Peace begins with you. It originates within you and springs forth with you as the fertile ground. This life you live, is it one of joy, contemplation, filled with dreams, and thoughts about the significance of the future, or is it mired in fear, shame, and worry? If you find yourself dwelling in the space of the second then there can be no peace for you. No peace in this moment and perhaps only a fleeting peace in the future. Peace starts from within.

The victory of peace is not won without a battle. Doesn’t that seem almost contradictory? In its most limited and myopic sense of the word, peace is defined as the absence of war. We are conditioned to believe that means between warring nations or citizens, but that is probably the least common form of war. Truth be told, we are at war with ourselves, within our own homes, minds, bodies, every single day. In just a few short minutes I will get up from my computer and go to the gym to wage war against the conditioned patterns and thoughts of my body that have won small victories over my will power for

years. These small victories have led to a fat body. I will go and wage war against that conditioning in hopes that one day I will win and there will be peace. If that is so, is peace a perception?

In all honesty, I have been at war for a full week knowing that I needed to sit down and write my contributions to the journal for this month yet the impulse to do something else, anything else except focus to write has won. Yet, I know that once I wage war and determine to win, to write, to be creative and expressive, the war is not even hard fought. I slaughter the impulse for immediate gratification and for doing other meaningless things as an attempt to avoid, and I win immediately. The war is almost over before it begins. And I ask again, is peace a perception?

You may wonder why I am discussing war, battles, failure, and death, during the holiday season. Since the word comes from the combination of Holy-Day and holy represents exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one

(Continued on page 2)

IN THIS ISSUE BRYAN POST ON FINDING PEACE

B. Bryan Post, Your Adoption Parenting Ambassador

TTTHEHEHE L L L VEVEVE RRREVOLUTIONEVOLUTIONEVOLUTION DECEMBER 2011

Bryan Post On Finding Peace

From the Post Office by David Durovy

On LOVE and FEAR by Frank Sant'Agata

A Thanks-Giving Story by Kristi Saul-Post

Holidays Are For Building Relationships by Kathy Clark

Wilma (Willie) Ice on Beliefs, Effort or Behavior: How Do We Change?

The Original Rice Krispies® Treats Recipe

Bryan’s Big Lesson of The Month: Understanding Parenting Blueprints

The Nine Most Important Things Foster or Adoptive Children Need by Bryan Post and Juli Alvarado

Bryan’s Big Idea: It’s Time for a Love Revolution…Is There Ever a Time When It’s Not?

Chronicles of B

Bryan Post’s Love Revolution Journal December 2011 2 www.postinstitute.com

THE L VE REVOLUTION

Publisher: Bryan Post

Editors: Suzanna Rickard Jared Downing

Layout: Nicola Wattles

Contributors: Bryan Post David Durovy Frank Sant’Agata Kristi Saul-Post

Kathy Clark Wilma (Willie) Ice Juli Alvarado

1804-B Cornerstone Lane, Claremore, OK 74017 www.postinstitute.com www.postinnercircle.com

va@postinnercircle.com Tel (918) 361-0630 Fax (918) 512-4523

General: Bryan Post’s The Love Revolution is published monthly and covers parenting and challenging behaviors in children.

Subscriptions: Copies are mailed 12 times per year along with a bonus CD. For more information and to join the POST Parenting Inner Circle, visit www.postinnercircle.com or e-mail va@postinnercircle.com, or call 918-361-0630. Subscriptions are mailed monthly $39.95 USA or $49.95 International.

Letters to the Editor: Feedback is welcome and may be published with your permission. Send by mail to the above address or to bryanpost1@gmail.com

perfect in goodness and righteousness, then how easy is it for us to give our true devotion to anyone or thing? It’s not. We can’t even give God a full day of devotion without judgment, negative thoughts, negative energy, criticism, frustration, fear, impatience, intolerance, the list kind of goes on and on doesn’t it? Don’t believe me? Try it. Devote the next hour to God. Be focused, loving, and open during the next hour. Oh I’m pretty sure you are going to find one massive battle going on, a war with negative conditioning seeking a higher plane of living. And guess what? That’s okay.

You see, peace is all about perception. The ability in the moment to be okay with who you are both good and not so good, drug-free or drug addict, perpetrator or victim. Peace breeds more peace. The moment you stop judging yourself is the moment you stop judging others, especially your children. As long as you judge yourself, you judge others. And the drug addict, perpetrator, person with not so good behaviors, oh make no bones about it, they judge themselves the harshest so they continue to live in shame and self-hatred, in darkness. The moment, even the worst of us, ceases to judge ourselves then something magical within us begins to unfold. Light…the light of peace. Yet, it is a hard and lonely battle through the darkness to get to that point. It is a long road to holiness!

Take a deep breath. Say grace and ask for strength to be more forgiving of yourself in each moment, and then from within you will flow a peace that fosters forgiveness in others. In that moment we can truly have a Holy-Day.

May your family be blessed and safe during these Holiest of Days.

Choose Love,

B. Chief Love Revolutionary

Bryan Post is a pioneer in the love-based parenting movement. His irreverent approach to parenting, children, and all things challenging has garnered him attention the world over. Author and co-author of more than 25 educational programs including books, CDs, and DVDs, his message has reached thousands of parents and professionals from around the world. As you read or listen to his message ask yourself, "What can I do to bring more love into the world today?" The answer to this question will bring transformation to your life and relationships. Then you will discover the power of the Post Parenting Message. To learn more, visit www.postinstitute.com and www.postinnercircle.com

Bryan Post On Finding Peace (Continued from page 1)

Bryan Post

Need a Little Holiday Stress Relief and Can't Find a Hug…

Offer a sweet kiss Share a warm hug Cuddle Make love Have an orgasm (alone or

with someone else) Sing in a choir Give someone a neck rub Hold a baby Stroke a dog or cat Perform a generous act Pray or meditate Root for your team Or try Oxytocin Factor

