the ropenaboo come crashin’ down.” despite the broth-erhood’s non-extant interest in...

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That Guy

Bro. Bear NoZessities, Lorde Mayor1 Bro. Taco CabaNoZe, Cunning Linguist2Bro. Gunfight at the NoZe.K Corral, Shekel Keeper3Bro. NoZe Country for Old Men, Intellegent Designer4Bro. Burlington NoZe Factory, Bored of Graft5Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe, Bored of Graft6Bro. TechNoZe Pop, Bored of Graft7Bro. NoZen’ On The Ritz, Board of Graft8Bro. C20H25N3oZe9Bro. Honey Nut CheeriNoZe10Bro. NoZery Loves Company11Bro. Ralph WaldNoZe Emerson12Bro. Brave NoZe World13Bro. High DefiNoZetionBro. TheNoZeous Monk

The CastIn Appearance of Disorder

And the Cast of Thousands...Bro. Hurricane KatriNoZe, Bro. Grand NoZe Party, Bro. Fats DomiNoZe, Bro. NoZe Cuervo, Bro. RomaNoZe Clef, Bro. Don’t Cry for Me Argenti-NoZe, Bro. Al PaciNoZe, Bro. NoZetre Dame Walk-On, Bro. Obi-Wan Ke-NoZebi, Bro. Panic at the DiscNoZe, Bro. Charles K. PoNoZi, Bro. NoZe from Above 1924, Bro. NoZe Chance in Hell, Bro. N-O-Z-E, Find Out What It Means to Be, Bro. NoZencrantz, Bro. Cap’n Crunchy NoZe, Bro. Cap-puciNoZe, Bro. Casa NoZe, Bro. CBS Evening NoZe, Bro. HEB BagNoZe, Bro. INoZebriated, Bro. NoZeama Bin Ladin, Bro. NoZeeanderthal, Bro. Obi-Wan KeNoZebi, Bro. ValentiNoZe, Bro. XeNoZe Warrior Princess.

Trembling Boy Grip, Sore, Afraid Emergency IntraveNoZeTrembling Boy Grip, Sore, Afraid Highway to the Danger NoZe

In Memoriam of...

Bro. Life Ain’t Easy for a Boy Named NoZeBro. NoZe’s ArkBro. MeNoZepauseBro. TelemuNoZe

Bro. Jesus Loves Me This I NoZeBro. Hunter NoZe ThompsonBro. NoZesome DoveBro. ThumbeliNoZe

The Noble NoZe BrotherhoodPresents

The Rope

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Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin! Satchel on, Bro. Long NoZe, Satch! BMMC! BSSS! HRGS! BBBB! LHOOQ! The Noble NoZe Brotherhood couldn’t be merrier, nor hairier, nor scarier in this Christmas season of reason and high treason. We’ve got Santa on our side, his reindeer astride in the pre-apoc-alyptic Yuletide. Good Ole Saint Starr has no need fear with end of the world oh so near. His hunger doth subside as he reads The Rope, ink freshly dried. Full of funny, the stock-ings hung, the carols sung through smokers’ lung. The Rope will be there for prayer and the flair of our favorite yearly af-fair. For it’s Christmas on 5th! Find someone to keep you warm and to celebrate – without the hate. Anti-gobs down the hatch! Can I get a satch? Satchel? Satchelisimooooo!!!

The opinions expressed in this satirical, monthly, sporadical-ly published publication are not necessarily representative of those held by Baylor©®™ University, its administration, facul-ty, staff, or less-intelligent students. Unless otherwise noted, all quotes from all individuals contained herein are entirely made up in the interest of humor. By reading this rag, the user as-sumes all inherent risks which may include, but are not limited to, being exposed to new ideas, laughing at him/herself, and ultimate spiritual enlightenment. The Noble NoZe Brotherhood recommends readers to have an open mind, thick skin, and the ability to think. All others are encouraged to hide under their beds until the sky comes crashing down, or until they stop taking themselves so seriously, whichever comes first.

