A Socialist Marxist Radically Rightwing Publication of Leigh High School

April 1, 2011Volume 49 Issue No. 6

From dodgeball to dancingProm relocated to gymnasium due to overbooking

Hayes Mansion, Club Autosport, the Fairmont Hotel - Leigh has a history of sending its upperclassmen off in style for the summer. This year’s prom was supposed to be a return to a favorite classy venue, the Fair-mont Hotel. The date was set, the booking placed, and the reservation confirmed. Or so the prom committee believed. “God, the call. I got a call during my Pre-calc class, I missed it because we had a test that period. I called them back after school and it was the Fair-mont. They were really apologetic and the lady we made the booking with was upset,” said junior Amanda Cendejas. “It turns out that they had double-booked the ballroom we reserved. A cou-ple had booked it the week before, the same ballroom, for the same day, for their wedding. Apparently, the hotel changed their reservation software or something and the system showed that our day,

May 14, was free that day, even though the wedding was already reserved,” said senior Jessica Egbert, who immediately called an emergency meeting for the prom committee. Un f o r t u -nately, good news was not to be had. After inter-views, many di-rect quotes could not be published due to explicit language. This is the gist of what they said: “Prom can’t be at the Fair-mont. It’s too late to book a different place unless it’s someplace lame like rent-ing out Chevy’s for the night. So... Prom is being relocated to the gym.” “I know people will be upset. I expect to be fielding many complaints and protests. But it needs to be under-stood that it is too late to reserve an-other venue for prom of comparable

niceness like the Fairmont or a cool place like Club Autosport. Those places expect reservations to be made in advance by at least two months, so the deadline has passed,” said activities director Gina

Nicoletta. “We had very few op-tions to choose from. The Fair-mont gave us alternative dates, but we can’t do it earlier because of AP testing and later, people have basically planned their month out and counted on the date of prom

to never change.” The Fairmont hotel returned the usually nonrefundable deposit back to the prom committee as an apology and gesture of good will for future proms. The prom committee is taking the glass half-full approach, seeing this as money freed up in the budget.

“By moving it to the gym, we have a free venue and extra money to spend on having really fantastic lighting, deco-rations, and afford the awesome dessert platters that we loved but originally let go because they’re too pricey,” said Nicoletta. The administration and the prom committee hope that enjoyment of prom will not be diminished by its relocation. “We’re really trying to make it re-ally awesome in the gym. We got bet-ter lighting and decorations, and you’re going to love the dessert selections we’ll have out for you. Fairmont or not, it’ll still be dark, the music loud, and all your friends are going to be there danc-ing,” said Egbert, expressing optimism about prom’s reception. Additionally, this prom reloca-tion hoax has been brought to you by Annie Jung, who would like to give special thanks to Ms. Nicoletta for helping to propagate and maintain this charade. Upperclassmen, panic not, for prom is still at the Fairmont. Your money on dresses and limo reservations have not been wast-ed. Annie says: “Psyche, Leigh High.”

Your Events Calendar

Contents

Apr. 1: Stanford Zombie Luncheon Blood Drive in cafeteria, 7:30 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.Apr. 11-15: Spring BreakApr. 1: Home and School Club meetingApr. 22: Class and ASB electionsApr. 26: STAR testingApr. 26: Sports Booster parent meetingApr. 27: STAR testingApr. 28: STAR testingApr. 29: STAR testingApr. 29: Relay for Life at Union Middle School, starts at 6:00 p.m. and ends at 6 a.m. on Apr. 30Apr. 29: Minumum day, end of 12-week

Chris switches teams (Page str8)

How to survive the apocalypse (Page 2,012)

Rebecca Black’s Friday review (Page 13)

Senioritis article (Page you-find-it)

“”

We had very few options to choose from. By moving it to the gym, we have a free venue and extra money to spend on having really fantastic lighting...

