the compassionate friends apr 2011.pdffeature keynote speakers: david morrell, bereaved parent and...
TRANSCRIPT
The Compassionate Friends
Northern Virginia and DC Chapters
Arlington, Fairfax, Leesburg, Prince William,
Reston, Virginia and Washington, DC
VOLUME 20 , NO. 3 APRIL 2011
Inside this issue:
Calendar and Contacts 2
Washington, DC Chapter 3
Arlington Chapter 4
Fairfax Chapter 5
Leesburg Chapter 6
Prince William Chapter 7
Reston Chapter 8
Our Children Remembered 10
The mission of The Compassionate Friends is to assist families in the positive resolution of
grief following the death of a child and to provide information to help others be supportive.
Register Now for TCF National Conference
July 15-17 in Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota
Compassionate Friends national conferences have
always been a great healing experience for bereaved
families and TCF’s 34th National Conference, July 15-17,
2011 in Minneapolis/St. Paul Minnesota will be no
exception. With the motto “Shining Stars—Guiding
Hope”, the conference is now open for early registration.
Our members can register for the conference online or by
downloading a conference registration brochure from the
national website. If you don’t have Internet access, you
can also call the National Office Toll Free at 877-969-
0010 to be sent the registration brochure.
This conference, which is anticipating 1200 to attend will
feature keynote speakers: David Morrell, bereaved
parent and grandparent, author of the poignant Fireflies,
although perhaps best known for creating Rambo
(adapted to the big screen with Sylvester Stallone); Carol
Kearns, bereaved parent and psychologist, author of the
book Sugar Cookies and a Nightmare; Mary Rondeau
Westra who recently published her memoir After the
Death of My Son, and Mitch Carmody, bereaved parent
and sibling, author of Letters to my Son and presenter of
the popular TCF workshop “Whispers of Love, Songs
from Our Children.”
Besides great speakers, the conference will feature more
than 100 workshops for those with no remaining
children, and also a complete program for bereaved
siblings. Sharing sessions, a Reflection Room,
Hospitality Suites, Butterfly Boutique, and a complete
bookstore will be available at the conference, as well as
an orientation for first-timers. There will be a Friday
afternoon and Saturday evening banquets culminating
with a remembrance candle lighting at the close of the
Saturday banquet. Special entertainment provided free
Friday evening is the comedy “How to talk Minnesotan,
The Musical”, the longest running stage play in the state.
Sunday, the twelfth annual Compassionate Friends two-
mile Walk to Remember ® begins at 8am Sunday and up
to 1200 are expected to walk, carrying as many as 15,000
names of children being remembered (names can be
submitted online to be carried in the Walk.
Early conference registration is $85 for adults ages 18
and up, and $35 for siblings ages 9-17, and full-time
college students. Early registration ends June 10 at
which point there is an increase in registration costs.
Walk to Remember early registration is $20.
Reservations are being accepted for the host hotel, the
Sheraton Bloomington Hotel, Minneapolis South. Online
registration is available, as well as by contacting the
hotel direct. Special conference rates are available until
June 1, subject to availability.
For full information, visit TCF’s National Website at
www.compassionatefriends.org and go to”TCF 2011
National Conference—Minneapolis” under News &
Events.
April 2011 Meetings
April 6 (first Wednesdays)
7:30 PM Fairfax Chapter
7:30 PM Leesburg Chapter
April 14 (second Thursdays)
7:30 PM Arlington Chapter
April 9 (second Saturdays)
2-4 PM TCF Reston
April 20 (third Wednesdays)
7-9 PM Washington DC Chapter
April 21 (third Thursdays)
7:30 PM Prince William Chapter
VOLUME 20, NO. 3 PAGE 2
Arlington Chapter
Contact: Lois Copeland
(301) 530-1115
Trinity Presbyterian Church
5533 N.16th St
Arlington, VA
Second Thursdays 7:30 PM
Please send
“Love Gifts” to:
Kent Womack
1013 Riverside Dr.
Woodstock, VA 22664
Fairfax Chapter
Contact: Carol Marino
or Diane Burakow
Chapter Phone:
(703) 622-3639
OLD ST.MARY’S HALL,
next to St. Mary’s Historic
Church and Cemetery
Fairfax Station Rd
and Route 123
Fairfax, VA 22030
First Wednesdays 7:30 PM
Please send
“Love Gifts” to:
Monica Clark
5444 Ladue Lane
Fairfax, VA 22030
Attn: TCF
Leesburg Chapter
Contact: Bev or Bernie Elero
(540) 882-9707
St. James Episcopal Church
Janney Parlor
14 Cornwall St NW
Leesburg, VA
First Wednesdays 7:30 PM
Please send
“Love Gifts” to:
Mrs.Anne Shattuck
224 Walnut Ridge Ln.
Palmyra, VA 22963
Prince William
Chapter
Contact: Ken Adams
(703) 361-6574
Grace United Methodist Church
Library, 2nd Floor
9750 Wellington Rd
Manassas, VA
Third Thursdays 7:30 PM
Please send
“Love Gifts” to:
Melody Ridgeway
9366 Dahlia Ct.
Manassas, VA 20110
TCF Reston (for no surviving children)
Contact:
Nancy Vollmer (VA)
(703) 860-8587
Sharon Skarzynski (MD)
(410) 757-5049
North County Gov Bld.
