is only our fear that makes us believe we are

    actually succeeding in hiding it from everyone.) Or just pick one

    and work with it!

    Getting Bigger

    Our unconscious strategies crimp us into a role. It is like

    wearing clothes and shoes that we outgrew long ago. The shirt

    binds us under our armpits, the tight pants make it hard to move,

    and the shoes are killing our feet and making us unsteady. But

    we pretend we are not suffering. We are determined to make this

    outfit work, damnit!

    Yes, taking those old clothes off can feel frightening after

    years of adaptation! You have learned how to make the best of

    them. But they are crippling you! Hello!

    Gary was a classic isolator. He lived by himself and

    rarely interacted with the outside world. He was quiet, shy, and

    timid in social situations. When he did stretch himself and try

    new adventurous things he opened up beautifully, but would

    often then feel scared and vulnerable afterwards, since he was

    breaking his structure by being intimate with others. Since he didnot see the pattern that having an opening experience was

    28

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    33/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    followed by vulnerability, he would get overwhelmed and shuthimself down again by drinking heavily. When he came out of the

    binge, he would feel guilty and so isolate even more.

    While he was a wonderful artist he kept his work to

    himself, secretly dreaming of bringing his work to the public but

    not taking any action.

    Through our advanced apprenticeship program, Gary

    began to understand the underlying causes of his isolating. He

    saw that while isolating was familiar, he was cutting off his

    passion and hiding his true self. We invited him to assist us at a

    class series, and while he was terrified, he agreed. While he still

    wanted to stay hidden, he trusted our guidance and went where

    it was uncomfortable over and over again. Over two years we

    kept encouraging him to get in front of people and teach as a

    way to break his fears and smallness. And he started getting

    inspired about his own artwork. All his time being alone had

    actually created a strong connection to his own source and a big

    vision, he had just been afraid to access the power to make

    himself known in the world.

    A new idea started percolating: what if he took the studio

    he had built as his private place to shoot photographs and

    created a public salon for artwork? And he could then have the

    first public showing! Over three months he probably tried to pull

    out of his show three times, and each time we reminded him it

    did not have to be perfect, it was about getting out into the world,

    and even if he only had four pieces and only a handful of peopleshowed up, it would be a huge success.

    29

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    34/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    And it was! Garys first show in ten years opened witheighteen brilliant photographs printed on canvas, about fifty

    people, and four pieces sold in two hours! He went on to sell

    several more pieces and bring his photographs to a larger studio.

    He now plans to expand his work in the United States and

    internationally over the next four years.

    He also continued teaching and is now one of our top

    teachers and coaches. He remarked to me recently, I used to

    say I hated community, and now I am so thrilled to have people

    around my house and be part of so many peoples lives. I am

    definitely not an isolator anymore!

    His movement from unconscious strategy to conscious

    purpose came from dedication, faith, and willingness over and

    over again to be in uncomfortable situations. You can do the

    same!

    Beyond Strategies: Discovering Your Purpose

    In order to return to your Spiritual Integrity, you must

    move beyond your core strategy. Yet your core strategy is so

    woven into the fabric of your being that it will take focused action

    to untangle what is your true integrity and what is a strategy.

    Often when you begin to unravel your strategy the

    response is... but how else could I act? What should I do?

    Instead of living unconsciously from strategies masking

    as our integrity you can consciously align to a key factor ofintegrity: A clearly defined purpose.

    30

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    35/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    Usually there are only two reasons we do not alreadyknow our purpose. The first is we have never looked, and the

    second is that we do not want to know because then we would

    be responsible for it. We would often rather stay with the

    discomfort of being afraid, apathetic, and blaming than take

    responsibility for the discomfort of knowing we are not living our

    highest path. We are always at choice you see, no one will force

    you to live out your Purpose, you have to actively choose it

    before it will be your experience of life.

    There is no more important task than finding your

    purpose. Purpose gives your life context. It allows you to see

    your unconscious beliefs reflected in actions that are clearly not

    toward your purpose, but away from it or distractions from it.

    Purpose inspires us to be more than our story, to strive toward

    giving it all up to God/dess, to make every action a sacred one

    that brings us more in touch with our divinity.

    We have to be able to face the truth to live our purpose.

