the l ve revolution - amazon s3€¦ · what is the primal wound? understanding mother‐newborn...

Most of you know that I spent a few month in foster care following my birth prior to being adopted as an infant. As a child I always knew that it was adopted. I

never thought about it very much and never had any desire to search out my birth parents even though my adoptive parents were both supportive had I wanted to do so. I shared recently that when I was in my mid twenties I decided to see if I could find out something about my roots. I was able to obtain my d‐identified records which give place of birth, birth mothers age, birth fathers age, any siblings, maternal and paternal grandparents, basic information. I was excited to learn that I had three siblings, all older than I, actually one, two and three years older. My mother was young, as was my father. After receiving the records I was content for the next ten years.

One day I walked down the driveway to check the mail and I looked to the East. I was standing approximately two hours from the place of my birth. I thought in that moment, I need to do

(Continued on page 2)

IN THIS ISSUE Bryan Post on Adoption: Roots and Reality

From the POST Office by David Durovy

What is the Primal Wound?Understanding mother‐newborn separation by Dr. Marcy Axness

Fear, Lying and My New Car by Laura Slagle

Do You Eat Crude Oil? Article by www.feingold.org

Bryan Post’s The Season For Child Rearing—Part 2

I Remember That Feeling by Helen Timpone

Mommy, What Were You Thinking? by Jeannie Smith

The Worthwhile Journey to Healing and Love by Deborah Chelette‐Wilson

Upcoming POST Attachment Parenting Camps

Bryan’s Big Idea: The 7 BIG Do’s and Don’ts of Successful Foster Parenting

Chronicles of B

TTTHEHEHE L L L VEVEVE RRREVOLUTIONEVOLUTIONEVOLUTION APRIL 2011

B. Bryan Post, One of America’s Foremost Child Behavior Experts

A Love Based Family-Centered Approach For

Helping Children With Challenging Behaviors

Bryan and his two moms: bio mom Wilma on the right, and adoptive mom Opal on the left.

BRYAN POST ON ADOPTION: ROOTS AND REALITY

Post Institute’s The Love Revolution April 2011 2 www.postinstitute.com

THE L VE REVOLUTION

Publisher: Bryan Post

Layout: Nicola Wattles

Contributors: Bryan Post David Durovy Dr. Marcy Axness Laura Slagle

www.feingold.org Helen Timpone Jeannie Smith Deborah Chelette‐Wilson

1804‐B Cornerstone Road, Claremore, OK 74017 www.postinstitute.com www.postinnercircle.com

[email protected] Tel (918) 361‐0630 Fax (918) 512‐4523

General: Bryan Post’s The Love Revolution is published monthly and covers parenting and challenging behaviors in children.

Subscriptions: Copies are mailed 12 times per year along with a bonus CD. For more information and to join the POST Parenting Inner Circle, visit www.postinnercircle.com or e‐mail [email protected], or call 918‐361‐0630. Subscriptions are mailed monthly $29.95 USA or $39.95 International.

Letters to the Editor: Feedback is welcome and may be published with your permission. Send by mail to the above address or to [email protected].

more to find out about where I came from. My roots. So I started another search. This time I went through a private agency that supposedly knew all of the ins and outs. They led me up to the point of requesting my records. After a while I received a letter in the mail and it was from the Judge of the County where I grew up. He included a brochure and suggested that I call him as there was an easier way to go about obtaining my records.

For whatever unconscious reason, I stuck his note in my drawer and never called him. Perhaps I was afraid of the rejection that I would feel by having to go through some long tedious process. Or I may not have been ready to fully commit to finding out information. At that point I was like a window shopper, interested, but not serious enough to make a purchase. And then another four years passed.

I was invited to give a presentation for a few school districts in a city that was only twenty miles from my birth place. My mom rode with me to give the talk. Afterwards, we drove to Muskogee where I was born. I first went to a gas station and asked if there was a “black” part of town. This expression is probably much more common with black folk, as it reflects the segregation that still exist in most every city where there is a significant number of any one population. Had there been a “black” town I would have driven over and just started looking and asking around. The first lady told me that there really wasn’t so to speak. Now I know differently. She either didn’t know or didn’t feel at ease to say.

I went to another gas station and asked for a phone book. I had a last name, or what I thought was a last name that would give me some insight as to where I came from. There were names there but I didn’t feel comfortable calling them, so I went to an old hotel where my dad used to say I had an uncle that worked the door. No luck there, so my mom and I went to the library. We searched around blindly, not really knowing who, where, or what to look for, so eventually I asked the secretary and she gave me the number to a lady by the name of Linda.

On our way out of town I called Linda and told her who I was and what I was interested in. Linda stated that it was her purpose to help others do adoption searches and she would be happy to assist me. As fortune would have it she told me that I should first call the Judge of the County where I was adopted and request my records. After hanging up with Linda, I immediately called Judge Russell, told him who my mom and dad were and he said, “Just have Opal call me and set up an appointment. Since she was part of the adoption I don’t have any problem with giving her the records”. Just like that a chapter was closing and a new one was opening.

At this point I was pretty locked in and excited, as was my mom. She called the Judge and they set up an appointment for her to go over. But rather than her ever going to see him, he called two hours later and told my mom that my birth name

Bryan Post on Adoption: Roots and Reality (Continued from page 1)

had been Michael and my birth mother’s name was Wilma. He then mailed my mom the records.

Interestingly three years prior when I happened to be over at the local dry cleaners, they had unclaimed clothes on a rack for sale. Since I’m always looking for a good deal I found a couple of really nice denim company shirts with a name on them. You guessed it, the name was Michael! Funny how I never cared about that name being on that shirt, I just really enjoy the shirt. Still own and wear one of them regularly. This was three years before I knew my birth name!

Anyway, I digress. Once mom sent me the records I called Linda and she got busy. Within a few days she had located who she thought my birth mom was. I got on the internet and did some research. Linda and I compared notes and yes, we had located her, and I had a phone number.

That evening I went into the bedroom and made the call. I was incredibly nervous. My entire life I have feared more than anything else ‐ rejection. And here I was facing the original source of that wound. I called the number and got a voicemail. I left a message that I was a social worker in Tulsa and I was looking for a Wilma Knight. I thought for sure saying that I was a social worker would get a call back.

A half an hour later a call came on my phone and I recognized the area code. My anxiety shot up and my heart began to race. I closed the door and answered the phone, “Hello,” I said. And then I heard my mother’s voice for the first



time. It was a strange and distant feeling. I thanked her for calling me back and began by anxiously saying, “I’m not sure how to say this so I’ll just say it. My name is Bryan Post. I was born in Muskogee, Oklahoma on June 4, 1973 and I think you may be my birth mother.” I then hurriedly stated, “I don’t want anything. I don’t want to disrupt your life, I’m only wanting to find out about who I am.” Her first response was, “How did you get this number?” I told her of the process she had gone through. She neither acknowledged that she was the right person or denied it. She simply said, “Can I call you back tomorrow when I have more time to talk?” I said, “Of course, that will be fine. We hung up and I took a deep breath. The entire time I think I was holding my breath! Go figure.

I didn’t have to wait until the next day. She called me back two hours later and said, “Bryan, I’m sorry about that. You caught me by surprise and I had to tell my husband. Yes, I’m your mom. I have prayed for you every day. I have thought about you every day and just hoped that God would keep you safe and that one day you might find me. I’m so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?”

