The Intimacy Manifesto:

Redefining and Committing to Intimate

Relationships with God and a Circle of Safe Others

Copyright © 2016 Kim Pullen

Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible,

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Used by permission of Zondervan.

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by Biblica, Inc.™

Wikipedia contributors. "Manifesto." Wikipedia, The Free

Encyclopedia. Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 11 Jun.

2016. Web. 29 Jun. 2016.

Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Introduction ........................................................... 4

What Is Intimacy? .................................................. 5

What Intimacy Is and What It’s Not ................... 5 Knowing vs. Knowing About .............................. 6

I Want Intimacy ...................................................... 8

The Answer to My Emptiness ............................ 8 Finding Safe Others ............................................ 9 Worth the Work ............................................... 10

I Need Intimacy .................................................... 12

I Can’t Be Fulfilled Without It .......................... 12 It’s the Key to Building Any Relationship ......... 13

I Will Develop Intimacy ........................................ 15

Going Vertical .................................................. 15 Transcendent Prayer ........................................ 16 Horizontal Hearts and Hugs ............................. 17

I Will Nurture Intimacy in Myself and Others ...... 19

Keeping the Flame Burning .............................. 19 Lighting the Way for Others ............................ 20

My Intimacy Manifesto ................................. 23

From God to Me ........................................................ 24

From Me to God ........................................................ 25

From Me to my Safe Others .................................. 26

About the Author ................................................. 27

4

Introduction

Manifesto

A public declaration of intentions, opinions,

objectives, or motives issued by one party to another.

In 1996, I lost my first-born son during delivery. In

2000, my second-born was diagnosed with autism.

Then in 2011, I suffered an excruciating separation

from my husband of nearly twenty years. The bottom

fell out of my life, and I found myself drowning in

darkness.

But God was there for each event, and I held fiercely

to his hand. He led me out of isolation and despair

and into an intimacy with him and a circle of safe

others that transformed not just my life, but my soul.

My husband and I have since reunited and are in the

process of creating an intimacy we never had before.

The Intimacy Manifesto is born from my desire to

help others know and experience what God revealed

to me through all this tragedy—an intimacy with him

and a circle of safe others that can carry us through

pain and passion, grief and good times, tragedy and

triumph.

This manifesto is written in first person so it can be

experienced personally. Read it with an open Bible,

and drink in God’s commitment to you.

Kim Pullen

June 30, 2016

Orlando, Florida

5

1

What Is Intimacy?

What Intimacy Is and What It’s Not

First things first. Intimacy is not sex. In a marital

relationship, sex can be a fruit of intimacy. But just

because there is sex in a marriage doesn’t mean there

is intimacy.

Another way to

think of it is “in-

to-me-see.” It’s

when I let

someone see

inside my soul.

That can be a lot

scarier than sex.

Intimacy is the

most difficult

state to achieve in

any of my

relationships. It means I must be absolutely

vulnerable to the other person, totally accepting of

their strengths and weaknesses, and fully committed

to the relationship.

But intimacy isn’t a train stop. I don’t “arrive” at it. It’s

a living, breathing thing, and once achieved, I must

feed and nurture it daily in order for it to thrive.

6

Knowing vs. Knowing About

Intimacy is not just knowing about someone.

I can know about an entertainment personality

through magazines, TV, or Twitter. I can know about

my co-workers based on what they reveal in the

break room or on Facebook. I can know about the

members of my congregation or volunteer

organization based on what they share from the

podium, in a

gathering, or over

dinner.

Sadly, I may only

know about my

spouse—what he

likes to eat, watches

on TV, and does on

the weekends. And

he may only know

about me. We don’t

necessarily know

each other’s whys

and hows.

I admit I’ve often felt I’m missing something vital in

my life, but until recently I’d never related it to a lack

of intimacy in my relationships.

It’s more intuitive than the gnawing of forgotten keys

or a misplaced cell phone. It claws quietly at my belly,

7

feeding off me, creating a hunger, an ache so innate,

I’ve found myself crying for no apparent reason.

Then I feel stupid, guilty, or embarrassed because

nobody around me seems to feel this way. I have a

relatively good marriage, a reasonably secure job,

great kids, and a stable home. I should be happy.

So why do I feel so empty sometimes?

What is my definition of intimacy?

Name three of my closest relationships and

describe what I have done (or not done) to

create intimacy.

Read Philippians 3:8. What did Paul mean by

this statement?

Read Matthew 7:21-23. What did Jesus mean

when he said, “I never knew you”?

8

2

I Want Intimacy

The Answer to My Emptiness

I’m weary of going through the motions. At home. At

work. At church. I’m performing good deeds but

these actions fill my soul like kindling on a fire,

burning up quickly, leaving me wanting.

