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The King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover in the
Opposite Sex:How to Instantly Recognize Your One True Life Partner
By
Paul Dobransky, M.D.
1777 Larimer St. #511
Denver, CO 80202
Copyright, 1999 Paul Dobransky, M.D.
TM, 1999, Paul Dobransky, M.D.
Mind OS, the Operating System of the Human Mind, TM 2004,
Copyright 1999, Paul Dobransky M.D.
All Rights Reserved
No unauthorized reproduction, sale, use, or incorporation into other material,
seminars, CD, DVD, tape, or other media in part or in whole is permitted without the
express written consent of Paul Dobransky M.D. Use limited to private use when
permitted by Paul Dobransky, M.D.
Inquiries 720.201.6180 or [email protected]
www.doctorpaul.net
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Foreword…………………………………………………………….…………..1
PART I: The Most Useful Story You’ll Ever Hear
Chapter 1 The King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover…..………………………..7
Chapter 2 Finding Your Temperament…………..……….………………..…...15
Chapter 3 Assessing Your Challenges in Personal Growth.…….……………...21
Chapter 4 Wholeness of Personality: How to Find Psychological Integration…24
PART II: The Most Powerful Story You’ll Ever Live
Chapter 5 Opposites Not Only Attract, They Complete…………………….….26
Chapter 6 Reading the Temperament of the Opposite Sex, Your Partners,
Opponents, Competitors, and Friends.………………………………29
Chapter 7 A Perfect Team, Perfect Mastermind Group,
and Perfect Marriage…........................................................................33
Chapter 8 Final Advice: Choose Wisely in the First Three Seconds…………..43
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Foreword
This is the most powerful story for romance, business, and social power you will
ever read. It is a concept so easy to understand and practice in your everyday life that
you will kick yourself for never realizing it. And this story must be read symbolically,
looking for hidden meanings in order to fully grasp its power.
If I am offering you a massive and powerful psychological secret here—one that
above all others will make your life more powerful for the rest of your life—then why is
this book so short for even this modest price? Simple. The ideas you are about to
encounter are definable as elegant.
In science, the term “elegant” does not mean “stylish” or “expensive” as in the
fashion industry. It means “complex and useful ideas conveyed in the simplest, practical
form”. Just because an idea is elegant and easy to grasp does not mean that it is simple.
To the contrary. Do you find that Windows Operating System on a computer is easy to
use? Certainly. But is it “simple”? NO! Underneath the pretty colors and mouseclicks
and graphics there is incredibly complex “machine code” that only a software engineer
would understand. Windows OS is scientifically “elegant”.
What makes a concept elegant is the accurate use of symbolism. Consider what a
symbol is. Really, stop and think right now… What is a “symbol”? It is an easy to
understand idea, shape, graphic or even a single word that represents a multitude of other
characteristics. It is an economical way to communicate thousands or millions of ideas to
others in a quick easy way.
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A common positive example is the Christian cross. The cross does not only
represent the crucifixion of Jesus, but ALL the teachings of his life you have read in the
Bible, ALL the teachings and words he said. It represents the promise of eternal life for
Christians and the exact instructions and pathways to that eternal life. What an
impressive symbol, taking up barely a centimeter on a page, but communicating volumes
and lifetimes of instruction and meaning! And what emotion it carries.
A negative example of a symbol is the Nazi swastika. The Swastika represents
the evil teachings of a single man, Hitler, which spread through an evil empire that
almost took over the entire world. It represents the suffering of millions upon millions
who struggled or died fighting that evil, and is a reminder to all the world and to whole
cultures the perils of mindlessly following a dictator. What volumes of instruction on
evil are contained in that simple symbol. What emotion it evokes toward the darkest
human negative.
In this brief but powerful work, we can understand how to instantly understand
the basic nature of other people we encounter, what they are likely to prefer in life, what
methods THEY use to navigate life, and how they are likely to get along or not get along
with US.
Karl Jung, the psychoanalyst successor to Freud first described four components
to the mature masculine nature of men. Since Jung’s work was about looking to the
symbolic in human psychology, he chose four symbols representing masculinity in
medieval times—the King, the Warrior, the Magician, and the Lover, or Poet.
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No tool could be more useful than a collection of ALL POSSIBLE components of
the core of human nature. Now you have likely heard of the Myers-Briggs Personality or
Type Indicator from job trainings or surveys you have taken. You may also have heard
of the Keirsey test which is in the same vein of human personality assessment.
What you are about to learn is far more. For the MBTI and Keirsey tests take
Jungian Psychology and assume that these personality features are UNCHANGABLE
and last our lifetimes. In effect, human beings are DOOMED to remain stuck in the same
type of personality.
I don’t believe that, and many psychoanalysts don’t. If you look at the original
ideas of Freud, Jung, and the successors to them in the form of all the therapy schools
that exist today, there is a way to synthesize them together into one model. You may
even find that these psychological ideas are perfectly in tune with those of the world’s
major religions. They are all instruction on what is called “character growth”, or
Personal Growth.
We are all born into what is called a Temperament, and THAT is what we are
stuck with for life. Jung postulated the King, the Warrior, the Magician, and the Lover,
as four possible Temperaments that compose us. But psychoanalysts also know that
human beings are capable of growth, (or else their profession would not even exist).
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We are born with a temperament, but charged in life with growing a mature
personality around that temperament. At any stage in life we can “refuse the call” as
Joseph Campbell once called it. We can become emotionally and intellectually arrested
and stop growing for a time. Regardless, if we are to achieve the highest potential we are
capable of, if we are to find true fulfillment in life, love, business, or any other
worthwhile endeavor, we will have to take that one temperament we were born into and
acquire the skills of THE OTHER THREE TEMPERAMENTS we are missing. This
very process is called psychological integration.
My aim in this book is to show you how necessary and joyful it is to have others
involved in our personal growth process and us to be involved in theirs. Whether in
business, friendship or that thing we call love, this is the magic—this is the SPARK of
human relationships. As has been said in every well-loved romantic comedy, in one way
or another, we can find it inescapable to say to those we respect and love, “You complete
me. You complete me.”
