TEACHING CHILDREN

EMBODIED PEACEMAKING:

Body Awareness, Self-Regulation

and Conflict Resolution

An E-Book by

Paul Linden, Ph.D.

www.being-in-movement.com

TEACHING CHILDREN EMBODIED PEACEMAKING

Body Awareness, Self-Regulation and

Conflict Resolution

Paul Linden, Ph.D.

First Edition

2006

CCMS Publications

www.being-in-movement.com

Columbus, Ohio

TEACHING CHILDREN EMBODIED PEACEMAKING: Body Awareness, Self-Regulation, and Conflict Resolution by Paul Linden, PhD

Published by CCMS Publications 221 Piedmont Road Columbus, Ohio 43214 USA 614-262-3355 paullinden@aol.com www.being-in-movement.com All rights reserved. No part of this book (except for the summary handout form) may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval sys-tem, without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quo-tations in a review. Copyright © 2006 by Paul Linden First edition 2006

Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication (Provided by Quality Books, Inc.)

Linden, Paul. Teaching children embodied peacemaking [electronic resource] : body awareness, self-regulation and conflict resolution : an e-book / by Paul Linden. -- 1st ed. p. cm. System requirements: Adobe Acrobat Reader. Mode of access: World Wide Web. Includes index. ISBN 0-9716261-6-2 (e-book) 1. Conflict management. 2. Interpersonal conflict in children. 3. Movement education. 4. Mind and body. I. Title. HM1126.L55 2006 303.6'9 QBI06-600141

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Notes

1 – INTRODUCTION ................................................................. 1

2 – SOFT TUMMY ...................................................................... 8

Tissues / Soft Tummy

Yelling “Noses” / Soft Tummy Breathing

Rocks Breathing / Crowd Tissues

3 – POSTURE ............................................................................... 18

Kneeling / Yelling / Soft Tummy Breathing

All Fours / Standing / Washcloth Throw

Walking / Walking The Gauntlet

4 – KINDNESS ............................................................................. 29

Smiling Heart / Thumb War

Unbendable Arm / Smiling Heart / Tickling

5 – SPACIOUSNESS ................................................................... 34

Reaching Twice / Distraction

Six Directions Reaching / Fishing

Mouth Marbles

6 – SENSITIVITY ........................................................................ 43

Mirror Polishing

Following a Partner

Watching People

7 – YIELDING .............................................................................. 47

Yielding to a Grip

Yielding to a Shove

Wobble

8 – CONFLICTS .......................................................................... 53

Hand Flip

Samurai Patty Cake

Role Plays

9 – PARENTS & TEACHERS ................................................... 58

10– APPLICATIONS ................................................................... 60

Sports, Computer Use, Music & Dance, Studying & Test

Taking, Dental & Medical Procedures, Special Needs

11– THE BEGINNING ................................................................. 67

Summary Handout Biography of the Author Index

CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION

A number of years ago, when my son was in the fifth grade, my wife and I

taught four hours of embodied peacemaking to each class in his school. The school

already had a very nice program of conflict resolution and peer mediation, but it was

all verbal and cognitive. It had to do with thinking and talking, and the body was left

out of the equation. However peaceful a person may wish to be, their capacity to

think, talk and act peacefully will be undermined if the body is not in a state of

peace.

Conflicts cannot easily be resolved when the body is in a state of fight-or-flight

arousal. Your internal emergency arousal interferes with your ability to think in

flexible, constructive ways. It narrows your choices to opposition and conflict.

Your emergency arousal also reduces your opponent’s ability to function ef-

fectively. Your non-verbal body language shows that you are feeling/thinking

“threat, danger, enemy, fight, run!” and that non-verbal message will elicit the same

fight-or-flight arousal in your opponent. His or her thinking will therefore also be

narrowed to conflict and opposition.

The non-verbal fight-or-flight signals from your opponent reinforce your own

emergency arousal, which in turn reinforces his. In other words, you and your oppo-

nent create a vicious circle.

Your emergency arousal also interferes with your ability to treat your opponent

in empathetic, humane ways. However, treating others humanely is a crucial element

in resolving conflicts peacefully and building a lasting peace. People have a deep

need to be treated with kindness and respect, and satisfying that need is important in

de-escalating conflicts and establishing cooperation.

