Volume 456-BR6Issue 20

November 2003

The Official Magazine ofThe Royal Tractor

Repair and MaintenanceSociety of Outer Mongolia

“Bringing You The Best in Tractor Repair and Maintenance Information”

£ 5.99U.K.$ 8.90 U.S.

$ 12.21 Canada℘ 51.89 Esperon

⊄ .05 Cosa Nostra

© 2003 RTRMSOM

AXES AND ALLEYSVolume 456-BR6Issue 1801 October 2003 (N.G.)

Published by the Royal Tractor Repairand Maintenance Society of OuterMongolia.

118 Egin River Road, Suite 900Tsagaan-Uul, Hövsgöl V68-9912Peoples Republic of Mongolia

_______________________________________

STAFF

PublisherSir Lionel Buxton Humbridge

Editor in ChiefPogrot C. Tsedendal (Mrs.)

PhotographyBernard Roosten

Copy Editing and LayoutBuckminster FoleyI.M. PayeFrank Lloyd Reight

AdministrationStar McGurneyAngus Lopez

Graphics and IllustrationsAbraham Lincoln (no relation)

CoffeeJacob Coffee (just a coincidence)

ResearchDelores P. Grunion

Legal CouncilGarmet JonesLaw Offices of Humphrey and Skizzini

FreelancersHogrid Amanden (deceased)Charles Finneus BuchhamptonAlouicious P. StoatwobblerDJ TrickyfingersLilly Saunders (age 10)

A VERY SPECIAL

END-OF-THE-WORLDISSUE

Coming Soon!

We here at Axes and Alleys must reportthe latest very unfortunate news. It seems asthough this world we have come to love and dwellupon is coming to an end next Tuesday. Therefore,we must apologize as this will be our final issue.

This was first brought to our attentionwhen Dr. Sigmund G. Folive, our residentEgyptologist, turned in his latest report on theprecise scientific measurement of the GreatPyramid of Cheops in Egypt.

It seems that when one multiplies theheight of the Pyramid (481 ft.) by themeasurements of the bases (4 x 775.75) and thenmultiplies that number by the degree of inclination(51°) and then divides the total by the number ofblocks used in the construction (2,300,000); andwhen this sum is multiplied by the number of starsin the Milky Way Galaxy (605,166,825.22) you getthe number 20,031,021,915 which corresponds tothe date October 21st, 2003 at 9:15. Archaeologistsare not sure, however, as to whether this indicatesan evening or morning apocalypse.

They are certain, though, that this iscorrect as they have found hieroglyphs which statethat the Pyramid was built specifically for thepurpose of determining the end of the year by usingthe Neo-Gregorian calendar and modern Imperialunits of measurement.

So, readers, enjoy this last issue and have anice Doomsday.

Axes and Alleys: Caution: Do Not Insert In Ear Canal.

WrittenCorrespondences

from good naturedgentlemen who haveread our previousinstallments and

wish to comment onsome aspects

thereof

Esteemed Sirs and Mdmes,Throughout your previously printed

perambulations and-nay, at times, peregrinations -thru the punctillia of terrestrial wonders, I have seenvery little attention given to a subject very close to myheart and indeed as important a matter as therepossibly is.

I am talking about the very ground itself:soil, in all its magnificent permutations, the veryearth onto which the first slimy little pseudovertebrates crawled and upon which we, the moreadvanced and infinitely more slimy vertebrates, nowcrawl! Dirt, not to put too fine a point on it, mybailiwick, if you will.Sandy, loamy, claylike, muddy, ah, we betray ourshame of the dirtiness of our origins by reviling ourmother Earth day in day out-like the time my nannycaught me rolling on the parlor floor in herfoundation garments that I’d “borrowed.” “You dirtylittle boy, “she fairly bellowed- though at the timewhat dirt had to do with anything, I am hard pressedto tell, unless of course you consider that she mayhave been worried about my rolling in her freshclothes and would probably have to clean them again.I didn’t think it was dirt I got on them.

However that may be, I think we haverelegated a mistakenly lowly estimation to dirt. Itgrows all our food, holds the trees down and ourhouses up.

Why, many people do not even know thenumber of different varieties and types of dirt thereare or that it is often full of decomposing andfermenting nutrients so very difficult to obtain in anormal modern diet. Why I myself am not abovetossing a spoonful in my morning porridge and keepa sort of larder containing jars of the many differentkinds for when friends of similar predilections dropby-you should see our meetings!

Now there are some dirty little bastards ifyou like! All smeared and dripping- well, let me notdigress. Suffice to say, we would love to see morearticles and studies along these lines-with pictures!What say you-let’s have a little more dirt-eh?