    The first thing we find (of course) is that for the most part we are

    not living our purpose, we are living out some story based drama

    that doesnt serve us, our highest purpose or anything else

    except the maintaining of the drama.

    Your purpose is not a trap. The words you use to

    describe it might change over time, but the feeling of living your

    life as fully as you can, in alignment with your deepest integrity

    does not. The description of that feeling might be different every

    five minutes, but the feeling of being in alignment has a surety of

    31

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    36/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    knowing that does not waver. You are the gift being given as fullyas possible.

    You yearn to give all of yourself to your purpose, it is

    agony when you cannot. That agony is the suffering all traditions

    talk about. It is the uncomfortable knowing that you are out of

    alignment with your essence. That there must be something

    more to this than the meaningless high drama you find yourself

    wrapped up in. There is! Deep down you know this; you know

    you were meant to live a Divine life full of meaning, peace, and

    joy.

    A great step in moving toward that is to find your

    purpose and devote your life to living it. After all, what else is

    there to do? Are all the ways you are wasting your time right now

    really that important? Important enough that when you die you

    will be happy with how you spent your time?

    Knowing your purpose is the anchor that keeps you on

    the path of living the divine more fully in each moment. Purpose

    gives your energy a focus, it gives you inspiration, and it pulls

    you forward when things get difficult. The art of believing in

    something without attachment gives form to energy, and allows

    your creations to move you more toward who you want to be in

    each moment, rather that creating things that move you deeper

    and deeper into the suffering of believing in your limitations.

    Purpose helps you move from unwillingness to

    Willingness, from despair to Joy, from senseless activity to

    Sacred Action. By bringing your purpose to bear on all thedecisions you make in your life things become uncomplicated. It

    32

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    37/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    either serves your purpose or it does not. When you believe inyour purpose there is no confusion about what to do next. You

    just focus on your Purpose and let the next action arise from

    that.

    Purpose is another way of saying faith. It is having faith

    that indeed this life does have meaning. Your purpose will never

    be what you think it is, it will always be what you feelit is.

    Purpose is not a detailed plan taking you from point A to

    B. It is a feeling state that brings you fulfillment and directs your

    actions toward your highest expression in each moment.

    Living your purpose is being your purpose in each

    moment. The goal is the continual manifestation of more of you

    in each moment. Come out and play! We want to see more of

    your true self, more of your incredible gift. Why not?

    Purpose is giving your gift as fully as you can in each

    moment. It is giving your presence in service to the Divine. It is

    being conscious and aware of the god force flowing through and

    around you in every moment. Knowing thyself, knowing yourself

    as Spirit incarnate, as the One, whole and complete in each

    moment.

    Purpose is the understanding that while we will never

    intellectually grasp the fullness of this life we can be it by living

    our highest ideal in each moment. Purpose is the deep knowing

    that life is a mysterious and magical pathway back to our

    essence. Giving our fullest gifts is the outward reflection of that

    inner essence we find at the core of our being, beneath thepersonality and mind play of the illusion we have created.

    33

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    38/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    Dedication to purpose is the warriors pledge tothemselves that they will strive to honor their own integrity by

    being impeccable with their words, thoughts, and actions.

    Cultivating Your Willingness

    With purpose comes willingness. Willingness to deal with

    the discomfort of life, understanding that discomfort is just that, it

    doesnt mean you are doing anything wrong, it is simply what is

    happening now (or not), as you live your purpose.

    We are so narrowed by our core strategy that we often

    see no other options. And as we start to challenge the strategy,

    we feel insecure and out of control. This is where willingness

    comes in. Instead of becoming overwhelmed and confused, you

    can learn to consciously cultivate your desire to live your

    Spiritual Integrity, beyond strategies. Your willingness will be the

    fuel as you untangle your strategies and learn new channels of

    behavior.

    By cultivating conscious willingness, you will stay steady

    through the uncomfortable places as you unravel your authentic

    integrity from your strategies. Willingness does not mean you

    have it all figured out or you know what comes next. Willingness

    is a state of opening to anything that arises and staying present

    with whatever your mind, emotions, and body is doing.