I’m sick of shallow relationships. The exterior

pleasantries

reveal none

of the pain

that screams

beneath the

surface of

my skin.

I’m tired of

hiding

behind a facade and pretending to have it all

together when all I want is to throw open the

floodgates of my grief, rage, frustration, and

confusion to someone. Anyone.

Why do I feel the need to appear perfect to others

when I’m really a mess on the inside?

Sometimes, I even feel like I have to be perfect for

God, which makes no sense since he sees everything I

do or think (Jeremiah 16:17). He knows my every

9

intention, conscious or subconscious (Hebrews 4:12-

13). He knows each thought or word before I think it

(Psalm 139:4). He made me perfect through Jesus

(Hebrews 10:14) long before I tried to earn his love.

And I am loved, wholly and dearly (Colossians 3:12),

and I can open my heart to him because he opened

his heart to me first (1 John 4:19).

Okay, I can trust him, but I’m afraid to let others “in-

to-me-see” because I’ve opened that window before

only to have my heart broken, shattered, and crushed.

I’m afraid to get hurt again.

Finding Safe Others

There are many in the world who do not respect my

God and his words, and I should no more trust my

tender heart to them than I would a great treasure

(Matthew 7:6).

I need to find safe people with whom I can build

intimacy (Proverbs 4:23).

I will look for others who think like my God

(Philippians 2:2)

and walk like

Jesus (1 John

2:5-6). They

won’t be

perfect either

(we’ll have that

in common), but

10

I will know them by their desire to know me

(Philippians 2:4), and we will devote ourselves to each

other (Ruth 1:16-17).

I can and will create a circle of safe others.

Worth the Work

I believe the truth that nothing worth having comes

easily, therefore, becoming intimate with God and my

safe others will be hard work.

God will discipline me from time to time but, like any

good father, he’s doing it for my good (Hebrews

12:7-11).

At times, I may feel like he’s ignoring me or has

abandoned me (Psalm 142), but I will choose to

remember how much he loves me (Jeremiah 31:3),

and I will renew my trust in him (Romans 8: 28, 32).

Since my safe others are as imperfect as I am, we will

have to labor

through our

differences and

sin (Galatians

6:1-5). I will hurt

them and they

will hurt me, but

I will make

every effort to

work through it

11

when those times inevitably come (Ephesians 4:32).

I commit to sacrificing my pride, fear, and selfishness

(Luke 9:23) to become unified with my safe others so

those outside our circle will see the wonder and

power of intimacy and long for it themselves (John

17:21-23).

I see now how desperately I need intimacy.

Read the scriptures from this chapter

before answering the questions.

How often do I feel the need to “perform” for

others? For God? Why?

Meditate on Psalm 139. How does God free

me from the need to perform for him?

Write the names of at least two people I think

might be safe for me. Contact them today

and ask if them if they would be willing to

build intimacy with me.

What will hinder me from moving forward in

my intimacy with God? With safe others?

12

3

I Need Intimacy

I Can’t Be Fulfilled Without It

I was created from a relationship for relationships.

“Let us make man in our image, in our likeness…”

(Genesis 1:26, italics mine). God was not alone at

Creation. Jesus and

the Holy Spirit were

present as well

(Colossians 1:16,

Genesis 1:2).

He was recreating

on Earth what he

treasured in heaven—relationships. He walked with

Adam and Eve in the cool of the day (Genesis 3:8-9).

He called Moses and Abraham his friends (Exodus

33:11, James 2:23) and his relationship with Enoch

was so tight, he gave Enoch an exclusive, nonstop

pass into his presence (Genesis 5:24).

Like his Father, Jesus didn’t fly solo. In fact, their

intimacy was so complete that Jesus responded to

inquiries as his Father (John 14:8-10). What’s more, he

broadcast God’s message of relationships to

everyone who would listen (Matthew 11:28, John

17:20-21).

13

I can make myself an island, but I will never be

fulfilled on it.

It’s the Key to Building Any Relationship

Relationships were a big deal for the New Testament

writers because they are a big deal to Jesus. The

Greek word for one another (ἀλλήλων) is used 100

times in ninety-four verses (see infographic). I’m

called to build up, ’fess up, pray up, and love up on

others (1

Thessalonians

5:11, James 5:16,

John 13:34).

I’m supposed to

be so connected

relationally with

my safe others

that if some

activity I did

made them

struggle—even if it wasn’t a sin—I would willingly

desist (Romans 14).

I’m called to be so much on the same page with them

that we actually think alike (1 Corinthians 1:10,

Romans 15:5).

There is no way I can get that deep with someone

without developing intimacy.

14

Read the scriptures from this chapter

before answering the questions.

