ContentsPreface

Introduction

ChapterOne:Reflection,wisdomandinsight

ChapterTwo:Techniquesfortradingwisdom

ChapterThree:Goodquestionstoask

ChapterFour:Colourfultechniquesforcapturingthe‘aha’moments

ChapterFive:Cleverconversationswithothers

ChapterSix:Wisdomreceivedfromothers

ChapterSeven:Beingwiseabouttheworld

ChapterEight:Beingwiseaboutrelationships

ChapterNine:Beingwiseaboutyourself

ChapterTen:Learningfromyourinterestsandyourpastexperiences

ChapterEleven:Beingwiseaboutyourwork

ChapterTwelve:Whenwisdomgoeswrong

ChapterThirteen:Pullingitalltogether

Bibliography

Index

Formyson,HenrySkellett2May1992–15May2013

Someonesotrue...Henry lived his life as a young man ... in the present moment and in a

worldofactivity,adventureandfun.NotforHenrythevacuousspeculationofanolderman.Hisdadwas toofullofwaffle.He took ituponhimself tokeepmehonestandgroundedasIwrotethisbook.Itissuchashamethathedidn’tlivelongenoughtoseethefinishedproduct.Iwouldhavevaluedhisopinionofitabovetheopinionofallothers.Hewastrulywisebeyondhisyears.

PrefaceEvery so often we come across a simple truth that makes a personalconnection for us. It could be a familiar quote or saying. It could be apolitician’scatchphraseorafamilymotto.Sometimesitcomesnaivelyfromthemouthofan innocentchild.Or itcouldbesimpleadvice froma friend.Sometimesit’sacomedian’swickedone-liner.These simple truths capture complex issues in a single phrase; reflecting

theworldasweseeit.Itresonateswithus.When this happens, we experience an ‘aha’ moment. We have gained

insight or perhaps experienced a transformational moment. Suddenly werealisesomethingabout life thatweprobablyalreadyknewbuthadn’t fullyacknowledged.Thisisapersonal‘lightbulb’momentandwebecomewiserasaresult.Each of us carries a collection of personal ‘truths’ about ourworld, our

relationships and ourselves. They help us make sense of the business ofbeing alive. They are often derived from our life experience, but they arealsohandeddowntousbythepeoplethatwehaveknownorknow.Theyaresubjectivebeliefsthatorganisethewaythatweseetheworld.But howoften dowe take the time to reflect and consider the full depth

and breadth of our ‘personal wisdom’? We are so busy living life in themomentthatwerarelymaketimetopullupandseethebiggerpicture.Ouraccumulated experience inevitably makes us wiser as individuals but,generally,wetendnottoappreciatehowfarwehavecome.The Power of the Second Question is about creating the opportunity to

pause, to reflect and to consider exactly who we are. To affirm what wevalue in life andwhat general principles guideour behaviour. It asks us toconsiderwhat lessonswe have learned aswe have travelled life’s journey,andwhatourwiselegacyshouldbe.Thisbookisaboutfindingwaystoseeabigger picture, to help us to discover themeaning and sense of purpose inourlives.And how can we see the bigger picture? How can we extract a wiser

perspectiveonourworld?

Byaskinggood thought-provokingquestionsofourselves,wecanpause,take a breath and reflectmore expansively about life.We also need to setasidetimetoencouragethishabit.Aswegrowolderwebecomewisernaturally.This isbecausewedoless

and we think more. This cognitive shift towards reflection becomesincreasinglyrelevantandimportanttousasweage.Asaresult,wecanseepatternsrepeatingthemselves.Welistentothestoriesofothersandwereactwith a more measured, less emotional response. The specific details of asituation become less important. Instead, we become more interested indistillingtheessentialmessagefromastoryandfindingabroadercoherence.We become ‘detached observers’ or commentators on the life that goes onaround us. Experience also allows us to become more accepting andphilosophicalaboutlife.Knowing a little more about life is about learning to know more about

ourselvesandourcorebeliefs.Thisenablesustoliveamoreauthenticlife,without feeling constricted by the opinions of others.We become our ownpersonandwecarryamoredefinedpersonalcompassthatgivesdirectiontoour lives.But this is not an automatic process and it is easy to drift ratheraimlessly through life. To reset that compass we sometimes need to askchallengingquestionsofourselves;questions that elicit apersonalwisdom.These questions are known as ‘second questions’. In The Power of theSecondQuestionwewill learnhow to ask themandhow to extract greaterwisdomfrombothourselvesandfromthosearoundus.The Power of the Second Question invites you to lift up from the

practicalitiesofeveryday life toconsider thebiggerpicture.To thinkaboutwhoyouare,whatyouhavelearned,andwhereyouaregoing.

HowtousethisbookYou probably bought this book and intended to keep it clean and pristine.Youwill trynot tomark thepagesorbendthespine.Althoughyouwillbeasked towrite in thebookandcompleteexercisesyoumaywellholdback,reluctanttospoilthefreshnessofthebook.Thisishowweusuallytreatthebookswebuy.However, thisbook isn’t like that. It’sabook toengagewith, to interact

with and to scribble in.This isyourbook, andnotone tobe lightly shared

withothers.Itistheopportunityforyoutoreflectuponyourlife,andtopulltogetherkey insights aboutwhoyou are,whatyou stand for, andwhatyouvalueinthiswonderfulbusinessofbeingalive.This is aworkbook. I encourageyou to scrawl in it, to jotdown insights

and thoughtful ideas in themargins. Feel free to dog-ear special pages.Tojumparound in it andcomeback todifferent sections timeand timeagain.Thinkabout thequestionsthatappeal toyouorchallengeyou,makingtimeto reflect on them. The more you batter this book, the richer you willbecome.I once counselled a clientwhoworked in a book bindery.As a farewell

gift, shegavemeabeautifullybound leatherbookwithmynameetched ingold lettering down the spine. It was a fantastic gift which I treasured. Iinitiallyplannedtousemybeautifullyboundbooktowriteafactualhistoryofmylife,onepageperyear,butthetaskseemedtobetoooverwhelminglycomplextoknowquitewheretobegin.Somehowtheprojectlackedpassion,and it didn’t seem to capture the essence of who I was. It may have toldotherswhat I’ddone inmy life,but itwouldn’t tell themwhat I’d learned.OrwhatIvalued.Orwhatlifewasallaboutforme.Mybeautifulbook,sohighlyvalued,deservedsomethingbetter.Itneeded

morespark.IrealisedthatIwouldfarprefertouseittocollatemypersonalinsights, my treasured stories, and my favourite quotes into one specificplace.Ialsowantedtoaddphotos,newsclippings,andfavouritecartoons.Inshort, I wanted to create a personal statement that captured the essentialhighlights of my life, my personal learnings and the key ideas thatunderpinned my world view. The empty pages were to become the blankcanvas formypersonal reflections, and theywould eventually stand asmylegacyforotherstoenjoy.I suggest that you buy a book of empty pages for yourself. It could be

anythingfromasimpleschoolexercisebooktoaspecialleather-boundcopylikemine.Eitherway,getholdofabookthatisfullofblankpages.Thensetaside time to transcribe your insights, your simple truths and yourwisdomfromThePoweroftheSecondQuestion.Arrangethemasyouwish.Butfindways to capturewhoyouare,whatyou stand for andwhat life is all aboutfor you. Pull together all the wise words you have ever heard and all theinsights that you have gained. The lyrics of favourite songs, pictures ofpersonal significance, and cartoons that capture an issue perfectly for you.

Recordthecollectionofsimpletruthsthatspeakforyou.Itwillbecomeyourbook.Abookthatrepresentswhoyoutrulyare.

IntroductionWealllivefromdaytoday.Weeat,wesleepandweexercise,andthenwerepeat the pattern all over again. We laugh. We have fun. We get thingsdone. Sometimes, it’s good, sometimes it’s not so good.Butwe trudge onregardless,takingeachdayasitcomes.Asourlivesunfold,weallknow,deepdown,thatthereissomethingmore

tolife;adeeper,moreinsightfullevelofawarenessthatweneverquiteseemto have the time to access. Occasionally we might hear an intriguingcomment orwe suddenly realise something that seems quite profound, butthenwe push onwith the issues of the day, and the transient insight slipsquietlyaway.Howhardisitforustopauseandreflectaboutwhatreallymattersinour

lives?Wereallyoweit toourselvestostopandbemoreappreciativeoftheopportunitiesforinsight that lifehasprovided.Weneedtopause ...andweneedtoreflect.Whyisthissoimportant?Ourindividualbehaviourisgovernedlargelyby

unwritten rules about life that we learn along the way.We evolve generaltruthsabouthow theworld seems tooperateandweareguidedbya setofvaguely articulated personal values. We decide who to trust, and what tobelieve, and we shape our own definitions of success. We define whatconstitutes a personally fulfilling life andwe generate simple guidelines tohelpusachieveit.By doing this we accumulate a personal set of subjective truths that

underpinthewaythatweseetheworld.Thesetruthsarethecorebeliefsthatcometodefinewhoweare.Corebeliefsarecreatedbytakingaratherselectiveviewofhowtheworld

functions. When core beliefs clash between people, they are the primarydrivers of wars.When they align, they are the fundamental ingredients oflove.

DrFoster’sGoodQuestion

Several years ago Iwas visited by the father of a good friend ofmine.HeusedtobemyfamilydoctorwhenIwasachild,butitwasaretired,kindlyfigureinhislateeightieswhoapproachedme,leaningheavilyonawalkingstickandcuppingonehandbehindhiseartohearmespeak.On shaking my hand firmly, he fixed me with a steely eye and asked,

‘Chris,whathaveyoubeendoingsinceIsawyoulast?’‘Well,’ I replied proudly, ‘for the last 25 years I’ve been working as a

clinicalpsychologist.’‘GoodLord,’ he replied, ‘And over all that time,what have you learned

aboutpeople?’I was totally stumped for a reply! The daunting size of the question

completely overwhelmed me. In 25 years of clinical practice, I had neverstoppedtothinkaboutthis.NoonehadeveraskedmesuchaquestionbeforeandIhadneverstoppedtoaskthequestionofmyself.Awholerangeofuselesscommentssprangtomind,butessentiallyIwas

totally ill-equipped to offer Dr Foster any significant wisdom from myaccumulated experience. Despite many years of incredible conversationswithahugerangeofthoughtfulclients,IhadneverstoppedtodistilmykeyinsightsortocollectmybroaderthoughtsaboutwhatIhadlearned.DrFoster’sGoodQuestiongavemetheinitialimpetustowritethisbook.

Itwasthestartofathoughtful, integrativeperiodofmylifewhereIstartedtovaluethewisdomofmyexperience,andtouseitasapowerfulcompaniontomyknowledgeandformaltraining.Ialsorealisedthatgoodtherapyisnotreally about giving wise advice, but instead providing clients with theopportunitytofindtheirown‘simpletruths’,andtogainfundamentalshiftsinperspectivethathelpthemmoveforward.Inshort,myroleessentiallywastoaskthemgood,thought-provokingquestions.More importantly, I also realised thatwe don’t need to be in therapy to

reflect usefully upon our lives. For all of us, the habit of asking ourselvesgood,penetratingquestionsisanessentialpartoflivinglifewell.ThePoweroftheSecondQuestiongivesyoutheopportunitytodojustthat.

ThepowerofasecondquestionLet’s look more closely at the role of these expansive questions that can

elicit profound ‘aha’ moments. We call them ‘second questions’ becausethey usually follow on from a series of factual questions that simplyexchange information.Secondquestionsarequalitativelydifferent from themorefrequentlyaskedfactualquestions.Theyprovideanextradimensiontoa conversation. They lift us up. They open a door. They are usually bigpicture, conceptual questions that require the respondent to pause andconsiderbefore they reply.Theymakeus thinkmoreexpansively,oftenontopics that we haven’t previously considered, and they challenge us todeclareapersonalwisdom.

Practicalexamplesofsecondquestionsinaction

IntherapyClinical psychologists, psychotherapists and counsellors are all adept atusing good questions to elicit ‘aha’ moments. They are taught to create‘transformational’insightsintheirclientsinthisway.Asatherapist,youknowwhenyou’veaskedagoodquestioninatherapy

conversation. There’s a thoughtful pause from the client, a moment ofreflection, and possibly a deep sigh before they provide a simple, oftenprofound response. The answer often reveals a dramatic and fundamentalchange in theirworld view.Once they experience this change, possibilitiesopenuptoexplorenewwaysofthinkingandofovercomingproblems.Examplesofthesebroadinsightsmightbe:

I’mlookingback.Ineedtolookforward.I’mnotavictim,I’masurvivor.

In therapy, clients learn to reconceptualise their situation in a way thatempowers them and leads them forward. A new truth arrives thatdramatically transforms theirworldview. It usually arrives after abouthalfanhourofapparentlyidlechatandinresponsetoagoodquestion.

IncelebrityinterviewsWe can also see the power of a good question when watching celebrity

interviewson television.Afilmstarmightbebeing interviewedabout theirlatestmovie.Theymightbeaskedaboutwhatit’sliketoliveinHollywood.Orwhat it’s like toworkwith a certain petulant co-star.And then, almostwithoutfail,theinterviewerwillaskapowerfulsecondquestion.The conversationwill seem to shift gear.The interviewerwill pause and

collectthemselvesbeforeaskingsomethingmore‘bigpicture’orsomethingmore abstract. They will ask an overarching question that invites therespondent to share an insight and the question usually elicits a surprisingdegreeofwisdomfromtheinterviewee.Forexample,theymayask:‘Overall,whatdoyouthinkisthekeyquality

ofagoodactor?’Againwe see the pause, the sigh and themoment of reflection before a

simpletruthisrevealed.The reply might be that ‘It’s all about the ability to connect with the

audience,’ or ‘It’s all about being authentic, and truly believing in thecharacter.’Itwasthepowerofthesecondquestionthatdrewthewisdomfromthem.Differentactorswillanswerthequestiondifferently,butattheendofthe

day, they will each be offering their personal wisdom about the industry.They will be offering a subjective truth that tells us more about them aspeople.Andofgreaterinteresthere,wecanseethattheymaynotevenhavebeenawareoftheirwisdomuntiltheyspokeit.

IntheclassroomGood teachers do not simply teach facts; they also ask good questions.Telling childrenwhat the threemain functions of a river are is both usefuland informative, but asking them to think about what the three mainfunctionsofarivermightbewilladdsignificantlytotheprocess.Byaskinggoodquestions,thechildrenareencouragedtothinkcritically,encouragedto‘own’ their answers, and also to access internalised wisdom that theyperhapsdidn’tevenrealisetheyhad.Theiranswersarebasedonabroaderconsiderationoflifethansimplythe

topic inhand.Theyareobligedtopullupfromthedetailandtodrawupontheir experiences in life so far.They look forgeneral rulesdrawn from thewiderworld,andthenapplythemtoaspecificquestion.Theyareobligedto

lookwithinthemselvesfortheirpersonalwisdom.

InbusinessconsultingAlandscapegardeningconsultantrecentlyvisitedmydaughterLucyandherhusband to help plan a garden for their new home. Initially the consultantasked a series of practical questions about the garden, enquiring about thedimensions, soil type and gradient. Then she suddenly shifted gear. ‘Andwhat is the key image that you’re looking for in your garden?’ she asked.‘Howwouldyoudescribethegardenthatyouwanttoown?’The whole tone of the conversation had dramatically changed. She was

nowaskingthemsecondquestions.Theyweresuddenlyobligedtolookdeepwithinthemselvestofindtheanswers.They’dexpectedtobetoldhowitwasgoing be. Instead, they were being asked how they’d like it to be. Anenforced period of surprisingly thoughtful and empowering reflectionensued.

AskingsecondquestionsofyourselfForyoutobecomemoreawareofwhoyouareandwhatyoustandfor,thereneedstobeanopportunitytoreflectthoughtfullyonyourself.Thechallengeis to pull together all of your subjective wisdom into a simple frameworkthat highlights your key learnings and empowers you.Essentially, to knowyourselfbetter.Self-reflection is a naturally occurring phenomenon. It occurs when we

drive,whenwe lie in the bath or aswewait for a bus or an appointment.These enforcedmoments of ‘timeout’ in our busy lives providewonderfulopportunities to briefly reflect upon ourselves. We can pull up from thebusiness of responding to the immediate demands of the day and insteadconsiderthebiggerpicture.‘WhatamIdoing?’‘WhereamIgoing?’Andtoclarifywhat’sreallyimportanttous.The problem with these fleeting opportunities is that they are usually

interrupted by mundane events, and they rarely bring us to a satisfyingconclusionortoanuggety‘truth’.Unstructuredself-reflectiontendstobeanexercise in worrying away at an issue, rather like a dog with a bone. Ourmindsgoroundandroundwithoutbeing ledsystematically toaconcluding

insight. We indulge in the activity of reflection without achieving asatisfyingoutcome.Wetendtosimplydrift.Often our personal reflections are based on a current worry (financial,

healthorwork-related)andwesimplyruminateendlesslyaboutthefacts.Itis only when we discuss our worry with someone and have a structuredconversation that we can move on. Hopefully our confidante will ask usgood‘secondquestions’tohelpusstartthinking.Forexample,theaccountantmightaskuswhatourspendingprioritiesare,

thedoctormightaskuswhatweneed tochangeaboutour lives inorder toimproveourhealthandthebossmightaskuswhatwouldmakeourworklifemore rewarding.Thesequestions all lift up the conversation from theplainfactsandpromptbigpicturereflection,helpingyoucomeupwithanactionplanbasedonan‘aha’moment.The Power of the SecondQuestion will help you to start thinking about

yourownsecondquestions,andhowyoucanfindagreaterdepthandsenseoffulfilmentinlife.Notonlywillthisself-wisdomenrichyourownlife,butitwillalsohelpyouelicitwisdominthosearoundyou.Youcanlearnhowtoinvitechildren,partners,colleaguesandfriendstoaccesstheirownwisdom,andtobecomemorethoughtfulandself-aware.Ineffect,youwilllearnhowto lift up the level of conceptual awareness in others by inviting them toshareabroaderperspectivewithyou.Asking second questions of others is the absolute foundation of good

teaching,goodmentoringandgoodparenting. It is ahugely affirming skillthatcorrelateshighlywithmaturityandwisdom.DrFosteraskedmeapowerfulsecondquestionduringhisvisittome.He

obligedmetostopandtothinkconceptuallyaboutwhatIhadlearnedinmyprofessional life so far. He forced me to pause and to reflect on my keylearnings.Andwhenweareinvitedtoliftupourthinkinginthisway,weareessentially being shown a fascinating pathway towards increased self-awareness.It’sachallengingpath,butonethatiswellworthexploring.

ChapterOne

REFLECTION,WISDOMANDINSIGHT

ReflectionTheword‘reflection’meanstolookback,asifwearelookingintoamirrororseeingourreflectioninapoolofwater.Wearelookingatourselvesasiffrom the outside. We are observing ourselves with a degree of detachedcuriosity.Weareconductingabrief,objectivereviewofourlives.And sometimes when we look in the mirror, instead of just guiding the

razor or applying somemake-up,wemight catch ourselves in themoment.Westop,westareandwewonderjustwhois thatpersongazingsointentlybackatus?In our quietermoments we all tend to becomemore reflective, thinking

backoverthedayandponderingrecentevents.Usuallywearelookingbackandreviewingfacts,rememberingwhathashappenedandsortingtheeventsintoacoherentstory.Reflectionusuallyoccursduringthepausesinourlives,especiallyafteran

event has finished. Driving home from work, finishing reading a book orhavingaquietglassofwineattheendofthedayareallsituationswherewemightdriftintoidlethought.Whenwegiveourselvesamomenttostopdoing,wecanshiftintoamore

detached stateofbeing.Wecanbe reflective, andwecanpassivelydissecttheday.Themore ‘in themoment’weare, themore reflectivewebecome.Whetherwatchingasunsetorgazingintoanopenfire,wealltendtobecomemoreawareofthebiggerpictureinourlives.Welookformeaning,patternsorasenseofhigherpurpose.We can all find ways to deliberately schedule more opportunities for

reflection in our daily lives.We can keep a journal or diary, and choose abath rather than a shower. Taking a regular walk at the end of the day is

anothersimplewaytounwindandreflectonthebiggerpicture.Thehabitofpurposefulself-reflectionisaskillthatsetswisefolkapartfromtherest.