    Willingness has to begin somewhere, and that

    somewhere is the truth. Not where you wish you were or thinkyou should be, but the truth of where you are really at in this

    34

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    39/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    moment. You need to be truly willing to tell yourself the truthabout what you want to transform in your life.

    If you are like most people, there is a part of you that

    doesnt want to change, that is invested in the strategy you have

    created, and that believes fully that your strategy will keep you

    safe.

    To return to your Spiritual Integrity means you must be

    willing to be uncomfortable, to step out into unknown territory.

    The desire to do this cannot be faked. You need to know to the

    depths of your being that it does not serve you to hold to these

    limitations, even though you do not yet know how to live without

    them.

    Our willingness to change is in direct proportion to our

    willingness to experience discomfort. It is the search for the

    illusory state of being comfortable all the time in life that keeps

    us from truly exposing our unconscious limitations and changing

    them. Our search for comfort is often completely a lie. We tell

    ourselves that we feel more comfortable when we act from one

    of our strategies, but the truth is we are causing ourselves

    incredible discomfort by being out of integrity from acting from

    the strategy. The strategies are usually just a deflection into a

    type of discomfort that we are familiarwith, rather than a type of

    discomfort that is unknown.

    The discomfort we feel in breaking our unconscious

    patterns is no greater in any way than the discomfort we

    experience from playing them our in the world, we have justgotten familiar with the former and placed a matrix of fear around

    35

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    40/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    the latter. The real difference is that one type of discomfort keepscycling an endless wheel of suffering and the other type of

    discomfort breaks the pattern of suffering and opens you up to

    new possibilities. This creates the space for you to get into your

    own integrity and not suffer from the actions you are taking.

    Ravens journey of moving through his pleaser strategy

    exemplifies working with discomfort.

    In the beginning when I was enmeshed in the strategy I

    felt like I had to say yes to anyone who asked me to do

    something for them. Not only that, I had to figure out what other

    people needed and if at all possible provide it for them before

    they even asked for it. What this was like internally was a

    constant state of low anxiety. My internal dialogue was always

    talking to me about what I needed to do for other people so they

    would accept me, love me, give me affection and approval.

    This low state of anxiety ran inside of me most of my life,

    causing me incredible discomfort all the time. Much of my

    internal dialogue revolved around what other people might need

    of me and how in the world was I going to provide it for them,

    how was I going to do all of these things that everyone wanted

    me to do so that I could feel safe, loved, and so people

    respected and valued me. With this internal dialogue came a

    constant stream of ideas around not having value, how I needed

    other people to validate me or I was nothing. I always felt a

    sense of low self worth unless someone was acknowledging me

    for something I had done for them.

    36

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    41/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    Of course, many, many times I would do something forsomeone and they wouldnt acknowledge it (or it just was not

    important to them) and I wouldnt get any validation for doing it.

    And many times I did get validation. But if I didnt get the

    validation I would tell myself that I just hadnt done a good

    enough job, that I hadnt answered their problem, or hadnt given

    them what they needed to a full enough extent, which is why I

    didnt get the validation. So I would try harder and create more

    anxiety and worry about what I could do to please people rather

    than noticing some people validated me whether I pleased them

    or not, and other people didnt validate me no matter what I did

    for them.

    When I began to understand this and began working to

    break my pattern of saying yes to everyone I took on certain

    commitments at different times around telling people no.

    Sometimes I went for weeks at a time without doing

    anything for anyone else. The discomfort I felt during those times

    was really high. My judge was constantly telling me you are

    being self-absorbed, selfish, you are being mean, you arent

    taking responsibility for things There was a big internal

    discomfort around breaking the pattern, but looking back I can

    see that this discomfort was really minor in comparison to the

    constant state of anxiety I had around pleasing people.

    When I stayed with the discomfort and held myself

    through it, I finally broke the habitual pattern inside myself of

    saying yes no matter what, and came back to a place of beingable to say yes and mean it. I shifted into being able to do

    37

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    42/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    things for people because I truly felt like doing it for. I no longerhad any regard for the outcome or a need for them to tell me I

    had done a good job.

