SMITH HUBBARD & TICHENOR

GOLDENGATE’S

for September 30, 2012

BIRTHER

Φ

SO, WHAT IS PHI, AFTER ALL . .. a RATIONAL or an IRRATIONAL NUMBER?

AND WHO’S COUNTING? But First …!!

From the desk of Greetings, Players!! Good grief, YES!!! Hi!! You know just where you are… RIGHT?! Welcome back!! Welcome back to … yep – It’s another unbelievable action–packed issue of WHAT ELSE?! It’s … S.Y.M.-Zonia ™ Whooo-hoo!

Wowee … I mean … Wowee!!! I should have said …

As you all know doubt no, since our last issue, [The WAPPATO WAR issue: Who Were the Real Losers of the Outbreak of the Wappato War between the Multnomahs and the Klickitats on Sauvie’s Island… Etc. etc. ….? (September 23, 2012) See below! – Ed.] that Fall has arrived, and with it the chill nightly push of marine fog into the Golden Gate: bringing with it a distinct eaux of seagull and cormorant guano from the Farallones, and -- with it -- a reminder, that at times such as these, this Spartan archipelago is neither far enough nor alone enough to merit the name….

AND ALSO !! a reminder that it is NOW time to winterize – yes, and even here too at our darling home, Unit D-37, Payless Self Storage, the time

has come to lay down a smooth uninterrupted bead of best silicone caulking around the doorframe, glue some sheets of the finest Styrofoam® onto the interior walls, for insulation, or double-sided tape might work, if the glue is too fumey. Great!! And just in time!! This will also “sound-proof” us against the neighbors!! YES --!!! And one of them keeps looking at me ! Anyway – it was while I was laying the Styrofoam® that I found something truly remarkable that I decided to run as this week’s S.Y.M.-Zonia™ !!

“One of them” You say? YES! You heard right, Players!!! For, in addition to the survivalist across the way (right: the one who brought in the MICE!!! A few months ago !!) and in addition to the other founding members of the 2012 commune that has taken shape around him, but who – in what seems a direct contradiction to their stated principals – have paid through the end of the year … the extra 10 days after they are raptured -- in addition to all those, a couple astral “retro-beat” poets moved in next door, and have opened a Medical Marijuana Dispensary – which is bringing …. Well, let’s say unprecedented volumes of traffic into our tiny corner of paradise, on the corner of California and Scott Streets, overlooking Alcatraz… (Which someone said is the Spanish word for Pelican.) But -- so far -- no new subscribers. (But this weird same guy has some of our back issues …. ) AT ANY RATE – so with the fresh aromas of the San Francisco’s own Offshore Wildlife Sanctuary [The Farallones, though distant some 30 miles, are actually, legally, part of the City and County of San Francisco!!! – Ed.] blowing in on the one side, and the “clinical lab tests” on THC-content underway to our right, YES!!! It was time to ~~~~~ WINTERIZE!!! Being as we’re both from North Dakota and all … Oh, Yes – right. The Styrofoam® led me to this week’s issue … more on that, below.

And I found some discarded asbestos tile in a box marked GRATIS ! on the way up California Street to here at Payless Self-Storage, which will add a needed layer of insulation on the concrete floor, so that the baby -- you know: sweet Sarah N. Dipity Goldengate – will not catch cold crawling around (once she actually beings crawling that is – a little later on; not now) or wear out the knees her onesie, or get too high on second-hand pot smoke. Much needed improvements. The timing couldn’t have been much more favorable…

Whoops!!! I almost forgot to mention: so with all this going on, and many Players e-beseeching us for MORE TIME on the last two SYM-Zonia™ on the WAPPATO WAR and on the MUMMY – being Ass. Dr. Beckon’s most recent stimulating contribution, and posing the question, Who was the Celebrated Scientist Who Certified the Authenticity of the Mysterious Indian Mummy from Shoalwater Bay (Washington)? [ (September 16, 2012)! – Ed. ] [SEE ABOVE – Ed. ] that the SOLUTIONS to this one-two punch of hard-hitting rock’em-sock’em SYM-Zonia ™ will be just shortly post-poned to allow all of you, Players, a little extra time to send in your solutions!!! And, yes, it is now OKAY to use Gargle!!! GO FOR IT!!! And now …

IN THE NEWS …

Well, Last Week’s breaking news from DRAIN was the cause that obliged me to bump the solution to the MUMMY issue off schedule, leaving no other room, except for last week’s SYM-Zonia™ proper – which was the WAPPATO WAR one.