All the best in your tireless endeavors to civilize thisclod, one reader at a time,and here’s mud in your eye,Yours Truly,

Sir Evans Wang-Chung,(President, Malaysian Society of Soil Science)

Dear Persons to Whom This May Concern:I would like to whole-heartedly congratulate

you on the grandiose triumph of your invasion ofNorthern Italy. The swiftness with which you laidwaste to the villages of the Lombards serves as aninspiration to us all, as does your burning of thepurulent settlements of Venice. So, chip chip cheerioto you, good people, and much luck in your furtherendeavors and excursions.Love,

Leo X of Sicily

To Axes and Alleys,Last month’s issue featured Sammy “The

Dark Wombat” Sneed’s nature article “How toIdentify Various Types of Frogs’ VomitousExcretions.” This article, unfortunately, featuredseveral factual errors. First and foremost, the vomitof the Hobson’s Lesser Grounded Frog (Ceratophrysmigmum) is paste-like, with very very few bits of gritand extraneous pieces. While Sneed apparently feltthat this vomit was coarse and gummy, I would haveto disagree. Secondly, the Boring Frog of the UpperEsperon Delta (Ceratophrys sansodor) has nevervomited in captivity and thus the true texture of itsnaturally-occurring oral escapations cannot bepositively known. Mr. Sneed has based hisidentifications of Boring Frog vomit only on thevomit of captured frogs which, from what Iunderstand, bears little resemblance to thehypothesized vomit textures of the wild frogs. Thisdoes not appear to be fully scientific. Everything elseappearing in the article was spot-on, though. Goodwork, Sneedy.

Luscious Hattermourne(Professor of English Literature;University of Chad)

Dear Cap’n,It is very lucky that many of us are not shot

on a daily basis. Why, I myself have ventured frommy home on many daily occasions and have rarelyhad the flesh of my body torn to shreds by theterrifying power of shells, bullets, musket balls orharpoons. How fortunate for those of us who remainalive each day.Victor Zokhast(People’s Liberation Army)

A Table of Contents(Contents Arranged in Ascending Order)

Norway Invaded!A Scandinavian Report of a Worrisome Nature

page 5Documentus Illuminati, Part VI

Our Continuing Look at the History of Humanity

page 6How to Do It

LeMuel LeBratt on How to Build a Working Automaton

page 9A Guide to Animals

By Resident Poet H.G. Peterson

page 10Dear Montezuma

Aztec Ruler Guides the Unfortunate Through Life’s Tribulations

page 11A Report on Letters and Peoples of the Spanish Indies

By Scott Birdseye, noted Historiologist

page 15Part XCXII of Our Guide to Aquatic Biology

How Anemones Work

page 17Esperon City Community CalendarCompiled for the Benefit of the Rabble

page 18Illustrations of Humorous Concepts

Ibid.

page 19Gossip About the Town

With Adeline Burris Youngling, a Flighty Woman

page 20A Serialized Story

A Dramatization of an Expedition to the Moon.

page 21Special Editorials from Our Publisher

The Great and Mighty Sir Lionel Buxton Humbridge

A special news update

NORNORNORNORNORWWWWWAAAAAY INVY INVY INVY INVY INVADED!ADED!ADED!ADED!ADED!MARMOSETS EFFECT TAKEOVER IN LAND OF FJORDS

(Above) Flying High: New Norwegian dictator, Lumpy,presides as the Neo-Norwegian flag is hoisted above thecapital of Oslo .

Will it Never End? Denizens of Oslo cower as Marmosetaggressors begin to move in for the kill. When will thecarnage end? Dear God help us all!

OSLO- Continuing a nearly two century trend inmomentous governmental change for Norway,marmosets captured the entirety of Norway’s rulingparliament, the Storting, today. Chief Marmoset ofBattle, Harold Longteeths, proclaimed“grrrraaaworweeep!”

The decisive move is more than likely thelast in the boldest invasion since that of Sweden inthe 19th Century. The Royal Family is reportedly onthe run in Norway’s northern tundra. A division ofmarmoset commandos has been trailing King HaraldV and the Crown Prince, who fled thepalace and their respective wives in a fit of cowardice.

With the marmosets now creating aprovisional Neo-Norwegian government, protestsfrom around the globe seem impotent at best. “Iunderstand that Norwegia has been attacked today. Iknow some white people are very upset at thismoment and I would just like to say I feel their pain,”said President Bush of the U.S.

However, other world leaders seemparticularly gleeful over the takeover. “I think thosedamned Norwegians got what they deserved. Maybe

now the marmosets will share the women with us,” ajovial Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy declared.

It is not clear what the marmoset’s next moves inNorway or beyond will be, but the other Scandinavian countrieshave been girding for war, with backup evacuation plans toIceland and Greenland in the works, the next year appears to beone of the greatest movements of Scandinavian peoples sincethe year 994.

Documentus Illuminatipart vi

An In-Depth Explorationof the

History of our World(the Earth)

The Current Masters of the Illuminati

Lucianno Biscotti David Aroumond Sir Camdon Midge Brezny Van Clatterhorn

Across the galaxy there is a massive political, military and religiousorder known only as The Arcane. On Earth, little is known of TheArcane except that they are descendants of the beings whooriginally built the Universe. They value a power source known asGnossis; an energy which holds together all matter and isgenerated by certain rare species, among them Human Beings.

Many thousands of years ago Humans were verypowerful, due to the fact that we could generate our ownBiognossis. The people of that time had the power to violate so-called “laws of physics,” an ability intrinsic to those beings who canharness the power of Gnossis. The Humans were giants, ten feettall. They could fly, move about between different areassimultaneously, turn invisible and manifest all manner of psychicabilities. They were ruled by a theocratic sect called the HighPriests of Nephellium.

In roughly 20,000 B.C. The Arcane came to Earth andforged a corrupt pact with the High Priests of Nephellium. TheArcane would be allowed to construct a Machine in thecore of the Earth which would drain the naturally producedGnossis from the Humans. In exchange,

the Priests of Nephellium would be given residence on Mars, freefrom the Machine, where they could live forever while retainingtheir natural powers. On the plains of Mars, The Arcaneconstructed a vast beautiful city full of wealth and riches andsurrounded it by an atmospheric dome. The city was christenedCydonia.

