the lonely halo
DESCRIPTION
How a young family coped in the first year after Mummy died. Two children, Laura aged 9 and Ned aged 4, and heir father Andy, ar greatly helped by the image of a halo, made of love and memories. A year later they make a "special goodbye" for Mummy, after which they don't need the halo any more.TRANSCRIPT
C H A P T E R 1
When Mummy died
Once% upon% a% time% there% was% a% little%
house,% where% the% Smith% family% lived.%
There%were%four%people%in%the%family:%
Andy,% Liz% and% their% two% children,%
Laura%and%Ned.%
They%did%all%the%things%that%families%
do.%Daddy%and%Mummy%went%to%work,%the%
children% played% with% their% friends.%
They% liked% to% visit% Granny% and%
Grandpa,%and%they%loved%going%camping.%
Then%one%day,%when%Laura%was%nine%and%
a% half% and% Ned% was% just% four,% Daddy%
said,%“Mummy%has%gone%to%the%hospital%
because%she%is%very,%very%ill.”
1
The$ages$of$the$
children$in$this$
story$encompass$two$
stages$of$childhood:$
Ned$represents$the$
innocent$younger$
child$who$may$ask$
the$direct$hurtful$
question,$but$who$
needs$equally$direct$
answers.$
Laura$represents$the$
older$child$who$may$
be$forced$to$suborn$
his/her$own$feelings$
to$the$remaining$
parent,$in$order$to$
preserve$the$
integrity$of$the$
family$unit.$$
There$is$a$danger$
that$the$oldest$
child$in$the$family,$
if$a$girl,$can$begin$
to$take$the$place$of$
the$lost$mother.This$
story$attempts$to$
show$a$family$where$
this$does$not$
happen.$Both$
children$are$allowed$
their$childhood.
Mummy% was% ill% for% a% long%
time,%and%Ned%and%Laura%missed%
her%very%much.%Sometimes%Daddy%
looked%so%sad%that%Laura%gave%
him% a% special% hug% to% make% it%
better.% Sometimes% the% house%
was% so% quiet% that% Ned% played%
motorbikes% all% over% the% place%
and%made%lots%of%noise.
Ned% asked,% “Can% we% go% and%
see%Mummy%in%the%hospital?”
Daddy%looked%very%sorry%when%
he% said,% “No,% I’m% afraid% you%
can’t,% because% Mummy% is% so%
ill”.
Every% day% Laura% and% Ned%
looked% at% Mummy’s% photograph%
and% longed% for% her% to% come%
back%to%them.
The% next% day% was% the% beginO
ning% of% the% sad% time.% Granny%
and% Grandpa% came% to% stay% and%
Daddy% stayed% at% the% hospital%
all%day%and%all%night.%
Then%one%day%Daddy%came%home%
2
A$long$period$of$
hospitalisation$is$a$
hard$time,$and$
children$are$often$
kept$way.$In$this$
case$the$mother$was$
in$intensive$care,$
and$visitors$C$even$
children$C$were$not$
allowed.$
In$this$case$the$
children$were$denied$
the$chance$to$say$
goodbye,$which$
proves$important$
later$in$this$story.
The$father$gives$the$
children$the$whole$
truth,$without$any$
embroidery$to$
confuse$them.$
The$public$sharing$
of$tears$at$this$
stage$helps$the$
children$to$see$that$
the$open$sharing$of$
tears$is$acceptable.$
These$children$will$
not$be$forced$to$
grieve$in$private,$
feeling$guilty$for$
showing$their$true$
feelings$to$others.$
and%said%Mummy%had%died%and%would%not%
be%coming%home%any%more.%
Then% everyone% cried% a% lot% and%
people%were%very%silent%and%sad.
Laura%said%she%had%a%tummy%pain%and%
didn’t%want%her%dinner%because%Mummy%
wasn’t% there.% Ned% said% he% felt% sick%
and%wouldn’t%eat%because%Mummy%wasn’t%
there.% Daddy% gave% them% a% hug% but%
still% Mummy% wasn’t% there.% Grandpa%
took%them%to%the%park%but%they%didn’t%
want% to% play% because% Mummy% wasn’t%
there.
%
3
The$refusal$of$food$
is$a$common$first$
sign$of$pining$for$
their$mother,$as$
food$has$a$strong$
association$with$
her.