Reston Police Station Bld.
12000 Bowman Towne Drive
Reston, VA
Second Saturdays 2-4 PM
(for no surviving children)
Washington, DC
Chapter
Contact: Olivia Gunter
(301) 552-2798
The Howard University
The Blackburn Center
2397 Sixth Street, NW
Washington, DC 20059
Third Wednesdays 7-9 PM
Please send
“Love Gifts” to:
Coralease Ruff
3314 Applegrove Ct.
Oak Hill, VA 20171
THE COMPASSIONATE FR IENDS • NORTHERN VIRGINIA AND DC
Newsletter Team
Editor
Peggi Johnson
Database Manager
Brenda Sullivan
Treasurer
Kent Womack
1013 Riverside Drive
Woodstock, VA 22664
Reporters
Arlington
Lois Copeland, [email protected]
Fairfax
Katy Frank [email protected]
District of Columbia
Michelle Lake, [email protected]
Leesburg
Bridget Elero,
Prince William
Jennifer Clark,
Reston
Kathy Grapski, [email protected]
Regional Coordinator
Kathy Collins
4505 Rachael Manor Drive
Fairfax, VA 22032
TCF National Headquarters
PO Box 3696
Oak Brook IL 60522-3696
http://www.compassionatefriends.org
(877) 969-0010 (Toll-Free)
Arlington Website
http://www.tcfarlington.org
Webmaster: Mary M.Bell
Fairfax Website
www.tcffairfax.org
Leesburg Website
http://www.tcfleesburg.org
Prince William Website
http://www.tcfprincewilliam.org
PAGE 3 THE COMPASSIONATE FR IENDS • NORTHERN VIRGINIA AND DC VOLUME 20, NO. 3
WHAT IS NORMAL NOW?
NORMAL is trying to decide what to
take to the cemetery for Christmas,
birthdays, Valentine’s Day and Easter.
NORMAL is feeling like you know how
to act and are more comfortable with a
funeral than a wedding or a birthday
party. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your
heart when you smell the flowers, see
the casket, and all the crying people.
NORMAL is feeling like you can’t sit
through another minute without
screaming because you just don’t like to
sit through church anymore. And yet at
the same time feeling like you have
more faith in God than you ever had
before.
NORMAL is having tears waiting
behind every smile when you realize
someone important is missing from all
the important events in your family’s
life.
NORMAL is not sleeping because a
thousand “what ifs” go through your
head constantly.
NORMAL is having the TV on the
minute you walk into the house to have
some “noise” the house. because the
silence is deafening.
NORMAL is telling the story of your
child’s death as if it were an everyday
common event and then gasping in
horror at how awful it sounds. And yet
realizing it has become a part of normal
conversation.
NORMAL is each year coming up with
the difficult task of how to honor your
child’s memory and their birthday and
surviving those days. And trying to find
a balloon or flag that fits the occasion,
“Happy Birthday”? Not really!”.
Steering Committee DC Chapter
Chapter Leader Olivia Gunter (Darnell’s mom) 301 552-2798 (h) [email protected] Co-Leader: Michelle Lake (Joshua’s mom) 202-421-6618 [email protected] Secretary: Vacant Treasurer: Coralease C. Ruff (Kandy’s mom) 202 806-5576 (w) 703 620-0236 (h) [email protected]
Hostess/Refreshment:
Cecil Robinson (Mary
Elizabeth’s father)
Members at Large Reginald Woodard (Reggie Jr’s dad) 202-806-9825 Siblings Representative: Diana Black (Amber’s Sister) 443-739-0223 [email protected]
Newsletter Reporter: Michelle Lake (Joshua’s mom) 571-227-3016 (w) 202-583-3292 (h) [email protected]
Asst. Reporter/Editor: Joanettia Grier (Jarrett’s mom) 202-291-8560 (h) [email protected] Webmaster: Tanya Smith (Darnell Jr.’s Mom) 202-305-9708 (w) 301-808-1007 (h)
NORMAL is a new friendship with
another bereaved parent and
meeting over coffee and talking
and crying together over your
children. And worrying together
over the surviving children.
NORMAL is being too tired to care
if you paid your bills, cleaned your
house, did the laundry or if there is
food in the house.
