the importance and skill of good communication

The Importance and Skill of Good Communication

"When people talk, listen completely, most people never listen."-

- Ernest Hemingway

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Hallie Moyse, HMM Consulting

Topics

The Definition of Communication

Goal of Communication

Various Forms of Communication

How Individuals Process Information

Importance of Personal Space

An interactive Model of Communication

Interaction of Verbal & Non-Verbal Communication

Common Barriers to Effective Communication

10 Most Difficult Behaviors & How to Deal with Them

Improving our Communication Skills

Open Discussion

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What is Communication?

Comes from the Latin word “communes” which means “something common”

An act or instance of transmitting

Information transmitted or conveyed

A verbal or written message

A process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior

Personal rapport between two individuals, groups, etc.

A technique for expressing ideas effectively (as in speech)

A system (as of telephones) for transmitting or exchanging information

As per Miriam Webster Dictionary

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Goal of Communication

“Shared meaning” is ultimately the objective of effective communication

= when the “picture in my head is the same as the picture in your head”—and when we each know how the other feels about that picture. Communication is more than talking and listening; it involves understanding and interpreting.

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Non-Verbal Cues Verbal / Written Cues

Spoken words – including one’s speaking style, as well as prosodic features such as tone, rhythm, intonation and stress.

Words we read and write – the intent in which they are put together

Para-verbal features such as tone, pace and volume of our voice and our words

Different Forms of Communication

• Gestures (non-vocal body movements)

• Touch (Haptic Communication) and body language

• Posture, facial expressions and eye contact

• Speech contains nonverbal elements known as paralanguage, including quality and emotion

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Often provide cues as to the attitude or state of mind of a person. For example, it

may indicate aggression, attentiveness, boredom, understanding, disrespect,

agreement, etc.

Communication Forms 6


Non-Verbal Communication

• Ways of speaking (pauses, stresses on

words, etc.) • Posture • Appearance • Head movements • Hand movements • Eye movements • Facial expression • Body contact (hand shaking, shoulder touching, etc.) • Closeness (personal space) • Sounds (laughing, snorting, etc.)

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We send and interpret such signals subconsciously.

How We Process Information

Visual Auditory Kinesthetic

Remember what they see rather than what they hear

Easily follow verbal instructions

Remember best what they did

Remember diagrams and pictures

Like to hear someone explain like explaining to someone else

Memorize by walking and seeing

Prefer to read and write rather than listen

Like debating and discussing with others

Prefer to learn by doing something physical

Have trouble remembering verbal instructions

Tend to talk to themselves while working

Often take notes, draw or doodle whilst listening


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Personal Space

Proxemics

Study of how people use and perceive the physical space around them - space between sender and receiver of a message influences how message is interpreted.

Space in non-verbal communication may be divided into four main categories: intimate, social, personal, and public space.


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An Interactive Model of Communication

Means: The form of communication—verbal (words) or nonverbal (body language,

gestures, tone of voice). Wellsprings: The tendencies that guide us as we create

meaning in the messages we send. Our wellsprings lead us to encode our messages in

certain ways as we speak or write. Filters: The tendencies that guide us as we assign

meaning to the messages we receive. Our filters lead us to decode messages in certain ways

as we observe, listen, or read. Values: The deeply held beliefs we have about the way

things should be, about what is right and what is wrong. Experiences: Our past, which

comes to us through our family, gender, ethnic background, work, travel, and education.

Personality: Our psychological makeup, especially as it relates to creating meaning.

Roles: The social “hats” that we wear in different circumstances. People may hear

messages differently depending on whether they are listening in their role as a parent, as an employee / employer, colleague, etc.

10 Hallie Moyse, HMM Consulting

Interaction of Verbal and Nonverbal Communication

When communicating, nonverbal messages can interact with verbal messages in six ways: 1) repeating, 2) conflicting, 3) complementing, 4) substituting, 5) regulating and 6) accenting/moderating.

Repeating: consists of using gestures to strengthen a verbal message, such as pointing to the object of discussion.

Conflicting: Verbal and nonverbal messages within the same interaction can sometimes send opposing or conflicting messages. A person verbally expressing a statement of truth while simultaneously fidgeting or avoiding eye contact may

convey a mixed message to the receiver in the interaction.

Complementing: Nonverbal cues can be used to elaborate on verbal messages to reinforce the information sent when trying to achieve communicative goals; messages have been shown to be remembered better when nonverbal signals affirm the verbal exchange.

(cont’d on next slide)


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Interaction of Verbal and Nonverbal Communication (2)

Substituting: Nonverbal behavior is sometimes used as the sole channel for communication of a message. People learn to identify facial expressions, body movements, and body positioning as corresponding with specific feelings and intentions.

Regulating: Nonverbal behavior also regulates our conversations. For example, touching someone's arm can signal that you want to talk next or interrupt.

Accenting/Moderating: The use of non-verbal signals used to alter interpretation of verbal messages. Touch, voice pitch, and gestures used to accent or amplify, or tone down, the message that is sent.


