temporary care foster parents: motives and issues of separation and loss

Child and Adolescent Social Work Volume 4, Numbers 3 & 4, Fall/Winter 1987

Temporary Care Foster Parents: Motives and Issues of Separation and Loss

Margaret Burke, M.S.W. and Tuesday A. Dawson, A.M.

A B S T R A C T : Temporary care foster parents, tha t is, foster parents who specialize in the care of infants, provide an invaluable service to child welfare agencies. They are a un ique group among foster parents, and it is impor tant to unders tand what motivates them to care exclusively for infants. In in fan t care, separat ion and loss experiences are repeated more often than in any other kind of foster care. The article identifies five motives most often seen in temporary care foster parents and explores as well the impact of repeated separation and loss on the foster family. Implications for practice are suggested.

As professionals who have worked with various kinds of foster parents over an extended period of time, we have become aware of some very distinct characteristics among a group of foster parents, known as pre- adoptive, or temporary care, foster parents. These are foster families who care for new-born infants on a short-term basis, until they can be placed with adoptive families or be returned to their birth families. They specialize in the care of infants. Children are usually placed with them at four or five days of age. Some stay a few days and some stay as long as two years, due to medical or legal problems. These foster parents may care for five to eight infants a year. They are caring for children during a heal thy symbiotic period (Mahler, Pine & Bergman, 1975). There is rapid a t tachment by the foster parents to a totally dependent child. Repeated at tachement and separation puts these care- takers in a unique situation. The foster mother is asked, again and again, to "mother" the baby and then let the baby go. Kline and Over-

Ms. Burke is supervisor Foster Care/Adoption of the Children's Home and Aid Society of Illinois. Ms. Dawson is a caseworker in foster care/adoption of the same agency. Ad- dress correspondence and requests for reprints to Ms. Burke Children's Home and Aid Society of Illinois 1122 North Dearborn Street, Chicago, Illinois 60610.

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street (1972 p. 226) state: "The developmental stage to which the mother and other family members must respond is limited to the early stage of infancy and the type of care required by infants, the experience of repeatedly receiving infants and separating from them become major factors that influence family equilibrium."

What motivates these families to become foster parents, and how they deal with continuous separation and loss, have some specific implications for practice. While foster care, per se, goes back to biblical times, (Holy Bible, 1952) foster care of newborn infants is a recent de- velopment. In the past, newborn infants were frequently cared for in a group setting, such as a maternity home nursery, until adoptive placement or return to birth mother. Though, at the present time group care is uncommon, in some parts of the country, and at some agencies, it still occurs. At Children's Home and Aid Society of Illinois, where we practice, newborn infants have always been cared for by foster families. Until the mid-1940s, however, they were often cared for in group family care. Three or four infants were assigned to a family. Based on knowledge gained from the Hampstead Nursery Studies, (A. Freud, 1973), a decision was made that a family should care for a single infant at a given time.

Motivations

There are many reasons why this specialized group of foster parents chooses to board only infants. These motives include the dynamics in the marital relationship, the total dependency of infants, the conscious or unconscious desire to rework their experience in parenting their own children, the continuing integrations of the loss of not being able to bear a child, the particular life cycle stage of the family, and the need to "give back" to society in general. Although many other motives may operate, those listed capture major dynamics observed in families wishing to become temporary foster care parents.

Marital Dynamics

The dynamics of the marital relationship are a major motivating factor in temporary infant foster care. Many foster parents married young and had their first child very early in the marriage. Often, these families saw marriage as synonymous with parenthood~ Their experiences as husband and wife revolve around parenting. As their children leave

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home, the familiar roles of husband and wife, and their patterns of communication, are disrupted because there is no child in the home. The parents need to find a way to restore the former equilibrium. Since their experience as husband and wife revolved around parenting, they choose to repeat the experience over and over either because it was a pleasurable time in their lives or because they are not able to relate to each other in any other way.

Another mari tal factor is tha t the fathers are usually not as involved in the routine care of infants. It is the mother's role and responsibility. Mr. & Mrs. A. were recently honored at the agency's annual meeting for twenty years of service to over 100 infants. Mr. A. said, "This is my wife's project. I 'm supportive of her, but it is her project." In this type of foster care, it is usually the "mother's project."

Often, we see families where the husband is out of the home a great deal, and the infant fills the mother's time. The foster mother may operate to mainta in this arrangement by doing her best to make sure an infant is always in the home, therefore maintaining dad's role as the provider and mother's role as the competent care giver.

Infant Dependency Some foster mothers receive gratification from parenting infants because infants are totally dependent on them for care. The foster mother may enjoy parenting the totally dependent infant because her husband and/or children no longer require her motherly attention and direc- tion. The responsibility for care and the knowledge that no one else in the household can perform the tasks so well as she, may give the foster mother a sense of control, worth, and importance.

While caring for an infant, the foster mother has less f lexibil i ty-- she is home-bound. Her way of life does not change; the routine remains the same. The foster mother is able to mainta in the routine as long as an infant is in the home. Fanshel (1961) states tha t foster parents who care for young children and handicapped children are re- sponding to the dependency needs of the young. Those who care for aggressive and older children respond to the social needs in the young- ster. Some seek 'private gratification' while others seek "social gratification."

