stop sibling fights - peelschools.org

STOP SIBLING FIGHTS 1

Sarah Rosensweet

StopSiblingFights

a Guide

Published by Sarah Rosensweet

© 2020 Toronto, Ontario, Canada

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All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher, except as permitted by Canadian copyright law. For permissions fill out the contact form at www.sarahrosensweet.com/contact

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If you are tired of your children fighting but aren’t sure what to do to stop it, this book is for you. We’ll start by looking at the root of sibling fighting and how to fix it.

You’ll learn why you need to intervene in a sibling fight and how to do so in a way that teaches your kids great conflict negotiation skills.

Our children can best friends or declared enemies for life- how we handle their conflict and respond to their feelings plays a large role in determining which one it will be.

I’m Sarah Rosensweet. I’m a Peaceful Parenting Coach and mama to 3 big kids (two boys, ages 19 and 16, and a girl, age 13.)

I’m here to support YOU. I invite you to join my peaceful parenting community: the Peaceful Parenting with Sarah Rosensweet Facebook group or reach out to me personally for a free short consult at sarahrosensweet.com.

Together we can make parenting easier and help you enjoy your kids again.

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STOP SIBLING RIVALRYYou are here so you must be like most parents who wonder: “Why the bick-ering? Why the jealousy? Why can’t they just get along?”

SIBLING RIVALRY. Such an innocuous sounding name for something that causes us so many headaches and so much heartache!

We are evolutionarily hard-wired to seek connection with our caregiver. We rely on it for our survival. Connection for children means lots of attention. And when children feel they aren’t getting enough of it, they will try very hard to get some.

When children feel they don’t have enough of us, they take it out on each other. Attention paid to a sibling is attention they aren’t getting. They think (consciously or unconsciously) “If she weren’t here, I’d have mom all to my-self.” They (consciously or unconsciously!) will test you to make sure they are still the apple of your eye.

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Their need for attention and connection + the fact that children see each other as the reason WHY they are not getting enough attention = sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry causes bickering and squabbling, hair pulling and hit-ting, jealousy and whining (“It’s not fair!”)

You hear from the next room, “Mom!! He won’t give me back my guy!” They want you to drop what you’re doing and solve it. When kids fight and you come running, each is hoping you will choose them and validate their worth in your eyes. “Dad loves me best!” When you interact with them it satisfies their desire for attention: “Mom’s paying attention to me. I am safe.”

Negative attention is better than none at all and during a sibling fight your attention is now on your child. If you do intervene, maybe you’ll rule in their favour proving that you love them best. If you don’t intervene, you’re pret-ty sure things will quickly deteriorate.

As a parent and a parenting coach, I ask, “What’s driving the behaviour?” In many cases of sibling fighting, it’s a need for more connection and atten-tion from YOU.

What can you do to get to the root of the problem? One-on-one time ev-ery day with each child. Fill them up with attention and show them that you could never love anyone more than you love them. Seriously. I know *you* know how important it is to have one-on-one time with each child. We all do!

But do you manage to make that one-on-one time happen? I know it feels overwhelming and life is so busy! Just for a minute think about how much time you spend refereeing sibling battles… Let’s take that time and use it to build connection with your child (and get to the root cause of sibling rivalry!)

Starting NOW make a commitment to yourself to have 15 minutes a day every day with each child. You don’t need to go for ice cream, you don’t even need to leave the house!

I have a magic tool for you. It’s called Special Time. Special Time is 15 min-utes a day alone with your child, immersing yourself in their world.


Build with Lego, play Frozen (they get to be Elsa!), have a pillow fight, make them into a pizza. (How do you make your child into a pizza? Roll out the “dough,” top it with pretend sauce with a big rub down, sprinkle with fin-gerfuls of “cheese” and other toppings. “Bake” and eat! Delicious and hilari-ous!) Roughhouse, chase each other, make each other laugh.

Special Time is like medicine or essential nutrients for kids. It’s not just a nice piece of cake for dessert, it’s the birthday cake that your favourite person baked just for you in your favourite flavour in your favourite co-lours with candles and sprinkles on top.