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Personal Space in NV Communication

Intimate distance for embracing, touching or whispering

o Close phase – less than 6 inches (15 cm)

o Far phase – 6 to 18 inches (15 to 46 cm)

Personal distance for interactions among good friends or family members

o Close phase – 1.5 to 2.5 feet (46 to 76 cm)

o Far phase – 2.5 to 4 feet (76 to 120 cm)

Social distance for interactions among acquaintances

o Close phase – 4 to 7 feet (1.2 to 2.1 m)

o Far phase – 7 to 12 feet (2.1 to 3.7 m)

Public distance used for public speaking

o Close phase – 12 to 25 feet (3.7 to 7.6 m)

o Far phase – 25 feet (7.6 m) or more


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Common Barriers to Effective Communication

We assume that sending messages means that the message will be accurately shared. Many times we think we’ve created shared meaning by sending someone a written message, leaving a voice message, or speaking directly to them. Later on it becomes obvious that there was little or no shared meaning. In response, we say: “But I sent you a memo.” “Didn’t you get my voice message?” Effective communicators do not automatically assume that shared meaning exists. They check with the other person to see what meaning the message has for them.

We forget that meanings are held in people, not in words. It is important to remember, especially when conveying “an important message” that words can mean different things to different people.

Communication is not about the speaker’s intended message—it is about what the listener perceives. It is not what the speaker says that gives meaning to the speaker’s words; it’s what the listener hears.

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10 Most Difficult Behaviors & How to Deal with Them

Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner identify 10 specific behavior patterns that people resort to when they feel threatened, don’t get what they want, or face undesirable circumstances along with prescriptive guidance on how to deal with them. These behaviors inevitably cause dissension and are often the root for miscommunication:

1. The Tank: confrontational, pointed and angry, the ultimate in pushy and aggressive behavior:

Stay assertive. Try to communicate without getting emotional and don’t take it personally. Otherwise, assertive can turn to defensive or offensive;

Don’t get emotional. In the midst of attacks, it can be tough to stay calm, cool, and collected;

Know the key attacks. Being able to state your bottom line, crisply and concisely helps. If it’s a recurring pattern of attacks, involve them in the solution;

Maintain your respect. This starts with expecting respect. If you don’t respect yourself, don’t expect others to;

Peace with honor. Redirect to a peaceful solution by offering the “Tank” the last word, only you decide where and when;


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10 Most Difficult Behaviors & How to Deal with Them (2)

2. The Sniper: an expert using rude comments, sarcasm, etc. Goal is to humiliate:

Expose the sniper. Getting them out in the open and putting them on the spot can potentially be enough to stop their behavior;

Clarify the basis for the shots. It’s possible the criticism is fair, but the behavior is inappropriate. Distinguish between the content and the approach;

Questions are better than a defense. Questions can help you find the underlying reasons for the behavior, without becoming defensive.

3. The Know-it-all: has a low tolerance for correction and contradiction. If something goes wrong, however, the Know-It-All will speak with authority and blame someone else:

Don’t make it personal. Keep it objective;

Decide if it’s worth it. Don’t just think short-term though; consider the long term relationship;

Use your Know-It-All as a mentor. It forces you to find something about the Know-It-All that you can respect. It builds common ground and helps you improve your skills.

4. The Think-They-Know-It-All: They know how to learn just enough about a subject to sound like they know what they are talking about. They are addicted to exaggeration as an attention-getting technique:


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Give the person a little attention. Use two ways: 1) backtrack their comments with enthusiasm 2) Acknowledge positive intent rather than wasting your time with their content;

Clarify for specifics. Ask them for some revealing clarification questions for specifics;

Tell it like it is. Redirect the conversation back to reality;

Give the person a break. Resist the temptation to embarrass them. Make them an ally by giving them a way out and again minimizing the chance of putting them on the defensive;

Break the cycle. Recognize the negative cycle and work with the person to break the cycle. Break the cycle by doing two things: 1) use gentle confrontation to tell them the truth about the consequences of their negative behavior 2) Actively look for and notice what this problem person is doing right, and give them credit where credit is due.

5. The Grenade: After a brief period of calm, they explode into unfocused ranting and raving about things that have nothing to do with the current issues at hand:

Stay objective. Don’t get wrapped in the emotions;

Find a way to agree with your critic. This takes the wind out of their sails and it helps you establish rapport. It also helps you avoid getting defensive or overly emotional; Find the root cause. Questions are a good way to find what’s behind the attacks. Don’t take things at face value and never make assumptions!


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6. The Yes Person: In an effort to please people and avoid confrontation, Yes People say “yes” without thinking things through. They react to the latest demands on their time by forgetting prior commitments, and over commit until they have no time for themselves. Then they become resentful:

Be careful of your own wishful thinking. Remember that a “Yes” doesn’t mean it will get done. Follow up and avoid surprises. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst;

Remember that they mean well. The “yes” is an aim to please;

Think of yourself as a mentor. Share what you’ve learned that works.

