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THE POWER OF MATERNITY FINAL PROJECT OF PROCESSWORK DIPLOMA

NÚRIA DANÉS DARNELL

December 2019

1

1 This drawing was made while I was pregnant while I was talking on the phone inunconsciousscribblemode.SometimelaterIrealizedtheconnectionofthedrawingandmynewprocessofemergingmotherhood.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. Acknowledgments

2. Presentation:Objectivesandhypotheses

3. MethodologyandLimitations

4. Introduction

5. Thepersonaledgeandthesocialedge

6. MotherhoodandPower

7. WelcometoMotherhood:TheBirthofaNewIdentity

a. Responsibility,agiantcritic

b. Ambivalenceasawayoffeelingmotherhood

c. Maternityandthedoublebind

8. Maternityintheworld

a. Dependencyrelationships

b. Maternity:ShadowsoftheCity

9. Conclusions

10. Appendix

11. Bibliography

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Motherhood is an experience that, among many other things, has taught me about the

importanceandneedofrelationshipsandbonds.Sotobeginwith,Ineedtothankmyson,

Guillem,forourrelationship-anintenserelationship,difficultattimes,preciousatothers,

thatchallengesmeandmakesmegrowdaybydayatyourside.Thankyouforyourarrival,

yourpresenceandyourlove.

In the same line,my partner, Angel, has played an important part. I feel grateful for the

vision we have shared around parenting, the importance and need to give a focus to

vulnerability,pamperingitandcaringforit.IloveourintimateconversationsaboutGuillem

andaboutus.Thankyouforyoursensitivityandyoursincerelove.

I also feel the need as a daughter to thankmymother and father for givingme life and

accompanyingme in thebestway that they couldor knewhow to.Mynew identity as a

motherhashelpedmeexpandmyunderstandingand relationshipwithmyparents. I also

want to thank you for your support inmy new role as amotherwith the bringing up of

Guillem.Motherhoodhasallowedmetofeelthepleasureoflettingmyselfbelookedafter

bythemasIhadnotdoneforyears.Throughthegiftofmotherhoodlearningthevalueof

vulnerabilityandthusappreciatingthecareyouareoffered.Inturn,seeingthebeautifuland

specialbondthatmysonisbuildingwithyouisanexperienceforwhich,Ifeelfortunateand

grateful. InmychildhoodIdidnothavetheopportunityto interactwithmygrandparents,

neithermaternalnorpaternal.Livingitnowthroughmysonseemsmagicaltome,andIfeel

thathisbondhasstrengthenedours.Thanksmomanddadforbeingthere.Iloveyou.

Throughout themany yearsof studyingProcessWork I havehad theprivilegeofmeeting

wonderfulpeoplewhohavesupportedmeindifferentways.Tobegin, Iwanttothankmy

therapist, Evelyn Figueroa, for her constant accompaniment since the beginning of my

studies.Herexperienceandpersonalwisdomhavebeenanimportantpillarinmypersonal

process, supporting me through especially difficult times such as the complications with

gettingpregnant,andthemanychallengesthatmotherhoodhasgivenme.

I alsowant to thankGill Emslie,mymentor for all these years andwhoat theendofmy

studies supportedme in theprocessof creating thisproject,especiallyencouragingmeat

thebeginningwhenIdoubtedtheimportanceofwritingaboutmotherhoodandchallenging

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me to go further. Similarly, I want to thank Boris Sopko, who has supported me in the

secondphaseofmystudies,andnowwithsupportandsupervisionofferingmeavaluable

visionformyproject,hasencouragedmetocontinuewritingonthesubject.

Ialso feelpropelledtothankallmyteacherswho inmanydifferentwayshavegiventheir

supportinmypersonalandstudyprocess.ToLilyVassiliou,whoseloveandsupportIhave

felt inaprofoundway, toKate Jobe forherexperienceand supportespecially inmy final

phaseofstudies,andtoAndySmithwhohasbeenamore intermittent figurebutwhomI

stillholdasapillarinmylearningprocess.

IwouldalsoliketothankArnoldMindellandhisco-foundingcolleaguesforopeningtheway

to ProcessWork, which beyond an academic background has been forme a newway of

lookingatmyself,theworldanditsrelationships.

IalsowanttothanktheProcessWorkcommunityofwhich Iamapartandthathasbeen

growinginrecentyearsinasurprisingway.Ifeelespeciallygratefultomyinitialstudygroup

aswell as to thosewithwhom I have shared the endof the sameones;AnnaB,Anna E,

AnnaP,César,Mireia,Conchi,Bàrbara,Eva,Peix,andSarawithwhomIhavesharedalong

lifejourney.

Thank you to Neus Andreu who encouraged me to write about this subject when it still

seemedabsurd.ToAinhoa,a fellowstudentwho,withherenthusiasm,encouragedmeto

writeaboutmotherhoodatatimewhenIfeltdispirited.ToBlancaFariñaforherfriendship

andsharedmotherhood.TotheMigjornMothersGroup,alwaystheretoshareandsupport

us inournewrolesasmothers.Andtoall theGelida’smotherswithwhomIhaveformed

friendships along the way and shared intense and passionate conversations about

motherhood.ThanksNeus,Azahara,MireiaandMarta.Thanks.

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PRESENTATION: OBJECTIVES AND HYPOTHESES

Talking about the subject of motherhood was previously of little interest to me. In fact,

that’sstill thecaseattimes.There issomethingverystrongthatmakesmeundervaluean

experiencethatinturn,Ialsoconsiderverypowerful.Thegestationofalivingbeing,giving

birth or raising a little person seem tome to be experienceswith brutal force and great

impact.Ontheotherhand,myfirstimpulseistounderrateit,asifitweren'tsuchabigdeal.

Theaimofthisproject istoshedsomelightonthisdynamicthatIdetectclearly inmyself

andatthesametimeIintendtotakeitbeyondmyselftoconnectitwithasocialdynamic.

Whatbeliefsystemsaysthatfocusingontheexperienceofmotherhoodisnotimportantor

interesting?Andwhatistherelationshipbetweenmypersonalbeliefsystemandthesocial

beliefsystem?Todothat,I'mgoingtofocusonmyownexperience,throughexploringother

questionsaswell:HowdoIrelateinternallytomyownmotherhood?Andwhatplacedoes

the experience of motherhood occupy for me in the world? In order to answer these

questions,Iamgoingtofocusaboveallonthepowerdynamicsthatareininteraction.How

does power affect the maternal experience? How is the value or importance I give to it

articulated? And under this umbrella, how can we give potential to the experience of

motherhoodandmakeitasourceofpersonalaswellassociallearning?

METHODOLOGY AND LIMITATIONS

The main methodology of this project is focused on the paradigm of Process Work or

ProcessOrientedPsychology as ameans throughwhich to studyor explore theproposed

theme.ProcessWorkwascreatedbyArnoldMindell,aJungianphysicistandpsychologist,

in the mid-1970s. His focus is on becoming aware of the diversity of sensations, states

and/orexperienceswithwhichwe livebutoften tend tomarginalizeornotacknowledge.

Givingspacetoallthisdiversity(internalandexternal)allowsustohaveamoreglobalvision

ofourselves(orofwhoweare)andofourenvironment.

One of the starting points of ProcessWork is the assumption that the key to sustainable

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solutionsliesinthedisturbancesthemselves.

It isbasedonawarenessandtheprincipleofDeepDemocracy,whichemphasizes listening

to and valuing all the voices and dimensions thatmake up the experience at its different

levels:personal,relational,groupand/orglobal.

"Every time you ignore sensations that normally go unnoticed, perceptions that are

like dreams, something inside you goes into a slight state of shock, since you have

overlooked the spirit of life, the greatest power you can achieve”.

ArnoldMindell,"Daydreaming"

At the same time, with the Processes Work methodology as a general framework, this

project also makes use of auto-ethnography as a social research method that is

characterizedby linkingtheresearcher'sownpersonalexperiencewithsocial,politicaland

cultural concepts. Auto-ethnography is amodality of ethnographic research that uses the

researcher's autobiographical materials as primary data. Unlike other auto-referential

formats such as auto-narrative, autobiographies, memoirs or diaries, auto-ethnography

emphasizesculturalanalysisandinterpretationoftheresearchers'behaviors,thoughtsand

experiences, usually from fieldwork, in relation to others and the society it studies. It is

explainedbyvariousauthors indifferentworkson this genreofethnography, suchas the

exploration of the interaction between the personal self and the social (Reed-Danahay,

1997), or between the introspective being and the cultural descriptors (Ellis andBochner,

2000), that is, the observation and detailed and in-depth description of the connection

betweenthepersonalandtheculture2.

FormelinkingProcessWorkwiththemethodofauto-ethnographyhasaprofoundmeaning

on theway inwhich social realityand itsmultipledimensionsareconceived fromProcess

Work.Makinguseofquantumphysicsasametaphor,A.Mindellspeaksof theconceptof

thehologramappliedtoanapproachtosocialanalysis,whereinasmallparticlewecanfind

the complete image because it contains in itself all the information. Therefore, from that

pointofview,exploringmypersonalexperiences (fromauto-ethnography)notonlyallows

metolearnmoreaboutmypersonalprocessbutalsotounderstandandshedlightonsome

ofthesocialdynamicsthatareininteraction.

2JoaquínGuerreroMuñoz(2014)Elvalordelaauto-etnografíacomofuenteparalainvestigaciónsocial:delmétodoalanarrativa.REVISTAINTERNACIONALDETRABAJOSOCIALYBIENESTARN.º3

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LIMITATIONS

Thefactofusingmyownexperienceasafieldofsocialresearchobviouslymakesmystudy

biased.Firstofallbecausethere isnot justonewayof livingmotherhood,therearemany

motherhoods.With this inmind, Iamgoing to talkaboutmaternity fromapartial,biased

point of view, above all because ofmy condition and privileges, which often preventme

from being fully aware of the diversity of social and personal realities.My privileges are

defined, among other things, by being a white, western, heterosexual woman with a

partner, with university studies and coming from a middle-class family. In turn, my

conditionsarealsodefinedbymyhealth,livingwithadiseasecalledendometriosisthathas

prevented me from becoming pregnant naturally and has meant living the pregnancy

processpainfullyandemotionallycharged.Atthesametime,thefactofbeingthemotherof

a small child has also been a conditioning factor and a limitation when it comes to

developing a project of these characteristics with the time and constancy it requires. I

mentionallofthisbecausemyexperienceorviewofmotherhoodis inevitablytingedwith

alloftheseprivilegesandconditionsthatoftenpreventmefromseeingbeyondmyreality,

asifitwereanentirety.Iknowthat'snotso.AndIwanttoapologizeforallthosemoments

when some people may feel unnoticed in my story. Some of the realities of which I am

aware that are not included in this project have to dowith all thosematernities lived in

other ways. Ways that come from other family models (single mothers, homosexual or

lesbian couples, non-nuclear families, ...), from other ways of approaching maternity

(surrogatewombs,adoptions,naturalpregnancies), fromothercultural contextsand from

othergenderidentitiesthatdonotnecessarilygothroughabinarysystem.AndI’mprobably

stillmarginalizingsomeotherrealitythatIhaven’tcontemplated.

And even though I am aware ofmy incapacity of encompassing all the experiences lived

aroundmaternity,Idosofromtheneedtoshedlight,albeitpartial,onasubjectthatIfeel

needsmorespaceandattentionintheworld.

Iwouldalsoliketoaddressallthosewomenwhoarenotmothers(whetherbytheirownwill

or by impossibility). I’m aware that in our society, not being amother still puts you in a

difficult place that’s not always comfortable to inhabit. Thank you for holding that place.