NORMAL is wondering this time
whether you are going to say you
have 2 or 3 children because you
will never see this person again,
and is it worth explaining that one
of them has passed away. And yet,
when you say 2 children to avoid
the problem you feel horrible as if
you have betrayed your child.
NORMAL is hiding all the things
that have become “normal” for you
to feel, so that everyone around you
will think you are
“NORMAL”.
Vicki Windham,
TCF NE Platte
Chapter
Chapter Information
Our next meeting is scheduled Wednesday April 20, 2011, 7:00-9:00pm. Please remember to submit your poems, stories, or a special note to your loved one to be placed in the May 2011 Newsletter by April 10. Please let us hear from you. Thank you for your cooperation. Michelle Lake, 202-583-
3292, [email protected]
PAGE 4 THE COMPASSIONATE FR IENDS • NORTHERN VIRGINIA AND DC VOLUME 20, NO. 3
As a general Kelly had spoken to and written notes to
many families who lost children. He tried to imagine to what it
would be like to lose a son or daughter. This would help him
find the right words to try and comfort parents. He recently
said, “But you can’t even come close. It is unimaginable.”
Several months later Gen. Kelly described the pain he
felt upon learning of his son’s death. “It was disorienting, al-
most debilitating,”…”At the same time my mind went through
in detail every memory and image I had of Robert from the
delivery room to the voice mail he’d left a few days before he
died.”…It was graphic as if I was watching a video…It really
did seem like hours but was little more than a second or so.”
Being the President or a General does not shield us
from the pain of losing a child. ~Lois Copeland, TCF Arlington, VA~
Factual information gathered from the March 2, 2011 Wash-
ington Post.
Passover
Passover celebrates the Exodus of the Jewish people
from Egypt. The word Passover signifies the 10th plague in
which God passes over the first born of the Israelites and
struck down only the Egyptian first born. At that point the
Pharaoh agreed to let the Jewish people go. The central mean-
ing of Passover therefore is the season of liberation and is
also the holiday of spring. Spring marks the rebirth of the
earth.
The meaning of Passover since David died has changed
for me. Those first few years I did not feel liberated. My
grief kept me a prisoner, like the slaves in Egypt. The watch-
words of both spring and Passover are rebirth and hope.
Those
words had little meaning to me. I lost my sense of
hope—my son, my David died. I feel more liberated than previ-
ous years and look forward to the rebirth of spring. ~Lois Copeland, TCF, Arlington, VA~
Love Gifts.
Mary & John Bell, in loving memory of their daughter
Susan Elizabeth Bell
Usha R. Charya, in loving memory of her son
Jayanth “JJ” Charya
TCF Meeting: April 14, 2011
Place: Trinity Presbyterian Church
Time: 7:30 p.m
*****************************************
Resources and Information
TCF National Website—general information on
grief, brochures and upcoming events. TCF National on Facebook; get there by becoming a fan, or
by clicking link from TCF’s home page
compassionatefriends.org.
TCF Chat Room is on the nation web site as well.
Survivors of Suicide, survivorsofsuicide.com
Parents of Murdered Children, [email protected] 1-888-818-7662
Haven of Northern Virginia, havenofnova.org, 703-944-
7000
SHARE (Pregnancy& Infant Loss Support, Inc.)
800-821-6819, nationalshareoffice.com
Washington Regional Transplant Community (WRTC)
703-641-0100,
TCF National Conference Minneapolis/St, Paul, July 15-17, 2011. See the TCF
Website for information on all conferences.
compassionatefriends.org. Reservations can be made for the
national conference at this time.
*******************
The Legend of the Easter Egg
One day a poor peddler went to the marketplace to sell a basket of
eggs. He came upon a crowd mocking a man who staggered with a
heavy cross on which he was about to be crucified. The peddler
ran to his aid, leaving the basket by the roadside. When he
returned, he found the eggs transformed into exquisite designs of
bright colors. The man was Christ, the peddler, Simon. And the
eggs were to become the symbol of rebirth for all mankind.
~Anonymous
Spring
Spring is the budding of the trees, the beauty of the tulips And crocus coming forth from the warm soil.
Spring is the liberation from winter, the rebirth of emerging Life and hope for the beauty of the season.
~Lois Copeland, TCF, Arlington, VA
Touched by War
Lt. Gen. John F. Kelly addressed a crowd last
November. He had one request, “Please don’t mention my
son.” Several days before the address 2nd Lt. Robert M.
Kelly stepped on a land mine in Afghanistan and was
killed instantly.
On the early morning of November 9th Kelly heard
the doorbell ring and he knew instantly that his son
Robert was dead.
