the osweonion

VOLUME MMO ISSUE GWIIApril 1 Edition 2014 • THE JOLLY STUDENT RAG OF OSWEGO STATE UNIVERSITY • www.osweonion.com

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.DISCLAIMER

Devon Nitz | The Osweonion

Freshman dies after lonely lunch

Luke ParsnowMystery [email protected]

Suspension over cup violationStudent suspended for breaking one cup rule

Daniel O'Connor | The Osweonion

There are no signs of the student who was lost in the Shineman Center a few weeks ago on a tour.

Sports Laker Review Osweonion.comOpinion

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BEARING DOWN BEARLY OFF GROUND "BEAR" GUITAR

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Ronel PuelloMeh [email protected]

Future student lost in Shineman for weeksStranded student survives on Nucleus Cafe, EZH2O dispensers

Daniel O'ConnorFormidible [email protected]

Tragedy has violently touched Oswego State’s campus, leaving countless students, friends, and educators reeling with news of the death of freshman Kenneth Nardmann.

Nardmann, a banana-hammock engi-neering major from Beaverton, Ore., was last seen eating alone in Pathfinder Dining Hall before he succumbed to a rare form of cardiac implosion associated with high lev-els of embarrassment.

Remembered for his affable demeanor and impressive bench press regimen, Nard-mann’s untimely death didn’t surprise some of his peers.

“Nards was always kind of a loose can-non,” said classmate Bobby Bahngwatter. “I told him he could have waited for me so we could’ve ate together, but he wanted to beat the 12:30 rush of people with their friends. I

An Oswego State student has been suspended from all dining hall privileges until further notice after he was caught taking more than one to-go cup from Lakeside Dining Hall.

Sophomore Tom Ato said he wanted to bring a cup of chocolate milk back to his room for himself as well as bring a cup of or-ange juice back to his sick roommate. Dining hall staff member Ginger Snapper noticed Ato walking out the door with two cups in his hands and physically prevented him from leaving.

“I told her it wasn’t that big of a deal,” Ato said. “I even told her I was doing a good deed for my roommate that had the bubonic plague and just wanted some OJ. She didn’t want to listen. She took both cups from me, dumped them out, then held me in the dish-washing room.”

Auxiliary Services established a limit on the number of to-go cups a student could take out of the dining hall during

the fall 2011 semester. Due to the extreme destruction of the Amazon rain forest and delays in shipment to the college because of crippling snowstorms between 2006 and 2010, Oswego State has suffered an alarm-ing shortage in the cups. The rationing law passed by Auxiliary Services states, “Stu-dents are limited to one and only one to-go cup when exiting any SUNY Oswego dining hall at any given time. Dining hall staff are instructed to take any measure necessary to enforce this policy.”

“I’m just doing my patriotic dining hall duty,” Snapper said. “I see a lot of other staff members clearly see other students leaving the place with two or even three cups in their hands. We are in a crisis here. There is a sign by the exits that tells students the rules of this. No one leaves with two cups when I’m on duty.”

This incident has made many students on campus think twice before trying to sneak multiple cups out of the dining halls.

“I used to take cups out all of the time,” freshman Mac Aroni said. “But I love food so much, I can’t imagine being banned from be-ing able to walk the 20 feet from Johnson to get food. I need Wing Night and the ice cream and sometimes even fruits to survive. Food.”

Ato was immediately sent to a hearing at the Office of Judicial Affairs and has been suspended from all dining halls and charged with theft, resisting angry lunch ladies and endangering the thirst-quenching of other students. His online dining dollars have also been revoked as of Monday and he will be moved to the disciplinary residence section on the first floor of Seneca Hall next week.

“It’s a good thing I like Ramen,” Ato said.

In February, a group of prospective stu-dents was given a tour of the newly built Shineman Hall. Nine high school students went in, but only eight came out, according to communication major and student tour guide Lee Ving.

“We left after the astronomy presen-tation,” Ving said. “I made it clear to the group to stay close or they’d risk being left behind. It’s not my fault if students decide to wander off.”

In an exclusive interview, the Osweonion was able to locate and interview this infa-mous lost prospective student of Shineman Hall. It all started with a routine trip to the planetarium where the student, Stu Pidd, said he fell asleep during his first tour of Oswego State.

“I was surprised my student guide Lee Ving had just left me like this,” said Pidd. “Those chairs in the planetarium were just so comfy. When I finally woke up, the doors were locked and my phone was dead.”

Pidd, who has been “trapped” in the build-ing since, has been living off of the Fusion Café and EZH2O water dispensers for suste-nance. He would also live off of snacks left in Shineman’s many lounges. To stay clean, Pidd would take occasional showers in the Innova-tion Wing’s emergency eyewash station.

“Lemme tell you, if I have to eat one more Clif Bar from the café, this Shineman building ain’t gonna be so shiny anymore,” Pidd said. “Speaking of, why does everyone nickname this place ‘cinnamon?’”