The Arcane brought in the Gribbish, a diminutive,dwarf-like, slave race from a distant world. The Gribbish wereforced to dwell in the core of the Earth as troglodytes,maintaining the Machine for generation after generation. Tooversee the entire operation, The Arcane built themselves anadministrative base on Molad (the planet between Mars andJupiter) where The Arcane Governors would dwell.

The Humans still on Earth, unbeknownst to them,were sapped of their powers as the Machine drained their life-power from them over the years. The Machine absorbed theirGnossis, leaving them to provide star-crushing power to the WarMachines of The Arcane. On Cydonia, the High Priests ofNephellium remained unaffected in their role as underlords ofthe new Earth system.

The Martian City of Cydonia; Ancient Wonder, Modern Ruins

The Gribbish work deep in the Earth’s core.

Cydonia was destroyed utterly and the Illuminatiexecuted many of the Nephellium.

But, as the Atlantians reveled in victory,The Arcane Governors prepared to launch a bombtowards Atlantis. Jeman sympathizers, however,sabotaged the bomb and it failed to detonate,allowing the Atlantians time to utilize their deathray. The first blast destroyed Molad completely,leaving it only as a scattered asteroid belt betweenthe orbits of Mars and Jupiter.

The few survivors of Molad fled back toThe Arcane Construct who, for reasons yetunknown, have not yet attempted to take back

This system functioned flawlessly for thousands upon thousands of yearsuntil around the year 4000 B.C. when Jemus, an Arcane Overlord from thefar sideof the Universe, rebelled in an attempt to take control of The Arcane andtheir system of Gnossis-Gathering Machines spread across the Cosmos.

In the year 4004 B.C. a Jeman army landed on Earth and gatheredtogether a select group of the enslaved Humans. These individuals were toldabout The Arcane and their corrupt pact with the Priests of Nephellium. TheJemans taught the Human leaders mathematics, science, writing and otherforms of learning. The Jemans also gave unto the Humans an incrediblypowerful weapon called The Key; a device which will, when the time is athand, enable the Humans to destroy the Machine and free Humanity forever.Fearing that The Arcane would find The Key, the Humans disassembled itand hid the three pieces in the remote corners of the world, awaiting the timewhen Jemus would come to Earth to save Humanity.

After imparting knowledge and giving The Key, the Jemansdeparted to continue their war against The Arcane. Unfortunately, within afew years the Jemans were defeated in the war and cast out of The ArcaneConstruct forever. After the war Jemus himself went into hiding, vowing toreturn again and defeat The Arcane once and for all.

On Earth the Human leaders, full of new knowledge, formed asacred group; The Masters of the Illuminati and created a singular worldgovernment centered in the mighty city of Atlantis. There they began usingJeman technology to build a fleet of airships which served as flying battleplatforms. They also began to construct a gigantic laser ray of massive power.

In only a short time, the monitoringstations of Cydonia enabled the Priests of Nephellium to discover theadvances being made by the Illuminati. The Priests launched an attack onthe Illuminati airbase on the Nazca Plain and scored a victory by destroyingthe shining Human city of Tiahuanaco.

In response, the Illuminati massed its forces in the plains of Perseand began to prepare for a counter-attack. They were caught unprepared,however, when the Nephellium descended upon them with fury. In theensuing battle, the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were reduced toradioactive ash and the Illuminati‘s armies were forced to retreat back intothe safety of the stronghold of Atlantis.As the Nephellium moved in toencircle the City of Atlantis, the Illuminati launched a desperate all outcounter-attack. Though the attack decimated the city, the Nephellium wererepulsed and driven back to Cydonia with the armies of the Illuminati inpursuit. In a cataclysmic event,

control of Earth. Most probably this is because their insidious Machinecontinues to function fully, enslaving Humankind with the manacles ofphysical laws and providing Gnossis to power the weapons and worlds ofThe Arcane despite the Illuminati’s attempts to destroy the Machine andfree Humanity.

Back on Earth Lucifer, believed to be the last of the Nephellium,used a secret weapon to destroy Atlantis, which sank beneath the wavesof the North Atlantic forever. The few Masters of the Illuminati fled to theSecret Island of Reme, where the city of Reme had been founded earlier byRemus, brother of Rome’s founder Romulus. On the Hidden Isle of Reme,the Masters of the Illuminati set up a clandestine government overHumankind, using hidden means to control Earth’s civilization to guide ittowards an eventual future when Earth can unite, destroy the Machine andfree themselves from The Arcane forever.

Look Forward to Further Instalments

The Sigil of the Order of Nephellium

Skull of Lucifer, last of the Nephellium

Arcane Overlord Jemus(artist’s concept)

Part VII- An Arcane spaceship crashes in Siberia in 1908 A.D. and allowsthe Russian Communists access to powerful technology, prompting theUSSR to break away from the Illuminati and set up their own Order ofLenin as a prelude to an attempt to take over the World and the Galaxy.Two World Wars ensue.Part VIII- When a Jeman ship lands at Roswell, New Mexico in 1947, theUnited States discovers the secrets of Cydonia and begins a program toeventually send troops to Mars to try and discover the lost Nephelliumtechnology.

