the broken wreckord 2003 - pingry school...the parking lot?” mr. neiswender responded with a...

NO MORE CLOTHES • JED V. GEESE • & MORE

MARTINSVILLE? BERNARDS TOWNSHIP? WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?, NJ MAY 2003

The BrokenWreckord 2003

BY SUSANNAH BRAGG (V)The Headmaster of Del-

barton School, a traditionallyall-boys private school lo-cated in Morristown, NJ, an-nounced yesterday that he hadfinally decided to allow girlsto attend the school.

On hearing the news, everysingle member of the femalesex rushed out of Pingry’sMartinsville campus tohightail it to Delbarton. Alarge mass of women subse-quently formed around theDelbarton building, as teenagegirls from all over the stategathered to chant: “Hey, girls,

get in line, Delby boys are re-ally fine.” Other cheers in-cluded “I love the ‘GreenWave,’ makes me want to mis-behave” and “Delbarton is theplace for me, Let’s all join injubilee!”

No small number of fightshave broken out between stu-dents from Pingry and localall-girls school Kent Place.“You’re ugly,” shouted oneKent Place student to a Pingrygirl. The Pingry-ite then re-plied, “You look like a man,”to which the Kent Place girlretorted, “I don’t like you.”Hair-grabbing inevitably fol-

lowed.D e l b a r t o n

males are fright-ened, to say theleast. Unable toleave their schoolwithout beingmobbed, many ofthe boys are at-tending religiousservices to pray forpeace. The studentbody president

made a brief statement that the

girls should “have no fear” forthere is “plenty to go around.”

Other boys have takenmore precautionary measures,such as locking up windowsand hiding in bathrooms. Anunderground movement for anescape route has also beenshowing grassroots strength.One of the renegades leakedthat the movement, which

calls itself Operation RunFreedom Run, plans to “sendout a couple of our guys to dis-tract the girls with their hot-ness, so that the rest of us canmake a break for it. We rec-ognize that we’ll have to leavea few men behind for the di-version to be successful, butthat’s a price we’re willing topay.”

Meanwhile, a coalition ofPingry boys have embarkedon a crusade to get their girlsback. John Porges (VI), in asacrifice for the good of theschool, has taken to wearinglederhosen all day long andserenading passers-by withhis rendition of “The LonelyGoatherd.” Amit Kumar (V)has been walking around the

perimeter of the Delbartonmob, warning girls that he willsoon stop accepting applicantsfor his prom date. There islittle luck to be had, however.Even Eric Bergh (VI) struckout recently with his seem-ingly foolproof rendition of“Brown-Eyed Girl”: two Bal-ladeers were overheard tellinghim to “get some new songs.And our eyes are hazel, by theway.”

Now that some of the con-fusion has died down, how-ever, a substantial number ofPingry girls have decided toreturn. “I camped outside forthree nights,” relates a sopho-more, “and all I got was abloody nose from a fiery littlePingry Middle Schooler whomistook me for an Oak Knollgirl.” A freshman girl evenstates that she doesn’t “seewhat all the fuss overDelbarton is about. Pingryguys are just too darn hot.”

“Our boys may be dysfunc-tional,” says one senior, “butwhen it comes down to it, Ijust can’t help myself.”

DELBARTON ADMITS GIRLSMass Exodus of Females From Pingry

BY AARON SUSSMAN (VI)At a recent assembly, Mr.

Neiswender made a startlingannouncement that The PingrySchool, a “private highschool” in Martinsville, NewJersey, is in fact just part of areality series. In actuality, ourschool is a struggling publicschool desperately in need offunds.

Since being lied to, studentsfound it difficult to maintaintheir love for Pingry, espe-cially after realizing that it isin fact a dilapidated shack splitinto two rooms for “readin”and “ritin.” Students express-ing dissatisfaction towardsthis revelation were criticizedby some as being “shallow,”despite the fact that five are al-ready dead from falling pipes,exploding copiers, and expo-sure to a potent asbestos/pes-ticide/ricin combination thatwas used to clean the chalkboards.

One incredulous studentasked Mr. Neiswender, “If weare a struggling public school

BY AARON SUSSMAN (VI)This past Friday, Dr. Ed

Tomlinson, chair of the Politi-cal Science Department at theUniversity of Pennsylvania,delivered his lecture at assem-bly while clearly in the midstof a nervous breakdown.

What was supposed to bean oration about the effects ofglobal, neo-liberal, free-tradepolicies in Latin Americaturned into a semi-coherentrant about topics such as theinvasion of Panama,scrambled cable, Diem, sockswith the individual toes, Rosie(“that damn robot from theJetsons who thought she wasso stinkin smart”), Pete Rose,and an inexplicable condem-nation of bird feeders.

Dr. Tomlinson, a 50-year-old man with no hair, ap-proached the podium appear-ing very pale and sweatingprofusely. After spending ap-

that is severely lacking in re-sources, then how do we af-ford to drive those SUV’s inthe parking lot?” Mr.Neiswender responded with achuckle, “Why, those vehiclesrun on the crushed hopes ofschoolchildren.”

Along with this majornews, it was also revealed thatMr. Rohdie is really a 5 foottall Korean woman, that Jed isactually running both theschool and the 7th Congres-sional District, and that theBroken Wreckord is in fact ahumor newspaper.

‘Joe Millionaire’Plotline Adopted

Assembly Speaker ClearlyHaving Nervous Breakdown

Adam Rohdie.

Instead of talkingabout what hesupposed to, EdTomlinsonbabbled aboutRosie the Robotand toe socks.

She’ll bite for her man!

I came by sea turtle. Sometimesmy hem comes loose. Who herehas heard of NAFTA? Howabout the WTO? How about theFTAA? Smirk at my marmots.How about FIFA? How aboutWWF? That stands for WorldWildlife Wrestling Federation.Panda Crunch!”

Dr. Tomlinson then spentnine minutes performing the“Panda Crunch” on whatseemed to be an invisible op-ponent.

“In conclusion,” screamedDr. Tomlinson, “a global com-munity must be willing to co-operate and remove all barriers,like the barriers that arise whena father throws his son out ofthe house because the son bor-rowed the car and crashed intoa telephone pole when somejerk cut him off so it wasn’teven his fault. Let’s paint cab-bages.”

proximately seven minutesdabbing his forehead with hisnecktie, Dr. Tomlinson beganhis presentation: “Goodevening. This is my third lec-

ture today, and only my sec-ond as myself. For my firstlecture I was Henry LouisGates Jr. I just arrived inMartinsville, NJ, an hour ago.

THE ONLY PINGRY PAPER WITH THE GUTS TO TELL IT LIKE IT REALLY IS!

They’re off to get themselves some decent boyfriends!

Susannah Bragg (V)

Susannah Bragg (V)

THE BROKEN WRECKORD • MAY 20032

The Broken Wreckord

All rights reserved. All contents © 2003 The Pingry Record. Printed on recycled paper. Please recycle after use.

HITS &MISSES

Head Honchos Susannah Bragg, David Spett

What would we do without you? Aaron Sussman

Helper-outers Chris Holt ’02, Robert Zacharias

Layout Editor Page Maker (VI)

Computer Consultant Max R. Cool

Staph Infectors Caitlin Bergh, Adam Goldstein,James Somers, Rebecca Speiser

Photographers Marissa Drell, Nelson Lee

Arteest Melissa Tyson

Faculty Advisor Dr. Susan Dineen

Technical Advisor Mr. Dean Sluyter

E D I T O R I A L S

Those of you who are now reading this paper and hopefully chortling to your-selves cannot begin to imagine the tears, sweat, brawls, and power struggles thatwent into making this issue. Old orders were torn down, dictators attempted toseize power, heroes were born….