Thisstoryisalsoforyou.Becauseintheendmotherhoodisnotonlyaboutmothers,butalso

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abouttheplacethatwegivesociallyandindividuallytocare,dependencyrelationships,our

relationshipwithpower...soIwouldlikethisstorytobeacontributionthatchallengesallof

us.

Finally, Iwould like tomentionthat Iamgoing to talkaboutmotherhood,especially in its

first years, aware that the development of this identity also changes according to the

momentofupbringing.

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INTRODUCTION

AsfarasI'mconcerned,maternity isacomplexexperience,tobeginwithbecauseit isnot

possible to speak of a singlematernal experience, there is a diversity ofmaternities.We

could say that thereareasmanymaternitiesas therearemothers,because inpart it is a

profoundlysubjectiveexperience.Therearemanywaystoreachmotherhood,themeaning

thateachoneofusgivestowantingtobeamotherorhastobeamother.AsDawnMerken

saysinhisbook"Raisingparents,raisingKids"“parentingisapath,acalling.Eachofushasa

differentpathcreatedbyourdreams,longings,intentions,andthegreatmysteryoflife”3

At the same time, that diversity can also be defined by objective factors such as social

conditioning,whether these are in relation to classic sociological indicators such as social

class,ethnicity,orhealth,ortospecificsocialconditioningfactorsaroundthesubject,such

asthefamilymodel(biparental/bimadrentalfamily,singlemotherorotherfamilymodels)or

thematernityprocess (artificial fertilizations,adoptions,biologicalpregnancies,etc.). Even

so,motherhoodisstillseenasabasicallypersonalexperience.Thisisinpartafirstindicator

of the place that we assign tomaternity, that is, the private and invisible sphere.4To be

invisible is not only a personal choice of eachmother, but it is defined by certain social

dynamics that promote it and that form part of the backdrop that defines the place that

maternityoccupies inourwesternsociety.Givingvoiceandspacetothedifferent internal

experiencesthatinmycasehavebeenactivatedasaresultofbeingamotherandrelating

themtothesocialmodelinwhichIliveispartofwhatIintendtodointhispaper.InProcess

WorkwespeakoftheconceptofDeepDemocracy5asanapproximationtotherealitythat

tries togivespacetoandbeconscienceofall theparts,experiencesandrealities thatare

presentintheprocesses.Theimportanceofdoingithastodowiththebeliefthatwhenwe

don’t do it, we are marginalizing something and therefore denying a part of reality,

generatingoppressionanddiscomfort.Thus,bygivingspacetothediversityofexperiences

3Menken,Dawn(2013).RaisingParents,raisingKids.BellySongPress.Pag.1704CristinaBernisCarro,RosarioLópezGiménez,PilarMonteroLópez(Eds.)(2009).Determinantesbiológicos,psicológicosysocialesdeLaMaternidadenelsigloXXI:Mitosyrealidades.XVIIJornadasdeInvestigaciónInterdisciplinaria.EdicionesdelaUniversidadAutonomadeMadrid.5ArnoldMindell(2014).TheDeepDemocracyofOpenForums.Practicalstepsforthepreventionandresolutionoffamily,laborandglobalconflicts.DeepDemocracyExchange

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wearenurturinganawarenessabouttheprocessesthathappentous,whetherpersonalor

social,makingitpossibletobroadenourhorizonsaboutrealityanditspotentialities.

And in this exercise I’mbasingmyexplorationon thedynamics that are activatedaround

maternityonmyownexperiencebecauseasIhavementioned,maternity,inmycase,isan

experience that affects me you on a personal level. And that, as opposed to it being a

circumstantialaspect,Iwanttodefendit,togiveitvalue,becauseitisawaytotakeitoutof

theinvisiblesphereandbringitintotheworldaspartofwhatitis,asocialexperience.

The key principle of personal feminism is political. I want it to have real meaning and

processworkallowsthisinthesensethatitunderstandsthatpersonalexperiencesarenot

onlypersonal,butliketheimageofahologram,theyareapictureofwhatwearealsoasa

society.Itisunderstoodthatinternal(personal)dynamicsandexternal(social)dynamicsare

oneandthesame image.Thus,myapproach tomotherhood isgoing to focusonhowmy

internaldynamicsareareflectionofsocialdynamics.Andthereforemyidentityisdefinedby

whattheworld is,andatthesametime,theworlddependsonwhoIam.Sofromthere I

canconnectwithour capacity toaffect theworld, seeing thatmy identity canalsodefine

whattheworldis.

The contribution of looking atmotherhood, and concretelymymotherly experience from

theProcessWorkapproachhastodoaboveall,withmakinganexerciseofawareness.This

meansbeingabletorealizemyexperience,notonlyfromfeelingitbutalsofrombeingable

tonarrateitandunderstandingreaterdepththedynamicsandaspectsthatIexperience.In

order to do this, ProcessWork givesme a perspective and framework that understands

realityfromatripledimension.Thefirstdimension,calledConsensusReality, isthatofthe

mosttangibleandobjectiveaspects,suchasforexampletheunderstoodagreementthat I

amamotherby the factofhavingachild.Aseconddimensionthatspeaksof thosemore

subjective aspects, where perceptions and the emotional world enter. This is what A.

Mindell calls thedreamingLevel, sinceat this level reality ispresentedasa lessconscious

experience.Hereforexample,beingamotherceasestobeaclosedconceptordefinedby

theunique factof havingoffspring andopensupawholeworldof subjectivepossibilities

that are expressed through polarities. Thus, for example, at the Dreaming Level,my son,

beyond being an external person tome, is also an internal experience, which in Process

Workwecall"dreamfigure"andwhichshowsmemyinnerchild,aspartofmymaternityas

well.

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And finally we have the Essence dimension, a deeper level where there is no polarity,

becausein itwecanconnectwithsomethingbiggerthanourselves,suchasfeelingpartof

theearth.Itisthelevelwherewecomeintocontactwithspirituality,understoodinabroad

way.Theexperienceofconnectionwiththebasicmeaningoflife,ofnature,ofourtotality.

Thethree levelsof realityare importantandessential.Sociallywetendtounderstandthe

world above all, and sometimes exclusively, through the level of Consensus Reality. That

lookisnecessarybutinsufficient,sincesimultaneouslytherearemoreexperiencesthatare

happeningandthatoftenaredoorsofentrytounderstandusonapersonal levelandalso

onasociallevel.

Throughoutthisproject,Iamgoingtotalkaboutmymaternitytakingintoaccountthethree

levelsofrealitybecausewithoutanyofthemIwouldbedenyingormarginalizingpartofthe

experienceandtherefore,underminingmyabilitytounderstandandbecomeaware.

THE PERSONAL EDGE AND THE SOCIAL EDGE

WhenIwasthinkingaboutwhatIwasgoingtowriteformyfinalproject,Ithoughtithadto

beatopicwithenoughenergyandpersonalmotivationtobeabletomaintaintheinterest

without it fading.Then Iwonderedabout the themes thatwerepresent inmy lifeor that

hadsomekindofconnectionwithme,andthereitwasclearlyevidentthatmotherhoodwas

oneofthosethemes,andbyfarthemostsignificant.Inspiteofthat,myfirstreflectionwas

to marginalize it and keep thinking about other topics. Someone also suggested that I

dedicatetheprojecttosomethingrelatedtomotherhood,giventhatformebeingamother

has been an intense process andhas often occupied a central space inmy life. Andonce

againIthoughtthatthiswasnotatopicforafinalproject.Whowouldbeinterestedinthis

subject?Mydifficultiesorexperiencesrelatedtomotherhoodweremyproblem,mywayof

being or living it. It was nothing to write about, much less anything that could arouse

interest.

Suddenlythatclearrefusaltogivevaluetosomethingthatinturnonapersonallevelhadso

much impact on me, aroused my curiosity. What makes me think that focusing on the

experience of motherhood is not important or interesting?What belief system says that

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focusing on the experience of motherhood isn't important or interesting? And what

relationshipistherebetweenmypersonalbeliefsystemandthebeliefsystemoftheworld?8

Exploring those questions I realised how both personally and socially giving space to the

experience of motherhood is marginalized. And I say "give space to the experience of

motherhood" because on the contrary,motherhood is very present in theworld. Being a

mother or having to be a mother is a social mandate, from which motherhood is

presupposedassomething"natural","normal"and"universal".

Ithastodowiththatsocialmythofmotherhoodthatissodeeplyrooted,thatequatesbeing

aWomantobeingaMother,astheonlyfinaldestinyofeveryfemale9.EventhoughIhave

beenquestioningthissentenceonatheoreticallevelforsometime,itwasn’tuntilrelatively

recently, throughmy own experience, that I really realised the profound impact that the

stereotypearoundtheimportanceofbeingamotherasthemainformofself-realisationcan

generates. For years I had the impulse to be amother but becauseofmy state of health

(endometriosis) itwasnotpossible. Thisprocessproducedaveryhigh levelofexhaustion

and emotional discomfort. I felt amputated, frustrated, victimized, incapable and

incomplete.Formeitwasshocking,torealisetheautomatismthatmademeunconsciously

conceivemyselfasafuturemotherandeverythingthatwasgeneratedwhenthatidealwas

suddenly called into question. Therewere parts ofme that connected in a profoundway

withafeelingofbeinglesswomanlyorlessvalid. Idedicatedquiteafewhoursoftherapy

(withinmyProcessWork training) toworkon it all. Itwas apainful process. In turn, that

sameprocessallowedme toconnectwithother spheresofmyperson thatmademe feel

complete, fulfilled, and meaningful. There was a moment when I felt at peace with my

impossibilityofbeingabiologicalmother,acceptingmyreality,notasacondemnationbut

assomethingvaluableandmeaningful. Inthatprocess,chancepresenteditself intheform

of a public health charter announcing thatwehad access to in vitro fertilization.Wehad

alreadymadea failedattemptbefore.My first reactionwas:Now?Again thequestionon

thetable.Wedecidedtoaccepttheinvitation,itseemedlikeanopportunityaftersomany

years.Evidently,Istartedtheprocesseagerlybutalsowithanacceptancethatitmightnot

comeabout. I finallybecamepregnantwithmyson,Guillem. Itcouldhavegonetheother

way.8Abeliefisthestateofmindinwhichanindividualassumestrueknowledgeorexperienceaboutaneventorthingwhenobjective,thecontentofthebeliefpresentsalogicalproposition,andcanbeexpressedthroughalinguisticstatementasanaffirmation.Basicallytobelievemeans"togiveforcertainsomething,withoutpossessingevidenceofit".Wikipedia9Badinter,Elisabeth(1980).Does maternal instinct exist? Maternal love story. Seventeenth to twentieth centuries.Paidós.

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Duringmy process ofwanting to get pregnant, Iwas told atmany times the slogan "you

havetostopthinkingaboutit,sothatithappens".It'slikeakindofcollectivebelief,shared

by friends, family and even doctors. It's really hard not to focus on something youwant

intensely.Inmyexperience,myprocesswasnotaboutstoppingthinkingaboutit,butabout

really accepting and welcoming my identity outside of motherhood. That meant saying

goodbye,connectingwiththepainthatcomeswithit,andhavingagrievingprocess.Andso,

inmycase,not to stop focusingon thegoalofgettingpregnant,but to letgoof thegoal

altogether. Thus, from the level of Consensus Reality I can read the arrival of the public

healthletterandmysubsequentpregnancyasacoincidenceorfruitofchance.However,on

another level, from the Dream Level,we can see this process as a sign that supportsmy

innerwork.FromtheProcessWorkwetalkaboutthatoftenwhenwecompleteourstates

andjumpourlimits,spaceisopenedforsomethingnew,unknownandthereforedoesnot

respondtoalinearidea.Thus,whenImanagedtoletgoofmyidentityasamother,anew,

unexpectedpossibilityopenedup.