I assured Wilma that I had nothing to forgive. That I had had the most wonderful life and that because of her I was able to teach a lot of parents about adoption and their child based on my own life experiences. We spoke for a bit longer and then said good bye.

We spoke again over the next few days and she gave me information about my father which started a whole new search, but one that went much quicker. After a few failed “Are you my daddy?” phone calls, I finally found Mike Hooks. The man that helped conceive me and who I was named after. He’s a pharmacist in South Carolina and has been a mentor to juvenile boys for a number of years.

I haven’t met Mike yet, but we’ve spoken on the phone. Our voices are identical. Very weird. We will be meeting in the next couple of months. I’m excited.

My mom and I drove down to Lawton one Sunday to meet Wilma, her husband Arthur, and my three siblings. It was still just the three. Darnell “Chico” is the oldest, followed by Shauntie, and then Omar. I’m the baby. It was a joyous day. I’m eternally grateful that Wilma and her family opened their arms to me. I can say it wouldn’t have mattered either way, but I’m not sure that is true. I think I needed to be accepted by them. I needed to know that after all of these years, I really was okay and worthy.

We have spent more time together. Wilma texts me regularly. I look forward to spending more time with them and getting to know them. But I would also like to share this, they are not my family. I’ve got a family. I’ve got a mom and a dad, even though my dad has passed on. It’s interesting but I do not feel a need to have another family. I am thankful, I am filled with joy to know they are there, but I am complete with the family

that I’ve had and have now. That surprises me on many levels, but I suppose the reality of my roots is that they are just that, roots. They have informed and even influenced me but I live now in the open universe where I have received care, nurture, guidance, and influence for years and years. I don’t need to reclaim what was lost because indeed there was no loss. I have gained and gained some more. I am rich with love. As I was writing this and felt the tears come to my eyes I stopped and sent Wilma a text: “I love you mama. I’ve missed you. Even if you don’t hear from me as often as you might the other three, just know that I am eternally grateful to you for giving me life and welcoming me back into your life. Have wonderful day and give Arthur a hug for me this evening when you see him.”

And then I’m back to just being Bryan Post.

Thanks for giving me an opportunity to share. If you have any questions I’m happy to answer them the best I can. Just shoot me an e‐mail [email protected]

I hope you enjoy this month’s issue.

Choose Love,

B. Chief Love Revolutionary

Bryan Post is a pioneer in the love‐based parenting movement. His irreverent approach to parenting, children, and all things challenging has garnered him attention the world over. Author and co‐author of more than 25 educational programs including books, CDs, and DVDs, his message has reached thousands of parents and professionals from around the world. As you read or listen to his message ask yourself, "What can I do to bring more love into the world today?" The answer to this question will bring transformation to your life and relationships. Then you will discover the power of the Post Parenting Message. To learn more visit www.postinstitute.com and www.postinnercircle.com

Bryan Post on Adoption: Roots and Reality (Continued from page 2)

Bryan with his three older siblings: Omar, Shauntie, and Darnell "Chico". They are one year apart.


Do Parents Survive?

After 4 years of sitting at this desk, talking with parents, listening to their questions, hearing of their grief, desperation and their hopelessness, I have reduced most all the questions I get down to these: #1 Do parents survive?; #2 Can we really do this Post stuff?

I don’t talk about specific behaviors because that is Bryan’s forte—I don’t want to steal the limelight, and I still struggle way too much with my own son and my own behaviors. As to these two questions though, I am comfortable responding to. So for the rest of you who have these same questions, here is my humble opinion backed up by about seven years of doing Post parenting. I am taking the liberty of reprinting what I have sent over and over again as these questions came up.

One parent asks, “Can we really do this Post stuff?”

Dear Parent,

Thank you for your question. I can give you, with complete 100% confidence, that yes, you can do it. The only questions are will and when. Will you choose to do it, accepting that the failure rate is "daily" but you can bounce right back and make progress and the success rate is also "daily". When will you do it is entirely up to you. Anthony Robbins is fond of saying, "when the pain of same is greater than the pain of change, you will choose to change". For many of us however, the pain of change (perceived) is greater and so we pretty much drag on day to day with the same struggles and the same results. Only you can answer the "when". Our hope is today.

Dear Post,

Do Parents Survive?

Dear Parent,

This is a great question! One that has inspired much debate over the centuries. Aristotle, Plato, Socrates and Descartes all struggled to clearly define an answer that would in its essence, articulate a path of truth for generations to come. As controversial as it is, there is data to support both sides.

On the “No, they don’t survive” side, research supports the fact that except for a rare few of our earthly inhabitants, survival is limited to some point.

It is unclear as to how many of these rare individuals who did not die were actually parents so that is left to the imagination. So in the big picture, we all gotta go – and survival after death is one of those highly contested issues

that we do not have the time nor the research available to prove one way or another. Your own faith may be the best source of information or direction as to ultimate survival. Scientifically speaking, as Einstein proved (see Law of Conservation of Energy at the end of this article), energy can neither be created nor destroyed, so survival in someway is guaranteed, the form that it takes is not. I have included a brief summary of the Law of Conservation of Energy should you choose to contemplate how this relates to the time/space continuum wherein which our physical bodies currently locate themselves. So yes, this is a hedge on the no side.

On the “Yes, they do survive” side, research also indicates that many, if not most parents survive to the point where the kids actually do leave the

house. So, in a very relative sense, survival probabilities are in your favor. I would venture an uneducated guess that in at least 24 out of every 25 families the parents do survive this period. You might verify this by adding up the number of families you know of that have kids living away from home.

Please understand I am a neophyte in areas such as this and my opinions are close to worthless except for their entertainment or inspirational value.

However, survival is not necessarily the measuring stick for success here. Bryan Post has addressed this point many times,

suggesting that thriving, not surviving is the goal of parenting and maybe even of life itself. There is an audio recording that Bryan did for National Adoption Month in 2009 that addresses this issue. If you are interested, please send me an email [email protected] and I will be happy to make it available to you.

I did ask Bryan for his wisdom on this question, and being the Zen Master he is, or isn’t, his answer, although enigmatic, offers us a clue as to what might be going on behind the parenting scenes so to speak. I will let you contemplate his answer on your own to come up with your own conclusion and answer to your question, “Do Parents Survive?”


From the POST Office by David Durovy

NO

YES

MAYBE

God gives us children all shapes and colors, not for us to raise them to be closer to him. He gives us children so that we might learn

how to be closer to him!

Have a wonderful day.

‐‐ B. ”

“


November is National Adoption Awareness month, so I’m taking the opportunity to empower adoptive parents with some insights they aren’t likely to find just any old place! This information also applies to parents of babies who are not adopted, but who have experienced being separated from their mothers at birth due to prematurity or other neonatal intensive care issues, a health crisis in the mother, or any other circumstances that led to postpartum separation.

Throughout generations of routine obstetrical, hospital, and adoption practice in this country, the attitude has been, “Why would the separation from its mother affect a newborn baby?” But with the advent in the last twenty years of prenatal and perinatal research, we have astounding findings about what a fetus experiences in the womb, what a strong connection it has with the mother long before birth, and how intelligent, aware and remembering a newborn is. Researchers currently feel the more appropriate question to be, “Why wouldn’t separation from the mother to whom he or she was connected for nine months affect an infant in fundamental ways?”