VOLUME 20, NO. 3 THE COMPASSIONATE FR IENDS • NORTHERN VIRGINIA AND DC
In Loving Memory of Kyle Jared Sullivan
on his 23rd Birthday…
Kyle,
Your birthday is fast approaching and I am left
with only memories of birthdays past…
1st – you wore a blue outfit, had cake all over your
face and a Care Bear party hat (I still have that
hat).
4th - you received the present of a little sister-
Meghan - Your Birthday Twin!!
5th – we had to convince you that Meghan did indeed
have the same birthday!!
6th - Grampy took you shopping and spoiled you
rotten.
9th – The year of the Chuckee Cheese party - I
swore never again!
11th – You were too cool for a ―kid‖ party – so we
went to mini golf.
13th – PAINT BALL!!
17th – You got your first car but couldn’t drive
because you hadn’t gotten your license.
19th – You were in Kentucky and Meghan waited to
celebrate until you came home – because it wouldn’t
be the same without you.
21st - Meghan had a soccer game – you waited until
she got home to celebrate with her and then went
out with your friends – because it wouldn’t be the
same without her!
23rd – Your second in Heaven – Meghan will sit at
the table and blow out her candles (all 19 of them)
and I will picture you sitting with her blowing yours
out! You and her side-by-side on your birthdays!
The way it should be: You and Your Birthday Twin!
I will then go out on the deck, light a candle for
you, hold it up and sing Happy Birthday! I hope you
see it from Heaven and blow the candle out.
Meghan will make her birthday wish and I will make
mine…
I wish you were here!!
RIP Kyle
We love and miss you more every day.
Mom, Dad, Meghan, Emma & Jack
Welcome to our new members We welcome our new families with open arms:
MIKE & CLAUDIA FORDE
Of Vienna, VA, parents of David Forde
CATHY DiTORO
Of Arlington, VA, sibling of Michael DiToro
JESSIE WEDELL
Of Fairfax, VA, sibling of Scott Wedell
Sincere thanks for the love gift
Louise and Mark Foreman, in memory of their son
Will Foreman
Marcelo’s Spirit There are no two humans that have the same perspective or
an experience with God, but there is room for everyone in
my father’s house.
In April, our holy Father opened the door for our Marcelo.
Today, the years have passed for us, it is still painful and
fresh, sometimes it is hard to hold back our tears. Our
silent pain will be for life, but we will always remember
Marcelo with love. Our hearts will always have a place just
for him and no one can go there and we know God is in
control.
Today, on the anniversary we pray for God to always light
up Marcelo’s spirit, darling please be in peace in Jesus’
name. Dad, Melissa and I will always love you because
love never dies. God, please take care of our Marcelo and
send him our love.
Mom, Dad, Melissa
George Noble
George was a cheerful bundle of energy and brightened the
lives of those around him. He could be demanding and
even a little bit irritating to some, but his warm and caring
personality more than made up for these minor issues. He
died last year because he was concerned about something at
the feet of his friend, who was sighting down his rifle. He
bent over just as his friend fired. We miss him with every
breath we take. A George-less world is just a bit less bright
and interesting.
~Kathy Noble, George’s Mom
PAGE 5
VOLUME 20, NO. 3 PAGE 6 THE COMPASSIONATE FR IENDS • NORTHERN VIRGINIA AND DC
Leesburg Chapter Broken Butterfly of Hope
Several years ago, I was taking my morning walk and
thinking about my son, Brian and his struggle with
depression and his death by suicide. I prayed and
asked God for a sign of hope. Not long after my prayer,
I noticed a beautiful yellow and black butterfly in the
middle of the road. I knelt down and put my hand out
and the butterfly crawled onto my hand. I was
saddened to see one of his wings was broken so I
decided to carry the butterfly home. The walk home
was quite windy so I cradled the butterfly securely in
my hands. As I continued to walk, I felt that the
butterfly’s broken wing represented my son’s
brokenness from depression. I began to cry and was
overwhelmed with a sense that I was cradling my son in
my hands again and that God was holding both of us in
his hands. It was such a beautiful feeling of peace that
I was united with Brian and with Jesus. The tears
flowed down my face and emotion flooded my spirit as I
continued to walk home while wondering what to do
with the beautiful creature. Arriving home I decided to
place the butterfly on a flowering azalea bush but he
didn’t want to leave the warmth of my hand. My next
thought was to see if the butterfly was more at home on
the beautiful purple flowers of the ajuga. The butterfly
immediately left my hand and rested on the ajuga
flower, he seemed to be quite content. I watched the
butterfly for a long time and remembered that Brian
had planted the ajuga several years before he died; it’s
no wonder that the butterfly felt at home there. Later
that day, I went outside to see if my butterfly was still
there but he was nowhere to be found.