From the ProcessWorkwe speak of double signal10when the same information contains

twocontradictorymessages,anintentionalonebecauseitisconnectedtoouridentityanda

less intentional one, and therefore we are less aware of sending it. In my experience of

maternitythedoublesignalisclear.Ihaveopenlyencouragedorpromotedmymotherhood

asadesirableoption.Infact,I'vebeenlookingtobecomeamotherformanyyears.Atthe

same time, and on the other hand, less intentionally, once I have been amother, I have

givenverylittlesupportandspacetomymaternalexperience.Inthissense,attimesIhave

experiencedmotherhoodfromthebeliefthatonemustgothroughit,withoutloudspeakers,

"asallmothershavedonebeforeme"andassumethecontradictionsorcomplexitiesfrom

lonelinessortheprivatesphere. Howaremydoublesignalspresent intheworldaswell?

FromProcessWorkwesaythat inthedoublesignalsthatweemitthereismoreunknown

informationaboutouridentityandthattheyappearasrolesorpartsofus.11

LookingatmotherhoodfromtheawarenessthatthesecontradictorymessagesIliveinme,

are also in the world, connect me with the interest in wanting to explore, with the

importance of doing so. It has to do with that look from the Work of Processes that

10Diamond,JandJones,L.S.(2011).Aroadmadebywalking.ProcessTherapyinpractice.CRE-SERHumanDevelopmentInstitute.11Diamond,JandJones,L.S.(2011).Aroadmadebywalking.ProcessTherapyinpractice.CRE-SERHumanDevelopmentInstitute.(pg109)

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understands that the internal experiences are not only in me, but they also inhabit the

world.Inthissense,thedoublesignsinmymotherhoodarealsosocialexperiences.

So,ontheonehand,Iaminterestedinknowingmoreandgodeeperintothedynamicsthat

areinplay,andontheotherhandasanactofsocialactivism,tohelpdrawattentiontoand

give space to an experience that is very present in theworld and at the same time very

marginalized. And from there, to claim it as not only personal, but also social and clearly

political.

MATERNITY AND POWER

Powerdynamicsarecomplex.WhenIthinkofpowermyimaginationquicklyconnectswith

abuse or misuse and all painful or undesirable experiences. From there, I often refer to

powerassomethingIwouldliketoeliminateoravoid.Thatreasoningisentirelylogical if I

think of our social and personal contextswherewe see that power has often led us into

disastroussituations.

InProcessWorktheapproachtopowertriestobreakwiththedichotomyoftohave/tonot

havepower13.Power is thoughtofmoreasa complex,nonlinear system,where thereare

differenttypesofpowerthatinteractsimultaneously,andthatarehighlycontextual.Andin

that system, when we speak of power we refer to our capacity to influence our

environment,andthereforeoneofthekeyprinciplesisthatpowerisinevitableandthatin

additionweall havepower. This, equally, doesnotdispute that thedistributionofpower

evidently generates inequalities, and in this sense one of the key elements that is

emphasized is the importanceofbeingawareofyourownpowerorpowers tobeable to

usethemwellandnotgeneratemisuse.

Processworkdistinguishesbetweenthosepowersgiventoyoubyyourenvironment,suchas

our privileges associated with socially and/or contextually valued qualities (gender, race,

socialclass,placeintheformalorinformalhierarchyofanorganization,etc.),manyofwhich

are inherited. On the other hand, we are talking about another type of internal powers,

13Diamond,J.(2016)Power: A User's Guide.BellySongPres

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whicharemoreofapsychologicalorspiritualtype14.Forexample,ourinternalabilitiesand

resources to overcome emotionally difficult situations, our internal security, self-esteem,

self-knowledge, our ability to connect with something bigger than ourselves. This kind of

powercanbecultivated.

Thus,whenyouthinkofpower,youthinkofprivilegesandalsoofapossiblesourceofinner

growth. In ProcessWorkwe seek to gain an awarenessof our privileges and at the same

timetodevelopfullytheconnectionwithourinternalpowersasaformofconnectionwith

ourcreativityandaspreventionofabuses.Themoreweareincontactwithourinnersource

ofpowerthelessneedwehavetoseekpoweroutsideofourselves.

Whyisitimportantformetotalkaboutpowerinmotherhood?Ortherelationshipbetween

motherhoodandpower?

Ontheonehand,becausethroughmyexperiencewithmotherhood,Ihavenoticedhowthe

relationshipwithinternalpowerdynamicsisbroughttolightandalsorelatedsocialaspects

suchasgenderandthesocial systembuilt in relationto it.The internaldynamics thatare

roused are often intense and seemingly contradictory. You can connectwithmoments of

connectionwith an immense personal power and at the same time you can feel like the

most disempowered person in the world. Strength and vulnerability are expressed in an

intenseandprofoundway.Sometimesthediversityofinternalexperiencesassociatedwith

motherhoodhascreatedadifficultexperienceformeinthesocialworld,andtherepower

dynamicscomeintoplay,ofteninvisibilizingormarginalizingsomeofitsaspects.

Thus, ifwe lookatsocialpower, that is,atall thoseaspectsvaluedonacultural level,we

find ourselves with the first level of complexity. To begin with, as I pointed out at the

beginningof thisproject, beingamother is a key social principle. Inotherwords,beinga

mother socially empowers you. It's the power that comes from responding to a social

expectation that allows you tobepart of amajority. This is a privilege that I unavoidably

have,withwhich Iwillavoidfeelingquestionedaboutmy identity,ashappenstoall those

womenwhobywillorimpossibilityarenotmothers,atsometimeoranotherintheirlives.

Atthesametime,andaswehavealreadypointedout,theexperienceofmotherhoodmay

alsohave littlesocialpower.Thus, forexample,ataneconomic level,wanting todedicate

timeandspacetoraisingchildrentodaymeansreducingand insomecasesgivinguppaid

work.Inmycase,reducingmyworkschedulewasapersonalchoicemotivatedbythewillto

14Mindell,A(1995).Sittinginthefire.Howtotransformlargegroupsthroughconflictanddiversity.IcariaMilenrama

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bepresentandaccompanymysoninhisearlyupbringing.Andfromthere,Ifeelprivileged,

knowing thatnotallwomencanassume it.At the same time, it also impliesahigh social

cost,drasticallyreducingyoursourceof income.AnotherexamplewhereIhaveconnected

with the lowsocial rank,has todowith clearlynotice reducedmyability toparticipate in

many social spacesby the incompatibility tobeaccompaniedbyababy.Rarelyarepublic

spaces designed to include breastfeedingmothers or mothers with babies. In this sense,

gender inequalities,andspecificallythefactof livinginapatriarchal15society,continuesto

placefemalemothersinascenarioofinvisibility,relegatedabovealltotheprivatesphere,

wherereproductivetaskshavelittlesocialvalue.

Onapersonallevel,thesocialdynamicsofpoweraffectme,arepartofwhoIam,andmake

meunconsciouslyrelatetomyownexperienceofmotherhoodfromthatperspective.Inmy

maternity I have connected with an endless number of sensations, sometimes in a very

polarizedway. Inthatpolarizationtherelationshipandtensionbetweenfeelingconnected

tomypowerandfeelingpowerlesshasbeenverypresentunderlyingmywholeprocess.In

thechapter"Ambivalenceasawayoffeelingmotherhood"Italk inmoredetailaboutthis

dynamic.

In turn, there are more factors that establish my relationship in terms of power with

motherhood. The concept from ProcessWork of power as an internal source of personal

growth16hasbeenanopportunity anda learning to reverse certainbeliefs that gave little

valuetomymaternalexperienceandmademefeellikeavictimofmynewreality.Fromthe

perspectiveofProcessWork, Iamaware thatpowerdoesnothavea single faceand that

thereforethereareaspectsinmethatallowmetofeelempowered.Inthatsenseandinthe

lineofDanMenken(2013),understandingmotherhoodasaprocessofgrowth,notonlyof

myson,butaboveallmine,hashelpedmetorealizehowmotherhoodhasledmetoreview

myrelationshipwithpower,andmorespecificallytheconnectionwithmypersonalpower.

Subvertingthemeaningandimportanceofmotherhoodonapersonal level isalsodoingit

onasociallevel.IthastodowiththatconceptionofProcessWorkthatunderstandsthatthe

border between individual and collective psychology is blurred, we are, as individuals, a15"Patriarchyisahistoricaltakeoverofpowerbymenoverwomenwhoseoccasionalagentwasofthebiologicalorder,althoughthiswaselevatedtopoliticalandeconomicstatus.Thisformofpowernecessarilyinvolvesthesubjectionofwomentomotherhood,therepressionoffemalesexuality,andtheappropriationoftheentireworkforcefromthedominatedgroup,whosefirstbutnotonlyproductischildren". Sau,Victòria(2001).Diccionarioideológicofeminista(VolumenI).Icaria.16Diamond,J.(2016)Power:AUser'sGuide.BellySongPres

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reflectionoftheworldandtheworldisourreflection.Thus,tofeelandplacemyselfonthe

marginsasamother,is,inpart,areflectionofthesocialmodelandatthesametimeisalso

a reflection ofmy inner capacity to valuemyself andmy experience. As A.Mindell says,

workingonour inner edges is a formof social action, because it implies thatwe are also

pushingsociallimitsandchangingculturalbeliefs.

WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD: THE BIRTH OF A NEW IDENTITY

Inmypersonal experience,with thebirthofmy son, I experiencedbewilderment.On the

onehand,Ididn'tfeelatallconnectedtothatmythrelatedtoanaturalinstinctthatguides

youandquicklyconnectsyoutoaspontaneous"maternal"doing.Iespeciallyrememberthe

firstfewweeks,whenthatlittlecreatureseemedtomeattimestobearealstranger.

Thebirthofmy son, absolutelydependent,with abrutal ability to expresshis needs as a

natural survival mechanism was very disconcerting to me. The force with which he

complainedwasoverwhelmingandexhausting.

Thisbewilderment, inmycase, canalsobeexplainedbymyprevious lackof contactwith

raisingababy.Starting fromarelativelysmallnuclear family inanurbanenvironmenthas

meant that I’m learning motherhood mostly through my own experience, without many

previousrealreferences.Thissituation,althoughnotsharedbyeveryone,doeshavecertain

characteristics that are defined by the social structure in which we live. Social

transformationthrough industrialization ledtoashift fromanextendedfamilymodel toa

nuclear familymodel. In thisprocess,parentinghasceasedtobeanexperiencesharedby

different generations, especially among women (mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers,

neighbours, etc.) to a more solitary experience without many support networks. This

relatively new social panorama hasmeant, on the one hand, a certain ignorance ofwhat

maternityandupbringingimplies.Ontheotherhand,ithasalsomeanttheimplementation

ofamodelofmotherhoodinsolitaryandwithveryfewsupportnetworks.18

Ontheotherhand, it iscurioustonotehowas Ibecameamother, Ialmostautomatically

18DelOlmo,Carolina.(2013)Dondeestámitribu?Maternidadycrianzaenunasociedadindividualista.ClaveIntelectual.

of 44 18

felt that I was also "the main figure of reference" for my baby. A very strong sensation

connectedmewithfeelingthatmybaby'swell-beingpassedprimarilythroughme,bothin

whatIdidandwhatIdidn'tdo.Hereontheonehand,andfromamoresociologicalpointof

view,weagaincomeacrossanexplanationthatemphasizesthesocial inequalitiesmarked

bytheoldpatriarchalequationthatdefineswoman=mother.19Andontheotherhand,from

abiologicalperspectivewespeakoftheconceptofinstinctunderstoodasanaturalprocess

thatwomen,duringour reproductive function, areactivatedaspartof the survivalof the

species. Inmy case, the tensionbetween these twoperspectives has beenpresent in the

momentsthatIhavefeltespeciallylinkedtomysonorIhavefeltthathiswelfaredepended

verymuchonme.Howmuchisculturalandhowmuchisbiologicalinstinct?Itisadifficult

question to answer. At the same time, looking at this dynamic or tension from the

Processworkhelpsmetobecomemoreawareof it,understandingthattheyarerolesthat

areinthefieldandthusbeabletointeractwiththem.FromtheperspectiveofProcesswork,

wecansaythatalltheexperiencesorpositionsthatwedetectinamoreorlessevidentor

consciouswayarerolesofthefield20.Rolesarethepointsofvieworexperiencesrelatedto

a subject or situation. And these roles are presented according towhatwe call field. The

field is a unique space that is defined according to the historical, cultural and personal

contextofeachmoment.