Why are relationships so important to God?

Are they as important to me? Why or why

not?

Ask my safe others if they perceive me as

more of “an island” or as someone open to

intimacy.

Which area of relationship building with

others is the most difficult for me—to

encourage others, confess my sins to others,

pray for others, or love and serve others?

15

4

I Will Develop Intimacy

The cross is symbolic of the kind of intimate

relationships I need—a vertical relationship with God

and a horizontal relationship with people.

Going Vertical

In the same way the

vertical beam of the

cross was buried in

the earth, I have to

be grounded with

God before I can be

truly intimate with

others. This

supernatural union is the foundation for all my other

relationships. I attain this powerful connection

through daily communication—him speaking to me

(reading his Word) and me speaking to him (prayer).

But it’s more than just reading my Bible. It’s being

wooed by his Love Letters where he announces the

mountains he’s crossed to reach me and dragons he’s

slain to rescue me. It’s him declaring how desperately

he longs for our intimacy (Acts 17:27, Isaiah 30:18).

It’s him proving how completely trustworthy, utterly

devoted, eternally unchanging, and absolutely

reliable he is. He will never outgrow me, belittle me,

ignore me, or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).

16

Transcendent Prayer

All this moves me to pour out my heart to him in

prayer. Not only in my closet on my knees with my

eyes closed, but with my eyes and arms open wide,

standing upon a mountain, in a field of wildflowers,

or on a snow-laden hill.

I will make time to be with him every day (Psalm 42).

Even more, I will plan special time in places where he

can display his glorious creativity.

As I talk to him,

he fashions a

rainbow from

water and light,

scatters starfish

across a

shoreline, or

halts an

antlered elk in

its tracks (Psalm

77:14).

And I hear his reply in the sighing trees, the

harmonious birdsong, and the crooning of the

rushing stream (Isaiah 55:12). “I love you,” he says.

“Always and forever.” He has the power to mean it.

And he calls me to travel the horizontal plane of

intimacy as well.

17

Horizontal Hearts and Hugs

The other part of the cross that Jesus is purported to

have carried to Golgotha represents the horizontal

plane of my human relationships. These are the safe

others that hold up my arms and I theirs (Exodus

17:12).

They are the support I need when I sing, mourn, or

rage. And I am their support when they shout, weep,

or groan. We are the physical arms of our mutual

Daddy giving each other a gentle caress, a needed

squeeze of the hand, or a warm hug. And we gaze

into each other’s eyes and channel his compassion,

forgiveness, and joy (John 13:12-17).

My safe others talk about their own relationships with

God—how they see him, what they do with him, how

special he is to them, and all that he does for them

(Romans 1:12). And through their courageous

disclosure, I fall more deeply in love with him.

These vertical and horizontal relationships with God

and my safe others twine together, braiding and

overlapping like a close-knit cord, binding me strong

and secure

in their

mutual

embrace

(Ecclesiastes

4:12).

18

It is here in this new place that I learn to nurture

intimacy and pass it on so those outside our safe

circle may know it too (John 17:20).

Read the scriptures from this chapter

before answering the questions.

Read Psalm 55:16-17 and Psalm 98. How

emotionally involved am I in my relationship

with God? How often am I moved to tears,

laughter, or joy when reading my Bible or

praying?

Why is an emotional relationship with God

necessary for building intimacy with safe

others?

How can my intimacy with safe others

strengthen my relationship with God?

19

5

I Will Nurture Intimacy in Myself and Others

Keeping the Flame Burning

In a universe of darkness, intimacy in relationships is

light. And like all light, it must be fed on a steady diet

of energy (Matthew 5:14-16).

It will take hard work to nurture my intimacy with

God and my

safe others (1

Corinthians

9:24-26).

I will give

more energy

in my

relationship

with God today than I did yesterday. I will be more

creative, meditate more deeply, and love more

passionately (Mark 12:30-31).

I will pray by starlight, sing by nightlight, and ponder

by noon-light (Psalm 55:17).

I will share my deepest desires, fondest wishes, and

biggest dreams (Psalm 62:8).

I will break bread, sip coffee, and eat chocolate-

covered strawberries with my safe others (Acts 2:46).

20

I will plan weekend getaways for memory-making

times with him and them (Luke 5:16).

I will worship him with them (Psalm 35:18).

Lighting the Way for Others

Since he has done all this to fulfill me, I will do all he

asks to please him (2 Corinthians 5:9).

With my hand still holding his, I will reach outside my

circle of safe others to light the way for those who are

as empty as I was (2 Corinthians 5:20).

Some will resist intimacy because they are fearful and

distrust the truth (Matthew 13:19).