Repetition The foster mother may also parent an infant in order to repeat a stage in her life tha t was most p leasurable--car ing for her own children

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when they were infants. Some families are less than pleased with their adult children. They feel inadequate parenting older children because they were unsuccessful at parenting their own children past infancy. Often this was because they infantilized their children and couldn't help them to become responsible, independent people. Others are at- tempting to resolve a rejection from their own child. Therefore, praise, feedback and follow-up reports on the foster child who has left become important to the foster parents.

Repairing Past Losses

A significant number of temporary care parents are adoptive parents. They have adopted children because of an infertility problem. Even though their children were placed as infants, many of them never experienced the parenting of a newborn infant. Their children were weeks or months old at the time of placement. Therefore, they come to temporary care to have this experience. The loss of not being able to give birth to a child is a lifelong loss. Like other losses, it is never fully resolved. Caring for infants enables the foster parents to experience the miracle and the newness of life over an over again in a vicarious way. For a woman, it enables her to prove to herself and to the world that "I can be a good mother, even if I can't give birth." Foster parenting provides a way to separate being a biological parent from being a nurturing, caring parent, and thus improves their self-esteem.

For temporary care mothers who have biological children, but are now beyond the child-rearing years, it is a way to deal with the loss of not being fertile any more. For women whose self-worth was measured in terms of their fertility, there is a need to maintain this function in some way. Foster parenting is a way to keep from feeling unproductive or old. Foster mothers often derive great satisfaction in telling about a s t ranger mis takenly thinking the foster child is their child. It is an af- firmation that they don't look too old to produce a child. It is still pre- tending, at times, that they are young enough to give birth.

Life Stage Factors

Another motive for becoming foster parents is revealed by exploring the dynamics of the family and evaluating the life cycle stages of each member, especially the mother, and the constellation changes that are occurring. A woman may apply to become a foster parent for infants at a time when her children are becoming less dependent or are no longer dependent on her. For example, the desire may arise when her young-


est child starts school, a child leaves for college, a child gets married, or a child moves to his/her own apartment. She may apply at the time her grandchildren are born, as a form of competition with her children. She wants to insure tha t she won't be left out as a potential parent or mother figure. She may apply during a time when her marriage is not very gratifying. She is expressing her need to love and be loved. The security of knowing tha t she is always needed by the infant may do more than fulfill a maternal instinct. It may be indicative of a lack of security in adult relationships.

Giving Back

Another motive is the need to "give back." Fanshell, (1961, p. 18) in his study, found tha t "Knowing I am doing something useful for the com- muni ty" was the seventh reason, out of sixteen reasons, given by those caring for infants. Mrs. Q., who lost her family during the Second World War, needs to do "something good" because she survived. She needs to pay for her survival. Yet, she suffers great pain each time a child leaves. The E's adopted two children as infants and want to give to other children as someone gave to their own children. The F's are wealthy, feel blessed, and want to share out of guilt or gratitude or both. The K's are active in their religious community. They feel a need to heed the exhortation, " . . . as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me (Matthew 25:40)."

The foster parents express very basic beliefs tha t what they have should be shared. Whether it is based on a belief expressed in the Bible or in the Talmud, most of the temporary care families need and want to do something outside themselves. To exercise this belief through fos- tering infants gains wide support and acceptance in one's family and the larger community. Everyone knows tha t a helpless newborn needs care and protection. Neighbors and grandparents may begin protest- ing i f a family wants to take a troubled teen-ager into their home. Very little support, encouragement or praise is offered in this situation. These are parents who invest a great deal in children they will never see grow up. They receive their satisfaction from knowing they have given children a good beginning in life.

Temporary care families are good at what they do. No other group of foster parents has such a wide experience in repeatedly caring for the same age child in such large numbers. The children receive excellent care. The foster parents often see problems before the pediatrician, nurse or social worker do and are usually correct. These parents are

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experts in knowing and understanding the developmental stages of infancy. They provide excellent st imulation to the infants in their care. Some of the issues, characteristic of this group of foster parents, such as the fantasy that the child is theirs, the constant need to parent an infant, to use foster care to keep the family system stable, to work out infertility issues, and to help one through a particular life stage are not pathological. Though many of the motives could be a cause for con- cern if they were parenting an older child, they may not interfere in parenting an infant on a temporary basis. Foster parenting may be considered a heal thy way to work on some of these issues. Recognizing and understanding the mult i layered conscious and unconscious motives of temporary care foster parents is an integral part of the social workers' activities with the parents. All of the motives contain a useful and heal thy component. It is important that the worker is actively working with the family in maintaining their awareness of how these issues impact on their foster parenting.

