the manager's pocket guide to dealing with conflict (manager's pocket guide series)

THE MANAGER’S POCKET GUIDE TO

Dealing with Conflict

by Lois B. H a rt , E d . D.

HRD PRESSA m h e rs t , M a s s a ch u s e t t s

C o py right © 1999 by Lois Hart

All rights re s e rve d. A ny rep roduction of this mat e rial in anymedia without written permission from the publisher is av i o l ation of existing copy right law s .

P u blished by :

HRD Pre s s22 A m h e rst RoadA m h e rs t , MA 010021-800-822-2801 ( U. S. and Canada)4 1 3 - 2 5 3 - 3 4 8 8413-253-3490 (fa x )w w w. h rd p re s s . c o m

ISBN 0-87425-480-9

C over design by Eileen Klock a rsP roduction services by CompuDesignE d i t o rial services by Robie Gra n t

P rinted in Canada

P re fa c e . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . v

1 . Because Yo u ' re Human, You'll Have Confl i c t s . . . . . . 1

2 . Naming Your Confl i c t s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 3

3 . H ow Do You React to Confl i c t s ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 3

4 . Wh at Causes Confl i c t s ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 3

5 . You Can Prevent Some Confl i c t s ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 9

6 . M o re Ways to Resolve Your Confl i c t s . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 7

7 . L e a rning from Your Confl i c t s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 9

B i bl i ograp hy of Resources on Confl i c t s . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 0 5

I n d ex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 0 9

About the Au t h o r . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 3

i i i

TABLE OF CONTENTS

M a ny years have passed since I wrote L e a rning fro mC o n fl i c t in response to the need for tra i n e rs to help peopledeal with their conflicts. I fre q u e n t ly re c e ive requests for ana d ap t ation of this instru c t o r ’s manual from individuals wh owant to learn how to handle their conflicts better but don’tk n ow how!

In the M a n age rs ’ Po cket Guide to Dealing with Confl i c t, Ih ave drawn from many people and dive rse orga n i z at i o n a lsettings to provide real life examples of wo rkplace confl i c t s .If you are a person less than confident and successful indealing with wo rk confl i c t s , this book is for you. You willl e a rn how to help yo u rself and your employees face and dealwith conflicts. By dealing with these conflicts you willi m p rove your and your employe e s ’i n t e rp e rsonal re l at i o n s h i p sand improve pro d u c t iv i t y.

The seve n - s t age model used in this book was outlined in the1982 edition and later the 1991 second edition of L e a rn i n gf rom Confl i c t. The model ensures that individuals ex p l o rec o n flicts from many angles. We fi rst need to re c og n i ze them e s s ages we carry from our early ye a rs so we can identify theirp o t e n cy in how we deal with conflicts today. We all move intoadulthood with too few skills to deal with conflicts successfully.

v

P re f a c e

The Manage r ’s Po c ket Guide to Dealing with Conflict

v i

We also must invest some time in identifying the kinds ofc o n flicts we have and how we react to them. No one can escap eall conflicts at wo rk , but we can control how we react to them.

It also helps to diagnose wh at is behind each of our confl i c t sin order to help re s o l ve them. Th e re fo re, I ex p l o re eightp o s s i ble causes behind our confl i c t s .

L e a rning about our childhood conflict message s , the kinds ofc o n flicts we have, the ways we react to them, and theircauses helps to ke ep many conflicts from developing or esca-l at i n g. This is import a n t , because I believe we can tru ly avo i dsome conflicts entir e ly and decrease the growth of others .Since I pers o n a l ly began this wo rk in confl i c t , I have consid-e rably fewer conflicts with the people I wo rk with and thegroups I lead.

In this compact book, I have put together over twe n t y - fiveye a rs of my ex p e rience with conflict and specific ideas onh ow you too can deal with your and your employe e s ’c o n flicts.

D r. Lois B. HartL a faye t t e, C o l o ra d o

October 1998

Conflicts occur eve ry d ay in the life of manage rs. You can’te s c ape them, but you can learn how to handle them better.

Wh at is a conflict? Conflicts are many things. Th ey are thes t ru ggle between two or more fo rc e s , p o s i t i o n s , or actions.For ex a m p l e, you have a conflict wh e n :

• Your ex p e c t ations come up against the reality of those onyour staff.

• The deadline you set for a project is not met.

• Pe o p l e ’s needs for re c ognition are not met.

• Your wo rk style diffe rs from some of your staff’s.

• People have hidden agendas and w o n ’t reveal their tru eopinions and fe e l i n g s .

• C o n t ri butions are ignored so people withdraw fro ms u ggesting anything new.

• Th e re is too mu ch wo rk to do and this affects pers o n a lhealth and fa m i ly life.

• People gloss over conflicts and hope they will just go away.

1

Because Yo u ’re Human,You’ll Have Conflicts

1

The Manager’s Po c ket Guide to Dealing with Conflict

2

P ro b ably more than half of all people do not like conflict andwill want to avoid the uncomfo rt able feelings associated withit. Another quarter use inap p ro p ri ate methods to deal withtheir conflicts. This leaves ve ry few people who confi d e n t lyand successfully handle conflict. This book draws from thesuccessful strat egies used by these manage rs .

U n re s o l ved conflicts are costly. Consider how mu ch time yo utook to wo rk through a recent conflict. Multiply the time bythe hourly value of each person in the conflict. This total wills h ow you the cost of one confl i c t .

Number of Hours per week Average Salaryspent on conflicts

×or Hourly Pay

= Costs of Conflict

Number of Hours per week spent on conflicts

× 52 Weeks = Lost T i m eand Pro d u c t i v i t y

For instance, R o b e rt noted that a conflict he helped re s o l veb e t ween two of his staff members took three hours of theirt i m e. At a pro rated value of his time, this conflict cost $120of his time plus another $90 of his two staff members’. IfR o b e rt has even two conflicts a we e k , this totals $21,840 ayear in costs and also the loss of 312 hours !

To handle all the conflicts you face eve ry d ay, you need tol e a rn how to:

• Identify the seven stages of the Conflict Cycl e

• Ap p ly a method of re c o rding your conf l i c t s

Because Yo u ’re Human, You’ll Have Conflicts

3

• Identify how you react to confl i c t s

• Name the causes of confl i c t

• Identify how self-interest helps us to re s o l ve confl i c t s

• L e a rn and ap p ly five methods for resolving conflicts

• R e flect on your conflicts and learn from each one

Most conflicts go through seven phases as shown in theC o n flict Cycl e. The illustration on the fo l l owing page show sthe seven phases:

1. A n t i c i p at i o n

2. Wait and See

3. G row i n g

4. In the Open

5. Ap p l i c at i o n

6. S e t t l e m e n t

7. R e fl e c t i o n

The fi rst phase, A n t i c i p at i o n, is the starting point. Humans,l i ke the tur t l e, need a pro t e c t ive shield to surv ive. Howeve r,people know they have to stick out their necks in order tofunction in this wo rl d. Th ey anticipate and expect to dealwith conflicts because that is just a normal part ofex i s t e n c e. No one relishes facing confl i c t , but eve ryo n ek n ows it will occur.


4

The Conflict Cycle


5

Once a conflict emerge s , it moves to the second phase, Wa i tand See. L i ke the hawk who can fly over his terri t o rys u rveying wh at is there, i n d ividuals also may take time inthis phase to look over the situat i o n , assess wh at ish ap p e n i n g, and determine how serious it is.

So m e t i m e s , you can re s o l ve the conflict immediat e ly.S o m e t i m e s , c o n flicts cannot be re a d i ly solved and these willmu s h room into the G row i n g p h a s e. At times, c o n fl i c t smu s h room ve ry slow ly; other times they can quick ly erupt intoa full-scale pro bl e m , and can no longer be ignored.

N ow the conflict is In the Open phase wh e re there is nod e nying its ex i s t e n c e. At this point, some people will R e t re atf rom dealing with the conflict because they are nat u ra l lyavo i d e rs or because they want more time to assess thes i t u ation.

Once the conflict is out in the open and named, i t sR e s o l u t i o n is possibl e. As an alchemist was once able tom i ra c u l o u s ly ch a n ge a thing into something even better,t o d ay we can also ex p e ri m e n t , t rying out va rious re s o l u t i o nt e chniques until the right one wo rk s .

The conflict moves from an Ap p l i c ation of Resolution to aS e t t l e m e n t p h a s e. The resolution occurs when eve ryone iss at i s fi e d. With re s o l u t i o n , s t ress and energy are re d i rected toother activities. Like cooing dove s , the people in the conf l i c ta re re a dy to re c ap t u re the good feelings they prev i o u s ly hadfor one another.


6

The last part of the Conflict Cycle is critical although oftenn eg l e c t e d. The R e fl e c t i o n phase re q u i res that team membersre flect on the conflict they have re s o l ved and analy ze wh ath appened so they can learn from the conflict. Th ey ask:

• “ Wh at was the cause of this conflict and have wee l i m i n ated it so another conflict wo n ’t emerge ? ”

• “ H ow did we each behave when it was obvious we had ac o n flict? How can we reduce our resistance to confl i c t ? ”

• “ Wh at did we do to re s o l ve the conflict? Was it an effe c t ivem e t h o d ? ”

E a ch of your conflicts will take diffe rent amounts of time towo rk through each phase. For instance, as lunch time ro l l sa ro u n d, you can hard ly wait to see wh at is on the menu .Because you are quite hungry, you immediat e ly study them e nu. You see the Philly steak and fries and think howdelicious that will taste. Sudd e n ly you remember your newcommitment to eat fewer fatty fo o d s , so you turn yo u rattention to the salads. After lunch , you re flect on yo u rc o n flict and compliment yo u rself on making the healthierch o i c e. The actual amount of time for resolving your confl i c tmight be only minutes but it went through all seven phases.

As Sondra sat down at her desk on Monday morn i n g, s h ei m m e d i at e ly felt tense as she faced the piles of wo rk. Her fi rs tc o n flict of the week was how to get eve rything orga n i ze d so itwould be done within the limited hours she had.

As she scanned the wo rk left over from the week befo re andthe “ To Do” items in her daily planner, she decided to handlea couple of the easier items quick ly. She made two calls,


7

scanned one memo, and answe red five e-mails. When shel o o ked at the cl o ck , over an hour had passed and she still hadavoided completing a pr i o ri t i zed list of tasks!

By postponing, she let the conflict grow. While she thought itwould make her feel better to get some quick itemsa c c o m p l i s h e d, it actually added stress and kept the confl i c ta l ive. She should have moved the conflict in the open,rev i ewed her list of tasks, p ri o ri t i zed them, and quick lyre s o l ved the conflict with a realistic plan for the day. Sondradid re flect on this pat t e rn of postponing the inev i t able andvowed to ch a n ge her ways next Monday.

S o n d ra ’s conflict remained active for about two hours. Manyof our conflicts evo l ve over mu ch more time befo re they arefaced and re s o l ve d. Let’s fo l l ow Elizabeth as she faces ac o n flict on the fi rst day of her new job.

Phase One: A n t i c i p at i o n . E l i z abeth expects that there willbe conflicts because she has held five diffe rent jobs in thepast fifteen ye a rs. During her job interv i ew, she asked Te rry,her new manage r, wh e re her wo rk space would be. Hes h owed her two offices. One was fully furnished with a viewto the hallway. The other had only a built-in desk and ch a i r,and was tucked back in the corner away from the door’sv i ew. Te rry said they would wait until both the new hires hada rrived to decide who would get wh i ch space.

Phase Two : Wait and See. E l i z abeth arrived the fi rst day onthe job and immediat e ly ran into a pro blem. Her new c o l l e ag u e,B o b, had arrived just befo re her and had brought a big box ofbooks. He asked Te rry wh e re to put them and was told to


8

chose wh i ch ever office he wa n t e d. Nat u ra l ly Bob chose thef u rnished office with the better location. Elizab e t h ’s heartsank. She didn’t want to make waves the fi rst hour on then ew job, h oweve r, her new office was so spartan! She alsok n ew it was important to be visible within this male-dominat e do rga n i z ation and she would never be seen tucked away aro u n dthe bend of her space. She chose to wait and see wh at wo u l dh appen as she and Bob met with Te rry for their ori e n t at i o n .

Phase Th re e : G row i n g. The conflict grew. Although Boband Elizabeth we re not in their offices the f i rst day due toother ori e n t ation activ i t i e s , t h ey needed to use them by thesecond day. Te rry was cat ching up with his own wo rk and didnot seem to notice the pro blem about the office space. Notk n owing any better, he did not intervene; if he had go t t e ni nvo l ved the fi rst day, the conflict could have been re s o l ve dm o re quick ly.

By the third day, the pro blem had grown bigge r, at least fo rE l i z abeth. She was incre a s i n g ly bothered by this inequity.She sure ly did not want to make wave s , e s p e c i a l ly becauseshe was only one of a few women in the orga n i z ation. Bobfelt some of the tension between them but thought Elizab e t hwas just another difficult woman. Th ey we re new to onea n o t h e r, so they did nothing. Th ey could not appeal to Te rrybecause he was away all day.

Phase Fo u r : In the Open. As Elizabeth was reading in hero ffi c e, another colleag u e, S a m , came in to say hello. Samwas an enthusiastic and helpful person who re m e m b e red hisfi rst few days in the orga n i z ation. Sam asked Elizabeth how


9

things we re go i n g. Initially she claimed eve rything was fi n e,but then she decided to tell Sam more. Elizabeth used thisopening to tell Sam about the office pro blem. Wh at a relief itwas to have someone listen!

Phase Five : R e s o l u t i o n . Sam immediat e ly took action tohelp re s o l ve this conflict. He went across the hall and go tBob so the three of them could talk. He asked each person tod e s c ribe wh at they ideally needed in their offi c e. Elizab e t hexplained how she needed her space to be less spartan andm o re completely furn i s h e d. She was also concerned ab o u tke eping a high pro file with the rest of the staff and Bob’s set-up provided this ex p o s u re. On the other hand, she liked aquiet office as she wo rked on pro j e c t s .

Bob said he wanted to have enough bookshelves for hisbooks. He did not care mu ch about the finer fe at u res of ad e c o rated offi c e.

Sam fa c i l i t ated a discussion so they could find a solution.Th ey decided to ke ep the offices they alre a dy had but withsome ch a n ge s .

As part of the re s o l u t i o n , E l i z abeth decided she would inten-t i o n a l ly walk around the dep a rtment a lot during the f i rst fewmonths and info rm a l ly stay in touch with eve ryo n e. Th e nl ater on, the staff would feel at ease poking heads around hero ffice opening to speak to her.

Bob offe red to give Elizabeth two of the art prints and theplant. Then the three of them wa l ked around the rest of theo ffice building looking for ex t ra furn i t u re. Th ey quick lyfound a bookcase for Bob and two side ch a i rs for Elizabeth.


1 0

Phase Six: S e t t l e m e n t . Within one hour, E l i z abeth and Bobwe re sat i s fied with each of their offices and could movefo r wa rd with a compat i ble re l ationship. Both Sam and Bobreg u l a rly dropped into Elizab e t h ’s offi c e.

Phase Seve n : R e fl e c t i o n . L ater Elizabeth re flected on thisc o n flict. She identified that the cause was based on twod i ffe rent pieces of info rm ation Te rry gave to Sam and her.Sam had been told on his fi rst day to choose wh i ch ever offi c ehe wa n t e d. She re a l i zed that their new boss should have beenm o re awa re of his miscommu n i c at i o n , but because he wa s n ’t ,she could have spoken to Te rry on the fi rst day.

E l i z abeth also learned the value of a third party in re s o l v i n gc o n flict. In this case another colleag u e, S a m , helped his twop e e rs find a solution. She re c og n i zed how successfully Samused nego t i ation to help Bob and her re s o l ve the confl i c t .

H ow Do You V i ew Conflict?

From the conflict messages you heard and the people yo uwe re around growing up, you developed definite beliefsabout confl i c t .

If you ex p e rienced lots of conflicts growing up, you pro b ablyb e l i eve that conflicts are destru c t ive and should be avo i d e d.For yo u , c o n flict means:

• Nothing hap p e n s , t h e re is no ch a n ge in behavior or at t i t u d e.

• E n e rgy is dive rted from more important wo rk .

• M o rale is destroye d.


1 1

• People feel wo rse about themselve s .

• People end up more polari ze d.

• E gos and feelings are damage d.

• C o n flicts ex a c e r b ate turf wa rs .

• Nothing positive results from the confl i c t .

• You should avoid conflict as mu ch as possibl e.

On the other hand, if you we re exposed to adults who openlyand calmly dealt with conflicts and used a va riety of methodsto re s o l ve them, you pro b ably believe that conflicts can bec o n s t ru c t ive. For yo u , c o n flict means:

• Th e re will be a cl a ri fi c ation of the issues.

• People feel closer after resolving the confl i c t .

• Th e re is a release of tension and emotions.

• People understand and respect each other’s values andex p e rience more.

• After re s o l u t i o n , t h e re is an increase in pro d u c t iv i t y.

B e fo re you can help others deal with their confl i c t s , you willneed to re - examine your beliefs about conflict. You will be am o re effe c t ive manager if you believe conflicts are a norm a land nat u ral part of life. Some conflicts can be avoided ando t h e rs can be kept from escalat i n g. Some conflicts are notwo rth swe ating about and others are critical to deal with.Most import a n t , you need to take time to re flect on confl i c t syo u ’ve had and to learn from them so you can deal with then ext conflict better.


1 2

N ow that you understand the seven phases conflicts got h rough and have eva l u ated your view of confl i c t s , l e t ’sex p l o re the kinds of conflicts you have to deal with in yo u rwo rk .

Pa rt of your success in dealing with conflicts i nvo l ve staking some time to rev i ew the kinds of conflicts you have,when you have them, and with whom.

This honest eva l u ation is wo rth the effo rt because, in manyc a s e s , you will be able to take wh at you learned and avo i dn ew conflicts in the future. For instance, you might find thatyou have a lot of conflicts at the same time of the day ornotice you have more conflicts when you are tire d. Know i n gt h i s , you can lay plans to orga n i ze your day around yo u re n e rgy leve l s .

Identifying your conflicts leads to quicker resolutions. Th ep h rase To name it is to claim it means that once a conflict isn a m e d, a solution can be cl a i m e d. Named conflicts are nol o n ger elusive, but instead manage abl e.

For instance, you might find that you ke ep having confl i c t swith the same person and nothing has ch a n ge d. This is yo u rred fl ag that it is time to get these conflicts out in the openwith this person and wo rk out those ch ronic issues.