- Gina Nicoletta, activities director

2011-12 Advanced Placement course offerings reduced in effort to renovate Leigh’s aging pool

Annie JungEditor-in-chief

Coat check

DJ standPhoto station

Chocolate fountain

Refreshments

Tables

Entrance

Beginning next school year, Leigh will do away with several AP courses. The portion of the budget dedicated to funding such courses will be allocated to campus safety upgrades, namely a pool remodel. During a routine campus inspec-tion preformed in January of this year, it was observed that Leigh’s three-foot-deep, six lane, 30-year-old racing pool does not meet the safety requirments for high school aquatic facilities. The California Association for Juvenile Water Safety threatened to forcibly close the pool and dissolve the swim team unless Leigh administarion could quickly bring the facility up to standards. Faced with a grim decision, Leigh staff agreed to eliminate 3 AP classes in

favor of beginning construction of a brand new, Olympic-sized pool - one that will be built in the current location of the racing pool and diving well and hopefully last for the next 60 years. School administators have been doing their best to keep the new plans quiet, for the predicted backlash from such a proposal is significant. Many college-bound students worry that a lack of advanced courses would make their credentials less com-petitive in the applicant pools of top univerisites. “One measure of Leigh’s great-ness is the fact it prepares students to continue their education at amazing colleges,” commented senior Clara Luu. “This year alone two seniors have gotten accepted to Stanford, one has gotten into Yale, a handful have gotten into Cal and UCLA, and dozens more to other promising schools - often to

their first choices. I think that the rigor of our course schedule at Leigh is what really sets us apart.” Administrators have not yet re-leased which classes are to be elimi-nated, and students can only hope that their favorite subjects will not be on the chopping block. “I want to be a mechanical in-gineer, so I really hope that they don’t cut AP Physics or AP Calculus,” said sophomore Marshall Robbins. “I don’t mind if they cut English, but then again, if I were planning on majoring in English I might think differently.” In the mean time, the swim team is relieved to know that their team of over 70 members will continue to exist and thrive. After sending consistantly sending boys and girls relays to CCS for several years, current captains Kev-in Drake and Charolette James agree that a pool upgrade is “well deserved.”

Maddy Kirsch Editor-in-chief

Photo by Maddy Kirsch

news 04.1.11page02

Frank von...Commie?

Two words Ten letters

Chris goes mainstream

A saying caught my eye one day, “Many fine things can be done in a day if you don’t always make that day tomorrow,” and I realized that waiting for tomorrow to get my life together was a waste of time. So I got up off the couch, changed out of my week-old sweats, and decided that going after a girl today was bet-ter than waiting for a boy tomorrow. Enter Jenna Goeke stage left. I never believed in the idea of love at first sight, and that belief really wasn’t changed much when I met Jenna. We met when she tackled me and took my chair while playing a game in Journalism. She gets very competitive. I honestly can’t say that at that moment I was star-struck, or really even amazed, nor can I now say that I am head over heels in love with her. Yet as of a few weeks ago, Jenna and I are officially dating. Some people say that opposites attract, but Jenna and I are very simi-lar. It is extremely convenient that we both like guys because it gives us plenty to talk about whether it is the merits or flaws of guys that we know. Neither of us knows how to be-have in public which leads to all sorts of misadventures in places like phone booths and the dollar store. And our humor, most of which is at the expense of conservatives, carries us through the

most stressful of situations. Our situation, though quite un-conventional, has been interesting to say the least. I give her fashion advice and she compliments my eyebrows. There is more “girl-talk,” than “dirty-talk,” and I can honestly say that we are equally attracted to each other, which really isn’t that much. We do have some issues with staying faith-ful, but like any healthy couple, we talk them out over a fat-filled lunch. I at first thought that this re-lationship would be a joke, but I’ve learned a lot of important things. I learned that dating your best friend is wonderful because there is already such a strong connection. I learned that sometimes your significant other perceives things much worse than they actually are (I insist that I was simply sitting next to Andrea Goeke, and that there was no flirting taking place.) And sometimes all you need to do is let it all out, and you know you’ve found someone special if they are willing to listen. So even though Jenna is en-tirely the wrong gender for me to be dating, I’ll always remember our “re-lationship” and she’ll still be one of my best friends. My advice: do some-thing today, don’t wait for tomorrow, you never know what you’re going to learn. Jenna if you’re reading this, I love you, but we are over.