Well, basically we couldn’t get people to write. When one of our editors po-litely questioned a writer about the whereabouts of her article, she burst into tearsand has since avoided looking any of us in the eye in the hallway. Another writerassured us, “Oh, sure, I wrote it weeks ago. It’s really good, too. Like money.” Hethen went to go “fetch it out of his locker” and proceeded to be absent for the restof the week.

One freshman thought we were asking him to write for the Record instead ofthe Broken Wreckord and responded, “Come on, seriously, who wants to writefor that? Oh, I mean…” He quickly scurried off and has recently been sightedhiding out in the catwalks of the new theater. He is incredibly hard to spot, though,as he has painted his entire body a metallic gray and spends most of his timecreeping around, talking to his “preciousssss.”

A number of Middle Schoolers seemed simply overcome with intimidation atthe sight of us. In any case, they mumbled something in Latin and crumpled tothe floor in little balls. Likewise, black market sales of garlic and holy water wentup in the seventh and eighth grade, and teachers were urging their students to“Just say no!” to the Broken Wreckord. There have even been rumors of a PSPAvigilante movement that condones midnight raids to tear up any articles-in-progressin the Middle School. Headmaster Mr. Neiswender declined comment, but a num-ber of parents have sprung up around the school disguised as students and tryingto fit in with such hip language as, “Holla back, young’n” and “Man, you beststop mad dawging me or I’ll bust a cap in your posterior.”

After getting the poor little collapsed Middle Schoolers safely curled up ontheir couches with a good Harry Potter book, we embarked with new fury on ourquest for writers. It was a virtuous crusade, one might say, but then again onewould probably be wrong. Still, we battled to save Pingry students from theirown procrastination and desire to do nothing.

Sure we encountered some dragons along the way. Our copy editing staff formeda rebel army to protest the “tyrannical, barbaric and downright mean regime” thatforced them to write articles. Their cause soon deteriorated into infiltrating ouroffice, sitting around, and eating Doritos, but they did, as a matter of principle,refuse to look at anything that resembled an article while they lounged around.

“You’re tearing me apart!” cried our layout editor when we suggested he stopby sometime. “You people don’t own me. I believe you may be the anti-Christ.”He then dropped the banana he was eating, exclaimed “gosh dernit!” and becamevery sad. Things were never quite the same for him after that.

Luckily, all turned out well, for I stumbled upon a box of articles lying on thestreet. People seemed to be running as fast as they could from the box, cursing itand nicknaming it “Pandora’s box—the source of all evil in the world.” Being thenaturally curious person I am, I summoned my courage, opened the box, andreleased the glory inside.

So after a period of strife and a lot of waiting, here it is for your enjoyment—the Broken Wreckord 2003.

—Susannah Bragg

Last year’s Broken Wreckord was the first in nearly a decade, and its returnseemed to be generally well-received. However, a lot of you completely missedthe point of it.

I realized the problem when a bunch of middle schoolers approached me earlythis year. I was conducting interviews for Kids in the Hall when two little guysasked me, “Are you the kid who made that Broken Wreckord?” When I said yes,they added, “It was really funny.”

FUNNY!? I haven’t been so offended since Peking changed its name to Beijing.Susannah and I put so much work into that paper, and you boneheads think it’sfunny?

It didn’t take me long to realize that this problem wasn’t confined to the pre-pubescent idiots who cut the lunch line and sit in the nose-bleed section of theauditorium. It seems that the entire school confused this for some kind of “hu-morous” or “satirical” publication. How could you be so freaking stupid?

Here’s a newsflash: our articles are not funny, but entirely real and non-fic-tional. We employ only the most honorable student journalists, and your deplor-able, selfish laughter insults their hard work.

Just look at the articles in our paper that were really true. For example, that oneabout Mr. DuBourg quitting. To those of you who thought that article was funny,let me ask you this: do you see Mr. DuBourg roaming the Pingry halls anymore?I don’t think so. Serious, undercover news articles like these are simply not ajoking matter.

How about the article regarding the coup d’etat? That came true, too—afterall, I don’t see Brian Martin around anymore, do you?

And the article about Trem eating the middle schoolers—that one was true aswell. Don’t try to deny it. The evidence is in Trem’s belly: it’s six inches thickerthan ever before. Disprove that, you critics!

These are only a few of the countless examples of The Wreckord’s thoroughundercover reporting. See for yourself how right we are—if you carefully scruti-nize last year’s issue, you’ll find that over 100% of the articles were entirelytruthful.

To help this school’s brainless student body better understand our mission,we’ve adopted a new slogan: we’re the only school newspaper with the guts totell it like it is. Get it? So when you’re forced to choose between reading ourpaper and that other, phony one, we hope you’ll choose the real deal. Up yours,Pingry Record!

—David Spett

We Have Guts!Sound theVictory Bell

Hit: The Broken Wreckord has taken over the school.Miss: Nobody cares.Miss: Middle School secedes from Union.Hit: Nobody cares.Miss: Soccer team is deserted as students flock to join ex-

treme ironing team.Hit: New wing being built for the extreme ironing team.Hit: There is finally a Quidditch team at Pingry.Miss: It’s a fictional sport.Hit: Hot boys at Delbarton!Miss: We already knew that.Miss: No girls left at Pingry; i.e., nobody intelligent left at

Pingry.Miss: Geese ambush Jed and corner him.Hit: Jed gets away from the geese and eats lots of goose

poop.Hit: New dress code abolishes all clothes in building.Miss: Flip-flops still not allowed.Hit: Robert Zacharias elected student body president.Miss: Robert Zacharias elected student body president.Hit: Aaron Sussman will fight to stay in office.Miss: He was all too eager to show us his new briefs.Hit: Big Blue has a girlfriend named Big Red.Miss: She turned him down when he asked her to prom.

THE BROKEN WRECKORD • MAY 2003 3

DAILY LIFE AT THE

SCHOOL WE ‘LOVE’

Run! Run for your lives! Run! Big Blue is on the rampage!

What is that ridiculous paper she’s reading?Nobody reads that...

The Middle Schoolers have gotten so tiny that we almost can’tsee them!

How many days till we’re out of this jail cell?

“I’m gonna get me some Kibbles ‘n’ Bits!”

One! Two! I can’t go on...Practicing our telekinetic skills.

Susannah Bragg (V)

Susannah Bragg (V)

Robert Zacharias (V)Dr. Dineen

Dr. DineenDr. Dineen

Nelson Lee (III)

Nelson Lee (III)

Nelson Lee (III)

No one really knows whose baby this is, so you canbuy it from us for the bargain price of $15.

The track is the cool people’s favorite hangout.


S C H O O L N E W S

BY ADAM GOLDSTEIN (III)Following years of uneasy

contact, a civil war eruptedtoday between the MiddleSchool and Upper School.This occurred just two daysafter Daniel Davidson, theForm II president, drafted hisown constitution and urgedMiddle School students to“fight the oppression of AaronSussman and all his ilk.”

Battles ranging from heatedverbal exchanges to full-fledged physical clasheserupted throughout the schoolin the morning. RemyDell’ermo (I) stood over thebloodied remains of TomoGibson (VI) and summed uphis skirmish by saying, “Hetried these crazy kung-fu-ishmoves on me, and I was justlike, ‘Bam,’ and he fell downand started bleeding. I was like‘Whoa. Stupid Yankee.’ ”

The war has not been badfor all members of the com-munity, however. Joe DellaRosa (VI) has been filmingmany of the especially goryencounters for his new movie,“Uppa Skool.” Members ofAmnesty International are re-

MIDDLE SCHOOL SECEDES

FROM UNION; CIVIL WAR ERUPTS

BY JAMES SOMERS

A select few students andteachers were urgently calledout of class this week for anemergency meeting of theSocial Action Committee.According to one student, theclasses left behind “didn’tknow what was going on,”and were “scared it might bereally serious.”