The fo l l owing are two methods you can use to name yo u rc o n flicts. Once you complete the naming process and see its

1 3

Naming Your Conflicts

2


1 4

va l u e, look for opportunities to show your staff membersthese tech n i q u e s .

The Conflict Chart

This method invo l ves identifying the kinds of conflicts yo uh ave with particular people in your life, both at wo rk and inyour personal life.

Use the ch a rt shown ab ove to develop your Conflict Char t .D own the left side of a piece of pap e r, list the names ofpeople you come in contact with during a typical week. Listas many as you want. Examples of people at wo rk might be:

• your boss

• s e c re t a ry

• i n d ividuals who rep o rt to yo u

• c o l l e ague in another dep a rt m e n t

What was the What did What was the Pe o p l e c o n f l i c t ? each do? o u t c o m e ?


1 5

• c u s t o m e rs

• ve n d o rs or suppliers

• cl i e n t s

To the right of each name, b ri e fly write the conflicts you havehad with each person in the recent week. Wh at was thec o n flict? (Obv i o u s ly you do not need to complete eve ry line inthe event you did not ex p e rience a conflict with that pers o n . )

In the next column describe wh at method(s) you used tore s o l ve the conflict. For instance, you discussed the issuesuntil each person had a better unders t a n d i n g, or yo un ego t i ated a solution, or you obtained more info rm at i o n , o ryou asked your boss to interve n e.

In the last column to the ri g h t , d e s c ribe the outcome. Fo ri n s t a n c e, you all felt re l i eved that the conflict was re s o l ve d,or you felt more energ i zed for your wo rk , or you are sleep i n gb e t t e r. Pe r h aps the conflict was handled poorly and the outcomesi n cluded you felt angry still or the conflict re m a i n s .

Once you have completed the ch a rt , you are re a dy to rev i ewthe info rm at i o n , look for pat t e rn s , and decide how you candeal with conflicts diffe re n t ly. Tu rn to page 20 at the end ofthis ch apter for some questions that will help with this cl a ri fi-c at i o n .

Ja ke is a manager in an insurance offi c e. He wants to assessthe kinds of conflicts he has and how well he handles them,so he completed the Conflict Chart for one week. Here is his ch a rt .


1 6

What was the What did What was the Pe o p l e c o n f l i c t ? each do? o u t c o m e ?

M r. Jonas M r. Jonas called John and I I monitored his(customer) to complain r e v i e wed the new claims’ calls and John about John who steps fo r and pra i s e d

took his claims handling him fo rr e p o rt . c l a i m s . doing it we l l .

My I yelled at her She became She called inr e c e p t i o n i s t for ke e p i n g d e fe n s i ve and sick the next

a messy desk. almost cri e d . d ay. N ow shemopes all day.

My wife She got on my She went out We avoid case for playing and spent a talking about ittoo much golf. lot of money so nothing has

on clothes. h a p p e n e d .I had a lousy day.

The We arg u e d We each He won c o n t ractor about the cost a rg u e d because I haddoing the for fixing a our points, signed ao f fice m i s t a ke in the in fact quite change order.remodeling room divider. l o u d ly. I’m still angry.j o b

My district My monthly I reminded We agreed Im a n a g e r r e p o rt showe d him of the would get the

a drop in new i n t e rru p t i o n s c o n t ractor toc l i e n t s . the office had do more of

with the the wo rk atremodeling n i g h t .j o b. He l i s t e n e d .


1 7

B e fo re we move on to eva l u ating Ja ke ’s log, look over thesecond method you might use to name your confl i c t s .

For the Record

The second method for naming your conflicts invo l ve ske eping a log of your conflicts for two we e k s .

For two we e k s , you take time each day to re c o rd info rm at i o nabout a conflict you had that day. Try to do this at the sametime each day, for ex a m p l e, just befo re heading for home. Ofc o u rs e, if you had no conflicts some day s , note this too!

In the People column, note with whom you had the conflict.

D ay s People What conflict What hap p e n e dwas about

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

1 0


1 8

In the next column, b ri e fly write about the conflict you havehad with this person. Wh at was the confl i c t ?

In the next column describe wh at method(s) you used tore s o l ve the conflict. For instance, you discussed the issuesuntil each person had a better unders t a n d i n g, or yo un ego t i ated a solution, or you obtained more info rm at i o n , o ryou asked your boss to interve n e.

At the end of two weeks you will be re a dy to eva l u ate wh atyou re c o rd e d.

Susan is the manager of a retail store. Here is Susan’s re c o rdof her conflicts for two weeks.


1 K a r e n , Her tardiness For the fi rst time,my . . . a g a i n Karen honestlya s s i s t a n t explained what is

happening in herp e rsonal life.Wewo rked on a planwhere she will callme ASAP whenshe will be late.

2 C u s t o m e r Complaint about Customer was one our new s a t i s fied after s a l e s p e rs o n s—S a ra sounding off plus

I gave her a coup-on for her nextp u r c h a s e. I willwo rk with Saralater this we e k .


1 9


3 Vendor Late shipment This has been a chronic probl e m .I need to check thec o n t ract again andtalk with our law ye r.

4 To m , His appeara n c e I noticed his clothess a l e s p e rs o n were not clean.We

r e v i e wed our storestandards ande x p e c t a t i o n s .

5 S a ra , The customer’s We reviewed thes a l e s p e rs o n c o m p l a i n t steps for handling a

c u s t o m e r ’s complaint.She practiced how toto word her responsesto complaints.

6 C h ri s , I snapped at Chri s I apologized to himc a s h i e r when I saw him because I did this

m oving too slow ly when others mightand there we r e h ave heard. I wass e ve ral people tired and spoke in line. too quickly.

7 Two of my They were arg u i n g I listened to both ofs t o c ke rs over who was to them and together

blame about the we came up withmess in the some ideas to ke e ps t o c k r o o m . the stockroom neater

on a daily basis so itdoes not get to thepoint of bl a m i n geach other.


2 0

W h at Have You Observe d ?

Once you have completed the Conflict Chart or For theR e c o rd log, you are re a dy to rev i ew the info rm at i o n , look fo rp at t e rn s , and decide how you can deal with confl i c t sd i ffe re n t ly. Ask yo u rself these questions:

1. Do you pre d o m i n at e ly have conflicts with the same typesof people and ra re ly with others ?

2. Wh at are the usual causes of the conflicts? (You may wa n tto rev i ew Chapter 4 on causes of confl i c t s . )

3. Wh at ge n e ra l ly wo rked to re s o l ve the conflicts? Wh atd i d n ’t? (Later you can rev i ew resolution methods inC h apter 6.)


8 L a n d l o r d R e c e i ved letter U n r e s o l ve d .N e e dre new rule about to talk with othersandwich board lease holders .signs outside.

9 To m His appeara n c e I wrote up aa g a i n . d i s c i p l i n a ry report

for his fi l e.

1 0 No I am more aw a r ec o n f l i c t s of watching fo rt o d ay ! g r owing conflicts and

handled probl e m sfaster today.


2 1

4. Wh at did not wo rk? Did you make the conflict wo rse bygoing ove r b o a rd, losing your temper, or becoming defe n s ive ?

5. We re the outcomes ve ry diffe rent or similar? We re theyge n e ra l ly positive outcomes?

6. Wh at conclusions can you draw from rev i ewing this info r-m at i o n ?

7. Wh at will you do diffe re n t ly the next time you face ac o n fl i c t ?

Ja ke looked over his week and re a l i zed that :

• My temper was ve ry short this whole week.

• I had conflicts with five people, all of whom are important to me.

• I think my unre s o l ved conflict with my wife kept me in abad mood and then I took it out on my re c eptionist and thec o n t ra c t o r.

• I think I handled the customer’s legi t i m ate complaint we l land have kept it from happening again by providing a dditional training for John.

Susan rev i ewed her two weeks of conflicts and came to thefo l l owing observat i o n s :

• I have conflicts with all kinds of people at wo rk from mya s s i s t a n t , my salespers o n , s t o cke rs , c a s h i e r, and others Id epend on like my landlord and ve n d o r.

• My conflicts are caused for many re a s o n s : I sometimesh ave unclear and unstated ex p e c t ations. Sara needs more


2 2

t raining and closer supervision. Howeve r, our vendor hass e rious pro blems with his business pr a c t i c e s .

• Some conflicts we re easy to fi x , l i ke my conflict withC h ris and our customer. Others took more time, l i kewo rking with the stocke rs.

• The pro blems with the ve n d o r ’s late shipments will costme more time and money if I have to go to the law ye r.

• N ext time I am over stressed or ove rly tire d, I will try tot a ke care of my conflicts with the employees more calmlyor defer them until a later or more ap p ro p ri ate time.

• C o n flicts are cert a i n ly a nat u ral part of this type of wo rk. Iseem to handle most of them fa i rly easily, but I have mu chm o re to learn.

Ja ke and Susan, l i ke yo u , b e n e fit from ke eping tra ck of theirc o n flicts. The insights they gain will help them when theyf u rther analy ze the causes of all of their confl i c t s .

The key to understanding your conflicts is to know wh at theya re. Starting today use one of these methods to re c o rd yo u rc o n fl i c t s , who they are with, and how you handled them.With this info rm ation in hand, you will be able to rev i ewways you react to confl i c t s , as described in the next ch ap t e r.

Joe called his assistant, L i s a , into his office to discuss therep o rt she submitted re c e n t ly. With the rep o rt in front of him,Joe started going through it, p age by page, pointing out thee rro rs in the data. He cri t i c i zed the logic of Lisa’s concl u s i o n s ,and even at t a cked the graphics on the rep o rt ’s cove r.

At fi rs t , Lisa listened, n o dding each time Joe made a pointShe took notes for awh i l e, but then stopped as Joe went onand on. Lisa could not hear anything cl e a rly any m o re,because inside she was thinking about how hard she hadwo rked on this rep o rt. She silently wo n d e red why Joe wa sbeing so critical. Occasionally she tried to defend her rep o rt ,but Joe quick ly interrupted her and went on.

When Joe was done, he closed the rep o rt , leaned back in hisch a i r, l o o ked up, and saw Lisa’s reactions. Her jaw wa sfi rm ly set. She did not maintain any eye contact and wa sblinking her eyes as if she was about to cry.

Joe was surp rised by her reactions to his fe e d b a ck. After all,he was just trying to be helpful so the final rep o rt would bea c c u rate and well re c e ived! He was used to re c e iving cri t i c a lfe e d b a ck. He re m e m b e red his A rmy sergeant who re a l ly laidon the criticism. Jo e ’s immediate supervisor calls him aside

2 3

H ow Do You React to Conflicts?

3


2 4

wh e n ever his perfo rmance is not excellent. He wo n d e red whyLisa was so shake n .

Reactions A re Learned Behav i o r s

People react to conflicts diffe re n t ly, some calmly and otherswith an ex p l o s ive re s p o n s e. Some people flee from thec o n fl i c t , and others come back fi g h t i n g. Some indiv i d u a l slook for ways to nego t i at e, while others ke ep pushing to ge ttheir own way. Just as conflicts come in many fo rm s , so doour re a c t i o n s .

Often the way we react to conflicts is also based on how weex p e rienced conflicts growing up. Most like ly, t o d ay ’sreactions are based on ye s t e rd ay ’s model. As you we regrowing up, h ow did those around you deal with confl i c t s ?Wh at messages did your pare n t s , t e a ch e rs , re l i gious leaders ,and scoutmasters give you?

Char was consistently told by her parents to act like a lady,wh i ch meant no fi g h t i n g. She was always told, “If you can’ts ay anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.”

To d ay, Char still reacts to conflicts just as she did as a ch i l d.She has difficulty giving any negat ive fe e d b a ck to staffm e m b e rs , even when they need to correct some behav i o r.Instead she says nothing and this often contri butes toc o n flicts. For instance, when she said nothing to Steve ab o u this put-downs towa rds a large - s i zed woman in the offi c e, h e rsilence enraged the wo m a n , who eve n t u a l ly filed a complaintwith the Human Resources off i c e.

S t eve, on the other hand, had a childhood filled with loudfi g h t i n g, verbal abu s e, and even some physical punishment.


2 5

As an adult, S t eve also yells at others when he is fru s t rat e d.He thinks his “ p u t - d ow n s ” a re only harmless teasing.

Our reactions to conflicts we re learned early in our live s .These pat t e rns are well ingrained into our adult behavior andattitudes. Fo rt u n at e ly we can re - l e a rn and modify the way wereact to confl i c t s .

R ev i ewing the ways you react to conflict is another piece ofthe puzzle for understanding how conflicts wo rk. Often, aheightened awa reness of how we react can help to ke ep somec o n flicts from escalat i n g. We can choose how we react. Wecan actually learn new and better ways to react when we havec o n fl i c t s .

I t ’s in Your Body!

Wh e n ever we are ex p e riencing a confl i c t , the way we react toit will also show up somewh e re in our bodies. We fre q u e n t lyhear about the impact stress has on our bodies. Doctors oftent race high blood pre s s u re and back pain to stress. Employe rsoften tra ck ch ronic absenteeism to unre s o l ved pro blems ands t ress. Th e re is always a price on our bodies when we havec o n fl i c t s .

E ve ry time Je n n i fer faces a conflict with a staff member,o b s e rve rs can always tell because she stands ri gi d ly, t i g h t e n sup her neck , and even rubs it with one hand. Once thec o n flict is re s o l ve d, Je n n i fe r ’s neck and body re l a x .

Think about some of your recent conflicts. Recall wh ath ap p e n e d. Wh e re did you feel it in your body? Did you havea re a c t i o n :


2 6

• in your head with a headach e

• in your stomach with acid

• in your back with lower back pain

• in your shoulders with tightness

• in your teeth with gr i n d i n g

• in your hands by biting your nails

• in your chest with tightness?


2 7

Often the clues to how we react in our bodies are in thewo rds we use. Consider these common phrases heard aspeople speak about a pro bl e m :

• I’m pulling out my hair.

• Yo u ’ll just have shoulder it.

• L e t ’s bite into this pro bl e m .

• She is so stiff necke d.

• I just want to close my eyes (to the confl i c t ) .

• I can’t stomach any more !

These bodily reactions to conflict are automat i c. The onlyway to ch a n ge the way you react is to be awa re of yo u rb e h av i o r. Once monitored you can mitigate the power ofsome of your re a c t i o n s .

It is important to be awa re of wh e re your reactions are store din your body because if left unat t e n d e d, your body will eve n-t u a l ly become ill. Disease means d i s - e a s e; conflicts leads tod i s - e a s e in our bodies.

A re You Someone Who . . . ?

The fo l l owing is a list of other ways people react to confl i c t s .As you rev i ew this list, note wh i ch are the types of re a c t i o n syou have. Also consider if your style helps or hinders thes i t u at i o n .

• Do you react d e fe n s ive ly with comeb a cks like, “ You justd o n ’t unders t a n d,” or “ Ye s , bu t .” We often defend andjustify ours e l ves when we feel eva l u ated or perc e ive we


2 8

l a ck powe r. It also happens when we think the other pers o nhas some ulterior motive or has the authority to hurt us.

• Do you come out fi g h t i n g? Do you respond with counter-t h re ats or insults or seek reve n ge?

• Do you use l a n g u age t h at is not ap p ro p ri ate in ap ro fessional setting?

• Do you react with either of these two ex t re m e s — ve ryc a l m ly or ve ry a n gri ly?

• Do you try to smooth ove r the confl i c t , emphasizing thei m p o rtance of harm o ny and peace?

• Do you d ive rt your reaction into another activity or conve r-s ation? Some people say “ We wo n ’t go there ” and immedi-at e ly lead into another discussion. Some bu s i ly movethings around or phy s i c a l ly go for a wa l k .

• Do you just give in, ab d i c at i n g by agreeing with the otherp e rson? Do you think it is hopeless and re a d i ly stat e,“ Yo u ’re ri g h t ! ”

• Do you c ry?

• Do you use your a u t h o ri t y to help re s o l ve the conflict?

Look back at your Conflict Chart and For the Record logs inthe previous ch apter and note how you initially reacted ine a ch conflict. Use the underlined wo rds ab ove to indicat eyour reactions in prior conflicts.

C h e ck those conflict incidents when you reacted in an inap-p ro p ri ate way. Then think of wh at you could have doned i ffe re n t ly. (In later ch ap t e rs you will learn more about alter-n at ive ways to re s o l ve confl i c t s . )


2 9

Jake (the insurance office manager) reviewed his week’sconflicts and immediately realized that he could not takeaway his fatigue, but he did not have to yell at his receptionist.Instead, he could have put aside his irritation with her messyarea until another day. That way he could have chosen a time when he was rested and calmly talked the problem overwith her.

Susan (the retail store manager) rev i ewed her two - week logand re c og n i zed that her reaction to the landlord ’s demandabout using outdoor sandw i ch boards was passive. A f t e rm o re re fl e c t i o n , Susan re a l i zed that she often reacts passive lyto pro blems with people who have control or power over her.No longer is she content to continue this passive behav i o r.She immediat e ly signed up for a seminar on assert iveness soshe will learn how to modify this behav i o r.

A re You an A voider of Conflict?

If you are an avoider of confl i c t s , you have plenty of company.The majority of people would rather avoid a conflict than dealwith it. In fa c t , m a ny of them have a ve ry serious pro bl e mbecause their avoidance is so deep ly engrave d.

G rowing up in a dysfunctional fa m i ly life usually results inavoidance of conflict in adulthood. Children who observeove rt confl i c t s , aggre s s i o n , and fighting may learn quick ly toavoid the pain of conflicts. As ch i l d re n , t h ey felt helpless,and as adults this feeling of helplessness persists when theyface new conflict situat i o n s , whether at wo rk or in theirp e rsonal live s .


3 0

Another reason we might be conflict avo i d e rs is that therewe re too few models in our lives to show us how to success-f u l ly deal with conflicts. The well-meaning pare n t s , t e a ch e rs ,and other adults in our lives also we re inadequat e ly prep a re dfor adult conflicts. Even our school curriculum ra re lya dd ressed the topic of conflict. As we moved from ch i l d h o o dinto adulthood, we came unprep a red with the skills we wo u l dneed to deal with conflicts. Wh at we do not know how to dois often avo i d e d.

So if we had poor ex p e riences or examples of how to dealwith conflicts in the past, t o d ay we may believe that confl i c tis bad and should be avoided at all costs. This head-in-the-sand attitude affects eve ryo n e. You will ex p e rience pro l o n ge dago ny and stress over unre s o l ved conflicts. Others aro u n dyou will be fru s t rated by your avoidance of conflicts. It doesnot pay to avoid confl i c t s .