And your opponent’s emergency arousal interferes with his ability to treat you

with kindness. Again, a vicious circle.

What is needed to complement the more traditional verbal/cognitive conflict

approaches is a simple, practical way of placing your body into a state of peace. That

makes it possible to create a benign circle, an interaction in which you and your op-

ponent elicit from each other escalating responses of respect and kindness.

We taught the children in my son’s school a simple, systematic way of putting

the body into a state of relaxed alertness as an antidote to emergency arousal. This is

an integrated state of awareness, power and kindness. In this state, you don’t feel

afraid of, angry at, or alienated from an attacker (or from yourself). In this state, you

have the ability to speak words of peace from a peaceful place, a place which is

strong and dignified, which evokes respect and encourages friendship.

2 Teaching Children Embodied Peacemaking

On the last day of school, I went to help my son clear out his locker. As I was

walking up to my son’s room, a little boy plucked at my sleeve and stopped me on

the stairs.

“Mr. Linden,” he said. “Remember teaching us the Soft Tummy Breathing ex-

ercise?”

I remembered the class he had been in.

“Well, I was out on the playground, and an older kid came over. He was mean,

and he wanted to steal my ball. I softened my breathing and I opened my body, and I

said to him, ‘I don’t want to fight with you. Why don’t we play with my ball to-

gether?’ And so we played, and we didn’t fight.”

This an example of how body awareness can help children improve their abili-

ties to create peace in the face of conflict. It is a simple, ideal example. Life is not

always that simple, but the state of embodied peace forms a foundation for dealing

with life’s difficulties and complexities. This book focuses on practical methods for

teaching children how to live effectively and peacefully.

The main part of the book will be devoted to simple, practical methods of

teaching children to create the body state of peace. Since fun is the strongest founda-

tion for effective learning, the exercises will be in the form of enjoyable games. In

addition, since the experience of efficacy and success is the best anchor for new

learning, the games will be oriented toward giving children the experience of their

own capacity to do new and interesting things. The second section of the book will

be brief descriptions of how to apply embodied peace in various daily activities.

The embodied state of peace is the foundation for effective conflict resolution

and peacemaking. It also provides a foundation for effective functioning in just about

any area of life. I have worked with children on enhancing their performance playing

piano or playing soccer. I have worked with children with Attention Deficit Disorder

and Asperger’s Syndrome (a form of high-functioning autism). I have worked with

children who have been abused. I have worked with children on study skills and test-

taking anxiety. The state of calm alertness helps children (and adults) function better

in any task or situation. The point is that applying the state of embodied peace in

various activities is a form of daily practice: it improves one’s skill in generating that

state and thereby improves one’s ability to use it in conflict situations.

THE DISTRESS RESPONSE

Before we begin the practical study of how to create the state of embodied

peace, it will be helpful to gain a better conceptual understanding of what the body

state is and why it is helpful. The key is the body’s distress response.

The body responds to any form of distress by contracting. When people feel

threatened or challenged in any way, they typically contract their breathing, posture,

movement, and attention, and this can take three related forms. It may take the form

of tensing and hardening as a preparation for strength and effort. It may take the form

Chapter 1: Introduction 3

of stiffening and constricting in shock. It may take the form of collapsing and getting

limp or dissociated (spaced out) in defeat. Or elements of these can combine.

Contracting the body reduces ease and effectiveness. Acting in a state of con-

traction is like driving a car with the parking brakes on. Doing any kind of movement

when the breath and muscles are contracted (whether tensely or limply) will make

the movement effortful, inefficient and awkward. But beyond this, the contraction

response reduces the ability to think flexibly; it reduces the ability to function

calmly; and it reduces emotional sensitivity and empathy.

The distress response plays a part in conflict. Fear, anger, and dissociation all

make it difficult or impossible to function effectively, and they thereby actually esca-

late conflict.

A key to improving functioning for children (and adults) in life’s daily activi-

ties is overcoming the distress contraction. Since the distress response is a physical

response of contraction, it is possible to replace it with a physical response of expan-

sion. The exercises in this book will all focus on creating and practicing a body state

of expansiveness. This process is called centering.