    What opened up for me was a place of incredible Divine

    service. When I do have the spaciousness to say yes to people

    now Im saying that yes from a place of knowing it serves my

    purpose and my connection to Spirit. Because of this when I go

    into service I can bring all of myself, all my awareness, presence,

    and power into what I am doing, because I am not concerned

    with what their response is going to be. I am not constantly

    watching the people around me to see if they approve of what I

    am doing or not.

    Today I make my decisions from a place of my own

    integrity, and that is a place of incredible freedom and lightness.

    It is a place of opening into each action that I do for another

    person as a service to God/dess. So my yes is an incredible

    yes that serves me and the other person into God/dess the most

    that I possibly can in each moment. When I say yes to

    something I put all of myself behind it, and I feel totally fulfilled by

    taking the action, regardless of the outcome. This is liberation!

    What it took to get there was my willingness to go into a

    lot of discomfort in the form of my internal judgment and holding

    myself through the disappointment of anyone I had

    unconsciously set up this care-taker dynamic with. The

    unconsciousness pattern of saying yes to everything anyone

    wanted had to be consciously broken. The pattern createdanxiety and limitation in my ability to respond to other people,

    38

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    43/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    caused me incredible suffering, and made me in-effective in theworld because my energy was scattered everywhere, to

    everyone else in my life. The pain I felt for a year of two in

    completely breaking this pattern was nothing compared to the

    pain I felt from playing it over and over, year after year, in a spiral

    of despair and lack of fulfillment from life.

    So our willingness to step out of the known and into the

    unknown, to take new actions that we havent taken before often

    comes from the acknowledgment of the amount of suffering we

    are causing ourselves by playing these strategies out over and

    over. It is the coming into awareness of the anxiety that was

    created inside of me by worrying about whether I was doing

    enough for others for them to like me that became the stimulus

    for me to change. Bringing awareness to the places that you feel

    out of integrity is the greatest motivator for having the willingness

    to change them.

    This book will inspire you to become bigger than your

    strategies. From a place of purpose you will learn to explore your

    inner structure, understand where you are in your own journey of

    mental, emotional, and physical integrity, and become fluid in

    untangling any limitations to letting your Spiritual Integrity shine

    through.

    At the end of each chapter we share specific tools and

    practices. We call these explorations to support you in entering

    this work with a light heart and a big does of curiosity. You are

    welcome to read through the entire book first and then look at

    39

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    44/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    the explorations, or read the explorations and do them one at atime. Make them work for you!

    INITIAL EXPLORATION

    Strategies and Willingness

    Spend the next few days witnessing your strategy. How

    does it play out in your life? How does it affect you? Play with

    being inspired by the brilliance of your strategy, not overwhelmed

    by its strength. Notice how it served you in the past, knowing as

    you gain awareness of the ins and outs of your strategy, you are

    gaining power over it.

    Ask yourself: Are you willing to learn to live beyond your

    strategy? Are you willing to break a long chain of ancestral

    patterning? Are you willing to take the risk to do what needs to

    be done so you can live from your integrity in every aspect of

    your life? What do you need to do to cultivate more willingness?

    Finding Your Purpose

    Two ways to find your Purpose:

    1. Do a writing exercise, asking the question What drives

    me, what is my passion? What am I passionate about?

    After doing the exercise, cross off everything that

    40

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    45/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    involves getting something from another person. Nextcross off anything that is a reflection of what others think

    about you. What is left will be your purpose. If nothing is

    left then go back and look at what feeling state inside

    yourself that you are trying to create with your actions

    toward others. That will be the lead in to your purpose.

    This might be a word, a sentence, or a paragraph that

    embodies your passion.

    2. Do a 3-5 day Vision Quest. No food, out in the

    wilderness, alone (or in an empty room with no

    distractions if you cant arrange wilderness). This is the

    old-school way. Pretty much guaranteed you will know

    what is important to you and what is garbage by the time

    you come out. See Tom Browns book below for more

    information on how to set it up.

    Resources for Finding Your Purpose

    If you need more resources try the methods in Tom Browns

    Vision Quest, David Deidas Way of the Superior Man, James

    Redfields Celestine Prophecyor Lance Secretans Inspire.

    41

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    46/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    Chapter TwoMental Integrity

    Making Your Mind Your Ally

    Mental integrity comes when you release your judge and stop

    punishing yourself. You view yourself with compassion instead

    of criticism. You learn from your mistakes gracefully, and canquiet your minds chatter so you consistently hear your own true

    voice.

