TheCampbell Soup

Hi-Chew Alert

Campus Ethics Crisis

Robot Traffickers Exposed

Fire Hydrant Served

Rotisserie ShameMarch April May Sem. 2 campbellsoup@campbellhall.org

Are we babying our

students?

The Consoler Admissions Grief Specialist

The Oracle promised me I would get into my top choice...then I didn’t. I was planning on severely hurting him, but then I found the Consoler. 3 hours and $700 later, I am a new man. - Dominic Johns

The last time you came to me for a quote, he owed me $20. Now he owes me $50. The Consoler is go-ing to have to meet The Punisher. - Nikki Miller

The Consoler has an extremely similar jaw line to The Oracle. - Brett Lake

Ok, what the heck is a consoler?!? - Margot Kessler

The Consoler was the only person to help me get in touch with my emotions. But he always smelled like raw onions. That part was weird. - Ben Heverly

1 - 8 0 0 - C O N S O L EC A S H O N L YABSOLUTELY NO REFUNDS

Special Report

Robotics crueltyUncovering a campus scandal

MASTHEAD

Editorial staff:Chelsea DuffMatisse HaddadLexi KleinBrett LakeMatt RomanoMike Weinberg

Staff:Natalie AlaviCaroline AlfordMadison Bradfield-DavisIzzy BugattiKatelyn CamarataJustin ChangEthan Daniel Emmie DanzaSavy DeanCelestina DiMauroValerie GoschBen HeverlySean HolohanWilly HughenMayu KuchlerGreg RomanoKatherine RooneyRuby Wry

The Campbell Soup is not to be confused with the nutritious, easy to cook deliciousness that takes just minutes to prepare. We are a student organization committed to the improvement and edification of our beloved school through humor. Self-aware institutions can laugh at themselves, accept constructive criticism, and celebrate their imperfections; it is no accident that these institutions are also among the most established and well respected. Campbell Hall’s membership into the pantheon of satirized in-stitutions is richly deserved and long overdue.

Interested in joining The Campbell Soup? E-mail

campbellsoup@campbellhall.org for more information

1 ISSUE II, VOLUME I

Contents The Campbell Soup May 2011

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12

13

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10

9

8

8

3

2

Campus News

Fire hydrants gone wildStudents serve lawsuit to hydrant

Commentary

Community service One student sounds off

Haley ScottAn interview with Jason Goldstein

Classifieds

Health

Pie ‘N BurgerA dangerous combo

Crime Watch

Hi-ChewCandy trade ravages campus

Chapel News

Dubious danceA public cheating scandal

Overinvolved momsThe voice behind the voice

Policies

The Ferber MethodA controversial new policy

Faculty and Staff

Fantasy student leagueWikileaks exposes faculty pastime

Diversity

Beards: the other “other”Speaker addresses prejudice

11

pg. 3

pg. 12

pg. 9

First Published in January 2011to take part in “a severe contest between school spirit, which presses forward, and an unworthy, timid cynicism obstructing our progress.”

Editorial Offices in Ahmanson Library and also:Garver Gym, Lower Gym, the senior patio, Room 47, T4, The Quad, The Grove, Beijing, Brussels, Cairo, Chicago, Johannesburg, New Delhi, Moscow, Sao Paulo, Singapore, Tokyo, New York, Washington D.C.

Senior transition programA life preserver is thrown

9

New research on both pies and burgers has led the Food and Drug Administration to caution Campbell Hall that the combina-tion of the two food items may be hazard-ous to student health.

The FDA began reviewing the “Pie ‘n Burger Day” tradition at the urging of Campbell Hall administrators after elemen-tary school students walking to art class were nearly trampled to death by seniors barreling towards the lunch line after the final chapel of spirit week.

Dr. Margaret Hamburg, the F.D.A. com-missioner, confirmed that the meal ap-peared to pose a significant public health threat because the combination of the two foods in teenagers can lead to states of complete hysteria and paranoia.

After a review of the meal found no conclusive evidence that the combination of foods was safe, FDA scientists deter-mined that the “pie” in “Pie ‘n Burger” was indeed a dangerous additive.

