The Effects of Parental The Effects of Parental Divorce on Young Adults’ Divorce on Young Adults’ Intimate Relationships: Intimate Relationships:

Implications for CounselingImplications for Counseling

Jane SlomskiJane SlomskiNovember 28, 2005November 28, 2005

Issue and ApplicationIssue and Application Past research has shown that parental divorce Past research has shown that parental divorce

creates difficulty for children in their own intimate creates difficulty for children in their own intimate relationships when they reach adulthoodrelationships when they reach adulthood

To what extent is this true and what can be done To what extent is this true and what can be done to help couples with concerns about their own to help couples with concerns about their own marital stability?marital stability?

Application: People who come from religious Application: People who come from religious backgrounds have difficulty seeking help from backgrounds have difficulty seeking help from their spiritual communitiestheir spiritual communities

Provide awareness and educationProvide awareness and education

Attachment TheoryAttachment TheoryBowlby’s attachment theory:Bowlby’s attachment theory:

Ability to form lasting adult relationships Ability to form lasting adult relationships depends on attachment to adults in childhooddepends on attachment to adults in childhood

Secure attachment = supportive, encouraging Secure attachment = supportive, encouraging parents who set boundaries and realistic parents who set boundaries and realistic expectationsexpectations

Insecure attachment = overprotective, Insecure attachment = overprotective, unrealistic expectations; foster dependence in unrealistic expectations; foster dependence in children; children more likely to be in children; children more likely to be in unhealthy, insecure, dependent relationshipsunhealthy, insecure, dependent relationships

Divorce and AttachmentDivorce and Attachment Hayashi & Strickland: Divorce as an Attachment Hayashi & Strickland: Divorce as an Attachment

DisruptionDisruption Hypothesis: Children who experience parental divorce Hypothesis: Children who experience parental divorce

will fare worse because attachment to parental figures is will fare worse because attachment to parental figures is disrupted by trauma of divorcedisrupted by trauma of divorce

Found that divorce itself not a factor in attachment to Found that divorce itself not a factor in attachment to parentsparents

A healthy relationship with at least one parental figure A healthy relationship with at least one parental figure (not necessarily biological) during divorce allowed for (not necessarily biological) during divorce allowed for healthy resolution of divorce experiencehealthy resolution of divorce experience

Love & Murdock: Intact and stepfamilies have same Love & Murdock: Intact and stepfamilies have same need for attachment and stepparents can satisfy need need for attachment and stepparents can satisfy need for attachmentfor attachment

Integration of Divorce ExperienceIntegration of Divorce Experience

Shulman et. al: “integration” occurs when one Shulman et. al: “integration” occurs when one can look back on experience with insight and can look back on experience with insight and acknowledge reality while looking forward to acknowledge reality while looking forward to futurefuture

Children with “integrated” perception of parents’ Children with “integrated” perception of parents’ divorce reported positive experiences, fulfilling divorce reported positive experiences, fulfilling relationships and better self esteem than those relationships and better self esteem than those who were not “integrated.” (Inability to remember who were not “integrated.” (Inability to remember details, denial; of parents’ divorce linked to details, denial; of parents’ divorce linked to insecurity and lack of trust in relationships)insecurity and lack of trust in relationships)

Divorce & TrustDivorce & Trust Past research has found parental divorce related Past research has found parental divorce related

to general lack of trust in intimate relationshipsto general lack of trust in intimate relationships Need for commitment and attachment may lead Need for commitment and attachment may lead

to unhealthily dependent relationshipsto unhealthily dependent relationships King: Secure attachment cannot exist without King: Secure attachment cannot exist without

trusttrust Effects of divorce on trust not significant if Effects of divorce on trust not significant if

secure attachment to at least one adult in secure attachment to at least one adult in childhoodchildhood

More likely to form close relationships with More likely to form close relationships with mothersmothers

Inter-Parental ConflictInter-Parental Conflict Riggio: Adults who report high level of conflict in Riggio: Adults who report high level of conflict in

parents’ marriages also report lower levels of parents’ marriages also report lower levels of satisfaction with own intimate relationshipssatisfaction with own intimate relationships

Have seen parents’ marriages fail Have seen parents’ marriages fail Bring maladaptive conflict resolution styles to Bring maladaptive conflict resolution styles to

own relationshipsown relationships Feel Feel lessless anxiety about entering relationship anxiety about entering relationship

(possibly due to more realistic expectations and (possibly due to more realistic expectations and recognition of divorce as an option?) (contrary to recognition of divorce as an option?) (contrary to other research)other research)

May be hyper-vigilant about conflict in own May be hyper-vigilant about conflict in own relationshiprelationship

Divorce During AdolescenceDivorce During Adolescence Richardson & McCabe: children whose parents Richardson & McCabe: children whose parents

divorced during their adolescence reported more divorced during their adolescence reported more stress, anxiety, depression, fewer social stress, anxiety, depression, fewer social interactions, and lower self concept than those interactions, and lower self concept than those in intact familiesin intact families

“ “Spillover” effect- conflict from parents spills Spillover” effect- conflict from parents spills over into young adults’ own relationshipsover into young adults’ own relationships

Did not have significant effect on opposite sex Did not have significant effect on opposite sex relations; teenagers may rely more on outside relations; teenagers may rely more on outside sources for emotional supportsources for emotional support

