January 18-22Details inside o

The Newspaper For Science Students — Vol 6 No 7 11 Jan '93

160LB FISH EARN

Please (i() not fold, s0imutilate or Mimic in

Undergeound. Thank

die,

he

Toll.

In a stunning and tenderceremony, former SUSExternal Vice-President andRoom Manager Erik "Th eFish" Jensen, in the compan yof family and friends, gradu-ated from the University ofBritish Columbia last fall ,marking the end of an era i nundergraduate society admin-istration.

Jensen was granted aBachelor of Science degreein General Science by Le sPeterson, the Chancellor ofthe University, six and a hal fyears after entering the insti-tution in 1986. Listed as thevery last student on the cere-monial program, he corn -

memmorated the happy occa-sion by presenting Peterson ,UBC President DavidStrangway and Dean ofScience Barry McBride eachwith a can of Guinness PubDraught beer, at the presenta-tion onstage .

According to witnesses ,Dr . McBride was the only ofthe three to keep his award ,saying later that "he'd neve rlet a good Guinness go towaste . "

The undergraduate careerof The Fish was one of whichlegends are made. One of themost recognizable and well -known students on campus ,he was liked and respected

by all who knew and worke dwith him. He was involved invirtually all of the working sof SUS, and was one of thefounding members of thepopulist Radical Beer Factiopolitical group. His list ofachievements and record inrepresenting the Faculty ofScience were exemplary .

In honor of the countles shours of service that Jensenhas provided SUS over theyears, this year's Council ha sdedicated an annual serviceaward in his name, to be pre-sented every year at theAnnual General Meeting t othe SUS member who distin-guishes themself in service to

rejobelecfirm,currentlto becomtronics de sof course ,can still occa sseen haunting

himself has recentlyjob with a local

irm, where he isng to becom eesigner. And,d boy can

ionally beling theUS .

him-cent-

d a

Shakespeare at home

INGRE[)IENTS :OVER 95% OF CONTENTS CONSIST OF SODIU MHYPOCHLORITE, GRAPHITE, POLYMERIZED HYDROCAR-BONS, AND 4#MP TREES . LESS THAN 5% CONSIST OF APLEA FOR SUBMISSIONS (PAGE 2), A MERCIFULLY BRIEF EDI-TORIAL, THE MORRIS METHODS (PAGE 3), ANGRY DUC K(PAGE 4), DIK MILLER – CAMPUS ENFORCER (PAGE 5), OHNO NOT AGAIN PART 5 (PAGE 6), MUNDANE DUMPSTER ,(PAGE 7), ROG LOSES DEPTH (PAGE 8) .

"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GETTHAT MUCH SMOKE OUT OF ONE BAGEL? "

ADAM N . CHEA L

0 1993 SCIENCE UNDERGRAD SOCIETY PUBLICATIONS .

2

The Four Thirty—Two Vol 6 No 7

11 Jan '9 3

Submit Something . . .Please ?

1 3

1 S

POSTER PART Y1lJES, JAN 12V TO VII PM

1'1"77 A 'NBEVERAGES i

AI.I. WHO ATTEND.BE THERE .

C:HI=`1 1~v

By this point of the year ,everyone should have a prettygood idea what this here rag' sabout . Basically, The 432(remember, that's "FourThirty-Two ", not "Four-Three -Two") is precision-crafted tomake those 8 :30 lectures just alittle more palatable .

I'm told it's supposed to bea source of information abou tevents happening with SUSand Science in general . Ah ,well, can't win `em all . . .

Getting serious for possiblythe first time in the five-yearlife of The 432, I'm going tosay that I'm running out ofsteam. I can't keep The 432going without the help of someof you out there inLectureland.

What kind of help, you ask?(Or I'm hoping you do, any-ways . . .) Well, I know for afact that there are some of youwith pretty ascerbic wits outthere. I don't care if you"can ' t" write, just write thedamned article that you think"would look really neat in The432 ." Trust me, as an editor,one's skills at clarifying an dcorrecting copy get very pol-ished.

Anyway, not to evade th epoint for too long, what I' mgetting at is that we have arather serious labour shortag ein here . So write or draw orphotograph something, and getit in to me .

However, keep in mind tha tI may not print what you'vegiven me. I'm an editor . I haveto figure out what's appropri-ate, what's too offensive, whatneeds work and what falls fla ton its face . The reason yo ukeep reading The 432 is that it sstandards for humour are pret-

ty high. So, to those who'vesubmitted things in the pastwhich weren't printed, m yapologies for not getting backto you about it . It's not a per-sonal slight, and realize thatfor every five articles I begin ,maybe one will make it intoprint. Try, try again . . .

.

That's about enough earnestdiscussion for one issue, so I'llget down to the gory detail sabout submitting things to The432 .

ArticlesYou've most likely noticed

that articles tend to be prettyfree-form around here, onessentially any topic whichisn't boring . Stupid is okay .The preferred length is aroun d500 to 700 words, and I' dadvise staying at the short en duntil you figure out what par-ticular brand of humour you ' regood at.

I prefer having articles sub-mitted on 3 .5" disk . If yo udon't have a machine, you canalways come in and use th eMacs in SUS, or submit it inlegible handwriting. We useMicrosoft Word for the Macfor copy editing. MostMacintosh file formats(MacWrite II, etc .) are read-able, so almost any Mac tex tfile is okay . As for you MS -DOS users out there, don' tdespair, as we can translate i toff an MS-DOS disk.However, the file will be use -less unless you save it in a spe-cial format. WordPerfect usersshould save it as either ageneric text file (Ctrl-F5, SaveGeneric), or as DOS text (Ctrl -F5, DOS Text) . Users of Wordfor Windows should save thefile in RTF (Rich Tex tFormat), or as Text Only (both

options are available in th eSave As . . . dialog box) . And,I'd appreciate it if you coul dput your name and phone num-ber on the disk if you everhope to get it back .

As for the article itself, it' sreally helpful if it's beenspellchecked and proofreadbefore it gets to me. It's notabsolutely necessary, since Iwill do both of those as well ,but it really saves me time .