In Chemistry of Connection (2009) author Susan

Kuchinskas provides a list of natural ways to increase

oxytocin. We suggest you implement these practices often

for increased effectiveness.

www.OxytocinFactor.com

Bryan Post’s Love Revolution Journal December 2011 3 www.postinstitute.com

On LOVE and FEAR by Frank Sant'Agata ©1996

Love and fear are the only emotions we as human entities are able to express. All the others are just sub-categorical emotions. For example, on love's side there is joy, peacefulness, happiness, forgiveness, and a host of others. On the other hand, fear reflects: hate, depression, guilt, inadequacy, discontentment, prejudice, anger, attack, and so on. Love and fear cannot coexist. Where one is, the other can't be also. The one will leave immediately, should the other enter its presence. If you find yourself in a situation where you are experiencing great joy, and are suddenly overtaken by fear, the joy is gone! But it works the other way too: If you are terrorized, frightened, or otherwise threatened in any way, all you need to do is turn to the love within, and the fear disappears. Learning to make the active choice to love and not fear in every situation is the way to find inner peace in this world. Yes, I said choice! We all choose what we wish to see in every situation, at every moment. Most of the time we choose based on what we learned in the past. It is what we were taught by our parents, teachers, peers, doctors, employers, etc. and what we were brought up to believe we should do. We act on laws that we made to control our behavior and that of others so that we may live in an orderly society. When someone gets "out of order" they may be disliked, fined, incarcerated or killed. Sometimes, entire countries get "out of order" and our answer is to declare war on them. These are all things that are done out of FEAR. We fear that, if someone is out of control, that is, not following the rules we set up for them to follow, they are a threat to us, and we fear they will harm us in some way. So we react to our fear by attacking them first. That is the way of this world. The law of the jungle so to speak; eat or be eaten; kill or be killed. That is the way of fear! The way of LOVE is quite the opposite. It makes no rules, no laws, for they are not needed! If everyone lived God's law; the law

of love, no other laws would be needed. Laws that protect our bodies would not be needed because we would not wish to harm another. Property would not be in jeopardy because we would not wish to deprive another. We would not use drugs because our love for our selves would prevent self-destruction. We would not drive recklessly, or at excessive speeds or under the influence because we might hurt some one or our selves. We would not sue any one, or lie or cheat or deprive or take advantage of them. A world without fear would not need lawyers, courts, police, or jails, because every one would trust and care for one another. Prices would not go up, work would be done right by service oriented businesses, foods would not have harmful ingredients, workers would not be exploited, etc. But that is not the way of a world built on fear! We as individual entities, sharing one God mind can make a world of love. We can do this by keeping connected to our Source, which in fact we are, but need to open our awareness to it. Love is LIGHT. Fear is DARKNESS. When you turn on a light, darkness is no more. There is not a trace of it left! There is not even a hint of darkness ever having been there! God is LOVE. Love is light. We are all children of God, therefore, in truth, we are only LOVE. When we act out of fear, we are turning out the light, denying our truth, and entering into the darkness. We leave our love behind and attempt to be something we are not. We attempt to be apart from our Source; apart from God. Let us try again this day. Let us tune in to LOVE; to peace, joy, and happiness.

Father, help me stay connected to you this day so that I may know the peace that is my inheritance. Lead me through a world where I see only love in every situation. Guide me to make the choice for love and to relinquish fear. When ever I am tempted to listen to fear's cries, let me listen instead to loves song and know it is my own. Amen.

Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward All Men— Especially Children

A big reason why I decided to work for Post Institute (other than our four adopted and 27ish foster kids driving us crazy), was the realization that Bryan Post offers real‐life solutions for the world’s problems: real, unconditional, spiritual, certifiable, verifiable, honored by all religions, and yet pretty much impossible to achieve—love. Word on the street is that even God is Love!

The thing is, just between you and me, love as we use it day to day doesn’t actually exist. Oh, it exists as a symbol for something other than itself, but in that it is mere information (I love you/I love you too, luv ya, etc.), not the actual experience. Pat O’Brien says, “People might accuse me of having all the answers. I don’t. I only have the one answer: family.” Bryan Post and countless others say, “We don’t have all the answers, just one: love.”

This is not a philosophy or another great idea. When is the last time you looked at your child or spouse and, with eyes wet, not really knowing how to put feelings into words, but

also knowing there are no other words to express, said “I love you”—not as mere information (“love ya”), but, “I would lay down my life for you and I am so very sorry for all the times I hurt you”?

We cannot have Peace on Earth and Goodwill to All with fear in our hearts and minds. As we experience the holidays, let us do so with a sense of wonder, excitement, and curiosity, bringing forth the greatest gift of all time, love. Let’s transcend (trance‐end) the notion that God and Santa Claus reward only good boy and girls. Bryan Post says, “See the fear, not the anger.” Pat O’Brien says, “Kids would rather be mad than sad.” Understanding this, where are all the bad kids?

Let us this year, this decade, this lifetime, and this moment give the gift of seeing the fear and the sadness and just plain ole loving our kids (no matter what). We might not have Peace on Earth, but maybe Peace in Family. Then again, what is Peace on Earth if not an experience in our very own heart and soul? Maybe it’s not “out there” after all. And if we don’t see it “out there” what does that really tell us?

From the POST Office by David Durovy

Bryan Post’s Love Revolution Journal December 2011 4 www.postinstitute.com

I remember Thanksgiving as a child, getting dressed in our best. Itching from head to toe, literally; itchy tights, itchy dress, hair so tight it made my eyes squint; all for the big event at grandmother’s house. Rehearsing on the drive to try and remember all the great aunties and uncles names, Mae, Myrtle, Ethel, Irene, Phillip, John, and Glen. I remember when I was small feeling creeped out by the smell of moth balls on the fine clothes of my great aunties and uncles, and the feel of their soft wrinkled, wobbly skin. I think if given the chance I would have loved to jiggle the skin under my great aunt Ethel’s chin. I would have probably sat on her lap for an hour and stared closely at her loose false teeth, and wiggled her wobbly neck and arm skin. But this was not permitted or at least I never felt I had permission to do this.

