the lost nation morning show, an edgy play about an aging talk show host who rolls the dice one last...

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW – a play

Dale Andersen27702 Crown Valley Pkwy

Suite 117, D-4Ladera Ranch, CA [email protected]

562-508-5820

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW

byDale Andersen

© 2005

Cast of Characters

Uncle Tony -- Radio Talk Show host, late 50’sSue -- Radio Talk Show sidekick, late 20’s

Recorded Voices:Woman’s VoiceManager Frank’s VoiceBenny The Landlord’s VoiceChorus Singing Recorded SweepsAndy Anderson’s VoiceUncle Tony’s VoiceSue’s Voice

1


(Interior of scruffy on air radio studio. Big sign reads “WYYY WEDNESDAY, AUG 13, 1999. TONY at main mike, running the board, flipping through stack of photos. SUE, in shorts & bikini top, sits at auxiliary mike, scans newspaper. Sofa jammed against door. Sound of barking in background. Big clock says 9:07 am)

TONY:Your little boy takes great pictures……

SUE:Justin has a good eye.

TONY:He’s gonna be a porno photographer, I have a feeling, when he gets to be about thirty-five years old. You know, like Private Sessions by Justin?

(SUE laughs out loud. Dog bark is louder)It’s nine minutes past nine uh clock. It’s eighty-seven degrees. Uncle Tony and Sue. It’s……it’s gonna be another scorcher.

SUE:Muggy-muggy.

TONY:The humidity is here, great day to stay indoors. Uh……next to the air conditioner. Say, didn’t ace weatherman Andy Anderson predict less humidity today?

SUE:Mmmhmm.

TONY:Well, screw him. He’s worthless. That’s another person we’re pissed off at. We’re pissed off at Angie, Frank the Manager, Benny the Landlord, the Slangels and now Andy Anderson. You see how the list grows? You can add to the list by calling 848-WYYY. What’s the number again, Sue?

SUE:848-WYYY.

2


TONY:Right. 848-WYYY. Day Two of the Big Piss-Off at WYYY. We’re barricaded in the studio and Frank can’t kick us out. Call 848-WYYY and tell us why you’re pissed. Anyway……uh……nine past nine, eighty-seven degrees. Uh……let’s do this……uh……the Lost Nation Morning Show thing.

(TONY starts turntable. Instrumental music)Good mornin’ Lost Nation, this is Uncle Tony and Sue and welcome to the Morning Show and you know as we sing each and every morning when we’re together, HELLO FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS!

TONY & SUE(Singing along to instrumental music)

HELLO FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORSHOW DO YOU DO?WE’RE HERE TO CHAT AND SINGAND WE HOPE WE BRINGSOME HAPPINESS TO YOU.HELLO FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORSHOW DO YOU DO?WE’RE HERE TO CHAT AND SINGAND WE HOPE WE BRINGSOME HAPPINESS TO YOU.HELLO FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORSHOW DO YOU DO?WE’RE HERE TO CHAT AND SINGAND WE HOPE WE BRINGSOME HAPPINESS TO YOU.

TONY:And a special good mornin’ to our wonderful downstairs neighbors, Tom and Sue Ellen Slangel, their lovely son, Mary Ellen, and their really really fine fine dog.

(Sound effect of demented dog barking)Uncle Tony in the morning. And to my right, Sue……Sue & Uncle Tony, what a combination!

(TONY stomps his foot hard on the floor)Uncle Tony and Sue. It’s like……uh……like sour cream and potato chips. It’s like……it’s like peanut butter……uh……and……and……

SUE:Marshmallow fluff?

3


TONY:(TONY stomps his foot hard on the floor again)

Peanut butter and marshmallow fluff? SUE:

Yeah.TONY:

Is that good?SUE:

Mmmm mmm.TONY:

Yeah?(Muffled angry shouts. Sound of something being banged against floor from below. TONY points with pride toward the floor)

SUE:Fluffer nutters.

(TONY stomps on floor again)

TONY:Fluffer nutters? Is that what that.

SUE:You never heard of a fluffer nutter?

TONY:A fluffer nutter? No. Yeah, I did. I heard of a fluffer nutter. But……sounds like……fluff. What’s the nutter?

SUE:Peanut butter.

TONY:Oh, that’s right. Nutter. Peanut butter is nuts.

SUE:Yeah.

TONY:Right. Like you.

4


SUE:Yeah.

TONY:Crazy.

SUE:Yeah!

(More banging & noise from below. TONY beams. For the rest of the play, Tony periodically stomps on the floor after which muffled sounds are heard from below)

TONY:Insane.

(She sits in his lap. They make out)We are insane at WYYY. Insane and pissed. Frank wants to throw us out and we’re not gonna take it. Call us at 848-WYYY. What’s……I’m looking at your fingernails and you.

(Phone light flashes indicating phone call. TONY takes phone off hook. Light stops flashing)

SUE:I have a little star and……and fireworks starburst.

TONY:Hmmmm. Is this a redneck thing?

SUE:The fingernails? No. Are you making fun of Tipton again?

TONY:Well, you live there. I thought when the moon is.

SUE:I’ll have you know Tipton is a wonderful place to live.

TONY:Ok ok. If you say so. Anyway, the nails are very nice.

SUE:They got all kinds of things you can get on your.

TONY:Now, what is it? They put them on or they paint them on?

5


SUE:They paint ‘em on. They’re freehand.

TONY:Wow! That’s cool.

SUE:They do all sorts, like……if you’re going away on a trip.

TONY:Yeah.

SUE:Let’s say to the Caribbean or something, they can put.

TONY:Sharks……little sharks on it?

SUE:No, they put like a grass shack and palm trees and sunsets.

TONY:Oooh wow.

SUE:……They……they get very intricate.

TONY:I guess. It must be a little tiny brush that.

SUE:Yeah, it is. Very, very fine.

TONY:Uh……what’re they charge for all of this?

SUE:Five bucks.

TONY:To put……for each finger?

SUE:Well, for……for each finger design.

TONY:OK. For each finger design……

6


SUE:Mmmhm.

TONY:So.

SUE:It’s not much.

TONY:No! It looks nice.

SUE:Looks sharp.

TONY:Really sharp. As long as it makes you happy. Right? My philosophy is. Better to give it to somebody who does something nice for you than to give it to the doctor.

SUE:(Hops off his lap & returns to her mike)

See, I’m gonna……Ha! Ha! Ha! TONY:

I tell ya, I love the doctors when they take care of you, but screw the doctors when they don’t have to take care of you. I’d rather give it to somebody who’s gonna make me look nice and make me feel happy and do something nice than give it to doctors for medicine. That’s all. It’s that simple. You know, you look very nice this morning.

SUE:Thank you.

TONY:You look happy. You have color in your face.

SUE:Yeah! I……I was very off yesterday. I don’t know what it was.

TONY:You……we both were. It was not a good day.

SUE:Not at all.

7


TONY:It was not a good day. The weather had a lot to do with.

SUE:Oh yeah. For sure. And the Frank thing too.

TONY:Yeah, Frank too. But it’s not really Frank. It’s Angie. Angie’s got him by the shorts. You know, and then……really.