Special Time: No screens, no reading, no baking cookies. You are in their world of childhood, play and imagination. It can be really hard! Our ‘play’ muscles are so rusty. Put away your phone and don’t think about work or the To Do list. It’s just 15 minutes. You can do anything for 15 minutes! (more on Special Time here)

My 13 year old daughter says that Special Time is “how I know you love me.” She calls Special Time “our games” and it’s different from one day to the next. Sometimes I make her into food, sometimes we draw on each other’s backs, sometimes we play with stuffies. She invents games for us like no one’s business. It might take you and your child some time to figure out what to do together if you aren’t used to playing. Don’t give up!

If you want to reduce sibling rivalry and fighting, give your children the gift of YOU and your time. Set your intention for Special Time each day with each child. If you have a partner and more than one child, you can trade. You might not make every day but if you try to make every day you will make Special Time happen on more days.

Sibling rivalry is caused by a primal need for attention and a fear that you love their sibling more than them. This concentrated super-power form of one-on-one time will make your child feel so loved. They will bask in the glow of your attention. They will be confident that their sibling isn’t loved more. If you do this, you WILL see a marked decrease in sibling rivalry.

Try Special Time for a week and see know how it goes.


BE SWITZERLANDKids fighting? Want to bury your head under a pillow until they stop? I get it. But here’s why you need to intervene in kids’ fighting and how to do so effectively.

We just discussed how Special Time can be a transformative tool to re-duce sibling fighting. Special Time gets to the root cause of what’s caus-ing the fighting. It gives children the attention from us they crave and lets them know we could never love anyone more than we love them.

That doesn’t mean that our kids will magically stop fighting!

We still need to deal with the fights. We help them out by intervening when they need us.

You might have heard you should ignore siblings who are fighting. They should work it out themselves. This is problematic because children don’t

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know HOW to work it out. This leads to either lots of screaming and pos-sibly physical altercations or the dominant sibling always winning while the less dominant sibling never learns to stand up for them self. These are not the outcomes are we want. We need to intervene in sibling fights.

If we can intervene effectively we can teach our children conflict negotia-tion skills they will use for the rest of their lives. As they learn how to work it out, they will need us to intervene less and less.

The usual approach: Most well meaning parents wade in, try to suss out the situation as best they can, and then announce the solution. “Okay I see you guys are fighting over that toy. Brother #1, you’ve had it long enough. Give your brother a turn.” Sounds fine, right?

Actually there are a lot of problems with the parent-imposed solution ap-proach:

Sibling rivalry goes up and fighting increases! You’ve just ruled against Brother #1 and he is seething with resentment. Even if you carefully side with one sibling 50% of the time and the other 50% of the time, you will be perceived as playing favourites. (Even if you’re right! Even if you’re being fair!)

Forced sharing doesn’t encourage generosity. Kids who are forced to share want to hold on to stuff even harder. (More on that later.)

Nobody learns anything about solving a problem. They lose the opportuni-ty to build an important life skill.

We will always be called on to referee their fights. If they get accustomed to us solving problems, they will always need us.

The number one thing to remember when intervening in a sibling fight? Be Switzerland. Switzerland is the famously neutral country. We need to be neutral.

So even if you think you know what’s going on- don’t take sides. Don’t sug-gest a solution.


You are the mediator between the two sides, NOT the negotiator.

As a mediator you give each side a chance to tell their story and say their piece. The two (or more!) parties get an UNINTERRUPTED chance to talk. Everyone gets a chance. The idea is to make sure each child feels heard and understood. Your only role in the process is to facilitate it. (Make sure you tell the children beforehand that this is what you’ll be doing. Assure them that with this new approach you will listen to everyone!)

You are Switzerland, not the international court of law.

Here’s what it looks like in practice:You hear fighting from the other room- it sounds serious. Parent goes in and sees two brothers fighting over a Lego guy.

Parent: (In an urgent but not angry voice.) “Whoa whoa whoa! What’s going on? I see two boys who have a problem. Tell me about it.”

Brother #1: “I wasn’t done playing with that guy! I put him down for a min-ute to find a piece and he took it!”

Brother #2: “He wasn’t playing with it and I want it!”

Parent: Acknowledge that there is a problem but that you’ll be able to work it out.

“Wow. That is a problem. Don’t worry. We can work this out. In our family we always work things out.”