“Many doctors and psychologists now understand that bonding doesn’t begin at birth, but is a continuum of physiological, psychological, and spiritual events which begin in utero and continue throughout the postnatal bonding period. When this natural evolution is interrupted by a postnatal separation from the biological mother, the resultant experience of abandonment and loss is indelibly imprinted upon the unconscious minds of these children, causing that which I call the ‘primal wound’.” So wrote Nancy Verrier in her landmark 1993 book, The Primal Wound Understanding the Adopted Child.

Rather than deeply question whether the experience of separation in adoption is traumatic, we as a society tend to believe that enough love and care can make everything right. But psychologists have taught us that the first stage of psychological growth includes the development of trust, as a foundation for secure relationships with others, and ourselves. Babies who are separated from the only connection they’ve ever known‐their primordial biological and psychological matrix—have had their nascent sense of trust deeply violated.

Adoptees may unconsciously feel that it’s too dangerous to love and be loved authentically and deeply; all of the love and care parents give them sometimes has a hard time “getting in” past the child’s defenses against the hurt and abandonment that they are internally “hardwired” to expect. As Verrier says of her own relationship to her adopted daughter, “I discovered that it

was easier for us to give her love than it was for her to accept it.”

Varying degrees of trauma can occur under circumstances other than adoption, such as NICU stays for premature or ill babies—in which case the trauma of separation may be compounded by painful medical procedures, isolation, and harsh, invasive surroundings.

Separation wounds can also happen in the most “normal” of birth and postpartum circumstances. Like so many modern American moms giving birth to healthy, full‐term babies in hospitals... and despite my best intentions (and the admonition of my very progressive pediatrician, to “not let them take your baby away from you!”)...

I found myself overpowered by the momentum of standard hospital protocols, which involve separating mother and baby for a variety of reasons, for various lengths of time.

Not only did this have its effect on our son’s developing trust, it also interrupted the unfolding of my own maternal instincts and identity, which was a dangerous thing given my risk profile for postpartum depression. (This is another column, I promise!)

The trauma of newborn separation is registered largely on the physical level, leaving the nervous system predisposed to getting stuck in survival

mode: fight or flight, or freeze. In babies, these powerful feelings are thus expressed physically, through inconsolable crying (or the other extreme, virtually no crying at all), extreme startle responses, arching or stiffening at being held, “spacing out” or sleeping all the time, severe colic or other illness.

The primal sense of loss, abandonment and rage that results from the trauma of separation is overwhelming to a newborn, who hasn’t yet developed an ego, much less ego defense mechanisms. Left unacknowledged and unaddressed, these unresolved nervous system patterns permeate the psychological and personality realms, and can manifest in such ways as hyper‐controlling behavior (“the little tyrant”) and intense emotional volatility, or the opposite, a superficially cheerful adaptiveness (“the pleaser”). Children often split themselves off from the injured parts of their psyche, and develop a functional, acceptable, “false self.” This concept of the false self is often the explanation behind what seems like “wonderful adjustment” on the part of an adoptee, or traumatized child who has responded to the deep fear of further abandonment or trauma by becoming compliant and adaptive to the needs and expectations


WHAT IS THE PRIMAL WOUND? Understanding mother‐newborn separation

Marcy Axness, Ph.D

One of the most powerful healing forces is available to every parent, free of charge:

empathy.


of the parents or caregivers. But their grief and anger is simply buried in the unconscious, curdling their social and emotional lives.

However, all is not lost. Parents needn’t feel hopeless in the face of these revelations. (Indeed, when faced with an inexplicably unsoothable baby...or, one who kind of “tunes out” and won’t engage...a parent without these insights could understandably feel hopeless and helpless!) When parents are provided this understanding about the impact of these early experiences upon their child, it can be very liberating, and frees them to reach beyond themselves and not take the child’s behavior personally (“He doesn’t like me!”). This can empower a parent to make herself truly available as a loving, healing presence for her baby. How?

One of the most powerful healing forces is available to every parent, free of charge: empathy. Empathy allows a person, even a tiny baby, to feel her feelings, rather than repress them, so they can be released. Babies who have lost their original mothers, permanently or even temporarily...and babies who have suffered other painful or traumatic experiences...need to express their feelings of grief and loss.

They need our help to do this, and this help needs to take the form of active empathy...saying the words, out loud, that let the baby know that what he or she is feeling makes sense and is allowed.

So instead of the very common dismissive mantra chanted to upset babies, “It’s okay, you’re okay, you don’t need to cry...” the thoughtful and knowledgeable adoptive parent can gently croon to her baby in distress:

“You miss your mother. You miss your connection. You’ve lost something very important, and I understand. I’m not the mom you expected, I don’t smell like her, I don’t sound like her. I’m a different mom and I am here for you...always...when you feel sad, and when you feel joyous...”

Or…

“I really see you, and that you’re in distress...I understand... You had some scary and painful things happen to you while I wasn’t with you, and I’m very sorry...”

These may be difficult words to say, words that prod at our own losses and hurts... infertility; the death, miscarriage, or stillbirth of a previous child; other deep pain suffered on the road to adoption; or the pain and fears involved in having an ill or premature child. But I can think of no greater gift we can give our precious new children than the freedom to be exactly who they are, with everything they feel, so they don’t have to bear the leaden emotional baggage of banished feelings throughout their lifetimes.

And in return, we are blessed with a secure, trusting, and joyous relationship with our children...the gift of true intimacy.

Marcy Axness, Ph.D. writes and speaks internationally about the complex tapestry of attachment, and is a leading authority on adoption. Her dissertation, Malattachment and the Self Struggle: Separation, Survival, and Healing, weaves together prenatal psychology, attachment neurobiology, consciousness research, theology and even quantum physics to suggest the rudiments of a new paradigm for rethinking early human development. Specializing in fertility, adoption, and the very early years, Dr. Axness helps thoughtful people become conscious parents with her Quantum Parenting practice ~ the mindful application of leading‐edge research to support optimal early development. She lives in Southern California with her husband and two children. Reach her via her website at www.quantumparenting.com or at [email protected].

What is the Primal Wound? (Continued from page 5)

Law of Conservation of Energy (Wikipedia)

The law of conservation of energy is an empirical law of physics. It states that the total amount of energy in an isolated system remains constant over time (is said to be conserved over time). A consequence of this law is that energy can neither be created nor destroyed: it can only be transformed from one state to another. The only thing that can happen to energy in a closed system is that it can change form: for instance chemical energy can become kinetic energy.

Albert Einstein's theory of relativity shows that energy and mass are the same thing, and that neither one appears without the other. Thus in closed systems, both mass and energy are conserved separately, just as was understood in pre‐relativistic physics. The new feature of relativistic physics is that "matter" particles (such as those constituting atoms) could be converted to non‐matter forms of energy, such as light; or kinetic and potential energy (example: heat). However, this conversion does not affect the total mass of systems, because the latter forms of non‐matter energy still retain their mass through any such conversion.

From the POST Office: Do Parents Survive? (Continued from page 4)

Marcy Axness, Ph.D.


I woke up this morning from one of those dreams that seem so real that you’re disoriented and not sure whether it was real or not. In my dream I was lying to someone…and when I say lying, I mean I was frantically lying and trying for all I was worth to convince the people I was telling the truth! I have heard the theory that lying comes from fear, and I’ve even taught it to the parents I work with, but I’ve never really believed it until this morning. When I awoke, I could just feel the extreme fear and realized that in my dream I was willing to say anything, whether it made sense or not, just to get these people to believe me! As I began my day, I started thinking of all the different times in my life that I lied out of fear. Some of them were as a child, many of them were as an adult, and one of them was just recently.