SUE:Well, when it’s like, you know, two hundred fifteen degrees outside.

TONY:Right, the heat……you know……it gets to everyone……even old Iron Butt Angie. Must be a hundred and fifteen inside.

SUE:……A hundred and fifteen inside and ninety-nine point nine per cent humidity.

TONY:Right, and you’re trying to do a show, run a radio station and be happy at the same time. It does not work.

SUE:It’s very hard.

TONY:It sucks. Telling ya. It sure sucks for us. We’re in here barricaded, it’s like a steam bath, inviting all of you to tell us what sucks. Call us at 848-WYYY. So you went……you brought pic……what……what were you gonna say?

SUE:I was gonna say, our life is so rough.

TONY:It……it’s a bitch and then ya die. Now, tell me……you got these……you brought these pictures in……got lots to talk about with you……you saw the……the horse of horses.

SUE:Yeah. I went to the……to the Art Institute in Moline on Sunday to see Il Cavallo.

8


TONY:El cavallo?

SUE:Il.

TONY:Ill. You were sick?

SUE:Il. It’s Italian. Il like in Il Cavallo. It’s a huge, huge statue of a horse. Wait a minute! You’re Italian. You’re supposed to know all this.

TONY:I know. I’m just funnin’ with ya. OK. We’ll talk about Il Cavallo.

SUE:Awesome.

TONY:Yeah. Awesome is the word. The pictures are really awesome! Alright. We’ll talk about that and a lot of other things. I got 88 degrees and I’m Uncle Tony with Sue and this is the Morning Show. What’s with your voice?

SUE:The voice is still a little rough. I don’t get that.

TONY:Well, the weather.

SUE:It’s something.

TONY:You’re having……um……uh……humidity high temperature attack.

SUE:I think so.

TONY:(Puts phone receiver back in cradle)

You are allerg……you are an allergic person.

9


SUE:I gotta……I guess I have to break down and admit this.

TONY:You are al……you’re allergic to something……I mean.

SUE:It’s gotta be something.

TONY:Yeah. Well, it could be something at home……could be Martha, your cat. I’ll bet you twenty bucks……most people are allergic to their animals, but, it’s like I told my……my……the hell is he called……not a dermatologist……what is the……the……uh……allergy doctor……uh……allergist.

SUE:Allergist.

TONY:Allergist……he says I’m allergic to my dogs……allergic to dander……allergic to dust. Highly allergic to dust. And God knows what foods. We didn’t do all the scratch tests.

SUE:That’s the one thing I’m afraid of.

TONY:They don’t hurt.

SUE:No. What if I’m allergic to dust?

TONY:So? There’s ways of getting around that.

SUE:How do I get rid of it?

TONY:Well, first of all.

SUE:Before I can go back in my own home.

TONY:For starters, get an air purifier. The one I showed you.

10


SUE:The floor model.

TONY:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And put it in the……in your bedroom.

SUE:Mmmhm.

TONY:And you……you get two of them. Ah……you sleep with one in……you have one……and you could put the other……take it wherever you go in the house and just plug it in.

SUE:Mmmhm.

TONY:It cleans the air, takes the dust out and makes the air clean. Alright? Cleans the stuff Martha brings in.

SUE:Yes.

TONY:Alright? And……uh……the dust comes in off the road into the house and all that other stuff. So……that’s a great thing. The other thing would be……uh……maybe dust more often. So, in other words, instead of once every six months……

SUE:Every three……

TONY:Every three months, you know. Those things work.

SUE:Yeah.

TONY:Yeah, she says. Ah, what else could you do? If you sleep with certain things, you have to get rid of them. Alright, for example……not people……ha ha. I’m talking about the

11


TONY (Cont):things that cover us………you. Pillows. Your feather pillows and feather quilts. They say get rid of it. It’s very, very……uh……you could be highly allergic to that. You want to get polyester pillows.

SUE:Yeah, I have feather pillows.

TONY:……Feather pillows. And you wanna get a……uh……uh……maybe a poly-filled quilt, instead of……um……that feather quilt you have. So all of these……and I’m……I’m……saying what he said.

SUE:Mmmhm.

TONY:……You know? And I did these things and they help.

SUE:Do they?

TONY:They help, but the thing that he……that he said when both my dogs were alive and when he said that I was allergic to dander that meant either dealing with my problem.

SUE:Mmmhm.

TONY:……Or

SUE:Getting rid of the dogs.

TONY:……Getting rid of the dogs and I tellya how could you get rid of a coupla family members that have been around with you for years? Hey! You think Frank and Angie are listening to this?

SUE:Oh, undoubtedly.

12


TONY:Lemme tell ya, you don’t throw members of your family out the door like yesterday’s newspaper or like some empty booze bottles. OK. Nuff said. Sermon’s over. So……so I dealt……uh……with the dander and the dogs passed on and it’s better without them, I’ll admit……uh……your carpet, that’s another thing. Clean it really good. Vacuum it up, get the hair and the dust and whatever Martha carries in.

SUE:The stuff off of it. I’ve had Martha……what? Fourteen years.

TONY:You can’t get rid of Martha.

SUE:I can’t get rid of her.

TONY:Of course not! Even if she jumps on the bed when we……when you……but……you……you know you love her like family.

SUE:(Glares at him, then grins)

It’s……she’s like a sister that meows instead of talks.TONY:

That’s in……that’s inhuman. I mean, we don’t do that.SUE:

Yeah!TONY:

We suffer rather than to make them suffer. SUE:

Yeah!TONY:

……That’s the human in us. That’s what we do……uh. And……uh……we’re not cruel. Human beings as a rule are not cruel. Except to other humans. We love our animals. Animal business is one of the world’s big industries.

SUE:Is it really?

13


TONY:Yes, it is. The food business for animals.

SUE:The toys. The little

TONY:Oh everything. Everything. Vets. The……the……you know……the vet business. Huge, huge business. I mean, we……we spend a fortune and now, it’s prove……they……they had this on TV the other day. We are……uh……with the new technology they have for……for surgery for animals, we’re spending a fortunes on……on repairing them. Heart……cardiac surgery for your dog. Fixing and repairing their hearts. Kidney transplants. God almighty……um……when is it gonna end? I think I draw the line when it comes to things like that. Um……I don’t think……if they said five thousand dollars to keep your dog alive, you know, I would say no.

SUE:Mmmmm.

TONY:……Let’s……it’s more humane to put the dog to sleep.

SUE:Well, there.

TONY:……And a lot cheaper for me.

SUE:Well, there becomes a time when you have to separate is it an animal or a human being. Yes, they all become members of your family. Yes, they all have personalities.

TONY:Mmmhm.

SUE:Is it more traumatic for them to go through this surgery?

TONY:And whose……wha……what is the guarantee.

SUE:And what is the guarantee?

14


TONY:……That they’re gonna live?

SUE:Yes.

TONY:……You know, a week, two weeks. There is no guarantee.

SUE:That’s just our humble opinion.

TONY:Yes. Yes. Yes. There isn’t a morning when……when my eyes don’t itch or my nose doesn’t run. The doctor told me it’s the worst……the worst allergy season he ever remembers.

SUE:Mmmhm.