Parent: Restate each child’s position so that they feel heard and under-stood (and to make sure you actually know what the problem is.)

“Brother #1, you put down the guy but you weren’t done with it yet. Broth-er #2, you thought he was done and YOU want to play with it.”

Parent: Ask if both children feel heard and if you understand the situation properly.

“Do I have that right?”


(Children will either correct you or agree. If they need to correct you, start a fresh round of listening and restating.)

You are Switzerland! Completely neutral, not adding any editorial (about whose guy it is, who should have it, or what’s fair.)

As we saw in the first chapter, when you intervene in favour of one sibling (even if you’re right! even if you’re fair!) it increases sibling rivalry which increases sibling fighting. “Dad loves me best!/Dad loves him best!”

If everyone is too upset to communicate? Or trying to cream each other? You need to help everyone calm down first.

Take a few breaths to calm yourself first. Stop-Drop-Breathe! This is not an emergency!

Put a hand on each child with your arms outstretched, or an arm around each child, to physically separate them.

Take some deep breaths. When we calm our own nervous systems, it helps our children to calm down too. Soothe them, “You are both so upset! Don’t worry. I hear both of you. We will work this out.”

You might need to take a break: “Let’s all take a few minutes to calm down. I promise we will sort this out.”

Just remember: Be Switzerland! You are the mediator: helping your chil-dren state their positions, and feel heard and understood by each other.

You are NOT the negotiator: you are not going to solve their problems. We want them to learn to do this for themselves! It takes time (and patience!). But with your help and lots of practice it is completely possible.


FIND A WIN/WIN SOLUTIONIn the last chapter we learned how to “Be Switzerland” when intervening in a sibling fight (and why intervening is a good idea.) The next step is to help your children find win/win solutions.

Let’s pick up where we left off: Your children are fighting over a Lego guy.

You’ve just given each child a chance to tell their side of the fight (without interruptions!) and have restated what they said to make sure everyone is on the same page. No saying your opinions! Remember you are Switzer-land!

Keep listening and asking for clarification until each child feels heard and understood.

Next step: Now you are going to help them find a win/win solution.

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A win/win solution is a solution that is acceptable to both parties and agreed on by both parties.

Parent: “Wow, it does sound like a problem. You both want to play with the same guy. Who has an idea for how we can work this out? I’m going to write down all the ideas.”

At this point we will likely hear each brother say that he should get the guy. Rinse and repeat the exchange below.

Brother #1: “I should have it.”

Parent writes down ‘Brother #1 gets guy.’

Parent asks: “Brother #2- Does that idea work for you?” “No? Okay let’s keep thinking of ideas.”

At this point the brothers should start to give some other ideas. Write each one down.

Parent: “Does that idea work for both of you? No? Okay let’s keep thinking.”

Children come up with amazing and creative solutions when given the chance.

One mom I work with was shocked the first time she used this strategy. Her children were fighting over who got to be at the front of the box train they were making. At this stage of the mediation, one child said, “I know! The train can have 2 engines!” The children both agreed that it was a great solution and they went off to play.

Another parent reported that her kids had the idea to break a crayon in half when both children wanted the same colour.

In both of these instances, the parents were pleasantly surprised that their children were not only able to think of a win/win solution, but were so creative in their outside-the-box ideas. Likely no parent would ever have thought of those solutions, and if we did the children would probably have said no.


The best win/win solutions are suggested by the children themselves, but we need to help them get there.

Back to our Lego guy brothers: Keep asking for ideas and writing them down. “Does that idea work for you?”

Perhaps the brothers will suggest a time share, or suggest that no one gets it. (Surprisingly this often works for children.) Maybe one will decide he can use the other similar guy.

When you have a deal- your win/win solution. Get each child to shake on it.

The more you do this with your kids, the more they will be able to do this without you! I remember when my kids were little I would often hear, “How ‘bout...” as they made suggestions to each other.

If no one can think of a win/win solution?

You have a few options. You can make a suggestion with “I wonder...” Sometimes children need practice and scaffolded support to think of cre-ative win/win solutions when they are just starting the process of finding win/win solutions. The best win/win solutions are suggested by the children themselves but they may need help when you first start using this method.

