the oxfordshire highwayman

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Local magazine.

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Page 1: The Oxfordshire Highwayman
Page 2: The Oxfordshire Highwayman

A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit a suicide," came the reply While the biker didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" so, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

To advertise call 01608 641712 or email: [email protected]

TRANSFORM PLASTICS CENTRE

Stockists of:

Freefoam fascias and soffits

Flowplast guttering, down pipes and fittings

Decorative internal paneling for showers and wet rooms

Eaves protector @1.5 metres

Silicones, polytop pins, etc

Purpose made windows and doors (these are to order)

We can supply only or supply and fitmost building plastics

01608 646829mob: 07950 832517 fax: 01608 643820

email: Info@transform-plastics-centre.co.ukwww.transform-plastics-centre.co.uk

TRANSFORM PLASTICS CENTREUnit 15, Elmsfield Industrial Estate

Worcester Road, Chipping Norton, OX7 5XL

Page 3: The Oxfordshire Highwayman

This publication is being produced as a light hearted local magazine with jokes, stories, local news and articles some true others a bit far fetched there may occasionally be articles or jokes that may sometimes offend, it’s not my intention to offend but I hope you are broad minded enough for it to put a smile on your face. So please, do not be outraged on behalf of an imaginary friend or the rest of mankind if you don’t like it just put it back and go and sit down. If something I write could be taken two ways and one upsets you - I meant it the other way....

There will be jokes or stories some you have heard before, I expect some will be repeated but I will try not to repeat them as often as Top Gear is repeated on Dave.

To advertise call: 01608 641712

Email to: [email protected]

Pictures and articles taken off the internet to save you looking will include the appropriate credits to whoever where possible.

Are you a budding Journalist? Do you have anything interesting to say about Chippy, short stories, funny stories? Something amusing that happened to you you would like to share, stories you couldn’t make up type of stuff, a funny someone has emailed you or sent it via your mobile, if so please send them to:

The Oxfordshire Highwayman

[email protected]

Imake Signs. Tel: 01608 641 712

23 High Street, Chipping Norton, Oxfordshire OX7 5AD

The Crown & Cushion

RESTAURANT

Not just for special occasions, our Restaurant offers a full a la carte menu, open evenings and Sunday Lunch including

Carvery.Bar meals available Lunchtimes & Evenings.

01608 642533

HARRY PARDOEDry Stone Walling01608 683686 07765 931718

To advertise call 01608 641712 or email: [email protected]

[email protected]

My wife and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across

her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered

back, "I'll miss you."

Page 4: The Oxfordshire Highwayman

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work. A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%. A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

To advertise call 01608 641712 or email: [email protected]

Page 5: The Oxfordshire Highwayman

Chipping Norton Museum of Local History

above the

OpenMonday to Saturday 2-4pm, Easter - End October & Bank Holiday Mondays

Shop

TILING-SLATING-LEADWORK-INSULATION-FELT ROOFING

Office: 01608 641 067 Rob: 07973 895 730 Karl: 07952 804 617

www.cotswoldroofing.co.uk

Amazing photograph sent in by Dave while flying over Africa en route to Kenya.

For the technically minded the photo was taken with a Canon D90 wide angled lens F2.8, speed 500 mph

If You have amazing photographs like thisplease send them to: [email protected]

To advertise call 01608 641712 or email: [email protected]

Page 6: The Oxfordshire Highwayman

To advertise call 01608 641712 or email: [email protected]

SUPERMARKET SCAM A "caution" for those men who “food” shop on their own. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get food has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two good-looking 20-21 year old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start washing and wiping your windscreen with J cloths, just wearing skimpy thin tee shirts that gets wet and sort-of see thru so its obvious they are cold so you offer something to cover themselves. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they said "No" but we are cold so instead they ask you for a lift to a nearby café or somewhere similar. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th , 24th & 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends, be careful.

Well done Kylie!

Despite all your years in show business youhaven’t learnt how to hold a teddy bear anda microphone at the same time

Page 7: The Oxfordshire Highwayman

To advertise call 01608 641712 or email: [email protected]