PLAYERS!!! As you will recall it was the sudden eruption of the BURPBACK issue – I mean, well, granted it was a NON-ISSUE of course, in terms of anything actually getting printed (except this dummy, mock-up cover); but in fact, it was NOT a NON-ISSUE, considered with respect to the level of serious controversy provoked: a point of discussion and controversy… I mean – people talked about it!!! Can you figure that out? If not, see the Wikipedia entry under NON-ISSUE, and in particular the amazing “dis-ambiguation” feature, for clearing up such complex and multi-valent occurrences of language, when they occur. Phew!!! What a blessing.

So the NON-ISSUE [At left – Ed.] was an ISSUE that resulted in some rather heated correspondence between … well … almost ALL of S.Y.M.-Zonia’s experts!!! YES:

È A NEW RE-UNION !! È

Namely, the great one, Titular Leader herself, Ass. Dr. Beckon, got involved in another detailed CONFAB with her erstwhile and oft-times close collaborator, Rupert Roget, P.L.S., (Ret.) former surveyor of Coon County, (Oregon) [See, for instance, last month’s WATERSHED MOMENT issue – Ed.] and SYM-Zonia™ surveying specialist, over the meaning of the Map of Umpqua County (1863) at left -- which had been located by NONE OTHER than Dr. Juerglein Waters Ph.D.3 But this new re-union occurred via e-mail …. SO, there’s no lithograph.

[ NOTE TO JUERGLEIN: Please send a recent lithograph of yourself!! ]

Well – at any rate -- Here’s what all the BURPBACK was about: it’s the map of Umpqua County (1863), which is depicted here, as laid out over an area …. very, very similar to that of Bohemia County (Oregon) -- which many of you may remember from Ass. Dr. Beckon’s recent sojourn thereto, upon her mountain-bike – much of which was reported in the pages of S.Y.M.-Zonia – and it was either the GUMPTION Issue, or the DRAIN Issue – or a bit of both. Wait …

CORRECTION .. .. ..

PLAYERS! – Make no mistake: THIS RAISES AN IMPORTANT POINT!!! Many of you were shocked to hear that I stated, just two weeks ago, in the MUMMY issue, [@ p. 2 thereof – Ed] that Ass. Dr. Beckon was returning through Drain (Oregon) on her “motorbike” –I said – when she snapped the picture in her REAR VIEW mirror, as she whizzed past the former Drain Para-Normal University – I think it was. Getting a little turned around here -- you know. AT ANY RATE – this was in error, in gross, unforgivable errorage: for as all Youngstermembers are well aware of, Truly Our Own Titular Leader Ass. Dr. Beckon ONLY rides a mountain bike this being the only truly GREEN alternative to adopt, for those anthropological excursions such as that Bohemian one, which T.O.O.T.L. Ass. makes as a part of her role as Archivist-in-Training at the offices of our venerable sponsor …

Smith Hubbard & Tichenor , 4th & Garrison Sts., in Port Orford (Oregon). Wills, Trusts, Estates --

NOW DISPENSING MEDICAL MARIJUANA On Proof of California Residence

ABOUT THIS WEEK’S ISSUE !!

PLAYERS! WELCOME, then, to our very special ….