C H A P T E R 2
The halo
%Every% night% they% went% into% the%
bedroom%and%looked%at%the%picture%of%
Mummy% in% her% white% veil% and% Daddy%
looking% so% happy.% They% knew% that%
Mummy%wasn’t%there%any%more%but%when%
they% looked% at% it,% the% photograph%
seemed% to% glow% with% a% special%
brightness.%
Then% they% went% to% the% church% for%
the% funeral,% and% everyone% wore% black%
clothes%and%there%was%the%coffin%and%
lots%of%flowers.%They%all%went%to%the%
cemetery% and% the% priest% said% prayers%
and%everyone%cried.%
“I% don’t% want% Mummy% to% be% in% that%
hole!”%said%Ned.%
4
Ned$does$come$to$the$
funeral:$it$would$
have$been$a$mistake$
to$keep$him$away.$In$
his$youthful$
innocence$he$does$
not$realise$the$
nature$of$death.$
As$we$shall$see,$his$
father$does$not$
avoid$the$truth$
about$the$body$of$
his$wife$and$their$
mother.$
$
“Don’t%worry%Ned,%it’s%only%Mummy’s%
body.% Her% spirit% is% still% with% us,”%
said%Daddy.%
Laura% thought% for% a% long% time% and%
then% she% said:% “Can% we% see% Mummy’s%
spirit?”%
This% time% Daddy% was% quiet% for% a%
little% while,% as% if% he% was% thinking%
of%something%important.%Then%he%said:%
“Maybe%if%we%go%into%Mummy’s%room%and%
think%very%hard%about%Mummy,%we%just%
might.”
Then% he% couldn’t% say% any% more%
because%it%made%him%cry.%Laura%cried%
too.%Ned%cuddled%up%close,%because%he%
didn’t% understand.% That% evening% they%
went% into% the% bedroom% and% looked% at%
the% photo% and% thought% and% thought%
about%Mummy.
The% photo% was% very% bright% and% the%
veil%was%very%white,%and%Ned%said:%“I%
can%see%it!%I%can%see%Mummy’s%halo!”
This%made%Daddy%smile%a%little%and%
he% gave% Ned% a% big% hug.% He% said:% “Of%
course% Mummy% has% a% halo!% She% was% so%
5
The$reference$to$the$
spirit$is$designed$
to$appeal$to$readers$
who$grasp$the$
spiritual$side$of$
death.$
Even$if$there$are$
readers$who$do$not$
accept$this,$the$
following$story$can$
still$be$meaningful,$
for$there$are$
intangible$remains$
of$this$woman:C$ie.$
love$and$memories.
The$first$reference$
to$the$“halo.”$This$
concept$means$
something$different$
to$each$member$of$
the$family.$
Ned$provides$the$
idea,$and$his$need$
to$“see”$the$halo$is$
fuelled$by$a$need$to$
find$something$real$
to$hold$on$to$in$the$
midst$of$so$many$
mysteries.$
As$their$father$
recognises,$the$halo$
stands$for$something$
very$real$for$his$
children.The$idea$
delights$him$and$he$
readily$accepts$that$
this$is$what$his$
children$want$to$
believe.$$$
special% and% we% loved% her% so% much,%
why%shouldn’t%she%have%a%halo!”
Sure% enough,% when% they% looked% at%
the% picture,% there% was% the% halo.% It%
shimmered%and%moved%in%the%darkness.%
It% was% made% of% love% and% light% and%
memories.
That%was%the%beginning%of%the%dark%
time.% It% was% winter% time% and% it%
always% seemed% to% be% dark.% Every% day%
they% went% to% look% at% the% halo,% but%
Laura% thought% that% Daddy% didn’t% see%
it% as% well% as% they% did.% There% were%
even%some%days%when%Laura%had%to%try%
really%hard%to%see%it,%but%when%Ned%
said,% “There% it% is!% I% can% see% it!”%
it% seemed% to% come% back% again,% glowO
ing%in%the%darkness.
Sometimes% Laura% missed% Mummy% so%
much% it% was% like% a% tummy% ache% that%
wouldn’t% go% away.% Daddy% didn’t% cry%
so%much%any%more.%He%was%always%busy%
with%the%washing%and%making%meals.%
Laura% and% Ned% tried% to% help,% but%
often% Daddy% pushed% them% away.% Laura%
6
$$$
$$The$rest$of$this$
story$is$written$
mainly$from$Laura’s$
point$of$view.$
This$is$the$writer’s$
attempt$to$draw$out$
of$the$emotional$conC
fusion$in$this$
family$some$sense$of$
a$recovery$process.$
The$initial$psychoC
logical$and$physical$
adjustments$to$the$
loss$require$more$
emotional$energy$
than$anyone$can$
provide.$There$is$a$
loss$of$faith$when$
the$halo$dims.$
The$children$choose$
not$to$speak$to$
their$father$about$
their$feelings$in$
order$to$save$his.
$The$danger$here$is$
that$this$pattern$$
of$deliberate$
emotional$restraint$
will$be$perceived$$
as$bravery,$and$will$
persist$for$many$
months,$or$even$
years.
asked%Ned%if%he%had%a%tummy%ache%too.%
He% said% he% did% but% they% thought% it%
would% be% better% not% to% tell% Daddy,%
because%he%seemed%to%just%want%to%be%
quiet.
