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TRANSCRIPT
TheFlightofIcarus
RaymondQueneautranslatedbyBarbaraWright
ANewDirectionsBook
TRANSLATOR’SNOTE
(Adapted from Letter to Andrée Bergens, published in the Queneau number of the French magazine,L’HERNE.)
You askme some very simple, very clear questions about translatingQueneau, and I will try toanswerthemequallysimplyandclearly.
WhyIembarkedontranslatingQueneau,andwhatdifficultieshepresentstothetranslator.IstartedtranslatingQueneaubyaccident,becauseIwasluckyenoughtobeaskedtotranslatetwoof
hisshortstories.Havingdoneso,Iwashooked.All translation,without exception, isdifficult, and I amneverquite surewhypeople imagine that
Queneauismoredifficulttotranslatethananyoneelse.Isitbecauseofhispuns?Butmanyotherwritersmakepuns,andtheyarerarelysuchamusingonesasQueneau’s.You’llnoticethatIdon’tsaysuchgoodones–becauseQueneauis,ofcourse,themasteroftheintentionallyawfulpun.AndtheexerciseoftryingtomatchtheminEnglishisinitselfamusing,andchallenging,andontheoccasionswhenonefeelsonehasmoreorlesssucceeded,thesatisfactionisgreat.
OrisQueneauconsidereddifficulttotranslatebecauseofhisuseofpopularlanguage?Pingetsaysofhisownwritingthathisbasicproblemistofindatone.Itisn’tuntilhehasfoundthetoneofthebookheishatchingthatheisabletogoaheadandwriteit.Thesameappliestotranslation.Themostimportantthingistotryandmatchyourauthor’stone,andthedifficultyisonlyoneofdegreewhenthattoneincludesneologisms,originalsyntax,reconditeallusions,popularlanguage,etc.
Theproblemforthetranslatorwiththelatteris,ofcourse,thathehastoinvent,oruseasynthesisof,an equivalent popular languagewhich the reader will accept asmodern, but which is not that of anyparticularEnglishorAmericangroup–CockneyorBronx, say.Queneau’s characters areFrench, theyliveinaFrenchenvironment,andtheymuststaythere:tomakethemspeakanyspecificEnglishdialectwouldbetosituatethemwheretheydon’tbelong.Ifyouread,asIdidinarecenttranslation,oneFrenchpeasant supposedly saying of another: ‘Hewould never set the Thames on fire’, you are immediatelyjerkedoutofcontext,andoutofyourillusion.Themaninthestreettakesitthatwhenhereadsabookintranslationheissimplyreadinganexactreplicaoftheoriginalinalanguagehehappenstounderstand.Theidealtranslationsustainshiminthisillusion.
WithTheFlightofIcarus,ofcourse,thereisnoquestionofa‘modern’popularlanguage.Here,thethingistousealanguagethatthemodernreadercanacceptasbeingmoreorlessthatofQueneau’s1895characters.Notforgetting,asalways,theoccasionalflagrantanachronismthatQueneauputsintoamusehimself(andus),aswellasforotherartisticreasons.‘HowextremelyPirandellian’,saysMorcol,attheverybeginningofthebook.
Giventhatfindingtheappropriate‘tone’isthebasicnecessityforatranslation,thedifficultiesmustsurelybelesswhenthetranslatorisinsympathywiththeauthor.IhopeIwillnotbethoughtpresumptuous
if I say that I feel that I am somewhere, somehow, on Queneau’s wave-length – but this is why, intranslatinghim,Ithinklessofthedifficultiesandmoreofthefunandthe(spiritual)reward.
Anotherpointondifficulties:itismuchlessdifficulttotranslateagoodwriterthanabadone:itismuchlessdifficulttotranslateanauthorwhohassomethingtosay,andwhosaysit,thanonewhoneverseemstobequitesurewhatheistryingtosay.WhenonehastranslatedwhatweinEnglandirreverentlycall ‘FrenchArtCritics’Prose’,onecanonly,bycomparison, considerQueneau simplicity itself. Thetranslator isoften,perhaps, theonlypersonwho reallyknowshowawriterwrites.Hehas to analyseeverythingà fond, strip all these pages of black marks on white paper down to their bare bones ofsemantics, overtones, undertones, euphony, rhythm, ‘internal rhyme’ – everything – and then try andrecovertheskeletonwithnewfleshandbloodwhichneverthelessresemblestheoriginalsocloselythatitmightbeitstwinbrother.NowwithQueneau,everywordisthereforapurpose–nootherwordcouldbesubstituted for it. Every phrase, every chapter hewrites is there for a purpose and plays its precise,complicatedpartinthewhole.IntranslatingQueneau,thereisalwaysasolutionwaitingsomewheretobefound,andallthetranslatorhastodo(allhehastodo!)–istofindit.Withsomeotherwriters,though,oftentherecanbenorealsolution:whereisthesatisfaction,whensomethinghasoriginallybeensloppilythoughtoutandsloppilyexpressed,infindingtheexact(sloppy)equivalent?
InwhatwayisQueneaudifferentfromotherwriters?I seem tohavemoreor lessanswered thisquestionabove.There is also the fact that ‘whathe is
writing’and‘whatheiswritingabout’arethesamething.Itisjustbeginningtobefashionableforpeopletosaythatnothingseriouscanbewrittenwithouthumour.Well,Queneauhasalwaysknownthat,andhehasalways put it into practice. Itmay be because hiswriting is such an intricatemixture of somanyapparently disparate elements that one can read him again and again – and again – perhaps each timeunconsciouslyapproachingtheQuenelliankaleidoscopefromadifferentangle,buteachtimediscoveringsomethingnew.
HowdoIgoabouttranslatingQueneau?Every translator presumably finds a way of translating that suits himself, but which would not
necessarilybevalidforanyoneelse.However:first,Iaskthepublishertogivemeplentyoftime.ThenIread the book several times, possiblymaking notes, either of difficulties or of spontaneous solutions.Then, first draft, longhand, in pencil, in an exercise book,with a separate notebook for queries of allsorts,astherearealwayssomepointsonwhichIhavetoconsultencyclopaediasorFrenchfriends.OftenmyFrenchfriendsdon’tknowtheanswers,andwhilethisisverygoodformyego,itobviouslydoesn’tgetmeanyfurther.ThereusuallyremainsomeirreduciblepointswhichdefeateveryoneandonwhichIhavetoconsultMonsieurQueneau,thoughnaturallyItrytobotherhimaslittleaspossible.
After I have gone over the first draft, I have it typed. Then I make further corrections on thetypescript.WithZazie,IamamazedtorememberthatatthispointIgavethetypescripttothreeseparatefriends,allofwhomknewQueneau’sworkwell,andaskedthemfortheircomments.IsupposethatIhadtheeffrontery todo thisbecause itwas thefirstQueneaunovel that Ihad translated,andIwasscared.NowadaysIsimplydon’thavethecheek,becauseIrealisehowmuchworkisinvolved.Buttogetsuch
opinionsatthisstage,isinvaluable.Intheory,ofcourse,thissortofadviceisthejobofthepublisher’sreaderbut,inmyexperience,publisherseitherhavepracticallynothingtosay,orelseargueovertrifles,andpressmetochangethingsthatIamsureareright.IreckontoknowexactlywhyIhavedonewhateverIhavedone,buttoremainopentosuggestionsforimprovementsfromsomeonewhoisseeingtheworkwithafresheye.
A final confession. Quite often, when I am looking for some reference in one of my Queneautranslations,Ifindmyselfreadingon,asifIhadneverseenitbefore,andIfeelquitepleased.ButoneChristmas,withaFrenchfriend,wetriedanexperiment.WereadeachotherpassagesfrommytranslationofZazie,andthentriedtotranslateitbackintoFrench.Allwegotwasavery,verypaleimitationoftheoriginal.
Icare,dixit,ubies?Quateregionerequiram?OVID
I
OnthepapersnosignofIcarus:betweenthem–ditto.Helooksunderthefurniture,heopensthecupboards,hegoesandlooksintheprivy:noIcarus.Sohetakeshishatandstick,he’sinthestreet,hehailsafly.‘Cabman,drivetonumber47rueBochartdeSaron,anddon’tsparethehorses!’The fly flies, inno timeatall they’reatnumber47 rueBochartdeSaron.The faregetsout, says
‘waitforme’,dashesintothehouse,climbsupfourfloors,thedooropens.SURGETMydearfellow!Whatapleasantsurprise!HUBERTNoneofyoureburneancourtesies!Afterwhatyou’vedonetome!SURGETI?What?HUBERTIhaveabonetopickwithyou.Followme.HeleadsSurgetintohisownstudy,sitsdowninhisplaceandrakesthroughthepapersonthetable.SURGETCareful!don’tmakehayofmyforthcomingnovel!HUBERTComeon!Admitit!Admitthathe’shere.SURGETHe?Who’she?HUBERT(reading)EtiennewassecretlyinlovewithVictorine…blahblahblah…herhairwasas
yellowasripecorn…blahblahblah…Georges,herfiancé,wasagraduateoftheEcolePolytechnique…blahblahblah…
SURGETNosey!HUBERT(thoughtfully)Hedoesn’tseemtobehere.SURGETHe?Who’she?HUBERTYouremember,theotherday,Ireadyouthefirstfewpagesofmynewbook…SURGETNoreasontocomeandturnmineupsidedown!HUBERTYouwere good enough to think highly ofmy chief character, though I had only barely
beguntooutlinehim.Youcomplimentedmeonhim.SURGETPerhaps.HUBERTHewascalledIcarus.SURGETIremember.HUBERTWell–he’sdisappeared!SURGETHecan’thave!Whatajoke!HUBERTIt’snolaughingmatter.ItwouldbeanirreparablelossformeifIcouldn’tfindhim.SURGETYes,butyoudon’treallythink…HUBERTItisn’taquestionofthinking,butofknowing.Whereishe?SURGETI’venoidea.HUBERTSwearit!SURGETYes,butyou’renotreallygoingtosuspectmeofhavingstolenhimfromyou,areyou?HUBERTThatwaspreciselymyunspokenthought.
SURGETBut…zounds!Youinsultme:youoffendme!HUBERTSwear!SURGETYoucanseeforyourself…Etienne…Victorine…Georges…they’venothingincommon
withyourIcarus.AndthenthereareaDurand,aDuvelandaDupont…andaconciergewhomIcall–andImustsay,ratherdrolly,Ithink–Pipelet.
HUBERTYoucouldhavegivenhimapseudonym.SURGETIdetestthat.Ionlyrecogniserealnames.HUBERTAndwhatifheweretoadoptone,withoutyourknowledge?SURGETTheidentityofmycharactersisnomysterytome.HUBERTAndwhataboutyourflat?Hemaybehidingsomewhere.I’mgoingtohavealook.He inspects thewhole flat,opens thecupboards, looksunder the furniture;goesandexamines the
privy.HUBERTWhatluxury.ArealEnglishone,withwater.SURGETThanks to a small legacymywife came into. It costs the earth but, as the saying goes,
moneyhasnosmell.HUBERTAndstillnosignofIcarus.SURGETSofarasIcarusisconcerned,Iswear…HUBERTWhatdoyouswear?Andwhataretheoathsofablackguardlikeyouworth?SURGETOnmywordofhonour…Asthesayinggoes:manyatruewordisawordofhonour.And
honisoitquimalypense.HUBERTYourwordofhonourisn’tenough.SURGETPerhapshe’swithoneofourcolleagues?HUBERTYoudon’treallyexpectmetotraipsearoundtoallourcolleagues,doyou?SURGETParticularlyasnovelistsaresuchliars.HUBERTHowtrue.Exceptyou,ofcourse.Thenyouswear?SURGETOnmyhonour,IswearthatIcarusisnothere–andImayaddthatIdon’tknowwherehe
is.HUBERTIbelieveyou,thistime,butthatdoesn’tgetmeanyfarther.WhatshallIdo?Whatshall I
do?SURGETIfImaybeallowedtomakeasuggestion–whydon’tyouengageadetective?HUBERTRidiculousidea.Hewon’tunderstandathing.SURGET Don’t you know Morcol – the Subtle Shadowing specialist? The man who follows
adulterouswomenandfindslostsheep.Hehasappearedinmanynovelsunderdifferentnames.AsecondVidocq. A second Lecoq. As the saying goes: there are times when it’s ridiculous to fight against ashadow.He’llfindyourIcarusforyou.
HUBERTI’venogreatconfidence.Hegoestoseehim,allthesame.Hestopsatthedoor;anenamelledplate,Morcol,Discretion,2ndfloor.Avenomouslynauseating
corridorleadstoasimilartypeofstaircase.Hubertpullsacord;abellrings.
MORCOLMonsieur:Iamatyourdisposition.HUBERTMineisaveryunusualcase.MORCOLAllmycasesareunusual,Monsieur.HUBERTMineisveryparticularlyso.MORCOLThatisformetojudge.HUBERTIhesitate…becauseitissuchastrangebusiness…MORCOLIhearthemostwidelyvariedstories.HUBERTWellthen.Letmeintroducemyself:HubertLubert,anovelistbyprofession,byvocation,
even,andImightadd,ofsomerenown.SinceIamanovelist, then,I .writenovels.AndsinceIwritenovels, Idealwithcharacters.Andnowoneof themhasvanished.Literally.Anovel Ihad justbegun,abouttenpages,fifteenatthemost,andinwhichIhadplacedthehighesthopes,andnowtheprincipalcharacter,whomIhadbarelybeguntooutline,disappears.AsIobviouslycannotcontinuewithouthim,Ihavecometoaskyoutofindhimforme.
MORCOL(dreamily)HowextremelyPirandellian.HUBERTPirandellian?MORCOLAnadjectivederivedfromPirandello.It’strue,though;youcouldn’tunderstand.HUBERTAclient?MORCOLSsh!Let’sgetbacktothepoint.Whatdidyourfellowlooklike?HUBERTDifficult tosay.Ihadonlyarathersketchyknowledgeofhim.Tenorfifteenpages,you
understand,Ihadn’tgotanyfartherthantheexposition…MORCOLTheExpositionUniverselle?TheUniversalExhibition?
HUBERTThatisnotforeigntomytheme,butIwasinfactreferringtotheexpositionofmysubjectmatter.Themodernnovel,asyouareaware,doesnotbeginbyexhibitingtheprincipalcharacter,itleadsuptohimgradually…
MORCOLAllright,allright.Obviouslyyouhaven’tgotaphotograph.HUBERTObviouslynot.MORCOLAllowmetoaskyouafewquestions.Age?HUBERTYoung,asIsawhim.MORCOLCan’tyoubemoreprecise?HUBERTLet’ssayabouttwenty.MORCOL (ironically) You aren’t one of those people who like to compete with the Registrar
General?HUBERTThatisindeednotmystyle.MORCOLLet’sgetontohisphysicalcharacteristics,then.Height?HUBERTOnemetreseventy-sixcentimetresprecisely.MORCOLButyoudocompetewiththemetricsystem?HUBERTHa.ha.MORCOLLetuscontinue.Nose?HUBERTStraight,nodoubt.
MORCOLHair?HUBERTDarkbrown,Ithink.MORCOLSpecialpeculiarities?HUBERTIhaven’tgivenhimany.MORCOLResidence?HUBERTIintendedhimtoliveintherueBleue.MORCOLWhatnumber?HUBERTAnoddnumber.MORCOLWhichone?Therearequitealot.HUBERTIhaven’tdecidedyet.MORCOLNoneofthishelpsmeverymuch.HUBERTAsItoldyou,I’donlyjustbegunhim.MORCOLHasheanyrelations?Anyfriends?HUBERTIhaven’tthoughtaboutthatyet,butIhaveaverypurefianceeinmindforhim.MORCOLDoeshelikeher?HUBERTWehaven’treachedthatpointyet.MORCOLHaveyouperhapshadsomedisagreement?HUBERT I don’t think so. I am preparing a melancholy existence for him which could hardly
displeasehimbecauseheknowsnoother. Iwanthimto likemoonlight, fairyroses, theexotic typesofnostalgia,thelanguorsofSpring,fin-de-siècleneuroses–allthingsthatIpersonallyabhor,butwhichgodownwellinthepresent-daynovel.
MORCOLPerhapshehatesallthat,too.HUBERTHedoesn’tknowanythingaboutit.MORCOLHemayhavesomeinkling…HUBERTYouworryme.MORCOLIimaginethatyourbirdhasflown.HUBERTThere’scertainlyaflyintheointmentsomewhere.Don’tyouthinkit’smorelikelythathe’s
beenstolen?MORCOLIshallstartwiththeflight-hypothesis,andwithanadvanceoftenlouis.HUBERTThedeuce.MORCOLYouarehardlymakingthingseasyforme.Yourdataareextremelyvague…HUBERTI’mdoingmybest.Here–takethesetenlouis,andseethatyoufindhimsoon.Ishan’tbe
abletowriteaworduntilthemystery’ssolvedandIcaruscomesback.MORCOLIacknowledgereceiptofthetenlouis;I’llmakeanoteofhisname.HewritesDickyRuscombeinhisnotebookwhileLuberthandshimhiscard.Morcolistolethim
knowthemomenthehastheslightestlead.Hetakeshisdeparture,whileMorcolreflects.MORCOL Less than nothing, the clues this gentleman has given me, and I am supposed to do
somethingwiththislessthannothing.Imustworkoutwhatmethodtouseinthisparticularcase.Ihaveseveralstringstomybowbutthefirstthatcomestohandisthatofargumentbyanalogy.SupposingthatIwerethisDickyRuscombewholivesintherueBleueandthatIhadtakentoflight.Ishouldn’tgobackto
therueBleue.WherewouldIgo?AsIshouldn’thavemuchexperienceof life,beingonlysometenorfifteenpagesold,Ishouldnaivelygotoastreetwithananalagousname.NotknowingParisverywell,IshouldfindmyselfintherueBlanche.ThisisalineofargumentwhichIconsiderimpeccable.
Hegoesout,dressedinhisgreypaletotanduniversaltop-hat.MORCOLTotherueBlanche!
II
At the Globe and TwoWorlds Tavern in the rue Blanche there was only one free table, whichseemedtobewaitingforIcarus.Itwasinfactwaitingforhim.Icarussatdown,aslowbutsurewaitercameandaskedhimwhathewishedtopartakeof. Icarusdidn’tknow.He lookedat thenearby tables;theiroccupantsweredrinkingabsinthe.Hepointedtothatmilkyliquid,believingittobeharmless.Intheglasshewasbrought,thebeverageappearedtobegreen;Icarusmightwellhavethoughtthisanopticalillusionhadheknownwhatanopticalillusionwas;hewasalsobroughtastrangelyshapedspoon,alumpofsugarandacarafeofwater.
Icarus pours thewater on the absinthe,which assumes the colour ofmilt. Exclamations from theneighbouringtables.
FIRSTDRINKERDisgraceful!it’samassacre!SECONDDRINKERThefellow’sneverdrunkabsintheinhislife!FIRSTDRINKERVandalism!Purevandalism!SECONDDRINKERLet’sbeindulgent;let’ssimplycallitignorance.FIRSTDRINKER(toIcarus)Myyoungfriend,haveyouneverdrunkabsinthebefore?ICARUSNever,Monsieur.Ididn’tevenknowthatitwascalledabsinthe.SECONDDRINKERWhere’veyoucomefrom,then?ICARUSEr…FIRSTDRINKERWhatdoesitmatter!Myyoungfriend,I’mgoingtoteachyoutoprepareaglassof
absinthe.ICARUSThankyou,Monsieur.FIRSTDRINKERInthefirstplace,doyouknowwhatabsintheis?ICARUSNo,Monsieur.FIRSTDRINKERSheisourcomforter,alas,ourconsolation,sheisouronlyhope,sheisouraim,
ourgoad,andlikeanelixir–whichsheis,ofcourse–thesourceofourelation,itisshewholendsusstrengthtoreachtheendoftheroad.
SECONDDRINKERWhat’smore,sheisanangelwhosemagneticfingersholdthegiftsofblessedsleep,ofecstaticdreamsuntold.
FIRSTDRINKERKindlydon’t interruptme,Monsieur.That ispreciselywhat lwasabout tosayand,Imayadd,withthepoet:sheisthegloryoftheGods,themysticcrockofgold.
ICARUSI’dneverdaredrinkthat.FIRST DRINKER Not that, no! You’ve ruined it by slopping all that tap-water over it in such
barbaricfashion!Never!(tothewaiter)BringMonsieuranotherabsinthe.Thewaiterbringsanotherabsinthe.Icarusstretcheshishandouttowardshisglass.FIRSTDRINKERStop,idiot!(Icarusrapidlywithdrawshishand).Youdon’tdrinkitlikethat! I’ll
showyou.Youplace the spoonon theglass inwhich theabsinthealready reposes, and thenyouput alump of sugar on the aforementioned spoon,whose singular shapewill not have escaped your notice.
Then,veryslowly,youpourthewateroverthesugarlump,whichwillstarttodissolveand,dropbydropafecundatingandsacchariferousrainwillfallintotheelixirandcauseittobecomecloudy.Onceagainyoupouronalittlewaterwhichbeads,andbeads,andsoon,untilthesugarhasdissolved,buttheelixirhasnotacquiredtooaqueousaconsistency.Observeit,myyoungfriend,watchtheoperationtakingeffect…aninconceivablealchemy…
ICARUSIsn’titpretty?Hestretcheshishandouttowardshisglass.THIRDDRINKERAndnowpourthecontentsonthefloor.THETWOOTHERSBlasphemy!THIRDDRINKERIt’spoison.ENSEMBLEOFDRINKERSBlasphemy!CHORUSOFWAITERSBlasphemy!THEPROPRIETORHellanddamnation!ICARUS(bewildered)WhatamItodo?ALLMINUSONEDrinkit!THIRDDRINKERDon’tdrinkit!Ter,quater,quinquies…Thiscontinuesuntilthedoorofthetavernopensandayoungwomancomesin.CHORUSOFDRINKERS(FIRSTHALF)LN!Youcouldn’thavecomeatabettertime.CHORUSOFDRINKERS(SECONDHALF)LN!Shecouldn’thavecomeatabettertime.FIRSTHALFOFTHECHORUSYoushallbethejudge!SECONDHALFYoushallbethearbiter!FIRSTHALFYoushallbeourSolomon!SECONDHALFYoushallbeourBalkis!LNWhat’sgoingon?THIRDDRINKERIdon’tseewhythiswhore…LNThat’swhat I am, and I’mproudof it.Whore I amandwhore I remain.Butwhy a judge, an
arbiter,aSolomon?FIRSTDRINKERComeoverhere.Lookatthisyoungman.LNIsn’thehandsome!SECONDDRINKERShouldhedrinkhisabsinthe?THIRDDRINKEROrshouldn’the?ButIdon’tseewhythiswhore…ICARUSMademoiselle…LNMonsieur.ICARUSIshalldowhatyoutellmetodo,Mademoiselle.THIRDDRINKERSoyoung,andalreadyalostsoul…Absinthismandgrisette…Hedisappearsabruptly.LN(sittingdownatthetableofoneoftheothercustomersandindicatingIcarus)Whoishe?
FIRSTDRINKERIdon’tknowhim,andyoucanseehe’snotanhabitue.Justabeginner.Hedidn’tevenknowhowtopreparehisabsinthe…
CHORUSOFDRINKERSWell!Shallhedrinkitorshan’the?LN(toIcarus).Drinkit,youngman!ICARUS(wetshislipsandmakesagrimace).FIRSTDRINKERNothingseek,nothingfind.Tryagain.SECONDDRINKERGoon,tryagain.ICARUS(puttingdownhisglass).IshallonlytryitagainifMademoiselletellsmeto.LNMademoiselledoestellyouto.Haveanothersip.Icarusdrinksamouthful.Hesmilespolitely,andthenimbibesanothermouthful.SECONDDRINKERWell,whatdoyouthinkofit?ICARUS(afterathird,afourth,afifthmouthful,pensively).Howfarawaymynurse’smilkseems…howtheheavenlybodiesareincreasingandmultiplying…
howthenightfadesintothepalenebulae.Itisalreadyblue,theopalescentseaishushed…howfarawayIseemfromallthat…inthevicinityofthestarcalledAbsinthe…
FIRSTDRINKERDrunkalready!LN(movingovertoIcarus’stable)Well,pet,isitgood?ICARUSIdon’tknowwhetherit’sgoodornot,butIdowonderwhatpeoplewouldsayiftheysaw
meundertheinfluenceofthisdrink.LNButtheydoseeyou.Wealldo.Anditdoesn’tparticularlysurpriseus.ICARUSJustaswell.LNIt’sodd,butyoumakemefeelshy.ICARUSI’mcertainlyshyerthanyou,Mademoiselle.I’mnotusedtotheworld–thegreatworld–
andthisisthefirsttimeI’vebeenoutonmyown.LNWereyouatboarding-school?ICARUSMygoodnessno.LNInprison?ICARUSNotthat,either.LNTellall.ICARUSThestoveisunlit,forspringishere.Theinkflowsonthewhitepaperinshallow, fertile
rivuletsfromwhichfriends,relationsandenemiesareborn,aswellas indoorplants, in thecornersofapartments furnished with rep and velvet, mahogany and Cordova leather. The quill conducts a littleworldofobjectsandnamestowardsadestinywhichescapesme.Iamstandinginthemiddleofallthis,nearanarmchair,andwaiting.Everysooften,Imove.IwatchthehousekeeperbringintheMochacoffeeortheEnglishtea.MadamedeChampvauxcallsatfiveo’clock;Ihaveneverseenher,heshutsmeinatthismoment, I hear themgoing into the adjoiningbedroom, and then I hear nomore.The apartment isextremelysound-proof.Atother times,variousgentlemencomeandchat; their cigars,with lengtheningashandchewed-upend,burndownintheashtrays.Istillcan’treallyproperlyseethepeopleroundme…agirl,perhaps…herfather…Thewinter’sover,springishere…
FIRSTDRINKERAllofwhichisofnogreatinterest.
ICARUSThat’s exactlywhat I think.My humble self, as I amwell aware, is not of the slightestinterest.
LNNonsense,pet,nonsense.Youdon’twanttotakeanynoticeofthegeneralopinionofeverylo…FIRSTDRINKERMe?Low!LN(imperturbably)…ofeverylocalityyouhappentobein.FIRSTDRINKERHaha!Well,I’llstandanotherround.SECONDDRINKERMetoo.LNBereasonable.You’llmaketheyoungmanill.ICARUSButI’mquiteallright;myheadfeelshotandmyliverfeelscold,whichatthemomentisn’t
atallunpleasant.FIRSTDRINKERYousee!Waiter,anotherround!ICARUSIdon’tknowhowtothankyou.LNYoucanthankhimlater.SECONDDRINKERHemustbeabletoappreciatethethirdround.LN(toIcarus).Willyoubeabletoholdoutuntilthen?ICARUSI’mfloatingalittle.Thethirdroundisbrought.FIRSTDRINKER(observingIcaruspreparinghisabsinthe).Nottoobad,He’simproving.SECONDDRINKERHestillpoursthewaterrathertooquickly.LNYou’realwayscriticising!(toIcarus).Averygoodbeginning,pet.MORCOL (entering). (toMorcol). This is the third tavern in the rueBlanche that I have visited.
WhichofthesecustomerscouldpossiblybeDickyRuscombe?(tothewaiter).Waiter,haveyoubyanychanceseenayoungmanonemetre76tall,withdarkbrownhair,astraightnose…
WAITERHavealookoverthere.MORCOLTheredoesseemtobesomeresemblance…buthe’sprobablymorelikeonemetre77.