TONY:……You know and today, the……how heavy it is out there today?

SUE:You can see it in the air. It is amazing.

TONY:Amazing is right. That’s all. Time to cheer up. Stylistics. Da Da Da Da. Alright. I got……uh……nineteen minutes past nine. Eighty-eight degrees. Stylistics. Sit back. Relax. We’ll have the weather. We’ll learn about Sue’s horse and……um……what Justin said. Wait’ll you hear that. Twenty minutes past. Let’s hear some music.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:

(Knock on door)Tony? Tony? This is Frank. Big trouble, Tony. The Slangels called the police.

(Knocking on door)Tony?

(More knocking) Tony?

(Song ends)

15

(Song “You Make Me Feel Brand New” by TheStylistics. TONY & SUE slow dance to the song, staring deeply into one another’s eyes, ignoring FRANK's knock)


RECORDED SWEEP:Uncle Tony! Thirteen forty on the dial. Oh yeah! WYYY!

(TONY bows deeply to SUE. He returns to his mike, sits, SUE then sits straddling him facing him. They dryhump in the chair. Phone light flashes. TONY hesitates, then picks up phone, continuing to dryhump Sue as he speaks on phone)

TONY:WYYY. Hi, you’re on the air with Uncle Tony. Naah, Frank, I’m just kidding. Whaddaya want now, Frank? Uh huh. Uh huh. Frank……the……the……you know……the Slangels. It’s……I mean, we……you spend so much time dicking around with those losers. No, they’re not……they’re not. They’re welfare trash. They……they’re nobodies, Frank. They’re just a coupla fat bums with a big dumb mutt. He……Benny’s not gonna do anything to us. Frank. Frank……Frank. Listen. They haven’t paid Benny rent in months. He’s gonna evict ‘em. I heard this. Reliable source. Frank. Willya wake up and smell the cof………Benny’s using them to get a whip hold on you. ‘Cause next time the lease comes up, he’ll have you by the nuts. He’s a fuckin’ Jew, Frank, working an angle. They all think that way. They do it to each other. You are such an chump, Frank. No, Frank! No! You are way out of line. No! We are not discussing her! End of discussion, Frank! End. Of. Discussion!

16

TONY’S RECORDED VOICE:Protection One keeps an eye your home so burglars can’t get in. It’s that simple. Your home or business is safe. And you get to decide the level of security you want. Crooks don’t stand a chance. Protection One installs home automation systems. Turn lights and appliances on or off automatically. Want a free estimate? Call 1-800-GUARD for a free consultation and peace of mind. Remember, Protection One is on call 24 hours. Protection One. For peace of mind around the clock. 1-800-GUARD. That’s 1-800-GUARD. And tell ‘em Uncle Tony sent you.ANDY ANDERSON’S VOICE:Well, we’re going to see hot, humid weather continuing and maybe showers or thunderstorms. Highs will reach the mid to upper 90’s. Tonight skies clear down into the low 70’s. Mostly sunny,hot and humid tomorrow. A few scattered clouds. Temperatures in the 90’s again. This is meteorologist Andy Anderson at the WYYY weather central.


(He slams phone down and pots up the mike. She continues to straddle him)

SUE:Really, really hot.

TONY:Hot and humid and.

SUE:Thunderstorm maybe.

TONY:Type of day that……uh……you know what I’m afraid of?

SUE:What?

TONY:I’ll betcha twenty bucks. We’re gonna get a hail storm.

SUE:This is the weather for it.

TONY:We’re gonna get a terrible hailstorm. It’s gonna be awful.

SUE:Oh no.

TONY:……I feel it in my bones. I hope to God it doesn’t happen, but I think it will. If it does, it’s gonna wipe out the crops in this area……uh……terrible, terrible. But wouldn’t it be amazing if they said they first heard it from Uncle Tony? From me? We’ll see. Call us at 848-WYYY.

(Tony pots down mike. “Heatwave” by Martha and the Vandellas plays. They stand. SUE vacuums rug. TONY takes readings from the equipment and logs numbers on clipboard. They change Big Sign to read “WYYY THURSDAY AUG 14, 1999.” Black out. Sound of turning an old fashioned radio dial hunting for a station. Lights up. TONY is standing, peeing in a bucket, holding his mike, speaking into it. SUE sits at the auxiliary mike. Big clock says 10:16 am)

17


TONY:……There isn’t a……a synagogue that doesn’t gamble. Fifty-fifty is gambling. Penny socials is I guess some sort of a gambling. You know, they have this. I remember when I first moved to Lost Nation 30 years ago, Holy Name used to have a chicken barbecue every year and it was a wonderful……I don’t know why they stopped it, but I love chicken, so I participated and I cooked and I me with my big mouth I was walking around and……and making……forcing people to spend money to buy fifty-fifties. There were fifty-fifties going on constantly. They had a roulette wheel. Pick a ticket you know for a buck and they’d spin the wheel and you’d win half of the money. All gambling!

SUE:Mmmhmm.

TONY:(Finishes peeing. Returns to his place, sits)

It’s everywhere, it’s illegal, but it’s done. The state doesn’t have police to police the churches and temples.

SUE:Every social organization.

TONY:Yes. Every……they don’t. They let it go. If it’s illegal, why don’t the cops in the towns……why don’t they go in and stop it? They don’t. It’s illegal. They’ll give you a ticket for speeding, they’ll give you a ticket for double parking, they’ll give you a ticket in the street right here in Lost Nation if you park more than two hours, but they won’t go into the church and give them a ticket and make them come into court for……for gambling. See? Lot of injustices and lots of unfairities. There’s no such word. I just made that up. An infairity.

SUE:Life is a cruel, cold place.

TONY:Well, my father used to say, life’s a bitch, then you die.

SUE:Ooh! Ooh, we’re off somewhere sour again!

(She stands, removes her top)

18


TONY:Sour is the right word. Especially Sue’s morning breath.

SUE:(Sticks her tongue out)

Ouch.TONY:

Just kid……your breath is………really breathtaking. Hey, Uncle Tony and Sue here coming atcha on WYYY AM. Day Three of the Big Piss-Off. We are in here locked in the studio. We jammed a sofa against the door so Frank can’t get in. We’re tired and we’re pissed off and we’re not coming out. Call us if you’re pissed off. The number is 848-WYYY.

SUE:848-WYYY.

TONY:848-WYYY. It’s nineteen minutes past ten uh clock. Ninety-one degrees and let’s play a song and sell something.

(“Short-Shorts” by Royalteens* plays on turntable. TONY pots down volume & rushes to her, removing trousers. SUE bumps and grinds to beat, removes shorts. They make love on sofa)

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:(Rapping on door. Voice through door)

Tony? You in there? Tony? Sue? It’s me, Frank. Tony? Tony, please answer me. Tony, Sue, we need to talk.

(They ignore him. Voice now over office intercom)

Tony? Please, Tony. Talk to me. I have Benny here. Benny the landlord? He’s not happy, Tony. He wants to talk to you. Tony. Listen, Tony. You can’t use a bucket to pee in. It’s a rule. It’s unsanitary. A violation

19

ANDY ANDERSON’S VOICE:Expect heavy downpours later today with strong gusty winds and frequent cloud to ground lightning.Temperatures will be inthe mid to upper nineties. Showers and thunderstorms this evening, then partial clearing. An overnight low around seventy with patchy morning clouds. Tomorrow more humidity with partly sunny skies and a high in the mid nineties. This is Andy Anderson at WYYY weather central.


MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE (Cont):of the lease. Benny says pee carries tapeworm and salmonella eggs. You have to use the bathrooms. Unless they’re not working. Tony, I hope you and Sue are using different buckets. The other tenants are complaining. The Slangels called Chief Schott and the state troopers. They’re really upset. Tony, please tell Benny you’ll stop and open the door. Don’t worry, Mr. Cohen. I’ll personally see to it that he.

BENNY THE LANDLORD’S VOICE:(On office intercom)

Gimme that microphone, you little pissant! You don’t know diddly about talking to assholes. You in there, Guardino? You listen to me, you guinea wop sonuvabitch. The Slangels tellin’ me they gonna stop payin’ me lessen’ you stop fuckin’ with ‘em. Tell you this, you old goat! Every dollar they don’t pay me, I’m takin’ outta your goddam sorry-ass cradle-robbing hide. If I come back here again, I’m comin’ in there and clean your worthless clock right in front of that bitch girl you’re porking and listen to me now cause I’m only.


(They finish their lovemaking and rush back to their places. TONY abruptly cuts off the office intercom in mid-sentence. They dress hurriedly as they speak into their mikes)

20

UNCLE TONY’S VOICE:(Speaking over musical bed)

Hey! Who says size isn’t important? Lemme tellya, when it comes to pizza-- quality, taste, price and size are very important. And the largest---I say the largest---take-out pie in the area comes from Pizza Star in Oxford Junction. Come visit the warm and friendly dining atmosphere at Pizza Star. Enjoy the expanded menu of specialty pizzas, pasta, hot and cold gyros, chicken, veal and seafood. And Pizza Star has free delivery. Can you ask for anything more? And they deliver it to businesses weekdays from 11am to 2pm. Call Pizza Star 781-8922. That’s 781-8922. At the corner of Westheimer and Bellaire in Oxford Junction. Call ‘em. Pizza Star. 781-8922. That’s 781-8922. Pizza Star! Tell ‘em Uncle Tony sent you.


TONY:OK, we are back. We are back. What’re you reading?

SUE:(Scanning newspaper as she dresses)

I’m……sometimes to me, life is stranger than fiction. TONY:

Life is stranger than fiction. It really is. SUE:

I’m reading about the guy in Indiana who plotted. Uh……actually did……fathered a child with his wife and then killed the infant to exact revenge on his wife for not properly comforting him when his father died.

TONY:OK. Let me understand. He killed his newborn child.

SUE:Seven months old.

TONY:OK. So……that’s still newborn. He killed a seven month old child ‘cause he was pissed because she didn’t comfort him.

SUE:Yes. He wanted to make her feel like.

TONY:Like he.

SUE:He did.

TONY:Like he did so he killed his son.

SUE:Yeah.

TONY:Oh, good Lord! So what……so tell me, what else happened?

SUE:Well, he’s in jail obviously. And that’s the only excuse he could give……was that some……he just wanted his wife.

21


TONY:To know how he felt.

SUE:To know how he felt.

TONY:So, I won……wondering if this is……I guess it’s gotta be first degree murder……then it’s probably.

SUE:Well, the coroner ruled it died of sudden infant death.

TONY & SUE:Syndrome.

SUE:See, they can’t necessarily prove homicide.

TONY:SIDS. OK, that’s called……that’s known as SIDS.

SUE:SIDS.

TONY:SIDS. So that’s how the coroner ruled.

SUE:Yes.

TONY:But yet, if the coroner ru.

SUE:But he says he suffocated the child……hmmm!

TONY:That doesn’t make any sense, and the coroner……maybe they didn’t do a real good autopsy.

SUE:(Flipping pages in newspaper)

That could be too.

22


TONY:Then……uh……you would know if the airflow……say……has something to do with the way the blood stops when you suffocate. You can’t kill anybody today……uh……this science is where DNA……they take DNA from people and determine how or what.

SUE:Not to change the sub……well, actually, yes, changing it says here there’s a flag in the Edison, New Jersey, historical society called the Lincoln flag and supposedly the story is that this is one of the……um……what’s the word.

TONY:Banners? Bandoleers?

SUE:Whatever they called the……the flags that festooned Ford’s Theater when Lincoln was ……assassinated.

TONY:In other words, one of the flags that bellowed the……the.

SUE:Billowed and they were hanging from the ceiling evidently.

TONY:Yes……OK……I can see that the flags.

SUE:And they……they were all over the place.

TONY:Right. Right.

SUE:This is a regular flag and supposedly it was placed underneath his head when he was assassinated, and.

TONY:OK.

SUE:So it has bloodstains and they’re trying to take it and do a DNA test. Now, this is……how many……a hundred years later?

TONY:Yeah.

23


SUE:A little bit more?

TONY:Yeah. And what……uh.

SUE:And they still.

TONY:To determine what?

SUE:To determine whether it was truly there.

TONY:Oh, I see.

SUE:To verify.

TONY:To prove, to verify that the flag.

SUE:To prove that this was.

TONY:Right. Right. OK. I gotcha. I understand now. Well, look at that other thing……the……um……the shroud of Jesus?

SUE:Shroud of Turin.

TONY:The Shroud of Turin. OK. I think they proved it wasn’t.

SUE:Right, it was.

TONY:……A mask of Jesus and they did scientific tests and proved it wasn’t, but you know that……I like to believe in things like that. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the kid in me. But I’d like to believe that God had a hand in.

24


SUE:The holy supernatural.

TONY:Yeah, yeah. I mean……that’s wonderful. Why……why take something so wonderful and turn it into a scientific expedition? Let it be. Leave it alone.

SUE:Yeah.

TONY:Why take……why destroy the faith that the people have.

SUE:……In that article.

TONY:(Phone light flashing)

You know, that’s……I don’t think that’s the right thing to do. In the name of science? Screw science. Let it be. Let it be. OK, look, we got a call. Call us. 848-WYYY. 848-WYYY. OK. Well, let's see who this is. Maybe it’s Benny the Landlord. Or the slimy Slangels. Or a listener who’s pissed. Good morning! This is Uncle Tony And Sue.

WOMAN’S VOICE:Hi……uh……Tony Guardino?

TONY:Hi! You’re on the air with Uncle Tony and Sue. Are you pissed off?

WOMAN’S VOICE:Uhh……no……I’m Meg Pierce, Y2K Coordinator for Jones County?

TONY:Oh, hi. How are you?

WOMAN’S VOICE:Uhhh……fine. I’m calling about the Y2K forum coming up tonight.

TONY:(Signaling SUE he has no idea about this)

Sure. Go ahead. Go ahead.

25


WOMAN’S VOICE:OK. This will be at the Anamosa Community Room. And it’s about emergency services for the year 2000.

TONY:Where is this located?

WOMAN’S VOICE:Um……Anamosa. Right off 64 and 151.

TONY:Where you calling from?