Queridos Paisanos, So this is what the end of days is like. One day you’re an average Joe, lounging lake-side on a fine tooled leather chaise with an endless supply of Alhambra Tequila Sunrises. Neophytes are in-tow, singing “Las Mañanitas,” between hourly reenactments of A Room with a View. Next thing you know, you drunkenly quadruple-dee-dog dare the Cunning Linguist on tequila-tini Tuesday to a game of Pictionary. He wagers CLhood as the loser’s prize. You remember that you were raised by a pack of Hispanic wolves and know very little of the English language. You accept the terms, due to a misunderstanding that prizes are awarded to losers in the States. You draw the word, “Hollandaise,” as a calendar wearing clogs and fishnets, sitting in a red-lit window. You’re partner guesses, “Lady GaGa.” It all goes down hill from there. The next day you loose your car, home, favorite beard trimmer and potted Aloe Vera plant all in a freak microwaveable kettle corn accident; your contract with Aha Toro quality control runs dry; and a large, damp dog man-ages to rest its rear on your monogrammed pillows every night before you go to sleep. You toss and turn at night thinking of the responsibility of producing the last Rope that will be known to man. Life is hard knowing that your first publi-cation will burn like fire and brimstone within weeks of it’s creation. If only you hadn’t missed that final episode of Clarissa Explains It All that covered this very situation! So there you are, planted on a goose-down tête-à-tête chair searching for a way to warn Baylor University of the impending doom from south of the border--though this time it isn’t because of Margarita & Salsa Fest. How can you possibly make anyone understand?Boy, must it suck to be you. Love, Bro. Taco CabaNoZe

Hate us?

That’s cute.

LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO

KEKO MUCKITY MUCK! KEKO MUCKITY MUCK!

A NOTE FROM THE MOST CUNNING OF LINGUISTS

Now tell us how you really feel...Twtter: @NoZeBrotherhoodFacebook: Noble NoZe BrotherhoodQuestions? [email protected] blank checks to: P.O. Box 612 Elm Mott, Texas 76640

THE ROPEPAGE 3 WWW.THENOZE.ORG


Last week, Baylor football triumphed over Texas Tech in overtime, resulting in the Bears’ third straight year of bowl eligibility, a first in the pro-gram’s 166-year existence. Many have cited this occurrence as the 346,293rd sign of the upcoming apocalypse, tentatively scheduled for December 21st of this year. The end of the world was first predicted by the calendar of the Ancient Maya, a circular cog in an intricate system of outdated objects. The theory predicts that the planet Nyberg will crash into the Earth, immediately terminating all life. Though countless scientists have described this theory as irrelevant and debunked the existence of Nibiru, Baylor’s win over the Red Raiders and subsequent bowl eligibility has caused several to reconsider the likelihood of an impending apocalypse. “Don’t get me wrong, the science still isn’t there,” said world-renowned physicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson, who is best known for inspiring legions of pseudo-intellectual stoners to stare into the sky under the pretense of ‘doing science.’ “However,” Tyson continued, “Baylor being bowl eligible three years in a row is enough evi-dence in support of the apocalypse for anyone to believe.” Other scientists have publicly agreed with Tyson. Baylor physics professor Dr. Jay Dittmann recently submitted an article to the Journal of Quasi-Important Sounding Research quantifying his shock after life continued to flourish after the overtime win last week. “My research has concluded that turbulent combustion and chaotic molecules are pivotal to es-chatological findings,” Dr. Dittmann wrote. “Howev-er, coherence and stable reactions still maintained directly after Baylor’s victory. Impurities propagat-ing incineration imploded and barriers transported through convection asymptotically limited towards simplextic 7-manifolds of their respective vortices, contrary to the expected representation in the ap-propriate Grassmanian.” Despite the lofty, scientific language, actual physicists have claimed that Dittmann wrote his ar-ticle entirely by Googling the phrase “physics words” while under the influence of Quaaludes. Dittman refuted them by summarizing the piece. “I never believed in the Mayan apocalypse, and was a staunch supporter of the more scien-tifically accurate Biblical apocalypse,” continued Dittman, even though nobody had asked him. “However, a crucial argument in support of Jesus descending from the heavens with his flaming sword and 6 winged, eyeball-covered pets was the preced-ing turn around of Baylor’s football program. After our defense made that stop in overtime and RGIII ran out onto the field, I thought the world would end