The report comes on the heels of a

FDA cautions school about Pie ‘n Burger

2 ISSUE II, VOLUME I

To eat or not to eat?Health The Campbell Soup May 2011

Campbell Hall self-study conducted in Octo-ber that first suggested that students engage in riskier behavior when they eat the com-bination of foods than when they consume only a burger or slice of pie.

“It’s a recipe for disaster because your normal teenager is full after just one burger,” said Nurse Rachel McDermott. “The de-sire for pie masks the feeling of fullness and tricks the body into thinking there’s room for desert.”

Parents who had been quietly uncomfort-able with this spirit week tradition are now speaking up in light of the FDA’s study. “I know the point of Pie ‘n Burger Day is to get kids excited and spirited, but I felt like it was getting out of hand,” said one mother who refused to be named for fear of embarrassing her son. “My boy wouldn’t eat a thing for days before the event. He said he was ‘clear-ing space’ for Pie ‘n Burger Day.”

While administrators work to ensure that Spirit Week is safe, some students were sur-prised to hear that Pie ‘n Burger Day is a part

of Spirit Week at all. “To be honest, I thought it was just another chapel,” said Scott Shim (13). “My focus was entirely on calculating the most efficient route to the back fields from the gym.”

-- J.C.

Burger Pie Pie ‘n Burger

0

150

300

Source: McDermott, Rachel; United States Food and Drug Administration

Pie ‘n Burger MassacreChildren trampled, 2010-2011, number of children and food consumed

Student store moms were arrested in early March for illegally dealing Hi-Chew to students for more than five times the nor-mal price during third block.

Hi-Chew, a flavored chewable candy, first became available in the Student Store in January. Since its introduction, more than ten thousand packs have been sold, shattering student store records. According to Jocelyn Smith, Hi-Chew sales account for 73% of the store’s business.

With demand at an all-time high, the moms began to joke that they could mark up the price of the candies indefinitely and the kids would still buy. “I don’t think you understand,” commented Cindy Wexler, a student store mom. “These kids would sell their Range Rovers for this stuff.”

According to a report filed by campus security, the moms began selling Hi-Chew for inflated prices to cover heavy losses in their high-stakes Mahjong games. When a string of robberies left the vending ma-chines without Hi Chew, the moms found they could name their price.

Senior Skylar Jones believes that rumors of Hi-Chew addiction on campus are com-pletely overblown. “I don’t see what the big deal is. The way I see it, Hi-Chew is just a really yummy candy,” said Jones as he carefully unwrapped a whole pack of Hi-Chew to be consumed in one bite. “We can stop whenever we want.”

Concerned parents are skeptical that the school will do what it can to address the growing addiction to the candy. “It’s not that Hi-Chew is a cash cow,” said one parent, who did not want to be named for fear of the student store moms. “For some of these moms, Hi-Chew is the only thing that will get their kids to visit the store and say ‘hi.’”

-- M.W.

Chew on ThisMoms dealing hi-chew for 5x price

A string of burglaries have left the vending machines without Hi-Chew, causing anxiety and concern on cam-pus surrounding a possible Hi-Chew shortage.

Campus security have investigated the break in and suspect the burglar is someone “who no longer had the means to fund their addiction and took to petty theft.”

Moms dealing Hi-Chew were ruled out as suspects when security deter-mined that the burglar is likely male. A composite sketch of the suspect based on eye-witness testimony has been released, but security has no other leads.

If you have information that could lead to the arrest of the suspect, please contact campus security immediately.

Crime Watch The Campbell Soup May 2011

Vending machine burglar at largeCampus on Hi-Alert

3 ISSUE II, VOLUME I

Shady business

Another long awaited weekend is fi-nally here. Kids pour out of classrooms, and weekend plans are finalized. Se-niors walk excitedly to their cars in the backfield, while younger students dis-appear into a long line of luxury cars.

As the cars make their way off cam-pus, the students leave Campbell Hall, their little heaven on earth. At no point does any student wonder, “Is my school guilty of 87 violations of international law?”