Cartoons/Graphic s

The only requirement here i sthat the ink be black. I've hadarticles submitted in purple ,which is second only to bluefor poor reproduction . I preferthat the original be anywherefrom 150 to 200% of the siz eat which you anticipate it willbe printed . A guesstimate isfine, though . Crisp lines andno more detail than is neces-sary are other things to shootfor .

For you avant-garde typesthat are doing computer art(and who presumably knowthe difference between draw-and paint-style graphics), lookover the section on submittin garticles by disk above . Fordraw-style graphics, youshould submit an EncapsulatedPostScript (Mac format) file ,as well as copies of any non -standard Adobe Type 1 orTrueType fonts you may haveused . Paint-style graphicsshould be submitted in RIFF or11F format .

That's about it. Next twodeadlines are Tuesday, January12, and Tuesday, January 26 .Go wild, eh ?

Computer Snackers .

Vol 6 No 7

11 Jan '93 The Four Thirty—Two

3Editor Suffers Bladder Explosion i n

Caffeine-Related Tragedy'Wh0000ah! Cool,' says Assistant Editor

The Morris Methods

Rya n

McCUAI(;

Welcome back, all. I hopeeveryone had a nice, nonde-nominational/nonchromist cel-ebration of the Winter Solstice ,and partook in the festivitiesmarking the arbitrarily-setGregorian calendar year-end .(I had a white Christmas i nLondon, Ontario an dEdmonton, but rest assuredthat I feel very guilty about thecenturies of oppression that i trepresents . )

In case you're wonderin gwhat that was about, I pickedup a wonderful book over theholidays entitled NOT

Politcally Correct : A FieldGuide to Surviving the P CReign of Terror, byVancouverite Ric Dolphin . Ihighly recommend you pick upa copy at your nearest non-gra-nola bookshoppe . I won't spoilit for you, but suffice it to saythat it has a useful glossarywhich defines "speciesism" .Those of you who were aroundlast year might remember thatmy predecessor, Patric kRedding, was slapped with thatlabel after we printed an obitu-ary for SUS's mascot, Igor theMillipede. Anyway, the booksuggests the non-PC alterna-tive term "pest control" .

As well, it contains the mos tsensible quote ever made abou tthe Hitler Youth of the PCmovement, by Alan Keyes :"These codes punishing verbalharassment are patronizing an dpaternalistic . . . The 'protec -

tion ' they promise is that thereis some inherent genetic weak-ness --- a black genetic weak-ness on my part . And that' swhy codes of conduct areneeded] to protect me . That isthe most insulting, the mostracist statement of all. "

'Neff said .

Once again, I'm takingadvantage of editor's privilegeand writing my article onlyhours before the print deadline .Ah, well, those who read th efirst issue this year are famili a rwith what being stuck inEdmonton does to the creativeurge . Trust me — neurons firean awful lot slower at --40°C .

Well, being the white maleof Northern European descentthat I am, I have decided tofollow the Gregorian calendar ,which means it's time for :

The Editor's New Year' sResolutions !1 . I resolve never, ever, ever

again to make reference tolast year's Ubyssey articlewhich epoused the virtue sof masturbation with cal -rots.

2. I promise to — or was itcucumbers? Ah, shit! Iguess I already blew it .

Well, so much for that. Ihave to admit . . . I'm at a los sfor things to write about . I'mwaiting for the feathers to flycome AMS Campaign week(not that I would do anythingto encourage it in any way . Ofcourse not. That would becatering to an urge to sensa-tionalize the drama of it all . ['dnever do something tha tpetty . . . )

'Til next ish . . .

Jamie Morris

Resident Experimentalis t

Experiment #2Observations of Grinch-likemuscles vs . Mytilus edulus-likemuscles .

1. Procedure :This experiment was per -

formed over the Christmas hol -idays in Beme, Switzerland.The reason for such a distantlocation is because Berne isnow the city where test subject#1 lives — the famous greenskinned Grinch .

I had heard rumours fromcolleagues that the Grinch wa salive and well today (long afte rhis starring role in How th eGrinch stole Christmas by Dr .Seuss), but had taken up bodybuilding . This is because hefound his body was proportion-ately too small compared to hi sheart (if you saw the show youwill remember that it grew totwo times the size after hefound out Christmas was n ' t justabout gifts) . To compensatethis size imbalance, the Grinchhas been taking anaboli csteroids and growth hormon efor some time . Rumour is theGrinch is now the strongestbeing on this earth .

Test subject #2 is a mutant ofmy own creation (for purpose shere we shall call himMcGriff), that was synthesize din my lab using advanced tech-niques of recombinant DNA(genetic engineering) . McGriffis an intelligent Mytilus edulus(more commonly known as asea mussel — those small blackthings found attached to rocksat the beach) . What makesMytilus edulus so interesting i sits special muscle physiologywhich allows it to keep its mus-cles contracted without usin gATP (ie . it doesn 't requireenergy.) It is this attribute thatallows Mytilus edulus to remainattached to rocks . Sea musse lMcGriff is an average sizedMytilus edulus with a testedIQ. of 230 . He is extremel yproficient in mathematics ,physics, and Snakes ' nLadders .

In this experiment three testswere made to compare and con-trast the strengths and weak-nesses of the Grinch ' s muscl ephysiology to those of sea mus-sel McGriff ' s . In this experi-ment I hope to confirm whichtype of muscle is more usefulin everyday life.

2. Data and Observations

Test # 1

Experimental Design : Both theGrinch and sea mussel McGriffwere to be placed in a rowdybar in a shadier part of Berne .The two are then to be giveninstructions to start a massiv ebar fight .Observations : An initial diffi-culty was encountered i nattempting to find a remotel yshady part of Berne . That hur-dle passed, a massive bar fightdid ensue when the Grinch tolda couple of Swiss militiamenwhere exactly they could puttheir Toblerones . Not only di da fight start in the first bar, butwhen it was going strong bothtest subjects entered new barsand started fights there . Fromthe data collected (number ofchairs smashed, number o fnoses broken, etc„ by each sub-ject), it appears that the Grinch-like muscle physiology is supe-rior to that of McGriff's in thi stype of situation . However, thi smight be due to sea musselMcGriff's small size ratherthan any other biological supe-riority . An honourable mentiondoes go to McGriff for his dar-ing, and frequent 'privates -clamp' manoeuvre performe don opponents many times larg-e r

Test # 2Experimental Design : Tenfemales (all students at UBC)are asked who they would pre-fer to date — the muscularGrinch or the diminished seamussel McGriff.Evaluation : Eight expressedthat they would rather date " thecute little sea mussel" than themuscular Grinch . The other twolaunched on tirades about theandrocentricity of dating ingeneral, and this data was dis-carded . When asked their rea-sons, they all claimed that the ydefinitely would prefer an intel-ligent, sensitive Alan Alda-typemale (even one lacking in aclearly-defined central nervoussystem and distinguishin gphysical characteristics) over aless intelligent and insensitive ,albeit "built " , handsome, green-furred, male .

