the hm chuckler - volume 1, issue 1

The HM ChucklerVolume 1, Issue 1

2 The HM Chuckler

The HM ChucklerEmperors-in-Chief

“Val Bodurtha and Phoebe Gennardo”-Val Bodurtha

“Phoebe Gennardo and Val Bodurtha”-Phoebe Gennardo

“I clearly came up with most of the ideas!”-Val Bodurtha

“Well, then I’ll tell everyone about your Game of Thrones Memorabilia Lounge!”

-Phoebe Gennardo“Phoebe Gennardo and Val Bodurtha”

-Val Bodurtha

Jules AlvarezCatie CervonePhilip Deutsch

Yang FeiEthan Gelfer

Daliah GleicherAditya Ram

Morgan RaumRubin Soodak

Toby Teitel

ArtworkDanny Brereton (Cover)Jaime Gropper (Articles)

Faculty AdvisorDeborah Stanford

Contributing Writers

Managing EditorJaime Gropper

Head WriterVal Bodurtha

Layout/Art EditorAllison Chang

The HM Chuckler 3

Ingenuityby Val Bodurtha

Contents

Ideas for the iPhone 6by Philip Deutsch

Ladies and GentleMannby Yang Fei

The Official Blog of Iago

by Jules Alvarez

A Series of School Disciplinary Council Casesby Val Bodurtha

Self-Improvement Column

by Catie Cervone and Daliah GleicherTwo Concerned Studentsby Morgan Raum and Toby Teitel

The Ultimate College Process Guide

by Val Bodurtha

@HMPAI (Horace Mann Percentage Apocalypse Index)by Rubin Soodak

45

6

An Apology

by Ethan Gelfer and Aditya Ram

8

13

15

16

17

19

22

4 The HM Chuckler

Ingenuityby Val Bodurtha

A while back, during one of the SBP elections, a system was proposed called the “Sandwich Service System.” It was a plan for students who did not have a lunch period. You gave your sandwich order to the SBP, and they would have a student in their employ deliver said sandwich to you while you were in class. The employed students were sold as being discreet and quiet whilst in their sandwich deliveries, so as not to disturb the class. The SBPs promised to get kids working for this system by offering community service hours to those involved.

I, for one, was shocked when I heard this idea. Never in all of my time here have I heard such a revolutionary, ingenious plan! I applaud this system, and all who would have taken part in it. Unfortunately, the proposers themselves were not elected, and the system vanished into oblivion.

But not anymore! Horace Mann, I have pondered on this system and decided that it is a necessity. I also expanded on it and created some new, even more progressive plans that are also a necessity. Listen closely.

My first plan is this: Let’s say you didn’t sleep all night, and you are now exhausted. But it’s only B period! And you don’t have time to sneak off to the AV room for a quick nap. My groundbreaking Cymbal Service System will employ other students, working for community service hours, (It feels so good to give back) to follow you around, and whenever your eyelids droop in class, they crash the cymbals right next to your face. Better than a double espresso!

On another note, let’s say you are stuck in a class with a bunch of people you despise. You can employ the Slap Service System that will hire other students, again for community service hours, (Such a feeling of self-fulfillment!) to come into class whenever the rage starts a-building with a large garbage can lid and slam down that condescending jerk! Serves them right, being more attractive than you!

However, my favorite system, and the one I feel we need the most, is this: Let’s say you’re in poor spirits one day, and not even wearing your favorite onesie to class will cheer you up. Then you are in dire need of my Splendor Service System. This plan hires other students, once more with community service hours, (What poetry! The selfless helping the needy!) to dress you in robes of satin and silk, adorn you with flower wreaths and oils, carry you into class above their heads on a palanquin, where all shall bow and anoint you their ruler. And then you’ll get your sandwich.

The HM Chuckler 5

Ideas for the iPhone 6by Philip Deutsch

Apple has had so much success with the IPhone 5 that they’ve already released their plans for the IPhone 6. Here are the upgrades:

1. We got tired of the old rectangular shape, so we’ve made the iPhone 6 triangular. One corner for the earpiece, one for the microphone, and one for a cool pretend unicorn horn. We even have a brand new line of cases for it!