Annie JungEditor-in-chief

APUSH idol’s red reign revealed

He is outwardly a soul blazing with the fiery infernos of patriotism and nationalism. He teaches the history of the land he holds so dearly to his Yankee soul. He professes a mancrush of epic proportions to that sexy, intelligent god among our nation’s historical figures - the one and only, should-have-been-president Henry Clay. But beneath the ostentatious and Hail to the Chief-esque displays of red, white, and blue is a dark secret. Or rather, a red secret - Frank von Rassler, the proud “A-MUR-cun!” has re-cently stepped out of the political closet as a Communist. In class, he often speaks of those “dirty, rotten, godless Commies.” At his Red meetings, he speaks of the same group as “Dear Brothers.” Comrade von Rassler, as he now wishes to be called, looks with utter disdain upon this capitalist society. “Capitalism?! Capitalism! I’ll show you what a real working society is!” he was seen bellowing in his APUSH class, third period, while passionately fist-pumping with a sickle in his left hand and a hammer in the right hand. An inspection of his room re-vealed a bounty of Leninade waiting in all its bloodred glory in his minifridge. He is now appealing to switch up his APUSH curriculum with an in-depth look into Mother Russia’s histo-ry, one heavy on the pro-communism propaganda. In these hard economic times,

Visual by Annie Jung

Energizer bunny arrested for battery

Rabbit finally gets Trix

After a password journal - reportedly belonging to a 6-year-old - ran out of juice and would not open to voice commands on Saturday, the bunny behind the faulty batteries took matters into his own hands. Claiming that elecrity-prodiving devices marketed under his name never stop working, the Energizer Bunny punched the owner of the password journal and claimed that she had tampered with its two AA power devices just to publicly humiliate him.

A two-generation-long race finally culminated rather anticlimacti-cally March 32, when the infamous rabbit stumbled upon some Trix yogurt on his way to a publicity event. According to witnesses, two children had “gotten bored” of eating their Trix for snack everyday and hurried away to the playground on the 32nd leaving the un-opened yogurts on a cafeteria table. The rabbit, who had just arrived at the elementary school to shoot a commercial, found the Trix and went to grab it rather hesitantly. However, the children never shouted “silly rabbit, Trix are for kids”, allowing the rabbit to eat the yogurt sans tricks. The general consensus is that kids nowadays are just too incompetent to stand up for what they believe in.

the capitalist system had been on von Rassler’s mind. Terrible doubts plagued him as his faith in the money-loving system of the country he lived for filled his conscience. Then, it happened. It was at a regular department meeting. Mr. Smith had left out some notes on his World History curriculum. While snacking on a thoroughly capi-talist box of generic, knock-off Host-ess wannabe doughnuts, he swallowed hard as he ingested both disgracefully Republican fat and red ideals. Subject matter? Stalin and his Five Year Plans. After this father of two laid his what were once democracy-loving eyes on the “sheer brilliance” that was a communist plan for economic stability, prosperity, and moral up-rightness, von Rassler was a goner.

He immediately fell head over heels for a system that guaranteed nothing but success. Exeunt Mr. Frank von Rassler, he who lusts after Henry Clay. Enter Comrade von Rassler, anti-capitalism fiend and Dear Brother of Broseph Stalin. A call for more details on his new Red life went unanswered. Comrade von Rassler apologized for missing it the next day. He had been too busy growing his own wheat in his newly turned-in-to-farmland of a backyard. “I would have answered, but I was busy with getting ice from my iceblock shed. I accidentally hit my thumb real-ly hard when I was renovating my win-dow. I missed with the hammer and hit myself while I was putting up my new iron curtains,” said the comrade.