As I think about it now, I can only guess that my great auntie might have really enjoyed having her 6 year old great niece on her lap, exploring every aspect of her face. Noticing the little whiskers on her chin, touching her wrinkles, all with loving curiosity. Just imagine what that might have felt like for her. As in this position she too would be able to explore my little face and hands as well. Instead, the children were relegated to the children’s table and the adults to the big table. We ate food that we had no appreciation for, and no way to really conceive the stress, time and effort that the adults had put into the preparation of.

After the meal the adults lounged around visiting, watch football, talking of old times, and we children were sent off to play as cousins. We were off to the bedrooms to play. My most clear memory is of the sexual encounters that occurred between my older cousin, me, and my oldest brother. I am certain that the stress of the day, mixed with generational energy of sexual abuse, made for the perfect environment for this secret sexual behavior. I remember feeling excited terror at the idea of being caught by the grown ups, and yet this fear did not stop the action, but added extra excitement to the activity.

As I grew older and these traditions continued, I remember dreading them more and more. I remember dreading the encounters with my aging extended family. The intense embarrassment I felt at not being able to remember their names. I remember dreading the time with my cousins; the fear of further sexual encounters and the shame of the secret past. I remember feelings this dread in the pit of my stomach to a point where I felt literally sick. I remember having this feeling for many years, even to the point of early adult hood.

It has not been until my 30’s that I was able to move past this and forgive myself for not knowing my extended family, only to have them all die during this time.

I watch my husband’s family, especially as it relates to my daughters Marley age 8 and Mikalah age 16. I have a huge

appreciation and even secret envy of how his family engages with Marley and Mikalah. Mikalah has been raised with her great aunties involved in her day to day life, and those that she does not see on a regular basis are aware of this lack of familiarity so when they are in town, they make an extra effort to connect with Mikalah in a way that she is comfortable with. Actually, this is not an extra effort; it is just their way of being. Mikalah is an incredible young lady; one of her most endearing qualities is saying what is. She would likely say, “Which auntie are you? Are you Kat or JoAnne?” And they would reply simply saying “I’m your aunt Kat.” Then they would be off talking about the latest style or fashion or what they saw last week on QVC as this is one of their favorite interests. They are a family who laughs a lot, mostly at themselves.

I’ve learned so much from Mikalah and from my husband’s family. My husband will be traveling and out of the blue call some cousin or another, someone he might not have spoke with in years. He does this with excitement and love and expects the same response when he calls, and gets it. That is so very opposite from my family. I can barely remember the names of 2nd cousins, much less to feel comfortable in calling them after not seeing them for years. Yet, I long for this kind of comfort and connection. My husband will pick up the phone and have a ten-minute conversation with a great auntie or uncle about this or that. Feeling completely connected with no need for this to be a 30 minute call; again, so opposite from my family. My husband calls his mother for a 2 minute report on something interesting he heard or read, and his mom does the same with him. I admire this kind of closeness. It requires no formal reasoning, no introduction, and no explanation.

I wonder how it will be when I am a great auntie. Will my great nieces or nephews, who are still angels waiting to come into our world, feel invited to sit on my lap and wiggle my jiggley neck skin. Will I be able to laugh at myself and my smelly clothes, and loose false teeth? Will I invite them to play with me, or will I wait with hope that they will ask me to play? Will the influence of my husband’s family be enough to help me create pathways for connection to my extended family so that we may all have the closeness and connection we yearn for?

I wander, but why wait. I think I’ll do something different and therefore create something different. I wish for you the same and a peaceful Holiday season.

Kristi Saul-Post is the mother of Kevin, Mikalah and Marley Post and the Chief Cheerleader for Bryan Post. She regularly contributes to the Post Institute facebook page and handles all inquiries and questions related to the Inner Circle. You can reach her at va@postinnercircle.com

A THANKS-GIVING STORY Kristi Saul-Post

Kristi Saul-Post

Bryan Post’s Love Revolution Journal December 2011 5 www.postinstitute.com

BELIEFS, EFFORT OR BEHAVIOR: HOW DO WE CHANGE? Wilma (Willie) Ice

Last week my seven year old son was attempting to perform magic with a kit he bought at the Dollar Tree. He examined every item in the kit and tried a variety of unsuccessful strategies for making hot dogs appear, handkerchiefs unfold etc. Undaunted by the lack of success, he leaned on to the table, peered at a little gadget and whispered, “Please disappear.” He continued to walk around the table whispering sweet words he believed could create magic, yet the gadget did not rise into the air as he expected. Finally, he abandoned his efforts and nearly in tears pleaded, “Mom, will you help?” (My seven year old initially felt like a big, in control boy. He had purchased his magic kit with his own money and was confident that he could produce magic all by himself. He wanted only for mom to watch him perform). Given the freedom to explore and test his beliefs, he concluded that effort, conviction and endearing words were not enough. Only in disappointment and failure was my son receptive to influence.

The play of my seven year old carries within it an important adult lesson. Our beliefs must be challenged as we grow, and modified or surrendered, to make way for deeper understanding. Sometimes, as adults we also seem to be trying to perform magic instead of expanding our understanding of what love is, how peace is created, or how to move beyond our comfort zone in parenting sore and wounded children. How many of us welcome a challenge to our core beliefs about parenting, self, politics, religion, the formation or continuation of civilized society? How negotiable are our strongest beliefs? Can we grasp that belief and certainty are different when we live as if they are the same?