Test # 3

Experimental Design: TheGrinch and McGriff are bothplaced in my basement on twochairs equidistant from thefront door . They are then eachhanded a piece of paper which

reads :Did you know that

there is a type of trop-ical fish calledLabroides dimidiatusof which all individu-als are born female .These fish form popu-lations which can b eviewed in humanterms as "harems " .The largest and mostpowerful female fishchanges itself into amale and dominate sand rules this harem .Isn 't this outright sex-ism? Doesn't it both-er you that the inno -cent female is changedagainst her own fre ewill into a male ?Shouldn't you dosomething about this?If the answer is yes ,do something now! !

Evaluation :

The Grinchwon the initial part of this tes t(it was a cleverly disguise dmuscle reflex test) . The Grinchwas out the door within 2 .3 sec-onds after reading the note .Sea mussel McGriff clompedout five seconds later. The sec-ond part of the test was won byMcGriff, however . It was he ,and not the Grinch, who swamout to the tropics and showe dLabroides dimidiatus the errorsin its ways (It was a simpl ematter of inflicting human val-ues and the correct theories o fhow a society should functionupon Labroides dimidiatus —thereby rectifying the situation )

3. ConclusionThe experiment does not con-clusively demonstrate the supe-riority of either muscle physiol-ogy . This experiment hasturned out in a tie, and is ver ysubjective anyway . Decide foryourself which one is better .(But do bear in mind the result sof Test #2 . There's somethingto be said for having a cousinthat does pearls) . See you nexttime .

Ryan McCuai gEditor and Executive Whip-Cracke r

E D I T O R I A LContributing Writers Janice Boyle, Michael Chow ,Aaron Drake, Carmen McKnight, Orvin Lau, Dere k

Miller, Jamie Morris, Rod Reddekopp, SarahThornton, and with me as always is Rog.

Party on, Rog.

xART AND DESIG N

Layout Ryan McCuaig, Roger Watt sContributing Artists Amy Hillab y

and Roger Watt s

PRODUCTIO NPrinter College Printers, Ltd. VancouverDistributor E-Fish-ent Distribution, Ltd .

11 pnuay 1993, Vol 6, No 7The 432 is published biweekly by the Science UnderWaduste Society dUBC, somewhere close 0 Main Mall and University Blvd. We generall ymake we hats out of our mail, especially the politically correct star, s odon't bother ending any .

MEMO :

To: All Science students (and any other interested persons)

From : Sarah Thornton, Science Week Co-ordinator

Re: Science Week '93

It's only a week away! The most important week in the year for all youScience students here at UBC . And no, you don't have to study for it. . And no ,you needn't panic . . . It's a week of Jun and excitement — it's SCIENCE WEEK !

Starting on Monday, January 18, students will have the opportunity to perus eand pursue various enlightening and entertaining activities for the course of th eweek.

So first thing, head on over to the SUB building for the displays in the con -course. Each clubwill be strutting about, showing off its events, and the joys of it sparental department. Step on over to see, for instance, a scintillating superconduc-tor at the Physsoc table, or a variety of interesting invertebrates from Biosoc, or adisplay of stupendous stones at the Dawson Club table .

When you ' ve had enough of the clubs, pop on over to the Chemistry buildin gon Monday at 12:30 for a Magic Show, or to SUB plaza on Thursday for the 6thannual Trike Race (hint, hint, . .. register now in CI-MM 160) . Gyotaku, th eJapanese an of fish printing, is happening Wednesday through Friday in SUB, an dthe CS 3 is holding a car rally on Wednesday night .

If you get hungry, and start hunkering for munc :hies and a movie, (not over th eTV withdrawl symptoms yet after the break, eh?) hop on over to SUS 1130 — 13 0for our open house — schmooze with the council members and glue your eyes t othe medium-sized TV screen and rot your brain some more!!! And if that's notenough — come to see The Fly in the SUB auditorium on Tuesday night.

Make sure you eat a good breakfast and lunch one day and give the gift of lif eat the Red Cross blood donor clinic .

To top the whole week off, plea se join us at the Sci Wk dance on Friday night.The Hard Rock Miners & the Love Bugs (featuring SUS expatriate Derek "Dik"Miller) will be there. Lotsa fun . Trx are $5 at the AMS Box Office or from SU SCouncil members .

See ya there!

ATTENTIO NAnybody who has ever,

- descanted a syllabary- extirpated a reticular formatio n- derogated from their peers- exsanguinated any organism of the phylum Chordata- been decorticated- transmogrified into an aphid- been enraptured by the insalubriou s- exsiccated a syncarp- transubstantiated a syce into a sycee- exonerated all their promiscuous aquaintance s- practised coprophagy

Get in touch with Jamie Morris(Resident Experimentalist) A .S.A .P .

4

The Four Thirty—Two Vol 6 No 7

11 Jan '93

Aaron Claus is Coming to Tow n

DUCK

I'm relieved Christmas i sover . Now I won't have to goin my basement for anotheryear .

Christmas, by and large, hasbeen a serious stumbling blockon my way to getting rich (Iwant to become rich, by theway, in order to be able todress very strange and bereferred to as an eccentricrather than a slob, which i swhat I'm referred to as now) .

I don't resent having to buyChristmas presents . In fact, Ilove doing that. In the longrun, I break even, becauseeven though I'm spending$1 .19 to buy my Good FriendAlan a carrot peeler, I knowhe's spending the same amoun tto buy me an airhorn.