Holidays,funeralsandschoolreunions—timesforreflection

Therearemanyopportunitiesforustotakethetimeoutformoreseriousreflection.Thesearethetimeswhenwetaketheopportunitytostop,sitbackandconsiderthebiggerpicture.Theyaretimeswhenwearestruckby the broader sweep of our lives, and when we can access a deepersenseofpersonalawareness.On holiday, it often takes a few days for the practical, everyday

concerns to slip away and lose their significance. We stop texting orcheckingemails.Westopworryingaboutlistsof thingsthatwehavetodo.Instead,westarttoponderonthenatureoflife,ondistantmemoriesoronfuturedreams.Ourmindshavebecomeuntetheredandwetendtospeculatemorebroadlyonexpansiveissues.At funerals, we sit and we remember. In our grief we are lifted up

from everyday preoccupations and our thoughts range freely acrossbroader landscapes. We enter a spiritual realm. We hear wonderfullysuccinct insightsfromspeakersaboutaspectsof thedeceasedandaboutthemeaningoflife.Moreimportantly,foreveryoneattheservice,thisisalsoanopportunitytoreflectatapersonallevel.Itisanotheropportunityforbig-picturethinking.Finally, at school reunions,we usually find ourselves cringing at the

effects of advancing age on our peer group. We trade competitiveanecdotesandfacts,andweseewho’sdonewellinlifeandwho’sfallenby the wayside. But behind the tittle-tattle of awkward interchanges,there lies opportunity. Firstly, it’s a great opportunity to ask secondquestionsofeachother.Butmoreimportantly,onthewayhome,it’saneven greater opportunity to reflect personally on the grander sweep ofourlives—andtoasksecondquestionsofourselves.

Reflectionisawayofaccessingasenseofwisdominlife.Ifwedon’tstopto reflect, then we simply trundle through the events that we experiencewithout pause for thought,without assimilatingwhatwe have learned.Weare little better than sheep, grazing with their noses firmly pressed to thegroundfortheentiredurationoftheirlife.Andwhentheylookupfromthegrass,theyaresimplylookingformoregrass.There are naturally occurringmoments of enforced big-picture reflection

in life, usually following adversity when life comes to a crashing halt.Painful loss inevitably brings the burden of grief and a renewed search forpurposeandmeaninginlife.Intheeeriecalmfollowingatragedy,weoftenexperienceprofound insights aboutwhat is really important tous andwhatwetrulyvalue.Theselife-changinginsightsalsooccurduringthoseexhilaratingmoments

ofjoy,whentimeseemstostandstill.Atthebirthofachildorwhenweseethe tail fluke of a divingwhale against a picture-perfect sunset,we simplygazeinaweattherichnessoflife.Wefeelthatweareintouchmomentarilywithsomethingprofound.Wesensethattheremustbesomekindofinherentmessageintheexperiencethatconnectsustoafundamentaltruthinlife.Wemustgrasptheseopportunitieswithbothhandswhenevertheyoccur.

Wisdom—morethanjustknowledgeWeliveinaworldthatsetsapremiumoninformation.It’saworldoffactsand figures. We learn facts from our parents, from TV and from ourschooling through to university.Themore that you know, the cleverer youseem.It’saworldthatrarelyseekstheintegrativeoverview.Thesedayssociety

seemshell-bentondumbingusdowntoaworldofsuperficialfacts.Itistheexception rather than the rule when we are presented with a conceptualanalysisofaproblem.Weliveinaworldwherethemediaprefer tosimplydetail factual events, rather than to provide a contextual overview.We areservedadietoffactsratherthanconcepts;informationratherthanideas.However,justknowingfactsisonlyapartofthestory.Aswedevelopin

our various roleswe accumulate additionalwisdom throughour experienceof life. This wisdom through experience cannot be taught; it cannot beformallylearned.

Einstein once suggested that ‘Learning is experience. Everything else isjustinformation’.Inthisway,wisdomcanbeseenasthetrueknowledgethatisgainedthroughexperience.Healsosaid,‘WhenIexaminemyselfandmymethodsofthought,Icome

to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than anytalentforabstract,positivethinking.Itwastheabilitytoask“Whatif?”’In this way Einstein shows us that imagination and speculation beat

factualknowledgeeverytimeinthequestforgenuinewisdom.Wisdom is usually associated with increasing age, but we all carry a

uniquepersonalwisdomregardlessofourpracticalknowledgeor lifestage.Maturity does not necessarily equate with years of experience, but moreoften with time spent in thoughtful reflection. We often speak of youngpeoplecarryingawisdombeyondtheiryears.Inmanyways, theessenceof thisbook is for each reader toaccess their

own wisdom, and to achieve greater clarity about how the world operatesthroughtheirownexperience.Howeverbrief,howeverlimited,andhowevertediousour livesmight seem tous,wewill all havehad theopportunity tolearnsomeprofoundlessonsalongtheway.Wehavenotjustexperiencedlife–wehaveunderstoodlife.Conventional champions of wisdom include philosophers such as Plato,

Socrates, Sophia and Confucius. Socrates is famously quoted by Plato assaying that ‘theunexamined life isnotworth living’,whileanotherpopularquotefromancientGreece(oftenattributedtoSocrates)istheexhortationto‘knowthyself’.Bothofthesecommentsemphasisethecentralrolethatself-awarenesshastoplayindevelopingyourpersonalwisdom.Philosophers tend todistil theirwisdomfromoneof twoapproaches; the

contemplativeandtheprudentialtraditions.Contemplative traditions, as used frequently by monks and nuns on

retreat,emphasisereflectionandmeditationasthepathwaytoenlightenment.Conversely, prudential traditions emphasise the philosophical processes oflogicthathelpusarriveataconsideredopinion.Weareaskedto‘think’ourwaytoasimpletruththroughdeductivereasoning.Thebookthatyouarenowholdingsitsfirmlyinthecontemplativecorner

ofphilosophicaltradition.Discoveringourpersonalwisdomdoesnotrequireus to train in logical analysis or metaphysical reasoning. We are simply

requiredtoreflectquietlyandtoallowtheinsights tofalloutof thesilencethat we have created for ourselves. A series of gentle second questions,askedquietlyofourselves,shouldbeallthatweneedtofindwisdom.Finally, it should also be noted that there is much to be learned from

spiritual guides, and from classic texts such as the Bible, the Qur’an, orscripts drawn from Taoist or Buddhist traditions. Spiritual enlightenmentcontinues to be the most common pathway that people use when formallyseeking big picturewisdom.Here,many second questions are asked in thesearchforpurposeandmeaninginourlives.The wisdom that we seek in this way extends far beyond simple

knowledge. It represents aprofound senseofpersonal fulfilment.Wedon’tjustknowthingsaboutlife–weunderstandthingsaboutlife.

InsightInsight can be defined as a sudden understanding or a newperception of acomplexsituation. It involvesaparadigmshift fromold think tonewthink.We have all experienced moments of insight when, as a child, we‘understood’how to rideabikeorhow to standuporhow to say ‘Mama’.These‘aha’momentsusuallyserveasmarkersofsignificantdevelopmentalmilestonesinourlives.Somethinghaschangedandwearethewiserforit.Wisdom often comes to us in specific moments of insight when we

suddenly realise a new simple truth that helps usmake sense of theworld.Wegainadeeperunderstandingof lifeasa result.A‘lightbulb’comesonandwearebathedintheilluminatingmoment.There are many classic references to important, insightful moments in

history.Forexample:

WhentheFlatEarthSocietyrealisedthattheworldwasround.WhenStPaulwasblindedontheroadtoDamascus.WhenArchimedesshouted‘Eureka’inthebath.

These are all well-documented occasions when light-bulb momentsoccured.When‘thepennydropped’andwhenfundamentalshiftsinthinkingoccurred. These are the times when certain individuals realised somethingprofoundabouttheworldand‘newtruths’wereestablishedforthebenefitof

usall.WhenwewatchadetectivethrilleronTV,weoftenfindthat,towardsthe

end, we suddenly realise that it wasn’t the butler, but it was the gardenerwhokilledthemaid.Allourpreviousassumptionsaboutwhowastellingthetruth are suddenly thrown into doubt.Alongwith the investigating officer,wesurgealongonanexcitablewaveofenergybornof the ‘aha’.Withournew assumptions and core beliefswe see theworldmore clearly and it allmakesgreatersense.Similarly, whenwe have a problem to solve, we strugglewith the issue

beforeasuddenrealisationcomestous.Wecanseeawayforward.Wehavean‘aha’.Whetherwearetryingtoworkoutwhythecarwon’tstartorhowtheDVDplayeroperates,weallexperienceamini‘aha’momentaswefindthe solution. Even rememberingwhere you left yourmobile phone usuallyinvolvesatriumphant‘aha’.Thesemomentsofsuddeninsightareoftenexquisite.Theyare theglitter

andsparklethatlightupourlivesanddrivethecentralthemeofthisbook.‘Aha’momentsareoftendelightful,almostmagicalexperiences.Theyare

alwaystheproductofahealthycuriosity,whenanindividualbotherstoaskthemselves clever questions in a search for a fresh perspective on theirworld.Theseexpansivequestionsopennewdoorsforusandas thesedoorsreveal new vistas and insights, we can only gasp a knowing ‘aha’ inresponse.Think of the excitable energy that accompanies parlour games such as

charades or twenty questions.A small gathering of close family or friendswill delight in collectivelyworking itsway towards a dawning realisation.Theirprogressisrarelylinear.Moreoftenthannot,aftermanyfalsestarts,agood question will suddenly elicit a collective ‘aha’ and everyone racesjoyouslytotheunveilingoftheanswer.Findinginsightisalwayssatisfying.Itisassociatedwithaproudsenseof

achievement and of learning something new. It is not possible to have thatflashofexcitementwithoutfeelingenergisedandaffirmed.Thisfeelingcanmake ‘aha’ experiences extremely addictive. We are drawn to theintoxicating‘high’ofthefinalreveal.

Rememberingapersonal‘aha’momentThinkback to a timewhenyouexperiencedamajor realisation inyourlife.Atimewhenyouhadatransformationalshiftfromfeelingstucktoexperiencing a surge of energy that propelled you forward. Perhaps itwasatimewhenyoudecidedtoresignfromajoborwhenyousuddenlyrealised that you were free to make your own decisions. Describe itbrieflybelow:

Sit back and remember that feeling of lightness associated with thechange.Wasitasenseofrelieftingedwithexcitement?Thefeelingthatsomehow you had opened a new door and that you now had a deeperunderstandingofwhoyouwereandwhatlifewasallabout.

In his recent e-book,The Brain and Emotional Intelligence: New Insights,

Daniel Goleman gives a fascinating account of the neurophysiology of an‘aha’moment.Ifyoumeasurebrainwavesduringacreativemoment,itturnsout that there is intense gamma activity before the answer comes to us.Gamma activity indicates the binding together of neurons as a newassociation emerges. Immediately after that gamma spike, the new ideaentersourconsciousness.This heightened activity during an insight focuses on the right temporal

region.Thisisthesameareaofthebrainthatinterpretsmetaphorand‘gets’jokes. It understands ‘the language of poems, of art, and ofmyth’. It’s theplatformfordreams,whereanythinggoesandtheimpossibleseemspossible.Thebestway tomobilise thisactivity is to firstconcentrate intentlyona

problemand then relax. If you try to force an insight, asweall know,youwillusuallystifletheopportunityforacreativebreakthrough.Lettinggo is characterisedbyahighalpha rhythm,which signalsmental

relaxation, a state of openness, of daydreaming and drifting, where we’remore receptive to new ideas. This sets the stage for the novel connectionsthatoccurduringthegammaspike.And when that moment of creativity occurs, we invariably experience a

physical sensationofpleasure.Wehaveourmomentof joy andan ecstaticrelease.Gammaspikesarefun!Theycostnothingandtheybringawelcomevitalityintoourlives.

ThesparkthatdrivescreativityElaine was the intelligent, personable director of a large academicprogram.During a particularly thought-provoking coaching session,wediscussedanumberofpotentialcoachinggoalstobuildgreatercreativityintoherleadershiprole.AftersomethoughtfuldiscussionElainedecidedthatsheneededto:

•makemorespaceforcreativityinherwork•valueandnoticethepowerofcreativity•seekoutmorecreativeopportunitiesinherdailyroutines.Withadeepsigh,Elainetoldmethatcreativitywasthekeyfactorthat

inspired her in life. She needed to nurture and enhance its role in theotherwisetediouslistofrolesandresponsibilitiesthatsheheld.

AndjustwhenIthoughtthatwehadreachedasatisfyingconclusiontoourdiscussion,Elainewentontoaddonefurtherrealisation:‘It seems to me that the spark behind all creativity is that magical

momentof insight.Thatmomentwhenyou suddenly leap toanexcitingnewperspectiveonthefamiliar.Ijustlovethatfeeling!’Elainewasidentifyingadrivingforcebehindherloveofherwork,and

of life itself. She carried an unrelenting curiosity and search for newmeaning that brought energy and vitality to her life. It was a perfectsummaryoftheaddedjoythat‘aha’momentscanbringtoourlives.

‘Aha’momentsarethekeytotheevolutionofourcivilisation.Justwhenwethink that theworld has plateaued and that things are settled, along comesanother ‘aha’orbrightspark tohelpus jumpforward.The inventionof thewheel, of the internet, and the splitting of the atom inevitably involved apersonal‘aha’momentforsomeonethatpropelledusallcollectivelyforwardtowardsthenextevolutionaryphase.Inventions occurwhen someone is not satisfiedwith how things are and

askshowthingscouldbebetter.Thisishowtechnologicalevolutionoccursand how social change comes about. One person asks a good question,experiencesan‘aha’,andthensharesitwiththeworld.

MyfivegreatestinsightsInsights are snappy, succinct one-liners that make immediate sense toyou.Theyremindyouofapersonaltruthinaconciseandpowerfulway.Theyareinherentlywise.Writedownasmany simpleone-line insights that you can remember

havingaboutlife.Forexample,youmayhavesuddenlyrealisedthat‘themorethatIgive, themoreIreceive’.Or that‘courageandfeargohandinhand’.These one-liners might not come to you immediately, but you can

alwayscomeback toyour list and jotdown ideasasyoumove throughthisbook.Recordyourfivefavouriteone-linersbelow:1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Insights are true nuggets of wisdom. They resonate strongly with yourcore values and beliefs, and provide wonderful foundation stones forconstructingacoherentworldview.

Summary

The modern world keeps us hooked on a diet of factual information,providingfewinvitationsforustoreflectuponthebiggerpicture.Lifeisfastandwearenotencouragedtostopandreflectonourexperiences.Wearealltoobusydoingpracticalthingstocontemplatemoreexpansiveideas.Increasingly, our social communication is pitched at the level of facts

rather than ideas.We ask each other about the kids, aboutwork and aboutrecent events, butwe rarely lift up conversations to considermore abstractideasandconcepts.Andworse,werarelybothertopauseandaskourselveswhat we’ve learned about life so far, or to notice how ‘wise’ we havebecomeinourrelativelybrieftimeontheplanet.Everyone can reflect. Everyone can be wise. And everyone can have

insights. It’s actually a very simple formula to experience all this, but itrequiresustousepersonalinitiativetodoso.Ifwemakethetimetoreflectand ask challenging questions of ourselves, thenmore than likelywe shallfindsatisfyinganswers.Increasedpersonalwisdombecomesourreward.

ChapterTwo

TECHNIQUESFORTRADINGWISDOM

WhenwethinkbacktoDrFoster’sGoodQuestion(Whathaveyoulearnedabout people?) we have the starting point for a wide range of usefulquestionstoask.Wearemovingfromaskingspecificfactualquestionsaboutdetails, to asking for an ‘executive summary’ or an overview. We arechanginggear.Secondquestionsaredesignedtoelicitabstractideas.Theyareconceptual

bynatureandtheyseemexpansive.Butratherthaninvitingtherespondenttotalkatlengthonawiderangeoftopics,theyinsteadrequirethemtocomeupwith a simple, almost factual summary statement.And for this reason theytendtodistiltheiranswersdowntoessentialtake-home‘truths’.

SocraticquestioningSocrates was a very wise man; perhaps one of the wisest men who everlived.Buthisgreatestcontribution tophilosophywasnothisknowledgeassuch;ratheritwashisabilitytoaskgoodquestionsofothers.People would travel great distances to sit at his feet. They would come

withquestionsorissuesthattheyneededtobeaddressed.Buttheywouldnotreceive advice or answers to their questions. Instead, Socrateswould replybyaskingagoodquestionofhisown.Hewouldaskaquestionthatelicitedaninsightfromthequestioner.Essentially,hewasinvitingthepersontofindtheanswertotheirownquestion.Byaskingathought-provokingquestion,Socrateswaseffectivelyholding

upamirror.Byaskingalogicalseriesofquestions,hewouldleadpeopletofind theirown‘aha’momentor insightabout thewayforward.Theywouldbediscoveringwisdomwithinthemselvesofwhichtheyhadbeenpreviouslyunaware.ThiswasSocrates’greatestgift.

Thesedays,Socraticquestioningisaverypopularmentoringstyle,foundwidelyacrossallsectorsofsociety.Oftenithappensnaturally,forexample,when interacting with children. Sometimes it needs to be a little moredeliberate and structured, such as when teaching teenagers to consider therisksofcertainsociallyexcitingopportunities.Itisfarbettertoaskwhattherisksareiftheystayoutlate,ratherthantosimplylistthedangersforthem.During a formal de-briefing after a sporting event, a coach might ask

players, ‘And what have you learned from the game this afternoon?’Emergency serviceswill also de-brief in a similarway after a callout. Theteamleaderwillelicitacriticalreviewbyaskingtheteamwhattheythoughttheydidwell,whatcouldhavegonebetterandwhatelsetheymighttrynexttime.Theteamwillbedoingall the thinking.Theleader issimplyelicitingtheideasfromthembyaskinggoodquestions.Thisprocessofinducingwisdominothersthroughaskinggoodquestions

hasnowbecomethecornerstoneofmanyprofessionalinteractions.Socratic questioning is obviously a very common method in teaching.

Insteadoftellingschoolchildrenaboutsomeaspectoflife,ateacherwillaskthem. If they struggle to find a reply, then a series of supplementaryquestionswillgraduallyguidethemtofindtheanswer.In thisway schoolchildren are led to find their ownanswers,which they

subsequentlyembraceastheirown.Theyalsolearntothinkcriticallyalongtheway.Teachers are encouraged to ask questions in a progressive series that lift

up students’ replies from the level of simple knowledge, to explorecomprehensionasahigherformoflearningoutcome.Eachoftheselevelsofquestioning will induce a greater sense of wisdom in the student, as theysearch to find the answerswithin themselves rather than simply reiteratinglearnedfacts.ClinicalpsychologistswillalsouseSocraticquestioningtosystematically

uncover a client’s distressing pattern of thought. Theywill ask a series of‘why’ questions until a key ‘underlying assumption’ is reached thatunderpins thenegative thinking.The idea is that awhole rangeofnegativethoughts emanates from a core dysfunctional belief that feels true to theclient,butisnothelpfultothem.Byholdingupamirrortoinvitereflection,thepsychologist inducesa transformational‘aha’momentfor theclientandnewinsightisgained.

