the judgment is the mirror: a self-help book disguised as poetry

8/14/2019 The Judgment is the Mirror: A self-help book disguised as poetry

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TheJudgmentisthe

Mirror

a self-help bookdisguised aspoetry

Neil LaChapelle


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The Judgment is the Mirror: a self-help book disguised as poetry.Copyright 2004, 2008 Neil LaChapelle

Cover design by Neil LaChapellePrinted in the USAISBN: 978-1-4357-2796-0


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Table of ContentsIntroduction................................................................................2 The Judgment .............................................................................7

ADECISION....................................................................................... 8NOT ALL JUDGMENTS ARE EQUAL......................................................... 9SOMETHING MORE .......................................................................... 10HORSES AND DRIVEN ........................................................................ 12TEAMWORK ....................................................................................14ALMOST WINDOWS.......................................................................... 16

THE TRIGGERATOR ........................................................................... 17TRIGGERATOR TRANSFER ................................................................... 19RADIOACTIVE DYE ............................................................................ 22MIRRORS ARE FUNNY ....................................................................... 24CONDENSATION ............................................................................... 26PROJECTION AND DISPLACEMENT ....................................................... 29NEGATION ......................................................................................31CONTRABOUND ............................................................................... 34

MY JUDGMENTS,MY SELF................................................................. 36TRIGGERS INTO BITS ......................................................................... 39SCABS AND STITCHES ........................................................................ 41REACTION TIMES.............................................................................. 43MY TRIGGERATOR TOUCHED ME ........................................................ 44THE YUMMIEST TRIGGERATORS OF ALL................................................46

The Mirror ................................................................................48THE TRIGGERATOR FALLACY ............................................................... 49OTHER PERSONS .............................................................................. 52JUMPY HORSE DANCE ....................................................................... 54FOR REAL........................................................................................ 55MISE EN ABYME............................................................................... 58FUNHOUSE MIRRORS........................................................................ 62PEARLS........................................................................................... 63SEE THEM .......................................................................................65GREED............................................................................................ 67TRIGGERS ARE LASERS....................................................................... 69CANNOT HELP,BUT SEE .................................................................... 72FAMOUS FAMOUS FAMOUS ONE........................................................ 73SAVINGS ......................................................................................... 75


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As It Is.......................................................................................77JUDGING IJUDGE .............................................................................78SWEET SCENES.................................................................................80SWEET DREAMS ...............................................................................82SHADOW BOXING.............................................................................84THE PRACTICE EFFECT .......................................................................85LOVE LOVES THE NAKED ....................................................................87HAVE TO,I ......................................................................................88SNITS .............................................................................................90GETTING FIXED ................................................................................91THE BLEEDING .................................................................................93HOW PERFECT A GIFT .......................................................................95NUMBNESS EBBING ..........................................................................96PRISONERS OF SOMETHING MORE ......................................................98OKAY LOVER..................................................................................101BETTER THAN ................................................................................104NOTHING NAKED UNDERNEATH........................................................106IANALYZE ONLY TO ADMIRE ............................................................108SAFETY .........................................................................................111


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Introduction

This book is about judgment. It is about the judgments we make,and the lessons they hide. If you have ever felt disappointed by

your own unkind behavior during an argument, this book is for you.

It helps you peer into your harshest outbursts, where uncharted

regions of your self lie hiding. As you explore these obscure

territories, they become less frightening. You annex and inhabit

them. The next time an argument strays onto that terrain, it wont

seem so foreign. Youll be calmer and freer to choose your

response on newly settled grounds.

Most of the entries that make up this work arrived over a three-day

period in the autumn of 2003. More arrived over subsequent

weeks, and they were all revised periodically for a year afterwards.

They arrived in a tempest. I was struggling with four separate

friends and family members all at once, about essentially the same

issue. My offensive/defensive reactions towards them all were way

out of proportion, and I knew it. I was determined to rein myself in,

and to speak my truths with more grace and generosity. This book

is the result of my efforts to argue more lovingly, and so it may

speak most directly to anyone struggling with loved ones right now.

This book appears to be a collection of poems. It isnt. Poems are

usually independent compositions. They may appear in a book, but

they can be read in any order. That is not true of this collection. The

terms and concepts of this book develop sequentially. You need to

read it from beginning to end at least once to become familiar withits funny little language. On subsequent readings you can review

the entries in any order, without being left wondering what some

of the terms might mean.

The entries in this book do not embody artistic ambitions of any

kind. They are simple, on-the-nose, and unselfconscious. The

entries simply arrived in this poetry-like format, and I saw no

reason to change them as I edited them. As it happens, the poetry-

like format works out well for this book because it encourages

slower reading. These ideas need to be considered slowly, with

pauses to let things sink in. That is their pace. It is also their lesson.

To choose differently in the heat of conflict, we have to slow down,

pause, reflect and then act. We must interrupt our reactions.