God gave me such a beautiful gift of hope in my
butterfly encounter. On that spring day, I felt that
heaven touched the earth. I knew that Brian was not
broken anymore but a new creation in heaven, healed
and whole and safe in the loving hands of God.
Beverly Elero, Leesburg, VA TCF
Dear Bereaved Parents, Siblings and Grandparents,
I pray that you will receive the gift of hope for your grief
journey.
A Warm Welcome
to Mayra Engel, Mom of Adam
to Kitty Smith, Mom of Jack & Julia & 7
Additional angels
to Steve Tickner, Father of Sierra Grace
The Valley of Butterflies
There is a green sun-drenched valley,
Light with a scent of clover and lilacs,
Where the butterflies dance.
Leaping and swooping, they reflect colors
Of every hue and dimension.
There are monarchs and skippers,
Swallowtails and delicate spring azures.
Each dances its unique pattern
Of flits, circles, and dives.
Stretching its fragile wings toward the clouds
Or brushing its feel on the succulent grass.
There are no roads, paths or gates
To broach the valley’s entrance.
Yet it is visited often in thoughts and dreams.
Every parent who has sent forth a child
And vainly waited for their return
Comes seeking in the valley of butterflies.
And there finds a beautiful spirit.
And brushing its feet on the grass.
Dancing in swoops, flits, and dives,
Drying its dewy wings in the warm sunshine of
forever.
Author Unknown
“The Butterfly”
In Christian art, the butterfly is often used as a
symbol of hope deriving from the Resurrection. In
its three distinct stages-the caterpillar, the
chrysalis, the butterfly-it clearly echoes the cycle of
life, death and resurrection. And how fitting that it
is only in its triumphant final stage that the
breathtaking beauty of the butterfly is revealed.
Anonymous
The Butterfly, A Symbol of Hope
A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam, and for a brief
moment its glory and beauty belong to our world. But then it
flies on again and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel
blessed to have seen it! A butterfly is our symbol of hope.
THE COMPASSIONATE FR IENDS • NORTHERN VIRGINIA AND DC VOLUME 20, NO. 3 PAGE 7
How did you survive MY Loss?
Five years after the death of one of our twin girls I see clearly enough to know that my husband and I have not survived such a trauma on our own. True, we've walked the path one stone at a time. The pain of traveling this path is immeasurable. Yet somehow it has been bearable, mostly because it had to be but also because of those around us-and you know who you are. All bereaved parents have "the few that remain", the ones that stay and really listen. You are the friends and family that see past the irrational behavior and inability to perform the smallest of tasks. You've seen us paralyzed over being asked to make a simple decision and instead of showing your frustration you chose to extend your hand to help us to the next stone in the path. You'll never know how much your "hands" have meant and still do. The path hasn't ended and I don't know that it will but I do know that its shape and strength change like the waves coming in from the Ocean. There are times that I jump from one stone to another with ease and times when I don't have the energy to crawl another inch. A friend of mine caught me off guard one day when she said that she wasn't sure she'd ever get me back. I've thought a lot about what she said and tried to imagine what she's gone through being my friend. You see, I wasn't sure I'd get back either and for a long time I didn't think I had the energy to come back. But those hands along this path I travel have held me up and helped me find my Strength. The "hands" have always been attached to hugs, ears that listened patiently and to the hearts of the people that I love most. My husband, my mom, my great friend Glenda, my wonderful sisters, my aunts and cousins and without fail-my Madison Marie. You've all done more than your fair share and put up with more than you should ever have had to. You've taken the hardest road with me by choice. That kindness can't be repaid. Being a friend to a bereaved parent must be an impossible task. It's certainly a thankless one that requires more patience and love than I can imagine. Thank you for your patience and love!!! They are seven little words but they speak volumes from you heart.
Stefanie Cutlip ~reprinted from the Arlington, VA March/April 2005 Newsletter
I Shall Be Glad
Poet: Grace Noll Crowell
If I can put new hope within the heart Of one who has lost hope, If I can help a brother up Some difficult long slope
That seems too steep for tired feet to go, If I can help him climb
Into the light upon the hill's far crest, I shall begrudge no time Or strength that I spend,
For well I know How great may be his need.
If I can help through any Darkened hour, I shall be glad indeed.
For I recall how often I have been Distressed, distraught, dismayed, And hands have reached to help,
And voices called That kept me unafraid.
If I can share this help that I have had, God knows I shall be glad.
When you feel Lonely
When You feel Lonely When a person you love passes away Look to the night sky on a clear day.
The star that to you, appears to be bright, Will be your loved one,
Looking upon you during the night. The lights of heaven are what shows through
As your loved one watches all that you do. When you feel lonely for the one that you love,
Look to the Heavens in the night sky above.