Some will embrace it, but because they don’t feed

their own light, they return to the darkness (Matthew

13:20-21).

Some will embrace it, but then let their hurts, hang-

ups, and habits draw them into isolation (Matthew

13:22).

But some—like me and my safe circle of others—will

open wide their hearts to God and form their own

circles (Luke 13:23).

21

Together, our intersecting spheres can swallow this

world’s emptiness and isolation and spread the light

and power of intimacy.

22

Read the scriptures from this chapter

before answering the questions.

Create a plan of three to five activities or

events I will utilize to nurture my intimacy

with God; set dates for when I will complete

each activity.

Read Psalm 71:15-18, then share my plan

with my safe others. How do I think this will

help my safe others to grow in their intimacy

with God? In their intimacy with me?

How can my intimacy with God and my safe

others inspire those outside our circle to

follow our examples?

23

My Intimacy Manifesto

There is power in commitment.

We take a vow when we marry, speak from a witness

box, or enlist in military service. A commitment is an

anchor buried in the depths of our hearts, beneath

the shallows of everyday life, which keeps us faithful

despite storms raging on the surface.

Following are three sample intimacy manifestos:

God’s commitment to us (based on Scripture)

Our commitment to him

Our commitment to others within our safe

circle

These proclaim our intent to run toward the most

powerful, fulfilling, and necessary relationships in our

life that can only be found when we commit to

intimacy.

You can adopt mine if you like. But I encourage you

to create your own based on the scriptures.

Then, just as we do when we marry, witness, or enlist,

declare your pledge aloud. I did my pledge to God in

my backyard (bamboo creaking and warm sun on my

face). I pledged face-to-face to my safe others.

Own yours. Share yours. Change the world.

—K.P.

24

My Intimacy Manifesto

From God to Me

I, God, your Creator, Savior, Provider, Protector,

Comforter, and Friend, promise to never leave you

nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6).

I gave you everything you need in this world when I

gave you my Word and Myself in the form of my Son,

Jesus (2 Peter 1:3).

I paved the way for your forgiveness so you may

come into my presence unashamed (Hebrews 4:16).

I accept you as you are (Romans 15:7).

I know you inside and out; you don’t have to impress

me (Psalm 139).

I gave you my heart before you were born; you don’t

have to earn my love (Jeremiah 1:5).

I commit my eternal devotion to you today and

forever (Matthew 28:20).

25

My Intimacy Manifesto

From Me to God

I, ___________________, Your mortal, scarred, and

damaged child, servant, and friend, present my

broken heart and whole self to You (Matthew 11:28).

I will feed my soul on Your Word and make it my

primary source of strength and wisdom (Psalm 119:9-24).

I accepted Your forgiveness and love when I

committed to follow You (Acts 2:38-41) and will strive to

obey You with a faithful heart (James 2:20-24).

I will place You foremost in my heart and mind, giving

You the first and best fruit of each of my days (Proverbs

3:9-10).

I will keep the door of my heart open to You so I may

know You more every day (Revelations 3:19-20).

I promise to worship You only, forsaking the idolatry

of people, things, and even myself, so I may be fully

devoted to You (Exodus 20:3-6).

I commit my eternal devotion to You today and

forever (2 Chronicles 16:9).

Signed ____________________________________________

Date ______________________________________________

26

My Intimacy Manifesto

From Me to my Safe Others

To _____________________, my Safe Other:

I, _____________________________, your fellow child of

God, will be a safe other for you, and I commit to

share my whole self with you (2 Corinthians 6:11-13).

I will tell you about my relationship with our Father so

you can see his glory through me (2 Corinthians 3:18).

I will look not only to my own interests but also to

what’s important to you and help you fulfill your

dreams (Philippians 2:4).

I will sacrifice time to nurture our intimacy, listening

when you need an ear and holding you when you

need to feel loved (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

I will forgive you when you sin against me and ask for

your forgiveness when I hurt you (Luke 11:4).

I will fight for you in prayer (Colossians 4:12).

I will love you the way Jesus loves me and guard your

heart as carefully as I guard my own (John 13:34-35).

Signed ____________________________________________

Date ______________________________________________

Share with your Safe Other(s)

About the Author

Thriving in a 26-year marriage that was once

traumatized by adultery, codependency, and a four-

year separation, KIM PULLEN shares hope and

healing with spouses who feel isolated due to their

partner’s sexual sin.

She is an author, speaker, playwright, certified yoga

instructor, and advocate for healthy living. She lives in

Orlando, Florida with her courageous husband, three

teen children, six backyard chickens, and a bunny

named Hazel.

Read more from the author at

https://hopeforspouses.com or

https://pullenouthestops.com

or contact her at

kim@pullenouthestops.com