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The slow, halting format of the entries thus teaches the same

lessons as their content. However, the fact that form and function

work together this way is a happy accident, as far as Im concerned.

The entries came the way they came, and it is only in retrospectthat I can see how their poem-like format makes sense.

The message of this book is not new. It echoes familiar themes

from psychological and spiritual literatures. Some readers will

notice similarities between this book and Part 1 of the Course in

Miracles, or other contemporary writings which emphasize

forgiveness and emotional self-ownership (such as the writings of

Don Miguel Ruiz, Louise Hay, John Bradshaw, Harville Hendricks

and others). The work is also congruent with Freudian traditions inpsychology, since it is largely about projection and self/other

reflexivity. Some entries refer explicitly to Freudian concepts and

processes, including defense mechanisms and symptom formation.

This book asserts that when we judge others, we are giving voice to

what is not right within ourselves. It would be easy to overstate

this point. Judgment is not entirely groundless. Some people do

actually harm others. It is ok to judge a specific murderer asirremediably evil. However, some people can make this judgment

calmly, while others might undergo paroxysms of rage and run riot,

becoming murderous themselves. That extra energy in their

judgment points to some issue within them, and it turns them into

what they judge. So disproportionate energy is a key or a clue that

perhaps, in addition to the factual accuracy of the judgment,

something else is going on within us.

Emotionality is not the only such marker. Persisting in rationalargument can also become perverse. Truth is not justification. We

may be completely right in our perceptions of somebody, and we

may have an armload of valid reasons for judging them. However,

confronting them with this truth can still be an unloving act. Our

choice to be right instead of kind can tell us a lot about ourselves

that we are trying not to notice, as we struggle with others over

some point.

If we try to win, if we insistthat the other person must reflect

back our own way of seeing as their avowed truth, we are being

driven by more than we think we are. The clues for discovering

whats driving us can be found directly within in our accusations

against the other person.


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Literally or metaphorically, but in all cases revealingly, we are doing

precisely what we are accusing them of doing, right there, right on

the spot, right in the act of accusing them. Accusations always point

both ways during the instant of their delivery, when driven by thesedeep, visceral reactions.

Observing this mirror effect right when it happens shows us our

subconscious at work like nothing else can. We are judging, and we

see our judgment point both ways. We suddenly shift to a

perspective that is neither the thin mask of our speaking

consciousness, nor the huge fumbling mime of the subconscious

that wears it. For a flashing instant we stand beside both of these

selves in a moment of expanded awareness a new place to be.

As we get used to that third perspective, watching how the mime-

body does one thing while the muttering mask speaks another, we

begin to integrate them better. We start pausing when we notice

them doing different things. Then, in the stillness of that pause, we

can disengage from the dance, reorient and realign our selves, and

try again starting a new action one guided by what love needs

now, not by the momentum of what we were doing before.

Pausing and reorienting like this changes habits. It changes the

story the story we tell ourselves about who we are and why. The

simple power to pause and choose allows us to reprogram

ourselves. It lets us rename and take ownership of elements of our

non-conscious, deeply embodied, pre-verbal postures. It helps us

command our previously automatic states of readiness. Changing

those states of readiness changes who we are.

We are what we brace ourselves for. Our body is in a certain way.

In any given situation, our body is ready for something. Below our

conscious awareness, like animals, our bodies brace for

emergencies, scanning the social and physical environments for the

dangers we expect. These non-verbal stances support our verbal

consciousness they are stronger, more basic and more

fundamental than thought. However, once we start to name and

describe these stances, accepting them into our sense of who weare, they become more manageable. We start to make them parts

of our story, instead of leaving them to crouch behind our words,

ready to bolt at shadows.


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Making these stances part of our story is hard. The stances are

defenses, so they seem to be about everything that we are not.

They seem to be entirely explained by externalrealities; even

though they are stances we are performing. They seem to be abouteverything that our conscious mind has always defined itself

against, all the badstuff, the wrong/dirty/evil stuff, out there.

Judgments are mirrors because we confuse stance and threat.

Owning your judgments as your mirrors is a bold commitment,

prompting deep reflection and rigorous self-monitoring. It is an

advanced technique in self-awareness, and it is impossible to do

with perfect consistency. It is also not for everybody, or for all

situations. If you habitually doubt, blame or punish yourself, or ifyou struggle with low self esteem, this may not be the tool for you,

at least not right now.

Also, if you are a victim of real violence, be aware that judgment

works on two levels: its personal inner meaning for you, and its

external function of supporting objective decisions. This book is

about the inner struggle. It does not propose solutions for external

problems like crime, abuse, oppression or war. People in badsituations may choose to use the ideas in this book for expanding

their inner clarity and freedom, but that will not solve their external

problems. You can leave a bad situation out of clarity or terror, but

either way you may still have to leave. Nothing in this book

negates the need for decisive action to solve external problems.