At a very last resort, you might need to hold on to the toy in question (or no one gets to watch a show if they can’t agree, or whatever the situation is.) But if you have to do this- you are doing it to support them, not to make anyone feel bad. It’s not a punishment.

“I’m really sorry this is so hard! You two are having such a hard time figur-ing this out. I’ll hold on to the guy until we can think of a solution.” Or “You know if we can’t agree on what to watch, we can’t watch anything at all. Let me know if you have any other ideas for a win/win solution. Until then I think I’ll hold on to the remote control.”

There is no punishment, there is no shaming: you really want to help them figure out what to do.

As I mentioned in the last chapter, if your children have been physically


fighting or are otherwise very upset, you won’t be able to find a win/win solution until they are calm and no longer hijacked by their fight-or-flight physical reactions.

Soothe your children with your words: “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to work things out. I know this is really hard. Let’s all calm down and take some deep breaths.” Wrap an arm around each one. “Looks like you guys are having such a hard time- you both look like you need a hug.”

It’s possible that you might all need to take a little space from each other. “Let’s all take 5 minutes to cool down. I’ll set a timer and we can meet back here in 5 minutes to work this out.”

It’s possible that one or both of your children might just need a good cry! (more on that coming up.)

You might be thinking, “This strategy sounds like it takes a lot of time!”

Yes, it does. But I will remind you that the constant fighting and refereeing also take a lot of time (possibly more.)

And the more you practice finding win/win solutions with your children, the better they will get at doing it on their own.

When you intervene in a fight and help them find win/win solutions, you are not only helping them solve sibling fights. You are giving them amazing conflict negotiation skills they will use for the rest of their lives.


NEVER ENDING FIGHTS?Are you following all the advice about how to get your kids to stop fighting but it’s still not working?

If you are regularly doing Special Time with your children (regular one-on-one time immersed in their world of play), Being Switzerland, and helping them find Win/Win Solutions and they are STILL fighting like crazy...

Here are some potential reasons why your kids are STILL fighting:Your child has a full emotional backpack.

What is a full backpack? It’s a metaphor my mentor Dr. Laura Markham uses to describe a backlog of unprocessed emotions. We carry our old tears and fears around with us in our bodies (represented by our emotion-

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al backpack) until we can process them. When our backpacks get full, the emotions come bubbling up to be processed and healed. If we aren’t used to feeling our feelings, it can be overwhelming and feel dangerous- send-ing us into Fight-or-Flight.

If your child is regularly explosive and quick to move into Fight mode with their sibling (or anyone else), they might need to empty their emotional backpack. (Let’s face it, we all know some explosive adults who really need to do this!)

If you have a child who is a little bit “more”- more sensitive, more anxious, more strong-willed, this is even more likely to be true. These kids have big feelings and need help processing them! Especially with anxiety. Anxiety is fear and can trigger the Fight (as in Fight or Flight) response and cause aggression.

How do you help your child empty their backpack? Emptying the emotional backpack is a fancy way of saying processing all the old emotions (fears and tears) we carry in our bodies.

We need to laugh and cry to process the feelings.

Crying releases old feelings. We don’t need to know what we are crying about, or cry about the specific things in the backpack (or even know what they are!) We just need to cry.

Help your child to cry by being as empathetic as you can, 24/7. Crying about anything is beneficial and will empty your child’s backpack. Skinned knee? Pour on the empathy. “Oh my sweetheart! Look at that knee. Ouch!” No second cookie? “I’m so sorry, darling. You LOVE cookies so much. It’s so disappointing you can’t have another one!” Get those tears rolling!

Laughter loosens up old stuck feelings and also changes our body chem-istry so we feel better. Get your child laughing 15 minutes, twice a day. Do some good, fun roughhousing. Go for the belly laughs!


Your child’s brain is still maturing.

Every time you intervene as Switzerland and help them find win/win solu-tions, you are helping your children develop the skills and build the habits they need to solve their problems and get along. But if your children are small, you can expect that you will still need to stay close and intervene if things start getting heated- even with these skills.

What does brain development have to do with it?