Author unknown
PAGE 8 THE COMPASSIONATE FR IENDS • NORTHERN VIRGINIA AND DC VOLUME 20, NO. 3
Spring is a time that might make us feel a little brighter...some days and sometimes not. This newsletter is
dedicated to the many feelings of spring. Maybe one of these articles will speak to your heart today.
Spring is Coming
If you are newly bereaved and looking toward your
“first” spring, you may be surprised at some of the
feelings you may experience during the next few
weeks. We hear so much about the beauty of spring;
the new life and the feelings of renewal that are
supposed to accompany this lovely time of year.
During my first year, I expected that spring would
cheer me up, and make me feel lots better. How
surprised and frustrated I was when, one of those
truly magnificent spring days as life seems to burst
forth everywhere, “I was in the pits.” When a friend
said to me, “Doesn’t a day like this really lift your
spirits and make you feel better?” I had to reply
honestly that I was having a really bad day, with the
sense of loss and emptiness greatly intensified.
Gradually, I began to realize that my expectations for
spring were unrealistically high. I had looked forward
to spring with the wrong kind of hope. When we are
newly bereaved, we are constantly looking for
something to take away the pain and make our lives
all right again. Unfortunately, there is no magical
event or moment when this takes place. It does
happen, but only with time and the grief work we all
must do before we can be healed. The coming of
spring cannot make everything okay again. What it
can do however, is remind us that regardless of what
happens in our lives, nature’s processes will continue,
and that can offer us hope. I am looking forward to
spring this year. I welcome the sun’s warmth, the
return of the birds from this winter in the south, the
forsythia, the daffodils, and the greening of the world.
Know that someday you will once again welcome
spring. Be gentle and patient with yourself and with
nature. Don’t expect too much. Be ready to let a little
of the hope that spring can offer into your heart.
Evelyn Billings TCF, Springfield, MA
Renewal
In the first warm days of springtime when the winter
chill is through,
Each waking thought and closing prayer begins and
ends with you.
Like the daffodil and crocus that survive the bitter
snow,
My soul is gently lifted up and is warmed by
sunlight’s glow.
It’s a time of fresh renewal, a beginning, not an end.
And, oh how much I miss you, my daughter and my
friend.
So I’ll take the warmth of springtime and hold it close
to me,
To help me through the winter storms till your face
once more I’ll see.
Priscilla Kenney TCF, Northshore/
Boston, MA
Forget Yourself And Give Of Yourself
• By seeking out other bereaved parents and others in
trouble
• By concentrating on others who are in pain
• To discover that We Need Not Walk Alone
• As a tribute to your child
The Compassionate Friends, Inc.
Reston, VA Compassionate Friends is a group of
parents who are now childless. We meet at the No.
County Government Center, Reston Police Station
Bldg., 12000 Bowman Towne Drive, Reston from
2:00 – 4:00 PM on the 2nd Saturday of each month.
Virginia residents call Nancy Vollmer at 703-860-
8587; Maryland residents call Sharon Skarzynski at
410-757-5049 or [email protected] Contact
Kathy Grapski @ [email protected] or 301-253-
5509 if you would like to put a poem or article on this
page. Deadline is the 5th of each month.
PAGE 9 THE COMPASSIONATE FR IENDS • NORTHERN VIRGINIA AND DC VOLUME 20, NO. 3
Dealing with Grief: A Sibling Viewpoint
Two things happened to me on January 11, 1992. I lost my brother to death, and I lost my parents to grief. My dad, the one who seemed to always have the answer to my questions, the "rock” in the family, the one whose job was to fix everything completely lost it. The fear, anger, and shock in his eyes when told that my brother had died are engraved into my memory. He fell limp in the arms of my mother and me in the emergency room at UCLA medical center. This was the first time I had ever seen my parents lose control. At that moment our roles switched.
“I’ll take them,” I said to the nurse as she handed me a bag labeled “EDLER.” It was the personal belongings of my brother. I quietly took them and placed them in my car. For the next three months, I seemed to make many of the decisions. It was not a courageous leader rising up to the occasion. I was the least common denominator. My parents, although they tried, could not help me. They were trying to deal with the tremendous grief themselves.
For this reason, I put off dealing with Mark’s death for many months. I cried and felt sad, but never addressed the issue. My friends were concerned and asked how I was doing. But no one, unless you have been there, really wants to hear the true answers. Mark was the only other person in the world who was a combination of my mom and dad. My friends could not relate nor would I want them to. I would never wish this upon anyone. But this left me alone to deal with it and I chose to put it off.
After three months I met a gentleman at a family retreat with a group of which my dad was a part. Kevin had lost his brother to suicide about nine months earlier. He was farther along in his “coping” than I was. I could talk to him about Mark, mention Mark’s name and share stories without making the whole room uncomfortable about the subject.