W h at Can You Do to Change Your Reactions to Conflicts?

1. S t a rt by re c ognizing how you react to conflicts. Go back toyour Conflict Chart or For the Record log in Chapter 2.W rite down how you reacted to each conflict.

• Is there a pat t e rn in your reaction style or did you re a c td i ffe re n t ly to each conflict situat i o n ?

• Ask yo u rself if your reactions we re ap p ro p ri ate for thes i t u at i o n ?

2. Examine your attitude towa rd conflict. Adjust your view ofc o n flict from that of conflict as the enemy to that of eve ryc o n flict can be an oppor t u n i t y. This attitude will help yo u


3 1

l e a rn more about yo u rself and your conflicts. Becausec o n flicts are inev i t abl e, you might as well benefit fro me a ch situat i o n .

3. Wo rk on ch a n ging your reactions slow ly. Choose one ofyour reactions that can be ch a n ged more easily. It take sabout thirty days to ch a n ge a habit. Wo rk on this onereaction for that long, monitor how well you do, t h e nc e l eb rate your progress. The next month, t ry another newb e h avior to replace an ina p p ro p ri ate re a c t i o n .

4. Seek pro fessional help to deal with any serious avo i d a n c eto conflict pat t e rn. This is so deep seated that a therap e u t i ci n t e rvention will be necessary to re a l i ze pro found ch a n ge.

5. Wat ch others ’ reactions to conflicts care f u l ly. Learn tore c og n i ze your staff members ’ reactions by looking at then o nverbal cues they give out. Help them examine theirreactions and suggest altern at ive ways to deal withc o n fl i c t s .

R e m e m b e r, we can choose how we react to confl i c t !

Some causes of conflicts can be ve ry simple. It is 5:30 P. M .

Ted has been at wo rk since 7:30 A . M . and was too busy tostop for lunch. He gets a phone call from one of his pro j e c tm a n age rs who raises a new pro blem. Te d ’s reaction is stro n g.He cuts off the manager and slams down the phone.

It is not like Ted to behave so curt ly, but his reaction hascaused a conflict. Why? Ted is hungry! Wh at he needs mostis fo o d, not another hour at wo rk !

Other conflicts are more complex and their causes are hard e rto decipher. Jane is a new employee who feels left out andc o n f u s e d. This is her fi rst pro fessional job. After three we e k son the job, she has not produced mu ch wo rk. Her new boss isf ru s t rated and upset with her. He wo n d e rs when she willb egin to pro d u c e.

Jane re c og n i zes that there are seve ral causes to her confl i c t .She suspects she does not have all the info rm ation sheneeds to do her job well. She thinks her new boss assumesshe knows more than she re a l ly does. She also is passive lywaiting for others to fill her in on wh at she needs to know.She was taught to wait for others with authority to speak to yo u .

3 3

What Causes Conflicts?

4


3 4

W hy Search for Causes to Your Conflicts?

Identifying the causes of your conflicts is an essential step ins u c c e s s f u l ly resolving them. A doctor spends timed i agnosing the pat i e n t ’s symptoms befo re writing a pre s c ri p-tion. We must also diagnose wh at is going on so we cand evelop the best course of action.

Another reason for re c ognizing the causes of conflicts is thati n c reased awa reness will actually help some conflicts fro mever deve l o p i n g. For instance, once Ted re a l i zed heh ab i t u a l ly skipped lunch and re a l i zed its corre l ation to thec o n flicts he had in the aftern o o n , he made sure he at ereg u l a rly. Now conflicts do not happen because he is hungry.

Eight Key Causes of Conflict

The fo l l owing is a quick rev i ew of eight possible causes ofc o n flicts. As you read them, think back to some of the confl i c t syou named earlier in Chapter 2 and note wh at caused them.L ater each of these causes will be ex p l o red in more detail.

1 . Unmet Needs and Wa n t s

The fi rst cause may be within individuals and their unmetneeds and wants. Conflicts happen when people arep hy s i c a l ly unwe l l—t i re d, h u n gry, and ove r- s t re s s e d. Th eyh appen when people’s basic needs for re c og n i t i o n , a ffe c t i o n ,and affi l i ation are not met in their team or wo rk env i ro n m e n t .Can you think of a need or want you had re c e n t ly that we n tu n f u l filled? Did it lead to a confl i c t ?

2 . Va l u e s

S e c o n d, c o n flicts might happen because of a diffe rence invalues. Values are those beliefs that we hold dearly. Our

W h at Causes Conflicts?

3 5

values drive all of our behav i o r. Pe o p l e ’s values differ ab o u tt i m e, m o n ey, wo rk , h e a l t h , re l at i o n s h i p s , and politics. Wh ata re one or two important values you hold? Did one of yo u rvalues clash with someone else’s and thus lead to a confl i c t ?

3 . Pe r c e p t i o n s

The third source of conflicts may be diffe ring perc ep t i o n s .We all see things through diffe rent lenses that filter info rm a-tion based on our ex p e riences up until this moment in time.For ex a m p l e, in a meeting, one person may perc e ive that theagenda item the team is wo rking on is cri t i c a l , wh e re a sanother may discount it as not important. Can you think of arecent occasion when you perc e ived a wo rk pro bl e md i ffe re n t ly from someone else? Did it lead to a confl i c t ?

4 . K n ow l e d ge

As in Ja n e ’s case, the info rm ation or know l e d ge we we regive n , or not give n , m ay cause a conflict. Sometimes an indi-vidual holds a key piece of info rm ation and hoards it. Th i sfo u rth cause can be easily corrected when info rm ation isava i l able and fre e ly shared so that eve ryone is “on the samep age.” Can you think of a time when some info rm ation wa swithheld and this led to a confl i c t ?

5 . Assumptions

Based on wh at we know, we make assumptions. Ja n e ’s bossassumed she knew more than she did. He did not ch e ck out hisa s s u m p t i o n , instead he was irri t ated with her low pro d u c t iv i t y.When assumptions are not discussed or ch e cked for accura cy,t h ey will cause conflicts. When have you made an assumptionabout one of your staff members and this led to am i s u n d e rs t a n d i n g ?


3 6

6 .E x p e c t a t i o n s

The sixth cause can occur when people do not know eacho t h e r ’s ex p e c t ations. For instance, Jane expected her boss tobe more helpful and not so critical. Conflicts can occur wh e nex p e c t ations are not c l a ri fi e d. Ja n e ’s boss could have beencl e a rer about wh at he expected of her. If ex p e c t ations ares h a re d, we can try to meet each other’s ex p e c t ations better.Another pro blem can occur when ex p e c t ations are notrev i ewed peri o d i c a l ly. Th ey do ch a n ge over time. When didone of your ex p e c t ations lead to a conf l i c t ?

7 . G rowing Up Diffe re n t l y

A seventh cause of conflict is complex. Conflicts will occurbecause we all grew up diffe re n t ly. This cause can incl u d ethe results of growing up in a particular ra c e, e t h n i c, o rre l i gious group or because of our ge n d e r. Each ge n e rat i o nv i ews life and wo rk diffe re n t ly. Each of these ex p e ri e n c e sgave us specific messages about how to deal with others andwith conflicts. For instance, gi rls we re taught to be the peace-m a ke rs and boys we re encouraged to fight pro blems out. Ja n ewas taught to be defe rential to people in authori t y.

8 .Willingness and Ability to Deal with Conflicts

An underlying cause that ke eps people from re s o l v i n gc o n flicts is their willingness and ability to deal withc o n flicts. We might not know how to deal with conflicts (ourability is lacking) so we fumble around trying to solve them.On the other hand, we may know how to deal with confl i c t sbut are unwilling to do so.

Th e re are many reasons why people might be unwilling to dealwith conflict and thus they avoid confl i c t , wh e n ever possibl e.


3 7

We all can learn how to deal with conflicts through re a d i n g,t ra i n i n g, and coach i n g, but resistance to dealing withc o n flicts makes it difficult to find resolutions.

Be a Detective !

L e t ’s see wh at a good detective you are! The fo l l owing is as c e n a rio in a marketing office that includes many causes ofc o n flicts. As you read this case, m a rk the places wh e re yo ufind clues to the causes of these confl i c t s .

I t ’s Fri d ay at 4:00 P. M . Wa rre n , the marketing manage r, i sre flecting on a ve ry tough week. He’s thinking,

“ B oy, wo rking in this dep a rtment stinks! I can’t get any coop-e ration from my boss! If he wants re s u l t s , h e ’s got to cooperat eand ke ep me info rm e d. I have n ’t got a crystal ball.

“And why is it so hard for my staff to do their jobs right? Ift h ey want me to go to bat for them, t h ey must ke ep me postedand give me more cooperation. I can’t do this alone.

“I’m re a dy to look for a new job. Thank God it’s Fri d ay ! ”

L e t ’s flash back to Monday morning when Wa rren is lookingover his staff’s progress rep o rts. As he reads he thinks,

“Look at this rep o rt! It says that Jill’s team was supposed tofinish its marketing re s e a rch by today but they still are n ’t done.”

Jill is the supervisor of the re s e a rch team. Wa rren picks uphis phone and says to Jill:

“I’m pretty upset that you didn’t finish that rep o rt by today.Wh at ’s with yo u , a ny way ? ”


3 8

Jill gets defe n s ive and re s p o n d s ,

“ We l l , while you we re at your doctor’s appointment last Fri d aya f t e rn o o n , your boss stopped in and ord e red me to do a ru s hjob ahead of wh at you asked me to do. When I explained that Ihad to finish this rep o rt for you by today, he yelled at me ands a i d, ‘ You take ord e rs from me! I can’t have eve ry To m , D i ckand Jill coming in here and lousing up my sch e d u l e !’”

Wa rren accepted this ex p l a n ation but in a chance meeting inthe hallway with his boss, B i l l , Wa rren says to Bill,

“Jill and I ran into a conflict when I discove red that she hadn’tfinished a job on time today because you asked her to dosomething else.”

Bill calmly stat e d,

“ Wa rre n , the job had to get done and you we re n ’t aro u n d. Ic a n ’t talk any more about this now! I’m late for a meeting. Ju s tsee that the wo rk gets done.”

Wa rren scowls as he walks away,

“H ow in heave n ’s name can I run my dep a rtment with at t i t u d e sl i ke that ? ” he thinks.

On Tu e s d ay, Wa rren looks over his e-mail messages. Hemu t t e rs to himself,

“ B oy, h e re ’s a complaint from the boss. He stopped in earlythis morning and saw that A n dy ’s design team left their a rea ina real mess.” ( A n dy is the supervisor of the design team.)

Wa rren picks up his phone and calls A n dy.

“H ey, A n dy, we ’ve gotten a complaint from the boss about how


3 9

messy your area looked after you left last night. I think he’supset because he has a new client visiting soon.”

A n dy quick ly rep l i e d,

“Yo u ’re right boss. We we re so busy finishing that newm a rketing campaign that I’m afraid we ran out of time andd i d n ’t get a chance to clean up. We ’ll leave enough time todayto do it ri g h t .”

Wa rren was not sat i s fi e d.

“I want you do that right now! I don’t want to hear any morecomplaints from the boss.”

On We d n e s d ay morning Wa rren is re l i eved when he ch e ck shis messages; there are no more complaints from his bossabout his dep a rtment. Howeve r, A n dy ’s rep o rt showed nop rogress on the new marketing campaign, so Wa rren callsA n dy aga i n :

“H ey, A n dy, wh at did you do ye s t e rd ay . . . have a party? Yo u rrep o rt shows ve ry little was done on that campaign!”

A n dy begins to get angry.

“We l l , Wa rre n , you wanted us to clean up the area so, t h at ’swh at we did. Now yo u ’re complaining aga i n .”

“ Just get the job done ri g h t ! ” Wa rren hangs up the phone witha bang and fumes!

On Th u rs d ay morning Wa rren is ch e cking his message s .After reading the f i rst one he ex claims out loud:

“H e ’s got to be kidding! This is impossibl e ! ! ! ”

Wa rren calls A n dy again.

“H ey, A n dy, old bu ddy. I’ve got some good news and some badn ew s , and I need your help.”

A n dy suspiciously asks,

“Wh at ’s the pro blem now ? ”

“ The bad news is that the boss just let me know that we needto finish the design of the job sooner that we thought . . . infa c t , by tomorrow instead of Monday! Your people will need towo rk ove rt i m e. But the good news is that he’ll bring in pizza.”

A n dy sighs and say s ,

“Th ey are n ’t going to like this at all.”

“I know that but we have no ch o i c e,” wa rns Wa rre n .

About 3:00, Wa rren stops in to ch e ck on A n dy ’s progre s s .A n dy takes him aside and say s :

“The team is wo rking hard, but eve ryone is gru m bl i n g. Sue isgoing to miss her son’s play at school. Tom had to find s o m e o n eto pick up his kids from day c a re. Sally was miffed to have tocancel a hot date she had for tonight. Sam had to tell his wifes h e ’d have to do the gro c e ry shopping, m a ke dinner, and go tothe 6:30 PTA meeting alone. Gee, Wa rre n , c o u l d n ’t you ask theboss to reconsider that deadline?”

Wa rren did not hesitate with his answe r :

“L o o k , I’m tired of all this gri p i n g. Just tell them to get thewo rk done and I’ll bring in donuts eve ry morning next we e k .”

Wa rren thinks to himself as he walks away,

“Th ey just don’t get it. We have to do wh at the boss tells us todo. Why are they being so unre a s o n abl e ? ”


4 0


4 1

Look back at your notes and see how many of the eightcauses of this conflict you found in this story.

• Unmet needs and wa n t s

• Va l u e s

• Pe rc ep t i o n s

• K n ow l e d ge

• E x p e c t at i o n s

• G rowing up diffe re n t ly

• Willingness and ability to deal with confl i c t

N ow read this interp re t ation from another “ C o n fl i c tD e t e c t ive ” who eva l u ated the story, t o o .

On Monday morn i n g, Wa rren becomes irri t ated with his bossbecause he has not kept him info rm e d. This conflict is basedon unshared k n ow l e d ge.

When Wa rren gets irri t ated at Jill, this stems from his irri t at i o nwith his boss. Jill feels unap p re c i ated and underva l u e d, so shereacts defe n s ive ly. Her n e e d for ap p re c i ation is the cause.

Wa rre n ’s ex p e c t at i o n t h at Jill should do wh at he says confl i c t swith Bill’s ex p e c t ations of Jill. Bill automat i c a l ly expected Jillto do something for him without ch e cking out the other taskson her immediate to-do list. Bill could have talked with Jill andWa rren to re - p ri o ri t i ze Jill’s wo rk for the coming we e k .

Bill did not have the big picture of wh at wo rk was slated fo rat t e n t i o n , nor did he ask. Jill had this i n fo rm at i o n but chose toke ep quiet. Jill’s passivity may have come from messages shel e a rned as a gi rl growing up. Bill’s dominant behavior andk n ow-it-all attitude could also come from messages he learn e d


4 2

about being a man. This conflict stems from their growing upd i ffe re n t ly.

Jill assumed that Bill’s wo rd was more important thanWa rre n ’s. She never tested this a s s u m p t i o n.

When Wa rren runs into Bill and Bill brushes him off, I cano n ly guess that Wa rren has not felt ap p re c i ated by his boss.This cause is another unmet need or wa n t.

When Wa rren does not feel va l u e d, he pro b ably is not in anymood to ap p re c i ate the others ’ wo rk , so he tells his team tostop complaining.

When Wa rren calls A n dy again about the delayed rep o rt ,p ro b ably Wa rren perc e ived that A n dy ’s team was g o o fing off.A c t u a l ly they we re doing wh at Wa rren expected them to do . .. clean up! So this conflict was caused by unch e cked p e rc ep-tions and ex p e c t at i o n s.

When Wa rren announces to his team there is an even earl i e rd e a d l i n e, this causes a conflict with the team members ’ va l u e s.Two people had fa m i ly responsibilities and another hasp e rsonal social plans, wh e reas Wa rren valued meeting adeadline for a cl i e n t .

In the end, when Wa rren gets disgusted and walks away, he isd e m o n s t rating another lesson he learned in ch i l d h o o d.Wa rre n ’s short temper came from his childhood when hisfather was always spouting off without listening to his wife orch i l d ren. In adulthood,Wa rren continued this behavior and noone ch a l l e n ged him on this style. This is the only way hek n ows how to react when he does not get his way. He cl e a rlyl a cks the ability to deal with confl i c t !


4 3

In fa c t , we don’t know enough to determine if anyone in thiss i t u ation ever learned how to commu n i c ate cl e a rly, t on ego t i at e, or how to act as a team. If they had ever read ab o u tc o n flict or learned these skills in some wo rk s h o p , it does nots h ow. No one used the skills when they we re most needed!

L e t ’s Dig Deeper into These Causes!

Th e re is more to learn about each of these eight causes ofc o n flicts. Ke ep some of your conflicts in mind as you rev i ewthe fo l l ow i n g.

Cause # 1—Needs and Wants are Unmet

Remember that unmet needs and wants can cause conflicts aswell as when we are phy s i c a l ly unwe l l , t i re d, h u n gry, a n dove rs t re s s e d. Th ey happen when people’s basic needs fo rre c og n i t i o n , a ffe c t i o n , and affi l i ation are not met.

One way to get cl e a rer about wh i ch want or need is the basisof the conflict is to think back over the past week and re c a l ltimes when some of your needs we re not met. For ex a m p l e,p e r h aps you had one of the fo l l owing happen to yo u :

• You we re so hungry you snapped at your assistant.

• You we re stressed out after a bad day at the offi c e, so yo ufailed to pay attention to your spouse, who then nagged at you.

• Your colleagues consistently ignored your suggestions inthe we e k ly meeting. When someone else made the sames u gge s t i o n , it was adopted.

• You fought an internal battle over your need to lose we i g h tand your desire to eat the piece of cake.


4 4

S t a rt today to become more awa re of your unmet needs andwants. Try to obtain wh at you need immediat e ly, e s p e c i a l ly ifit is fo o d, a bre a k , exe rc i s e, or sleep and you will avoid somef u t u re conflicts. Pay attention to wh at else you wa n t , and askfor wh at it is. Ask for fe e d b a ck. Ask for people to give yo uu n d ivided attention. Ask for some days off. Wh at you don’task do, you wo n ’t ge t !

