TACHE UP!

“If you know what’s good for you.”

Salty Sea Man

As seen on: Captain Birdseye

Associated with: Frozen produce, the whiff of fish, a nautical cap and groups of children.

Verdict: You’ll end up looking like Harold Shipman crossed with a pedophile, not a good look in anybody’s book. If you grow one, remember to stay away from bingo halls and nurseries.

King of the Jews

As seen on: Jesus Christ

Associated with: Crown of thorns, huge crucifix, 9-inch nails.

Verdict: Timeless. 2000 years later, from Lennon to the hobo this look is still going strong.

Italian Plumber

As seen on: Super Mario

Associated with: Mushrooms, pipes and psychedelic worlds.

Verdict: Super Mario is a legend and so will you be if you grow this moustache.

Hammer-time

As seen on: Peter Sutcliffe

Associated with: False number plates, dead prostitutes, hammers and numerous failed appeals.

Verdict: I think it’s safe to say that he’s a cunt and so is his moustache, capiche.

The Paint Brush

As seen on: Adolf Hitler

Associated with: Shit coloured uniform, crazy political ideas, fascism, iconic half-arsed salute and a stupid haircut.

Verdict: Charlie Chaplin rocked it back in the early 20th Century, Hitler didn’t. Best only wear it for Dead Bastard Day.

What a Dick

As seen on: Dick Dastardly

Associated with: A dog called Muttley, Wacky Races, an elusive pigeon, evil schemes and badass vehicles.

Verdict: He’s a loveable rogue, but the moral of the story is cheaters never win. Plus, he never did catch that fucking pigeon.

Terrorist

As seen on: Osama Bin Laden

Associated with: U.S Military Jacket, a turban, beetamax videotapes, kidney failure and living in caves.

Verdict: They won’t let you take that rucksack and bottle of Lucozade onto the plane mate.

Frenchman

As seen on: Men from France

Associated with: A bicycle, a fag in the gob, a beret, wine, onions, frog’s legs, stripy tops and the smell of garlic.

Verdict: French people are cool, sexy and sophisticated all at the same time. Phwoar, I’ll have some of that.

The Outlaw

As seen on: Mexicans

Associated with: A job at Wal-Mart, party food, lots of offspring, scruffy hair, bad American accent and swigging at a bottle of tequila.

Verdict: Mexicans are always on wanted posters and having your face plastered everywhere sends you a bit loopy, just look at Susan Boyle.

© Adam Byrne 2010