right there on the spot. Besides, do people still do Quaaludes anyways?” Even though the Bears’ win swayed many into believing in the Ma-yan apocalypse proph-esy, other strange events concerning Baylor have raised eyebrows and beer bottles. “Nah, man. That Tech game only reinforc-es this whole thing,” said sophomore and staunch atheist Jason Luggman. “First A&M’s quarterback might win the Heisman, and then the Lady Bears lose for the first time in over a year. If this isn’t proverbial Hell freezing over, then I don’t know what is.” He then went on to rattle on incoher-ently about his latest “freethinking revelation” which is “totally front-paged on /r/atheism.” Hitting close to home was the response by Baylor President and part-time lute enthusi-ast Kenneth Starr, who seemed rife with anxiety. “The Bears can’t perform in a bowl game without the assistance of our Lord and Savior Robert Griffin,” lamented Starr while strumming a D minor chord on his lute. “One of my mentors, Sir Ni-gel Tufnel, once said that D minor is the saddest of all keys,” while a single tear rolled down his cheek. When asked what measures Art Briles was undertaking to prepare the Bears for a bowl game victory, Starr perked up slightly. “I’ve started a Facebook prayer group, Prayers for Bears, in an attempt to rally students and alumni together,” beamed Starr. “The purpose of the group is to unite Baylor fans together and pray that the BCS schedules our bowl game for December 21st. I think we all know the only way to save face in this game is if the world ends before we take the field.” Surprisingly, the Baylor student body has taken to the campaign launched by Starr with enthusiasm, starting regular and impromptu prayer meet-ups across campus. “Hell yeah, I’m praying for that shit,” boast-ed 5th year senior and resident party dude Matty

“Fratty” McDade. “The tailgate for that game is going to be crrrrunk,” continued McDade, confirming that the word ‘crunk’ has left popular parlance and

is scheduled for an ironic hipster comeback. “Ol’ Regg’ Dawg has already reserved the Keginator T9000,” squealed McDade, “and you just know the ladies will be giving it up hard when they see the planet Naboo come crashin’ down.” Despite the Broth-erhood’s non-extant interest in McDade’s sexcapades, the NoZe Brotherhood has un-surprisingly well-doc-umented signs of the apocalypse since Bro. NoZetradamus first burnt his tongue on Abuelita hot chocolate years ago. “It hurt like a bitch,” Bro. NoZetradamus recalled. “I knew that Elmo could only save us for so long from the end of days. The following Wednesday, tequila was the only liquor left in the Brotherhood stock pile and our pool boy Baude-

lio spoke his first words of English, ‘banana,’ and, ‘quizzical.’” From that day on, it was as if all things south of the border dominated American living. There was disregard for use of native language, implementation of strong family values and strongly spiced cuisine across our fair nation. The very fabric that this nation was built on was being chiseled away by insanely cheap, diligent, foreign laborers. However the current group of Brothers see the silver lining to the end of the world as we know it. “On principle we oppose pretty much any-thing Starr supports,” said Cunning Linguist Bro. Taco CabaNoZe, “and this bowl game is for sure go-ing down—prayer, or no prayer. Brothers have been outing themselves for years so that the apocalyptic message could have a possibly less hairy and men-acing face behind the hub-bub. Though, if nothing else, an impending Mayan apocalypse is a fairly good excuse to stop writing The Funny and take up The BooZe.”

Mayan 2012 Prophesy Fullfilled: Baylor BowlEligible Three Years in a Row

President Starr Praying for December 21st Bowl Game

In light of the upcoming apocalypse, Baylor quarterback Nick Florence held a press conference to demonstrate proper juggling form.

THE ROPE PAGE 5WWW.THENOZE.ORG

Notorious Fratster Matty “Fratty” McDade has been in low spirits ever since Chief Meteorolo-gist and “Brony” Andy Anderson announced last week that a burn ban was in effect for McLennan County due to lack of precipita-tion the last few months. When approached by his peers about his uncharacter-istically morose demeanor, McDade is reported to have locked himself in his room, much to the disdain of the five frat brothers that he shares the 15 x 20 foot room with.

“I’m not sure what hit ‘Dade-brah,” said Reg-gie Smelt, one of McDade’s frat brothers. “Yester-day he seemed all giddy and said he couldn’t wait to get me and the guys together for some brewskis at the Dirty Murph’s, and now he’s moping about as if someone shat in his pastel pink Sperry’s.” The mystery moodiness re-mained unsolved until a member of McDade’s 2009 Welcome Week

group came across a buried status update on McDade’s Facebook wall. According to the update, McDade had

