TECHNICAL WRITINGDecember 12th , 2012

Today• Wordiness

• Writing practice

Wordiness (again).• The reason we are doing this one more time again is

because of the fact that wordiness has a tendency to sometimes be a problem.

WordinessConciseness is important in both academic and business writing.

- Concise writing expresses ideas without unnecessary wordiness.

Wordiness:

- Increases the length of your work without adding meaning.

- Makes writing harder to understand.

WordinessExample 1:

The reason why Tom came to Douglas College was because it was inexpensive in price.

2 issues:

1. The words ‘reason’, ‘why’, and ‘because’ all express the same idea.

2. Saying something is inexpensive includes the idea of price.

WordinessExample 1:

The reason why Tom came to Douglas College was because it was inexpensive in price.

Concisely:

Tom came to Douglas College because it was inexpensive.

WordinessExample 2:

Despite the fact that she was feeling ill, Ann came to the conclusion that she would go to work.

2 issues:

1. ‘Despite the fact that’ is really just a long way of saying ‘despite’.

2. ‘Came to the conclusion that’ is a long way of saying ‘decided’.

WordinessExample 2:

Despite the fact that she was feeling ill, Ann came to the conclusion that she would go to work.

Concisely

Despite feeling ill, Ann decided to go to work.

WordinessIn my opinion, I think the study of Sociology is very fascinating.

- This sentence can be cut down to three words:

Sociology is fascinating.

WordinessIn my opinion, I think the study of Sociology is very fascinating.

Sociology is fascinating.

- In my opinion and I think just repeat the same idea.

- Fascinating is clearly a judgment, so there is no need to include either I think or In my opinion.

- Sociology includes the idea of studying it, so the study of is redundant.

- Fascinating can be defined as very interesting, so adding very is unnecessary.

1. The stegosaurus was huge in size. - The stegosaurus was huge.

2. Now she is at school. • - She is at school.

3. He was happy and joyful about the great gift. • - He was happy about the gift.

4. Because of the fact that he got a good grade on the midterm, he decided to take the night off. • - Because he got a good grade on the midterm, he took the night off.

5. In the summer season, many Vancouverites like to picnic in Stanley Park. • - In the summer, many Vancouverites like to picnic in Stanley Park.

6. On January 14, in the middle of winter, the weather was freezing cold. • - On January 14, the weather was freezing.

7. I think smoking in public places should be banned. • - Smoking in public should be banned.

8. In order to get the true facts of the case, the lawyer interviewed 4 witnesses. • - To get the facts, the lawyer interviewed 4 witnesses.

9. Furthermore, Henry VIII also married six different women. • - Henry VIII also married six women.

10. Redundancy is defined as unnecessary repetition. • - Redundancy is unnecessary repetition.

11. New Westminster, which was British Columbia’s first capital city, is located on the shores of the Fraser River. • - New Westminster, British Columbia’s first capital city, is located along the Fraser

River.

12. The computer is sitting on top of the table. • - The computer is on the table.

Causes of WordinessW = wordy C = concise

Use of vague words which need explanation instead of precise words.

W: She talked to him in a loud angry voice. C: She yelled at him.

W: The crime wave had some bad results that cost people a lot of money. C: The crime wave had some costly results.

Causes of WordinessUse of long expressions instead of individual words

W: to come to the conclusion that C: to decide

W: to put forward the idea that C: to suggest

Causes of WordinessUnder-use of listing

W: She went to the store and bought a loaf of bread. She also picked up some milk. She also got a newspaper.

C: She bought a loaf of bread, some milk and a newspaper at the store.

W: In the experiment, he poured water in a beaker. Then he boiled the water for 5 minutes. Then he measured the water that was left.

C: In the experiment, he poured water in a beaker, boiled the water for 5 minutes, and measured the water that was left.

Causes of WordinessOver-use of “it” and “there” as meaningless subjects W: It was exciting to go to the New Year celebrations. C: The New Year celebrations were exciting.

