the monkey massacre

8/2/2019 The Monkey Massacre

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THE MONKEY MASSACRE

By Matthew Johnson

[OPENING CREDITS]

EXT. UNKNOWN ALLEYWAY, NIGHT

A montage of close-up shots shows various pieces of the

aftermath of a murder a bloodstained banana peel, a

bloody knife, etc. The last of these shots shows the

silhouette of a stuffed gorilla, Carlos, standing over a

dead body and lit from behind by a running cars

headlights. The camera zooms into his silhouette.

CUT TO BLACK.

EXT. SEPULVEDA NEAR LAX, NIGHT

LAXs multi-colored light towers glow in the sky, and the

camera tilts down. A car drives past the camera and towards

the Sepulveda tunnel.

The car follows the camera through the tunnel.

INT. JOES CAR, NIGHT

Joe, a man wearing pointlessly dark sunglasses, is driving

with a look of determination. The lights from the LAX

tunnel illuminate his face.

EXT. TORRANCE CROSSROADS PARKING LOT, NIGHT

The car pulls into the lot, speeding past rows of parked

cars. It pulls into a parking spot and stops.

The door opens and Joe steps out, removing his sunglasses

and looking straight ahead in awe.

He is then shown to be standing in front of an In-N-Out

Burger restaurant. He walks towards the entrance.

INT. IN-N-OUT, NIGHT

A slow-motion montage of shots shows Joe ordering food and

picking it up from the counter once it is ready. As the

slow motion continues, he sits down and raises the burger


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to his open mouth. Just as hes about to take a bite, his

cell phone goes off, restoring real-time motion.

Frustrated, Joe throws down the burger and reaches for his

phone.

JOE

Oh, for the love of God, what is it now?

He checks the text message and stares in awe at his phone.

The text, from a blocked number, reads, Dude, your house

is on fire.

JOE

Aww crap!

Joe jumps out of his seat as he says this and runs out the

door.

EXT. JOES HOUSE, NIGHT

Joe pulls up to his house, stops and jumps out of his car.

He begins running towards the house, but quickly stops and

sighs, clearly annoyed.

His house is unharmed with no smoke or fire to be seen. The

text seems to have been a prank.

JOEYouve gotta be freakin kidding me.

Joe walks up to his house to make sure everything is all

right. As he gets to the front door, he realizes that its

been left cracked open by someone other than himself.

He cautiously walks inside.

INT. JOES HOUSE, NIGHT

Joe checks around the house for intruders or signs oftheft. He quickly looks under a bed, in the fridge, and

even inside the toilet. After searching most of the house,

he comes upon the downstairs storage room, which has its

door wide open with a banana peel sitting in front of it.

He cautiously walks inside and turns on a single lightbulb,

which only lights a small portion of the room. Suddenly,


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the door slowly closes on its own. Joe hears this this and

immediately turns around.

JOE

Aww hell no! Ive seen WAY too many horror movies to fall

for that one.

He walks out of the room, checks behind the door, and

shrugs as he walks back into the living room. Suddenly, his

phone rings with George Michaels Careless Whisper as the

ringtone. He flinches when it starts up, but calmly takes

out his phone. The caller ID is blocked. Joe answers it.

JOE

Is this the same punk who sent me that text?

There is only silence.

JOE

Hello? Listen close, kid. Think you can get away with this?

NOT ON MY WATCH!! If you EVER pull this crap again Ill--

Suddenly a faint noise comes in on the other end. Joe can

only hear strange noises through a fair amount of static.

JOE

Huh? Hello?

The static and strange noises only continue. After a shorttime they begin to sound like monkey chatter, but theyre

too quiet to truly make out. The static grows louder and so

do the monkey noises, but not by much.

After a few more seconds, the line goes silent. About a

second later, a blood-curdling screech is heard both

through the phone and in the room, and Joe jumps, dropping

the phone. As this happens, the power goes out. He is left

in pitch-black darkness.

Joe fumbles around for a flashlight, breathing heavily andincredibly disturbed. He turns on the flashlight and slowly

looks around the room, shaking all the while.

As he hears a few sudden shifting noises, he whirls around,

trying to find the source of them. During a couple of these

whirls his flashlight shines upon Carlos, but he does not

take notice of the gorilla sitting in his living room. A


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few seconds later, he is grabbed violently from behind. He

screams as he spins around and the flashlight illuminates

Carlos face near his for a split second.

CUT TO BLACK.

[TITLE CARD: THE MONKEY MASSACRE]

EXT. JOES HOUSE, DAY

An investigation has begun at the house, with yellow

caution tape all over. An undercover cop car pulls up to

the house and parks. Officer Quinn steps out and walks

inside.