Little is known about themeeting, except for the infor-mation leaked in an all-school handout, which readas follows:

“When the committeemembers finally settled downin the fac-u l t ylounge, theHead So-cialite, Mr.J o h nNeiswender,r e v e a l e dthe devel-oping cri-sis. ‘Whatwe havehere is ad a u n t i n gtask,” heexplained.“I wentaround theschool, andyou know what I saw?’ Halfthe room gasped, imaginingthe horrible possibilities. ‘I’lltell you what I saw… Peopleout of place everywhere!They just don’t know whotheir friends are these days.’”

Mr. Neiswender declinedan interview, saying only,“We made a plan. You guyswill like it.”

Luckily, though, AssistantHead Socialite Mr. AdamRohdie was open to com-ment. “Well, the social situa-tion is really getting out of

BY SUSANNAH BRAGG (V)The administration made a

drastic change in dress codepolicy last Friday when UpperSchool Head Mr. AdamRohdie declared that allclothes would hereby bestrictly forbidden in andaround the school building.Signs have even gone uparound the building reading“Get Naked or Get Out” and“Be in the mood, boys andgirls, to be as nude as littlesquirrels.”

After spending so muchtime measuring the length ofgirls’ skirts and urging boys totuck in their shirts, the teach-ers are relieved about the newchange. “We were tired ofhaving to judge students’ at-tire on an individual basis,”says Mrs. Patty Hearst, Deanof the Upper School andformer convict of bank rob-bing. “This way, you’re eithernaked or you’re out of dresscode. No more will studentstry getting away with flip-flops. I’d like to see them try.Bring it on, I say to any suchrebels without a cause. Bringit on.”

The decision came in ameeting of Student BodyPresident Aaron Sussman’sdress code committee. Unableto come to a consensus on flip-flops, the students chose to getrid of shoes altogether, but asone member of the committeeput it, “Why stop there? Noflip-flops? Puh. I say no shoes!No clothes! Our powerstretches to the end of the uni-verse!”

Drunk on power, the mem-bers of the committee thenproceeded to rip off all theirclothes and run around theschool shouting proclama-tions of equality and libera-tion. The rest of the studentbody was slightly baffled andhorrified by the sight, but inno time, more courageous stu-dents had shed their shoes and

sweaters.The administration, which

had committed itself to en-dorse the committee’s ruling,had no choice at this point.Upper School Head Mr.Adam Rohdie announced thatclothes “and whatever hap-pens to be wearing them”would no longer be permittedin this institution. Jed the dogwas soon placed at the frontentrance of the building toscare off any students whotried to sneak in with a hat ora belt or other such contra-band.

Though the new policy hasbeen running smoothly for thepast week, several people arestill hesitant. One junior who

was punished for wearing askirt on Monday asks, “Whatabout our individuality? Arewe not being deprived of anessential way to express our-selves?” Counters a freshman:“We’re all equal now! Eat myshorts, seniors, I’m sitting onyour couches. Hehehehehe!”(This young man was soonpicked up and hoisted out a

New Dress Code: No Clothes!

nearby window to tumultuousapplause.)

One girl came to school ina scarf and tried to use the ex-cuses, “I’m cold” and “It’ssnowing outside.” Mr. Rohdiewasn’t about to fall for thatkind of jabberwocky. “Theselittle tykes,” he chuckled as hebooted her out of the school.“Who needs them?”

A number of students havechosen civil disobedience.Seventh grader Harry Frotmanrefused to remove the sock hewore to school yesterday and,after surviving hours of grill-ing and mind games in Mr.Rohdie’s office, the brave littlesoul was sent home to his par-

ents. Older students have sincetaken to wearing red and goldsocks on their left feet asbadges of honor to rememberHarry. Many have even beenheard shouting slogans like“Harry lives!,” “Come onMary, don’t tarry; We can’t letthem bury Harry!,” and“Harry is a berry!” (No onequite knows the origins of thatlast one, but it is effectivenonetheless).

Teachers have also beencomplaining about a lack offocus in class. “There has re-cently been an increase inpeople diagnosed with ADD,”says Psychology teacher Dr.Michael Richardson. “Peoplejust can’t seem to pay atten-tion in class lately.”

Still, many have embracedthe new direction the schoolhas taken. According to onepassionate sophomore girl,“this should be a democracy,a meritocracy. Now we are allon even ground. Look at ouridol, Big Blue! Did he needclothes to succeed? I thinknot.”

“If you think about it,clothes contradict everythingthe honor code stands for,”says a representative of thehonor board. “They are a wayof hiding our true selves, keep-ing something private, deceiv-ing others. Garments are onlya mask to project a false im-age to the world. Thus, clothesare lies. Lies, I tell you! Burnthem! Burn them to the groundand feel the warmth of truthand honesty.”

SAC INCRISIS

lieved to finally have some-thing to talk about, and stu-dents who eat E lunch arehappy to find food left overfor them, unaware thatthey’re eating blood-taintedMarinara sauce.

Meanwhile, those who donot want to fight have beenleft with few options. RobertZacharias (V) has become theunofficial Upper Schooldrummer, marching down thehalls playing his bongos.Other pacifists have hiddenout in the drafting room. “It’sfar enough from the actionthat we’re pretty safe. No-body goes here, anyway,”

said an anonymous source.Middle Schoolers have be-

gun seeking refuge at theShort Hills campus, fitting inalmost naturally. However,some have not fit in as well asothers. John Kolb (II) was eas-ily discovered posing as a vis-iting kindergarten studentwhen he told the teacher thathe “imperatively needed tomake use of the facilities.”

The Middle School Consti-tution, which started the wholeconflict, has received mixedreviews. Middle School HeadDr. Robert Macrae praised itas “a marvel of writing and along-due document for our

little kiddie-widdies.”Upper School Head Adam

Rohdie has been decidedlymore critical, especially dur-ing his weekly Tuesday as-sembly speech. After readingthe announcements this pastTuesday, he read the studentsthe entire bible in four lan-guages.

He finished the sermon bysaying, “The lesson we shouldget out of this book is that theMiddle School Constitution isa mistake, and we can all learna thing or two from the situa-tion … or something. Have agreat week.”

hand, so we decided to makeit easier for everybody andcreate some order aroundhere,” he said with a sigh ofrelief. “They don’t call us theSocial Action Committee fornothing!”

According to Mr. Rohdie,the plan involves creating asystem to keep track of stu-dents’ social status. Studentswill know exactly who theirfriends are, and they will beplaced into rigid groups ac-cording to their social stand-ing.

Moreover, students can im-prove their status through avariety of procedures, eachworth a specific point value.Rohdie says focus is placed on“relationships that peoplehave with members of the op-posite sex, athletic ability,good looks, and a sense of

style” when it comes to rank-ing students.

There is even a prototypedigital board that Apu and Mr.Hata are working on to postcontinually updated social in-formation.

Asked in a survey to givetheir reactions to the newplans, an overwhelming 198%of students, teachers, and staffmarked the box that said, “Thewhole thing is perfect.” The 15students who disagreed, allmembers of the Get A Life(GAL) group, said “our sys-

tem is better. We would havevoted yes, but Mr. Neiswendersaid we couldn’t be the top-ranked students.”

The plan is expected to beimplemented soon, with So-cial Awareness Aptitude Teststo be held in early March.

Greg Selover (III) is shocked ...but pleased

Susannah Bragg (V) Susannah Bragg (V)

Susannah Bragg (V)

Susannah Bragg (V)

Susannah Bragg (V)

Susannah Bragg (V)

Jack Zoephel (V) reels in horror

Sumeet Shah (V) holds his brain in awe

Scene from the so-called “Battle of the Dining Room”

An agonizing kick to the ab-domen takes a soldier down.