Nevermind,let’sgoandsee,anyway.HegoesovertoIcarus’stable.MORCOL Monsieur, excuse me if I excuse myself, but I have a message for Monsieur Dicky
Ruscombe.Youarenot,byanychance,he?ICARUSNo,Monsieur.ThusamInowisenempned.MORCOLAreyouquitesure?ICARUSEventhoughIambeginningtotakewingundertheinfluenceofastrongdrink,Icanbequite
categoricalthatthatisnotmyname.MORCOLInotonlyhaveamessageforMonsieurDickyRuscombe,butalsoaconsiderablesumof
moneyforhim.Averyconsiderablesum.Areyouquitesurethatyoudonotbearthatname?ICARUSAbsolutelycertain.MORCOLInthatcase,Monsieur,Iwillwithdraw.Inthestreet.MORCOLThelureofeasymoney:aninfallibletrap.Sohewasn’tDickyRuscombe,then.Andyet
hemusthavebeenonemetre77.Letuscontinuetopursueourenquiriesfromtaverntotavern.
III
LNYouwerequiterighttodenyit.Itwasatrap.ICARUSThefactisthatmynameisn’tRuscombe.LNAndwhatisyourname?ICARUSI’mnotverysureanymore…I’vestoppedsoaring,I’mswimming,now…indeepwater.
Andyou,Mademoiselle:Hélène?LNNo,LNintwoletters.Iamofcruciverbalorigin.ICARUSCruciverbal?LNIt’strue,youcouldn’tunderstand.Aren’tyouhungry?ICARUSIndeedIam,sincethisthingI’mdrinkingiscalledanaperitif.LNThenwe’llgoandhavedinner.Areyougoingtoinviteme?ICARUSI’llhavetoseehowmuchmoneyIhave,first.WAITERAnd,evenbeforethat,payforyourdrinks.ICARUS(spreadsoutsomesmallchangeonthetable).Hereyouare.WAITER(picksup75centimes,underLN’swatchfuleye).LN(standsup.Tothepeopleatthenearbytables)Messieurs.FIRSTDRINKERIhopeyouarenotdissatisfiedwithyourfirstexperience?ICARUSDelighted,butallthisdisturbsmealittle,andIhaveafeelingthatI’meludingtheforcesof
gravitation.Messieurs…Hebowstothemandgoesout,followedbyLN.Inthestreet.ICARUSAndnow,howarewegoingtomanagetoeat?LNWe’llgotoalittleplace1knowwhereyoucaneatfor1franc50.Don’tworry.Ishan’truinyou.ICARUSComeon,then.I’dlikeanotherabsinthe.LNlaughs.Intherestaurant.WAITER(adifferentone).Whatapleasure!Pleasesitdown.Icarussitsdown,sodoesLN,nexttohim.Shepicksupthemenuwithdetermination.Theyeat.Icaruspaysandtheyleave.Herroom.LNHowd’youlikemyplace?ICARUSNice.Ican’tthinkofanyotherword:nice.Theykiss.Later:LNIstilldon’tknowmuchaboutyou.
ICARUSIcantellyouthatIwasbornabout1875,undertheprincipateofMacMahon.Iwasaboutfourteen at the time of the Universal Exhibition. At least, I think I was. I was probably living in theprovinces,myfatherwasablacksmith–orpossiblyalocksmith.Hetookmetosee themarvelsof theterminating century.This admirable exhibition covered a surface of 958,572 squaremetres and itwasestimatedthatitwasvisitedby33millionpeople.Iwasoneofthese33millionvisitorsperambulatingthe958,572squaremetresofitssurface.Myfatherwasparticularlyanxiousformetovisit theHallofMachines,whichwasnolessthan450metreslong,115wideand45high,andalsothe300metre-highTower designed by an engineer called Eiffel and made entirely of iron, not forgetting the luminousFountainsdesignedbyanengineerofthenameofBechmann.Wepaidgreatattentiontotheproductsofthe55,486 industrial exhibitors, and looked somewhatmore rapidly at theworksof the5,110Beaux-Artsexhibitors.ThenMonsieurLubertcrosseditallout.
LNMonsieurLubert?ICARUSHebaptisedme,andIwas livingquietly inhisapartmentwaitingtofulfil thedestinyhe
wasweavingforme.Onedayheforgottoclosehismanuscript…LNHismanuscript?ICARUSYes. And a gusí of wind came and carriedme off. Instead of returning to that graphic
domicile Icontinuedonmywayuntil I foundmyself in thestreet.ThenIbegan towonderwhat todo,wheretogo,andthenbyaccident,attractedbytheodourofwhatInowknowtobeabsinthe,IwentintothetavernwhereImadeyouracquaintance,Mademoiselle.
LNYoucancallmeLN,youknow.ICARUSButnoneof this tellsmewhat isgoingtobecomeofmenow.Asyousee,LN,Ihaven’t
muchexperienceof life,but Iamnotunawareof thefact thatpeoplehave toeatandsleepsomewherewheretheyaresafefromthewolvesandthestorm,northat,tobeabletoeatandsleepsomewheresafefromthewolvesandthestorm,youhavetohavealotofmoneyandIhaven’tanyoratleastIhaveverylittleormorepreciselyIhavehardlyany.
LNDon’tworry,I’llseeyougetsomethingtoeateveryday,andyoucansleepinthisplace–myroom.
ICARUSButwhataboutallthemoney?LNThat’snoproblem–Ishallearnenoughfortwo.ICARUSReally?Thatwouldbewonderful.LNItwould,wouldn’tit,mylove?ICARUSThenyou’llbemypiggybank.Buthowwillyoudoit?LNDon’tbotheryourheadaboutthat.I’llseethatyouhaveenoughtoeat,andthatyouhavearoof
overyourhead.ICARUSIt’salltoobeautiful…providingthatMonsieurLubertdoesn’tdiscoverme.LNBeonyourguard!Beonyourguard!ICARUSButhow?LNBybeingonyourguard.
IV
MORCOL(comingoutof the seventh tavern in the rueBlanche,havingdrunk the samenumberofabsinthes).
Another f****** fiasco!Howeverhard IRunabout theStreets,Scour theCountryside andPloughthroughtheWaves,I’mstillupagum-tree.HoweverhardIliveitup,I’llstillhavetogiveup.It’slikelookingforacamelinasieve.AndyetI’musingallmyreasoningpowers…I’mreasoning…and,asthesayinggoes,reasonrulesallthings.Butherethereseemstoberhymewithoutreason.Itmayrhymebutitaccordethnot.WhatcanIdo,though?Miaowatthemoon?Spitonmyfeet?Gnawmyteeth?Theseareallprocedureswhichare infallibly falliblewhen itcomes tosolvingaproblem,andones thathaveneverfiguredamongthemethodsIaminthehabitofemploying.Ishallrejectthemwithaflipofthefinger–andlet’sstartbyliberatingourspiritsfromthenoxiouseffluviawehavejustbeeningurgitating.
Whichhedoes.Andnowletusconsiderthingsclearly,andinthefirstplaceletusdismisstheflight-hypothesis.With
suchafledglingtherecanbenoquestionofanythingotherthanabriefescapade;hewouldn’tbeabletogofar,whichmeansthathecouldn’thavegonebeyondtherueBlanche.Hewouldn’thavedaredventureintoanyotherdistrict.Mustwecomebacktotheideaoftheft,then?orofkidnapping?butwhowouldbeinterestedinsuchacolourlesscharacter,onewonders,exceptacolleague.Acolleaguewho’sgotstuck,andislookingforcharactersforhisnovel.Myclientmusthavebeenright.
AVOICEINTHEFOGComing,darling?MORCOLOh,oh?Whisperwhodares?AVOICEINTHEFOGDon’tbeafraid,mypopsy-copsy.MORCOLDoesthisanonymouspersonthinkhe’sbeingfunny?LN (appearing under the light of a street lamp: her shadow is projected along the pavement and
extendsintothedistance).Irepeat,myhandsome,whatIhavejustsaid:areyoucoming?MORCOLWhatfor?(toMorcol).Inanycaseitisn’tahe,it’sashe.LNWhatfor?that’sagoodone.Youwouldn’tbeavirginatyourage,wouldyou?(sherecognises
him).Hell!MORCOLIhaveafeeling,Mademoiselle,thatI’vemetyoubeforesomewhere.LN There’s no mystery about it. At the Globe and TwoWorlds Tavern, where I was having an
absinthewithafriend.MORCOL Ah yes. The young man who was one metre 77 tall and who wasn’t called Dicky
Ruscombe.LNThat’sright.MORCOLAndthisDickyRuscombe–hewouldn’tbyanychancebeoneofyourcustomers,would
he?LNIdon’tknowanyoneofthatname.MORCOL(toMorcol).Onemorereasontothinkthatitisn’taflight,butatheft.
LNSo?MORCOLSonothing.Good-byeMademoiselle.Ishallcontinuemyenquiry.LNWhataboutthetimeyou’vemademewaste?Idemandcompensation.MORCOLThat’slogical,sinceMademoiselleisonthebeat.LNI’mthedrummerofArcole.Shebeatshimgentlyonthestomach:itreverberates.MORCOLSearchmefromtoptotoe–youwillfindnothingbutReason.Here–here’safranc.LNThat’llcomeinhandyformypiggy-bank.MORCOL(aloneinthestreet).Justaninsignificantincident.LetusresumeourargumentatthepointwhereIleftit.Itcanonlybeacolleague.HeringsatLubert’sdoor.HUBERTWhoisit?MORCOLThedetective.Hubertopensthedoor.HUBERTAlready?Haveyoufoundhim?MORCOLNotyet.Keepcalm,keepcalm.HUBERTI’mdyingwithimpatience.MORCOLDiebyallmeansbutkeepcalm.My intellectualpowershavecausedme tochangemy
mind.Itcanonlybeatheft.Wecannotentirelyrejectthehypothesisthatitisoneofyourcolleagues,butIamalsoconsideringyourvariousacquaintances.Iwantyoutogivemethenamesandaddressesofallthepeopletowhomyouarelinkedbyanysortoftie,ofblood,ofhostility,butinparticularoffriendship.
Lubertdoesso.Morcolgoesout.HUBERT(alone).Ididn’tputMmedeChampvaux’snameonthelist.Iamamanofhonour.
V
Icaruswaswalkingalongtheembankment,hewaslookingatthebookstallsbuthedidn’tdaretouchtheoldbooksbecausehedidn’t likedust andanyway thebooksellers seemed to him tobe frighteningcharacters,Cerberusesdefendingtheirpropertyrather thanpleasantpresentersofspiritualnourishment.Theywouldreprimandyoufornoreasonatall.Hewasreadingthetitlesfromadistance,undertheshadeofthechestnuttrees.HewasneartheQuaideGesvreswhenoneofthetitlesattractedhisattention.Fourwords which in all innocence seduced him: The Principles of Mechanics. After much hesitation, headdressedthedealerintheseterms:
‘Monsieur,excuseme,pardonme,butpleasemayItouchthisbook?’BOOKSELLERByallmeans,youngman.Makeyourselfathome.ICARUSYouaren’tbeingironical?orjoking?Makingfunofme?BOOKSELLERYoucanreadmelikeanopenbook.Carryon!ICARUSIdarenot.BOOKSELLERHere!–I’llhelpyou.Hegetsupfromhiscampstool,picksupthebookandholdsitouttoIcarus.BOOKSELLERIt’sprettyheavy-going.ICARUSMayIreallyopenit?BOOKSELLERCarryon,youngman,consultit,inspectit,youwon’twearitout!ICARUSOh,thankyou,Monsieur.BOOKSELLERAreyouinterestedinmechanics?ICARUSNo,Monsieur,notverymuch,Idon’tunderstandthefirstthingaboutit.BOOKSELLER (taking the book out of his hands).With a bit of effort you’re sure to understand
something. Look – there are two volumes bound together: Vol. I consists of Pure Kinematics andTheoreticalMechanics,andVol.IIdealswiththeMechanicsofBodies.It’sabargain.
ICARUSAndisthisbookforsale?BOOKSELLERFiftycentimes.Arealbargain.ICARUSThewholeofmypocketmoney!BOOKSELLERComecome,youngman,thisisasacrificeyou’llneverregret.Thisbookwillteach
you thatallmovements thatareproduced in theuniverse,whetherwith theco-operationofourwillorindependentof it,aredue to forceswhichareexercisedon themoleculesofnaturalbodies andwhichchange according to their natural divisions. These variations in distance are manifested in the life ofanimalsandvegetables,andinexplosions,detonations,thefiringofprojectiles,etc.You’llfindallthisonp.242.
ICARUSCouldn’tweputupascreen,though,betweenanimallifeandthefiringofprojectiles?BOOKSELLERJustreadwhat’swritteninthisbook.Fiftycentimes,itsagift.ICARUSHereyouare,Monsieur.Hewalksoff,turningoverthepagesofthebook.ICARUSTheequilibriumofanobstructedsolidbody…interesting…andevenrathersad…
VI
DoctorLajoieprescribesalittleherbteaafterdinnerandalightbutnottoostrictdiet.‘Nochestnutpuréethen?’asksthesufferer.‘Nochestnutpurée’.’You’redeprivingmeofeverythinggoodinlife,’saysthesickman.‘Verywellthen,I’llallowyoutoconsoleyourselfwithtrufflesonSundaysandasmallcupofcoffee
aftereverymeal.That’llbetwofrancs.’Afterpocketingthetwofrancsandejectingthevaletudinarian,DoctorLajoiewentintohiswaiting
roomtoseeiftherewasanyonethere.DoctorLajoiewastheanxioustype,thesortofmanwhoalwayshasthefeelingthathehasn’tpostedhisletter,andwhochecksseventimesthathereallyhasboltedthedoor.Heknewperfectlywellthatnooneelsewaswaitingforhimintheroomsetasideforthatpurpose,yethehadtomakequitesurebeforeheshutupshopandwenttodineathisclub,forhewasabachelor,andhishousekeeperwhousuallyopenedthedoortohispatientshadgoneofftoconsultahealerintheprovinces.
He goes into the waiting room then, and there, to his great, to his very great surprise, he findssomeone. The someone and he look at each other in silence. Finally the Doctor says, in a voice thatbetrayssomeemotion:
‘Comein,Sir’.WhyhesaidSirhehasnoidea,hehasnot theslightestproofof thebritannicityof theanonymous
individual,butthelatterdoesnotseemsurprisedbythisdenomination.Hecomesin.‘Sitdown…Sir’,saystheDoctor.Hesitsdown.Silence.DOCTORWhatareyousufferingfrom,Sir?SIREverything.DOCTORAndyetyouaremobile.Youareevenverysubtlymobile. If Iamnotbeing indiscreet,
howdidyougetin?I’dshutthedoor.SIR(takingabunchofkeysoutofhispocket).Bymeansofmystethometer.DOCTORAh.(apause).Well,I’lllistentoyourchest.Takeyourclothesoff.SIRInevertakemyclothesoff.I’lltellyouwhatI’vegot:whininthescrotum,whiningnoisesinthe
stomach,parpensinthepancreas…DOCTOR(interruptinghim)Iseewhatitis.I’llgiveyouaprescription(hewritesitashespeaks).
Onegrammeofbicarbonateofsodaeverydayonrisinginaglassofwaterwithalittlesugarinit.Here.That’llbetwofrancs.
SIR(notunderstanding)Bicarbonateofsoda?DOCTORIt’samiraclemedicinethathasjustbeeninvented.
SIRHavemanyofyourpatientstakenit?Because,personallyyouknow,I’mratherwary.DOCTORMorethanahundred!Andalwayswithexcellentresults.SIRYouhaveagreatmanypatients,Isee.Manyfromthisneighbourhood?DOCTORIknowallthewritersandjournalistswholiveroundhereand,Imayadd,alltheir lady
friends.NotthatIwanttoboast.SIRIsMonsieurLubertapatientofyours?Thenovelist?DOCTORProfessionalsecrets…SIRI’mnotbeingindiscreet:itwashewhogavemeyourname.DOCTORIamobligedtohim.SIRAndamongsthiscircleofintimates…DOCTORWhat–morequestionstoaskme?IfIunderstandaright,you’reafalsepatient.SIRYoudounderstandaright.DOCTORAndafalseSir?SIRYouunderstandevenbetter.DOCTORMightyoubeanadventurer?SIRYourunderstandingfalters.DOCTORAsociologist,then?afollowerofLePlay,conductinganenquiry?SIRDon’tlet’sgooffatatangent.Let’sjustsupposethatIamnoone.DOCTORMonsieurOutis(toDoctorLajoie).Iamultra-cultured.SIRLetussupposethatwearetalkingquietlyamongfriends,thattherearethereforenoprofessional
secrets tobeconsidered; Iaska trivialquestion,quitecasually, incidentally, andyouanswer trivially,quitecasually,incidentally.
DOCTORIfIagree.SIRAmongyourrespectedpatients,isthereacertainDickyRuscombe?DOCTORAnEnglishman?Ihaven’tany.Notevenyou.SIRMyDickisn’tEnglish.He’sFrench.Ahyes,that’saquestionIforgottoaskhim.Butdoeshe
knowithimself?Inanycase,he’sonemetre76tall,hasstraighthair,adarkbrownnose,andwhatcoloureyes…
DOCTORYourremarks,falseSir,arebeginningtotakeonacertainmixedaspect.Mightyounotbesufferingfromslightmentalconfusion?
SIRThequestionthatyouincitemetoaskmyselfcausesmesincereanxiety.I’dneverthoughtofit.IsDickFrenchorisn’the,thatisthequestion.
DOCTORAswesayinFrench:voilàlehie.SIRNotthehie,theDick.DOCTORSoyou’relookingforthisman.Andwhy?SIRLetusdropthemask.IamMorcol,observationanddiscretion.Atyourservice.DOCTORI’mnotlookingforanyone.MORCOLDoctor,youarethephysicianofthefamousnovelist,HubertLubert.Andhe’ssuffering.DOCTORI’veneverprescribedanythingotherthanherbteaforhim.
MORCOLForreasonsofwhichIamunaware,nodoubtbecauseyouconsideredthattheworkhehasundertakenisinjurioustohishealth,topreventhimfromcontinuingityouhavedicknappedtheprincipalcharacterofhisnovel.
DOCTOR(stupefiedbythisneologism)Dicknapped?MORCOLWell,kidnapped,ifyoulike.DOCTORI!kidnap!commitacrime!You’rebarmy,MonsieurMorwhat?MORCOLMorcol.Observationanddiscretion.Atyourservice.DOCTORDon’tneedyourservice.Andastothedicknapping,Iindignantlyrejectsuchahypothesis.MORCOLLetmesearchyourpapers–andyourapartment.DOCTORYou’rebarmy,Irepeat.That’squiteclear.Youneed.treatment.MORCOLAgain!I’millandIdon’tknowit,wouldthatbeit?DOCTOR Since you don’t want any bicarbonate of soda, lie down on that couch and tell me
everythingthatcomesintoyourhead;it’lldoyougood.MORCOLAndwillthathelpmetofindmyDick?DOCTORAtleastitwillhelpyoutofindMorcolagain.MORCOLJustbytellingyouwhatcomesintomyhead?DOCTORPrecisely.MORCOLWhat?Somethinglikeflèched’orfishneithernormurdermostfoul?DOCTORYes.ThemethodofFreeAssociation.MORCOLAsyouwillhaveobserved,Iamnotignorantofit;it’sasortofmoralsearch,wouldn’t
yousay?DOCTORIngenious.MORCOLWell!I’mgoingtocarryoutaphysicalone.Morcolgoesthroughtheapartment,shakesbooks,movespapers.TheDoctorprudentlyallowshim
togetonwithit.DOCTOR(toDoctorLajoie)Averysickman.MORCOLExcusemeifIexcusemyself,butDickyRuscombeisnotinfacthere.We’llgoandlook
elsewhere:thankyou,Doctor.Hegoesout.DOCTORAverysickman.
VII
IcarusiswaitingforLN,smokingapartagasanddrinkingportwine.ICARUSIcanonlycongratulatemyselfonhavingescapedfrommyoriginator’spages.Whatcanhe
bedoingwithoutme,Iwonder.Hashefoundsomeonetoreplaceme?Hardlylikely,becauseI’mprettysurethatI’mirreplaceable.No,hemustbeataloss.He’slookingforme,he’ssearchingforme, that’scertain,thatfellowtheotherdayatthetavernwasinhispay.LNtoldmesoandsheknowsalotofthings.Buthe’llneverfindmehere.HubertmusthavethoughtthatIwouldn’tbeabletodowithouthim,thatIwouldn’tbeable tomanage,andhereIamwithmyboardandlodgingandall therest. Icanawait theabsenceofeventspeacefully,andgoonreadingthisbookontheoreticalmechanicsofwhichIunderstandpreciselynothing.
LN(comingbackfromherbeat)Mypet,I’vebroughtyoutheresultofaday’slabour:somebrawn,someRussian salad, a litre of redwine, and twelve francs fifty-four centimes. Iwas forgetting: someorangesandcakes from thepatisserieon thecorner: a cherry tart foryou, a creampuff formeandanalmondcaketosharebetweenus.Iloveyouandyou’llbehappy.
ICARUSIaminfacthappy;I’vebeenrescuedfrommyoriginatorandI’masfreeastheair(thoughI’velearntthatevensoitdoeshavealittleweight),I’mdreaming,andI’mgoingtohavesomebrawn.
LNLet’seat!Theyeat.LNI’mgoingbacktoworkandtonightwe’llhavesupperattheCaféAnglais.ICARUSAmIwell-enoughdressed?LNAtthemomentyou’requitenaked.I’llsendyouthetailor.
VIII
AClub.Clubarmchairs.Conversation.JACQUESItseemsthatGoncourthaslefthisfortune–hisconsiderablefortune–tofoundaprizeto
rewardthebestworkofimaginationoftheyear.JEANWhatdoesmoneymatter:gloryisenoughforus.JACQUESOh! glory… I sometimes perceive its distant effluvia whenmy nose approaches the
windowofmyivorytower…distanteffluvia…distant…JEANPosterityisonyourside.JACQUESIshallbereadhalfacenturyhence,notbefore.JEANIshallbefamousinmylifetime,andyouwhenyouaredead.JACQUESJustbetweenourselves,andseeingthattherearen’tanyjournalistslistening,Isometimes
saytomyselfthatposterityisalongwayoff.Evenso,though,posterityisstillposterity,it’snotnothing.JEANPah!That’s justwhat it is,posterity–nothingness.Personally I like toanticipatemyglory.
WhatdoIcareifmynamefiguresinaHistoryofFrenchLiteraturebysomefutureBrunetière.I’dratherhaveafavourablereviewbyJulesLemaîtreorAnatoleFrance.
JACQUESInshort,degustibus…JEANNonestdiscutandum.Let’sforgetaboutourdifferentpointsofviewwhich,afterall,areonly
ofpurelysubjectivevalue–ittheyareoranyvalueatall,thatis–andtellme,mydearJacques,howyouaregettingonwithyourwork.
JACQUESWell,I’mstillwritingmynovel.JEANWhatisitabout?Youdidtellmesomethingaboutittheotherday,butinasomewhatobscure
fashion.JACQUESItisn’taboutanything.JEANNotaboutanything!That’smostsurprising.JACQUESIwantedtogivetheimpressionofthecolourmauve.JEANGoon,younotonlysurpriseme,youinterestme.JACQUESIfIhadchosentogivetheimpressionofthecolourviolet,Ishouldhavewrittenanovel
aboutecclesiasticalcircles.Forexample,anambitiouspriestwithhiseyeonabishopric,perhapsevenonthepapacy.He’shopingtobecomethefirstFrenchsovereignpontiff.
JEANWho’sdressedinwhite,notinviolet.JACQUESThat’swhyIgaveuptheidea.OrelseIwouldhavewrittenaboutageologistwhohad
specialisedinthestudyofamethysts;orabotanistwhowasanexpertonaubergines.JEANButmauve?JACQUESInthefirstplaceit’samoderncolour,andthat’swhatIwanttobe–modern.JEANHowdoyoumean,amoderncolour?JACQUESItdoesn’tappearintheLittrédictionary:allitgivesisthenounwhichreferseithertoa
plant–themallow–ortoadialectwordforasea-gull.
JEAN It’s true that it isn’t often employed as an adjective. And how do you see it, thismoderncolour?
JACQUESAverypaleviolet.JEANTherearen’tmanyobjectsofthatcolour,eithernaturalorartificial.JACQUESThesky,sometimes,whenthere’sastormbrewing,orwhenthetwilightispreparing to
extinguishthesun.That’swhyIamwritinganaerial,nottosaycelestial,novel.JEANButwon’ttherebeanythingelseinitbutmauve?JACQUESAdultery.JEANAdultery!Ifeverasubjecthasbeendonetodeath,ifImaysayso,thatonehas.Inanycase,
allwenovelistsofthedecliningcenturywriteaboutadultery.It’sbeginningtogetboring.That’sallIeverdo!Youdisappointme.Andyouhaveyoureyeonposterity?Yououghttochoosesomethinglessfin-de-siècle.
JACQUESYes,buttheadulterywillbemauve.JEANThat’soutoftheordinary.JACQUESIcertainlyhopeso.JEANAndhaveyougotallyourdramatispersonaetogether?Thehusband?Thewife?Thelover?JACQUESOfcourse.Thehusbandistheironmaster,PolydoredeRoubézieux,thewife’sChristian
name isVitalie, néeDupont, but of the baronial family of that name.And the lover is the very youngAdalbertdeChamissac-Piéplu.WhenIsaylover,Imeanfuturelover,becausenothinghashappenedsofar.
JEANAndthisChamissac-Piéplu,howlongisitsinceyoustartedhim?JACQUESForty-eighthours.JEANHowdoyouimaginehim?JACQUESOnemetre76,darkbrownhair,straightnose.Andhiseyes,naturally,aremauve.HUBERT(fromthedepthsofanearbyarmchairwherehehasheardthewholeconversation).Notthe
slightestdoubt,he’sthethief.ImusttellMorcol.EventhoughIcarus’seyesaren’tmauve.JEAN(toJacques)Andwheredoeshelive?JACQUESThat’sobvious.Can’tyouguess?JEANRueBleue.
IX
IcarusiswaitingforLN,smokingapartagasanddrinkingportwine.HeislookingatanumberofL’lllustration.Thebellrings.Hegoesandopensthedoor.
THEVISITORIcanseeyouneedme.I’mthetailor.ICARUSDidLNsendyou?TAILORMademoiselleLNdidinfactaskmetocall.Iwasadvisedofthestateyouarein.And in
anycase,Iamnotalone.EnterTHESHIRTMAKERTHEBOOTMAKERTHEHABERDASHERTHEHATTERTHESTICKANDUMBRELLAMERCHANTTheyareallcarryingcardboardboxes.ICARUSSomanypeoplejusttodressme!TAILOR You’re starting from scratch. (Directing the operations). Every morning we start from
scratch.Todressamanistodressaworld.Westartwiththefeet:herearethesocks.Foryourlegs,someunderpants,ashirtforyourtorso,acollarfortheneck,anddon’tforgetthecuffs.Andthenwestartagain:shoes,trousers,braces,waistcoat,tie,jacket,hat.Andastickoracane.Nowyouareequippedtofacethegreatworld.Agreatcoatforthewinter,abum-freezerformid-season.
TAILOR(withdrawingwithhistroupe).Weweregivenaworm,andweturneditintoalion.