Cause # 2—Values A re in Conflict

C o n flicts often occur because of a diffe rence in values. Yo ucan avoid many conflicts if you are clear on your values andthose held by others .

Values are those beliefs that you hold so stro n g ly that theyf rame your wo rds and behav i o rs. For instance, Ju a n i t a ’ss t rong belief in providing a good early childhood ex p e ri e n c ep rompted her to chair a company committee on starting anonsite child care center. She put her values into action.

A belief becomes a value when you are totally comfo rt abl etelling anyone about it. For instance, M i chael va l u e seve ryo n e ’s contri butions. When a staff member interru p t sanother person and cuts their idea dow n , M i ch a e li m m e d i at e ly speaks up and reminds his staff that eve ry ideahas va l u e. He even does the same when he hears colleag u e sdiscount ideas proposed in his management council. As aresult of speaking out, o t h e rs also have the courage to fo l l owhis example and tell others about their va l u e s .

A value is held so stro n g ly that you would be willing tod e fend it. Mary values fa i rness and due process. When herboss went around her to promote one of her staff members ,she wrote him a memo stating the importance of fo l l ow i n gthe orga n i z at i o n ’s pro c e d u res for promotions. She also told


4 5

him that this action smacked of favo ritism. He rescinded hisd e c i s i o n .

Values are fo rmed early in life, p ro b ably by the age of ten.U s u a l ly we adopt the values of our pare n t s , ch u rch leaders ,and teach e rs. Once ingra i n e d, values are hard to ch a n ge.H oweve r, when we become young adults, our ch i l d h o o dvalues do get ch a l l e n ge d. Diffe rent values than those held byour parents are often adopted. Later in life we often willre t u rn to earlier held values. So although values are deep lyi n gra i n e d, t h ey can and do ch a n ge.

We always carry our values to wo rk. Th e re we will find thato t h e rs ’ values may differ from ours about time, use ofm o n ey and other re s o u rc e s , wo rk hab i t s , l e a rning andgrow i n g, h e a l t h , re l at i o n s h i p s , re l i gi o n , and politics. Befo rewe can respect other’s va l u e s , we need to cl a rify our ow n .

Ta ke a little time to cl a rify some of your values. W rite outsome of your values. Try to think of values from both yo u rp e rsonal and pro fessional lives. For ex a m p l e :

“I value pro m p t n e s s .”“I value my time with my fa m i ly.”“I value all ideas because they contri bute to the best solutions.”“I value dive rs i t y.”

Star any of your values that we re in conflict with someoneelse re c e n t ly.

For instance, Leslie values her fa m i ly. She believes in wo rk i n gh a rd while at wo rk but does not want to impinge on her timewith her fa m i ly by wo rking ex t ra hours. On the other hand,h e rboss is a wo rkaholic and expects eve ryone to wo rk ove rt i m ewhen he demands it. This is a conflict in va l u e s .


4 6

One way to avoid conflicts from occurring is to take time tol e a rn about others ’c o re values. Once you are clear on yo u rva l u e s , t a ke time in a staff meeting for each person to stat etheir values. Be accepting of wh at ever people say is of vitali m p o rtance to them.

You could go a step further and look for values that are heldin common by all of the staff. This list of core values is alsothe fo u n d ation of your vision and mission.

H e re is wh at one manage r, M a ri ly n , c re ated with her staff.Th ey identified the values they shared in common, and thenlisted the beliefs they we re based on. Th ey went one stepf u rther and listed how they could put the values and beliefsinto pra c t i c e.

Cause # 3—Pe r c e p t i o n s

We filter all info rm ation through our own personal lens orp e rc eptions.

H e re ’s a quick test to try when you attend a meeting in ad i ffe rent room than usually used. During the coffee bre a k ,ask each person you are standing with wh at their fi rst i m p ressions we re of the meeting space and who they fi rs ts aw enter the room.

E ve ryone will have perc e ived something diffe rent. Someonenoticed who is we a ring clothing of their favo rite color.Another noticed how crowded this space seems. Most like lyone person only saw wh at food was laid out.

Having different perceptions is normal. This works fine unlessthere is a conflict in perceptions. For example, a commonmisperception in meetings happens when the leader throws


4 7

out an issue for discussion and seeks others’ideas for solvingthe problem. At least half of the people will think that theleader plans to act on their suggestions when this may not beher intent at all. These individuals will enthusiastically offerideas only to discover that their leader only intends to gatherothers’ideas but that she will make the final decision. Thisleaves these staff members frustrated and even angry.

A key to avoiding conflicts from developing is to take time toch e ck out your perc eptions with others befo re pro c e e d i n g. Inthe ab ove case, the leader can avoid misperc eptions in her

C o re Va l u e s Based on Beliefs Put into Practice

D i ve rs i t y E ve ry person We solicit and honorhas wo rt h . e ve ry pers o n ’s ideas

and skills.

I n t e g ri t y We believe in We do what is ri g h t —honesty and tru t h . e ve ry time.

Shared Resources are We share our resourcesR e s o u r c e s there to share. as well as ask for

what we need.

O p t i o n s There are alw ays A l t e rn a t i ve options areoptions av a i l a bl e, some a lw ays considered.better than others .

Social We live together in We build coalitions andR e s p o n s i b i l i t y this wo rld and must p a rt n e rs h i p s .

wo rk together to m a ke it better.

C o n t i nuous L e a rning is a We look for eve ryL e a rn i n g l i fetime effo rt . o p p o rtunity to learn .


meetings by announcing who will be making the decision fo re a ch agenda item.

Cause # 4—Know l e d ge and Info r m a t i o n

We do not have a pro blem when eve ryone has equal access tothe same info rm ation or know l e d ge. Howeve r, in the re a lwo rld info rm ation is never equally known or share d.

Some info rm ation is hoarded on purp o s e. Roland accepted ac ro s s - c o u n t ry job. He sold his home at a loss and gave awaym a ny possessions to lighten the moving load. After twom o n t h s , he and seve ral others we re laid off. He was fur i o u s .Why didn’t they let him know the extent of the company ’sfinancial tro u bles? He had left a secure situation only to puthis fa m i ly in jeopardy! His boss tried to suga rc o at the re a s o nfor withholding this info rm at i o n , but the fact is that this actc re ated a serious confl i c t .

One way to prevent conflicts is to eva l u ate wh at each pers o nk n ows. Here are four cat ego ri e s :

1. I n fo rm ation that others know and you don’t know c a ncause conflicts. This is w h at happened to Roland. No onel i kes surp rises. A conflict can occur when a staff members u dd e n ly announces something that affects you. Fo ri n s t a n c e, S a l ly had a serious conflict with a customer bu tshe did not tell her manager because she was embarra s s e d.U n fo rt u n at e ly the manager got a call from the customerand he was caught entire ly off guard.

2. I n fo rm ation you know but ke ep from others can cause ac o n flict. Rich was info rmed by his manager that there we regoing to be some bu d get cuts. Somehow, some info rm at i o nl e a ke d, and ru m o rs started fly i n g. Rich kept denying therewe re going to be cuts. Later the truth came out, and Rich ’si n t egrity was questioned.

4 8


4 9

E va l u ate if you are holding back on info rm ation. Why yo ua re ke eping info rm ation from your staff? Proceed to sharewh at you can lega l ly and safe ly share. It is best to share asmu ch as possibl e, as soon as possib l e.

3. G e n e ral know l e d ge is wh at eve ryone know s. This cat ego rywill not cause conflicts for you. We can help preve n tc o n flicts by increasing the amount of know l e d ge we sharewith one another. Then eve ryone has wh at they need to ge ttheir wo rk done.

Set the example by sharing eve rything you can. (Of cours e,this must meet some cr i t e ria of wh at is ap p ro p ri at e.) Builda cl i m ate of trust so others will want to share info rm at i o nf re e ly with yo u , t o o .

4. The last cat ego ry is i n fo rm ation that remains hidden fro meve ryo n e. Th e re is no sense wo rrying about this kind ofk n ow l e d ge. When it is revealed is when you will deal with it.

Cause # 5—Assumptions

Assumptions are the conclusions we draw from the info rm a-tion we have at hand. If these assumptions are not discussedor ch e cked for accura cy, t h ey will cause conflicts.

For instance, Te rry read on a meeting notice there would be“light re f re s h m e n t s .” Because the meeting started at 5:15, h eassumed these re f reshments would satisfy his hunge r. Ona rriva l , he found the emphasis was on “ l i g h t ” . . . bare lyenough food to feed a mouse! This cre ated a conflict fo rTe rry because he resented this misrep re s e n t ation. He was soh u n gry he could not concentrate ve ry we l l .

The next time a meeting notice adve rtised “light re f re s h m e n t s ”Te rry picked up a bu rger on the way. Howeve r, at the nex t


5 0

meeting he discove red there we re large pizzas and he was noth u n gry! He has since learned to ch e ck out his assumptions!

Cause # 6—ExpectationsThe sixth cause can occur when people do not know eacho t h e r ’s ex p e c t ations. We all nat u ra l ly hold ex p e c t ations fo ro u rs e l ves and others.

A rn manages seve ral people in their twenties. He expects allof his staff members to dress pro fe s s i o n a l ly. His ex p e c t at i o nfalls short on his Generation Xers who do not want to we a rsuits and ties. Th ey also expect that their employer shouldnot impinge on their personal style of dre s s .

C o n flicts can occur when we do not cl a rify ex p e c t at i o n swhen we start a new re l ationship. A rn failed to cl a rify thed ress standard during interv i ews with his yo u n ger staffm e m b e rs. He also ignored their fl agrant disrega rd of thed ress during their f i rst few weeks on the job. Th e re fo re, t h e s eyoung people did not r e a l i ze a conflict was brew i n g.

C o n flicts also occur when we fo rget to rev i ew ourex p e c t ations peri o d i c a l ly. Charl o t t e ’s team care f u l ly cra f t e dsome guidelines on how they would wo rk toge t h e r. Howeve r,t h ey neglected to rev i ew them. Six months, then twe l vemonths went by. Two new people we re on the team and ye tthe guidelines gat h e red dust. When her team started to havem o re confl i c t s , she wo n d e red how this hap p e n e d. Then shere m e m b e red the guidelines. If she had kept them in thefo re f ront of all of their meetings and if she had taken timewith the team to rev i ew them eve ry few months, t h e s ec o n flicts pro b ably would not have grow n .

Once we share our ex p e c t at i o n s , we can better meet eacho t h e r ’s ex p e c t at i o n s .


5 1

H e re is an exe rcise to cl a rify your ex p e c t ations. Fi rst start bylisting on the graphic an ex p e c t ation that you t h i n k e a ch ofthe fo l l owing people has of yo u :

• Your immediate boss • E a ch of your staff members

• Your assistant • One of your colleag u e s

N a m e : _ _ _ _ _ _

1 .

2 .

3

N a m e : _ _ _ _ _ _

1 .

2 .

3

N a m e : _ _ _ _ _ _

1 .

2 .

3 N a m e : _ _ _ _ _ _

1 .

2 .

3

N a m e : _ _ _ _ _ _

1 .

2 .

3

N a m e : _ _ _ _ _ _

1 .

2 .

3

N a m e : _ _ _ _ _ _

1 .

2 .

3

N a m e : _ _ _ _ _ _

1 .

2 .

3


5 2

R e - read these ex p e c t ations and star those that you willinglyand easily can meet. For instance, your boss may expect yo uto behave with integri t y, and you have no pro blem with doingthis. One of your staff members expects you to info rm herwhen she is not up to your standards working with customers,and this is fine with yo u .

With the remaining ex p e c t ations on your list, note any thata re especially difficult for you to meet. Code them with a“ D.” For instance, one of your colleagues expects you to goout drinking eve ry Fri d ay. You have ch i l d ren at home and aspouse who expects you there.

N ex t , you go to each person on your list and see if wh at yo uthink they expect of you is wh at they actually expect. Yo um ay be surp rised when you ask. As you discuss these ex p e c-t at i o n s , you can also be honest about those that are diffi c u l tfor you to meet. Pe r h aps you can re-align the ex p e c t at i o n s .

N ex t , w rite down some ex p e c t ations you have of yo u rs e l f.Then code each one as ab ove; a star for those ex p e c t at i o n syou can meet for yo u rself and a “ D ” for those that are toohigh. Re-nego t i ate your own ex p e c t ations.

When Lee did this he re a l i zed that he has ve ry high ex p e c t a-tions of himself. He thinks he should always be at the beckand call of all his staff members when they want him to be,so he has an open door policy. This causes a conflict becausehe never has bl o cks of time to do his wo rk. The interru p t i o n sa re too disru p t ive.

Lisa discove red she expects her rep o rts to be perfe c t lyw ritten befo re handing them over to her assistant. This made


5 3

the job easier for the assistant, but Lisa was always behind inher wo rk. She decided to lower her standards for perfe c t i o nand let her assistant take her dra f t s , m a ke the corre c t i o n s , a n ddo the fo rm at t i n g.

This exe rcise can be done with your staff as well. Be suret h at eve ryone lists their ex p e c t ations privat e ly fi rst. Th e nfo l l ow up with a discussion of ex p e c t ations each pers o nholds of others in the group. Help people re - n ego t i ate anyex p e c t ations coded with a “ D.”

Another excellent activity to do with your staff is identify theguidelines on how you will all wo rk toge t h e r. (This is wh atC h a rl o t t e ’s team does.) The goal of this list is to identify ina dvance wh at you all can expect of one another. You can startyour discussion with the sample list on page 54. Be sure todelete any that do not pertain and add any that are not incl u d e d.

Once you complete your list of guidelines, h ave each pers o nsign on the bottom lines. Ke ep the guidelines handy. Drawattention to any item when it is violat e d, because this ke ep sc o n flicts from escalat i n g. Eve ry four to six months, rev i ewyour ex p e c t at i o n s .

Cause # 7—Growing Up Diffe re n t l y

We all grew up diffe re n t ly based on our ra c e, e t h n i c i t y,ge n d e r, and even our age. We get into conflicts with oneanother if we come from diffe rent wo rlds. When we do notm a ke the effo rt to learn about our diffe re n c e s , we will misun-d e rstand our actions, j u d ge, and cre ate distance between us.

C u l t u ral and racial diffe rences causes conflicts when we donot respect them. For ex a m p l e, s e rious misunders t a n d i n g s


5 4

Team Guidelines

• We will be as open as possible with one another.

• We will respect diffe rences of opinion.We wo n ’tdiscount others’ ideas.

• We will be support i ve rather than judgmental.

• We will give feedback dire c t ly and openly, it will be give nin a timely fashion, and we will provide information thatis specific and focuses on the task and process and noton personalities.

• Because we all have re s o u rces to offer (our experiences,e d u c a t i o n , and training), we will tell others what we cano f fer and will contribute fre e ly.

• We will use our time we l l ,s t a rting meetings on time andending our meetings pro m p t ly.

• We will keep our focus on our goals and avo i ds i d e t r a c k i n g

• We will keep conflicts from emerging by acknow l e d g i n gp ro b l e m s ,a dd ressing them square ly but fairly, a n dhelping each other avoid conflicts.

Team Signature s

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –


5 5

occur when white and A f ri c a n - A m e rican people do not makethe effo rt to learn about their diffe rences. We s t e rn bu s i n e s speople quick ly cre ate a conflict when they do not know howAsian business people conduct business.

Men and women constantly misunderstand one another atwo rk. A man who thinks it is ge n t l e m a n ly to hold the doorfor a woman might be scolded by her because she wants tobe viewed as stro n g. A woman who states her positionsb o l d ly and assert ive ly might be viewed by men as aggre s s ive.

P ro blems between ge n e rations are also the source fo rc o n flicts. Each ge n e ration ex p e rienced life diffe re n t ly ;t h e re fo re, t h ey hold diffe rent values. The older employe eb e l i eves in loyalty to the company at all costs, wh e reas theyo u n ger ge n e ration thinks nothing of jumping ship often.

Neither is right or wrong . . . just diffe re n t .

Identify some cultural diff e rences between you and some ofyour staff members or colleagues. Identify some diffe re n c e sb e t ween you and a person of the other ge n d e r. Have any ofthese diffe rences caused conflicts for yo u ?

E a ch of these ra c i a l , e t h n i c,ge n d e r,and ge n e rational ex p e ri e n c e sgave us specific messages about how to deal with conflicts.

M a ny gi rls we re taught to be the peacemake rs. Th e re fo re, awoman may automat i c a l ly try to smooth over a conf l i c t .B oys we re encouraged to fight pro blems out, t h e re fo re, a smen they may willingly jump in the fray.

Wh at racial or cultural messages did you learn about dealingwith conflict?


5 6

The key here is to re c og n i ze the messages we we re given aswe grew up. Wh at we re you told about conflict? Recall howyour parents handled you and your siblings when you we refi g h t i n g. Did your re l i gion have anything to say ab o u tresolving conflicts? Can you remember any teach e rs wh otaught you how to handle conflicts with your peers ?

The second key is to learn wh at others on your staff or teaml e a rned about conflict and to accept this. This sharing bu i l d su n d e rstanding and tru s t .

Cause # 8—Willingness and Ability to Deal with Conflicts

An underlying cause that ke eps people from re s o l v i n gc o n flicts is their willingness and ability to deal with confl i c t s .

We might not have the skills to know how to deal withc o n flicts. In fa c t , too few of us ever had a class in dealing withc o n flicts and interp e rsonal pro blems. Usually we learned onthe play gro u n d, in high school halls, and later on the job.

In add i t i o n , we learned by example as we wat ched how theadults in our lives handled conflicts. Unfo rt u n at e ly some ofthese adults we re inap p ro p ri ate models for us to f o l l ow ina d u l t h o o d.

For ex a m p l e, if you grew up in a dysfunctional fa m i ly, o n efilled with emotional or physical confl i c t s , you pro b ably arean avoider of conflicts today. You learned as a child thatt h e re was never a resolution to dad’s drinking or mom’sc o l d n e s s , so as an adult you give up easily, hoping the c o n flict will go away.


5 7

We may know how to deal with conflicts but are unwilling tot ry. Pe r h aps you are wo rn out from facing too many confl i c t sat home, so you want a rep ri eve from wo rk conflicts. Pe r h ap syou have more important things to deal with and just wishthe conflict would go away. Pe r h aps those childhood ex p e ri-ences with conflict left you with a bad taste in your mouth.

C o n flicts are norm a l , and you must learn how to deal withthem. You need to model a comfo rt level with dealing withc o n flicts. If you are a serious avo i d e r, a therapist would beex t re m e ly helpful in ove rcoming this limitation. Be pat i e n twith yo u rs e l f, reminding yo u rself that this will take time.