I saw someone who was dealing with it and it gave me hope. There is a certain vocabulary that you learn after going through this that no book, no story, and no amount of explanation can do justice. I don’t talk about certain things with my friends because I do not have the time or energy to explain (or try to explain) the many feelings I am having. Kevin understood. He had the vocabulary.
This was the first step into healing. I came to grips with the reality of my new life—different than the one before, but there was no going back. At this point, I went on autopilot. I remember many events of the three years following the death. My girlfriend and I broke up. My parents changed houses. I went through the many firsts, but just kept moving forward. I was not depressed, however. My lows were not very low. But my highs were not very high.
I became involved with The Compassionate Friends sibling group of our local chapter in the third year. I did it half out of
responsibility to my parents and half out of the knowledge that if I was running the meeting, then I was in control of how much sharing I needed to put into it. Kind of a control thing. To my surprise the meetings have become so beneficial to my healing that I am surprised at myself. By sharing with others, I feel that I help them and in turn myself. Many feelings, thoughts, or emotions that I may have thought were just mine, I have found are universal with others. After three years I began to come “out of the valley.” I can only say that by looking back. Hindsight has allowed me to see my steps of healing. I stepped into the role of being strong for our family because I felt that was best. Many others I have talked to mention a similar reaction. Your parents are barely able to deal with their own grief. The last thing you want to do is bring more pain on them, so, you don’t share with your parents.
Last July at The Compassionate Friends conference, many parents walked up to me and asked, “How do I know if my son (daughter) is dealing with this? I am concerned since they do not tell me anything.” “You don’t know,” I answered, “and neither do I, but unless you see something obviously dangerous, they are dealing with it in their own way at their own speed and you may not be a part of their grieving.”
I now have a different outlook on life. It is precious. I feel that in my new life I am closer to my parents. Each one of us has to live our lives 1/3 better in Mark’s memory. I value my friends and time more. I can handle stress much better. Just think of the alternative. I have become a better person by helping others. I like the new person I have become. I would trade it all in a second!
Rick Edler, brother of Mark, South Bay LA Chapter/TCF
From the Editor:
As I write this, one week has passed since the tragedy of the
earthquake and tsunami in Japan, exacerbated by the volatile
crisis in a nuclear power plant. I think those of us who know
the terrible pain of grief may be more impacted by these
events. While we can’t presume to know their specific grief
and how the surrounding devastation must compound that
grief, we do know suffering. We know suffering. I am just so
very sorry for what they are enduring and will endure. The
life they knew has been wiped away.
I feel a personal link to this tragedy, a link that seems ironic.
Four years ago we traveled to Japan with our son, Jordan. It
was a trip he suggested and one we were pleased to arrange.
To our astonishment, the cherry blossoms were in bloom. It
was an idyllic trip; we had a wonderful time. We could never
have imagined that we would lose him two years later, as I
might guess the Japanese could never have imagined what
would happen to their beautiful country. These external
events in Japan trigger grief attacks for me; maybe one day I
will learn to treasure these memories. I’m not there yet.
Peggi Johnson
VOLUME 20, NO. 3 THE COMPASSIONATE FR IENDS • NORTHERN VIRGINIA AND DC
Connor Wilkinson Apr 01 Caroline and Alan Wilkinson Fairfax
David Christopher Sheehy Apr 04 Laura and Daniel Sheehy Arlington
Nathanial Jonathan Fossett Apr 06 Ken and Tammy Fossett Leesburg
Jonathan LaBroi Apr 07 Alexis and Jonathan LaBroi Arlington
Marina Landi Apr 07 Federica Landi Arlington