X
Jacques’sapartment.Heissmokingapartagasanddrinkingaglassofportwine.Ontheright,onhisdesk, themeticulously tidypagesofhis forthcomingnovel.HenryIIstyle furniture.Cordoba leather.Afewsmallpicturesinhugewoodenframes(wecan’tquitemakeoutwhether it’soakorebony).Chair-railsroundthewalls.
Enterhisvalet.MANDEMonsieur,aMonsieurwishestoseeMonsieur.JACQUESWhatdoeshewant?MANDEHe’s a journalist from theGaulois. He wants to write a column aboutMonsieur, with
Monsieur’scollaboration.JACQUESShowhimin!Hecomesin.Heis:MORCOLMonsieur.ExcusemeifIexcusemyself…JACQUESNotatall,notatall. Iworkforposterity,but Ineitherdisdainnordespisecolumnists.
Takeaseat,mydearfellow.Mandé,someportwineforMonsieur.Morcoltakesaseatanddrinkshisportwine.HesmackshislipsandstaresatJacques’spartagas.JACQUESYouareasybarite,mydearfellow.Heoffershimapartagas.Morcolbitesoneendoff, lights theother and, as a consequence, starts
puffingoutsmoke.JACQUESWell,mydearfellow,whatgoodwindbringsyouhere?MORCOLTheNorthwind,Maître,theonethatwillblowtheMontgolfierofyourfametowardsthe
Mediterraneanofyourglory!Butfirstofall,maywetalkalittleaboutyourbook.It’strue,isn’tit,thatitsheroisoneDickyRuscombe?
JACQUESDickyRuscombe?Notatall.He’scalledAdalbertdeChamissac-Piéplu.MORCOLAreyousurehe’snotcalledDicky?…aBritishabbreviationforRichard,according to
thedictionary.JACQUES (hitting himself on the forehead). But of course! I’d forgotten. His second name is
Richard,andwhenhewassmallhisEnglishnannyusedtocallhimDicky.Howcouldyouhaveguessedthat?
MORCOLYouadmitit,then?JACQUES (laughing). I admit everything. There is indeed a character calledRichard inmy next
novel.Ah!thesejournalists!MORCOL(jumpingforjoy.Crazywithjoy,even).Headmitsit!He’sadmittedit!JACQUESStrangebehaviourforacolumnist–evenaliteraryone.MORCOL(calmer).Comeon–givehimback!JACQUESWhat?What’sthat?Givehimback?Givewhomback?Uponmylife,thismanisoutof
histhinkingmind.
MORCOLComeon.Wedon’twantanytrouble.Tellmewhereyou’rehidingthisRichard.JACQUES But I’m not hiding him! He is very much in evidence. And in any case, if you are
interested,andinspiteofthefactthatyourattitudestrikesmeasbeingmostextraordinary,Icangiveyouhisaddress,becauseIhavegivenhimahouseofhisown.Helives…
MORCOLIntherueBleue?JACQUESBecausethereisn’tarueMauveinParis.Atnumber13A.MORCOLIsthatanoddnumber?JACQUESOh,youknow,whenitcomestomathematics,I…MORCOLIt’sofnoimportance.Ishallrunalltheway!And,infact,hegoesoutrunning.JACQUESThat’strue–is13Aanevennumberoranoddnumber?Pah!WhatdoIcare.Inanycase,
it’samauvenumber.
XI
Inthestreet.TheDoctorgetsoutofacabthathasstoppedathisdoor.Heproffersamoderatelysatisfactorytip.THECABMANThanks,gov!Thecabdrivesoff.THEDOCTOR(ringing).AmIhappy?Inotherwords,oughtItogetmarried?Isitveryoddtocome
home to a solitary apartment? Wouldn’t it be less odd to know that you were being awaited by acantankerous termagant like the ones you see in the humorous papers I read? I read them because Iprovidethemformypatientstoreadinmywaiting-room.Ievenreadthemverycarefully,becauseIcutoutallthecaricaturesthatattackusdoctorsand,astheysay,makealaughingnight-scentedstockofus.Inshort,amIhappy?Inanycase,theexerciseofmyprofessionaffordsmeacertainsatisfaction.Yes,itisn’tlike thewriterswhose discussions I overheard just now atmy club. Their activities cause them suchanguish.Suchanxiety!Therealwaysseemstobeadoubtabouttheirart.Andyet itcan’tbedifficult towriteanovel,allyouhave todo is recounta truestory.AndIcertainlyknowsometruestories!But Idon’twanttobecomeanovelist. IwonderwhyHubert,Jean,JacquesandSurget,whohonourmewiththeircustomwhenever they’re suffering from the slightest trifle,never askme for ideas.Butno– theyinvent them.Ahwell (he rings again).They invent themso successfully that they sometimes even losetheircharacters.It’sasifIweretolosemypatients!
Helaughs.Thedooropens.AVOICEINTHENIGHTGoodevening,Doctor.DOCTORWellwell:goodevening,LN.Youhaven’tcometoconsultme,haveyou?LNNo,Iwasonmywayhometodress.I’mhavingsupperattheCafeAnglaistonight.DOCTORAprince?…LNNono;I’mplayinghostess.DOCTORLuckyman.HekissesLNontheforehead.Justasheisabouttogoin,shecomesback.LNDoctor.DOCTORWhatisit,mydear?LNYouknowallthewritersandjournalistsinthisneighbourhood–youdon’tbyanychanceknowa
M.Lubert,doyou?DOCTORIndeedIdo.He’soneofmypatients.LNHowishe?DOCTORThat’saveryindiscreetquestion.LNOh,excuseme.DOCTORWellwell.Asamatteroffact–withwhomareyouhavingsupperthisevening?LNThat’saveryindiscreetquestion,Doctor.DOCTORLetussaynomore,then.
Thistimeheshutsthedoorbehindhim.
XII
Atno.13ArueBleue.MORCOLWorthyguardianofthisbuilding,isM.Chamissac-Piépluathome?CONCIERGENoMonsieur.MORCOLWheremightIfindhim,worthyguardianofthisbuilding?CONCIERGEM.Chamissac-PiépluistakingsupperattheCaféAnglais.MORCOLIshallrunalltheway!Inthestreet.MORCOL(runningwithhiselbowstuckedintohissides).Andnow,enroutefortheCaféAnglais!
Every step I take bringsme nearer to that centre of filthy lucre, luxury and lordly lewderywhere thefortunes of young toffs and handsome old barons aremade and lost, where they are dissipated – thefortunes–in thehandsofsemi-demi-repsanddemi-mondainesauxcamélias.Theplacewhere theyeattruffleswithfoiegras,caviarwithlentils,quailsencaisse,OstendoysterswasheddownwithTokayandfire-water,notforgettingthechampagnethatflowsonitsnoxiousandvaporouswayfromprivateroomtoprivate room.Theplacewhere themost famousadulteries are consummated and consumed.TheplacewhereKingsdebauchmidinetteswho thoughchastenevertheless experienceagreatneed for affection.TheplacewhereRussianprincesamongotherscometoexhausttheirSlavoniccharmatthesametimeastheirgoldroubles.Zounds!WhatagoodrunnerIam.I’mnotevenoutofbreath.
HearrivesattheCaféAnglaisandisabouttogoin.THE PORTER A BIG BURLY MAN Stand back, plebeian! We don’t want you sullying our
renownedvelvetswithyoursweat.MORCOL(makingaclinkingsoundwithhispurse).I’mnotshortofshekels.THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANWhatarericheswithoutclass?MORCOLBut…THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANStandback,vileyn.MORCOLAllright,allright…Hegoesoffmurmuring:Ishallhavetoresorttocunning.ThePorteraBigBurlyMandoesn’thear,owingtoaslightcaseofdeafness.
XIII
StilloutsidetheCaféAnglais.Ayoungmanandayoungladyappearatthedoor.THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANHalt!youngpeople.ShouldIletyouin?LNAndwhy,bigburlyman,shouldyounotletusin?THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANDoyoudeservetobeletin?Idon’tknowyou.LNYouwillknowmefromnowon,becauseIaminfullflight.Ishallrisehighinthehalloffame,
and be lauded to the skies. And I am accompanied by a young man of excellent family who is alsodestinedforabrilliantfuture.
THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANIonlyhaveyourwordforit.LNComeon,letusin,bigburlyman!Ourpocketsarefullofshekels–andaren’tweelegant?Shegoesin,followedbyIcarus,whosmilestimidlyatthebigburlyporter.THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANA very recently-acquired elegance. Still, in our profession,
whatdon’twesee,whatdon’twehear?Inourprofessionyoumightsaythatwestandatawindowthatlooksoutontotheworld.Astrangelittleworld–inotherwords,theworldofriotanddissipation.Withahop!andaskip!thisriotanddissipationtakesplaceundermyveryeyes,Iknowallitsmysteries,allitssecrets,allitsdeviations,butonedaywhenI’vemademyfortuneandgotmynest-eggtuckedawayIshallcomebackhereintheguiseofacaviarisedRussianprincewithabeavercoatandastrakhanboots,I’llbeas furryasabearandasabundantasa tip,and I shallexperience the joysand fatiguesofwildnightswhich at the moment, seen as a spectacle, rather tend to nauseate me. However that may be, for themoment I shall just watch it go by, this lavish, perfumed life which occasionally jettisons into myoutstretchedhandtheoddcomplacenthalf-farthing.
AYOUNGMANHothere,burlyman,isthistheCaféAnglais?THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANYes,milord,itisindeed.YOUNGMANInthatcase,Ishallgoin.THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANSeeingthatyoulookasifyouareweigheddownwithpounds
sterling,ourSesameswillopenoftheirownaccord.Whichtheydo(withtheaidofahumanhand).Theyoungmangoesin.MAITRED’HOTELHasMonsieurreservedhisprivateroom?YOUNGMANMonsieurJacqueshasreservedatableinmyname.MAITRED’HOTELWouldMonsieurbesogoodastoremindmeofhisname?YOUNGMANChamissac-Piéplu.MAITRED’HOTEL(bowing)Monsieur…Thisway,please…Chamissac-Piéplusitsdownatatable.LNandIcarusareatthenexttable:adishofOstendoysters
hasjustbeenplacedinfrontofthem.Thereisasoundoflittlewavelets.
MAITRE D’HOTEL (to Chamissac-Piéplu). Monsieur desires … Monsieur is waiting for …Monsieurwishes…Monsieurrequires…
CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUCouldn’tyoustopthatnoise?MAITRED’HOTELWhatnoise,Monsieur?CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUCan’tyouhearit?MAITRED’HOTELAll I can hear,Monsieur, is joyous, jingling conversations, glasses rhyming
withknivesandforksand,floatingoverthisensemble,thesoundofthegypsybandpom-pommingthetunethatisthelatestfashion.
CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUStupidMaîtred’hôtel, Iamspeakingof thenoise thosepeoplearemakingwiththeirOstendoysters.
MAITRED’HOTELMonsieur…really…Idon’tunderstand.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUYou don’t understand! That’s a good one! You don’t understand! But you
shouldunderstand,myfriend.Comeon,getthoseostreophagistswiththeirlamellibranchestokeepquiet.MAITRED’HOTELMonsieur…ifMonsieurwillallowme…CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUIwillnotallowyou…MAITRED’HOTELifMonsieurwillallow…willpermit…me…Ican’thearanynoise…only
just the lapping sound of little wavelets which, I would have thought, could hardly inconvenienceMonsieur…butrather,onthecontrary,conjureupforhimtheideaofozone,health,theopensea…
CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUThatistoomuch.Weshallsee.Hegetsupandgoesovertothenexttable.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLU (to Icarus).Monsieur,may I request you to ceasemaking that clatterwith
youroystersintheirshells,itisanoisethatIcannottolerate.LN(toIcarus).Sockhimone.ICARUSWemightperhapsdiscussthematterfirst.LNThere’snowayofdiscussinganythingwithaloutlikethat.ICARUSWhatdoIdo,then?LNYouslaphisface.IcarusslapsChamissac-Piéplu’sface.CHAMMISAC-PIEPLUThatwasjustified,Iagree.Hereismycard,Monsieur.ICARUSThanks.(heputsitinhispocketwithoutreadingit).CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUWell!aren’tyougoingtogivemeyours?ICARUSCardshaveInone.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUYouhaven’tavisitingcard?ThenI’mnotsurethatitwouldbethedonething
tofightyou.Enteragentlemanwithalongbeard.GENTLEMAN WITH A LONG BEARD Allow me to introduce myself: I am the Marquis de
Locrom.Iamwellversedinaffairsofhonour.Whybeataboutthebush?Ihavesomesecondsathand,soyoucanfightyourduelwithoutmoreado.
ICARUSI’mnotgoingtointerruptmysupperforsuchatrifle.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUAndIdon’tseehow…inthemiddleofthenight…
GENTLEMANWITHALONGBEARDYoucanfightbytorch-light.Followme,Messieurs.LNGoon,pet.I’llwaitforyou.You’veneverfoughtaduelbefore,soluck’sonyourside.ICARUSAllright.Ifthat’sthewayitis…LN(alone)Whatacharmingyoungman. I lovehim, that’squitecertain.Withonesingle,unerring
bullethe’llkillthatgentleman.Weliveinanagewhentheduelisjustasacceptedacustomasitwasinthedaysof theThreeMusketeers.Nodoubt itwas the successof that famousnovelwhich for the lastgeneration or two has brought the duel back in fashion. It wasn’t practised during the Revolution.Robespierredidn’tfightaduelwithDanton.Somesay,though,thatit’sofficersonthereservewhoareresponsiblefortherestorationofthiscustom.PersonallyIratherinclinetothebelief that it’s theThreeMusketeers.Well anyway,whatever the reason,wewomen have to resign ourselves to this barbarouspractice.ForayeaoranayweruntheriskofourPrinceCharmingcomingbacktouswithasword-holeorabullet-holethroughhim,andsometimesmoredeadthanalive.Icarus!Butit’sIcarus!Iwasgoingtosayalready,butthatwouldn’thavebeenverykind.
ICARUSYes,hereIam.Curious,curiousaffair.LNDidyoukillhim?ICARUSFarfromit.Heranaway.LNThecoward.ICARUSTherewasa flywaitingoutside, theMarquisThingummypushesCountwhat’s-his-name
intoit,andHome,James,anddon’tsparethehorses!Countwhat’s-his-nameseemedtobeputtingupastruggle,perhapsitwasmoreanabductionthanaflight.
LNIcallthatfishilysuspicious.Nevermind,let’seatourOstendoysters.Soundoflittlewavelets.
XIV
HUBERT(sittinginfrontofablankpieceofpaper).Obviously,Icouldcontinuewithsomeof theother characters, but I’m fondof Icarus and I shan’t goonwithout him.Ah! Icarus! Icarus!why try toeludethefateforwhichIhaddestinedyou?Wherehaveyoulanded,inattemptingtotryoutyourwings?Iawaityourreturn,whethervoluntaryorinvoluntary.Inthemeantime,allIcandoisstare,dry-eyed,atthathard,forgottenlakewhich,underthehoar-frost, ishauntedbytheabsenceofacharacter.Whatafate–thatofanovelistwithoutcharacters!Perhapsthatishowitwillbeforallofus,oneday.Wewon’thaveanymore characters.We shall become authors in search of characters.The novelwill perhaps not bedead,but itwon’thavecharacters in itanymore.Difficult to imagine, anovelwithoutcharacters.Butisn’tallprogress,ifprogressexists,difficulttoimagine?Totellthetruth,progressstupefiesme.YoucannowgofromParistoNiceinlessthantwodays,theFairyElectricityisbeginningtoilluminatethetownsand,whoknows,perhapseventhecountrysideoneday,thetelegraphcrossestheAtlantic,balloonsaresoongoingtobeasdirigibleashorsesaredriveable:wherewillprogressstop?Wherewillitcometorest?Inliteraturethesymbolistshavealreadydoneawaywith thearithmeticofmetreandtherigourofrhyme,they’llbeabolishingpunctuation,next.Hm!cometothinkofit,thatwouldn’tbeabadidea,abitofdecadentpoetryinmynovel.Intheshape,forinstance,ofaprofessorof…
Thebellrings.HUBERT(atthedoor).Whorings,atthislatehour?AVOICEIt’sme.Morcol.HUBERT(openingthedoor).Haveyouanynews?Herecoils.Morcolenters,precededbyacharacterinwhosebackheisholdingapistol.MORCOL(takingoffhisbeard,andatthesametimeexclaimingtriumphantly):Hereheis!HUBERTHerewhois?MORCOLBut–yourman!HUBERT(lookingcloselyatChamissac-Piéplu).Thatisn’the.MORCOLWhatd’youmean,isn’the!YoususpectedJacquesofhavingpinchedhimfromyou.HUBERTImaywellhave,butmysuspicionturnsouttohavebeenill-founded.Thisgentlemanbears
absolutelynoresemblancetothecharacterwhoescapedfrommypapers.(toChamissac-Piéplu)Monsieur,IhopeyouwillbesogoodastoexcuseMonsieur.Therehasbeen
amistake.Morcol,highlyannoyedputshispistolaway.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUWhatsortofajestisthis?Ifinditdistasteful.Andyou,Monsieur,whathave
youdonewithyourbeard?MORCOLIputitbackinmypocket,tosavewearandtear.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUAndwhataboutmyduel?MORCOLThat’snoneofmybusiness,now.HUBERTWhatduel?
MORCOLApretext.Hetookitseriously.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUAreyouimplyingthatmyadversarywasyouraccomplice?MORCOLInvoluntarily.Asamatteroffact…(hefallssilentandbecomewraptinthought).HUBERT(toChamissac-Piéplu).Monsieur,youarefree.Withourapologies.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUIt’sallverywellforyou!Butmydueliswrecked.Ishallpassforacoward.
Whatwillpeoplethinkofme!MORCOLThat’sofnointeresttous.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUIshallgoandcomplaintoMonsieurJacques.HUBERTWhateveryoudo,don’tdothat!AnexcellentcolleaguewhomIwouldhatetoupset.What
canIdo,Monsieur,toobligeyou,andtorightthewrongMonsieurhasdoneyou?CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUIcanseeonlyonesolution.Takemebacktomypointofdepartureandactas
mysecondinthisaffairofhonour.HUBERTMonsieur,mywordismybond.Iamyourman.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUComeon,then.HUBERTButwhereto?CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUANDMORCOL(ensemble)TotheCaféAnglais!
XV
At theCaféAnglais Icarus andLNare finishing their supper.Theyaregettingoutside abottle ofGrandCrémant.LNpassesherhandbagunder the table. Icaruspays thebill and leaves an Icarian tip,that’stosayamodestone,becauseheisn’tyetversedinthewaysofsociety.LNtactfullymakesitupbyslippinganextralouisd’orinthemaîtred’hôtel’smitt.
MAITRED’HOTELWaseverythingtoMonsieurandMadame’sliking?LNVerymuchtotheirliking.TheOstendoysterswereabitsnotty.Thefoiegraswasabitbloody.In
short,perfect.Adeluxerestaurant.MAITRED’HOTELAndtheduelthatwassocomfortablydespatchedinnotimeatall–thatwasa
pleasure.ICARUSAmystery,rather.LNDon’tunderestimateyourmerits.Youputavulgariantoflight–itwasmorethanaduel,itwasa
lesson.Wasn’tit,Maîtred’hôtel?MAITRED’HOTELYes,Madame. I hopewe shall have the pleasure of seeing you again soon,
Madame;andyou,Monsieur.LNandIcarusleave.MAITRED’HOTELWhatacharmingcouple–butanyonecouldpredicttheirfuture.Theyoungman
isnomoreanoblemanthanheisthesonofthevillagenotary:hewon’tgofar.She’llfindanotheradmirerwhowillberichandinfluential,he’llbecomejealous,ah,it’stheold,oldstoryandIknowitbyheart.I’vereadagreatmanynovelsandIknowwhathappensnext.He’llstartmakingscenes,she’lltellhimtogotoblazes,he’llreactwithanoblegesture,he’dratherstarve,aconfrontation,animpulsiveaction,andpfft!he’soutonhisear.Hewon’ttryandfindanotheronebecausehe’sstillinlovewiththisoneanditwon’tevenoccurtohimthattheotheronecouldalsoprovidehimwiththemeansofexistence.He’snotthe stuff that pimps aremade of.He’ll become a drunkard, or a beggar, ormaybe he’ll even join theForeignLegion.Wellwell,here’sourerstwhileduellistcomingback.Monsieur…
CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUWherehasthegentlemanwhowassittingatthistablegone?MAITRED’HOTELAsMonsieurwillbeabletoobserve,hehasfinishedhissupperandleftwith
theladywhowasaccompanyinghim.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUWhowashe?Wheredoeshelive?MAITRED’HOTELMonsieur,Ihavenoidea;absolutelynoidea.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUYourignorancegrievesme.Myfirstduel…Astainonmyhonour…Ithink
I’mgoingtocry…tomissmyfirstduel…MORCOLPah!Thereareasgoodfishintheseaasevercameoutofit.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLU(suddenlylosinghistemper).Andit’sallbecauseofyou!Imbecile!Here–
here’smycard.I’llhaveatleastoneduel.MORCOLMonsieur,yourrequestisunacceptable.Inmycapacityasdetective,Idon’tfightduels;it
ismyduty,rather,topreventthem.
CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUIcan’tbearit…mypoorduel…(hebreaksdown).HUBERTComecome,bebrave!Look,we’llshareabottleofchampagneandthenI’lltakeyouback
toM.Jacques.ButnowIcometothinkofit–perhapsyouhaven’thadsupper…?CHAMISSAC-PIEPLU(overwhelmed).I’mhungry.HUBERTMaîtred’hôtel,atable.MAITRED’HOTELThisoneisawaitingyouwithopenarms.TheysitdownatthetablethatIcarusandLNhavevacated.MAITRED’HOTELWhatwouldMessieursliketostartwith?CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUOstendoysters.
XVI
MORCOLLet us sum up the situation and, like the captain of an ocean-going liner, I’ll take ourbearings.InthefirstplacethereissomethingthatImustfirstofallrecord:IhadahellofagoodmealattheCaféAnglais,andforthefirsttimeinmylife,what’smore.MonsieurLubertisbeginningtotreatmelikeafriend,heinvitesmetosupwithhim!Perhapshe’sforgottenmyinferiorposition,orperhapsI’vegoneupapeg.Whateverthereason,Ihadamagnificentmeal.TheOstendoysterisasuperbanimal, thestuffedturkeywasn’tbadeither,theptarmigantartwithtruffleswasremarkableforitsdelicacyandthelittlevanilla-flavouredcoconutsoufflesdidn’tdispleaseme.Inthesecondplacethereisasecondthingthat Imust record: the presence at theCaféAnglais of the little grisette I saw at theGlobe and TwoWorldsTavernwiththatvagueyoungmanwhowasonemetre77tallwhomIquestionedintheapprovedmanner and who isn’t Dicky Ruscombe. That they should frequent the Café Anglais was certainly asurprise,butonefromwhichatthemomentIseenoconclusiontobedrawn.Inthethirdplace,finally,bymanipulatingthesextant,thecompassandthemagnetisedneedleofmyprofession–ariskymetaphor,forIdon’treallyknowiftheseareinfacttheinstrumentsusedforthispurpose,totakeone’sbearings,Imean–the only thing left for me to do now is to carry out the routine work of visiting successively allM.Lubert’scolleagues,whoarenumerous,butIamnotdevoidofpatience,norM.Lubertofthespondulicsnecessarytosupportsuchanenquiry.Finally,inthefourthplace,havingthustakenourbearings,theonlylatitude left tome now is to seek the longitude ofmy hammock, whichwe shall now do not withoutpleasure.
XVII
Icaruswasupfirst,hewentdowntobuysomecroissants,oncredit,whichhadn’tyetbeenkilledbybad debtors.Hewent up again,made himself some coffee and breakfasted alone,while LNwas stillasleep.AfterwhichhereadhisTreatiseonTheoreticalMechanics,andthelessheunderstooditthemoreheenjoyedit.
AfterthatLNwokeup,andallwasLaughterandFrolic;thenshestartedherdaynotwithcroissantsandcoffee,butwithbrawnsalad,towhichshewasverypartial,andafewgoodglassesofredwine,adrinkwhichsheparticularlyappreciated.
Sheworkedintheafternoonsandearnedagreatdealofmoney,thusamplifyinganest-eggwhichinthenearfuturewouldenablehertochangeherprofession.Icaruspotteredaboutinthemodestapartmentand, after takinggreat pains over his toilet, later in the daywent down to drink some absinthes at theGlobeandTwoWorldsTavernwhilehewaitedforLNtoreappear.Thentheywentandhadsupper,butsincethestrangeepisodeoftheabortivedueltheyavoidedtheCaféAnglais;inanycaseLNconsideredthatitwasafterallabitexpensive.
SometimesLNwasbusyintheeveningstoo,butthisdidn’tparticularlysurpriseIcarus.
XVIII
Hubert issmokingapartagassitting in frontofsomeblanksheetsofpaper.He ismelancholicallydrinkingportwine.Thebellrings.It’sMorcol.
MORCOLMonsieur,Ihavecometogiveyouanaccountofmymission.HUBERT(wearily).Stillnegative,youraccount?MORCOL(enthusiastically).Stillnegative.Butit’sthedetailsthatcount.HUBERT(verywearily).I’mlistening.MORCOL(delighted)Monsieur,Idon’tknowhowtoexpressmygratitudeinsofarasthemission
you have entrusted to me is concerned. I have never yet performed such an interesting mission. Yes,Monsieur, now Iknowall your colleaguespersonally!There is not a single novelistwhom I have notauscultated,beheaworldling,anaturalist,asymbolist,aregionalist,anhistorian,ornomatterwhat.Ihaveevenincludedepicpoetsinmyenquiry:theyareararebreed,itistrue,butwemustn’tneglectanypossibility.Andyoucannotbutadmire,Monsieur,myintelligenceandinitiative:Ihaveevenvisitedourplaywrights.
HUBERTThatwasprettyuseless.MORCOLIdon’tseewhy.Therearecharactersinplays,aswell.Infact,that’sallthereis.HUBERTYes,buttheyaren’tthesame.Acharacterinanovelcan’tbecomeacharacterinaplay.MORCOLIbegyourpardon,Ibegyourpardon,MonsieurLubert.Idon’tagree.Idon’tseewhya
characterinanovelcan’tbecomeacharacterinaplay.Andtosupportmyargument,letmecitecertainplays that havebeen adapted fromnovels.For example,M.deGoncourt and his FilleElisa, itwas anovel,andthenitbecameaplay,andyet theyare thesamecharacters.Andacharacter inanovelmayeventurnintoasinger.Manon,forexample,whichwasanovelandthenbecameanopera(andperhapsevenacomicopera).Idon’tseewhatyoucanfindtosaytothat.Haha!I’mbeginningtounderstandabitabout these thingsnow.I’verubbedupagainstsomanymembersofyourcorporationthat it’smademequitephosphorescent.
HUBERTIbegyourpardon!Ibegyourpardon!theyarenotthesamecharacters,theyaredifferentones.Theybearthesamename,buttheyhavenothingincommon,d’youhear?–NOTHING.IsthethirdrateactresswhiningAdieu,ourlittletable–thesameastheAbbéPrévost’sManonLescaut?No,misterdetective.No:theyaretwodifferentcharacters.
MORCOLDon’tagree.HUBERT(nauseated). Inanycase,even ifyouarenowshowingsignsof literarypretentions, you
haven’thadmuchsuccessinthefieldofdetection.MORCOLPatience!patience!yourDickywon’teludemeforlong.HUBERTMyDicky?WhydoyoucallhimDicky?MORCOLIcallhimDickybecauseyoucallhimDicky.HUBERTIdon’tcallhimDicky,IcallhimIcarus.
