thank god i had an eating disorder by paula d atkinson

8/14/2019 Thank God I Had an Eating Disorder by Paula D Atkinson

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Thank God I Had an Eating Disorder

By: PAULA D. ATKINSON

Presented By: Jeff Sohler

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INTRODUCTION

by John Castagnini

IMPORTANT...Please Do Not Skip This Section!

Why this ebook? What makes it so different? Not onlyare these answers important, they are integral to yourunderstanding of the story presented here. Please donot skip over this brief introduction in your eagernessto get to the meat of the ebook itself.

When I first thought to include Thank God I WasRaped as one of the stories for Thank God I...™ Volume1, the concept sent chills through my spine. Couldanyone who’s endured this brutal, horrifying experiencereally embrace these words? Over the years, I’veconsulted with countless women during their raperecovery. I chose the title after witnessing whattranspires for them when they come to this conclusionof gratitude. What became quite apparent over acourse of thousands upon thousands of conversationsis that we only evolve past the mental traum a fromsuch a happening when we can hold “the love for it in

our hearts”




What is meant by “God”?

God — Certainly, the biggest three-letter word evercreated. Grand Organized Designer best describes theGod referred to in the Thank God I...™ books, websiteeducational material and seminars.

The thousands of people sharing their stories in thisseries all perceive God in their own light. Thank GodI...™ is about this network of people, willing to movebeyond having the right “name” for God.

Even the word “God” itself cannot finite the infinite.

Rather, God refers to a system governing the brillianceof what is, and is not.

What this book series is not supposed to be.

This series does not condone or promote any of the

acts the writers have experienced, nor do we suggestin any way that anyone should either commit any ofthese acts or subject themselves to any of these acts.This series also does not promote or label any specifickind of behavior as “right” or “wrong”, nor were the storieswritten or the book published for the purpose of

suggesting that anyone rationalize their actions orbehavior.




In addition, the Thank God I...™ series does not promoteor deny any religion. Rather, it honors the existence ofreligion and all things as part of a perfect creation.

What is Thank God I...™ about?

Our intention with this series is to convey this one keyprinciple: Perfection permeates everything. Each time

we fail to recognize this principle, the next lesson tocome our way will once again offer us the opportunityto see the perfection and break through into freedom.In fact, finding perfection in the pain and pleasure ofour own personal tribulations is the only way we willever liberate ourselves from the bondage of patterns.

Whether it comes in a day, a year, or a lifetime away,situations will come into our lives that will force us tobecome thankful for “what was,” and to whole-heartedlyexperience “what is.”

What is meant by “Thanking God”?

During the creation phase of this series, we werefortunate to have as our ever-efficient assistant,Cassandra Gatzow, a beautiful twenty-three-year-oldwriter and poet. Just prior to coming to work with us,Cassandra was diagnosed with cervical cancer. A littleover a year and a half later, the cancer spread and she

left this world before the first book launched.




After Cassandra passed, my heart was struck by thewords she put to the page as she endured thisexperience. She wrote of her earth angels and herexplorations as she left her body to “dance with herangels.” She did not write about her passing, she wroteabout Thank God I...™ living as she moved through herlife’s greatest test, and her life’s ending. She viewedeach person, each moment as precious. How fortunate

she was, to see God in the now.

Imagine — this is what she wrote about her cancer:

“Tears fill my eyes daily with gratitude for every moment and every breath. It has allowed me to go after my

dreams, to live from my heart, and to be truly free. I thank God for my cancer and for allowing me to reach a place in me that I don’t think would have been possible without this experience. I am now twenty- three and feel that I have stepped into my skin proudly.I have felt an inner peace that many don’t find until later in life. I am truly grateful for all my earth angels and

want to thank them for sharing with me this wonderful journey”

...Cassandra

There are 4 million tasks to accomplish in order to

bring the Thank God I...™ network to the standard of ourvision. Thank you, Cassandra, for reminding me why




Thank God I...™ was conceived in the first place.

Thanking God is about the above. Not just what isabove this sentence; it is about what is above, guidingus at every moment. Beyond the pain, chaos, andconfusion of our circumstance exists true perfection.Thanking God is about finding this perfection. Thisplace of thanking God might seem nearly impossible to

find, but it is the only place we will find ourselves.