At% school% Laura% told% Mrs% Evans%
about% the% tummy% ache,% and% Mrs% Evans%
was%very%kind.%She%gave%Laura%a%hug.%
They%went%into%the%staff%room%and%Mrs%
Evans% made% Laura% some% hot% chocolate.%
They% sat% there% quietly% for% a% while.%
Then% Mrs% Evans% asked% Laura% if% she%
would%like%the%class%to%know%why%she%
was%very%sad.%%
Laura% felt% a% bit% funny% about% this,%
but%she%said%she%didn’t%mind.%So%Mrs%
Evans% told% the% class% how% Laura% was%
feeling,%and%everyone%cried,%even%Mrs%
Evans.% They% all% drew% a% picture% of%
what% they% felt% like.% Laura% tried% to%
draw% the% halo,% but% it% kept% going%
wrong.% She% screwed% up% the% paper% and%
threw%it%away.%
When% she% got% home% she% was% really%
cross% with% Ned% and% made% him% cry.% Of%
course% he% went% to% Daddy.% Daddy% got%
7
$$
When$grieving$$
children$feel$that$
they$cannot$speak$
about$their$feelings$
to$the$remaining$
parent,$they$may$
approach$a$teacher$
or$other$carer.$This$
requires$sensitive$
handling.$However$
motherly$the$teacher$
may$be,$she$can$
never$replace$the$
lost$mother.
$Laura’s$feelings$
are$acknowledged$and$
respected.$She$is$
not$held$up$to$the$
class$as$a$figure$of$
tragedy$who$they$
must$“be$nice$to”.$
Her$permission$is$
sought$to$mention$it$
to$the$others.The$
subsequent$exercise$
enables$her$to$get$
in$touch$with$some$
feelings$of$anger.$
She$takes$this$
feeling$home$with$
her$and$expresses$
herself$aggresC
sively.$She$is$
punished,$but$not$
too$severely.
If$she$remained$
unpunished$at$this$
point,$Ned$would$
have$seen$it$as$
unfair$and$this$
would$cause$
resentment.
cross%too%so%Laura%had%to%go%to%bed.%
She%just%lay%there%for%ages,%wishing%
and% wishing% that% Mummy% would% come%
back.%
Paula% came% in% every% evening% after%
school% to% be% with% them,% but% they%
didn’t% want% to% play% their% usual%
games.% Laura% didn’t% even% like%
watching%TV%any%more.%She%didn’t%want%
to%say%very%much.%She%just%looked%out%
of%the%window%and%wished%and%wished.
Each%day%after%school%Ned%wanted%to%
be%the%baby,%but%Laura%didn’t%want%to%
play% that% game.% She% played% doctors%
and%nurses%and%she%made%pretend%mediO
cines% for% Paula% and% Ned% so% they%
wouldn’t%be%ill%and%wouldn’t%have%to%
go% to% hospital.% Ned% didn’t% take% his%
medicine% so% she% hit% him% hard.% Paula%
was%very%cross%with%her%and%Laura%had%
to%go%to%bed%early%that%night%too.%
Then% one% night% Laura% had% a% dream%
that% made% her% very% worried.% She%
dreamed% that% the% halo% was% lonely%
there%in%the%room.%She%knew%that%the%
halo% didn’t% belong% there,% locked% in%
8
Normal$life$is$only$
attempted.$Normal$
play$is$impossible.$
A$morbid$interest$in$
illness$and$death$is$
common$among$
bereaved$children.
Playing$the$nurse$
and$the$giving$of$
medicine$may$be$
Laura’s$way$of$
expressing$her$fears$
that$the$others$in$
the$family$may$die$
too.$
The$way$children$
play$at$this$point$
needs$to$be$observed$
carefully,$for$they$
may$play$out$what$
they$can’t$feel$or$
say.$Eg.$Laura$may$
be$angry$at$her$
mother$for$not$
taking$her$medicine.$
Laura’s$dream$is$the$
first$sign$of$a$new$
development:$the$
halo$is$no$longer$
sufficient$to$conC
tain$the$children’s$
feelings$of$grief$
and$loss.
$$
the% room% O% that% it% was% time% to% open%
the%window%and%let%it%go.%
At%breakfast%time%she%said:%“Daddy,%
I%think%the%halo%is%lonely.”%
Daddy% looked% at% her% with% a% long,%
puzzled% look.% “Why% do% you% think%
that?”