2. People are saying that the resolution of the phone isn’t up to par, so we’ve updated it to our new 3D Iris resolution. You can enjoy this new upgrade for a full twenty minutes before the battery dies.

3. We here at Apple understand about the slow download speed for apps, so the iPhone 6 comes with every single app in existence automatically downloaded. It even down-loads paid apps using your credit card number!

4. We switched to Sprint for better cell service.5. To improve the old cameras, we’ve attached two super HD7 megapixel cameras for the

front and back with unbreakable cables and attached tripods. It also comes with its own line of cases!

6. In order to ensure the privacy that people want on their phones, you can just flick our new Shatter Glass, and the screen will be broken beyond repair, and your files protect-ed.

7. We had to make the phone lighter, so we decided to take out the SD card. You might not be able to make calls anymore, but it weighs a whole 0.1 pounds less!

8. We’ve found that Facetime also has room for improvement, so we’ve upgraded to an easier form of communication: cup-on-a-string attachment.

(Cases sold separately.)

6 The HM Chuckler

Ladies and GentleMannby Yang Fei

Dear Horace Mann,The school has put me, Professor

Wimbleton, in charge of announcing the newly imposed dress code, and I am thrilled to finally implement an environment changing the way students appear in this od-forsaken generation. Time to turn in all of you hoodlums’ clogs, kilts, and leather chaps. Pronto.

To start off, dresses above the ankle? Rubbish, those certainly will not do. New regulations will only allow dresses to be two inches below the ground, at all times. In addition, socks must be worn up all the way to the knee and as tight and as argyle-y as possible. How repulsive and heinous otherwise. Furthermore, students shall wear cosmetic spectacles. You may not call them shades or even specs. You must pronounce each syllable with the emphasis and spittle it deserves. Henceforth, top hats must be donned by all gents and all building entrances will be increased by eight inches in height. We will be ignoring the color spectrum. In terms of colour, we’ll be implementing my new “Fifty Shades of Grey” policy, or as I refer to it, “Thrifty Shades of Yay!” (I haven’t actually dived into the novel, but my book club says that it is, and I quote, “okay.”) And always remember, your tie is your friend, and in my case, my only friend.

Now onto sports. The student body shall always look dashing while dashing. When I hear uniform, I think three-piece suit and that is exactly what shall be obligatory at every sporting event. The Lion himself will be having his suit especially tail-ored and with

something done to that god-awful mangy mane of his. It will be slicked back using my great-gran’mum’s hair concoction, made of pureed goosefat and steaming tar. (Caution, do not let it touch your skin.) In particular, water polo shall be given mallets, ponies, and pony-snorkel gear. Tennis shall be given extra sweaters, one around the waist and one draped around the neck. Ball bearers will carry extra sweaters in case perspiration, the heady mistress, pays you a visit. Cross-country runners will be given tea breaks in the middle of their races and provided with an ironing

The HM Chuckler 7

station at every half-mile. Football will be played in the ballroom. Also, we need a ballroom. Who needs a pigskin when you can have a minkskin? Soccer shall be played with dress shoes, and with new egg-shell and scarlet colored penalty cards. Players given penalties will be escorted off the field in a brisk, lively fox-trot.

Teachers are also not exempt from this new code. Be professional, professors, (chortle, chortle) and wear your new cloaks with pride. If Professor Snape wouldn’t approve of what you were wearing, do not even consider leaving your cottage. Bring in all the tweediest jackets you own (I imagine you all own at least a pastry chef’s dozen like I do) and elbow-pads will be sewn on free of charge.

This new dress code must be followed or punishments shall be issued to the severest degree. Any violators will be given a strict caning, and by that I mean they will be photographed posing awkwardly with canes. Boys, we will take off your pocket protectors so that an ink droplet will appear. Girls, we will force you to wear a hat. Indoors. Do not mess with us. Also, any student exemplifying the dress code to my own liking will be awarded the joy of an afternoon with me and my book club playing Victorian parlor games, like “Pin the Low Wages on the Chimney Sweep” and “Find the Naughty Frenchman.”