What bugs me abou tChristmas is that WesternCivilization, as a whole, grind sto a halt. One cannot do busi-ness on the week of Christmas.It is a time to become festiv eand merry It is a time to singChristmas carols . It is a time toput together the present thathas Some Assembly Required ,but in actual fact could not beput together by a Marine Corp sof Sappers, and you end uppounding it to a bloody pulpwith your Cup of ChristmasCheer .

Christmas is also a time toprocrastinate in absurd ways .One of the more absurd waysthat I have found has been tosearch for my Physics 319 labmanuals. You may think that Iwant to archive them for m ybiographer for when I get rich(I want to become rich, by theway, so that I can sponsor col-lege scholarships for slackers,

who would compete in nation -wide competitions like theWhat Number Am I ThinkingOf written examination) . Iwanted to find the manuals sothat I might give them to myGood Friend Martin as aChristmas present.

The problem with findin gmy Physics 319 Lab Manualsis that they are in the base-ment. If you asked me to makea list of what is in my base-ment, I wouldn't be able to doit . I could only make a list ofthings I think are in my base-ment. Included in that listwould be:

a) more Dead Sea Scrolls ,

b) my business partner's senseof humour (believe me ,HE doesn ' t know where i tis, either).

c) goats, which would explainthe conspicuous absenc eof the 319 lab manuals.

Searching for my Physic s319 lab manuals took up thebetter part of a week . But thatwas okay, because I couldn' tget anything accomplishedelsewhere because nobodydoes business aroundChristmas time .

Which is why I hateChristmas .

On the other hand, I likegetting presents, and I evenlike giving presents, if only fortheir shock value. When I getrich (I want to become rich, b ythe way, so that I can buy asecond-hand store and chargeoutrageous prices for the furni-ture — a couple would wanderin, ask me how much thecouch costs, and I would tellthem, "$300,000." I think thatwould be a lot of fun for thefirst twenty minutes) I'm goingto buy some serious presents :cars, planes, jewels, fur coats .But all that comes when I havegobs of money. And I mean`gobs,' not lots.' If someone

tells you they have `gobs' ofmoney, you know they're no tthe type to put those `gobs 'into RRSP 's . Rather, the ymight just try and sponsor aFaculty of Boat Racing atUBC .

For now, I can only giv estupid presents and hope peo-ple interpret them as witty .Like my Physics 319 lab man-uals.

Actually, I'm giving themto Marty because he's failin gthe course and is in desperateneed of lab writeups that hecan — ahem — review . Whyhe wants them from me, Idon ' t know, considering thatnot only did I fail Physics 31 9three times, but my lab manu-als are written in AncientSumerian, according to myLab TA .

I'm looking forward to nex tChristmas, despite the fact thatnothing will get accomplishedthat month, and it will inter -rupt my attempts to get rich (Iwant to get rich, by the way, sothat I can buy my own radi ostation . I will call it KaraokeRadio :"Less Talk . LessTalent." ) . I have finally foundthe best present to give to m yGood Friend Alan, better t<ha;even the last present I gavehim (my unmatched socks) .

I can see it now . It will be asmall, unassuming box ,wrapped primly and ornately.He will open it hesitantly ,expecting perhaps the sparkplugs from my last tune up .

He will pull out a documentand hold it up .

"What the heck is this?" h ewill ask .

"It's the deed to my base-ment," I will say spreading mygenerous arms . "MerryChristmas."

Angry

HyperColorTMis for losers . . .

This January, engage inthe forbidden practice ofGyotaku (dead fish art) .

1'O1' ca/ii'Iii! /711L111o11 vii [1 Illl que conies/ .

come to The Riosoc office (S[R 4 1and Ci .c1 /or 1l)0 Gyvitikll s(npnoo, .

Paint with fish, or stay home !

It's the Annual . . .

S U

T R I K E RAC E

THURSDAY, JANUARY 21, 199 . 312 :30 - 2 :30 SUB PLAZ A

Register

in

Chem

16 0Teams of 6 :• 4 Undergrad s• 1 TA/ Grad Studen t• 1 prof / lecturer / labinstructor / staff member

You may compete withan incomplete team, bu tyour team will not b eeligible for prizes .

Registration fee $50 .00 per teamDeadline Fri. January 15th

Sign in by 12 :15 pm on Race Day

Vol 6 No 7

11 Ian '93 The Four Thirty—Two

UBC Pre-Medical Club Present s

Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation !Canadian Heart & Stroke Foundation

Basic Life Support --- Level CDate : Saturday, January 30, 199 3

Time : 9:00 AM — 5 :00 PM

Location : On campus -- rooms to be determined.

Cost: $30 for first timers, $24 for recertification

CPR provides all the skills for basic life support, which is the backbone for allpre-hospital and hospital care . CPR (Basic Life Support — Level C) is a programrequirement for almost all medical programs . This is your chance to learn and practicethese skills, and increase your proficiency as a Professional Caregiver .

Register December 3, 1992 from 12 :30 — 2 :30 PM in the IRC Lounge . Late registrationmay be done in January if space permits . If you have any questions, please call ?edamLund at 325-7691 .

NEW SCIENCE JACKETS! ! !

Order now at the UBC Science UndergraduateSociety office, Chemistry building, room 160.

Stock up at the S.U.S. officein the Chemistry building, room 160.

tpye AU profits will be dlonated. to charity

DON'T PANIC;AMS WORD IPROCES

will do it for you!

• on campus• lowest professional rote in the lower mainland• familiar with APA/ML4 and thesis requirements

Room 60, Student Union Building • 822-5640Mon-Thu : 9am - 6pm Friday : 9am - 5pm

Completely redesigned !Melton and Leather Jacke tNavy Blue Melton BodyNavy Blue & White Leather Split Sleeves

$150 plus cresting, taxes not include d(jacket not exactly as shown )

Deadline for orders : February 17,1993

Last chance toorder one for

this school year!

s

Dik Miller, Campus Enforce r

What, you may ask, doe sUBC's resident EngineeringPolitical Correctnes sEnforcer do during his winterholidays, what with th eEngineers either in exams orout of town, and little toenforce? (You may not askthat, but I don't care, becaus eI'm going to answeranyway. )

I walked into mysupervisor's office one col dand windy winter day.