Alltherapytechniquescanbeseenasattemptstoinduceanew‘wisdom’for theclient. Invariably,byaskingchallengingquestions,wewillpromotethoughtful reflection with a consequent realisation that things could bedifferent.Anexternalbusinessconsultantwilluseaverysimilarquestioningprocess

to induce change. The consultant will usually know very little about thecompany’s business, butwill be skilled at asking the right questions.Theywillalmostdeliberatelyadoptthepositionofanaiveenquirer.Theprocess is thesame,but the language is intriguinglydifferent.While

psychologists like to conceptualise their questions as leading their client‘downwards’towardsanunderlyingcoreinsight,businessconsultantspreferthenotionof‘liftingup’theanalysistoaconceptualoverview.Theytalkof‘helicopter views’ and ‘blue skies’ visioning. They like to see over thehorizon and, in general, use far more expansive metaphors in their work.Theytalkaboutsteppingbackandworking‘on’thebusinessratherthan‘in’thebusiness.Theywillaskquestionssuchas:

Ifwecouldlookdownonyourbusinessfromonhigh,whatwouldwesee?Ifwecouldfastforwardtofiveyearsfromnow,wherewouldwebe?Ifwecoulddreamofaperfectworld,whatwouldyourbusinesslooklike?

The core technique is to ask good questions that provoke insight andwisdom,rather thantogivegoodadvice.This is theessenceof theSocraticmethod.

DeliveringwisdomtothefarmgateMurray was a salesman/farm advisor who travelled around rural areasreviewing farming practices with local farmers. As they leaned on thegate theywould talkabout allmannerof things,butmostly facts.Theywould discuss stock prices, legislative change and the weather.Essentially,Murraywastheretomakeasale,buthewasbored.SomehowMurray needed to lift up the level of conversation for his

worktobecomemorestimulatingandlessrepetitive.Hewantedtoknowwhat really motivated and inspired his clients. We decided that all hereallyneededtodowastoask!

•Whatmakesfarmingsuchafulfillingroleforyou?•Whyareyousopassionateaboutfarming?•What’sthemostinspiringthingthat’shappenedsincewelastmet?•Whatdoyouthinkisthekeyattributeofagoodfarmer?ThelistofMurray’ssecondquestionswentonandon.Liftingupfrom

thefactsandwheelingaroundsomebig-picturetopicsgavesignificantlymoregrunt to the conversations.The senseof connectionwas stronger,and the genuine interest in his customers’ replies gave a greaterauthenticity to Murray’s visits. Suddenly both parties were lookingforward to the next visit. Murray was no longer just selling farmproducts,hewastradingideas.

Kolb’sLearningCycleIn recent years it has become very popular to conceptualise a series ofreflective questions as a cycle. These are sometimes called learningconversations andarebasedona simplemodel initiallyproposedbyDavidKolb in 1984. The cycle describes the basic technique for trading wisdomand extractingwise ‘ahas’ from others.When applied as a process of self-reflection,itbecomesapowerfultechniquefordiscoveringpersonalinsights.Kolbproposed thatexperiential learningcanbeconceptualised ina four-

stage learning cycle as outlinedbelow. Initially drawn froman educationalsetting, it has beenwidely applied to a huge rangeof clinical andbusinessdevelopmentprocesses.Thelearningprocessinvolvesmovingaroundthecircleaskingaseriesof

deliberate questions, usually starting at the concrete experience stage. Thisinvolves the teacher/mentor/therapist or supervisor asking for a factualaccountofwhathappened.Itmightconcernaspecificproblemoratroublingthemeinlife.

KOLB’SLEARNINGCYCLE

Once this hasbeen clearly andobjectivelydescribed,wemoveon to thereflectiveobservationstage.Here,wereflectonthecontextoftheeventandthemeaningorfunctionthatitmighthaveinourlives.We then move on to the abstract conceptualisation stage, where we

extract the simple truths or nuggety learnings that help us carry forward agenerically useful insight. This is the stage where the powerful secondquestionsareaskedandgenuinewisdomisinduced.Finally we move to the active experimentation stage where the new

conceptualisationistestedoutintherealworld.Thisusuallytakestheformofa‘homework’exercise.Ateachstageofthislogicalprocess,structuredquestionsareusedtocarry

the student/client/supervisee around the circle. Once completed, the cyclestartsagain.Examplesofgoodquestionsateachstageofthecycleinclude:

Concreteexperience:Whathappened?Whowasinvolved?Reflectiveobservation:Whatisthepattern?Whatwerethetriggers?Abstractconceptualisation:Whatcanyoulearnfromallthis?Whatdoesitmeanforyou?Activeexperimentation:Howcanyoutestoutyournewidea?

It is critically important to note that this cycle is driven by a series ofquestions, and by the questions alone. Under no circumstances should thementorbreak rankand ‘giveadvice’ to thesupervisee.Althoughat times itmightseemfrustratingintheextremetoletpeoplecomeslowlytotheirownanswers when the answer seems obvious to the questioner, wemust neverbecomeprescriptive.Althoughitoftenseemsquickertojusttellotherswhatto do and jump to suggesting an answer, it steals the moment for self-discovery.Kolb’s Learning Cycle provides a great structure to drive the Socratic

method described earlier. We move from asking factual questions (Whathappened?)toaseriesofsecondquestions(Howdoesthisfitintoyourlife?What does it mean?), and then finally we ask a very practical type ofquestionagain(Whatwillyoudo?).When we are trying to put structure into our own self-reflection, we

shoulduse thisprocess tohelpuscome toan insightfulconclusion.All toooftenwhenweindulgeinreflection,wesimplyruminateendlesslyaboutthefactualevent.Wedriftoffintounstructuredandvacuous‘ifonlys’or‘whatifs’,butneverseemtoextractthecoreinsights.Nordoweevolveapracticalplanformovingforward.Youcanusethepanelbelowtoaddressasimpleprobleminyourownlife

byusingthelearningcycle:

UsingKolb’sLearningCycletoguideyourself-reflectionThink about a simple problematic event that has occurred recently inyourlife.Oritcouldbearecurrentissuethatistroublingyou.•Whatistheproblem?

•Whatisthewiderissue?

•Whatisthekeylearninginthisforyou?

•Whatcanyoudodifferentlynexttime?

Notice how the series of structured questions leads you to both apersonalinsight(akeylearning)andapracticalplanforchange.

Reasoning—deductiveandinductiveTherearetwotypesofreasoningprocesses,andtheybothrequireustoaskaprogressiveseriesofquestions.Deductivereasoningobligesustoworklogicallythroughaseriesofsteps

towardsaninevitableendpoint,seekingtoarriveathardfactsorknowledge.Wisdom,especiallyprudentialwisdom(seeChapterOne)canbefoundusingdeductive reasoning.We can use deductive reasoning to analyse the eventsin our lives and to extract a broadly applicable conclusion. An example

mightbe:‘EverytimeIsitnearacatIgetitchy.ThereforeImustbeallergictocats.’In contrast, inductive reasoning requires us tomake a series of intuitive

leaps, asking speculative second questions that take us towards aworld ofpossibility.Itcanleadustothemostbrilliantofinsightsandideas,butitcanalso trip us up. We are using hypothesis and speculation to discover newpossibilities,butourinsightsarefarmorelikelytobeflawed.Forexample,we might think, ‘If I get in to work earlier, then I will be able to leaveearlier.’We reason that the earlierwe start, the earlierwewill finish.Thismayormaynotbetrue!Second questions can be used as part of both deductive and inductive

processes. They can pull in new information from left field to assist in adeductive train of thought, butmore often theywill be seen as an integralpartofanintuitiveleapforwards.Weatherforecastsareclassicexamplesofinductive reasoning, where the forecasters review all of the available factsandmakeboldpredictionsbasedonthem.Theywillhaveaskedthemselvesaseries of thought-provokingquestions basedon the patterns and trends thatthey see.They seemauthoritativeandwise,but sometimes it canappear tobejustguesswork.Infact,guessing issimplyanextremeexampleofdesperatelyspeculative

inductivereasoning,whereweattempttopredictoutcomesbasedonlittleornovalidinformation.Faultyinductivereasoningisrifeinbothcasinosandattheraces.Itisalso

rifeamongspeculatorson thesharemarket,which just showshowstronglywe can hold to the apparent validity of a firm belief in defiance of logic.Thereisafinelinebetweenawisepersonandafool!When inductive reasoning goeswell, however,wonderful things happen.

DetectivesmakespectacularleapstosolvecrimesandtradersonWallStreetcorrectly anticipate share price fluctuations. They cannot know what willhappen,buttheydoknowwhathashappenedandtheycanmakeconnectionsbasedontheirexperience.Theyseemwiseandweadmirethemforit.Inductivereasoningrequiresustocreateageneraltruthtohelpguideour

logic.Ithastobeabestfitassumption,andwewillneverknowforsurethatitistrue.However,itopensthedoortopotentialsolutions,anditfreesusupfromthefacts.Todothis,weneedtobecomemoreawareofthegeneralrulesandthemes

onwhichwebaseourleapsoffaith.It’snot justa‘gutfeeling’or intuitionthatdrivesus.Thereareunderlyingassumptionsthatdriveourdecisions.Tomanage ourselves well in uncertain situations we need to know what webelievein.Attimeslikethese,factsarenotenough.

IntuitivethinkingIntuitive thinking is best described as part of the Myers–Briggs TypeIndicator(MBTI),oneofthemostpopularpersonalityassessmenttoolsthatis currently available. Initially designed by Isabel Briggs Myers and hermotherKatharineBriggs,itisbasedonaJungianmodelofpersonalitytype.It has spawnedmanyvariants, but essentially it identifies four dichotomiesthat define personality type: Introversion/Extraversion, Intuitive/Sensing,Thinking/Feeling,andPerceiving/Judging.It is not the purpose of this book to launch into a major review of the

Myers–Briggs theory, but it is of great interest here for us to consider justone of the four dichotomies: the intuitive world view versus the sensingworldview.Thisdichotomyhighlightstheroleofbig-picturethinkinginlife,incontrasttoafocusonpracticaldetails.Sensing typessee theworldas it is.Theyprefer todeal in factsand they

use their five senses to sift information. They focus on backgroundknowledgeandtradition.Theyareverypracticalpeople.Conversely, intuitive types see futurepossibilities and ideas.Theyprefer

tolookaheadandseeconnectionsbetweenthings.Theyuseasixthsensetoaccess what is not actually present andwill follow a hunch in search of asolution.Theyinhabitthebig-pictureworldofideasandconcepts.Intuitive types with a passion for ‘things’ will be drawn to conceptual

ideaswhich use logic to think outside the square. Intuitive typeswho love‘feelings’will be drawn to inspiration and expansive visions.The commontheme is that all intuitive types look beyond the present facts and practicalchallenges,andseesomethingcompellingaheadofthem.Sensing types can see intuitive types aswistful dreamers,while intuitive

typesseesensingtypesaspedanticanddull.Inreality,weallneedabalanceofboth,regardlessofapersonaltendencytowardsonestyleortheother.Thegoalofthisbookisverymuchtoencourageintuitivethinking,inthatinsightand‘aha’momentsonlyreallyoccurwhenweareinthisspace.

The MBTI offers a number of practical techniques for encouragingintuition:

Startlookingfor‘patterns’andconnectionsbetweenevents.Encourage‘flightsofideas’.Askyourselfwhatsomethingremindsyouof.Askmorequestionsbeginningwith‘if’.Playwordassociationgames.Encouragefantasyanddaydreams.Usemetaphor.Exploreyourcreativity.Speculatemoreaboutfuturepossibilities.Makedecisionsbasedon‘gutfeelings’ratherthanlogic.Encourageyourimagination.Developaninterestinabstractartandpoetry.

Alloftheabovesuggestionscaneasilybetranslatedintosecondquestionssuchas:

Whatisyourgutfeelingaboutthis?Ifthebarrierstochangecamedown,howdoyouimagineyourworldwouldlook?Whatisthepatternhere?Whatdoesthisremindyouof?

Intuitive thinkers love problem solving. They love to gnaw away atconceptual issues.They likechange,surpriseand innovation.They love the‘aha’momentsthatcomefrommakingintuitiveleaps.

AbstractversusconcretethinkingAll thinkingcanbedivided into two types: abstract andconcrete.Concretethinkers live in the objective world of practical facts and tangible things.Abstractthinkersuseconceptsratherthanfactsandgeneraliseawayfromtheinformationinfrontofthemtoconsiderbroaderprinciplesandideas.Most planning or design work involves abstract thought. We ask ‘what

mightbe?’But thenthe implementationoractualcreationrequiresconcretethinking skills. This is the essential difference between builders and

architectsintheircomplementaryapproachestobuildingahouse.Whenwe reflectuponour livesandwhoweare, it isuseful toadopt the

perspectiveofabig-pictureplannerordesignerandaskthekindofquestionsthattheymightask.‘WhoamI?’doesnotrequiretheanswerof‘A40-year-oldCaucasianmotheroftwo’.Instead,thequestionneedstoliftusupfromsimplefactstofindamoreabstractandtellingdefinition.‘Iamadeterminedcampaignerforsocialjustice’or‘Iamtheheartofmyfamily’areexamplesofsimplepersonalstatementsthatpeoplehavesharedwithmerecently.Bothdescriptions involve abstraction from facts and both give strong messagesaboutpersonalvalues.Abstract concepts are the cornerstone of the creative arts. Abstract art

typically requires the observer to ‘see’ things beyond the canvas. We areinvitedtoabstractourownmeaningfromthework.Weare lookingoutsidethesquareandarethinkingmoreexpansivelyaboutwhatwesee.It’sagreatplacetofindinsight.Similarly,weareoftentoldthat‘it’snotwhat’sonthelines,butbetween

the lines’ that is important inawrittenmessage.Don’t take themessageatfacevalue.Oftenit’snotwhatissaidbutwhatisnotsaidthatisthecrucialinformation.For example, the most evocative aspects of great movies are the scenes

that fade to grey, leaving us to use our imagination to come up with anending based on what has gone before. Conversely, movies that leavenothing to the imagination are not quite the exquisite experience that wemighthopefor.Therealjoyofwatchingamovieistoletourmindsdrift;toabstract ourselves from the immediate story and let the ideas and themesresonatewithaspectsofourownlives.

BuilderswhocandreamThere is a well-known story about three men all building with bricks.Thefirstmanwasaskedwhathewasdoingandhegrumpilysaidthathewascarryingbricks.Thesecondmansaid,inatiredsortofway,thathewas building awall. Finally, the thirdman replied enthusiastically thathewas building a fantastic cathedral; themost beautiful that theworldhadeverseen.Sometimesweneedtoliftupourheadsalittlefromthehereandnow

in order to find true fulfilment in life. Sometimes it helps for us to seethebiggerpicture.

SummaryWehavelookedatseveralkeytechniquesfortradingwisdom.Byholdingupthe mirror we can use general Socratic questioning techniques to promptself-reflectionandtoelicitinspirational‘aha’moments.Kolb’s Learning Cycle builds on this and gives us a very practical

frameworkforstructuring theprocess.Wemovefrominitial fact finding tosubsequent big-picture questions that ask about context and meaning. Bycapturing the inherent lessons in our answerswe can dramatically increaseourself-awarenessandourworldlywisdom.We have seen how second questions tend to be asked as part of an

inductive reasoning process. They invite us to think in abstract conceptsratherthanconcretefactsandarepreferredbythosewhothinkintuitively.We can all learn how to embrace these techniques and to celebrate the

powerofbig-pictureconceptual thinking.Wecan learn topull togetherourkey learnings from thepast in thiswayandwecanalso allowourselves tovisualise the futurewith confidence.As a result of thiswewill seemmorethansimplyknowledgeable;wewillalsoseemwise.

ChapterThree

GOODQUESTIONSTOASKIn the previous chapterwe considered a number of techniques for eliciting‘aha’moments by asking good questions, both of ourselves and of others.We now need to find a simple way of organising and cataloguing thesequestionsintousableforms.Justwhatdothesequestionslooklikeandhowdotheysound?Inthischapterwewillconsiderarangeofgoodquestionstoask,arranged

according to their structure. But before we do, consider the followingexercise. It invites you to take some time to look and listen to the worldaroundyou,andtonoticethesecondquestionsthatyouhear.

AbriefsurveyofsecondquestionsinyourownworldSetaside10to15minutesofyourtimetolistenforsecondquestionsinyour own world. Take a notepad and record any examples of secondquestionsfromradio,TVorinconversationsbetweenfriends,familyorcolleagues.Ifyouwish,sitinacaféandlistenoutforthem.Listen for moments when the respondent has to pause, reflect and

summarisetheirreplywithanuggetytruth.

Inreviewing thefrequencyofsecondquestions inyoursocialworld,youmaybesurprisedatyourfindings.Youmayfindthatyouareswimminginarich sea of clever questions. Conversely, you may find that everyone isplodding along in a conceptual desert, devoid of insights and higher orderthinking. Either way, you will have become more aware of your socialenvironment and theopportunities that arise to thinkmore expansively andopenupconversationstoadifferentlevel.

DrFostergoesto(thesuper)marketHenry had beenworking as a checkout operator in a local supermarketafterschool.Beingateenageboyhewasgenerallyreluctanttoshareanynewsabouthisday.Aswedrove to schoolonemorning Idecided toaskhimDrFoster’s

Good Question verbatim. It seemed certain to open up an interestingdialogue.‘Henry, in the six months that you have been working at the

supermarketcheckout,whathaveyoulearnedaboutpeople?’Therewas an agonising silence before his cutting reply, ‘Well,Dad.

There are two kinds of people in this world. There are those who likesmalltalkandtherearethosethatdon’t.AndIdon’t!’And that was that! He had given me a succinct, nuggety reply that

fulfilled all of the technical aspects of a wise reply, but that also sat

uncomfortably as a classic teenage rebuttal of a polite adult enquiry. ItwasalsoHenry’struth.Wedroveoninathoughtfulsilence,bothquietlyreflectingonhiswrylyprovocativeinsight.

ThestyleforaskinggoodquestionsofothersInaskingasecondquestion,weoftenpause thoughtfullyandbecomemoredeliberate in our style. We are mining for a deeper truth and by slowingdown the information flow we can invite a thoughtful reply. We areimplying,‘Nowthinkcarefullybeforeyouanswerthis’.Wearemovingtoamorephilosophicallevelofcommunication.Anyquestion,ifphrasedcarefully,candevelopaspecialpowerandelicit

the extra magic that defines them as a second question. Second questionsoccur at the point in a conversation where we stop looking for factualanswers and instead pull back to set up a question that requires a moreabstract response. We ask a question where the answer will require therespondenttopauseandthinkbeforedeliveringamorethoughtfulreply.When we ask second questions of others, we should always maintain a

sense of genuine interest in the possibility of eliciting a wise reply. Weshouldadoptapositionofnon-judgmentalcuriosityabout theotherperson,genuinely seeking to find out more about them. As the line of enquiryunfolds, in particular, when the second question hits, the ‘aha’ momentalmost becomes a shared gift. Both the questioner and the respondent canfeelasenseofdelightinthemutualdiscoveryofthesimpletruth.Youcanpractiseyourstyleofquestioningatanytimebyaskingafriend

orfamilymemberacoupleofsimplequestionsabouttheirday.