INT. JOES HOUSE, DAY

Detective Rajani stands over Joes dead body, taking photos

of the crime scene. The room is in disarray, with furniture

and objects thrown around everywhere. Officer Quinn walks

in.

QUINN

What the hell happened to this guy? It looks like Rosie

ODonnell passed gas in here.

RAJANI

All I know is that these wounds werent inflicted by a

human. Theyre too deep and messy. Even weirder: This isour only potential evidence.

Officer Rajani holds up a banana peel. Quinn stares for a

second, smirks, and chuckles as he begins speaking.

QUINN

Detective, homicide is not Blues Clues. Whaddya think? The

banana came to life and mauled this dude?

RAJANI

Are you telling me you didnt hear about the monkey?

QUINN

What monkey?

RAJANI

This monkey.


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Detective Rajani hands Officer Quinn a newspaper clipping.

The headline reads Gorilla escapes from zoo alongside a

photograph of Carlos. Quinn takes a look at it skeptically.

QUINN

First of all, this is about a gorilla, not a monkey

RAJANI

Same thing!

QUINN

Not even close. And second of all, why would a gorilla,

finally free to roam the vast wilds of the earth, decide to

break into this poor fellashome and do THIS to him?

RAJANI

Well, I dunno, but its just um uh

QUINN

Exactly. We dont have a killer gorilla on our hands, I

guarantee it. Now get back to work and find us some

evidence! I dont wanna have to call in Dexter, dude creeps

me out.

Detective Rajani sighs nervously as Officer Quinn walks

out, and he returns to taking pictures.

INT. DETECTIVE RAJANIS HOUSE, NIGHT

Rajani opens the front door and walks in, exhausted and

with wracked nerves. He throws down his gear and grabs a

beer from the fridge. Finally, he sits down and lets out a

sigh as he turns on the television.

A commercial for Jack in the Boxs Mini Buffalo Ranch

Chicken Sandwich comes to an end, and the television shows

Carlos sneaking around with a knife. Rajani becomes

terrified, sure that this is the same monkey that escaped

from the zoo and likely killed Joe. Eventually, Carlos

stabs someone to death, and Rajani freaks out, convincedthat hes just somehow witnessed the gorillas next murder.

After this first murder, the TV quickly shows a montage of

Carlos doing menacing things re-enacting the Heres

Johnny! scene from The Shining, wearing a black hoodie and

hitting someone with a spoon, and even pushing a button and

blowing up Disneyland (terrible special effects utilized


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here). Rajani winces and becomes progressively more

terrified with each event.

Suddenly, the voice of Chuck Testa comes in.

CHUCK TESTA

You probably thought this terrifyingly antagonistic gorilla

was alive. Nope. Its dead. Its been taxidermized by Chuck

Testa.

Chuck Testa walks into the frame, holding Carlos like a

stuffed animal. Rajani is relieved. The commercial

continues to advertise Ojai Valley Taxidermy as he sits

back and finally relaxes, when suddenly the TV shorts out

and turns off.

RAJANI

Oh come on!

He attempts to turn the TV back on but fails to do so.

Frustrated, Rajani plops himself back onto the couch and

stares blankly ahead, sipping his beer. Something then

catches his attention. He looks more closely as he sits up

curiously.

In the window he sees an unidentifiable figure pacing from

side to side, coming in and out of the windows view.

RAJANIHello?

There is no answer, and the figure simply continues pacing.

RAJANI

Whos there? Im with LAPD!

Nothing changes. Rajani takes a gulp and gets nervous. His

voice gets quieter and less confident.

RAJANIhello?

After a couple more paces, the figure exits the windows

view on the right and suddenly paces back to the left, but

this time on the inside of the house. Its Carlos. He

stops, turns to face Rajani, and lunges at him. Rajani

freaks out as he is attacked.


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CUT TO BLACK.

INT. CREEPY EMPTY ROOM, NIGHT

The camera slowly comes into focus, symbolizing Rajanis

returning consciousness. He sits up and looks around,

confused. He is in a nondescript room, which is dimly lit

and mostly empty aside from an unknown object hidden under

a sheet.

He stands up and looks for a way out, but the only door is

locked and wont budge. He decides to see whats under the

sheet; its an old TV. He turns it on.

At first, theres only static. Rajani smacks the TV a few

times, and the static begins to clear up. As it does, there

are a few split-second flashes of various programs mixed

with the static, including My Little Pony and the Max

Headroom signal intrusion.

After a few seconds the static fades, showing Carlos up

close, looking at something out of frame. After a few

seconds, Carlos slowly turns to face the camera. He starts

to chatter menacingly.

RAJANI

What? I cant understand that!

Carlos stops talking for a moment, and then looks down.