This new dress code shall be just as my childhood was like. It shall remain as long as my eighty-seven year old bones will allow it to. We will turn this into a society where gentlemen and gentlewomen can defeat enemies such as swag and YOLO. Hipsters, beware as the true old school is coming back. Wimbleton, out.

8 The HM Chuckler

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The official blog of iago

Posted 410 years ago

HAHAHA OH MY GOSH so let me tell you why i hate othelloso i’ve been his ancient for like eight years now and after his lieutenant steppeddown i’m thinking ‘yeah othello’s gonna pick his closest buddy to be hislieutenant makes sense yes’ so i’m all waiting for him to love me. and YESTERDAY we find out that not only am I not lieutenant, but MichaelCassio, this florentine swine (hahah good rhyme there iago) gets the role. look, imight not be as intelligent as he is but at least i’ve actually been on thebattlefield. UGHHH i want to scream. (Also my mom is refusing to get me concerttickets. which is lyk the worst thing ever)also i heard rumors he’s mtbwtb (makin the beast w two backs) with my wife???i need more intel on this.


so i was talking to roderigo today and ugh he’s so annoying all he does is whineabout desdemona and how she married othello like i’m sorry it’s not my job tokeep her away from the guy ( even though it sort of was?????)anyway i hate othellohe’s such a spongy, bat-fowling whey-face!ohhhh my gosh you would not believe what just happenedBAHAHA so i told brabantio that that othello and des were ‘making the beast withtwo backs’ (pat on the back for that, iago. you go) and brabantio became furiousoh my gosh i can’t even deal right nowbrb my mom is shutting off the internet


ok sorry i’ve been off for so longugh othello’s so nice to people and he’s so eloquent ugh and he thinks HE’S SOCOOOL because he has like 1000 more followers than me. i realized i need tostep it up with my scheming. I tried to update but I got interruptedbecause there’s no wifi in cyprus— the turks are gonna invade i dunno but wegot on our ships and just as i was about to write a post for you guys a storm hitand i was stuck without communications for weeks.wait…. hold on….Cassio just took Des to the side… to talki have such a despicable idea in mind that it just might work…..


I’m really craving waffles

iago. 34. dreamer. schemer. i am notwhat i am. i follow back!

HAHAHA OH MY GOSHso let me tell you why i hate othelloso i’ve been his ancient for like eight years now and after his lieutenant stepped down i’m thinking ‘yeah othello’s gonna pick his closest buddy to be his lieutenant makes sense yes’ so i’m all waiting for him to love me. and YESTERDAY we find out that not only am I not lieutenant, but Michael Cassio, this florentine swine (hahah good rhyme there iago) gets the role. look, i might not be as intelligent as he is but at least i’ve actually been on the battlefield. UGHHH i want to scream. (Also my mom is refusing to get me concert tickets. which is lyk the worst thing ever) also i heard rumors he’s mtbwtb (makin the beast w two backs) with my wife??? i need more intel on this.


so i was talking to roderigo today and ugh he’s so annoying all he does is whine about desdemona and how she married othello like i’m sorry it’s not my job to keep her away from the guy ( even though it sort of was?????) anyway i hate othello he’s such a spongy, bat-fowling whey-face!ohhhh my gosh you would not believe what just happened BAHAHA so i told brabantio that that othello and des were ‘making the beast with two backs’ (pat on the back for that, iago. you go) and brabantio became furious oh my gosh i can’t even deal right now brb my mom is shutting off the internet


ok sorry i’ve been off for so long ugh othello’s so nice to people and he’s so eloquent ugh and he thinks HE’S SO COOOL because he has like 1000 more followers than me. i realized i need to step it up with my scheming. I tried to update but I got interrupted because there’s no wifi in cyprus— the turks are gonna invade i dunno but we got on our ships and just as i was about to write a post for you guys a storm hit and i was stuck without communications for weeks. wait.... hold on.... Cassio just took Des to the side... to talk i have such a despicable idea in mind that it just might work.....


by Jules Alvarez

iago. 34. dreamer. schemer. i am not what i am.i follow back!