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PART I: The Most Useful Story You’ll Ever Hear
Chapter 1 The King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover
Once upon a time there was a land in chaos, full of much war and strife, and
confusion, starvation, disease, and unhappiness.
There in that land lived in widely distant borders, a King with no people to lead or
govern, a Warrior with no people to protect or serve, a Magician with no people to
entertain with tricks or discover new magic for, and a Lover, a Poet, for whom there was
no one to write stories for, or nurture with songs and hugs. Even as all the population in
the middle lands suffered, the four were very lonely out at the borders of their land, each
solitary and starving for a real life and sense of belonging.
Now what made the King, a King was not having a people to lead, but having a
basic nature of being very wise, thoughtful and patient, a natural born nurturing teacher, a
problem-solver, an astute director of others. A King is nurturing, and logical, or “left-
brained”.
What made a Warrior, a Warrior was not having a people to protect and serve, but
having a basic nature of goal-directed, targeted action to him. A Warrior was brave,
daring, but shrewd, and always the first to dive into a conflict and quickly solve it with
force and skill. A Warrior is impulsive and action-oriented, unlike the patient King, but
logical, or “left-brained”, JUST like the King.
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Furthermore, what made a Magician, a Magician was not having a people to
entertain, or people to discover new magic for, but rather having a basic nature of
spontaneous action to him—a gift at spectacle and celebration, the ultimate creative
ability to think “on his feet”, and to dive into the unknown and figure out solutions as he
goes. The Magician was similar to the Warrior only in his impulsive, quick willingness
to take action, but his mental ways were very different from both Warrior and King. The
Magician is not targeted or even logical necessarily, but rather intellectually flexible and
creative, willing to make magic out of whatever is in front of him. He is “Right-brained”.
In fact, the ways of the King were the most foreign thing of all to the Magician—
they were exact opposites in temperament—the Magician was both action-prone and
spontaneous, while the King was more slow-to-act, nurturing, and logically inflexible
with his thinking—judgemental you might even say, in comparison with the Magician’s
acceptance of all that is.
And finally, the Lover was a Lover because he was a dreamy Poet who enjoyed
nurturing all things, especially people, while there were none to be found. He was a lover
because his heart was nurturing and his mind was creative, poetic, passively spontaneous,
and “right-brained”.
Well, one day, the Warrior became so lonely that he set out in search for others in
the north-west province, where the King waited for a people to lead. He found the King
there and asked him why it was that he so passively waited for a people to lead.
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The King responded that he didn’t know the answer as yet, just that a King needs
to be asked to lead. They talked on for quite some time about how nice it would be to
have a people to lead and protect, analyzing all the reasons they were alone, the ups and
downs of setting out for some other part of the territory.
Soon, the Warrior could see how wise and kind and nurturing the King was, some
of the things that the Warrior by nature was not, and he grew to appreciate and love his
new King. The King as well was impressed by the Warrior, and noticed that they could
“speak the same language” of what a good kingdom needs—a logical, sensible way about
his new friend.
But more than anything, the King began to feel an emotional bond to his new
Warrior friend and subject. He noticed that the action-prone willingness to dive into
adventure was something to greatly admire, and something that the patient, careful, wise
King himself, did not have as part of his basic nature.
They had become a team, a King with a subject to lead, and a Warrior with a King
to protect. And they were a bit happier. The Warrior suggested a venture to the south-
east province to search for more people, and after due thought and consideration, the
King finally agreed as long as his fierce friend was there to protect him.
As they set out across many hundred miles, the King and the Warrior had many
difficult challenges—a great, wide river to cross, a mountain range to scale, and wild
animals both deadly and potentially good to eat.
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As they faced their challenges they were often unhappy, for they were not very
creative as a team, often enduring the hardships of adventure. They ended up quite
waterlogged by the river, cold on the mountain, and while the Warrior was quite adept at
hunting meat for them, they sometimes fell into perilous danger from the beasts hiding in
the woods. And often they would escape purely by virtue of the King’s cunning of past
experience or the Warrior’s brute strength. They weren’t very good at planning for the
future, or inventing new transportation, creative ways out of trouble, or entertaining each
other with stories, but at least they had each other.
And on some occasions when they WOULD encounter new people, those people
would be frightened or otherwise lay siege to them, attacking them. And so the King and
Warrior became quite tough, paranoid of others, and would tend to strike first, and ask
questions second, offending the few inhabitants of the land that they did encounter.
Finally one day, after a perilous journey, they reached the south-east province,
and there, high in the trees watching them, was the Magician. He descended upon them
in a puff of smoke.
The King was clearly rattled by this and the Warrior took up his arms to fight, but
the Magician just kept disappearing from wherever the Warrior would strike. Finally,
laughing on the ground, and to the great annoyance of the Warrior, the Magician spoke.
He asked them what it was they were to accomplish in attacking people before
getting to know what their intentions were, and why it was that the King was marching
into the territory of others, demanding to rule over them without taking in all there is to
know about them. This greatly offended the King, and he asked the Magician who he
thought he was to describe the right way to rule a kingdom.
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The Magician replied that there are kingdoms beyond kingdoms beyond
kingdoms, and that to rule any of them one must first command the attention of the
people and offer them something like magic or entertainment.
The King did not scoff at this advice as he may have in his youth, but rather
thought silently for awhile. Then he said that he wondered why it was that the Magician
had no one in his life either, and was not the leader of anything.
The Magician responded that of all the wonderful magic he knew, he did not
know the answer to that question.
And the King said that perhaps to have a people to lead or entertain, one has to go
to where the people ARE, and stop floating around aimlessly in the trees of a wild forest.
The Magician raised his brow.
Furthermore, the King said, perhaps you should get more organized and have
some discipline to reach your goal of having people to work magic for.
And the Magician came to admire the King’s wisdom, and the King came to
admire the Magician’s creativity and spontaneous willingness to take action on a quest
for their dreams—to have a kingdom of many people, and a happy one at that. Finally,
the Magician proposed that more people must simply exist in the center of the land, and
they should journey there, but not without one other team member.