INT. CARLOS HIDEOUT, NIGHT

We see the place from which Carlos is broadcasting himself,

and he is facing a large panel of buttons and switches. On

these are various labels, including DEADLY NEUROTOXIN,

PONIES, CONFETTI, TWILIGHT, FRIDAY, IM LOVIN IT, and

SUBTITLES. Carlos seems to be looking for the subtitles

button, as he is new to this control panel.

INT. CREEPY EMPTY ROOM, NIGHT

Detective Rajani sits confusedly, when suddenly Rebecca

Blacks Friday plays for a moment and turns off abruptly.

A second later, a pathetically small burst of confetti

comes down from the ceiling, some of which hits Rajani in

the face. It is accompanied by an out of tune party blower


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sound. He brushes it off of him as Carlos grunts and gets

frustrated. A few seconds pass and the grunting stops.

Carlos turns to face the camera and starts chattering

again.

CARLOS (subtitles)

Hello, Mr. Rajani. I want to play a game.

Rajani sits down nervously and starts taking things more

seriously.

CARLOS (subtitles)

For years, you have to chosen to indulge in needlessly

high-quality foods. Foods that have cost you, and more

importantly your friends, a pretty penny. Your obsession

with maintaining a high standard of eating has sucked the

financial life out of everyone you socialize with. Its

time to learn the value of the value menu.

RAJANI

Oh come on! I never FORCED anyone to

CARLOS (screeching, subtitled)

SHUT UP!!

Rajani flinches and shuts his mouth.

CARLOS (subtitled)

You will not be leaving this room until I feel youvelearned your lesson. This lesson begins with a simple box.

A McDonalds Happy Meal box falls from an unseen opening in

the ceiling, landing in front of Rajani. He stares at it in

disbelief, then faces the television and gestures his

disgust, responding like Derek Zoolander upon seeing the

small-scale mock-up of his proposed learning center.

RAJANI

What IS this???

CARLOS (subtitled)

The keys to your salvation: a cheeseburger, French fries,

and my favorite part, a fun toy. The rules are simple.

Consume the food in front of you and you shall be released.

If your elitist attitude prevents you from doing so, you

shall remain in here, rotting alongside your meal.


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RAJANI

But Im allergic to beef! I cant eat that crap; Ill die!

He stares, terrified, at Carlos for a few seconds.

CARLOS (subtitled)

live or die; make your choice. Let the game begin.

The TV turns itself off. A loud buzzer goes off,

accompanied by a red siren light that begins spinning.

Rajani sits there, worried for a moment, then stands up and

checks his pockets. Much to his surprise, he still has his

iPhone on him. He pulls it out.

RAJANI

Aha! Siri, call Turquoise.

SIRI

Calling Turquoise

The phone rings a few times and a server picks up.

SERVER

Thank you for calling Turquoise, how can I help you?

RAJANI

Id like to order a meal for delivery, please.

SERVEROkay, what would you like?

RAJANI

Ill have the broiled halibut with white wine sauce and

cilantro brown rice.

SERVER

Will that be all?

RAJANI

Yep.

SERVER

Okay, and whats your address?

RAJANI

Just a second.


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Rajani puts the call on hold and goes to the Maps app to

find his current location, repeatedly mumbling current

location to himself. Upon doing so, he realizes that he

only has 1% battery left. He begins to freak out and

quickly finds his location, then gets back on the call.

RAJANI

Okay, hello? hello? Hello?!

His phones battery has died. Rajani stares at it for a

moment as his expression turns to despair. He drops the

phone and falls to his knees.

RAJANI

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rajani starts twitching and going insane. After a moment,

he lunges for the happy meal box and rips it apart,

throwing its contents everywhere. He grabs the burger and

takes a bite. As he chews, he begins screaming and crying.

After a series of quick cuts of him eating the food, we

suddenly see him lying dead on the floor, covered in blood

and grease.

A moment later, a small, unidentified monkey rides into the

room on a tricycle, wearing a Saw Billy doll mask. It stops

near Rajanis dead body and sings an off-key version of the

McDonalds Im lovin it jingle.

CUT TO BLACK.

INT. LONG HALLWAY, NIGHT

Carlos walks determinedly down a long apartment hallway.

INT. BATHROOM, NIGHT

A woman appears to be preparing to shower. She grabs a

towel and turns on the water.

INT. LONG HALLWAY, NIGHT

Carlos comes upon an unlocked door and opens it.

INT. BATHROOM, NIGHT


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The woman (off-screen) removes her clothes and throws them

into a pile on screen. Suddenly, we see Carlos peeking

through the cracked bathroom door. He slowly opens the door

as we hear the woman get into the shower. He is holding a

knife.

Carlos slowly walks toward the shower curtain, raising the

knife in preparation for the kill. Just as hes about to

fling open the curtain, he stops and puts down the knife.