CENTERING

Centering is the antidote to the distress response. It is possible to prevent or

overcome contraction by deliberately placing the body in a state of freedom, balance,

and expansiveness. Contrary to our customary ways of being, action is much more

efficient and effective when the body is relaxed, free and expansive. Every activity,

whether it is primarily physical, intellectual, emotional, or spiritual will be done with

greater ease and efficacy when the body is open.

The centered state is a state of wholeness and integrity. It can be described in

different ways. Speaking in structural language, the state of integrity is one in which

the musculoskeletal system is balanced and free of strain. Speaking functionally, this

state allows stable, mobile and balanced movement. Speaking in psychological

terms, this state involves reaching out into the world with a symmetrical, expansive

awareness and intentionality1 while simultaneously staying anchored in internal body

awareness. Speaking in spiritual terms, this state is an integration of the body states

of power and love. Whatever terms we choose to use, they refer to one and the same

mindbody2 state.

For some reason, it is easy and automatic for human beings to drop into the

distress response, but centering needs to be learned, and it needs to be engaged in

voluntarily and deliberately. The key to centering lies in developing and using body

awareness.

1 What this means will become clearer as we go through various exercises.

2 “Mindbody” is a term used in somatic education disciplines to refer to the whole

person without any implication that “mind” is separate from “body.”

4 Teaching Children Embodied Peacemaking

BODY AWARENESS

What is body awareness? The simple answer is that it is the ongoing process of

feeling and noticing your body as you perform actions. That’s a simple answer, but

there is a lot hidden in it.

To begin with, most of us do not feel our bodies very clearly or fully, but since

we don’t have anything to compare it to, we don’t notice how little we notice. Of

course, we aren’t directly aware of the negative effects of not noticing our bodies.

Being aware of your body means:

feeling, sensing, savoring—

the rhythms, tones, qualities, shapes—

of your breathing, your muscles, your posture, your movements—

how you deploy your attention within and outside of your body—

how intentions shape muscle actions and movements—

how all that is a response to what is happening to and around you—

and how it affects your abilities to respond to what is happening to

and around you.

The purpose of body awareness training is to wake up the human capacity for

awareness and choice. Once you are aware of what you are doing as you do it, you

will have the opportunity to choose among the various options for what you do and

how you do it.

……………………

……………………

8

CHAPTER 2

SOFT TUMMY

Let’s start with a simple exercise. This will introduce kids to the fear response

and to a way of overcoming it.

However, let me first introduce two important safety concepts: calibration and

the safety contract. In any conflict resolution exercise, a child who is, for example,

strong, athletic and confident will probably have a very different response than a

child who has been abused and neglected and is constantly anxious. It is important to

know the children you are working with and calibrate the difficulty level of the exer-

cises to their abilities and to their life experiences.

Calibrating an exercise means reducing or increasing its intensity. For exam-

ple, in an exercise in responding calmly to a verbal attack, you can adjust the inten-

sity of the attack upward by raising your voice and getting closer to the person being

spoken to. Or you can adjust the intensity downward by lowering your voice and

moving farther away.

However, it may not always be possible to know the children before you start

working with them. You may be teaching a workshop and have no opportunity to

learn about the children beforehand. In any case, it is never possible to fully know

other human beings. It is important to explain to children that they have the right to

adjust the exercises to their readiness. It is important that they be enlisted as partners

in the process of calibration. And it is important that calibration be framed as a posi-

tive thing. For example, you could ask the kids: “Do you think it’s smart to drive so

fast that you lose control of the car and crash? Or is it smarter to drive more slowly

until you get more experience?” And follow that with something like “In the same

way, you will have the most fun with these exercises if you adjust them to what feels

right to you.”

Beyond just calibration, in order to safeguard the children, it is crucial to estab-

lish with them before you start the exercises an explicitly understood and agreed

upon safety contract:

“You don’t have to do anything don’t want. You don’t have to do any exer-

cises you don’t want to do. You can stop any exercise at any time just by saying

‘Stop’.” Conversely, it is also important to encourage hesitant children to go beyond

their comfort zone and try new things. Of course, it is important to know when to

encourage children to respect their limits and not overdo it.