    For most of us, the mind is not a helpful ally on our

    journey, but more like an obnoxious tyrant that taunts us and

    constantly tells us where we are falling short. While our minds

    are designed to help us move through the material world, to

    figure out how to do things, and to look after the survival of our

    physical bodies, most of us struggle with various types of mind

    torture: comparison, judgment, victimization, projection, fear, and

    disaster thinking.

    A mind left to its own rule is rarely in the present

    moment. If you watch your mind for a few hours you will see that

    your thoughts jump from past to future, crazily trying to keep you

    safe by pointing out all the bad things that have happened, or

    telling you all the bad things that could happen in the future. Or

    you spend your time fantasizing about how it was or how it might

    be, without opening your eyes to what is in the now!

    42

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    47/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    Your mind has taken center stage, telling you that yourstrategy is your integrity, and that what it perceives day to day is

    the whole truth. Not so!

    Our fundamental mistake is that we identify ourselves

    with the mind, rather with our boundless essence. We have

    given over the control of our perception of reality to a tool that is

    only one tool in a vast toolbox of consciousness. We then called

    this tool me and left behind our vastness. This limits our

    existence to a narrow band of vision, and buries the light of our

    essential nature.

    To access your Mental Integrity, you must completely

    rewire they way you relate to your mind. The mind out of integrity

    runs you. The mind in integrity is a tool cradled by the warm

    hands of your awareness.

    Mental Integrity means knowing to your core, not just

    with your mind, but with all aspects of yourself, that you are not

    what you think you are! Your vastness cannot be contained by

    thinking. Creating space between your little mind and your

    spiritual essence is the first step towards reclaiming your

    integrity. In many traditions this is called cultivating your Witness,

    finding the still small voice, or detachment.

    To systematically rewire your mind to support you on

    your journey to Mental Integrity, it helps to have a model to map

    where you have been, where you are going, and how to get

    there.

    43

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    48/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    The Spiral Path

    Toltec teacher Gini Gentry first introduced us to the

    concept of the spiral. She was using the idea of a spiral to talk

    about how when we are learning to speak our truth we go

    through different periods where different things are true. For us it

    became a model for describing all the different aspects of our

    path toward personal awakening, including our path to mental

    integrity.

    The Spiral is the best visual form and concept we have

    run across as a model for incorporating this idea of constant

    change into how we conceptualize our spiritual path, our path

    toward integrity and awakening to our true potential and

    essence.

    The Spiral gives us a beginning point and an endpoint.

    The loops of the spiral help us see that we are involved in a

    process, and that process has stages (designated by the loops

    of the spiral) that are both independent and at the same time

    connected to the overall path.

    By taking this to heart we can build a roadmap to

    achieving full inner and outer integrity. This spiral path can also

    be mapped onto any individual process we are moving through,

    whether it is our coming into integrity with our mind or emotions,

    learning to speak our truth, dealing with past trauma, or how we

    work through our issues around power, money, and control.

    As with all models it is a picture of the truth, not truthitself. As such it has limitations. A model cannot describe every

    44

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    49/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    individual situation, or take into account crossovers betweendifferent issues. It can give us a powerful place to start, and a

    way to place what others have learned into an easy to

    understand format to use as a guide for our own development.

    Walking the Spiral

    The fundamental nature of this place we find ourselvesin, this world of form and spirit, is one of change. Change is the

    one constant we can point to. Everything is in flux and change all

    the time throughout our lives. Much of the fearful illusion we lead

    our lives in is based on the unfortunate idea that we can

    somehow find a place of stasis in our lives where nothing is

    changing, everything is stable and secure and safe. Such a

    place does not exist! The function of this reality is change, it is

    simply not part of its design to stay motionless and static. It is a

    dynamic, mysterious, and wonderful place, and it is ALWAYS

    changing.

    Once we grasp the nature of change the next thing we

    need to understand about the spiral is that different things are

    true at different points along it. Our point of perception changes

    as we move along the spiral, thus our whole frame of reference

    changes as well, making things true that before were false and

    vice versus. Truth is a verb! It is completely based on your frame

    of reference as to whether things are true or not true.