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HAHAHA OH MY GOSH so let me tell you why i hate othelloso i’ve been his ancient for like eight years now and after his lieutenant steppeddown i’m thinking ‘yeah othello’s gonna pick his closest buddy to be hislieutenant makes sense yes’ so i’m all waiting for him to love me. and YESTERDAY we find out that not only am I not lieutenant, but MichaelCassio, this florentine swine (hahah good rhyme there iago) gets the role. look, imight not be as intelligent as he is but at least i’ve actually been on thebattlefield. UGHHH i want to scream. (Also my mom is refusing to get me concerttickets. which is lyk the worst thing ever)also i heard rumors he’s mtbwtb (makin the beast w two backs) with my wife???i need more intel on this.


so i was talking to roderigo today and ugh he’s so annoying all he does is whineabout desdemona and how she married othello like i’m sorry it’s not my job tokeep her away from the guy ( even though it sort of was?????)anyway i hate othellohe’s such a spongy, bat-fowling whey-face!ohhhh my gosh you would not believe what just happenedBAHAHA so i told brabantio that that othello and des were ‘making the beast withtwo backs’ (pat on the back for that, iago. you go) and brabantio became furiousoh my gosh i can’t even deal right nowbrb my mom is shutting off the internet


ok sorry i’ve been off for so longugh othello’s so nice to people and he’s so eloquent ugh and he thinks HE’S SOCOOOL because he has like 1000 more followers than me. i realized i need tostep it up with my scheming. I tried to update but I got interruptedbecause there’s no wifi in cyprus— the turks are gonna invade i dunno but wegot on our ships and just as i was about to write a post for you guys a storm hitand i was stuck without communications for weeks.wait…. hold on….Cassio just took Des to the side… to talki have such a despicable idea in mind that it just might work…..



iago. 34. dreamer. schemer. i am notwhat i am. i follow back!

The HM Chuckler 9



ok so here’s my game plan

so “because othello is mtbwtb with my wife” i’ll trick him into thinking that Cassio and Des are mtbwtb and drive him crazy because wow i am such a good friend


i’m talking to cassio about bianca othellos abt 2 walk in OMG HE BUYS IT

alsoo guyss check out my lute band, “The Slippery and Subtle Knaves” our first album, “green-ey’d monster,” is dropping next month. #shamelessselfpromotion


emilia stole the handkerchief for me

im trying 2 orchestrate this stupid plan on a steady diet of mobile blog-ging and unsalted bread but my energy is diminishing!!!! roderigo help!!!! DANG IT LISTEN TO ME RODERIGO PUT MONEY IN YOUR DANG PURSE HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?!!!



so “because othello is mtbwtb with my wife” i’ll trick him into thinking that Cassioand Des are mtbwtb and drive him crazy because wow i am such a good friend


i’m talking to cassio about bianca othellos abt 2 walk inOMG HE BUYS IT

alsoo guyss check out my lute band, “The Slippery and Subtle Knaves”our first album, “green-ey’d monster,” is dropping next month. #shamelessselfpromotion



im trying 2 orchestrate this stupid plan on a steady diet of mobile blogging andunsalted bread but my energy is diminishing!!!! roderigo help!!!!DANG IT LISTEN TO ME RODERIGO PUT MONEY IN YOUR DANG PURSEHOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?!!!

10 The HM Chuckler


some1 snapped this pic of me while i was plotting my master plan… i swear i’mnot a model but…….

Tagged: well kinda.


omg, othello literally flipped a piANO he’s so maAaAaAD hehehehehehehe thehandkerchief and that casual convo between me n cassio rly worked out in myfavor didn’t it!!!also roderigo’s herehe got me toaster waffles which would be useful if toasTERSACTUALLY EXISTED

Tagged: you had one job roderigo, one job.


duuuuuuuuuude i think shes dead ppl are freakkign out!!!!