9

TISSUES / SOFT TUMMY

Ask the children if anyone wants to volunteer for being attacked with tissues.

Almost always some brave kid will volunteer.

Explain to the child that you are going to throw tissues at him, and you want

him to try to tell you what he does when you throw the tissues. Make sure to ask

the child if it is OK to try the experiment.

If he says yes, then have him stand up, and you stand up in front of him. If

you are teaching a group of younger children, say six to ten years old, put on a

really silly, exaggerated look of menace. If the kids are older, a more realistic look

of violence will be OK.

Then, from six feet (two meters) away, throw an unfolded tissue right at the

child’s face. You will have to judge how hard and violently to throw it. In any case,

it won’t reach the kid but will flutter harmlessly to the floor.

Even though it is just a tissue and obviously harmless, almost always the

child will be startled and will flinch back. (Adults respond the same way.)

If the child is calm enough not to respond, crumple the tissue into a little ball,

and throw it again. This time it will go faster and hit harder—though in reality it is

still a trivial attack. Most likely, this time you will elicit a response. If the child is a

baseball player and used to having things coming at his face, even this may not get

a reaction. You will need to calibrate upwards, and the next exercise will show you

how to do that.

Assuming the child did react, ask him what he did physically when you

threw the tissue. He will probably not be able to give an answer. He may describe

mental/emotional responses such as surprise, but that doesn’t count as an answer to

the specific question you asked. You can make the question a bit more focused by

asking, “What did you do physically in your body? Did your breathing change? Did

you move at all when I threw the tissues at you?” That may elicit some answers.

Ask the other children watching the demonstration what they saw the child

do. The onlookers may see things that the subject of the experiment didn’t notice

about him/herself. That provides the opportunity to make the point that we don’t

always notice everything we do.

It also reinforces the idea of independent thinking. Just because the onlookers

said they saw something doesn’t mean the subject has to accept that. Were the on-

lookers right? Does the child who did the experiment know from his own experi-

ence and awareness that they were right?

It is important to test observations. You can throw tissues at the kid again,

and he can see for himself whether the onlookers were right or not.

It is especially important for you as the teacher not to simply say what you

saw him do (especially if you are teaching a single child in a private session). That

puts you in the position of being an authority about his body rather than empower-

ing him to notice and sense his own body for himself. If the child is not noticing

something that you believe you saw, you can ask pointed but general questions and

10

then throw the tissues again. You could ask, for example, “When I throw the tissues

at you again, can you tell what you do with your tummy? With your eyebrows?

With your shoulders?” And throw the tissues again with each question.

Almost always the child will have tensed his tummy, constricted his breath-

ing, hunched his shoulders, and moved away from you. It usually doesn’t take

much to help a child notice those physical details.

Now comes the process of helping the child find an antidote to that arousal

response. Explain and demonstrate that when people get angry, startled, afraid, or

confused, they usually get smaller in their bodies. They can get smaller by getting

hard and tight, by twisting themselves up and shrinking, or by getting too soft and

limp. So the first thing to do is to investigate how to get small.

Rather than try to go directly to what is right, it is most efficient to amplify

what is wrong. A child may not know how to do what is right, but she certainly

knows how to do what is wrong. Increasing that and learning to discern what she is

doing with which parts of her body is the first step in figuring out how to do the

opposite actions, which will be the right ones.

Ask all the children to stand up, and then instruct them to tighten their stom-

achs really tight and hard. Then ask them to let their stomachs get soft and plop

down loose. I call this relaxed state soft tummy. You could yourself demonstrate

that process of tightening and loosening first.

Then go back to working with the child you used for the demonstration.

Have him stand and focus on keeping his stomach soft and relaxed—even when

you throw tissues at him again. Have him and the onlookers watch for what he does

this time.

Most kids will find that they have no physical response to having the tissues

thrown at them this time. Or at least it will be a greatly lessened response. They

will not be disturbed by the attack. They will be able to stay relaxed and alert.

Make the point to the class that the ability to stay relaxed and alert when

something or someone is giving you trouble is the foundation for being able to

handle the trouble. (Just to be perfectly clear, I am not recommending that when

some dangerous object is actually thrown at your face you stand calmly with no re-

sponse. The tissue throwing exercise is solely for the purpose of teaching people to

decrease fight-flight-freeze arousal.)

