Thanks for the Feedback

The Science and Art of receiving feedback well.

Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen

When we ask people to list their most difficult conversations, feedback always comes up.

We swim in an ocean of feedback.

When we give feedback, we notice that the receiver isn’t good at receiving it. When we receive feedback, we notice that the giver isn’t good at giving it!!

The term ‘feedback’ was coined in the 1860s, during the industrial revolution to describe the way in which outputs of energy, momentum or signals are returned to their point of origin in a mechanical system.

Learning about ourselves can be painful, sometimes brutally so.

Receiving feedback doesn’t mean you always have to take the feedback. Receiving it well means engaging in the conversation skillfully.

People who are willing to look at themselves are just easier to work with and live with. Being with people who are grounded and open is energizing.

Most of us just do fine with positive feedback, although even praise can sometimes leave us uneasy.

There are three feedback triggers: Truth triggers, Relationship triggers, Identity triggers.

In feedback, separate appreciation, coaching and evaluation in the discussion.

Appreciation is about relationship and human connection. When your boss says how grateful he is to have you on the team.When you ask your boss for more direction, you are asking for coaching.When your boss says you are a strong performer and can be groomed, that’s evaluation.

Reassurance, ‘you can do this’, ‘I trust you to do this’, ’go ahead’ also falls in additional judgments, but on the positive side.

We need all threeType of feedback Giver’s purpose

Appreciation To see, acknowledge, connect, motivate, thank

Coaching To help receiver expand knowledge, sharpen skill, improve capability

Evaluation To rate or rank against a set of standards, to align expectations, to inform decision making

Appreciation seems the least important, however, no relationship can move forward without appreciation both ways.

Effective feedback needs three things

1. What’s my purpose in giving/receiving this feedback?

2. Is it the right purpose from my point of view?

3. Is it the right purpose from the other person’s point of view?

Move from that’s wrong to tell me more

Comment What was heard What was meant

Coaching Be more confident Give the impression you know things even if you don’t

Have the confidence to say you don’t know when you don’t know

I wish you weren’t so opinionated

Don’t be interesting to talk to, get bland

You don’t listen to anyone, its exhausting

Evaluation You’ve received a 4 out of 5 this year

Last year I got a 4.1, I worked much harder, why isn’t hard work noticed?

No one gets a 5.Few get a 4 and you’ve done it twice. You are doing a great job

Feedback givers arrive at their feedback in two steps : 1. they observe data and 2. they interpret the data that tells a story

Feedback is best when its specific and not beating around the bush. Most people are not specific in conversations for fear of hurting others.

A blind spot is something we don’t see about ourselves that others do see.Tone of voice also conveys a surprising amount of information about our feelings. Sometimes we need to step up the tone to get the message.

E mail body language:ALL CAPS is a signal, a bunch of ????? Is a signal, someone marked cc on the mail is a strategic placement , the reply being slow is another signal, watch , watch for this. There is feedback here.In e mail, we know what they said, we want to know what they meant.

Emotions play a huge role in the gap between how others see us and how we assume we are seen. Emotional math's is really a subject of a larger dynamic. When something goes wrong and I am part of it, I will attribute it to the situation, you will tend to attribute it to my character.

How I see me How you see me

Shy Aloof

Upbeat Phony

Spontaneous Flaky

Truth teller Nasty

Passionate Emotional

Smart Arrogant

High Standards Hypercritical

Outgoing Overbearing

Offering feedback is ‘holding up the mirror”. Mirrors are two types – a supportive mirror and am honest mirror.A supportive mirror shows us at our best, a honest mirror shows us the way look right now.

We all have blind spots because we cant see our own faces in conversations, cant hear our tone of voice and are unaware of our behavior.

Look at it from a systems point : Be on the lookout if you are externalizing, take responsibility for your part, and see what will make you change.

The magic 40 :Research suggests that 50 % of our happiness is wired in, 40 % is attributed to how we interpret and respond to what happens to us and 10 % is driven by our circumstances.

A movie is better when we get lost in it, and the same is true for life.

Thoughts+Feelings = story

Move toward a growth identityIdentity question Fixed GROWTH

Who am I? I'm fixed, I am who I am. I change, learn, grow

Can I change? My traits are fixed, effort doesn’t change it

My capabilities are always evolving. Effort and hard work will pay off

What’s the goal Success. The outcome is what matters

The process of learning is what’s rewarding. Success is a by product

When do I feel smart and successful?

When I do something perfectly. When I struggle and then start to figure it out.

Response to challenge Threat, I might be exposed Opportunity, I can learn and improve

Most comfortable environment

Safety within my abilities, zones.

Just outside my abilities to stretch my capabilities

Rejecting feedback is easy. The three boundaries for rejection are:Not taking advice, Not taking feedback right now and stop, I will leave if this is the feedback.

Four body skills for managing the conversation:Listening, Asserting, Process moves and problem solving.

Ask for regular feedback and ask how you can help better? When giving feedback, look at what’s stopping people, i.e. getting in their way.

What leadership and HR can do?

1. Don’t just trumpet benefits, explain tradeoffs

2. Separate appreciation, coaching and evaluation

3. Promote a culture of learners.

What team leaders and feedback givers can do.

1. Model learning, request coaching2. As givers manage mindset and identity3. Be aware of how individual differences

collide in an organization ( dreamy, articulate, big talkers, never get the concept of responsiveness and deadlines, they need to be shown the reality of business)