AskingsimplesecondquestionsWhenyounextmeet a friend, colleague or familymember, ask them threesimplequestions:1.Whathaveyoubeenuptotoday?2.What’sbeenthebestbit?3.Andwhydidyouenjoyitsomuch?

Inevitably the ‘why’ question (a second question) will invite them toextract a simple wisdom about themselves. It will not require debate orevaluation, it will simply be a short statement of ‘fact’ that you can bothsubsequentlyreflectfurtheruponatyourleisure.

Thestructureofsecondquestions

GoodprefacestouseQuestions are usually defined by the nature of their firstword.Who,what,why,where andhow are all commonkindsof questions thatwemight ask.Most of them simply drive the respondent towards disclosing factualinformation,much aswemight expect a detective to ask of a suspect or aparent to ask of a child. In the quest for wisdom these are essentiallyloosenersorfirstquestions.But second questions are different. Usually it is the introductory phrase

that makes the question so much more expansive, setting the scene for amore insightful reply.Consider the followingprefaces to a rangeof ‘what’questions:

Attheendoftheday,whathaveyoulearned?Ofeverythingthatwe’vediscussed,what’sthekeyissueforyou?Takingeverythingintoaccount,whatisthemostsignificantaspectforyou?Ifyoulookbackovereverythingthat’shappened,whatjumpsoutasyourmajorlearningoutcome?Iftherewasonethingthatyoucouldtellyourchildren,whatwoulditbe?Ifyouhadonewish,whatwoulditbe?Ifyourmotherwerehere,whatwouldsheadvise?Whenyoupulleverythingtogether,whatisthesimpletake-homemessageforyou?

In each case, the preface lifts up our expectations for amore expansivereply.Wearehominginonwisdom.

Goodprefacestoaquestion

Brainstormapersonal listofprefacestoquestionsthatyoucoulduseinconversation with others. The more that you work on developing thisaspect of your interpersonal style, the more insightful discussions youwillhave.1.PrefacesthatreferencetimeWhenyoulookback...Ofallthethingsthatyou’velearnedabout...

2.PrefacesthatreferencecurrentcontextWhenyoulookaroundateverythingthat’sgoingon...Ofallthethingsthatyoucanseearoundyou...

3.PrefacesthatexplorepossibilitiesIfyouhadamagicwand...Supposingyouwereblindfolded...

Developing a range of good prefaces to use with your questions willautomaticallyenrichthequalityofyoursubsequentinteractionswithothers.

OpenendedquestionsItalmostgoeswithoutsayingthatsecondquestionsshouldbeopen-endedinstyle.Weareaskingtheotherpersontoopenupandtryingtoavoidelicitingsimple yes/no answers. By definition, open-ended questions should allowspacefortherespondenttoprovidetheirowninputintothedebate.An open-ended question is designed to encourage a full, meaningful

answerusingthesubject’sownknowledgeand/orfeelings.Itistheoppositeof a closed question, which encourages a short or single-word answer.Openended questions also tend to be more genuinely curious about theopinions of others and seem less leading and perfunctory than closedquestions.‘Tellmeaboutyourdayatschool?’setsupafarbroaderandmorewide-

rangingdisclosurethan‘Didyougotoschooltoday?’Inaskingopen-endedquestions,wewillalwaysleaveameaningfulpause

toallowtheotherpersontoreflectandgathertheirthoughtsbeforereplying.Whenwenoticepeoplepausinginthiswayitisinvariablyasignthatweareaskinggoodquestions.

SummaryquestionsManysecondquestionshaveasenseofconclusionorintegrationaboutthem.We are inviting the other person to wrap up the conversation with anoverview.‘Now that we’ve had this conversation...’ or ‘Having considered

everythingwe’vediscussedsofar...’wouldbetypicalexamplesofquestionsthatinviteapullingtogetherofthekeypoints.Byaskingforthekeypoints,wewillusuallyextractashort listofnuggetyabstractions that representanover-archingsummaryofthefacts.Many supervision sessions, business consultations and counselling

sessionswillendwithaverycommonquestion:‘Whatarethekeyissuesthatyoucanextractfromourconversationtoday?’Key issues are always succinct. We are distilling the simple take-home

message from a conversation. If we fail to summarise and integrate ourlearningsinthisway,thefactsalonewillsimplyfadewithtime.Ideally,wealwayspullsuchpurposefulconversationstogetherwithasummaryquestionthatextracts thekey insights,whichareoftenbeingconsciouslyconsideredforthefirsttime.

AquestionhasbeenaskedOninternetauctionwebsitessuchaseBayorTradeMe,anyitemputupfor sale usually has a few questions asked about it by viewers online.Theyarealways factualandusuallydull, suchas ‘Howheavy is it?’or‘Whenwasitlastserviced?’But there is no reasonwhy any reader of this book couldn’t run riot

aroundthesameitemsforsale,askingmoreintriguingsecondquestionsoftheseller.Suchas:•Whatisyourfavouritememoryaboutowningthecar?•Ifyoucouldsayone thingabout thefridge thatyoureally liked,whatwoulditbe?

•What’sthemostpoignantphotothatyouevertookonthatcamera?Asking these kinds of second questions would have shifted the

conversation up from the tittle-tattle of marketplace facts and into awider world of trading exquisite, often highly insightful, experiences.We are opening a door into an altogether more colourful and thought-provokingworld.

QuestionsthatliftyouupAs noted previously, business consultants like to lift up conversations toallow for an executive overview of theworld. They talk ofwide horizons,blue skies and helicopter views. Essentially they conceptualise big-picturethinkingasaprocessof lookingdownfromaboveandgaining insights thatare simply not possible when we are immersed in the terrestrial world offactsanddetail.The view from the top somehow seems so much more insightful

(especiallywhen you happen to be at the top!).Gazing down at theworldfrom the window of a plane is almost invariably a time of personal big-picturereflection.Theconceptofpullingupfromthedetailtoconsiderthebiggerpictureis

widelyusedineverydayconversation.Often,whenwearegrapplingwithaproblem,wewillpullupfromthedetailedanalysisandstepbackforawhile,taking a fresh look from a distance.Whenwe are arguing,wewill pull upfromthespecificdisagreement to remindourselvesof thebroaderpointsofagreement.Lookingdownononeself is an excellent perspective fromwhich to gain

personal insight and increased self-awareness. Inviting a conceptualoverviewisalsoagreatstyleofquestiontouse.

QuestionsthatdigdeepAnother popular conceptualisation for asking penetrating questions is toimaginethatwearediggingdeeptouncovernuggetsorgemsthatliewithinus.Weareminingforthe‘aha’moments.Therapistsoftentalkinthisway.

Inmoregeneraldiscussionwemayoftenhearphrasessuchas‘What liesbeneathall this?’or ‘What’s thekey idea thatunderpinsall this?’The ideathat a bigger unifying concept lies beneath a range of factual details is acompellingwayofmakingsenseofinformationandfindingmeaninginit.Oftenwhenweare looking inwards,or insideourselves, themetaphorof

diggingdeepisused.Whensomeoneintrospectsinasearchformeaningweoften say that they are going deep within themselves. In contrast to theexpansive search formeaning in the heavens or blue skies,we are lookingfor wisdom in the depths of our soul. Here we find fundamental truths,cornerstonebeliefsandanchoringconcepts.Our wisdom from digging deep seems rock-solid in a way that breezy

aerialdreamswillnevermanagetoreplicate.Wegodeeptofindauthenticity.Weflyhightofindinspiration.

QuestionsthatlookbackMostwisdom and insight is drawn from past experience; it is the inherentnature of reflective thinking.We look back and consider all that we havelearned in life so far. The phrase ‘insight from hindsight’ captures thesituationperfectly.Secondquestionsthat lookbackarenecessarilycouchedinthepasttense,andtheywillusuallybeginwiththeword‘when’.Good retrospectivequestionsdonot simply ask for facts, such as ‘When

didyouleaveschool?’Insteadtheyinvitetherespondenttoreflectonamoreabstractconcept,usuallyinvolvinganinsightsuchas:

Whendidyoufirstrealisethatyouwerenolongerachild?Whendidyouknowthatyouhadtrulyreachedadulthood?

Bothofthesequestionsrequirethattherespondentconductsabriefreviewoftheirlifesofarandthenextractstheirownmarkerforthetransition.Theywill usually come up with a pleasing personal anecdote that captures theessenceofwhatadulthoodmeanstothem.Therewillbeaninherentsenseofwisdomaboutadulthoodinthestory.

IfirstrealisedthatIwasanadultwhenIcameacrossaseriousroadaccident.Therewasno-onetotellmewhattodo.Ihadtotakepersonalresponsibilityforthelivesofacouplewhoweretrapped.Icouldseeitin

theireyes.Theywerelookingtomeastheirsaviour.This (hypothetical) anecdote sets up awonderfully profound observation

thatcansubsequentlybeusedasawisecommentbyboththequestionerandtherespondent(andnowevenyouthereader!).Wecanallsay:

Sometimes,weknowwhenweareactingasresponsibleadults;wecanseeitinotherpeople’seyes.

Or:

Weknowthatwe’vecomeofagewhenwerealisethatothersdependonustoactresponsibly.

Theseabstractionscanbeincrediblyusefulinsightstosharewithothersinfutureconversations.Wearesharingwisdom.

QuestionsthatlookforwardIncontrasttoretrospectivequestions,forward-lookingquestionsallowustodrift expansively across future possibilities. We are sailing into the vastunknown, boldly speculating about how the future might look. This is thetheatre for developing a personal vision or to set strategic plans andobjectivesforourselves.

Ifyoujumpedforwardtofiveyearsfromnow,whatwouldyousee?Whenyouarefacingyourfinalfewmoments,whatwillyourlegacybe?Howwouldyoupreferthingstobe?

Theseareallsimpleyetchallengingquestionsthatarealsooftenaskedintherapy.Clientscanbecomesopreoccupiedwiththespecificproblemsofthemomentthattheydon’ttakethetimetolookaheadandseeawayforward.An overriding theme to a good therapeutic conversation is to move

steadily from an initial retrospective review of past events towards amoreforward-looking planning process. To gradually shift from asking about‘whathappened’toaskingabout‘howthingscouldbe’.

Questionsthataskwhatwedon’tevenknowweknow(alsoknownasblind-spotquestions)

(alsoknownasblind-spotquestions)‘If’ questions can open the door to a vast array of wisdom that the bearerdoesn’t even know they carry! A classic question that a very challengingtherapist friend ofmine used to askwas: ‘If you knew the answer to yourproblem,whatwoulditbe?’Sadly,theusualresponsewasalongthelinesof:‘Well,Iwouldn’tbecomingheretoseeyouforastart!’Astute readers will note that embedded within most ‘if’ questions is

usually a ‘what’ question. ‘If’ takes us out into the speculative world andfrom there we can look for insight and wisdom with our usual array ofchallengingquestions.Sometimes during performance reviews or in coaching sessions we are

asked to identify personal blind spots, shadow sides and vulnerabilities.These are always hard to see in ourselves aswe tend tominimise or denythem,especiallywhentheyarepointedoutbyournearestanddearest.Although it is true that ‘We knowwhat we know and we usually know

whatwedon’tknow’,sometimes‘wedon’tknowwhatweknow’and,worsestill, ‘we don’t know what we don’t know!’ It is here, floundering in thedark,whereweusuallyfindthemostpowerfulofourlight-bulbmoments.Accessingwisdomfromthesubconsciousistricky.Ifweareunaware,we

areunlikelytoaskourselvestherightquestionsthatleadtoan‘aha’.Often,wetooquicklydismisstheopportunitywiththeclassicline:‘Idon’tknow.’However, with a little more application, it is amazing how much we candiscover about ourselves and the world, and how much is not so much amatteroffactualknowledgebutmoreamatterofsimplybecomingaware.Asnewborninfants,noneofusknowswhat todo.Wehaven’tbeentold.

We gradually work it all out for ourselves.We don’t know about healthydiets orwhat lies outside of our cot.Butwe quickly acquire aworld viewanda skillset that is influencedmassivelybyour limitedexperience to thatpointintime.Wedon’texactlyaskourselvesquestionsat thatstageoflife,but we extrapolate from our experience, we generalise, and we drawinferencesaboutthingsofwhichweareunaware.Our trial-and-error approach to illuminating our world brings a daily

cascadeofinsightsaswediscovernewthings.Forthenewborn,everydayisa rich learning experience where delightful insights happen with almosteverymove.

TheJohariWindowA common framework for asking blind-spot questions is called the JohariWindow(LuftandIngham,1955).Here, it’s representedasasimplematrixthatoffersus the structure to askquestions thatmaynotoccur tous alone.They relate to things that others might see about us or even things thatneitherothersnorourselvesmightknow.

Knowntoself Notknowntoself

Knowntoothers Publicarena PersonalblindspotNotknowntoothers Privatefaçade Unknown(potential)

The Johari Window has become a standard way of cataloguing anynumberof issuesconcerning thepublicandprivatedivide. It sets thescenefor some very interesting and thought-provoking discussions betweenparticipants.Themostintriguingareaforexplorationisthatdescribedas‘unknown’to

both self and others, sometimes referred to as the subconscious.Questionsasked in this area are always speculative, difficult to test, and they areimpossibletoanswerdefinitively.Psychoanalystsspendagreatdealoftimepokingaround in thisquadrant,askingopen-endedquestions in thehopeofflushingoutan‘aha’momentfortheclient.Eliciting an insightwhichwas not previously known to either party is a

richlysatisfyingexperience.Onedoesnotbecomeenlightenedbyimaginingfiguresoflight,butbymakingthedarknessconscious.CarlGustavJungAlmostbydefinition,themostdramatic‘aha’momentswilloccuraround

questionsdirectedatthevoidoftheunknown.Thisistheareawhereasinglelight-bulbmomentcandramaticallyilluminateourblindignorance.

Speculativequestions‘Why...’ is a compelling question to ask, but it is also open to myriadspeculativeanswers. ‘Why’questionssoundsofocused,but invariably theysimply invite the respondent to offer up any amount of uncertain answers.Themostlikelyanswerisalwaysgoingtobe‘Idon’tknow’.

Why is the sky blue?would be the classicwhy question. If people knewwhy, they would be famous. It is a big-picture question that invites anexpansivereply,butsadlytheanswerisalwaysslightlylame.Asking‘why’questionscanbeseenasaquestformeaningorpurposein

life. We are looking to set an observation about the world into a widercontextthanourownknowledgebasecanlogicallyexplain.‘Why’questionsarethefoundationquestionsthatunderpinmanyspiritual

andpsychotherapeuticendeavours. ‘WhyamI insecure?’ invitesa rangeoftheories about childhood, genetics and social influences. However, we aresimplyspeculatingaboutcausesandwewillneverknowforsurethatweareright.Science appears to try and address ‘why’ questions too, but usually by

asking more pedantic ‘what’ or ‘how’ questions. We will never know forsure‘why’gravitypullstheEartharoundtheSun,butwedoknowmoreandmoreabout‘how’itdoesand‘what’happensasaresult.Following the devastating earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand, a

televiseddiscussionwasheldaboutthepossibledesignsforanewcathedral.Thedebatefocusedlargelyonwhetheritwassafetobuildanewspire,andifso,whatmaterials should be used. Suddenly the level of debatewas liftedsignificantlywhenonepanelmemberobserved: ‘Surely, thequestion isnotreallywhat type of spire the cathedral needs. Instead,we should be askingourselveswhythecathedralneedsaspire?’Thisquestiondramaticallychanged thenatureof theconversation, lifting

thedebate toa significantlyhigher level.Participants collectively ‘changedgear’.Theyhadmoved froma pragmatic consideration of the re-build to adiscussionoftherolearchitectureplaysinenhancingspiritualpractice.Itwasagrandexampleofasecondquestioninaction!Most questions asked in the search for religious or spiritualmeaning are

speculative by nature. The answers that we are looking for are simply toohugeforustoeverbeabletovalidate.Instead,welooktogenerateasetofsubjectivefactsthathelpusmakesenseofthehumancondition.Todothis,weusuallyrelyonamixtureofreceivedwisdomandself-evidenttruthsthatwedistilfromourexperiencessofar.Inmanyways,‘why’questionsarethemostcompellingandambitiousof

allsecondquestions,buttheyarealsothehardesttoanswer.Asking‘why’is

probablythemostfrequentlyaskedquestionofthistypeanditisusuallytheleastsatisfactorilyanswered.

SummaryInthischapterwehavereviewedavarietyofstructuresandtechnicalaspectsof second questions. Asking the questions with a healthy curiosity isimportant, and prefacing our words with a broad introduction is crucial.Making open-ended invitations to both reflect and to summarise is alsoimportant.Wecan invite others to lookback, to look forward, to fly highor to dig

deep.Wecancomeat thesearchformeaninginanynumberofways,mosttypicallybyasking‘why’.At theendof thedaywecansee that therearemyriadgoodquestions to

ask. And now that we knowwhat they arewe have no excuse not to startusingthem,bothinconversationswithothersandinpersonalreflectionwithourselves.

ChapterFour

COLOURFULTECHNIQUESFORCAPTURING‘AHA’MOMENTS

‘Aha’momentsshouldbesavoured.Theyareenergising,satisfyingandtheylie at the cutting edge of personal development. They describe significantmoments of insightwhenwisdom can flourish.Not surprisingly, delightfulsurprisesareoftenelicitedbycolourfultechniques.

UsingmetaphorThemostcolourfulwayofliftingupyourthoughtsfromthehereandnowisto make reference to similar situations that you are reminded of. Theconnection sparks other similarities and a new awareness falls into place.Many examples can be found in everyday speech. When we describe achild’s room as a pig’s sty, we are recognising all the qualities that aresimilar between the two situations and a numberof additional insightswillinevitablyoccurasaresult.Thisisanexampleofametaphor,afigureofspeechwhichisnotliterally

applicable, but that suggests a resemblance. It is a description that iscommonlyusedbyusall.Ifametaphorinvolvestheword‘like’,itiscalledasimile.Manyyearsagoaclientwhowasgoingthroughadifficultlegalseparation

involvingmany different professional opinions toldme that he felt like hewas ‘flyingaLancasterbomber inWorldWar II’.Hewas lumberingalonginthedark,drawingflakfromallsides.Hetoldmethathewasconfusedandscared,andhisonlyavailableresponsewastodrophisbombsrandomlyandangrily wherever he could. He was out of control, but could see no otheroptionsforhissurvival.Withthissimplemetaphorhewasabletoconveyathousanddifferentaspectsofhissituationandalsofindpotentialsolutionstohisproblems.

Another client once described her traumatised life as being like ‘awonderful sandy beach that had been covered in rubbish and thewreckagefromaviolentstorm’.Buteachday,asthetidescameinandthenwentout,nature slowly brought order to the chaos. Itwas a greatmetaphor toworkwith,addingsubstancetotheoldmaximthat‘timewillsurelyheal’.The interesting thing aboutmetaphors is thatwe can ‘trade’ them.After

seeingtheclientwhowasgoingthroughthetraumaticseparation,Iwasableto use his description with several other clients, in order to help validatetheirownsituationandalsotoprovidepotentialsuggestionsforchange.Passingonotherpeople’smetaphors isa trickybusiness.When itworks,

it’s a powerful contribution to a conversation, providing many potentialinsights.However,withpoortiming,ortosomeonewhodoesn’tknowwhatflyingaLancasterbomberwouldbe like, themetaphorwillgodown likealeadballoon[sic!].Infindingwisemetaphorsofourown,weneed toopenourawareness to

ourpastexperiencesandconsiderwhatasituationremindsusof.Thiscomesmoreeasilytosomeofusthanothers,butitisasimplehabitthatwecanalllearn.If we look outside the square for a situation that resonates with the

situation in hand,wewill usually find something thatwe can use.A goodmetaphor, drawn from a parallel situation, can provide wonderful ‘aha’moments.Theautomaticconnectionsparksinsight.