My introduction might leave you thinking the book will be very

grave and serious, but actually, the entries themselves are kind of

fun! Not that fun isnt serious feeling more fun and less rage withpeople we love is a very serious project indeed. But it is one that, at

the end of the day, delivers lightness. Rivalry melts into joy as

brewing clouds dissolve. Watching them dwindle, a brighter yes

dawns. Eyes lift and smiles clear. Light.

I hope you will find this light reading.


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The Judgment


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A Decision

The judgment is the mirror.

My life changed forever

The day I decided

To take that statement

Absolutely

Literally.

Every judgment I make

Tells me more about my

Pain than it does about

Other People.

The judgment is the mirror

Loving or

Scared

Inescapable

Fact

Of our physical

Separateness.


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Not All Judgments Are Equal

Not all judgments are equal.

If I judge the room cold

That betrays

Little

But still, its just cold

In relation to

Me.

Others might judge differently.

Plus

If I judge the room cold

With very deep hatred

And lip-curling bitterness

Something

More

Is smoldering.


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Something More

My judgment flares brightly

I pause

And reflect.

That flash of feeling

Cant be

What I see.

The heat was within me

Not out there without me

Not out there where others

Pretend

They can be.

They wiggle the waves

That tickle my face

Thats all they can offer

And then its

All me

Baby.


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My re- on their action

A function of habits

Filtered by feelings

Rehearsed

Within me

So

That searing heartburst

In my reaction

Is my own peculiar

Very own special

Get it here only

Something

More.

You would freak out differently.


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Horses and Driven

When I feel driven to make

A point

To drive it

Home

To you

I rein in.

Or actually

I-driver reins in the I-horses all me

Sometimes

Just sometimes

It works.

When I feel driven to drive my point home

Whoa!

Driven?

To drive?

Forcing Force?

Forcing who?


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The driver dissembles at guiding the team.

When horses spit bits out and bolt

Running scared

Or happy

Or shocked

Or enraged

Or wild

The driver dissembles, explaining away

Each jolt with

I meant that

Because

And besides

And since, then

So therefore

So there

The reasons are perfect

Except they dont matter.

The horses are charging

And horses dont talk.


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Teamwork

When training my team, I shut up the driver.

And focus on horses

To watch when they jump.

There a flare! There a lunge! A reaction! A charge!

I charge at the other

A point in my

Mind.

Take this point take it home make it yours be that thing that I see

you are wrong I am right I should know I dont care Im in pain Imallowed you should pay its a fact they agree there you see you are

wrong I am right you must change let me be cant you see what I

say cant you be what I mean you should change we cant wait its

so late we will die you must bend first my friend if you dont change

this way its the end

Ooops.

What happened there?

Them horses got away on me.

Damn!

Wonder what made em jump?

Well


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Im lazy

So I choose a simple answer.

Each act I imagined was driven

I drove.

Each point I attacked in the Other

Is me.

My driver has everything

.sdrawkcaB

.no daeh ti ecaf ot emiT


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Almost Windows

Judgments are mirrors and so almost windows

But all I see in them

Rebounds back

On me

And charging ahead

At those silver-backed helpers

Just leaves my self-image

In shards

At my feet.

Only one thing explains this raucous destruction.

Every judgment I make points at me.


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The Triggerator

There was this jerk today

A real asshole

And

This person Im close to has hurt me a lot.

I am also beginning

To think that That Person

Is trying to steadily

Drive me

Insane.

Introducing

The Triggerator!

Triggerators are superheroes in many disguises.

Damn good ones.

Triggerators save us by jabbing their fingers

Precisely

Where

It will hurt us


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Most.

How nice!

In fact

The greater the hero, the sharper the poking!

They jab until all we can do is

Pull back

And give those sore points

More attention.

Then Triggerators

No longer

Trigger us

There

So much

And that is what they are here for.

To help us notice the bleeding.


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Triggerator Transfer

Triggerators transfer

Quite easily

In fact

Quite often

I transfer them

Okay

Always.

Theyre tricky when transferred

Masters in disguise

The old lady, small dog

Loud kids and rude clerk

All trigger me

Just the same

Way

Somehow

Especially the small dog, for some reason


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But

Thats just how I am

Thats just my way

Its just how Im built

Its simply my style

I should know

Ive been that

Same way

Forever

Since

I was reeeeeaaallly

Little.

Its not myyyy fault

Some People drive me

So nuts!!!


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Especially

Since

They seem

To follow me

Everywhere!

Why are they always

Picking on

Me?


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Radioactive Dye

Triggerpoints on ourselves are so hard to find.

They somehow force eyes away

Not to see them.

But theyre visible

So we see them away.

Out there.

We see them

Where we are looking.

We actually squirt

We squirt out this ink

This radioactive

Dye.

We spray it on Triggerators

And look really carefully

And maps of our trigger points

Blink and shine clear.

This is a special mirroring service of Triggerators.