"So," she said, "how wereyour holidays?"

"Fine," I replied .

"Do anything interesting? "

"Yes, as a matter of fact . Itook up a new hobby."

"Ah, really. What woul dthat be?"

"Glacier watching."

"Sorry?".

"Glacier watching."

She looked puzzled . "Er,what precisely does thatinvolve? "

"Watching glaciers," Ianswered, "of course ."

"Urn, up close or at adistance? "

"Through binoculars . "

"I see.Sounds . . .uh . . .fascinating . "

"Actually," I said, "it'sboring as hell, but my unclegave me a book on it andkeeps asking me whether I'veused it, so I had to try. Get syou into a great zen-like stateof relaxation, though ."

"Right. "

I was getting a bit agitated .My supervisor isn't usuallythis cordial . I got to the point.

"Why exactly did you askme in here? "

"Oh, just to chat," sh esaid .

"About?"

She looked down at herdesk, pursed her lips, andpushed a little ball of paperaround with her index finger."Oh, nothing."

I pressed on, my hard-as-nails private eye trainingtaking over. "What sort ofnothing would that be?"

"Not any particular kind of

nothing," she said ."Just. . .stuff . "

She was being evasive. Igrabbed her desk lamp andswung it to shine into her

face . "Where were you on thenight of. . ." I paused.

"Oh, sorry," I said. "I getcarried away sometimes ."

"Okay," she admitted ."Maybe I did have somethingthat was just a teensy, weens ybit more important to tel lyou . "

I raised my eyebrows ."And that is? "

"Uh, you're bein gtransferred . "

"WHAT? ! "

"You're being, um,transferred to the Library. "

I stared for a second."You're telling me that I' mgoing to be the LibraryPolitical Correctnes sEnforcer? "

"Not exactly. "

"What do you mean? "

"You'll be the Librar yRules Enforcer. "

"Could you elaborate? "

"Sure . "

I waited for a moment."Could you elaborate now?"

"Oh, oh, sorry. Yes, you'l lbe responsible for makingsure people don't reshelvebooks in the wrong place ,and making sure that theydon't eat in the bookstacks ,and telling them to be quiet . "

"No car chases?" I bleated .

"No car . "

"No CAR?!" This wassounding worse all the time .

"No."

"No exciting gunplay? "

"Nope . "

"You're demoting me! "

"Actually," she said, "weconsider this a latera ltransfer."

"So I get paid the same? "

"No, you're paid less ."

"So this is a lateraltransfer, but it's incredibl ydull and I get paid less . "

She smiled. "Now youunderstand. "

I slapped my hand to m yforehead . "Why are youdoing this to me?"

"We have a new enforcerfor Engineering ."

"Who's that?"

"Jean-Claude Van Dal-tune .He's on a break from makingmovies . "

I winced. "But he's shorterthan I am! And he has astupid French accent! "

"Actually, it's Belgian . "

"Whatever! How dare youdo this? I've put my heartand soul into this job for the

past . . ."

"Look, Miller, either youaccept this transfer or we fireyou — and get the EUS totank you besides ."

"Can I at least wear mytrenchcoat?"

"Well, to be truthful, wecan't let you do that ." Shereached behind her chair an d

pulled out a large, baby blueapron with the word sLIBRARY MONITORstencilled on it. "You have towear this . "

"I thought you said I wasan enforcer? "

"Enforcer, monitor, what'sthe difference? "

I was getting angry ."Monitors are little kids whotell smaller little kids to stopplaying around or they'll getbeaten up. Enforcers aremacho dudes who flex thei rpecs a lot. "

"Like Jean-Claude VanDamme ."

"Shut up!"

"Anyway, here you go . "She threw the apron at me ."Good luck . "

"That's it? Good luck?"

"Yes. Now bug off, I havework to do."

I looked blank for amoment, then turned andwalked out.

Shortly thereafter, I waswalking forlornly along MainMall toward Main Library,wiping away tears ofdepression with my DikMiller TM hankie/chloroformcloth/coffee filter.

"Hey man," said a passin gstudent, "what's wrong?"

"What's wrong?!" I blared ."I'll tell you what's wrong!My life, my profession, mypurpose has beendestroyed!"

"Whoa, chill out man."

I mumbled a curse at himand walked on . Finally Iarrived at the front doors tothe Library. I pulled . Nothinghappened . I looked down .

PUSH, it said .

I pushed. Nothinghappened .

The Library was closed .This was even moredepressing .

I sat down on the steps andit began to snow.

Another case closed forDik Miller. . .uh . . .LibraryMonitor.

Sigh

r

Derek K.

MILLER

6

The Four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No 7

11 Jan '9 3

"Oh, no, not again ."Chapter Five — 'Think Sane . . . "

Rod ReddekoppColumnis t

Chapter 5 : "Think SANE . "

Rod Reddekopp

In our last episode, the boywas tried for the crime ofholding up a grocery storewith a screwdriver, wa scarried off by men in whit ejackets because he said h ewas from another dimension,and ended up unconsciou sagain. And now, <inser tfanfare here>, chapter five .

The boy rolled over in bed .It had to be getting close tothe time he had to wake upfor school, so why hadn't hisalarm gone? He tried to rubhis eyes, but his arms didn'tseem to be working . He hate dit when his arms fell asleep .He forced his eyes open acrack to see what time it was .Not only was his alarm clocknot there, but he wasn't inbed . The soft material he waslying on seemed to cover theentire floor, the walls, and, a she twisted his head around,even the ceiling. The badnews was that his armsweren't asleep, he was stil lwearing the straitjacket . Thegood news was that hewouldn't be going to schooltoday and could sleep in . Sohe went back to sleep.

This time when he wokeup, he knew where he wasright away. He realized that ifhe was going to save theuniverse, he would have toget out. A plan began todevelop in his mind. Hewould convince these peopleof his sanity and they wouldlet him out. Ok, it wasn' tmuch of a plan, but hey, itwas a beginning.

The boy stood up. (If youthink that sounds easy,you've never tried to standup while wearing astraitjacket.) He walked, assanely as possible, over to thecell door and called out . Nottoo loud or panic-stricken ,mind you . Calm, cool, andcollected. Sane . It isn't easyto project sanity whilewearing a straitjacket, but theboy wasn't doing too badly .