Some of your staff members will be avo i d e rs , too. You knowthe signs if you are an avo i d e r. Talk privat e ly with these indi-viduals. Listen to their concerns about facing confl i c t s .C h a l l e n ge them ge n t ly. A s k , “ H ow can I help yo u ? ”

I n c rease eve ryo n e ’s ability to deal with conflict. Ask yo u rt raining dep a rtment to schedule a wo rkshop on conflict inyour orga n i z ation. Use time each week when your staff meetsto try out one more idea from this book,

I m p roving your ability and motive to deal with confl i c t st a kes time. Be persistent and patient. Tra ck progre s s .C e l eb rate successes at dealing with confl i c t .

Use your detective skills!

You have learned about eight possible causes of confl i c t s .Some conflicts will be caused by one, o t h e rs will be causedby seve ral.


5 8

Use the fo l l owing list as a ch e cklist so the next time you arec o n f ronting a confl i c t , you can ask yo u rs e l f, Is this confl i c tcaused by . . .

_____ some unmet need or wa n t ?

_____ a diffe rence in va l u e s ?

_____ a diffe rence in perc ep t i o n s ?

_____ a diffe rence in know l e d ge ?

_____ a diffe rence in ex p e c t at i o n s ?

_____ a diffe rence in growing up diffe re n t ly ?

_____ my willingness or ability to deal with confl i c t ?

Some conflicts can be prevented entire ly and otherscan be nipped in the bu d. Just think of how mu ch energy ande ffo rt you would save if you could reduce the number ofc o n flicts you have to deal with at wo rk. Why expose yo u rs e l fto more stress than necessary when you can ke ep manyc o n flicts from happening at all and other conflicts fro mgetting out of hand? A l s o , yo u ’ll save your staff’s time, t o o ,if you ap p ly some of these ideas.

Use What You Know about Your Conflicts

Th roughout this book, you have been learning about thec o n flicts you have at wo rk , h ow you re a c t , and wh at causesc o n flicts. Many of these ideas and activities will help yo uand your staff prevent conflicts from developing or at leastf rom escalat i n g. Let’s rev i ew some.

In Chapter 2, you identified the kinds of conflicts you have.You looked for pat t e rns. From this you should now knowwhen and wh e re and with whom you often have conflicts. Ifyou have asked staff people to log their confl i c t s , t h ey willalso know their pat t e rn s .

5 9

You Can Prevent Some Conflicts!

5


6 0

For instance, if you have conflicts when you are tire d,ove rs t re s s e d, or even on certain days of the week or month,you can be ex t ra careful at those times. Prevent conflicts bymaking the commitment to delay dealing with a confl i c twhen you are most vulnerabl e. Postpone discussions about ac o n flict issue until a better time can be found for all invo l ve d.

Wh at did you find out about wh e re you have conflicts? A ret h ey mostly at wo rk and less so at home, or vice ve rsa? Wh atis it about the wo rk or home situation that cre ates conflicts?

M aybe you are having a lot of wo rk conflicts because you ared i s s at i s fied with your job. Pe r h aps the pro blems with yo u rspouse have fe s t e red too long and now the conflicts are moref requent and mu ch more serious.

With whom do you have conflicts? Admit it, we all havesome people with whom we just do not get along. Can yo uavoid these people? If so, stop as mu ch contact as possibl e.Try to wo rk with people whom you trust and respect and yo uwill prevent some confl i c t s .

If you must wo rk with someone you do not like or do notre s p e c t , go the ex t ra mile to make the effo rt to unders t a n dthem better. Go someplace away from wo rk , p e r h aps ove rb re a k fa s t , and aim to get better acquainted on a pers o n a ll evel. Do not talk about wo rk. Instead talk about yo u rgrowing up ex p e ri e n c e s , s chools yo u ’ve gone to, wh at yo u rch i l d ren are like, and how you each spend your leisure time.You will pro b ably find this person a little less difficult afteryou know more about his or her back ground and values. Th i salone will ke ep some conflicts from deve l o p i n g.


6 1

Use What You Know about How You React to Conflicts

In Chapter 3, you rev i ewed all the diffe rent ways people re a c twhen they are in a conflict. You found that some re a c t i o n swe re pro d u c t ive and some we re n ’t. You can prevent somec o n flicts from escalating if you understand and monitor yo u rre a c t i o n s .

For instance, if you automat i c a l ly react emotionally or defe n-s ive ly, come out fi g h t i n g, or get angry, you can wo rk toch a n ge these reactions. Gra n t e d, it wo n ’t be easy, but you canm a ke these ch a n ges. One technique to use is to just stopb e fo re you react. When you feel the strong emotions ri s i n g,s t o p , t a ke a deep bre at h , s m i l e, get up and walk aro u n d, goget some coffee . . . do anything you can phy s i c a l ly, b e fo reyou speak again. This will slow down your re a c t i o n .

Another technique is to not react until you fi rst ask somep robing questions of the person you are having the confl i c twith. A s k , “ Wh at ’s re a l ly happening here ? ” “Can you giveme an ex a m p l e ? ” When you ask for more info rm at i o n , yo ugain understanding about the causes of the conflict a n d yo us l ow down your re a c t i o n .

As a manage r, once you understand and control some of yo u rre a c t i o n s , you will be in a better position to help some ofyour staff who need to do the same. Just curbing stro n greactions to conflicts can ke ep many conflicts from ge t t i n gout of hand.


6 2

Use What You Know about the Causes of Conflict

C h apter 4 cove red eight cat ego ries of causes behindc o n flicts. Th rough understanding each of the causes, you canp revent some conflicts from starting or grow i n g.

Fi rs t , m a ke the effo rt to always stay in touch with your needsand wants. It you are conscious of them, you can seek way sto meet them. If you ignore these needs and wa n t s , t h ey don’tgo away. Instead you will find them getting them meti n d i re c t ly or in inap p ro p ri ate way s .

For instance, if you know about your need for ap p rova l , yo ucan seek fe e d b a ck more fre q u e n t ly from others so they cangive you the wo rds you need to hear. If you know about yo u rneed for food on a regular basis, you can accommodate thatneed and always have healthy snack food in your deskd rawer or carry a small snack bag in the car.

S e c o n d, cl a rify your values and let others know wh at isi m p o rtant to you. Ta ke time to ask others to share their corevalues. A gree to respect each other’s values. This know l e d geand acceptance will prevent many conflicts from eve rh ap p e n i n g.

For instance, if you value promptness and you do not leto t h e rs know about this standard, you will have a conflict withpeople who are ch ro n i c a l ly lat e. If you talk with the lat e c o m-e rs , you may gain understanding about wh at is happening intheir lives and wh at they va l u e. From this joint unders t a n d i n g,you should be able to iron out a compromise and preve n tf u t u re confl i c t s .


6 3

Th i rd, when a conflict emerge s , c o m p a re your perc ep t i o n swith wh o m ever else is invo l ve d. You may discover that thisc o n flict is re a l ly not that seri o u s , just a misperc eption. Oncethis is calmly cl e a red up, the conflict will disap p e a r.

Fo u rt h , open up your commu n i c ations to obtain usefulk n ow l e d ge or info rm ation. The goal is to increase the amountof info rm ation both of you know rather than ke eping it hidd e n .This technique will ke ep some conflicts from escalat i n g.

Fi f t h , when a conflict emerge s , ch e ck your assumptions. Yo um ay discover that this conflict is re a l ly based on the way yo ud rew assumptions from wh at just hap p e n e d. Once this isc a l m ly cl e a red up, the conflict will disap p e a r.

S i x t h , t a ke time to cl a rify and share your ex p e c t ations withone another, whether it is between you and a direct rep o rt oramong team members. Remember that the initial cl a ri fi c at i o nis only the begi n n i n g. When people fo rget or neglect torev i ew these ex p e c t at i o n s , c o n flict will occur. Howeve r, i fyou schedule time to rev i ew them peri o d i c a l ly, you willp revent some conflicts from getting start e d.

S eve n t h , remember that the powerful messages you go tgrowing up do not have to drive your adult life. Be selective.R ev i ew your childhood messages and choose those that arestill ap p ro p ri ate for the present. Consciously discard theo t h e rs .

E i g h t h , the fact that you are reading this book indicates thatyou are willing to learn more about how to deal withc o n flicts. Use this new know l e d ge and ap p ly it in yo u reve ry d ay wo rk. With time, you will see your comfo rt leve l


6 4

about conflicts ri s i n g. You will notice there are fewe rc o n flicts with wh i ch to deal. Of cours e, those around yo ub e n e fit because you are modeling behav i o rs that others cane mu l at e.

Hold a Conflict Trash Cere m o ny

Sometimes it helps to diffuse some of the anxiety ove rs t ressful pro blems with some humor. You can do the Confl i c tTrash Cere m o ny alone in your offi c e. Or you can do it withyour staff, e s p e c i a l ly if they have been learning toge t h e rabout conflict.

This cere m o ny wo rks well with those less serious confl i c t s .The idea behind this cere m o ny is to discard the smallc o n fl i c t s , the small hurt s , the small disap p o i n t m e n t s , and thesmall stresses . . . to let them go .

H e re is how you would do it with others.

Fi rs t , for one we e k , eve ryone re c o rds their conflicts on smallpieces of pap e r.

Then when the group gets toge t h e r, e a ch individual looksover their slips and sorts them into three piles.

1 . C o n flicts that can easily be discarded because they arere a l ly not that import a n t

2 . C o n flicts that a re q u i re minimal effo rt to re s o l ve

3 . M o re serious confl i c t s

Set up a cere m o ny with a trash can. The group stands aro u n dit with the slips of paper from the fi rst pile of confl i c t s , t h o s e


6 5

t h at are minor. One person takes one paper at a time,c ru m bles it up, and throws it in the can. If they wish, t h eycan say wh at they want about the conflicts they are throw i n gaway. This continues until eve ryone has thrown away theirminor confl i c t s .

This cere m o ny should provide some r e l i e f. It will alsod i s s i p ate some of the emotions that always coexist withc o n flicts and perhaps ke ep them from escalat i n g.

If your staff wo rks well toge t h e r, t h ey could use theirp ro blem-solving skills to help each other re s o l ve the morei m p o rtant conflicts. A dditional techniques for re s o l v i n gc o n flicts are found in the next ch ap t e r.

You may be like so many other people and think thatyou can jump immediat e ly to this ch apter on re s o l v i n gc o n flicts. If you did skip the earlier ch ap t e rs , go back andread them. The earlier ch ap t e rs will help you understand thekinds of conflicts you norm a l ly have, h ow you react tot h e m , and rev i ew eight causes of conflicts. If you skip thisi n fo rm at i o n , you are doing yo u rself a disservice and arelimiting your know l e d ge about how to deal with yo u rc o n flicts.

Once you have read the previous ch ap t e rs , you are re a dy tolook at more ways to re s o l ve your conflicts. You have learn e dm a ny ways to ke ep some conflicts from even starting andh ow some of those techniques ke ep other conflicts from esca-l at i n g. We will not rep e at those ideas here, but do not fo rge tto peri o d i c a l ly rev i ew wh at you learned about your confl i c tp at t e rn s , h ow you react to confl i c t s , and the causes ofc o n flicts. All of these ideas help to re s o l ve conflicts moree ffi c i e n t ly, e ffe c t ive ly, and fa i rly. Let’s look deeper into way syou can re s o l ve your confl i c t s .

6 7

M o re Ways to ResolveYour Conflicts

6


6 8

W h at Will Help You to Resolve This Conflict?

The fo l l owing method, the Fo rce Field A n a ly s i s , is usefulonce you identify you want to re s o l ve a particular confl i c t .This technique helps you analy ze the fo rces that are wo rk i n gagainst and wo rking for its resolution. Fo rces can incl u d ep s y ch o l ogi c a l , i n t e rp e rs o n a l , o rga n i z at i o n a l , and societalfa c t o rs.

Another way of understanding how the Fo rce Field A n a ly s i smethod wo rks is to think about the fo rces both helping andh i n d e ring the fl ow of a mountain creek. Fo rces that helpi n c rease the fl ow would be grav i t y, l a ck of dams or boulders ,and a narrow channel. Fo rces that would hinder the fl owwould be the presence of dams, b o u l d e rs , and vege t at i o n ,also a ve ry wide channel. Once we know wh at is ke eping thewater from fl owing fa s t , we can wo rk to eliminate the impediments.

You can use the same process for analyzing your chances ofh aving a successful conflict resolution. The fo l l owing is ad e s c ription on how to use this Fo rce Field method; anexample is prov i d e d. You may want to read both parts befo ret rying out this activ i t y.

M o re Ways to Resolve Your Conflicts

6 9

Fo rce Field A n a ly s i s

Step 1 Ta ke a piece of pap e r. At the top write the conflict you want tore s o l ve. Draw a line down the middle of the pap e r. On the left, w ri t eD riving Fo rc e s , and on the other side, w rite R e s t raining Fo rc e s.

Conflict I Want to Resolve ___________________

Driving Fo rc e s Restraining Fo rc e swill help ensure a re s o l u t i o n . will make it difficult to re s o l ve.

Step 2 In the left column, list all the driving fo rces that will help yo ure a ch a resolution. The list of fo rces should include psych o l ogi c a l ,i n t e rp e rs o n a l ,o rga n i z at i o n a l , and societal fa c t o rs .Step 3 In the right column, list all the fo rces that will ke ep yo uf rom re a ching a resolution. The list of fo rces should include psych o-l ogi c a l , i n t e rp e rs o n a l , o rga n i z at i o n a l , and societal fa c t o rs. Step 4 Rank the re s t raining fo rces as to wh i ch are the stro n ge s tand thus most difficult to ch a n ge. The goal is to fi rst reduce thosefo rces that have the least resistance or are the easiest to re s o l ve.Step 5 Also rank the driving fo rces as to their strength. The go a lis to cap i t a l i ze on those that will get the gre atest ch a n ges intomotion f i rs t .


7 0

For ex a m p l e, R a n dy ’s marri age is in tro u ble part ly because heis wo rking too many hours each week. He needs to wo rkove rtime because he lost two key staff members and thedeadlines still need to be met. Here is his Fo rce Field A n a ly s i s :

Driving Fo rces Will Restraining Fo rces Make Help Resolution Resolution Difficult

I do not believe in divo r c e. My company ’s climate is oneThe children will suffe r. in which the majority of people

wo rk long hours .

My wife and I are both The company is growing sowilling to get counseling. fast that the staff cannot keep

up with the deadlines.

We are curr e n t ly wo rking on My boss lives for his wo rkfilling the two job vacancies. and not his family.

I have been developing my m a rke t a ble skills in case I need to leave this job.

I fear I will become ill or e ven die early if I do not get control of my hours . My father died at 55 so I am motivated to do something about this probl e m .

My conflict is that my marriage is in tro u ble due to too much wo r k .


7 1

N ext Randy looked over those va ri ables that would re s t ri c tthe chances of finding a successful resolution. He ra n ke dthem and then thought about how the power of each onecould be mitigat e d. Here is wh at he thinks:

# 1 My boss lives for his wo rk and not his fa m i ly. This is theo n ly re s t raining fo rce I can more easily influence eve nthough he is a wo rk a h o l i c. My manager knows that I doexcellent wo rk; he does not want to lose me. I can ap p e a lto him by explaining how he would benefit if he helps meget control of my hours .

# 2 The company is growing so fast that the staff cannot ke epup to all the deadlines. I have some control over thisva ri able because I am active ly invo l ved in re c ruiting thereplacements. If I devote considerable energy here, I willget relief soon.

# 3 The company cl i m ate is one in wh i ch the majority ofpeople wo rk long hours. I knew when I joined thec o m p a ny it was a group of hard - wo rking people. Eve nthough I will stand out as diffe rent from the re s t , with mym a n age r ’s help, I can ch a n ge this norm for me.

N ext Randy looked over those va ri ables that would incre a s ethe chances of finding a successful resolution. He ra n ke dthem and then thought about how he could cap i t a l i ze on e a ch one.

# 1 My wife and I are both willing to get counseling. This issomething we can do immediat e ly to help us adjust as It ry to gain control over my wo rk.

# 2 I do not believe in divo rc e. A l s o , I fear I will become illor even die early if I do not get control of my hours. My


7 2

father died at 55. I am ve ry motivated to do somethingabout this pro blem. This will not only get me going bu twill sustain me as I deal with this serious confl i c t .

# 3 We are curre n t ly wo rking on filling the two jobvacancies. Because this is alr e a dy in pro c e s s , this shouldp rovide me with some relief re l at ive ly soon.

# 4 I have been developing more skills in case I need to leavethis job. Th ey would be quite marke t abl e. If I cannot ge tmy manager to cooperat e, I can find another job.

From doing this analy s i s , R a n dy was able to develop ani m m e d i ate plan of action befo re the conflict got even wo rs e.

Within three months, the marri age counseling had made as i g n i ficant diffe re n c e, as he and his wife nego t i ated somesolutions. Th ey even took a well-needed fa m i ly va c ation.

He added exe rcise to his daily routine to help him deal withthe stress and be a more pleasant spouse and fat h e r. Hism a n ager begru d gi n g ly agreed to reduce his hoursi m m e d i at e ly. Once the two new staff people we re on board,R a n dy reduced his hours even more.

R a n dy knows that without this analy s i s , nothing would haveh ap p e n e d. He would have remained stuck in his confl i c t .

S e l f - I n t e rest and Benefits

Wh e n ever we need to ch a n ge a behav i o r, h ab i t , or lifed i re c t i o n , we will be more motivated if the proposed ch a n gefits into our self-interest. We ch a n ge if we know the ch a n gewill benefit us in some way. We drag our feet and bare ly


7 3

m a ke a move in a new direction when we do not see a va l i d,p e rsonal reason to do so.

For instance, if we do not believe there is a good reason toch a n ge our eating hab i t s , we will not ch a n ge them.

On the other hand, if we can identify reasons that havep e rsonal meaning, we will lift our feet and skip along to an ew beat. So if we find one or more ve ry good benefits fro mch a n ging eating hab i t s , s u ch as increased energy or lowe ri n gch o l e s t e ro l , we will be more motivated to do somethingabout it.

The same holds true for dealing with conflicts. If you haveno good reason to re s o l ve a confl i c t , you will not. Can yo uthink of a conflict wh e re you could have cared less if it eve rwas re s o l ved?

On the other hand, if you find some valid reasons or benefi t syou will gain for resolving a confl i c t , you will. Can you thinkof a conflict that was easily re s o l ved because it served yo u rs e l f - i n t e re s t ?