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The ink is our judgment

Analysis

Crosshairs

Or angry and

Gossip-fed

Thoughts about

Them.

Our Triggerators.

We dance with our inkblots

With their blinking flashpoints

Not knowing theyre

Warning lights

Flashing at

Us

Forgetting

They shine

Where we spray them.


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Mirrors are Funny

Mirrors are funny

In more than one way

More than two ways

Or three, but twos plenty

(Comedians are mirrors

Of triggers made harmless

But thats not the point here.

Wont go there for now.)

Mirrors are funny because they can show us

The way that we look

Exactly

Almost.

But they flip our image

And inside-out switch it

And we dont look

Like we look

In our photographs

Quite.


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They twist us

But we prefer mirrors

We do

To horrible pictures!

(Taken, we feel)

We know mirrors better.

We know what to look for

More practiced

At poses

Our mirrors

Reveal.

The camera looks back

The way Others see us.

We prefer flip-flops.

They feel much more

Real.


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Condensation

What bugs me in you

Is one puzzling piece

Of that puzzling problem

Of me.

My still boxed-up pieces

I trust

Can be clustered

Around it your

Piece of me

Trust

I will see

I can guess

How this scene

Might appear.

If

I catch myself lunging at

You then that piece


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That I lunged at

I know

I will need.

The rest of the pieces

May be

Piled around me

But that one

You showed me

May well be

The key.

Theres no sample picture

Of this puzzle finished

But since I was lunging, I trust

I can build

With this key

That you showed me

I now sense a pattern

I feel a scene forming


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I needed that piece

Here

Next to these

I knew it! I knew it!

They do fit together!

I rebuilt that scene!

That pattern was lurking

Condensed

In my judgment.

Resetting it properly

Made things come clear.

Clarity! Insight! Wow!

What a rush!

But now

What will I

Do with it?


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Projection and Displacement

When I project a bleeding scene

Of mine

Upon a Triggerator

It looks odd.

Left is right and right

Is wrong and if Im making subtle moves

My mirrors belie me.

Misguide me.

I cant see

Those movements

As mine.

Theyre all turned around

Im all turned around

Left, right, here, there


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Carp fishing, fish carping

grain threshing, fox hounding

Kid birthing, mom cribbing

beast nursing, nurse beating

Drivers in harnesses Horses hold reins.

The Triggerator looks

That way

Always

To me.

Like somebody else

Who is crazy.


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Negation

Negation is a tricky twist.

A Triggerators trickiest.

It turns our special mapping ink

To glue

Super

We figure them out

Them

We cover them all

Them

We coat them with

Our own judgmental

Spray.

Our trigger maps blaze while

We firmly decide

With total

Determined

Conviction

Never to see Them again.


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Never.

Not to look That Way again.

We are Not-Them.

Case

Closed

We sweep them aside

With glue-covered

Hands.

Conviction.

We dont look to notice

The big mass of Triggerator

Stuck to our skin.

We never look There

Thats what we decided

But somehow our steps are

Encumbered

Restrained.


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That Not-A

Glues that A

In place

And us with it.

I have been Not-A-Child

Of one special Someone

I was Not That One

In every way.

I have been Not-A-Jerk, Not-A-Prude, Not-Bourgeois

Ive Notted and Nohowed and Nevered until.

I wound up in knots

Proclaiming my freedom

From all I would not ever

See say or be.

I thought my path cleared.

But it was just narrowed

Pinched

By the Not-As, glued to my skin.


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Contrabound

I will be different

Than all those before me

I will be different

Than all those that x

I will be different

Ill do things much better

Surpass and outpace them

And fully and utterly

Leave them

Behind

No more ties

Or relation

Or reference

To them

Since Ill be all

Theyre not

And nothing

They are.


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That way I can safely

Securely

Forget them

Assuming

Theyre finally

Utterly

Gone.


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My Judgments, My Self

My image is twisted

And bent and distorted

And so hard to see when

Projected out there

On my Triggerator.

Where to start?

There are books and then books, on so many shelves.

Some I have

Read a few

But Im lazy.

So

I keep it all simple

Make no fine distinctions

And choose

That that image

Of Other

Is me.


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All of it.

Then the joy begins.

All of those judgments

Are parts of a mystery

A real whodunit

Inside me.

(Detection is fun

If youre cool about pain

And how good it feels

To get free.)

Each one of my judgments reflects me

Each one

Once I

Displace it and double-negate it

And expand it and unpack it


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And sort it and flip it and spread it

And give all the hidden suspects

Their right names.

However

The answers are there.

Each conflict a gift

A chance to remember

A chance to relinquish

And reclaim my peace

The judgment is the mirror.

My judgments are myself

Not for shame

But for my own

Blossoming.


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Triggers Into Bits

Triggers arent simple.

They have different segments.

Awaiters, Recognizers, Reactors, at least

The biggest ones even have Seekers.

Awaiters await for something that triggers.