Tagged: Liveblogging.


some1 snapped this pic of me while i was plotting my master plan... i swear i’m not a model but.......

Posted 410 years agoTagged: well kinda.



so “because othello is mtbwtb with my wife” i’ll trick him into thinking that Cassioand Des are mtbwtb and drive him crazy because wow i am such a good friend


i’m talking to cassio about bianca othellos abt 2 walk inOMG HE BUYS IT

alsoo guyss check out my lute band, “The Slippery and Subtle Knaves”our first album, “green-ey’d monster,” is dropping next month. #shamelessselfpromotion



im trying 2 orchestrate this stupid plan on a steady diet of mobile blogging andunsalted bread but my energy is diminishing!!!! roderigo help!!!!DANG IT LISTEN TO ME RODERIGO PUT MONEY IN YOUR DANG PURSEHOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?!!!

The HM Chuckler 11

omg, othello literally flipped a piANO he’s so maAaAaAD hehehehehehehe the handkerchief and that casual convo between me n cassio rly worked out in my favor didn’t it!!! also roderigo’s here he got me toaster waffles which would be useful if toasTERS ACTUALLY EXISTED

Posted 410 years agoTagged: you had one job roderigo, one job.

duuuuuuuuuude i think shes dead ppl are freakkign out!!!!

Posted 410 years agoTagged: Liveblogging.

p. sure othello’s gonna kill desdemona......... i think he’s bluffing like really if he actually wanted to kill her he wouldnt be so weepy about it let’s be real tho whatever i’m just gonna liveblog this thank god for my mobile note-keeper, barney.

Posted 410 years agoTagged: i wish i were literate.

Emilia. wat are u doing.Emilia. STAHP

Posted 410 years agoTagged: WOMEN, STUPID.

whoops stabbed Emilia



p. sure othello’s gonna kill desdemona………i think he’s bluffing like really if he actually wanted to kill her he wouldnt be soweepy about it let’s be real thowhateveri’m just gonna liveblog thisthank god for my mobile note-keeper, barney.

Tagged: i wish i were literate.


Emilia. wat are u doing.Emilia. STAHP

Tagged: WOMEN, STUPID.


Whoops stabbed emilia

So othello FREAKED and was allWhip me, ye devils,From the possession of this heavenly sight!Blow me about in winds! roast me in sulphur!Wash me in steep-down gulfs of liquid fire!OOooOO WOW OTHELLO, YOU’RE SO DEEEEp

12 The HM Chuckler

So othello FREAKED and was allWhip me, ye devils, From the possession of this heavenly sight! Blow me about in winds! roast me in sulphur! Wash me in steep-down gulfs of liquid fire! OOooOO WOW OTHELLO, YOU’RE SO DEEEEp


jeez othello you baby there’s no need to be talkin like that dude it was a joke calm yourself dude dude .......dude? what a drama queen


next page →



jeez othello you baby there’s no need to be talkin like thatdude it was a joke calm yourselfdudedude…….dude?what a drama queen

next page →



jeez othello you baby there’s no need to be talkin like thatdude it was a joke calm yourselfdudedude…….dude?what a drama queen

The HM Chuckler 13

A Series of School Disciplinary Council Cases

by Val Bodurtha, who is not at all still upset about being rejected from the Student Ambassador Program

(Recorded from the Disciplinary Council Case #27)

Disciplinary council: Will the accused please rise? You have been charged with the following crimes: Posing as a school student ambassador, telling a visiting family that you were “Gregory Brown,” their assigned tour guide, hijacking the family from their original tour…

stuDent: I object!

council: On what grounds?