The Warrior felt a great sense of competitiveness with the Magician and was not
so emotionally attached to him as the King was becoming. In part it was out of jealousy
for the King’s attention, and in part it was simply that they were emotionally similar—
both Magician and Warrior willing to dive into action, though with different methods.
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The King taught them both that “like repels like”, and “opposites attract”, some of
the laws of physics, then it started to make more sense how their relationships to each
other were, and also why they were becoming such and effective team.
As they encountered the same obstacles in their journey toward the north-east
province, but toward its more central territory, there were rivers and snakes and bears,
and mountains as before. But the creative knowledge of the Magician seemed to
evaporate any trouble if it came up. In fact, he almost seemed able to predict the future,
and even invent tools and weapons, and methods of food preparation for travails they had
not even encountered yet. And sooner or later, they WOULD encounter them. There
was an ingenious bear-trap that would snag a bear without hurting it, put it to sleep
painlessly too, and cook it up for supper. There was the extendible river-bridge made of
strong reeds, and the miracle of miracles—the telescope made of shined quartz, homage
paid to the first inventor of it of course: Galileo.
They moved as a team at a brisk pace, and the Magician would demonstrate
exactly what he meant about attracting a kingdom to lead and enjoy. He would put on
festivals, extravaganzas to attract many from the countryside. But once the show was
over, many would disperse, often under the threatening presence of the Warrior whom
had become very impatient, hostile, and abruptly would ask them to join their kingdom or
face loss of life or limb.
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The King would explain to the Warrior that this is not the way to attract a
kingdom to protect. After all, do they want to be protected by someone who first was
threatening them? As a team, the three were rather successful and moderately happy, but
the Warrior most certainly was not—he was depressed. He did not impress the King as
much anymore as did the Magician now. And he certainly didn’t impress the Magician
as much as the King did. No, the Warrior wanted to be more appreciated.
The Magician, with his fantastic intuition, picked up on this, and suggested that
the whole reason they were journeying to the north-east province was to find a fourth
member for their team, a man who was known as a Poet and Lover.
“What good would such a man be?” shouted the Warrior.
The Magician said that such a man would round out their team perfectly, and
while strange to the Warrior, the Lover/Poet would be his exact opposite—a kind,
nurturing man like the King, but one full of creativity and spontaneity like the Magician.
A man to tell stories to be remembered, stories that would give the Warrior a reason to
fight, a moral resolve, and a dream to follow in his Warriorly way.
“I might be interested in some inspiration and appreciation from others”, the
Warrior said.
“You will have it”, the Magician said. And when they found the Lover/Poet to
join them, the Warrior did find him strange at first, but soon became very attached to this
new friend—for beyond telling him stories of glory that inspired him, the Poet also told
comic tales that made the Warrior laugh hysterically like no other friend ever could.
And all were truly happy as a team now.
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In the center of the land, not on its fringes any more, the four friends did form the
basis for a government, a company of brothers, a true team that was amazing in its ability
to attract people to join their kingdom.
And soon, the spectacle of the Magician would bring them from far and wide, the
wisdom of the King would keep them listening in agreement for hours on end, the stories
of the Poet would soothe them and give them comfort, and the Warrior would feed them
with the fruits of the hunt, defending them from marauders. And many many more
would join this powerful group of four friends, a true, happy kingdom at last, never to be
alone again.
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Chapter 2 Finding Your Temperament
The power of this tale rests in the fact that the King nature, Warrior nature,
Magician nature, and Lover/Poet nature are in all men. We have that “perfect team of
four” inside us all, and yet we are still imperfect, because we are off balance in them.
You see, we are all born into what is called a temperament, a starting point in life
for our character. We all begin life as either a natural-born King, Warrior, Magician, or
Lover. Think about it. Every male friend you have strikes you as being more of one of
these four things than the others.
When you read the medieval tale above, did you notice yourself taking one of the
four roles in the kingdom? And did you admire a different character from the one most
like YOU? If not, then read the story again. It is a tool to help you find your own native
temperament.
You may find that you have a liking for two of the characters, but one of them
will be even more YOU than the other.
KINGS
The King in the male temperament is a symbol that carries with it all the meaning
of the role a medieval king takes. This is someone who likes to lead but doesn’t like to
be the worker-bee who gets his hands dirty with his own commands. The King-type
person likes to give order to things, to nurture his possessions and others in his vicinity,
especially when it comes to knowledge and wisdom.
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The King spends much of the time in his own head, is slow and deliberate in
making decisions, fair and just in those decisions if they affect others, and is very
emotionally nurturing. You might even say he is “motherly”, watching over his
kingdom.
These people obviously like to be “nesters”, taking great pride, time and energy in
setting up their homes (and going to Home Depot to do so). They like having houseguests
even as kings of olde loved having a “court”, where “courtesans” would gather to have
intellectual meetings of the minds, make treaties, and have celebration and feasting. In
fact, the King in the male nature is most often the Peacemaker among friends and family,
the adviser to others, and the planner and maker of rules in a team.
Is this you? It is for the largest segment of the public. This is the most common
Jungian Temperament.
WARRIORS
The Warrior in human nature is that temperament or part of us that is very driven,
goal-directed, and action prone in a focused way. These are can-do people of great
discipline. They may lack a bit of nurturing nature to them, but instead would be found
to be fatherly dispensing fatherly emotion to others, rousing them up in calls to action.
They tell us, “Son, go out into the world and make something of yourself. I did it and so
can you!”
Think of what the symbol, Warrior, means. It is the fighter, the protector, the
soldier, the policeman and enforcer of society. Do you know any people among your
friends who take this role without hesitation or question? Is it YOU?
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Warriors of olde might love a feast, nourishment before going into battle, and are
quick and precise in waging those battles. They may often have few, very loyal friends
and live by a code of honor that does not fear death. This is the chubby, muscular guy
you know who shaves his head and has tattoos. And he is the one who says, “When you
want something done you have to do it yourself.”
He loves the outdoors and is an avid camper, drag-racer, sportsman, and maybe
even survivalist. Do you prefer these characteristics? Then you may be a Warrior at
heart.