They keep the trigger points tense, on alert.

Recognizers yell when they see their reflections

And their screams send Reactors running.

And

For big major triggers

Recognizers keep screaming

At Awaiters, Reactors, more triggers, themselves

To run out and make sure no frightening mirrors

Will leap out and flash them more pictures of hell.


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This trigger, that trigger, new triggers, ancient ones

All drive this Seeking of triggerous hordes

And since this wide world is well furnished with mirrors

They find what they seek while still Seeking more.

Fearing.

There are better uses

Of mirrors.


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Scabs and Stitches

Triggers arent pretty

To look at or touch.

They hurt.

Thats why I wont touch them

Without all that help from my Triggerators.

My triggers are field bandages

Or dressings of sorts.

Made up of crude stitches fom non-sterile needles

And plaster, and mud, and bits of my flesh

And scabby black flakes over hot reeking pus-pools

Plus these high tech detectors called Triggers on top

To keep whatever

Might peel back the dressing

Away.

In the field, this will do.

During feverish battle, at the scene of the crime

Whatever works works

For survival.


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Reaction Times

Wounds beget more wounds

Your triggered volley

Jabs at my soft

Tissues and I

Jab back

Too much

Too fast

Too blindly

Too madly

Not seeing

Where all that juice

Came from.

Wounds are born

Of speed

And blindness

They need time

And light

To heal.


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My Triggerator Touched Me

My Triggerator touched me

I saw my trigger flare

I almost let my horses

Charge

But then I remembered

The flare is all me

At least partly

Inside me

But importantly partly inside me

Okay

How?


True

Okay

But maybe not this time

So much

Just every other time

But this


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Time it is surely a

Fluke

That I am reacting

Like my old favourite Someone

Not that other old Someone

With someone

Just like

That other

Just like

I do.


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The Yummiest Triggerators of All

You dance the same dance

The same matching steps

From each of our sides

Were in synch

Wounds sweetly matching

So come and lets bleed

On each other

In places

Where nobodys

Looking.

You are the one, babe

My dreams all come true

But that

Except that thing

That isnt quite right

Nor that one, nor that one

Nor that one, nor that

Hey! You traitorous Triggerator!


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This is my nightmare!

My hugest of triggers!

Get away! Get away!

You cant touch that!

You cant go there! Dont poke that!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Gosh, look at that

That does feel better.

It was time

To get

Air on that

Thing, now

I guess

So what shall we do for dinner tonight?

Is there some of that stuff from last night left?


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The Mirror


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The Triggerator Fallacy

I still make this error

Most of the time.

Damn.

Hey!

I just judged myself!

Wont go there.

Maybe later.

Or not.

Maybe now...

So the Triggerator is not out there

Or back then

Or those people.

The Triggerator is data

From there, then, or them

Processed

By gangs of vociferous triggers

Within me

Physically

Inside my own


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Braincase.

I could probably point to that physical war zone

The Triggerator

If I could see it

But I dont have a brain scanner

So Ill just pretend

Ill point to my head

And say, There lives my Triggerator!

Cool.

When I forget this brain thing

And my teams are stampeding

In all directions

But inwards

Back to

Stable

I forget

That the Triggerators not out there

Or back then

Or those people.


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Ooops Im not thinking.

I just think Im seeing

All that outside stuff

Forgetting my brain

Thus, I make the Triggerator fallacy.

I must remind myself

After not minding myself

That the Triggerator lives inside

Me.

The flesh and blood helper who supplied me with data

For hinting and pointing where

Triggers might be

Used for building my Triggerator

This is important

I really believe this

That flesh and blood helper

Is different from me.

That fleshy being is an Other Person (O.P.).

Misery blossoms when thats forgotten.


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Other Persons

My horses are amazing!

They walk, they talk, they perform plastic surgery

Or try to.

They always fail because they live

In my head

But think they can operate

Out there

On

the Other Person.

Biiiiiiiiiiiiig mistake.

I remind them, other persons are

Other Persons!

I repeat to my self

O-t-h-e-r P-e-r-s-o-n-s.

My Triggerator, my horses, my triggers, my pus-pools, all of these

things are interconnected by millions and billions of tiny nerve cells.

I plead with my horses, I have no nerves going into the braincase of

the Other Person!

Horses forget.

They try to change the Other Person


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Pretty them up

With a few incisions and little stitches, some abrasion and other

alterations, those Other Persons will turn out Just Right.

Eeek.

Equine surgeons get you into a lot of Trouble.

My screamers and reactors think that if I just throw my distress at

those Other Persons

Harder

Harder

Okay, harder

Maybe differently

Ill pull rank.

Ill act really sweet! You catch more flies with honey than you do

with vinegar, wink nudge

Oh fuck it. Ill pout!

Thatll show that Triggerator.

Triggerators think they are Other Persons.

Ill show them.

Ill be hurt.

I hate you.

Dont go.


