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The past, the present= your future

When I counsel singles, I usually like checking them out from the premise of the past;over time I have come to a conclusion that the past is a core determinant of the future.When I counsel singles who have challenges with the issues of the heart, I ask them

questions relating to their past and over 80% of the time I discovered that the outcome oftheir present challenges which can spill over to the future has a tie to it. Singles that have

challenges the most are those who have issues in the past which they have not taken care

off.

The past tells a lot about what the outcome of the future will be like; if you relate with

couples with successful marriages, you will find the relationship between two individuals

who learn from the past and do not live in it. If I will do a mathematical equation of thecorrelation of the past to the present and future, it will look like this- The Past= The

Present= The Future. If you take away the past, a persons life will simply have no more

meaning or direction.

Why is the past an antecedent to the future? I strongly believe that it is because the past is

where what we call experience come from; our accepted concept is that experience is thebest teacher, and so over 80% of our decisions in life come from the experience of the

past.

If a lady grew up in a home that her father is irresponsible and if her mum constantlylament on the negligent nature of her dad; there are over 80% chances that she will not

have successful relationship with the opposite sex. The experience if she allows it will

form the basis of her world view of men and she will become prone to making mistakesin the matter of the heart.

When I heard the story of Jane and the challenges she was having in her marriage, I knewthat her predicament stems from her experience from a father that is reckless. She had

developed the mindset that all men are irresponsible; that was the unconscious basis that

she related with the opposite sex. All the intimate relationship she had been involved inbefore she got married (5) did not lead to marriage because the men just could not stand

her domineering attitude and her distrust for the male gender after a period of time in

their relationship. She got hurt whenever they left, and these seems to strengthen her

believe about men.

When she met Larry 4 years ago, he seems different. He had been raised in a home where

his mum was responsible for their upbringing after the demise of his father. He was morepatient, loving and understanding when she confided in him about the experience of her

mum. It was obvious that he loved her, and she did have the same feeling for him. A year

into the relationship they got married; however, to the dismay of her hubby she still didnot trust him after they had been married for 3 years and with two children.

When I related with him on the issue; I told him that the reason he got married to his wife

was because of the experience of his childhood. He got married to his wife because she

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was raised by a strong woman like his own mum; everything about them seems similar

except the fact that his own dad was late. Another difference between them is that his

mum spoke well of his dad; though he had not known him (he was an infant when hedied), yet she had portrayed him as the best man that ever live, while Janes mum kept

banging it on the head of her daughters that men are not responsible.

Janes own problem was that she allowed her mums words and how she saw her dad

behave form a mindset that is wrong instead of learning from it. She should have learnt

that it was her mums bad choice of a partner that got her into the challenge they are inrather than generalizing her opinion about men. That would have saved her from the

pains she went through in her first 5 relationships; her attitude which had made them

leave would have been different. The failure of those relationship had strengthen her

believe that men are truly irresponsible like her dad.

Their marriage is under undue stress because two people made decisions that came out of

their past experience instead of established rules.

I counseled a single once that was having challenges with keeping her relationship to the

stage of marriage; I told her to tell me about her relationship with her parents. She has acordial relationship with her mum, but she dislikes her father. Like story of Jane, she had

been raised by her mum, while her dad had not responsible in anyway for their

upbringing. I told her if she would ever have successful relationship that will lead to

marriage; she must first forgive her father. Then she will need to stop making theexperience of her dad a pivotal point in the way she relates with men; as long as she

concludes that all men are like her father, she would not stop having heartbreaks.

What is your past like? What pain have you gone through that seemed to be controlling

the way you view the opposite sex? If you do not take care of it, you will not see the kind

of relationship you desire come to reality. Let me use this expression; no one who walksand keeps his attention to his back walks straight. Just as the direction of your head

determines where your whole body goes; the same goes for your mind. Someone says

that, Our lives gravitate to the direction of our dominant thoughts. If your dominantthoughts is that of the pain of the past, which is the reality you will keeping seeing in the

present and future.

What should you do with the past? Learn from it, and let it be. I am of the opinion that inmany matters of life, experience is never meant to be the best teacher. Experience should

teach; however, it should not be made the reality because what walked for an individual

may not do the same for another. If you treat your new flame like the old one, you willget different result because they are two different unique individuals. Learn from the past;

extract the juice like when you squeeze and orange, then throw the rest away instead of

keeping it.

When a single that comes to me for counseling has experience a heartbreak, what I ask

them is what they have learnt from it. What they have learnt from that experience is far

more than what they have lost, because it will help guard them against similar one. Life is

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like a classroom; the past is one of the classes you have to pass its examine to move to

the next class. If all you hold on to is the painful experience instead of the lesson, you

will keep repeating the mistakes over and over again. Your experience will be like thevicious cycle; you are neither moving forward.

Everyone that reads this write up has the right to prove me wrong; people who have gonethrough heartbreaks over and over again are those who did not sit down to understudy

why their relationship failed in the first place. They are the type of people who see their

ex lovers as the one to blame for all of their predicaments without pointing an accusingfinger in their own direction. So when they experienced their first heartbreak, instead of

taking a break to look critically on why it failed, they only concentrate on the pain. They

rush into another to relieve the pain, only to get hurt again.

How is your present life like? If you are not enjoying any aspect of it, ruminate on the

past event that may have lead to the present predicament; learn from it and leave the rest.

Do you have a question on any relationship issue? Send a text and get a response;

your confidentiality will be kept.

Olufemi Fasanya

08037257479, 08083906495

www.relationship-singles.blogspot.com