But why would they? In their perfect world, a world under-girded by Episco-palian values, how could anyone imag-ine the brutal torture, neglect, and slav-ery taking place on school grounds? That would never happen. Not on this campus.

Except it does.In an unmarked shed, on the way

to the backfield, unspeakable horror takes place in the name of science. In what is more than just a storage fa-cility, a desperate whimper goes un-heard.

Forced to endure daily abuse and beatings is Team 580, the robotics team’s latest victim. Due to the cul-ture of secrecy that shrouds the Ro-botics Club, this reporter only relied on faint leads until an anonymous source agreed to discuss the inner workings of this syndicate.

Locked up for hours in solitary confinement, Team 580 has lived a hellish nightmare. If Team 580 does not comply to the robotics team’s

Special Report The Campbell Soup May 2011

exact commands, it is punished in un-thinkable ways.

“It was never enough for them,” said an ex-Robotics member, who wished to remain anonymous. “If the robot didn’t submit, they would cut it open and subject it to a smoldering iron until ‘the problem was fixed.’”

Head of Robotics team Karthik Gollapudi (11) agreed to be interviewed only after he was ambushed on the way to his car. He seems calm and prepared to defend any accusation of abuse cast on the “club.” Gollapudi remains defi-ant, claiming nothing is wrong with the club’s goals and methods.

“I don’t think you get it -- it’s just a robot. It doesn’t have feelings,” said Gollapudi, who has been trafficking ro-bots since freshmen year. “We build it ourselves, and if it doesn’t work we’ll open it and fix it until it does exactly what it’s programmed to do.”

As shocking as Team 580 conditions sound, many robots face the same bru-

Broken Gears, Broken DreamsCruelty of the robotics club revealed

4 ISSUE II, VOLUME I

International” have been hard at work in attempts to make a difference.

“We are doing all that we can do here at school to raise awareness of the mistreatment of robots. The next bake sale we have is to raise money to buy the robot out of slavery and find it a loving home,” said robot activist Amanda Gould (13), who has been fighting for months to stop the injus-tice.

With funding from major corpora-tions, stopping the Robotics Club will not be easy. But, in the words of our informant, “if no one knows, nothing will change.”

If you witness robot abuse taking place, please contact the administra-tion or visit www.heartsnotbolts.com for further information. -- R.W.

tal conditions. More than 1000 robots in the state of California alone are vio-lated in the name of competition.

These yearly competitions are where robots go to say their final goodbyes. Here, robots are put to the final test and coldly pitted against each other.

The Campbell Soup News Team conducted a swab test of twelve robots entered in the competition and found trace amounts of grease caught in the gears. A highly addictive Robot opiate, grease is given to the robots daily to coerce them to perform.

“Let’s just say it removes unneces-sary friction and gets the gears going,” said a local grease dealer.

Activists say that the Robotics Club’s days of exploitation are num-bered. Non-profit organizations such as “The Invisible Robots” and “Robots

Special Report The Campbell Soup May 2011

“This is personal.”

www.invisiblerobots.org

5 ISSUE II, VOLUME I

There are journeys that turn into legends. Bahamas Islands. 10:07

Sir Julian Bull and Julian Vuitton are proud to support The Campbell Hall Building Fund.

Tel. 818 980 7280 www.campbellhall.org JULIAN VUITTON

A dancer who competed in the ‘Campbell Hall’s Got Talent’ show will face the Academic Honor Board after publicly claiming to have knowledge about a cheating incident.

The student, Juno Wheeler (13), dedicated her performance to two un-named individuals and “anyone else who knows what it’s like to be cheated on.” Students and teachers were shocked that Wheeler would allude to a cheating incident so publicly.

Following the performance, Ms. Levine, the faculty advisor for the Academic Honor Board, tried unsuc-cessfully to get Wheeler to speak about the incident. Sources close to Wheeler revealed that she refused to divulge the details of the incident, and only re-peated to investigators that “everything I have to say, I’ve said in my dance.”