Th e re fo re, it is helpful if you can identify how the re s o l u t i o nof the conflict will benefit you and the others invo l ved in thec o n flict. Once each person names their self-interest or howt h ey will benefit if the conflict is re s o l ve d, you can all re a d i lym ove on to a successful re s o l u t i o n .

In the example described ab ove, it was in Randy ’s self-i n t e rest to re s o l ve the ove rtime issue because he re a l ly love shis fa m i ly and wants to pre s e rve the unit. His fa m i ly give ss e c u ri t y, l ove, and meaning to his life. He also does not wa n t


7 4

to get sick or die yo u n g, so it is in his self-interest to rega i nbalance in his life.

But wh at about his manager and company? How will theyb e n e fit? At fi rst glance, it ap p e a rs that they would lose ifR a n dy reduces his hours. Once the manager thought about it,he re a l i zed that it was in the company ’s and his self-inter e s tto help Randy re s o l ve this issue because he is an ex t re m e lyva l u able staff pers o n , one who would be hard to rep l a c e.

N ow that Randy and his manager re c og n i ze the benefi t s , t h eya re re a dy to lay out a plan and to take action.

Fighting Fa i rl y

Can you think of some conflict you we re in when the otherp e rson did not fight fa i rly? We have pro b ably all been in as i t u ation wh e re one person is facing a personal pro blem andanother person comes along and picks a fi g h t .

Linda recalls one time when she was especially vulnerabl eand her colleague picked a fight. She had just lost ani m p o rtant account and was re c ove ring from a long bout ofthe flu. Sal was totally insensitive to her situation eve nthough he knew wh at she had re c e n t ly gone through. Hewent to their manager and complained about how Linda wa shandling one of their long-time clients. This was not a re c e n td eve l o p m e n t , in fa c t , Sal had been fe s t e ring about it for along time. Just when Linda was most vulnerabl e, he at t a cke d.

Can you think of some conflict situation you we re in wh e nyou did not fight fa i rly? This is not unu s u a l , in fa c t , b e c a u s e


7 5

we are human, we can let things get out of control and act, o rfi g h t , in inap p ro p ri ate way s .

Linda recalls the time she had an earlier conflict with Salover a rep o rting pro c e d u re and was so angry with him thatshe bad-mouthed him to seve ral other people. A f t e r wa rd s ,she felt terri bl e, but the damage was alre a dy done. Shere a l i zed that she needed to learn how to fight more fa i rly.

Because we can expect conflicts to emerge, why not bep rep a red and cre ate some agreements on how these fi g h t swill be handled? Wh at are the ideal conditions and behav i o rsfor handling a serious conflict?

H e re is a list of some guidelines for fighting fa i rly thatsome staffs and teams have used. Th ey rev i ewed this list ofs u ggestions and adapted the wo rding to fit their circ u m -stances and styles.

• When we fi g h t , we agree to fix the pro bl e m , not assignbl a m e, h u rt , h u m i l i at e, or thre aten on another. The re a s o nthis is important is that we do not want to cause even moreh a rm by bl a m i n g, h u m i l i at i n g, or thre atening each other.

• We agree that the timing for our fight can make a dif-fe re n c e. We will always choose the best time to deal withthe conflict. This will not be when anyone is caught unpre-p a re d, ex h a u s t e d, or ove r wh e l m e d. The reason is that wewant each person to feel stro n g, rather than vulnerabl e,when wo rking on a resolution.

• If we need to postpone the time to wo rk on the confl i c t ’sre s o l u t i o n , we will look for a better date to do this so thec o n flict does not get swept under the rug or ignore d. Th egoal is to re s o l ve the confl i c t .


7 6

• We re c og n i ze that it may appear easier to avoid dealingwith the conflict. We re c og n i ze that some of us may tend toavoid conflicts so we will share the responsibility fo rmaking sure we don’t avoid them. Instead, those who areavo i d e rs will admit this and seek support from the others toch a n ge their pers p e c t ive on conflict. The reason we willhelp each other is that if we can ch a n ge our style ofreacting to conf l i c t s , we will be better equipped for dealingwith future confl i c t s .

• We agree that sometimes we will need a mediator to helpus re s o l ve our conflict. This will be necessary when thec o n flict is so powerful none of us can objective ly deal withit. An outsider can help us get through our fight and helpus to re a ch an agre e m e n t .

• We agree we will use a private and even neutral location todiscuss our conflict. We do not want wh at should be ap rivate matter made publ i c. This would only causeconfusion and go s s i p .

• We agree that when a resolution is re a ch e d, we will notd i s close to others the details of the process we we n tt h ro u g h , who said wh at , e t c. This info rm ation is of novalue to other people who have no direct re l ationship toour pro bl e m .

• We agree not to bad-mouth others or gossip about thec o n flict. We cert a i n ly do not want to cre ate a new situat i o nt h at could lead to yet another confl i c t .


7 7

Conflict Scale

H e re is a ve ry simple technique to use when a conflict ise m e rgi n g. We often hear people say, “On a scale of 1 to 10 . . .”as their way to identify a degree of import a n c e.

This Conflict Scale will help you do a quick eva l u ation ofjust how serious the conflict is and thus a way to determine ifyou need to take action now or lat e r.

Think about a conflict as you read the fo l l owing rating descri p t i o n s .D epending on the rating you ch o o s e, you will then know wh at to do nex t .

1 . The conflict does not bother me nor is it re a l ly thati m p o rtant. I will ignore it.

2 . The conflict bothers me some. I could ignore it longe r.

3 . The conflict is getting a little more tro u blesome so I coulds u p p ress it for now but will monitor the situat i o n .

12

34

56

78

91 0


7 8

4 . The conflict is starting to nag at me more since I started tomonitor it.

5 . This conflict is moderat e ly upsetting to more than one of us.

6 . The conflict is not going away. We better start ex p l o ri n gthe causes.

7 . We think it is wo rth the effo rt to look further into the causes.

8 . The conflict is def i n i t e ly affecting eve ryone invo l ve d. Weneed to wo rk out a plan.

9 . We are taking this ve ry seri o u s ly and are re a dy to select thebest strat egy.

1 0 . The conflict is defi n i t e ly out in the open so we cannotd e l ay. We must deal with it immediat e ly.

If you and your staff are familiar with this scale, then when ac o n flict emerges each of you can assign a number to thec o n flict. You can agree that if one party in the conflict feels thec o n flict is at least two values higher than the other pers o n ’seva l u at i o n , the person assigning the lower value concedes tothe other person and together they start towa rds a resolution.

If the person perc e iving the conflict as only a 1 or 2 ignore sthe assessment of the other person and resists dealing withthe conflict soon, this conflict will most like ly grow bigge rand be even more difficult to re s o l ve later on.

Tell Me and I’ll Listen

Ted has a conflict with his colleag u e, B e n , who turns on hisc o n fe rence call button and starts dialing even befo re the part yhe is calling has answ e red the phone. The ex t ra loud noise


7 9

wafts over the office partitions disturbing Te d ’s wo rk. Wh e nTed cannot stand it any m o re, he peers over the partition ands ays to Ben:

“ Why can’t you be more considerate and ke ep your confe re n c ecall button turned off? I’ve got important wo rk to do!”

Ben defe n s ive ly rep l i e s ,

“ Well my wo rk is important too so yo u ’ll just have to live withthe noise!”

As this standoff continued for seve ral we e k s , Ted and Benwe re incre a s i n g ly rude to one another. Helen, their manage r,noticed the increased animosity and called them into hero ffice to find out the cause.

Helen suggested she walk the men through an at t e n t ivelistening process so each of them could increase their under-standing of the other’s positions. She fi rst asked Ted to tellBen why he is irri t at e d. Ted said,

“I do not like it when you turn on your speaker phone bu t t o nb e fo re you even know if the person you are calling is in. I ami rri t ated by this because it disturbs me with unnecessary noise.”

N ex t , she asked Ted to make a statement of wh at he wa n t sf rom Ben. So Ted continued as Ben listened:

“I want you to leave the speaker phone button off until you ares u re the other person is in to talk with you. A c t u a l ly, I wish yo uwould go into the confe rence room if you need to do a confe r-ence call and not use the speaker phone in your cubicl e.”


8 0

The next part was hard for Te d, but Helen asked him to make as t atement of ap p re c i ation to Ben. Ted continued and told Ben:

“I imagine that you use the speaker phone so you can stand orwalk around while you talk.”

N ow Helen indicates that it is Ben’s turn to talk. He had ah a rd time just listening and was re l i eved that it was his turn .But Ben was not asked to give his points, because Heleninstead asked him to parap h rase wh at he heard Ted say i n g.After he did so, Ted indicated that Ben had heard himc o rre c t ly.

Then Ben was asked to project wh at he thinks is behind Te d ’scomplaint with a statement that starts with “I imagine you . . .”

Ben told Te d,

“I imagine you hate this additional noise because we alre a dyh ave so mu ch noise because of these open space partitions and weall hear other people talking and walking around in our are a .”

Fi n a l ly Ben was asked to make a commitment as to wh at hecould do about this conflict. Ben thought for a moment andre a s s u red Ted that in the future he would not use his speake rphone unless he was sure Ted was out of his offi c e. He toldTed to knock on the partition if he fo rgot until he ch a n ged hisbad hab i t .

L i ke Helen, as a manager you might need to lead staffm e m b e rs who are in a conflict with one another thro u g hthese steps. Until they learn the pro c e s s , you will have toguide them so no step is fo rgotten. A c t u a l ly, this tech n i q u ewo rks ve ry well when one person serves as a mediat o r.


8 1

Making honest statements about a conflict and using at t e n t ivelistening go hand in hand to re s o l ve conflicts. All too often,i n d ividuals are mu ddled about their confl i c t s , and thusuneasy about stating wh at they feel and want from others .H oweve r, if we are not honest about our feelings and wa n t s ,we will postpone resolving some confl i c t s .

H e re is a rev i ew of how this technique wo rks.

Step 1 The person who has a conflict completes seve ral ofthe fo l l owing sentence stems that fit the conflict situat i o n :

“I feel . . .”

“I do not like it when . . .”

“I am upset . . .”

“I am irri t ated . . .”

“I am annoyed . . .”

Step 2 N ex t , this same person completes any of thefo l l owing sentence stems that pertain to this confl i c t :

“I want you to . . .”

“I demand that you . . .”

“I wish you would . . .”

Step 3Then this same person tells the other wh at is ap p re c i at e d.

“I ap p re c i ate your position . . .”

“I imagine that you . . .”


8 2

Step 4 The individual who was listening now responds byp a rap h rasing wh at he or she heard. The parap h rase is start e dwith one of these sentence stems:

“I heard you saying . . .”

“I see you . . .”

Step 5 This person next projects wh at he or she thinks isbehind the other pers o n ’s conflict with a statement that start sw i t h :

“I imagine you . . .”

Step 6 In the final step , this person makes a commitmentas to wh at he or she can do about this conflict by completingone of these stat e m e n t s :

“I can . . .”

“I will . . .”

“I plan to . . .”

“I will try to . . .”

The Mediat o r

In the previous ex a m p l e, Helen was demonstrating a fo rm ofm e d i ation. Th e re are many conflict situations wh e re two (orm o re) people cannot re s o l ve their conflict because they areso embroiled and emotionally invo l ve d. Helen served as an e u t ral mediator to help Ted and Ben wo rk through a confl i c t .

C o n flicts can get re s o l ved more easily and quick ly if an e u t ral person would serve as a mediat o r. The manage rshould look for opportunities to help his or her staff re s o l vetheir conflicts. Howeve r, a peer can be the mediat o r, t o o .


8 3

A nyone can mediate as long as the mediator stays neutral andu n d e rstands the ro l e.

H ow do you mediate? The process is similar to the lastt e chnique of listening and parap h ra s i n g. Here is an ex a m p l eof an office situation that benefits from a mediat i o nconducted by a manage r.

June is a well trained and ex p e rienced support person wh owo rked herself up to this position. Howie tre ats June in ademeaning fashion because he has more education andp e rc e ives support staff as “ s l ave s .” June is hurt by How i e ’st re atment and complains to the other wo m e n , but she doesnot want to confront How i e.

Jo s ep h , their manage r, is pro b ably the best person to mediat ethis conflict because even though he has authority over bothp e o p l e, t h ey trust him.

L e t ’s fo l l ow June and Howie through a mediation by theirboss. Fi rs t , he explains the ground rules.

“ This mediation process wo rks best when you both agree tosome ground rules. You agree to fo l l ow a stru c t u red pro c e s st h at eve n t u a l ly will allow both of you time to air your com-plaints. This process wo rks only if you both agree that yo uwant it to wo rk. Do you agre e ? ”

Th ey both nod their heads in agreement. Jo s eph starts byasking June to state wh at the conflict is to How i e. Sheh e s i t ates because she does not like conflict and is reluctant tom a ke waves. With Jo s ep h ’s encouragement she say s ,


8 4

“ H ow i e, I know you don’t intend to hurt me, but when yo us ay demeaning re m a rks about my wo rk , I feel real badly.”

H owie just listens as Jo s eph asks cl a rifying questions until heis sure June has provided a complete picture.

“ Ju n e, can you give Howie an example so he will know wh atyou mean?”

June rep l i e s ,

“ When I gave you the last rep o rt , instead of saying thanks,you said something like, ‘ This sure took you long enough!’”

Then Jo s eph asks Howie to parap h rase wh at he heard Ju n es ay was the pro blem. Once he completes his summary,Jo s eph asks June if Howie corre c t ly parap h ra s e d. Ju n ec o n c u rs it was accurat e.

N ow it is How i e ’s turn to explain his position. Jo s eph leadshim through the same steps. Howie say s ,

“ Ju n e, I have a lot of pre s s u re on me to meet deadlines withmy customers and I need to count on you to get the wo rkdone in a timely fa s h i o n .”

H owie gives her an example of wh at happens when he cannotget a rep o rt to his customer on time.

June parap h rases wh at Howie said and even add s ,

“I had no idea my late rep o rt would cause so mu ch tro u bl e.”


8 5

N ext Jo s eph asks both June and Howie to identify wh at theythink is the cause behind the conflict. June shares how shehas always been sensitive to negat ive fe e d b a ck and takes itve ry pers o n a l ly. Howie recalls how he grew up in a fa m i lywh e re the kids never got any positive fe e d b a ck. He alsore a l i zes that he had withheld important info rm ation fro mJune that could have affected her turn a round time.

Jo s eph adds his perc ep t i o n s , t o o .

“I also think this pro blem is caused by some ge n d e rd i ffe rences. I re c e n t ly went to a wo rkshop about how menand women can wo rk better toge t h e r. I learned how menge n e ra l ly give opinions and judgments. Like June admitted,women too often take negat ive fe e d b a ck pers o n a l ly andn eglect to ask for the positive fe e d b a ck they need.”

Once they all agree on the causes, Jo s eph leads a discussionof possible ways they could re s o l ve this issue.

June and Howie each make suggestions. Their list incl u d e s :

• H owie could agree to let June know more specifi c a l lyabout his deadlines. June could agree to give Howie ane s t i m ate of how long it usually takes her to get rep o rt sdone so Howie can turn drafts into her earl i e r.

• June could respond diffe re n t ly and deflect How i e ’sc riticism with a statement like, “ Yo u ’re ri g h t , but yo u ’ll bepleased with the re s u l t s ! ”

• H owie can make the effo rt to tell June at least two compli-ments for eve ry complaint.


8 6

• Both can ke ep a log of how they give and re c e ive fe e d b a ck .Then they could rev i ew this with Jo s ep h .

• H owie and June can attend the wo rkshop Jo s eph at t e n d e don men and women wo rking toge t h e r.

Th ey look at the pros and cons of each suggestion. Th eyc o n t i nue discussing the options until both re a ch consensus ona plan of action.

Once an agreement is re a ch e d, the mediat o r, Jo s ep h , s u m m a-ri zes the agre e m e n t , s u ggests how their progress can bem o n i t o re d, and thanks them both for cooperat i n g.

Les has been with the company for thirty ye a rs and re s e n t sthe new thirt y - ye a r-old colleag u e, C h ri s , who thinks hek n ows how to solve eve ry t h i n g. Chri s ’c o n fidence and enthu-siasm rub Les the wrong way. Les is always putting dow nC h ri s ’ ideas with statements like, “ We don’t do it that waya round here ! ”

In June and How i e ’s situat i o n , the manager is pro b ably thebest person to mediate because the manager has authori t yover both people. In Les’and Chri s ’s i t u at i o n , a peer coulds e rve as a mediat o r.

Can Conflicts Be Ignore d ?

When we ignore or deny the existence of confl i c t s , we usuallys ay or do nothing and make no effo rt to even talk about it.

Th e re are some occasions when it might be best to ignore thec o n flict. For instance, if the conflict issue is re a l ly not


8 7

i m p o rtant to eve ryone invo l ve d, why waste energy on it? Letit go for now.

If the timing is wro n g, wait. If you and the others in thec o n flict are tire d, d i s t racted by other mat t e rs , or cannot givea ny attention to this conf l i c t , wa i t .

Also if any person is too emotional, ex t re m e ly agi t at e d, o rlooks like they are about to bl ow, stop for now. Wait until thisp e rson has calmed dow n , o t h e r w i s e, the emotions coulde s c a l ate and cause more harm .

B ri d ge t t e, a manager in the accounting dep a rt m e n t , n o t i c e dt wo of her staff people talking at the copier. One was cri t i c i z-ing the other on how she operates the machine and thesecond person was frow n i n g. Bri d gette decided to ignore thisbecause she had not seen these two at odds befo re and tru s t e dt h ey could wo rk it out if it was necessary.

Be careful though. If the conflict is important to others eve nthough you do not think it mat t e rs , wo rk on it now befo re ite s c a l ates into a wo rse pro blem. A l s o , c o n flicts that violat es a fety standards or your company pro c e d u res should neve rbe ignore d.

For instance, Ron had provided on-the-job training on howhis wo rke rs should stack boxes in the shipping dep a rt m e n t .E ven so, one person was consistently sloppy with this task.Ron re a l i zed that this unsafe practice was more import a n tthan ignoring an indiv i d u a l ’s habits. He re - t rained this pers o ni m m e d i at e ly.


8 8

When Can Conflicts Be Smoothed Ove r ?

When the issue is a little more important yet the timing maybe off, you might smooth over the rough edges for themoment. A l s o , if it is important to pre s e rve the re l at i o n s h i p s ,the conflict might be played down for a wh i l e.