stumbled upon a Facebook screen cap on the front page of the /r/funny subreddit, a section of the popular social-aggregate site and general circle-jerk called Reddit. The screen capture depicted a blurred out Face-book user quipping an overplayed insult to another blurred out Facebook user, much to the chagrin of the latter user. When approached about the Facebook status, McDade perked up momentarily. “Oh man, that was such a sick burn, right?! I couldn’t wait to get the bros together over some cold ones and rip that burn out on Ol’ Regg Dawg like the Vadalia Chop Wizard.” When told that the Vadalia Chop Wizard didn’t, in fact, rip any-thing and that it was more of a dicer, McDade seemed unphased. “Ever since I discovered this secret haven of jokes on Reddit, all my peers always say I come up with the funniest stuff,” rambled on Mc-Dade. “But that creep Andy Anderson

had to go and ruin all my fun by plac-ing a burn ban on this town. I mean, what the hell is that? Sounds like the idea that a Stiffly Stifferson would have, I hope someone burns him something fierce.” In slightly more depressing and completely unrelated news, a group of Baylor fraternity pledges are prime suspects in an ongoing inves-tigation into the arson of the Ander-son residence, which occurred last night. According to eye-witnesses, he seemed very calm about the situation until being informed that his Civil War era themed My Little Pony collection had melted.

Baylor Frat Daddy Upset at Local Burn BanClaims Time Sensitive Insult would have “Destroyed ol’ Regg Dawg”

Chief Meteorologist Andy Anderson wants to ride a horse with you.

HOLY LAW #3: A chicken saved is a chicken earned

“I’m so glad the world is ending. No more NoZe Brothers to deal with...”

“I’ll probably see them in Hell.”

Kenny’s Kerfuffle


ROLLO’S

Weeks ago, Baylor students went to various places in their homes to participate in Steppin’ In, an excit-ing day of piddling, lollygagging and dillydallying in its 167th straight year. Students participated in Steppin’ In by doing absolutely nothing and being entirely unproductive and worthless. 15,364 proud slackers from more than 270 student organizations did nothing at sites all across Waco, including houses, dorm rooms and apartments. “Steppin’ In is a fantastic opportunity for students to just sit on their tuchuses,” said senior Bill Fritter, spokesman for Steppin’ In and proud member of no organizations. “They trifle the day away doing completely mundane tasks that will have no impact at all on the community.” Fritter also claims to be a veteran dawdler.

Living rooms were a very popular place during the event. Many students who chose to loiter at this location played the recently released Halo 4. Others caught up on televi-sion shows they have been too busy to keep up watch, such as Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead and Mad Men. Some sources report that a few even went through the available three seasons of the hit NBC comedy Parks and Recreation on Netflix. Kitchens were also a popular area to spend the time. They grabbed snacks to munch on while potter-ing away their day. Keeping with the spirit of Steppin’ In, very few students prepared actual meals. Most opted to prepare simple foods, such as ramen noodles, frozen waffles and peanut butter. Steppin’ In was even open to

students who could not afford to skip their classes. They had the option to footle through lectures by boondog-gling on their laptops, doodling in their notebooks or even just twiddling with their pens. “Yeah, I love Steppin’ In,” said junior Jake Lollard. “I never thought I could make it through another one of McCormick’s lectures. Bummin’ around on Reddit and taking naps re-ally helped out a lot.” Next weekend will be the popular event Layin’ Down. Students can participate and recharge after their long day of fiddling around. There will be mattresses, pillows, and sheets available at the event. Activities in-clude shutting your eyelids, counting sheep and quietly masturbating under the covers. To register for Layin’ Down,

students must simply shirk all respon-sibilities and resign themselves to apathy for the entirety of the day.

The Baylor Board of Regents recently an-nounced that the university will begin a Church Mu-sic PhD program as a part of the university-wide ini-tiative to produce more doctors of academia. This statement has excited many people around the country, especially those wanting to have a “Dr.” in front of their names without wasting years of their lives pursuing a Master’s degree. “I never thought I was smart enough to be a doctor,” said Dwayne Maclin, an unemployed col-lege graduate. “But then I heard Baylor will be offer-ing a program for Church Music! All I have to do is sing ‘Old Rugged Cross’ a few times while strum-ming the four chords I know, and I then I get a PhD.