Student: I prefer the word, “commandeering.”

council: Commandeering a family from their original tour, leading them in circles around the boiler room, telling them that this school was “a government conspiracy designed to how see far they can push kids without their brains melting, man,” going into a ten-minute story about how you, “knew a kid whose brains melted out his ears, broseph. It was gnarly,”

stuDent: It was gnarly!

council: Passing the family notes that said, “We’re being watched. Run,” giving them complimentary Fieldston t-shirts, telling the family how this school is, “lame because they’re so exclusive about who they let into the student ambassador program,” walking the family off school grounds, making them buy you a slice of pizza…

stuDent: (chuckles)

council: Is something funny?

stuDent: Nope.

council: We hope you realize the severity of your actions. Though you were rejected from the student ambassador program twice, you still committed these offences. You are never to set foot in the admissions office again and never apply to be an ambassador again.

Family: (to student) Are…are we supposed to be here?

stuDent: Yeah. It’s cool. (chewing on pizza).

14 The HM Chuckler

(Recorded from Disciplinary Council Case #36)

council: Will the accused please rise? You have been charged with the following crimes: Not attending your eleven o’clock period history class, trespassing in a 7th grade Spanish class, telling the students that you were their substitute teacher, “Professor Monkey.”

stuDent: (laughs) Professor Monkey!

council: Sending two students out of the classroom to “get me some Chinese food,” scaring a 7th grade girl into thinking that she had failed the class by not knowing what “antidisestablishmentarianism” meant, stealing several students’ wallets, making the students watch you do what you interpreted to be good miming,

stuDent: Hey! I went to mime camp! I was sharing my talents!

council: Assigning the students a ten-page paper on the dangers of breathing, making one student wear a dunce cap, asking another to prom, assigning another paper, this one to be written using $20 bills as paper due in ten minutes, attempting to teach Russian, attempting to hide under a student when the real teacher showed up, challenging the real teacher to a duel, and fleeing the scene of the crime. How do you plead?

stuDent: (mimes “guilty”)

council: What are you doing?

stuDent: Fine, fine! I’m guilty, you philistines!

council: As punishment, we, the council, sentence you to twenty hours community service, to be done in the form of substitute teaching a fifth-grade class. You start tomorrow, Professor Monkey.

The HM Chuckler 15

Self-Improvement Columnby Catie Cervone and Daliah Gleicher

The Advice Girls here, your one and only source into the fabulous advice of New York’s elite

How do I get teachers to like me?We recommend waking up relatively early to wash the dirt off your body, brush your teeth, comb your hair, pluck your unibrow, wax your mustache, you know, the usual. Oh, and also, try to do your homework.

How do I get boys to like me?If you’re reading this, we have a lot more to say than in the previous question. I mean, who needs an education? Boys are clearly more important (at least from a teenage girl’s perspective). It’s highly likely that everything you know about boys is incorrect. Don’t worry though, we’ll help you! Let’s just clarify a few things. If a boy asks you to carry his heavy bag for him, it doesn’t mean he’s tired, it means he’s in love with you, or he has a thing for girls with back problems. If he asks you to throw out his trash at lunch, it doesn’t mean he’s lazy, it just shows that he’d rather sneak a peek at the back of your head… because it’s ridiculous. If he asks you to prom, steer clear of this guy. He’s obviously not into you and probably just scared to ride in a limo by himself. If he tells you he respects you, he’s clearly disrespectful and definitely not relationship material.

How do I get girls to like me?Well boys, girls have cooties, so our first piece of advice is to be careful. If you happen to walk past each other in the hallway and she is speaking to her friend in an obviously loud voice about her attraction to you, don’t get cocky, she’s probably just trying to make someone else jealous. If you’re at a party and you find that she keeps dancing around you, walk away because she’s probably a stalker and knows where you live. The most important piece of advice we can give you to get a girl to like you, is that you cannot be Team Jacob or Team Edward. Bipartisanship is key.

How can I be popular?Popularity can be very hard to achieve because everyone wants to be popular. So how do you make yourself stand out? One option is to be amazing, like we are. The most important thing is to act like you don’t care what people think because more often than not, they’re just jealous!

How do I make people think I’m smart?Just wear glasses…...And talk about politics all the time, even if you do get all of your political information from SNL.

