the last word 6/2014

8/12/2019 The Last Word 6/2014

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he Last Word™

Issue #477 June 2014

How cool people roadtrip in Georgia

How do cool people roadtrip?

By...bipping!How do cool people roadtrip in Georgia?

By...bipping in Georgia!

On the weekend of May 24-2 " #i$ited the

%each &tate. 'ro( )incinnati o*r cool$ter cara#an

di$tended thro*gh +ent*cky ,enne$$ee orth )arolina

and &o*th )arolinaand lodged in /*g*$ta on

&at*rday night. On &*nday " went to /tlanta where

'reedo( %ark honor$ 2 fa(o*$ Georgian$0e#.

Martin 1*ther +ing r. and %re$ident i((y )arter.

/$ yo* $ho*ld know 'reedo( %ark wa$ al$o a

oneti(e ho(e of Occ*py /tlantaand in keeping with

thi$ $pirit " wrote 3e are the 5567 on the co((entcard$ at 2 different re$t area$ on thi$ trip. ,hat8$ beca*$ewe are the 556. /nd you are the 556.

On the way down $o(e galoot wa$ $tanding in

the roadway (aking cr*de ge$t*re$ to (otori$t$ on the ra(p to "nter$tate 94: in +no;#ille. %l*$ $o(ebody

ripped a lo*d-and-pro*d b*nker bla$t at a <, ga$ $tation in /nder$on &o*th )arolina. " wa$ $tanding o*t$ide at

one of the ga$ p*(p$ when " heard the *n(i$takable a*dio of a backdoor bree=e drifting (y way fro( acro$$ the

lot.

On the way ho(e " noticed a hilario*$ plopping> &o(ebody had thrown a catalog for 0 acce$$orie$ in

the toilet bowl at a %ilot $tation in )ary#ille ,enne$$ee. ,he $hiny page$ of colorf*l photo$ of ca(per$ bobbed *p

and down in the cool and broccoli water @a$ 1ittle 0i#er Band wo*ld $ayA.

/ll in all a fine ti(e wa$ had.

The umpire strikes back

"8#e been di$appointed in Maor 1eag*e Ba$teball lately beca*$e of the dro*ght of forfeited ga(e$.

"t8$ not *$t beca*$e forfeit i$ a f*nny wordwhich it i$ perhap$ beca*$e of the contortion$ in#ol#ed to

(ake the f $o*nd$ $o clo$e to each other. 'orfeit$ are f*nny beca*$e they add $pice to /(erica8$ national pa$ti(e.

,here8$ *$*ally an *proario*$ $tory behind each forfeit.

"n big leag*e ball a ga(e (ay be forfeited if a ho(e tea( fail$ to pro#ide $afe rea$onable playing

condition$ or in other li(ited circ*($tance$. ,he $core i$ recorded a$ 5 to : and it8$ chalked *p a$ a lo$$ for the

forfeiting tea(e#en if they were winning when the forfeit wa$ declared. /nd that8$ an i(portant detail.

,he $port i$ d*e for a forfeit beca*$e thi$ i$ the longe$t it8$ e#er gone witho*t one. "t8$ *$t like how we8re

d*e for a new con$tit*tional a(end(ent or a C$t $tate. o forfeit$ ha#e been i$$*ed in the (aor$ $ince C55. ,hat

year the 1o$ /ngele$ Dodger$ ga#e o*t $o*#enir ba$eball$ to fan$ at a ga(e again$t the &t. 1o*i$ )ardinal$. 'an$threw the ball$ onto the field after legendary Dodger$ (anager ,o((y 1a$orda wa$ eected fro( the ga(e for

arg*ing with an *(p. ,he people were al(o$t depri#ed of thi$ forfeit a$ it wa$n8t declared *ntil the 5 th inning.

,hat wa$ (ore than *$t a forfeit. "t wa$ a fi#efeit!

"t8$ hard to belie#e $o (any fan$ di$carded keep$ake ba$eball$ that were (eant to be trea$*red fore#er.

"8( a g*y who cringe$ when anything get$ thrown awaylet alone a #al*able $port$ (e(ento like that.Eo* ha#e to go all the way back to C5F5 for the la$t forfeit before that. "8( talking abo*t Di$co

De(olition ight which afflicted )o(i$key %ark ho(e of the )hicago hite &o;. "t wa$ part of a radio

pro(otion in which a local D wo*ld blow *p a h*ge crate f*ll of di$co record$ on the field between ga(e$ of a

do*bleheader. 'olk$ got into the ga(e for only 5 cent$ if they brang along $o(e record$ to be collected for the

e#ent at the entrance. B*t $o(e fan$ $(*ggled the record$ pa$t the gate and fl*ng the( onto the field like fri$bee$

d*ring the ga(e. Many of the thrown record$ beca(e e(bedded *pright in the gra$$ on the field. 'irecracker$ and

li*or bottle$ were al$o thrown onto the field. 1ot$ of people $n*ck into the ga(e after the gate$ were clo$ed.