W: There were thirty-four people in the room who were waiting for the mayor.

C: Thirty-four people in the room were waiting for the mayor.

Causes of WordinessOver-use of passive verbs

W: The criminal was caught by the police, and later the

criminal was convicted by the courts.

C: The police caught the criminal and the court convicted him.

passive

passive

active active

Causes of WordinessOver-use of clauses

W: After she had baked the bread, she cleaned up the kitchen.

C: After baking the bread, she cleaned up the kitchen.

W: McKenzie, who was the first person to cross Canada by land, ended his trip in Bella Coola, B.C.

C: McKenzie, the first person to cross Canada by land, ended his trip in Bella Coola, B.C.

W: The girl who was talented gave a concert.

C: The talented girl gave a concert.

clause

phrase

clause

phrase

clause

word

Side note: Clause vs. PhraseA clause = a group of related words that has both a subject and a verb (similar to a sentence).

Independent clause: Presents a complete idea and can stand alone as a sentence.

i.e., We will go to the cinema. Dependent clause: not a complete idea (only part of a sentence; it depends on the rest of the sentence).

i.e., After Ralph finishes work, we will go to the cinema.

Side note: Clause vs. PhrasePhrase = a group of words that lacks either a subject or a matching verb or both.

Can never be a complete sentence.

i.e.,

Prepositional phrase: On the football field,

Adjective phrase: Alert and focused,

Noun phrase: the dog on the sofa

Adverb phrase: quickly and efficiently

More Tips for Correcting Wordiness1. Eliminate unneeded or empty words, phrases, or clauses that add nothing to meaning.

i.e.,

WORDY:

To increase its productivity and efficiency, Flying Ventures should implement some sort of strategic plan.

CONCISE:

To increase its productivity and efficiency, Flying Ventures should implement a strategic plan.

More Tips for Correcting Wordiness2. Edit introductory, explanatory, or long phrases or clauses.

i.e.,

WORDY:

As you can see in Figure 2, the contribution margins after tax are higher for the expanded operation than for the current operation.

CONCISE:

The contribution margins after tax are higher for the expanded operation than for the current operation (see Figure 2).

More Tips for Correcting Wordiness3. Cut long sentences in two when they become confusing.

i.e.,

WORDY:

I suggest the company do further statistical analyses and gather more objective data to back up the subjective factors under consideration before it creates the more specific normalized portfolio, which has historically outperformed its current normalized portfolio.

CONCISE:

Before it creates a more specific normalized portfolio, the company should perform further statistical analyses and gather more objective data to back up the subjective factors. Historical data shows that the more specific normalized portfolio generally outperforms the current normalized portfolio.

More Tips for Correcting Wordiness4. Watch for redundant information. Delete repeated words, substitute with pronouns, or rephrase sentences.

i.e.,

WORDY:

We suggest that the company characterize the firm’s normalized portfolio using duration. We also feel that the company will also benefit if it characterizes the firm’s normalized portfolio using convexity as well.

CONCISE:

The company will benefit from using convexity as well as duration to characterize its normalized portfolio.

More Tips for Correcting Wordiness5. Avoid “digressions”. These add nothing to meaning.

i.e.,

WORDY:

To reach our whole audience this fine day, we have put the pieces together to devise a comprehensive marketing strategy.

CONCISE:

To reach our whole audience, we have devised a comprehensive marketing strategy.

More Tips for Correcting Wordiness6. Avoid weak verbs (have, make, get, do); use strong, active verbs.

offer a suggestion CHANGE TO suggest.

i.e.,

WORDY:

We make the recommendation that North American Mining Corp. Should use diversified portfolios to moderate its risk against gold price fluctuations.

CONCISE:

We recommend that North American Mining Corp. Should use diversified portfolios to moderate its risk against gold price fluctuations.

ReminderAssignment 8 draft due tomorrow.