Brain development is on a continuum. Children develop more impulse con-trol during what developmental psychologist Jean Piaget called this the “5 to 7 shift.” In most children, between the ages of 5 and 7, the prefron-tal cortex (the part of the brain that governs critical thinking and impulse control) and the amygdala (the primal, emotional part of the brain) begin to work together. Before that, we can’t expect children to have good impulse control when things get heated.

To have good impulse control, the thinking part of our brain needs to work with the emotional part of our brain. For a small child: “The rule is no hit-ting” gets overwhelmed by “I’m so mad I’m going to whack you!”

In a mature brain, those two ideas can be held by us at the same time. We are so mad we want to hit, but we don’t. In a developing brain, logic gets overwhelmed by emotion and fists fly. The impulses can’t be controlled, which leads to siblings locked in hair-pulling and screaming.

What can you do? (Besides be patient!)

Help them empty their emotional backpacks regularly. Even though small children have poor impulse control, their feelings won’t be as overwhelm-ing if they have a chance to regularly process them. Talk about what hap-pened. “You were so mad you hit your brother! I understand. No hitting! Hitting hurts. What can you do instead?” This helps to connect the two parts of the brain and makes pathways so they can work together in the future.

Stay close. You can’t rush brain development, but you can do your best


to be your child’s prefrontal cortex. Step in before they get too hijacked by their amygdala. Yes, this means that it may be impossible for younger siblings to play without you nearby. (I’m sorry! I know it’s hard to do that!) If you’ve tried all the strategies we’ve discussed so far and they are still fighting, you just might need to stay closer. Don’t worry though, this won’t last forever. You might also find you are more understanding knowing that impulse control is something that children have to become capable of- they can’t learn it.

Your child has a “chip on their shoulder” about their sibling.

Sometimes if we don’t help our child with their big feelings after the arrival of a new sibling (when they are grieving and feel they have lost us), those feelings can get entrenched and stick around. Help them by listening to all their feelings about their sibling (out of their sibling’s earshot!)

They might say: “He always gets more” or “She’s a little brat” or “He’s al-ways around and wrecking things!”

Listen without judgment or shaming. Empathize with how hard it is. You can empathize without agreeing with what they are saying.

You can say, “It never feels fair between you. This is so hard!” or “It’s so hard to be the big sister. I’m so sorry, darling.” or “You never feel like you have enough time with me. It is so hard to share me. I understand.”

You might get anger at first. But if you can stay listening and compassion-ate and open, you can melt away the anger and hopefully get to the tears underneath. If your child can cry about how hard it is to have a sibling, they can begin to process all those big feelings and they can start to heal and move on.


SHARING AND PLAYHere are two guidelines for shaping sibling playtime:.Your kids don’t have to share and they don’t have to play together.

When I share these guidelines with parents they are often surprised. We want our children to be generous and learn how to share. We want our children to be kind and inclusive.

The way to get there is to help them preserve their own space and auton-omy. Respect their rights to decide what happens with their possessions and play with something until they are done.

Imagine you’ve been waiting all day to have a nice hot bath and dive into that novel you’ve been wanting to read. The kids are in bed and you’re all ready to hop in the bath. Just as you are about to get in, your partner shows up in the bathroom and starts insisting you come downstairs and

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do something with him. You say you don’t want to, but he says if you don’t you’re not being nice. How would you feel?

Or maybe you just got a new shirt and you can’t wait to wear it. You wear it to the office and everyone compliments you on it. Then your boss comes up to you and says that his assistant really admired your shirt and that tomorrow you need to bring it for her to wear. It’s her turn. How would you feel?

I know both of these scenarios seem really far-fetched, but that’s what we do to children every day.

Maybe your son is playing in his room, and his little brother wants to join in. He says “No! I don’t want him to play! He doesn’t know the game and he’ll wreck it.” Most of us would insist that he let his brother play.

Or maybe your daughter has a new skipping rope and her big brother wants a turn. Most of us would say, “Okay, sweetie, you’ve used it for long enough. It’s your brother’s turn now.”

Forcing a child to let their sibling play when they don’t want to makes them feel resentful of their sibling. It reinforces the idea that their sibling really does wreck everything and does NOT contribute to the good will between them. Not only that, but you must really love their sibling more: “I said no but Mom is giving my brother what he wants anyway. She ALWAYS sides with him.”