MORCOLFirstI’veheardofit.Didn’tyousay:Ishan’tbeabletoworkuntilthemystery’ssolvedandDickyRuscombe’sback?Ruscombewashissurname,Ipresumed.
HUBERTHisnameisIcarus,andthat’sthat.MORCOL.AndherehaveIbeenlookingeverywhereforaDicky…Whatdidyousayitwas,then:
Icarus?Justoneword?HUBERTYes.Iseeehareyouess.MORCOLIcarus?That’snotaChristianname,I’veneverseenit in thecalendarofsaints.It’shis
surname,isit?HUBERTIt’sjustaname,that’sall.MORCOLThenI’llhavetostartmyenquiryagainfromscratch,Isuppose?HUBERTObviously,ifyouwerelookingforaDicky.MORCOLWellwell, that’s amistake that’s going to cost you dear,MonsieurLubert. I’ll need a
furtheradvanceoftwentylouis.HUBERTYouaredangerously ruiningme.Andhowcan I tell that you’ll knowbetter how to set
aboutitfromnowon?MORCOLMonsieur,withtheelementsthatIhavehithertoneglected,theplotnowthickensaround
thenameofIcarus.Butasinthecaseofamayonnaise,thiscanonlybeagoodsign,andIamconfidentthatwhatisnowabouttohappenintheStendhalianphenomenonofcrystallisation.Itisnownomorethanaquestionofacentimetre.
XIX
AttheGlobeandTwoWorldsTavern.ICARUS(sittinginfrontofhisfifthabsinthe).ImightcompareabsinthetoaMontgolfier.Itelevates
thespiritastheballoonelevatesthenacelle.Ittransportsthesoulastheballoontransportsthetraveller.Itmultipliesthemiragesoftheimaginationastheballoonmultipliesone’spointsofviewovertheterrestialsphere.Itisthefluxwhichcarriesdreamsastheballoonallowsitselftobeguidedbythewind.Letusdrink,then,letusswiminthemilky,greenishwaveofdisseminatedoneiricimages,inthecompanyofmysurroundinghabitués:theirfacesaresinisterbuttheirabsinthedheartsabsentthemselvesalongabstruseandmaybeabyssineabscissae.
LN(comingin)Mypet!that’syourhowmanieth?ICARUSMyseventh.LNButyou’veonlygotfivesaucers.ICARUSIwasanticipating.I’mananticipatorycharacter.LNYou’reinagoodmood,Isee.Waiter,thesame.Weren’tyouboredwithoutme?ICARUSNotatall.Iwaswaitingforyou.LNWouldyouhavebeenequallypleasedtowaitlongerforme?ICARUSI’llwaitforyouaslongasyoutellmeto.LNSeveraldays.Morethanaweek,maybe.ICARUSAmIallowedtoaskwhy?LNI’mgoingtochangemyjob.Myprofession.Imadethedecisionallbymyselfinmylittlehead
becauseofmy loveforyou.TheprofessionI’vebeenfollowing,oneof theoldest in theworld,as thesayinggoes…
ICARUSAmIallowedtoknowwhatitis?LNDon’t let’s talk about it anymore, since I’mchanging it. I’mgoing tobecomeamodiste or a
dressmakerorsomethinglikethat.I’mgoingtotheprovincestocollectaninheritanceandwhenIcomebackIshallsetmyselfupinbusiness.I’llleaveyousomemoneytoliveonwhileI’maway,youmusttakegood care of it, youmust use it reasonably, you mustn’t go to the Café Anglais, for instance and, ingeneral,becareful!Beverycareful!Beonyourguard!Neverstopbeingonyourguard!
ICARUSWe’lldoourbest.LNI’mratherworriedaboutleavingyouonyourown.ICARUSIshallthinkofyouallthetime,andI’llbeonmyguardagainsteveryone.LNThen,waiter!–anotherabsinthe.
XX
MORCOL(entersandsitsdownatatable.Tothewaiter).Waiter,abeer.(toMorcol).Theretheyare.They’rebothsittingoverthere.Thegirldoesn’tinterestmebecauseI
haven’tgottoreclaimher.Waiter!WAITERYes,Monsieur.Wasthebeertepid?MORCOLNo,no.Excellent,yourbeer.Thatwasn’twhyIcalledyou.WAITERThat’swhatIthought.MORCOLThatyoungmanovertherewiththatyounglady,thethirdtablefromtherightintheback
row,youdon’tbyanychanceknowhisname,doyou?WAITERLet’shavealook.Thethirdtablefromtherightinthebackrow?Frommyrightor from
theirrightMORCOLFrommyright.Hurryup,they’rejustpaying.WAITERAh,youmeantheyoungmanwho’sjustpaying?Don’tyoubelieveit,Monsieur,heisn’t
paying.It’sanillusion.Heonlylooksas ifheis.It’sactuallytheyoungladywho’spaying: justoneofthosethings.
MORCOLButthename!Quick!They’releaving.WAITERThename?Thenameoftheyoungperson?MORCOLNo!Thenameoftheyoungman,darkbrownhairetcaetera.LN(outside).Didyouseethatfellow?It’syouhe’slookingfor.Don’teversetfootinhereagain.ICARUSDon’tworry.WithoutyouIshalllosemytasteforabsinthe.MORCOL(outside).Hemaybetheone.He’sdisappeared.Meanwhile,I’mtighteningmynet.Don’t
let’sbeintoomuchofahurry,though,anddon’tlet’sneglectourotherwork.Afterall,thisisn’ttheonlythingIhavetodo.
XXI
MmeDECHAMPVAUXIt’squiteobvious–youdon’tlovemeanymore.HUBERTOhcome,ofcourseIdo.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWellthen…yourlackofardour…forthelastfewweeks…explainthat
…HUBERTYouhavetohaveallyouri’sdotted.Ihavesomeworries,withadotonthei.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWhatworries,ifyouplease?HUBERTThey’re…professionalworries…MmeDECHAMPVAUXIdon’tseehowanyonecanhaveworriesinyourprofession.HUBERTWehavethemjustasmuchaspeopledoinanyotherprofession.More,even.MmeDECHAMPVAUXYoumakemelaugh.Yousitdownatyourtableinyourslippers,youpick
upapenandyouwritewhatevercomesintoyourheadwithoutputtingyourselfouttoomuch,afterwardsyouevenfindsomeonetopublishyouandgiveyousomemoney.Writerslivelikefightingcocks.Worries–youmakemelaugh.
HUBERTLetusdrawaveiloveryoursingularideas,onwhichIshallrefrainfromcommenting. IassureyouthatIhavesomeseriousanxieties,butIdon’twanttoboreyouwiththem.
MmeDECHAMPVAUXLet’ssee.Whatanxieties?HUBERTIt’sdifficulttoexplain.MmeDECHAMPVAUXIsupposeyouthinkI’mstupid?HUBERTFarfromit,farfromit,butyouwillfinditdifficulttobelieveme.MmeDECHAMPVAUXThat’sjustwhatIthought;Icansmellabadexcusehidingsomewhere.HUBERTNotbad:excellent,legitimate.MmeDECHAMPVAUXIstilldon’tknowwhatitis.HUBERTDoyouwantmetotellyou?MmeDECHAMPVAUXYourlackofardourwouldoffendmeifitisn’tbasedonseriousworries…HUBERTWell,it’slikethis.I’djuststartedanovel…MmeDECHAMPVAUXThatisn’taworryforyou,anditdoesn’tboreme.Itmightborethepeople
whohavetoreadit,ofcourse.HUBERT(shrugshisshouldersandcontinues).I’dwrittensometenorfifteenpageswhenmychief
character,Icarus,disappeared.Impossibletocontinue!MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndallyoucandoaboutitisbesorryforyourself?HUBERTNotatall.I’vetakenaction.I’veengagedadetective,aspecialistinSubtleShadowing,to
trackhimdown.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndwhatisthenameofthisindividual?HUBERTMorcol.MmeDECHAMPVAUXPah!Morcol?He’sabsolutelyuseless!Iknowhimverywell.Myhusband
has engagedhim to followme.Don’tworry, hedoesn’t know I’mhere. I read the reports he sends to
Julien.They’relaughable.HUBERTAtleasthetakessometrouble.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndwhydon’tyoulookforyourIcarusyourself?HUBERTWhatwouldbetheuseofdetectives?MmeDECHAMPVAUXMorcolwillneverfindhimforyou.He’shopeless–I’myourproofofthat.HUBERTIbelieveinhim:I’mwaiting.MmeDECHAMPVAUXYoucouldcarryonwithoutthisIcarus.HUBERTImpossible.MmeDE CHAMPVAUXWhy not make the best of it – write something else and get back your
ardour.HUBERTOh!yougetonmynerves!Mindyourownbusinessandstoptellingmewhattodo.You
don’tknowtheslightestthingaboutmywork,nottheslightest,slightestthing.Youunderstand?MmeDECHAMPVAUXYes,Hubert.I’llcomebackwhenyou’vestartedworkagain.HUBERTThat’sright,that’sright.Shelowersherveilandleaves.Inthestreet,Morcolfollowsher.
XXII
DOCTORComein,mydearfellow.Ihopethere’snothingseriouslywrongwithyou.Thoughthat’saninsipidquestion,becauseit’sIwhoshouldtellyou.Butfirstofall,whowasthatfreakofnatureyousentmetheotherday?
HUBERTThat’sjustit.Hehasanimmediaterelevancetomypersonaltroubles.DOCTORI’mlistening.HUBERTDoctor,I’mblushing,butit’saparticularlyintimatequestionthatbringsmehere.DOCTORWell,blushingisvirtue’scolour,asthesayinggoes,butyouneedn’tbothertoblushwhen
you’retalkingtoyourdoctor.HUBERTThething…yousee…well,thethingis,I’mlackingin,er,ardour…DOCTORSimpleasSimonPure!Takeanaphrodisiac.HUBERTWouldn’tdoanygood.It’smymorale.DOCTORIfyouknowbetterthanIwhatthematteriswithyou,whycomeandconsultme?HUBERTIthassomethingtodowithmytrade.DOCTORYouhaven’tatrade,youhaveaprofession.HUBERTTradeorprofessionornothingatall,atallevents, Iwrite;andIwritenovels.And the
heroofmynextnovelhasflown.DOCTORIknow;yourfreaktoldme.HUBERTThatfreakisadetective.DOCTORAmadman.Hesuspectedme!HUBERTYoumustexcusehim.DOCTORAndwhyhasyourheroflown?Didhehaveanythingtocomplainabout?HUBERTWhatshouldhehavetocomplainabout?He’donlyexistedforafewpages.DOCTORPerhapsyouwerepreparingabitterfateforhim.HUBERTNotinmyopinion.DOCTORPerhapsinhis.HUBERTDoctor,Icametoconsultyouaboutmyself,notaboutIcarus.DOCTORHe’scalledIcarusnow,ishe?HUBERTHe’salwaysbeencalledthat.DOCTORAh!Inanycase,it’sadifficultnametobear.HUBERTYou’remoreworriedabouthimthanyouareaboutme!ButI’mtheonewiththeproblem.
Untilhe’sfound.DOCTORWell–youmustjustbepatient.HUBERTPatient!DOCTORAsedative,then.Someorange-blossomwater.Someherbtea.Thatcan’tdoyouanyharm.HUBERTYouwere recommending an aphrodisiac not long ago, and now it’s a sedative: Iwant
neithertheonenortheother.
DOCTORThat’sthemodernpatientallover.They’dliketodictateourprescriptionstous!HUBERTNoneorthisgivesmebackmyIcarus.DOCTORI’mnotadetective.HUBERTAndthen,I’mbecomingirritable.Veryirritable.Can’tyoureallydoanythingforme?DOCTORTakesomebicarbonateofsoda…it’samiracleremedy…HUBERTIdon’tbelieveinit.DOCTORThere’sanewpharmacofugalmethodIcantryonyou.HUBERTThanks!Ihaven’tgottothatpointyet.DOCTORWellthen,I’llwriteyououtaclassicprescription:herbteaonrising,andalittleorange-
blossomwateronretiring.That’llbetwofrancs.HUBERTThankyou,Doctor,butI’minaverybadmood.DOCTORWhatdoyouexpect–that’slife.
XXIII
JEANWell,mydearJacques,howfarhaveyougotwithyournovel?JACQUESMyChamissac-Piéplu nearly fought a duel, but I’m keeping that episode for later on.
Aftertheadulterythathasjusttakenplace.Inafly.JEANIcan’thelpobserving,mydearJacques:adulteryinafly–whatcouldbemorebanal?JACQUESYes,butmyflyismauve.JEANThere’snosuchthing.JACQUESThat’sthewayIseeit.JEANPerhapsyouhaveanimpressionisticeye?SURGET(insurgent).Myfriends,I’vejustfinishedanovelwhichisgoingtoselllikehotcakes.JEANWhat’sitabout?SURGETAdultery.Andinafly,what’smore.JACQUES(anxiously)Ihopeitisn’tmauve?SURGETWhatanextraordinaryidea.No.It’s…black.Actually,I’veneverthoughtaboutthecolour
offlies.They’reblack,Ithink.Inanycase,seeingwhattakesplaceinthem…JEANWell,myadulterytakesplaceinabed.SURGETYou’reindecent.JEANNo, only daring.And I’d be evenmore so if the lawswere not so strict.By theway,my
friends,haven’tyouafeelingthatyou’reunderconstantsurveillance?JACQUESYesindeed!Inamostoffensivefashion.SURGETAlas!Theresponsibilityismine.Luberthaslostoneofhischaracters,andIadvisedhim
tocall in the famousMorcol.Whosuspectsusall.Why,only theotherday Iwashelpinga children’snursetocrosstheboulevardwithherperambulator…anheroicact,inviewoftheinfernaltraffic.Fliesandprivatecarriageswereirruptingfromallsides.Well,thechildren’snurse–washe!
JACQUESIknowexactlywhatyoumean!Iwas thinkingof installingrunningwater inmyflat.Aplumbercalled,andfloodedthewholeplace.Theplumber–washe!
JEANTheotherday,inarestaurant,aclumsywaiterspilttheharicotmuttonovermywaistcoat.Theharicotmutton–washe!Thatis…Imean…
JACQUESAh!–hereisLubert.HUBERTMessieurs…JEANMydearLubert,wewerejusttalkingaboutyou.JACQUESYes,wewere saying that yourdetectivewasbeginning to inconvenienceus rather too
much.HUBERTWhatdetective…SURGETYouknowverywell.HUBERTTraitor!Isthatthewayyoukeepasecret?SURGETOnesimplycan’tworkinpeaceanymore.
JACQUESWeconsiderthisespionageoffensive.JEANNottosaydisturbingandboring.SURGETAllthemoresoasI’dgivenyoumywordofhonour.JACQUESAndwecouldhavegivenyouours,too.JEANMostcertainly.SURGETSopleasetellyourdetective…JACQUES…tostop…JEAN…meddling…HUBERTMessieurs…your attackonme amounts to veritable aggression… I can see only one
answer…THETHREEOTHERSAduel?Agreed!HUBERTMessieurs,mysecondswillcalloneachandeveryoneofyou.Ishallrapieriseyouall!
Adieu!Exit.SURGETHereallyisinabadmood.JACQUESHowveryconvenient.Iwantedtohaveaduelinmynovel.Ishallbeabletotakenotes
andmodifytherealityofthedescription.JEANAren’tyoumodern!
XXIV
Thepalliddawnwasshroudingwith itspearl-greymantles the trees in theBoisdeBoulogne andtheirdew.Fivefliesapproachingfromthefourquartersofthehorizoncausedsinisterreverberationsinthecobblestones,intheasphalt,andevenintheplainmud.Intheseflieswereseatedblack-garbedmenasgraveanantipyrinesachetsand,whentheabove-mentionedfliescametoahalt,themeninblackgotoutof them.Theywereseventeen innumber: fourduellists,eightseconds,onedoctorandfour journalists.Nowtheyaretossingacoin,eventhoughtheyhavenomoneytolose,nortimetowaste.Thereasontheyaredoingthisistodecideonthefirstduel.Foriftherearefourduellists,therearetobethreeduels,andnot twoasmight legitimatelybesupposed.Oneof thesegentlemenis infact tofight the threeothers insuccession. This has never been known since Richelieu’s day, which explains the presence of thejournalists.HubertistofightJeanfirst.Apalesunbeamattemptstopiercetheclouds;itdoesn’tsucceed.Hubert,themoreskilful,scratchesJean,whoconsidersthatthishurts,butdoesn’tsaytoomuchaboutit.Theygoontothesecondduel,Jacquesisatthereceivingendofalunge,afinethrustinthestomach,thedoctorhastilysewshimup,hopingthere’sbettertocome.TheyaskHubertifhe’stired.Notatall.Thejournaliststakeduenoteofthisfact.It’sSurget’sturntocomeandcrossswordsnow,buthisadversaryismadeofsteel,andSurgetbitesthegrassbecausehefindsthethrusthe’sjustreceivedsopainful.Heiscarriedoff,too.Thejournalistsmaketheirwaybacktotheirgazettes.Hubertgoeshome.Thesunfinallymanagestorapierisethecloudsthatwereobnubilatingit.Theadversarieshavenotbeenreconciled.
XXV
LN’sprolongedabsencewasworryingIcarus.Sohewentbacktoabsinthe,butnottotheGlobeandTwoWorldsTavern.Hechoseothers,andadifferentoneeachday.Healsoreadthegazettesthere,eventhoughforthemostparttheirstoriesremainedamysterytohim.
At theThree StorksTavern he asks forLeGaulois,which is brought to him attached in a bit ofwood,asifitwereaflag.
Hewavesit,andthenonthefrontpagereadsFOURLITERARYMUSKETEERSFIGHTADUELOVERAQUESTIONOFTECHNIQUE.Thatwastheheadline.Therewerenodetailsabouttheaforesaidquestionof technique,andthis intriguedIcarus to thehighestdegree;on theotherhandhewasnolittleproudtolearnthathisoriginatorhadsosuccessfullycrossedswordswiththethreeothers.
ICARUS(fullofenthusiasm)Whataman!Whatablade!Evenso,heissurprisednottofindanythingabouthimself.NotawordaboutIcarus.Sometalkabout
technique,butallveryvague.Thesegentlemenarequarrellingoveratechnicalquestion,right,butwhatquestion,thatremainsvague,thatremainsveryvague.
ICARUS(toIcarus)I’malittledisappointed.Disappointed not to see his name in the paper?Already?And yet he doesn’t feel any particular
reverenceforthegazettes.Thisisafeelingthatwormsitswayintoyoustealthilyandsurreptitiously;youcastavague,averyvague,eyeoverthegazettes,andthenonefinedaythereyouarewantingtoseeyournameinthem,wantingtoseeyournameinprint.Temptation.
Well, no: it isn’t that – that isn’t what makes Icarus say: I’m disappointed. He’s disappointedbecauseHuberthasn’tmentionedhim.What!Couldhehaveforgottenhim?Already!It’sobviousthathe,Icarus,isthecauseofthetriel,butHubertmighthavesaidso.
Perhapsit’satrick.Perhapshe(Hubert)doesn’twanthim(Icarus)toknowthathe(Hubert)istryingtofindhim(Icarus).Perhapsitwaseventhatfellowtheotherdaywhoadvisedhimnotto.Certainly.Andthetechnicalquestion–ishimself.
Andso,saysIcarustohimself,behindthetechnicalquestionthereisalivingcharacter:himself.Thetechnicalquestionisamask,adecoy,todupethepublicandthejournalists,andtodeceivehim(Icarus).ButIcarusisnotdeceived.
Icarussuddenlyfeelslikeseeingthevenueofthetriel,inotherwordstheBoisdeBoulogne,inshort,tocommitanimprudentact.Insteadofstudyingthemechanicsofsolidbodies,hereheismakinghiswaytowardstheWest,accordingtothesun,whichmightwellhaveledhimtoLevallois-Perret,butfortunatelyhe sees a policeman and asks him theway.You’d better take an omnibus, the constable advises him.Icaruspreferstowalk.It’lltakeyouagoodhour,saystheconstable.
ICARUSThatdoesn’tmatter.Pleasetellmetheway.CONSTABLEAlaboriousandcomplicatedundertaking.Justkeepgoinginthatdirection(gesture).
Onethingleadingtoanother,you’llgetthereintheend.
Icarus is walking through the streets, beset by constant dangers. Carriages, coachmen and horsesseemtohaveenteredintoaconspiracytorunhimover,not tomentionhand-carts,mencarryingplanksandladders,diverswaggonsetcaeteraetcaetera.Heisalwayshavingtostandasidetotheright,tostandaside to the left, constantdanger (aswehavealready said).Menarepainting,menarewashingdownfaçades–moredangers.Icaruskeepsgoingandmakeslightofalltheseperils.Parisbecomesaninfernalcity,thenoiseoftheomnibuswheelsonthecobblestonesreverberatesintheearslikethetrumpetsofapenultimate Judgment. And the cries of the people, the cries of newspaper sellers, of glaziers, ofscavengers,offlorists,ofbeggars,ofthisoneandthatone,ohlala,whataracket.
Which subsides a littlewhen you get to the Place de L’Etoile.Another (and different) constableshowsIcarusthewaytothePorteMaillot.IcarussitsdownonabenchintheAvenuedelaGrande-Arméeandallofasudden,whatdoesheseegoingby?ahorselesscarriageinwhichareseatedtwobears.Itismoving,thiscarriage,itisevenmovingquitefast,back-firingandodoriferous,andthehorsesrearas itpasses,andthepedestrianseitheradmireitorfallintoapanic.
ICARUSWell,Ihaven’twastedmytimetoday,nowI’veseenthat.Hestartsonhiswayagain,healsoseesmenincapsmovingtheirshanksupanddownwhilesitting
astrideaframesupportedbytwowheels;theytooaremoving,they’reevenmovingquitefast,sometimesfasterthanthehorselesscarriages,forthereareseveraloftheminthisdistrictand,what’smore,therearetraders in these machines all along this Avenue de la Grande-Armée. All of which interests Icarusextremely.
Anautomobilecarriageisstandinginashed,amanismessingaboutwithitsinnards.Thisshedisagarage;thismanisamechanic.
Icarusgoesuptohim.ICARUSExcuseme,Monsieur:mayIspeaktoyou?MECHANICYoualreadyhave.ICARUSWhatyouhavethereisindeed,isitnot,acarriagethatmoveswithouthorses?MECHANIC Ay. That carriage moves without horses, and that’s why it’s called an automobile
carriage.ICARUSAndwhatmakesitmove?MECHANICTheFairyElectricity.ICARUSPleasebesogoodastogivemefurtherdetails.MECHANICYoungman,youarerighttotakeaninterestinthis,forThisisthefuture.Weshallsoon
beabletodriveat25milesanhour,aspeedwhichitwillbedifficulttoexceed.WeshallbeabletogotoLeHavreinfivehours,toMarseillesinaday.Icanimagine,inthefuture,therebeingterminalsalongtheroadsatwhichpeoplewillbeabletorechargetheiraccumulators.ForIaminfavourofElectricityandProgress.Don’ttalktomeaboutpetroleum.Justlookatthat.
Acarriagepasses,emittingagreatdealofnoiseandstinkinggases.MECHANICNo,don’ttalktomeaboutpetroleum,itmakesavilenoise,itstinks,itexplodes–no
customerwilleverputupwith that.And then, if thenumberofautomobilecarriageswere to increase,therewouldn’tbeenoughpetroleumintheworld,youcantakeitfromme.
ICARUSAllthisseemsworthyofattention.
MECHANICNo,believeme,theelectriccarriageisthefuture.Wouldyouliketocomefora ridewithme?I’verepairedthatcontrarylittlething,thatlittlecontraption,andnowthingsaregoingtohum.You’llseehowstunningitis.
Icarusgetsin,thecarriagedoesmorethan22m.p.h.ICARUSItfeelsasifweweregoingtotakewing!MECHANICYoungman, if you’re so interested, comeandwork in this branchof industry– you
couldearnsomemoney.ICARUSThankyouforyouradvice,Monsieur.MECHANICUnlessyou’dliketobuyanautomobile,ofcourse.ICARUSIdon’tthinkIhavethemeans.MECHANICBuyyourselfaVelocipede,then.Hangit–bemodern!ICARUSI’llthinkaboutit,Monsieur.I’llthinkaboutit.Manythanks.HedisappearsinthedirectionoftheBoisdeBoulogne.ICARUSThattechnicalquestiontormentsme.Wasitagenuinetechnicalquestion,orwasit really
thequestionofmyexistence?ByagenuinetechnicalquestionImean,forexample,thedivisionofanovelintobooksandchapters,theplacingofdescriptions,thechoiceoffirstnamesandpatronymics,theuseofdashesor inverted commas to indicate dialogue, or small caps for the names of the protagonists as inprintedplaysortheworksoftheCountessdeSégur.Goodness,that’sabirdsinging.
XXVI
DOCTORWell,myfriend,howisourpooratrophiedhealth?SURGETI’mdoingmybest.DOCTOR Let’s have a little look at that wound (he looks). Pah – just a trifle. I’ll take out the
surgicalstitches,andyourscarwillbemagnificent.Bringmemyscissors.Hisscissorsarebroughtandhecutsoutthesurgicalstitches.DOCTORAndnowyoucangobacktoyourwork.SURGETInotherwords:sendmynoveltocertainselectedcritics.DOCTORThat’ssomethingourpoorfriendHubertisn’tinapositiontodo.SURGETPoorfriend,indeed!You’reforgettingthatherippedmeopen.DOCTORYes,butyou’republishingyournovel,andhecan’tpublishhis.Justthink!Whatifithad
happenedtoyou,eh?–whatifoneofyourcharactersweretodisappear…SURGETDoctor,asthesayinggoes:neultracrepidam!Thisisnolongermedicine!DOCTOROhyesitis:it’smentalmedicine,andnothingisforeigntomentalmedicine.SURGETThenperhapsI’mmad:I’vejuststartedanewnovel,andIaminordinatelypleasedwith
myhero.DOCTORDon’tmakehimtheflightytype.SURGETI’lltakecarenotto.
XXVII
DOCTORWell,isourstomachhealing?JACQUESMarvellously.Look.DOCTORAlovelyscar.You’reasgoodasnew.JACQUESCan’tyouseeanythingspecialaboutmyscar?DOCTORLuckilyforyou–notathing.JACQUESWouldn’tyousayitwasrathermauve?DOCTORMauve,mauve.Soit is. It issomewhatasyoudescribe it…somewhatmauve.Whata
sensitiveappreciationofcoloursyouhave!Youhaveapainter’seye!JACQUES The eye of the descriptive prose-writer. I’m the descriptive type. Description for
description’ssake.IfIhadto,Icoulddowithoutcharacters.DOCTORYouaren’tlikeourpoorfriendHubert.JACQUESPoorfriendindeed!Thatclumsyswashbucklerwhoaccidentlyrippedmeopen.DOCTORJustthinkifithadhappenedtoyou,acharacterrunningaway.JACQUESIshouldn’thaveminded.There’sonlyonethingthatmatterstome:thecolourmauve.