Seven years late...Long-awaited letters arrive

When they had given up almost all hope, when they had finally ac-cepted the fact that they’d never be one of the Chosen Ones, seven students at Leigh High School were brought to their knees upon the delivery of several life-changing letters. Were they college acceptance letters to the schools of their dreams? Nay. ‘Twas infinitely better. What seniors Annie Jung, Bianca Broszus, Emily Ogle, Lin Eschenfelder, Alan Prijatel, Jordan Boomsliter, and Clara Luu received were... At long last... Acceptance letters to Hogwarts. “I started crying,” said Broszus, still clutching her tear-soaked letter. “For years, I thought, ‘How cool, an owl fly-ing by! Wonder if it’s got my overdue letter.’ I was speechless when it actually

swooped by me and dropped this on my head. I can’t believe that I am finally go-ing to attend Hogwarts. Registered for Herbology and Potions last night!” Owls reportedly dropped by the others’ houses between midnight and noon on March 27. Upon contacting the Ministry of Magic, The Eleight discovered that the late acceptances were part of a new Muggle Outreach program. “The wizarding race is very small. It became clear that we had to set aside our prejudices and reach out. Purity of blood can no longer be a factor,” said a Ministry rep. “We thereford decided to track those Muggle seniors who showed the most magical aptitude. Leigh had a great concentration of those.” All across the nation, owls have been swooping and seniors swooning. “Forget Stanford. Hello, dear Hogwarts!” exclaimed Luu.

Annie JungEditor-in-chief

news04.01.11 page03

Yesterday was Thursday

Senioritis Surviving 2012: What to do when the world comes to an end

Kylie BrownStaff Writer

As of March 28, 2011, the world’s fate has been sealed; the 2012 apocolypse has been confirmed to be true by the world’s most credible scien-tists, astrologers, and cosmetologists. If you don’t have a plan to avoid impending doom, don’t fret. Researchers have been hard at work on finding methods of survival for the big day, and have con-cluded that the best survival plan is to get your DNA in-fused with that of a cockroach. Why a cockroach, you ask? W e l l , c o c k r o a c h s DON’T die. Ever. You can step on a cockroach as much as you please and it will still be alive. Therefore, the conclusion has been drawn that becoming a cock-roach is the best bet at survival because cockroaches simply cannot be killed by ANYTHING. DNA infusion clinics are in the process of being built, and for a small fee of $500,000 and a slightly painful medical procedure you can become a freakish half-man-half-cockroach mutant! It is recommended to get the DNA infusion after any romantic events like Valentine’s Day or prom. In all honesty, nobody wants to go to prom with a mutant cockroach person. Or a normal cockroach, for that matter. Of course, then there’s that one little nagging issue about where you would go AFTER the apocolypse. Af-ter all, the entire earth as we know it will probably implode into oblivion. Unfortunately, the downside to go-

ing under the knife (besides being turned into a hideous mutant, no offense Heidi) is that despite your survival, you really have nowhere to go but space. So if you’re fine with hurtling around slowly in space until you even-tually die of natural causes, then be-coming a cockroach beast is the way for you. It’s better than dying in an apocolypse, I guess. If you happen to be a fat cat with more than $500,000 in spare change,

then I sug-gest buying a Twinkie shut-tle. Twinkies, like cock-roaches, are really pretty much imper-vious to a gi-gantic global catastrophe. W e all know that the famous snack cakes live infinitely. Who’s to say that Twinkies from 1930

aren’t still on the shelves today? That being said, it is recom-mended to avoid potential radiation and generally have an extra layer of protection by purchasing a Twinkie shuttle. The Twinkie shuttle is inno-vatively designed by the world’s most creative, groundbreaking engineers. It’s basically... Just a giant Twinkie. Of course, just being inside of a Twinkie probably won’t give you the same immortality of one, but bet-ter safe than sorry I always say. If you’re unfortunate enough to be unable to afford a DNA infusion or Twinkie shuttle, fear not. President Obama has announced that come Jan. 2012, loans will be available to those who cannot afford it. If you’re a skep-tic, then shame on you. Your ignorance won’t be so bliss-ful when the North and South Poles begin to shift.