Because the dancer was not directly involved in the act of cheating, the AHB struggled to address the incident. “We’ll get her one way or another,” said one AHB member who could not give her name due to confidential nature of the case. “We cannot sit back and let her dance all over the integrity of the school.”

Dance interpreters hired by the AHB were confident in their ability to decode Wheeler’s dance. “Based on her elbow

To Dance the Forbidden DanceAdministration turns to dance interpreters to solve case of cheating

Senior Sophie Levine was disqualified from the Campbell Hall’s Got Talent com-petition after she was found lip-syncing to her mother’s vocals during rehearsal.

According to school officials, the stu-dent was singing Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” when a judge noticed a micro-phone cord leading behind a curtain.

The student’s mother was apprehended at the scene.

“All I wanted was for my daughter to be successful,” explained Linda Levine, the student’s mother. “She worked so hard on this song, but just couldn’t get the notes right. I thought if she won this competition, she’d find more friends.”

Students and faculty across campus have expressed their disapproval over the situation.

“I couldn’t believe that a human being could make such a beautiful sound,” said Math teacher Vincent Cimmino. “I still want to believe it was Sophie singing.”

When asked if the mother had done any of her daughter’s other work, she responded by saying, “I plead the fifth.”

The AHB has undertaken the laborious task of reviewing every assignment the stu-

Ethics out of SyncFamily disqualified for musical dishonesty

thrusts and deer-like leaps, the cheating probably occurred in an English class,” said one expert holding a pointer to a video replay. “See that there? Those turns say ‘research paper.’ It’s almost like she wants to be caught.”

When asked how she would testify, Wheeler echoed her earlier statement that the incident was a private matter involving a close friend. According to several students with lawyer parents, the AHB has no witnesses, no evidence, and likely no case.

-- K.C.

Chapel News The Campbell Soup May 2011

dent has turned in since middle school. An AHB member who refused to be named said that a 4th grade science proj-

ect in which the student claimed to have built a working fission reactor with no out-side help is now under intense scrutiny.

Teachers are now also suspicious. “So-phie once used the word ‘groovy’ in one of her journal entries,” said History teacher Mrs. Pearle. “I haven’t heard that word since Woodstock.”

With all the controversy surrounding the situation, the younger Levine does not seem worried.

“Whatever. If my mom wants to sing for me I’m not going to stop her,” maintained a defiant Levine. “I’ll never have to do any-thing on my own anyways. It’s not like I’m going to college without her.”

-- B.L.

8 ISSUE II, VOLUME I

New administrative policy angers students, parents

Students and parents are furi-ous after the administration adopted a new strategy to deal with petty com-plaints, based on the Ferber Method.

The method, pioneered by infant sleep specialist Dr. Richard Ferber, is used to teach infants to self-soothe so that both baby and parents can sleep through the night. This “cry it out” method is now being tested among high school stu-

dents who have particular difficulty accepting the consequences of violat-ing a well-documented school policy.

Already overwhelmed with their administrative duties, the front of-fice staff asked school administration to address the steady increase of stu-dent fits and complaints over trivial matters such as not having classes with friends, receiving a tardy due to

bad traffic, or having to serve detention.Headmaster Julian Bull decided to ad-

dress the matter and hired consultants from the firm Holt and Ferber. The experts spent three weeks studying the school’s response to complaints and called the then-current system “unsustainable and en-abling.” The consultants went on to rec-ommended that the front office staff com-pletely ignore particularly petty complaints.

For the front office staff, adopting the Ferber Method has not been easy. “I some-times feel like I’m being a bad staff mem-ber,” said an emotional Ann Blomquist. “When a student complains, everything inside of me just wants to console them and make their problems go away.” The support staff underwent hours of train-ing from the consultants. “I usually just bite my fist and try to read a magazine.”

Some students initially had a hard time adjusting to the policy, but the policy is already showing promise. Senior Matt Romano, accustomed to begging and pleading his way out of consequences, was confused after 15 minutes of whin-ing went completely ignored. “At first, I thought Ms. Blomquist couldn’t hear me, so I raised my voice. After a while, I thought she didn’t love me anymore.