F E A T U R E S

Engel Dining RoomHas Fantabulous

SmorgasbordBY DAVID “SUE ME SHAH”

SPETT (V)This past Wednesday, I took

my father and my brotherSnachin to the hottest eateryin all of Bernards Township:the Engel Dining Room. Iknew the Dining Room wouldbe great as soon as we droveup: it was so crowded thatthere was no parking at all!

The smorgasbord offered aplethora of choices. My fatherchose pasta with red sauce. Ichose pasta with red sauce.Snachin chose pasta with redsauce and a piece of garlicbread.

The pasta was superlativeand perfectly al dente. Thesauces complemented it withthe perfect blend of water andfood coloring. After only a fewbites, my appetite becamesated, and I could not eat anymore.

I did not have the garlicbread, but when Snachin bitinto his, he cracked a tooth andbegan screaming and bleedingprofusely. Frankly, he shouldhave visited the dentist priorto feasting at the Engel Din-ing Room. I luckily saved the

day by giving Snachin mynapkin to dab his wound.

To drink, I had the choco-late milk, which was fabu-lously piquant. It tasted as ifthe cafeteria staff had justmilked the chocolate cowmoments ago. My fatherdrank the Big Blue Punch,which he found sweet andtangy.

For dessert, I had FrenchVanilla flavored frozen yogurt,which was splendid. It was sotasty, yet so uniquely different

from yesterday’s flavor, Sim-ply Vanilla.

Overall, the Engel DiningRoom offers fabulous fare thatcan’t be beaten anywhere inBernards Township. It’s cer-tainly the best place to go on adate or with your peer group.

Ratings (on a scale from 1to 10):

Food: 1,000,000Décor: 100Service: 99999Cost/Person: Free

Coming in the Next Broken Wreckord:

Q&A withJed the Dog

Q&A withthe Geese

AND

CANINE VS.CANADIAN:

SURVIVAL OF THEFITTEST

“If that Jed thinks he canstop me from defecating

all over the fields, he’s gotanother think coming!”

“If I could h*$% anyone’sleg in the school, it would

be Mr. Neiswender’s. Iknow he’d enjoy it.”

A Restaurant Review

BY AARON SUSSMAN (VI)JED is a border collie re-

cently hired by Pingry to workwith the maintenance staff asa solution to the “Goose Prob-lem.” JED, whose namestands for “Justice EqualsDeath,” has undergone a vi-cious training program whichhas transformed him into a“water fowl killing machine.”

JED started out at a train-ing facility in Virginia. Here,he was forced into a Clock-work Orange–type chair de-vice and made to watch terri-fying movies of goose vio-lence, including footage ofgeese dismembering a puppy,geese lighting dog houses onfire, geese grabbing rawhidebones and then flying away,and one harrowing image of agoose inserting a chew toyinto a dog’s collar and caus-ing the dog extreme distresswhen unable to remove it.

In order to learn discipline,JED was sent to a specialschool for gifted dogs. He didnot get along with the facultyor his classmates. After a pri-vate meeting with the Dean ofthe school, Muffykins, JEDemerged from the office with

blood stained jowls, howlingat his defeated prey. JED alsobit into the jugular vein andkilled his acting Professor,Benji.

At Pingry, JED has alreadyslain and consumed roughlythree dozen geese, and two or

JED UNDERGOESGEESE-HATINGCONDITIONING

possibly three middleschoolers. Though many arepleased with JED’s work, sev-eral found it disconcertingwhen JED, using his paw,carved the words “JEDWANT BLOOD” into thesand on the softball field.

MarissaDrell (V)

His looks are deceiving: JED has blood on his cute mind

David Spett (V)

“I just looove this jar!”


A A R O N ’ S N E(NOT TO BE CONFUSED WI

BY AARON SUSSMAN (VI)

Bake Sale GoesLong Way in Fund-ing New Wing

After realizing that con-struction of the new arts wingwould be a major expense,Mr. Neiswender called anemergency meeting of theCommunity Service Club.“Look,” said the headmaster,“we estimated our costs alittle bit inaccurately, and itis up to you to raise somemoney to help the school out.I believe this can only bedone with a bake sale. Weneed $3,249,159.55 ... give ortake.”

“Let’s make chocolate-filled puff pastries!” chimedin club President EdwardBarsamian (VI).

The bake sale was wildlysuccessful. Rice Krispy treatswent for $10,400 each,oatmeal-raisin cookies soldfor $20,000, and doublefudge brownies were givenonly in exchange for donat-ing a new level to the artswing.

Editor of BrokenWreckord Lied toAgain

Editor David Spett wastold by Aaron Sussman forthe fourth time today that thearticles would be in his hand

“tomorrow.”“It is so funny,” Sussman

said to Spett over the phone,“you called me just as I wasfinishing my third article.”Sussman was in fact eatingcookie dough and watchingAmerican Idol.

Sussman’s articles are offi-cially a month and four daysover deadline.

Respect Lost for Dr.John Pingry Due toPicture of Him Nextto School Sign

“I knew he founded theschool and everything, but Ijust kinda figured they namedit Pingry after he died,” saysMorty Wackerman (V). “Imean, just calling the schoolyour last name seems prettydumb. I started the Anime Ap-preciation Club last year, butit’s not like I’m gunna just callit the Wackerman Club,” headds.

Morty was even more dis-illusioned upon discoveringthat the new arts wing was tobe named Neiswender City.

Giant SwastikaFlag Confuses Manyon Multicultural Day

Many were confounded bythe presence of a large flagfeaturing a black swastika onthe side of the stage during therecent celebration of diversity.

Though the flag was back-stage, it was still visible tothose sitting on the left side ofthe auditorium. The assemblywas marked by traditional In-dian and Irish dance numbers,an exciting hip-hop display,and the waving of a hate sym-bol from the Third Reich.

When The BrokenWreckord inquired about thisoddly placed emblem, it wastold, “It was a prop from ‘TheSound of Music.’ You knowthat. You were in it, and youare the only one who noticedit during the assembly. Nowgo away.”

Sussman LeadsSchool in PreemptiveMascot Stealing

Upon hearing speculationsthat Delbarton was planning tosteal the beloved Big Bluecostume, Student Body Presi-dent Aaron Sussman launcheda full student government in-vasion of the rival high school.The primary objectives were:destroying Delbarton’s mas-cot-stealing capabilities, liber-ating the students from an op-pressive student government,and preventing them fromforming links with other mas-cot-stealing groups.

When Mr. Neiswender in-formed Sussman that he wasviolating many school rules,Sussman merely laughed athim and called him, along with

other dissenters, “a supporterof mascot-stealing.” Very fewstudents at Pingry supportSussman’s actions, and manythink that he has the ulteriormotive of attaining the largebeverage recourses ofDelbarton’s cafeteria.

In a recent poll, 98.8% ofthe students answered “no”when asked, “Are you pleasedwith Sussman’s administra-tion thus far?” One seniordidn’t find the option of “no”to be suitable, instead asking,“Why is there no option of‘He is an illegitimate, bellig-erent liar, murderer, andcriminal?’”

School Divided Be-tween ‘Spitting Im-age’ and ‘Myndroht,’Claim ‘Spitting Im-age’ and ‘Myndroht’

According to Myndrohtfrontman Ben “Thor” Grant,Pingry students are divided bytheir allegiances to either hardrock/alternative bandMyndroht or punk-rock bandSpitting Image. AndrewHeyman, singer/songwriterfor Spitting Image, agrees,saying, “Yeah, that may be theonly thing that we agree withMyndSUCK on …” SpittingImage bassist Scott Simonadds, “It’s like liking eitherElvis or the Beatles. It can’tbe both.”