First of all, it helps me to realize that my tendency has been to further marginalize the

biological/instinctivepull,andputmoreemphasisonthesocialconstructionofgender.This

tendencyisexplained,inmycasepartlybecauseofmybackgroundinsociologybutmainly

because of my social condition as a woman, from where I connect with all the daily

discriminations that I have sufferedand continue to suffer fromand react to the historic

assumptionandconsequentoppressionofwomenandmothersusingbiologicalarguments

to legitimize conditions of inequality and marginalization. A part of me reacts to this

dynamic, activating my defenses and at the same time, denying or marginalizing those

experiences that I have lived as amother and that connectmewith feeling auniqueand

irrationalbondwithmyson.

Irememberthatathreedaysaftergivingbirth,whileIwasstillinthehospital,Iwantedto

gooutalonetothestreetforawalk.Mypartnerstayedintheroomwithourson.Itooka

19CristinaBernisCarro,RosarioLópezGiménez,PilarMonteroLópez(Eds.)(2009).Determinantesbiológicos, psicológicosysocialesdeLaMaternidadenelsigloXXI:Mitosyrealidades.XVIIJornadasdeInvestigaciónInterdisciplinaria.EdicionesdelaUniversidadAutonomadeMadrid.20Mindell,A(1995).Sittinginthefire.Howtotransformlargegroupsthroughconflictanddiversity.IcariaMilenrama

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smallwalkaroundtheblockbecauseIfeltrestlessandwantedtogoback.Enteringthrough

thehospitaldoor, I sawamotherwithababy inherarms leave thehospital. I remember

suddenlyIfeltthatthiscouldbemybaby,itevenseemedtomethatitlookedtoomuchlike

him.AndthenIbegantopanicasIdoubtedwhethermysonwouldbeintheroomwhenhe

came back or would have been taken away. It wasn't until I took him inmy arms that I

calmeddownagain. I remembermysurpriseatmyreaction, fromwhich Iwondered"why

wouldn'tmybabybewhereIlefthim?Onanon-rationallevel,myexperienceconnectedme

with that little being through a deep, unexplainable, life-or-death bond. This experience,

which Iamrecountinghere for the first time,at the time Imarginalizedmyselfbecause it

mademefeelinadequate,ofhavinglostthecapacityofcommonsenseorevenofmadness.

LaterItalkaboutmotherhoodanditsrelationshipwithalteredstates.

TheperspectiveofProcessworkmakesiteasierformetoseethesetwopolarizedroles,to

understandthemmoredeeply,andtogivethemequalspace.Ontheonehand,ithelpsme

becomemoreawareoftheimpactthatbeingawomaninoursocietyhashadonme,and

onmanywomen,asawaytoalsohonorandappreciatethedifficulty that thissometimes

entails.Atthesametime,itallowsmetorealizehowthisexternaloppressionisalsoexerted

towardsme,when for example I deny ormarginalize all these experiences of connection

withmyson.Inthisway,IcangivemyselfpermissiontoconnectwiththemomentswhenI

feelauniqueanddeepbondwithmychild,withoutfeelinginadequate,butasagiftthatour

relationshipbrings.

Whathappenstous(thefirst-timemothers)inallthisnewpanorama?Whatremainsofour

ancientidentityasaperson?Inmycase,Iwasnowamother.IwasnolongerjustNúria.In

fact the people aroundme began to relate tome throughmy son. Hewas the centre of

interest.Hewasalsothecentreofmyinterest.Withthebirthofmyson,anewidentity is

wasalsoborn,thatofamother.Inasense,mysonandIarethesameage,wearesharinga

newpathforbothofus,aparallelprocessofgrowth,wherewelearnandmaturetogether

inthesenewidentitiesofmotherandson.

Mynewidentityasamotherawakenedanintenseprocessregardinghowto"beamother"

tomy son, aboutwhat itmeans and the importance of educating a little person. A huge

worldwhereyouaregiventheforegonetaskofaccompanyingadependentbeing.Whatdo

hisneed?HowdoIwanttodoit?Caringforandrespectingadependenthumanbeing,inmy

case,raisesmeconstantquestionsandrevisionsaboutthewayIamandhowIfunction.It’s

apowerfulsourceofpersonal revisionwhereyoustumbleuponpartsofyourself thatyou

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hadnotpreviouslylocatedorthatifyouhad,onlysheepishly.Inmyexperience,bringingup

a childhas thevirtueor thedefectof amagnifyingglasseffect, amplifying someof those

aspectsthatneedtobedealtwith.Betweenthemforexample,andasImentionedabove,it

hashelpedmetobecomemoreawareofmyinternaldynamics inrelationtogender.How

beingawomanaffectsme,noticingtheimpactsithasonmeandbeingmoreawareofhow

thedynamicofoppressionisalsoinme.

During thatprocess,whereyouencounterdifficultiesandchallenges, anewquestionalso

opens up forme and has to do with how to be a "mother" tomyself. That is to say, in

dealingwiththisvulnerability,dependencyandthecarethatIhaveformychild,howamI

abletohavethempresentformyself?WhatplacedoIgivetocare?Howandfromwheredo

Irelatetomyselfandtoothers?WhatspacedoIgivetomyvulnerability?Theyareinternal

questionsandatthesametime,theyarealsoquestionstotheworld.

Responsibility, a giant critic21

OneaspectthatIhaveclearlyseeninmyself,inmysurroundingsandaboveallwithmothers

withwhomIhaveworkedinatherapeuticcontexthastodowithjudgment.Beingamother

puts you in the spotlight. The imaginary and social expectations around how you’re

supposed to be as aMother is a huge responsibility in the individual psychology ofmany

mothers. It is a dynamic that is defined with the birth of the baby, when it is more

dependent,andalsowhenweunconsciouslydefinethefamiliarrelationalpatterns.Inorder

tounderstandthisinamoregraphicway,itisonlynecessarytocompareforamomentthe

socialrelationshipthatthereiswiththefatherfigure.Withoutwantingtocriticise,thereisa

socialtendencytoappreciateandrecognisetheactsorcommitmentsthatfatherstakeonin

their role as caregivers. Thus, for example, howmany times haveweheard someone say

"Whatagoodfather,hepicksuphisdaughterfromschooleveryday"or"howluckyyouare

tohavesuchapartner,whotakescareofhissonsomuch".Andifthatparentdoesn'thave

anactivecaregivingrole,it'lljustgounnoticedbecauseafterallhe'snotexpectedtodoit.

Asmothers,ontheotherhand,itisclearlydifficulttoreceiveappreciationandrecognition

21“Critic:Amarginalizingforcethatisusuallystructuredbyabeliefsystemthatmakestheexperiencesecondary.Itisadreamfigure.“Diamond,JandJones,L.S.(2011)ARoadMadebyWalking.ProcessTherapyinpractice.CRE-SERHumanDevelopmentInstitute.

of 44 21

foryourroleorcommitmenttoparenting.Basically,becauseisittakenforgrantedthatthis

isyourrole.Rather,thereisatendencytoemphasizethosedetailsoractionsthatarenotin

agreement with your supposed role. For example, those mothers who prioritize their

professionalcareersandathomeitisthefatherwhotakesthemostactiveroleinparenting,

aregoingtohavetodealwithcriticismfortheiruncommittedattitude

Thus, in my experience I have realized how difficult it has been for me to receive any

criticism,howeversmall, frommypartneror family.Mypartnerwasat timessurprisedby

my strong reactions to any critical comments concerning parenting. I felt incapable of

listeningto it,muchlesstaking it. Iwasalsosurprisedtonoticetheemotionaltollthathis

commentstookonme.Ithelpedmealottoseethatsamepatternwithcouplesormothers

aroundmeorcomingtotherapy.Thisdynamicisexplained,aboveall,throughthehistorical-

socialimaginarysurroundingthegenderinequalitiesstillpresentinourwesternsocieties.At

thesametime,lookingatthissamedynamicfromProcessworkallowsmetounderstandit,

again, not only as something external to me that conditions me, but also as an internal

dynamiccomposedofdifferentrolesorparts.Inthatsocialandinternalscenariowherethe

beliefthattheresponsibilityforthewell-beingofmychildgoes,aboveall,throughwhatIdo

ordon'tdo,wefindourselvesintworoles.Ontheonehand,whatwecouldcall"thegood

mother",whorepresentsthatfigurethatcaresandattendstothechildwithlove.Andatthe

same time we find its polarity that we will call "the badmother", which represents that

figurethathurtsorcausesharmtothechild,eitherbyomissionorbyherbadpractice.Thus,

inbecomingamotherIbecomedefacto,potentiallyboth,asanapparentlyinescapablepart

ofmynewrole.Whodecides if Iama"goodmother"ora"badmother"?Herewewould

findanewrolethatwewillcallthe"evaluator",thatfigurewhodecidesifyouarebeinga

lovingmotheroramotherwhocausesinjury.Mytendencyistoidentifymyselfasa"good

mother"andattimesasa"badmother"whenIsufferfromtheroleof"evaluator"whotells

methatIamnotdoingwell.Butidentifyingwiththe"evaluating"roleismorecomplicated

forme, it iswhatwe in ProcessWork call "phantom role" because they are far fromour

consciousness.Evenso,alltherolesdescribedarepartofmyexperienceasamother,that

is, they are social roles and they are internal roles. I am at times "good mother", "bad

mother"and"evaluator".

Sointheexampleabove,whenIhavereceivedsomecriticismfrommypartnerinmyroleas

mother,mystrongreactionshavetodowithunconsciouslyoccupyingsomerolesmorethan

others.Inotherwords,Ifeel likeavictimoftheroleof"evaluator"whotellsmethatIam

being"abadmother".Buttheinterestingthingistonoticethatthisevaluatorisalsoinme,

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thatistosaythatbeyondtheexternalcriticism,attimesIbecomemyownevaluatorjudging

ifIdoit"well"or"badly".Therefore,mystrongreactionsareoftennotinrelationtowhatis

beingsaidtomefromtheoutside,butratherIamrelatingtomyowninternal"evaluator"

whooppresses or punishesmeas amother. Being awareof this dynamic helpsme tobe

able to relate tomy different roles as parts ofmyself and thereforewith the capacity to

choose.I'mnolongerjustavictimofexternalcriticism,butaboveall,Icanbemyowncritic

andfromthere,decidethespaceIgiveornottotheoppressivemessage.