“When I eventually ran out of energy, she finally looked up and said, ‘you probably should get to class.’ So thats what I did..” -- C.A.

Cry it out

Policies The Campbell Soup May 2011

Campbell Hall administrators have announced a new college transition program designed to help seniors adjust to life after graduation.

“This program is long overdue,” said Director of Counseling Louise Macatee. “We’ve noticed that some students, par-ticularly 13 year students, have a lot of anxiety about leaving. We’re committed to helping our student through this dif-ficult time.”

While the counseling office had considered the need for the program for years, the administration sent a memo last summer expressing the urgency of

beginning the program this year.“In recent years, we’ve had students

wander onto the senior patio the fall after they graduated,” said Principal LaGaly. “This year, we’re worried about the boys on the benches.”

LaGaly was referencing a disturbing promise made by the group of seniors that typically eat lunch on the benches near the north gate. These seniors, who have occupied those benches since their freshman year, promised to burn the benches to the ground immediately after graduation.

When asked what next year without

the benches would be like, the boys paused, turned, and said tersely, “get out.”

According to LaGaly, topics of the program will include, “making new friends,” “stepping out of your comfort zone,” “actually reading the books,” and “daddy can’t buy you everything.”

CH announces a new transition program for anxious seniorsBursting out of the bubble

9 ISSUE II, VOLUME I

Campbell Hall students and parents were shocked last week when transcripts uploaded to the document leaking web-site WikiLeaks revealed the existence of an illicit fantasy student league orga-nized by teachers.

The league, referred to in transcripts as the “Fantasy Classroom League” or simply “FCL,” began with a 15 round student draft. Leaked transcripts of con-versations between teachers reveal that some faculty members spent the entire summer preparing for the draft.

A teacher who refused to be named for this article confirmed the veracity of the leaks. “Draft day is a really exciting day for any FCL fan,” said the teacher, an admitted FCL fanatic. “You spend all summer trying to predict the valedictori-an, pouring over 8th grade gradebooks to learn the new freshmen, and doing what-ever else you can to predict what student is going to have a breakout year.”

Also included in the Wikileaks upload are documents that reveal the shrewd managing required to excel in the FCL.

Fantasy Student DraftNew documents reveal a dubious game among faculty

In one transcript, English teacher Megan Stephan remarked that she was building her entire team around first round pick Jenna Gale. Students like Gale, who fill the stat sheets, apparently have particularly high value.

Faculty and Staff The Campbell Soup May 2011

A wikileaks document reveals the scoring system for the Student Fantasy League. Teachers draft 15 students, who then

accumulate points for the team by performing academic tasks.

Saying “thank you” after a lesson (+10)Interesting question asked in class (+5)

Interesting point made in discussion (+5)“A” on a test or paper (+20)“B” on a test or paper (+10)“C” on a test or paper (0)

“D or F” on a test or paper (-20)Unexcused tardy (-5)

Missing homework (-5)Complaining or talking back (-10)

Practicing signature during class (-15)Eye roll (-15)

In one notable exchange, teachers were furious after a dubious trade sent Danny Manning and fantasy stud Mary Chieffo to another team for only Matisse Haddad in exchange. The teacher who traded Chieffo defended the transaction, stating that Manning was killing her team and needed to be moved; the asking price for taking Manning was Chieffo. Another testy exchange raised the ques-tion on FCL undermining the school’s integrity. In a transcript uploaded just last night, several teachers accosted Mr. Ray Griffin for what the transcript sim-

ply calls “grade deflation.” The teachers apparently felt that Griffin had intention-ally sabotaged several students grades during a week when Griffin’s fantasy team was able to slip into first place.

When asked about the leaked docu-ments, Reverend Bull was contempla-tive. “It’s a sad day for Campbell Hall, but the documents did show how com-mitted our teachers were to seeing their students succeed.”

-- B.H.

10 ISSUE II, VOLUME I

Speaker challenges audience to reevaluate Beardists assumptions

Bearded Like Me

The Garver Gym was filled to capacity as students, faculty, and parents gathered to hear beardist writer and activist Tim Wise discuss his latest book during chapel last quarter.