After being taught what constitutes truth or untruth, good or bad and right or wrong how many of us can accept that the phenomenology of inner experience, upon analysis, allows us to see that there are no such simple divisions? How many of us have thought deeply enough about our beliefs to understand how or when they were formed? We are not often able to appreciate how totally conditioned we are to believe as we do and the impact of our beliefs on how we think and behave. Our actions in parenting a challenging child stems from these underlying beliefs. If what we believe and what we think we believe are different, we can find that parenting a deeply traumatized child is beyond us.

Natural laws are built into the universe and apply to all of life even if we are uninformed about them. My son’s magic tricks proved this point to him even if he has no knowledge of gravity, relativity, cause and effect etc. Sweet words, no matter how lovingly spoken, don’t cause objects on a table to disappear. I have learned through parenting that the law of love, a fundamental spiritual law, applies even if we are ignorant of it. Effort is important, but living has taught me that a porous and moving thought system, along with an open heart and a free spirit, creates far more meaningful outcomes. Our soul pushes

us to identify our life purpose and then to experience it. We feel a lack of deep fulfillment and fear death if we do not do this. The older we are the more tempted we are to adhere to habits and hold on to beliefs about what has and hasn’t worked in our past. Effort is a friend only if aligned with a continual deepening of understanding.

Eckhart Tolle has gained popularity as a spiritual teacher because he encourages living in the present moment, the now, and offers the lay person tools for how to begin experiencing and understanding life apart from prior social, moral, or cultural conditioning. The same spiritual principles of presence and mindfulness are fundamental to the work of a lesser known family therapist and attachment specialist, Bryan Post, who has developed a love based paradigm of specialized parenting based on living in the now. Both Tolle and Post model radical (the meaning of which is root) approaches to loving. Their audience is different in that Tolle speaks to the masses and Post has chosen the most wounded children and their parents. This ‘living mindfully and being present in the now’ philosophy seems too simple, yet anyone who tries to apply the principles Tolle and Post speak of discovers how challenging it is to step outside the norm and explore what is unknown or unfamiliar in order to love more deeply.

It was not until I became the parent of one profoundly wounded little girl, and realized that a new approach to parenting was required, that I learned how little familiarity I had with love and how uncomfortable I was with intimacy. What began as examining my parenting tools and beliefs led to questioning all that had conditioned my beliefs and that had contributed to forming me as a mother, and human being. Many of my beliefs, when carefully dissected and understood, turned out to be different from what I said I believed. For instance, I wanted to believe, and verbalized a belief, that loving experiences were instrumental to psychological healing and general well being. I actually believed that effort was the primary factor permitting healing and transcendence of past pain.

Effort alone is an ingredient of failure. Too much effort going into the wrong things can leave us confused, lonely, frustrated and lacking joy or meaning. My littlest daughter put much effort into self protection even after she had been moved to an externally safe environment. I put equal effort into upholding the best parenting teaching that I had received up to that time although it fell short of what she, and my other children, required. My daughter and I shared an unsafe inner climate. Until I was introduced to the specialized parenting modeled by

(Continued on page 6)

Willie Ice

Bryan Post’s Love Revolution Journal December 2011 6 www.postinstitute.com

Bryan Post, nothing I understood about trauma in my history or my daughters, gave me the resourcefulness to help her transform her inner terror. Nothing had really challenged me to go deeper in love than is normative in society, yet both my daughter and I had experienced trauma beyond what is typical for a mother or child. We needed experiences of transformational love our families, religion, community and culture had not yet offered us.

In order to grow into the parent my daughter needed me to become, I undertook an emotionally excruciating process of uncovering core beliefs that interfered with loving. I faced up to my mostly subconscious belief that I was a love imposter without goodness or capacity for loving, despite having learned to speak eloquently of love and frequently modeling actions that are rightly identified as loving. My lack of understanding of these polarities, which stemmed from prolonged abusive conditioning in my early life, created much internal conflict. My challenging young daughter held similar self beliefs and was unable to believe herself worthy of love. This belief was reflected in severe behaviors that led to a request for her removal from at least one former family initially interested in adopting her. She was at that time just 3 ½ years old.

Understanding emotionally instead of merely cognitively, that my children and I were not outside the transforming power of love changed my relationship with them. False beliefs learned from neglecting or abusive parents, held by our children and ourselves, are not easier to surrender than strongly defining religious, political, parenting, social or cultural beliefs. It takes intense support and profound courage to transform a belief system, regardless of how harmful it may be for us. Plucking the roots of limiting and unhealthy belief promises additional confusion and instability, for a time. A child can’t tolerate this confusion and instability unless we as parents take the journey with them.

So, how does a willing parent help a child surrender a belief system that implies, “I fend for myself and you do too”. Or beliefs that blatantly scream, “I am no good.” “You hate me!” “Nothing in this world is fair, etc.” I put so much effort into being what I wanted to be - a caring person and a loving mom - that I was fooled about what I really believed about myself. Thankfully, the beliefs and behaviors of my children triggered an eruption of inner tensions into a full fledged battle with self. I had cultivated habits, over a lifetime of hard work, associated with ordinarily effective living without thoroughly uncovering the insane beliefs formed during the abuses of my childhood.

We do not want to teach our children to hide fear and pain behind hard work, imitation or compliance.

How are beliefs changed and integrated? Beliefs are often held with such conviction that a person has no remaining openness to influences that are challenging but surrounds herself by likeminded persons. Adults tend to associate with other adults who share political, religious or parenting beliefs. Our children find friends who support their beliefs about themselves. Cognitively, a shamed child will be limited in openness to parental influence. A defensive adult is likewise tempted to dismiss the value of beliefs he can’t, because of his own conditioning, grasp. The shamed child and the defensive adult still need to hear a loving cognitive message that speaks to the brain. But we should not expect cognitive reassurances to be enough to bring change.