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,ho$e who co*ldn8t get in $et their record$ on fire o*t$ide the $tadi*(.

,he $econd ga(e of the do*bleheader wa$ forfeited beca*$e the e;plo$ion of the crate and the $tor(ing of

the field by rowdy $pectator$

da(aged the field. /$ (any a$

F::: people had r*$hed onto the playing $*rface and a bonfire wa$

$et in center field ca*$ing (any

attendee$ to dance aro*nd while

carrying b*rning piece$ of broken

record$. %eople were al$o $een

ha#ing $e; behind third ba$e andother$ broke into a nearby ho*$e

and *rinated in the hallway. 0iot

police had to be called.

&o(e ha#e $pec*lated that

the e#ent wa$ organi=ed beca*$e

the D wa$ angry at lo$ing hi$ ob

at another )hicago $tation beca*$e

it $witched to an all-di$co for(at.

B*t a lot of $ocial $cienti$t$ and

(*$ic critic$ ha#e tried reading too

(*ch into the epi$ode.

"t beg$ a$king tho*gh why$o (any people p*rcha$ed di$co

record$ only $o they co*ld hoard

the( and later de$troy the(.

hat8$ the point in b*ying record$

that yo*8re only going to b*rn?

&o(ehow " don8t think thi$ wa$

like that c*lt in "ndependence that

gathered *p all tho$e record$ and

then b*rned the( o#er 3$atanic7

lyric$. " ha#e a clo$e fa(ily

(e(ber who ab$ol*tely hate$ hate$ hates the fact that " don8t throw away all (y old record$and e#erything

el$e that8$ (ore than 9 (onth$ oldb*t tho$e cla$$ic platter$ ha#e pro#ided co*ntle$$ ho*r$ of entertain(entwarped or not. 'act i$ " al(o$t thoro*ghly (i$$ed the )D era$kipping $traight fro( record$ to digital

download$. " relate with the C5F:$ and the 2:C:$ b*t not the decade$ in betweenpolitically or otherwi$e.

,he pre#io*$ forfeit before Di$co De(olition ight wa$ in C5FF when the Balti(ore Oriole$ #ol*ntarily

forfeited to the ,oronto Bl*e ay$ beca*$e the Bl*e ay$ in$i$ted on *$ing a $lippery dangero*$ tarp at their

ballpark. "n C5F4 the )le#eland "ndian$ had to forfeit when dr*nken fan$ got too di$orderlye#en fighting with

the player$ and (ooning each other. / $pectator ran onto the field and tried grabbing a player8$ hat off hi$ head.@/nd yo* tho*ght alcohol-inf*$ed rowdine$$ wa$n8t in#ented *ntil C55I!A "n C5FC the a$hington &enator$ were

forced to forfeit when fan$ $tor(ed the field to prote$t the tea(8$ (o#e to Dalla$. ,he &enator$ had been winning

in the 5th inning.

,he la$t forfeit before the t*rb*lent JF:$ wa$ back in C54 when a brawl a(ong player$ en$*ed. / ga(e

wa$ forfeited in C545 when fan$ threw $oft drink bottle$ and to(atoe$ onto the field.

'orfeit$ were (*ch (ore co((on in earlier year$b*t often for (ore (*ndane rea$on$ $*ch a$ a tea(not arri#ing in ti(e for the ga(e. G*e$$ they took Greyho*nd! /t lea$t once a tea( failed to $how *p beca*$e

they had been (i$takenly told the ga(e wa$ canceled.

Klection$ $ho*ld work like ba$eball. hen a political party apparat*$ i$ ca*ght co((itting high cri(e$

like wire fra*da$ the 0ep*blican$ ha#ethey $ho*ld be re*ired to forfeit all election$ in the ne;t cycle.

/nd(*ch like how the hite &o; had Di$co De(olition ightwe $ho*ld ha#e ,ea %arty De(olition

ight. e $ho*ld get a $port$ tea( or $o(e other organi=ation to help *$ collect ,ea %arty propaganda flyer$ and

p*blicly blow the( *p. " wa$ ali#e in C5F5 and " know that the backla$h again$t the ,ea %arty i$ (*ch $tronger

than that again$t di$co. ,he top I $ong$ in the nation d*ring the week of Di$co De(olition ight were all by di$co

perfor(er$ b*t the c*rrent %re$ident @who wa$ handily reelectedA i$ by all acco*nt$ not a ,ea %arty (e(ber. &o

what wa$ really (ore *npop*lardi$co or the ,ea %arty? %l*$ politic$ i$ a far (ore $erio*$ (atter than changing

(*$ical ta$te$$o the recoil again$t the ,ea %arty need$ to be *nder$cored.

1ife i(itate$ ba$eball!

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ubs !or!eit 400"pound cake

hile we8re on the $*bect of ba$eball forfeit$ " recently $t*(bled *pon a $tory in which the )hicago

)*b$ forfeited a 4::-po*nd cake.