FindingmetaphorsforlifesituationsConsiderasituationwhereyouhavesomuchtodothatyoudon’tknowwheretostart.Everywhereyoulook,allyoucanseearethingsthatneedto be done. What metaphor could you use to describe your situation?Whatdoesthesituationremindyouof?Example:It’slike:

Metaphor is a great source of insight. There are many metaphors that arecommonly used to describe life and each has a value of its own.We oftenhear about the river of life or the suggestion that life is a journey, but ametaphorthatIcommonlyuseistosuggestthataperson’slifestoryislikea30-chapterbook.Isuggestthattheymightcurrentlybeinchapterten,andIremind them that they are the lead characters in their own life story(somethingthatweoftenforget!).Characterscomeandgofromonechaptertothenextandcertainthingshappenasthestoryunfolds.OncethestructureisinplaceIthenaskthemthefollowingquestions:

Whatisthetitleofyourbook?Whataretheessentialqualitiesofthemaincharacter?Whatisthebasicthemethatthereadercanadmireandlearnfrom?

A similar metaphor might refer to life as a ‘three-act play’, with fivescenes in each. Again, the plot unfolds, but understanding the centralcharacteristhekeygoaloftheanalysis.

Mylifeasabookwith30chaptersIfmy life were to be the subject of a 30-chapter novel, which chapterwouldIbeinrightnow?Answerthefollowingquestionsaboutthestory:1.Thetitleofmybookis:

2.Themainthemeofmybookis:

3.Theprimequalitiesoftheleadcharacterare:

Asyou fill in theblankspacesabove, remember thatyoucanchoosehowyoudescribeyour life storyandyoucanchoosehowyouwish thesynopsistoread.

By deliberately using metaphor more often and hitching supplementaryquestions to them,wecanelicit surprisingandoftendelightfulmomentsofinsight.

UsinganecdoteAnanecdoteisashortdescriptionofaparticularincidentoroccurrencethatis personally interesting. When we share personal anecdotes, or describereal-life stories that we have heard or experienced in the past, we offeropportunities for others to gain insight. As someone tells you of theirpredicament,youmightremembersomethingsimilarthathappenedtoyouortosomeoneelsethatyouknowof.Thereisusuallyakeymessageorlearningtoextract.As with metaphor, the use of anecdote can prove reassuring when

delivered appropriately, but can also distract the conversationinappropriatelyawayfromtheimmediateconcernsoftheotherperson.Theysimplymightnotwanttohearthatyou’vehadsimilarproblemswhenthey’retrying to let off their own steam. Sometimes, however, sharing a similarexperienceallowsforahugelyreassuringandcomfortingmomentinothers.Theyknow that youknowwhat they are feeling.Youhavebeen there too.Andtheycansee theirownsituationmoreclearly throughtheparallels thatcanbedrawn.Theyoftengainpersonalinsightasaresultofthedisclosure.The use of anecdote is probably the closest we ever come to simply

definingwisdom through personal experience.We are tapping directly intothe lessons thatwehave learned fromourpast.Weare lettingothersknowthatwe have been around, thatwe have a depth of experience and thatwecanprovideinsightsintotheircurrentconfusion.A colleague of mine, Wendy, once described the power of personal

anecdotewhen she recalled the funeral of hermother,who had diedwhenWendywasonlyeighteenyearsold.As the family linedup to shakehandswith other mourners at the church, she received a steady stream of well-intendedadvicearoundhowtocope.But among all of the simple homilies offered to her, the one phrase that

stoodout toWendywasfromanelderlyauntwhosimply lookedher in theeyeandquietlysaid,‘Ilostmymotherattheageofeighteen,too’.Ofall thecommentsreceived, fromexpressedcompassion towiseadvice

andwordsofcomfort, itwasthissimpleself-disclosurethatresonatedmostdeeplywithWendy’ssadness.‘Iknowhowitfeels...I’vebeenthere’isoneof the most powerful disclosures we can make. You are speaking from apositionofunshakableself-knowledge.Thereisaninherentwisdominyour

words.Interestingly,whenwe share anecdotal stories derived fromother people

weareusuallysharingfactsratherthanwiseconcepts.Whilethefactsmightseemsuperficiallypedanticortrivial,theanecdoteactuallyservesabroaderfunctionasitremovesusfromthehereandnow,andoffersabiggerpicturetothediscussion.Wecanextractthewisdomfromtheparallelthemes.We often start with the phrase ‘I met this person once who...’ In

continuingitisvitallyimportantthatwekeeptheanecdotebriefandthatwedon’t distract away from the shared conversational path.We should makesure that the key message is given succinctly at the end, rather like thepunchlinetoajoke.Thestoryshouldclimbinevitablytowardstheinsight.

Somethingexcitingalwayshappenswhenpeoplegetlost

I once had the pleasure of hosting Judith Beck, a globally respectedcognitive therapist, when she came to New Zealand to give a two-dayworkshop.She isa thoroughlyniceperson,unrelentinglycourteousandpositiveinoutlook.Afterahugelysuccessfulvisit,itwastimeforhertoleave.Idrovehertotheairportandcheckedinherbags.Therewerestill45

minutes before boarding, so I offered to takeher for a quickdrive to alocal scenic lookout point. Thirty minutes later as I drove her backthroughamazeofunrecognisablestreets,I turnedtoherandconfessed,‘Judith,I’msosorry,butI’mafraidthatwe’retotallylost!’Her flight to Australia and the rest of her world tour left in just 15

minutes. I was fraught with despair and I expected a furious reply.Instead, I was stunned by her answer. ‘Never mind,’ she said calmly.‘Somethingexcitingalwayshappenswhenpeoplegetlost!Let’sjustseewhatunfolds.’Theworld’sleadingexpertinpositivethinkinghadcomethroughwith

flyingcolours.Inthefaceofadversityshehadkeptasteadyperspectiveandhandledthesituationwithexceptionalgrace.JudithdidcatchtheplaneintimeandasIwatchedherflyawayIfelt

an extraordinary sense of privilege. In the heat of the moment I had

learnedsomethingquiteprofoundaboutmanagingpersonaltension.I’ve told this personal anecdote many times, and apart from name

dropping with the central character, it serves wonderfully as a perfectreal-life example of the motto, ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’. Acatastrophicsituationisonlyasstressfulasyouchooseforittobe!Somethinginterestingalwayshappenswhenpeoplegetlost...

Andfinally,beforeweleavethetopicofpersonalanecdote,weshouldheedan obvious warning about the excessive use of personal anecdote inconversation—itcanborethepantsoffyourlisteneriftheyarenotprimedorwillingtolisten!

Usingaphorisms,maximsandproverbsAphorisms or idioms are succinct phrases in common usage that capture ageneraltruth.Theyareusuallythethoughtfulsayingsoffamouspeople.Forexample, ‘There’s no fool like an old fool’. However, this particular truthhasbeenaroundforsolongthatitsoriginshavebeenlost!Tired, overused or trite aphorisms are called clichés. Clichés are widely

acceptedtruthsthathavesomehowlost theirabilitytoimpressoraddvaluetoaconversation.Anoldclichéwillrarelyprovideamomentofinsightforthe listener, regardless of the inherent wisdom that it still might carry.Everyonegetsboredwithclichés,almostbydefinition.Moreusefultypesofaphorismsarecalledmaxims,wheretheemphasisis

on providing an apparently ‘scientific’ truth. The intent is to describe ageneral rule or guiding principle in life. An example might be ‘Lying isalwayswrong’(ImmanuelKant).Despitetheconvictionwithwhichthisrulemightbeexpressed, it is stillnot auniversal truthand is subject toendlessphilosophical analysis. It still carries the same subjective quality as allaphorisms,andwetendtochooseandexpressthemaximsthatsuitusbestatthetime.The other major class of aphorism that we hear colloquially is called

proverbs.Here, concrete, commonsense sayings are shared, often based on

practicalscenariosfromeverydaylife.Theytendtobefarlessexpansiveintheir style, but they still capture the ‘aha’. They are very similar tometaphorsinthattheyinviteaconceptualleaptoaparallelsituation.Commonexamplesmightbe:

Makehaywhilethesunshines.Don’tcryoverspiltmilk.Peoplewholiveinglasshousesshouldn’tthrowstones.

Thesesayingsallcarryaninherentsenseofwisdom.Ifyouarerecoveringfromarelationshipbreak-upandafriendsays,‘It’snousecryingoverspiltmilk’, then youmaywell experience a sudden awareness of the futility ofyourtearsanddecidetoadoptalesssorrowfulworldview.Youmaydecidetojustmopitallupandgetonwithyourlife.Alternatively,youmighthear a friend saying that ‘Grief is theprice that

youpay for love’,whichgivesa silver lining to thedeeppain thatyouarefeeling.Insteadofbeinglostinyourupset,younowseeyourselfaspartofalarger process where the emotional highs have their inevitable downsideslateron.Ofcourse,wemustalsoremember thatnoteveryoneappreciatesasmug-

faced friend hovering around them spouting wise proverbs! We need tochooseourmomentscarefully.The important question in this section is to ask what proverbs are

importanttoyou.Whichproverbsdoyoufindyourselfsharingwithothersornoddingyourheadinagreementwith?Proverbs are in use everywhere. If youwere to switch on the television,

withina30-minuteperiodyouwouldhaveheardhalfadozenproverbs thatyouwillprobablyhaveheardmanytimesbefore.Charactersinsoapoperas,soundbitesfrompoliticians,or interviewswithsportscoachesafteragame...allwilltendtouseproverbstogettheirmessageacrosssuccinctly.Usually, it makes them seem wise and we admire their ability to put a

comforting frameworkover a confusing event.At other times it seems thattheyaresimplyusingatiredclichéthatlacksgenuineauthenticity.As we become increasingly comfortable with quoting proverbs, we

develop a more imaginative overview of situations. We jump to spot keythemesandcanprovidesuccinctcommentarythataddsinsight.Inshort,we

becomewise.

MyfavouriteproverbsFind a list of common proverbs and write down the five that resonatemoststronglywithyou.1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

These are time-honoured expressions of wisdom, and by endorsingthem,theybecomeyourwisewords.Theyhelpyounavigateanauthentic

passagethroughlifeandtheyhelpyoumakesenseoftheturbulence.Try toslipat leastoneof themintoyourconversationbefore theday

has passed.Deliver thewords earnestly andwith style, and then pauseformaximumdramaticeffect.Youmaybeinterestedtoobservetheresponseofyourlistener!

Knowing our favourite proverbs helps us to know ourselves better.Developing the ability to reference proverbs appropriately in conversationadds colour to our interpersonal style. Proverbs will inevitably lift theconversation fromthematter inhandand inviteparticipants toconsider thebiggerpicture.Theyextractthekeyissuesfromthespecificfacts.Weoftenprecipitate‘aha’momentsinthiswayand,moreimportantly,weoftenmakepeoplesmile.There can be great comfort in realising that old familiar patterns are

playingout inour lives.Torealise thatwearenot thefirst tofeel like this,andthatwewillnotbethelast.Aphorisms,whethermaximsorproverbs,allhelp lay a reassuring blanket over often painful situations, and can bring asenseofcoherencetousinconfusingtimes.Theybecomeanintegralpartofourworldview.

Lawrie’sfavouriteproverbIonceaskedmyoldschoolfriendLawrietonamehisfavouriteproverb,theonethatguideshimmostreassuringlythroughlife.Afterthebriefestof pauses, he replied, ‘Early to bed and early to risemakes Jack a dullboy!’Lawrie’s adolescent humour clearly continued to shine. By cleverly

mixingtwouniversallyacceptedtruths,andthinkingoutsidethesquare,hehadcreatedanewtruthofhisown,andonethatreflectedhispersonalworldview—andprobablymine—withalarmingaccuracy!(SeeChapterSixformoreaboutfindingwisdomthroughhumour.)

Picturesthatresonate

PicturesthatresonatePictures can tell a thousand stories. We will all see something slightlydifferentinapictureorimage,andoftenthiswillreflectissuesthatwecarrywithin ourselves. Describing what we see in a photograph can reveal anawful lot about us as individuals.We articulate ideas that often we didn’tknowwehad.Onteam-buildingretreats,Iwillsometimesaskteammemberstoselecta

picture from a range of randomly photographed images spread across thefloor. I ask them to select a photo of how their team looks currently, andthenanotherthatrepresentshowtheywouldliketheteamtobeinthefuture.Theyarethenaskedtodescribetheirpicturestotherestofthegroup.Thephotosmaybeofcyclistsracing,vegetablesarrangedneatlyinboxes,

treesinaforestorahamsteronatreadmill.Othersshowasunset,abeach,arock-climberorapairoftigercubsplayfullypawingateachother.Thereare70imagesinall,eachportrayingadifferentsituation.Initially, participants tend to feel awkward about the exercise and are

somewhatreluctantstarters.However,astheywanderaroundchoosingtheirpictures, their resistance invariably dissipates and a silence falls over theroom. The group becomes deeply reflective and people often spend muchlongerthanI’dplannedonchoosingtheirimages.Themagic of the exercise occurswhen each participant is then asked to

describetheirphotostotherestofthegroup.Frequently,oneperson’simageoftheircurrentrealityischosenbysomeoneelseastheimageoftheirfuturedream. It is impossible topredictwhatphotospeoplewill chooseandwhattheywillreadintothem.For example, someone might choose the hamster in a wheel, describing

theirwork lifeasmind-numbinglyoutof theircontrol,and thenchoose therock-climber to describe how they want to be. They describe feeling thethrillofthechallengingascentwithacleargoalahead.Another teammembermightchoosethesameimagesbut inpreciselythe

opposite context, feeling terrified about the insecurity of the currentsituation,perilouslyclingingtotherock,butlookingforwardtothestructureandsecurityofthepurringhamsterwheel.Regardless of the images chosen, as teammembers talk to their pictures

they become increasingly insightful, capturing aspects of their work

environmentthatcouldn’tbeotherwiseexpressed.Icapturethekeywordsaswe go and this becomes a powerful basis for subsequent group discussion.Collectively,theywillhavegeneratedasummaryofthepresentissuesfacingthe team, as well as suggesting a clear vision of how their shared futuremightlook.Wemightcontrastamind-numbing,terrifyingand‘out-of-control’present

withthefuturevisionofasecure,structuredandthrillingchallenge,withacleargoalahead.These insightful contributionsareoftenmadeby individualswhoarenot

particularly articulate. They are uncomfortable expressing feelings andopinions,especiallyinfrontoftheircolleagues.Thisiswhatmakestheexercisesosurprisinglyeffective.Bylettinggoof

theleft-brainverbal/logical/criticalanalysis,andalloftheinhibitionsthatgoalong with that, we can instead access some surprising right-hemisphereinsights,simplythroughdescribingpicturestoeachother.This, of course, is the inherentmagic of appreciating good artwork. It’s

notnecessarily thecontentof thework that is important; it’swhat itmeanstotheviewerthatcounts.

BehindcloseddoorsIhaveapaintingonthewallofmyofficeofastick-figuremanarrivinghomefromwork.Heisstandingstillinthedoorway.Hiswifeisrushingtowardshim,away froman ironingboardandanoven.Theybothhavetheir arms outstretched, but there is a huge space between them on thecanvas.Sheisinthemiddleofthecanvas,andheisappearingfromtheright-handside.Theybothhaveshadowsthrownfromalightsomewherebehindtheman.Thepaintingisquitestriking,blackstickfiguresonaredbackground,

andmanypeoplearedrawntoitandcommentbeforetheysitdownwhileImakethemacupoftea.For some, thewoman seems to be fleeing the domestic chores, with

themanashersaviour.Forothers,thespacebetweenthemisunbearablylarge. For others, the shadows suggest a primary energy source locatedoutsideof the frame.And for someofmyclients, theman seems tobestuckhelplesslybetweenthewoman’senergyandtheoutsideworld.

Aspeoplespeakcasuallytomeaboutwhattheysee,Inoticethattheyaretellingmealotaboutthemselves.IfIwasapsychoanalystinterestedin projection, I would have more than enough material for a lengthytherapysessionevenbeforewehadbegun!But as someone who is professionally interested in eliciting insight

from others, I could take this opportunity to ask a speculative secondquestion:‘Howwouldyoucapturethesceneinasimplesentence?’Therewillbethepredictablepauseandasigh,followedbyasuccinct

commentary about some aspect of domestic relationships—often aprofoundlythoughtfulmomentofinsightforusbothtosavour.Asking what artwork ‘means’ is a rich source of insight and self-

awareness.Wearemuchthewiserforhavingtakenthetimetoposethequestion,notjusttootherpeoplebutalsotoourselves.

YourdreamsIs there anything to be learned about ourselves from reviewing the role ofour dreams?While I am stopping far short of ever trying to interpret themeaning of a dream, the process of dreaming nonetheless provides a greatopportunityforourmindstodwellexpansivelyonbig-picturequestions.Whenwedream,ourmindsareclearlyuntetheredandfree tofloatoff to

creative places. The jumbled connections of daytime thoughts and imagesbecomewoven into an often disturbing story. Justwhy, or how, is not thequestion here. Instead, we can simply consider the narratives from recentdreams,andreflectonwhatinsightsmightbegainedfromthem.Repeated dreams of falling might suggest that we need to take more

controlinourlives.Orifwedreamofrunningnakedthroughpublicplaces,desperatelylookingforahidingplace,thenwemightdecidethatweneedtostand tall and be proud ofwhowe are inside. Everyonewill come to theirown conclusions aboutwhat is to be learned fromadream.Wedon’t needexpertanalysis;it’sjustmorematerialfrom‘outofthebox’thatcanprovideuswithinsight.Itisofinteresttonotethatgoodquestionsthataskaboutmeaningarethe

key technique for eliciting self-wisdom, rather than the actual content of a

dream.Simplyrecountingaweirddreamisonething;lookingformeaningisquiteanother.

Myfavouritedream•Writedownabriefsynopsisofyourfavouritedream.

•Whatdoesittellusaboutyou?Whatarethekeyinsightstobegained?

SummaryTherearemanycolourfulways inwhichwecancaptureandsharepersonalinsights inour lives.Opportunitiesoccur forus throughouteveryday life togainclarityandwisdomaboutbothourselvesandtheworldaroundus.Everyday language is fullof richwisdom.Proverbs,maximsandpopular

quotescanalladdvaluetoourcatalogueofsimpletruths.Similarly,wecanalso find insight in creative artwork that we admire. Even our dreams canprovideuswith‘aha’momentsifwebothertoreflectonthemproperly.The on-going quest for personal insight never ends and the inherent

curiosityinvolvedinthesearchcanfeelverylife-affirming.Ithasbeensaidthatwhenwestoplookingforinsight,wearenottrulyliving,wearesimplysurviving.Andwecanalldobetterthanthat.