Implications for Young Adults’ Implications for Young Adults’ Intimate RelationshipsIntimate Relationships

Wolfinger: inter-generational transmission theory- Wolfinger: inter-generational transmission theory- children of divorced parents are more likely to marry children of divorced parents are more likely to marry other children also from divorced parentsother children also from divorced parents

Family structure homogamy-Family structure homogamy- we form families similar to we form families similar to the ones we were raised inthe ones we were raised in

Spouses who were both raised in divorced households Spouses who were both raised in divorced households have increased chances of divorce themselveshave increased chances of divorce themselves

Bring maladaptive communication skills learned from Bring maladaptive communication skills learned from parents to own marriageparents to own marriage

Marrying young = not adequate time to develop effective Marrying young = not adequate time to develop effective communication skillscommunication skills

ACD more likely to marry young; in search of ACD more likely to marry young; in search of commitment and acceptancecommitment and acceptance

Relationship Ideals Relationship Ideals Conway et al: compared relationship ideals of Conway et al: compared relationship ideals of

intimacy and loyalty vs. passionintimacy and loyalty vs. passion between between adult children of divorce and children from intact adult children of divorce and children from intact familiesfamilies

ACD- rated intimacy/loyalty higher than those ACD- rated intimacy/loyalty higher than those from intact families as a whole; affection, from intact families as a whole; affection, stability, commitment, support, acceptancestability, commitment, support, acceptance

Male ACD rated more ideals higher as a whole Male ACD rated more ideals higher as a whole than males from intact families than males from intact families

Religion & DivorceReligion & Divorce There is a widespread need for education about and There is a widespread need for education about and

understanding of divorce in religious communitiesunderstanding of divorce in religious communities

Clergy leaders report feeling inadequately prepared to Clergy leaders report feeling inadequately prepared to counsel those having marital difficultiescounsel those having marital difficulties

Many religious sects discourage divorce to the point that Many religious sects discourage divorce to the point that those having marital problems are ashamed to ask for helpthose having marital problems are ashamed to ask for help

People are unaware of the many resources available to themPeople are unaware of the many resources available to them Experience depression, anxiety, isolation, despairExperience depression, anxiety, isolation, despair Feel rejected by religious community that was previously a Feel rejected by religious community that was previously a

source of support source of support Important for counselors to be sensitive the importance of Important for counselors to be sensitive the importance of

spirituality in the lives of their clientsspirituality in the lives of their clients

Marriage Counseling StepsMarriage Counseling Steps Couples counseling should focus on tackling problems Couples counseling should focus on tackling problems

as a team, not on the couple as individualsas a team, not on the couple as individuals View problems as separate from the relationshipView problems as separate from the relationship Focus on strengths of each person and how strengths Focus on strengths of each person and how strengths

can contribute to solving the problem; emphasize can contribute to solving the problem; emphasize intimacy, trust and teamworkintimacy, trust and teamwork

1.1. Set common goals/ remove individual blameSet common goals/ remove individual blame2.2. Realize that the problem is solvableRealize that the problem is solvable3.3. Come up with a solutionCome up with a solution4.4. Make mutual commitment to long term changeMake mutual commitment to long term change5.5. Enact the solution behavior; solve the problemEnact the solution behavior; solve the problem6.6. Maintain the behavior; backtrack if necessary Maintain the behavior; backtrack if necessary 7.7. Address how to solve problems in the futureAddress how to solve problems in the future

PREP (Preventative Relationship PREP (Preventative Relationship Enhancement Program)Enhancement Program)

Works with both secular and religious groups Works with both secular and religious groups Equal success with both lay and clergy leadersEqual success with both lay and clergy leaders Basic premise: harmful interaction patterns that Basic premise: harmful interaction patterns that

threaten the security of the spousal relationship threaten the security of the spousal relationship can be changed (criticism)can be changed (criticism)

Makes people aware of these patterns and how Makes people aware of these patterns and how they can avoid and conquer marital problems they can avoid and conquer marital problems before they head for divorcebefore they head for divorce

Couples who participated in PREP reported Couples who participated in PREP reported fewer negative interactions and more positive fewer negative interactions and more positive interactions than those in other secular marriage interactions than those in other secular marriage counseling programs counseling programs

ConclusionsConclusions Parental divorce does not necessarily mean divorce is Parental divorce does not necessarily mean divorce is

inevitable for childreninevitable for children High quality attachment to adult figure is correlated with High quality attachment to adult figure is correlated with

better outcome of divorce for childrenbetter outcome of divorce for children Trust is correlated with secure attachmentTrust is correlated with secure attachment Inter-parental conflict is significant to psychological Inter-parental conflict is significant to psychological

adjustment but may be lessened by social influences adjustment but may be lessened by social influences outside the homeoutside the home

There is a tendency to form families like those we were There is a tendency to form families like those we were raised in; children of divorce tend to marry each other; raised in; children of divorce tend to marry each other; promote maladaptive behaviorspromote maladaptive behaviors

ConclusionsConclusions Awareness Awareness

Communication; discussionCommunication; discussion Pre-marital or marital counselingPre-marital or marital counseling

Religious organizations can be better prepared to Religious organizations can be better prepared to help couples with problemshelp couples with problems

Support those considering divorce in religious Support those considering divorce in religious communitiescommunities No shame in asking for helpNo shame in asking for help Early intervention might cut down on number of Early intervention might cut down on number of

divorcesdivorces