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Jumpy Horse Dance

The Jumpy Horse Dance is extremely exhausting.

There are so many steps

And turns

Combinations

You can dance very smoothly

Or bounce with no rhythm.

However you do it

Its draining.

None of us dancing it knows what were doing

So we just lurch all over

Use all local mirrors

To manage our

Partners

Pushing their limbs and their feet and their heads

So hard

That it throws us

Off balance.

We should use all those mirrors to steady ourselves.


59/117

55

For Real

For real

I mean it!

Get real!

I mean, gosh, cmon dude

Keep it real now

Okay?

Some Other People really are What I Say They Are.

Period.

And if I tell Them they Should change

They Should

Exactly as I Say

Because I Know.

Because I do.

So there.

Ummmmmm.


60/117

56

But not

Not a word

Not one word

That we Say

Sticks a nerve

From our heads

Into

The Other Persons

Brain.

And not

Not a word

Not one word

That is heard

By the Other

Is processed

By anything

You or I

Drive.


61/117

57

And some of the processes inside

The Other

Are Triggers.

Flaring

With data

From you.

Welcome to Trignation.

Youre now the screen.

Presenting

The Triggerator!

Good luck.

Watch out for the horses!


62/117

58

Mise en Abyme

Mise en abyme is a thing

I have seen

Where two mirrors

Facing each other

Reflect

A view of each other

Back to each other

Together

Forever

For real

Each is reflecting

The other

So

Each looks like that

When you see it.


63/117

59

The sight of the other

Shines from

Within each

So that becomes

Their image

Each then reflects other containing

its own image shining across

in round one

Then

Each receives image of

self in the other

Reflecting this back again

in round two

And thats what the other reflects, (self in other in self).

Each now sees other reflect self showing other (round three)

so each reflects that this time (for round four)

self in other in self in other,

and then


64/117

60

And then this goes on

Forever

At

The speed of light.

Triggering

Love

Hell

Choose

Love

Because

Each successive reflection

Of one into other

Gets smaller

And smaller

And smaller.


65/117

61

Framed by love, hell will dwindle

Framed by hell, love will shrink

As less is projected each time

Between mirrors

Each triggers less in the other

But yet

The mirrors reflect on each other

They shine on each other

For ever

And

Light dances freely

Between them

Shaped

By all

That both

Have offered each other

In the luminous passage

They share.


66/117

62

Funhouse Mirrors

Try to put

Funhouse mirrors

Into mise en abyme.

It wont work.

Each receives light from the other

At off angles.

Each bounces the others image back

In unflattering ways.

Each tries to demonstrate that it

Controls the light

By pushing it

Bending it

Caving in

Rippling

Anything

Whatever will make it gleam

More than

The other.

You can hang them facing each other in the same hallway

But the effect isnt nice and its hard to walk between them.


67/117

63

Pearls

Thank you, Other Persons

I never really knew you

Or really know you

But

In the mix of us

I muddle through

Alone

Are pearls

And yes

They are

Getting brighter.

When Triggerators are firing shells at my face

From the inside

The pearls are hard to see.

Inside those fucked up ugly shells

That cut me

Wherever it hurts

The most.


68/117

64

But when I remember

To calm myself

And not return fire

Then

I can crack the shells open

And use them

Scraping

Away

The gangrene.

In this mix of us

I muddle through

I find those shells

Thinking you threw them

Forgetting

These festering wounds

Were simply hidden

Until

The missile

Struck.


69/117

65

See Them

See them.

Lovingly

Reflect

Your acceptance

Of all that they offer

Then when theyre done

Reflect

Pause

Reflect on yourself and

Trust theyll return

The favor.

Which they will

Whether they choose to

Or not

And both of these gifts

Are revealing.


70/117

66

Conscious mirroring works

Because

It expands

What happens

Anyway


71/117

67

Greed

As Ive mentioned before

I am greedy

So

When Triggerators show me

My sore spots

I

Could focus on an Other Person (O. P.)

And gesture pose posture and wheedle

(No direct cables to their brain, you see.)

But

I am greedy

It is so much more fun

More interesting

More exciting


72/117

68

To solve this new riddle

About my

Reactions

Which are things

I can do things

About.

That I do

Leaving

The O. P.

To their own

Riddling

And pondering

Their own

Enactments.


73/117

69

Triggers Are Lasers

How big is that

Triggerous spot on the

Triggerator?

Tiny.

Each trigger point

Reflects

Back

Only

The tiniest

Bit

Of info

But when those dots shine together

In quick constellations

An outline appears

That sometimes looks like

My own Monster


74/117

70

And so I setup laser detectors

Just where those bits are.

My security system

Against them.

My triggerating Someone

Long dead

Was quite careful

Conservative, placid

Volatile, warm.

My Someone at present

Is bolder and wilder

Warm and quite steady

Careful, but free.

So different

Each

Of two different sexes

One looks great naked

The other


75/117

71

Dont care.