BIRTHER ISSUE (!)

of SYM-Zonia™, which is, in a way, a sort of a departure from our regular cartographically and/or historically focused material, because it deals with the BIRTH of a MATHEMATICAL IDEA – which should be closely attended, because GOOD map-reading and cartographical orienteering REQUIRES a good mathematical mind, as has been so recently evidenced by our numerous issues devoted to T. 25 N. R. 2. W., W.M., over the last year; as well as one or two, anyway, to its “sister township” T. 25 N. R. 2. W., M.D.M., and so forth. And while some may look down their noses at the simplicity of the Township/Range survey grids, that characterize the G.L.O. work in Oregon and California,

… this survey systsem is so reliable, it is almost ubiquitous of course [And so what a great place to hide stuff!! No-one would ever think of looking everywhere! See the G.L.O.-Worm issues!! -- Ed.] and appears – for instance – on the very same Map of Umpqua County (1863) that Sym-Zonia’s Intrepid Surveying Investigagtors (S.I.S.I.’s) were discussng this week via e-mail – as you, Players, may see by this excerpt of the same, which shows the Township and Range values in the border of the map …

And this grid – which diplays mathematical relationships in their irreducible physical geometrical aspect -- is a veritable guarantor of the legitimacy of any mathematical computations made in conjunction with it – burt – furthermore – it can even ILLUMINATE the preseence of new mathematical truths through showing new – and unanticipated geometrical relationships…. That you might not otherwise have noticed …

So, take, just for instance, the plat of Winchester (Oregon) shown here (at right) executed by the lone master known only as “Bartleby” – and ask yourself … why this map of some supposedly randomly occuring sequence of lot ownership seems to show an advanced geometrical DESIGN when mapped out on the Winchester street grid ….. Why?

LET’S TAKE A LOOK!!! But First…

FIRST , LET’S TAKE a LOOK at THIS OLD POSTER of TITULAR LEADER !!

WOWEE!!! … that is .. . Uh -- I mean … Because that’s how this week’s S.Y.M.-Zonia™ was born!!!

SO – AS I WAS SAYING! I was WINTERIZING here in D-37 and tacking up this Styrofoam® sheeting over the walls, for a little more insulation against the chill of these Golden Gate mornings – and naturally, I had to TAKE DOWN Dromgoole’s old poster of Titular Leader –that had so captivated my attention when me and Suzy first took up our lodging here in the Sym-Zonia ™ West offices – -- [See HIDDEN PICTURES III, What’s So Significnt About Peter S. Duval’s Lithograph, etc. etc (May 27, 2012) -- Ed.]

And it was at that point that I noticed …. that Titular Leader was looking … a little plump in the mid-section – Yes: it could not be denied: there was a slight but distinct bulge in the tummy of the figure in the picture … as if … you know… she were, maybe … but, uh-uh: it couldn’t be!! I mean .. it was Ass. Dr. Beckon (about thirty years ago – I think) [We established all this in the HIDDEN PICTURES III issue [See May 27, 2012] and sequellae – Ed.] But, I mean, it was like she had a pouch or something For real !! In her tummy!(Well, what was that Eagle doing, anyway?)

AND THEN … upon closer inspection, but trying to be very discreet and to avert my gaze – you know – because of WHO is portrayeed -- as I began to remove the poster from the wall, to put up the Styrofoam® sheeting, I noticed that … that it was not just ONE poster… but that there were two or three posters – maybe more!! – all of Ass. Dr. Beckon, layered one on the other, and they had been glued together so that it merely looked like one: but the glue had come unstuck at the edges and the posters were pe e e l i n g apart !! And so, when I took the poster(s) down I laid it/them on my desk, and fumbled around for – what else? -- the all-powerful Light of L.-L.U.V. …. which soon proved

…….what I had hardly dared to suspect!!!

LIKE BOTICELLI’S The BIRTH of VENUS – only IT WAS REAL !!