XOXO, The Advice Girls

16 The HM Chuckler

Two Concerned Studentsby Morgan Raum and Toby Teitel

Dear Administration,We’d like to address what is clearly the most important issue at Horace Mann, the lack of school spirit. So we spent a couple days devising and noting 15 brilliant solutions to generate the amount of spirit our school needs to maintain:

15. To honor our lions, on Thursdays, the cafeteria will serve gazelle meat. 14. You must attend every sports game. You must cheer.13. Homework must be handed in on maroon paper with white ink or vice versa. 12. Mandatory 4-hour pep rallies every day after school. 11. You must own at least one lion costume that you casually relax in at home. 10. A Horace Mann synchronized swimming show comes out every year to celebrate our

school’s existence. 9. Dye the pool maroon. 8. Free official Horace Mann Mannkinis. 7. Food in cafeteria must be maroon and white.6. If you lose a game, it’s detention.5. At the beginning of every class we must perform the alma mater in the form of an in-

terpretive dance. 4. Every morning students must apply the official HM fake tattoo to their faces. 3. Due to the clear interest in the activity, a cheerleading squad will be formed. 2. “On Wednesdays we wear maroon and white.” 1. Two words: Real. Lion.

We know it’s not much but we really think the ideas are definitely feasible. Thank you for your time.

Much love,Morgan and Toby

The HM Chuckler 17

The Ultimate College Process Guide

by Val BodurthaHello, lucky readers! Applying to college is not an easy experience, but have no fear!

I have assembled all of my greatest secrets on how to get into the college of your choice. Listen up!

Tips for the College Interview:*1. I have found, through personal experience, that people like a person that carries at least

four pocket-watches on them at all times. 2. Do a Borat impression for the entire interview. Not only will this show off your wacky

side, but it will also show your commitment skills, even if the interviewer practically begs you to stop.

3. Impress them by constantly bringing up “that time you invented the teleport.”4. Honesty is the best policy, so show the interviewer how honestly amazing you are by

hiring actors to come up to you and ask you for your autograph every five minutes. 5. Express your generosity by offering the interviewer one for a half-off price.6. I have found that colleges like people with class. Show them what a sophisticated chap

you are by saying things like, “I’d love to attend your college because of its extensive history. If I went to a college that was younger than my Scotch, I’d be the laughingstock of my yacht club.”

7. Being fashionably late is cliché. Show up late in last fall’s sweater collection. 8. The important thing here is to show them how unique you are. If that requires looking

them deep in the eye and saying, “I think your college should accept me because other-wise the space worms will tell me to burn something,” then you go right ahead!

9. Learn the name of the college, and make as many puns involving said name as human-ly possible. For example, say things like, “If I get into Harvard, I’ll go very farvard! Also I’ll donate lots of money.”

10. Bringing instruments and/or juggling equipment is accepted, praised even!11. Lie.12. Blow them away with your extensive knowledge of 90’s TV shows and how many ten-

nis balls you can fit in your mouth.13. “Accidentally” leaving a twenty never hurt anyone.14. Above all, everything is more impressive when it’s on fire, (resumes included!).

*(These tips also work with blind dates!)

18 The HM Chuckler

Tips for the College Essay: 1. Be as upfront as possible. Address all of your flaws, and if you don’t have space for

your redeeming qualities, that’s okay. 2. Leave lots of room for hypothetical situations like, “If I had to choose between peanut

butter and Nutella,” and, “Would I ever resort to cannibalism, even in non-life-threat-ening situations?”

3. Add as much WordArt as possible. 4. To further express the points you make

in writing, add photos. For example, if you are writing about early 20th century U.S. Isolationist policy, supply a picture of you photoshopped riding a Herbert Hoover-dragon hybrid.

5. Lie.6. Colleges like originality, so in sending

the finished product, don’t use email or dropboxes. Be creative, and use a mes-senger weasel.

7. The important thing is to show your passion for the things you enjoy. For example, go into detail about how avid you can be about, I don’t know, say throwing water balloons full of paint at cheerleaders or holding people hos-tage. As long as you care about it.

