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Tempering Times

I dont know what possessed me to answer the way I did because it certainly wasnt what I

thought Id say if ever asked. Whilst the question was one which Id rehearsed the answer to

for virtually all of my 23 years every girl does and Angelo was probably the nicest man Idever met, the answer was not the one I should have given. There was just something wrong

about the way hed asked it.

Why? I said with an apparently blank face so his friends told me later. Angelos mouth

dropped immediately. There was a moment of his own blank expression before he broke it

into a weak smile.

Because I love you?

That was it, he couldnt have meant what hed just said. He only asked the question because

wed just made love and he, like all men, never knew what to say at that time. Besides, four

years of seeing me was long enough and he probably ought to be moving things along

wasnt that the way it worked? I wasnt ready. Id never been ready. I realised at that moment

that all the dreaming of special days and mothers hats had been just a fairy story toconvince girls that they were meant to be for one person. Crap! Getting daughters married

was a mothers way of proving theyd done their job properly. The suddenness of my decision

- brought about by the hapless Angelos inappropriately timed question even shocked me

slightly; but then such moments of intense pleasure cannot be interrupted by questions of

such mundane social importance.

That was twenty years ago. Ive never regretted the answer I gave to Angelo. We didnt last

very long after that proof enough that there was no longevity in whatever it was we thought

that we had. Besides, he subsequently married some other girl within two years and they

divorced four years later. He was ready for all of it.

No, the path of unreserved impurity (well, as my Mother put it so poetically once) that I

resolved to follow from that fateful day has just now started to vindicate itself although

there were a few moments when I thought I might have got it wrong. The life of the singleton

woman in the early part of the twenty-first century has been a good one for me. A good

education (Thanks Dad) meant a good job, good money, and plenty of freedom. No particular

man meant sex without boredom (and when I wanted it!), no children (they really just mess

everything up) and no jointly owned assets (surely the reason why lawyers have so much fun

when it all goes wrong!). I own my own property, I go on holiday when I like and with whom.

So can anyone tell me what can be wrong with this life of mine? Doesnt it tick all the

boxes? No one told nature that giving something back was the path to happiness. It was the

invention of the weak to protect themselves (women have always been clever, see, but nowweve been allowed to move on). It was freedom I wanted and freedom that I have. The

millstone that is a man (they are just so uncomplicated), would never have allowed me the

freedom Ive enjoyed.

The moments of thinking I might have got it wrong were only ever associated with comments

from other women oddly enough, men always say that they think I chose the right path (I

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guess its the one that most of them would have wanted for themselves had they not been

brainwashed into thinking that children were a good idea and, surprise, surprise, the true

fulfilment of a loving relationship). It could also be that some men would agree with my

choice because it might signal their own availability not necessary because I always

decided who was available. The comment that hurt most, though, was that I was lettingwomen down; a hundred years of female emancipation should have meant that women

should be able to have children, have careers and be equal. What did I think I was doing by

giving men what they really wanted? a woman without any commitment requirements!

You might well ask why I am reporting the success of my decided path when Im only

apparently halfway through my allotted time on the planet; everything could still turn sour

when men no-longer find me attractive and I struggle to retain my laissez faire attitude to sex

apparently womens sexual requirements change as time goes on. What if I hit the glass

ceiling? Firstly, men will always find some women attractive and if things get that tough then

Ill pay for it, and secondly, sex, whilst having the potential to be pretty dam good, isnt

everything. Finally I dont want to rule the world, which makes it unlikely that Ill ever ascendto the heights required to be thwarted by a man most men say the same thing once theyre

old enough to have worked out their limitations anyway. So why now? Well, recently, sitting

alone at home has proved to be harder than usual. I suddenly seem to have nothing else to do

but think about what has happened.

No, it didnt all go wrong in any of the ways I mentioned earlier sorry girls. But had I not

said no all those years ago, then I guess it wouldnt have happened. If youre reading this

without knowing me or what I was involved in then you probably wont have heard of David

Mauger. Well, three weeks ago, I hadnt. It was just a date. He was a friend of a friend that I

met when out to dinner a while back. He seemed OK. Good looking, about my age. It didnt

take me long to find his number and facebook details. It didnt take me long to get him to askme out. Well why not? It was a good dinner; the Oxo Tower on the Southbank. I wouldnt let

him pay but I did let him take me back to his flat in the Barbican. We were only doing

something we both wanted to do. It could have happened any time. There was only one thing

I didnt like about him; the way he asked me to go away with him that weekend - because it

didnt sound like he really wanted me to go. He didnt sound like he meant it. And anyway, he

ust shouldnt have asked me at that time.

Whilst his request came very much as Angelos had; immediately after that moment of

subliminal pleasing when men seem always to do one of three things go to sleep, get up or

say something totally stupid for some reason it didnt make me as angry as it usually did.

On hearing him talk at such an inopportune time I felt the same instant hostility that I usuallydid at such a juncture, but it was immediately followed by an inability to fire back a why?.

Whilst there was no way I was going to say yes, I was stuck.

And Im still stuck. Thats was two weeks ago. Ive seen David four more times since that

night. Hes great. But being great hasnt changed anything before. Ive dated plenty of men

for months (one lasted two years), and lots of them were great. But I was always in control;

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I was always enjoying the moment. Suddenly Im not in control. David decides where were

going and who we see. He tells me what to wear! No one has ever insisted on me wearing

that little blue skirt which shows off your legs and got away with it. I decide what I wear!

So Im writing this after four weeks of having known a man because I suddenly think that Imay have to give up my lifelong obsession with freedom and independence. Do I really think

this? Is falling for someone about giving yourself up? To them? Is he just the man that Ive

never met who would always have done this to me would I have ended up married to Angelo

if hed been like David? Do I only feel the way I do because a woman cannot keep up a life

like mine forever and nature has finally decided that my time is up? So many questions

Can anyone help?

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