Myndroht guitarist Alex

Levey concurred: “In the hall-ways, you can just feel the ten-sion. It builds up like therockin’ guitar solo in Identity(an original Myndroht song).Man, Spitting Image sucks.More like [expletive deleted]Image, if ya ask me.”

Asked which band he pre-fers, Melvin Hulvak (V) re-plied, “I don’t know what youare talking about.” RandyMcSpackle (IV) had a similarresponse, saying, “Isn’tMyndroht the one with thepolice tape around the bigguy? Um, they’re okay, I liketheir makeup.” Hunter Pippy(VI) answered, “I like the bandthat sounds like Blink-182. Itis funny when they choreo-graph their dance moves.”

Spitting Image guitaristDave Salerno is waiting forthe chance to take onMyndroht in a battle-of-the-bands competition. Myndrohtdrummer Ben Rosenthal says,“Oh, bring it on. Let’s justmake sure that there is extrasecurity before the school goesnuts over it.”

Shirley Manzarek (V), af-ter hearing about this possibleschool event, exclaimed,“Whatever.”

Poetry FestivalScheduled On SameDay as Food Drive

In what administrators in-sist was just a coincidence, last

months’ Poetry Festival hap-pened to fall on the same dayas the food drive, for whicheach student was asked tobring in three cans of food.

During the Poetry Festival,poets read from their pub-lished works, talked to the au-dience, answered questions,and held off death from star-vation one day longer.

“I couldn’t help but noticehow emaciated they were. AndI thought it was strange that

A FIRE EXTINGUISHER (IV)“Someone touched me by

accident three years ago. It wasexciting. What is Iraq?”

A WALL (III)“Being a temporary wall really sucks. Ihave this feeling of not belonging that

follows me around all day. [beginssobbing plaster tears].”

OBJECTS IN THE HALL SPEAK OUT

A WATER FOUNTAIN (V)“I’m this conduit of life and

nobody even cares. Howcompletely unfulfilling.”

A STAIRCASE (IV)“I just have to be more

careful in public places.”

BY ROBERT ZACHARIAS (V)

Throfish oroadw

PROHIProsecut

be Vi

C E N T E R S P R E A D


E W S B R I E F SITH AARON’S NEW BRIEFS)

that one guy was just wearinga barrel. He claimed that it wasa present from Pinsky, but Idon’t know,” said one Pingryjunior.

Dr. Susan Dineen, orga-nizer of the Festival, claimedthat the food drive had noth-ing to do with the assemblyand that the food was going toneedy families.

Poet Adam Mailer finishedthe Festival with a powerfulpiece entitled, “Please Help

Me, I Haven’t Eaten inWeeks.”

Teachers Offendedby Student Govern-ment Announcement

This past Monday, StudentBody President AaronSussman announced that“there will be a mandatoryStudent Government meetingthis afternoon at 2:00. All arewelcome.” In a fury, severalteachers walked out of the au-ditorium, complained directlyto Mr. Rohdie, refused to talkto Sussman and gave himglares in the hallway, and de-cided to express to theirclasses of impressionable stu-dents how upset they were.

Though no one made itclear what the exact problemwas, many have stated reso-lutely that “if anything shouldhappen again that offends me… well, you don’t wannaknow what I’ll do.”

When questioned aboutthis, Sussman responded,“Whatever,” and then wentback to doing his work.

Senior Claiming to Have‘Senioritis’ Feels Bad to FindOut Friend has Botulism

Maxwell Dooley (VI), aself-proclaimed victim of“Senioritis,” has suffered overthe last month from suchsymptoms as restlessness, lack

of motivation, no desire to en-joy himself, and a resurgenceof a past ailment, the “Mon-day Blues.”

After complaining aboutthis affliction to his friend andclassmate, Ricky Turner,Dooley “felt bad” to learn thatTurner had been experiencingdrooping eyelids, an inabilityto swallow, and paralysis ofthe respiratory muscles, alldue to botulism.

“I thought my Senioritiswas pretty bad,” said Dooley,“I mean, sometimes I don’teven take my backpack out ofmy car when I get home!”Dooley added, “But I guessRicky’s got it pretty bad too,with being unable to respirate[sic] and all.”

Dooley’s Senioritis hascleared up with the arrival ofhis ISP. Turner, however, willprobably die.

Slogan for 2004Prom: ‘Condensingthe Worst Aspects ofHigh School into OneNight!’

This past Thursday, theprom committee announcedthat next year’s prom sloganwill be “Condensing the WorstAspects of High School intoOne Night!” The slogan is de-signed to go along with therecently-decided theme of“Awkwardness.”

Students are, according to

one rising junior, “super-psyched” about this galaevent, which is being touted asa “night of constant humilia-tion, despair, and self-doubt.”

The perennial high schoolextravaganza will feature suchtraditions as rejection (before,during, and most likely afterprom), extreme self-con-sciousness, ungainly dancing,embarrassment caused by par-ents, ill-fitting and uncomfort-able outfits, crying in the la-dies’ room, and the ever-popu-lar trip to Planned Parenthoodthe morning after prom.

Mrs. Cassidy has alreadybegun making her annualprom announcements, saying,“Please don’t forget to bringin your checks for this eveningof existential nightmarish tra-dition marked by cripplingdepression, abject self-hatred,and unrelenting hopeless-ness.”

Pingry Mothers FillVoids in Lives withHigh School News

An increasing number ofPingry’s mothers are discov-ering that high school newsand gossip are just what theyneed to be fulfilled.

“After picking Lonnie upfrom soccer practice, I can’twait to hear about what is go-ing on in school,” says motherSuzie Witchly. “Of course Icare about how Lonnie is do-

ing in his classes and every-thing, but I just love to hearthe dirt.”

Upon returning home,Witchly likes to call her “girl-friends,” most notably JudithBanchi and Cynthia Kastrati.“Guess what I heard fromDebby about TommyRossdale [Pingry’s startingquarterback]! [inaudiblewhisper] [cackle] [inaudiblewhisper]”

“Ya know, I just want toknow certain things,” saysWitchly, “like who’s going toprom with whom, whichteachers might be gettingfired, who’s gotten in troublerecently, ya know … thingsto make me think I am still inhigh school and not leadingthis vacuous existence!”

When asked what makeshigh school life so interestingto her, Witchly responded,“Well, I have such greatmemories of high school. Go-ing out with the girls, being acheerleader, being PromQueen … Things sure weregreat back then … Yup, theysure were.” Witchly spent thenext ten minutes staring long-ingly out the window. A lonetear rolled down her face.“They sure were.”

Several QuestionWhether the Aware-ness Society Holo-caust RemembranceAssembly Actually

Happened

Despite the laudations thatthe Awareness Society re-ceived for their moving trib-ute to the child victims of theHolocaust, several are skepti-cal about whether this assem-bly ever actually took place.

“Wait. You mean to tell methat several hundred studentssat down in the auditorium andattended this assembly? I’msorry, I just find that hard tobelieve,” said one junior.

A senior claims that hetoured the auditorium just twodays ago and that there is noevidence that any people werein the room or that such a pro-gram was put on. Some doubt-ers insist that all of these stu-dents must have been off cam-pus during this hour time pe-riod, which would explaintheir absence.

“It’s not that I am an evil,hateful ignoramus,” said onedoubter. “I’m just a little con-fused.”

SOME WINDOWS (V)“I love my position here! I have thisgreat view of the courtyard. Once abird ran into me; that was neat too.”

A VENDING MACHINE (VI)“Some guys tried to mug me

once. One of them had a beard,so I assume he was a dangerous

and despotic Iraqi.”

SOME MAILBOXES (VI)“Yeah, we only get our news from theRecord, so we’re just getting over the

whole Vietnamese conflict...”