InthatprocessIrealizethepresenceofanotherphantomrolethatIwillcall"support",and

thatwouldbethatfigurethatdoesnotjudgebutsupportsthefigureofthemother.Taking

thisrolemoreconsciouslyhelpsmetogivemyselfsupportandconfidenceinmyownwayof

beingamother.So,inanotherexamplewherethissamedynamicwasactivatedinme,ithas

to do with the moment we decided to take my child to the nursery. On the one hand,

connectingwithmyneed forpersonal spaceafter2yearsofhighdedication toparenting,

mademefeel theoptionas legitimateandnecessary.At thesametime I felt that itcould

evenbebeneficialformychild.Ontheotherhand,Ifeltthatthiswasnotarealneedformy

son,thatwhatheneededwasstillspacetosharewithme.Theinternalcriticwhowokeme

uptofeelthatIwasn'tdoing"therightthing"intermsofhisneedswasdifficult.There,my

internal"evaluator"remindedmethatIwasbeinga"badmother.Feeling,forexample,that

Icouldcauseearlytraumatomychildbyexposinghimtoanenvironment(aclassroomwith

20 2-year-old children with the accompaniment of an educator and a half) without him

beingpreparedforit.Obviously,ononelevelthisisundoubtedlyanunsuitablescenariofor

good child accompaniment. Even so, from another level,when I only identifymyself as a

mothercaregiver,intheroleof"thegoodmother"Ifeellikeavictimbynotrespondingto

thepressureofthedemandforcare.ButifIgivespacealsototheotherrolesthatareinme,

andIenterespeciallyinthephantomroleofthe"evaluator"Ibroadenmyunderstandingof

the dynamics. Entering the critic, beyond the oppressive content, I find a certain energy,

veryclearly,thatsupportshisowncriteria.Inthatsense, lookingatmyrealityasamother

fromthisenergyallowsmetoholdallthedifferentrolesthatareinme,connectingwitha

newrole,absentuntilnow,which istheonethatsupportsmywayofbeingamother,the

"support" role. And so, on the one hand, to supportmy criteria about the importance of

takingcareofmychild'sneedsandatthesametimealsomyneedtotakecareofmyself.

Andfromthere,alsotrustinginmyson'scapacitytomanagesomeofthechangesthatlife

andthesocietyweliveinpresentus.Beingabletoconnectwiththisnewrolehasbeenvery

revealingforme,becauseithastodowithtrustingandsupportingmeinmyuniquewayof

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beingamother,outsideofconstantjudgment.

Ambivalence as a way of feeling maternity

"We assume that the phrases would always have two parts: the second

apparently contradicted the first, but its unity was always subject to our ever-

increasing ability to tolerate this ambivalence, for this is precisely what

maternal love is all about."24

In my personal experience motherhood has been very much linked to the intensity and

multiplicity of sensations, emotions and feelings. To begin with during my pregnancy,

especially during the first trimester, I had many physical symptoms (nausea, vomiting,

discomfort,...)whichIexperiencedwithgreatintensity.Thepregnancyconnectedmewith

somethingthatwasoutofmycontrol,mybodywasinfullexplosionofsensationsinavery

intense way and I felt victim to all of them. Exploring that intensity during my therapy

sessions connected me with an indomitable, wild, very powerful energy that appeared

throughmybodilysymptoms. Itwasanenergythatresembledaroughsea,momentsofa

seastorm.Beingthatwildand indomitableseaconnectedmewithabrutal internal force,

fromwhereIdidn'tfeellikeavictimofintensitybecausesuddenlyIwasthatintensity.And

fromthere, itallowedmetolivemypregnancy,with itsdifferentstages,appropriatingmy

process,asawaytoconnectwiththesavageandindomitabletogestatealifewithinyou.25

Withthebirthofmysontheintensitydidnotgoaway,ithascontinuedtoaccompanymein

variousways, beginningwith the simple fact of having an absolutely dependent creature

hookedtomybodyalmostpermanently,cryingtoexpressitsneedsandsuckingmybreasts

ondemand.FornearlythewholeofthefirstyearIcouldn’tsleepmorethan2hoursinarow

duringlongnightsfullofalteredstates.Surprisinglyforme,duringthedayIstillhadenergy

likeIhadneverfeltbefore.Thefeelingthatsomethingwasescapingmywillorcontrolwas

stillverymuchapartofthisnewreality.Thetensionbetweenmyownneedsandthoseof

thecreatureispartoftheeverydayscenario,especiallyintheearlyyearsofparenting.My

need for the baby to fall asleep and his refusal to do so, or to not eat according to my

24Lazarre,J.(2018).“Elnudomaterno”.Lasafueras25SeeexercisestepsforworkingwithbodysymptomsintheAppendix

of 44 24

expectations,ornotachievingthathecalmsdowninthecareofanotherperson...Beingable

to adapt myself to the lack of control of situations or the unexpected response to my

expectationsisachallengethathasgeneratedmuchfrustration.Workingonmyfrustration

on a personal level, I realised that it was a reaction to something. In Processwork it is

understood that often in experiences that bother us there is valuable information about

some aspect or quality that we need to incorporate into our life. In that sense they are

opportunitiestolearnmoreaboutourprocessandwhatweneedrightnow.26So,frustration

inmycasewasa response toanenergy thatwasvery clearaboutmyunmetneeds.That

energywas presented throughmy son notwanting to sleep or notwanting to adapt. By

becomingthatunadaptiveenergyIrealisedtheimportanceofconnectingmorewithwhatI

needed,puttingthefocusonmyself,givingmyselfspace.Asamother it'seasytoget into

the roleof keepingon relentlessly,withoutgiving yourselfpermission to check inonhow

you'redoing.SoinmycaseIwasgeneratingalotoffrustration,especiallywhenmysonput

metothetestnotacceptingmywillorproposal.Beingalittlemorelikemyson,connecting

with myself and my needs is an important aspect of my personal process. From my

experience, my son is in many moments my best teacher. It has to do with what Dawn

Menken names in her book about how we grow through parenting. It's not just our

creaturesgrowingup.Ourdaughtersorsonsconstantlychallengeusbytestingourpersonal

boundariesandquestioningwhoweareandwhowewanttobe.27

Maternityopenedanewandintensetypeofrelationship,andwithitthepackofpolarized

feelings. Before becoming a mother I had never connected so deeply with theoretically

contradictory feelings. To be able to feel love and at the same time hate, illusion and

despair, joyandsadness ...everythingwith thesamemagnitudeandpower,connectsyou

withaninternaljudgmentofnotrespondingtoasupposedexpectation."Eitheryouloveor

youhate"hasmoretodowithmyunconsciousimaginationoftheemotionalworldandits

relationships. But loving and hating at the same timemaymean that there is something

goingwrong.

Atthesametime,thereareemotionsthatIwelcomemorethanothers.Thus,Igivemyself

morepermissiontofeelloveformysonthantofeelhateforhim.Hereagain,theimaginary

ofthemotherasafigureofunconditionalloveispresent.Thus,whenIhaveconnectedwith

momentsofexhaustionandboredomtowardsmyson,myinternal"evaluator"hasactivated

26SeeexercisestepsforworkingwithdisturbancesintheAppendix27Menken,Dawn(2013).RaisingParents,raisingKids.BellySongPress

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herselfbycriticizingmyinabilitytobea"goodmother".

Thisexperienceof suchopposing feelingshasmademe feel confusedandoften lost. This

bewilderment has to dowith a belief system that recognises the control of emotions. If,

suddenly, there is no apparent control, what could happen? I don't know. It touchesmy

personal edges. The concept of edges is defined by Process Work as a point of contact

betweeneverydayidentityandanunknownexperience.29Wealltendtoidentifyourselves

incertainways(forexample,inmycase,beingalovingmother).Onthecontrary,thereare

aspectswithwhichwedonotidentifyatall,eitherbecausewethinktheyarefarfromour

wayofbeingor simplybecausewedonot like them (forexample, inme,beingamother

who doesn't care aboutmy child's welfare). In the separation betweenwhat we identify

withaspeopleandwhatwedon't,wefindtheedge.Theedgestructuresourbeliefsystem,

keeping inorderwhoweareandwhowearenot.Limitsareuseful inthesensethatthey

allowustodefineandprotectouridentity.Atthesametime,edgescanoftengetintheway

of us learningmore about ourselves, of broadening our way of being and understanding

ourselves.Givingspace, forexample, tomoments inwhichyou feel thathavingbecomea

motherhasdestroyedyourlifeand,atthesametime,feelingthatyouloveitwithallyour

strength and that you would not change it for anything in the world. How is such a

contradiction possible? It is such a non-linearway of feeling that itmakesme feel out of

control,beinglostatsea.MybeliefsystemtellsmethatIhavetofeelonethingortheother,

butbothatthesametimeinsuchanintensewaymeansthatthereissomethinginmethat

isn’tworking.

Being aware of howmotherhood, inmy case, is about this, that is to say that part of its

patternisnon-linearity,themultiplicityorambivalenceofemotions,hashelpedmetogive

myselfmore innerpermission to feelmyvariousemotions,and tominimize the judgment

automaticallyactivatedbythewayIliveit..Tobeabletoconnectmorefreelywiththeflow

ofemotions,withthepoles,welcomingmydiversity,aspartofthegiftthatmymotherhood

brings. Here my son has helped me to get in touch with this ability to flow without

judgment.Mychild,forexample,cancryinadisconsolatemannerinanattackofangerand

rage and after a moment be playing so happily. Seeing him has also helped me to give

permissiontomyambivalence,asaskillthatmysonteachesmeeverydayandthatreminds

methatIalsohadintegratedwhenIwaslittle.

29Diamond,JandJones,L.S.(2011)ARoadMadebyWalking.ProcessTherapyinpractice.CRE-SERHumanDevelopmentInstitute.(page145).

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Maternity and the double bind

"I can't wait for tomorrow so that you can take care of the children," she

confessed, "but I'm terrified of leaving them. "30

AnotherinterestingaspectofhowIasamotherrelatetothispolarityoffeelingsisdefined

bytheconceptofthedoublebind.Thetheoryofdoublebindingwascoinedanddeveloped

byanthropologistGregoryBatesonandhisresearchteaminPaloAlto,California(1956).Itis

framed in the systemicperspectiveand refers to thosecommunicative situations inwhich

contradictory messages are received from an authority figure. Thus, double binds are

communicative dilemmas due to the contradiction between two or more messages in a

powerrelationship.Thisleadstothefactthat,regardlessofhowthereceiverresponds,he

orshewillalwaysbemakingamistake.Indevelopinghistheory,Batesonlookedpreciselyat

therelationaldynamicswithinthefamilyenvironmenttoexplainthepsychologicaloriginof

schizophrenia. It is interesting to note how in his approach, the subject creating the

dynamicsofdoublebindwithinthesystemisthemother,andthathe,totallyunconsciously,

exaggerates themother figure without any kind of critical social analysis of gender. It is,

onceagain,thatsocialcriticwhichIhavepreviouslymentionedthatplacesthemotherinthe

focusofthejudgment.Inthissense,thereflectionsandanalysisthatsomeauthorsoffamily

therapymakeonthissubject31areveryrevealing.

BeyondthesuccessorfailureofBateson'sconjectures,theconceptofthedoublebindasa

dilemmaisveryinteresting.

As a mother, especially in the first few years I have found myself trapped in opposing

dynamicsthatparalyzeme.

On the one hand I feel the importance of being very presentwithmy child, above all to

guarantee his well-being. It has to do with that automatism that places me as the main

figure of reference and that makes me feel hugely responsible for this vulnerable and

dependentbeing.Inthisscenario,whenIbegintoconnectwithmyownneeds,puttingthe

30Lazarre,J.(2018).“Elnudomaterno”.Lasafueras31MarianneWalters,BettyCarter,PeggyPapp,OlgaSilverstein. The Invisible Network. Gender-related guidelines in family relationships.FamilyTherapy.

of 44 27

baby aside, I have an internal tension. My needs and those of the baby become

incompatible.ThistensionhastodowiththedynamicIspokeaboutaboveinthesectionon

"Responsibility,aGiantCritic"aroundthatconstructionabouttheultimateresponsibilityof

mothers in the upbringing andwelfare of our children. In otherwords, this dynamic that

makesmea"badmother"ifIattendtomyneedsapartfrommychild,becausethatimplies

notattendingtohisneeds.