XXVIII
DOCTORWell,how’sourscratch?JEANScratchindeed!Funny,aren’tyou.Itstillhurts.DOCTORComparedwithJacquesandSurget,you’venocauseforcomplaint.JEANAlwaystheoptimist.DOCTORAndif,likeourpoorfriendHubert…JEANHubert!HeboresustodeathwithhisIcarus.Theidea!–suspectingus!Hiringadetectiveto
followus!Challengingustoaduel!Inwhichwegetwounded,what’smore.There’snojustice!DOCTORNoneofthisissoveryterriblewhenyoucompareitwithlosingacharacter.Justthink–
whatifthathadhappenedtoyou?JEANThereareasgoodcharactersinthepoolasevercameoutofit!Inanycase,Ihaveafilefull
ofcharacters,hundredsofthem,onthestrengthofwhichIcangoonproducingworksbasedentirelyonadulteryandonultramodernfin-de-sièclesentimentswhichmaywellsoonbeoutofdate,butwhichatthemomentareextremelylucrative.
DOCTORWhatareyoucomplainingabout,then?JEANMyphysicalscratch.
XXIX
IcaruswenttotheAvenuedelaGrande-Arméeeveryday,now.Havingfirstbecomeaconnoisseurof cycles, and then of electric or petroliphagous automobile carriages, when he conversed with themechanics there it was with a certain competence – an illusory competence but one which hadneverthelessresulted,even,inanofferofwork.Forthemomenthehadnothingtoworryaboutfromthematerialpointofview,soherefusedwithoutactuallysayingno.Hewouldoccasionallytakeadvantageoftheofferofaridefromawell-intentionedorboastfulgarage-proprietor,andtheywouldgotwoorthreehundredyardsinthechuff-chuff.TherewereeventimeswhenIcarustookthewheel.
AtothertimeshewenttotheBoisdeBoulogne.Helaydownonthegrass,listenedtothelittlebirdssingingandwatchedtheelegantcarriagespassingby.
Oneday,whenhewaswalkingquietlyalonganavenue,ahorsesuddenlybolted.Hejumpedforitsheadandstoppedit.
MmeDECHAMPVAUXOh!whatahandsomeyoungman!Suchcourage!Howexciting!Monsieur–comeandsitbesideme,I’lldriveyoutoachemist’sandwe’llgethimtoputsomearnicaonyourbruises.
ICARUSThankyou,Madame,I’dlikesomearnica.Atthechemist’s.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWell,youngman,areyoufeelingbetternow?ICARUSYes,Madame.CHEMISTThat’llbefiftycentimes.ICARUSThat’sexpensive.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndwhat’smore,he’spoor!Handsomeandpoor!Here,chemist,hereare
yourfiftycentimes.Theygoout.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWhatdoyoudoinlife,youngman?ICARUSNothing,Madame.MmeDECHAMPVAUXIdle!Handsome,poorandidle!Asinafashionablenovel!ABohemian,ifI
understandaright.Whatamarvellousday!MmedeChampvauxclimbsbackintoherlandau.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndwemustpartsosoon!ButIhopeweshallseeeachotheragain.ICARUSYes,Madame.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWheredoyoulive?ICARUSIhavenofixedaddress.MmeDECHAMPVAUXHe’swonderful.ICARUSMadame,don’tlet’sexaggerate.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAnd…yourname?ICARUSIcarus,Madame.Mme DE CHAMPVAUX And he’s called Icarus! (dumbfounded). Icarus?Really Icarus?(pulling
herselftogether).Andmyname,Monsieur,isMadamedePrébeuf.
ICARUSHowdoyoudo,Madame.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWouldyouallowme to thankyou foryourheroic actby invitingyou to
comeandtakeafingerofportwinewithme?Myhusbandwillpouritforyouhimself.ICARUSIt’stempting,naturally.MmeDECHAMPVAUXTomorrow!Iinsist.Wherecanmycoachmancallforyou?ICARUSEr…um…MmeDECHAMPVAUXYoucertainlywon’trefusealittlefingerofportwine.Where,then?ICARUSWell,er…attheGlobeandTwoWorldsTavernatabsinthetime…MmeDECHAMPVAUXHandsomelyspoken,handsomeIcarus.Mylandauwillbethere.Shedeparts:sodoesherlandau.ICARUSPerhapsIoughttobemoreonmyguard.
XXX
Atthedoctor’s.DOCTORWell,mydearfriend?HUBERTI’mmuchbetter.DOCTORMylittleremedy?HUBERTNotatall!No–mytriel,first,andthenMorcol.Theformergotridofmybadmood,and
thelatterisonIcarus’strackandhaspracticallyfoundhim.AssoonasIgethimbackIcangoonwithmynovel.
DOCTORHemayhavechanged.HUBERTWhyshouldhehavechanged?You’retryingtodemoraliseme,doctor.DOCTORWehave tosee lifeas it is.Yes,supposinghe’schanged!Youmusthaveconfidence in
yourself,butnottoomuchinhim.Andtohaveconfidenceinyourself,youmustgoondrinkingtheherbtea.
HUBERTYoumakemefeelterrible!DOCTORYoumustn’tcountyourchickens…HUBERTYou’remakingmeseeeverythinginablackerandblackerlight.DOCTORHerbtea!Herbtea!that’stheonlyremedy,apartfrombicarbonateandmynewmethod.HUBERTYoustillhaven’tquitedeprivedmeofallhope.DOCTORYou’rebeyondtreatment.Hubertgoeshomeanddrinksacupofherbteaallthesame.Heabsent-mindedlyturnsovertheblank
pagesofhisnextnovel.HUBERTWhenIcaruscomesbackIshallorienthiminthedirectionofdecadentpoetry,sothathe
really belongs to his time, and I shall give him a professor of irregular prosody and free-versery,M.Maîtretout,whomI’veinventedtheselastfewdays.M.Maîtretout,hasadaughterAdelaide,arealpearl,with fairy fingers.She falls, that’scertain, in lovewith thepupil. I can seeamarriage loomingon thehorizon.Thispurepersonwillserveasacounterbalancetothefin-de-sièclecharacteristicswithwhichIintend to imbue Icarus.And in any case, I shan’t have long towait until all this happens.Morcol haspromisedtobringhimbackwithinthenexttwenty-fourhours.Idon’tthinkhe’sspoofing.Hedidmakeamistakeoncebutonceisbynomeansalways,andIthinkhe’sconscientious.ObviouslyIcaruswillhaveseenthegreatwideworldduringhisflightandhemaywellhavechanged,asDr.Lajoiesaid.Inwhichcasewe’llthinkagain.Inthemeantime,let’sliveonhopeandherbtea.
XXXI
TheGlobeandTwoWorldsTavern.EnterIcarus.WAITERAghost!ICARUSAnabsinthe!WAITERAndhowisMademoiselleLN?ICARUSLU-sive.WAITERAh,MonsieurIcarus,we’vemissedyou,andI’llbringyouyourdrinkwithallcelerity.Heactuallydoesso.Icarusstudiesagazette.WAITER Monsieur Icarus, pardon me for disturbing you in your insipid reading, but there’s a
coachmanwaitingforyou.Hesaysyouknowallaboutit.ICARUSIdo.I’moff,then!Hepays,standsupandgoesout.COACHMAN(inafalsettovoice)Getin,myprince.Aladyawaitsyou.ICARUSIknow.Hegetsin.COACHMANGiddy-up,Cocotte!(tothecoachman).We’vegothim.ICARUSSoI’monmywaytoseeasocietyladyanddrinkafingerofportwine.Onsecondthoughts,
it’sextremelyrisky.IwaslivinginconcealmentandIallowedmyselftobepersuadedtoleavemyretreat.Andinanycase,Idon’tlovethelady,itisn’toutoflovethatI’mgoingtoseeher,thatwouldn’tbefairtoLN,I’mgoingoutofpurecuriosity,IthinkI’mdefinitelymakingamistake,abigmistake.
Coachman,stop!(Thecoachmanaccelerates).Yesbut,heisn’tslowingdown.Coachman,stop!(Thecoachmankeepsonaccelerating,thehorsestrikessparkswithallfourshoes).Whatadevilish
pace!Icouldn’tevenjumpoutatthisspeed!Andanyway,where’shegoing?Whatdistrictishemakingfor?ButwhatdoIsee?Isn’tthisthestreetM.Lubertlivesin?Andthere’shishouse,andthere’shisdoor.Driveon,coachman!Driveon!Thebeast,heisn’t,he’sstopping.
Icarusjumpsdownonthepavementandtakeswing.Morcol,whohadbeenhangingonbehindthefly,jumpsoffatthesametimeasIcarusandgrabsholdofhim.Thecoachman,whohasclimbeddownfromhis seat, gives him a helping hand. When he sees that the coachman is none other than Mme deChampvaux,Icarusgivesupallresistance.
ICARUS(dejected).WhataninnocentIwas,Ineverknewthatawomancouldbesuchatraitress!MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndheinsultsme,thescoundrel!MORCOLComeon,Monsieur,comeonup.M.Lubert’swaitingforyou.Icarushangshishead,asignofresignation.
MORCOL(toMmedeChampvaux)Thankyou,Madame.M.deChampvauxwillneverknowofhismisfortune.
MmeDECHAMPVAUXMonsieur,youareagentleman.MORCOLLet’sgoupandputIcarusbackbetweenM.Lubert’spages.
XXXII
AttheClub.JEANMydearfellow,everythingisgoingverywellforme.Howaboutyou?JACQUESNolesswell.Thankstotheduel,I’vebeenabletoperfectthatofChamissac-Piéplu.As
I’dgivenyoutounderstand,theexperienceenabledmetodescribeitinawaythathasnothingincommonwithreality.
JEANWon’tthereaderbeputoffbythelackofverisimilitude?JACQUESIt’spossible.What’sthattome?Ishallbereadinhalfacentury’stime.Byposterity.JEANHm!Doyouthinkpeoplewillstillbeinterestedinadulteryandduelsthen?Timeschange.JACQUESNottothatpoint.JEANPersonally,asI’mincapableofforeseeingthefutureI’mquitehappywithmycontemporaries.
Iknowthem,andIhopetheywillrecogniseme.SURGET(insurgent)Myfriends!Howareyou?JEANExtremelywell–andyou?SURGETIngreatfettle.DoctorLajoieisunique.JEANBecauseof that triel thegazettes are alwaysmentioningournames, butyoubenefit from it
moreparticularly,asyournovelhasjustcomeout.SURGET I’m not complaining. The bookshops are simply shovelling them out, andmy publisher
wantsmetogetanewoneunderway.JEANWhichyouhavedone,nodoubt.SURGETExactly.Anditwillbedynamite,tocoinanexpression.JACQUESMayoneknow?SURGETInmynextwork,thepeaceableCorentinDurendalwillperpetrateanabominablecrime.HUBERTMessieurs!THEOTHERSMonsieur.HUBERTLet’smakeitup,shallwe?Ididrapieriseyou,butIadmitthatmysuspicionsofyouwere
unjustified.MyIcarushasbeenfound.THEOTHERSReally?HUBERTYesindeed!Mydetectivebroughthimbacktome,boundhandandfoot,andIstartedwork
againimmediately.Let’smakeitup,shallwe?THEOTHERSConsideritdone!Wearereconciled.HUBERTChampagne!Theydrinkabottleofchampagne,whichmakesagrittysoundundertheirteeth.
XXXIII
Hubert wasworking; in his study, decoratedwith Cordoba leather and dusky velvets, protectivechair-rails, elaborate wainscotting and pictures with wide frames, though they were sometimes onlyminiatures,hewasaligning linesupon lineswhichwere causing Icarus’s fate toproceed indirectionsknownonlytohimself.IcaruswassupposednevertohavemeteitherLNorMmedeChampvauxandheseemedtohaveforgottentheknowledgehehadneverhadeitherofstaticsorkinematics.Hehad,on theotherhand,hadseveralinnocentconversationswithAdelaide,thedaughterofhisprofessorofsymbolistrhetoric,M.Maîtretout.Muchagainsthiswill,however.Hubertcouldn’tstophimthinkingaboutLN,buteachtimethishappenedhemadeabigblotonthepaper.
Thehousekeeper-cookannouncedthatluncheonwasserved.ShewascalledEurtrude,ararebutnotexceptional Christian name.Hubert carefully put away the pages he hadwritten in amorocco-leatherportfoliowithalock,andcarefullyputthekeyintheleft-handpocketofhissmoking-jacket.
Helunched.Heevenlunchedwell,forEurtrudewaswhatonefamiliarlycallsacordonbleu.ThenhedrankaSurat-mocha,whilesippingachartreuseandcombustingthecylinderofahighly-pricedcigar.The pleasure of all these things and the satisfaction ofworkwell donewas even tempting him into apleasurablesomnolencewhenaringatthebellcausedEurtrudetowalkinthedirectionofthefrontdoor.Evenhestarted.
EnterEurtrude,greatlyexcited.EURTRUDEMonsieur,it’sthegendarmes.HUBERTHowveryextraordinary.Whatdotheywantwithme?EURTRUDEIdon’tknow,Monsieur,I’mallofatizzy.HUBERTIshallreceivethem.Headoptsadignifiedattitude.‘Showthemin,’sayshe.Enterthegendarmes.HUBERTMessieurs.GENDARMES(standingtoattentionandsalutinghim).Monsieur.HUBERT(cordially)TowhatdoIowethishonour?FIRSTGENDARMEDoesamannameofIcaruslivehere?HUBERTEr…yes…FIRSTGENDARMEHehasn’tappearedbeforetheRecruitingBoard.Heisthereforeconsideredto
be a deserter andwe’ve come tomarch him off to theReuilly barracks,where he’ll be taken on thestrength and brought to trial, before being sent to do his military service – in the African Battalion,perhaps.
HUBERTHowawful!SECONDGENDARMEHerearehisjoininginstructions.He’stocomewithusatonce.HUBERTMessieurs…Iacceptsoleresponsibility…I’dneverthoughtabouthismilitaryservice
…and then,aRecruitingBoardscene in thenovel Iamengagedonwouldseemextremelyvulgarand
naturalistic.FIRSTGENDARMEIt’snotaquestionofanovel,butofreality.SECONDGENDARMEAndthere’snogettingawayfromthat.HUBERTCouldn’tthematterrestinabeyanceforadayortwo…FIRSTGENDARMEAthousandregrets.Thelaw’sthelaw.HUBERT(overwhelmed).I’llgoandgethimforyou.
Hegoesintohisstudy,openshismorocco-boundfile,andcomesbackwithIcarus.HUBERTIcarus,mydearfellow,Ihadforgottentotellyouthatyouareofanagetodoyourmilitary
service,andthesegentlemenhavecometofetchyou.Youmustleaveatonce.ICARUSYou see,Monsieur, it didn’t do you any good to bringme back here by force. I’m free
again,now.FIRSTGENDARMEFree,that’sjustamannerofspeaking,becauseyou’vegottocomewithus.ICARUSAndwhereto,Monsieur?SECOND GENDARME To the Reuilly barracks, where they’ll consider your case, after which
you’lldoyourtime.ICARUSWhattime?FIRSTGENDARMEYourmilitaryservicetime.ICARUSAndhowlongwillthatbe?SECONDGENDARMEThreeyears.HUBERTSoitis!Threeyears!ShallIhavetowaitthreeyearstofinishmybook.?FIRSTGENDARMEMonsieur,thatisnoneofourbusiness.(ToIcarus),Comewithus.ICARUSIshallbeonlytoopleasedtocomewithyou.(ToHubert).Ihavenothingagainstyou,but
I’mgoingtorawalk.Theygoout.HUBERTWhataprofession!Whataprofession!
XXXIV
AtSurget’s.Thegendarmestakeofftheirbigfalsemoustaches.ICARUSWereyouindisguise,then?JACQUESIamnotparticularlyfondofthatexpression,butinfact,yes:wewereindisguise.JEANWhatanadventure!butwe’vegothim.SURGET(toIcarus).Makeyourselfathome.Sitdown.We’regoingtoaskyouafewquestions.JACQUESAreyougoingtobetheinterrogator?SURGETIfyouhavenoobjection.ICARUSMayIaskyou,gentlemen,whoyouare,andwhatyouwantofme?SURGETYoucan’taskquestionsandbequestionedatthesametime.JACQUESBeinterrogatedwouldbemoreaccurate.JEANLet’snotsquabble.SURGETYournameisIcarus,isitnot?ICARUSYes,butthatdoesn’ttellmewhoyouare.SURGETWearefriends.Havewenotdeliveredyoufromyourmasterandtyrant?ICARUSIdidn’taskyouforanything.JACQUESThat’strue.JEANWe’restraying.SURGETYou’retwenty,areyou?ICARUSAndIwon’thavetodomymilitaryservice?JACQUESNotunlesssomerealgendarmesappear…SURGETLet’snotjest.(ToIcarus)Makeyourselfcomfortable.Here,haveapartagas.Wouldyou
likeafingerofportwine?ICARUSWithpleasure.SURGETHereyouare.JACQUESButwhydon’twelethimspeak?JEANJusttosee.ICARUSIreallywouldliketoknow,gentlemen,whoyouare.JACQUESThat’sofnoimportance.ICARUSWhat’sgoingtobecomeofme?JEANThatdependsonwhatyoutellus.SURGETNaturally,I’mnotgoingtointerrogateyou,butyou’regoingtotellus…ICARUSWhat?SURGETAnything.ICARUSButbeforethat,gentlemen,mayInotknowwhoyouare?JACQUESWhatanobstinatefellow.JEANHe’sgivingusquitesometrouble.
SURGETWasitsuchagoodidea?Iwonder.Andmyscratchisbeginningtoitchagain.JACQUESMinetoo–itstartsitchingeverysooften.JEANYou’refineonestotalk.SURGETAreyourscarsbeautiful?JEANTheycallmineatrifle.JACQUESMine–Iconsidermauve.ICARUS I’m justbeginning tounderstand–youmust forgiveme forbeing so slow–youare the
threemusketeerswithwhomM.LubertcrossedswordsintheBoisdeBoulogne?JACQUESSoyoureadthegazettes?ICARUSNowandthen.Bytheway,couldIpleasegoanddopipi?SURGETMostcertainly;IevenhavearealEnglishwatercloset.(HeshowsIcarustothew.c.andcomesback).Well,whatdoyouthink?JACQUESI think the jokehasgoneon longenough.Andanyway, there’snoquestionofmyusing
him.Notmauveenough.JEANToonaiveforme.SURGETIadmitIdon’tunderstandhimverywell.JACQUESLet’stakehimbacktohisplaceoforigin,then.JEANLubertmustbefoamingatthemouth.He’llmakeuphismindtogototheReuillybarracks,and
hewon’tfindanyone.JACQUESWemustgivehimbackbefore.SURGETIt’lljusthavebeenaninnocentlittlepracticaljoke,that’sall.JACQUESIsay,hetakeshistimepissing,ourIcarus.JEANYoudon’tthink…SURGETThere’sonlyanarrowfanlightthatgivesontoalittlecourtyard…JACQUESEvenso.I’mbeginningtogetworried.Yououghttogoandsee.SURGETIt’sratherembarrassing…JEANOh,goon!Surgetgoeson.Comesback.SURGETIknocked.Hedoesn’tanswer.JEANPerhapshe’sfainted.Emotions.SURGETIt’slocked,we’llhavetosendforalocksmith.Hesendsforalocksmith.Thew.c.doorisopened.Noone.JEANWe’reinafinemessnow.JACQUESDisagreeablesurprise.JEANThistime,Hubertwillkillus.JACQUESIfhediscoversthatitwaswe…SURGETIcanseeonlyonesolution.
THEOTHERSWhat?SURGETMorcol!
XXXV
ICARUSWhatamIafraidof?HowcanIhide?Whatwillbecomeofme?EverythingisurgingmetowardstheAvenuedelaGrande-Armée,whereIcoulddevelopmytastefor thesportsofcyclingandautomobilism. Those devilish bikes, those chuff-chuffing meteors, are leading my soul on towardsProgress. A fig for the neurasthenias, the neuroses and the nostalgias of our contemporary writers!Forward into the future!What didM. Lubert want ofme?Did he wantme to drag out amelancholyexistence, strewn with dismal or disappointing love-affairs, with sessions in cosy, dusty apartmentswhere,bitingmynails, I shouldhavemeditatedonmysoulwhich, ifhe’ddared,wouldhavebeenaninfanta in full regalia? I might perhaps have fought duels, but I should have been more likely to gowanderingalongbyItalianlakesintheshadeofchloroticcypresses.Whereaspersonally,I’mmuchmoreinterestedintheoreticalmechanics,fromthefallofheavybodiestothemechanismofalock.WhatshallIdo?Yes,everythingattractsmetotheAvenuedelaGrande-Armée,hardbytheBoisdeBoulogne,whereIgot trappedby that tricky lady and that artful detective. It’s true thatM.Lubertmust think I’m at theReuillybarracks.Havethosefellowsadmittedtotheirtheftandmynewflight?I’venoidea,butnoonewillthinkI’msostupidastoreturntothedistrictwhereIgotcaught.Let’sgobackthere,then,andImightevenfindworkthere,becauseLN’sspondulicswillsoonbeexhausted,onaccountofher longabsencewhichgrievesmesorely.
HesetsoffinthedirectionoftheAvenuedelaGrand-Armée.Amechanicwasfiddlingwiththeengineofanautomobile.Icaruswentuptohim.‘Haveyougotajobforme,byanychance?’heaskedhim.‘Doyouknowthetrade?’‘Icanlearn.I’veoftenwatchedthesemachinesgoingby’.‘Canyourideabicycle?’‘No,Monsieur.Nooneevertaughtme.’‘Well!Startwiththebicycle,andthenyoucancomeandseemeabouttheautomobile.’‘But,Monsieur,howcouldIlearntorideabicycle?’‘There’saschoolatthecorneroftherueBelidor.’‘Doyouhavetopay?’‘Ofcourse.’‘Ishan’thaveanymoneyleftifIspenditthere.’That’sforyoutodecide.’Icarusdecides.Helearnstorideabicycle.
XXXVI
Hubert was smoking a partagas and thinking of ways andmeans to continue his novel: hemightperhapsdevoteafewextrapagestoMaîtretoutandhisdaughterAdelaide,butafterthathewasn’tgoingtotwiddlehisthumbsforthenextthreeyears.Hewascontemplatingsomeothersolution,then,whenthedoorbellrang.Ahyes–hewasexpectingMmedeChampvauxfortheadulteroushour.Hegoestoopenthedoor.Acoachmanissilhouettedinthedoorway.
COACHMANWell,guv,whatwouldyousaytoafewlashesofthewhip?HUBERTOhno,darling,believeme: I’mreallynot the leastbit interested in thewhip. I’mnota
sadist.COACHMAN(correctinghim).Amasochist.HUBERTWearen’tgoingtosquabbleoveraquestionofsignifies!Comein!Thecoachmancomesinandcrackshiswhip.Hetakesoffhishat,andofcourseit’snoneotherthan
MmedeChampvaux.MmeDECHAMPVAUXDoyoustilllikemedressingupasajehu?HUBERTBelieveme,you’reimaginingthings.JustbecauseIonce–MmeDECHAMPVAUXYes,butitdidreviveyourardour.HUBERTListen,Ijustdon’tknowwhatyououghttobedressedupastoday.I’vegotthingsonmy
mindagain.MmeDECHAMPVAUXYoumeanI’mcastingmypearlsbeforeswine?HUBERTI’mafraidso,mylove.Justthink–Icarushasbeentakenawaybythegendarmes.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWhatfor?HUBERTHismilitaryservice.Ithadnevercrossedmymind.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndhowlongwillthiscomedylast?HUBERTThreeyears.MmeDECHAMPVAUXYoumeanyou’llbeinthisstateforthreeyears?HUBERTPerhapslonger,ifhehastodoextratime.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWell–whenthingsbegintolookup,youcanletmeknow.Fatlotofuseit
wasmeputtingonmybootsandInvernesscape.Exit,crackingherwhip.Hubertabsent-mindedlysipsafingerofportwine.HUBERT(suddenly,strikinghisforehead).Whydon’tIquitesimplygototheReuillybarracks?
XXXVII
SURGET(totheothertwo).Noneedforyoutocomeupwithme–I’lltakechargeofeverything.Seeyoutonight,myfriends.
Surget stops at the door: the name is inscribed on an enamelled plate. A venomously nauseatingcorridorleadstoasimilartypeofstaircase.
Surgetpullsacord.Abellrings.MORCOLMonsieur:Iamatyourdisposition.SURGETMineisaveryunusualcase.MORCOLAllcasesareunusual,Monsieur.SURGETAndmine,particularlyso.MORCOLDelightedtohearit.SURGETThiscaseisallthemoreunusualinthatyouhavealreadydealtwithit.MORCOLPff!SURGETI’vecomeaboutIcarus.MORCOLYouaren’tM.Lubert.SURGETObviouslynot.MynameisSurget.Justthink,I’dpinchedIcarusfromhim–MORCOLAfterItookhimback?Well–obviously.SURGETTwoofmyfriendsandI,wekidnappedhim.Why?–itwouldbecomplicatedtotellyou
why.Inshort,wekidnappedhim.Butnosoonerhadwekidnappedhimthanhetookwing.Wewouldverymuchliketofindhim,togivehimbacktoLubert.Wethoughtofyou–youdidsowellthefirsttime.Whynotthesecond?
MORCOLWhynot?ButIshallchargeyoumore.SURGETDividedbythree,itstillwon’tcometoverymuch.Sogotoit!Withallyourstrength.I’ll
giveyouthenecessarydetails.
XXXVIII
AtHubert’s,duringhisabsence.MAITRETOUTYoumustn’tcry like that.Theboy’sdoinghismilitaryservice.EveryFrenchman.
It’shisduty.Obviouslyadutyisaduty,but,well,militaryservicehasitsgoodpoints,yougetabreathoffreshair,youtakesomeexercise,youmakefriends,youmightevengetpromotion.
ADELAIDE (sniffing). Even so, it was very unexpected.Who could have expected it? EvenM.Lubert himself didn’t expect it. He was going to marry us in a month. If he’d foreseen this militaryservice,hewouldn’thavearrangedforustobemarriedinamonth.
MAITRETOUTM.Lubertknowsmoreaboutthesethingsthanwedo.ADELAIDEOh,butofcourse!MAITRETOUTComecome,mychild,cheerup,andhaveconfidenceinM.Lubert.ADELAIDEHe’sbrokenmyheart.Threeyearsisalongtime.Icaruswillforgetme:he’llpreferany
camp-followerorsoldier’sdoxytome.MAITRETOUTWhydoyouthinkhe’llbesofickle?ADELAIDEL’uomoèmobile…MAITRETOUTWhatdoyouknowaboutit,mypoorchild?–you’rebarelytwentypagesold.ADELAIDEButIhavethewisdomoftheheart,evenifIhaven’tanyexperience.MAITRETOUTWhilewe’rewaiting,justtopassthetime,let’shaveagameofbackgammon–even
thoughyoudoalwayswin.ADELAIDEBecauseI’munluckyinlove,mysweetPapa.
XXXIX
HUBERTOh,Doctor,I’vesufferedanewmisfortune.DOCTORIcarus?HUBERTWecan’tfindhim!I’velookedforhiminvainatReuilly.Unknownonthemuster-roll, if
that’swhatyoucallit.Nooneknowswhothosegendarmeswere.There’samystery,here,whoseheartcannotbepluckedout.Inshort,Icarushasdisappearedagain:it’senoughtomakeonequiteneurotic.
DOCTORThemomentyouhaveareason,it’snotcalledneuroticanymore.Andanyway,diagnosisisn’tyourbusiness,it’smine.
HUBERT And then, I’m lacking in ardour. Mme de Champvaux will insist on dressing up as acoachmantostimulatemyimagination,butpersonallyitdoesn’tamusemeatall,ohbutnotatall,ohdear,notatall.