A TRASH CAN (VI)“Once a liberal was thrown into mefor expressing his views. That’s the

closest I’ve been to the issues.”

What do you think of the war in Iraq?

owingon theway is

IBITEDtors willolated


This is a picture of me when I grow up. I’m gunnabe a panda bear named Scruffy. This is Scruffy

AARON’S PHOTO ALBUMHi, I’m Aaron, and these are my pictures. I sure do like pictures. I hope you like them too. The doctor didn’t like

the pictures, so he sent me to another doctor who didn’t say anything to me about my pictures. He told my momsomething later and I saw her crying. Now I live with the doctors; they are my new mommy. Here are my pictures:

I drew this picture for a homework assignment. We were supposed to draw a picture ofwhat our house looks like around Christmas. It’s really hard to draw yelling.

This is my best friend, Wumple. He lives in the basement. He can’tcome upstairs because his eyes bleed on the rug. Sometimes we playConnect-Four. Sometimes the box lights on fire. Silly Wumple.

This is Shelly, my turtle. When he gets mad he hits the boys in his class and his teachermakes him sit by himself for the rest of the day and then he cries and gets even madder.

My mommy told me that this is a picture of myreal daddy. She says he left to go fight in the warand now is a short-order cook in Grenada. Mydaddy is cool. Almost as cool as my Uncle Fonzie.

This is my doggie. His name is Rabies. He dresses up a lot. Some-times he bites the kids at recess who make fun of him and throw rocksat him. He has to sit out a lot. He and Shelly are good friends.

This is Petey. He used to be my pet bird. He talked.Sometimes he talked too much. I was sad when he died.

Thank you for lookingat my pictures. I like youa lot. I’m going to gotake a nap in my box.

S T U F F


Faculty-Student Look-Alikes

Susannah Bragg (V)

Courtesy of Yearbook

Yvette Zimering (VI) and Mr. Neiswender

Amit Kumar (V) and Mr. Rohdie

Aaron Sussman (VI) and Cal RohdieLike father, like son

Sam Tasher (IV) and Mr. Raby

Ben Blonder (V) and Mr. Wang

Emily Majka (V) and Mr. Sluyter

Doug Ellwanger (V) and Mrs. Landau

Buzzy Cohen (VI) and Mr. Jaegar

Look at that glorious hair!

Such a good-looking display of manhood The only two people in the school to be seen relaxing.

Photos by David Spett

Recent DNA testing by our expert reporters uncovered thatmany members of the community are secretly related . . .

O T H E R S T U F F


A Bunker of Their OwnBY ROBERT ZACHARIAS (V)Many members of the

school community knowabout the new board room inthe Arts Wing. This roomserves as a meeting room forthe Board and is used for thisexcellent purpose for at leastseveral hours a week. Thoughit remains locked up and in-accessible for the remainder ofthe time, all of us here atPingry recognize its immedi-ate importance to the function-ing of the school—after all,the Board was previouslyforced to meet in the parkinglot at night using flashlights toilluminate school business.

Only a precious few outsidethe well-sequestered Boardknow that 300 feet under theBoard room there is a spe-cially designed Board Bunkerbuilt to ensure that thePingry’s senior leadershipmembers will be able to directall the vital functions of theschool even during times ofnational emergency.

The bunker was designedby General Dynamics,Halliburton, and Bechtel inconcert with the architects ofthe new wing at Pingry. Aspreviously stated, it lies ap-proximately 300 feet belowground level: exact numbersare considered “Pingry classi-fied” information and arewell-guarded secrets. Expertsfamiliar with bunker construc-tion believe that it probablyhas an approximately threefoot thick pre-stressed con-crete outer shell, then an insu-lating buffer including coppermesh to quell any EMF fromnuclear activity, and finally asix inch steel sheath surround-ing the “inner tomb.”

The entire structure is sus-pended on heavy springs

(much like the defense baseNORAD) so that in the eventof damaging nuclear shockwaves, the “inner tomb” willremain relatively stable and

wood leads one to believe thatthe room is very well-fur-nished with perhaps a woodenveneer on the inside of thesteel sarcophagus. A hint of

Halliburton installed them ata cost of a few million dollars,which we were antsy about atfirst, but they said that everycontemporary and tasteful

amazing experience.”Unfortunately, the Board

member concluded, “Theroom is off limits to everyonebut the Board members, so the

was supposed to have beenused for teacher salary in-creases, professional develop-ment, other campus improve-ments, very, very expensivecolor printing for various Ad-missions brochures, and thelike. However, this money wasactually directed to the con-struction of the Bunkerthrough a series of compli-cated accounting transactionsinvolving tax law loopholesand known federal auditingoversights of nonprofit orga-nizations such as Pingry. Sothrough shrewd planning, thedream of the Board Bunkerwas realized, all amazinglysurreptitiously.

In the event of a major (oreven minor) emergency, andsometimes in the event of noemergency at all (such aswhen Board members wish toshelter themselves fromschool responsibilities),Pingry Board members havea place to go to be safe fromall threats. We can rest assuredthat we will always have thecapable leadership of theBoard by our side, or perhapseven peering over our prover-bial side and watching our ev-ery move.

When asked for a finalcomment regarding the BoardBunker, the previously quotedBoard member stated, “I thinkthis is a very wise allocationof ghost funds towards a vitalinterest of all the Pingry com-munity: the protection andpreservation of the Board. Oh,yes, I forgot to add that in theevent of a national emergency,the Bunker will also be avail-able to protect members of thecountry’s leadership from any‘liberal’ threats or contingen-cies they may face.”

We don’t really know whythis writer sent us a letterabout Vital Signs, but wethought we’d humor him andprint it anyway. We have thespace. Nobody sends us anyletters.

Dear Editors,Readers beware! The latest

issue of Vital Signs, whilewell-written and masterfullyproduced, contained funda-mental flaws that should notgo unnoticed. For one, I amdeeply concerned with the di-rection the head editors aretaking, appointing trulysophomoric nincompoops tothe staff. Although some newwriters, like James Somers(IV), may be swaggeringlyprofound, their sheer naiveteand stupidity was seemingly

overlooked by the editorialstaff. James has written onlytwo pieces, both of whichwere atrocious. His first dealtwith the Columbia spaceshuttle disaster and argued thatthe space shuttle programshould be brought to a halt.Like most readers, I wasthrown off by the beautifulrhetoric, but was later as-tounded to find that this wasjust a cleverly employed mas-querade hiding tons of bla-tantly wrong opinions.

It’s not only the newbiesthat get me nervous, though.Some of the more “respected”writers are catching on to thesophomores’ conniving tac-tics, finagling sleazy opinionsinto pieces using excellentwriting as a façade. To put an

end to this criminal misuse ofthe English language I sat pen-sive for days, eventually arriv-ing at what I now deem thebest solution.

Rather than making drasticchanges, like slowing down oreven stopping the publicationof Vital Signs, the head edi-tors should take the followingsimple steps to improve thequality of the magazine:

1. Eliminate bad opinions–using a simple screening pro-cess, those opinions which arewrong or slightly askew couldbe set aside, to be destroyedor put in a sister-magazine,Flatlines.

2. Change the layout to ac-commodate Step 1– instead ofthe usual 20+ pages, one totwo should suffice.

occupying personnel will beable to continue functioningnormally.

The Wreckord was able togain access to the “innertomb” by permission of theBoard, with the condition thatthis reporter be blindfolded,wrapped in a blanket, with thelights in the bunker off, andrestricted to only a 30 second“peek” of the facility. Evenwith these relatively tight con-trols, this reporter was able totell that the room appearedexactly as any member of thePingry community would ex-pect.

A faint smell of expensive

burgundy in the air suggeststhe presence of a full servicebar. Faint cigar smoke alongwith the distinctive odor ofcedar leads this reporter to be-lieve that in case of a need forlong-term stays in the securedfacility, there is a fully stockedwalk-in humidor in the BoardBunker as well.