Courageous Autodidacts worktirelessly to uncover the truth about theevil Arcane Construct. Pictured here:

Himie Von Branigan.

how to do itwith regular commentator Lemuel lebratt

This week’s Slow Torture Tutorial with LeMuelLeBratt has been indefinitely postponed. Thisweek we offer you a replacement column instead,authored by Mrs. Marcia Mountbatten, Esq. Mrs.Esq. is a famous expert and knower of all thingsmechanical.

In this column, Mrs. Esq. will instruct youon how to construct a mechanical automaton andperhaps also how to make it function. Thisautomaton will be able, with little effort, tomaintain the appearance of the home, yard andvestibule.

It will perform laundering tasks, of bothclothing and money. Our mechanical automatonwill function as your own personal in-homecertified public accountant and banker. Feel freeto leave your money with him.

Also explored in this week’s column, howa mechanical automaton can service you,including: oral sexual relations, anal sexualrelations and other forms of physical pleasure.

Conversely, we will also explore how yournew mechanistical man will be able to slowlytorture your political enemies, personal enemiesand neighbours. Pesky problems will vanishinstantaneously with torture!

Never before seen images of thenefarious, home constructed being will be shownto you, along with easy to follow instructionalpanels relating to construction and maintenance.

Well, we hope you enjoyed this month’s“How To Column,” be sure to check back nextmonth when regular commentator LeMuelLeBratt returns from his vacation in the beautifulland of Esperon.

STEP O1

STEP 02:PROJECT COMPLETE

a guide to animalsby H.G. Peterson

“A Guide to Animals”

Animals are heterotrophic and composed of many cells That are Eukaryotic with membranes and organelles

If you wish to describe animals, I offer one more suggestion One must of course mention, they nourish by ingestion

Symmetry of body in all animals can be foundBilateria has mirrored halves, while Radiata is just round

But Bilateral animals each have a headA thing called cephalization, or so I have read

Phylum Cnideria, of which jelly fish form a partLive much time as Medusas but are Polyps at the start

Phylum Ctenophora use cilia to move aboutTo gather up food on their sub-aquatic route

Phylum Platyhelminthes are worms which are flatLike tapeworms that live in the gut of a rat

Phylum Rotifera provide many benefitsAnd reproduce by a thing called parthenogenesis

Phylum Nematoda are a rounded worm bunchThey’ll cause trichinosis and make you lose your lunch

Phylum Mollusca includes snails, oysters and squidAnd other such things that a Kosher diet will forbid

Phylum Annelida are worms of the segmented typeAnd each of their segments resembles a stripe

Phylum Arthropoda’s a big group of armored thingsLike lobsters, mites, ants and bees which have wings

Phylum Chordata’s animals all have a nerve cordThey are the most well known of all the animal hoard

Reptiles and Amphibians are two of this categoryAs are Mammals, Fish and Birds, and so ends our little story

If you need to know more, ask a scientist and he’ll mail ya’Lots more information on Kingdom Animalia

H.G. Peterson is a renowned big-gamehunter, explorer and arm-chair strategist.He is currently serving in the position ofArch-Bishop of Budapest.

ASK MONTEZUMAAdvice from everyone’s favorite

Aztec monarch.

Montezuma: Lost his empire to menwith belts, blunderbusses and beards.

In this week’s Ask Montezuma, I will generously take thetime to answer some correspondence I have receivedover the past weeks regarding various answers whichhave been given by this columnist to sundry readers ofthe article who have chosen to write in. And so, on to theletters. –Monty Z

Dear Montezuma,

I write to you in consternation at your response to FAG DAD (Issue18, Ask Montezuma). Your description of the proper time at whichto plant butter beans was wholly inadequate and, quite possiblythe worst part, incorrect. Butter beans should be planted at thesame time as chick peas (more commonly known as garbanzobeans) and preferably near them as well.

Sincerely,

Abraham Q. Wellingsworth, Adm.

Dear Abe,

I’m afraid I must disagree with your presumption of agriculturalexpertise. Apparently you are ignorant of the many latitudes theflat plane of the Earth encompasses. FAG DAD was a reader fromBedmont Fieldstone, clearly in a latitude more amenable to theplanting of butternut squash than garbanzo beans (morecommonly known as chick peas). I suggest you pick up a copy ofMontezuma on Gardening ($19.98) at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Montezuma

Dear Montezuma,

I protest vehemently your response to Pepin (Issue 17, AskMontezuma) in Issue 17’s Ask Montezuma column. Clearlythe vicissitudes of post-modern sibilant exhalation have casttheir pall upon your cultured brow. Heartily I suggest thatyour cephalic area be removed from your duodenal regionhenceforth.

Regards,

Sal, Ontario, Canadia

Dear Sal, Ontario, Canadia,

The peripheral failings of your ideology occur once thephilosophical failures of your reasoning begin to take shape.A secondary characteristic of such processes renders yourgenetic contribution to others null and void. Copulatorywonders must, inherently, escape your purview andlogically remain outside your bailiwick. I refer you to mycolumn in Issue 4 on the secondary nature of deity in thepost-Reformation church.

Yours truly,

Montezuma

an exploration of thecorrespondences of the

Spanish colonials

by dr. Scott g. birdseye

Scott G. BirdseyeCurator of DrinkingVessels, Imperial BritishMuseum of House-waresand Cutlery.