DOCTORCalmdown.HUBERTEasytosay.DOCTORSupposingyouneverfindyourIcarus.HUBERTUnthinkable!Imustfindhim!Andanyway,I’vegotMorcolonthejobagain–DOCTORHemightnotmanageit,thistime.HUBERTNo,he’llpullitoffagain.DOCTORIfhedoesn’t,you’lljusthavetomakethebestofit.HUBERTI’mnotgoingtomakethebestofit.Thisnovelcan’tremainunfinished.DOCTORItwon’tbethefirst.HUBERTYoutalkaboutitverylightly.DOCTORWritesomethingelse,damnit!Youhavemorethanonestringtoyourbow.HUBERTForthemoment,it’sthisparticularoneIwanttoshootwith,andnoneother.DOCTORYou’reobstinate.Here–comeandliedownonthecouch.HUBERTWhatfor?Areyougoingtogivemeaninjection?DOCTORNo,no.Here.Justliedown.(Hubertreluctantlyliesdown).That’sit–good–Isitbehind
you,andyoutellmeeverythingthatcomesintoyourhead.HUBERTWhat’sthepoint?What’sthegoodofthat?DOCTORIt’sanewmethodofpsychotherapyforneuroses.HUBERTThemysteriousnewmethodthat’ssupersededbicarbonateofsoda?YouseemtothinkI’m
aguinea-pig.Aneuroticguinea-pig.DOCTORComeon:liedown.HUBERT(querulously).Whatd’youwantmetotellyou?Itellyoueverythingasitis.DOCTORWell,butnow,don’ttellmeanything,justtalk.Sayanything–nomatterhowtrivial.HUBERT(indignant).ButIneversayanythingtrivial. IknowwhatImeanandImeanwhatIsay.
Trivial,indeed!Doyouwantmetolowermystandards?DOCTORAdoptamiddlecourse.Tellmeadream.
HUBERTAdream–adream–that’sdifferent.I’mverymuchinfavourofdreams,thoughIneverusetheminmyliterarywork.
DOCTORLiedown,then,andtellmeone.HUBERT(suddenlyjumpingup).Nexttime.Nexttime.I’vegottogoandhaveadream,first.Andif
youthinkthat’ssoeasy…
XL
MORCOL(sittingonabankoftheSeine,watchingthewaterflowby).I’minaCorneilliansituation.M.LuberthasonceagainengagedmetofindIcarus,amissionwith
whichM.Surgethasalsoentrustedme.IfIfindIcarus,towhomshallIreturnhim?Thisseemstobeaquestionofconscience,butinthemeantimeIhaveafoot,astheysay,inbothcamps.IwenttotheGlobeandTwoWorldsTavernwhichheusedtofrequentinthedayswhenI’dgothisnamewrong,buthehasn’tbeenbackthere,anymorethanhasthelittlegrisetteIsawhimwithattheCaféAnglais.Hehasn’tbeenseen at theCaféAnglais either, and I had enough trouble finding even that out.As a criminal alwaysreturnstothesceneofhiscrime,andeventhoughIcaruscannotbeconsidered,eveninthestrictestsense,tobeacriminal,IcanseenoothertrailthantheBoisdeBoulognewherehejumpedsocourageously,acouragethatwasperhapsunconscious,attheheadofMmedeChampvaux’shorses,ofwhichacttheladythen came to informme, andmake the bargainwhich enabledme to return the fugitive toM.Lubert’spages.Yes, theBoisdeBoulogneseemsindicatedformypreliminaryresearch,even though it is fairlyextensive,872hectares,ifIhavebeenaccuratelyinformed.
XLI
ICARUS(onhisbicycle.Heisdressedin theappropriatefashionforsuchasituationand,what’smore,he’swearinganautomobilist’scapandgoggles).
IfeelI’mbecomingapoetastrideonmybike–watchmegoit!I’msingingandwritingasongasIweaveinandoutofthethrong.Thoughclutchingmyhandlebarstight,seatonsaddle–IfeelI’minflight!Thepassers-bygetsoirate–butit’ssplendid,it’sgorgeous,it’sgreat!
Oh,sorryMonsieur.
Stillsingingherideson.MORCOL Clumsy oaf! I was in a very dangerous situation, there. I’m quite upset. I can’t even
rememberwhyI’mintheBoisdeBoulogne.Letmethink–Ahyes.Well,evenso,there’snotmuchpointintryingtorunafterhim.
XLII
Now that he could ride a bicycle and pump up a tyre, Icarus, as his nest-egg had vanished,wasengagedbyM.Berrrier,mechanic,automobilist,garage-ownerandrepairer.SoIcaruslearnttodriveanautomobile carriage. He went pop-popping down the Avenue de la Grande-Armée, it was delightful.Sincehehadbecomeanautodidacthewasearningmoney,andintheeveningshewoulddinealone,andveryrespectably,inanoutofthewayrestaurant;adifferentoneeveryevening.
M.BERRRIEREverythingallright,then?ICARUSYes,Monsieur.M.BERRRIERYouknow,yourwork’sverysatisfactory,butthere’sonethingthatworriesme–you
alwaysseemtobelookingoveryourshoulder.Youhaven’tgotacrimeonyourconscience,haveyou?ICARUSNo,Monsieur.M.BERRRIERAll thesame,youdoseemsuspicious. I’vebeenwatchingyou–youalways look
thiswayandthatbeforeyouputyournoseoutside.Areyouafraidofsomeone,orwhat?ICARUSI’mnotafraidofanything,MonsieurBerrrier.OnlyIsometimessaytomyself:ifthere’sa
bitofadraught–youneverknow–Imighttakewing.M.BERRRIER.Whatanidiotyouare,Icarus!
XLIII
ADELAIDEMysweetPapa,I’vemadeupmymind:I’mgoingtolookforhim.MAITRETOUTWhatareyousaying?Whatareyougoingtodo?ADELAIDEGotohim!Findhim!MAITRETOUTYou?Apureyounggirl!Plungeintosuchanadventure!Overmydeadbody!ADELAIDEComewithmethen,Father!MAITRETOUTYouwantustoabandonthisabodewherewe’resoniceandwarm,thisnovelwhere
we’resowellnourished,andourkindM.Lubert?ADELAIDEOurkindM.Lubert!Toobadforhim.HeshouldhavetakenbettercareofIcarus.Let’s
runaway.MAITRETOUTWhatcanIsay?WhatcanIdo?Ican’tletyouwanderaloneinthisvastParis.ADELAIDE You see! Let’s fly! He hasn’t closed his manuscript; let’s take advantage of this
opportunity.MAITRETOUTItbreaksmyheart.LeavingpoorM.Lubertandhiswater-markedpaper!
XLIV
SURGETWell,Morcol,yourenquirydoesn’tseemtobegettinganywhereandit’sbeginningtocostusalotofmoney.Aren’tyouonhistrail?
MORCOLTheBois deBoulogne.Everything leadsme back there.Reason, flair, intuition, not tomentionmymethodoffreeassociation–everythingsendsmeinthatdirection.UnfortunatelytheBoisdeBoulogneisvast;what’smore,it’sdangerous.Youkeepnearlygettingrunover.
SURGETWhatdoesthatmatter!Gobackthere!Sleepthere!Campthere!MORCOLHm,that’sallverywell,Monsieur,butI tellyou,withall thesenewvehicles, it’svery
dangerous.SURGETWe’llincreasethefee!Butgetonwithit!MORCOLI’llberiskingmylife.SURGETI’lldoubleyourfee.MORCOLAllright,then:afterall,there’sthecountryair.
XLV
MORCOLAsIsaidtoM.Surget,everythingleadsmebacktothiswoodwhererusticbirdsusedtosinginformerdays,butwhichisnowbecomingarace-courseforautomobilemonsters.
DEDION-BOUTON(chargingathim).Vrrrt!Vroom!Vrrrt!MORCOL(dodging).Himagain!He’sdefinitelyjustthrownhimselfintomyarms,asitwere!Not
withoutriskstomyperson,professionalrisks,you’llsay,quiteso,butthat’snotthepoint.AbirdsingsMORCOL(thoughtfully)Allthisneedssomeconsideration.
XLVI
Icarus sat down on a bench andwatched the sparrows pulling at bits of grass and bickering.Hewasn’t thinking of anything when a solemn-looking gentleman in a top hat sat down beside him. Thegentlemantookabagoutofthepocketofhistail-coat,dugintoitandstartedthrowingseedtothelittlebirdswhogatheredroundforthefeast.Whenhe’semptiedhisbag,thegentlemanrollsitupinaballandputs itback inhispocket though thefeatheredfraternitydidnot immediatelydisperse,as they still hadsome hope of a supplementary ration. The gentleman then lights a modest cigar with all the usualprecautions,sendsseveralpuffsuptotheheavensand,turningtoIcarus,says:
‘Yousee,I’mrewardingmyself.Somethingforthelittlebirds,somethingformyself.’ICARUSYes,Monsieur.THEGENTLEMANAren’tyougoingtogivethelittlebirdsanything?ICARUSTheideahadn’toccurredtome;Ithoughttheymanagedbythemselves.Totellyouthetruth,
I’dneveractuallythoughtaboutitatall.THEGENTLEMANHaveyouthoughtaboutotherproblems?ICARUSTheproblemoftheautomobile,forinstance.I’minthetrade.Anewformofmotion…THEGENTLEMANYoumovewithyourtimes,Isee.ICARUSVeryfunny.THEGENTLEMANIdidn’tdoitonpurpose;butperhapsyouaresurprisedatmyspeakingtoyou?
PerhapsyouthinkI’mindiscreet?ICARUSFarfromme,suchathought.THEGENTLEMANOrdoyoutakemeforapaederast?ICARUSWhat’sapaederast?THEGENTLEMANSanctasimplicitas,let’sforgetit.Totellyouthetruth,ifIspoketoyouitwas
becauseIfeelyouareaconfrère…acolleague…ICARUSAreyouinterestedinautomobilecarriages,too?THEGENTLEMANInnoway.ICARUSIcanrideabicycle,aswell.THEGENTLEMANNono,it’snotthat.Iwastalkingaboutyourmodeofexistence.ICARUSIt’ssimple.THEGENTLEMANIsuspectyou…ICARUS(gettingup).You’remistaken!Herunsaway.Thegentlemanhasgotup,too,andherunsafterIcarus.Hesooncatcheshimup.Hegallopsalong,
sidebysidewithIcarus,whocan’toutrunhim.Asiftheywererunningonthespot.THEGENTLEMANDon’tbeafraid!Idon’twishyouanyharm.Theycontinuetorunonthespot.ThusIcarusfindshimselfonanidenticalbenchwiththegentlemanathisside.
THEGENTLEMANIknewit.You’resittingon thisbenchbecauseyou’re runningawayfromtheBench.
ICARUSThefactis…Howdidyouguess?THEGENTLEMANI’minthesamesituation.ICARUSIthoughtminewasunique.THEGENTLEMANPeoplealwaysthinkthat,butactuallywe’reneveralone.Itoo,Monsieur,Ileft
thewriterwhosetmedowninwriting,forthatisthesituationyouarein,isitnot?ICARUSYes,Monsieur.THEGENTLEMANIt’smine,too.ICARUSAndwhat’syourauthorcalled?THEGENTLEMANSurget.ICARUSIknowhim.He’safriendofmyauthor.Heplayedadirtytrickonhimandfilchedme,but
hedidn’tkeepmelong.THEGENTLEMANIdidn’tknow.ThatmusthavebeenbeforeIexisted.Suchasyouseemenow,
Monsieur,I’monlyabouttendaysold:yes,Monsieur,abouttendaysold.M.SurgetstartedmeabouttendaysagoandyoucanseehowoldIam.Hegavemequitearespectablepast.BorninRodezonthe18thofApril1855,IwenttotheLycéeinCahorswhereIdidwell,andthentotheLycéeinOrleans,whereIlostmymeridionalaccent.IgotasecondclasshonoursArtsdegree,afterwhichIstartedmycareerasadraftsmaninaMinistrywhereIperformedwondersbecauseinduetimeIbecamechiefclerk.Sofar,youwill say, there has been nothing particularly extraordinary, but the plot thickenedwhen I gotmarried.When Iwasmarried, rather, and Iwon’t spell out for youwhowas responsible formymarriage.Hemarried me to a horrible woman, a lustful shrew, a poisonous adulteress. She deceives me. Yes,Monsieur,shedeceivesme.Thisleavesmetotallyindifferent,buthere’swherethingsbegintogetnasty.M.Surgetwastryingtoincitemetocrime.Heleduptoitverygentlyandthenonefineday–if that’swhat you can call it – Iwas supposed tomake coldmeat of her – yes, that’s a pretty apt expressionbecause I was supposed to chop her up with a chopper, something pretty sordid. Hold hard! I said:Nothingdoing.Inthefirstplace,it’saprocedureIdisapproveof:youdon’tkillawomanevenifshedoesgetonyournerves;andthen,youneverknowwhereitmaylead.Ihavenowishtomountthescaffoldwithaviewtoseeingmyhead tumble into thebranbasket.So Ipackedupbagandbaggage,andhere Iamfeedingthesparrows,atasteforwhichIamindebtedtoM.Surget.
ICARUSHaveyoubeengonelong?THEGENTLEMANOnlysincethismorning.ICARUSWhatareyougoingtodo?THEGENTLEMANGobacktotheMinistry.ICARUSM.Surgetwillnabyouthere.THEGENTLEMANIhadn’tthoughtofthat.ICARUSNottospeakofMorcol,who’sboundtobeonyourtrail.THEGENTLEMANMorcol?ICARUSAdetectivewhospecialisesinshadowingpeople.He’safterme.Hecaughtmeonce,butI
gotaway.
THEGENTLEMANThenIoughtnottogobacktomyMinistry?ICARUSIwouldn’tadviseit.THEGENTLEMANThat’s all very fine,but…where am Igoing to live? to sleep? toget some
money?toeat?Ihadn’tthoughtofallthat.ICARUSIcangetyouajobatmygarage.Whatcanyoudo?THEGENTLEMANIcancook.I’madabhandatit,andM.Surgetneverevenknew.
XLVII
MAITRETOUTMychild,I’mhungry!ADELAIDEMy sweet Papa, I’ve broken into my piggy-bank and I’ve brought the money in my
purse.We’llgotoarestaurantandyoucancheeryourselfupbyconsumingsomenourishingfood.MAITRETOUTIsn’titfoolhardytoeatthatmoney?ADELAIDENo,mysweetPapa.Thanks tomyfeminine intuitionand to the inspirationof love, it
won’tbelonguntilwefindIcarus,I’llmarryhim,becausenosoonersaidthandone,andwe’llgobacktolivewithM.Lubert,who’ssuretohaveasplendidfutureinstoreforme,andawiseoldageforyou,mysweetPapa.SowecanspendthemoneyI’vebroughtquiteshamelessly,eventhoughprudently.
MAITRETOUTI’mdyingofhunger,Ican’tbearitanylonger,I’mnotgettinganyyounger.Mychild–let’sfindatavernassoonaspossible.
ADELAIDE(firmly)No,mysweetPapa,wewon’tgotoatavern,buttoaDuvalRestaurant.TheygointoaDuvalRestaurant.Theyeatthere.Adelaidechecksthebillandpaysitinverysmall
smallchange,insous.MAITRETOUTWhatarewegoingtodonow,mychild–nowthatwe’rerefreshed?ADELAIDEWe’regoingtolookforIcarus,mysweetPapa!We’regoingtolookforIcarus.
XLVIII
HUBERTGoodevening,Eurtrude.Isthereanynews?EURTRUDENoneatall,mygoodmaster.HUBERTNoexpressletters?Novisitingcards?EURTRUDENeithernor.HUBERTWell then,Eurtrude,bringmea fingerofportwineandsomebiscuitswhich I shall eat
withaviewtocheeringmyselfup.Afterwhich,Ishalldoabitofwork.EurtrudeobeyedandHubertdidashehadsaid.Havingeatenafewbiscuitshesatdownathiswork
table.HUBERTYes,IshallcarryonwiththebookIstarted.True,Icarusismissing,butwhileI’mwaiting
forhimtocomebackIshallforcemyselftoreturntosomeoftheminorcharactersanddevotetothemtheseveralpageswhich,accordingtomyplan,aretheirdue.ThisistheresultofDr.Lajoie’sadvice:itissogoodthatIamfollowingit;ontheotherhandIdon’tforamomentdoubtthatMorcolwilldiscoverIcarusinnexttonotime.Hetrappedhimonce,didn’the?Bisrepetitaplacent.Noreasonwhyheshouldn’tfindhim again: I’ll elaborate the character of Maîtretout, then, and bring his daughter more into focus.Maîtretout,inspiteofhisname,onlyteachessymbolistpoetry;it’struethatthisisnotlackinginsecrets:vowelcolour,consonantflavour,subtlehypallages–thewholealchemyofwords.Maîtretout,inshort,isamodernFaust.I’llgethimtosayafewwords.
Silence.HUBERTWhat?What’s that I hear? Nothing!Maître-tout, Maîtretout, where are you? No funny
business,eh?Youaren’tgoingtodisappeartoo,areyou?Anyway,youwouldn’tleaveyourdaughterallalone.Wouldhe,Adelaide?What?What’sthat?What’sthatIdon’thear?Adelaide!youaren’tgoingtodisappeartoo,areyou!Adelaide!Mademoiselle!Ah!thelittlewretch!She’sdisappearedwithherPapa!
Heringsahandbell.EURTRUDEYourang,Monsieur?HUBERTEurtrude,youhaven’tseenanyoneleavinghere,haveyou?EURTRUDENoone,mygoodmaster.HUBERTNorcomingin?Anygendarmes,forinstance?EURTRUDEAbsolutelynothing,mygoodmaster,absolutelynothing.HUBERTGendarmes,infact–anabsurdhypothesis.Eurtrude!givemejustafingerofportwine,
andI’llhavesomebiscuitswithit.(Alone).Thisisbecomingfarcical!Allthesame,mycharacterscan’tjustdecamplikethat,oneaftertheother.WhathaveIgotleft, infact?Just thefoot-sloggers.ShallIbeabletocarryonwiththeseotherranks?
XLIX
SURGET(wipinghismouth)Thatwasanexcellentdinnerthatyouconcocted,mygoodlady.Ishallgoandwork,now.Myman iswaiting forme.Adulteryhasbeencommitted.Hediscovers it.Youcanguesswhatfollows:heavengeshishonourbut,andthis is thepoint:nothonourably, inadistinguishedmanner,withapistol,forexample,butbestially,withappallingcruelty.
MmeSURGETWhatablacksoulyouhave.SURGETMyman is going to kill hiswifewith a chopper. I’m evenwonderingwhether Iwon’t
makehimmakemincemeatofher.MmeSURGETHowhorrible!SURGETLikethelegendofSaintNicholas.MmeSURGETWell,ifitrelievesyourfeelings!SURGETGiveme,mywifeandspouse,afingerofportwine,andthenI’llstart.Hedrinkshisfingerofportwineandsitsdownathisworktable.SURGETMycharacter, I forgot to tellmywifeand spouse, isnamedCorentinDurendal, aname
whichIhadgreatdifficultyinfinding.DurendalisobviouslyanallusiontothefatalchopperandCorentinstresseshisBretonorigin;borninRodez,hisparentscamefromMorbihan: this is thesortof thingthatnovelreadersareinterestedin.CorentinDurendal,thatpeaceablecivilservant,ispreparingtocommitacrime,butforthemoment,asishiswont,heisfeedingthebirds,justlikeaRacinianEternalFather.Iseeencirclinghimallthatlittletwittering,featheredworld,innocentandvolatile,whohavenottheslightestsuspicionthattheirpeaceablefoster-fatherisabouttocommitanatrociouscrime.Isee,then,CorentinDu…no, though, Idon’tseehim.Andyethehadn’t finished feeding the littlebirds!Maybehe’schangedbenches.No,though.Allthebenchesareempty,excepttheoneoccupiedbyacoupleoflovers.
THECOUPLEOFLOVERSWe’rekissingbecauseweweretoldtokiss.SURGETThosetwomustcomefromJean.Inanycasetheydisappear,asJeanhasmovedthemtotheBoisdeVincennes.SURGETNomoreCorentin!NomoreDurendal! It’s not possible!No, it’s not possible! I don’t
understand.But,but,but…couldthepeaceableCorentinDurendalhaveplayedthesametrickonmeasIcarusdidtoLubert?It’sastounding!Corentine!Corentine!
MmeSURGET(comingrunning).Didyoucallme,mytreasure?SURGETCorentinDurendal,theheroofmynovel,theoneIwastellingyouaboutjustnow,theone
whowasgoingtokillhiswifewithachopper–CorentinDurendalhasdisappeared!MmeSURGETAh,thegoodfellow!SURGETSothat’showyousharemydistress.MmeSURGETOhbutIdo,mytreasure,Ido,Idoshareit,butIalsounderstandperfectlythatM.
CorentinDurendalshouldrefusetokillhiswife.Especiallywithachopper.SURGETMystick!myhat!I’mgoingtoseeMorcol!He’llfindhimforme.Recoursetohimismy
onlyresource.
MmeSURGETBelieveme,mytreasure,allyouhavetodoisnotmakehimkillhiswife,andM.CorentinDurendalwillcomeback.
SURGETNo,no! Iwanthim tokillher.Thanks for thestick, thanks for thehat! I’mgoing to seeMorcol.Ishallrunalltheway!
L
TheGlobeandTwoWorldsTavern.EnterLNTHEDRINKERS‘Butit’sLN!’‘LN!What’sbecomeofyou?’‘Whathadbecomeofher?’‘LN!LN!butit’sLN!’‘What’sbecomeofyou,LN?’‘Whathadbecomeofher?’LNGreetings,Messieurs.WAITER(comingrunning).Yes,Madame?LNAroundforeveryone!THEDRINKERSHurrahforLN!FIRSTDRINKERSoyou’reback!Wehaven’tseenyouforsuchalongtime.LNI’vechangedmybeat.SECONDDRINKERAndwhatgoodwindbringsyoubackhere?LNIwantedtoseemyoldfriends.FIRSTDRINKERThatwasnice.WAITERHerearetheabsinthes.LNThiswillbethelastglassofwormwoodIshalldrinkhere.SECONDDRINKERYoujustwantedtoseeusagain,andthat’sall?WAITERSeeusagain,andthat’sall?LNSeeyouagain,andsayadieu!Adieutomypastlife,tomysomewhatfrivolousyouth!Allowme
to inform you, dear absinthe drinkers, that I am abandoningmy former profession and setting up as adressmaker.
FIRSTDRINKERHowbanal!LNFar from it! For I shall neither sew normake ordinary clothes, but solely bloomers for lady
bicyclists. I am setting up near theAvenue de laGrande-Armée and the PorteMaillot, the district inwhichourmodernmeansoftransportarecomingintobeing.
SECONDDRINKERYou’removingwiththetimes,LN,andevenfasterthanthem.LNThat’sjustwhatIthink.Thebicycleisnotonlygoingtostartanewfashion,itwillalsogiveour
sedentarypeoplesatastefortravelandtourism;itwillreviveourdormantprovinces,attractvisitorstothe country, facilitate human relations among villagers not merely in the same parish but even inneighbouringparishes,andfinallyitwillgivetheFrenchwomanthelibertyherAnglo-Saxonsistershavealreadyconquered.Thisiswhatpeoplearesaying,andIproclaimit.
ALLTHEDRINKERSBravo!HurrahfortheBike!HurrahforSport!Theydrinktheirabsinthes.
LIMORCOL(inhisoffice).Idon’tknowwhyIamsopossessedbymelancholysincethesylvanwalks
towhichtheexerciseofmyprofessionleadsme,walkswhichhoweveraredisturbedbythemodernityofthecharacterIamsupposedtobefollowing.Melancholy,blissfulmelancholy,youincitemetoretirefromthisstory.Iwanttorelax,totakemymodestsavingsandgototheRivieratobreathethebalmyeffluviaoftheorangeandlemontrees.Yes,that’swhereIshallgoandlive.It’sasuddendecision,butit’salreadyquitefirm.Weshallabidebyit,andit’sjusttoobadforourclients:
Abellrings.MORCOLButthere’sthebell.Whocanbecomingthustotroublemeinmysonorousmeditations?Hegoestoopenthedoor.SURGETAh!mydearman!MORCOLHecallsmemydearman!SURGET(veryemotionally)Mydearman!MORCOLThingsmustbegoingbadly.SURGETGiveupthesearchforIcarus…MORCOLIalreadyhave.SURGETAndfindmeCorentinDurendal.MORCOLOneofyourcharacters?SURGET Yes. I’ve just noticed that he’s disappeared. So you see, Icarus is only of secondary
importance,now.YoumustgetonDurendal’strail.Andanyway,Idon’tthinkyou’llhaveanydifficulty;he’sapeaceablecivilservant,you’lleasilypickuphistracks.
MORCOLMonsieurSurget,you’rewastingyourbreath.SURGETWhatdoesthatmean?MORCOLI’mgivingup,MonsieurSurget. I’mgivingup.Nomoreshadowing.Andaboveall,no
more shadowing of shadows – meaning the insubstantial images of authors’ imaginations. MonsieurSurget,I’mshuttingupshop.
SURGETYoucan’tdothattome!MORCOLThat’sthewayitis.SURGETMyfortune!myfortuneforDurendal!MORCOLNotforabillionfrancs.SURGETJustoncemore!Onelasttime!MORCOLIamneitherapuppetnoramarionette.Nothingcanmakemegobackonmydecision.SURGETYouhavenopity.MORCOLIhavesomeformyself.SURGETYouwouldn’tallowmyquilltorundryoveraworkthatwouldhavebeenembellishedby
anabominablecrime?MORCOLTowit?SURGETWithachopper.
MORCOLBanal.SURGETNotintheeyesofmypublic.Whatanovelitwouldmake!MORCOLYou’llwriteothers.That’swhatIalwaystoldM.Lubert.SURGETAndyou’regoingtoleavehimtoowithouthisIcarus?MORCOL I tell you, I’m shutting up shop, I’mpackingmybags, and I’moff to the shores of the
Rivieratobreathethebalmyeffluviaoftheorangeandlemontrees.SURGETThenIwillleaveyou,alas,cruelMorcol,prostratewithgrief.It’smypunishment:Isteal
Icarus,andCorentinDurendalstealsaway.MORCOLMaybe,butI’moff.
LII
DoctorLajoieprescribesalittlebicarbonateofsoda.‘Isthatall,Doctor?’asksthesufferer.‘I’veheardthatantipyrine…orPinkPills…’‘Wellwell!sothat’swherewe’vegotwithpopularmedicineandthepharmaceuticaladvertisements
which are displayed not insidiously but in abundance in the daily and even weekly papers. So that’swherewe’vegot:thepatientwantstohealhimself!Anyminutenowhe’llbewantingtowriteouthisownprescription!’
‘Then,Doctor,youthink…’‘Bicarbonateofsodaisamiraclemedicinewhich,inmoderatedoses,willdoyouthegreatestgood.
Drinkalittleherbteaaswell,butnottoexcess’.When the valetudinarian had gone,DoctorLajoiewent to check that therewas no one left in the
waiting-room. He was sure there wasn’t, but being of an anxious temperament he needed to makeassurancedoublysure.Havinggoneroundhisconsultingroominaclockwisedirection,andthenintheoppositedirection,hehalf-openedthedoorandsawSurget.