A few months ago, my husband and I bought a new car. We picked out one that we both liked, but with the particular features that I liked best. My understanding was that I would be driving it, but my husband thought maybe he should drive it and I should drive the old car, since I drive around families all day with “unruly” children. He had the nerve to say that I don’t pay attention while I drive anyway and then with distractions in the car I will probably ruin our brand new car. I eventually convinced him that I am the one who needs the new, reliable car because I do drive so much and cannot be breaking down with families in the car (that has actually happened more than once). So, I won the argument (of course) and started driving the new car.

Just driving the new car made me a little nervous (especially after what my husband said about me), but I tried to enjoy it. Well, the fun part of my job is working with families – the not‐so‐fun part is the meetings and paperwork. On one particular day, I had to go to the office for a meeting. I pulled into the parking lot and looked for the “safest” parking spot. I found one way off in the corner, on an angle, right next to the trash dumpster, so there was no way anyone could park next to me and dent my doors.

It was a typical meeting at a non‐profit agency, where the management puts on pressure about productivity demands and the front‐line staff tells them the demands are impossible to meet. Now, the agency I work for is great, and they truly believe in doing “whatever it takes” to help the families, but they do have to work within their funding constraints. So during the meeting, I got myself so worked up, fighting for the needs of my families that I almost forgot I had to leave early to go and have

lunch with my son, who had been visiting and was flying back to where he lives in another state.

Suddenly, I looked at the clock, jumped up from my seat, and excused myself from the meeting early. I dashed out to my car, jumped in, and while I was backing out I grabbed my phone to call my husband and tell him I was going to be a few minutes late. Now, I know you can already see what’s coming. I was on the phone and backing out at the same time and I did not look behind me to see that the trash had been emptied and the dumpster doors were wide open. I backed right into one of them! It happened while I was talking to my husband, but do you think I told him about it? No, what I did tell him was that I

was on my way already, which wasn’t exactly true. After I hung up, I got out to check my car and found a huge scrape! My immediate thought was “My husband’s going to kill me!” and I started preparing a story to tell him about what happened to the car. I made up a nice story about how I carefully parked in a spot where no one could park near me, but when I came out I found that the dumpster doors were open and one of them was leaning against the car and must have caused the scrape. I did tell him that story and kept it up for about a week, but throughout the week as I got further and further from the event, my stress level came down and I wondered why I had felt the need to make up a lie.

It was not until this morning that it became totally clear to me that the lie was out of fear. First of all, I was

stressed just driving the car to work after my husband telling me I would ruin the brand new car by not paying attention. How often do we do that to our teenagers, when we send them off with, “Now, be careful and pay attention while you are driving!” or “You’re always talking on your cell phone and you never leave enough stopping distance!” Wouldn’t it be better to have a calm, loving interchange with them before they leave? Second, I was super stressed out by the meeting and being late to say good‐bye to my son, so my thinking was already confused and distorted before I made the decision to make a phone call and back up at the same time without even looking (and he thinks I don’t pay attention!). And finally, let’s look at why I lied. It would be understandable enough if I just lied on the spur of the moment out of fear, but this was a calculated lie. I spent most of the 25‐minute drive figuring out all of the details so it would


FEAR, LYING AND MY NEW CAR Laura Slagle

My husband’s going to kill me!” and I started

preparing a story to tell him about what happened

to the car.


If you eat foods that contain synthetic dyes (“food colors”) then the answer is yes. These artificial colorings – which are found in familiar supermarket foods, medications, and some non‐foods such as toothpaste and mouthwash – are synthesized from petroleum. They were originally made from coal tar oil, and are still referred to in the industry as “coal tar dyes.”

(Source: US Food & Drug Administration)

What’s wrong with a little petrol in my diet?

Scientists have found that many people are sensitive to these chemicals, which can trigger many behavior, learned and health problems.

“ Artificial flavors and colors have been associated with respiratory allergic disorders, with urticaria (hives) and angioedema, with lesions of the tongue and buccal mucosa, with digestive disturbances, with arthralgia and hydrarthroses and with headache and behavioral disturbances, including hyperkinesis in childhood.” (Nelson’s Textbook of Pediatrics, 1987)

If they were harmful wouldn’t they be banned?

Most of the synthetic dyes have already been banned, and those few which remain have found to trigger many problems in sensitive people. The Food and Drug Administration tried for many years to have Red Dye No. 3 banned, but failed due to vigorous industry and political pressure. (Committee on Governmental Operations/US House of Representatives, 1985)

Dyes that have been banned as health hazards: Sudan 1, Butter Yellow, Carbon Black, Red 1, Red 4, Red 32, Citrus Red, Orange 1, Orange 2, Orange B, Yellow 1, Yellow 2, Yellow 3,

Yellow 4, Green 1, Violet 1. (Public Citizen Health Research Group)

DYES STILL USED IN FOODS*:

Red 3 – Partially banned; causes thyroid cancer in animals; also used as a pesticide to kill fly’s eggs (maggots) in manure piles. (Source: US Environmental Protection Agency)

Red 22‐ *Not permitted in food, but found in many lipsticks; can be used as an herbicide to kill marijuana plants. (Source: US Department of Agriculture)

Red 40‐ Banned in Canada, but widely used in the US; suspected of causing cancerous tumors in test animals.

Yellow 5‐ Widely used in foods and drugs; can cause asthma and hives (US Food & Drug Administration); triggers hyperactivity in sensitive children. (Lancet, March 9, 1985)

Yellow 6‐ Can cause utricaria [hives] rhinitis, nasal congestion, bronchoconstriction, anaphylactoid reaction, purpura, indigestion, abdominal pain, vomiting (Source: American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Drugs 1985)

Blue 1 and Blue 2‐ have been approved despite continuing controversy. (Source: Public Citizen health Research Group)

Foods free of these and other harmful additives can be found in your supermarket; often the consumer need only switch brands. A non‐profit organization can help you avoid petroleum‐based additives. Contact: Feingold Association of the United States www.feingold.org (800) 321‐3287

DO YOU EAT CRUDE OIL? www.feingold.org

sound believable! I think the key is in what I said to myself just before proceeding to make up a lie. I said, “My husband’s going to kill me!” Have you ever said that to yourself or to anyone? I didn’t think about it at first because it just seemed like an expression I grew up using: “If my mom finds out she’ll kill me!” Then I thought about it…my mom has never threatened or tried to kill me and neither has my husband. Neither has ever even raised a hand to me. The last time I was even hit was by an over‐sized classmate named Judy in the third grade! But in that moment, I was so stressed, and that led to so much fear, that I really felt it was a life or death situation! In fact, on the way to lunch, I remember being in such a state of fear and stress that I was about to have a panic attack and had to sit in the car and do breathing exercises before I could even go into the restaurant. And even after breathing, I was still too stressed to tell the truth – I lied!

In my work with families, one of the most difficult concepts to explain to parents is that their children lie out of fear. I have such a hard time explaining to them that if they will reduce the stress, reflect on their own fears, and connect with their child from a place of love, their child will stop feeling the need to lie. Maybe the reason I could not convince them is because I did not fully believe it myself. But now I think I do, and I have a perfect example to give them.