Speaking on the conditionof anonymity, a Board mem-ber described the room fur-ther: “There are many flash-ing lights on control panelswhich are beautifully inlaidinto the mahogany walls,though we are not sure aboutwhat they do exactly.

bunker has these types oflights, and what’s a few mil-lion dollars here and there?”

“There is a small dormitoryfor executive naps, whichBechtel installed for us, andwe find it very comfortable.They actually fit a state-of-the-art entertainment systeminto the pillow of the bed,which is quite an achievement.Plus, they did it for only a fewhundred g’s, so we would havebeen idiots not to take them upon that offer. It’s really quiteastounding to use the pillow;it directly affects your braininstead of going through thetraditional senses, which is an

wonderment we feel when us-ing our one-of-a-kind pillowsystem will not be availablefor use by other members ofthe Pingry community.”

But where did the Boardfind the finances to bankrollthis project? An inquiry intothe funding of the Board Bun-ker led to an all too obviousconclusion. The capital drivethat Pingry finished in 2000had raised $41 million, ahighly publicized figure. Thenew Arts Wing was said tocost approximately $12 mil-lion to complete. The remain-der of the money raised in thecapital drive—$29 million—

3. Those seniors whoplanned on relieving them-selves of their duties at VitalSigns by going to collegeshould instead take a PG(post-graduate) year to con-tinue their service.

These measures should beput into effect before the en-tire student body becomes in-fected with the radical and ri-diculous ideas of current Vi-tal Signs’ writers. In the casethat these changes cannot beswiftly implemented, a contin-gency plan — to be called“martial law” — should beenforced.

You’re welcome for theideas,

James Somers (IV)

Susannah Bragg (V)

The nerve center of our school lies approximately 300 ft. below this innocent looking table.

Letter to the Editors of Vital Signs

A D D I T I O N A L S T U F F


New AthleticWing for 2051BY REBECCA SPEISER (V)

With the completion of the state-of-the-art Academic Arts Center, theschool administration needed some-thing new to build, and they decidedon an athletic center. This new build-ing, which might be finished by thetime our great-grandchildren areborn, will match the new arts wingin design and have areas for everysport imaginable — and unimagin-able.

Traditional sports that requiregyms will be featured on the lowestfloor, where there will be 33 newgyms, all equipped with basketballhoops and bleachers. Fans and airconditioning will be installed in theceilings to keep the gyms freezingcold, and the real wood floor will bekept in mint condition through thehard labor of many custodians.

On the second floor there will bean ice hockey rink and indoor squashcourts as well as tennis courts. Thisway, all athletes can have access tomore than the facilities they need.

The ice hockey rink will be icedover all year so that everyone canbenefit from it. The squash and ten-nis courts will be in such abundancethat anyone who wishes to play willhave the opportunity. The designer

The floor below the ground levelwill feature an indoor track. This willbenefit anyone who ever feels anurge to run. In addition to the track,a bowling alley will take up the restof the floor. There will be ten lanesand, while the nonexistent bowlingteam will get first priority, groups offriends will be able to rent an alleyfor a night at no charge.

On the ground level, a newtrainer’s room will be built, filledwith every type of bandage imagin-able. To the right of the trainer’sroom there will be two rock-climb-

RECORD PRINTSSCREAMING HEADLINE OFKENNEDY ASSASSINATION

BY ROBERT ZACHARIAS (V)In the worst example yet of its

habit of chronically late reporting,The Pingry Record printed a scream-ing headline reading “JFK ASSAS-SINATED IN MOTORCADE” intheir most recent (May 2003) edition.The headline was barely noticed,however, as students and facultymembers have become used toanachronistic and non-urgentscreaming headlines in The Record.

The only comment the newspaperreceived regarding the headline wasfrom a history teacher, regarding afactual error in the article and not thepresence of the article itself. The ar-ticle had stated that “Mrs. Kennedywas not present at the time of the as-sassination of the president,” an ob-vious factual error, and it was thismistake (and not the 29-year tardi-ness of the reporting) that the historyteacher noted when contacting theeditor-in-chief of The Record.

According to the editor-in-chief,the article was printed so grossly latefor the same reason that nearly allRecord articles are printed late: a se-rious lack of timeliness on the partof the writer. The author of the ar-ticle is the late Millard Borgusan ’64,who had been given the assignmentto write it in mid-December of 1963.Notably, even if he had written andhanded in the article immediately, itstill would have been late news at thetime as former President Kennedywas slain on the 22nd of November1963, and the word of that eventspread almost immediately through-out the country.

Mr. Borgusan’s article arrived atthe Record Office two days beforethey went to press with their latestedition. They were desperate at thetime for any material to splash on thefront page since nothing actuallynotable had occurred in the schoolfor several months, when fateknocked on the door of the Recordoffice. It came in the form of a Mr.Ira Tannerman, esq., who introducedhimself to Dr. Dineen as the lawyerfor the estate of the late Mr.Borgusan.

He said that Borgusan had left anenvelope marked “To be handed into the Record,” with implied instruc-tions in his will for this envelope tobe delivered. Dr. Dineen accepted theenvelope, opened it, and found in-

would have been in 51st grade. Thisthen had to be translated mathemati-cally into a “form” number to matchthe Pingry convention, making Mr.Borgusan a Form 45 student. Follow-ing these calculations, The Record

You could look like this!Duh! We already knew that.

David Spett (V)

side the 29-year-old typewrittenmanuscript that Mr. Borgusan hadwritten for The Record. She was de-lighted to find that it was almost ex-actly 500 words, the length of articlethat was needed to fill in the frontpage gap.

Dr. Dineen gave the godsend (“Fi-nally, something newsworthy!”) toan editor who entered it into TheRecord computers verbatim andplaced it on the front page. There wasnot time to proofread the article, andit was never proofread by the author,so it consequently included severalegregious spelling, grammatical, andfactual errors, but still fit the 500word requirement, which was indeedThe Record’s only requirement forprinting it.

Unsure of how to write the byline,the editors quickly calculated thathad Mr. Borgusan still been alive he

printed the error-laden Kennedy ar-ticle with the byline reading “ByMillard Borgusan (XLV).”

Mr. Borgusan’s estate’s brief com-ment on the publication of the articleis reprinted here:

“Mr. Borgusan was known to pro-crastinate in his work and schoolhabits, which never carried any realconsequence in his life as he grewup to be a millionaire playboy livingoff of his father’s money. But had Mr.Borgusan been alive to see this tri-umphal publication of his fine jour-nalism, he probably would have said,before passing out from over-con-sumption of alcohol, ‘I don’t remem-ber writing that article, and I onlyvaguely recall going to that school.Pass the opium, you dolt, or I’llthrow a solid gold statuette at yourknobby little head!’”

feels that “the plan we have laid outfor this building makes optimal useof the space available and providesenough facilities for a school 25times the size of Pingry.”

ing walls, and to the left there willbe a room for extreme ironing teampractice and another room for theskateboard team (Editors’ note: guys,do we have these teams here?).

The top floor may have one of thebest features yet: a holographic roomthat will simulate downhill skiing. Itwill allow participants to feel as ifthey are really rushing down themountain at high speeds with thewind blowing in their hair.

On the roof there will be two turffields to benefit those who want toplay kickball, dodgeball, punchball,or any other childhood game.

The school is only allowed to havetwo single-stall restrooms in the newwing, but as one football player re-marks, “Real athletes don’t pee!”

The Wreckord has uncovered thatthe center was originally scheduledto open this summer, but the workstalled and construction lulled. How-ever, it has picked up again and a newdate has been set for the fall of 2051,certainly an attainable goal.