Pidd, who has been struggling with the building’s layout since becoming lost, blames Shineman’s “uneven floor plan.” He said that

Aimee [email protected]

See PLAN, page �

not all the elevators bring students to their floor destinations and the staircases “criss cross.”

“I’m just so confused,” said Pidd. “Why are there two second and third floors? Why do the ‘lower’ floors have room numbers meant for ‘upper’ floors? I mean seriously, who designed this place? M.C. Escher?”

According to Pidd, many times he reached out to the math and science students of Shine-man Hall, only to be left ignored and shunned because he is a prospective English major.

“I just didn’t feel like Stu Pidd deserved to

See DEATH, page �

See LOST, page �

Earlier this week, an investigation by the Osweonion staff lead to the discovery of Oswego State’s real master plan.

The master plan, Oswego State’s grand plan for construction over the next few years, features changes to the campus that are much more opulent and, quite frankly, awesome, than anticipated.

Up until now, the administration had been hiding its true master plan for the campus under the thin veil of a fake mas-ter plan that added a few new buildings to campus.

The real master plan reveals more than just a few new construction projects; cam-pus transportation is set to be entirely over-

The Osweonion is distributed every April 1st, but this year Friday came first, so deal with it.

CONT

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Real 'master plan' unveiledWhen you hear this man you'll never think the same way about construction plans again


Shanna Fuld |The OsweonionAn artist's rendering of Onondaga Hall's resident squirrel. The squirrel likes trail mix. Like, a lot.

Squirrel in Daga elevator

Shanna FuldSherlock [email protected]

Secret life of MyOswegoCampus Internet service battles dark days; requested 2-5 a.m. off

Ryan DeffenbaughPen [email protected]

An investigation by the Osweonion has revealed the whereabouts of myO-swego between 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. each morning, when the system inexplicably shuts down.

While the idea that an Internet system should need to close during certain hours has long been a source of confusion for students, it has been revealed that, follow-ing a harsh semester of being roundly and viciously criticized, myOswego requested a few hours each day to recuperate and find “its zen.”

“It’s been a really rough semester for myOswego,” Bill Lumbergh, head of tech-nology for the school and longtime friend of the system, said. “He keeps a very ac-tive Twitter account, so he saw what they were saying, about being ‘terrible’ and ‘ru-ining registration for everyone’ and really took it to heart.”

Lumbergh said myOswego mostly just uses the time to sit on a bench near Glim-merglass Lagoon and stare at the water re-flectively. He also likes to feed geese, who, he once told Lumbergh, “accept him for who he is.”

Especially hard for myOswego this past year was the launch of DegreeWorks, which sent the system into a mid-life crisis.

“Here’s this shiny new toy, coming in and taking some of the main functions away from myOswego,” Lumbergh said. “So how could he not be upset? And yeah, he acted out a bit.”

Lumbergh said myOswego mostly re-belled by shutting down whenever pos-sible during fall registration.

“He saw a chance to show he was still in charge, and maybe believed the prob-lems would fall back on DegreeWorks and we’d let the old guy come back and run the show again,” Lumbergh hypothesized. “But then he saw that it all came back on him and he became pretty much catatonic at that point. That’s when he asked for the time off.”

Lumbergh said he often wonders each morning whether myOswego will come back. So far, he always has.

When reached for comment, myOswe-go kept his eyes on the lake, head down.

They’ll never understand me,” the sys-tem said between muffled cries. “They’ll never understand me.”

Ryan Deffenbaugh |The OsweonionMyOswego spends his nights roaming campus and often sits on the benches near Glimmerglass.

Residents of Onondaga Hall have voiced complaints to several resident as-sistants throughout the past week concern-ing strange noises issuing from the leftside elevator.

Students asked custodian Maurice Con-serje why there were noises all throughout the day and night coming from the elevator.

“Freakin’ squirrel,” Conserje said under his breath.

Students that live in proximity to the elevator say that the squirrel is a large dis-turbance to their daily and nightly routines.

“Most nights I sit in the common room and eat trail mix while I do my homework. But not anymore!” said Ar-dillana Jones, sophomore and resident. “Whenever I try and do some snackin’, that damned squirrel is scratching and whining at my door! I have to share ev-erything with him.”

Girls like Jones who can’t seem to get some alone time are hoping the squirrel problem gets taken care of, but Oswego ani-mal activists says otherwise.

“If the squirrels are happy with their new home, it’s against animal rights policy to force them out,” Fanny Nuez said. “It’s just as much their home as it is yours.”

It is not only the activists that say the squirrels should stay, but some building administrators and residents agree as well.

“We’ve never had a mascot before. It could be really fun. Like a community pet,” said Rubia Acosta, assistant hall di-rector.

Acosta has been assistant hall director for three years now, and couldn’t be more excited about the new addition to Onon-daga Hall.