Laura% didn’t% know.% “I% just% had% a%
dream%about%it.”%
Laura% knew% how% much% Daddy% and% Ned%
wanted% the% halo% to% stay% there% and%
comfort% them.% She% tried% to% forget%
about% the% dream,% but% every% evening%
they% went% into% the% room.% She% tried%
and% tried,% but% the% halo% was% fading.%
It% seemed% to% be% so% lost% and% alone%
there,%trapped%in%the%room.%
She% wondered% every% day% what% would%
happen% if% she% opened% the% window% and%
let% it% go.% She% even% crept% into% the%
room% one% morning% when% no% one% was%
around,% and% was% just% going% to% open%
the% window% when% she% heard% Daddy’s%
footsteps%on%the%stairs.%She%ran%out%
again.%
9
$$Laura$is$able$to$
begin$to$speak$to$
her$father$about$her$
feelings$through$the$
medium$of$the$halo.
$By$now$this$is$a$
regular$family$
ritual,$a$way$of$
keeping$Mummy$with$
them.$The$halo$
concept$is$beginning$
to$wear$thin$for$
Laura.$
It$can$happen$that$
rituals$set$up$
initially$to$cope$
with$the$shock$and$
numbness$of$
disbelief$may$ossify$
and$become$
meaningless.$
Unless$this$is$
discussed$openly$the$
ritual$may$continue$
indefinitely.$In$
this$case$Laura’s$
first$attempt$to$disC
cuss$it$is$cut$short$
by$her$concern$for$
the$needs$of$the$
rest$of$the$family.
However,$she$
remains$
secretly$uneasy$
about$the$halo$
being$trapped.
C H A P T E R 3
The special goodbye
Gradually,%the%weather%got%warmer%and%
the%sun%shone%a%little%more.%Ned%and%
Laura% both% had% new% bikes% and% they%
spent% a% long% time% riding% around% the%
paths.% The% days% got% lighter% and%
lighter% until% one% evening% when% they%
went%into%the%room%it%was%almost%too%
light% to% see% the% halo.% Laura% wanted%
so%much%to%set%the%halo%free.
“The%sun%is%stealing%the%light%from%
the%halo,”%said%Ned%one%day.
%Laura%had%an%idea.%“Maybe%the%halo%
10
In$this$new$warmth,$
the$support$of$the$
halo$is$not$needed$
so$much.$
When$Ned$seems$to$be$
changing$his$mind$
about$it,$Laura$
jumps$in$quickly$
with$a$suggestion.$
$
.
is% made% out% of% sunshine,”% she% said,%
and% it% needs% to% be% outside% in% the%
sun.”
% Daddy% didn’t% seem% to% understand%
how% lonely% the% halo% was.% He% just%
said,%in%a%soft%voice,%“Mummy’s%halo%
is%made%of%love%and%light.%It%is%made%
of%our%love%for%her%and%her%love%for%
us.”%
Then% he% cried% into% his% hands% with%
big% deep% sobs.% Laura% and% Ned% were%
frightened% because% they% had% never%
heard% Daddy% cry% like% that% before.%
Laura% knew% that% Daddy% badly% needed%
the% halo% to% stay% with% them.% She%
couldn’t% let% it% fly% away% because% he%
would% be% so% lost% without% it% to%
comfort%him.%
They% both% hugged% him% until% they%
were%sure%he%was%OK.%The%next%day%he%
seemed% better% and% he% even% smiled% a%
bit% more.% Laura% thought% that% maybe%
something% good% had% happened% to% him,%
but% she% didn’t% quite% know% what% it%
was.
11
Then$however,$we$see$
that$the$father,$who$
has$been$holding$his$
own$for$a$long$time$
without$support,$has$
come$to$rely$on$this$
ritual$more$than$the$
children.$
For$him$the$halo$now$
has$a$new$reality$–$
it$is$$a$sign$of$the$
loving$relationship$
with$his$wife$that$
he$does$not$want$to$
end.$
By$speaking$of$his$
love$and$realising$
the$extent$of$his$
need,$he$makes$a$
step$forward$in$
integrating$this$
loss$into$his$life.$
So% Laura% decided% that% the% lonely,%
pale% little% halo% must% stay% in% the%
room%after%all.%Daddy%needed%it,%Ned%
needed% it% and% perhaps% she% did% too.%
After% all,% when% she% looked% at% the%
photo% the% ache% inside% went% away% a%
little.%
Then,%as%time%went%by,%Laura%began%
to%realise%that%Daddy%wanted%to%tell%
them% something.% Each% time% they% went%
into% the% bedroom% he% looked% as% if% he%
wanted% to% speak,% but% he% seemed% to%
change% his% mind% at% the% last% minute.%
It% went% on% like% that% until% one% warm%
evening,% when% Ned% happened% to% say,%
“We% mustn’t% open% the% window% Daddy%
must%we?”%
Daddy%sat%down%on%the%bed%and%took%
Ned% onto% his% knee.% “Well,”% Ned% went%
on,% “if% we% do,% the% halo% will% fly%
away.”
