The Odyssey

From the twisted and insane mind of an English teacher

Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell

the story

of that man skilled in all the ways of

contending,

the wanderer, harried for years on

end,

after he plundered the stronghold

on the proud height of Troy.

BOOK 1A Goddess Intervenes

Oh, great Zeus, my honored

father.

Yes, my beautiful

child?

Don’t you think that poor

Odysseus has suffered enough?

I mean, he’s been away

from his home for almost

twenty years.Your point?

I think it is time for Calypso to give up her love toy.

Ok. Where is Hermes. HERMES!?

Oh…hey Zeus. How’s it

hanging?

Hermes, I need you to go to

Calypso’s island and tell her to release

Odysseus.

No prob, Bob!

BOOK 5Calypso, the Sweet Nymph

Odysseus, who sat apart, as a thousand

times before,

and racked his own heart groaning, with eyes

wet

scanning the bare horizon of the sea…

Boo hoo! Boo hoo! I want to

go home!

But Odysseus, don’t you like being my love toy? Aren’t I

more beautiful than your

wife?

Oh, yeah, you are way hotter. But I still miss

her.

Yo! Calypso! Zeus says you gotta let this

guy get home.

Fine. Whatever.

Odysseus leaves Calypso’s island and washes up on the shore in a new kingdom. The king, King Alcinous, welcomes Odysseus and treats him with hospitality. After Odysseus is treated

to a feast at the king’s court, King Alcinous asks him to tell his story.

FLASHBACK

BOOK 9New Coasts and Poseidon’s Son

I am Laertes’ son, Odysseus.

Men hold me

formidable for guile in peace and

war:

this fame has gone abroad to the

sky’s rim.

What of my sailing, then, from Troy?

What of those years

of rough adventure, weathered

under Zeus?...

EAT ME! EAT

ME!

EAT ME!

EAT ME!

Forget your home

Forget your home

Forget your home

When the young Dawn with finger

tips of rose

came in the east, I called my men

together

and made a speech to them:

“Old shipmates, friends,

the rest of you stand by; I’ll make

the crossing

in my own ship, with my own

company,

and find out what the mainland

natives are—

for they may be wild savages, and

lawless,

or hospitable and god fearing men.”

Polyphemus, son of Poseidon

CYCLOPS

What do you want tiny

man?

Just some hospitality.

Keep dreaming! Who are

you?

My name is Nohbdy.

Well, Nohbdy. You look tasty. I’ll

save you until last. I’ll

eat your men first.

NOOOOOO!!!!!

YES…NOM, NOM, NOM!

SPLAT!!!

Odysseus, what do we do? Let’s kill the Cyclops

when he sleeps.

No way, fools! If we kill him, we won’t be able to move

the slab of rock blocking the

door.

I have a better idea.

Do you see that huge tree

trunk over there?

Where?What, are you

blind?

Listen carefully. We are going

to sharpen that into a point and jam it in the big guy’s

eye.

Then we are going to tie ourselves

under those rams over

there…

…and then we can escape without

being caught.

YAY!!! What a brilliant

plan!

http://blog.zebracan.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/cyclops2.jpg

So with our brand we bored that great eye

socket

while blood ran out around the red hot bar.

Eyelid and lash were seared; the pierced ball

hissed broiling, and the roots popped.

In a smithy

one sees a white-hot adze

plunged and wrung in a cold tub, screeching

steam—

the way they make soft iron hale and hard--:

just so that eyeball hissed around the spike.

Nohbdy’s tricked me!!!

Nohbdy’s ruined me!

Seriously, Polyphemus, what is your

problem?

Nanny, nanny,

nanny! You can’t catch

us!

Shut your face,

Odysseus. You’ll make him even angrier.

Oh, what do you guys

know. You’re just stick figures.

Hey, Cyclops! You big oaf! Just in case you

were wondering, my name is Odysseus!

I’m from Ithaca. And I

poked out your eye!

Hahahaha!

LOOK OUT!!!!

Argh!!!! Poseidon, my father. Make sure

that this idiot suffers!!!!

Oh hear me, lord, blue girdler of the islands,

if I am thine indeed, and thou art father:

grant that Odysseus, raider of cities, never

see his home: Laertes son, I mean,

who kept his hall on Ithaca. Should destiny

intend that he shall see his roof again

among his family and his father land, far be that

day, and dark the years between.