“I love that little guy. He reminds me of my dog Charlie. Every time I see him in the elevator, he gives me a lift. Sometimes when I really don’t want to go to class, he’s the reason I get out of bed in the morning,” said Brian Freedom, senior and third floor resident.

Freedom and his suitemates all have begun to call the squirrel “Poca Mierda,” which translates to “little sh*t” in Span-ish. They see Poca Mierda just about every time they use the elevator.

“Sometimes I get into the elevator ex-pecting to see that squirrel, and he’s not there,” Laura McCarthy said. “I wonder where he goes. One time I went down to get my mail. He wasn’t in the elevator and I thought he was gone forever, but then he was there on my ride back up. He’s always playing tricks on me.”

Squirrels in Oswego come and go, but seeing as most people love Poca Mierda, he is welcomed to stay until he feels ready to go. Some students will just have to learn to share their trail mix and living environ-ment with the squirrel who just needs a community to love.

Car in 2 spots gets flippedResulting video makes Oswego GMA famous

Olga ReyesPigeon [email protected]

Two Oswego State students flipped a car parked in commuter lot 32 on Monday, causing major damage.

Juniors Ann Gree and Ray Gin managed to flip over a 2006 BMW 3 Series, claiming the car took up two parking spaces.

“It’s ridiculous that these students have no respect for other commuters,” Gree said. “There’s a lack of parking spots for commut-ers as it is, but the fact that some of these stu-dents are taking up two spaces is just disre-spectful.”

Gree and Gin, who are also housemates, said they often commute together because of the lack of parking spaces in the mornings.

“We were running late to class and saw that this one car was taking up two parking spots,”

Students confused over fake articles on online satire publications

This onion has layers; confusion ensues

Seamus LymanBlue Route [email protected]

Students at Oswego State are not sure about the validity of some recently pub-lished articles from the satirical websites, creating mass confusion on campus.

Thousands of shares could be seen on Facebook and Twitter for an article that claims that a Taco Bell would be opening in the Shineman Center. Several students were seen waiting inside the building with signs that read “Bring us T-Bell.”

Dylan Weed changed to a Biology ma-jor after finding the article on Facebook.

“I’m not a science person, but it was going to save me the trip to Syracuse,” Weed said. “It would also be safer. I wasn’t going to have to worry about driv-

ing back to Oswego after hanging out with my girlfriend, Mary Jane.”

Weed found out last week that the ar-ticle was satire. The sophomore has started the process of changing his major back to creative writing, but will need another year to complete his degree.

“I thought that since it was on Facebook it was credible. You know they filter that stuff,” Weed said.

Other articles published as satire stated that a residence hall would be closed in the middle of the semester, there was a high-speed chase at 25 mph on campus and that Lupe Fiasco had cancelled the SAPB spring concert because he could not find Oswego on a map.

“I’m just so confused by all this,” Sheila Cross, a senior education major, said. “So Lupe Fiasco was going to come here the entire time? I thought one of the organizers drove from Oswego to him to show him the way.”

Other students thought that Oswego would be instating a fashion police force, which sparked violent protests and a cer-emonious Ugg burning in the Quad.

“I know people in Oswego suck at fashion, but let them dress how they want, man,” said freshman Jack Kilfish.

Kilfish heard of the false policy “through a friend of a friend who saw the headline on Facebook and shared it.”

One student decided to change the way they dress in fear of punishment. They re-quested to remain anonymous because they still fear that they may still receive tickets for their fashion choices.

“I had to go to the mall and buy new clothes,” the student said. “I can’t afford any fines right now.”

As for the expected false articles to be published this year, several students are al-ready bracing themselves for the storm on April Fool’s Day.

“I’m going to read them then decide if they’re real or not. If it’s on Facebook it has to be true,” Cross said. “There’s laws that prevent people from posting fake things on the Internet.”

PAGE dos TUESDAY, April 1, 2014THE OSWEONION

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H8s U Editor | Collin Leadbeater

Gin said. “We got so angry that we decided to teach that person, and everyone else watching, a lesson.”

Gree and Gin then flipped the car, which promptly landed on top of the Ford Focus parked next to it.

Dee Bahg, owner of the BMW, said she al-ways uses two parking spots for her car.

“My car needs extra room because it’s luxurious,” Bahg said. “Who in college has a BMW? I need to make sure it doesn’t get scratched when I park it.”

University Police officer Marshall Law ar-rived at the scene after receiving phone calls from worried students in the parking lot.

“There was glass shattered everywhere and kids were gathering around the flipped vehicle,” Law said. “I’ve never seen anything like this. I mean, how do two kids have so much strength to flip a car? It’s just insane.”

A large crowd of commuting students formed around the flipped car shortly after. Many students, including friends of Bahg, posted pictures on social media websites like Facebook and Twitter.

“I checked my Facebook in class and I saw a bunch of pictures of a car flipped over on top of another car,” Bahg said. “I thought it was hilarious until I saw the pink interior and real-ized it looked exactly like my car.”