On the other hand there is another experience, perhaps less evident, that can also be

stimulatedwithmaternity.Inmycaseithasalsobeenverypresentandhastodowiththe

part ofme that connects, unconsciously, with being awoman from a classical feminist33

pointofview.Itisrelatedtothatfeminismofthe60sand70s,whichemphasizedpersonal

self-realizationasaformofwomen'sliberationandwhichrejectedwomen-motherequality.

In fact, itwas claimed thatmotherhoodhadbeenadecisiveobstacle towomen's growth

andhadrelegatedthemtoanunsatisfactoryprivatelife.Motherhoodwasseenasthemain

obstacle to women's liberation and gender equality, creating the conclusion:

motherhood=dependence=oppression.35There, I connect above all with my personal and

professionalprojectsandwiththeimportanceofgivingthemspace.FromthatperspectiveI

starttocriticizemyselfforbeingrelegatedtothisroleandnotbeingabletobemoreinthe

public sphere, in the world doing things. And there, the critic appears to me in a

heartbreaking way telling me that I are throwing away my life, and my personal and

professionalprojects,andbecomingsubmissivetomyroleasamother.Awomantrappedin

theclutchesofpatriarchy.ThejudgmentforfeelingthatIdevotetoomuchtimeinmylife

exclusivelytocaringforandraisingachildcanpresentitselfastheworstofmynightmares.

Torealisehowthis secondmandatehasalsoarticulatedmyconceptionandexperienceof

motherhoodhasbeenhardontheonehand,andatthesametimeveryrevealing.

Insuchascenario,asamotherIhaveoftenfoundmyselftrappedbythatdoublebindthat

translates into "If I dedicatemyself exclusively to theneedsofmy son I feel bad, and if I

33"Feminismisasocialandpoliticalmovementthatformallybeganattheendoftheeighteenthcentury-althoughithasnotyetadoptedthisdate-highlightingawarenessofwomenasagrouporhumancollective,oftheoppression,domination,andexploitationthattheyhavebeenandaresubjectedtobythemalecollectivewithinthepatriarcialsystemunderitsdifferenthistoricalphasesandmodels,whichmovesthemtoactionfortheliberationoftheirsexwithallthetransformationsofsocietythatarerequired.Sau,Victòria(2001).Feminist Ideological Dictionary (Volume I).Icaria.35CristinaBernisCarro,RosarioLópezGiménez,PilarMonteroLópez(Eds.)(2009).Determinantesbiológicos,psicológicosysocialesdeLaMaternidadenelsigloXXI:Mitosyrealidades.XVIIInterdisciplinaryResearchConferences.EditionsoftheUniversidadAutonomadeMadrid

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don't do it I also feel bad". So you are left with no choice, because neither of them are

acceptable.

That relationship with ambivalence makes you feel edges with both options, because

choosingoneortheotherconnectsyouwithan internal judgment.That is,thepartofme

thatwants toand feels that focusingonmychild'scare isvitally important,and then, the

other part of me that wants to and feels that focusing on my own needs is also vitally

important.Theseedgesarearticulatedthroughmybeliefsystemthatdoesn'tallowmeto

identify fully and congruently with either side. On both sides I suffer because I criticise

myself. On both sides there is something important that has to do with being able to

connectwiththedeepsenseofbothandwiththepowerofconsciousdecision.WhenIam

inadoublebindIfeelpowerless, Isufferandfeel likevictimsofbothsides,unabletofind

answers.

The lookof Processworkhas allowedme to understand this dynamic of double bindwith

new information.On theonehand, I realizehow in realitybehind the twomessages that

paralyzeme,"youhavetoprioritizethecareofyourchild"and"youhavetoprioritizeyour

personalandprofessional sphere" I find,again, the same role that judgesand in this case

belittlesthecare,whethertheirownorthatofothers.Itisaroleofauthoritythatexercises

thetwocontradictorymessages.Inturn,thereisanotherrolethatisthevictim,whosuffers

fromthatauthority.Botharerolesthatarepresentinme,althoughIonlyidentifywiththe

victim from the start. And therefore I feel trapped and paralyzed. From Processwork we

wouldsay that thewaytogetoutof thedoublebind is toconnectwith thepowerof the

roleofauthorityandthusbeabletostopthedynamicthatblocksme.Inmycase,jumping

theedgeandconnectingwithmypowerhastodowithappreciatingandgivingrealvalueto

thecare.Tobeginwith,ithelpsmetoconnectwiththeunderlyingsenseofwantingtobea

mother.Mymotherhoodhasnotbeenaneasyroad,Iwasinvolvedinanintenseprocessfor

6yearsuntilIbecamepregnant.Irefusetothinkthatitwasinvain.Thereissomethingdeep

inmysearchformotherhood.And I realizethat ithasa lottodowithpayingattentionto

care, to accompanying vulnerability and fragility, to welcoming them as part of life and

strength.Tobepresentwithwhathappensonanemotional level, tosustainme.Andthis

process is an invitation through my child, to pay attention also to my own emotions,

vulnerabilitiesandstrengths.

Fromhere,IamawarethatIhavemadedecisionsaboutmymotherhood.ThatIamnotonly

avictimofadoublebindthatparalyzesme,butthatIcanconnectagainwithmypowerof

decision,withmywayofwantingtobeandtotakecareofmyself.

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What is theplaceofcare inourworld?Howdowetendtomarginalisethe importanceof

careinWesternsociety?Tobeabletogivecarethevaluethatitreallydeserves,andinthis

casetomotherhoodasanexperiencebasedabovealloncare,Ibelievethatitisanissueof

social justice. Caring, as an act of activism, to give the space and importance that care

deserves,tobringintotheworldlittlepeoplewhoappreciatecare,whocanfeelthatcaring

forthemselvesandothers isfundamentaltolivingincommunity.Andthat'swhereplacing

the importance of care at the center is an act of activism because that is profoundly

transformative.Fromthere,inthematernalexperiencetheneedtocareforachildisjustas

importantastheneedtocareforoneself.Butthiscannotbedonebymothersalone,norby

fathers or maternal figures. For that, the commitment of the whole society is necessary

because in order to be able to take care others, it is essential to be able to take care of

oneself.InmyownexperienceIhaverealizedthedifficultyofbeingabletotakecareofmy

childwhen Idon't takecareofmyself.Andat thesametime, the lackofcongruencewith

whichIdoit,generatesanunhealthymessage.Formeitisofvitalimportancethatmyson

feelscaredforandthathelearnstotakecareofhimself,andforthatheneedstohaveclose

referencesofpeoplewhotakecareofothersat thesametimeas theyknowhowto take

careofthemselves.

Takecareofmylips,

Takecareofmylaughter.

Carrymeinyourarms,

Don'trushme.

Nevermistreatmyfragility,

I'llsteponthegroundyoustepon.

Takecareofmyhands,

Takecareofmyfingers.

Givemethecaress,

Thatrestsinthem.

Nevermistreatmyfragility,

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I'llbetheimageinyourmirror.

Takecareofmydreams,

Takecareofmylife.

Takecareofthosewholoveyou,

Takecareofthosewhotakecareofyou.

Nevermistreatmyfragility,

I'llbethehugthatrelievesyou.

Takecareofmyeyes,

Takecareofmyface.

Opentheroads,

Givemethewords.

Nevermistreatmyfragility,

I'mtomorrow'sfortress.38

MATERNITY IN THE WORLD

Howdo all these aspects and internal experiences that I havebeen talking aboutpresent

themselvesintheworldorinthepublicsphere?

Forme,fittingmyrealityasamotherintotheoutsideworldhasbeenadifficulttime.When

Ispeakoftheoutsideworld,Iamreferringtotheworldofthepublicsphere,ofproductive

life,ofthevisible,againstwhatwouldbetheprivateormoreintimatesphere.

Beingamotherhasledmealmostinevitablytotheprivatesphere,asaspacethatissought

afterformomentsofsecurityandcomfortandatthesametimeasanoptionthatistaken

for granted. I remember verymuch in the beginning the need to have spaceswithmore

motherswherewecould shareexperiencesand realities. Theburdenof caring for ababy

38Guerra,P.(2014).Song“Takecareofme”fromthealbum"20years".

of 44 31

canbe exhausting and thehouse at times canbecomeaprison. Being able to sharewith

othermothersformewasalifesaver.IamdeeplygratefultothemothersIbefriendedalong

theway.Ifeelthatwesharethatlevelofdeepintimacythatcomeswhenyoumeetpeople

whoarehavinglifeexperiencessimilartoyourown.Evenso,andfromtheawarenessofthe

importanceoffeelingsupported,Ihavefeltthelackoforganizedspaceswherewecanshare

experiencesandnetwork.

Inmy professional situation, as a result ofmy pregnancy, I decided to leavemy job as a

salariedemployee in the community environmentbecause itwas incompatible (especially

duetotimetables)withmywayofwantingtomanagetheupbringing.Igotunemployment

benefitsforawhile,andfinallybecameautonomousasthemostcompatibleformwithmy

new reality. The flexibility of the hours that that allowed me, even with a substantial

decreaseinmyincome,compensatedmeforthedecision.

I especially remember the pleasure that I felt the firstmoment that I reconnected briefly

withmywork,leavingasideforawhilemyroleasamother.Beingabletobeintouchwith

myprofessional spherewassupergratifying. Itwasawayofbeingable to reconnectwith

thoseaspectsofmyidentity,priortomymotherhood,thatallowedmetofeelbeyondbeing

amother.Inmycase,havingthistypeofspacehasbeenalmostessential,asawayofseeing

my being in a more complete way. Here I want to thank my partner for his support,

accompanyingmewithmy son in some of the places where I went to work to continue

breastfeeding.

On theotherhand,when Iwanted to reconnectwithsomeof thesocial spacesofmy life

beforemotherhooditwasespeciallydifficultforme.Ifounditpainfultotrytoincorporate

myself,nowwithmyson,intoplacesthatwereonceeasyandimportant,andtorealisemy

inabilitytofeelcomfortable.Theintensityofthematernalexperiencewithitsambivalence

of emotionsmade it difficult forme to reconcile the non-linearity of those emotions in a

worldthatattimesIconceiveaslinear,stable,whereyouhavetoknowwhat’sgoingonfor

youandwhy.Aworldthatalsoemphasizesourcapacitytobeautonomousandindependent

people.Forme,submergedinaseaofemotionsinmanyuncontrollablemoments,beingin

thesocialspheremademefeelinadequate.

Tobeginwith,asIhavealreadyexplained,becauseinternallyithasbeendifficultformeto

acceptthisdynamicandthereforegiveitpermission,asIhavejudgeditasundesirable.That

internal difficulty, beyond being personal, is linked to the social belief system that

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emphasizesrationality,productivityandefficiencyforitsproperfunctioning.Suddenlygoing

outintotheworldfromthatwayoffeelingplacesyou,veryoftenonthemarginsofsociety.

Itwasdifficulttomefitintosocialspaces,wherelinearityissopresent.

Forme,reconcilingmyexperienceasamotherwithmysoninspacesdesignedforadultshas

beenabigchallenge.Irealizethatpartofmydifficultywasgivingmeabsolutepermissionto

noticemyneedsasamother,expressthemorevenaskforsupport.Myedgetofeelingas

legitimatemyneedsasamothermademeadapt to theenvironmentandmarginalizemy

reality. It has to do with my edge to being in touch with my vulnerability and feeling

dependent.AsIexplainbelow,subvertingmyrelationshipwithvulnerabilityhashelpedme

tobreakoutofmyisolationinsuchsituations.

Howdowe fit this experience into aworld that doesnotwelcomeemotional intensity in

uncontrolled and politically incorrect moments? The easy thing is simply to label this

experience, especially in the beginning when it presents itself with more intensity, as a

hormonal imbalance, a passing phase until everything returns to its natural order. We

therefore marginalize the experience or don’t give it significant value. We even label

mothers who more obviously express their altered states as incapable, uncontrolled and

thereforeunfitasmothers.