But when my new Someone

So charming and different

Breaks a few light beams

My monster

Appears

Just the same.

A sparse constellation

A few scattered fruit flies

Could shine like my Monster

Could cross those thin searchlights

Could trigger my sensors

By chance

Just like It.

As in time

Will a close

Someone


76/117

72

Cannot Help, But See

Oh dangers

So dangerous

Abnormal

Must be

Perverted

Demons

Seducers

Ghosts

Still here

And there

And always

Some where

Some way

I cannot

Help

But see them

Everywhere

Mirror images of my

Acceptance


77/117

73

Famous Famous Famous One

Famous famous famous one

Alive in a world of light

Its so warm in your presence

So cool

So sexy

I want to be there

Too

In your world without suffering.

Where I am

Is too boring

And onerous.

But I know

Just what its like

Where you are.

One sweet daydream

Its perfect


78/117

74

I know Im

Like you

One of you

And Someday

Some Someone

All Someones

Will see

Me and

Never

Gaze elsewhere

Again.

And everything will

Finally be

Perfect


79/117

75

Savings

The poor

Those poor

These poor

That poor

Poor poor vulnerable

You

Save the

Protect the

Release the

Unleash the

Poor poor vulnerable

Them

Resist the

Refuse the

Demand the

Unseat the

Dangerous powerful

Him


80/117

76

For reasons

Yes

Plus something

More

For equal and opposite

Actions

Equal

Reactions

Against

Contact


81/117

77

As It Is


82/117

78

Judging I Judge

I judge that I am judging

Yep.

I scold myself for judging

I scold

Damn!

I guide myself with lofty

Principle


Fool I was

To slip like that

Ooops!

Or hey!

I notice

I am judging

Hee hee!

Delightful irony


83/117

79

And shame for slipping

And fear of triggering

And urges to manage

And pain from harsh thinking

Sweet empathy

Loves you

Brave children

All

Now what might my Someone

Need me to reflect

To see that he too

Is perfect?


84/117

80

Sweet Scenes

Gorgeous gentle darling

Its warm by your side

Youre so sweet

And so kind

And so sexy

And loving

God

What would I

Ever

Do without you

All that good stuff

Is inside you

Must be

So Id better

Hang onto

You for dear

Life

Hang tight

Hey!


85/117

81

Why are you triggerating?

Oh yeah.

Start again.

Gorgeous gentle darling

In your sweet upturned face

I see all my Someones

Together

Sweet scenes

Playing out on

Your shimmering

Skin

My skin

I offer

In return

No shame

In our ongoing

Mutual

Illumination


86/117

82

Sweet Dreams

I dream a sweet dream where

I meet an old friend who

Finds out all about me

And all that Ive done.

So impressive!

I get

All the sweets

I expect

Finally

Unlike

Before

When I got

Some but

That other

One I like less

Did too

Yeah


87/117

83

The dream is very sweet

Its about my sweet friend

And not that Other

Or any before

And certainly

Not about

Being

Torn

Between any

Inevitably

Disappointing

Someones


88/117

84

Shadow Boxing

Yes, I know yes

okay yes

Im sure

yep, okay

Yep, Im sure he was

Boxing with you

But I know

Yes, I see

Well, I know

But, still theres

Yes you were certainly justified.

But for me

No matter how good my reasons for boxing you

Its boxing

He left you no option

Did you take that one?


89/117

85

The Practice Effect

Think it

Ooops

Think the new way

Thiiiiiiiinnnnk

Darn!

Think it

React!

React!

React!

Hmmmm

Think it over

Think the new way

Think it

Aha!

I SEE it!

I SEE

I think

Something

Like some kind


90/117

86

React

A trigger point

Thanks

Think again

Think the new way

See the new way

See it

As it is

See it

As

Be it

As

See

Think

See

Be

Do


91/117

87

Love Loves the Naked

Love loves the naked

But stripping takes practice

Since these clothes are tricky

To shed

My judgment, my mirror

I feel a new freedom

But then in a war zone

I notice

That phrase in my hand

Blocking barbs

And blows and missiles

And charges

I try to instruct

If I fear the judgment

I cant use the mirror

Trigger

Fade/flare

Choose

Love


92/117


93/117

89

Tear down your

Lying

Enlightening

You

Oh, yes

Damn!

I forgot

The paradox of offering

Humility with grace:

The impulse

To offer

Is miscued.

Violence.

Advice can only work sought


94/117

90

Snits

Have you ever been close to

A really big snit

With two others triggering

Like mad

In your space?

When you keep aloof

You dont flare as bad

As the second you join

Their dance,

When you trigger.

Ooops

I remember

Affirm it

Again

Judgment as mirror

Always.


95/117

91

Getting Fixed

A surgeon comes at me

Fixing to reshape and form

Whats right from the

Mix and muddle

Of my life

Lift, tuck, nip, scrape

Your recommendations?