The Stephanie poster was pregnant!! YES!!! And it appeared … DUE!!! I had to act at once: I grabbed a letter-opener and managed to slit it in between the posters, and working very carefully, was able to separate them back from front … I worked the letter opener in toward the … pouch in the middle of the poster, like a surgeon performing a critical Caesearean section on a woman great with child …. And so I was able, by the application of such skill as I never realized I possessed, but which came to the fore in this emergency situation, I was able to unburden the poster!!!! and deliver the greatly distressed Ass. Dr. Beckon of her baby-pouch … at which point -- sweaty, trembling, but relieved -- I set the bundle in her arms and let the two of them rest there -- and good grief: got on with WINTERIZING the place !!! Meanwhile…

I wondered to myself… as I worked away … who had put that bundle there? WHO? Who had inserted something into the pouch in Ass. Dr. Beckon’s belly? There – the one between the layers of her multi-layered, multi-dimenionsal image? An image almost as multi-layered as Ass Dr. Beckon herself? And I wondered … SHOULD I OPEN IT? …… Well … ?? PLAYERS … ?? Well…..?

YOU ARE NOW ENTERING

SO, WHAT is PHI, AFTER ALL? a RATIONAL or IRRATIONAL NUMBER? AND WHO’S COUNTING?

SO .. ..

Of course I did. And what I had delivered Ass. Dr. Beckon of was not identifiable as a boy or a girl – it first appeared to be just a bloody mess: a completely irrational and unrelated assemblage of notes, doggerel poetry, pastiche Shakespeare, reams and reams of pages of Jeremiads directed at the unhearing eye of Heaven, and entire legal pads -- and pads of graph paper -- devoted to strange equations or formulae of a seemingly mathematical or algebraic kind .. all of them dated from the last century!!! – no : even from the last millennium, for that’s how old they seemed to be [ So it was a good thing that I acted when I did –- I mean, to perform the Caesearean – because this baby was seriously OVERDUE!!! --Ed.] They all dated from the mid-1990’s, like the DARK AGES and so showed signs of the this archaic past – such totemic icons of the days of yore, as desk-top land-line telephones, frequent references to the FAX machine, VCRs, and troubles with “beepers” – and such like ….

And many of them upon closer inspection, were written on notepaper identifying the author as one Mr. Riddle – Herbert S. Riddle to be exact, who claimed expertise in electronics, evidently, and they were either addressed to … well, to the ETHER.. in most cases, or to someone called “Edward” or -- in one or two instance “Edmund” …

It was a Riddle for sure …

Who was “Edward”?

Who was “Edmund”?

And as I carefully – oh, so carefully -- held these pages in my hands – pages that literally seemed to have been born from the cerebral union of some UNKNOWN GENIUS with the beter known genius of Ass. Dr. Beckon, etc. etc. -- and as I thumbed through them one by one by one …. A realization dawned upon me… that this could be the work of only one man

It had to be….

OF COURSE!!! It was..

A junior-size Puzzler …

Like a little brain-child … .. .. .

It was a RIDDLE, Jr.!! Ass Dr. Beckon had carried it to term; and now …. I had delivered it. Just between you and me, Players, I’d say that makes Ass. Dr. Beckon a MOM -- a BIRTHER, I’d say! And what had she birthed?

The SIRE of this brain-child appeared to be the inventor of the famous Riddle Code for error-detection and error-correction – that had been patented, and then licensed to businesses as the famous R.E.D. ALERT software… That same face-saving software package that interim editor ASAPH P. DROMGOOLE had had to use, after he had …. Challenged the Authority of …. Stephanie Beckon!!!! What a fool!!!! ( And where is he now…!!! )

PLAYERS – most of you will remember, as I do – for who could ever forget – the earlier events of … just this year! when, during the month of Febraury, following a first ever ERROR in the old P.Y.M. ™ Puzzler, the O.M.I.G.O.d. had ordered installed on all office computers, a FREE TRIAL DOWNLOAD of Riddle’s R.E.D. ALERT™ software that had monitored Dormgoole for – well, for 30 days, during the Free Trial period – and had largely commandeered the proof-checking and error-detection of the old P.Y.M. ™ Puzzler throughout the month of February last, during the very difficult The Trapper’s Last Shot series … [A sample of those covers is given below!! – Ed.] in consequence, leaving Dromgoole embarrassed, publicly humiliated, chagrined and psychologically destroyed … leading in short order to his total breakdown in a series of tragic events that only ended -- fairly recently -- with his arrest and incarceration for ARSON of his room (#11) at Motel 6, in Belmont… YES!!! Not to mention the untimely murder of P. – but that investigation remains open, and is ongoing. … the B.A.R.T., and all that.