Laura Slagle is a Family Services Coordinator/Mental Health Rehabilitation Specialist who works with families of children under 6 with mental health needs. Laura assists families in their homes and in the community through parent coaching, crisis intervention, teaching and modeling relationship‐focused parenting, and connecting them with therapy to match their needs. Laura lives with her husband in Fresno, CA. Laura can be contacted at [email protected]

Fear, Lying and My New Car (Continued from page 7)

Laura Slagle


Applying the Three‐Phase Intervention (Continued from previous issue)

Phase 2: Relate

The ability to relate to our children is a very special and unique quality. To relate means to understand, to get to know, to accept. If I really want to be close to you I need to be able to relate to you. Relating to our children is a very difficult thing for parents to do. We do not want to get to know our children. Instead, we want our children to do as we say, not to question authority, and not to talk back. All of these are very non‐relational requests.

Children need a parent to connect with the pain they may be feeling and understand the hidden elements of their lives. If the parent fails to relate to the child, then the parent will fail to establish a healthy and fruitful relationship with the child.

Learning to relate can also be difficult, but it is much more within your parental grasp once you have successfully made it through the Reflection Response process, and you are in a natural place for child correction. . In order to help you better grasp the principal of relating, I have created a three‐step process for this as well, called the Relating Reaction.

To begin the Relating Reaction, you must Acknowledge the State ‐ pronounce out loud to your child, “I see you,” “ I hear you,” or “I’m feeling you.” This will allow your child to realize, possibly for the first time, that she is being seen, heard, or felt. I once had a mother that e‐mailed me about her daughter. She had snippedly nicknamed her “Talkative Tina”. I asked the mother if she ever listened to her daughter. She replied, “Well actually, I stopped doing that about six months ago when my life started to lose its meaning!” When a child cannot feel seen, heard, or felt, then he or she will naturally go into a state of stress. When there is no connection for a significant time, the body will go into panic. In this case, lack of communication triggered increased stress, which resulted in a very talkative child. Second, you must Identify the State ‐ send the signal to your child of your own emotional state by saying, “I feel sad,

hurt, or embarrassed. I wonder if you might be feeling any of these things. Maybe you are angry.” Make the statement as a way of signaling that you understand, rather than as a way of needing the child to communicate the feeling to you. It is often difficult for a child to identify his own feeling state anyway.

Pressure to get your child to communicate his own state may only elevate his already existing level of stress. If pressured, he might believe that if he cannot give you the right feeling, then you may get rid of him or punish him. Avoid at all cost, anything that might elevate the child’s stress to a higher level than it may already be at this time. The third step is to Support the State ‐ once you have acknowledged and identified the state, one of two things is likely to happen. Either your child will naturally calm down and move into the step of regulation automatically, or she will continue to remain in the state of

dysregulation. If your child moves into a state of regulation, then naturally things have progressed evenly with minimal disruption. If your child’s stress stays activated, then pronounce to your child, “I can see that you are stressed which is causing you to feel really hurt, scared, or angry. I’m going to stay here with you until we can help you to calm down.” This should occur in the most non‐threatening manner possible. I have always said, at the risk of doing something damaging in parenting intervention, do nothing! An example of this

is when I instructed Jan to sit on the bed and do nothing. Any state of dysregulation that is unconsciously transmitted to the child is overwhelming enough, but if combined with physical intervention, it can become damaging. In some well documented cases, the lifelong work of leading pioneers in the mental health field has been obscured due to the inappropriate use of an intervention by an unconsciously driven parent, even leading to the child’s death. This step of supporting the state is serious. If you have not addressed your own stress during the Reflection Response phase, then you literally have no business attempting to correct your child. In this manner, it becomes control and there is no place for control in parenting. To reinforce this particular point, I had a mother commence to tell me that she had to physically restrain her child during times of


THE SEASON FOR CHILD REARING - PART 2 Bryan Post

When a child cannot feel seen, heard, or felt, then he or she will naturally go into a state of stress. When there is no connection for a

significant time, the body will go into

panic.


activation because he would hit and kick her during his rage. She stated that he would immediately go after her when angry. I pondered the statement for a moment and asked, “Do you ever try to grab him when he’s really angry?” She replied, “Well of course, I’ve got to try to control his behavior.” I responded, “Well then be prepared to be hit because when he is in the most frightened state and you make quick movements to CONTROL him, you are causing a fear‐based reaction in him. It’s the age‐old fight or flight response!” At that moment the light bulb seemed to flash on for her.

Phase 3 – Regulate

The natural outcome following the steps of reflecting and relating is the state of regulation. If you can imagine a cyclist pumping hard up a hill ‐ a very steep hill ‐ and as he gets closer to the top he attempts to pick up speed, but the muscular output for the task has doubled. Internally, his physiological state is racing at double, possibly triple, what was required of him prior to the ascent up the hill, but now he has slowed to a snail’s pace. The brain of a child is much the same in highly charged interactions. The more frightening the outward experience, the higher the level of stress that will build in the brain, yet the child may seem to be moving at a slower pace, oftentimes even thinking slower. Reflecting is akin to the hill the biker is climbing. Until we thoroughly reflect, the hill continues to go on; steeper, higher, and more difficult. Relating is like the muscular output. It gets more and more difficult, the higher the hill becomes and the less experience we as parents have at reflecting. Regulating is the final eclipse of the hill when thorough reflection and relating has occurred. When they have both occurred in balance, then a natural downhill descent initiates. A child’s primary needs in life are to be understood, and then loved. When the parent is able to reflect and relate, the child can feel understood. The parent gets in touch with his own fear and is then able to relate to the fear of the child. Once both have achieved a deep level of understanding, coasting down the hill becomes rewarding and cooling to the heated physiological system. Feel the hard‐fought battle I am describing for you right now. Imagine the difficult climb, the sweat, and the pain. Now imagine the release of making it to the top and having a rewarding downhill breeze awaiting you.

Once the parent gets through his defensive fear reactions of taking the child’s behavior personally, as a direct assault on his ego, then he is able to step into the role of regulatory teacher. When we, as parents, are in a state of dysregulation, we cannot teach regulation to our children. Look back on the incident with Jan and Susan. After Jan took the time to complete the Reflection Phase, she was able to begin the Relating Phase, and to convey a state of calm and understanding of Susan’s feelings, instead of her usual habit of intervening while she was in a dysregulated state herself. As a result, Susan was able to reach a rapid state of regulation within her, allowing her to go and bathe without the repetitive patterns that had been plaguing their relationship day after day.

After the Reflecting and Relating Phases, the Regulating Phase comes naturally.

Therefore, there is no magical formula or a step‐by‐step approach within the Regulating Phase.

A mother by the name of Sherri wrote me a very frantic e‐mail one evening stating that her daughter was quickly slipping through her clutches. The daughter was becoming increasingly defiant and the mother was becoming increasingly frantic. The title of the e‐mail was RELATE. The mother stated that she was not able to relate. She had done everything else, but her daughter seemed very angry and resistant.

I wrote back one very clear suggestion, “REFLECT!” That was it. I could feel the mother’s anxiety level through the e‐mail. It was high. What did that tell me? It told me that she needed to go back to phase one. She could not possibly have made it through Phase One successfully and have still been that frantic. In our society we want instant results. We have forgotten what it means to take time and think about a situation before acting on it. We have thoughts and we either act on them immediately, or out of fear, we do not act at all. Seldom do we reflect on why we want to move so fast or attempt to identify the fear that is stifling us.