Thank God I...™ is true “gratitude”.

Sure, we all hear about the “good things” that people aregrateful for in their lives. But, is this gratitude? Thank

God I...™ gratitude is about a state of being. It is about astate of inspiration, non-judgment, and presence.Thank God I...™ gratitude is beyond the illusion ofpositive or negative. It is beyond the lies of “good” and“evil”. Thank God I...™ . gratitude is about finding God inevery word, thought, and deed. In spirit, we are beyondthe illusion of pain or pleasure and we are present with

spirit. Thank God I...™ gratitude is about equal love forall that is, as it is, was, or ever shall become. Gratitudeis loving what we don’t “like” as much as loving what wedo “like”.

The diversity of authors and experiences

The intention of this series is to reach all of humanity,




every single unique creation. We did not base theselection of contributions to this series upon any faithor religious orientation. Each selected author took aformer challenge into their heart. The diversity ofauthors spans religions, countries, professions, age,race, nationality, and definitely experiences. Theyrange from strippers to doctors, from politicians to stay-at-home moms, and whoever they are, gratitude rules.

From alcoholism to molestation or rape, the law ofgratitude prevails with each of our authors.Thankfulness for whatever is, or is not, ultimately rulesevery one of our kingdoms.

The vision of Thank God I...™

Little did I imagine how lightning-fast Thank God I...™would circle the world. This network includesthousands of contributors, reaching millions of people,sharing not only their stories, but also their answers!Beyond the books, and the online community, we offerworldwide conference calls, workshops, and seminars!

The vision of this series will provide everyone withinspecific communities information in order to evolvepast the emotions that are holding them back. Thepeople and the project are revolutionary.

“All things in nature proceed from certain necessity and

with the utmost perfection.” ...Baruch Spinoza




Thank God

I Had an Eating Disorder

PAULA D. ATKINSON




In my thirty-one years on this planet, I've weighed 250lbs., and I've weighed 80 lbs. Extremely obese as achild and teen, I almost died from starvation in collegedue to anorexia, bulimia, and addiction to exercise. Iwas the fat daughter of an alcoholic father and anextremely depressed mother. An only child and alonely gal, I used food to numb out. I felt like Alice inWonderland: I didn't fit in with my family at all, and they

really didn't comprehend me. Curiosity and energyfilled me. The people around me seemed resentful,annoyed, and almost fearful of my desire forknowledge and insatiable hunger for stimulation. I ateto not feel. I became obese to hide and to shelter themfrom my obviously unacceptable characteristics. By

age sixteen I weighed 250 lbs.

One day, at the start of my junior year of high school, Isnapped and made the decision to be anorexic. I wasdefinitely not a victim of anorexia. I am a person whodoes what she sets out to do. Years prior I concludedthat my fat body directly caused every problem in my

life. Now I was going to change that so I could finallybe perfect. For in my head, like any overweight person,I truly believed that being fat was my only problem.

So I did it. I lost over 100 lbs. in eight months by overexercising and starving. I obtained the results I thought

I wanted -- I was the Homecoming queen by my senioryear, attended Homecoming with the quarterback of




the football team, and I fell deeply in love with a guy I'dhad a crush on since sixth grade. Wherever I turned, Ireceived accolades and compliments for my"discipline" and my "hard work."No one knew that I had starved to get there. I lied toeveryone all the time without a second thought.

It didn't take long to realize that I couldn't stop. I would

not go back to being fat and I didn't know how to eatnormally, but it would be a cold day in hell before Iasked another person for help. I continued to starveand over-exercise my way through college. I lived onhard candy, milk, and tomato juice for months. I spentso much time on the step machine at my local gym that

they asked me to leave. I never set foot in thedormitory mess hall. In my dorm room, with the doorlocked, chewed up and spit out hundreds of dollars'worth of food. The chewing made my mind think I waseating and soothed my rumbling tummy for a shortwhile.

Late at night, when the dorm was quiet, I would sneakdown to the garbage room to drop off grocery bags fullof chewed-up food. When the gym forbade me to workout, I ran miles and miles each day on the streets.Living in San Francisco at the time, I would run up anddown hills for hours and hours to burn off imaginary fat.