,o celebrate rigley 'ield8$ C::th birthday the tea( co((i$$ioned a gigantic birthday cake patterned

after the $tadi*(. ,hi$ chocolate and #anilla de$$ert weighed 4:: po*nd$ and (ea$*red feet on each $ide. "t

re*ired 4 baker$ to prepare thi$ cake and it took 9 whole day$.

/nd the )*b$ wo$ted it all.

/fter the cake wa$ briefly di$played at a ga(e and other e#ent$ it wa$ fo*nd in a d*(p$ter$(a$hed to

bit$ like a pie in the face of O$car the Gro*ch. obody had eaten a $ingle cr*(b of it.

,he )*b$8 3rea$oning7 for $*andering thi$ cake that

co*ld ha#e fed a =illion i$ that a cake of that $i=e ine#itably

incl*de$ part$ that are not edible. ot only that b*t they had

let the cake pick *p filth by di$playing it in $o (any place$.,he line abo*t the cake ha#ing inedible piece$ re(ind$

(e of a f*nny $tory. Once year$ ago " wa$ at a fa(ily

wedding reception where each g*e$t got a $lice of cake. /$ "

de#o*red (y $lice " bit down on $o(ething a$ hard a$ a rock

e(bedded in the cake. " tried to chew it b*t it wa$ too hard

and " al(o$t $wallowed it whole. hen that failed to achie#e

de$ired re$*lt$ " $pit the obect o*t and di$co#ered it wa$ a

$(all white decorati#e pla$tic bird that " didn8t $ee at fir$t beca*$e it had blended in with the icing.

1ife i(itate$ ba$eball again!

lide slide slippit$"slide%%%

,he worldwide pa$ti(e of draining bodily fl*id$ onto

playgro*nd $lide$ ha$ arri#ed in Belle#*e!

1ately folk$ on 'acebook ha#e la(ented the decline of

Belle#*e8$ &wope %ark. One feller $aid he took hi$ fa(ily there

and noticed a birthday party going awry. He $aid participant$ in

thi$ party kept throwing e(pty li*or bottle$ e#erywhere and one of the(apparently a grown (an*rinatedon the $lide. /ttendee$ of thi$ party al$o c*$$ed and openly $(oked (ari*ana.

&o(eone re$ponded to the 'acebook po$t 3ho pee$ in a $lide? "n front of people? "n broad daylight?7

/nother replied 3e are not a city that $ho*ld or will p*t *p with thi$ type of beha#ior.7

1ife i(itate$ a ba$eball riot!

&ould $ou like some toilets with that whine'

/fter Greyho*nd al(o$t p*l#eri=ed the &t. 1o*i$ road(eet back in Marchwhen *ne;plained delay$

ca*$ed (e to be 9 ho*r$ late getting ho(e"8#e noticed that their 'acebook page i$ filled pri(arily with people

rightly co(plaining abo*t $i(ilar delay$ and lo$t l*ggage.

B*t $o(e people are whiner$.

3aaaaah!7 they $ay when a pre$idential pre$$ conference pree(pt$ The Chew. 3Boo hoo!7 they cry whenthe city doe$n8t erect &L-only parking $pace$. 3Da((it to hell!7 they e;clai( when their *ni#er$ity won8t f*nd

their pet ca*$e$ by (aking other $t*dent$ pay acti#ity fee$.

One $*ch crybaby fo*nd her way onto Greyho*nd8$ 'acebook page. "n$tead of being concerned with$o(ething i(portant like the b*$e$ getting people to their de$tination on ti(e $he talked abo*t toilet$.

Here8$ what $he had to $ay abo*t the wo(en8$ la#atory at the Greyho*nd ter(inal in /tlanta...

(This was taken at $our downtown )tlanta location at 12 midnight% It is still looking likethis at 12*41% This is unacceptable%+

,hat co(plaint wa$ acco(panied by a photo of a toilet with a big (o*ntain of toilet paper ne;t to it. ,he

toilet paper howe#er wa$ not poopy. /t wor$t @be$t?A $o(eone had (erely yanked (o$t of the toilet paper off

the roll and let it pile *p on the floor. ,here appeared to $till be $o(e toilet paper left on the roll.

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"t wa$n8t e#en a plopping! How di$appointing!

,hi$ po$t wa$ followed byhey what8$ that $o*nd " hear?

Do yo* hear that?

"t8$ the world8$ $(alle$t #iolin! /nd it8$ playing *$t for yo*! /aawwwww!

,irro the -ero strikes again

,he garbled ,ea %arty o*trage fro( eanine %irrothe ha$-been , *ri$t who now people$ 'o; ew$

)hannelcontin*e$ with *nabated =e$t!0ecently on her 'acebook page %irro tried bla(ing %re$ident Oba(a for the eteran$ /ffair$ $candal.

&he $aid the Oba(a ad(ini$tration i$ the 3(o$t lawle$$ in /(erican hi$tory.7

&o " po$ted thi$ reply...

(The .most lawless in )merican histor$/''' ou should change $our name to .JudgeJeanine -ero%/+

&o $he did. *$t oking!

)opyright 2:C4. /ll right$ re$er#ed.

the last word 6/2014

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