LOVERS
These are the poets, shy musicians, Grateful-dead-following, peace-loving, sign-
holding, granola-eating, tree-huggers of the world. Maybe that description is a bit much.
But these are the nurturing artists and idea people of the world. They tell stories to others
to entertain or teach lessons. They champion the underdog, though they themselves are
more likely to write books about underdogs than to go to battle to defend them.
They are motherly and creative, and without them, a kingdom becomes stale and
humorless. They are most certainly the fools and court jesters of the world. But if you
are a reader of Shakespeare, then you know that fools are often the most crafty of the
king’s court. They often hide a special kind of wisdom—one that can put others to
shame in an instant of humor. You might even say they are the Jay Lenos out there.
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Lovers in the human temperament are receptive, and good listeners. Those of you
who know about Neurolinguistic Programming may also know them as “kinesthetic
people” who are very in tune with emotion and the spiritual around us. They are fewer in
number than Kings or Warriors, but they are sorely needed in civilization, especially in
times of conflict, war, or scarcity.
MAGICIANS
The Magicians of the world are the scarcest of all. Perhaps that is part of why we
idolize them so much. These are the physical performers, adventurers, innovators, actors,
dancers, and to a frequent degree, political leaders today. They are the “stars”, who are
always the center of attention, the inspired speakers who rouse the public or team up to
achieve lofty ideals. They are different from Warriors in that they are far more creative,
though they DO have the same kind of emotional energy—that of good fathers
Magicians are often confident in being alone, and may disappear from your social
vicinity as quickly as they appear. They are multitaskers, optimists against daunting
odds, the “visionaries” of any company or team, and they are very desired by women.
These people are the highest paid, most honored by society, and often reap the
most rewards in life. But they cannot do it alone. Because each of the Jungian
Temperaments has a “dark side”.
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THE DARK SIDE
The Dark Side of the King is a “tyrant”—someone both bossy and passive, a
“prima donna”, a “battle axe”, a “pompous jerk”. You see the Dark Side arises from
remaining childish in your temperament, or in other words, not having incorporated much
at all of any of the other three temperaments. If you are a King but don’t have a bit of
training in being a Warrior, Lover or Magician, then you will tend to ignore the rights and
experience of those three, and won’t be able to communicate well to them.
If you are a King and the boss of a company, your employees will turn on you and
quit if you succumb to the tyrannical dark side.
The Dark Side of the Warrior is a bloodthirsty “destroyer” who pummels
everything in his way. He has a bad temper and no friends. He is selfish and has no
mercy in him, no humor either.
The Dark Side of the Lover is a desperate, clingy, “dependent” person, like the
character played by Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. This immature Lover will suck the
life out of everyone around him, worrying, whining, complaining, and finding himself
alone when he of all people could have the most friends.
The Dark Side of the Magician is perhaps the most terrible of all. He is the evil
genius, the madman, the creative despot—the multitasking, creative, politically powerful
leader—the Hitlers and Saddam Husseins.
By now you may notice that your temperament falls into one of these four
categories—King, Warrior, Magician, or Lover. Perhaps you have a second, lesser
preference.
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That may be because human beings can’t be thrown in little boxes with labels on
them, but rather, life on SPECTRUMS OF BEHAVIOR.
So here is some more incredible magic for you. Have you ever heard of the
layperson’s description of the “human soul”? We often say we are made of “heart” and
“mind”.
Well, what if you were to take two “spectrums” of human behavior and cross
them? Do you know what lies between the two poles of any spectrum? The answer is
everything. That’s right—all you need to know are the two POLES.
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Chapter 3 Assessing Your Challenges in Personal Growth
This is the “elegant science” behind this seemingly simple story of a King,
Warrior, Magician, and Lover.
There is a spectrum of the cognitive, meaning the “arrangement of data” which
has been described as “left-brained” at one pole and “right-brained” at the other. Left-
brained means logical, orderly, precise, history-oriented, evidence-based, and detailed
arrangement of data. Right-brained means creative, artistic, chaotically-arranged,
multitasking, and free-associative in the arrangement of data. It is where all art, humor,
and entertainment come from, as those things always take unrelated ideas and somehow
show a connection between them.
There is a second human spectrum of emotion, from passive and motherly, to
action-prone and fatherly.
When you cross these two spectra, ALL HUMAN BEHAVIOR is contained
within the circle circumscribing their poles. And when you think of how human
temperament and personality work, they are represented as ZONES or QUADRANTS
within that circle.
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We grow from the imbalanced, childish, immature outer reaches of the circle,
toward a balance of the four temperaments more toward the interior of the circle.
Consider all the personality traits that are expressed in each single word—King,
Warrior, Magician, and Lover/Poet. Although we are each born into one of these Jungian
Temperaments, we are charged with growing ability at the other three as we go through
the challenges of life. In the process, we strive for what psychoanalysts call integration
of the four qualities.
Well, guess what? Women are born into the same temperaments as well, only
into feminized versions. You might think—Queen, Warrior, Magician, and Lover/Poet
for women as well.
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You see, our psychology is made up of both “heart” and “mind”.
Then if this circle represented the psychological land that we learned about in the
story above, the King would live in the north-west quadrant, where left-brained nurturing
resides. The Warrior would live in the south-west quadrant where left-brained, action-
prone people reside. The Magician would live in the south-east quadrant where right-
brained, action-prone people reside, and the Lover/Poet would live in the north-east
quadrant where right-brained nurturing people reside.
The King and the Magician are opposites in psychological skill then, and
Warriors and Poet/Lovers are opposite in psychological makeup too. So these two
pairings are very foreign and strange to each other, then. They are both intellectual and
emotional opposites, and yet are the very kind of people you need more of in your life if
you are ever to have your own kingdom.
Our challenge in reaching psychological integration then is to grow the other three
skills we lack. If we do so, then we have a full, rich, complete personality that can be
difficult to detect as having just one of the temperaments. What this means is that the
healthiest people you will meet can appear to be any of the four temperaments.