Daddy% just% looked% away% and% said%
nothing.% Then% Laura% decided% to% say%
what% she% had% been% thinking% for% so%
long.% “Maybe% the% halo% is% lonely% and%
wants% to% fly% away% back% to% the% sun,”%
12
Andy’s$sudden$
vulnerability$
momentarily$disturbs$
the$children,$but$
they$only$want$to$
comfort$him,$not$to$
be$comforted$
themselves.$
They$are$an$
important$source$of$
comfort$for$their$
father$and$are$
allowed$to$be$so.
Seeing$her$father’s$
need,$Laura$decides$
they$must$hold$onto$
the$old$ritual.$She$
recognises$her$own$
need$for$it$too.
The$whole$family$is$
beginning$to$realise$
that$the$time$has$
come$for$a$change.
$$$$
she% said.% “Shall% we% open% the% window%
now,%Daddy?”%
Daddy% thought% and% said.% “Let’s%
wait,%just%a%bit%longer,%until%we%are%
quite%ready.%Then%when%we%are%really%
ready,%we%will%open%the%window.”
Many%days%went%by.%Each%day%it%just%
didn’t% seem% to% be% the% right% day% for%
opening%the%window.%
Then% one% day% Ned% peeped% into% the%
room% in% the% morning,% and% the% window%
was%open!%
“Daddy!% Daddy!% The% window% is% open!%
Mummy’s%halo%has%flown%away!”
Daddy% looked% a% bit% annoyed.% “I%
think%Paula%must%have%opened%it,%she%
doesn’t%know%about%the%halo.”%Then%he%
said,% “Never% mind,% this% evening% we%
can% go% and% say% goodnight% just% the%
same.”
That% evening% they% went% into% the%
room.% Ned% cried% out:% “The% halo% is%
still%there!%I%can%see%it!”%%
“No,% you% can’t,”% said% Laura,%
13
It$is$Ned’s$innocent$
directness$that$
provides$the$
opening.$
Very$young$children$
are$often$a$vehicle$
to$open$expression$
of$feeling.$They$
have$fewer$
inhibitions$about$
speaking$out.$This$
can$be$welcomed$and$
used.$
The$father$
recognises$that$to$
relinquish$this$
support$will$be$
difficult$and$must$
not$be$done$hastily.$$
firmly.%“It%has%flown%away%now.”%%
They%all%stood%there%for%a%moment.%
Laura% wondered% what% they% would% do%
now.% Then% Daddy% said:% “Let’s% say%
goodnight% to% the% halo% out% of% the%
window,%shall%we?”
They% all% looked% out.% There% were%
lots%of%stars.%Ned%looked%up%into%the%
dark%sky.%“Is%the%halo%in%the%stars?%
“%he%asked.%Laura%wanted%so%much%for%
the% halo% to% be% still% out% there,%
somewhere.% “I% think% it% is,”% said%
Laura.%But%Daddy%said%nothing.
So%the%next%evening,%when%they%went%
into% the% room% to% say% goodnight% to%
Mummy% in% the% photo,% Laura% and% Ned%
went% to% the% window% to% look% out% and%
see%the%stars.%
Ned% looked% and% looked% for% a% long%
time.%Then%he%said%in%a%little%voice,%
“I%want%Mummy,%and%my%tummy%hurts.”
%“So%do%I,”%said%Laura.%Daddy%just%
hugged%them%and%said%nothing.%
% “I% want% the% halo% to% come% back,”%
said%Ned,%but%the%halo%had%gone.
14
However$cautious$the$
surviving$parent$may$
be,$outsiders$with$
the$best$of$
intentions$may$
trample$on$feelings.$$
In$this$case$the$
father$recognises$
the$attachment$to$
the$ritual$and$
allows$space$for$
goodCbyes.$This$may$
require$some$quick$
thinking.$
Mourning$is$all$
about$goodbye,$and$
whatever$else$may$be$
lost$subsequently$
will$have$attached$
to$it$extra$feelings$
of$loss.$
Anything$lost$that$
can$be$mourned$
properly,$be$it$a$
lost$bicycle$or$a$
figment$of$a$young$
child’s$imagination,$
will$provide$a$
vehicle$for$feelings$
about$the$lost$
parent.$
Laura$wanted$the$
halo$to$be$set$free,$
but$after$all$she$
cannot$bear$the$
thought$of$it$being$
not$there.
That%was%the%beginning%of%the%empty%
time.% Laura’s% tummy% ache% was% there%
every%day,%but%she%had%forgotten%what%
it%was%like%not%to%have%it.%When%Mrs%
Evans%asked%her%how%she%was,%she%just%
said%she%was%alright.%She%didn’t%want%
to%talk%about%Mummy%any%more.