The early years of the sixteenthcentury saw a flood of newimmigrants who came to theAmericas. These emigrants fromSpain took to their new home,founded cities and missions, wagedwars, explored, traded, mined,farmed and proselytized. Thesesettlers, businessmen and soldiersdid not forget the Old World andmaintained contact with theirassociates, families and rulers inSpain. The letters they have writtenprovide insight into the varyingways in which the Spaniards viewedthe natural environment of NewSpain and the natives whichinhabited it. From the nobles, withtheir minds set on conquest, controland colonization; to the tradersconcerned with survival and profit;to the clerics seeking souls toconvert and assimilate, each groupof Spaniards saw the landscape andthe Indians in a unique light relativeto their own place in society and lotin life.

The nobility, the rulers ofthe encomiendas and subjugators ofthe land and its peoples, came to thenew land for

various reasons and found there theresponsibility of founding andmaintaining a new society underunique conditions. Therefore, theseencomenderos, governors, andviceroys burdened themselves withmatters of logistics and sought toanswer the difficult questions ofwhere and how to settle in order togain the most profit from theirventure. Pedrarias de Alvil,governor of Terra Firma inPanama, wrote to the king in 1525and described the naturalenvironment in terms of potentialresources and value to Spanishsettlement and colonization. In hiswriting about the native peoples,the governor spent little timediscussing their culture or way oflife, but rather referred to them insimple, quantitative termsdescribing only the location of theirvillages and giving roughpopulation estimates. The scantqualitative assessment he did giveof the native peoples is in referenceto their souls and to the practicesinvolved in their conversions toChristianity. However, even in thisportrayal, he limited himself onceagain to quantitative figures.Avila’s descriptions of the land andof the natives are consistent withhis place in society and with thenature of the responsibility of hisoffice. His discussions of matters offood supply, fresh water and largenative populations are consistentwith the important logisticaldecisions which had to be made inorder to find suitable places tosettle large colonies.Other members of the nobility, suchas Andres Chacon, an encomenderoin Peru, tended to follow Avila’stype in their descriptions. WhileChacon did describe theenvironment as “luxuriant” he also,through his descriptions, sought toprecisely define luxury in numericalterms; including numbers of figtrees, grape vines and fish caught.In describing the natives, Chaconalso failed to differ from Avila inany significant way as he referred tothe natives only in terms of thelabor which they

could provide. Other Spanishnobles such as Don Luis de Velasco,viceroy of New Spain, saw the nativesin two ways; first, as a potential dangerto Spanish interests, but also as animportant potential resource for supplyand labor. It makes sense, though, thatthe nobles would limit their views ofnature and the natives and see themonly as resources. Whether searchingfor settlement sites or maintaininglarge encomiendas, the artistic givesway to the pragmatic and the nobles,while limited in their views, wereconsistent with their times indescribing these elements in terms ofsurvival and eventual profit rather thanin a more esoteric light.

Spaniards of the commonclass were not much different in theiraccounts of the nature and natives ofthe New World and such is fitting asboth groups met with similar problemsand tasks in America, the foundationsof which were matters of survival andprofit. Their letters, like many of thenobles’ writings, served a propagandafunction as many commoners sought toentice relatives, particularly nephews,to join their ventures in the New World.There were important differencesbetween the writings of the nobles andthose of the commoners, however, asthe commoners, being lowlier in status,were more willing to view the natives aspeople rather than as resources.

One such description of thenatives can be found in the writings ofAndres Garcia, a petty trader in MexicoCity. He wrote to his nephew “theIndians are a nation held in muchesteem.” This statement about thenatives was written as an explanationand defense of his marriage to anIndian woman and bears out his viewsof the natives. While Garcia did notnecessarily view them as equals of theSpanish, he did view them as actualpeople and was fully able to findhappiness in taking a native as his wife.Unlike the nobles, he does not see themonly in terms of souls to be convertedor resources to be worked.

Other commoners, such asMartin Fernandez Cubero, a clothtrader, and Antonio Mateos, a farmer,also wrote to their nephews anddescribed not only the profit whichcould be found in America, but also ofthe vast riches of the natural landscape.In their attempts to lure their nephewsto the New World with promises ofwealth and inheritance, thesecommoners took time to put down theirown thoughts on the environment ofthe Americas. While their descriptionsare generally short, they paint a pictureof a world of vast natural beauty andrichness. Other commoners’descriptions however, did show adistinct difference. Alonso Morales, a

did not view the Indians in aparticularly good light he did see it ashis paternalistic duty to protect them.Franciscan monk, Fray Pedro de Gante,also held to this paternalistic idea, buttended to view the natives as fullycapable people and described theirmany accomplishments and abilities;particularly their talent as scribes,speakers and singers. Gante also,however, felt great pity for the Indians,especially the extreme poverty of theirsituation, and called for the Spanish tocare for them and protect them as afather cares for his children. This samepaternal view was also held byDominican monk Fray Andres deMoguer, who described the natives asdisobedient and delinquent and evencalled for their punishment. Theseclerical views of the Indians, asexpressed by the writings of the SpanishCatholics, indicate the ways in whichoccupation and status influenced thepeople’s views of nature and the natives.