Wise talked about his recent book, “Bearded Like Me,” and challenged listeners to evaluate their conscious and unconscious biases towards beards.

“People have always marginalized anyone or anything that’s different,” said Wise. “Beards are no exception.”

Wise acknowledged that, while many people are not inher-ently against beards, they can be guilty of stereotyping because our culture is steeped in prejudice. Privileged shaved men and women have the “luxury of ignorance” to the everyday lives of bearded men and how they are discriminated against. Wise ex-plained, “in this economy, it is three times harder for people with beards to get jobs.”

Diversity Coordinator Rosa Navarro thought Wise’s speech, though uncomfortable at times, was much needed. “He brought up an excellent point about clean shavenism because -- believe it or not -- some people at Campbell Hall still have issues with

bearded people.”After chapel, students and faculty on campus reflected on

their long-held stereotypes of bearded men and opened up about their assumptions.

“My mom won’t let me date a bearded boy,” whispered Darby White (13). “She says they’re all homeless Communist fishermen.”

“I don’t get what’s so bad about beards,” said Skylar Jones (11). “It probably means you’re really wise or a warlock.”

In response to Wise’s speech, the administration has an-nounced the creation of a partial scholarship set aside for one bearded boy. The scholarship will be named after Mr. Wayne Behlendorf, a pioneer who unintentionally broke the beard bar-rier at Campbell Hall decades ago when he forgot to shave for three days.

Despite the progress made on campus, Math teacher and Coach Vinny Cimmino believes that the bearded still have a long way to go. “I grew [my beard] out in November for Beard His-tory Month, but I started noticing that none of my students be-lieved anything I taught,” said an intense Cimmino, who caved to pressure to shave the beard in December. “If there wasn’t such a stigma, I’d be wearing the beard all year round.”

-- S.D.

Diversity The Campbell Soup May 2011

11 ISSUE II, VOLUME I

A champion for equality

Finally speaking up

Campus news The Campbell Soup May 2011

The fire hydrant located along the path-way from the Garver Stairs to the Grove was served with a class action lawsuit after a group of enraged students banded togeth-er to take the hydrant to court.

The suit alleges that the fire hydrant has been the cause of several years’ worth of injuries to students walking to class and damages to personal belongings. The stu-dents are seeking monetary compensation for damaged personal property and deep emotional suffering.

According to the students, the lawsuit is a result of years of abuse. “If you look at where it is on the pathway, and how high it is off the ground, it’s perfectly set up to give kids a charlie horse,” said senior Spen-cer Wierwille, one of the plaintiffs named in the suit. “Are you trying to tell me that’s just some kind of coincidence?”

The case will be heard by the AHB. Be-cause of the meticulous AHB process, The Students of Campbell Hall have filed a mo-tion for an injunction to be in effect while the case is pending. The AHB order man-dates that students must walk up the stairs and through the theater’s side door, in order to access the grove.

“The High School Handbook protects students and their right to commute to class

safely,” explained Mr. Watts, a former member of the LAPD. “If the students can prove that this fire hydrant is violat-ing that right, then they’re going to have one heck of a case.”

An attorney appointed to represent the hydrant has vowed to fight all charges, claiming that “without this hydrant, there would be no school and no students. Even

the relocation of this fire hydrant is off lim-its, since Campbell Hall would not meet fire codes and would not receive CAIS-WASC accreditation.”

In what promises to be a drawn out legal battle, lawyers representing The Students of Campbell Hall are expected to call upon both Nurse Rachel McDermott and a slew of students to testify against the hydrant. Legal experts following the case expect the defense to call burn victims to testify in an attempt to manipulate the jury.

-- C.Di.