7. The Maybe Person: procrastinates in the hope that a better choice will present itself:

Let them know the impact of their indecision. Help them understand the impact of their actions (or inactions);

Focus on “good enough” over perfection. Help them understand that time is a factor and that perfection is an unrealistic goal as it does not exist;

Make the criteria and values explicit. Make certain by asking questions that your goals are the same. You can’t reliably make decisions if you don’t know that criteria that matters.


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8. The Nothing Person: doesn’t contribute to the conversation. No verbal feedback, no nonverbal feedback, nothing:

Allow time for the process. The flow of information is going to be slow so plan for it. You don’t want to be in a situation where time is working against you;

Ask the right questions. If you’re not getting the response you want, you might not be asking the right questions;

Show the ramifications. People aren’t always aware of the impact of their actions (or inactions.) Explaining the impact might help.

9. The No Person: kills momentum and creates friction, disguised as a mild mannered normal person, they fight a never ending battle for futility, hopelessness, and despair:

Test your No Person early. If you need their support seek it out early;

Build an ally. Make them your ally, this can help build momentum. They can help you figure out what the main blockers or resistance will be.

Divide and conquer. If they are more powerful among a group, meet with them individually and in advance;


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Consider the time-frame. You might need to warm them up to your idea over time versus a single session;

Try reverse psychology. If their instinct is to play a Devil’s advocate, try asking them for the opposite of what you want, and test their reactions;

Involve them in the solution. Ask them to temporarily wear a collaborative hat. It makes it safe for them to play out your ideas, and temporarily step out of their usual behavior.

10.Whiners: feel helpless and overwhelmed by an unfair world. Their standard is perfection, and no one and nothing measures up to it. Misery loves company, so they bring their problems to you:

Use active listening. Use active listening by paraphrasing and echoing points that you hear. You don’t have to agree with the points;

Allow time for the process. Don’t rush results;

Stay focused on solutions. Break the problems down. Solving a few right-sized problems will help build momentum;


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Improving Our Communication Skills

Effective interpersonal communication is a bit like a dance—a step-by-step process in which two partners continually adjust to each other. Two things are

needed: speaking skills and listening skills.

Never make assumptions that the original message was received correctly

Important to self-reflect and understand our own filters, experiences, personality, and roles

Be specific: be able to answer key questions that people might ask about your message, such as Who? What? Why? Where? When?

Take responsibility:

Be clear about what you think or feel by saying, “I think” or “I believe.”

Beware of expressing your concerns with statements such as “You have a problem” or “This group has a problem.” Statements like these are usually heard as judgmental, accusatory, or demanding. “I” invites dialogue; “you” invites rebuttal.


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Improving Our Communication Skills (2)

Unless people ask you to speak for them, avoid phrases such as “We all know . . .” If you have a concern, say something like: “I don’t know about anybody else, but I think there is a problem with . . .”

Be adaptable:

Be aware of words that may have several meanings in a given situation. Remember that meaning is in people, not in words, and adapt your messages to the perception of your listeners.

Adjust for the receiver’s individuality and filters based on gender, age, occupation, and cultural background.

Check for accuracy:

Ask for feedback about how your message was heard. Ask questions such as, “What did you understand me to say?” “Does this make sense to you?” “Is there anything that is not clear to you?”

If feedback shows that your message was not heard, keep reframing it until you are sure it’s understood.


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Listen for Understanding: Listening plays a powerful role in creating shared meaning. It is the listener’s perceptions that give value to the message’s meaning and not the speaker’s intentions. An active listener is just as vital as a successful communicator/speaker.

Be attentive: Concentrate on the speaker. Stay focused on what the person(s) is saying and

how it is said. Show non-verbal interest. i.e. make eye contact, focus on the speaker, etc. Do

not check your watch, sort your mail, or look for something in your pockets while you listen.

Motivate the speaker: When appropriate ask open-ended or clarifying questions. Avoid questions

that can be answered yes or no. Ask questions such as, “What do you think?” “What are your feelings?”


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Avoid interruptions: Wait your turn to respond to the speaker, and respect the other person’s right to speak. Do not insert your story in the middle of someone else’s.

Provide clarification: Paraphrase: Describe what you heard without evaluating or interpreting the

message. Summarize: “So the key points that I heard you make are...”

Focus on behavior, not personality; Be factual & concrete; use recent examples Expect adults to take responsibility for their own actions & words;

An effective communicator is someone whose messages

are “heard” the way they were intended.

The basic building block of good communication lies in the belief that every person is unique and of value.


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Bibliography

Brinkman & Kirshner, Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst

Edward T. Hall’s Proxemic Theory, 1966

Fieldstone Alliance: Communicating Clearly: It's Not What You Say, It's How Others Hear You

www.forbes.com/sites/mikemyatt/2012/04/04/10-communication-secrets-of-great-leaders/

www.icre.pitt.edu/mentoring/effective.html

www.inf.ed.ac.uk/teaching/courses/hc1/slides1011/slides26.pdf

www.livestrong.com/article/67317-definition-effective-communication-skills/

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-well/201107/simple-keys-effective-communication

ww.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/hr/hrdepts/asap/Documents/Communication_Skills.pdf


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