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Chapter 4 Wholeness of Personality: How to Find
Psychological Integration
The quickest way to wholeness of your personality is to cultivate the traits of the
opposite temperament of your own.
KINGS are the opposite temperament of MAGICIANS.
LOVERS are the opposite temperament of WARRIORS.
For a King to be growing toward his fullest potential he needs to grow a great deal
more skilled at the abilities of a Magician, and a bit of skill as a Warrior and Lover.
For a Warrior to reach his full potential, he needs to grow more ability at being a
Lover, and to a degree, some Kingly traits and Magicianly traits.
For a Magician to reach his full potential as an “integrated man”, he needs to
grow more ability to be wise, patient, thoughtful, and nurturing like a King, and perhaps a
bit of Warrior skill and the poetic, storytelling nature of a Lover.
And finally, for the Lover to reach integration, he definitely needs ot learn to fight
like a Warrior, and perhaps grow some wisdom of a King and Magic of a Magician.
If you recall the importance of “heeding the call to adventure” talked about by
Joseph Campbell in The Hero’s Journey, then you can see what is before us. Life is an
adventure where we pass the tests of learning the other three temperaments we lack. The
Lover’s greatest challenge is to fight and win. The Warrior’s greatest challenge is to
learn to love, and have humor and mercy. The Magician’s challenge is to rein in his
magic and harness it with Kingly wisdom. And the King’s challenge is to let loose and
celebrate, to think big, like a visionary magician, and act on that vision.
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You will see these same struggles and victories endlessless in literature, film, the
greatest stories of all time, and including your own.
YOU are on the Hero’s Journey. And no hero can make it alone. He will need
helpers and advisors, and inspiring maidens and handsome Knights to live a story worth
telling again to your grandchildren.
Now is the time you have been waiting for. For that perfect mate, that bride, that
husband, has been waiting for YOU.
You will need to surrender yourself to the story of your life.
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PART II: The Most Powerful Story You’ll Ever Live
Chapter 5 Opposites Not Only Attract, They Complete
As you saw in the story of the King, Warrior, Magician and Lover, if you pair up
with your opposite temperament, you are guaranteed to have all the skills needed on a
healthy team. You will naturally, effortlessly make each other grow intellectually,
emotionally, and spiritually.
If you are by nature, a King, then going out with a Queen-type girl will NOT
make you grow as a person. It will always be a conflict, a struggle to get along and make
each other happy. You are too similar, and even if it is not doomed to fail as a
relationship, it at the very least will not be the happiest most magical relationship you
could have.
Likewise, a Magician going out with a Magician will not make each other grow.
Neither will a Lover going out with a Lover, nor a Warrior with a Warrior. Opposites
attract and you need your opposite to have all the relationship skills needed to navigate
life in one, self-contained unit.
Have you ever known a couple that have an “okay” relationship, or one you knew
would end some day even if they didn’t? Of course you have. I can tell you for a fact
you were looking at a King with a Queen (the MacBeths), a Warrior with a Warrior
(Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner in the War of the Roses), a Magician with a
Magician (Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love), or a Lover with a Lover (Romeo and Juliet).
On that last one don’t forget Shakespeare meant it as a tragedy!
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I’ll also bet you have known a couple that was likely to last years or even a
lifetime, but in an “average” relationship, one that lacked SPARK or inspiration or
passion, but it still “worked”. I guarantee those relationships were “adjacent” to each
other on the Map of the Human Psyche I just showed you. These are a King and a
Warrior, a Lover and Magician, a King and a Lover, or a Magician and a Warrior
together.
These are the fate of half of marriages (the ones that last a few years). You see,
these pairings do offer each other personal growth, but a very limited amount since they
SHARE either the same intellectual or the same emotional nature.
A King with a Lover is an emotionally stale, passive, connection only kept
together by interesting intellectual conversation and humor—no emotional connection.
These two end up being married “friends”. The same is also true of the Magician and
Warrior pairing—both full of fatherly energy and lacking soft, nurturing ability like Bill
and Hilary Clinton, or Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. The latter are a very active
couple with brilliant ideas and intellectual teamwork, but lacking emotional
complementarity.
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A King with a Warrior has a tight emotional bond that is complementary, but they
are prone to fight since they see things intellectually the same and there is a lack of
creativity and humor in their pairing. The same is true of the Magician and Lover
combination—they have an emotional bond of masculine and feminine energy but lack
an intellectual connection since they both think in a disorganized, chaotic but creative
way. This latter couple has humor to share but is likely to not plan very well (both
lacking left-brained ability) and so may find themselves breaking up over money poorly
managed or a lack of slow attainment of realistic goals.
Ah, but that special pairing that feels like once in a lifetime—your soulmate—can
only come from your cognitive-emotionally opposite temperament. If you look at the
circle again you will see that for a King, only a Magician will do, for a Lover, only a
Warrior will do, and only your opposite can pull you toward the center of personal
growth that is called INTEGRATION. You truly “complete each other”.
Better learn to recognize your perfect opposite.
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Chapter 6 Reading the Temperament of the Opposite Sex,
Your Partners, Opponents, Competitors, and Friends
What if you practice daily at “reading” other people’s temperaments? You would
become very powerful in business and romance. Why? Because you would learn first of
all whom you are best teamed with, and second of all, how to communicate with anyone
you meet.
For a King to get along with a Lover takes a bit of WORK. And for a King to get
along with a King (or Queen) takes a huge amount of WORK. But the relations between
a King and Magician are EFFORTLESS. Just by virtue of their innate temperaments,
Kings and Magicians naturally make each other grow simply by BEING THEMSELVES.
The same is true of the Warrior/Lover pairing.
Have you ever found yourself trying too hard in dating or marriage, and burning
energy trying to be something you are not, just to please your partner, spouse, boss or
employee? Of course you have, and this is called “codependence”, where two people try
to please each other with resources they don’t even have.
With your temperament’s opposite, you don’t have to pretend, fake it, or waste
energy, because WHOM YOU ARE IS EXACTLY WHOM THEY NEED AND WANT.
In business, you may want to “defeat an opponent” or competitor. To do that is
easy—simple stop them from growing by giving them more of their same basic nature.