Instead, he reaches over and flushes the toilet. As he

walks out, the woman freaks out about the sudden change in

temperature. After a moment, she calms down as the water

returns to its normal temperature. No harm has been done.

EXT. RALPHS PARKING LOT, NIGHT

DJ gets out of his car and walks towards the entrance of

Ralphs.

INT. RALPHS, NIGHT

DJ grabs a shopping cart and goes shopping. A montage of

shots shows him grabbing items such as Spongebob macaroni

and cheese, Capn Crunch, and other assorted stuff

including bananas.

He goes to check out using the self-checkout machine. It

gives him trouble, asking him to remove items from the

checkout area and put them back, as its sensors are glitchyand dont work correctly. After a few frustrated attempts,

he finally pays for his food and walks out with it all in

his cart.

EXT. RALPHS PARKING LOT, NIGHT

DJ walks out and stops shortly outside of the doors to have

one of his bananas. We see that Carlos is watching from a

dark corner. Just as hes about to eat the banana, he

notices that its rotten. He acts disgusted and then throws

the banana away, shrugging as he does so.

As DJ turns to face ahead again, Carlos is sitting in front

of him, holding a knife. DJ looks confused and does not

react.

Carlos screeches and goes after DJ. DJ freaks out and

starts running away with his shopping cart, jumping on the


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bottom railing and riding it like a scooter. As he does so,

Carlos jumps into a nearby kids car shopping cart and

starts driving after DJ.

EXT. BACK ALLEY, NIGHT

The two come flying into the back alley behind Ralphs and

the chase continues down the alley. Eventually, DJs cart

loses control and sends him flying. The cart falls over and

spills food everywhere as DJ slams into the ground. Hes

too shocked to pick himself back up and start running.

Carlos continues speeding towards him as he whimpers and

starts breaking down.

Just as Carlos is about to run into DJ with the cart, a

dark figure comes from out of nowhere and stops Carlos

cart. DJ looks shocked and relieved at the same time.

The figure, lit by headlights from behind and only a

silhouette to us, grabs Carlos and ties him up, then slowly

walks towards DJ. His silhouette shows the shape of a

Batman mask.

DJ

B-Batman? BATMAN!!! OH MY GOODNESS THANK YOU SO MUCH I

CANT BELI

The figure comes into a brighter light. It turns out to be

an overweight man in a poorly made Batman costume thatbarely fits him. His name is Josh. He awkwardly stumbles

over his words as if he hadnt spoken in months.

JOSH

All in a days work, citizen.

DJ stares confusedly at Josh, now aware that he is not in

fact Batman. Josh stares back awkwardly for a moment before

taking up his too-small cape and partially covering his

face.

JOSH

I AM THE NIGHT!

Josh takes Carlos and runs off toward the car, making

childish whooshing noises as he does. DJ looks both

confused and disappointed.


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DJ

I feel violated.

INT. JOSHS CARS TRUNK, NIGHT

Josh opens the trunk and excitedly stuffs Carlos inside. He

closes the trunk.

INT. JOSHS CAR, NIGHT

Josh jumps into the car and puts on his seatbelt.

Josh

DUDE THAT WAS SO EPIC!!! Ive always wanted to fight

crime!! Best. Day. Ever.

Josh turns on the engine and puts the car into drive.

EXT. NEARBY STREET, NIGHT

Joshs car comes flying around a corner, screeching and

being driven poorly. He speeds down the street past the

camera.


Josh is driving with LMFAOs Sexy and I Know It blasting

from his speakers. Hes dancing and singing along poorly.

INT. PETERs HOUSE, NIGHT

Peter, an unshaven nerdy man, is sitting with poor posture

on his couch in a bathrobe. Various bits of trash, food,

and other junk litter the room around him. Hes eating a

bowl of cereal and watching television, including the Look

at that horse infomercial, the Hash Slinging Slasher

Spongebob episode, and the Gorilla vs. Luggage

commercial. The phone begins ringing, but he continues

watching TV and eating, ignoring it for a few seconds.

Finally, he sighs frustratedly and picks up the phone.

PETER

Yello?


JOSH


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Peter! Its Josh! Youre never gonna believe what just

happened! Im comin to your house!

INT. PETERS HOUSE, NIGHT

PETER

Whoa whoa whoa, slow down. Whats the problem?


JOSH

I just dealt out some justice! Ive got this homicidal

gorilla and Ive gotta do something with it!


PETER

Well dont bring it here! Im not even frickin jokin with

you, do not be bringing some dirty stinkin ape into my

pristine abode!

As Peter says this, the camera jump cuts to show a larger

view of the room, which is completely messy and out of

order.


JOSH

No choice. My wife sure aint letting me come home tonightafter spendin 5000 bucks on this Comic-Con outfit!


PETER

Well what the hell do you plan on doing with the ape?!