The number one symptom of this notorious ailment...

Abel MariamVisuals Master

Alex SainezYour Boy

Andy SimionasTweedle Dee

Annie JungOrder of Merlin, First Class

Danielle BaldelomarJenna’s Daughter

Jenna GoekeChris’s Girl

Jennifer ParkStaff Writer

Jordan BoomsliterLady Macbeth

Josh VasquezKnows it’s Friday

Kelley GroganSouthern Belle

Maddy KirschIce Queen

Shayna JamesKarate Lady

Spencer ThreshDweedle Dum

Sydney BlackAtheist

Terra SteadmanThe Master of All

Varija YelagalawadiHacker

Zack GalouStaff Writer

Jordan WeinbergResident Jokester

Kim FooteFootenote

Josh VasquezKnows it’s Friday

What we think of Rebecca Black on Friday

Students watching the phenomenon that is ‘Friday’ Photo by Caitlyn Nurnberg

Surviving December 21, 2011Photo courtesy of Shawn McClung

Mozart, The Beatles, Mi-chael Jackson, Kurt Cobain. These names, among many others have lead us to the world of music that we know and love today. While most might argue that today’s music lacks a certain artistic integrity that earlier artists put at the forefront of their writing, it is good to know that there is still hope for the future of modern music. That hope comes in the form of 13-year-old singer, Rebecca Black, and her hit debut single, “Friday.” This teen-pop overnight sen-sation released her single in mid-March, and with a little help from

the Tosh blog, reached over 62 million hits on YouTube. Lyrically, “Friday” is comparable to lyricists such as Paul McCa-rtney of The Beatles, or Bob Dylan. In the pre-chorus, Black sings, “Kickin’ in the front seat / Sittin’ in the back seat / Gotta make my mind up Which seat can I take?” and reminds us that life is made

up of painful choices. But it isn’t until the bridge of the

song that Black gives us her most insightful piece of lyricism.

T h e lines, “Tomor-row is Sat-urday / And Sunday comes afterwards / I don’t want this weekend to end,” are a clear represen-tation of how we as humans want all good things to last forever. Black is pointing out to us that we must learn to move on.

While the song is almost per-fect, there is one minor setback. With acts like Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, the teen-pop music scene is a competitive mar-ket and unfortunately, the target audience doesn’t always respond well to such obscure and experi-mental lyricism and songwriting. So the song includes a (thank-fully) short rap section by the huge-ly popular rapper, Patrice Wilson. At least the lyrics on this part are just as phenomenal as the rest of the song. “Fast lanes, switchin’ lanes / With a car up on my side / Whoo!” We are now stepping fore-word into a new era. Bieber Fever has finally been cured to make way for a new pan-demic, the Black Plague.

news 04.1.11page 04

2011-14 timeline

June 2011: The Leigh class of 2011 graduates and makes top news by meeting President Obama. Dubbed the “Most Amazing High School Class of All Time”

September 2011: Apple creates its Ipad 3 and Iphone 5G. The Ipad is thinner than a penny, and the 5G network can reach other planets. Very useful.

October 2011: Rebecca Black becomes a best-selling artist, quickly becoming the next Kelly Clarkson. Seri-ously?

January 2012: OJ Simpson tried for a third murder and for a third time, the most infamous criminal of all time walks. Guess the glove didn’t fit

March 2012: NSYNC reunites and makes the most top-selling album in history

November 2012: Sarah Palin wins election for the presidency, followed by an unusual emigration out of the US.