DOCTORYouhere!Ididn’thearyoucomein.SURGETAsnooneopenedthedoor,Ipulledthecatchandthatloosedthelatch.DOCTORMyhousekeeperhasgonetoconsultahealerintheprovincesandhersubstituteleavesat
fiveo’clock,butthatcan’tbeofanyspecialinteresttoyou.Whatillwindbringsyouhere?SURGETAsthesayinggoes,Idon’tknowwhichwaytoturn.DOCTORSitdown,mydearfriend.I’mlistening.SURGETHaveyoucuredHubertLubert?DOCTORIflattermyselfthatIhave!Whilehe’swaitingforIcarustocomebackhe’scontinuinghis
novel with some of his minor characters: this is one of my greatest successes. I’ve cured him sothoroughlythatIdon’tseehimanymore,whichcausesmeacertainlossofrevenue.Butthatisamatterofminorconsequencetome.Haveyoueverreflected,mydearfriend,onthisparadox?IfdoctorshadnotsworntobeauthenticdisciplesofHippocrates,woulditnotbeintheirinteresttomaketheircureslastaslongaspossible?
SURGETExcuseme,Doctor,butyourproblemsareforthemomentoflittlecomforttome:Iwouldprefertotellyouaboutmyproblems.Orrather,myproblem.
DOCTORMydigressionwas provoked by your question: ‘Have you curedHubertLubert?’, youknow.Butgoon:I’mlistening.
SURGETWell,thesamethinghashappenedtome.Mychiefcharacterhasdisappeared.DOCTORGetMorcoltolookforhim.SURGETAs the sayinggoes:hie jacet lepus.Hedoesn’twant toworkanymore. It’saveritable
catastrophe.DOCTORNotreally.Hehasn’tfoundIcarus–whydoyousupposehe’dbeanymorelikelytofind
yours?
SURGETHowtrue;Ihadn’tthoughtofthat.Whatamarvellousthingcommonsenseis.Asthesayinggoes:it’sthecommonestthingintheworld.
DOCTORYes:exceptthere’salsosuchathingasbeingonshortcommons.SURGETMeaningthatIamshortofcommonsense?Wouldthatbeyouropinion,Doctor?DOCTORNotatall,notatall.SURGETThankyou.Whatdoyouadvisemetodo,then?DOCTORImitateyourcolleagueHubertLubert.Continuethesamenovelwiththeothercharacters,
orelsestartanotherone.SURGETIt’sidiotic,youradvice.DOCTORIt’scommonsensespeakingthroughmymouth.Thissaid–wouldyoulikemetoconvince
youofitbyasuitableformoftreatment?SURGETWhatsortoftreatment?DOCTORYouliedownonthatcouchandtellmeeverythingthatcomesintoyourhead.SURGETThat’snotmystyle,sayingwhatevercomesintomyhead.IknowwhatImean,whenIsay
something,andImeanwhatIsay.Saywhatevercomesintomyhead,indeed!DOCTORWell,tellmeadream,then…SURGETThey’reidiotic,dreams.Andanyway,Ineverdream.Asthesayinggoes,I’veputallmy
imaginationintomynovels,andnothingintomydreams.DOCTORAmissedopportunity,then:anactofomission.SURGETStealingIcarusdidn’tbringmeluck.DOCTORWeprotoanalystsdon’tcallthatanactofomission.It’safailedactofcommission.SURGETAndwhatdoesthevocable‘protoanalyst’signify?DOCTORThatsignificantdesignatesanewprofessionwhichIamaddingtothatofsawboneswhich
hassofarbeenmyonlysignification.AndthankstomypracticeofthisprofessionIamnowinapositiontohelpyouinonewayoranotherinyoursearch,buttothatendyoumustliedownonthiscouch.
SURGETJustamoment!Asthesayinggoes:timeismoney–sogivemesomemoneytothink.
LIII
LNhadsetupshopatNo.5rueBelidor.Heresheemployedthreeyoungshop-ladies.Theworkshopopenedontothecourtyard;itsall-femalestaffconsistedoftwobloomer-makers,onealterationhandandthreeapprentices.SoitwasquitealittlebusinessthatLNhaddrummedupandshewascertainlytobeseen in two if not three places at once, receiving the clients, presiding at fittings and supervising theproduction. In short, shewas doing a roaring trade. LNwas in themoney, and she could easily havesupported Icarus if he, for his part, had not received some slight pecuniaries throughmaking himselfusefultoM.Berrrier.
LNhadtakensokindlytocommercethatonemightalmosthavethoughtshehadbeenborntoit.Oneday,forexample,incomesawoman,whatmayIdoforyou,Madame?,sucharethewordspronouncedbyLN,andthewomananswers,I’dlikesomecyclingbloomers,somethingverysmart.You’vecometotherightshop,Madame,LNtellsher,Ihavetheverythingtoadorntheposteriorandaccentuatethecalves.Here,Madame,istheverylatestmodel,oneofmypersonalcreations,inScottishtartanwithlongitudinalgussets,perfectionitself,whichwillfityoulikeaglove,especiallyinviewofthewayMadameisbuilt,absolutelymadeforyou,you’llbedelighted,justcomethisway,Madame,andletustryitonyou.Oncewe’veremovedthefrillsandfurbelowsyou’llseeforyourself,Madame,thatthesebloomers,amodelofmy personal creation in Scottish tartan andwith longitudinal gussets, that these bloomers fit youwithmiraculous ease and that thus bedizened you really look like a goddesş. In the Miss Velocipedecompetitionyouwillcertainlybearthepalm,likeHeraonMountIda.
THECLIENTIthoughtitwasAphrodite.LNJustarumour.Inanycase,whatdoesclassicalmythologymatter.Whatcountsforuswomen is
modernmythology,theFairyElectricity, theEiffelTower,thePanhard-Levassorandthelittlequeen,asweup-to-dateFrenchcallthebicycle.Andofallthequeenswhoridethelittlequeenyou,Madame,asIhavealreadyremarked,willbethegoddess.Youhavealreadymadeyourdecision,Iamsure,thereisnoneedformetopressthepoint,willyoutakeitwithyou?
THECLIENTNo;Iwantitdelivered.LNName?Address?THECLIENTMadamedeChampvaux,130rueLaBoétie.Cashondelivery.Shegoesout.LNStrangefatethatbringsusfacetoface.Coulditbeatrap?AMacchiavellianplot?
LIV
Atthegarage.CorentinDurendaliscautiouslydustinganewautomobilewithacleancloth.MONSIEURBERRRIERWell,Icarus,whatdoyousaytothislittlejewel?ICARUSIsay:phew!MONSIEURBERRRIERIt’saPanhard-Levassor.They’llbeabletogetuptotwentymilesanhour
withthis.Maybeeventwenty-twoortwenty-three.ICARUSButwherewillpeoplego,todriveatsuchspeeds?It’shopelessintheBoisnow,it’sfullof
forest-rangers.MONSIEUR BERRRIER They’ll have to build a special road where there’ll be nothing but
automobilecarriages.They’llcallitanautodrome.ICARUSWhatadream!Speedwithoutforest-rangers.MONSIEURBERRRIERWell,yes.But thetroubleis thatonsuchanautodromepeoplewouldbe
goingfromnowheretonowhere.ICARUSButwhy,MonsieurBerrrier,wouldpeoplebegoingfromnowheretonowhere?MONSIEURBERRRIERBecausetheautodrome,bydefinition,wouldbecircular.ICARUSIdon’tseewhy.Neitherautonordromeprescribecircularity,accordingtothedistantand
instinctiveremembranceIstillhaveofthetongueofmyancestors.MONSIEURBERRRIERPerhapsnot.ButpersonallyIseeitascirculair:Ihaveaperfectright to,
haven’tI?ICARUSIwon’tcontradictyou,MonsieurBerrrier.MONSIEURBERRRIERAnevenmadderdreamwouldbearoadsolelyreservedforautomobiles,
whichwouldgofromsomewheretosomewhere.ICARUSAndthatwouldbecalledanautostrada.MONSIEURBERRRIERNo,anautoroute.ICARUSRight,MonsieurBerrrier.MONSIEUR BERRRIER A still madder dream is when there won’t be any more automobile
carriagesatall.They’llhavedisappearedlikethemammoth.Andwemechanicsandgaragemenwillbeaforgottenspecies, like the speciesofmarineanimalswhose fossilised traces are found inKimmeridgeclay,forinstance.
ICARUSYouatleast,MonsieurBerrrier,takethelongview.You’rearealprophet.MONSIEURBERRRIERLet’snotexaggerate.ICARUSButit’strue,MonsieurBerrier;onlyveryfewpeoplecanseeintothefuturelikeyoucan.MONSIEURBERRRIERImustadmitthat…ICARUSWellthentellme,MonsieurBerrrier,doyoubelievethatonedaypeoplewillbeabletodo
somethinglikesixtymilesanhour?MONSIEURBERRRIERNever,myboy.Never.
LV
EURTRUDEIsthatyouMonsieurMorcol?Themasterhasbeenwaitingforyoumostimpatiently.MORCOLHe’sgoingtobedisappointed.HegoesintoHubert’sstudy.HUBERTAh,thereyouare.Didyougetmyexpressletter?MORCOLThereasonformyvisit.HUBERTHaveyoufoundIcarus?MORCOLNo.HUBERTWell,you’llhavetoaddMaîtretoutandhisdaughterAdelaidetothelist.They’veflown
too,butasIpresumethatAdelaideistryingtofindIcarus,thatshouldgiveyouaclue.Orevenaclew.You’llcatchallthreeofthem;itmustbeeasiertofindacommunitythananisolatedindividual.
MORCOLHowlonghavetheybeengone?HUBERTFourdays. Imighthave toldyouearlier, I agree. Imust admit that Iwashoping they’d
comebackoftheirownaccord,andperhapsevenbringIcaruswiththem.MORCOLMonsieurLubert,IregrettohavetoinformyouthatI’mshuttingupshop.HUBERTIbegyourpardon?MORCOLIsay,I’mshuttingupshop.Iamnolongerpractisingasadetective.HUBERTButthen…Icarus…Maîtretout…Adelaide…CanInolongerplaceanyhopeinyou?MORCOLNone.HUBERTAndwhatabouttheadvancesIgaveyou?MORCOLYou’llhavetowritethemoff.HUBERTButthat’sfraud!botheconomicalandpsychological.MORCOLI’mdeclaringmyselfbankrupt.HUBERTNomorehelpfromyou?Comecome,justalittleeffort.YoumanagedtofindIcarusforme
once,youcanequallywellmanageitagain,andallthemoresoasI’mgivingyouanewlead.MORCOLNoargufying,MonsieurLubert. I’mgivingup. I amgoing to retire to the shoresof the
Rivieratobreathethebalmyeffluviaoftheorangeandlemontrees.AnddoyouknowhowIintendtogothere?
HUBERTWhatdoIcare.MORCOLBybicycle.
LVI
AttheClub.JACQUESMydearman,Ihavesomeseriousnewstotellyou.JEANSohaveI.JACQUESChamissac-Piépluhasdisappeared.JEANSohaveallmycharacters!Awholefileofthem.Ihaven’tasingleoneleft.Isn’titmad?JACQUESWhowouldhavethoughtitofhim?JEANJustone,wellallright,butallofthematthesametime!Eventheminorcharacters!eventhe
concierge’sparrot.JACQUESChamissac-Piépluwasagildedyouth.Money–women–hehadeverything!JEANWhatamesswe’rein.JACQUESWemightperhapsaskthatdetectivetohelpus…SURGET (insurgent) My friends, I have some painful news to tell you. Corentin Durendal has
disappeared.JEANANDJACQUESWe’reallinthesamesituation.SURGETYoutoo?JEANANDJACQUESWetoo!Deprivedofourcreations!OuronlyhopenowisyouandMorcol.SURGETMyfriends,whatasaddisappointmentisinstoreforyou!Morcolnolongerwishestoengageinthissortofbusiness!JEANCatastrophic!JACQUESDecidedly,thesituationismauve.SURGETAh!ifwehadn’tstolenIcarus,thiswouldneverhavehappenedtous.JEANANDJACQUESWedon’tseetheconnection.
LVII
LNCareful!She’llsoonbeheretofetchhercyclingbloomers.ICARUSTheonlythingsheeverseemstothinkofisdressingup.LNMycyclingbloomersaremostbecoming.ICARUSIthinkthey’rehideous,andthewomenwhowearthemlooklikesillygeese.LNDon’tdisparagemytrade.ICARUSIt’snotyourtradeI’mdisparaging,it’sthefashion.Ihopeyou’renotgoingtostartwearing
them,tosettheexample.LNSeeingthatIdon’trideabicycle.It’stheautomobileforme.Thankstoyou.ICARUSThebicycleisathingofthepast.LNInthemeantime,thelittlequeenisalltherage,andridingabikeinbloomersofLN’screation,
well,myclientsthinkthat’sfine.ICARUSAllright,Ididn’tsayathing.I’mgoingtowork,now.LNAsIsaidbefore:beonyourguardagainstlaChampvaux.ICARUSI’llbeonmyguard–butshemusthaveforgottenme,youknow.LNNooneeverforgetsyou.
LVIII
TheBerrriergarage.M.Berrrierisfromhome.IcarushastakenthePanhard-Levassorouttogiveitabreath of fresh air.CorentinDurendal, alone, is leaning on a broom, dreaming.A young lady arrives,carryingasuitcase.Whichsheputsdown.Sheisaccompaniedbyasilentchaperon.
THEYOUNGLADYAnyonethere?CORENTINDURENDAL(slowlyraiseshiseyes,andsaysnothing).THEYOUNGLADYAnyonein?CORENTINDURENDAL(slowlylowershiseyes,andsaysnothing).THEYOUNGLADYAnyonearound?CORENTINDURENDAL(slowlyraiseshiseyesandsaysnothing).THEYOUNGLADYNotevenanecho?CORENTINDURENDALCorentinDurendal.THEYOUNGLADYAndPapa?CORENTINDURENDALIhaven’tthehonouroftheacquaintanceofyourrespectedfather.THEYOUNGLADYM.Berrrier,ofcourse.CORENTINDURENDALInthatcase,itishisgarageIhavethehonourtosweep,andhistyres–or
ratherthoseofhisautomobiles–thatIhavethehonourtodust.MlleBERRRIERIsn’thehere?CORENTINDURENDALNo,Mademoiselle.Nottoranhour.MlleBERRRIERDrat.Anhour.WhatamIgoingtodowhileI’mwaiting?(Turningtohissilentcompanion):WhatamIgoingtodowhileI’mwaiting?SILENTCHAPERON(raiseshereyestoheaven).MlleBERRRIERI’mgoingtositdown.CORENTINDURENDAL(pointingtoadeDionBouton).Sitinthere.WithMadame.You’llseehow
comfortableitis.MlleBERRRIERIdon’tdare,itmightstartallbyitself.CORENTINDURENDALYou’venothingtobeafraidof.It’ssodifficulttostartthatitneedsboth
thestrengthofagrownmanandtheskillofamechanic.MlleBERRRIER(tohersilentchaperon).Shallwetry?SILENTCHAPERON(lowershereyestotheground).MlleBERRRIER(climbingup to the seat in thedeDion-Bouton).This is the first time I’ve ever
beeninanautomobile.Veryinteresting.SILENTCHAPERON(sitsdowninthecarwithoutmanifestinganyemotioneitheronewayorthe
other).MlleBERRRIERAnddoesitgo?CORENTINDURENDALWiththismachineyoucangomuchfasterthanagallopinghorse.MlleBERRRIERWhatagalley-yarn.
CORENTINDURENDALInnowise,Mademoiselle.It’sthehonesttruth.WhenM.Icarusisdrivinghegoesevenfasterthanyourfather.
MlleBERRRIERWho’sM.Icarus?CORENTIN DURENDAL A mechanic who works for your father. A most talented young man.
Almostanengineer.MlleBERRRIERIshehandsome?CORENTINDURENDALHe’samagnificentyoungman.MlleBERRRIERIlovehimalready!(tohersilentchaperon).AndIshallmarryhim.SILENTCHAPERON(raiseshereyestoheaven).
LIX
MAITRETOUTI’mgettingtired.We’venearlygottothePorteMaillotandwe’vebeenwalkingforoveranhour.
ADELAIDEWell,mysweetPapa–lookatthatbench,whichisholdingoutitsarmstoyou.Let’ssitdown.
MAITRETOUTLet’ssitdown!Theysitdown.Silence.MAITRETOUT(suddenly).Adelaide,look!butlook!ADELAIDEButatwhom,mysweetPapa?MAITRETOUTAtthatmanthere,infrontofus,sweepingoutthatgarage.ADELAIDEYes,mysweetPapa,Icanseehimquitewell.He’sworkingconscientiously.MAITRETOUTDon’tyounoticeanything?ADELAIDENo,mysweetPapa.IthinkIcanguessthatthegentlemanhasn’talwaysbeenasweeper,
thathehasknownbetterdays,that…ah!mysweetPapa,I’mbeginningtoseewhatyoumean…MAITRETOUTImeanthat…ADELAIDEHe’slikeus…MAITRETOUTYes (pause). Let’s go and put the question to him, tactfully, even though I am so
extremelytired.TheygetupandgoovertoCorentinDurendal.MAITRETOUTExcuseme,Monsieur.CORENTINDURENDALMonsieur…MAITRETOUTCouldyoukindlytellmethewaytothePorteMaillot?CORENTINDURENDALMonsieur,you’repracticallythere.Justafewmorestepsinthatdirection
(gesture).MAITRETOUTYoumustexcuseme…butwhenonedoesn’tknowParis…CORENTIN DURENDAL So Monsieur and Mademoiselle come from the provinces? That’s no
disgrace.MAITRETOUTOfcourseitisn’t!Allthemoresoaswecomefromevenfartheraway,ifImayso
putit.CORENTINDURENDALMightyoubeforeigners?MAITRETOUTInacertainsense.LikeyouyourselfIbelieve,Monsieur.CORENTINDURENDALWhatdoesthatmean?MAITRETOUT I shall perhapsnot surpriseyouwhen I tell you that Iwasbornwhen Iwas fifty
yearsold,andthateventhoughIwasbornatthatageIalreadyhadadaughterofeighteen.Hadn’tI,mychild?
ADELAIDEYes,mysweetPapa.
CORENTINDURENDALItdoesn’tsurpriseme.MAITRETOUTYouyourself,Monsieur…CORENTINDURENDALIamfortyyearsold,andhaveexistedforaweek.MAITRETOUTThat’sjustwhatIthought…youwereborn,likeme…likeher…atthetipofa
quill…CORENTINDURENDALIguesseditthemomentIsawyou.MAITRETOUTSodidI.CORENTINDURENDALSinceyouareinthesamesituationasI,youmustbeonyourguard.MAITRETOUTAgainstwhom?CORENTINDURENDALAgainstacertainMorcol…he’s lookingforusall…he’s looking for
me,he’slookingforIcarus.ADELAIDEIcarus!Doyouknowhim?CORENTINDURENDALIndeedIdo!Heworkshere.ADELAIDEOhGod!(shefaintsinherfather’sarms.)
LX
DOCTORIassureyou that ifyoucould just tellmeabout some little actofomission,you’d feelmuchbetter.
HUBERTIdon’twriteplays.DOCTORIdon’tunderstand.HUBERTIfIwroteplays,evenifIwroteonewithonlyoneact,itwouldn’tmeanthatI’domitted
theothers.DOCTORImeantineverydaylife.Don’tyoueverforgetyourkeys?don’tyoueverhavealapseof
memory?missatrain?findyourselfonthewrongfloor?HUBERTNotsofarasmyrecollectiongoes.ThatIammad,’tisnottrue.DOCTORIt’snotaquestionofmadness.Weproto-analystsstartinthiswaybecauseyouareaverse
tofreeassociationandyouneverseemtodream.HUBERTIfindallyourprototypalpracticesextremelydispleasing,Doctor.Itonlyremainsforme
nowtopayyouandgohome.DOCTORIt’sthepayingthatcounts;you’llseehowmuchgoodit’lldoyou.Hubertpaysandleaves.Hegoeshomeandsitsdownathistableonwhichisplacedablanksheetofpaper.Helooksatitfor
alongtimeinsilence.HUBERT And anyway, to blazes with them all! They can go where they like, all the Icaruses,
MaîtretoutsandAdelaides.I’mgoingtostartanothernovel!Hedipshisquillintheinkandstartstowriteanothernovel.
LXI
EURTRUDEMonsieur!Here’sanothershrovetidereveller!MmeDECHAMPVAUX(incyclingbloomers)(shecomessailingin).HowdoIlook?HUBERTWhatevernext.MmeDECHAMPVAUXIsthatallyoucanfindtosaytome?EURTRUDEPersonally,Iamgonewiththewind.Shedisappears.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWhatanidiotsheis.Andyoujustsittheregaping!HUBERTEr…MmeDECHAMPVAUXNodoubtaboutit;allIgetfromyouissuspicionandincomprehension.HUBERTWell,youknowme…out-and-outmodernism…MmeDECHAMPVAUXWhatalet-down.Silence.MmeDECHAMPVAUX(resolutely)ifthat’showitis,I’lltakethemoff.HUBERTNono,notnow.I’mworking.MmeDECHAMPBAUXYou’reworking!IsIcarusback?HUBERTNo,butI’mwritinganothernovel.MmeDECHAMPVAUXThenyou’vegotyourardourback?HUBERTMyardourforwork.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAllIcandonow,then,isgoandgetsomemorecyclingbloomersmade.
LXII
CORENTINDURENDALLunchisready!ICARUSAren’twegoingtowaitforM.Berrrier?CORENTINDURENDALHe’stakenhisdaughterouttoarestauranttocelebrateherreturn.ICARUSHasheadaughter?CORENTINDURENDALYes.Andhisdaughterhasachaperon.ICARUSThat’snewstome.Whyhaveyoulaidfourplaces,then?CORENTINDURENDALWehaveguests.ICARUSIhaven’tinvitedanybody.CORENTINDURENDALYou’llsee.Comein!(EnterMaîtretoutandAdelaide).ICARUSSowemeetagain!ADELAIDEYouaren’tparticularlysurprised?ICARUSNotreally.CORENTINDURENDALLunchisready!MAITRETOUTYourwelcomeseemsabitcallous,tome,Icarus.ICARUSI’llsoftenit.Whydon’twehaveanabsinthe?MAITRETOUTInevertouchit:it’spoison.CORENTINDURENDAL(opensabottleof redwineandpours itoutall round.Hegets them to
passthesardines-in-pure-olive-oil).They’reAmieuxsardines.Itookthemoutofthetinmyself.ICARUSSo,MonsieurMaîtretout,you’vebeenfollowingme?MAITRETOUTIt’sratherthatI’vebeenfollowingmydaughter.ICARUSWeren’tyouhappyatM.Lubert’s?ADELAIDEMytimidity,andtheproprieties,forbidmetoanswerthat,withoutyou,Iwasunhappy
there.CORENTINDURENDAL It’s touching.M.Surgetwouldneverhave thoughtof that.All heknew
aboutwasadultery.MAITRETOUTShh!Infrontofayounglady…ADELAIDEMysweetPapa,Iknowwhatitis.Iknowlife,now,sinceI’vebeenrovingthroughthis
vastParislookingfor…Monsieur.ICARUSInmyday,itwasn’ttheyoungladieswhodeclaredthemselvestotheyoungmen.ADELAIDEItcanbereadinmodernnovels.ICARUSOh,I’mmorereadaboutthanareader.ADELAIDEWeweredestinedtounderstandeachother.MAITRETOUTIapprove,Iapprovethisbadinage,butIdeplorethefactthatitistakingplaceover
sardinesatthebackofagarage.Youmustresumeyourtenderbanterinsomeboskywood–orwaittill
thenextfullmoon.ICARUS You’re right, Monsieur Maîtretout; let’s change the subject. Let’s come back to you,
MonsieurMaîtretout.Youreallyhavenothing to reproachM.Lubert for,apart, if Imaysoput it, fromAdelaidebeingcrossedinlove.
ADELAIDEI’dlikesomemoresardines.MAITRETOUT I even thought M. Lubert extremely likeable. He had great qualities, and he’d
endowedmewithsomeconsiderableones.TheonlythingIdisapprovedof,andIimaginethatyousharemyopiniononthematter,washisliaisonwithMmedeChampvaux.
ICARUS(absent-mindedly).Shehadsomecyclingbloomersmade.ADELAIDEAmadwoman.ICARUSAscheminghussy.IamasmuchafraidofherasIamofMorcol.CORENTINDURENDALDon’tlet’stalkaboutthem,that’sthebestthing.Orwemightattractthem
likeamagnetattractsironshavings.ADELAIDEIronfilings.CORENTINDURENDALAnddoyouknowM.Surget,MonsieurMaîtretout?MAITRETOUTIsawhimtwoorthreetimesatM.Lubert’s.Iwouldn’twanttohaveanythingtodo
withhim.ICARUS I agree with you. He had me kidnapped by bogus gendarmes. Luckily I got out of his
clutches.CORENTINDURENDALAndwhataboutme?Hehadpreparedanextremelydistastefulfateforme.MAITRETOUTMightoneknowwhatfate?CORENTINDURENDALIwassupposedtokillmywifewithachopper.ADELAIDEHowfrightful!CORENTINDURENDALAndnowI’llbringyouthesteakandchips,it’smyspeciality.Niceand
rare.
LXIII
CORENTINDURENDALMonsieurMaîtretout–aliqueur?MAITRETOUTWell,IreallybelieveIwill.Youareanexquisitecook.Whatagoodlunch,andit’s
apleasuretobeamongstourownkind.ICARUSWhatdoyoumeanbythat,MonsieurMaîtretout?MAITRETOUTImean,amongstourownkind…youknowwhatImean.ICARUSDoyoufeeldifferentfromtheothermeninthestreet?MAITRETOUTYes…eventhough,amongstthemtheremaywellbesome…likeus…youknow
whatImean.ICARUSWell personally,MonsieurMaîtretout, I don’t see the slightest difference. You, Lubert,
Morcol,MmedeChampvauxandAdelaide–formeit’sthesamething.MAITRETOUTEvenso…evenso…ICARUSOncewearefree,don’twehavethesamedesires, thesameneeds?Thesamefaculties?
Don’twehavetoobeythesamenecessitiesoflife?MAITRETOUTOncewe’refree,yes,butwealwaysruntheriskofreturningtoadifferentstate if
we’recaught.Theothermeninthestreetdon’t.ICARUSHowdoweknow?Itmayallcometothesamething.Theymaybethecharactersofsome
othersortofauthor.MAITRETOUTThere,Ican’tfollowyou.Avoicecallsintothegarage:Anyonethere?ICARUSI’llgo.Heknocksbackhisliqueurandgoes.AYOUNGFOPYoungman,Ishouldliketobuyforthwithandforcashanautomobile that travels
withthegreatestpossiblerapidity.ICARUSMonsieur,thebossisn’thereyet,he’llbebackanyminutenow.InthemeantimeIcanshow
youoneor twomodels…To tell you the truth, theonlyoneswehave left for sale are this deDion-BoutonandthatPanhard-Levassor.Theycanbothreachamaximumspeedofnearlythirtymilesanhour.
THEYOUNGFOPHowcanIchoose?ICARUSTheyarebothequallystronglybuiltandtheyareexactlythesameprice.THEYOUNGFOPWhichis…?ICARUSThirteenhundredandninety-fivefrancs.THEYOUNGFOPHereitis.Heputsthemoneydownsomewhere:onawork-bench,forinstance.ICARUSWithouttheboss,Ican’tsellyou….THEYOUNGFOPI’minahurry.ICARUSI’msorry.