She% just% wished% Mummy% hadn’t% died%
and% left% them% all% alone.% She% didn’t%
like% Daddy’s% cooking,% and% she% hated%
having% to% do% the% washing% up% all% the%
time.%The%house%just%didn’t%seem%like%
home% any% more.% The% photo% was% just% a%
photo,% not% Mummy,% with% her% funny%
laugh%and%nice%smell.
Laura% wanted% to% smell% Mummy’s%
smell.% She% went% to% the% chest% of%
drawers.%There%were%some%of%the%nice%
soft%scarves%Mummy%used%to%wear.%They%
smelled% just% like% Mummy.% So% Laura%
gave% one% to% Ned% to% smell% too.% He%
liked%it%and%took%it%everywhere%with%
him.% % Sometimes% Laura% just% liked% to%
put% her% face% in% the% drawer% and%
breathe% in% all% the% wonderful% smell,%
but%it%made%the%tummy%ache%come%back.
15
The$loss$of$the$
ritual$triggers$the$
first$feelings$of$
genuine$loss$to$
these$children.
$Their$yearning$for$
their$mother$is$
their$feeling$and$
there$is$nothing$
their$father$can$do$
except$be$there$and$
hug$them$when$they$
need$it.
He$does$not$attempt$
to$try$and$make$it$
better.$
There$is,$after$all,$
nothing$he$can$do$to$
achieve$this$in$any$
case.$
They$face$the$fact$
that$the$halo$is$
gone,$which$takes$
them$a$step$nearer$
to$acknowledging$
their$own$loss.
% Laura% began% to% feel% a% funny,%
uneasy%feeling%as%if%she%wanted%to%do%
something,%but%she%didn’t%know%what.%
It% felt% as% if% the% halo% was% still%
there,%asking%to%be%let%out.%
One% night% she% dreamed% about% the%
halo,%trapped%inside%the%room.%In%her%
dream% she% tried% to% open% the% window,%
but% it% was% locked.% When% she% woke% up%
and% went% into% the% bedroom% in% the%
morning,%the%window%was%open.%The%curO
tains% were% waving% in% the% breeze.%
There%was%no%halo%there.%
Downstairs%in%the%kitchen%she%said%
to%Daddy,%“I%wish%Paula%hadn’t%opened%
the%window.”
Daddy% looked% puzzled.% He% didn’t%
seem%to%understand,%so%Laura%said,%“I%
wish%we%had%opened%the%window%to%let%
the% halo% out,% when% we% were% quite%
ready.”
Daddy% sat% down% with% the% tea% towel%
on%his%lap.
Ned%said:%“I%want%the%halo%back.”
16
Feelings$of$
emptiness$come$after$
loss$is$
acknowledged.$There$
is$a$trace$of$
Laura’s$anger$with$
her$mother$here,$as$
expressed$through$
her$rejection$of$the$
things$linked$with$
her:C$food,$photos,$
home$and$clothes.$
Her$feelings$can$be$
accepted$as$long$as$
they$are$expressed$
in$appropriate$ways.$$
A$sullen$silence,$
lack$of$coCoperation$
and$a$lack$of$appeC
tite$may$indicate$
this$stage.$$Under$
the$anger$lies$the$
deep$longing,$and$
the$craving$for$some$
physical$contact.$
Clothing$is$a$
wonderful$memoryC$
jogger,$and$should$
not$be$disposed$of$
too$soon,$but$made$
available$to$the$
children$and$above$
all,$not$washed.$
Daddy% put% his% hand% on% Ned’s%
shoulder%and%thought%for%a%bit.
“We% ought% to% have% done% that,%
shouldn’t%we?%When%we%were%ready,%at%
just%the%right%time.”
“But% we% didn’t,% did% we?”% said%
Laura.% “I% want…….”% But% she% didn’t%
know%what%she%wanted.%
“Let% me% think% about% it,”% said%
Daddy.% “I’m% sure% there% is% something%
we%can%do.%It’s%about%saying%goodbye,%
isn't%it?“%Tears%came%up%in%his%eyes%
but%he%wiped%them%away.
Over% the% next% few% days% Daddy% was%
making%lots%of%phone%calls.%He%seemed%
to% be% organising% something,% but% he%
wouldn’t%say%what%it%was.%
Then%one%day%he%said:%“It%is%almost%
a% year% since% Mummy% died,% and% we% are%
going%to%make%a%special%goodbye,%all%
of%our%own.”
The%special%goodbye%was%going%to%be%
on% the% next% Tuesday,% and% there% were%
lots%of%things%to%do%to%get%ready.%
17
New$stages$of$
grieving$may$be$
first$perceived$as$
vague$feelings$of$
unease,$and$a$desire$
for$some$kind$of$
change.$This$may$be$
reflected$in$dreams$
that$children$may$
speak$about.$
This$is$another$way$
of$knowing$what$is$
going$on$in$their$
minds.$Here$Laura$is$
asking$indirectly$
for$a$ritual$of$
letting$go.