WOMAN’S VOICE:An……uh……Anamosa.

TONY:Anamosa, OK. Y2K. Year 2000. So Y2K. What do you think? The world’s gonna come to an end?

WOMAN’S VOICE:I hope not.

TONY:Same here except for maybe the slimy Slangels and Benny the Landlord.

WOMAN’S VOICE:I think there’s going to be some……uh……changes. I……I don’t……I don’t think that it……life will be exactly as.

TONY:So we’re not gonna run out of water, we’re gonna still have electricity, we don’t have to……you know what I’m hearing?

WOMAN’S VOICE:Well, I’m.

TONY:I’m hearing it might not be a bad idea just to go out and buy coupla cases of water, some can.

WOMAN’S VOICE:Yeah

26


TONY:Canned food……just in case something stupid happens.

SUE:Kerosene heater.

WOMAN’S VOICE:You know, that’s a good idea to do anyway. I’m……I’m gradually……uh……just, without……um……a real impact on my budget, each time I shop instead of getting you know a roll of toilet paper……uh……or rather a case to last a month or two. Next time, I double up on canned goods.

TONY:(Begins to get visibly bored)

Mmmhm. Yeah. Yeah.SUE:

Some people are actually going to the Army/Navy stores.(TONY glares at SUE)

WOMAN’S VOICE:Uh huh.

SUE:……And purchasing MREs.

WOMAN’S VOICE:Uh……uh……uh……purchasing what?

(Gives SUE the slash across the throat gesture. She ignores him)

SUE:MREs. Meals ready to eat.

WOMAN’S VOICE:Oh yeah, those. Like K rations the soldiers had in the cans.

SUE:They’re not in cans anymore. Now they have like a little hot pack.

27


WOMAN’S VOICE:Is that right?

SUE:Yeah. I know people that are doing that.

WOMAN’S VOICE:Uh……you know, I don’t think there’s any harm, because, then, you know, they can take them camping if they don’t need them……um. I think there are a lot of things that people can do. Our motto is prudent and prepared. But we don’t want anybody to become alarmed or……uh.

SUE:Extremist.

WOMAN’S VOICE:Yeah. And just……just try to……uh……figure……you know……what would you need to get through a crisis if one existed and the crisis might not be Y2K driven. It could be……you know……weather or……or some other……um……for example what the……the Nuclear Power Facility people have done to prepare for further potentially very large dangers.

SUE:Yeah. There could be a big boom over there and then we don’t have to worry about the toilet paper.

WOMAN’S VOICE:(Laughs)

Well, the Nuclear Regulatory Agency.(TONY injects himself into SUE’s line of sight. Indicates with gestures how boring this interview is, makes like he’s jacking off. SUE tries to ignore him. He continues to take silent shots at her for the duration of the interview)

SUE:Actually, we will need the toilet paper if it goes boom.

WOMAN’S VOICE:(Laughs)

……The……the……the Nuc……Nuclear Regulatory Agency has……is……um……watching them carefully and they have guidelines as to how they need to prepare, but the public is not yet aware of that and so we’re holding a series of meetings. We have

28


WOMAN’S VOICE (Cont):one a month and tonight it’s on the emergency services. What are……uh……fire companies and ambulance services and……um……and also on communications. What is AT and T……what are they doing to prepare and our goal is to get information out ‘cause we think with information, people will not be alarmists. Listen, I have to……um……sign off because I have a meeting I have to attend that’s already started.

SUE:Where is this located again, Meg?

WOMAN’S VOICE:Anamosa Community Room. Eight pm tonight. Right off 64 and 151. Take the Weintraub exit.

SUE:OK and, listen, it was very nice talking to you.

WOMAN’S VOICE:Well, thank you. Likewise.

SUE:And you have a wonderful day.

WOMAN’S VOICE:You too.

SUE & WOMAN’S VOICE:Bye bye.

(Sound of phone hanging up. She glares at TONY. Ten seconds of dead air. Finally………)

TONY:Y2K. Something to think about. Something to ponder.

SUE:Better safe than sorry.

TONY:Y2K. Y2K. I don’t think……nothing’s gonna happen.

SUE:You don’t……you don’t think people should take precautions?

29


TONY:I don’t think there’ll be troops.

SUE:……Meg’s point was not about martial law. It was about being prud.

TONY:Prudent. Sure. Sure. Sure. But there……there’s the other thing. The…… all the rednecks out there.

SUE:All the red……oh, that’s right. I live in Tipton. Here we go. He’s got his Tipton hammer out again, folks.

TONY:You would know……You know all about that. I don’t have to tell you. You live it every day. Nine uh clock……uh……nine uh clock bell rings in Tipton and the hillbillies marching down Donohue Street in their white sheets.

SUE:Do not. Tipton’s a great place to live. It still is.

TONY:Tipton is like……what could you relate Tipton to……where people make disparaging remarks……um……uh……what the hell was his name? Uh……he had a radio show. The guy in Oxford Junction. Always made fun of Goose Lake. And he hurt Goose Lake……uh……claims that he didn’t do it on purpose, but I believe he did it deliberately. I mean, he went after Goose Lake with a vengeance. Every day, he tore into Goose Lake……um……and what the real estate people said was because of what he did, property values……I mean, could you imagine the power of a radio host to cause the loss.

SUE:……Of property values?

TONY:……Homes that people live in.

SUE:And the town and the tax assessments in Goose Lake. Less money for schools and city services.

30


TONY:Quality of life issues. Oh!

SUE:Oh My God!

TONY:Damn! That’s like incredible. That’s like amazing. You know, unbelievable. Say whatcha want, ya gotta give him credit. The guy did a hell of a job. Ninety-three degrees and let’s play some music. We are pissed. Call 848-WYYY.

(TONY stomps his foot hard on the floor. Smiles triumphantly. He pots down the mike and pots up “Heatwave” by Martha and the Vandellas)

What was that all about?SUE:

She had a good point.TONY:

Y2K is bullshit. No one cares. It’s a cartoon issue.SUE:

I know lots of people with questions about Y2K.TONY:

Yeah, your illiterate redneck fr.SUE:

Listen. You better stop with the redneck.TONY:

You listen! Don’t you ever upstage me again. Ever! This here is not a fifty fifty deal. This is my show. One hundred per cent mine. I’m the host. You’re just the sidekick. Capish?

(Turns her back to him and sullenly vacuums floor. TONY moodily takes readings and records results on a clipboard. Keeping their distance from one another, they change clothes and change the Big Sign to read “FRIDAY AUG 15, 1999.” Blackout. Sound of turning the radio dial hunting for a station. Lights. TONY at mike and running the board looking at a photograph. SUE squats over bucket trying to pee and holding her mike at same time. Big clock reads 10:30 am)

31


TONY:……Come to think of it, we went to the fair in Davenport when I was thirteen. I remember that her mom took us. And there was this stallion there and I swore to God, this was the only stallion I've ever known that had five legs. I don’t know how else to describe it.

SUE:Well, this wasn’t like that.