ChapterFive

CLEVERCONVERSATIONSWITHOTHERS

There are at least three common situations where the ability to lift aconversationcanaddvalue; interactionswherewecanextractwisdomfromothersandwhereourworldbecomespersonallyricherasaresult.Firstly,weshalllookathowtoenrichthoseboringconversationsthatare

basedsimplyona streamof facts.Secondly,weshall considerhowbest toextractwisdom fromchildren.And finally,we shall learn how to drawoutwisdomfromtheelderly.

HowtoenrichatediousconversationHaveyoueverfoundyourselflockedintoaconversationwhichseemspurelymundane? For example, a friend giving you a blow-by-blow account of amoviethey’vejustseen?Orapartnerreportingwordforwordwhattheydidduringtheday?Orapedanticneighbourtellingyouexactlyhowyoushouldliveyourlife?These are all boring conversations that grind along at a pedestrian level.

Theyaresimplestreamsoffactsbroadcastmonotonouslywheretheintentionis to inform rather than to delight. They are sharing knowledge andinformation, but they are not inducing wisdom. In short, they aren’tparticularlycleverorstimulatingconversations.However, the key thing to remember is that regardless of how someone

interacts with us, we can always choose our response. We can choose torespond by asking a second question, and we can look to extract genuinenuggets of wisdom from the truckloads of earthy facts offered. By askingcleverquestions,wecanencourageotherstothinkalittlemoreexpansivelyaboutthewaytheyseelife.

There’smorethanonewaytocutacake

There’smorethanonewaytocutacakeA few years ago I was stuck in an airport shuttle bus with a group ofyoung mothers heading out for a fun weekend away. They were allexcited and were talking endlessly about their children, recipes, homeappliancesandclothes.Iwassobored!The conversation turned to children’s birthday parties. Factual

informationcontinuedtobeexchanged.Andthen,outoftheblue,justassomeonehadnotedhowhard it is tocutacake into fivepieces,oneofthequietermothersdroppedastunningsecondquestionintothemix.She simply asked, ‘What is the most important thing to take into

accountwhenyou’recuttingupacake?’Suddenly thewhole toneof the conversation changed.Therewas the

classic reflective pause before everyone began discussing life at a fardeeperlevel.Shouldwecutthecakeintoequalportions?Oraccordingtoneed?Orcutsizeaccordingtothemostdeserving?Ortothemostpolite?Shouldwedecideontheirbehalforshouldweaskthemfirst?In seconds, it seemed like Iwas sitting in auniversityundergraduate

politicsorphilosophyseminar.Wehadbeencollectivelytransportedtoahigher plane of analysis by one simple question. Suddenly, the cakeseemedtohavebecomeaperfectmetaphorforlife.Wewereaddressingbasicprinciplesofhowtosharelimitedresources

and each was expressing strong and deeply held personal beliefs. Theconversation seemed to fly from that point, subsequentlymoving on toconsider a range of fundamental lessons that we as parents teach kidsaboutlife.Andsoitwenton.Bytheendofthetrip,Iwasnolongerbored.Iwas

inspired!

Whenpeople talkexcessivelyaboutanevent ina factualway, theyarenotbringing the story to a conclusion. The reasons for the stream of factualdetailsarenotclear.Somehow,weneedtoencouragethestorytellertojumptotheessentialmessage.Aclassicwayofdrawingoutmeaningfromthemonologueistointerrupt

politelybyasking,‘...andwhatisthemoralofthestory?’You are expressing interest and seeking clarification in the style of

curiosity as described in Chapter Three, but you are also requiring theanswer tobepitchedataconceptual level.Therewillbeanecessarypausewhilethebiggerpictureisconsideredbeforethekeymessageisrevealed.We don’t need to become frustrated or irritable to bring a longwinded

story to a close. An abrupt interjection isn’t necessary. Instead, we canrecognise the situation thatwe are in and lookwithin ourselves for a goodquestion to liftup theconversation.Wecanextract thekeypoints fromthestoryandwecantransformthestreamoffactsintoagenuineopportunityforinsight.When people are talking at you they are usually trying to share an

experience that has somehow touched them.By asking good questions youcanhelpthemtoframeuptheexchangesothatyoucanalsobetouchedandperhapseveninspiredbythesameevents.Youcanhelpthemtofindtheessentialmessagethattheywishtoshare.

WisdomfromchildrenTalking to children is brilliant. They are delightfully uninhibited and theywill use all kinds of expressive techniques to get their point across. Theyoftensurpriseuswiththeiruniquetakeonlife.Someyearsago,mydaughterJessica, thenagedseven,wasaskedbyher

teacherwhatherfatherdidforaliving.‘He’sapsychologist,’shereplied.‘Andwhatdoesapsychologistdo?’theteacherasked.‘Hemakessadpeoplehappy ... likeaclown,’was theacutelyperceptive

reply.What more could I possibly say? There it was in black and white. My

daughterthoughtIwasaclown!It isoften said that ‘outof themouthsof fools andchildrencomesgreat

wisdom’.Butmanyofusfindithardtocommunicatewithchildrenandwestruggletofindtherightthingstoask.Howoften, on their children’s return from school, do parents ask, ‘How

wasyourday?’Tobemetwithagruffreply,‘Allright.’

Or‘Whatdidyoudotoday?’Andthereply,‘Nothing.’The quest for facts is fatally doomed andwill never lead to a satisfying

conversation. Instead, it is far, far better to lure children into replying to asecondquestion,andthenmarvellingatthedepthoftheirappreciationoftheworld.

GoldfishwisdomOnce,whenwanderingaroundanEnglishstatelyhome,Iwasdrawntoalilypondfullof largegoldfish.Twoyoungchildrenweregazingdeeplyintothepool.‘What do you think about when you look at goldfish?’ I casually

asked.‘I remember my aunty who died,’ the young girl replied. ‘She kept

goldfishinabowlandalwaystoldmethatbecausetheyweresurroundedbywater,theyneverknewitwasthere.Shesaiditwaslikehappiness...it’sallaroundus,ifonlywerealisedit.’And then she skipped away, leaving me mouthing noiselessly in

goldfishland!Ithadbeensuchasimplequestion,andithadelicitedsuchawisereply.

Childrenlovefantasy,theyloveplayandtheylovemagic.Allcanbeusedtogenerate thoughtful ideas.Asparentsoras significantadults it is importantthat,asweplayorreadtochildren,wealsoaskquestionstoencouragethemtobemoreexpansiveintheiroutlook.Themagicalworldthatkidslovetovisitisaparticularlygoodtheatrefor

askingextraordinaryquestionstodrawwisdomfromkids.Oftenyoucansetupthemostoutrageousofscenariostoextractsurprisingideas.Fancydress,imaginativepaintings,playingon thebeach ...allof thesesituationsset thesceneforgreatconversations.As you build the sandcastle, you canmuse about life in the olden days.

Youcanaskimaginativequestionsasyouplay.‘Whatwould be themost important thing to do if you lived in a castle?

Why?’‘Whowouldyouneedtobewithyou?Why?’Playtherapy,arttherapyandmusictherapyallhavechildlikeconnotations

wherewecanregressintothedreamyworldofimaginationandfantasy.Wecanbewhatwewant,dowhatwewantandinventwhatwewant.It’s a wonderful world where anything goes and as we construct our

dreamswecandiscovermuchaboutourselvesandeachother.Childrenarecomfortableinthatplacewheremostadultsarenot.Theylovetospeculate,imagineandguessinthelandoftheunknown.But they have to pause, reflect and capture the keymessages to become

wise.Thequestionsneedtobeasked,orthemomentslipsbyasjustanotheramusinggame.Most collections of childhood stories such as the tales ofHansChristian

Andersen, the tales of the Arabian nights or Grimms’ fairytales, all lendthemselves perfectly to brief conversations afterwards. It’s a greatopportunitytoliftupfromasimplestoryandinvitebiggerpicturethinking.

Whatdoesthatstoryremindyouof?Whatwasthebestbitforyou?Why?Ifyoutoldthatstorytoafriend,whatmighttheythink?

Sadly,weusuallyuse thesebedtimestories simply toencouragechildrentonodofftosleepandtheopportunityforathoughtfulde-briefislost.

Myfavouritechildren’sstoryThinkbacktoyourearlychildhoodandrecallyourfavouritefairytaleorstory. If you are a parent, or still read stories to children, think aboutwhat story youmost enjoy reading and have the greatest empathy for.Writeitdown.

Myfavouritestoryis:

Whatisthestory’skeymessageaboutlife?

Some of the more endearing comments made by small children wheninterviewedontelevisionareusuallythedirectresultofthequestionsasked.Forexample,asking:‘WhatdoyouwantforChristmas?’willelicitasimplelistofdemands.Conversely, asking ‘How do you think Father Christmas gets down the

chimney?’ will open up a free-thinking and imaginative range of potentialanswers.Children are creative, imaginative and are not constrained by practical

considerations. They will come up with the most wonderfully inventivesolutions to a challenging question and will happily share their colourfulideaswithyou.Togainmaximumvalueforyouboth,youneedtobeequallyinventiveand lead theconversation forwardwithyourunrelentingcuriositytohearmore.

FivecreativequestionstoaskachildI askedmygood friendsGrahamandCynthia,whohavebeen teaching

primary school children for many years, what the five most creativequestionsweretoaskachild.Theypaused,wentawaytothinkaboutit,andreturnedwiththefollowingsuggestions.1.Ifyouhadatimemachineandwentfarintothefuture,whatwouldbedifferent?2.Howwouldyoulikethefuturetobe?3.Ifyouwereananimal,whatsortwouldyoube?Whatwouldyoutellhumans?4.Ifyoucoulddesignacityinthefuture,whatwoulditlooklike?5.Whathasbeenyourbiggestmistake?Howcouldyoufixit?We can all ask our own variations of these simple questions. If we

giveourselvesacreativestretchbychoosingexpansivequestions,weareusuallyrewardedbythecreativityofthereply.

Anotherimportantfactortoconsiderwhentalkingwithchildrenistorealisethat the world is changing fast. Faster than ever before. And at the sametime, many time-honoured truths about life are falling by the wayside.Children now live in a digital world of screens and online connectivity.Muchofthewisdomofthepastnolongerhasrelevancetothem.‘Buynow,paylater’todayseemstobeasmarterwayoflivingratherthantheprevioussageadviceabout‘savingforarainyday’.Valuessuchasloyaltyandcommitmenthavealsofadedawaynoticeably.

In their place, a more immediate, self-indulgent world view predominates,with a more disposable attitude to both material commodities and also torelationships. These are not necessarily bad changes, but they are certainlydifferent perspectiveson life and theybring adifferent set of values to thetable.Whenacknowledged,thesedifferencescanbecometheverystuffofarich

and rewarding conversation with the young. When they are notacknowledged,theybecomesevereimpedimentstoanengagingdiscussion.It isbest to treatchildrenas if theyspeakadifferent languageandcome

from a different culture. Assume nothing, maintain a careful respect andtread carefully. They are more intellectually agile than you—and they can

alsobite!Theirwisdomisdifferentandit’sdelightful.

WisdomfromtheelderlyVisitingtheelderlycanbeatorturousaffairfilledwithlongawkwardpauseswhiletrivialdetailsofthedayarereviewed.‘Howareyoukeeping?’,‘Whatdidyouhaveforlunch?’,and‘How’stheweatherbeenrecently?’wouldallbe typical questions for us to ask. They are present-focused, factual andobjective. Sadly, by carrying on in this way, we are not mining for theincredible depth of wisdom that each and every older person has to sharewithus.Every older person has a deep well of experience to draw on when

expressingthemselves.Intheiradvancingyearstheybecomemorereflectiveandtheytendtointegratetheirkeyunderstandingsabouttheworld.Theycanuse small anecdotes to wonderful effect and will often relay simple truthsaboutlifewithgreatauthenticity.Ingeneral,theolderyouare,thewiseryoubecome.Entering into conversation with an older person becomes somuchmore

fulfillingwhenyouadopt ahealthycuriosity towards theirgeneralviewonlife. Just asDrFosterwas curious about the lessons Ihad learnedovermyclinicalcareer,sotooshouldwebeinterestedtohearwhat theelderlyhaveto say. Their subjective world view will often bring a surprisingly freshperspectivetoalmostanysituation.Older people are typically more reserved in their interpersonal style,

adopting the role of ‘detached observer’ with a natural ease. Their race isalmostrun,but theyarestillwatchingfromthesidelineswithaperspectivebornofmanyyears’experience.They’veseenitallbeforeandtheycanlookat the present situation through the frame of history. It’s all swings androundabouts. The pendulum swings. Andwhat goes around comes around.Themorethingschange,themorethingsstaythesame.We can tap into this ‘passive bystander’ perspective by asking good

questions;nottoelicitfixedopinionsabouthowtheworldshouldbe,buttoestablish considered truths about the patterns that they see in life. Olderpeople naturally tend to pull back and see thewider context. They can see‘meaning’ and they can see reasons why things happen in a way that the

mainplayersontoday’sstagecannot.It’sasimpletacticforustosimplyaskthem:

Whatdoesthisallmeantoyou?Whatwouldyouhavemadeofthiswhenyouwerethatage?Howdoesitdifferthesedays?

Life really isn’t so hard to understand and the olderwe get, the simplerthingsseem.Olderpeoplecancutthroughtobasictruthsinawaythatmoreenergised,youthfulcharactersstruggletodo.Mostofusaresocaughtupinthe business of living that we cannot step back and ‘see the wood for thetrees’.Conversely,theelderlystandbackandplacethemselvesoutsidethegame.

They are astute observers of life as it all unfolds around them. They areusually delighted to be asked to extract the key learnings from what theyhaveseenoverthegrandsweepoftheirlives.Oneof thegreatest gifts thatyoucangive anolderperson is to listen to

theirwisdom.Ifyouasktherightquestions,theywillofferyouthegreatestgiftsinreturn:thegiftoftheirinsights,theirwisdomandtheirexperience.Consideringone’spersonalanswers tosecondquestions iswhat later life

isallabout.Oldagegivesus the timeand theopportunity tostepbackandreflect.But ifwe let that opportunity slip by, thenwe simplydrift throughourfinaldaysuntilwepassonandourimpactonothersisdiminished.Aslifedrawstowardsitsinevitableconclusion,thereisahugesatisfaction

tobegained insummarisinganddrawing togetherourpersonalconclusionsfrom everything we have seen and heard. Over all of the years that theelderly have lived, they have experienced a great deal. They have learnedfrom the tough times, they have learned from the good.They have usuallymadesomemistakes,but theyhavealsoworkedout thebasicprinciplesbywhichtheyhavelivedouttheirlivesandstayedtruetowhattheybelievein.Old age is a time of life whenwe can all decidewhatmight bewritten

aboutusonametaphoricalheadstoneorspokenaboutusinaeulogy.InhisbookACTMadeSimple:AneasytoreadprimeronAcceptanceand

Commitment Therapy, Russ Harris proposes a string of brilliant questionsthatmightbeaskedofusasweapproachtheendofourlives:

Whatdoyoureallystandforinlife?Whatreallymatters,deepinyourheart?Whatdoyouwanttoberememberedforatyourfuneral?Whatwereyourheart’sdeepestdesires,forwhomyouwantedtobeandforwhatyouwantedtododuringyourbrieftimeonthisplanet?

Itmayseema littlegloomy tobeconsideringsuchmatters,but theseareimportantquestionstoask.Theanswersmayonlybesimple,somewhattrite,phrases, but they will give enormous access to the wisdom of an elderlyperson. It becomes their gift to the rest of us. It becomes our receivedwisdom.Weallcanhavetheprivilegeofleavingadeepandmeaningfullegacy.All

that is required is for those aroundus to ask us the right questions and forthemtoskilfullyelicitourfinalgrandmessagetotheworld.

SummaryWe have looked at how we might enrich conversations that otherwise sitheavily on our shoulders. With pedantic, rather tedious conversationalists,wecanhurrythemupbyaskinggoodquestions.Wecanhelpthemcuttothechaseandfindtheirkeymessage.With children,we can share their delight in fantasy andmagic, drawing

outextraordinarilyinsightfulcommentsbyprobingwiththerightquestions.Theywillcontinuallydelightandsurpriseus.Andfinally,withtheelderly,wecanreminiscewistfullyandidentifytheir

keylearningsfromadeepreservoirofpastexperience.Children are excited by looking forward into the magical future,

unconstrainedbythepracticalitiesoftherealworld.Conversely,theelderlyenjoy looking back, drawing on their wisdom extracted from years ofexperience.The keymessage from this chapter, however, is that we can all become

more tactically astute when talking with others. We can lift up theconversation,andwecancommunicatewithothersonadifferent level.Wecan elicit wisewords from anyonewe choose to ask, andwe can learn somuchfromthemasaconsequence.

ChapterSix

WISDOMRECEIVEDFROMOTHERS

Themostcommon‘aha’experience in life iswhenweheara simple, time-honoured phrase that helps us frame our world view. We often trade the‘receivedwisdom’ofphilosophersandsocialcommentatorswhohavegonebefore.Examplesmight includewell-known individuals suchasConfucius,Plato and Shakespeare. Their legacy lives on in their words, hundreds ofyears after they have died. They had the ability to put words together soeloquently that nothingmore needs to be said.They have captured an ideaperfectly.Manyoftheirphraseshavesincefallenintocommonuse,andwenowfind

ourselves referencing them with ease, often not realising where theyoriginally came from. This is perhaps the greatest achievement of a wiseperson: for their ideas to live on in the minds and language of all whofollow.In addition to such broadly accepted wisdom that is embedded in our

culture,wealsoreceivemorespecificideasfromthoseclosertous.Welearnphrases and everyday sayings from our parents, our role models and ourfavouritemedia stars thathelp toguideourpassage through theworld.Weoftendon’trealisethatthesephrasesorsayingsarenotuniversallytrue,butwetakethemonboardasfacts,orcommonsenserules,bywhichtoliveourlives.Forsomeofus,‘Lifeiswhatyoumakeit’.Forothers,‘Whateverhappens,

happens’.Thesearetwosimpleandequallyvalidtruths,buttheysetupverydifferentperspectivesonlifeandthewaythatweliveit.Itisimportanttonotefromtheoutsetthatforeverysuccinctone-linerthat

waseverwritten, therewillundoubtedlybeacounter truth thatothersholdequallydear to their hearts!Einsteinoncewrote that ‘common sense is thecollectionofprejudicesacquiredbyageeighteen’.

Inthischapterwewillbereviewingthemainsourcesofreceivedwisdomin our lives and thenwewill pause to reflect on the keymessages thatwehavetakenonboardfromeachofthem.

InsightsfromyoureldersAswetravelthroughlifeweallhavetheprivilegeofsharingthejourneyatdifferenttimeswithwisepeople.Theyareexperienced,thoughtfulcharactersandtheyarepreparedtosharetheirwisdomwithus.Sometimestheyoccupyformal roles in our development. Teachers and parents would be typicalexamples.Othersmighthavemorespecificroles,suchassportscoachesandyouthcampleaders.Someare therefor thewhole journey,whileothershaveamore transient

role. Each has their place in mentoring us and helping us see the biggerpicture.We frequently meet up with fellow travellers on the road of life who

simplyseemwise,and fromwhomwecan learnagreatdeal.Theymaybeclassmates, flatmates or team mates. They are usually individuals whodemonstrate a maturity beyond their years. They provide fleetingconnectionswithus that leave a strong impression.For example,wemightreceiveacasualcommentfromsomeonepassingusonthestreetorstandinginaqueue.Itcanseemsoperceptivethatitwillstopusdeadinourtracks.Insightscanbefoundanywhereandtheycanbesurprisinglyprofound.