God sure is GREAT!” Baylor administrators have shockingly ad-mitted to beginning the program to bolster Baylor’s reputation as a Christian university that creates su-perior citizens. “Yep, it’s true,” said Provost Elizabeth Davis. “If there’s ever a chance to strengthen our Christian cred we’ll jump right on that biddy, no matter how pointless it may seem.” Dr. Davis continued, “It hasn’t been cool to go by ‘Master’ since institution-alized racism was a big thing. Besides, ‘Dr. Davis’ sounds way cooler than ‘Master Davis.’” She went on to explain how people around the country will view Baylor because of this program.

“This makes us look good, real good. Like we’re really, really Christian. Ha, as if there’s actu-ally an art to performing church music! Any idiot with a guitar can get up there and sing a stupid hymn to these Sunday-Baptists. I mean, have y’all even seen the guy at UBC?” The program will require classes such as Faking Meaningful Worship, The Three Chords of a Hymn and Church History from Jars of Clay to Switchfoot. Electives include Dealing with Out-of-Control Baptists, Intro to Copying Hillsong and The Sham of Religion. Raising the Bar with Raised Hands will also be offered by special professor Da-vid Crowder.

‘Church Music’ Program Leads to More PhDs“I’ve got a Pretty Huge ‘Doctorate’” Jokes to Ensue

Steppin’ In Creates Opportunity for Waco CommunityThousands of Local Businesses Thankful for Absence of Over-Zealous Students

HOLY LAW #2 flipped tables at Cluckhoming, zero new friends made!


Last Monday, President Ken Starr estab-lished sidewalk traffic laws in an attempt to make traversing Baylor’s campus less stressful. Starr was inspired to create the mandates after a particularly awkward encounter with a student at the cross sec-tion of two sidewalks outside Sid Richardson. Sources say that Starr path intersected with a student’s, the student coming from Starr’s right. When Starr slowed down to let the student pass, the student did the same. This resulted in an uncomfort-able standoff that lasted several seconds before the student quickly shuffled off, leaving Starr visibly shaken. “There’s no way people didn’t notice,” he said. ”I totally saw a girl smirk at us while it was happening, I haven’t been so humiliated since that Monica Lewinski tagged me in her photo on Insta-gram.” “This is why I’m never on campus,” he con-tinued. Sidewalk traffic violations include slow walk-ing, walking in groups of four or more, and owning a long board. One of the traffic laws states that any-one who witnesses a long boarder clumsily stumble off his contraption is required to point and laugh for a duration of no less than 5 seconds straight. The laws had a significantly high approval rating the first day, with over 90% of students in

favor. However the percentage plummeted the next day, by which time the same amount students had incurred fines. “Getting fined for trying to ride my bike through a congested section of sidewalk is total bush league. Nobody is actually bothered by that, right?” said Hans Pockets regarding the traffic laws. Pockets added that at least one of the laws is effective. “I love the law that requires if two people are the only ones on the sidewalk and walking toward each other, they must look at their phones and avoid eye contact until they pass. It makes things so much less awkward.” Jenny Forrester, self-proclaimed socialite and fashionista, was fined $200 for clogging a walk-way for several minutes while engaged in conversa-tion with a girl who appeared to be her twin sister. Even though the ticket cited the infraction as “con-versation,” sources say that in reality in the incident consisted of exaggerated hugs and what sounded like howler monkey cries. The conversation was later deciphered by an Anthropology grad student as prolonged exclamations of, “Oh my Goooodddd!” and “How are youuuuuuuuuu?” “Who cares if people are trying to hurry to a class on the other side of campus,” she said. “I had not seen my friend for 20 minutes, and it was abso-

lutely necessary for both of us to articulate all the banal details of every ocurrance that had happened to us since. And no, we could not have stood on the fine St. Augustine off to the side; the middle of the intersection is the only suitable place for a conver-sation of such magnitude.” However, the first major infraction occurred just three days after they were instituted when golf cart driver Frank Jackson mowed down several dozen people in rush hour traffic between classes. The student worker was expelled within the day. “They should have just gotten outta the way. I had a guy with a sprained ankle that desperately needed to get to class,” He said in his disciplin-ary hearing. “It doesn’t matter that we still had 13 minutes before class started and were in a motor vehicle. Anyway, shouldn’t I be going to jail for this? I actually killed a lot of people.”

New Traffic Laws Improve Campus CongestionAwkward Hand-Brushes to be Eliminated

This mind-bending song is easily the new, poetic anthem of our generation. T-Swift’s rhyming of the words “never” and “ever” has redefined lyricism as we know it. Typical bands that make “good music,” according to my dad, such as The Beatles and Pink Floyd, cannot be listened to again. Swift’s combination of notes and lyr-ics has forever tainted the previous attempts at music by other so-called geniuses.