"Hey, excuse me guys.Can I talk to you for aminute?"

The white-coate dgentlemen looked at eachother, blinked, and out ofsheer curiosity walked overto the boy's door. The boyswallowed . He had to makethis good .

"You know, this is reallycrazy, er, I mean ridiculous .I'm not insane. I know I'm

not from another dimensionand all that stuff. I mean, Iwas hungry, and I didn't hav eany money. I just wantedsomething to eat, and Iwasn't going to hurt anybody.In the courtroom, I made al lthat up because I didn't wantto get in trouble . You know,kids will do that . Look at me ,I'm just a kid, see? I'm sorry ,ok?"

Normally, he would havethreatened a lawsuit, but thi stime he figured he'd go forthe mercy approach . Theyseemed to be thinking .

"Well, I guess it wouldn' thurt to give him aRorschach," one of themsaid .

Raw shock? "You meanshock therapy?" the bo yasked brightly.

Oh oh, that hey-you-have-celery-stalks-growing-out-of-your-head look again . He'dhave to learn when to keephis mouth shut . "Jus tkidding," he said, smilingweakly .

"Ok, young man, wha tdoes this look like to you? "

The psychiatrist wa sholding up a white card withan ink blot on it. The boy hadalways wanted to try this .

"You really want to knowwhat I think that looks like? "

"Yes . "

"Even if it seems kind ofweird?"

"Yes . "

"Because it really lookslike it, and it doesn't meanI'm crazy or anything ,because it would look like itto anybody. I mean, theresemblance is uncanny . "

"Will you just tell me whatyou think it looks like?!"

"All right already! Sheeshif you're this impatient withme, I'd hate to see you dea lwith someone who really i scrazy." The boy pridedhimself on his ability tointerpret what people ar ethinking by the way the ylook at him . This look wa stelling him that now woul dprobably be a good time toshare his thoughts on whatthe blot looked like .

"It looks like frog guts . Imean, if you like, step on afrog, completely by accidentof course, that's what it lookslike . "

The boy thought the poorpsychiatrist looked like heneeded a holiday.

cin gE v o v e d

A Visit with Charles Darwi n

(2w,

ZI"E ZEIi1ifli1COTuesday, January 1 9

7pm, SUB Auditoriu m$1 .00 !

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-the hyo could A ca e a molder-

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Friday, January 2 212 :30 — 2 :00 pmSUB Auditoriu m

FREE !

/7k17C / /7- ?/s !Like

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11 Jan '93 The Four Thirty—Two

7

Sales Slips

Michael Chow

Check it out! We have load sof new items for sale! Peopleare literally breaking down ou rdoors to get at our inventory.Visit our office and you'll se ewhy: Roll-up T-shirts, jerse yshorts, new sweatpants, newsweatshirts, new black T-shirts, new white T-shirts, andeven Science teddy bears! Allwith brand-new cool-lookin gartwork. We also plan to bringin baseball shirts,baseball caps ,and slamma-jam shorts .

•

BRAND NEW NavySweatpants! 13-1/2 ouncefleece, 2 pockets, 50/50cotton/poly, only $18 .50 .

•

BRAND NEW AshSweatshirts! 16 ounc efleece, 90/10 cotton/poly ,only $27 .00 .

•

BRAND NEW Roll-up T-shirts! Ash body withblack trim, preshrunk100% cotton, only $15.00 .

•

BRAND NEW White T-shirts! 2-colour left-ches tand 4-colour full-bac kdesigns, only $15 .00 .

•

BRAND NEW Black T -shirts! Metallic silverartwork, preshrunk 100 %cotton, only $12.50.

•

BRAND NEW Scienc eTeddy Bears! 11" tall ,available in white orbrown, only $15 .00 .

•

BRAND NEW Sciencejersey shorts! Ash shorts ,2 pockets, elasti cwaistband, preshrunk 98 %cotton, only $13 .50 .

•

BELOW COST: 100% -cotton embroideredsweaters only $15 !Available in navy, royal orwhite . We have crew-necks and V-necks .Hurry, they're selling fast !

Decorative Delicate;

Orvin La u

During the week of January18-22, if you are in one of thoselucky classes, you just might berewarded with some extra enter-tainment from your usual lec-turer . Well, perhaps "diver-sion" may be a more appropri-ate word, but in comparison tosome profs out there, the diver-sion will be more entertaining .

What will happen is that oneor two people that you probablyhave never seen before willmake an announcement in frontof your class . The typical open-ing sentence will be (fill in theblanks) : "Hello, my name i s , and I'm running for ." But then, you willprobably have guessed at whathe/she/they was/were going tosay, especially if you noticedthe numerous posters withhis/her/their picture that havepopped up on campus . (Evenworse, it could be me) .

Surprise, Surprise!! There is

•

Have you seen the cooles tlooking jackets oncampus? Science jackets :Navy blue melton, wit hnavy and white leathersplit-sleeves, all for only$150 (plus cresting) . Las tchance to order one thi sschool year, deadline :February 17, 1993 .

•

Last chance to order a navyScience cardigan for thi sschool year . Only $35(plus cresting), deadline:February 3, 1993 .

•

Is your team or club lookingfor clothing or uniforms?We deal directly with themanufacturers an dwholesalers to get you th ebest prices around . Mostorders require one week .Compare our prices : 1dozen, 100% cotton Frui tof the Loom standard-weight T-shirts, with afull-front 2-colour logo ,and 2-digit 8-inc hnumbers, all for onl y$13 .50 each (all taxesincluded! )

•

We sell the newEntertainment `93 CouponBooks . The books arepacked with half-pricecoupons for restaurants ,theatres, sports ,attractions, and muc hmore . The Entertainmenthook also offers 50% offon many hotels throughoutthe world. A great way tosample Vancouver' sattractions on a student' L;

budget. All this for only$42.80 (taxes included) .

•

We also sell the new Gold CSavings Spree couponbooks : $12. Use th ecoupons to save onmerchandise, recreation ,movie rentals, and fastfood.