TONY:No. Well, I know that. I know that. But this really did have five legs. I’m convinced. I don’t believe it was anything else. That was a leg, dammit to hell! That was another leg. And……and while we stood there watching, it……the stallion took this huge……humongous pee and……and it was like a……like a fire hose……just……just streaming out and going on forever. And her mom kept saying, come on, kids, let’s go over and see the rabbits and all the time she just stood there starin’ at that leg. Twenty-nine minutes before eleven uh clock here on AM 1340 WYYY. Uncle Tony and Sue comin’ atcha in the morning. Day Four of the Big Piss-Off and Sue as we speak is really getting into the spirit of the thing. Aren’tcha, Sue?

(SUE glares at him. TONY blows her a kiss)We’ve got some commercials to play and……uh……and……uh……we will……I guess we’ll be back.


(SUE finishes peeing in the bucket and returns to her mike)

TONY:Still pissed?

SUE:What do you think?

(Phone light flashes. TONY unhooks phone)

TONY:You can always leave. You know where the door is.

32

SUE’S VOICE:Don’t miss another year of fun in your back yard! SunDelight Pools, your authorized Anaconda dealer and repair station, is ready to custom install an inground pool to add value to your home. And smiles to everyone in your family. There’re many sizes to choose from various packages available.


MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:(Over office intercom)

Uh, Tony. You……you in there?TONY:

(Disguising his voice badly)

Tony ain’t here! MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:

Ha. Ha. Very funny, Tony. Very very funny.

TONY:(Winking at SUE, trying to include her in his joke. She ignores him)

Tony went to take a whiz. This is Carmen, the masseuse.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Tony, we have to talk.

TONY:(Reaches to grab SUE. She moves out of his reach)

Whattaya mean we, Frank? Ya gotta turd in your pocket or somethi. OK………so talk, Frank.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Angie’s very upset, Tony. She’s been listening.

TONY:(Gives SUE a “Hey, c’mon” stare)

Ok ok, Frank. I apologize. Tell her I’m sorry I called her Old Ironbutt.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Tony, are you going to stop this and come on out?

33

SUE’S VOICE (Cont):And pool openings and closings. Replacement liners. Covers. Solar blankets. Automatic pool cleaners & chemicals. It’s SunDelight Pools in Hale. Call 849-SWIM. That’s 849-SWIM for SunDelight Pools.

ANDY ANDERSON’S VOICE:By now, most everyone knows it’s become both convenient and inexpensive to own a pager. For most people, a pager has become as essential as the telephone to keep in touch with home or office. MegaPage is the Quad City area’s wireless communications expert. And an authorized retailer for Hawkeye Bell Mobile. MegaPage has the largest selection of pagers and cellphones with service and equipment packages for any budget. MegaPage offers small business owners an inexpensive way to keep in touch with clients and staff. Child care providers can reach parents when questions and emergencies arise. Dual income families can alert each other with schedule changes. Hook up with the wireless communications experts at MegaPage, an authorized retailer for Hawkeye Bell Mobile. You’ll find a pager and a cellphone can meet all your communications needs. If you’ve been missing pages, get your pager tuned up at the MegaPage service lab.


TONY:I dunno, Frank. Make me an offer.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:We already made you an offer.

TONY:Four thousand bucks? That ain’t no offer. That’s chickenfeed. That……that’s dog poop. That’s an insult. And……and what about a kiss. I should get a kiss.

(Winks at SUE)I always get a kiss when I get screwed.

(SUE laughs in spite of herself)

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Tony, four thousand is fair. More than fair. You know WYYY. You know it’s fair.

TONY:Well……maybe, but I dunno, Frank, I dunno. I just. How……all the years……all the bl……blood, sweat and tears……how do you put a price on……how do you quantify that?

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Tony, please. Angie can’t sell if you don’t sign. Please help her. You owe her that, Tony. She’s worked very hard.

TONY:I dunno. Geez. Sell the station. Like killing a baby. I gotta think.

34

ANDY ANDERSONS VOICE(Cont):Call right now at 1-800-MEGAPAGE. That’s 1-800-MEGAPAGE for MegaPage, an authorized retailer for Hawkeye Bell Mobile.

UNCLE TONY’S VOICE:(Chorus sings)

Datsun of Davenport. You can’t buy for less!

(UNCLE TONY)That’s right. At Datsun of Davenport, you can’t buy for less. Their motto is, no hassles, no gimmicks, just everyday low prices. At Datsun of Davenport, they can save you thousands in their line of world class vehicles. So whether you’re buying or leasing, new or used, you’ll be driving the vehicle you want, at the best price, period. Even if you’ve had credit problems. You see, when it comes to customer satisfaction, Datsun of Davenport stands alone. So check your local newspaper for incredible advertised specials. Or hurry into Datsun of Davenport. On Route 61.

(Chorus again)Datsun of Davenport. You can’t buy for less!

UNCLE TONY’S VOICE:You know, your car is a big investment. I don’t have to tell you this. You know it. The harshness of winter and the summer’s glaring


MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Tony, please, there’s an

offer.TONY:

Yeah? An offer? Who?MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:

You know I can’t tell you that.

TONY:Who, dammit?

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Tony. please. Don’t make me.

TONY:Dammit, Frank!

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Rufus Meadows.

TONY:She’s selling to Rufus?

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:It’s a good offer. Tony.

TONY:Rufus Meadows? My wife and? Is……is she fucking him?

(SUE turns and stares at him in shock)

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Tony. Please.

TONY:Frank, you guys are starting to come at me from all directions. I gotta………uh………right now, I just don’t know.

35

UNCLE TONY’S VOICE (Cont):sun really does a number on your car’s appearance. Rust, cracks, peeling paint and a dull finish are common if your car’s a couple of years old. You know, you try to take care of it, but there’s one place that will really make it look great and that’s Rufus Meadows Autobody, a professional body shop with all the latest equipment. They’ll bring that car of yours back to showroom new. Rufus Meadows Autobody at 209 West 4th Street right here in Lost Nation. They’re got that full service repair shop you’re looking for, free insurance estimates, a free loaner car for five days if your car or truck needs major body work. They provide frame straightening, welding, a high tech paint room, 24 hour towing and flatbed service. That’s why Rufus Meadows Autobody should be your choice. Rufus Meadows Autobody. 209 West 4th Street in Lost Nation. 209-6565. That’s 209-6565 and tell my friend Rufus that Uncle Tony sent you.



MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:So you’ll think about it, Tony?

TONY:Sure, I’ll think about it.

(As they continue backing and forthing, TONY plays records or CD’s, which are heard in background)

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Tony?

TONY:Yeah, Frank.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:You still there?

TONY:Still here, Frank. Still here. You know? I gotcher number. I ain’t a dummy.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:What do you mean, Tony?

TONY:You are good. Boy, you really are good.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:You lost me, Tony.

TONY:It’s simple. You’re out to fuck me. Pure and simple.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:That is so unfair of you, Tony. And so untrue. I like you. I really do.

TONY:Now I need some hip boots. The shit’s gettin deep in here.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Tony, listen to me. I’ve always liked you. Despite the misunderstandings and miscommunications. I think you’re a talent. Even this……uh……Big……uh……Piss-Off. The show’s good. You’re doing very well.

36


TONY:Well, hell yeah, Course it’s good. I’m a pro. Frank, lemme ask you. You think when Rufus takes over, he’ll.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Uhh……I don’t know, Tony. Your style. It’s a bit too……um.