December 2012: Two major earthquakes within a week occur in the US, followed by a hurricane in the Caribbean. The mysterious “End of the World” Mayan prediction seems all too real until...it doesn’t happen. So surprising considering that their technol-ogy was so advanced and all.

March 2013: Charlie Sheen becomes a true ‘winner’ and creates his own television network. The viewing of his first network show reaches 140 million

July 2013: Titanic 2, starring Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus, is produced with staggering first-day ticket sales. However, the movie turns out to be an utter failure and results in the end of both actors’ careers. Cyrus allegedly quotes: “That’s...pretty cool.”

October 2013: A woman in Russia gives birth to 10 ba-bies at once, officially beating the “Octomom” Nadya Suleman.

January 2014: The first mainstream hover car is introduced with over 20,000 reported accidents within its first week of circulation, while the car’s company tries to cover the fiasco by feigning increasing profits. Seems that not everyone learned from Enron.

New reports emergeed that school dean Rick Hayashi could be the next Hannah Montana. After it was discovered that the administrator works as prison gaurd by night, Dis-ney channel began drafting a comedy based on his life, set to air Feb. 30, 2013. The show will be very authen-tic to Hayashi’s daily routine. The opening credits will consist of a dramaticized montage of his morn-ing ritual: alarm clock goes off at 4, raw eegs and enegry goo blend for breakfast, 50 times up and down the stairs in sub 2 minutes, and finally a slide down the fire pole to board the cleaverly disguised, I’m-just-like-any-other-school-official, ‘04 silver Jetta. The montage will occur over macho sounds of Jay-Z’s “99 Problems”. Common episodes will portay Hayashi’s troubles in concealing is gaurd identity while in the presence of his students. Hayashi worries that if they were to find out about his pris-on persona, they might start pleaing

for intense corporal punishments like push-ups, ball-in-chaining or tazing. These types of actions are repotedly inappropriate in a school setting. “I like to stick to the classics - detention, call home, gum duty, trash duty, suspension, expolsion, etc.” commented Hayashi. “I would hate for kids to start thinking that they can opt out of time with a quick tazing.” As far as Hayashi’s real life, no students at his school know of his se-cret until this very article. He said that the release of the Disney show will blow his cover anyways, so he wishes to reveal the secret identity himself beforehand. Student reaction is expected to be wildly positive. The notion of hav-ing a double life-leader among them will likely throw many teens into wild excitment. When other ther such deans have revealed their secrets, they get approximately 200 autograph re-quests per day, and sign everything from backpacks to backs. “Leigh should not be any dif-

ferent,” said Hayashi. “I am excited about creating excitment; I just hope that it does not interfere with the upholding of of high disiplinary val-ues.” Students who choose to tune into Hayashi’s show on the aire date will experience the trademark over-glorified, Disney-fied experience. “Do not take the Disney inter-pretation as fact,” said a Disney repre-sentative. Because the Disney Show is scripted and highly tailored, TLC has talked of doing a complimentary re-ality show: “The truth about Hayashi, what Disney got wrong.” Such a show would mean that cameras be brought onto school and prison premises and crews follow Hayashi’s real-life busi-ness. Due to press and privacy laws, this may be impossible. “Why am I so special?” Hayashi said to TLC. “It’s not like I’m the first ever high school dean/prison gaurd. There are plenty more around; I can’t hog all the spotlight.”

Rick Hayashi’s

Maddy KirschStaff Writer

April 2014: The first “talking phone” is introduced, which communicates with you like a normal person while also acting as a regular phone. Scientist’s fears have been confirmed. A real-life Terminator is under-way.

Taking a TestTime spent anwering questions

Time spent calculating how much grade will decrease when it is over

Watching a 3D Movie

Time spent flicking the glass-es on and off to compare the views.

Time spent engaging in plot

Survey ResultsThe Eleight polled .005 stu-dents about how they perform daily tasks. Here is what they said.