Throughout their writings, theSpanish emigrants of varying classesand professions illustrate how one’sown place in society can dictate his orher own views of the natural world andother people. While the nobility saw theNew World and it’s peoples as resourcesto be worked in order to gain profit, theclerics saw themselves as the spiritualfathers of the natives, as protectors anddisciplinarians. The common peoplesaw new peoples with which to interactand new lands which could provideunknown economic security. In each ofthese three cases, the status andoccupation of the letters’ authorsinfluenced their views of nature andnative peoples.

tailor, wrote about thelandscape not in terms of naturalresources, but rather as an obstacle.His portrayal of a journey from theshore of Los Angeles tells aboutdifficulties in dealing with climate andof the diseases which were rampant inthe New World.

Together, the tales told bythese common people show a differentpicture of the Americas than do thewritings of the other classes ofSpaniards. While others did show onlythe best sides of the new areas, otherswere more willing to show some of thedangers encountered in theenvironment; and while the nobles’descriptions tend towardsquantification some commonersdescribe good relations between nativesand Spaniards and view the Indians assomething other than labor and soulsto convert.

Conversion of the Indians toChristianity was the concern primarilyof the Spanish Clergy, of which therewere a great many in New Spain.Conversion being their concern, theclerical view of the native peoples wasone based almost solely on occupation.Both the regular and secular clergyviewed the natives in a paternalisticway and saw the Indians, in varyingways, as children, sometimes to bepitied and other times to be punishedfor disobedience. Bishop FrayFrancisco de Toral of Yucatan typifiedthis idea of the natives. He describedthe oppression of the Indians at thehands of the governor and viewed theIndians as “hapless,” unable tounderstand or act upon their situationin a proper manner. While the Bishop

our guide to aquatic biologypart xcxii

how anemones work

ESPERON CITY COMMUNITYCalendar

(Month of Springtober 2003)

The Pandatown Community Players will be holding open auditions for theirSpring production of Hallor E. W. Satchel’s extra special play “The UntimelyDeath of the Circus Clown Moxie.” Parts available include: Flootie, Mr. Poppers,Mrs. Poppers, Evil Toaster, The Organizer, Simbone, Torp-Torp, Second Robot(understudy), Narrator, Other Narrator, A Different Narrator and ThePhysician. Stop by the Yoyo Avenue Theatre, Jupiday, Venday and Andromiday.

Sunday the Daughters of the Sino-Russian War will hold their bi-annual UncleAwareness Week Bruncheon. The guest speaker will be Delores P. Grunion,President Pro-Tem of the International Guild of Women’s Aquatic Table TennisReferees. Noon to Three at the Fraternal Order of the Wombat Lodge 64,located at 12-89 Steam Street in Roper’s Landing North.

The Southside Community Blood Centre offers free ebola screenings thisTuesday and Wednesday. Come on in to find out if you have the deadlyhemorrhagic plague. Free cookies and orange juice.

Saturday Bookreadings at the Esperon Public Library continue next month.This week, hear Shannon Tourniquet read her novella Shard of Myself, in whicha lesbian rocket scientist working with Werner von Braun discovers herself…anda new propulsion fuel for rockets. Also this month:Thomas Gene Crantston reading All the Underpants of the World, B. PrimerMagus reading Of the Heliophile Zoodonts and Dr. Patrick Kilroy readingPodiatry Care for Children.

The Erin P. Murphy-MacGruder Memorial Bowling Team will be facing offagainst the Jean-Baptiste du Zudenheit Falafel Wahabi Tutsi Takamoto SoftballTeam in the semi-final round of the International Volleyball Tournament thisSaturday at the Fairgrounds. Gates open at Noon.

Quonset Hut Walking Tour 2003! The Quonset Hut Walking Tour InterestGroup (QHWTIG) has scheduled this year’s walking tour for this Thursday!QHWTIG invites you to come out and join us for all of the exciting events,including:Visit to the Chalmert St./Vacation Ave. Quonset HutCorrugation Inspector training session at The Quonset Hut Co.Visit to the Bobo Municipal Airport quonset hut and snack bar.And much more!!! Sign up now and get a free sun visor. You’ll need it! CallQHWTIG at 724-8989 for more information or visit www.QHWTIG.com.

Illustrations ofhumorous concepts

NEWS OF A CONSUMATELYFRIVOLOUS NATURE

BASED upon THE EXPERIENCES OF the ROVINGPHOTOGRAPHERS AND SPIES under the employ

OF THIS ESTEEMED magazine IN RELATION TOPERSONS OF A WELL-KNOWN NATURE IN THE

ENTERTAINMENT ARTS AND SCIENCES

Eating EmperorRenee Bautista and Zolban theMagnificent, supreme ruler of the SepiaSector of the Galaxy, were spottedcanoodling at Portly’s Bar and Grill bysomeone in the know. Our spy told usthat Renee was sporting a mighty bigkumquat on her finger…

Cloned Copy Banana EaterStar of film, screen and stage, andmajor proponent of a meat only diet,Alan Guthman was seen eating abanana on East 1762nd Street. Whenasked for comment, Guthman’s flak SidSidney stated that the person eating thebanana was actually Guthman’s newclone Tom.

Conquering Nomenclature

Alexander the Great has completed his campaign through south-central Asia, an area known for high crimeand barbarian gang violence. Apparently, Mr. Great has named a city for his horse, Bucephalus, skirting hisregular tradition of naming cities for himself. An insider has stated that Anturpal III has planned to name acity in Eastern Parthia after his left shoe, in response.