Let’s break it down. She la-ments about her trials and tribulations regarding her former relationship. Her ex-lover, whom we’ll just refer to as John Doe, supposedly wants to re-commence their romantic engage-ments and heterosexual intercourse. But Swift, an independent, haughty girl approaching womanhood, reaffirms her sturdy conviction of not, in fact, “never, ever” restarting the damning relationship that causes so much strife.

She is especially angered about his preference to listen to “some indie re-cord that’s much cooler than [Swift’s].” Their difference in music tastes was the proverbial last straw. After breathlessly describing the re-lationship as “exhausting” to her best friend over the phone, Swift reaffirms her thoughts in the chorus once again. The overarching memoran-dum of the harmonious melody comes down to one message: “I am a strong,

confident woman expressing myself through the medium of song. And I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever resume my relationship with that small-minded, peon of a human. Like, ever.” A truly unique liberation message that is sure to sweep the nation—nay—the world, and transform social norms across so-cioeconomic boundaries.

Song Review: Taylor Swift, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”

HOLY LAW #22 days until you will never see this rope ever again.Never, ever, ever.


The Baylor Board of Regents decided last week that all study abroad programs will end due to appalling behavior by the vast majority of participat-ing students. The Board decided that after fall semester of 2012, the only foreign study programs offered will be mission trips to Africa, South America and other third-world nations without direct access to European culture. When asked why the university disapproves of study abroad programs Mr. Henry Roberts, a thirty-year member of the Board, stated, “Baylor students are misunderstanding the true purpose of foreign education programs. Instead of indulging themselves in the exploitation of unfair labor laws, fine dining and shopping that most residents of foreign socialist nations are unable to enjoy, the students go sightseeing, unite into inter-mingled groups devoid of Greek Life heirarchy and speak filthy, un-Godly tongues. I, as a fellow Baptist, strongly disapprove.” The Board of Regents stated further that Christians were persecuted under those who spoke, “not-English” and thus the countries must suffer for

their allegiance with the ungodly pagans (as op-posed of the godly ones). Consumption of diverse and unBaptist fluids are said to penetrate the very core of a study abroad student—leaving them open to try new things. Such unnamed new things are the very things that Baylor University Regents are weary of. “Sure, we have a diversity statement,” stated President Starr in an interview last Tuesday. “I’ve never read it, but Lizzy tells me it’s awesome. Supposedly it says something like ‘love our brothers and sisters of different heritage,’ but like my old Aunt Margerine always says ‘I’m obligated to love you but that doesn’t mean I have to give a hootenannywhat you say, think, or feel!’” Though students have already been changed by their oversees experiences. Their veils of ignorance have been pulled back to reveal in-quisitive young minds, dedicated to public discourse of the big issues. “The biggest thing I’ve learned from this trip is diversity,” said Aubrey Fitz, an honors student from Maastricht Study Abroad. “I’ve had literally

hundreds of different kinds of beers since I got here. As for our lack of cultural exposure, umm, yeah, it’s because we were literally too hungover to celebrate Oktoberfest.” Baylor’s recent decision to end the pro-grams was mostly fueled by Facebook pictures of Honors students participating in a myriad of cultural norms in Maastricht. The most scandalous pictures surfaced soon after Halloween. The best and bright-est we’re seen wearing costumes such as cops with skirts falling 3” above the knee and cats lacking tail. However, what Baylor Administrators were most stunned by the lack of creativity—not a single person dressed up like Harry Potter or the classic, “Sheet Ghost.” Though students claim that their lives are enriched through studying abroad. As for the student planning on studying abroad in the Spring of 2013, Baylor has said that they will refund 50% of refundable deposits because “the Lord needs funds more than fun.”

Baylor Study Abroad Programs TerminatedNo, Really.

DEAR LORDE MAYORSerious answers to serious questions

NoZe on the Street asks:


Dear Lorde Mayor,

That terrorist Obama was reelected, which means we’re all going to Hell. I’m scared!!! Eternal Damnation is Upon Us

Dear Pi Beta Phi,

I totally agree. You better reserve your roommate down there. I hear that East Village has the best furniture--space efficient and fire proof.