Bahg then ran to the commuter lot to see the flipped BMW and students still tak-ing pictures. She said Gree and Gin rallied around her damaged car and shouted, “Take

two spots and we’ll flip you,” to the crowd, who cheered them on. Bahg then spotted Law and proceeded to take legal action against Gree and Gin.

“Like, I just can’t believe people are this mean,” Bahg said. “I mean, I just wanted my car to not have ugly cat scratches. My car made the lot look super sleek and now it’s just com-pletely ruined. So what if I took up two spots? That’s nobody’s business but my own.”

Pictures of the flipped BMW were retweet-ed so many times on Twitter under the hashtag “#FlipTheBMW” that it was mentioned on Good Morning America Tuesday morning.

“When I heard pictures of my flipped car were being shown on GMA, I was totally psyched,” Bahg said. “I mean, it got screen time on TV. Yeah, it’s destroyed, but at least people got to see it.”

Bahg said she is seeking legal action against Gree and Gin, but her efforts have been unan-swered by Law or University Police.

“I’ll make them pay for a new car,” Bahg said. “This time, I’ll get a Benz.”

Gree and Gin said they are pleased with the media attention on their actions.

“I don’t regret flipping her car,” Gree said. “This way, other commuters on campus will see what we’re capable of. Take two spots, and we’ll flip your car. It’s that simple.”


PLAN, from COVER

Secret life of MyOswegoCampus Internet service battles dark days; requested 2-5 a.m. off

be helped,” said zoology major Boris Todeath. “One must learn how to master Euler’s ‘Ko-nigsberg bridge problem’ to get around this building, obviously.”

Shineman Hall, which officially opened in the fall of 2013, was labeled as Oswego State’s newest eco-friendly and sustainable campus building.

“Sustainable and Earth-friendly? This place is more like 230,000 gross square feet of living hell,” said Pidd. “There is so much information in this building on environmen-tal sustainability, yet I cannot seem to make it back to the first floor. You’d think with all of the science and mathematics going on in here, they’d be able to provide a functioning eleva-tor system.”

After the interview, Stu Pidd tried to fol-low the Osweonion staff out of the building, but ended up only making it from the second upper floor to the lower third floor and wan-dering into an anatomy course.

guess he ended up getting a table for one.” According to eye witness reports, Nard-

mann was seated alone and looked like a “complete weirdo” for doing so.

"Like I know that college is all about experimenting,” said Christina Gorgon-zola, president of the Suffolk County Pride Commission. “But he just looked so alone sitting there, I wanted to know if he had any friends, but I got caught up in a snap war with my friends across the table. So sad though.”

Nardmann’s alleged friends are com-ing out of the woodwork and offering their two cents on the subject. Jose Banks, a junior chips and salsa major made it a point to re-mind everyone that Nardmann, did in fact,

hauled. In addition almost every building will be renovated to some extent. Even the Campus Center and the Shineman Center, which will be updated over the summer, are getting some minor facelifts. Both these buildings will have computers installed on the ceilings of most classrooms, certain hall-ways, and definitely the bathrooms.

“I’d heard whispers around Campus Center about one day having computers on the ceiling, but I didn’t think that day would be so soon,” Campus Center em-ployee Facel Essman said.

All the academic buildings will have in-terior changes. This includes replacing all the desks with velvet chairs and couches, adding marble flooring in most of the build-ings, and chandeliers on any ceilings with-out computers.

The grand addition to the quad will be an 80-foot statue of Sheldon. The design was inspired by Greco-Roman art and will feature Sheldon riding a Plattsburgh Cardi-nal and raising a sword in triumph.

Other additions include a total overhaul of the dining halls. They will now feature a sit-down style option with waiters and even a classy wine menu. Lakeside Dining Hall will require men to wear jackets and ties once the renovation is complete.

Culkin Hall is also due to receive some impressive additions and renovations. The building is going to be doubled in size, taking over the current Culkin parking lot (the new Culkin parking lot will supplant a commuter parking lot, so stay tuned for those complaints). The new building is go-ing to be styled after the architecture of the Emerald City from “The Wizard of Oz,” with pure gold plates coating parts of the outside in addition to green spires and win-dows.

The president of the college expressed excitement in a statement yesterday that the new building would express so much school spirit: “The new Culkin hall is going to be the star of the show on green and gold day from now on!”

Director of Facilities Rich Moore said that the idea was not what they originally planned.

Computers on the ceilingNew campus will feature monorail, opulence

“We really wanted to go for height, but then when I was watching the Wizard of Oz on Blu-ray the other day I knew this idea was better,” Moore said. “It’s perfect because it’s ‘Oz.’ Get it?”

Moore also said that the changes to Culkin are not even as extravagant as they originally had hoped.

“We had to let go a little with the inte-rior design to make up for the gold plating. We had hoped for crystal chandeliers in the elevators, but we were only able to put them in a few offices instead,” Moore said.