Sometimes a child makes behavioral changes as a result of consequences for not complying, and this may result in the child

seeming to be fine. This may especially seem true for a child with challenging behavior that is pulled into the norm. Yet, behavior isn’t a guaranteed measuring tool for whether a child’s beliefs about himself have changed. Behavior is a reflection of externals as well as the child’s inner beliefs or values. Sometimes children who hate themselves, or feel the least worthy, can have the most severe behaviors. Or, they may be the most compliant. They may avoid getting attention, and therefore services, because they do not ‘act out’. So, if verbalizations or behavioral norms do not ensure the changing of shame based beliefs, what does?

Centuries ago, the ordinary person accepted the presence of miracles and

these were powerful events through which beliefs were derived. Yet, the miracles of centuries ago are sometimes explained better by the science of today. Science, as a theoretical and practical discipline, arises from the need of humans to inquire and to understand. Science is a human construct, an attempt to understand the fullness of the world of creation. Spirituality is the experience of open inquiry and understanding in the now. Spirituality is a divine experience in human time and space. Science can not study anything more than what our inquiring mind can in space and time grasp and process. Spirituality is a better measure of the individual and collective progress we are making in understanding love and the realms of higher consciousness. Sometimes, we understand best if we too accept the explanation of a miracle. It’s this grand and this simple.

Beliefs, Effort or Behavior: How Do We Change? (Continued from page 5)

(Continued on page 7)

My challenging young daughter held similar self beliefs and was unable to believe herself worthy of

love. This belief was reflected in severe behaviors that led to a request for her removal

from at least one former family initially interested in

adopting her. She was at that time just 3 ½ years old.

Bryan Post’s Love Revolution Journal December 2011 7 www.postinstitute.com

Unfortunately, we live in a culture that currently values scientific law above spiritual law and insists on this kind of evidence as the basis for changing beliefs and practices. This is a tragedy since both natural law and spiritual law are built into the universe. Centuries ago, many a scientist was silenced or persecuted for offering evidence that challenged prevailing societal or church beliefs. Today, most businesses, health care organizations, government and human service organizations hesitate to implement strategies for change if there is not strong scientific evidence documenting this change as best practice. What if the answer to transforming hearts and lives corrupted by neglect and abuse lies less in science, and more in spirituality?

Science can not be discounted for all its benefits and beauty. We should continue to study every aspect of creation including finding ways to study what we have not yet studied. I tend to think science will catch up in its ability to scientifically study the ability of some humans to access inner peace, and being in the now, more readily than others. This peace is what permits some people to take the high road when others, who are not lesser human beings, can not. Yet science has few really helpful tools for understanding the consciousness of matter or the higher consciousness - love capacity - of humans. Understanding the essential dynamics of love and living, and the injuries that thwart loving are best answered at this point in time by what we call spirituality (not to be confused with any religious path).

Eckhart Tolle, a gentleman who was relatively obscure until recently, has successfully inspired millions across the world to change beliefs by turning inward and permitting mindfulness in the present. How exactly has this happened and why? Tolle’s

bestselling the Power of Now is an easy to read lay book designed to offer a beginning set of tools to any person seeking an experience of spiritual transformation. Bryan Post, a uniquely experienced family therapist and attachment specialist, applies the same pointers in guiding overwhelmed parents and angry, aggressive children towards an experience of personal transformation. Very often these families have been formed through foster care and older child adoption. The development of sensitivity in living and loving is hard to measure and absolutely essential to fruitful change.

Jim Marion, in his book Putting On The Mind of Christ, states that the laws of love are universal and can often be tougher than whatever moral or legal codes people have devised for their communities. (Jesus pointed this out to the Pharisees again and again). The law of love may be called many different things in different societies or by different disciplines, but it applies nonetheless. Under spiritual law we are responsible for everything we think, say, do, and fail to do. (This law of cause and effect is built into the universe). Marion writes, “Our inner essence is pure love and to the extent that we are at peace, or one with this, we will think, speak, and behave accordingly.” Someday, I think we shall scientifically validate the many lessons of inner spiritual experience and wonder why it didn’t happen sooner or more easily.

Wilma (Willie) Ice is a single adoptive mom to a teenage daughter, Courtney, and to seven year olds, Charlie and Rosie. She is a nurse with the Commonwealth of Virginia, a former missionary, a former middle school teacher, and a military veteran. She is also a former foster child and the daughter of a former foster child. Willie has a strong commitment to foster and adoptive children and their families, including birth families. She can be reached at Wilma.ice@comcast.net

Beliefs, Effort or Behavior: How Do We Change? (Continued from page 6)

Prep Time: 10 minutes • Total Time: 30 minutes • Servings: 12

Ingredients: 3 tablespoons butter or margarine 1 package (10 oz - about 40) regular marshmallows - OR - 4 cups miniature marshmallows 6 cups Rice Krispies®

Directions: In large saucepan melt butter over low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until completely melted. Remove from heat. Add KELLOGG'S RICE KRISPIES cereal. Stir until well coated. Using buttered spatula or wax paper evenly press mixture into 13 x 9 x 2-inch pan coated with cooking spray. Cool. Cut into 2-inch squares.

MICROWAVE DIRECTIONS: In microwave-safe bowl heat butter and marshmallows on HIGH for 3 minutes, stirring after 2 minutes. Stir until smooth. Follow steps 2 and 3 above. Microwave cooking times may vary.

Note: For best results, use fresh marshmallows. 1 jar (7 oz.) marshmallow crème can be substituted for marshmallows. Diet, reduced calorie or tub margarine is not recommended. Store no more than two days at room temperature in airtight container. To freeze, place in layers separated by wax paper in airtight container. Freeze for up to 6 weeks. Let stand at room temperature for 15 minutes before serving.

The Original Rice Krispies® Treats Because Stressed Spelled Backwards is Desserts!