Inmy case, I know that that experience does not go away, itmay change in intensity or

expression, but the ambivalence in emotions will continue to be present. Because the

patternhastodowithambivalence,that'spreciselywhatit'sabout.Thatpatternhastodo

withmotherhoodbutnotonlythat.Ithastodowithourwayofbeingintheworld,withthe

spacewegivetoallthoseexperiencesthatarenotlinear.Hereagain,mysonhasbeenmy

bestteacher.Seeinghisfacilitytobewithallhisstatesintheworld,withoutfilters,without

marginalizinganyofhisexperiences,hasbeenamodeltofollow.Now,asIwritethis,Iam

movedtorealizewhatanimmensegiftitisforme,asanexperiencethatteachesmedayby

day to be more in touch with my emotions and sensibility. At times, his naturalness in

bringing his states into the public sphere, especially anger, sadness or discomfort, was

disturbingtome.Atonepoint, I realizedhowwhatwasdisturbingtomewasthatmyson

wasdoingsomethingIwasnotallowingformyself.Realizingthat,helpedmetowelcomemy

diversity of emotions, however difficult or conflicting theymight be, right from the start.

Andthat inturnmakes iteasierformetogivemyselfmoreinternalpermissiontoexpress

of 44 33

themorbringthemintotheworld.39

Dependency relationships

Anotherfactorthatmadeitespeciallydifficultformetofitintotheworldasamotherwas

mydiminishedabilitytobeanindependentperson.Uptothetimeofbeingamother,Ihad

tendedto identifymyselfasafairlyautonomousperson,thefruitamongotherthingsofa

belief system built within my family of origin, where independence has always been

overvalued.AsCarolinadelOlmoreflectsinherbook"Wheremytribeis"autonomyandour

abilitytobe independentpeople isoneoftheaspectsthat isespeciallyappreciated inour

westernsocieties.Itisalmostasocialmaximthatresemblesadulthoodandmaturity.Thus,

from a very young age, we transmit to our children our desire for them to become

independent people, capable of governing their own lives without the need for external

help.Paradoxically,intwoofthemostcrucialstagesofourlives,childhoodandoldage,we

areorbecome,toagreaterorlesserextent,dependentbeings.

Duringmypregnancy Ibegantoconnectwithaneedto feelmypartneraspartofmy life

system, as something almost essential to my well-being. With the birth of our son that

feelingwasaccentuated.Itwasaprofoundneedtofeelthatwewereateam,unbreakable,

completelycongruent.Thatfeelingwasveryconnectedwithmyabilitytobeintouchwith

myvulnerability.Ididn'tfeellikeanindependentbeingatall,oratleastnotinthewayIhad

conceivedmyselfuntilnow.

Duringmotherhood,thisrelationshipofdependenceisexpressedclearlyandforcefully.On

theonehand,dependencewasarticulatedfrommysontomeasamother,arelationship

thatespecially in thebeginning I acceptedand recognizedmoreclearly.Andon theother

hand,dependencewasalsopresentfrommeasamothertomysurroundings.Asamother,

especially inthebeginning, Ibecameadependentperson.Dependentonbasicneedssuch

asshowering,eating,goingtothebathroom.Iwasclearlydependentonotherpeopletobe

abletofunction.Whatwashappening(carryingandraisingababy)wassomethingsogreat

thatthewisdomofmybodyknewIcouldn'tdoitalone.Thatexperienceistotallycontrary

39Seeguidedexercisetoworkwithsomethingthatdisturbsus.

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towhatIthinkissociallyexpectedofme.Idependedonmyenvironmenttovaryingdegrees

inordertoreconcilemychild'scarewithmyown.Forexample,Idependedonmypartnerto

restafteranightofintenseandexhaustingbreastfeeding.Ortobeabletogotoworkand

have them (my partner andmy son) accompanyme onmy journeys and thus be able to

reconcilebreastfeedingwithmywork.OrIdependedonmyparentstobeabletostudyor

go toworkwhenGuillemwasnotyet inkindergarten.Myactionsweresuddenlynotonly

aboutme,butrequiredanddependedonmyenvironment.

Coming into contact with feeling dependent, at first, can also be a difficult experience,

especially if your identity, reinforced by social definition, has been built on a supposed

independenceandautonomy.Relyingonotherstodoornotdothingsatmanytimesmade

mefeelincapable.

Atthesametime,fromthepressuretobetheemancipatedwomanwhocandoanything,

youcanreacttothatdependencebytryingtobecomethesuperwoman,capableofanything

andeverything.Andthere,wearedenyingormarginalizingthepartofusthatneedssupport

andoftenexternalsupport.

Thefeelingofdependenceisverymuchconnectedwithvulnerability.It'sthatinternalspace

whereyouconnectwithyourmostfragileanddelicatebeing.Thatpartthatneedssupport.

Inthebeginning,therelationshipwithmyvulnerabilitymademefeelsmall,becauseIwasn’t

used to being exposed to it in such a clear way. With the birth of my son I have felt

vulnerableatmanytimes,especiallythroughconnectingwiththedifficultiesandchallengesI

havefaced.Iremember,forexample,thebeginningsofbreastfeedingwhereGuillemandI

needed a period of mutual adaptation to find a way to latch on to my nipples without

causingmepain.Thefirstdaysaftergivingbirth,thepaininmybreastswassuchthatevery

timemychildhadtosuck I feltoverwhelmed. Iconnectedwithmyvulnerabilitybyfeeling

helpless,untilmypartnerprovidedsupportandwesoughtsupportinabreastfeedinggroup.

Dependence becomes difficult when I relate to my vulnerability through incapacity or

inadequacy.Thatis,thebeliefthatpowerisonlyinthefortress,makesmeplacemyself in

dependencyrelationships,sometimesfromaplaceofsubmission.Butif,insteadoftakingit

away, Iplacevalueonvulnerability,thingschange.SuddenlywhenIstoppeddeploringmy

vulnerabilityIrealisedthatitallowedmetobeintouchwithmyselfinaprofoundway,that

itwasastateinwhichIcouldfeelmoreeasily,andbemoreconnectedwithmysensitivityto

myselfandtotheworld.Motherhoodhasgivenmeanopportunitytodiscoverandreconcile

withmyvulnerability.Andfarfromfeelingthatit issomethingthatmakesmesmall, ithas

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allowedmetoconnectwithasmallgift,torecognisemyfragilityinordertoappreciatethe

profoundmeaning of dependency relationships. It has to do with feeling that we are all

connected and dependant, that our existence is clearly based on dependence on our

environment, thatweexist thanks toand in spiteofourenvironment.Wearedependent

beings, although we have built a society that emphasizes the contrary and denies

dependenceasifitwereoneoftheworstsocialwrongs.

SimultaneouslytomymotherhoodIhavebeenabletolivecloselytheagingprocessofmy

father-in-law. It hasbeenvery revealing tobeable to seeand feelhowhis agingand the

upbringing of Guillem had in common that relationship with dependency. To notice how

dependencemanifestsitselfinitsmaximumexpressionintwoofthemostcrucialstagesof

ourlives,thebirthandtheendoflife.Itislikeclosingacycle,anaturalcyclethatrevolves

around interdependencies.Andtorealizehowduringmy lifeprocess, Ihavebeendenying

that aspect, trying to live in the illusion or fantasy of believing myself independent,

emphasizingmyindividuality.Inthisway,whenoldagearrives(asforexamplethroughthe

aging of my father-in-law), I have been able to rediscover the inevitable meaning of

relationships,oftheirdependencies..Andasinupbringing,thisnotonlyhappenstotheone

who becomesmore obviously dependent, i.e. the baby or the elderly person, but it also

touchesthewholeenvironment,whodirectlyfeelschallengedbydependence.Livingthese

twoprocessesinparallel,hasopenedmyeyestoarealityformeinvisibleuntilnow,feeling

deeply moved. Knowing myself and ourselves vulnerable, dependent, interconnected as

somethingcentraltoourexistence. Inthatsense,tolivemotherhoodasanopportunityto

remember and rediscover interdependent relationships and ties, not only as part of a life

stagebutalsoaspartofthesenseofwhoweareasaspecies.

Maternity: shadows of the city40

I have often lived my maternal experience in an altered state. It has to do with those

moments when I felt that my experience or reality was unknown to me and out of my

control.IrememberthosesituationsinwhichIwasimmersedinanemotionalintensitythat

40Mindell,Arnold(2008).CityShadows:PsichologicalInterventionsinPsichiatry.Paperback

of 44 36

overflowedme,without thecapacity tounderstand.Whenmy innerexperiencemademe

feellikeaMartianfromanothergalaxy,abeingnavigatingbetweenlove,anger,"Ican'ttake

it anymore", insecurity, strength, ... without the ability to explain or share it. The long

sleeplessnightswhere I felt lostandconfused,at times connectingwithan irrational fear

thatfilledeverything.

Processworkspeaksofanalteredstateasastateofconsciousnessthatisdifferentfromthe

"ordinary"stateconnectedwithsocialandcollectivenorms.Thesearestates inwhich the

ability to metacommunicate is partially or totally lost. Metacommunication refers to the

abilitytoexplainwhatishappeningasifitwerehappeningtoanotherperson,itmeansthat

thereisapartofthenarratorwhoisnotidentifiedwiththeexperienceandcantalkaboutit.

Thus, inAlteredStates,especially in theExtremeStates,weareno longerable tonarrate

whatishappeningtous.

The altered states thatweexperience arenotonly connected toourpersonal psychology

butalsotocollectivepsychology.Accordingtothetheoriesofthefield,itissaidthatevery

fieldhasitsownconsciousness.Thus,accordingtoMindellausefulandtentativetheoryto

consider is that a field does everything it can to reach consciousness. In that sense for

example,peopleexperienceitwheninourliveswerealizeaspectsorexperiencesthatmake

our lives more meaningful. In the case of Altered States, the person does not have the

capacity tometacommunicatehisexperienceandtherefore to realize it,althoughhedoes

have his environment. In this sense, the hypothesis formulated from the Process Work

states that the field is expressed through peoplewith Altered or Extreme States (such as

Schizophrenia)whocannotcommunicatetheirexperience,toexpressbeforetheworldand

becomeawareof aspects thatwewouldotherwisedenyor neglect. In thisway, the field

informsthegeneralpublicaboutourownconflictsasasociety.41

Jungusestheterm"shadow"torefertopartsofthepersonalitythatareseparatefromthe

conscious attitude.Mindell extends this idea and transfers it to society: he speaks of the

shadowsofthecitybyreferringtoexperiencesorinformationthatsocietymarginalizes.This

information finds channels to express itself, and people are like a channel to express all

thoseaspectsthatarenotpermittedinsociety.Thus,fromthatperspective,alteredstates

areprocesseswhereallthoseaspectsthatareclearlyconnectedwiththesocialandcultural

system in which we live are expressed, and therefore looking at them with that

understanding makes us take collective, as opposed to just individual, responsibility for

them.41Mindell,Arnold(2008).CityShadows:PsichologicalInterventionsinPsichiatry.Paperback(pag40-43)

of 44 37

Understandingmotherhoodasanalteredstateformeopensawindowtoanunderstanding

beyondmyown experience and gives it a broadermeaning.How ismotherhoodbringing

information aboutwhat part emotions play in theworld?Howdowe relate to ambiguity

andemotional intensity?Whatplacedowegivetodependencyrelationships,vulnerability

andcare?Possibly,withmotherhoodwequestionapersonalandsocialbeliefsystemthat

saysthatwecanonlyfeelonethingatatime,inalinearway,thatwehavetohavecontrol

overouremotions,thatvulnerabilityandfragilityarenotacceptableandthatwehavetobe,

aboveall,independentpeople.Thedifficultyinfittingmotherhoodintothatcontrarybelief

system often produces altered states as a way of compensating for a marginalized and

oppressedexperience.