Culkin isn’t the only part of campus that will look completely different. The blue route will be replaced by a Disney-style monorail that will circumvent cam-pus. There will be two lines, similar to the current set-up, with one of the monorails traveling to Rice Creek and the really far away parking lot.

The monorail will run over most of the campus buildings, which will decrease the ride time by a few minutes. But that’s not all. There will also be an underground shuttle added, which will run back and forth between The Village and Rich Hall, making stops in between.

Some students are upset that the new master plan does not add a bridge over Glimmerglass Lagoon. The president’s of-fice released a statement explaining that there are no changes in that area because of the high population of geese residing in that area. The administration recently denied the Osweonion access to records about geese life secrets, and the lack of development in the area suggests that the administration seeks to continue to protect the interests of the geese.

“I’m so mad! I hate walking from the Village all the way around Glimmerglass Lagoon. The stupid geese always hiss at me and now because of them there won’t be a bridge,” student Steph Dinpoo said. “I know I could just take the monorail or the underground shuttle, but sometimes I just can’t wait 10 minutes for it to come.”

One building on campus, Lee Hall, won’t be undergoing any changes.

“There just wasn’t any room in the bud-get,” Moore said. “Beside, there always has to be one creepy building on campus. And that’s a state mandate.”

Seamus Lyman |The OsweonionThere are computers on the ceiling. Here they are. Soon there will be more. It will be very cool to see.

With Village selection tougher than ever, students go to the extreme

Sophomores resort to human sacrafice

Amanda BintzPussyfootin' [email protected]

Four Oswego State sophomores have confessed to charges of breaking and en-tering a Village townhouse and kidnap-ping and assaulting a freshman student, all of which they allegedly committed as part of a failed human sacrifice.

In their confessions, the students ex-plained they had been attempting a ritual pagan sacrifice to the Roman goddess For-tuna in order to increase their chances of getting into a 4-person townhouse in The Village for the 2014-2015 academic year.

The freshman student, John Sonbabie, was found unconscious by University Police the morning of March 3 in The Vil-lage’s A, C and E parking lot drenched in fake blood with lacerations on his neck and wrists and a pentagram drawn on his stomach with charcoal. He had no memo-ry of how he ended up in the parking lot.

“I’d never even been to the Village before,” Sonbabie said. “I woke up and I didn’t even know where I was. I was just all sticky and a car was honking at me be-cause I was passed out right in the middle of a parking spot. I don’t remember any-thing after I got back from Late Night the night before. It was Famous Bowls.”

Primary suspects in the case from the start because of their arrest that same morning for breaking and entering into C4, sophomores Jessica Ven, Ryder Broom, Wanda Weighvin and Vicky Dwich were later charged with kidnapping and assault as more evidence came to light.

“On the morning of March 3 when their break-in was discovered, the sus-pects said they just wanted to see what size the rooms were so they could plan their setup for next year,” officer Cary A. Baj said. “But the evidence was against

them. One of them had fake blood on her shirt and charcoal on her hands and an-other had matches hidden under the flap of her yoga pants. It was pretty obvious from there what was going on.”

Further investigation of the scene in C4 yielded more damning evidence, includ-ing another larger charcoal pentagram drawn on the living room carpet with black candles, recently lit, placed at every cross-section. A golden statuette of the Roman goddess Fortuna was in the center of the pentagram and had Sonbabie’s fake bloody fingerprints on it. Also, a printed copy of a page from the popular DIY website Wiki-How entitled “How to do a human sacri-fice,” with notes planning the crime in the suspects’ handwriting was found nearby. The students were charged immediately af-ter the search was completed.

“We weren’t really gonna kill him,” Ven said. “We figured, you know, that goddess was Roman, they didn’t know when people were really dead back then. So we thought if we just cut him a little and put enough blood on him, we could fool her. It totally didn’t work, though.”

The students were so intent on getting into The Village that they were willing to endanger a fellow student, risk expulsion and incur the wrath of a 2,000 year old god-dess of luck. Even so, the four sophomores were still unsuccessful in The Village’s gen-eral housing selection process. Now they will not be living on campus next year at all as they are currently facing expulsion.

“It was just ridiculous, y’know?” Broom said. “We got our lottery numbers and we were like, seriously? Mine was 957. Wan-

da’s was the best and hers was 844. We were never gonna get in. We were desperate.”

“It was totally a joke at first,” Dwich said. “I was like, man, everyone else has a senior in their group or they have a group of six—we all have an average amount of credits for sophomores. We’re [******]. So I was like, jeez, what do you have to get into The Village as a sophomore in a group of 4? Make a human sacrifice?”

As soon as details of the case were re-leased, suspicions arose on campus that the students responsible for the attempted human sacrifice might be part of the Pagan Association. The four sophomores charged have never had any affiliation with the or-ganization, however.

