THE ESSENTIALS FOR A THE ESSENTIALS FOR A HEALTHY HEALTHY

RELATIONSHIPRELATIONSHIP

Who Taught You Relationship Who Taught You Relationship Essentials?Essentials?

ParentsParents Significant OthersSignificant Others PeersPeers MediaMedia

The Number One Dynamic of The Number One Dynamic of AttractionAttraction

Initial attraction is based upon physical and Initial attraction is based upon physical and personality characteristics personality characteristics

The primary attraction for long term The primary attraction for long term relationships is comfort based upon familiarityrelationships is comfort based upon familiarity

The one thing you wanted most to change in The one thing you wanted most to change in one of your parentsone of your parents

Stanford StudyStanford Study

What is Compatibility Really Based What is Compatibility Really Based On?On?

Family rulesFamily rules Personality dynamicsPersonality dynamics InterestsInterests Values-ultimately the most important Values-ultimately the most important

determinantdeterminant MirroringMirroring RejectionRejection

Where Do We Get Our DynamicsWhere Do We Get Our Dynamics

Your initial relationship program is based Your initial relationship program is based upon your parental oneupon your parental one

Raising awareness of family of origin Raising awareness of family of origin dynamics and rulesdynamics and rules

Developing a new model based on healthier Developing a new model based on healthier dynamicsdynamics

Dealing with discomfort and finding new Dealing with discomfort and finding new familiarityfamiliarity

The Two Basic Requirements of a The Two Basic Requirements of a Healthy RelationshipHealthy Relationship

RespectRespect AssertivenessAssertiveness

A Five Dimensional Model of A Five Dimensional Model of Healthy Relationships Healthy Relationships

InvestmentInvestment CommunicationCommunication PowerPower TrustTrust ForgivenessForgiveness

InvestmentInvestment

Doing everything you can possibly do to Doing everything you can possibly do to enhance your partner’s self-esteem and life enhance your partner’s self-esteem and life experienceexperience

Caring DaysCaring Days

CommunicationCommunication

Develop rules for your process of problem solvingDevelop rules for your process of problem solving Make it a priority to set down regularly to discuss Make it a priority to set down regularly to discuss

issues and plansissues and plans Give your relationship timeGive your relationship time Respect, respect, and more respectRespect, respect, and more respect TimeoutsTimeouts Reflective listeningReflective listening Mehabrian’s StudyMehabrian’s Study The Three don’tsThe Three don’ts

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CLEAN COMMUNICATIONCLEAN COMMUNICATION

Avoid judgmental words and loaded terms Avoid judgmental words and loaded terms Avoid global labels Avoid global labels Avoid “you” messages of blame and Avoid “you” messages of blame and

accusation accusation Avoid old history Avoid old history Avoid negative comparisons Avoid negative comparisons

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CLEAN COMMUNICATION (cont)CLEAN COMMUNICATION (cont)

Avoid threats Avoid threats Describe your feelings rather than attack with Describe your feelings rather than attack with

them them Keep your body language open and receptiveKeep your body language open and receptive Use whole messages Use whole messages Use clear messages Use clear messages

PowerPower

The shift from taking care of oneself to taking The shift from taking care of oneself to taking care of the relationshipcare of the relationship

The balance of power that serves the The balance of power that serves the relationship bestrelationship best

Power can be based upon personal strengths Power can be based upon personal strengths and differences in personalityand differences in personality

Area that tends to reflect greatest abusesArea that tends to reflect greatest abuses

TrustTrust

The Barometer of the RelationshipThe Barometer of the Relationship There is no gain with mistrust in a relationshipThere is no gain with mistrust in a relationship

ForgivenessForgiveness

Essential for all relationshipsEssential for all relationships Process of letting go of baggageProcess of letting go of baggage Follows cognitive restructuring modelFollows cognitive restructuring model

BoundariesBoundaries

• Boundaries exist whether or not you are aware Boundaries exist whether or not you are aware of themof them

• Most problems occur in relationships because Most problems occur in relationships because boundaries are unclear boundaries are unclear

• A boundary only works when both parties are A boundary only works when both parties are clear about it clear about it

• Communicating boundaries clearly is essential Communicating boundaries clearly is essential for a relationship to be healthyfor a relationship to be healthy

Examples of BoundariesExamples of Boundaries

Group leaders will not interact with participants in Group leaders will not interact with participants in ways that promote disruptionways that promote disruption

Group leaders will not model inappropriate behaviorGroup leaders will not model inappropriate behavior Group leaders will rely on each other and consult Group leaders will rely on each other and consult

with leaders when questions arisewith leaders when questions arise Individuals will act in ways that reflect respect for Individuals will act in ways that reflect respect for

othersothers Individuals will treat themselves and others as they Individuals will treat themselves and others as they

would a best friendwould a best friend

Parting WishParting Wish

May all of your relationships focus upon May all of your relationships focus upon making every moment of your life as rich as it making every moment of your life as rich as it can be through your friendships, families, and can be through your friendships, families, and intimacies.intimacies.

With that special someone who will be in your With that special someone who will be in your life, may you smile at them with the same life, may you smile at them with the same intensity and desire at 80 as you do in the best intensity and desire at 80 as you do in the best of times in the formation of your relationship.of times in the formation of your relationship.