Next, instruct the kids to pair up, grab some tissues, and try the exercise with

their partner. Make sure the exercise is broken down into clear chunks. First have

the children experience the throwing without doing anything special to cope with it.

Then gather everyone together in the large group to discuss what their responses

were.

Next have all the kids practice Soft Tummy.

11

Then have them go back to their partners, and try having the tissues thrown

at them again while they keep their tummies soft. And last, ask the group to gather

for a discussion of what it was like that time.

Some clear guide-

lines are important. Start

the exercise by having

everybody ask their part-

ner if they are OK with

doing it. If someone

doesn’t want to do it,

congratulate them on be-

ing smart enough to

know their limits. Make

it clear that people are to

be respected for being

self-aware enough to

know something isn’t

right for them.

It will only rarely

happen that someone is

too anxious to try. If that

happens, suggest that

their partner could stand

back farther or even

throw the tissues in the

wrong direction alto-

gether. That kind of

thing usually takes the

sting out of the attack.

Very rarely will kids

simply be lazy and

choose not to try the ex-

ercise.

Have everybody

stay at least six feet

away from their partner. No physical contact between people!

Have the children pick one partner in each pair to do the throwing. Explain to

the class that the child throwing the tissues will have one minute to throw the tis-

sues, and then tell them when to start throwing. When the minute is up stop the

group. Tell the second child to throw tissues at the first child, and give them a min-

ute to do so.

Calm response

Tense response

12

Encourage everyone in the group discussions to share what they did physi-

cally and what they felt as they did it. Remind them that unique responses aren’t

wrong, just different.

My experience is that almost all children will realize very rapidly that when

they released their tummies they reduced their tension responses to being attacked.

End the exercise by telling the kids that the future exercises will build on this one

and show them how to keep their cool in various situations.

SUMMARY OF EMBODIED PEACEMAKING!

A Handout

This page summarizes the exercises in Paul Linden’s e-book!! Teaching Chil-

dren Embodied Peacemaking: Body Awareness, Self-Regulation and Conflict Reso-

lution. If you are a young person and have been taken through the exercises,

congratulations on completing them. Now you have to remember to use what you

have learned.

If you are a parent whose children have been taught embodied peacemaking by

a teacher, or a teacher with students who have been taught by their parents, this

summary will help you understand and reinforce what your kids have learned. The

words in italics are the keywords used in the teaching to summarize the ideas and

experiences in embodied peacemaking. You can use the keywords to briefly remind

your kids to remember and use what they’ve learned.

Fear and anger make you small. That could be tight and hard in your body, or

it could be limp and weak, but in any case, being small doesn’t work well. If you are

scared or angry, you won’t be able to think or talk or move effectively to resolve the

conflict. If you are scared or angry, it will show, and that will make the other person

scared or angry also. In order to do anything effective to handle a conflict, you have

to be relaxed alert, and strong.

To relax, let your belly get soft and open up. Breathe low down in your belly.

When you inhale, make sure your tummy gets bigger. Remember to use Soft Tummy

Breathing. This is the simplest, most effective single thing you can do.

Relaxation means soft strength. Remember to use Vertical Posture when you

sit or stand.

Strength means kindness. Remember to use Smiling Heart.

Confidence means being expansive. Remember to Reach Out in all directions.

Being sensitive to the person you are in conflict with helps you keep focus and

communicate clearly with them. Remember to reach out and Notice the Person.

Yielding to power is a good way of controlling power. Remember not to waste

energy getting stubborn and resisting.

Relaxing and breathing improves your concentration. You can use it to help in

paying attention in class, in doing your homework, in your piano lessons, or in your

soccer practice. You can use it anywhere.

There are so many times you could use your soft, strong body to avoid getting

into fights: with your bother or sister, with your parents, with your friends, with peo-

ple in your school, and with complete strangers.