“We had nothing to do with this in-cident,” Winnie Sanderson, high coven priestess of the Pagan Association said. “We don’t condone it either. That’s not what pa-ganism is. Plus, The Village is a ripoff. I pay $20,000 a year and you’re telling me I can’t even light a candle in my room or burn in-cense? How am I supposed to perform my daily altar upkeep in those conditions?”

With the four sophomores’ confessions on the record, their expulsion from the school imminent, and their intent to plead guilty to all charges made known to author-ities, Sonbabie has said he is just glad the ordeal is over and those responsible have been caught.

“I don’t get why everyone’s so crazy about getting into The Village anyway,” Sonbabie said. “The dorms are so great. You can just walk right to the dining hall when-ever, there are always movie nights in the lounge. I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of it.”

have friends. “What do you say about a senseless tragedy

like this? Kenny was my bro and he shouldn’t have been forced into an unsafe situation like that. I just hope other kids at this school learn from his mistake,” said Banks.

A candle light vigil will be held Wednesday night in his honor and the table where Nard-mann was seated will be donated to an orphan-age in Africa. The college is offering counseling hours to bereaved students and spearheading a program to encourage students to constantly have dining hall buddies lest they meet the un-fortunate end of Nardmann.

“It’s great knowing the school is tack-ling this silent massacre that happens ev-ery day at schools around the country,” said Banks, now sporting a “Nard 4 EVA” button. “All I gotta say is, real friends don’t let friends eat alone.”

Student in hot water over illegal parking

Collin LeadbeaterH8s U [email protected]

University Police engaged in an armed standoff with an Oswego State student on Monday at 6 p.m. in the employee parking lot next to Mary Walker Health Center.

James Heaton, a junior, parked his car in the vacant lot and proceeded to exit his car, when six UP patrol cars swarmed upon him. Twelve officers emerged from each car with

weapons drawn and ordered Heaton to stand down.

“The suspect did not respond at first, so I ordered all officers to fire upon his tires in or-der to keep him from escaping,” Lieutenant Adam Cain, the commanding officer on the scene, said.

After that, Heaton proceeded to lie down on the ground while officers approached him. Sergeant Bobbie Jean then used her taser on Heaton to ensure there would be no struggle. Officers then apprehended Heaton and took him into custody.

Heaton has remained in University Police custody, and has not been allowed to speak to anyone, and has been fed two meals of bread and water each day. The Oswego State presi-dent issued a statement commending the offi-cers on their handling of the situation.

“First off, I would like to thank all the men and women of the University Police force for keeping our campus safe once again,” the president said. “Students can rest easy know-

ing that only employees can park in employee lots, despite the fact that they are usually half-empty. Our efforts to inconvenience commut-ers remain vigilant.”

Heaton will not be released from UP un-til he appears before the judiciary board next week, where all indications show he will be ex-pelled and blacklisted from attending any oth-er university in the U.S. and most of Canada.

“Scum like Heaton don’t deserve a future,” judiciary board member Mary Lou said. “The sign clearly says ‘employee lot.’ If he can’t read the sign, then he either can’t read or is too dumb to attend college.”

UP impounded Heaton’s car, and the school plans to sell the vehicle and use the funds to begin the process of creating more employee parking lots. Resident assistants in Seneca Hall, where Heaton lived on campus, have already removed all of Heaton’s belong-ings and sold them in order to pay for new cof-fee machines for each department.

LOST, from COVER

Prospective student lost in Shineman Center ignored by most, starving

Candlelight vigil held for fallen studentDEATH, from COVER

THE OSWEONION PAGE �


H o r o s c o p e s b y W i t C h a g u r l

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22):

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 23):

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):

It’s been a long winter, Aries. Your personal problems have piled on you like snow. Don’t fret though, the end is near. There’s a high chance you be will overwhelmed you, resulting in a mental breakdown. Say goodbye to hard times and hello to padded walls.

It can be hard to stick to a peaceful agenda when disruptions keep popping up. Try taking a vow of silence. This may play a key role in the solutions of your hefty load. This will work wonders on your social life. Society and you can both benefit from a little separation, Taurus.

Yur imagination is buzzing. Instead of sharing the ideas that are flying around your mind, sit in a quiet space and handwrite them. After you’ve finished writing, throw out what you’ve produced to save your family and friends the shame of being associated with you.

A lost object is haunting your conscious this week and it threatens to consume your attention if it’s not found. Since short-term memory, long-term memory and general thinking aren’t your strong suits, you have to use a non-conventional method to remember your positions.

You’ve been having troubling dreams lately, including forgetting your pants and poop stains. It’s most likely to do with that important presentation you have to make. If luck was in your corner, which it isn’t, you would just stammer a little, but you’ll probably crash and burn, Leo.

You’ve been riding a financial high as of late. All your needs have been provided for and monetarily speaking, things couldn’t be going better. Since pushing your luck has always done you well, try a new habit: gambling!