She$is$using$the$
halo’s$precipitate$
“departure”$as$a$
metaphor$for$her$
mother’s$sudden$and$
premature$death.
This$father$manages$
to$listen$to$his$
children$and$their$
needs.$He$does$not$
let$the$fact$that$he$
must$run$the$house$
to$distract$him$from$
what$is$most$
important.$The$
primary$aim$at$this$
time$must$to$contain$
and$integrate$this$
loss.$
The$loss$of$a$parent$
in$early$life$is$one$
of$the$most$damaging$
events$any$person$
can$experience.
First% of% all% they% had% to% choose%
something% that% reminded% them% of%
Mummy.
Ned%went%into%the%bedroom%and%took%
the% special% photo% of% Mummy% in% the%
white% dress% with% Daddy% smiling,% and%
that%was%his%choice.
Laura%went%to%the%chest%of%drawers%
and% pulled% out% a% big% scarf% on% gold%
and%blue%that%smelled%of%her%perfume,%
and%that%was%her%choice.%
Daddy%went%to%the%desk,%and%found%a%
letter%in%Mummy’s%big%curly%writing,%
and%that%was%his%choice.%
“Now% we% can% each% make% something,”%
said%Daddy.%
“Shall% we% make% a% picture?”% asked%
Ned,%and%Laura%knew%just%what%she%had%
to%do.%
“I%am%going%to%draw%Mummy’s%halo.”%
Ned% wanted% to% do% that% too,% so% they%
made% it% together.% They% coloured% it%
yellow% and% stuck% silver% paper% all%
over%it%until%it%glittered.%
18
The$change$in$
atmosphere$is$at$
once$apparent.$The$
family$becomes$
active$and$focussed.$
The$joint$creation$
of$a$public$ritual$
of$mourning$with$
full$participation$
of$all$parties$
involved$will$help$
integrate$this$loss$
into$their$lives.$
Objects$provide$a$
focus$for$feelings$
and$are$very$
important$and$
meaningful.$
They$also$can$
symbolise$aspects$of$
the$character$of$the$
deceased$person.
Here$is$a$different$
kind$of$halo.$It$is$
a$pale$imitation$of$
the$one$they$lost,$
but$it$is$their$own$
creation.
It$is$a$tangible$
sign$of$the$ritual$
they$shared,$with$
all$its$attendant$
meanings.$$
It$can$be$a$true$
vehicle$for$their$
feelings$in$a$way$
that$the$original$
imagined$concept$of$
a$halo$of$light$
could$not$be
Daddy%was%pleased%with%it,%and%they%
put% it% on% the% side% with% the% other%
precious%things%until%it%was%time%to%
say%goodbye.
%The%next%night%Ned%woke%up%crying.%
“Mummy’s%in%the%hole!!”
Daddy%came%in%and%said:%“We%put%her%
body% in% the% hole,% but% she% doesn’t%
need% it% any% more.% Would% you% like% to%
go% and% see% the% grave?% Yes,% in% the%
morning%we%will%go%there.”
In% the% morning% they% went% to% the%
cemetery,% and% there% was% a% big% stone%
slab% with% some% writing% on% it.% Laura%
read%the%words%to%Ned.
“Elizabeth%Smith%O%that’s%Mummy”.
%Ned%asked%Daddy%all%about%the%man%
who%dug%the%hole,%and%the%coffin%and%
the%hearse.%Daddy%explained%all%about%
it..
When%they%got%home%Ned%drew%lots%of%
pictures% all% about% Mummy’s% funeral.%
Then%he%took%them%to%his%new%school.%
His%teachr%Mrs%Johnson%showed%them%to%
the%class.
19
Open$discussion$of$
the$special$service$
may$disturb$younger$
children.$If$there$
are$nightmares,$the$
parent$may$try$to$
soothe$and$distract$
their$child.$
This$father$adC
dresses$his$son’s$$
fear$
straightforwardly.$
His$lack$of$fear$
about$speaking$of$
these$things$is$far$
more$reassuring$than$
any$distraction$may$
have$been.$
The$family$goes$as$
soon$as$possible$to$
the$cemetery$to$
address$the$problem$
head$on.$
This$fearlessness$
enables$Ned$to$speak$
openly$at$his$new$
school.$His$teacher$
respects$his$need$to$
talk.$$
By$showing$the$picC
tures$to$the$class,$
this$teacher$has$
probably$enabled$
some$other$children$
to$face$some$fears$
about$funerals.$
They%all%talked%about%funerals.%Ned%
told%them%about%the%special%goodbye.%
Mrs% Johnson% said% she% would% come% and%
join%them%if%he%wanted.%Ned%said%that%
she%could%come.