Dear Lorde Mayor,

Let me just start by saying that the last few Ropes have been phenomenal—great content, editing, and virtually no oxford commas. However I see that this one is, well, how do I put this… This one is ter-rible. What’s going on with you guys? Sincerely, Concerned

Dear Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe,

Don’t get snippy because you are CL anymore. We had to put you down, you know what you did. Also you’re three months behind on rent and 2 months behind on utilities.

Dear Lorde Mayor,

I heard you guys got to meet Westboro Baptist Church. How awesome was that? Your Truly, Livin’ on a Prayer

Dear Margie Phelps,

I don’t think you understood what that tweet meant.

Dear Lorde Mayor,

I noticed that you haven’t liked any of my zany Facebook posts on your page. Is there something wrong? Does this mean that you don’t think my jokes are funny? #SooOOooCornfused

Dear Lonely Sophomore,

I hear Ghetto HEB just restocked the 2 liter bottles of cocoa butter. Run along now.

Dear Lorde Mayor,

What’s all this Christmas decorating going on all over Baylor? First students chanted together all these weird songs at Football games, and now the University is doing away with separation of Church and State! What is going on?? Best, Molly

Dear Transfer Student,

I’m guessing your community college didn’t have Line Camp? That’s okay, I don’t mind that we’re getting the same diploma even though you will have been here half the time the rest of us have. Know this, I will never consider you fellow Alum.

Dear Lorde Mayor,

How’s it goin’? Sincerely, Just Wonderin’

Dear Tammy,

Fine, thanks! How are you?

What are you doing to prepare for

the Apocalypse?

“I’ve upped my daily prayer time allocation from two to 6.23 hours, not including church and Life Group. You know how they say, 6.23 hours of prayer a day keeps the devil away!”

Sonny Franks, Phi Chi

“TUNA FISH! Tuna fish, BIG BALL, WATERFALL! *Yawwwn* TunafishsexwithLadyfurbigball-waterfall. *Hibernation* Zzzz...”

Joy, Mangey Bear

“Well, we planned a 3-4 defense, but that dog don’t hunt. We might need to switch to a Nickelman, but we don’t know what kind of offense the apoca-lypse runs. In the end, our defense couldn’t stop a kindergartener who high-tailed nap time.”

Art Briles, Champion Babysitter

Geoffrey, Homeless McDonald’s frequenter

“Ever since Bro. Burlington NoZe Factory gave me that 40oz., my life has turned around. I got a $5 bill on Wednesday, a shoppin’ cart on Wednesday and four boxes of Denny’s hashbrowns that fell off the delivery truck on Saturday. If I die, I’m dying a very blessed man.”

Getting to the core of existential Orwellian thought.


The Great Registration War of 2012A Hazy Recollection of a Real Account Based on a Fictional Adaptation of a True Story Darkness. Death. Quite a bit of dust. I emerge from my refuge in Waco Hall and shield my eyes from the sun, muted by clouds of smog and corrup-tion. I dart between piles of rubble, not trusting what the Lariat reported as a truce between the two mortal enemies. A mere seventeen days of ruthless fighting could not possibly be enough to resolve the rift between the Prior-ity Registers (PR) and the Regular Student Body (RSB) of Spring 2013 course registration.

The rage from the RSB Alli-ance erupted after the second round of non-Dean’s List seniors attempted to register. These optimistic Bears set their alarms for 6:57 AM, groggily logged into Bearweb, successfully en-tered their BearID and PIN’s on the second try. However when they en-tered their 5-9 CRN’s, heartbreaking red exclamation point mocked them. “Registration Add Errors,” it read, but it meant something much more disas-trous. The seniors clicked as fast as they could, racing to cross reference their desired course listings only to find that every single class was closed, save 4000 level history classes, every Arabic class and two 8:00 AM sections of Bio II lab. Overwhelming fury con-sumed them. The seniors ran to their closets and grabbed the weapons hid-den behind their winter clothes. Swiftly, they bolted to campus to unite with their non-registration-privileged breth-ren in the war that would define Baylor as David Koresh and Wild West de-fined Waco.

Day 1: North Village Falls The allied RSB forces seized the McCrary Music Building, facing no opposition, to establish their headquar-ters for what was sure to be a grueling war. In a secluded practice room with-in, seven of the most dedicated and hardworking, yet somehow not worthy of priority registration, students met to plan the war to take Baylor. Their mis-sion: to destroy the corrupt factions created by Dr. Null and Mr. Helm’s new

registration system.