JOSH

Gonna interrogate the thing! Im livin the life of asuperhero, baby!


PETER

Fool, you aint the Dark Knight! Just take it to some back

alley or something!


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JOSH

Not happening. See you in a second!


PETER

Josh, youre out of your mind! You hear me? You hear me?!

Hello?

Suddenly Peter hears a car screeching from outside. He

jumps up and throws the phone down, then runs over to the

front door and flings it open.

Josh speeds up to his house, nearly crashing in the

process. Peter throws his hands up in disbelief as he

watches. Josh jumps out of the car, grabbing Carlos. Peter

runs outside.

EXT. PETERS HOUSE, NIGHT

PETER

Have you lost your freakin mind?! How many times do I have

to tell you, no pets allowed!!

JOSH

Dude, the landlord will never know.

Josh starts carrying Carlos towards the front door but

Peter tries stopping him, poorly.

PETER

HEY!! HEY HEY HEY!! ARE YOU DEAF?! YOU ARE NOT BRINGING

THIS FILTHY ANIMAL INTO MY HOUSE!!

JOSH

Peter, chill! Tell me the truth, have you EVER wanted to

fight crime?

PETER

Yeah, but you dont have

JOSH

But nothing! Just this once, bro.


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Peter sighs loudly, then gives up.

PETER

Whatever. Just dont get monkey crap on my new carpet.

JOSH

Sweet!!

Josh runs with Carlos past Peter, who remains standing

outside shaking his head impatiently.

INT. BACK ROOM OF PETERS HOUSE, NIGHT

Carlos sits in a chair in the mostly dark room, only lit by

the lamp on the table in front of him. As he stares ahead

blankly, we hear Josh giggling to himself from the

darkness.

We now see the back of Carlos as he stares into the

darkness where Josh is standing, preparing to interrogate

the gorilla.

JOSH

Hehehe, this is gonna be so sweet!! Okay, okay

Josh clears his throat and stops giggling as the camera

stares into Carlos blank eyes. Suddenly, the lights turn

on and Josh slams Carlos head into the table.

JOSH

WHY DO YOU WANNA KILL ME?!

Carlos sits back in his normal position in the seat, silent

and motionless.

JOSH

Not gonna talk, huh

Josh walks over to the other side of the table and takes a

seat in the chair. As he screams his next line, voicecracking, he slams his fist into the table.

JOSH

WHERES HARVEY DENT?!


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Immediately after delivering the line, Josh caresses his

hand and quietly winces in pain, having clearly pounded too

hard on the table. Carlos says and does nothing.

JOSH

Still aint talkin Well how about NOW?

Josh pulls out a bag of Doritos and shakes it tauntingly in

front of Carlos, who does not react. He opens the bag and

stuffs some chips into his mouth.

JOSH

Mmm I LOVE CHEESE! These cheesy, crunchy tortilla chips

are so delicious I bet youd do anything for just one

Carlos does not react. Josh gets frustrated and shoves more

into his mouth.

JOSH

How about now?

Nothing. Josh, almost ready to snap, greedily shoves a

bunch of chips into his mouth, crumpling the bag and

spilling crumbs everywhere as he does, as well as getting

cheese all over his face. He stares at Carlos with anannoyed look for a few seconds, covered in Dorito residue

and looking ridiculous. Carlos stays put.

JOSH

WHY YOU LITTLE...

Josh jumps to his feet and angrily flips the table between

them (in slow motion). After it lands on the floor upside

down or on its side, he stands still staring furiously at

Carlos.

JOSH

If you dont start talking RIGHT NOW, IM GONNA--

Josh is stopped mid-sentence as he starts to choke on

Doritos. After a few seconds straining, he falls over dead.

Carlos turns and stares at his lifeless body for a few

seconds.


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INT. PETERS LIVING ROOM, NIGHT

Peter is still sitting, watching TV. Carlos walks into the

room alone and passes him, going out the front door.

PETER

Good riddance.

Carlos immediately comes back and throws a banana at Peter,

who flinches and overreacts. Carlos leaves.


Carlos gets inside Joshs car, which still has the keys in

the ignition. He looks over and notices a CD folder on the

seat. He picks it up.

Carlos looks through a few of the discs, some of which are

labeled Justin Bieber, Nickelback, and Josh Wylde. He

throws these angrily away, and then finally stops on one

labeled SLAYER. He puts it into the CD player and turns the

key.

As the song Raining Blood starts, we see various shots of

Carlos getting ready to drive off.

EXT. JOSHS CAR, NIGHT

As the thunder just before the first fast riff goes off, we

see an incredibly cheesy flash of lightning outside of the

car. Once the riff begins, Carlos speeds off wildly.

We see a montage of Carlos speeding by, driving recklessly,

and hitting at least one person.