• Our Annual Paper Salle is stil l

(will be) an election going on! .!Yes, towards the end of thi smonth, all UBC students wil lget an opportunity to exercisetheir democratic rights . And itis a big one too, with 12 differ-ent positions up for grabs : twoon the UBC Board ofGovernors, five on the UBCSenate and five AMS Executive ;positions .

Unfortunately, few studentschoose to vote, seeing that theturnout in past elections isabout 10%. A lot of the blamelies with poor communicatio nas most students have no ideawhat people do in these posi-tions, or how it could affec ttheir lives at UBC. So the ydon't bother to vote . The factthat there is no reliable mediasource for student news doesn 'thelp at all . (At least theCampus Times, having justappeared on the scene this year ,is attempting to fill that void .)

However, each of these posi-tions can. affect you, in one wayor another . Here is a break -down of all the positions con -

on! We sell 200 sheets oflooseleaf for only $0 .75.That's half the price you'llpay at the Bookstore, plu sall proceeds will bedonated to charity .

•

Congratulations to lastweek's contest winners :Parimal Rana, first place ;Randy Romero, secondplace . The answer : OurSales Bookkeeper i sactually named Silvinia daConceicao, but feel free tocall her `Dinkleheimer' .

•

CONTEST: One of the Sale sManager's favouriteanimated series i s"Disney's Adventures o fthe Gummi Bears", whichhas been cancelled ,unfortunately . Writedown the names of six ofthe Gummi Bears on a slipof paper along with yourname and phone number,ask a SUS counci lmember to sign your entryand to write down the tim ethat you submitted yourentry, and to place yourentry in the Sales cashbox(for safekeeping) . Winnerreceives 50% off anyScience sweatpants,second place receives 50 %off any Science T-shirt ,third place receives 50%off a pair of white Scienceboxer shorts .

Feel free to drop by and checkout our UBC Science clothin gdisplay. We are in theChemistry building, room 160 .

tested in the upcoming election :

• The UBC Board ofGovernors : a.k .a the Board orBoG. As half of the Universit ygovernment, this is the groupthat controls the operations ofthe University, such as tuitionfees, what building get built,who gets hired, etc . It is theequivalent to the board of direc-tors of a company. Two stu-dents are elected annually to theBoard of Governors .

• The UBC Senate : Formingthe other half of the UBC 'sgovernment, the Senate controlsall the academic functions ofthe UBC. It decide who gradu-ates, what courses you have totake, etc. All those rules in theCalendar are Senate regulations .Five students are elected annu-ally by the student body . Thereare 12 others, one for each ofthe 12 faculties, most of whomhave been acclaimed (nobod yran against them) .

• The AMS Executive : thereare five positions, each with a

AMS Briefs

Janice Boyl e

Hi! It's your favoriteneighbourhood AMS Rep backfrom the Edmontonian DeepFreeze (it was -40 degrees fortwo weeks). I hope all of yourholidays were substantiallywarmer than mine . Since myplane landed, I've spent all o fmy spare time in residence i nmy bikini, with my beac htowel and suntan lotion ,soaking up those incandescentVancouver rays .Not much is new with th eAMS. The fight against the18% tuition increase is heatin gup as the next Board ofGovernors meeting draw scloser. There will be anotherrally held at the upcomingmeeting, AND IF YOU THINK18% IS UNREASONABLE,SHOW UP! The Board ofGovernors meeting is onJanuary 21, and posters will becirculated to let you kno wwhat time to come.In addition, the AMSExecutive elections are fastapproaching, ie . you have onl ya week left before theUniversity is plastered i nvarious shades of neon. Makesure to bring your sunglasses .Voting takes place thefollowing week .The next AMS meeting is onWednesday, January 13, sountil next week .. .

McNighties

Carmen McKnight

Carmen McKnightie s

Happy New Year! I had areally nice Christmas . I hopeyou did too. The snow we hadwas great, until Monday when Ihad to drive to school . It ' s hardenough as it is to get motivatedfor school ; the heavy snowfal ldoesn't provide any extraencouragement .

SUS has a lot of stuff goingon in the next little while .Science Week (third week ofJanuary) is rapidly approaching,as are SUS Executive Elections .A lot of preparation needs to bedone in the next two weeks . OnTuesday evening we could useyour help at our poster party .There will be pizza andBEvERages for those who helpout.

Lots of exciting events hav ebeen planned for Science Weekincluding the Trike Race (regis -tration forms available in Chem160), Beyond the BSc,Gyotaku, Home Brew contest ,Chem Magic Show, Scienc eWeek Dance, and lots of otherexciting stuff. SUS ExecutiveElections take place o nFebruary 15, 16, and 17. If youare interested in running for anExecutive position please comeby Chem 160 and talk to us .Nomination forms will be avail -able soon .

Our Sales Department hasquite a selection of new stock .You may have seen some stu-dents walking around in thenew jackets . Talk to Sales ifyou' re interested in buying one .The deadline for jacket order swill be mid-February .

If you haven't been involvedin the past, it's never too late toget involved . If you're in firstyear science, the SUS is settin gup a First Year Student ' sCommittee designed to orga-nize events for frosh . If you orsomeone you know is intereste din getting involved on this com-mittee, please talk to an exec o rleave us a note.

We're also looking for some -one to fill the position ofExecutive Secretary for thi sterm . This position involvesrecording the minutes of theExecutive and Council meet-ings, being a member of Budge tCommittee, and being an AM Srepresentative for Science . Ifyou're interested in this posi-tion or if you need more infor-mation talk to Stewart Hung ormyself.

We now have anEmployment notice board .During Science Week we' ll behosting Beyond the BSc . Thi stwo day seminar will discus spreparing yourself for the jobmarket (including topics suchas resumes and interviews) .UBC Alumni will talk abou ttheir careers . Graeme Kennedyis the Employment Rep forSUS. If you have any question sregarding employment talk tohim.

I'll see you at Science Week !Cheers .

Captain 31pbblock's' 'famou5 Cream t e

.

(*pecia[

teiia )Abairalie limo rp 25 in *i6.

specific title . Collectively, thesefive are in charge of the studentgovernment at UBC. There i sthe President (top person), theVice-President (is in charge ofStudent Council), the Directorof Finance (controls moneyobviously), the Director ofAdministration (runs the SUB) ,and the Coordinator of Externa lAffairs (deal with the govern-ment and outside groups) .