Fire hyd-rantThe Students of Campbell Hall v. Fire Hydrant

12 ISSUE II, VOLUME I

Gotta make your mind upwhich road can you taaaaaaaake?

join campbell soup todaycampbellsoup@campbellhall.org

I consider myself a pretty average guy: I put on my Prada pants one leg at a time, I try to avoid traffic by tak-ing the helicopter, and I’m tutored by the au-thors of the textbooks we use in class. But unlike your average

Community service is the new slaveryCampbell Hall is SO unfair

Campbell Hall student, I’ve spent my share of time outside of the private school bubble. I’ve seen how the rest of the world lives. When you’ve been everywhere from Cabo, Mexico to Monacco, France, you develop a perspective on the things that are truly im-portant in life.

I’m telling you: community service isn’t one of them.

With this said, I’d like to address what is going to become an embarrassing situation for Campbell Hall’s administration. After being told like some common criminal that I must serve community service, I gave it a sincere effort this last week, only to be told that my service could not count.

How incredibly offensive. I had to drive

myself to school, fill my own gas tank, expend my energy -- only to be told that driving is not “service to the community.” Try telling that to my chauffeur, who got to take a nap in the backseat while I drove myself for three full weeks. According to him, I was doing a huge service. And you know what? I was just beginning to think community service wasn’t bad. After all, I never knew a Rolls Royce handled so smoothly.

This is just the latest string of insults from the school’s leadership. There was that one time my English teacher had the temerity to correct my spelling on a paper. There was also that other time when my soccer coach subbed me out of a game. Did he even realize that my dad gifted the uniforms we were playing in?

But when you really stop to think about it, it’s not a big deal. It’s just twenty hours of community service. Twenty hours over four years is not much. In fact, it’s only .00078% of high school. It’s kinda silly to be fighting over something so small.

Glad we sorted this out. I thought I was going to have to actually do it.

--W.H.

Commentary The Campbell Soup May 2011

WANTED: New MomMust let me play World of Warcraft after 9pm on school nights. Fluency in Klingon a plus. (323) 804-0129

RoommateLook, I’ve never shared a room in my life. Stay on your side and don’t steal my friends. Also, your clothes are my clothes. (310) 488-7293

CLASSIFIEDS

TutorMust have no conscience and ask no questions. I also have a huge paper due Friday, if you know what I mean. (310) 866-6480

Group of studentsLooking for a class that doesn’t chal-lenge me in my area of expertise. I wrote a 120 page dissertation and have a phD from Harvard. You are 14. (818) 980-7280.

Full Court PressWith Haley Scott

This week, freshman correspondent Haley Scott caught up with singer/songwriter Jason Goldstein for an exclusive interview.

Haley Scott: Hey Jason! Thanks so much for doing this interview!

Jason Goldstein: No problem, I’m happy to help.

HS: I bet you sit at home and write love songs, like, all the time, huh?

JG: Not really…most of my songs have blended influences from jazz and indie/rock.

HS: NO WAY? I love The Rock! The Gameplan is like my favorite movie!

JG: Well, wait…

HS: Remember that song you sang in chapel? Were you looking at me during it?

JG: Well I’ve sung a lot of songs in chapel so I’m not sure which one you’re talking about.

HS: Well I have them all written down in my planner if you wanna check!

JG: No, no, it’s fine.

HS: By the way...you’re a lot taller in person

JG: Haven’t you only seen me in person?

HS: I bet you’re writing a love song in your head right now...

JG: It’s honestly hard to talk to you.

HS: AWWWW ‘cause you’re ner-vous?

JG: Actually? Yes.

HS: Can I touch your curls?

JG: Goodbye.

HS: TEXT ME!

13 ISSUE II, VOLUME I

Community Service HoursMust be a really fun hour. Also must be willing to round up my hours to the nearest 20. (818) 314-5446.

Latest GossipI feel like I’ve been out of the loop. Be original with your rumors. (818) 939-8687

SELLING:BenchesGoing to college next year and looking to leave benches in good hands. Must com-plete hero’s quest to prove your worth. (818) 456-6190.

MISSING:iPhone 3GSLost iPhone 3GS at school. Parents said if no one finds it, they will buy me a new iPhone 4. Please don’t find it. If you do, break it immediately. (818) 404-0516

© 2011 Campbell Soup