Some other not great side effects? They feel powerless and disrespected because you are not listening to them. This can lead to power struggles in other areas- “I’ll show her who’s boss!”- or get in the way of resilience- “I won’t be able to do it, why should I even try?” When you don’t listen, it teaches your child to doubt themselves and their ability to be in charge of their own bodies.

We always want to try for inclusion first. “Is there a way you can include your brother? He loves playing with you! Can you give him his own stack of blocks to play with?” It is wonderful to encourage inclusion, help siblings


learn to appreciate each other, and find ways to get along.

Sometimes, though, kids don’t want the stress of a potential tower wreck-ing sibling. Some kids are introverts and need time alone every day. Some kids just want to know that you will listen to them and respect their de-sires.

In these cases, we have to respect their autonomy. When we have control over ourselves and our belongings, we can give them freely without anxiety and without the need to fight for what is ours.

Try this instead: listen and respect your child’s desire for autonomy. Help them preserve their time and space. “I’m sorry, sweetie, your brother doesn’t want to play right now. Maybe later he will, but right now let’s go and find something else to do.”

You might have to help the left-out sibling deal with their big feelings of disappointment. That’s okay! (More on that below.)

What about sharing? In theory, forced sharing teaches your child to be generous. In reality, forced sharing teaches your child to hold on tightly to things, for at any moment they could be snatched away. (And again, makes them feel powerless, disrespected and resentful!)

What does teach generosity? Researcher Nancy Eisenberg found that pro-social behaviour (‘voluntary behavior that aims to help another’) develops when children have the experience of choosing to share and experiencing how good it makes them feel to be generous. Please note: this happens when children share of their own free will. You can help the process along by drawing their attention to the results of their actions: “Look at your sis-ter! She’s so happy that you shared your toy with her!”

What about ‘turns’? A common suggestion is to make sure everyone gets a turn and you use a timer. “You can have it for 10 minutes, and then your brother gets it for 10 minutes.” That’s a bit better than arbitrarily deciding when their turn is over.

But put yourself in their shoes: it would be really hard to relax, enjoy your-


self, and do the work of childhood (play!) if you are hearing the seconds tick by. (Plus, do you really want to be in charge of that?!)

Try this instead: your child’s turn lasts until they are done playing. Period. They can play with a toy as long as they want to. They can’t ‘reserve’ it for later, but as long as they are actively playing, their sibling has to wait. We call this “long turns.”

This works well for toys that belong to everyone in the family.

What about toys that belong only to one child? (like birthday or holiday gifts.)

Your children shouldn’t have to share.

Children should have some things that are JUST theirs and some things that belong to everyone in the family. As we noted above, children devel-op the prosocial behaviour of generosity by sharing of their own free will. Forcing them to share actually gets in the way of developing generosity. If they have birthday presents and treasured possessions, for example, it’s okay if they NEVER let their sibling play with it.

They’ll also need a place to keep their things where their sibling can’t get them, like a chest with a lock or a high shelf or drawer. Toys that belong to the family can be played with until a child is done with them, as I outlined above.

What about playdates? Let your child put away anything special that they don’t want to share. Anything that is left out is fair game. The ‘long turn’ rule doesn’t apply at playdates. They can take ‘short turns’ when friends are over. Be prepared to help them navigate this!

When your children get used to this new rule, they will appreciate the new “long turns” policy and know what to expect. If they still constantly and only want what their sibling is playing with? It’s not about the toy. (Actually it is very often not about the toy.) Are you doing Special Time with each child? Are you being Switzerland and finding Win/Win solutions? Has your child had a chance to get the “chip” off their shoulder?


Be prepared for big feelings! It can be VERY hard for the child whose turn it isn’t to wait. That’s okay! You are there to help them through their feel-ings. “Darling, I know! It’s so hard to wait! You want to play with the red truck so much! Brother will give it to you when he’s done.”

Bonus: You are not only supporting your disappointed child in the moment but also building emotional resilience. When you are calm and welcome their difficult feelings, you are teaching them that they can handle any-thing.

You can do this!

It's not easy and it takes practice.

Remember to breathe and be patient.

Please let me know how it goes in the Facebook group!. I'm rooting for you.

xx Sarah

stop sibling fights - peelschools.org

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