Sherri wrote back a day later and stated, “That was all I needed. I realized how frantic I was and that I had jumped full gear into all of my own control issues again. I had even begun having recall of some trauma events in my life. I was stressed out and my daughter was taking it all in. Once I calmed down, then I was able to see how upset she was over the fact that her father and I are divorcing, and she feels responsible for him!”

This article concludes in the next issue.

The Season For Child Rearing (Continued from page 9)

The Three‐Phase Intervention:

REFLECT

‐ Recognize the State

‐ Activate the Internal System

‐ Feel, Feel, and Process

RELATE

‐ Acknowledge the State

‐ Identify the Sate

‐ Support the State

REGULATE


As I listen to you explain the recent events surrounding your child's behaviors, I hear the hopelessness in your voice, the desperation to save your child and the guilt you feel from wanting to give up. Perhaps, like most, you have found Bryan's work after 5‐7 years of other therapies that didn't work and the professionals who also believed your situation was hopeless. When you land here you find this very simple message that almost seems too good to be true but feeling that runs through your body screams this is it! There is hope! You make contact by speaking with us and/or plow through the materials, the message is clear, "love heals the wounds that cause the behaviors." Then the journey begins and if you are like me, simple does not equal easy!

Now many years later as I listen to your story, I remember those same feelings with my own adoptive daughter. We experienced many difficult moments that left me feeling hopeless wondering if those magical healing moments existed. I was desperate to say and do the right things, to heal the pain causing her scary behaviors. When times were really scary, I felt guilty for the thoughts that were screaming in my head "What were you thinking adopting an acting out 16 year old!" Today she is a productive, responsible and loving, 22 year old. She continues on her healing journey and I am eternally grateful to her for making me the Mom and therapist I am today. Through raising her and working with some of the most difficult children/teens, I was challenged to work

hard at examining my personal experiences growing up and changing my belief systems. The point of my greatest success came when I could experience and feel the love based interventions and incorporate that same feeling into step‐by‐step instructions, like those provided within Bryan Posts, "Great Behavior Breakdown" book. In time, creating interventions specific to each child or teens need became easier and the "magical healing moments" came quicker.

This was my intention and motivation to create The Great Behavior Breakdown Program. My vision was to create a 2 Day Intensive Event for other parents and/or professionals to not only get the information but to experience it, process it and create the specific interventions based on the need of the child or teen.

Then as my vision grew and I felt driven to reach people all over the globe and it became obvious! Teach as many Parents and/or Professionals that have the same passion and desire, to instruct these classes and affect profound change into the lives of Parents, Families and the Professionals who interact with them. Then provide them with the same ingredients that I know are necessary to ensure their success. Such as: a place to get answers, how to get the word out, assisting them in getting the word out, an abundance of teaching materials, flexibility in structuring their classes and ongoing learning. Then Certify them in an extensive 3 Day Event so people understand that Post Institute and Associates, the international organization believes in them.

I REMEMBER THAT FEELING

To Register & Learn More: 2 Day Intensive event: www.postinstitute.com/gbb/intensive/

3 Day Certification event: www.postinstitute.com/gbb/instructor.php If you register 30 days prior to any event, you can split the tuition into 2 easy payments!

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Old town

Review 27 behaviors!

Learn how to reduce and eliminate them!

Lying

Defiance

Aggression

Stealing

Chattering

Whining

Chores

Self‐ mutilation

Learning Difficulties

Sexual Issues

Hygiene Issues

Hoarding

Gorging

Clinging

Sibling Rivalry

Public Humiliation

Bed & Bath time issues

Lack of social skills

& SO MANY MORE!

**********

These

SEMINARS are based on the book, written

by B. Bryan Post

"I wanted to touch base with you on an amazing breakthrough we had this week. I was in your recent Certification class. I came to the classes and training to get strategies to "fix" my kids and the kids of parents I mentor. I heard you use the words "magical moment" throughout the presentation and to be honest I thought "yeah right" (even though I

desperately wanted something that would work) Well....this week I not only had one but two 6', 15 year old teenage boys asking if they could have "snuggle" time with me. They each snuggled on my lap (which was no small task let me tell you) and they

stayed to let me kiss their heads and rub their backs.....Amazing!! ....thanks again!" ~ D. M.

~ "Very easy to follow and relate into real life. This information can be broken down and used for day to day interventions and in crisis...I want more"~ K M.

~ "Helped me to process my old issues. I recognize myself in those I care for. This was really a heart opening experience and I will dedicate the rest of my life helping young people using this program" ~Gary M.

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Join me and start building deeper connections today: Helene Timpone, LCSW is an internationally recognized Therapist, Speaker and Coach. Having over 7 years of study with Bryan Post and providing treatment direction for all Post programming in Virginia she has had enormous successes with difficult children and now continues to assist families and professionals all over the world. Helene currently serves as the Director of the Great Behavior Breakdown Program and Clinical Director for the Post Institute. Helene provides coaching, intensive in home services, lectures/workshops and has a private practice in Virginia Beach, VA. Please feel free to contact her with questions or comments at: [email protected] or [email protected]

‐ Helen Timpone


I passed by my daughter’s room the other day as she was listening to music and I noticed that she tends to listen to some of the same artists that I enjoyed thirty years ago when I was pregnant with her and started to think about the inner world inside the womb and how outside influences can affect the developing fetus.

There is also an inner environment that the fetus dwells in that must be considered when it comes to the emotional well being of the child. Obviously substances such as food or drugs that are taken during pregnancy have an affect on the growing baby, but have you ever considered how the thoughts of the mother may affect the fetus growing inside her? The scientific and medical communities are confirming evidence that the thoughts and emotions of the mother affect the developing fetus inside the womb. Research suggests that positive thoughts of the mother can shape the body, internally heal and nourish the child to be healthier. There are deeply embedded patterns of feeling that shape the way the child develops and perceives itself emotionally. According to Dr. Thomas Verny, founder of the Association for Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and Health, he states that “everything the pregnant mother feels and thinks is communicated through neurohormones to her unborn child, just as surely as are alcohol and nicotine.”

Our thoughts are a precursor for our emotions, which are the precursor for the neurohormones that Dr. Verney refers to. This doesn’t mean that every fleeting thought is communicated to the child. What it does mean is that deeply embedded patterns of feeling that can sometimes be the root cause of a stress response based on fear can pass through the placenta and can activate the child’s endocrine system which influences them during their development inside the womb. These emotions that we are exposed to while in the womb are very primal because they are subcortical‐below the cerebral cortex, and of nonconscious origin. Consciousness is defined as a sensory awareness of the body, the self and the world. The fetus can have an awareness of its body in that it can sense and feel pain.

When we are taking care of children who have been traumatized, we take into account the environment that they have been exposed to from the time they were born until they are in our care. In addition to external influences since birth, we now add another dimension to the level of layering of traumatic experiences. If the thoughts of the mother affect the unborn baby, we now need to consider that environment as well. What if the mother was raped? If this were an unwanted pregnancy, those thoughts would also shape the developing baby. A

father’s attitude towards the mother and the unborn child have been previously overlooked until a short while ago but now the importance of this element of the pregnancy is also being considered to have an effect on that child.

In my work as a connective tissue therapist, I have seen clients relive a painful birth experience. I once had a client that remembered during a treatment being in the birth canal and darkness and a lot of fear. I assured her that this was a safe place and that it was okay for her to feel into the body and allow the emotion to flow through her as a physical sensation, without an emotional attachment so that the bioelectric energy could be released and cleared.