When we choose this method, we re c og n i ze there is ac o n fl i c t , although it may not yet be ve ry serious. In thisi n s t a n c e, we may appeal to those in the conflict to cool off fo rthe sake of team harm o ny.

B ri d gette has one employe e, E l l i o t , who has been late towo rk all week because his car was in the shop and he had tot a ke the bus. When another employee began to complainabout this, B ri d gette smoothed it over with a shortex p l a n ation and reminder that eve ryone needs to be fl ex i bl ewhen there are personal emerge n c i e s .

Although we smooth the situation ove r, we do re m a i nwat chful. We use more time to fe rret out wh at is causing thisc o n flict or wait for a better time to bring the growing confl i c tout into the open.

Be careful though. This smoothing over method is not ap p ro-p ri ate if the issue is quite serious and will become a crisis ifi g n o red for too long. Wo rk on the conflict befo re it becomesu n w i e l dy.

Also move fo r wa rd towa rds resolution and not justsmoothing over if others invo l ved in the conflict are re a dyand willing to wo rk it through. Th ey will be fru s t rated if yo uwait too long to re s o l ve the pro bl e m .


8 9

Ron ove r h e a rd one of his biggest guys ragging on a shortg u y. He kept an eye on both of them, wat ching how theh a rassed person handled the teasing. After this happened ove ra one-week peri o d, Ron re a l i zed this issue was too import a n tto just smooth ove r. The harassed person was acting moref ri g h t e n e d. He intervened with the bu l ly, i n d i c ating theb o u n d a ries for ap p ro p ri ate behav i o rs.

When Should I Use My Authority to Resolve Conflicts?

You use the authority and power that comes with yo u rposition as the superv i s o r, m a n age r, or leader to settle ac o n flict between your employees when they have beenu n able to re s o l ve it themselves.

A c t u a l ly, t h at is ex a c t ly wh at Ron did with the hara s s m e n ts i t u ation. He confi rmed the company ’s policy on re s p e c t , a n doutlined wh at he expected and wh at would happen if heo b s e rved this harassment aga i n .

Use your authority when you do have the luxury of time tohelp re s o l ve the confl i c t .

When you are dealing with people who show little interest infighting fa i rly or behave in unpro fessional way s , you willh ave to interve n e.

Be careful here, too! This is only one of many methods tore s o l ve conflicts. If you relied only on this method, yo umight be viewed as a “ h e avy-handed boss.” A l s o , your staffmight start re lying on you to re s o l ve all conflicts when theya re cap able of handling many on their own. Your job is to


9 0

help your employees understand their conflicts better, t ore c og n i ze their ch o i c e s , and use their skills in resolving theirc o n flicts.

Is Neg o t i ation a Good Conflict Resolution Te c h n i q u e ?

Ye s , n ego t i ating can be ve ry helpful in resolving somec o n flicts. Howeve r, m a ny people do not know how ton ego t i ate ve ry we l l .

N ego t i ation re q u i res some give and take on each pers o n ’sp a rt. Think of nego t i ation as a stre t ched ru bber band. Wh e npulled taut, the end points rep resent each pers o n ’s start i n gpoint or position. Now release some tension on the ru bb e rb a n d. Pe r h aps it is still skewed more in one direction. Later itmight relax until it is nearer the midpoint.

When we nego t i at e, we start with inf l ated positions. Th e s epositions will be in flux as we discuss the conflict. Onep e rson may give up something, while the other makes a ga i n .Then on another point, this may reve rs e. In the end, b o t hpeople have ch a n ged their positions and the resolution iss o m ewh e re in the midd l e.

C o m p romise is only ach i eved when eve ryone moves off theiro ri ginal position to a new position that re flects the needs ofall the parties. So make sure that eve ryone is committed tothis nego t i ation process. Start by making sure each pers o n ’sgoal or position is c l e a rly stat e d. Once each person has beenh e a rd by the others , b egin to strive for middle ground wh e reeve ryone will feel they are getting something.


9 1

Karen’s team had been developing a new program for oneyear. It had been a struggle to get the team to work welltogether. She knew what each person had to offer. She hadobserved how well they could work together. When they wereat the point of presenting the plan to the top managementteam, Karen was torn. She was the best speaker, however, thisteam had invested so much and they wanted to deliver thereport. She negotiated a compromise. The team would outlinethe presentation and practice before a willing group ofcolleagues. If they did not pass this test, then Karen would usethe outline but do the delivery of the report herself.

Be careful of this method also! Nego t i ation will not wo rk ifa ny person is determined to have their way and is unwillingto give up a little to re a ch a settlement. Some people ares t u bb o rn and do not believe in compro m i s e. Others mighth ave such a ri d i c u l o u s ly infl ated position that the otherp e rson will feel offended from the start.

Ta ke Haro l d, for ex a m p l e. He is a stubb o rn pers o n , with aloud mouth and ve ry opinionat e d. Harold loves to argue andhe never gives up his position. The staff was trying ton ego t i ate a solution on how to allocate office space in then ew bu i l d i n g. Harold kept haranguing and complaining thathe had to have the office at the end of the hall. After a wh i l e,the group gave up and just let him have his way because hewould never consider a compro m i s e.

H ow Does Collaboration Work to Resolve Conflicts?

C o l l ab o ration is an excellent method to re a ch consensus on ac o n flict. Use it only when those in the conflict alre a dy have ah e a l t hy respect for and trust one another. This wo rks we l l


9 2

with people who have successfully wo rked together onp ro blems in the past.

The collab o ration method re q u i res a lot of talking through ofthe issue, its causes, and altern at ive solutions. Diffe rent fro mn ego t i at i o n , no one starts with an infl ated position. Instead,e a ch pers o n ’s values and ex p e rience are accep t e d. Eachp e rson is encouraged to ke ep talking. Talking continues untileve n t u a l ly a solution is found that eve ryone can tru ly livewith. When this hap p e n s , t h ey have collab o rated in order tore a ch consensus.

S ave this collab o ration method for those issues that impacteve ryo n e. Use it when eve ryone must live with there s o l u t i o n .

H e re are good examples of when this method has beenuseful. A well-functioning staff collab o rated to slice items offtheir annual bu d get. Once they we re lucky when their dep a rt-ment got ex t ra money they had not ex p e c t e d. When they col-l ab o rat e d, t h ey all benefited from the windfall.

Another staff put their team philosophy into practice by col-l ab o rating on the purchase of all the new office equipment.Another team used collab o ration to re a ch consensus on howto distri bute the team’s re c ognition rewa rd money.

Be careful when using this method! Collab o rating to re a chconsensus takes a lot of time and pat i e n c e, so use this methodwhen eve ryone can invest sufficient time.

Jim had just learned about collab o ration and decided to try itwith his staff. Without finding out wh at they knew about this


9 3

p rocess nor if they even wanted to re a ch the decision thisway, Jim ch a rged ahead.

He posed the pro blem of how the sales terr i t o ry wa sc u rre n t ly divided up based on seniori t y. He assumed theycould re c o n fi g u re the terri t o ry using collab o ration.

After six grueling hours , these ve ry busy salespeople threwup their hands and revo l t e d. Th ey did not have the time ore n e rgy or interest in resolving the pro blem this way. Th eyinsisted that Jim decide! Th e re fo re, he was left holding theb ag. He was disappointed in his team. The team memberswe re disgusted with collab o ration because they found it inef-ficient. Looking back , Jim re a l i zed collab o ration to re a chconsensus was the wrong method to use.

L e t ’s Rev i ew ! You have just learned more about five moremethods of resolving conflicts. You could:

• I g n o re the confl i c t .

• S u p p ress or smooth over the conf l i c t .

• Use your authority to settle the confl i c t .

• N ego t i ate a re s o l u t i o n .

• C o l l ab o rate to re a ch consensus.

Read over the fo l l owing two conflict situations imagi n i n gyou are the manage r. Th e re are five altern at ives of wh at yo umight do in each conflict. Star the altern at ive you most like lywould do and think about why you chose it.


9 4

N ext decide wh i ch conflict method is used in each of the fivea l t e rn at ives. W rite the wo rd s , I g n o re, S u p p re s s , U s eAu t h o ri t y, N ego t i at e, and Collab o rat e on the lines. (Hint:E a ch method is only used once in each case. )

What Would You Do?

Case #1 Peter has wo rked for you for over two ye a rs. In thep a s t , he has been an ex c eptional employe e, but lat e ly his per-fo rmance has been only marginal and other employees havec o m p l a i n e d. You know Peter wants to tra n s fer to anotherd ep a rtment. You wo u l d :

_____ A. Tell him that if he wants to stay on the pay ro l l , h eshould improve fa s t !

_____ B. Tell him that if he improve s , you will try to get him tra n s fe rre d.

_____ C. Point out how his perfo rmance has been poor l at e ly, and ask wh at is bothering him.

_____ D. Say nothing now; it would be inap p ro p ri ate to m a ke something out of nothing.

_____ E. Try to put the other employees at ease, because it is important that they all wo rk well toge t h e r.

I would most like ly do altern at ive _____ because _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ .

Case #2 As office manage r, M a ria encourages here m p l oyees to make suggestions for improving offi c ep ro c e d u res. On sep a rate occasions, t wo of her staff ap p ro a chher with diffe rent suggestions for a new filing and re t ri eva lsystem. Maria sees the value of both ideas, although the sug-


9 5

gestions are quite diffe rent. Both people think their ideas arethe best. This rep resents just one more example of competi-tion between them. If you we re Mari a , you could:

_____ A. Decide wh i ch system you will use and announce your decision to them.

_ _ _ _ _ B. Wait and see; the best solution will become ap p a re n t .

_____ C. Tell both people not to get so uptight; this is not t h at import a n t .

_____ D. Get them together and examine both of their ideas cl o s e ly.

_ _ _ _ _ E. Try one system for a quarter and then the other o n e, then eva l u at e.

I would most like ly do altern at ive ____ because__________.

H ow well did you do re c ognizing the five methods of I g n o re,S u p p re s s , Use Au t h o ri t y, N ego t i at e, a n d C o l l ab o rat e?

C h e ck your answe rs against the fo l l ow i n g :

Case #1

• A l t e rn at ive A is using your authority as the manager andtelling Peter wh at to do.

• A l t e rn at ive B is nego t i ation. Peter would need to ch a n gehis behavior; he gives up something he is comfo rt able within order to get wh at he wants. He will then ga i nsomething—a tra n s fe r.


9 6

• A l t e rn at ive C is collab o ration because it invo l ves a lot oft a l k i n g. You and Peter will discuss wh at is going on, l o o kat causes, and wo rk together to come up with a plan.

• A l t e rn at ive D is ignori n g. Nothing hap p e n s .

• A l t e rn at ive E is smoothing over the pr o blem with soothing wo rd s .

Case #2

• A l t e rn at ive A is using a manage r ’s authori t y. Mari aannounces her decision.

• A l t e rn at ive B is ignori n g. Nothing is said or done.

• A l t e rn at ive C is smoothing over by telling the employe e snot to get upset.

• A l t e rn at ive D is collab o ration because eve ryone ge t st ogether and talks at gr e at length about the altern at ive sug-gestions until they re a ch consensus.

• A l t e rn at ive E is nego t i ation and compro m i s e. Both ideasget tried for awhile so neither person gets their way i m m e d i at e ly.

Looking over wh i ch altern at ive you chose in each case, d i dyou choose the same method each time? If so, ke ep in mindt h at your choice of how to re s o l ve a conflict will part ly dep e n don wh at is happening in the situation. Strive to diagnose eachs i t u ation and then to choose wh at you would do.


9 7

Use the Pro blem-Solving Method

M a ny conflicts can be r e s o l ved if you fo l l ow the five steps ofa simple pro blem-solving method. These steps for pro bl e msolving are pro b ably ve ry familiar to you.

Of cours e, you can use this process alone, but often you willwant to use this method with your staff.

This ve rsion of pro blem solving wo rks best if the conflict isfa i rly simple.

Step 1 W rite out a short statement about the conflict. Who isi nvo l ved? Wh at was said or done? When and wh e re did this confl i c te m e rge ?

Step 2 S e a rch for the causes. Refer back to Chapter 4 to recall allof the possible causes of conflicts. If this is a re c u rring confl i c t ,identify its past occurrences.

Step 3 Set a goal . . . wh at do you want to happen? Wh at does theother person want as the outcome? Is there a common go a l ?

Step 4 B ra i n s t o rm altern at ive solutions. List as many ideas as yo ucan in a short time, without judgment.

Step 5 Select the best one or two solutions. Refine the idea and putit into pra c t i c e. Later on, eva l u ate how it wo rked so you will learnf rom this confl i c t .


9 8

This ch apter has shown you many methods you can use tore s o l ve conflicts. Look back at some unre s o l ved conflict yo unoted in Chapter 2 and decide wh i ch of the fo l l owing twe l vemethods might help you to move fo r wa rd :

• Fo rce Field A n a ly s i s

• Identify Self-Interest and Benefi t s

• Fighting Fa i rly

• C o n flict Scale

• Tell Me and I’ll Listen

• M e d i at i o n

• I g n o ri n g

• Smoothing Ove r

• Using Au t h o ri t y

• N ego t i at i o n

• C o l l ab o rat i o n

• P ro blem Solving

You work is not done when the conflict is re s o l ve d. It isc ritical to rev i ew your ex p e rience with eve ry conflict tod e t e rmine wh at wo rke d, wh at didn’t wo rk , and wh at yo ul e a rn e d. Wh at you learn from eve ry conflict can help yo uwhen you face the next one. The fo l l owing is one manage r ’sc o n flict and wh at he learn e d.

One Te a m ’s Journ ey

Most groups go through seve ral stages in their growth on theway to becoming a high perfo rmance team. You are pro b ablyfamiliar with this group development model: Fo rm i n g,S t o rm i n g, N o rm i n g, a n d Pe r fo rm i n g.

As suggested by the ve ry wo rd S t o rm i n g, in this phasec o n flicts are out in the open. Clues include a noticeabl ei n c rease in stre s s , p o o rer perfo rm a n c e, or perhaps somepeople have withdrawn. This situation re q u i res conflict re s o-lution so the team can successfully move on.

Je rry ’s team did not anticipate conflicts when they fi rs tfo rm e d. Eve ryone shared a common vision and mission.E ve ryone was enthusiastic and re a dy to move fo r wa rd with

9 9

Learning from Your Conflicts

7


1 0 0

their tasks. Each of their earlier meetings was pro d u c t ive.E ve ryone felt a part of this new ly fo rmed team.

H oweve r, the realities of the team’s project eve n t u a l ly did notm at ch the ori gi n a l , idealistic ex p e c t ations. For instance, ro l e swe re evolving and two members we re not sure wh e re they fi ta ny m o re. The pro j e c t ’s goals expanded while the re s o u rc e ss t ayed the same.

Six months into the pro j e c t , one team member, Ju l i e, ra i s e dwh at ap p e a red to be a simple question about her ro l e. Je rryh a s t i ly and impat i e n t ly responded with his answe r. Sudd e n ly,other group members got quiet, o bv i o u s ly taken back by thel e a d e r ’s strong re s p o n s e. It quick ly became obvious thats eve ral people had been going along with decisions eve nthough they had re s e rvations.

A two-hour discussion ensued. Feelings we re ex p ressed andexamples given. Eve n t u a l ly the group re a l i zed that they hadthis conflict par t ly because they had never established teamguidelines on how they would wo rk toge t h e r. Th e re fo re, t h eydid not have a plan in place to deal with issues as they aro s e.I n s t e a d, h i dden agendas and concerns eve n t u a l ly perc o l at e dto the top months la t e r.

Their resolution was to cre ate a set of team guidelines. W ri t t e nguidelines would ke ep some conflicts from ever developing intheir team. Th ey agreed to use consensus as the decision-making model because agreement by consensus would be asignal that eve ryone is committed to the team’s effo rt s .

Th ey used the ge n e ral list of guidelines found on page 54. Th eym o d i fi e d, d e l e t e d, and added guidelines that fit their needs.

L e a rning from Your Conflicts

1 0 1

Th ey wrote up a final list of guidelines, and each teammember signed the agreement. Th ey also agreed to ke ep theagreement “on the tab l e ” at eve ry meeting. Th ey ro t ated aGuidelines Monitor for each meeting, although they knewt h at ideally eve ryone should pay attention to the violation ofa ny guideline.

Th ey also set a date to rev i ew the guidelines, a dd to the list,and modify them as needed. If a new person joins this team,t h ey plan to help this individual integrate more quick ly withthe use of these team guidelines.

So wh at did Je rry learn? He used the I Learned . . . s e n t e n c estems (from the list below) to help him answer this question.

• I was surp rised that this conflict happened because the s t a rt-up of this team went so we l l .

• I noticed that I can get especially impatient when I amfeeling stre s s e d.

• I am disappointed that I jumped on Julie so quick ly.

• I plan to use team guidelines with eve ry new team I fo rm .

• I learned that I can successfully re s o l ve confl i c t s .

You can also use these sentence stems to stimu l ate your eva l-u ation. Complete two or more of these after eve ry conflict isre s o l ved and you will identify the key insights you learn e d.

• I learned that I . . .

• I re - l e a rned that I . . .

• I discove red that I . . .


1 0 2

• I noticed that I . . .

• I was surp rised that I . . .

• I am disappointed that I . . .

• I plan to . . .

W h at Else Can You Do?

This M a n age r ’s Po cket Guide to Dealing with Confl i c t h a soutlined many ideas to help you unders t a n d, p reve n t , a n dre s o l ve conflicts. Here are some final thoughts on yo u rj o u rn ey to learn from eve ry one of your conf l i c t s .

• C re ate an env i ronment wh e re eve ryone is comfo rt able dis-cussing issues, s t ating their va l u e s , and fighting fa i rly.

• L ay a sound fo u n d ation with your staff or team with theuse of team guidelines, a discussion of ex p e c t at i o n s , and as e a rch for common values. This will prevent manyc o n flicts from occurr i n g. Include guidelines that willp rotect individuals from others ’ at t a cks or put-downs and arespect for eve ryo n e ’s contri bu t i o n s .

• Model how you want your staff to deal with conflict. Showthem with your wo rds and behav i o r. Share with them yo u rex p e riences with conflict and times you have successfullydealt with confl i c t .

• Ta ke time to tru ly understand each per s o n ’s needs, va l u e s ,c u l t u ral infl u e n c e s , gender diffe re n c e s , and style ofhandling confl i c t s .