    Lets look at perception in terms of color for a moment. If

    each loop is a different color then the world is totally flavored by

    that color while you are in that part of the loop.

    45

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    50/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    So when you are in red the whole world is red. Theworld is not green or blue, because the framework of green is

    not available yet, so you cant take it into account in your

    perceptions. Thus the actions to move through the red part of

    the spiral are different actions than you will need to move

    through the green part of the spiral. The tools you will use and

    the actual things you will need to do to continue your growth will

    change over time. You must have the fluidity to change with the

    situation or you will inevitably get stuck in dogma and tradition for

    the sake of tradition instead of as an honoring of what was done

    in the past.

    Working within this spiral model fosters internal flexibility

    and compassion towards others and self. No one is better or

    worse, we are all simply at different parts of the spiral of change

    and transformation. Another gift of the spiral is increased

    knowing about where to apply your energy, based on where you

    are on the spiral.

    The spiral of the mind starts with complete unconscious

    identification with the mind and our strategies, and moves

    through three loops: honesty, acceptance, and clarity, before we

    wake up as pure presence, a state of no-mind, where our mind

    dissolves into the ocean of pure awareness.

    Mental integrity is not about being at the end the spiral,

    but honoring where we are in the spiral and doing our work to

    continue to move more and more towards pure presence. When

    we show up with ourselves where we are at in our process, and

    46

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    51/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    can witness with love the various stages of our own evolution,we are in our integrity.

    The Spiral of the Mind

    At the beginning point of the spiral of the mind we

    believe everything our mind tells us. We unconsciously live outour strategies and beliefs, and do not realize that we are filtering

    everything we perceive. We absolutely believe we are our mind.

    So how exactly does the mind run this show, anyway? A

    part of your mind is memory, a part is awareness of your body, a

    part runs the body, one half creates things, and the other half

    catalogues things There is all this stuff going on, yet there is

    something we identify with as me, as this is who I am. That

    part of your mind is what the Toltec call the internal dialogue.

    Psychology calls it your ego, yogis call it your little self, we call it

    your Center of Rational Attachment Problem (CRAP for short).

    Just kidding! Lets settle on internal dialogue, as this describes in

    a real sense what exactly is going on.

    This internal dialogue maintains your sense of I or self.

    It is you constantly talking to yourself, telling yourself who you

    are (stupid, fat, not enough, too muchthats just brilliant isnt

    it?), what is happening (as if you didnt already know!), and what

    might happen (most of which it is wrong about). In short, it is a

    non-stop, mostly cyclic loop of thoughts that you decided you

    47

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    52/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    needed to do at some point to fit in with all of these lunatics youwere surrounded by.

    We create our strategies early on by watching and

    responding to the people around us. The problem is our mind

    cleverly starts repeating all the things we need to remember to

    do in order to be okay. I need to be perfect. I should be quiet.

    I must stay busy. I have to fight to be safe.

    Over time we start thinking that the repetitive thoughts

    are who we really are, not just a momentary strategy. We

    became attached to what it is saying, forgetting that the mind is

    just a memory device, not something that could actually perceive

    the world directly. Thats right, most people have deluded

    themselves into thinking they are actually a bunch of post-it

    notes!

    What we miss is that our internal dialogue is always

    filtering everything through our strategies. Because of this, it is

    not only several steps behind what is happening in this moment,

    it is seldom accurate! Most people do not realize that when

    spiritual teachers talk about staying present, being in the now,

    enjoying this moment, they are not talking about your mind doing

    that. Your mind cant be in this moment completely, because that

    is not part of its function!

    The minds function is to interpret data that has come in

    from your senses and present it to you in packets of information,

    packets that have been separated out from the whole, packets

    that it has deemed worthy of your attention. By the time the datahas come in it has been sorted, rewritten to be something

    48

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    53/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    presentable as language, then spoken back to you as what ishappening, the event your mind is yakking to you about has long

    since passed. It is now a memory, not what is happening in this

    new moment!

    The best the mind can hope to do is to record something

    where you were actually present to play back to you later.