For some great ideas for Holiday Treats, visit www.ricekrispies.com

Bryan Post’s Love Revolution Journal December 2011 8 www.postinstitute.com

For some parents, getting ready for the upcoming holidays is a mixture of fun and fear. Children, off their usual school schedules, look forward to freedom from routine, added snacks, and plenty of things new. For all families, these new things can spell disaster or invite new opportunities to build relationships through positive time together as a family, reinforcing family rituals and traditions, and learning in non-traditional ways.

One of the most welcome times during holidays is the family time school vacations allow. I know not all parents have the same time off as their children and the scurrying to find child care can be a problem, but this can give other family members or close friends a chance to spend fun time with your child. Kids

love to visit with family and friends during the holidays—even

more when the babysitting adult or older relative or friend comes to their house.

With good preparation, even the hours while parents are working and children are not in school can be fun. Many children just want the downtime. They want to rest, to sleep in, to play with their toys a little longer than they can while school is in session, and to watch a little more television and DVDs. And when parents come home from work, children know that the holiday time can mean special time with parents. After all, there is no homework, less demand for routines, and more exciting things to do—like make out those Christmas gift lists and even make cookies.

For parents, this can also be a relaxing time as long as they prepare well. Don’t try to cram in shopping, cookies, and an office party on the same night. Plan for a mixture of home time and outings. Stop being uptight because the kids don’t seem to want to do all you have planned. They are exhausted from the first semester of school and the change in routine can be overwhelming. Give them a couple days and the enthusiasm will return. Be careful about adjusting the schedule too much. Most of our kids need routine to keep them feeling safe and loved. When parents plan the holidays with children in mind, the children recognize that they are a priority and flourish with the added attention.

The holidays are an important time to build on established family traditions or to create new ones. All children love to talk about what their family does for the holidays. For some this will be tied to religious ceremonies and church traditions. Others will be your own family creations. In either case, it is important to honor the traditions. If you have a child in your home that was

adopted as an older child and had good memories of family traditions from before the adoption, incorporate them into your traditions. Children of international adoption will enjoy having some traditions from their culture of origin included in your home.

You may even want to discover fun things to do in your household. Talk about events that seem to have become traditions without any real planning. For example, my daughter loved the Macy’s parade on Thanksgiving. It had never been important to me, but it became part of our family ritual because she loved it. Baking for Thanksgiving and Christmas has always been an important part of the holidays in my family and anyone visiting quickly gets pulled into the fun. Some years ago, my adult cousins joined us in cutting out sugar cookies and decorating them. This was one of their favorite holiday experiences.

Be sure to include all the children, regardless of their ages. Teenagers may hesitate, but they love the security of the rituals of family time at the holidays. If in the past you have had bad experiences with some of traditions, evaluate whether they need some revision. Traditions should add a sense of belonging to the family members. Any ritual that excludes members should be reconsidered. Good traditions bind us together.

One of the best parts of the holidays for me is doing things we might not normally have time to do, such as non-traditional learning experiences—fun learning that does not involve books, though it certainly can: Going on road trips to the grandparents can sneak in a visit to an interesting location, historical site, or peculiar place. While visiting the

grandparents, we might do a little genealogy research or oral history interviewing. The most fun is had outdoors—taking walks, exploring the neighborhood, making good use of any snow that might appear. Why not capture a few leaves and make a rubbing or do some pencil sketching or explore water colors?

For the musician there are plenty of songs to sing or play. Then there are games—ones you have purchased and ones you create. Cooking and baking are also fun times to learn all about fractions and measurement. How about spending the holiday speaking a new language, labeling and naming and testing one

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HOLIDAYS ARE FOR BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS Kathy Clark, M.S., LPE

Most of our kids need routine to keep them feeling safe and loved. When parents plan the

holidays with children in mind, the children

recognize that they are a priority and flourish

with the added attention.

Bryan Post’s Love Revolution Journal December 2011 9 www.postinstitute.com

UNDERSTANDING PARENTING BLUEPRINTS Bryan Post

BRYAN’S BIG

LESSON OF THE

MONTH

One day while working with a private client, of which I have few mostly based on the impact of this message I want to share with you, I came to a very emotional understanding. Let me tell you how it came about.

I had been working with a unique mom of three adopted children off and on for the course of several months, and though struggling some days massively, other days the family was making steady progress. Well this happened to be one of those massive days of struggle. As she was sitting on the couch in front of the large picture window in her front room, and I sat opposite of her in chair, I reflected on the rain falling outside. Though it looked blustery outside it was still quite warm. Prompting to her continue looking at some of her emotional reactions, it was as though a bolt of lightening struck me! All of a sudden the deepest sadness shook me as I saw something which previously was not there.

Here I was talking, working, supporting, nudging, pushing, and encouraging this very strong mother to reexamine her belief patterns about her parenting and her children when suddenly I realized that she had no core understanding, or blueprints if you will, for what I was trying to get her to do. I began to cry. She asked me why I was crying and I told her, “I just had the deepest sense of sadness and anger for what I and the rest of society have been doing to you. We are trying to get you to build a parenting castle and the actual truth is that you only have blueprints for a trailer house. Oh my gosh, that just makes me so sad and so angry because everyone is expecting you to build and do something for which you have never been taught. You have no blueprints for building a castle. You only have blueprints for a trailer house. How frustrating and sad that must be for you.” She replied, “No Bryan, you are wrong. I don’t have blueprints for a trailer house. I have blueprints for a lean-to!” as she began to sob as well.

John Bowlby, the Father of Attachment, stated in the fifties, “The first three years of our lives establish the blueprints for all of our future relationships.” That’s for all of our future relationships, not just some of them. Our marital relationships, our parent-child relationships, our peer relationships, our friendship relationship, even our work relationships. Science now tells us that it is actually closer to conception to five years of age that establish those blueprints.