Then% it% was% Tuesday% and% time% for%
the%special%goodbye.%
Laura%wore%her%new%blue%dress.%The%
house%was%full%of%people.%Grandma%and%
GrandOdad,%Mrs%Evans%and%Mrs%Johnson%
and% the% neighbours% and% Auntie% Jean%
all%came.%Then%they%all%went%to%the%
church% and% took% the% precious% things%
and% the% halo.% They% put% them% where%
everyone%could%see.%
They%lit%a%candle%for%Mummy%and%put%
it%there%too.
They% made% some% prayers% and% read%
some% poems.% Then% they% all% sang% some%
songs.% They% told% Mummy’s% story,% all%
about% when% she% went% to% school,% and%
worked% as% a% secretary% for% the%
builder’s% merchant,% and% of% course%
when% she% became% a% Mummy.% They% spoke%
about% her% funny% laugh% and% how% she%
20
The$term$“special$
goodbye”$is$meant$to$
imply$any$ritual$of$
mourning$and$letting$
go,$that$may$not$be$
churchCbased.$$
As$we$will$see,$the$
service$enables$the$
expression$of$
feelings,$but$the$
act$of$letting$go$is$
not$achieved$in$a$
service$of$this$
kind.$
Although$it$was$a$
sad$day,$there$were$
some$positive$
feelings$around$at$
last.$
loved%the%garden%and%going%camping.%
Laura% was% glad% they% were% doing%
this.%It%felt%right.%She%felt%really%
proud% that% she% had% a% Mummy% that%
everyone%loved%so%much.
%When%the%service%was%over%they%all%
came%home%for%a%special%tea.%Everyone%
seemed%to%be%laughing%as%much%as%they%
were%crying.%The%house%didn’t%seem%so%
empty%when%people%were%laughing.%
That% night,% Laura% lay% in% bed%
watching%the%light%shine%off%the%halo%
they%had%made.%She%had%an%idea.%
The% more% she% thought% about% it,% the%
better% it% seemed,% so% she% got% out% of%
bed% and% went% into% Daddy’s% room.% He%
was% on% the% bed,% hugging% the% special%
photo.%He%was%crying.%
Laura%went%and%sat%by%him%and%said%
nothing%for%a%long%time.%%
Then% she% said;% “Daddy,% I% know% what%
we%have%got%to%do%now.”
“What’s%that?”%asked%Daddy.
“Tomorrow,% please% may% we% go% to% the%
21
Despite$the$good$
things$in$the$
service,$there$is$
still$some$
unfinished$business.$
The$halo,$having$
been$a$symbol$of$
their$mother’s$love$
for$them$right$from$
the$early$days$of$
mourning,$is$the$
obvious$vehicle$for$
this.$$
Laura,$young$as$she$
is,$has$the$wisdom$
to$know$what$is$
right$for$her$and$
for$them$all.$
Young$children$and$
especially$young$
girls,$are$a$great$
deal$wiser$than$
their$parents$may$
realise.$
This$father$listens$
to$his$daughter$
regularly,$and$is$
rewarded$with$this$
very$clear$and$
sensible$idea.
cemetery%and%take%the%halo%there?”
Daddy% looked% at% her% with% a% long%
look.%“Is%that%what%you%want?”
“Yes.% It’s% time% to% say% goodbye% to%
the%halo%now.”
Very% early% the% next% morning,% when%
everything%was%quiet,%Laura%and%Daddy%
and%Ned%set%off%for%the%cemetery.
The% time% had% come% at% last,% and% it%
felt%like%the%right%thing%to%do.
% They% took% the% halo% in% the% car% to%
the%cemetery.%Laura%and%Ned%carried%it%
along% the% long% rows% of% slabs,% each%
with%a%name%on,%until%they%got%to%the%
one%that%said,%“Elizabeth%Smith.”%
There% they% placed% it% carefully,%
where% the% world% could% see% it.% It%
glittered%bravely%in%the%early%morning%
light.%
They% stood% there% for% a% while,% and%
then% turned% away.% They% walked% slowly%
back%to%the%car,%because%it%was%time%
to%go%to%school.
22
$This$is$a$private$
moment$for$the$
family,$without$
public$display,$but$
it$is$a$sign$to$the$
world$nonetheless$
that$it$is$time$to$
reunite$the$halo$and$
the$person$whose$
love$it$symbolises.
The$light$that$once$
was$comforting$and$
reassuring$is$now$
the$glitter$of$
silver$paper.$
The$children$are$
able$to$turn$away$
and$go$on$with$their$
lives,$taking$the$
love$and$memories$
away$with$them.
They$leave$the$halo$
behind,$because$it$
is$no$longer$needed.
C H A P T E R 4
Grief in families
More%books%by%Althea%Hayton
from%
Wren%Publications
23