A chorus of smart phones chimed to notify the priority groups of a North Village siege. Several short min-utes later, the RSB faced the priority groups. Hell quickly threw off his furry pink shackles and broke loose.

Gunshots. Cries of despera-tion. Slurs in Swahili. The athletes held their ground for the first hour us-ing tactics uncannily similar to trained gladiators in an arena. However the re-strictive zoot suits of Business Fellows students caused the Business School combatants to overheat and collapse amidst the battlefield. But where were the Engineering students? They were found nowhere in sight! Their eyes, trained to work by moonlight and flo-rescent lighting, rendered the fighters useless during the day in the crisp nat-ural air.

By the end of the day, the en-tire northern corner of campus was turned into rubble. The golden RSB flag flew proudly over the fully intact Russell dormitories, which had previ-ously survived the Cold War. The Prior-ity Registers retreated to their central base in Memorial and Alexander Halls.

Day 2: The Everlasting Fight for the BSB Not to be eradicated from their second home, the Priority Registers sought to defend the Baylor Science Building utilizing the array of para-phernalia found within the building. The PR’s, trained in critical thinking and problem solving, put their heads together to figure out a SWOT of their position in the fight to come.

As the RSB entered the build-ing, 7:00 AM sharp, the priority groups stormed the atrium. Fueled by night-mares of medical school rejection, the pre-med students fought valiantly. Despite suffering many losses, they wrestled the building out of the hands

of the plebian RSB Alliance but pav-ing the bottom floor of the BSB in gold pennies. Using unlit Bunsen burners the PR’s rest the money hungry up-per crust in a sweet slumber using unlit Bunsen burners.

Day 3: RSB Seeks Parking Enthralled by the previous day’s defeat, the RSB charged Cashion and the Hankamer parking garage in the wee hours of the morn on the third day. The Priority, unprepared be-cause of their daily desperate scour of cam-pus for the New York Times, was shocked to see the silhouettes of thousands of sopho-more troops storming Fifth Street in the fragile light of dawn. The showdown between the “perfect grades over ev-erything” Business Fellows and the senior business majors began with a shined-shoe scuff. The two groups had been feuding over claim for premium internships. The schism manifested it-self as the bloodiest, most disastrous personal selling battle of the Registra-tion War. In the bloodstained twilight, the verdict was announced: the Priority had won its second battle. Heartbroken and distraught, the RSB once again re-treated to West Campus while the Pri-ority celebrated its capture of Draper/Old Main, Waco Hall and the Sub. No Regular Student Body member would ever again find a parking spot to catch MooYah after hours.

Day 4: It All Ends Here The RSB relocated its head-quarters to Brooks Residential Col-lege, a breeding ground of bitter ani-mosity. Brooks residents realized after singing a two-year contract that early registration is not included in their high-

priced housing. Calling upon all of its resources, the RSB Alliance now stood at 9,712 members, a menacing force to the remaining 4,156 members of the Priority. Mustering all of the strength they had, the RSB silently surrounded the Priority stronghold at Memorial/Al-exander. Hearing the sounds of rustling leaves and pure indignation, the Prior-ity awoke from their ever-so-slightly too short twin beds and peered out their windows. What they saw stunned them and thousands of jaws collectively hit the floor.

The RSB an-nounced that the honors dorms siege would be the end of priority registration. No longer would s o p h o m o r e e q u e s t r i a n

team members get to pick their classes before summa cum laude, senior Bio-chemistry majors. Never again would undecided, 6-year student dependents of faculty log on to Bearweb days be-fore juniors who aced Organic Chem-istry and Physics. Students studying abroad would never again get the chance to drunkenly register in a so-cialist nation long before their sober peers could in America, the free.

The Priority Registers pleaded, promising to hold any class the Regular Students desired so long as they retain their superior status. The Regular Stu-dent Body refused, stating that death would come before violating Baylor’s Honor Code. With nothing left to offer, the Priority shut their blinds, counted how many pop-tarts they had left in their closet and prepared to spend their remaining days in mildew-y terror. Temporary solace was near—they had their own shower to watch their tears wash down the drain with the ink and dust.

“No one is going to read this if there aren’t any pictures” Bro. TheNoZeous Monk Cunning Linguist Emeritus

UBC?


the ropenaboo come crashin’ down.” despite the broth-erhood’s non-extant interest in...

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