Separation and Loss

In infant care, separation and loss experiences are repeated more than in any other kind of foster care. It is important in working with a foster parent to understand the separation and loss events in their lives: the loss of a parent, a child, a sibling, a good friend, a job, or a divorce. Be- cause of the repeated separation and loss, workers with this type of case load need to spend a lot of time with the families around grieving. There is no way to set a time table for grieving. It varies from parent to parent. The intensity and duration of grief depends on such factors as the age of the child, the length of stay, the personality of the foster parent, and responsiveness of the child. Grief ordinarily needs to be shared with another person. We have found that the support of other foster parents is the most helpful mechanism for grieving.

Successful grief work involves integrating the loss into one's life structure. Susan Edelstein (1981) identifies four reasons why people find it difficult to grieve: ambivalent relationship with the lost person, the demanding role which doesn't permit t ime for grief, the social expectations that don't allow grief, and individual personalities. Whether foster parents have been parenting infants for two or twenty years, the pain of separation, the elusive unfinished feeling of loss still remains. Foster parents are expected to mother the infant and then graciously give the child to another set of parents. They are expected to


attach to the child and make a clean break at the time of placement. They are aware of their role as temporary foster parents. Feedback on the progress of the child, after leaving their home, is often not avail- able. Therefore, it is gratifying when they receive a Christmas card or school picture from a former foster child.

Some deal with the repeated losses by reaffirming their belief that at least this child had three or four months of good care and had an excellent beginning. This is their contribution to the children, the future. Others receive personal gratification by being recognized socially as a mother of many infants. Their gratification can be primarily for self by fantasizing that, while the infant is placed with them, he is theirs. As Fanshel (1961, p. 20) has said: "Infants go into placement without any substantial prior ties to other maternal figures. In a sense the foster mother of infants can indulge in the fantasy that the foster child is 'all mine.' Such possessiveness is more difficult with the older child who comes into placement with prior involvements and loyalties to the parent figures." The worker must help families grieve and be comfortable with the grieving process. For some families, the loss is so painful that they insist on having another baby immediately. They DEMAND another child and refuse to allow time for grief. This becomes a practice problem. Because the need for homes is so great, we place another child immediately. Thus, grieving is short-circuited.

The equilibrium of the family is disrupted when an infant leaves. Hammell (1963, p. 128) states.. "Trouble is felt by foster mothers in the experience of giving up the child. Supervision by the case worker cannot remove the loss and pain in this experience for the foster mother, but it can help by protecting the child from the full brunt of its expres- sion." Placement day evokes the extremes of emotions. In the eyes of the adoptive parents and biological parents, the foster parents repre- sent the child's past. In order to avoid acknowledgement of the child's past situation, they may exclude, avoid, ignore the foster parents and their place in and contribution to the child's life. "This can only in- crease the foster parents ' pain at a time when they are most vulnera- ble, and make them wonder . . . about the value of their work . . ." (Edelstein, 1981, p. 469)

C o n c l u s i o n s

It is important that foster parents feel important and appreciated. Some foster mothers' entire lives revolve around the care of infants.

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The agency is dependent upon the foster parents and makes great de- mands of them. They need to be able to respond quickly to agency needs and usually receive 24 hours notice or less. They make many trips to the agency, hospitals, and court rooms. Their family routine re- volves around the needs of the children and the agency.

The foster mother's increased self-esteem and knowledge of her worth, because of her contribution to the infants, is important, not only because she is an individual, but also because she performs a very special task. A foster mother's sense of control, worthiness and importance, however, may become exaggerated. This is characterized by foster mothers who manipulate their families and social workers when there is not an infant in the home. They may become irritable, anxious and demanding. They may focus on the absence of an infant, instead of the opportunity to spend more time with their husband or children.

The pain and difficulty these foster parents experience, when giving up an infant, cannot be diminished. The social worker, however, must be aware of the possible manipulation by foster parents for an ill-timed placement out of their need to have an infant in their care. In addition to helping families through the grieving process, social workers must be sensitive to the timing of new placements. Several supportive and educational services need to be provided to foster parents. These include: phone calls, availability of staff, home visits, in-service training, follow-up and feedback on progress of infants, pre-placement visits and post-placement visits for infants placed after six months of age, and special recognition in newsletters, newspapers and meetings. Place- ment day routines and rituals that allow the foster family to share their experience with the infant with his/her parents, to answer any questions from the excited parents, and to say "good-by," are also helpful. Foster parents are special people! We don't want to lose them as victims of "burn out."

References

Edelstein, S. (1981). When Foster children leave: Helping foster parents to grieve. Child Welfare, 60: 469-471.

Fanshel, D. (1961). Specialization within the Foster Parent Role: A Research Report. Child Welfare 41: 17-21.

Freud, A. (1973). Infants Without Families. New York. International Universities Press. Hammel, C. (1963). Helping Children Move Into Adoptive Homes. In E. Smith (Ed.)

Readings in Adoption. New York: Philosophical Library. Holy Bible. Revised Standard Version. (1952). New York: Thomas Nelson and Sons.


Kline, D. and Overstreet, A. (1972). Foster care of children: Nurture and treatment. New York: Columbia University Press.

Mahler, M.S., Pine, F., & Bergman, A. (1975). The Psychological birth of the human infant. New York: Basic Books.

temporary care foster parents: motives and issues of separation and loss

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