In the left-handcolumn,writedownthenamesoffivepeoplewhohavebeen the most instrumental in shaping your life. Against their names,write downan inspirational sentence that captures their keymessage toyouaboutlivinglifewell.

InsightfromyourrolemodelsInchildhoodandbeyond,weadoptheroesandrolemodelswhomweadmire.Wedonotusuallyknowthempersonally,buttheyembodyallthatwevaluein life. Theymay have achieved great things, theymay have extraordinarytalents,ortheymayhavequalitiesthatwewishwecouldshare.Ourownaspirationsarereflectedinthelivesofthosewhomweadmire.It

is interesting to pause and reflect on who our heroes have been over theyears.Theywillbeindividualswhoseliveshaveservedasaninspirationtous, andwhose valueswe share.Often they are remembered for one or twospecific quotes about life, and for one or two brief anecdotal events thatsubsequentlyattainlegendarysignificance.ThinkofMartinLutherKingJr:‘Ihaveadream.’Think of John Lennon: ‘Life iswhat happenswhen you’re busymaking

otherplans.’Think ofNeilArmstrong: ‘That’s one small step for aman ... one giant

leapformankind.’We remember Martin Luther King Jr leading civil rights marches. We

remember John Lennon with Yoko, lying in bed for peace.We rememberNeilArmstrongdescendingtheladderfromthespacecapsule.Ourheroeshavetheir time-honouredquotesandimages.Whenanathlete

stands triumphantly upon the podium, the next thing that they say isinvariablytakenasawonderfullyinsightfulgift to therestofus.Theymayseemhumble,arrogantordriven.Andtheirgift to theworldwill invariablyhavebeenpromptedbyasecondquestionaskedbythemedia.Astheybaskinthegloryoftheirtriumph,theywilloftenbeasked‘What

wasthesecrettoyoursuccess?’Therewillbeapause,athoughtfulmomentforreflectionandthentheprofoundinsightwillberevealed.Ironically,whenSirEdmundHillarycamedownfrombeingthefirstman

to climb Mount Everest, the question wasn’t properly asked. He is nowimmortalisedassimplysaying‘Well,weknockedthebastardoff!’Hardlyaninsightful commentbut stillmemorable, as it enshrines the simplehumilityofthemanatthemomentofhisgreatesttriumph.

FivesignificantrolemodelsinmylifeThinkbackoveryour lifeandwritedownthenamesof five individualswho have been key role models for you. They could be sports stars,musicians, politicians or movie stars. Then, in the right-hand column,writedownonewise‘gift’fromthemintermsofhowtolivelifewell.

PrescribedinsightsfrompopularsourcesAnybookshopwillhavea rangeof small inspirationalbookscarryingbriefreflectionsandquotes.Mostnewspaperswill alsopublisha thought for theday.Daily spiritual devotions or one-linemessages displayedonbillboardsoutsidechurchesalloffersimple truths toreflectupon.Theworld is fullofopportunitiestohavean‘aha’momentinspiredbythewisdomofothers.More formal collections of quotes (such asWebster’s Pocket Quotation

Dictionary or The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations) can provide a richsource of inspirational insights into life. Flicking through these referencebooksandpickingoutyourfavouritesayingscanbeagreatwaytospendarainyafternoon.AswesawinChapterOne,manywise,thoughtfulsayingsprevailaround

funerals, loss and grief. A whole industry of insightful one-liners hasevolvedaroundthesepoignantmomentsinlife’sjourney.Theyaremomentswhen people stop to reflect on their journey. They are moments when weappreciateafewwell-chosenlinesonagreetingscard.Similarly, marriage celebrants are full of prescriptive quotes that advise

thecouple,andalsoremindtheassembledwitnesses,of thekeyingredientsthatmake up a happymarriage. Their popular quotes become our personaltruths. They become the rock-solid foundations for our perceptions of the

world.

ThesocialcurrencyofinsightA friend once told me how he had developed a great idea of writingsimplephrasesorproverbsonbanknotes.Hecarriedanindeliblemarkerpenandwouldsitinacoffeebarwritingwisesayingsonanybanknotesthatcametohand.Itwashispartytrickwhenincompany.Hewouldenjoywritingthingssuchas‘Thebestthingsinlifearefree’

or ‘You reapwhatyou sow’on ten-dollarnotes.Hewould imagine thereactionofanyonewhoreceived it later.Theiremotionwouldprobablybebestdefinedaspuzzleddelight.In his own way my friend was freely sharing wisdom and simple

truths.Hewasaddingvaluetoallsubsequentfinancialexchanges.However, it turned out later that technically he was defacing the

currency and itwas a criminal offence.Sopleasedonot be inspired tofollowinhisexample—treatitasawittyanecdote!

InsightsfromtheinternetThe virtual world of internet search engines can provide easy access towebsitesthatoffersimple,insightfulquotes.Wecannowsearchforallkindsofwisdomontheinternetandopportunitieshaveopenedupdramaticallyforustoaccessbigpictureideas.AnexamplemightbetheTEDtalkswebsite(ww.ted.com)thatprovidesa

rich source of insightful thoughts for the day. TED talks (Technology,Entertainment andDesign) areprovidedbyaglobal,nonprofitorganisationdedicatedtopromoting‘ideasworthspreading’.Theyoffer‘rivetingtalksbyremarkablepeople’.ATEDtalkwilltypicallylast20minutesorso,andwillusuallyprovideasuccinctsummaryattheend.Buteveniftheinsightsaren’thanded to you on a platter, it is still easy to take a fewminutes after theconclusion of a talk to ask yourself what the key messages have been. ATEDtalkofwhateverpersuasiontendstobefullofmetaphor,inspiringideasand provides delightful approaches to life. They are free and accessible toall.

Another great opportunity provided by the internet is to follow certainindividuals on Twitter, or to follow people who blog. It is worthwhilechoosing to follow one or two philosophical, spiritual or intellectualbloggers,and toreceive their insightsonadailybasis.DeepakChopra,HisHolinesstheDalaiLama,andStephenHawkingcanallofferusregular‘aha’momentsinthismostaccessibleofways.

Insightsfromliterature/theartsTellmewhatyouread,andI’lltellyouwhoyouare.

FrançoisMauriacMost greatworksof literature and stageplaysprovide fantastic quotes thathave fallen into popular use.They also capture themes and dramatic truthsabout life that we can strongly identify with. Most people will be able toname their favourite book relatively easily, but following this up with thesecond question ‘Why?’ will almost certainly give rise to more deliberaterumination.Werarelystoptothinkaboutwhatappealstousaboutourfavouritebooks

or authors. Sometimes it might be the author’s style (witty, dry, ironic orsensitive). It might be the type of storyline (a thriller, a romance or amystery).Oritmightbetheemotionaltonethatisset.Invariablyweidentifystronglywiththeworldviewofthecentralcharacter.In terms of finding simple truths about life from literature, we probably

need go no further than William Shakespeare to see how powerful thewrittenwordcanbe.His succinctobservationshave seeped intoall aspectsofcontemporarylife.Weallquotehiswisewordsfrequently,oftenwithoutrealisingit.Foraplaywrightwhodiedover400yearsago,Shakespearehasleftaremarkableimpactonusall.Forexample,ononepageofHamlet(ActI Scene III) he scripts Polonius’s advice to Laertes. This brief speechcontains twenty linesofquotablewisdom, and themarvel is that some400yearslater,weprobablyhearsomeaspectofthewisemessagesrepeatedonmostdays!Someofthemostpopularquotesinclude:

‘Givethythoughtsnotongue.’‘Giveeverymanthineear,butfewthyvoice.’‘Neitheraborrowernoralenderbe.’

Andfamously,‘Tothyownselfbetrue.’

All of these nuggety truths are powerful examples of received wisdomfrom literature. It isnoaccident that conceptuallywe thinkof libraries andbooks as the central repository for wisdom. The central storehouse ofknowledge for a civilisation is generally considered to be found in itslibrariesanditsbooks.Librariesrepresenttheaccumulatedwisdomofmanygenerationsovermanyyears.Literaturestillholdsthekeyforourcollectivedatabaseforwisdom.

InsightsfrompoetryPoetry is a form ofwriting that has a particularly strong ability to capturewisdom in a few simplewords. Its strength is in the succinct phrasing andpoignant themes. All successful poetry will capture an idea or offermeaningful insight in justa fewwords.Thepoet’sart is toconnectwithusandtoprovideadelightfulmessageofwisdomtobeshared.A great example of a widely-quoted poem that speaks profoundly for

manyofus is If,writtenbyRudyardKipling in the latenineteenthcentury.Amongthebetterknownlinesare:

IfyoucankeepyourheadwhileallaroundArelosingtheirsandblamingitonyou,Ifyoucantrustyourselfwhenallmendoubtyou,Butmakeallowancefortheirdoubtingtoo;

...YoursistheEarthandeverythingthat’sinit,And—whichismore—you’llbeaMan,myson!

Thispoemoffersusaseriesofwonderfullysimpletruthsabouthowtobeaman,ormorecorrectly,how to live lifewell. It is thegift fromanolder,wisermansharingthesecretsofhowtoliveafulfillinglife.AnotherwidelyquotedsourceofwisdomisDesiderata,writtenin1927by

Americanwriter,MaxEhrmann. It has gained considerable popularity overtheinterveningyears.

Goplacidlyamidstthenoiseandhaste,andrememberwhatpeacetheremaybeinsilence.Asfaraspossibleandwithoutsurrenderbeongoodtermswithallpersons.Speakyourtruthquietlyandclearly;andlistentoothers,eventhedullandtheignorant;theytoohavetheirstory...

Again this lengthy text is crammed full of wise advice, very much in thestyle of Kipling’s poem. In each case we are being offered a series ofmaxims from a wise sage and benefitting from their accumulated lifeexperiences.There aremanyclassic texts fromwhichwecandrawwise advice about

how to live a fulfilling life. Their popular phrases go round and around inconversationalmostwithoutathought.Wecanallpluckourpreferredgemsofwisdomfromthistreasuretroveofsimpletruths.However,weshouldalsoacknowledgethatthereareperceptiveinsightsto

be gained from any book or poem that we read. Wisdom does not sitexclusivelyinthewritingsofthegreatcommunicators.Ifyouenjoyacertaintypeofbookor aparticular author, then it is hugely rewarding to stop andwonderwhyyouaredrawntothem.Andwhatlessonsyoucanlearn.Thesecondofthesetwoquestions,aswehaveseen,willalmostcertainly

openadoortogreaterself-awarenessforyouandwilladdtoyourcatalogueofreceivedwisdom.

Insightsfromwittyone-linersAnother character who is well known for his ability to generate insightfulgems of wisdom is Oscar Wilde. Although primarily a playwright whoseworks contain many quotable lines, he is best remembered for his quick-wittedconversationalstyle.A leading socialite in late nineteenth-century London, Wilde is often

characterisedasbeingthecentreofattentionatfashionableparties,offeringhis opinion on everything and nothing. He was a flamboyant, narcissisticcharacter,forwhomtheworldwastrulyastage.Hisplayswerewellknownfortheirincisivecommentaryonsocialissues.OscarWilde used his quickwit to cut to the heart of an issue.Hemade

wordsdancewithhisclevercontributions toaconversation.Hiswittyone-linetruthswereusuallyexpressedasparadoxicalremarks,expressingexactlythe opposite of what he meant. These are known as epigrams. He is veryquotableanditcanbeagreatpleasuretodrawonhiswisdomatappropriatetimes.Hismorepopularlinesinclude:

‘Experienceissimplythenamethatwegiveourmistakes.’‘Everysainthasapast,andeverysinnerhasafuture.’‘Amanwhodoesnotthinkforhimself,doesnotthinkatall.’‘Keeploveinyourheart.Alifewithoutitislikeasunlessgardenwhentheflowersaredead.’‘Icanresisteverythingexcepttemptation.’‘Anideathatisnotdangerousisunworthyofbeingcalledanideaatall.’

The list simplygoes on andon.OscarWildewas a veritable fountain ofwisdomthatspilledoutintoanyconversationthatinvolvedhim.Notforhimwere thepedantic exchangesof facts or social gossip.Hewouldbe able tolift any tediousdiscussion into theconceptual realm, simplyby interjectingwithawittyepigram.SohowcanweweaveOscarWilde,orsimilarwordsmiths, intoour lives

suchthatwebecomewiseraspeople?Dowehavetorememberhisquotesorstudyhisworkingreatdetail?Ifwehearabrilliantlinethatspeakstous,thenwewillprobablyhavean

‘aha’moment.The flash of the light bulbwill briefly illuminate ourmind.However, unless we take steps to capture the insight and hold it forourselves, themoment passes and we are none the wiser on the followingday.Time, perhaps, to run an inventory over our personal warehouse of

wisdomandseewhatwehaveontheshelves!

WisdomfromliteraryfiguresTo establish where you currently sit in these matters it is useful toanswer the following questions. You may struggle to come up withdefinitive answers to these questions immediately, but if you take thetime to reflect, and maybe research a little, you will be generouslyrewarded.•Whichliteraryfiguresdoyoucommonlyquote?

•Whatareyourfavouritelinesfromliteratureorthearts?

•OfallthelinesthatShakespearewrote,whatwouldbeyourfavourite?

•Andfinally,togivetheexerciseanextraedge,youmightaskyourselfaquick‘secondquestion’:Whyarethesemyfavouritequotes?

InsightsfromthevisualartsHowcanapainterapplyafewbrushstrokesofpaintontoablankcanvasand

createamasterpiece that remains inspirational forhundredsofyears?Whatis it that allows artists to capture a moment in freeze frame and take ourbreath away? Paintings, photographs and simple sketches all have anamazingabilitytoinspireandspeakwiselytous.Thevisualartsprovideuswithagreatwindowontolifefarbeyondthehereandnow.Ifwereadany informedcommentaryaboutaparticularpieceofartwork,

wewill inevitablyhearhowan imagehasastutelycapturedandprojectedaprofoundlyinsightfultruthaboutsomeaspectoflife.For example, there are many diverse opinions about the painting of the

MonaLisa.Wellknownforthesitter’senigmaticsmile,thispaintingmeansdifferent things to different people. For some, it speaks ofmystery. She isbeautiful,butnotinaclassicsense.Thehandslielimpbutfirmlyinherlap.For others, there is a strong afinity with the background scene, reflectingharmonyandconnectionwithnature.Her identity is not known and the subsequent speculation invites us to

wonderwhosheis,whatshethinks,whatshefeelsandwhatshebelievesin.Thesecommentsarenotsimpledescriptionsofthecomposition.Theyare

abstractcommentsthatsuggestbiggerideasbehindthepaintedimage.Theyinvite us to be drawn into the imagery, and to be awakened to a broaderappreciationofthework.Thecomments couldeasilybe re-framedas secondquestions,perhaps in

anarthistoryexam,wherethestudentisasked:

Whatisthekeymessageconveyedbythepainting?Whatdoesherexpressionseemtosuggest?

In our replies to these open-ended invitations, we will reveal far moreaboutourown ideas,valuesandpastexperiences thanwewill ever realise.Thequestionswill extractwisdom fromus.Learning to access anddiscussartwork, tohelpdecide forourselveswhat aparticular item represents, is amajor technique for accessing personal wisdom. A painting is simply amirrorinwhichwecanthoughtfullyobserveourreflectedideas.

InsightsfrommusicMusic has been described as the soundtrack to our lives. The lyrics, the

melodies and the emotional angst remain embedded in ourminds for yearsafterwefirstexperiencedthem.Musichasawayofspeakingtous,andthesongs often capture exactly the personal and social issues of the day.Weidentifystronglywiththeaccessiblemessagesfrompopularculture.For some, it is the joyous trill of a catchy pop song; for others, the

overwhelming despair of the blues. The anger of punk or the achingdisappointmentofcountryandwesternmusicallhaveawayofcuttingrightthrough to the essence of life for each category of fan.Our thoughts abouteverythingthatwefeelcanbecapturedinthetitleofasong.‘I’macountrymusicfan,’speaksvolumesaboutaperson.Theyaretelling

us more than they realise about themselves. Their hopes, dreams, pastexperiencesandvaluesallbecomewrappedupinalabel.Whenweattendaconcert,wecannothelpbutnoticethesimilarityamong

membersoftheaudience,alldrawntotheeventtocelebrateastyleofmusic,with lyrics that capture the essential message. Comfortable, homely typeswillconvergeatafolkfestival,whileageingbabyboomerswillgatheratanEagles concert. Meanwhile, disaffected young rappers will break-dance tohip-hop in the townsquare.Everyone is tuned in to thecollectivevibe thatdefines their particular kind of music. They are all affirming a commonmessageabouttheworldandcelebratingthesharedinsightsasexpressedbytheartistsconcerned.As Bob Dylan mournfully wails that ‘It’s all over now, Baby Blue’,

thousandsofpeopleholdupcigarettelightersinquietacknowledgementofasimpletruth.Heisspeakingforthemandtheywilllaterhumthesonginthecar, sing it in the shower and play it to their friends. Bob’swisdom aboutseparationand loss isbeingcelebratedandpassedaroundbyhis followers,eagerlylookingtosharethemessagewithlike-mindedsouls.Everypopularsongsterhastheirportfolioofquotablesongtitlesorchorus

lines. The Beatles told us that ‘money can’t buy me love’. Dire Straitsassuredusthat‘thereshouldbesunshineafterrain’,andTheRollingStonesreminded us that ‘you can’t always get what you want’. All songs thatprovidewisewordshelpsootheoursouls.RodStewartremindedusthat‘Anod is as good as awink to ablindhorse’,while JohnLennonurgedus to‘Imagine...’The hook phrases of our favourite songs will stay deep in our psyche.

They become our anthems and usually remind us of the core values and

ideals that drove us in our formative years. In quietly reflectivemoments,theycanmakeuscry.Wecan all findgreatwisdom in the songs thatwehear.Songwriters are

thegreatsagesofthetwenty-firstcentury.

WisdomfromyourfavouritesongsIn the table below write down the names of your favourite musicians,yourfavouritesongoftheirsandwhatitmeanstoyou.

Noteanycommonthemesorparticularlysignificant truths that resonateprofoundly for you.What does your musical taste tell you about yourpersonaltakeonlife?

Inlookingoveryourlist,whatthemesdoyounoticeaboutyourchoices?

Whatareyourmusicalinfluencestellingusaboutyou?

Wisdomfromthesilverscreen

WisdomfromthesilverscreenIn a similar way to songs, movies can also have a profound effect on ourlives. While songs provide instant hooks and tunes to capture an insight,moviestendtobuildwithaslowburnuntilthepowerful‘aha’isrevealedatthe end. It isworth noting that themost enduringly successfulmovieswillhaveacatchphraseastheirlegacy;aphraseoraquotethatperfectlycapturessomeaspectofthestoryline.DorothyinTheWizardofOztellsusthat‘there’snoplacelikehome’.Ali

McGrawinLoveStory tellsus that ‘lovemeansneverhaving tosayyou’resorry’.InGonewiththeWind,ScarlettO’Hararemindsusthat‘tomorrowisanother day’. We can all cite our favourite movies and their memorablescenes.Wecanusuallydescribe themainstory,butcanwecapture thekeymessagesthatthemoviehasgivenus?Whatarethefavouritesoundbitesorimagesthatstaywithusforever?