INT. CHURCH SANCTUARY, NIGHT

We see a large cross hanging on the wall of the dimly lit

sanctuary. The camera tilts down to show a church pastorsitting and studying his Bible. We hear the sound of the

church doors opening and he calmly looks up.

DJ walks up to the pastor.

PASTOR

Hello, may I be of service to you?


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DJ

Yes. Im desperately in need of prayer.

PASTOR

Well weve got plenty of that! What for?

DJ

Well I believe my life is in danger. Serious danger.

The pastor takes off his glasses, sits up and leans in,

looking deadly serious and concerned now.

PASTOR

Son, first of all, you need to know: as long as you follow

the Lord, your path is safe, whether in this life or the

next. But of course, not many of us wish to be done with

this one just yet, and thus, I completely understand and

sympathize with your fear. Now, what exactly do you feel is

the danger?

DJ

A monkey is stalking me and wants my life.

The pastor pauses, sighs in disbelief, and then hesitantly

responds.

PASTOR

Son, this is a place for worship, not tomfoolery. Nowseriously, what are you worried about?

DJ

The monkey.

PASTOR

Okay, thats enough joking s

DJ, wide-eyed, grabs the pastor and stares straight into

his eyes.

DJ

IT WANTS MY SOUL.

DJ lets go of the pastor, who now appears annoyed and

impatient. The pastor sits for a moment, thinking.

PASTOR


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Alright, son. While this all sounds like some sort of

evolutionary joke, youll be in my prayers. Your safety is

guaranteed

The pastors last sentence is somewhat sarcastic, but it

flies over DJs head.

DJ

Thank you SO much, Pastor. I feel better already!

PASTOR

Good. Now you wait here, Im just gonna go to the office

and get you some reading materials. Should make you feel

even better. Be right back.

DJ

Alrighty!

The pastor leaves the room and DJ is left sitting alone and

content. One shot later, DJ is fast asleep. After a few

seconds he jolts awake and realizes that the pastor still

hasnt returned. He gets up and goes to check on him.

Upon turning the corner out of the room, he finds the

pastor dead in a gruesome position.

DJ

JESUS CHRIST!!

DJ runs back into the sanctuary, hoping to escape through

the front doors, but finds Carlos sitting at the end of the

aisle near the door. He stops immediately and turns back,

going for the other exit, but finds it suddenly locked. As

he struggles with the door, Carlos comes closer and closer.

He gives up and falls to the ground whimpering and

screaming. Just as Carlos is about to reach DJ, he stops,

turns around, and runs back out the front doors.

DJ

Huh?

Cautiously, DJ gets up and walks towards the front doors.

Just as hes about to reach them, he notices a banana peel

lying on the ground in the hallway next to him. Curious, he

follows it, and finds a trail of banana peels leading

through the church.


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Finally, the peels end at the top of the stairwell leading

to the eagles nest, which is closed. DJ looks around,

gulps, and opens the door.

INT. CARLOS LAIR, NIGHT

DJ slowly walks inside to find that the eagles nest has

been turned into Carlos lair, full of bananas, knives,

photographs of his victims, creepy dolls, Gertrude the Cow,

and various other things. He walks over to the table in the

room and finds something sitting on it. He picks it up and

looks at it more closely.

DJ

Oh my God.

He is holding a map of Disneys California Adventure, which

has various Xs and notes written on it. Attached are

diagrams and other such things, including a list of parts,

a photo of a balcony at the Grand Californian Hotel labeled

FRONT ROW SEATS and a large, circled date and time:

3/3/12, 10:15 PM.

DJ looks at his watch as his eyes widen and his jaw drops.

EXT. MIKES HOUSE, NIGHT

We see the peaceful, quiet front lawn of Mikes house,looking out from the porch. Suddenly, we hear a car

screeching, and DJ screaming hysterically.

DJ

MICHAEL!!!

DJ speeds into the driveway, jumps out of the car, and runs

over to the front door. He knocks on it rapidly.

After a few seconds of DJ fidgeting and jumping around,

Mike opens the door, annoyed.

MIKE

What?

DJ immediately screams his response, speaking so fast

theres barely space between his words.


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DJ

A MONKEYS GONNA BLOW UP DISNEYLAND IN AN HOUR WE GOTTA GO

STOP HIM COME ON COME ON HELP ME NOW PLEASE!!!

Mike stares blankly at him for a few seconds and then

closes the door.

DJ rapidly knocks on the door again.

DJ

MICHAEL I HAVE PROOF!! YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME!!!

Mike opens the door, looking annoyed and impatient.

MIKE

Show me.

DJ pulls out Carlos map, with labels and everything, and

hands it to Mike. Mike stares at it, unconvinced for a few

seconds.