It’s that time of year again. Your hormonal juices are flowing and you are seeking a mate. Your dating luck has always been strong since Pluto

The betrayal you’ve been dreading is coming, Scorpio. It will not be obvious and will probably strike when you least expect it. This leaves you with two options: run or suffer. Your best plan of action would be to retreat to a far off frontier such as Alaska.

A great business venture is on the horizon for you, Sagittarius. All the numbers add up and it seems like a done deal, but beware! Saturn sits in the shadow of the moon. While the deal looks prosperous, it is probably false.

A mass of deadlines is approaching you, Aquarius. Maintain your independence and defy them! Deadlines are only enforced on those who aren’t brave enough to demand more time. Did America listen when the British told them tea time was over? No! They drank their tea and had a big party without the British- past the deadline, that is.

Uranus is hot on your tail and love is around every corner. Remember when you’re given the chance, say yes to adventure and to someone you haven’t dated before, such as someone small, or even made of paper…like a newspaper. Are you single, Pisces?

STAFF EDITORIALGEESE LIFE TRANSPARENCY NEEDED

Last Monday, The Osweonion filed a Freedom of Information request for in-formation pertaining to the disciplinary records of all Geese Life organizations on campus over the last three years.

It was earlier this week that we were told by the Oswego State administration that our request was denied. The adminis-tration claims that the records are protected from disclosure under GERPA --Gaggle Ed-ucational Rights and Privacy Act.

The school’s decision was met with great disappointment, given that GERPA only applies to an individual goose’s re-cords and we were looking for data on the whole gaggle.

We appealed the decision, but the school maintains that our requests still run afoul of their disclosure procedures.

This begs the question: What is the school hiding?

The geese should not be allowed to sim-ply hide behind a language barrier or the fact they are, like, not actually humans. They gather around Glimmerglass Lagoon and hold meetings that are rumored to be for the Gaggles of Illumination, AKA the goose illuminati. These rumors, of course, are unsubstantiated. But, without proper information, we are forced to imagine.

We demand to know more about our geese neighbors.

(Left) the Bowdoin bus got a boo-boo. (Right) The Bowdoin bus is very sad. It would like cheering up.

Bowdoin bus confessions

Andrew [email protected]

After all these years on the road, I was confident in my abilities. I never thought it would happen to me. But, I never factored in the possibilities of a trip to Oswego during my career.

I have been driven all over the North-east. I have been to Massachusetts, Con-necticut, Vermont, New York and I am very comfortable in Maine. However, driving along Lake Ontario is unlike any experi-ence I have ever had.

It was not even the snow that bothered me the most. It was the wind. The wind was very aggressive and fast. I did not think I would even need him to put on my air brakes that day when the team stopped for lunch. I was wrong.

Early in the day, coach had planned out where the team would stop for dinner on the way to the Oswego State campus. When I heard him telling my driver that they would be having Italian, I was worried.

You see, there are few things in this world that my driver enjoys more than a well-cooked veal parmigana. If he can have a side of greens and some fresh baked rolls, he is set.

I had a feeling this could be trouble, but what could I do? He is the driver. He controls me.

Once we arrived at the establishment, he was the first one off the bus. He put me in park and moved quickly for the doors. I could hear the others still getting off commenting on how very strange he appeared to be acting, but I knew they were unaware of how much he loves his Italian food.

At this point, all I could do was sit in the parking lot and wait, hoping I could stay in my spot without my air brakes on. The wind was fierce, but I tried to ignore it.

I saw them sitting inside. They were hav-ing their drinks and ordering their food. Look-ing comfortable as I sat there, cold and alone. Next, their meals started coming out. I felt the wind starting to overcome me, fear began to overtake me. I started to inch forward. I knew this was not good.

Why did he not put my air brakes on? Why did he not have his appetite more under control? But, all these questions did not change anything. I was on course for the front entrance. The crash to come was inevitable.

Within moments, I was up close and per-sonal with the front steps and railing. This was, by no means, one of those romantic scenes from the movies that take place out-side restaurants. This was straight out of a horror film for me.

My front windows were smashed, my front bumper broken and we’ll just agree that the trail of mysterious liquid left behind me was a flow of rainwater.

I just remember hearing him apologizing, “I’m sorry I let my appetite get the best of me that day and put all those in the restaurant in danger. I cannot imagine what could have hap-pened if the bus could have picked up more speed,” he said.

Well yeah, that was a possibility in Oswego considering the wind was able to move me that far in the first place. But, how about he stop groveling and come see if I am all right, ya know?

I mean, after all we have been through, was he seriously forgetting about me that quickly to save himself?

He got very lucky, if you ask me. They came up with this whole cover up to save his behind. The story became that my air brakes malfunctioned, as if something was wrong with me.

Yeah, that is fair. Blame the bus. Blame the one who cannot stand up for himself. It was all his fault. He let that crazy appetite of his take over and forgot to properly park me.

Now, I am over here wounded and hurt-ing, and they’re blaming me too. Some world we live in.