    This is a very important thing to understand, because

    your mind only has a concept of the endpoint of the spiral, it has

    no direct experience of it. Since the mind works to create

    separation, it cannot grasp the wholeness of your being, it

    cannot directly experience Spirit.

    Mental Awareness

    The first loop of the spiral of the mind moves us into the

    realm of awareness. Instead of believing our thoughts and

    strategies, we begin to question them. This questioning allows us

    to begin telling ourselves the truth. In this part of the process we

    begin to realize that we are not in control of our thoughts.

    This dawning of awareness is the key to mental integrity.

    With awareness you will learn to become conscious of what is

    happening within and around you. You will feel your body, be

    aware of your environment and what is happening in it, and be

    paying close attention to what your mind is trying to get you to

    do.

    49

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    54/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    The part of you capable of doing all of thatsimultaneously is what comes present. it is not your mind, it is

    the seed of your consciousness, pure awareness.

    But before we can get there we need to know more

    about this internal dialogue we have placed between us and the

    direct experience of reality. We need to understand that even

    though it is a complete illusion, it is also a powerful force in our

    lives, for we have given it the power to filter and distort

    everything we perceive about the nature of our existence.

    In its natural state the mind really does function like a

    wave. When it is needed it arises from the ocean, exists for a

    while as it performs its function, then subsides back into the

    ocean. Our identification with the mind distorts this function. We

    artificially try and keep the mind in existence at all times and

    mistakenly tie our survival to the wave. We feel our existence is

    threatened any time that identification is challenged, or any time

    there are gaps in the constant flow of thoughts and identifications

    we create by associating who we are with the mind.

    Our beliefs form the foundation for the minds

    artificial existence. (AE for short) Beliefs are the identification

    and attachment we have linked to the concept of I as

    something distinct and separate from the One. The process we

    are involved in is the removal of the identification with those

    beliefs, bringing us to a place of simple choice in the moment.

    From a very young age we are taught the first lie on

    which all other lies are based: that there is somethingfundamentally wrong with us that keeps people from accepting

    50

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    55/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    us fully or loving us completely. We are taught that we must DOsomething in order to get affection, love, and acceptance from

    those around us. We are taught that we are not whole inside of

    ourselves, and that we need to get approval from others to be a

    complete and whole being.

    This lie in whatever form it takes for you is the basis for

    all the subsequent stories we tell ourselves about how we have

    to be in the world. It is the foundation of all the strategies we

    come up with to limit ourselves, to conform to what other people

    think and feel about us, and to modify our behavior to be more

    acceptable to others.

    The only way to change these behaviors and stop

    punishing ourselves is to become aware of what we are actually

    saying to ourselves internally. There is no way you can change a

    limiting behavior if you cant see that you are doing it. There is no

    way to change the stories you are telling yourself without first

    really listening to the stories. You cant get out of hell unless you

    realize that you are burning and it is painful. Otherwise you dont

    have any motivation to get out. You stay unconscious of the pain

    and suffering and just plod along until everything suddenly ends

    with your death, then you look back and think what the hell was

    I thinking? Why did I do that to myself when I could have been

    living in Joy and Presence with all the incredible gifts this life had

    to offer?

    The blessing is that we all have the opportunity to wake

    up before our death. It is never too late; all we need is the desire

    51

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    56/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    to really see the truth, and we are on our way to creating changeand transformation.

    This loop of the spiral is challenging, because it asks us

    to face the suffering our mind is causing us with its judgments

    and fear. We often spend our lives pretending that we are loving,

    kind, and happy to the outside world, while we are hateful, mean,

    and depressed on the inside.

    We must be willing to really listen and observe what we

    have created in our internal world. It takes great strength and

    determination to admit to what we have created. Without this first

    step, nothing else is really possible.

    Sometimes it takes glimpsing ourselves through the

    eyes of another to be willing to be honest with ourselves. We

    may return from this glimpse unsure about what to do next, but

    the peek beneath our mental chaos becomes our inspiration.

    Raven and the Experience Unconditional Love

    When I (Raven) met my first teacher I was incredibly

    aloof and cynical about life. I had sunk to the depths of hell

    internally, bored and disillusioned with life, everything seemed

    empty to me and I equated that feeling with my self worth. I had

    none as far as I was concerned and I hated the feeling of that.