As we go through life we can have many layers of trauma. Some of them are present before we ever enter into this experience of life outside the womb.

There can be some very primal layers that we may have no conscious awareness of. Considering this, and in unwinding the body, it is not so important that we know the exact event in which the connective tissue stores the cellular memory because these emotions are not even ours. They come from inside the womb and from the thoughts, attitudes and feelings that our

parents had before we were ever born. The important thing to keep in mind is that in accessing the surface layers of what is known, these primal layers can rise to the surface and be healed on a cellular level. As we peel away the surface layers the trauma that we have experienced that is inherent from before birth that affects us beyond the womb can be resolved and healed.

Jeannie Smith is nationally certified in therapeutic massage and bodywork. She specializes in Myofascial Release, Craniosacral Therapy and Body Memory Recall. Her specialty is connective tissue. Her practice encompasses the greater Hampton Roads area of Virginia to include Norfolk and Virginia Beach. To contact Jeannie, visit her website at: www.jeannieasmith.com, by email at [email protected] or by phone at 7572876135.

MOMMY, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Jeannie Smith

Research suggests that positive thoughts of the mother can shape the

body, internally heal and nourish the child to be

healthier.

Jeannie A. Smith


The scars I carry you cannot see for they are hidden in the depths of me

Far away from prying eyes, looking

To hurt not help.

Safe and protected from the world that says,

“Show me your pain and I’ll help you heal.”

I believed that and reached out once too often getting scars upon scars, then accusations for salve.

No thank you!

I keep my scars hidden in the dark, where only I go with the light of my soul to heal what must stay locked away from others.

Before you judge me for my lack of trust think about this:

Whenever I sought help I was turned away;

Whenever I said look! I was told it was my imagination.

Whenever I cried out in despair and hurt, I was told, “Stop creating your own pain, it is not that bad.”

Whenever I moved forward in my grieving process I was told, “That happened a long time ago, grow up! You have to learn to take things and go on.”

Whenever I sought someone to listen, just listen (I didn’t need advice or fixing) I was told, “Not enough time, got to go.”

When I heard people say how much they care and I reached out I was told, “You’re okay you don’t need anything.”

Out of my longing and desperation for human consolation I learned that I alone must console myself. My consolation came from the vastness of the stars in the dark sky. I learned from them that there is eternity and the light and dark exist together. The wind dried my tears and caressed my face in gentle comfort. My cats and dogs stood vigil while I grieved and struggled with the war inside of me until I was calm and could face the confusing world again. Alone in the nights darkness I found enough light to renew my strength and resolve in my ability to survive the horrors of my childhood. My soul consoled the desperate yearning lost confused child and helped me realize that my need for love, affection, safety, value and respect were normal. There just wasn’t anyone around to meet those needs.

My soul connected me with the Universe and from that experience I knew I was not alone. As I allowed, I learned I was someone who had value. I learned I could survive. I could even carry the abyss of painfulness within me, safe from breaking out and infecting the world around me like I had been infected. My abyss of pain grew over time as I was further betrayed by those who would ‘help me.’ I began doing my own healing work, helped by those I could not see, but read their words of comfort, care and encouragement. It was safer. They couldn’t turn on me. My experience and conventional wisdom did not match. I floundered in my resolve to trust myself. I listened to the voices

of those who had hurt me. I lost touch with my own voice. Others added pathology around me so I had to withdraw from them but their voices were louder. All their voices became like tentacles around my throat shutting off my expression, my truth. Time past and my spirit rose up from the abyss of my pain and silence. I began clipping the tentacles one by one, as I reclaimed myself and found my voice.

My voice declared I was not sick. There was nothing ‘wrong’ with me. I was a human child hurt and betrayed by the gods and goddesses in my life (parents and other adult authorities who in my innocence had believed). Though many were well intentioned they didn’t take the time to connect with me emotionally and understand me. They gave me their judgment and advice without truly knowing the situation I lived in. Unwittingly they added to the emotional bruises you could not see. I had learned well to respect my ‘elders’ and take as gospel what adults told me so I couldn’t tell them how off base they were. Respect from fear taught me to be afraid to disagree because adults get dangerous when a child disagrees. So I became quiet and went into observer survivor mode.

My eyes have seen hell on earth. My observations have taught me that those who hurt children are not the stranger on the corner but those they know, trust and love. Parents and teachers can become a child’s worst nightmare. Every day adults are getting away with hurting children in various ways. Then the children are blamed for “making” the adults hurt them in the name of discipline. That’s what the gods and goddesses in my young world did to me. My legitimate needs for love and comfort where discounted and deemed unworthy of their time. I was to be seen and not heard nor want.

I have made my mistakes and my trauma monster has reared its rage and power. Now I know that was my protection against further pain. I’ve learned that no matter what was done to me gives me no justification to pass it on. It has been a lonely journey until I found connection to healing again. Since then I have found a large community of others who have traveled their well‐worn road to healing. More choose to find that tiny speck of light in the darkness and slowly move forward. The way out is through the darkness guarded by the red‐eyed raging beast of fear and protection. Help it heal so you can open to a different kind of Love that is all around us. Love is waiting for you to open and let it in. So are our children and the world.

Deborah Chelette‐Wilson has been a licensed professional counselor in the State of Texas since 1998. Out of her own healing work she created Women on the Edge: A Love‐Based Approach to Self‐Care and Partnership Living. Learn more about Deborah at www.integratingtrauma.com

THE WORTHWHILE JOURNEY TO HEALING AND LOVE Deborah Chelette‐Wilson

Deborah Chelette‐Wilson


where he heard a weird voice telling him to hurt people. I asked him what hurt meant and he said hit them using hands and feet. I asked if he would use anything else he said no. He had said that in a previous placement he had stolen a knife to cut his finger when he was angry. I asked him if he had ever hurt himself with a knife and he said no. He did not admit until Monday in the Psych Ward that he was self harmed by biting himself when upset. He also admitted in the psych ward for the first time that the voices in his dreams said I need to die. That was the first time he said this and that during the weekend he did not exhibit any behavior suicidal or homicidal. I will try to ask for a meeting to ask for the kids back but I am not hopeful. They seem very vindictive and I have accepted that it probably won't go our way. Thanks so much for your response‐it was the one thing that brightened a sad day. ‐ Desperate and Heartbroken

My Final Response:

I'm just gonna tell you Desperate and Heartbroken, for any medical professional to try to charge you with medical neglect for that scenario is absolutely ludicrous. You did nothing wrong and everything right actually. Pulling the kid and placing him in RTC is the most detrimental thing that could have been done. If they were truly looking out for the child's best interest they would have gotten you some counseling.

B.

Her Final Reply:

Bryan,

Well, you really do know what you are talking about‐‐ they don't work in the best interest of the kids. They took the word of the Psych Ward's doctor that saw him for one week over my Psychiatrist opinion. They never signed the release so that the Psychiatrist who had been treating him for the last three months could talk to the doctor on the psych ward and now he is released. The psych ward doctor thinks he fine to be in the same home as his little brother. There is nothing I can do about it. I contacted a lawyer but I have no legal standing to file a plea in court. I am at peace at least that I did everything in my power to help them both but still brokenhearted over losing the two year old.

I thank you for your time and help. May God Bless You!

My Final Thoughts:

Being a foster parent is by no means an easy task. It’s not really a job, sometimes it is if you are a professional therapeutic

foster parent, but otherwise it’s not considered a job. As I had the exchange above I had a few thoughts that may help foster parents along the way, so I came up with a short list of do’s and don’ts for foster parents.