Turns out when they're being cleaned, it is to inconvenience you

Campus bathroom conspiracy unclogged

Carson MetcalfJumpstreet [email protected]

A conspiracy against students on the Oswego State campus is underway, but from an unlikely source. Custodial staff members within campus dorm buildings have report-edly developed a vendetta against the resi-dents there.

Complaints have recently been pouring into college administration faster than vomit pours into the toilets on Friday nights. These complaints have been about custodians be-ing in the bathrooms at the most inconve-

nient times for students.“I have never had a problem running into

a custodian in the morning until just recently. Now it seems as if when I am ready to take a shower in the morning, a cleaning parade is there to tell me that I can’t,” Waterbury Hall resident Gree Vance said.

Other reports from students reveal that there is occasionally something of a competi-tion that pits residents versus custodians in the early hours of the morning.

Seneca Hall resident Connie Cern said she literally had to race a custodial worker to the bathroom in order to attempt taking a shower last Friday.

“I almost feel like a criminal in the morning now. I look both ways up and down the hall for any sight of the janitor and rush as fast as I can to the comfort of shower,” Cern said.

When asked for a response to the stu-dent complaints, lead Residence Life janitor Swir Elise disputed the claims, saying they were unfounded.

“Our cleaning staff is the best of the best,” Elise said. “They only want what is best for our

students in terms of a sanitary environment.”Some members of the cleaning staff,

when pressed for comment, did not embody the professionalism that Elise had com-mended them with.

One janitor, who goes by “Clogs,” said, “the speculation is true.” “We have been through enough of the semester to be able to pinpoint the times where there are more people in the bathroom than the amount of disasters I have cleaned at this school,” Clogs said.

Clogs added that the inconvenient timing is payback for those few students who ruin everything for other residents on the weekends.

“Surely you have seen or heard all about some of the atrocities that we have to deal with at all hours of the night Thursday through Sunday. Once these kids stop drink-ing like it is going out of style, perhaps we can reason with them on when we can get in and do our jobs,” Cloggs said.

We shall soon see if this conspiracy will ever come to a head, or if campus residents will keep getting the tail.

SAPB lets grandparents choose concert

Stephanie MirambeauxNew Kid [email protected]

In a daring move, SAPB decided to let their grandparents choose the bands for Oswego State’s spring concert.

After a flood of complaints that the Lupe Fiasco concert was too loud, SAPB adopted the motto “if you want something done, do it yourself.”

The vote to bring over We The Kings,

Say Anything and Motion City Soundtrack was unanimous.

“It will be nice to have my generation represented at my alma mater,” Mildred Stewart, one of SAPB’s stand-in board members, said. “I’ve already decorated my walker with pictures of all of the bands.”

The bands were excited to hear they still had fans and they were even more excited to hear they would be playing at Oswego.

“It really gives us a chance to play at a school that’s almost as unknown as we are,” Travis Clark, lead singer of We the Kings, said. “It’s really great to know that we still have fans.”

“The school is super old and so are we,” Justin Pierre from Motion City Soundtrack said. “It’s a match made in heaven.”

“Do you pronounce it Oswego or Uh-swaygo?” Max Bemis of Say Anything said.

The pre-concert talk will be a heated de-bate about whether Lindsay Lohan’s recent trip to rehab will be her last and who’s to blame over Zoey 101’s cancelation. The open-ing act will be a moment of silence to pray for

Britney Spears’s full recovery from 2007.Say Anything is required to wear T-

shirts promoting The Dark Knight. We The Kings can only wear black eyeliner and Motion City Soundtrack will sing Hannah Montana songs while wearing Lady Gaga-inspired wigs from her “The Fame” days.

Their tour managers have asked that nobody mention the new Miley Cyrus to any of the bands. It’s a sore subject and they haven’t completely healed from the shock.

After the show, the stadium will be set up with a projector and whoever stays will get to watch the newest episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager with the bands.

There will be a contest and whichever student can successfully do the entire dance to “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” wins an all-expense-paid trip to Hot Topic. The vendors will be selling animal bracelets, waterproof black eyeliner and colorful snap-in hair extensions.

“I’ve already made an appointment to get my hips realigned just in case,” Stewart said. “I’m going to party like it’s 2008.”

tickled Mars when you were born, but be weary. If you seek maturity, there’s always the retirement home and early bird buffet special scene. And for you shut-in Libras: seekingarrangements.com.

Try attaching bells to everything you own. That way if you leave without something, you’ll hear it and see it.

Goosluminati. This is a real thing.

PAGE 4? TUESDAY, April 1, 2014THE OSWEONION

Your energy has been all off as of late and it’s time for your

weekly cleansing. Find the most public place you can, and take a moment to meditate despite all the commotion. Once you truly feel like you’ve found some inner comfort, take off those clothes and run free.

the osweonion

Documents

lakeside dining hall

dining hall privileges

pathfinder dining hall

suny oswego dining hall

oswego state student

patriotic dining hall

weeksstranded student

cup violationstudent