Fromthere,myviewexpandstoconceiveofmotherhoodasanopportunitytobroadenmy

identityandsocialidentitybyallowingmetoenterstatesthatcrossedgesandquestionwho

Iamandwhoweare.Motherhoodcangiveustheopportunitytoconnectwiththefluidity

betweenthepolarities,tobeabletofeelthepolesandtoflow.Andthat'slife.Inmycaseit's

very much connected to the source of giving birth. Giving birth for me was an intense

experiencethatconnectedmeverystronglywithbothlifeanddeath.Intheprocessofgiving

birthIfeltverypowerfulandconnectedtolifeandatthesametimeveryvulnerablewhere

deathwasverypresent.Toknowmyself inconnectionandtrustwithmyinnerexperience

andatthesametimefeeltheuncertaintyoftheprocess.TofeelstrengthinknowingIwas

outofcontrol.It'sastrangefeeling.Itisaprocesswherethetwoenergiesconverge,lifeand

death.There,ambivalenceisalreadypresent. Icanliveandgive lifeandIcandieandgive

death.Thereisonceagainapointofnocontrol,nolinearity.Inacertainsense,thereislife

anddeathat thesametime.Anew lifeandanew identityarebeingborn.And Iwasalso

dyingapartofwhatIhadbeensofar.

Motherhood in that sense (likeoldageor illness)becomes "shadowsof the city"bringing

dependenceandvulnerabilityasperipheralexperiencesofoursociety.

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CONCLUSIONS

Thisprojectisbasedonwantingtoexploremyexperienceasamotherthroughthelensesof

Processwork. What did this exercise do for me? How has Processwork helped me to

understand and relate to my motherhood?First of all, I distinguish two types of

contributions,someatatheoreticallevelandothersthathavetodowithattitudes.Onthe

onehand,atatheoretical level, theProcessworkhasallowedmetounderstandmaternity

fromatripleconceptionofreality,givingspacetodifferenttypesofexperiences,aspectsor

levelsthatoccursimultaneouslyandthatareallpartofthesamereality.

Thus for example, broadeningmy view ofmotherhood, having understood it as a purely

personal and therefore private experience, and then conceiving it as a social experience,

taking it into the public sphere, has allowed me to break with its forced invisibility and

presentittotheworldassomethingthatgoesbeyondmothersandinsomeway,challenges

allpeople.ThisisafirstlevelfromwhichIrealizeasinthedimensionofConsensusReality,

maternityisstillsociallysituatedonthemargins.Asmothers,inmanymomentswecontinue

sustaininganindispensablereproductiveroleforthesurvivalofthespecies.But insteadof

feelingthatIamcontributinginameaningfulandvaluablewaytotheworld,Ibegintoenter

Altered States that connect me with being inadequate and feeling very little power. To

understand that my inability at times to feel connected to my power and my internal

difficultieswithmotherhoodarealsoareflectionofthatsocialdynamicthatdetractsfrom

anexperience,whichinturnishighlypowerful,hashelpedmetorealizehow,atthelevelof

ConsensusReality,wecontinuetoliveinapatriarchalsocietywheregenderinequalitiesare

still very present. This is unavoidable and requires social denunciation to reverse this

dynamic.

Atthesametime,entering intomymaternalexperiencethroughtheDreamLevelopensa

wholeprocesswhereIunderstandthedifferentexperiencesIexperienceasrolesinafield

ofwhich I amalsoapart. Fromhere, thepowerdynamics that Iobserveona social level

ceasetobesomethingexternal tome,tobecomepartof internaldynamicsaswell.Tobe

abletoseethatwhichdisturbsmeaspartofmeaswell.Tobeabletorelatetomycriticsas

amother,notonlyassomethingthatcomestomefromoutside,butassomethingthat is

alsoinme,andthusbeabletodialoguewiththem.Knowingmyselfatoppressivemoments,

notonlyavictim,allowsmetosubvertthemodelofrelationshipwithmyselfand,therefore,

withtheworld.Inthatsense,throughtheLevelofDreams,Irealizehowmotherhoodforme

has been a call to connect with my personal power, questioning my belief systems

environment aspects such as vulnerability, care, dependency relationships or emotional

ambivalence.Inmycase,thisisapathofpersonalgrowth.Allinall,anaspectthathasbeen

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revealingformeonthispathhasbeentobeabletogivespacealsotothatlevelofreality,

the Essence Level, which does not understand polarities and which connects you with

somethingbeyondlogicalcomprehension. Inmycase,motherhoodhasalsobeenasource

of connection with a deep sense of life, which includes death, not as two separate

experiences,butasgoinghandinhand.Ithastodowiththathardtoexplainfeelingwhen

givingbirth,youfeelthatbeingbornanddyingisthesamething.Ofinterconnectedness,of

feeling a deep bondwithmy environment, of immense love, as I had never experienced

before.ToconnectwiththecertaintythataloneintheworldIcouldnotsurvive.Thatpartof

reality, at times I have tended to marginalize it due to my internal critics who woke up

needing to classify the experience in a polarity. Seeing this level as part of mymaternal

reality as well, without denying everything else, has allowed me to feel it with more

freedom.

Therefore, at a theoretical level, conceivingmymaternity from the three levels of Reality

inevitably entails including the concept of Deep Democracy, whichmeanswelcoming the

diversityofexperiencesandaspectsthatformpartofmymaternity,notonlyassomething

desirablebutassomethingessentialtounderstandandbecomeaware.

Ontheotherhand,avaluablecontributionthatformemeanstheProcessWork,hastodo

withattitudes.Fromthisparadigmalotofemphasisisplacedontheconceptofmetaskills.It

has to do with the intention or attitude with which we use the skills given through

knowledge.Thus,howIapproachstudyingmymotherhoodisasimportantaswhat.Inthis

sense, a first attitude that has helped me a lot in this process has to do with curiosity.

Wanting tounderstand,withoutprejudging,having curiosity for all parts, both thosewith

whichIidentifyandthosewithwhichIdonotidentify.Hereagain,mysonhasremindedme

oftheimportanceofthisattitude.Hiswayofrelatingtotheworld,tolearning,feelingthat

everything is new, allows him to do so from an authentic curiosity. Thus, the attitude of

curiosity allows me to go further, entering for example into that which disturbs me,

becomingitandtransformingmyselfbyconnectingtosomethinguseful.Inthissense,below

Iproposesomeexercises thatcanserveasaguidetoexploresomeof theconcepts that I

havebeennarratingthroughoutmyproject.

Another attitude that for me has been significant and a contribution to my approach, is

beingabletobepersonal.Beingabletotalkaboutmyexperiencegivingspacetomypresent

emotionsandfeelingsallowsmetogivesupporttoallmyexperiences.Forexample,being

able to connectwith the pain of feeling like a victim also allowsme to give space tomy

vulnerabilityandtheimportanceoffeelingsupported.Andthatalsomakesiteasierforme

togototheotherside,andconnectinapersonalwaywiththepartofmethatisoppressive,

givingspacetopowerandcompassion.Beingpersonalhasbeenachallengeformethathas

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meantrunningintomyedgesoverandoveragain,untilIcangraduallyconnectwithvaluing

myownexperienceandfeelingthatdoingsogeneratessomethingvaluableandmeaningful.

Iwouldnothavebecomeawareofmyexperienceandbeabletotransformmyselfwithout

beingpersonal.

In this sense, the fact that this project speaks of my personal experience has meant a

journeyforme.Atripwithsweetmoments,withothersdifficultanddisturbing,sometimes

dizzyfromthewavesandothersgratefulfortheswayingofthewaves.IfeellikeI'vecomea

longway fromwriting to this day.My project has been transformed to the extent that I

have.Now it'snot thesameprojectaswhen Istarted.Andsurely fromhereayearwould

alsobedifferent.AndthatispartofitsnatureandalsothecontributionofProcessWork.To

understand myself as a living system, in movement and therefore changing and in

continuous transformation. There is no end, no permanent resolution. Just a flow of

informationthatIcanlearnfrombybecomingaware.Iamdeeplygratefulforbeingableto

travel.

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APPENDIX: INTERNAL WORK EXERCISES

ThroughouttheprojectIhavenamedsomemomentsofinnerworkthathavehelpedmein

my dynamics of challenge or difficulty in my motherhood process. Here I propose some

concreteexercisesthatItrustcanbeusefulasapersonalworktool.

WORKINGWITHCRITICS

1. Thinkofasituationwhereyoufeelcriticizedforyourroleasamother.

2. Noticewhatthecriticismislike,whatitsays,andhowitsaysit.Trytobecriticalfor

amoment.Imagineshowingsomeoneelsewhatthatcriticismislike.

3. Indoingso,noticethebodyposture,thetoneofvoice,theattitudethatgoeswith

thecriticism.

4. Foramomentputasidethecontentofthecritiqueandnoticeifthereisanyfigure

orcharacter(realorfictitious)thatappears.

5. Becomethatcharacterorfigureandmovethroughspacebeinghim.Letyourselfbe

seducedbythatcharacter,playandimaginethatyouarethatfigureforawhile.

What'ssospecialaboutthatcharacter?Doituntilyounoticewhathisqualityis.

6. Inwhatwaycouldthatqualitybeusefultoyoutodealwiththecriticalsituationof

point1?Whatwouldyoudodifferentlyfromthequalityofthisfigure?

WORKINGWITHOPPRESSION

1. Thinkabouthowyousometimesfeeloppressedinyourexperienceasamother.

Describeindetailwhattheexperienceislike,howitaffectsyou.

2. Trytonoticewhatitisthatdisturbsyouthemostandtrytoshowitwitha

movement.

3. Repeatthemovementandnoticeifithasanaccompanyingsound.Doitasmany

timesasnecessaryuntilyoufeelwhatitsqualityoressenceis.

4. Howcouldthisqualitybeusefultoyouinyourdailyexperienceasamother?How

couldthisqualitysupportyouinthosemomentswhenyoufeeloppressedinyour

roleasmother?

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WORKINGWITHABODYSYMPTOM

1. Thinkofabodysymptom(aphysicalsensation,discomfort,orpain)thatispresent

now.Describehowitisandhowyounoticeit.Realizeifnowisagoodtimeforyou

toexplorethatsymptomorifthepainordiscomfortistooacutetopayattention

to.

2. Ifyouwanttoexploreit,trytonotice,beyondthepartofyouthatsuffersfromthe

symptom,whatcreatesthesymptom.Isitsomethingthatsqueezes?Something

stabbing?Somethingthatshakes?Trytobeasspecificaspossibleinnoticingwhat

thesymptomgenerates.Maybeyougetanimageoramovement.

3. Onceyouhaveit,helpyourselfwiththemovementand/orasoundtogetmoreinto

itandgraduallybecomeit.

4. Repeatitasmanytimesasyouneeduntilyoufeelthatyoufindaqualitythat

definestheessenceofthatmovement.

5. Howcouldthatqualitysupportyouinyourcurrentvitalmoment?Howdoesthat

qualityneedmorespaceinyourlifenow?

WORKWITHADISTURBANCE

1. Thinkofasituation,someoneorsomethingthatbothersordispleasesyou.Notice

exactlywhatdisturbsyou.Beasspecificasyoucan.

2. Representthatwhichdisturbsyouwithamovementorgesture.Andgetmoreand

moreintothatmovement.Trytomakeitbiggerorsmaller,noticeitsrhythm,its

intensity,itsspeed.

3. Andrepeatituntilyoufindoutwhatitsessenceorqualityis.

4. Howcouldyouusethatqualityinyourroleasmother?Howcouldthatenergy

supportyouinyourmaternalrole?

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