1. Don’t complain to your child’s social worker that she should have informed you prior to placing a child with attachment challenges in your home. First of all, the social worker most likely doesn’t even know what reactive attachment disorder or having attachment challenges means, much less what attachment means. Trying to blame the social worker for failure to disclose information is like blaming your two year old for not telling you he had flushed the keys you were letting him play with down the toilet. Some information you are just going to be lucky to ever receive. Foster children are all victims of trauma. Each and every one of them. Some adapt better than others, some trauma worse than others, but they’ve all experienced trauma and in turn will all have some degree of regulation hence attachment challenges. Any therapist or social worker that tries to tell you otherwise is an idiot.

2. Do educate yourself about early trauma, attachment, and the challenges that come along with foster and adoptive children. There is still a high degree of poor information out there but on the other hand there is a lot of good information out there. Talk to those who’ve gone before you. They are probably your best source of information.

3. Don’t make the child out to be the bad guy if he tells you something or behaves in a way that scares you. Heck most of the time what scares you will scare the social worker too! Except the social worker is scared on two levels: One level being the child’s behavior and the lack of ability to help the child. The second being that you are going to want to disrupt the placement, thus causing the social worker to have to find a new place.

4. Do ask for help. Ask the social worker for a referral to a therapist. Search the internet, attend a seminar, buy some books. Educate yourself and get some support.

5. Don’t suffer silently because you are trying to protect the child or don’t want the child to be removed. This is not good for you or the child. Being a victim is being a victim. If you are just trying to make it through then it’s not going to last anyways. Remember a child has a lot of growing up to do and is going to need a guide, a teacher. If it’s bad now and there is nothing being done that is different, then most likely it’s gonna keep getting bad.

6. Do tell the social worker if you can’t take care of the child. Give them the reason and perhaps they can help you in that area, or not. But either way at least give the child an opportunity to find a home that is suitable to their needs. I personally believe that if every foster parent were taught the love‐based parenting model from A to Z the incidents of

Bryan’s Big Idea (Continued from page 16)



disruption in any foster care program would be reduced by fifty percent. Put the foster parents through a couple of camps and a course of supportive psychotherapy and you could reduce disruptions by another twenty‐five percent. Get the foster parents good support and resources from the very beginning and the disruption rates will drop yet another fifteen percent. The remaining ten percent accounts for folks who think they want to be parents, think they wanna foster, think they can make a living fostering, etc. but aren’t really committed to loving the child for a long time. I think foster care is the only institution where you can exchange one child for another almost as often as you want. I don’t even think they let you do that at the dog pound.

7. Don’t foster to get a baby, fill a void, or change a life. You aren’t gonna be able to foster a baby for very long before it is adopted. Instead go and volunteer at a hospital or a daycare. If you are fostering to fill a void, pretty quickly you’ll find the only void being filled is that one for feeling frustrated and resentful. Children that come from early neglect and abuse are not likely to be the most cuddly, affectionate kiddos on the planet. And don’t foster to change a life. Most likely, the only one to be changed will be your own!

Do foster to love a child and create a home. But, know what that means before getting yourself into it to begin with. Love is enough, when you know what love is. When you are willing to work to overcome your fear, to allow love to be present, it is the only thing you need. But, when you are burdened and afflicted by fear, when those around you are afflicted with fear, love ain’t

so easy and support is critical. I feel that every foster parent should go in to fostering with a mind and heart for adoption. I have exclaimed on many occasions to my friends that are social workers, and I have some wonderful social worker friends who are also wonderful social workers, that disruption rates are so high because foster parents and often times social workers don’t know what the children need. If we understood better what they needed from the very beginning an entirely new paradigm of fostering would occur. In fact, I believe that if just social workers understood more what foster children needed they would recruit differently, thus hire an entirely different breed of foster parent. This alone would dramatically change the landscape of foster care.

Fostering is a great responsibility to undertake. Step into it with courage, passion, understanding and commitment, eyes wide open. This will indeed make a difference.

Choose Love,

B. Chief Love Revolutionary

(P.S. If any foster care agency is ready for a complete Love Revolution give me a call. We’ll create a team, a plan, and things will never be the same again! 405‐476‐1983 just the press of a few buttons to transform lives.)

Bryan’s Big Idea (Continued from page 14)

Raleigh, NC led by Bryan Post and Helene Timpone Dates: May 13‐14

*Also Therapists can join Bryan on May 12, 13 and 14 for a unique therapists training experience:

http://www.postinnercircle.com/therapistcamp

http://www.postinstitute.com

Upcoming POST Attachment Parenting Camps

Join other parents for two information‐packed, twelve hour days as we learn the critical elements of working with difficult children. A parenting camp is an interactive, emotionally‐oriented event developed to give parents deeper insights into the driving motives of their child, the reactive patterns that persist between parent and child, and essential parenting tools for restoring relationship and love within the home.

LaCrosse, Wisconsin led by Kimberly Erickson‐Nichols Dates: April 15‐16; November 18‐19

ARE YOU REGISTERED?

POST Parenting Camps are held throughout the year in:

The 7 BIG Do’s and Don’ts of Successful Foster Parenting

A mother wrote to me the other day:

Bryan,

I thank God for your work and your books on RAD/difficult adopted kids. I am a foster/adopt Mom from Cincinnati, Ohio and found you on YouTube. You have helped me so much with my foster son Tristen. He has bonded with me more in 3 months than anyone in his 6 years thanks to you. He has RAD, ADHD, 5 meds a day and just recently told me that in his dreams a voice tells him to kill his whole family. It has been a rough week because I waited 3 days to see the psychiatrist they say that I am an unfit mother and they deny me the right to visit him in the psych ward. I complained about a social worker placing a RAD kid without telling me and then they removed his two year old brother too! Is there any advocate for foster parents that will help with legal advice?? They say that if he said that if a voice in a dream told him to harm that I should know he was in a psychotic episode!!! I thought he was telling me about a nightmare nothing more.

Please help. I am desperate and heartbroken.

My Response:

Hello Desperate and Heartbroken,

That is a terrible story and I'm sorry that has happened. Does your son have a therapist he has been seeing? This would be a good advocate. I'm gonna tell you, social services can get really nasty and do things that are not in the best interest of this child. At this point, I don't believe they are on your side. You can't take a threatening approach with them. They will just shut down and you'll get nowhere. Play nice. Ask for a meeting with the social worker and the supervisor, see if they can shed some light on the situation. Tell them you just want the kids back. Remember Ohio has been a State with lots of foster child trauma. They are more likely to be reactive as opposed to responsive especially when you start bringing up RAD. Not only that, they don't really know anything about these kids, they are just trying to get them placed!

BRYAN POST’S BIG IDEA OF THE MONTH

I hope it works out for you. Choose Love, B.

She Replied:

Bryan,

Thanks so much for your response‐ I am blown away that you answered my email personally ‐you are the best! I have a psychiatrist that is on my side but no therapist. Tristen (6 year old with RAD) has not had any counseling in the whole time I have had him (5 months). I will request a meeting and apologize for my previous anger on getting a placement of RAD without being told and I will try to play nice. I don't have a lot of hope but I will try. I have a deposition tomorrow to face charges of medical neglect that I denied a child that was homicidal and suicidal medical care. He had told me about a nightmare that


Bryan Post

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