Neale Thompson Apr 07 David and Angie Neel Prince William
Elizabeth Peterson Apr 08 Dolly Peterson Fairfax
Kelly Marie Stanfield Apr 10 Jack and Susan Stanfield Fairfax
Suhail "Sid" Chowdhury Apr 11 Anwar and Patricia Chowdhury Prince William
Jason Kenneth Duvall Apr 12 Kenneth and Sally Duvall Arlington
Marlee Rae Treger Apr 12 Paula and Steve Treger Fairfax
Christopher T. Young Apr 12 Carol and Tim Perry Fairfax
Mary Elizabeth Caldwell Apr 13 Jeanne and Bob Caldwell Leesburg
Sevi Suerdem Apr 13 Demet and Taclan Suerdem Reston
Jayanth Charya Apr 14 Usha Charya Arlington
Trevor Davis Apr 15 Amy and Brad Davis Leesburg
George Noble Apr 15 Kathy and Roger Noble Arlington
James Russell Dail Apr 16 Margaret Armstrong Leesburg
David Stephen Forde Apr 16 Mike and Claudia Forde Fairfax
Madelyn Ekhilevsky Apr 17 Nancy and Marty Mayer Fairfax
Douglas Wayne Hosier Apr 18 Wayne and June Hosier Arlington
Erin Stanfield Apr 18 Jack and Susan Stanfield Fairfax
Lynn Stephanie Densen Apr 19 Betty Densen Reston
Marla Thomas Barnes Apr 21 Laura Thomas Leesburg
Sean Tarsei Nakajima Apr 21 Hiroko and Kento Nakajima Fairfax
Holt Weeks Apr 21 Linton and Jan Taylor Weeks Fairfax
Taylor Augustine Noll Apr 22 Adam and Deborah Noll Arlington
Margit Kilvington Apr 23 Eva Klivington Fairfax
Camarie Glover Apr 24 Sharonda Glover Fairfax
Scott Peters Apr 28 Bill and Jennifer Peters Prince William
Andrew Rutkowski Apr 29 Pam and Mark Rutkowski Fairfax
Kyle Jared Sullivan Apr 29 Brenda and Tim Sullivan Fairfax
Leslie Ann Conners Apr 30 Jay and Audrey Conners Fairfax
John Silva Apr 30 Mary Reddy Fairfax
PAGE 11 THE COMPASSIONATE FR IENDS • NORTHERN VIRGINIA AND DC VOLUME 20, NO. 3
Brandon Tyler Beshada Apr 01 Sandy Beshada Reston
Adrian Gerald Buchanan Apr 01 Pamolyn and Curtis Buchanan DC
Nicholas Freeman Apr 01 Cecelia Freeman Fairfax
DeVaughn Phillips Apr 03 Barbara Phillips DC
David Pope Apr 03 Barbara and David Pope Leesburg
Kevin Eveland Apr 04 Alyssa and Jeff Eveland Leesburg
"EJ" Hubert Eugene Dill Apr 06 Veronica Dill Reston
Nathanial Jonathan Fossett Apr 06 Ken and Tammy Fossett Leesburg
David Lee Lauderback Apr 06 Gaye and Wayne Lauderback Fairfax
Jonathan LaBroi Apr 07 Alexis and Jonathan LaBroi Arlington
Julia Campbell Apr 08 Linda and Ron Campbell Fairfax
Matthew Pillor Apr 09 Monica and Mike Pillor Leesburg
Neale Thompson Apr 09 David and Angie Neel Prince William
Benjamin Cooke Apr 10 Valerie Fortney Fairfax
Brenda MacDonald Apr 10 Cathy Bowen Leesburg
Benjamin Gerald "Ben" Berry Apr 11 Gary & Denny Berry Arlington
Rachel Howard Apr 11 Marlys and David Howard Leesburg
Adam Powalski Apr 12 Rosemarie Powalski Leesburg
Siobhan Russell Apr 12 Lynne and Andrew Russell Fairfax
Adam Christopher Smoot Apr 12 Lynn Burwitz Prince William
Todd Richards Nicholas Williamson Apr 12 Syd and Barbara Williamson Prince William
Rob French Apr 13 Douglas and Susan French Arlington
Brigid (Sullivan) Healy Apr 16 Paul and Flora Sullivan Arlington
Mary Karen Read Apr 16 Peter and Cathy Read Fairfax
BB Nyce Apr 17 Lynn Nyce Arlington
Steven A McGrath Apr 17 Frederick and Nancy Schultz Arlington
Susie Li Apr 18 Raymond and Lily Li Arlington
Marcelo Marazzi Apr 18 Rosane and Al Marazzi Fairfax
Hailey Alepa Apr 22 Katie and John Alepa Leesburg
Elise Freeman Apr 22 Claire and Brad Freeman Arlington
Jordan McLeod Johnson Apr 23 Peggi and Jeff Johnson Fairfax
Colin Michael Koos Apr 23 Philip and Tricia Koos Prince William
Herve J LeBoeuf, IV Apr 23 Renee and Herve LeBeouf Fairfax
Tom B. Phillips IV Apr 24 Rhea and Dale Kilinger Arlington
Raven Gileau Apr 25 Linda Gileau Fairfax
Matthew Harrington Hale Apr 26 Susanne Hale Leesburg
Ryan Lopynski Apr 26 Jeremy Lopynski Fairfax
Taylor Augustine Noll Apr 27 Adam and Deborah Noll Arlington
Don R. Poehler Jr. Apr 30 Richard and Evelyn West Prince William
Patrick Cowhig Apr 30 David and Jesse Cowhig Fairfax
NONPROFIT ORG
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ARLINGTON, VA
PERMIT NO.348
Compassionate Friends Trinity Presbyterian Church 5533 North 16th Street Arlington, VA 22205
Address Service Requested
APRIL 2011APRIL 2011
“It is one of the beautiful compensations of life that
no man can sincerely try to help another without
helping himself.” Ralph Waldo Emerson