So each and every one ofthese people have a minutevoice in how the University i srun. And especially since thiselection is one of the few

'opportunities that students haveto participate (short of runnin gthemselves) in the way this uni -versity operates, I encourageyou to get out and vote . Checkout some of the posters thatpeople put up . Look at TheCampus Times and TheUbyssey to find out more aboutthe candidates . Then, with yourstudent card, go to a polling sta-tion and mark that ballot.

8

The Four Thirty—Two Vol 6 No 7

11 Jan '93

"Oh, Beautiful, for Rogers parked, for. . ."

Well, I'll be the first toadmit that of all the things thatI've been accused of over th eyears, being a good driver hasnever been one of them .

In fact, my reputation as areckless menace to the roadgo-ing public is well entrenchedamong my peers. Some wouldeven argue that my driver' slicence looks suspiciously likea heavily doctored Cheerioshockey card . (Which, inciden-tally, presents some interestingfake ID possibilities, seeing asI could probably pass forJaromir Jagr if I didn't cut offall my hair.)

The fact that people areafraid to step near a vehicle towhich I hold the keys, natural-ly, disturbs me somewhat. Imean sure, I have a lead foot, apredilection for changing lanesin the middles of intersections,a vicious impatience for slowdrivers, utter disregard for allthings pedestrian and no us ewhatsoever for that pedal inthe middle, but hey, does that

make me a bad driver?Anyhoo, the reason I'm

bringing all of this up i sbecause I wish to send a mes-sage to all of those who loo kupon me as a driver in muc hthe same light they wouldupon Charles Manson as aBlock Parent.

And that is : thank yer luckystars you weren't with me lastThursday morning . Wouldascared the hell outa ya .

I'll explain: The Sunda ybefore that fateful day, I awokein my cozy of bed at home, tothe smell of Mum's freshly-baked bran muffins and thethought of a good day's jump-ing off cliffs (on skis) ahead ofme, when I noticed somethingpeculiar . (Besides the fact tha tI hadn't broken my nosefalling off my loft at Gage ,throwing a gruesome hangoverinto sharp relief. This was dif-ferent. )

My eye hurt.Casually, I stumbled down

the stairs and asked Mum whatit was. "Oh, it ' s nothing, dear ,just a stye," she said, as moth-ers do . "It'll go away . Have amuffin or six."

Unfortunately, some partic-ular greeblie inhabiting thatspot decided that it'd be a cozy

little place to shack up for aspell . Maybe even settle downand a raise a few milliondaughter cells .

And so it came to pass that Iwas blessed with what doctor scall a Chelasian cyst. Soundsworse than it is — basicallyjust an inflammation of theeyelid that turns into a ratherunsightly little pocket o finfected guck that require sminor surgery to fix. And it' snot like you turn into theElephant Man or anything; theresult is more like that puffy ,baggy-eyed look like Robertde Niro had in Raging Bull (or ,for that matter, like PierreTrudeau has on amr y givenday). Which is good, because"It's a cyst I'm having gougedout" leaves people somewhatill compared to "You think thisis ugly? You should see what Idid to the four bozos that gaveit to me . . . "

So off I went, on theThursday in question, to hav ethis thing removed. Very sim-ple, very easy, save two mino roversights (puns aside) . Onewas that I'm not fond of nee-dles as it is, let alone one thatsomeone I had met only min-utes beforehand wanted tostick in my eye. Fortunately,

the abovementioned surgeo nwas merciful, and before Icould say boiled egg on atoothpick, my ocular regionwas feeling comfortably fuzzy .

The procedure passed with-out incident, save for a nervou sbit when the surgeon closed upby cauterizing with silvernitrate. Now, I couldn ' tfeelanything burning, but I heard acrackle-fizz-pop that soundedlike a bloody barbecue, fol-lowed by a quick whiff ofcrisping flesh . Yecch .

At any rate, this brings us tothe second little oversight, andthe original gist of this wholeblurb . Now that it was fixed,the doctor had placed a patc hover the eye, which I wasrequired to wear for the bal-ance of the day . So,I happilysauntered out of the O/R, look-ing forward to all the coolattention that only a gauze eye-patch can bring, and promptlytripped over a table that I coul-da sworn was five feet away atthe time.

As I pitched forwardtowards Mother Earth, I caughta glimpse of the admittingdesk, out of my one good eye ,standing before me. Oh good, Ithought, I'll just reach out andgrab the desk, and I won't be

bellyflopping after all . Arm sextended, I descended happilytowards the desk . . .

. . .and landed flat on mybeak, missing the desk by agood yard or so .

It was at this time that mybrain was beginning to recallthe importance of two eyes i nterms of depth perception . Youcan see something out of oneeye, but you sure as hell can' ttell how far away it is .

Which brings us back todriving . For a moment, justpicture the scariest driver youknow. Got the image in yourhead ?

Now picture this personattempting to negotiate trafficbetween VGH and UBC withno sense of depth, no peripher-al vision to the right, and agenerally woozy feeling overmost of their face . Gulp.

Miraculously, I made it backto UBC unscathed . But I thinkwhat really drove the poin thome for me was when Ipulled up to the parkade cardreader, and almost fell out thewindow of the car trying toreach the damn thing . Endedup walking over to it. Oops.

I he 1lierobiulu2y ('Iul .the Science nderrradu :Ue Society present :

The Annual Science Wee k

HOME BREWCONTEST

Judging : Frida. . J :uluar'' 22. 199 : ;Contact the lierobi Club for more details .. . soon .

FirstYearStudentsCommittee

The Science Undergraduate Societ yinvites First Year Science students t oapply for the new First Year Student sCommittee.

Nomination forms are available inChemistry 160, and the deadline forapplication is January 25, 1993 .

For information, please contactChris Sing at 822 4235 or 822 6101 .

S LI S T-~ Y u e n sThe

SCIENCE ii)EUe ci t o Y i n

WtIk'P ~~IC MINE'SffAv, iAN/Aev 22,. ESUB g'ALLROO HTix $5 AMS Box Office or SU S

B22,Q P1.25 - ND MINOU

ith The Love Bugs

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