MIKE

Dude, you probably just got drunk last night and made this

as a prank to scare your sober self with later.

DJ

Oh come on! Since when have I ever done anything like that?

MIKEWhen you got hammered and made a box of Cinnamon Toast

Crunch look like it had plans to assassinate your hamster.

The next day you called the cops on it and got fined for

911 abuse.

DJ

Okay well this is different!

MIKE

Sure.

DJ

Fine, if you dont believe me, Ill just go save the

happiest place on earth myself!

DJ starts running frantically back towards his car, but

Mike stops him, frustrated.


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MIKE

DJ, wait!

DJ

What?!

MIKE

If you just HAVE to go, Im going with you. Im not letting

you get into trouble again.

DJ

OH MY GOSH THANK YOU MICHAEL!!

MIKE

Yeah sure whatever. Im just waiting to say I told you so

They get into the car and speed off.

INT. DJS CAR, NIGHT

DJ is driving with motivation while Mike sits around,

bored.

MIKE

So how are you planning on finding this monkey again?

DJ

Remember that hotel balcony we used to watch World of Color

from for free? Hes gonna watch the destruction from there.

MIKE

(sarcastically)

Well isnt that convenient? The one place the monkey is

hiding is the one place at Disneyland we can get to for

free. Doesnt sound very sneaky to me.

DJ

Who cares? We gotta stop him, and Ive got the perfect

thing for it.

DJ pulls out a pair of nunchuks. Mike stares disapprovingly

at him for a moment.

DJ

What?

MIKE


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Like youre gonna get nunchuks past Disneyland security.

DJ

(sigh) Youre probably right...

DJ throws the nunchuks over his shoulder into the back of

the car.

MIKE

Come on, DJ, you really gottaWAIT!!

Mike becomes excited and wide-eyed, pointing ahead of the

car. DJ looks confused for a moment, then notices what

Mikes pointing at.

Theyre about to pass a Krispy Kreme.

MIKE AND DJ

(simultaneously)

LETS GO!!

INT. KRISPY KREME, NIGHT

DJ and Mike excitedly rush through the doors and run up to

the area where they can see donuts being freshly made.

DJ

Oh it smells so delightful in here!

MIKE

It smells like Jesus!

DJ and Mike stare at the machinery, hypnotized by the

slowly moving donuts.

We then see them sitting down at a table with a closed box

full of donuts, both wearing Krispy Kreme hats.

MIKE

Oh man.

DJ

Here we go

They slowly open the box as light pours out from the inside

onto their faces. They look amazed and blissful. Mike

slowly removes a donut from the box and stares at it close


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up. They both watch as he carefully takes a bite, and chews

it in ecstasy. DJ becomes way too excited and reaches for

his own.

We see a slow motion, dream-like montage of the two eating

donuts without a care in the world, with Gerry Raffertys

Baker Street playing in the background.

Suddenly, the music and slow motion stop and we see them

eating donuts like slobs. After a very short moment, DJ

stops and turns to Mike, deadly serious. His mouth full of

donuts, he begins to freak out.

DJ

OH CRAP!!

MIKE

Huh?

DJ

WE GOTTA GO SAVE DISNEYLAND COME ON!!!

DJ spits out the donut and grabs Mike, forcing him to get

up while still eating. He grabs the box as hes pulled away

and they both run back to the car.

INT. DJS CAR, NIGHT

DJ is driving with donut glaze around his mouth as Mikecontinues eating in the passenger seat.

DJ

So whats the plan?

MIKE

You tell me! Im not the one who thinks a monkeys gonna go

jihad on Mickeys house!

DJ

Hmm

DJ continues driving while he thinks.

DJ

We go to the Grand Californian hotel. On the sixth floor is

the Paradise View Terrace, the balcony where the monkeys


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gonna be. At 10:15, he plans to set off the bomb. We get

there before then, and we destroy him at all costs.

MIKE

Sounds like front row seats to you breaking down over the

fact that you just trolled yourself. Im excited.

DJ

Hey, well see whos laughing when a monkey tries STABBING

YOU IN THE FACE!!

EXT. DISNEYLAND PARKING, NIGHT

DJs car drives by and pulls into the parking structure.

He pulls into a spot and stops the car. They both get out,

DJ looking extra determined.

DJ

Here we are

MIKE

Yyyyep.

DJ

What time is it?

Mike looks at his watch.

MIKE

10:01.

DJ

Crap, we gotta hurry!

The two run off.

INT. GRAND CALIFORNIAN HOTEL HALLWAY, NIGHT

Carlos turns a corner and begins walking down the hallway.

We see that hes wearing a backpack. After he passes, the

camera tilts up to show a sign pointing in the direction

hes walking, readingParadise View Terrace.