Let him lose all companions, and return

under strange sail to bitter days at home.

BOOK 10The Witch Circe

In the entrance way they

stayed

to listen there: inside her quiet

house

they heard the goddess Circe.

Low she sang

in her beguiling voice…

Welcome, strangers.

Uh, duh. You’re pretty.

You must be starving. Have

some food.

Thanks! Nom, nom, nom.

What’s happening to

us? OINK!

Scarce had they drunk when she flew

after them

with her long stick and shut them in a

pigsty—

bodies, voices, heads, and bristles, all

swinish now, though minds were still

unchanged.

So, squealing, in they went.

Eurylochus

Odysseus! Help, help!

The men are pigs!

That’s not a very nice thing

to say.No! A witch has turned them into

actual pigs!

Oh, right. I guess I should go and rescue

them.

O! My man man! Want a

little help?Sure, Hermes.

Thanks

Eat this moly, and it will

protect you from Circe’s

power.

Does it taste like

guacamole?

Just shut up and eat it so you can save

your men.

So, here’s the thing. I’m going to need you to turn these guys back

into people and let us leave.

But, Odysseus, don’t you want to

stay for a while and be my love toy?

Well, I guess.

Now I really need to go, Circe. I

mean, I’ve got a wife to get home

to.

Fine. But you need to go to the Land of the Dead first.

ONE YEAR LATER

BOOK 11The Land of the Dead

Now the souls gathered, stirring out of

Erebus,

brides and young men, and men grown

old in pain,

and tender girls whose hearts were new

to grief;

many were there, too, torn by brazen

lanceheads,

battle-slain, bearing still their bloody

gear.

From every side they came and sought

the pit

with rustling cries; and I grew sick with

fear.

Blood. Blood. We want blood. Blood.

Blood. We want blood.

Eww…you want blood? Ok. I’ll give

you blood if you tell me where to find

Tiresias.

Odysseus, what are you doing in this hell

hole? Ha! Get it?

Ok, seriously now. I know that you want to get home, but you have more suffering

ahead.

Poseidon is pretty angry with you for blinding his son.

There is one route you can take that will keep you away from

that big bully, though.

Once you pass through that danger, you will land on the

island of the sun god.

Now, the sun god can be a jerk, and he is

really a baby when it comes to his cows.

Don’t touch them. If you do “raid the

beeves” your ship and your crew will be

destroyed.

Are you taking notes? This is a lot to

remember. I’m good. I can remember.

Ok. Once you get home, there are going to be some

chumps there trying to move in on your

woman.

Just go ape shiz on their butts and kill

them all. No big deal.

One more thing. After you get your kingdom back, go

make an offering to the jerk Poseidon.

Then, you’ll live happily ever after.

Ok. Can you repeat that again?

BOOK 12The Sirens; Scylla and Charybdis

Square in your ship’s path are Sirens,

crying

beauty to bewitch men coasting by;

woe to the innocent who hears that

sound!

He will not see his lady nor his children

in joy, crowding about him, home from

sea;

the Sirens will sing his mind away

on their sweet meadow lolling.

Can you hear anything?

What?! I can’t hear you. My

ears are plugged with

beeswax!What?!

La la la la la…

Let me loose! So beautiful…

But this is the den of Scylla, where she

yaps

abominably, a newborn whelp’s cry,

though she is huge and monstrous. God

or man,

no one could look on her in joy. Her legs

—

and there are twelve—are like great

tentacles,

unjointed, and upon her serpent necks

are borne six heads like nightmares of

ferocity,

with triple serried rows of fangs and

deep

gullets of black death.

The opposite point seems more a tongue

of land

you’d touch with a good bowshot, at the

narrows.

A great wild fig, a shaggy mass of leaves,

grows on it, and Charybdis lurks below

to swallow down the dark sea tide. Three

times

from dawn to dusk she spews it up

and sucks it down again three times, a

whirling

maelstrom; if you come upon her then

the god who makes earth tremble could

not save you.

Nom nom!

Nom nom!

Nom nom!

NOOOOOO!!

They just had to raid the

beeves.

Do it Zeus. Come on!

KABOOM!!!

Odysseus is the only survivor. He drifts to

Ogygia, the island of Calypso, where he

stays for seven years.

This is the end of Odysseus’ tale to King

Alcinous and the end of Part One.