Seen Not Seen

Who was seen eating northine platunes in the park yesterday? Which famous zoning superintendent has apregnant teenage daughter, artificially inseminated by the reanimated corpse of a long dead king? How manyentertainment lawyers yesterday screwed in a light bulb? Which movie actress had absolutely nothingfantastic to say or do over the last year, including insights into yoga or the Kabbalah?

Head for Hair

Arnold Comproy has created a new method for clothing the human person. “I’ve discovered the brilliant ideaof cutting the coverings from common animals, such as sheep and goats, and turning them into a covering forhumans.” The new method, not yet named, is tapped to be the greatest invention since the creation ofcoverings for humans from plant materials.

With Adeline Burris Youngling, Woman of the Metropolitan Area.Ms. Youngling is a fashionable member of the Ladies’ Fig Cake

Baking Society of North Uxbridge, Montsylvania.

an expedition to the moon!Part i: A Gentleman’s Wager

A Scientifically Fictional Narrative for Learned Gentlemen

It was a good evening for a latesupper and hence the well-endowedfellows had gathered at the RoyalSociety for a light supper of roastedhollandaise pheasant with mustardtoasted Ceylon rice and tomatoeswith a sort of dry bread crumbtopping. Alongside was a brisk saladof cucumber and radish, fresh andsucculent, wet with the dew of thenorth country.

Afterward were served asavory toast of melba with brie andother soft Continental cheesesarranged on a silver platter forconvenience. Ethiopian coffee wasbrought out in perfect porcelain cupsand matching saucers which bore thesymbol of the Chinese dynasty ofMing. Raspberry almond tortescomplemented the festivities. Thetortes were of course prepared by theRoyal Society’s expert pastry chefPierre DuMonde, a Parisian whosesaucy attitudes were equaled only bythe sauciness of his casseroles. Hehad served under the rotund andmustachioed Belico Concito, aSpaniard master chef whose Liberiandelicacies were well sought after bydiscerning gentlemen of the more

mixture of Welsh linen and Egyptiancotton. The coat and vest, festoonedwith tails, were a woven ermine hairwith sable trim, cut about the shouldersin such a way as to accentuate theglimmering epaulettes. The double-breasted suit was fastened by goldbuttons, each a full three-quarters of anImperial inch across, with silver inlaydetailing an engraved emblem of theseal of the Earl of Cuxwold. The Earl’spantaloons and breach hampers werematched in the Cumberland style oftrouser. His shoes were double-claspedIrish leather of the antiquated sort, acunning colliery on the whole of theensemble.

As the bell tower terminatedits pronouncements, he spoke with thecuckholded voice of a half-enraged,half-timid bullfinch.

“Gentlemen,” he began, “Ipropose a wager.”

Be ready for next month’sexciting installment:

“Part II: A Most InterestingPiece of Furniture.”

fashionable palates and of the morefashionable of London’s districts.

On the evening inquestion, the grouping of gentlemen,purveyors of the insatiablytrophened consumables of the RoyalSociety, moved their persons into theanteroom. There, the servants placedin each manicured hand a decanterof Cognac, a birch-barrel agedbeverage from the distillers of theruddy Chateau de Bivouac deepwithin the rolling hills and rustledfronds of the Cognac region of theFrench Republic.

As the bells of the Churchof St. Francis the Aggressor (a gift tothe town from the Ladies’Association of Gardeners of LowerBuxley) began to chime out nine ofthe clock, Sir Rutherford Limney-Smythe Humbridge, Earl ofCuxwold, stood up his imposingtwelve stone figure upon his ivorycrutches, his cleft chin and low cutjaw the mark of the Humbridgefamily since the days of Edward IV.His freshly-starched shirt and cuffswere from Lloyd’s and Halbart’s ofDorset Street and were a finely hewncream colour, a dainty

editorialsfrom the desk of editor-in-chief

Sir Lionel Buxton HumbridgeUtterances of an Opinionated Nature from the Editor of Axes & Alleys

McGinty PoorChoice forWest DakotansToday this pre-processedexternal memory modulemust protest the vilecandidacy of one HectorMcGinty. Mr. McGinty, if hecan be named as such, isrunning for the WestDakota CongressionalDistrict 589 seat inCongress. We find hisplatform of honesty,integrity and gravy to bereprehensible. Specifically,the gravy portions of hiscampaign.

That gravy could becheaply and speedilydistributed to peoples of allclasses in a timely fashion atminimal cost is absurd andinsulting. Does Mr.McGinty, a filthy semblanceof a man of Ecuadoreandescent, truly believe thatsuch class-baiting vitriol onthe subject of gravy is trulya cohesive campaignplatform which will bringhis constituents together?We think not.

Mr. McGinty’s gravypolicies will only hurt WestDakota, the Nation andgreater portion of OuterMongolia. This publicationsays “no” toHectorMcGinty*. We mustinstead officially backRepublicrat Candidate DaveNansyboie, a great WestDakotan who believes ineverything for which thispublication stands.

*This publication will, however,take Mr. McGinty’s money inexchange for ad placement.

Children Named Arthura NuisanceWhile we agree that mostchildren are nuisances, weat Axes & Alleys have cometo the conclusion, throughlogic and careful use ofintellect, that childrennamed Arthur are asupreme nuisance insociety today.Forthwith, wecall for the extermination ofall current entities underthe age of 15 who have beende-ennobled by theirparents with thehorrible moniker of Arthur.