TONY:Yeah. OK. Piss. I use the p-word. Rufus doesn’t cuss. Hang on a minute. I ain’t done fucking with you, Frank.

(Pots up the mike. SUE, smoldering, waits)It’s eighteen minutes before eleven uh clock, it’s eighty-six degrees. Let’s go over to our WYYY weather center and see who’s gonna talk to us and if he’s nasal this morning.

(Pots down the mike)You know, Frank, I gotta lot of loyal listeners.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:I know, Tony.

TONY:They follow me. Me! Not the station.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:I know they do, Tony.

TONY:OK. Just so we got that straight. You know if I go to WANY, they’ll follow me.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Yes.

TONY:So, Frank.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Yes, Tony.

TONY:So what’s gonna happen to you, you know, when?

37

ANDY ANDERSON’S VOICE:We do have some patchy fog out there. Some clouds this morning. They’ll give way to partly sunny skies later on staying very humid, high at 89. Then tonight, skies fair to cloudy, low downinto the low sixties. For Saturday, sunny with a few afternoon clouds, humidity down to 30%, the high close to 85. Partly cloudy Saturday night heading down to near 60 and Sunday partly sunny, highs back up close to 90. This weather report was brought to you by Rufus’ Coffee Shop. You know, for the best down home pies and cobblers in all of Clinton County, there’s no place like Rufus’ Coffee Shop right smack dab in the middle of Lost Nation.


MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Mister Meadows has asked me to stay on as Producer.

TONY:Oh. So now it’s Mister Meadows. And what about Angie?

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:She’ll be his Business Manager.

TONY:His Business Manager. So he is fucking her. OK, Frank. I see how the wind’s blowing. Gotta get back on the board. Talk to you later.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Tony?

TONY:Yeah, Frank.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Do me one little favor?

TONY:Sure. You know me. Anything for a real pal like you.

MANAGER FRANK’S VOICE:Move the couch away from the door.

TONY:Soon’s I get a chance, Frank.

(Pots up the mike. He signals Sue to pick up the newspaper and scan for topics. She silently refuses)

TONY:(Picks up newspaper)

OK, thank you, Andy. It’s eighty-six degrees here in Clinton County at seventeen before eleven.

38

ANDY ANDERSON’S VOICE(Cont):

Rufus’ motto is pies, pies and more pies. Apple pies, peach pies, boysenberry pies, strawberry pies with whipped cream, lemon meringue pies served just the way you want it with a tall cool glass of sweet tea. Or how about topping off that delicious dinner of pork chops and home fries with a generous helping of apricot cobbler topped off with a scoop of Rufus’ own home made vanilla ice cream? Mmmmm mmmmm. Even though Rufus doesn’t allow swearing, you will swear this is the best pie you ever tasted. Rufus Coffee Shop. 208 West 4th St. Lost Nation right across the street from Rufus Meadows Autobody. That’s Rufus’ Coffee Shop. This is meteorologist Andy Anderson at the WYYY weather central.


TONY (Cont):(He turns pages of newspaper noisily)

There was a notice in the paper……um……skimming through it……someone was nice enough to toss us a paper through the window……thank you very much whoever you are……uh……last week at Rufus’ Coffee Shop……I was sitting next to……uh……Chief Schott and we were talking and the Chief says people don’t have to buy the paper. All they gotta do is listen to the Uncle Tony show. Well, I don’t think the Journal Record would be too happy about that, but never……nevertheless let’s see what it says in here. Something about Oxford Junction? About……um……uh……the water. How you can’t use the water. Don’t use the water. Where the hell is it in here? Where’s the rest of the article, dammit? Lowdon. Hale. C’mon. I’m totally confused now with this……Tip……Tipton……Stone City……Oh, even Tipton is in here this……Tipton is in the paper a lot lately! What is it? You’re here, so Tip……I betcha if you left, I’d never find another damn thing in the paper about Tipton. I bet.

SUE:It’s a psychic thing.

TONY:It’s a psychic thing? I dunno what it is. I dunno. Umm.

(Finds the article)Mayor Ewell Moore over in Oxford Junction yesterday asked town residents to voluntarily conserve water because the town’s reservoir is below normal……and no relief is in sight. Residents are asked not to water their lawns……not to wash their cars……not to fill their swimming pools……just die. Go out in the heat and die. That’s what they want you to do……uh……and to run dishwashers and washing machines, for full loads only and they……they’re gonna be sending around washing machine inspectors and……um……dishwasher inspectors. They’re gonna hire two part time people to come around, knock on your door and see how many dishes you have in your dishwasher and how many clothes you’re washing, so……but seriously, if there is a water shortage and you know damn well we haven’t had water in a long time, so……um……just do what they ask you, ‘cause I think the worst thing……it’s one thing to have your electric off. You know the electric is gonna come back on eventually. It will come back on. But it’s a whole ‘nother story when the……to when you turn your water on and there’s nothing comin’ out. I gotta tell you, that is bad, bad news. That is a horrible feeling. It’s scary……um……especially if you have a

39


TONY (Cont):house that you have your own well and the well runs dry. Oh, my good lord, you know……um……we have town water and town water is……is……seems to be always there except if there’s a……uh……water main break. And then the crews are out there and they’re working their butts off and as fast as they can they get that repaired and an.

SUE:And back on.

TONY:……And back on again for you, you know. We have a pretty good track record……um……I think and I’ve said this before, we should secede from the County. We should really break away. I don’t see the tax benefits. I don’t see any thing.

SUE:Revolt. Lead the revolt!

TONY:I’m leading the revolt. OK, so let’s start it right now.

SUE:So what’s the town flag gonna look like?

TONY:Oh yeah! The flag. We have to have an independent flag. Well, we can have a picture of Kenny Nims on the flag.

SUE:Talk about a redneck.

TONY:Kenny’s not a redneck. Just talks like one. OK. We have Kenny Nims on the flag……um……um……he was the leader of the hemp smokers thing. Awww. I don’t know if I want that.

SUE:Losing your nerve? Waffling? Now you don’t want Kenny?

TONY:No. No. Screw Kenny.

SUE:What about……what about your own currency?

40


TONY:I’m not saying secede from the U S of A, you dingbat!

SUE:Ohhh!

TONY:I’m saying to break away from Clinton County.

SUE:I know. I’m pullin’ your leg……

TONY:My chain, not my leg. We don’t need to be part of the Clintonian……uh……extravaganza they have with all the cockamamies that are going on. We don’t need that. We are independent and we are self-suff……we don’t have a water problem. We have our own reservoir. Never ever runs out. We have wa……we could feed the world. With our reservoir. We’ve got endless, endless artesian wells pumping water. Right. We have all of these things. We don’t need Clin.

SUE:You have your own sewer system.

TONY:We have our own sewer system.

SUE:You have your own police infrastructure.

TONY:And we have our own……

SUE:Road crew.

TONY:We have our own……school system.

SUE:Mmmhm.

TONY:Our own……water and treatment plant……um……our own government……um……what else do we have that we don’t need anybody our own……you said police.

41


SUE:Mmmhm.