THEYOUNGFOP(peeringatIcarus).Youngman,Iseemtoknowyourface.ICARUSAndIdittoyourditto.THEYOUNGFOPIseemtorecogniseyouandtoremembertheplacewemet,butall thisseems
extremelyextraordinaryandextraordinarilyunlikely.ICARUSYes,itwasindeedI,Monsieur,whomyouchallengedtoaduelattheCaféAnglais.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUAmechanic!frequentingtheCaféAnglais!ICARUSIwasn’tagreasemonkeyinthosedays.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUThisduelinabeyance…ICARUSOh,personally,youknow,Idon’treallysetsomuchstorebyit.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUWell,neitherdoI.I’minagreathurryand,ifImaysayso,Ihaveotherfish
tofry.What’smore,giventhesingularcircumstancesduringthecourseofwhichwemade,ifImaysoputit,eachother’sacquaintance,andwhichgivemetothinkthatwemusthavesomethingincommon,I’lltellyouasecret.
ICARUSIcanguessit.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUThenIwon’ttellyou.ICARUSThere’snoneed.Leaveyourmoneythereforthebossofthisgarageandtakeoneof these
twoautomobiles.You’llsoonbeoutofsight.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUYoungmechanic,you’reafriend.HeclimbsupintotheseatofthedeDion-Bouton.ICARUSBytheway,though–canyoudrive?CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUM.Jacquesarrangedformetotakelessons.He’llwishhehadn’t!DEDION-BOUTONVrrrt!Vroom!Vrrt!Vroom!CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUAdieu!Hedisappears.
LXIV
BALBINEThenit’ssettled,Father?IcanmarryM.Icarus?MONSIEURBERRRIERI’venothingagainstit,butatleastwaituntilyou’vemethim.BALBINEMymindismadeup.MONSIEURBERRRIERInanycase,inlessthanaminuteyou’llknowwhereyouare…Therehe
is.He’sbendingovertheengineofthePanhard-Levassor.BALBINEForthemoment,allIcanseeishisbehind.Ilikeit.MONSIEURBERRRIERBut…thedeDion-Bouton’sgone!Icarus!Where’sthedeDion-Bouton?ICARUSI’vesoldit,MonsieurBerrrier.MONSIEURBERRRIERMydeDion-Bouton!Ilovedit!ICARUSSodidI,butwasn’titforsale?MONSIEURBERRRIERAlas,yes.Soyou’vesoldit.Whoto?ICARUSIcan’trememberhisname.MONSIEURBERRRIERWhatáboutthedocuments?ICARUSWedidn’tbotherwithsuchdetails–buthere’sthemoney.MONSIEURBERRRIERIt’squitecorrect.Right.Andnow,Balbine,letmeintroducemyrighthand,
Icarus.ICARUSMademoiselle.BALBINEMonsieur.MONSIEURBERRRIER(toBalbine)ShallItellhimeverything?BALBINEOhyes,Father.MONSIEURBERRRIERYouhaven’tchangedyourmind?BALBINEOhno,Father.MONSIEUR BERRRIER Well, Icarus, in less time than you’d think possible, you’re going to
becomemyson-in-law.ICARUSWithMademoiselle?MONSIEURBERRRIERDon’ttellmethatthiscallsforreflection.Shehasanicelittlenest-egg,a
dowryinpneumatictyresandaccumulatorsand,apartfromallthat,she’saprettylittlecreature,isn’tshe?ICARUSThethingis,I’malreadyengaged.BALBINEOhGod!(shefaintsinherfather’sarms).ICARUSOnlyIdon’tparticularlywanttomarrymyfiancée,alas.BALBINE(comingoutofhercoma).Heavenbepraised!ICARUSButI’vegotwhattheycallamistress.MONSIEURBERRRIERAliaison.They’remadetobebroken.ICARUSAndthere’sasocietyladychasingme.BALBINEMonsieurisverymuchindemand.
ICARUSSoyousee,itreallydoescallforreflection.MonsieurBerrrier–couldn’twetalkaboutitsomeothertime?
BALBINEIfthat’sthewayitis,I’mofftovisittheEiffelTower.Shesignalstoherchaperon.MONSIEURBERRRIERTakeafly!Theygo.MONSIEURBERRRIERIcarus, Icarus, IbelievemyBalbine isveryangrywithyou.Youmustn’t
hurther.ICARUSWhatabouttheothers?MONSIEURBERRRIERMyfirstthoughtsareformydaughter–that’snatural,isn’tit?ICARUSWhilewe’rewaitingtosolvethisquestion,I’dliketoaskyou,M.Berrrier,whetheryou
mightnothaveanotherjobforanotherfriendofmine?MONSIEURBERRRIERAnotherCorentin?ICARUSAveryscholarlyman,aprofessorofsymbolistpoetry.Hecouldwriteyousomeleafletsin
heptasyllables.MONSIEURBERRRIERWhatanidea.ICARUSHe’dmakeagoodimpressioninthisdecor.Hehasacertainmajesty.MONSIEURBERRRIERYou’retryingtoturnmygarageintoawaxworks.ICARUSHecouldtalkelegantlytoyourupper-classcustomers.MONSIEURBERRRIERWhereishe?ICARUSIsenthimforawalkwithhisdaughter.MONSIEURBERRRIERAnddoIhavetotakeonthedaughter,aswell?ICARUSThedaughter,Adelaide,isnoneotherthanthefiancéeIwasjusttellingyouabout.MONSIEURBERRRIERButBalbine…ICARUSNotawordtoBalbine.I’llfindAdelaideajobsomewhereelse.MONSIEURBERRRIERIreallydon’tknowwhetherIoughttohopetohaveyouforason-in-lawor
not.ICARUSYoucan’tpossiblyknow.I’llbringyouMaîtretoutatatime…MONSIEURBERRRIERMaîtreTwo-at-a-time…?Isthathisname?ICARUSIdidn’tinventit.
LXV
ICARUS(singingsoftly).TheathletetakesprecautionsPerforminghiscontortionsForanygreatdistortions…
He interruptedhis efforts, as theonlyothermoreor less perfect rhyme that sprang immediately to hismindwasabortions,andhecouldn’tseehowhecouldinsinuatethiswordintohislittlesong,eventhoughM. Maîtretout had taught him that he could quite well use less perfect rhymes such as exertions, orallowableonessuchasdissipations,orevenassonancessuchaspatienceor,stillmoresurprisingly,endhis lines with words like halberd or misericord. He stopped short and started to examine hissurroundings,whereuponhesawsomekidsplayingwithakite.Thisobjecthadnotsofarplayedanypartinhisexperiences;hetookalivelyinterestinit.Itwasanextremelyordinarykitewithalongtailadornedwithpaperfrills,forwhichIcaruscouldnotseeanyexplanation.It,thekite,wasflyingquitehighinthesky,thechildholdingitonaleashwasrunninghitherandthither,andtheair-bornerhombwasfollowingtheerraticmovementsimposeduponitbythewindandthefantasyofitspuerileguide.Icarusadmiredthesimplicity of this ingenious machine, the elegance of the aerial movement and the ceruleanity of theatmosphere.Hestayedthereuntilthegamewasover.
Thenhewentbacktotown.
LXVIICARUSAdelaide,youmustunderstandthatyoursweetPapa,notwithstandinghiseminentqualities,
won’tearnagreatdealofmoneyinhisnewprofession.Andsoasnottobeaburdentohim,you’llhavetoearnyourliving.WhichisnotthefatethatM.Luberthadinmindforyouforhe,ifIrememberrightly,wasgoingtoprovideyouwithaleisurelyexistence,andthehopethatitwouldlastforalongtime.Butyoucanstillthinkbetterofyouractionsand,ifyoudon’tliketheideaofworking,gobacktoM.Lubert.
ADELAIDEIdon’twanttogobacktoM.Lubert.ICARUSInthatcase,we’llhavetofindyouaprofession.ADELAIDEIamverywilling,butprofessionhaveInone.Iamawellbrought-upyoungladywho
knowshowtoplaythepiano,paintinwatercolours,sewafineseam…ICARUSSew–that’sit.Comewithme,Adelaide,I’llfindworkforthosefairyfingersofyours.TheywalkafewstepsandcometoLN’sboutique.Theyenter.LNAh!gooddayMonsieurIcarus!thismustbetheyoungpersonofwhomyouspoke?ICARUS It is indeed,MademoiselleLN.She is calledAdelaide, sews a fine seamandhas fairy
fingers.LNPerfect!Marvellous!Ihavetheverythingforher.Doesthatsuityou,Mademoiselle–bloomers-
maker?ADELAIDE(blushing).Chesara,sara.Iwillbloomerise,Mademoiselle(shestartscrying.Icarus
proffersachair,onwhichshecollapses,sobbing).LN to ICARUS Quick, get going: Mme de Champvaux will be here any minute. She’s always
orderingbloomers.Icarusdisappears.ADELAIDE(throughhertears).Whereismyenchantedyouth?WherethehappyfateforwhichIwas
destined? Love caused me to flee the pages that had become nothing more for me than absence anddesolation,andIamnowreducedtoutilisingmyfairyfingersontasksofwhichIshallbeashamed,andwhichmaywellgivemenaughtythoughts.
LNTherearenofoolishtrades,andthere’snothingtobeashamedof.Inanycase,weonlyworkforladies.Wemakecycling,andfeminine,bloomers.
ADELAIDEIshallgetusedtoit.MADAMEDECHAMPVAUX(comingsailingin).Well,mynewbloomers?Aretheyready?These
cyclingbloomersaremarvels,eventhoughtheydon’tproducealltheexpectedresults.
LXVII
ICARUSDidyouadmirethebeautiesofthecapital,Mademoiselle?BALBINECallmeBalbine.ICARUSDidyouadmirethebeautiesofthecapital,Balbine?BALBINEYou’reacad,Icarus.ICARUSIseeyoudon’tappreciatethedelicacyofmysentiments.BALBINE(toherchaperon).Disappear,chaperon!(Thechaperondisappears).(toIcarus).You’reacadtorefusethefutureownershipofthisgarage,whichwillinevitablyexpand
withtheprogressofautomobilism.Bereasonable,Icarus:marryme.ICARUSYourarguments,Balbine,donotimpressme:Idon’tsospeciallybelieveintheprogressof
automobilism.BALBINEThatvergesontheparadoxical.ICARUSForme,thefutureisintheair.BALBINEAnotherparadox.ICARUSSincethesurfaceoftheearthislimited,saturationpointwillbereached,oneday.Takethe
streetsofParis,forexample:itisn’tpossibleformorethansomanycarriagestocirculateinthem.Afterwhich – that’s the end. There’s even a speed limit. Everything is limited. Whereas the air and theatmospherehavemuchmorespacetooffer.Beforeflyingvehiclescongesttheheavens…
BALBINEButtherearen’tanyflyingvehicles.Well–aballoonortwo…butthat’snothing…ICARUSTheresoonwillbe.BALBINEInthemeantime:marryme.ICARUSLet’snottalkaboutthegarage,then.BALBINEI’mverywillingtotalkaboutotherthings.ICARUSI’mlistening.BALBINEIcarus–doyouknowwhatI’dlike?I’dlikeustobetheheroandheroineofaromantic
novel.ICARUSOutofthequestion.BALBINE(allears).Haveyouhadanunhappyloveaffair?ICARUSThatisn’twhatImean.Onthecontrary–averyhappyone,butthat’snotallthereisto…BALBINETowhat?ADELAIDE(callingfromoutside).Icarus!ICARUSComing!BALBINEAndwhomightthatbe?ADELAIDE(cominginandpointingtoBalbine).Andwhomightthatbe?ICARUS(introducingthem).Adelaide…MademoiselleBerrrier…ADELAIDEShe’safteryou.
BALBINEWhatvulgarity!ADELAIDEIwasn’tspeakingtoyou.BALBINESoIshouldhope.ADELAIDEPretentiouscreature.Balbineslapsherface.Adelaidekicksherinthetibias.Balbineslapsherfaceagain.AdelaidegrabsacanofoilandpoursitscontentsoverBalbine’shead.MONSIEURBERRRIER(comingup).Wretch!Whatareyoudoingtomydaughter?tomybeloved
daughter?ADELAIDEWhatalaugh.Haha.MONSIEURBERRRIERMypoorchild. (toIcarus).Andyouallowthisperson tohaveherway?
AfterItookyouin,you,andnotonlyyou,butallthesebizarrecreatureswhohavecomeandagglomeratedthemselvesaroundyourperson!Out,everyone!Out,Icarus!andthat’smyfinalword.
LXVIII
MorcolgetsoffhisbikeandgoesintoLN’sshop.MORCOLMadame, I am preparing for a long journey which will lead me to the shores of the
Riviera,theretobreathethebalmyeffluvia,andtothisendIhaveacquiredabicycleandlearnttouseit.Icanridequitewell,now.SoallIneedisthecostumeadhoc,whichiswhyIhavecometothisshoptobuysomecyclingknickerbockersandsometightstockings,aswellasacapandotheringredients.
LNI’msorry,Monsieur,butweonlymakeclothesforladies.MORCOLHowextremely distressing.But now I come to think of it,Madame, haven’t Imet you
beforesomewhere?LNHell!MORCOLYouaretheyoungpersonwho…LNYoumustbemistaken.MORCOLNotthatitmatters,though,for…ICARUS(coming in), (hepaysnoattention toMorcol.ToLN). I’moutofwork!M.Berrrierhas
turnedusallout!Icarus,hesaid…LNWhateverareyousaying?…MORCOLYoutoo,Monsieur,Irecogniseyou…andIobservenowthatyouarepreciselyonemetre
76andthatyouarecalledIcarus.Asforme,IamMorcol,ex-privatedetective.Don’tworry,yourfatedoesn’tconcernmeanymore.I’monlythinkingaboutmyown,now.IamretiringfrombusinessandgoingbybiketotheshoresoftheRivieratobreathethebalmyeffluviaoftheorangeandlemontrees.Andso,Madame,youhaven’tanycyclingknickerbockersforgentlemen?
LNNo,Monsieur,I’msorry.MORCOLWell,adieuthen.MonsieurIcarus,Ishallatleasthavefoundyou!Whataconsolationfor
myamour-propre,andwhatasatisfactionformyoldage!
LXIX
ICARUSRight:soI’mridofpoorAdelaide:she’saccompanyingM.Maîtretoutintoexile,andhe’sfollowingCorentinDurendalenrouteforafatewhichhehopeswillbedifferent.Theyaredisappearingfrommyken.Asforme,keptbythecyclingbloomerstradeandLN’slove;Igobacktothefortificationseverydayandthereexamine,ratherthantheApachesandJezebelssleepingintheclose-croppedgrass,andthereexamine,Isay,alwayswiththesameinterest,thechildren’sgamethatconsistsinmakingpaperrhombs,knownaskites, sway in thebreeze.Now that I amexcluded from the cycling and automobileindustry,IdreamofadestinywhichIcanonlyvaguelyforeseeandofwhichM.Luberthas,nodoubt,nottheslightestinkling.M.Lubert,poorM.Lubert,nowhisdetectivehasabandonedhimhemustbeterriblyboredwithoutme andwith no hope of ever seeingme again.M. Lubert, poorM. Lubert, a generousgesturewouldbe…TheonlythingIdon’tlikeaboutkitesisthestringthatcurbsthem…M.Lubert,poorM.Lubert,agenerousgesturewouldbe…
LXX
EURTRUDEMonsieur,Icarusisatthedoor.Hewouldliketospeaktoyou.HUBERTIcarus.WhichIcarus?Ah!Icarus?Ishethere?Showhimin,then.Icarusappears.Hisattitudeismodest.HUBERTIcarus,mydear fellow!Sohereyouare!Howareyou?Sitdown!youmust tellmeall
aboutit.ICARUS(sittingdownontheedgeofachair).Yes,Monsieur.HUBERTI’mlistening,Icarus.Apartagas?Afingerofportwine?ICARUS(withagestureofrefusal).Nothankyou,Monsieur.HUBERTGoonthen,mydearfellow.I’mlistening.ICARUSMonsieurLubert,Ihaven’tcometotellyoumyadventures–youcanhearaboutthemlater,
ifyoulike–buttomakeyouaproposition.HUBERTIammoreandmoreattentive.ICARUSApropositionthathassomeconditionsattached.HUBERTConditions?Let’shearthem:thisseemscurious.ICARUSWellthen,ifyouarewillingtotakebackwithmeapersoninwhomIhavethemostlively
interest,Iamreadytoreturntoyourwork.Obviouslytheveryfactoftheexistenceofthispersonwouldconsiderablymodifytheplotofyournovel,foryouwouldnolongerdisposeofeitherM.MaîtretoutorMlle.Adelaide,whohavegonetheirway,andwhohavebeenfollowedbyCorentinDurendal,whohasnotthesameoriginaswe.
HUBERTIknow.He’soneofSurget’s.ICARUSYoumightperhapsbeabletodowithoutthem.HUBERTWell,mypoorIcarus,noneofthisinterestsmeintheslightest.Butofcourse!–Iwasn’t
goingtospendmywholelifegettingpeopletolookforyou,especiallyasthebestsleuthwhospecialisesinthatlinehasletmedownandisleavingtheprofession.
ICARUSIknow.Imethim.HUBERT (after amoment’s surprise, continues). Iwasn’t going to get personally involved in the
search,naturallyenough.AndIwasn’tgoingtotwiddlemythumbsandwaitpatientlytillyoucameback.No, I’ve started another bookwhich is going according tomywishes and, letme stress,with faithfulcharacters.Soyouwillunderstand,mypoorIcarus,thatIamnotinterestedinyourproposition.
ICARUS(standingup).Reallynot?HUBERTReallynot.I’msorry,butIhavenomoreuseforyourcharacter.ICARUSWhatIwassaying,MonsieurLubert,wasforyourbenefit.Becausepersonally,I’vefound
myvocation.HUBERT(holdingouthishand).Everything’sforthebest,then!Goodluck,Icarus.ICARUSThankyou,Monsieur.Falseexit.
ICARUSWouldn’tyoulikemetoleaveyoumyaddress?Justincase…HUBERTGiveittoEurtrude!GiveittoEurtrude!ExitIcarus.HUBERTEvenso,I’mtouchedbyhisvisit.Iwonderwhatonearthhisvocationcanbe,Iought to
haveaskedhim.Whatdoesitmatter,though.Heresumeshiswork.
LXXI
DOCTORHalloLN,Ihaven’tseenyouforages.LNYoucancallmeMademoiselleLNnow,Doctor,becauseI’mabloomer-maker.DOCTORThere’snosuchthingasafoolishtrade.LN I didn’t come to see you to talk about bloomers, nor to consult you onmy behalf. It’s about
Icarus.DOCTORAha!LNHewantedtogobacktoM.Lubert.HetoldmethatifM.Luberttookhimback,he’dtakemetoo.
ButIdon’twantto.ItwasagenerousgestureonIcarus’spart,butIdon’twanttobecomeacharacterinanovel.Myoriginisquitedifferent.
DOCTORAndwhatisit?LNCruciverbal.DOCTORCruciverbal?LNIt’s true,youcouldn’tunderstand.But I love Icarus,and this is the first time thatanything has
comebetweenus.DOCTORIfyouareofdifferentorigins,perhapsyourunionwouldbeill-matched?LNWeunderstandeachotherperfectly.Exceptforthisgenerousgesture.Couldn’tyoupersuadeM.
Luberttorefuse?–that’swhatI’vecometoaskyou.DOCTORLubertiswritinganothernovel.Hewillrefuse.LNItseemsthathewassoattachedtoIcarus.DOCTORAllthisisnoneofmybusiness.LNWon’tyoumakeagenerousgesture,too?DOCTOR I can’t interfere, but I canmake enquiries, and to that end I shall use thatmarvellous
invention,thetelephone.LNThetelephone!DOCTOR(pickingupthereceiver).Hallo,hallo:Mademoiselle,willyoupleaseconnectmewith
M.Lubert,wholivesat14ruedeLaRochefoucauld…I’llwaitaslongasisnecessary,Mademoiselle…hallohallo…hallohallo…hallohallo…ah,mydearLubert…youhaven’tbyanychancehadavisitfrom…
NASALVOICEFromIcarus?Howdidyouknow?DOCTOR…Er…justarumour…NASALVOICEWell,Icarushasgone.Idon’twantanymoretodowithhim.Aren’tIright?DOCTORIt’snotformetogiveyouadvice,buta littlebicarbonateofsodawouldn’tdoyouany
harm.Luberthangsup.Hecan’tbeverypleased.DOCTORItlooksasifyourvisitwasunnecessary.You’llgetyourIcarusback.LNOh,thankyou,Doctor.WhatdoIoweyou?
DOCTORI’llmakeyouapresentofthetelephonecall.It’llbeaweddingpresent.
LXXII
JEANIfoundthemallbackintheirplaces.Idon’tunderstand.AnyonemighthavethoughtI’dbeenseeingthings.
JACQUESI’vegivenChamissac-Piépluupaslost.Butnotthecolourmauve.MyChamissac-Piépluwasn’tmauveenough.Mynewcharactersaresomauvethatthey’dneverdarerunaway.
JEANHa,here’sSurget.Helooksradiant.SURGETAh,myfriends,whatastory!Doyouwantmetotellittoyou?it’llinterestyou.JEAN(toJean),andJACQUES(toJacques).Wecanguess.SURGETWell,justimagine,I’vefoundCorentinDurendal,mywanderingcivilservant.Herepented
of his ways. And better still: I’ve inherited two characters from a novel of Lubert’s whom he hadabandoned; a charming young lady, Mlle Adelaide, and her father, an eminent elderly professor, M.Maîtretout.IthinkI’llbeabletomakesomethingofthem.
JEANWhatwillLubertsay?SURGETNothingatall.Iaskedhim.It’sallthesametohim.Mygoodness–I’veadoptedthem.JACQUESSoyou’llbeabletomakeafreshstart,now?SURGETYes. I shall have to adapt the plot a little. Nothing serious. And then, I like this Mile
Adelaide,andI’mhopingtolearnsomethingfromM.Maîtretout.JEANWhatdoesheteach?SURGETIrregularrhetoric.
LXXIII
HUBERTIcarus’sreappearancebothersme.PerhapsIwaswrongtorefusehisconditions.WhatI’dliketodonowisgobacktothenovelIstartedwithhim,andfinishit.Andthen,hisvocationintriguesme.
MmeDECHAMPVAUXWellthen–accepthisconditions.HUBERTI’dalreadythoughtofthat.MmeDECHAMPVAUXThefactthatI’vethoughtofittoodoesn’tmakeitabadidea.HUBERTIthink,afterall,thatIwillacceptthem.MmeDECHAMPVAUXButhowareyougoingtofindhim,now?HUBERTIhavehisaddress!Eurtrude!hisaddress!EURTRUDEMonsieur?HUBERTIcarus’saddress!EURTRUDEJustamoment,Monsieur,andI’llfindit…5rueBelidor.MmeDECHAMPVAUXButthat’stheaddressofmybloomer-makers.HUBERTThat’shighlysuspicious.YouwantmetogetIcarusbackbecause…because…perhaps
you’realreadyhismistress?MmeDECHAMPVAUXIswearI’mnot!ItwasforyourowngoodthatIsaidyoushouldaccept…HUBERTMyowngood…hm…I’vegivenuptheideaoflookingforIcarus.MmeDECHAMPVAUXYourjealousyvergesonfolly.HUBERTJealousycannotbecontrolled.MmeDECHAMPVAUXIpromiseyou…HUBERTDon’tpromiseanything.MmeDECHAMPVAUXTo prove to you the nobility ofmy feelings, so long as youworkwith
Icarus,youshallseemenomore.MmedeChampvauxdisappearsabruptly.HUBERTNowIamfreefromotherpreoccupations,let’scometoadecision.(Hethinksfora long
time).Thisdecisionwasalreadyarrivedatatthebeginningofthischapter:let’slosenotimeinfindingIcarus!
Heisoutinthestreet.Anautomobiletaxipasses.HUBERTLetustakeadvantageoftheopportunityProgressoffersus!Driver!
LXXIV
HUBERT(toHubertinhistaxi).Here’snumberfiveintherueBelidor.Itisinfactacycling-bloomersshop.Shewasn’tlying.Let’s
goin.(hegoesin).MightIspeaktoM.Icarus,please?ASHOPGIRLM.IcarushasgoneoutwithMadame.HUBERTAndmightIknowwheretheyhavegone?It’sveryimportant.THESHOPGIRLThey’vegonetotheground.HUBERT(aghast.)Tofightaduel?THESHOPGIRLHeehee.No,tothegroundwheretheyflykites.HUBERTTheyflykites?Andwhereisthisground?THESHOPGIRLAlongtheSeine,nearthePuteauxbridge.HUBERTThankyouforthatpreciouspieceofinformation.Hethrowshimselfintohistaxiandshoutsouttheaddress.THETAXIDRIVERAh,Monsieurwantstoseethecantharodrome?HUBERTThecantharodrome?What’sthat?THETAXIDRIVERHasn’tMonsieurheard?It’sinallthepapers,sometimesonthesportspageand
sometimesonthesciencepage.HUBERTIsorarelyreadthem.Justanoccasionalglanceattheliterarypages.THETAXIDRIVERAhwell,personally…HUBERTCan’tyougoanyfaster?THETAXIDRIVERI’vegotmyfootrightdown.HUBERTAndwhatmightthatmean?THETAXIDRIVERThatIampressingdowntheacceleratorwithallmystrength.HUBERTAh…theaccelerator.Alittlefurtheron,outsidethecantharodrome.THETAXIDRIVERYou’rejustintime:he’stakingoff.Hubertleapsoutofthetaxi.Somethingismovingintheair.Downontheground,thespectatorsare
commentingontheevents.HUBERTWhoisit?Whatisit?Anyonemightthinkitwasaman…SPECTATORItis.HUBERTWhoisit?Whoisit?SPECTATORIcarus,ofcourse.Firstflightwithapassenger.ANOTHERSPECTATORAgirlcalledLN.ANOTHERSPECTATORIcarusisgainingheight.ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sovertheSeine,now.
ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sbeatingalltherecords.ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sclimbing!ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sclimbing!ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sclimbing!ANOTHERSPECTATORYoucanhardlyseehim.ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sdisappearingintotheclouds!ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sreappearing!ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sclimbingagain!ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sclimbingtoohigh!Something’sgoingtohappentohim.ANOTHERSPECTATORBut…but…he’scomingdownagain!ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’snotcomingdown:he’sfalling!ALLHe’sfalling!he’sfalling!he’sfallingtohisdeath!HUBERT(shuttinghismanuscriptonIcarus).Everythinghappenedaswasanticipatedmynovel is
finished.
BythesameauthorTheBlueFlowersExercisesinStyleTheSundayofLife
Copyright©1973byBarbaraWrightLibraryofCongressCatalogCardNumber
73-76900
All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in a newspaper, magazine, radio, television, orwebsite review, no part of this bookmay be reproduced in any form or by anymeans, electronic ormechanical, includingphotocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system,withoutpermissioninwritingfromthePublisher.
OriginallypublishedinFrenchasLevold’Icare©1968byEditionsGallimard.Thistranslation,underarrangementwiththem,wasfirstpublishedintheUnitedStateshardbound(ISBN:0-8112-0482-0)andasNewDirectionsPaperbook358(ISBN:0-8112-0483-9)in1973.
ISBN978-0-8112-2086-6(e-book)
NewDirectionsBooksarepublishedforJamesLaughlinbyNewDirectionsPublishingCorporation
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