    In the world I would never admit any of this. I was

    cheerful and easy going unless challenged by something. Then I

    worked to force people to acknowledge what I had done forthem, yet when they did in the next breath I would negate that it

    52

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    57/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    was any big deal or that what I had done had any value. I huntedfor approval from others so I could feel some sense of worth, yet

    I unconsciously chose to hang out with people who almost never

    approved of me.

    After a very few encounters my teacher had a

    conversation with me that changed my life forever. After walking

    me through what I described above he said, Raven, I know you

    think you dont have any self worth. I want you to know that I do,

    that I believe 100% in your intrinsic value, in who you really are,

    and I want you to trust in my belief when those voices in your

    head are telling you that you are worthless. He said it all with

    such tenderness, with so much openness and at the same time

    such a fierceness of energy and intent it truly blew me away.

    For a moment I experienced myself as he was

    experiencing me in that moment, and I saw the illusion of who I

    thought I was so clearly. I was not the limitation of the form I had

    created. I was the pure consciousness he talked about as the

    endpoint. And that consciousness had infinite value and that

    value had nothing to do with anything I had ever done or thought

    or would ever do or think. It was eternally, infinitely whole and

    would never be affected by what I thought of myself. The

    experience was both incredibly humbling and loving at the same

    time. I knew I mattered to my teacher and to consciousness in an

    indescribable and paradoxical way that my mind would never

    understand.

    This was my first glimpse at what unconditional lovemight be like. Love not as an attachment of the mind, love not as

    53

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    58/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    an attachment to an emotion, but love as pure being, as divinity,with no distinction between the lover and the beloved.

    From this opening, I was inspired and supported to

    continue to be honest with my teacher about what my mind was

    actually saying, instead of pretending everything was okay. This

    cleared the way for the next two loops in the spiral, acceptance

    and clarity.

    Acceptance of Mind

    The second loop on the spiral of the mind revolves

    around acceptance. We have to re-train ourselves to stop

    judging our mind, but to accept the ebb and flow of thinking. We

    begin to shift our attention away from the thoughts themselves,

    and into witnessing what arises without attachment.

    We have to approach telling ourselves the truth from a

    place of accepting what is without judgment. This takes practice!

    The initial tendency is always to start seeing what we have done

    and go Yuck, this is so disgusting, how could I have done this

    or Oh my god, there are so many places Im out of integrity, how

    will I ever clean this up? or I cant believe how screwed up this

    society is/my parents are/ my teachers were. Reigning in this

    kind of judgment is fundamental to being able to continue with

    the process.

    Acceptance allows us to find the place inside of

    ourselves that can forgive what we have done and what hasbeen done to us. The truth is that we had little or no chance of

    54

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    59/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    not creating these limiting structures, since they are part of ourearliest socialization. We didnt have the strength as children to

    resist them, and before now we never had the awareness to

    even notice they had been created.

    If we start down the road of using our truth telling to

    punish ourselves we immediately fall back into the trap of the

    limiting beliefs again. The judgment/punishment is built in to the

    structure of those lies-- it is designed to keep you from

    challenging them, and it is the first thing that will arise when you

    start telling yourself the truth. Start by being kind to yourself,

    accepting where you are with no blame or need to punish. This

    will move you into the second loop of the spiral of the mind.

    There is often a lot of confusion around the concept of

    acceptance. Acceptance is not a passive state of hopelessness

    about your situation. It is not a place of giving up on yourself. It

    is also not some la-de-da state of everything is light and love

    and great just the way it is. Acceptance is an active state of

    honestly looking at what is going on, taking responsibility for it

    without judgment, and working to find a place of openness and

    inspiration to explore something different than what you have

    created in the past.

    A great experience about acceptance happened to me

    (Raven) at a circle of Fire celebration in 2001. Toward the end of

    this weeklong event with Don Miguel Ruiz we did a beautiful

    ceremony, a spiral dance orchestrated by Heather Ash. During

    this ceremony I came face to face with everyone there (some

    55

  • 8/3/2019 Stop Seeking - Start Being

    60/203

    Stop Seeking, Start Being!

    200 people) after having just had an incredible heart openingexperience during the earlier part of the ceremony.

    For the