Furthermore, weimplore the State HouseGrepublindecrat leadershipto pass S.H.B. 1327,banning the affixation ofthe name Arthur to all birthcertificates, driver’slicenses, credit cards, socialsecurity identifications,student visas, passportsand other official or official-looking certificates.

Failure to followthrough with our plan willquite likely result in thedeath of society as a wholeand the diminution of ourgreat State. Soon we may beonly a society of Arthurs,blandly tossed about by acold wind of indifference.Never!

Mr. Conan Doyle, shamelesslyand openly named Arthur.

Dave NansyboieRepublicrat Party Candidate

Hector McGintyBlue Party Candidate

Classified advertisements

FOR SALE:Modern statuary kit. Includeshammer, chisel and poor senseof perspective andproportion. Optional abstractattachments included. Offergood while supplies last. $35basic, $45 with abstractionskit. Yell Mike from yournearest window and I’ll comerunning.

FOR SALE:International pastacollection. Includes variouskinds of pasta from countriesas varied as Italy.

FOR RENT:One mummy. Available onweekends only to good homes.Great with kids, housetrained and knows a fewtricks. Contact Sarah at 737-0726.

WANTED:One orange. Must be ripe,with peel and seeds. Foliagedesirable, but not necessary.Call Leonard ASAP. 746-9645.Can only pay by credit.

FOR RENT:Radio Flyer Wagon. Fifteendollars a day or best offer.Red aluminum wagon with pullhandle. Children notincluded. Only three wheels.Contact the Archdiocese ofBlephuria, Normansville, KY.

FOR SALE:Small child.758-9298

MISC:This Saturday come look atme. One dollar per viewing,three minutes per dollar.Only this Saturday. Personalcheques not accepted. Noflash photography. 718Brooklyn Rd.

FOR SALE:The Internet. Owner andcreator seeks to sell largelyuseless and time-wastingmodern technology forcheapest possible prices asquickly as possible. CallAlbert at 458-923-1616 withbest offer before Thursday.Leave a message.

WANTED:Bad camel to spit on enemy’smotor cycle. Abu, box 29.

FOR SALEOne t-styled shirt bearing theverbal caption “I am in leaguewith this ignorant person”above an arrow indicating theperson next to which the weareris seated. Robert V.Holderdash, electricaltelephoning machine number 718-552-0972.

FOR SALE28 cubic parsecs of hydrogen,mostly in lightly concetratedcloud form. Perfect for newstar or nebula just gettingstarted. Contact Bok, 7-1110-191373-018.

FOR RENTOne kidney. Please return aftersixteen days of use. Noalcoholics, please. Call Dr.Kim Dae Milford at St. JosephusVeterinary Care Center,Cleveland, Maryland, 02813.

FOR SALEOne diamond necklace. 3.25microns in circumference. Lastowner anorexic amoeba withdeathwish. Please contact ColinEscherischia at 632-8572.

FOR ANNEXATIONDacia. Available for theinvasion of three RomanLegions. Cheap deal, availablefor short time only. CrossDanube for details.

WANTED16 deviled eggs of 1963 origin.Must have been cooked by Mrs.Denny Armbuster of 16 PlenaryLane, Elmhurst, KY and herhusband. Jake Armbuster. CallChinny Sambusen at 734-4444.

GPT WOELMgor owrkllk klt whek.Iowlpqltoil, smwitop olk woitNorth Dakota. Oiwplyie,deiswpotiwkkoplwklklkljklowwoi.Coiwjplwlk oiwpoi ironwoikltilks. I lkw s stiow tklw.Oiopwplkd woitkll sowith soiwhwoiw oiw ooap plwlk ao woit oio 75 dollars.

WANTED:Skilled gastrointestinalsurgery at the cheapestpossible price. Must be askilled surgeon with medicaldegree and residency. No quacksneed apply. Write to:Jerry Orman32 Nob Ln.Oberhausen, KY45736

MESSAGE 63627

FOR SALE:Left shoe. $5 or best offer.Call Nerm, 725-7275

FOR SALE1 (one) gross of edibleBishop’s Miters. Garlic,Bananarama, Pina Colada,Creamed Corn, Very Berry, otherflavors as well. Call Tim ofTim’s Ecclesiastical Bakery,718-997-8271.

WANTEDFunny Business costume withtassels. Silver or Magentapreferred, but will accepttaupe in crinoline material.Will pay top-euro if helmet andkneepads are included. Mike, POBox 63710-02, Katharinetowne,KL, 64722.

DESPERATELY NEEDEDAircraft carrier, either Nimitzof Foch class. Operationalsteam catapult a must. Will payup to £5. Arnold, box 31.

WANTEDOne Zeppelin© Brand rigid frameairship needed for cross-Atlantic Atlantic crossing.Must be able to spontaneouslyburst into flames during normaluse. Zippy the Snail, 457-2811.

FOR SALEOne million, three hundredthousand, fifty-six (1,300,056)squirrels, many with intacttails. Free Yale t-shirtincluded. £500. Call TonyBlair, 10 Downing St. London,SW1.

POSITION AVAILABLEHitman needed to hit man.Details provided. Lance Mc.Gronting, 212-212-2112.

Axes and Alleys

was

Conceived, Written and Produced

by

Scott Birdseye

and

Jeremy Rosen

2004 A.D.

for more information please consult

www.danielbester.com