8. Express your passion by using capital letters, liiiIIIIiiikeee thhhhhHHIIII-ISSSSSS.

9. Claim to speak more languages than you do. I have found that speaking in heavily-accented English is regarded as equal to or better than speaking other languages.

10. Most admission officers don’t actually check references. So go ahead! Prattle away about that book Upton Sinclair wrote about your various philanthropic deeds.

11. It is important to keep the reader’s eyes glued to the page, so lure him/her on to the next page with promises of buried treasure.

Well, readers, that appears to be everything. The most important thing here by far, however, is to be yourself, unless of course you can convincingly impersonate another, better person.

Just photoshop yourself on his majestic wings and you’re good to go!

The HM Chuckler 19

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20 The HM Chuckler

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22 The HM Chuckler

An Apologyby Ethan Gelfer and Aditya Ram

Dear Administration,

The M’roon Monsoon is very sorry about the recent team spirit fiascos. We had thought that team spirit was a good idea, and we are sorry for the way everything turned out. We would like to apologize for everything that went wrong. Some of them you don’t know about, so we planned a full confession letter. This includes all the things that have gone wrong this year. Please note that many of these things were done without the approval of the Monsoon.

Firstly, we would like to apologize for the English Class Debacle. It is our understanding that students from the Volleyball Team brought in a live lion to their English class. And though no one was hurt, we would like you to know that we have already disciplined the team with the harshest of punishments: a stern high-five.

On the same note, we would like to apologize for the large parade float that was brought in by students from the Football Team and driven throughout the school, wreaking particularly heavy destruction on Tillinghast. The Monsoon has begun fundraising to repair the first floor. This includes rooms 135, 150, 152, and 149, as well as the ceiling and floors. We would like to congratulate the school on their new addition to the rule book, quoted from the newly revised Family Handbook: “Students may no longer drive vehicular devices into the school if they are greater than 150 meters long.” We believe that this rule is absolutely necessary, and we will stick to smaller SUV’s in the future.

We would also like to apologize for the flock of flamingos that were attached to it. Note that no student actually released them, but that the knots were simply badly tied. We are proud to report that we have caught all but one of them. Pinky is the one that is currently residing on the roof of Fisher Hall. Be cautious, as he becomes violent when exposed to late 19th century French poetry.

We would like to apologize and take full responsibility for the Water Polo team.

The HM Chuckler 23

The abhorrent actions of the upperclassmen in the cafeteria must also be addressed. The cafeteria is a complete mess - just look at all the misplaced trays! What is happening to our school! We do assume responsibility for this action, and uphold the administration’s punishment of three weeks of mandatory kindness training, followed by three double Fs on cafeteria cleanliness and two months of tray-stacking duty.

Another incident in the cafeteria must also be discussed. The Monsoon apologizes for the catastrophic food fight that caused over seventy kids to leave the school. We understand the school’s punishment of one period of study hall, and will follow it dutifully.

Our entire organization will also take the blame for Normalitygate, in which students from the Golf Team decided that it would be funny to dress in their normal clothes for team spirit. In this case, we would like to politely disagree with the administration on their discipline of those involved. By a general consensus, we agree that immediate expulsion was too soft on these mischievous young men and women.

Finally, we will not assume responsibility whoever it was that thought it would be funny to wear crocs with socks for team spirit. This action was completely unauthorized and we decline the blame for this, as we are aware that the Federal Bureau of Investigation has already visited him. He is well on his way to prison for this heinous act. The Monsoon declines any association with the terrorist organisation Crocs ‘n Rocks.

For all these charges, the M’roon Monsoon would like to apologize and assume full responsibility (except for the Crocs tragedy). We will make sure that teams do not go over the top during team spirit (recall, Normalitygate) but we will make sure that our team stays as supportive of their teams as possible, such as in the exemplary case of the Swim Team, who brought in live sharks, put them in the lanes of their opponents, and lazily swam their races while the sharks made short work of the other participating team. We hope that you will accept our sincerest apologies.

Sincerely and regretfully,

The M’roon Monsoon

The HM ChucklerVolume 1, Issue 1

the hm chuckler - volume 1, issue 1

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