To make a King fail, just give him more passive emotion—mother him—and give him
logical data to work with.. You’ll ensure he doesn’t grow.
To defeat a Warrior, give him even more fighting instead of song, story, and
love—the gifts of a Lover. Let him get angry, fuel his fires, and let him exhaust himself
for lack of nurturing emotion and creative ideas.
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To defeat a Magician, let him get confused and evermore creative without any
structure and guidance. Let his own magic and impulsiveness spin him out of control—
encourage him to go off the deep end intellectually in crazy, scatterbrained ideas, and off
the emotional deep end in crazy, impulsive activity and overloaded multitasking.
To defeat a Lover, cut him off from his own power of assertiveness and courage.
Let him be babied and mothered into passive inactivity.
Well, hopefully you don’t go about your way in the world only trying to defeat
others, but rather to team up with them to get the most out of your career, your romance
and your life.
Learn to read other people using the original story of the King, Warrior,
Magician, and Lover and you will soon become a leader rather than a straggler. Help a
King become more Magicianly and he will reward you back. Help a Warrior become
more Loverly, a Magician become more Kingly, and a Lover become more like a Warrior
and you will have devoted fans for life. But if they are not your opposite, don’t marry
them or permanently pair up with them in business. Team with them, but make them an
ally rather than a hoped-for soulmate or perfect genius business partner.
In romance, let’s look at how to read a woman.
QUEENS
The equivalent of a King in female form is a Queen. She is passive and holds
back emotionally and intellectually, observing her environs and gathering information
before making a decision. She is waiting to be courted, to be entertained, to be made to
laugh. She herself may not find that humor comes naturally.
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She is however a good leader and mother, an organized Martha Stewart
potentially, a prima donna at worst, and you can count on one thing—she will wait til the
cows come home before she will pursue YOU. YOU will have to do the work to pursue.
She will organize you and tell you what is of good taste, then command you to go
out and make a living for her. She will direct you and offer you kind advice and
nurturing. She will have dreams of growing more creative herself and will expect you to
add to her life in that department. If you are a Magician, she is YOURS!
WARRIOR WOMEN
She is a sporty type, easy to climb mountains or camp outdoors. She is athletic
and has a great body if healthy and disciplined, and if less mature and narcissistic, may be
overweight. Either way she has a hearty appetite. She has few friends and will defend
them to the end. She is action-prone and may work on her own car, rise rapidly in her
career through aggressive acts of targeted perfection, and she will bowl you over if you
double-cross her. She may not be very forgiving or even nurturing in the traditional
feminine sense, but if you are a Lover, a poet, a shy songwriter or novelist, she will love
you and defend you to the end too.
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MAGICIAN WOMEN
She is a hellion, a rebel, a loner/adventurer and seems to always be the center of
attention without effort. She has the best sense of humor of any woman you have
encountered, and she has dreams and plans that may take awhile to bear fruit, but when
they do, arrive in SPADES. She is a performer, and entertainer, a wizard, a miracle in
your life at best and a deceiver at worst. She has a motor always running and an
optimistic flair that is infectious. She may lack some nurturing ability, but makes up for
it in creativity and art. If you are an organized, planning, nurturing King who brings her
down to earth and are her audience of one, her cheerleader, she will love you forever.
LOVER WOMEN
She is shy, artsy, Grateful Dead-following and unshaven. Just kidding. But she
loves poetry and feminine things, pastel colors and feelings and tells tall tales and stories
to make you laugh and cry. She lets you do the work physically and loves to feed you,
expecting to be well-defended from the elements and dangers of the world in turn. She is
your inspiration, your damsel in distress, your flower, your delicate goddess. She sings,
and paints and loves animals. If you are a Warrior she will follow you to the ends of the
earth.
And now that you have found your OPPOSITE, your potential One True Partner,
your soulmate, you must prepare to make it work continually. She may not be so easy to
recognize at first glance, especially if she is psychologically healthy and integrated
herself.
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Chapter 7 A Perfect Team, Perfect Mastermind Group,
and Perfect Marriage
What to do if the person you are relating to is gifted at all the traits of a Queen, a
Warrior, a Magician, and a Lover? Well, you lucky guy—you have found a very healthy
and integrated woman! Perhaps you are the same yourself, and pretty self-sufficient.
Beware, for if you find someone who is deep-down a Queen by temperament and
you are a King, then although the relationship may last many years, you sooner or later
may find that you drain each other or wear each other down.
Look at the circle diagram again. You will see that two people in the same
quadrant have only two choices in their growth:
1. Grow on one’s own effort, moving toward the center which is
integration, and do so in parallel to each other, sort of hand-in-hand
looking at the same direction. This can be lonely, leaving you to
wonder, “what is it that this person offers me?”
2. Struggle against each other, using each other, where one will eventually
“push off” the other in order to propel oneself toward the center. This is
once again called codependence.
If you look at these two scenarios you will see that even when we have a full tank
of all the four temperaments, that if we pair up with someone who is much like ourselves,
we eventually drain each other or wear each other down. It is unavoidable if we are very
isolated as a couple.
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This explains why many people absolutely have to strike a balance between
relationship and friendships and hobbies. One or both people have to go outside the
relationship to “recharge the batteries”, bringing new energy or ideas back to the home.
However, if you are Jungian opposites, you would actually be able to survive on a
desert island together, without friends, hobbies or outside interests. People who are
opposites go outside the relationship to pursue things not out of necessity but to enrich
the relationship further.
Not so of codependent couples or those mismatched in temperament. They
HAVE to go out with friends or in hobbies to replenish themselves.
The same is true in business partnerships or any “mastermind group”, that idea
coined by Napoleon Hill—which says that you get more out of a team with similar
dreams as you than you ever could alone.
Identify warning signs that you are of the same temperament by observing for if
the person uses you, puts you down to build themselves up, relies on you ALL the time
and never shares the emotional or intellectual burden, or otherwise reveals that you are
not a self-contained sufficient unit as a couple, partnering, or team.