I was completely out of control, crazy, depressed, andtrapped in a hell I could have never anticipated. The




disease that I invited into my body and mind took over,and there was no room for any remnants of the personI once had been. By age twenty-one, I had starved mybody down to a deadly weight.

The day I arrived at the front door of a treatmentcenter, I weighed 80 lbs. I could no longer digest solidfoods -- my stomach gave up, as it had been so long

since I had chewed anything substantial. I stayed in thetreatment center for a year while nursing my body backto a healthy weight. The re-feeding process was themost physically uncomfortable thing I have ever gonethrough, and I had to have more faith than I knew howto assemble.

Every day the pendulum swung between great despairand even greater trust. The most valuable lessonthroughout was this new concept for me -- the idea ofgratitude. I had never before been grateful -- not once.I had never known humility, trust, or serenity. I hadnever said, "Thank you," and meant it --

never.

That was ten years ago, and my life now isn't perfect.My food isn't perfect, my body is far from perfect, andmy head still sometimes gets caught in the tornado ofdiet and calorie worries. My mind is like a radio stuck

on an old station that I hate listening to, but I can't findthe dial to turn it. But each day I feel thankful. Each




and every day, I cultivate more to be grateful for. Justas I had never known gratitude before my painful journey with my body, today I never feel a sense ofvictimization. The idea of "why me?" hasbeen totally lifted. The self-obsession and the focus onwhat's missing from you and from me is no longer afamiliar place. It's not even somewhere I visitoccasionally. Because of the painful journey I have

walked in this body, I want nothing more than to be ofservice to those who still suffer. That is the absolutegreatest gift of all.

Today I am a thirty-one year old healthy woman withbig dreams and wild hopes and a wicked sense of

humor. I'm obsessed with Hello Kitty and have a mouthlike a sailor. I think my eyes are gorgeous and mylaugh is awesome. Today I appreciate who I am.Everything good in my life is a direct result of the painI've been through with my weight, my body, and myhealth.

I'm a yoga teacher, a freelance writer, an author, aspeaker, a successful model, and an artist. I sponsorother girls and speak in high schools and junior highsand on college campuses about addiction to diets andcompulsive eating. I am so grateful for the weight-body-food issues of my past. Today I am a healthy woman

with a full and opulent life. I came to trust a while agothat gratitude is an instant and free pass to sanity and




peace. After over twenty years of looking for an outsidesource of confidence and serenity, I now rely uponactive gratitude as an immediate remedy for the bizarreidea that I'm not enough, or I don't have enough. In mycase, the feelings and habitual thoughts of lack andinsecurity played out in my life through body hatred,compulsive exercise, and food addiction.

One of my many dreams is to bring workshops to highschools and colleges for girls and young women. Ihave so much to reveal to them and such a burningwish to connect that it sometimes overwhelms me. Iwant them to love themselves, as I did not. I want themto hear and take in and believe that appreciation for the

body we have is the only way we can battle theculture's messages telling us that our worth dependson our body's appearance and size. When I speakfrom a fearlessly authentic place to young women, Isee their eyes sparkle. They give themselvespermission to be as wise as they naturally are. I remindthem to love themselves, and that their most important

job is to take care of themselves. My gratitude for themand for where I am today is contagious; they feel it andradiate it back. Together, we can all muster up the faithto be thankful for what we have. Gratitude, in myexperience, is the mightiest sword against sufferingand the softest way to peace.




. . .

Paula D. Atkinson is a registered yoga instructor at fivehundred hours, a freelance writer, and a creativitycoach. Her yoga practice started in northern California,where she remembers going to yoga classes with hermother when she was very young. Then she gave it upfor a decade as she grappled with obesity and

anorexia, compulsive exercise, and deep depression.She has been teaching full-time for seven years inWashington, DC. She now divides her time teachingyoga, speaking at sororities and high schools about her journey, and writing freelance. Paula also facilitatescreativity focus groups in her home. Paula and her

partner, Carlo, live in New York City, where Paulaworks toward a graduate degree from ColumbiaUniversity so she can reach more people with hermessage of hope. Please check her out atwww.PauladAtkinson.com.

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thank god i had an eating disorder by paula d atkinson

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