At any rate…. where was I? So…. yes – the pouch I now held in my hands bore every indication of being the work of Herb S. Riddle – known though, almost uniquely as “Riddle, Jr.” –

And SOMEONE … but WHO? Who planted the Riddle Jr. seed on Truly Our Own Titular Leader, Ass. Dr. Beckon? A mystery!!!!

PLAYERS – all that being said, there’s very little room left in this oversize issue, to say much more. Sorry!!!

I’m offering you a selection of material from this SPECIAL DELIVERY of mine, in which Ass. Dr. Beckon herself played no small or merely Titular part … at least to SOMEONE, for whom her role had been more .. conceptual, for sure !!!

SO -- on the pages that follow, are a few choice items from this …pouch, which deal with features of the numerical value … the number … known as Phi – or

Φ,

to those of you who read Greek.

IS PHI IRRATIONAL? as is so generally – but quite carelessly, and cavalierly -- assumed, by those who should know? Or… is it … smarter than that? PLAYERS – work it out and get back to me!! You have one week!!

POST Φ SCRIPT

PLAYERS!! -- This brings us to the end of the BIRTHER issue for now. I know this leaves too many questions unanswered.

For instance -- Is paternity clearly established? Who was the real Pop of this brain-child? Who was Edward? Who was Edmund? Is “Edward” just a mistake for “Edmund” as I suspect – and was Riddle corresponding with “Edmund” only –as in ….. Edmund Elmendorf, Jr., the original and founding editor of the P.Y.M. ™ Puzzler? The dates are … about right. [ See the SPIKED! issue for more on this …. – Ed.] I think, that this theory would explain just about everything: how the materials came to the Puzzler, and then -- as appears necessary – into the hands of DROMGOOLE …. Who must have secreted them in the poster…

BUT, more to the point, is Φ– phi – an irrational number as is conventionally and maybe even universally accepted?

Or in fact does phi only seem to be irrational, having a sort of camouflage of irrationality – By which I mean, that it shows, e.g., the classic earmark of an irrational number: in other words, of a number that cannot be expressed as an integral value, but rather has, or runs out to infinity, on an endless sequence of non-repeating digits, to the right of the decimal point, etc. -- Phi is that, so it appears: meanwhile it is in fact partaking of … something that allows it to accelerate towards rationality with such, well, “speed” …

PLAYERS !!! Mere integers cannot function in equations, so as to advance irrational numbers towards rational ones. But Phi somehow can – at least it has the dynamic WITHIN ITSELF, to, upon self-actuation, or self-reflection, accelerate in ever closer and closer approximations, towards this transformation.

OKAY. More on this later. Meanwhile … Remember, Players, to SEND THOSE BOXTOPS IN!!

A CLOSING NOTE Finally, Players, I know it’s been quite a little while since I filed an update on the efforts of the F.B.I. to locate Dromgoole by means of this summer’s STING TRACER issue of July 8, 2012 – however, with Dromgoole’s hand potentially being … at work in the planting of the Riddle Seed, it’s more urgent than ever that I try to wedge this in now…

The F.B.I. reported to me that in the month following release of the STING TRACER issue, -- that would be last month, or August, 2012, a concentration of “pings” was eventually detected within the California State Prison system – but, because there was no immediate threat perceived, there was no “move” to apprehend the receiver – presumably Dromgoole himself. Before an intervention had been planned, this “ping” pattern moved – somehow – outside of the walls, and was next noticed in a re-concentration, on the Island of … ALCATRAZ!!!!

Wow!!! Such an interesting development. Comforting to know of the F.B.I.’s success in intervening against comparable threats – like … the Portland Christmas Tree Bomber !! Or the Benghazi attacks ..

YOU ARE NOW LEAVING

POP. 0