One freshman remarked that she“would have to come back for my500-year reunion to actually see thebuilding in working order!”

Susannah Bragg (V)

Nelson Lee (III)

Andrew Werner (V) imagines he isskiing in the new athletic wing.

SUMMER IS HERE!Studentsdeal withthe scorch-ing heat asthe yeardraws to aclose.

Investigation Reveals MissingNecessities in Art Wing

• Valet parking• Gold statue of nude Mr.

Neiswender donning fig leaf• Restroom attendents to provide

some of the services that LouisXIV must have enjoyed

• Bathrooms

S U P P L E M E N T A L S T U F F


BY SUSANNAH BRAGG (V)

Extreme Ironing

Students have recentlytaken up the sport that has be-come an international phe-nomenon in the past six years:climbing to the top of a moun-

tain and ironing clothes at thesummit. The official web siteof extreme ironing describesit as “the latest danger sportthat combines the thrills of anextreme outdoor activity withthe satisfaction of a wellpressed shirt.”

Mr. Keating, the faculty

advisor for this high-riskwhite-knuckle hobby, recentlyset a school record when heironed his socks, ties, andsweater-vests 17,800 ft. abovethe ground on Mt. Everest.Team Captain Ed Barsamian(VI) and his fellow ironistshave committed themselvesunswervingly to following Mr.Keating’s example and, as onestudent puts it, “facing theonly real challenge that re-mains in this world.” The teamhas also been branching out byexperimenting with ScubaIroning, which takes place sbelow sea level.

Some students do not un-derstand the sport. “Why?”they ask. “Does altitude con-tribute to flatter shirts? Is itmore effective to press clothesin the mountain air?”

These students are clearlymissing the point. “We do itsimply for the thrill of havingan unwrinkled shirt at the top

of a cliff,” explains Ed. “Neverunderestimate the power offresh laundry mixed withmountains. Oh, baby, is it ex-treme. Oh baby.”

Giant Platypus-Throwing

The school Platypus-hurl-ing squad was overjoyed tocompete in their first throw-ing contest last Saturday. Stu-dents took turns flinging hugeplastic platypuses by the beakas far as they could andbrought home an array ofawards for distance, style, and

JOIN THE QUIDDITCH TEAM!

KRAZY SPORTS TAKEOVER THE SCHOOL

BY CAITLIN BERGH (V)Have you been looking for

a way to relieve all of thatschool-related stress? To addsome excitement—perhapseven some magic—to yourlife? Well, I think I have theanswer to your sleeplessnights, a way to alleviate thestress of finals, APs, and over-due papers, the remedy to yourlong weekends of boredomand stress. Quite simply, theanswer is QUIDDITCH! Andnow YOU have the chance tojoin the second PingryQuidditch team in Pingry his-tory.

Now you may be thinking,“Oh, please, not anothersport!” I’m sure you’ve triednumerous sports and they justhaven’t provided you with theexcitement and relief you areseeking. But this is no ordi-nary sport, where there aresilly guidelines and rules. Inquidditch, the NJ league ofreferees is surprisingly lenientregarding violent behavior oreven use of magic spells.

Consequently, quidditchmatches are not only entertain-ing, but also shockingly vio-

lent and even grotesque asplayers are walloped bybludgers, knocked out by an-

gry opponents, and even putunder harmful spells.Quidditch is ideal for takingout all that pent-up stress andanger on the other team.

Now at this point, you areprobably asking, “Well, wheredo I sign up?” and luckily, Ihave the answer to that, too.The second Pingry Quidditchteam in Pingry history, (alsoknown as the SPQTIPH) isopen to all students regardless

of their quidditch or broom-flying experience. The teamdoes require that each new

these “cuts” but says, “its ab-solutely necessary to ensurethe success of our team. Noteverybody can be a winner.”This spring, the SPQTIPH hasbegun training to enter into theNew Jersey Quidditch Festi-val next fall, a festival that in-cludes over 60 different NJhighschools in an all day tour-nament. According to CaptainOliver Wood, “We have tomake sure we’re ready for theNJQF in the fall.” He adds, “Iknow we’re just starting out,but a number of kids on theteam have been playing onclub teams for years and Ithink we have a lot of poten-tial.”

Over the winter, thequidditch members practicedtheir broom-flying skills in theupper and lower commons,dodging people and swoopingunder and over railings. Un-fortunately, this resulted inseveral students receiving se-vere “broomburns” from theteam members’ brooms,which often travel at severaltimes the speed of light. ThePingry Seeker, Larry Potter,also practiced his “snitch-

seeking skills” by chasing af-ter a whiffle ball that asst. cap-tain Susannah Bragg wouldthrow into the air.

Now the team holds prac-tices daily on the football field.Since the school does not yethave an official “quidditchworld cup field,” the footballfield is an optimal locationwhere the team can pretendthe field goals are quidditchgoals. However, the quidditchpractices have proved danger-ous for people in the vicinity,as two Middle Schoolers were

member be approved by thesorting hat (a magical hat thatcan read your mind), but about1/3 of the people who try onthe hat make the team.

If the sorting hat sees thatyou truly intend to sabotagethe quidditch team or you areactually a spy from an oppos-ing quidditch team, you willnot be allowed to join. Assis-tant Captain Susannah Bragg(V) regrets having to impose

chased around the entireschool by rogue bludgers forupwards of three hours. ElanaWilf (V) “got hit in the footby a bludger when I was run-ning, and I had to sit out for aweek!”

The quidditch team hasdrawn a significant followingat their home Saturday games.SPQTIPH has brought back agreatly missed tradition ofmagic to the Pingry campus.“Its good to see people carry-ing brooms again” com-mented one sophomore, “andto see kids turning their friendsinto toads, to see people fight-ing over the dirt flavored jellybeans in their Bertie Bott’sEveryflavor Beans bags atlunch. I’ve missed that.” Ifyou’d like to be a part of theteam, it’s not too late! Not onlywill you receive your own freeNimbus 2003 and quidditchinstruction booklet, but youcan also purchase the PingryQuidditch sweatshirt, whichsays “Big Blue Bludgers” onthe back. So sign up today onthe Magical Affairs BulletinBoard and come support theteam!

the overall jollity they dis-played during the event.

Several students wereaghast at the idea of chuckinganimal caucuses for pleasureand began a protest movementto stop the team from practic-ing. They were soon informed,however, that “the platypusesare fake,” to which they re-

sponded, “Oh.” The sport hassince enjoyed overwhelmingpopularity. As the movie“Dogma” reminds us: “EvenGod has a sense of humor. Justlook at the platypus.”

Mr. Neiswender, in an at-tempt to expand the school’shorizons, has announced theaddition the following“freaky-deaky” new sports fornext year:

Goat racesRabbit skinningTrampolineMini-golfEat-a-thons

Nude OlympicsLongest Peel Potato Con-

testsRunning while holding a

sack of potatoesEgg runningEgg throwingKite festivalsToad Races (snails will

compete if toads not available)Gold diggingReindeer SleddingSheep-herdingMouse RacesSpitballMusical freestyle—danc-

ing with your dogGooglewhacking

Susannah Bragg (V)

Susannah Bragg (V)

Susannah Bragg (V)

A little boy is ecstatic over his medal for competi-tive pumpkin picking, a future Pingry sport.

“Don’t throw me!” says the platypus.

Go Idaho! Bouncee, Bouncee!

Eager students train for the extreme ironing tea in the hall-way, as fans cheer them on.

From mountain peaks to ocean floors, thebravest of men venture forth to iron clothes.

Break out the broomsticks, quaffles, bludgers, and the goldensnitch. Quidditch is in season!

Reach for that quaffle, girl!

S P O R T S

the broken wreckord 2003 - pingry school...the parking lot?” mr. neiswender responded with a...

Documents