Here’s what important though, based on what we believe we are seeing in others, their homes, their children, their relationships, we are driven to create what we think are castles. Because the mom across the street isn’t arguing with her son, and he’s a star athlete, we believe that they are living in a parenting castle. We want that castle. So we become persistent, patient, compassionate, empathetic, and understanding. We really want that castle. But, over time we start to struggle. Our relationship with our child isn’t so great. She’s not doing so well in school, doesn’t have that many friends, has difficulty interacting with the family. We don’t realize that what we are seeing in our child is unconsciously challenging our ideal of a parenting castle, so we become frustrated. We shift from being loving, patient and understanding, to becoming critical, controlling, shaming, blaming, and threatening. We want that

castle and by gosh my child is not going to get in the way of it.

Guess what? You just had a blueprint misfire. In your effort to create something ideal, you forgot about your original working blueprints. You measured wrong, cut wrong, and hammered wrong. Your true blueprints became activated causing your ideal blueprints to misfire. Rather than in the midst of stress doing what the mother with the parenting castle blueprints would do, you reverted back to your trailer house blueprints and acted according to the plan of those prints. Does that make you bad or wrong? Absolutely not, however, we must

realize that our blueprints are our working map for relationships. Before we can build that castle we must first look closely at what we have. That’s the painful part. We want the castle but in order to build new blueprints, make modifications, and adjustments to get the castle, you have to be willing to look at what you’ve got. Before you can have something different, you must be willing to closely examine what you’ve got and then recalculate.

The biggest problem with so many of our parenting systems, mental health systems, foster care systems, adoption systems, etc. is that they were created and are fostered by individuals whom are not fully aware of their own personal blueprints not to mention those of the people they are trying to work with.

(Continued on page 11)

In your effort to create something ideal, you forgot about your original working

blueprints. You measured wrong, cut wrong, and hammered wrong. Your true blueprints

became activated causing your ideal blueprints to misfire.

Bryan Post’s Love Revolution Journal December 2011 10 www.postinstitute.com

1) Understanding - Foster/Adoptive children need

understanding regarding all of the experiences they are bringing into the home of the foster or adoptive parents. We need to understand that all foster/adoptive children have experienced trauma. Trauma is any stressful event which is prolonged, unexpected or we don’t have control of on our own.) Trauma causes our children to reside in an emotional state of fear. Their behaviors are fear driven. Our children’s behaviors are their attempts to communicate their fear. Trauma triggers fear which then triggers behaviors. Caregivers need to see traumatized children in the context of all that they have experienced not just the behaviors we see at this moment. Their behaviors make sense in the context of their experiences.

2) Consistency of Placement - Foster/Adoptive children

need a place to heal not just change. There is a difference between healing and changing. Changing is simply controlling behaviors so children can maintain a placement. Healing takes place when our children are allowed to feel safe, loved and understood over a period of time (over a year.)

3) Attachment and Bonding - Foster/Adoptive children need the safety and regulation to be able to attach to caring adults. They need caregivers who are regulated (have learned to calm themselves) enough to bond with them even if they will not remain with them permanently.

4) Regulation - Foster/Adoptive

children need safety, love and understanding in order to learn to develop their own “regulation- a calm state of arousal.” The whole protective services system needs to become regulated so we can support foster/adoptive parents in becoming the calm, regulated caregivers that foster/adoptive children need in order to feel safe. Children can not process their stress and trauma without calm, understanding caregivers who create the safety they need for processing their emotions.

5) Awareness - Foster/Adoptive children need the adults in

their lives to become aware of their own stress. Since stress is known to cause confused and distorted thinking, under stress - caregivers can forget the stressed child is not being

“bad” because they are “a bad child.” The acting out child is scared and needs to feel safe in order to calm down. Dysregulated children (children operating outside the bounds of their own window of stress tolerance) can cause caregivers to become triggered into their own unresolved issues. In their own state of stress, the caregiver can see the child as a threat to them. Caregivers need to learn to be mindful of the issues the child triggers within them and address their own issues instead of blaming the child for causing them to feel upset. And, as the caregiver becomes aware of their own triggers, they can then become more aware of what triggers the child to become dysregulated and begin the process of finding solutions with the child.

6) Structure - Foster/Adoptive children need to have the kind

of structure in their lives which allows them to feel in control, safe, and able to predict how and when their needs will be

met. Consistency helps reduce the ongoing stress they are experiencing. Caregivers need to provide a flexible structure which can be adapted when necessary to meet the child’s needs. Our children had no control of what was done to them or when or if their needs would be met, so it is understandable that they seek control and predictability and become stressed when they do not feel in control.

7) Containment - Foster/Adoptive

children need to have adults who help reduce the situations which cause them more fear which sometimes requires that we make their worlds smaller. Sometimes our children are not ready to handle too many new and overwhelming (even positive) experiences. For example, the foster/adoptive family might need to stay home with the child instead of taking

them to church until the child has adjusted and begins to feel more regulated and safe. Another example of containment would be having a child at a new school initially staying with the teacher at recess because peer interaction might be too overwhelming and cause them to become dysregulated.

8) Time In - Foster/Adoptive children need to be brought

closer to someone who can help them calm down when they

(Continued on page 11)

THE NINE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS

FOSTER OR ADOPTIVE CHILDREN NEED Bryan Post and Juli Alvarado (Interview summarized by Sharon Campbell, Child Welfare Clinician)

Healing takes place when our children are allowed to feel safe,

loved and understood over a period of time

(over a year.)

Bryan Post’s Love Revolution Journal December 2011 11 www.postinstitute.com

work with even more challenging children. I have lost and gained these things for one reason, I have been unwavering in my belief about the love that children deserve, uncompromising on my approach to providing it to them, and willing to stare public scrutiny in the face and not change my message, because I know it is the right message. Why do I do these things? Because there are few revolutionaries left in our world and it is time for a love revolution.

Where do you stand?