TONY:Plus we have state troopers which is right……right around the corner from here so we got state troopers here too……um……and every other police that wants to come. We don’t need Clinton! I am saying that right now. I’m demanding. I, Uncle Tony……and I don’t know if you wanna join in on this because you might have a cross burning on your lawn in Tipton by six uh clock tonight……why……I want us to secede from Clinton. I want us to be independent. I want us to break away. And this is taxation without representation! You hear that?

SUE:I hear it.

TONY:Taxation. We are paying taxes and what representation are we getting from that picayune county government? The whole Clintonian bushwa with Vernell Can’t Do it Hewitt running the show. What do we get? Zilch! Nothing! Nada!

SUE:Nada?

TONY:Nada! Yeah. It’s Spanish for.

SUE:I know what nada means. This show is so educational.

TONY:So……I say we have to……have to get a petition going. And I need somebody out there to call me and tell me what do we get from Clinton County besides grief, aggravation, Can’t Do it Hewitt, bad water and……um……fat Nazis.

SUE:Yeah! Fat Nazis.

TONY:Right on! Fat Nazis. We have an open phone line right now, so……some……somebody call me and let’s talk about this……about……about how the Clinton County political machine is ripping Lost Nation off. Call us at 848-WYYY.

42


SUE:Lost Nation has everything unto itself.

TONY:Yeah. The number again is 848-WYYY. We have an open line.

SUE:Lost Nation.

TONY:Yeah. That’s right. We have everything and everything works and we get along and we don’t have a buncha screwball buttinskies fighting over whether to do this or that. And we have a……we have a little supermarket right in our own little town within walking distance……in short we have everything. C’mon people, call me. That number again is 848-WYYY. 848-WYYY. Alex! Renata! If you’re out there, call! We have everything we need right here.

SUE:And no one’s leaving town.

TONY:Right! Everybody wants to stay. We have new developments going up. Just outside town. Gorgeous homes. Reasonable homes. Lovely homes. Enchanting homes. Home homes.We have everything. So call and talk to me. 848-WYYY.

SUE:I’m jealous. I want to move to Lost Nation.

TONY:Secede! Secede and you will succeed! That’s it. Call me! 848-WYYY. Let’s play some music while we get ready to take your calls.

(Mimics Kingfish accent from Amos & Andy. Intro to the song “Jive Talkin” by the BeeGees in background gradually potting up)

An’ that ain’t no jive talkin’. Tha’s the troof. Tha’s right. No jive talkin’ on WYYY. I don’t jive talk. BeeGees might. But not Uncle Tony. Or Sue. We don’t jive talk here. We don’t do that, no. No, we don’t. I doodah feel better today than I doodah did yesterday. BeeGees at eight minutes before eleven!

(Pots down mike. “Jive Talkin’” plays in background as TONY & SUE speak off the air)

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TONY:Nobody’s calling.

SUE:It’s OK. They’ll call.

TONY:No, not OK. Frank heard no calls. He always listens.

SUE:Maybe this time he isn’t.

TONY:Fat chance. After I threw in his face how I got all these loyal listeners. Betcha he’s laughing his ass off. Frank’s one of those scheming little assbites put on earth just to……to fuck with……with good people like……well, like me.

SUE:He seems nice.

TONY:He’s not. He’s a weasel. You heard me. How I asked him point blank if he was out to fuck me.

SUE:And he said no!

TONY:Of course he said no. You think he’s gonna say yes? He’d cut off his own balls before he’d say yes.

SUE:Have you ever tried being nice to him?

TONY:What?

SUE:Nice to him.

TONY:Nice. Nice to Frank?

SUE:Yeah. Buy him lunch. I read somewhere the best way to break the ice is to break bread.

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TONY:Who’s side you on, anyway?

SUE:I’m on your side.

TONY:Check the phone.

SUE:What?

TONY:I said, check the phone!

SUE:Check it for what?

TONY:Check to see if it’s on!

SUE:Why wouldn’t it be on?

TONY:Just do it!

SUE:I wanna know why first!

TONY:Maybe Frank turned the phone off, OK? So I can’t get any call ins.

SUE:Frank turned the phone off. Frank turned the phone off. That makes a heck of a lot of sense, Tony. Here. Listen for yourself. The phone is fine, humming away, waiting for one of your numerous loyal listeners to ring up.

TONY:You fucking Frank?

SUE:What?

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TONY:You heard me.

SUE:I’m sorry, Tony. Frank’s not my type. He’s single. I always get the old married guys.

(Long awkward pause. Then……)

SUE:Would you like me to check the phone again?

TONY:Yeah. You do that, baby. You go check the phone.

(Song ends. TONY & SUE go back to their mikes. Phone light flashes)

TONY:OK. We are back. It’s……uh……five minutes to eleven uh clock and I think……I think we have a call. I do. I do. Maybe it’s Renata or Aleck. Good morning! You’re on the air with Uncle Tony! Hello? Hello? I guess not.

(Sound of phone hanging up) OK. It’s not Renata or Aleck. Renata or Aleck would’ve said good morning guys. They would have. I’m sorry.

SUE:That’s OK.

TONY:It’s not a good morning. I’m off and I shouldn’t be and I feel bad. My last day, I should be bright, upbeat, pushing the envelope, saying some stuff they’ll remember, doing something outrageous. But……it……it’s just not there.

SUE:It’s not just you. We’re both off.

TONY:Yeah, you’re right maybe. When we’re both up, we feed off each other. I’m……I’m tired and……uh……I think it has to do with the weather……partly. And there’s another portion that doesn’t have to do with the weather. I don’t mind telling you, I’m in a deep funk. I have this……this big knot in my stomach and it’s about the station. They’re doing everything wrong. It’s all a question of vision……of

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TONY (Cont):direction……and……and creativity. And leadership………uh……you know how I hate to be the party pooper, but you know, six months from now, someone’s gonna say, you know, letting Uncle Tony leave was a huge mistake. We shouldda locked him in when we had the chance. Mark my words, heads are gonna roll. OK. Enough. Four minutes before the hour, eighty six degrees, climbing to eighty nine. Top of the hour, world and national news. Ready to get out of here?

SUE:Ready, Uncle Tony.

(He blows note on a harmonica. TONY & SUE go through exaggerated ritual of tuning their vocal chords)

TONY AND SUE:(They sing with more feeling than skill)

HEY, PAL OF MINE, IT’S PARTING TIMETIME TO SAY SO LONGWE’LL SEE YOU THEN, SOMETIME AGAINWITH LOTS OF FUN AND SONGSO YOU ALL COME BACK, WHENEVERAND BRING A FRIEND OR TWO‘CAUSE YOU’LL ALL BE MIGHTY WELCOMEPARTICULARLY YOU.

(SUE rises, stands next to TONY, smiling. He stares ahead, not acknowledging her, playing a CD, fiddling with the board. Finally, she hugs him, kisses his cheek and walks to door, pushes sofa away from door with difficulty and exits. TONY stares straight ahead until she’s gone. Finally, he stands, stomps hard on floor and exits with a jaunty grin. Blackout)

End

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the lost nation morning show, an edgy play about an aging talk show host who rolls the dice one last...

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