To have the perfect marriage, partnership, or team, find some one your opposite,
who seems to complement you in that what you are not good at, they ARE. What they
need help with, you can do NATURALLY just by being YOU.
A King needs a Magician and a Warrior needs a Lover. And if a team in
business, sports, conflict, war, creativity or any other kind of human gathering is
composed of an equal number of Kings, Warriors, Magicians, and Lovers, then you have
a formidable force on your hands.
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THREE WAYS OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
There is a way of understanding relationships and avoiding codependence and
other kinds of relationships that are WRONG for you. When you add this technique to
the concept of KWML temperaments, you are very near a perfect understanding of
relationship dynamics. That method has to do with a psychological concept called
Interpersonal Boundaries.
The notion of a personal boundary is very easy to understand. We all have an
invisible sphere around us that marks our psychological territory. What is inside it is in
our control and what is outside it is not. What is inside our boundary belongs to us and
can never be taken away—our ideas, beliefs, emotions, and free will to make decisions.
What is outside our boundary is not our possession or right.
Think of the border of a country. When you cross a border into Canada or
Mexico, and look down, do you see a dotted line? NO. But if you cross that border
without a passport, are you likely to be stopped or have some other very real event
happen? YES.
The border of a country is invisible but REAL, just as your personal boundary is
invisible but REAL. In fact, all of psychology is invisible but REAL. Then doesn’t it
make sense to DRAW psychology rather than just being VERBAL about it, as in talk
therapy? I think so.
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If you examine a picture of a personal boundary you’ll learn something that drains
our self esteem and causes a great deal of stress and conflict. HOLES in our boundary.
We all have them and they are places where we have BLIND SPOTS in our behavior.
These are the places that we call our “buttons”, as in when “people press our buttons”.
We aren’t aware of them and other people ARE. When they are pressed, we feel bad or
hostile or anxious and we don’t know why, but other people often do.
Through these HOLES in out boundary we do something called SUFFERING.
Suffering is defined as “trying to control the uncontrollable”, or “refusing to accept NO
from the environment” or from other people.
So when we “suffer”, we burn energy and diminish our own self-esteem by
wasting energy on things we don’t control, including trying to control other people.
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Suffering happens every time we can’t accept the NO of rejection of others, or
when we can’t SAY NO to others. This in itself is the very state of CODEPENDENCE.
Rather than wasting our energy trying to control people and make them feel,
believe and do what we want them to, it is much better to change ourselves and make a
different kind of decision, feeling, or belief in our own lives in order to get things to go
more our way—then we are truly controlling what we DO control.
The biggest tipoff to suffering is this. It happens whenever you use the word
“SHOULD”. As in people SHOULD be courteous, traffic SHOULD move faster in
traffic, etc.
Now here are the three ways of being in a relationship I told you about:
1. INDEPENDENCE
2. INTIMACY in good health, or CODEPENDENCE in poor health
3. INTERDEPENDENCE
INDEPENDENCE happens when we are strangers or just getting to know a
person. We have DIFFERENT emotions, DIFFERENT beliefs and ideas, and
DIFFERENT DECISIONS we make—we find it easy to say NO and hear NO because
we barely know the other person. If you STAY in INDEPENDENCE however, you will
never truly know another person and you will STARVE to death or be very LONELY.
Just as a North Korea for example, having minimal interaction with the outside world and
having your people starve.
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However, as we get to know a person we may sense and emotional attraction
where our energies seem complementary. How KWML technology fits in is that both
Kings and Lovers have an abundance of a type of self-esteem called WELL-BEING, a
motherly kind of energy. And Warriors and Magicians have an abundance of
CONFIDENCE, a fatherly kind of emotional energy.
These two energies, Well-being and Confidence, make up what we call perfect
self-esteem, and they are opposite and complementary. This is why Kings are
emotionally attracted to Magicians and Warriors, but only Magicians offer the opposite
intellectual style of the Right-brainedness too.
Likewise, Lovers are emotionally attracted to Warriors and Magicians too, and
vice versa. Of course only Warriors offer Lovers the opposite intellectual style of Left-
brainedness and are perfect complements in a relationship.
When two people start with this emotional attraction, they may soon start to find
they also like each other’s intellect too—their ideas, beliefs and values. They find they
have similar political beliefs, religious beliefs, and taste in things like music. Now not
only do they like each other emotionally, they like each other intellectually too and can
have great conversation.
At this point they may find they want to DO things together, and so by default,
they are also SHARING DECISIONS. They are deciding to be on the same date at the
same time, go to the same marriage to each other, and have the same kids. I know this is
an accelerated process I am writing, but it illustrates the process of what you may call
INTIMACY.
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In this second way of being in a relationship, you might say that “boundaries have
broken down” and the two people are operating as ONE PERSON inside a SHARED
BOUNDARY that is TWICE AS BIG.
INTIMACY FEELS GREAT! Falling in love feels GREAT! Why? I just told
you—because without any effort at all you have just DOUBLED THE SIZE of your
boundary and therefore the amount that you control in the environment. You might feel
superhuman and capable of impossible things that you could not do on your own before.
This is INTIMACY. Love it.
But watch out for it. Too much intimacy so to speak, and too long a time in
intimacy without having your own outside interests, hobbies, friends and activity, and
you turn this mode of relationship to the “Dark Side” called CODEPENDENCE.
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In CODEPENDENCE you simply have poor boundaries, can’t say NO to each
other, can’t stand to hear your partner say NO to you, and you fear that if you DO
disagree in beliefs or sharing of emotion, that somehow the relationship is OVER. And
so people start lying, manipulating and deceiving in order to get what they want. They
start trying to control each other, trapped in a big bubble together with no protection
between them. This is like two countries isolating from the rest of the world—as if China
teamed with North Korea and did no trade or cultural exchange with any other country.
Sooner or later, one of the two people will start HOARDING RESOURCES in
their own corner of the boundary and the other person will put on more and more
fakeness and feel less and less themselves—with less and less self-esteem, until they are
“starving in the relationship”.