! Copyright © 2006 by Paul Linden. This summary page is copyrighted by Paul

Linden; however, it may be freely reproduced and distributed as long as the complete page is copied. !! Purchasable at www.being-in-movement.com

BIOGRAPHY OF THE AUTHOR

PAUL LINDEN is a somatic educator and martial artist, founder of the Columbus

Center for Movement Studies, and the developer of Being In Movement® mindbody

training. He holds a B.A. in Philosophy and a Ph.D. in Physical Education, is an

authorized instructor of the Feldenkrais Method® of somatic education, and holds a

sixth degree black belt in Aikido as well as a first degree black belt in Karate. His

work involves the application of body and movement awareness education to such

topics as stress management, conflict resolution, performance improvement, and

trauma recovery. In addition to this book, he has also written Comfort at Your Com-

puter: Body Awareness Training for Pain-Free Computer Use; Winning is Healing:

Body Awareness and Empowerment for Abuse Survivors; and Feeling Aikido: Body

Awareness Training as a Foundation for Aikido Practice.

A

Abuse, 66 Aikido, 4 Alienation, 68 Anger, 5, 29 Asperger’s Syndrome, 65 Attention. See also Awareness Attention, 32, 36, 41, 46, 64 Attention Deficit Disorder, 65 Awareness, 36. See also Attention

B

Being In Movement® training, 5 Belly, 10 Belly breathing. See Soft Tummy Breathing Body awareness, 4, 9, 45 Body work, 5 Body, in peacemaking, 1 Book, 5, 19, 1 Breathing, 24

anatomy, 12 exercise, 13, 15

C

Calibration. See also Pacing Calibration, 8, 56 Centering, 3, 68 Challenge/response model, 4, 53 Choice, 36 Communication, 56 Computer ergonomics, 61 Conflict resolution. See also Peacemaking Conflict resolution, nature of, 1 Conflict, nature of, 1, 13 Contraction, 2, 10 Culture, 13, 18, 36

D

Dance, 63 Dental procedures, 65 Diaphragm, 12 Dissociation, 3 Distress response, 2

E

Effectiveness, 36 Effort, 2 Embodied peacemaking, 57 Emotions, 45, 46, 56 Empathy, 3, 43, 45, 56. See also Sensitivity Empowerment, 18 English, 36 Expansiveness, 3, 38, 41

F

Fear, 5 Fear/startle response, 13, 18 Feedback loop, 1, 45 Feelings. See Emotions Fight-or-flight, 1. See also Fear/startle Fitness, 60

G

Going along with. See also Yielding Going along with, 5

H

Harmony, 5. See also Yielding Heart, 29 Hip, 19

I

Independent thinking, 6, 9 Intention, 40. See also Lines, Volumes

K

Keywords, 7, 17, 30, 38, 43 Kindness, 1, 29, 30

L

Language, 36 Lines of intention, 40

M

Medical procedures, 65 Mirroring emotions, 45, 56 Mistakes, amplifying, 10 Music, 63

N

Non-opposition, 56 Non-verbal signals, 1

O

Opposition. See also Resistance Opposition, 47, 48, 56 Outcome, 57 Overview, 2, 5, 67

P

Pacing. See also Calibration

Pacing, 6, 8 Peacemaking. See also Conflict resolution Pelvis, 19, 23

rotation, 19 Posture, 18, 41 Process, 57

R

Reaching out, 36, 37 Relaxation, 14, 18, 19 Resistance. See also Opposition Resistance, 31

S

Safety Contract, 8 Self, 40 Self-awareness, 6, 36 Self-calming, 22 Self-remembering, 36 Sensitivity, 3, 43 Shock, 3 Sitting, 18, 19 Soft Tummy Breathing, 13, 15 Spaciousness. See Expansiveness Speaking, 41 Spinal Column, 19 Sports, 60 Standing, 23 Stepwise instruction, 7

Straight, 18, 19 Studying, 64 Summary, 67

T

Teaching, 2, 5, 6, 8, 10, 56 Test taking, 64 Thinking, 3 Trauma, 66

V

Verbal peacemaking, 1, 57 Verticality, 19. See also Posture Vicious circle. See Feedback loop Violence, 13, 68 Voice, 41 Volumes of intention, 40

W

Walking, 23, 27

Y

Yielding. See also Harmony Yielding, 47, 48, 56