Choose Love,

B. Chief Love Revolutionary

Bryan’s BIG Idea (Continued from page 12)

You can have that castle, but first appreciate what you’ve got. It’s not that bad. Once you examine closely your current blueprints, where they came from, what they tell you, the directions they give you, then you can slow down and self-correct. Keep your eye on that castle, but first build on what you already have. Also find someone living in a bigger parenting house than your own and ask that person to give you some direction. There’s a pretty simple law called the law of replication. It says if you want what some one else has, find out what they are doing and do the same thing. Pretty soon the law takes care of itself.

And finally, based on the history of our nation and the degree of stress and trauma we have withstood throughout the generations, there are very few parenting castles, only illusions of such. We can all build it, but it takes time, patience, understanding, diligence, persistence, and love. When your trailer starts to get a little shaky, go back and explore the foundation. Add another support. Remember, the supports you add today will be the same supports for your castle tomorrow.

Choose Love,

B. Chief Love Revolutionary

Bryan’s Big Lesson: Understanding Parenting Blueprints (Continued from page 9)

are acting out instead of sending them away to be isolated as in a Time-out. Children act out not because they want attention but because they need attention. Our children need the closeness that they were not afforded in their history. Isolation is re-inventing the rejection these children experienced in their history. Time-outs are re-traumatizing for foster/adoptive children.

9) Emotional Flexibility of Caregivers - Foster/Adoptive

children need their caregivers to be able to handle all of their emotions. Their caregivers need to be open to hearing their stress/trauma/fear/anger and not personalizing these reactions. “It is through the expression, the processing and the understanding of the child’s fear and trauma that we can calm the stress and diminish the behaviors.” We need to be able to tell them “I can see this is a really difficult time for you. I want to understand and I want to be a safe person for you so that you can tell me what is going on.”

Final Thoughts - Hold on to the love we have for our

children. Understand the pain that we share with them. Keep reaching to create peace for them and ourselves. Children are much more in touch with emotions than we as adults are. So we should consider them a gift in our lives to help us get in touch with our own unresolved issues in order that we can heal together.

The Nine Most Important Things Foster or Adoptive Children Need (Continued from page 10)

another’s knowledge in non-threatening ways? Have you read a good book? Why not turn it into a fun family or neighborhood play? Rather than watch the same old holiday movie, make one of your own.

The most important part of holidays is joining together as a family to spend time and have positive interactions with one another. Parents need to do a little planning, keep it simple, and remain flexible. Start with a bunch of ideas then narrow them to a few or even one that is most fun and valuable to your family. Make the holidays a relaxing time away from school routines that also direct the children toward family activities and quiet and creative times together.

The most important and lasting holiday traditions that bind families together are often the simplest and (especially to adults) seemingly unimportant. A parent-child shopping trip may be a tradition for the parent, full of looking and buying; but to the child, the fun part may be the stop at the ice cream shop and a quiet chat with Dad afterward. So, parents, make some plans, relax, hurry less and enjoy more. Have a wonderful holiday season.

Kathy Clark, M.S., LPE, is a school-based mental health therapist with 25 years’ experience working with children and families. Her book, Relationship Parenting: A Guide to Family Connection, combines study in the fields of stress, trauma, attachment, and developmental psychology with sound Biblical principles. She is also a speaker and trainer for parents, educators and therapists. Kathy may be reached at www.allaboutrelationship.com.

Holidays Are For Building Relationships (Continued from page 8)

It’s Time for a Love Revolution… Is There Ever a Time When It’s Not?

Several years ago I did the keynote luncheon talk for almost two hundred folks at Virginia’s One Church, One Child annual adoption conference. It was truly an honor. I found it particularly interesting that upon arrival I was greeted with much openness and love by most of the administrators. That felt good. However, out of at least six ministers also serving as board members only one actually acknowledged my presence by introducing himself and welcoming me. That felt interesting. It was not as though they didn’t know I was the keynote speaker for their conference, as my face was plastered in the brochure and on the screen where we sat. I don’t even think it was an oversight or they were too busy with details, as many of those were attended to by others. Rather these delegates of Christ’s teachings, the divine teacher of love, were constricted by fear and uncertainty. The leaders of many people, people who put trust and faith in these leaders, unable to merely acknowledge the presence of another individual. Some might call this behavior, rude, arrogant, pampas, or any other such word, but I’d rather just call it fear. In times of revolution there must be courage. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to move forward in its midst.

When we are constricted we are not open, cannot be open, therefore we stay closed to relationships of all sorts. We live in just such a constricted, stressed out, relationship absent world. When things don’t go our way, don’t work out as we had hoped or envisioned, we are quick to constrict and sacrifice all manner of relationships established along the way. Martin Luther King, Jr., a great love revolutionary in his own right stated, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” I have learned that stress free times maketh not a man or a friend, but only the pain of challenge, rejection, and failure can reveal the true character of man. Once the dust has settled then there you will find your most trusted confidants and fellow revolutionaries.

When will we set aside our childish fears, insecurities, and anxieties and challenge ourselves to the core to look at the world we have created with honesty and courage? My friend and fellow revolutionary, Pat O’Brien, is an uncompromising man on fire about

BRYAN POST’S IDEA OF THE MONTH

making sure teen foster children have a home and a family before they age out of care. I have found that with revolutionaries, you either love or hate them. There is no in between, because they don’t live that way. If they did, true change would most likely never happen because they would be too busy shifting and changing their message to fit what others need to hear. It is said that the truth is hard to hear. I believe that. On the stage at the conference I informed the audience that I wasn’t there to make them feel good, but to bring them discomfort. To force them out of old ways of thinking, so that they might be compelled to begin a new way of thinking. Love me or hate me, you will know exactly where I stand.

During the last several years I’ve lost prospering businesses, relationships that I had believed would be lifelong, and opportunities to help children that have not been helped before. On the other hand, I have watched those I would have least expected stand up, witnessed other areas of business grow magnificently stronger, and been given opportunities to

(Continued on page 11)

Bryan Post

BIG