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Oftentimes at this point, the relationship breaks up or abuse happens, where one
person takes all the resources of the relationship and leaves the other person empty and
alone, depressed and anxious. (Which are the results of losing the two types of self
esteem).
A third mode of being in relationship is called INTERDEPENDENCE. This is a
way of having a COMMITMENT, but also being able to “agree to disagree”. This is
where someone may spend some time in INTIMACY with you, but other time in
INDEPENDENCE from you—having their own private hobbies, beliefs, and activities
that they can enjoy. These things can then be brought back into the relationship to make
it even richer. Think of it like two countries in a binding alliance that also do trade with
outside countries and cultures—this trade makes the culture of your relationship all the
richer.
I think that CODEPENDENCE is so rampant today because we have lost touch
with the notion of COMMITMENT—where even if we don’t get along for a time, or we
go off to do our own thing awhile in INDEPENDENCE, we still are duty bound to stay
together and find new commanality and grounds for harmony again.
Without COMMITMENT, separation and divorce or breaking up are too easy—
the only choices: INDEPENDENCE or CODEPENDENCE.
It doesn’t have to be that way when you have a mature relationship based on
INTERDEPENDENCE.
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If you are a King and Magician who have found each other and can do
INTERDEPENDENCE with solid mature boundaries, you have found perfection in your
team, marriage or partnership. And the same goes for an INTERDEPENDENT Lover
and Warrior.
If you are already a King in a relationship with a Queen, a Warrior with a
Warrior, a Lover with a Lover or a Magician with a Magician, you can spend great
amounts of time in INDEPENDENCE, fuelling up on ideas and emotion that you can’t
get from your partner, but alas, that is so hard, so time-consuming, and so often doomed
to failure.
The lesson we all seem to learn sooner or later is to CHOOSE WELL IN THE
FIRST PLACE. In fact, you may need to choose well in the first three seconds.
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Chapter 8 Choose Wisely in the First Three Seconds
Choose wisely in the first place and you can’t lose! It is time to dig into knowing
what TYPE of woman to shoot for in life, and what kind of partner to choose in business.
You will see how serendipity happens as if by magic when you have chosen the right
type of woman or partner in the first place!
We hope to save you the trouble of spending years in a relationship only to find
that it can’t possibly work out from the get-go. So choose wisely in the first place. IF
you are a King by nature, look for a Magician-woman, like an actress, or someone in
sales, advertising, PR, or innovative performance. If you are a Warrior, look for a
Lover/Poet-woman, like a writer or massage therapist or healer. If you are a Magician,
look for a Queen, like a teacher, accountant, or administrator. And if you are a
Lover/Poet, look for a Warrior-woman, like a police-woman, athlete, or hard-driving
businesswoman.
Find out the quality of their boundary. Are they able to say NO and hear NO
from you without being threatened? Are they trying to control you or do they let you be
yourself? Can they “agree to disagree”? I fyou find these out you may then know they
can be INTERDEPENDENT instead of only cold and INDEPENDENT or clingy or
abusive and therefore CODEPENDENT.
How many people do you know who have spent years struggling in a business, or
decades suffering in a marriage? We all know them, and it pains us. Maybe you are
already in this situation.
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There are many many many many books written on the self-help of relationships
and business, but NONE of them address this topic—they all seem to talk about how to
fix problems AFTER they arise. What I am proposing you do is to recognize the right
person to pair with and the right ones to AVOID in the first place if you want the easiest,
most perfect time of things for your business or relationship.
Where have you ever heard someone say CHOOSE RIGHT IN THE FIRST
THREE SECONDS? Well, you just heard it from ME. With enough practice, you can
learn to hone your skills of identifying a person’s Jungian Temperament down to three
seconds.
It all comes down to those four verbal symbols. Everything that a King represents
you will be able to see, feel, and hear in the first three seconds of meeting them.
Everything that is a Warrior, a Magician, or a Lover will strike you senses and cause an
alarm to go off for the wrong type for you, or sweet music to be played for the right and
perfect complementary temperament for you.
If you attract your opposite Jungian Temperament, you will naturally click, grow
fond of each other, and have both an intellectual and emotional magnetism for each other.
There are two components of communication. Data, and emotional energy! If
you find your opposite, you will both have an endless supply of interesting things to learn
from each other and complementary energy to share with animal attraction!
Who would have ever guessed at these scientific, mathematical, spiritual truths?
Who would have guessed that it may not really matter what you do LATER, what
counseling you get, suffering you do, WORK you put in, presents you buy, gifts you
give, words you say, or things you do, when you are working against your own nature.
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This is a strange and wonderful thing to learn, this complementarity of
temperaments. You see, now that you know quite a bit how they work, they will save
you time, they will save you energy, they will save you effort and money and pain. They
will save you suffering and wondering, and feeling lost.
Sure you can have an average relationship with someone who is not quite your
temperamental opposite, and you can live by trial and error with those who are of your
very same nature. But you will never see as beautiful, enlightening, energizing and
freeing a thing as your best and opposite soulmate, the one who “completes you”, who
encourages your growth because that very act actually makes them grow too.
When all the simple matchmakers of olde tried to tell us to “just be ourselves” and
trust the world around us, they were right, spiritually, scientifically, and mathematically.
We effortlessly find the very person who needs us, joins us, and together we become far
more than just the sum of us. We become EVERYTHING—all possible human skills
and dreams and ideas and power. The deep meaning in marriage told in metaphor by
religious tenets millennia old—that the “two will become like one”, and far more
powerful than being alone.
In each of us there is a kingdom, a land where there are ideas to be planted and
grown, a territory to defend, celebration and spectacle to be had, stories to be told and
jokes to revel in. And in exploring that kingdom, we are all heroes. It is what we are
called here to do, every day of our lives until we learn the special, unique lessons of our
missing selves—those lessons of all the Kings, Warriors, Magicians and Lovers who ever
lived.
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In heeding their call, we have integrated ourselves, growing from immature
temperament into full mature adulthood personality. Along the way, those other people
we encounter will have learned as much the mystery of this Hero’s Journey from us as we
do from them.
Good luck with this Holy Grail of Psychology, this special secret, and enjoy.
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