• Do not avoid dealing with your conflicts. You can delaydealing with some conflicts until the timing is better, bu tyou must face them eve n t u a l ly or they will only get wo rs e.

L e a rning from Your Conflicts

1 0 3

• R ev i ew with your staff or team the Conflict Cycle inC h apter 1. When a conflict ar i s e s , eva l u ate together wh atphase the conflict is in.

• R ev i ew with your staff or team the causes of conflicts inC h apter 4 so they can gain more understanding of wh at isbehind most confl i c t s .

• L e a rn about a va riety of methods for resolving confl i c t s ,i n cluding listening and questioning skills, n ego t i at i o n , a n dm e d i ation. Check the Bibl i ograp hy of Refe rences for otherre s o u rces on these and other topics.

• Find some ways to re l i eve stress and fatigue so thesefa c t o rs do not encourage the brewing of unnecessaryc o n fl i c t s .

• Be persistent and patient. It takes time, but it is wo rth it!You will build better re l at i o n s h i p s , reduce stre s s , a n di m p rove pro d u c t iv i t y.

• Tra ck your progress. Celeb rate successes when you haveap p ro p ri ate and timely re s o l u t i o n s .

• B e l i eve there is value in learning from all your confl i c t s .Remain committed to your belief.

C o n flicts are an inev i t able part of our lives. Do not fe a rc o n flicts. You can now face them. Use all of your skills tore s o l ve them. A lways take the time to learn from them!

B o o k s

L e a rning from Confl i c t by Lois B. Hart. HRD Pre s s ,22 A m h e rst St., A m h e rs t , MA 01002 or call 1-800-822-2801. This Instru c t o r ’s Manual includes wo rk s h o pdesigns and activ i t i e s .

You Just Don’t Unders t a n d! by Deb o rah Tannen ex p l a i n sh ow the best of intentions can easily go astray.

V i d e o s

The A rt of Resolving Conflicts in the Wo rk p l a c e c ove rs sixt e chniques for smoothing over office conflicts anddealing with uncoopera t ive co-wo rke rs. Ava i l abl et h rough Training Expre s s , 11358 Au ro ra Ave. , D e sM o i n e s , IA 50322.

B e t ween You and Me: Solving Confl i c t s h ows you how tohelp employees solve conflicts befo re it affe c t sp e r fo rm a n c e. Ava i l able on CD-ROM and video thro u g hA m e rican Media Incorp o rat e d, 4900 Unive rs i t y, We s tDes Moines, IA 50266 or call 1-800-262-2557.

C o n fl i c t : M a n aging Under Pre s s u re s h ows manage rs how tohandle conflicts caused by ru m o rs , m i s i n fo rm at i o n ,d i ffe ring points of view, plus identifying causes, s t age s ,and solutions. CRM F i l m s , 2215 Fa ra d ay Ave. , C a rl s b a d,CA 92008 or call 1-800-421-0833.

1 0 5

B i bl i og r ap hy of Resources on Conflict


1 0 6

Dealing with Confl i c t is based on the Th o m a s - K i l m a nC o n flict Mode Instrument. Learn how to re c og n i ze andre s o l ve conflict. Zicom Fi l m s , RR #2 Woods Rd. ,Tu xe d o , NY 10987 or call 1-800-759-4266.

Dealing with Conflict and Confro n t at i o n s h ows you how toavoid temper fl a re ups-and one-ups-manship. In audioand video fo rm at. Ava i l able from Career Tra ck , 3 0 8 5Center Green Drive, B o u l d e r, CO 80301-5408 or call 1 - 8 0 0 - 2 2 3 - 1 0 1 8 .

H ow to Deal with Difficult Pe o p l e c ove rs people such as thed i c t at o r, k n ow - i t - a l l s , and complainers. In audio andvideo fo rm at. Ava i l able from Career Tra ck , 3085 CenterG reen Drive, B o u l d e r, CO 80301-5408 or call 1 - 8 0 0 - 2 2 3 - 1 0 1 8 .

H ow to Resolve Conflicts on the Jo b c ove rs causes, p e rs o n a l-i t y, h ow to influence others , and methods to settled i s agreements. Ava i l able through Commu n i c at i o nB ri e fi n g s , 1101 King St., Suite 110, A l ex a n d ri a , VA22314 or call 1-703-548-3800.

Wo rking with Difficult Pe o p l e c ove rs seve ral kinds of peoplei n cluding the ove rre a c t o r, s t u bb o rn , i n fl ex i bl e, ove rs e n s i-t ive, and complainer. Suggestions are given for dealingwith each pro blem. CRM Fi l m s , 2215 Fa ra d ay Ave. ,C a rl s b a d, CA 92008 or call 1-800-421-0833.

M i xed Media

B e t ween You and Me: Solving Confl i c t s h ows you how tohelp employees solve conflicts befo re it affe c t sp e r fo rm a n c e. Ava i l able on CD-ROM and video thro u g hA m e rican Media Incorp o rat e d, 4900 Unive rs i t y, We s tDes Moines, IA 50266 or call 1-800-262-2557.

B i bl i og r a p hy of Resources on Conflict

1 0 7

C a reer Tra ck offe rs C o n flict Resolutions and Confro n t at i o nS k i l l s in both video and audio fo rm ats. 3085 CenterG reen Drive, B o u l d e r, CO 80301-5408 or call 1 - 8 0 0 - 2 2 3 - 1 0 1 8 .

Feedback Instru m e n t s—S e l f - A d m i n i s t e red

The Conflict Style Inve n t o ry by Marshall Sashkin assessesyour own ap p ro a ches to conflict management. HRDP re s s , 22 A m h e rst St., A m h e rs t , MA 01002 or call 1-8 0 0 - 8 2 2 - 2 8 0 1 .

Thomas Kilman’s C o n flict Mode Instru m e n t assesses yo u rp re fe rred conflict handling mode and suggestions fo ri n c reasing your comfo rt level for the less used styles.Ava i l able from Xicom, RR #2 Woods Rd. , Tu xe d o , N Y10987 or call 1-800-759-4266.

Self-Study Prog r a m s

H ow to Manage Conflict in the Orga n i z at i o n equips you withthe strat egi e s , t a c t i c s , and insights you need to ga i nc o n t rol of tough conflict situations. Ava i l able fro mA m e rican Management A s s o c i at i o n , 1601 Bro a dway,N ew Yo rk , NY 10019-7420 or call 1-800-262-9699.

Wo r k s h o p

Tra n s fo rming Wo rkplace Confl i c t f rom HRD Press show se m p l oyees how to turn conflict into a benefi c i a l—rat h e rthan harm f u l—ex p e ri e n c e. Ava i l able from HRD Pre s s ,22 Amherst Road, Amherst, MA 01002. 1-800-822-2801.

A b d i c at i o n , as reaction toc o n fl i c t , 2 8

Ability to deal with confl i c tas cause of confl i c t s , 3 6 – 3 7 ,

4 2 , 5 6 – 5 7c o n flict prevention and, 6 3 – 6 4

A ge, as cause of confl i c t s , 5 5A n a lysis of conflict. S e e

C o n flict causes; Namingc o n fl i c t s

A n ge r,as reaction to confl i c t ,2 8A n t i c i p at i o n , of confl i c t , 3 , 7A s s u m p t i o n s

as cause of confl i c t s , 3 5 , 4 2 ,4 9 – 5 0

c o n flict prevention and, 6 3in conflict re s o l u t i o n , 2 8

Au t h o ri t y, use of in conflict re s o l u t i o n , 8 9 – 9 0 , 9 5 ,9 6

Avo i d a n c e, of confl i c t s , 1 , 4 , 8 ,2 9 – 3 0 , 1 0 2

B e l i e f sabout confl i c t , 1 0 – 1 1vs. va l u e s , 4 4

B e n e fi t s , c o n flict re s o l u t i o na n d, 7 2 – 7 4

B o dy language, c o n flict and,2 5 – 2 7

Case studyc o n flict re s o l u t i o n , 9 4 – 9 6identifying cause of conf l i c t ,

3 7 – 4 3C a u s e s , of conflict. S e e C o n fl i c t

c a u s e sChildhood ex p e ri e n c e s

beliefs rega rding conflict and,1 0 – 1 1

causes of conflicts and, 3 6 ,5 3 , 5 4 – 5 6

c o n flict avoidance and,2 9 – 3 0

c o n flict prevention and, 6 3c o n flict reactions and,

2 4 – 2 5values and, 4 5

C o l l ab o rat i o n ,c o n flict re s o l u t i o na n d, 9 1 – 9 3 , 9 6

C o l l e ag u e s , p reventing confl i c t sw i t h , 6 0

C o m p ro m i s e, c o n flict re s o l u t i o na n d, 9 0 – 9 1 , 9 6

C o n flict avo i d a n c e, 2 9 – 3 0

1 0 9

IN D E X

I n d ex

1 1 0

C o n flict causes, 33. See alsoNaming confl i c t s

case study, 3 7 – 4 3eight key, 3 4 – 3 7 , 4 3 – 5 7p revention of conflicts and,

6 2 – 6 4C o n flict ch a rt , 1 4 – 1 7 , 2 0 – 2 2C o n flict cy cl e, 1 0 3C o n flict log, 1 7 – 2 2C o n flict pat t e rn s , i d e n t i f y i n g,

2 0 – 2 2C o n flict preve n t i o n , 5 9 – 6 5C o n flict re a c t i o n s , 2 3

avo i d a n c e, 2 9 – 3 0ch a n gi n g, 3 0 – 3 1as learned behav i o rs , 2 4 – 2 5m o n i t o ring to preve n t

c o n fl i c t , 6 1p hysical re a c t i o n s , 2 5 – 2 7s t y l e s , 2 7 – 2 9

C o n flict re s o l u t i o n , 4 – 5 , 6 7case study, 9 – 1 0 , 9 4 – 9 6causes of conflict and, 3 4c o l l ab o ration and, 9 1 – 9 3c o n flict scale and, 7 7 – 7 8fighting fa i rly and, 7 4 – 7 6fo rce field analysis and, 6 8 – 7 2i g n o ring conflict and, 8 6 – 8 7m e d i ation and, 7 8 – 8 6n ego t i ation and, 9 0 – 9 1p ro blem-solving method, 9 7s e l f - i n t e rest and benefits and,

7 2 – 7 4smoothing over and, 8 8 – 8 9t e a m , 9 9 – 1 0 2

use of authority and, 8 9 – 9 0C o n flict scale, c o n flict

resolution and, 7 7 – 7 8C o n flict trash cere m o ny, 6 4 – 6 5C o n fl i c t s

a n a ly z i n g, 2 0 – 2 2beliefs rega rd i n g, 1 0 – 1 1causes of. S e e C o n flict causescost of , 2d e fi n e d, 1as destru c t ive vs. constru c t ive

fo rc e s , 1 0 – 1 1growth of, 4 , 6 – 7 , 8h a n d l i n g, 2 – 3identifying parties to, 1 7 – 1 8identifying sources of, 1 4 – 1 7l e a rning fro m , 9 9 – 1 0 3n a m i n g. S e e Naming confl i c t sphases of (illus.), 3 – 1 0p revention of, 5 9 – 6 5reactions to. S e e C o n fl i c t

re a c t i o n sresolution of. S e e C o n fl i c t

re s o l u t i o nC o re va l u e s , i d e n t i f y i n g, 4 6 – 4 7C o s t , of confl i c t s , 2C ry i n g, as reaction to confl i c t ,

2 8C u l t u re, as cause of confl i c t s ,

5 3 , 5 4

D e fe n s ive n e s s , as reaction toc o n fl i c t , 2 7 – 2 8

D ive rs i o n , as reaction toc o n fl i c t , 2 8

I n d ex

1 1 1

E x p e c t at i o n sas cause of confl i c t s , 1 , 3 6 ,

4 1 , 4 2 , 5 0 – 5 3cl a ri f y i n g, 5 1 – 5 3c o n flict prevention and, 6 3

Fi g h t i n gc o n flict resolution and, 7 4 – 7 6as reaction to conf l i c t , 2 8

Fo rce field analy s i s , c o n fl i c tresolution and, 6 8 – 7 2

G e n d e r, as cause of confl i c t s ,3 6 , 5 5

G e n e rational issues, as cause ofc o n fl i c t s , 5 5

G roup development model,c o n flict and, 9 9

G rowing up diffe re n t ly, as causeof confl i c t s , 3 6 , 4 2 , 5 3 ,5 4 – 5 6

G row t h , of confl i c t , 4 , 6 – 7 , 8G u i d e l i n e s

for fighting fa i rly, 7 5 – 7 6t e a m , 5 3 , 5 4 , 1 0 0 , 1 0 2

I g n o ring confl i c t , c o n flict resolution and, 8 6 – 8 7 , 9 6

I n fo rm at i o nas cause of confl i c t s , 3 5 ,4 1 ,4 8c o n flict prevention and, 6 3

K n ow l e d geas cause of confl i c t s , 3 5 ,4 1 , 4 8c o n flict prevention and, 6 3

L a n g u age, in conflict situat i o n s ,2 8

L e a rned behav i o rs , c o n fl i c treactions as, 2 4 – 2 5

Listening skills, c o n flict resolution and, 7 8 – 8 2

M e d i at i o n , in confl i c tre s o l u t i o n , 7 6 , 7 8 – 8 2

M e d i at o r, c o n flict re s o l u t i o na n d, 1 0 , 8 2 – 8 6

Naming confl i c t s , 13. See alsoC o n flict causes

c o n flict ch a rt , 1 4 – 1 7 , 2 0 – 2 2c o n flict log, 1 7 – 2 2

N ego t i at i o n , c o n flict re s o l u t i o na n d, 9 0 – 9 1 , 9 5 , 9 6

Pat t e rns of confl i c tidentifying in conf l i c t s ,

2 0 – 2 2identifying to preve n t

c o n fl i c t , 5 9 – 6 0Pe rc ep t i o n s

as cause of confl i c t s , 3 5 , 4 2 ,4 6 – 4 8

c o n flict prevention and, 6 3P h a s e s , of conflicts (illus.),

3 – 1 0P hysical effe c t s , of confl i c t s ,

2 5 – 2 7P hysical needs, as cause of

c o n fl i c t s , 3 4 , 4 3P reve n t i o n , of confl i c t , 5 9 – 6 5

I n d ex

1 1 2

P ro blem-solving method, o fc o n flict re s o l u t i o n , 9 7

R a c e,as cause of confl i c t s ,5 3 , 5 4R e fl e c t i o n , on confl i c t , 5 , 1 0 ,

9 9 – 1 0 3Resolution of conflict. S e e

C o n flict re s o l u t i o nR e t re at , f rom confl i c t , 4Role model, for conflict

re s o l u t i o n , 1 0 2

S e l f - i n t e re s t , c o n flict re s o l u t i o na n d, 7 2 – 7 4

Sentence stems, for eva l u at i n gc o n fl i c t s , 1 0 1 – 1 0 2

Settlement of conflict. S e eC o n flict re s o l u t i o n

Smoothing ove rc o n flict resolution and,

8 8 – 8 9 , 9 6as reaction to conf l i c t , 2 8

S o u rc e s , of confl i c t , 1 4 – 1 7

S t y l e s , of conflict re a c t i o n s ,2 7 – 2 9

Team conflict re s o l u t i o n , 9 9 – 1 0 2Team guidelines, 5 3 ,5 4

c o n flict resolution and, 1 0 0 ,1 0 2Th i rd part y, c o n flict re s o l u t i o n

a n d, 1 0 , 7 6 , 7 8 – 8 6Ti m i n g, c o n flict resolution and, 8 7

Unmet needs and wa n t sas cause of confl i c t s , 1 , 3 4 ,

4 1 , 4 2 , 4 3 – 4 4c o n flict prevention and, 6 2

Va l u e sas cause of confl i c t s , 3 4 – 3 5 ,

4 4 – 4 7c o n flict prevention and, 6 2

Wait and see, c o n flict phase, 4 ,7 – 8

Willingness to deal withc o n fl i c t , 3 6 – 3 7 , 5 6 – 5 7

Lois B. Hart ,E d. D.10951 Isabelle Road, L a fayette CO 80026

3 0 3 - 6 6 6 - 4 0 4 6 Fax 303-666-4074 E-mail ihart @ s e q n e t . n e t

Lois B. Hart , E d. D. is President of Leadership Dynamics, a no rga n i z ation that offe rs wo rk s h o p s , i n d ividual coach i n g, fa c i l i-t at i o n , o rga n i z ational consulting, and pro fessional books. Sheis founder and Director of the Wo m e n ’s Leadership Insitute, au n i q u e, ye a r-long program of mentori n g, c o a ch i n g, and tra i n i n gfor exe c u t ive wo m e n .

D r. Hart and her associates offer programs on leaders h i p ,fa c i l i t at i o n , team deve l o p m e n t , c o n fl i c t , c o m mu n i c at i o n s ,customer serv i c e, and tra i n - t h e - t rainer skills.

Lois has over 27 ye a rs of tra i n i n g, o rga n i z ational deve l o p -m e n t , c o a ch i n g, and public education ex p e ri e n c e. She haswo rked with many pro fessionals who want to be eff e c t ivel e a d e rs , fa c i l i t at o rs , and tra i n e rs. Leadership Dynamics off e rst raining and consulting to medical and public orga n i z at i o n s ,bu s i n e s s e s , gove rnmental age n c i e s , and associations that arei n t e rested in the development of their leaders and employe e s .Her clients include St. Jo s ep h ’s Hospital, M e m o rial Hospital

1 1 3

AB O U T T H E AU T H O R

The Manager’s Po c ket Guide to Employee Relat i o n s

1 1 4

in Colorado Spri n g s , R apid City Regional Hospital,Washington (DC) Hospital, and Kaiser Pe rm a n e n t e. She isc o n s i s t e n t ly praised for how practical her programs are.

D r. Hart earned a B. S. from the Unive rsity of Roch e s t e r, a nM . S. from Syracuse Unive rsity and Ed. D. from the Unive rs i t yof Massachusetts. Her studies included orga n i z ational behav i o rand leadership development with Dr. Kenneth Blanch a rd,co-author of The One Minute Manage r and Gung Ho!

Lois has written 21 books and tap e s , i n cluding 50 A c t iv i t i e sfor Developing Leaders , M oving Up! Women and Leaders h i p ,Faultless Fa c i l i t at i o n—A Resource Guide a n d I n s t ru c t o r ’sM a nu a l, and L e a rning From Confl i c t.

the manager's pocket guide to dealing with conflict (manager's pocket guide series)

Documents