INT. MICKEY AND FRIENDS TRAM, NIGHT


27/32

DJ and Mike frantically get onto the tram. As the tram

starts moving, DJ gets nervous about how slowly it moves.

DJ

Come on, come on

DJ looks over to see Mike playing Angry Birds on his

iPhone, clearly uninterested in saving the resort from

destruction.

DJ

MICHAEL WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

MIKE

What?

DJ

WERE TRYING TO SAVE DISNEYLAND AND YOURE JUST SITTING

THERE, PLAYING ANGRY BIRDS!

MIKE

And youre being more productive how?

DJ

BY FOCUSING ALL OF MY MANA ON THE TASK AHEAD!

Mike holds back a laugh and shakes his head as he goes back

to playing Angry Birds.

EXT. DISNEYS CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE, NIGHT

A montage of shots shows various locales inside Disneys

California adventure, full of people having fun and unaware

of the danger.

EXT. PARADISE VIEW TERRACE, NIGHT

Carlos walks out onto the balcony and stops at the edge,

admiring the view of the park. He then takes off the

backpack, unzips it, and reaches inside.

EXT. DOWNTOWN DISNEY TRAM STATION, NIGHT

DJ and Mike get off the tram and DJ immediately starts

sprinting off. Mike, clearly not as enthusiastic, yells at

DJ.


28/32

MIKE

Whoa, slow down!

DJ abruptly stops, turns around, and freaks out at Mike.

DJ

MIKE, WHAT TIME IS IT?!

Mike looks at his watch.

MIKE

10:13. Youve got two minutes to (sarcastically) save the

world

Like Tourettes Guy, DJ nearly has a stroke as he spins

around and runs off hysterically, screaming.

DJ

HOLY CRAP!!!

Mike chortles to himself and lazily walks in the same

direction.


Carlos is holding the detonator. He slowly turns to face

the park and raises his other hand in preparation to push

the button.


DJ turns a corner and runs down the hallway, frantically

screaming and flailing his arms. He comes to a dead end and

realizes that hes gotten lost, suddenly becoming quiet. He

stands for a moment, looks to have regained his memory, and

runs off in the opposite direction, continuing to freak

out.


The camera zooms in towards Carlos eyes, reflecting the

lights of the park. His hand slowly inches closer to the

button.



29/32

We see various shots of DJ running around corners and down

hallways, frantically trying to find the terrace in time.


Carlos takes one last look at the park and pushes the

button. DJ is too late. However, nothing happens. After a

moment, Carlos pushes the button again. Nothing. Annoyed,

he smacks the detonator a few times, when suddenly, the

World of Color show starts.

After staring at the show for a few seconds, Carlos throws

down the detonator angrily. The back falls off to reveal

that he had forgotten to put batteries into it. Now

realizing what he has to do, Carlos reaches into the

backpack and takes out some batteries. He puts them into

the detonator and reaches for the button.

Suddenly, we hear DJs muffled screaming, and it is getting

louder. Carlos pauses and turns around.


DJ sprints past the Paradise View Terrace sign and towards

the door to the balcony.


DJ runs onto the balcony and finds the backpack anddetonator lying on the ground. Carlos is not in sight. DJ

kneels down to pick up the detonator, when suddenly Carlos

hits him in the head from behind. He falls to the ground

and begins to pass out. As we see DJs blurring point of

view, Carlos looms over him and chatters to him.

CARLOS

(subtitled)

When Disneyland is ashes you have my permission to die.

The shot blurs and fades to black as DJ passes out.

INT. GRAND CALIFORNIAN HOTEL ELEVATOR, NIGHT

Mike walks into the elevator and pushes the button. He

looks down and notices a scrap of paper on the floor. He

picks it up. On it is scribbled Meet me in room 237 at


30/32

midnight.


31/32

No homo, bro. Its cool.

MIKE

Ohhh! Alright, its cool.

They both hug each other happily as the finale to World of

Color begins. They turn to watch the show from the balcony.

EXT. WORLD OF COLOR SHOW, NIGHT

We see a short montage of shots from the ending to World of

Color. Eventually the show comes to an end.


MIKE

So what now?

DJ

Im feelin In-N-Out.

MIKE

Lets do it.

They both walk out of frame, back into the hotel hallway.

The camera continues rolling to show the post-show lighting

of World of Color in the background.

FADE TO BLACK.

[CREDITS]

INT. IN-N-OUT, NIGHT

DJ and Mike are sitting at In-N-Out, eating their burgers.

MIKE

Dude, In-N-Out is so much better when youve just saved the

world.

DJ

Totally, I know that feel bro.

Suddenly, Mikes phone beeps. He takes it out and checks

the text message. His expression goes from content to

gravely concerned.


32/32

DJ

Dude, whats wrong?

MIKE

My house is on fire.

CUT TO BLACK.

the monkey massacre

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