Okay

Since Im

Already numb from

The meatball field surgery

We may as well get

Your plan started

Ill help


96/117

92

Ill hold that tray for you

While you fix that clamp

Dont bother with cutting

Ill do it

Direct me

My own blades are sharpest

And I can cut deepest

Is that the idea?

Then good, please

Relax

Rest

Ill cut to that plan

Ill take it from here

Im super! Youll see!

I can do it!

Its great, since I cant feel anything

Clearly

I barely notice the bleeding


97/117


98/117

94

Youre so impressive! So brilliant! Remarkable!

Where did you learn how to

Teach me to

Cut?

Wherever, just please please please

Please please please

Please please please

Always please keep up

The pressure

Cause

Weve cut into an artery

And if you move your finger

Im dead


99/117

95

How Perfect a Gift

Have you noticed

How perfect

A gift

This book

Would make

For somebody

Else

In your life?


100/117

96

Numbness Ebbing

This one mirror

Is losing

Its charge

I react

But only

A little

But little

Only

I feel

But

Little

By little

I feel

Numbness ebbing


101/117

97

The real wounds

The mirror

Reflected

I feel

Oh God!

How huge

Complex

And painful

How so

Overwhelming

They seem!

But till recently

So did

Their mirrors


102/117

98

Prisoners of Something More

I am NOT such and so!

How DARE you!

How COULD you!

I of ALL people!

Youre WRONG!

In FACT

Those are the things

That I NEVER do!

ALL of those

I NEVER do!

Almost

With WHOM? But HOW?

Those HORRIBLE things?

That SOME PEOPLE do?

NOT ME!

I DONT!

NEVER do

Except when YOU make me so


103/117

99

MAD!

Except when I get

Mad

At YOU!

At people

Or car doors

When they make me

I make me

I make

Me

Make me

I DO!

Gosh I DO them!

Those HORRIBLE things!

What a HORRIBLE person!

I AM!

JUST LIKE!

HORRIBLE!

OTHER!


104/117

100

PEOPLE!

That

I am NOT like!

On PURPOSE!!!

Okay Im like them

But only with YOU!

Because

You MAKE me!

So therefore

I hate you

For how

You MAKE me

Feel.

You

Make

Me

Feel


105/117

101

Okay Lover

Okay lover heres the deal

Were going back there again

It seems

To that place

Where you know

We had problems

We like it because its so

Scary, or

Thrilling

Our feelings are strong there

So here

Is my offer

If you like

We can try

When we get there again, when

You do that

Do that and before


106/117


107/117

103

So I choose

To sit down

And rename things

Like motives

And faces

And persons

And reasons

And trust you

Will mind

Your own monsters

When we talk about it later

Lets be further than before


108/117

104

Better Than

Here is your problem

The way that I see it

You do things

That are clearly

Sick

In these ways

For those reasons

So there

Are your issues

Inside you

That I can see

Better

Than you

You see?

Like I said

Youre getting all

Triggered


109/117

105

By issues that

Make you

Not see

Your pain

The way

I do

If youd take in my

Words while

Ignoring your

Pain

For one moment

Youd see

What Im saying

See what I say


110/117

106

Nothing Naked Underneath

Feel it, let it fade

Feel it, let it fade

Raise it, let it fall

Let it fall

Two wounded wounders

Clad armed and crouching

Nothing

Naked underneath

Our armor is perfect

Deflects every weapon

We love it so dearly

Each blow threatens death

To the death

We protect

Our steel casing


111/117

107

Let it fall, let it fall

And the weirdest thing happens

The weapons approaching

Still stop where they did

Just inches above

Our unguarded frailty

The weapons still stop

At the old armors border

The war cannot

Come any

Closer

It doesnt

Quite

Reach

Us

Never

Did


112/117

108

I Analyze Only to Admire

I analyze

Only to admire

You

Special One

And much else besides

I stoked your exhaustion

Which touched off your worry

Which fanned such anxiety

Confusion, and fear

Erupting

As rage

Lasting days

I recall

But

I analyze only to admire

So


113/117

109

How courageous you were

With your own special Someones

In that ancient household

In chaotic times

Passed around Someones

How heroic your choice to

Hold rage and frustration

As tight as you could

For just ages

And in your long climb

To a much safer place

With distress and disorder

Consuming your mind

How powerful

Astonishing

You were to keep going

With all of those fires

Still burning

Inside


114/117

110

Beloved, you are a hero

And I

Thank God

I turned out just

Like you

Thank God

For beautiful

Mirrors


115/117

111

Safety

I want you to know

I see what I did

What I thought you did

To me

You did

Whatever

You did

I know

Its yours

To see how you see

I

See what I did

What spooked me just now

Next time it pops up

Ill be better


116/117


117/117

Soon

I know

Ill be finally

Ready

To do

What I know

I will see

Through my pain

the judgment is the mirror: a self-help book disguised as poetry

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