In theboxbelow, listyour favourite threemoviesand try toextract thekeymessages:

Insightsfromcomedy/cartoons(findingthe‘aha’inhahaha)The quick humour of a comedian is a rich source of pithy wisdom. In aflamboyantmoment they can deliver a cutting insight, often using ironyor

biting sarcasm. The humour invariably comes from de-bunking anestablishedtruth,oftenbychampioningtheoppositetruth.Bylaughingatthepunchlineofajoke,weareendorsingtheconclusionas

a satisfying comment that agrees with us. It is a surprising twist onconventionalwisdomandusuallyprovidesplentyoffoodforthought.Aswe all know, there has been ‘many a trueword spoken in jest!’This

truismisthedefiningcharacteristicofpowerfulhumour.Comedyisnotjustasuperficialsilliness,insteaditprovidesanopportunityforustothinkmorecarefully about life and challenges some of the assumptions that wegenerallymake.It is a huge mistake to view comedy simply as entertainment. There is

invariablyastrongmessageembeddedinhumour,oftencapturedbyasimplecatchphraseoraclumsymistake.Whenwethinkaboutwhoareourfavouritecomedians,wemightconsiderwhattheirkeymessagetotheworldcouldbe.By knocking convention or arrogance, for example, they are implicitlypromoting innovation and humility. If the jokes are consistently sexist orracist,whatistherealmessagethatisbeingconveyed?Arewejokingaboutitbecausewebelieveitorbecausewedon’t?Confusingly, the message in most comedy runs exactly counter to the

underlying philosophical position that is being promoted.Often, humour isironicorcynical.Wesayexactlytheoppositeofwhatweactuallymean.Wesay what we don’t mean, in order to ridicule a truth. We are mockingconventional wisdom. We challenge established assumptions about theworld.

Whoareyourfavouritecomedians/comedyshows?

Whatistheirkeytheme/message?

SummaryThere are many ways in which we can acquire wisdom and insight fromothers. This chapter encourages you to reflect upon the key influences inyourown life, and thekeymessages thatyouhave learned from them.Themorethatwecanreferencetheestablishedwisdomofothersinourlife, themorelikelywearetomoveontosparklingnewinsightsofourown.

ChapterSeven

BEINGWISEABOUTTHEWORLDAs we move through life we learn facts and we gain knowledge. Somepeople become very skilled and know a great deal, but often these veryintelligent, learned individuals are not ‘worldly wise’. Although they areknowledgeable, theyseemto lackaconnectionorwiderappreciationof thereal world. They have learned a lot, but they have not developed wisdomthroughtheirexperiences.Most of the examples of wisdom that have been used so far are simple

truths about theworld in general.Weoften use sayings that seem to applygenerally to people’s lives, such as ‘What goes around comes around’ or‘Thebest thingsin lifearefree’.Thesesimple truthshelpus tomakesenseofhowtheworldworks.Wegenuinelybelievethem.Although they initially seem to be objective facts, they are not

scientifically proven truths. They are simply observations about generalpatterns in life, based on an individual’s personal and selective review oftheirpastexperiences.Andifwestoptothinkforamoment,oftenwhatgoesaround doesn’t come around! And some of the best things in life do costmoney!Other people may adopt phrases or sayings that promote exactly the

oppositeworldview.Somemaysaythat‘historyneverrepeatsitself’or‘youonlygetwhatyoupayforinlife’.For every simple truth, there are usually perfectly plausible alternative

truths that other individualsmight use that promote a completely differentperspectiveontheworld.Let’sconsiderwhatsimpletruthsseemmostimportanttouspersonallyin

explaining how the world operates. In doing so we can identify the keyprinciples that we endorse and perhaps wish to broadcast to others. Everytime that you say, ‘life is all about relationships’ or ‘life is all aboutfairness’, you are making a political statement. You are promoting aparticularworldviewthatyouwishtoaffirm.

For somepeople, life ‘is all about being kind to one another’.TheywillsaythiswhenwatchingTV,hearingofafriend’sproblemsorintheheatofan argument. To them, it’s a simple truth, and to them, kindness is theparamountaspectofalifewelllived.If you believe a simple truth to be true, then you should probably be

activelycampaigningforotherstoshareitwithyou.Yourworldlywisdomisthe generic wisdom that you have to offer others and they may thenincreasinglyseekoutcommentsandobservationsfromyou.Sohowdowecaptureourtruthsabouttheworld?Howdoweknowwhich

corebeliefsmakeus‘wise’?Theanswer,ofcourse,istoreflectandtotakethetimetoidentifyphrasesandsayingsthatwecommonlyuse.Somepeoplecandothiseasilyandpossiblyspendtoomuchoftheirtimeofferinggemsofwisdom to others. But for most of us, the skill of capturing a moment byextracting the keymessage in a sentence is a struggle. It is a skill thatweneedtopractise.When we have to write a few words in a card, whether it is a birthday

celebration or a farewell, we often feel stuck forwhat to say.We feel theburdenofexpectationtosharesomethingprofound,andtowritedownafewwisewords.‘Happy birthday’ or ‘I’llmiss you’, can seem a little formulaic in these

circumstances.Far better todrawon a reservoir of thoughtful phrases suchas‘makeeverycandlecount’,or‘partingissuchsweetsorrow’(Shakespeareagain)tosharesomethingdeeperwithyourfriend.Everycardrepresentsanopportunity todiga littledeeperandshareyour

personalwisdomaboutlife.

SimpleobservationsaspotentialinsightsProbably theeasiest formof shared insight is to simplystatewhatyousee.Thisappliesespeciallyifyourobservationistherecognitionofapatternorageneralrule.Ifyoulistentotheconversationofanyinterestingperson,theyinvariablysharesweepingobservationsoftheworldthatprovideinterestingnewanglesonafamiliarsubject.Forexample,onwatchingaflockofbirdspassing,onemightremarkthat

‘It’s interestinghow theyallbehaveasoneconnectedentity.Theyseem toallbepartofasharedconsciousness.’Youwillhavenoideawhatashared

consciousness is or whether it even exists, but the observation about theflock, firmly stated as a fact, carries a profound aura of truth. Othersmaydispute thesewords, but theobservationhas adepthbeyond simple fact. Itopensupconceptualpossibilitiesfarbeyondthehereandnow.Otherexamplesofinsightfulobservationsmightbe:

It’sfunnyhowkidsalwaysbehavesowellwhentheirparentsaren’taround.Sportisalwayssomuchmoregrippingifyouhaveabackgroundstorytotheevent.

These observations are not simple factual accounts of events. They areintriguing generalisations embedded in a casual remark. They say muchaboutlifeasviewedfromtheother’sperspective,andtheyinvitethelistenertoextrapolateoutfromtheobservationandgainnewinsightsintotheirownexperienceoftheworld.Wiseobservationsareoftensimplegiftsandbenefitsthatwereceivefrom

otherswho come from a different perspective. For example, if we pick uphitchhikers when travelling, we often find that their world view is verydifferentfromourown.An apparently vacuous conversation will usually ensue about seemingly

random topics.But somewhere along theway an interesting observation orcommentaboutlifewilloccur.Theinterestusuallyoccursbecauseofapointof difference. It might bemade from a teenage perspective to themiddle-aged, or by a destitute vagrant to a well-heeled businessman. Invariably,afterdroppingoffagratefulhitchhiker,thedriverwillbeleftwithplentytoponderabout thevagariesof lifeand itsmanysplendouredshades.And thesame opportunity for thoughtful reflection and insight also arises for thehitchhiker.To be a detached observer of life is to be wise. To comment

dispassionately on what is happening around you, without judgment orrancourbutwithanairofpersonalconviction,istobewise.Inthismodewearesimplyreflectinginpublicaboutthegeneralpatternsthatwesee.Weareholdingupamirror to theworld,andwearegently invitingothers toshareinourperspective.‘Life can be cruel’, ‘life hasmany twists and turns’, ‘life giveth, and it

taketh away’, ‘there is never a dull day...’ are all examples of very broadcommentsthatcapturegeneralthemestospecificevents.NexttimeyouwatchthenewsonTV,trymakingawistful,nonjudgmental

comment at the end of each item. It won’t be long before you are sighingwisely, ‘Ahhh ... that’s politics for you’ or ‘Is there no end to the lack ofrespect in the world these days?’ You are holding back from the urge toexpressastronglyheldopinionabouteachandeveryindignantstorythat isservedup. Instead,youaresimply reflecting ‘wisely’on theway theworldseems tobeunfolding, andyouarecalmlyextractingabroaderperspectiveoncurrentaffairs.

InsightsfromthestreetWe often hear of characters who are street-wise, implying that despitelacking formal qualifications, they have learned about life throughexperience.Theymighttalkabouthavingtrainedattheuniversityoflife.Streetwisdomisafascinatingconceptasittapsintotheveryheartofour

conceptualisation of wisdom as personal insight gained simply throughexperience.Wedonothavetohavelivedlifeontheedgetobecomestreet-wise.Wehavealldevelopedgreatinsightsabouthowtheworldworksastheyears have passed by. To varying degrees, we inevitably pick up simpleconceptsandideasthatareworthsharingwithothers.

Streetwisdom:ataleofalcoholandwoodManyyearsagoIwasadministeringaformalintelligencetesttoayoungoffender.He’d failedbadlyat school, hadbroken the lawandwasnowapplying his cleverness in a range of antisocialways.Hewas clearly aquick-minded individual, but his life circumstances to date had not ledhim down a very positive path. However, everyone enjoyed his quickhumourandcheekyquipsaroundtheunitwhereIworked.OneofthequestionsontheIQtestwas,‘Inwhatwayarealcoholand

woodthesame?’The correct answer required the respondent to reference the fact that

bothalcoholandwoodcontaincarbon,afactthatmyclientwouldneverhave known. However, he thought hard for a moment before replying

earnestly,‘Well,alcoholandwoodcanbothknockyouout!’Tomyminditwasabrilliant,insightfulanswer,farmoreconceptually

wise than simply regurgitating some fact from the chemistry syllabus.He’dmadeanabstractconnectionthatmadeabsolutesensetohim.Thescoringprotocolsforthetestdidnotallowmetocredithimwitha

‘correct’answer.Tomethisseemednonsense.Myclienthadfoundandarticulatedhisowntruth—onethatresonatedmorestronglyforhimthananyformalacademictruth.Sadly,westilldonothaveapsychometrictestthatadequatelyassesses

streetwisdom.

TaxidriverwisdomTaxidriversareprobablythemostcelebratedpurveyorsofstreetwisdomintheworld.Theywillhaveanopiniononeverything,andtheyhavelearnedtocuttothechase,beingexpertsinholdingbrief,succinctconversations.Nexttimeyouaretakingataxiintotownfromtheairport,orbacktoyour

hotel, try asking them a second question. For example, you might ask:‘What’sthebigissuearoundtownatthemoment?’‘Thelocalcouncilisspendingmillionsofdollarsonasportscomplex’or

‘There’saplantobuildahotelonconservationland’mightbethereply.‘Andwhydoyouthinkthatit’ssosignificantforthelocalpeople?’could

beyoursecondquestion.And the answer, whatever it is, will almost certainly involve a wise

observationaboutpeopleandaboutlife.We can all remember times when a passer-by has dropped a stunning

simple truth into a brief conversation with you. You may have been in awaiting room, on a bus or in a queue. It would be a time when you werestruckspeechlessbyacommentthatmadesomuchsensethatyouwonderedhowitcouldpossiblyhavebeenutteredbysuchanordinaryperson!Thisistheessenceofstreetwisdom.Ifyouseek,youwillsurelyfind.

Wisemottos

WisemottosMottosaresimplephrasesthatreferencecorevaluesandhavestoodthetestof time. As such, they have become accepted as general truths about theworld.Often, theyhavebeen translated fromLatin.They carry an inherentsenseofwisdomabouthowtobeintheworld.Mottosareoftenassociatedwithorganisationsandcollegesanddeclarea

founding principle that all graduates are expected to carry forward in theirlives. In a similar way, modern organisations will often use strap lines orfamiliar phrases to promote their brand. The phrasewill represent the corevalues or the purpose of the company, and provide a catchy way ofrememberingwhattheyareallabout.Examplesofmottos forcolleges,universitiesandwiseplacesof learning

include:

Truthconquersall(Veritasomniavincit).Outofdarknesscomeslight(Extenebrisvenitlux).Fortunefavoursthebrave(Audacesfortunaiuvat).Throughwork,wereachtheheights(Perarduaadalta).

T-shirts,fridgemagnetsandcarbumperstickersEven stupid people sometimes take the time to share wise words withothers.Theymaynotrealiseit,butwhentheychoosetodisplayafridgemagnetthatsays‘Allyouneedislove’,theyaresayingsomethingquiteprofound.Likewise,T-shirts,graffittiorbumperstickersproclaiming‘Justdoit

NOW’or‘Makelovenotwar’canbeinspirationalforothers.

MypersonalmottoIfyouhadapersonalmotto,whatwoulditbe?

Howcanyoureferenceitmorefrequentlyinyourlife?

SpiritualinsightsAllreligionsprovidearichsourceofwisdomwithregardtolivinglifewell.RegardlessofwhetherweareChristian,Buddhist,Muslim,Hinduoratheist,we can often relate to the fundamental creed expressed as a conciseformulationofhowlifeshouldbe.Everyreligionhasitsfounder/leadersand

they are universally accepted for their wisdom. They invariably offer theirkeyinsightsassimpleinspirationalphrases.Forexample:

Jesus:Seekandyoushallfind.Buddha:Itisbettertotravelwellthantoarrive.Mohammed:Theinkofthescholarismoresacredthanthebloodofthemartyr.Krishna:Becompassionateandgentle.Showgoodwilltoall.

In addition to prescribingmoral codes for living aworthy life, religionswill also help us to capture themes that we might otherwise struggle toexpressforourselves.Theprophetscanprovidearichsourceofwisdom,butseemtohavefallenoutoffavourinrecenttimes.However,churchservices,spiritualgatheringsandreligious textsstillofferagreatopportunity toheartheirsuccinctwisdom.Itisnoaccidentthatwestillrefertoan‘aha’momentasanepiphany,referencingPaul’sblindingmomentontheroadtoDamascusmanyyearsago.Often, it is only when we are at our most needy that we look for these

simple spiritual truths. Religious ‘aha’ experiences can be profound andoftensetindividualsonalifelongpathofself-discovery.Spiritualfollowersare asking big-picture second questions about life, the universe andeverything,andareseekingwiseanswersinthewordsoftheprophets.It is extraordinary, and just a little sad, to think about howmarginalised

spiritualquestioninghasbecome. In themodernworldofconsumerismandtelevisedsport,weseemtohavebeenreducedtoalifeoffactualinformationandcheapsensorypleasure.The‘why’questionsandthe‘what’sitallabout’questionsallgetleftinthetoo-hardbasket.Thesedayswearenotencouraged to thinkabout thebiggerpictureor to

debate some of the bigger moral and philosophical questions that haveconfrontedusformanygenerations.Sundaysarenolongersetasideasdaysofrestandquietreflection.Hereisyourchancetostopandconsiderwhether there isaplaceinyour

life for a greater spiritual awareness. If so, then howwould it look?Whatkeyinsightscanwegainfromdifferentreligionsandwhatfeelsrightforus?Oneplacewherespirituality intersectsnicelywith thesecularworld is in

the quoting of phrases with an apparent religious source. The SerenityPrayer, much loved by Alcoholics Anonymous and all related groups thatchallengeaddictions,asks:

God,grantmetheserenitytoacceptthethingsIcannotchange,ThecouragetochangethethingsIcan,Andwisdomtoknowthedifference...

It is awidely accepted prayer that applies to a huge number of difficultsituations in life. It was written by an American theologian, ReinholdNiebuhr, in 1943 and is actually a contraction of the first verse of a farlengthier prayer. Its real strength lies in its concise summation of a simpletruthabouthowtolivelifewell.Thechallengethesedaysistore-discoveratemplateforlifethatprovides

aguideforliving;apersonalmoralcodetolivebyandasetofsimpleideasthatanchorourexperience.Formalreligionsusedtoprovideusallwithjustsuch a code, but these days, religiouswisdom seems to be slipping furtherand further from the centre stage. Quasi spiritual leaders such as EckhartTolle orDeepakChopra have sprungup amonguswithwise philosophicalperspectives,butoftentheyaresimplyreworkingandreframingestablishedideas. There are simple truths about the big spiritual picture that transcendanyparticularcode.Thesedayswecanpickandwecanchoose.

TheTenCommandmentsFor hundreds of years, the Jewish/Christian faith has promulgated the TenCommandments as the ten simple rules for life. Theywere usually learnedverbatim, and burned into the conscience of believers as absolute truths.Theywereoriginallywritteninstone.Andmostofustodaywouldstillagreethat fundamentally, we should all adhere to these Christian values. TheCommandmentsarelistedbelow:

1. Thoushalthavenoothergods.2. Makenogravenimagesorlikenesses.3. ThoushaltnottaketheLord’snameinvain.4. RemembertheSabbathday.

5. Honourthyfatherandthymother.6. Thoushaltnotkill.7. Thoushaltnotcommitadultery.8. Thoushaltnotsteal.9. Thoushaltnotbearfalsewitness.10. Thoushaltnotcovetthyneighbour’spossessions.

Many of the commandments are written in a negative form, prescribingwhatweshouldnotdo.Eachreferencesanunderlyingmoralweaknesstobeaddressed. If stated positively, however, they become statements thatprescribefundamentalhumanvalues.

The traditional appraisal of the commandments as a simple list ofinstructions or rules about life can easily be developed further andbrought to life by asking more challenging second questions. Forexample:• If you were to review the list above, what is the most personallysignificantcommandmentforyou?

•Ifyoucouldtranslatethewordsofyoursignificantcommandmentintoa‘simpletruth’toguideyouinmodernlife,whatwoulditsay?

•Whatistheparamountcommandment?Andwhy?

•Whichcommandmentresonatesleastwithyou?Whatistheunderlyingprinciple?Whatcanitteachyouaboutliftingyourgame?

ParablesMany simple spiritualmessages are conveyedby short stories or anecdotesknown as parables. Parables offer instructive lessons that illustrate auniversalprincipleortruth.Parablesareaboutmoraldilemmasandhowtheyaresolved. In theChristian tradition, theyarestories thatJesus told tohelpothers understand his messages about life. Underpinning each parable is asimple truth,whichoftencomesasaprofound‘aha’momentfor thosewhohearthemtold.Parables,likechildren’sstories,aregreatvehiclesforsharingwise,enduringmessages.Each parable has a simple message to send, and if we ask the right

questions about their subtext, we will usually be rewarded with personalinsights.

Think about your favourite parable or find one that appeals to you andhowyouliveyourlife.Writeitdownandthinkaboutthemessagethatitconveys.

Myfavouriteparableis:

Whatlessondoesitteachusaboutlife?

SummaryIn this chapter we have reviewed many sources of wisdom that we haveacquired about the world over the years.We have looked at how personalaphorisms,mottos, casual observations, streetwisdom, and spiritual guidescan all build a reservoir of personalwisdom for us.We learn to see broadpatternsandthemesthatoccurinlife—themesthatwecanexpecttorolloutinourpersonallivesandinthelivesofthosearoundus.There is much to be gained by simply looking within ourselves and

becomingmoreawareofourpersonalwisdom.Inmanyways,thisreservoirof experience is the basic platform that allows us to operate confidently inthecomplexworldthatweinhabit.Weoweittoourselvestobecomeasknowledgeableaswecanintheways

of theworld,and todevelopamoreastuteanddiscerningunderstandingof

human affairs.We need to challenge ourselves to become smarter—and tobecomemoreworldlywise.

ChapterEight

BEINGWISEABOUTRELATIONSHIPS

Whenwe think about theworldwe tend to think about the physicalworldaround us, and the common observations that we can all share about life.Wisdomabouttheworldissomethingthatisoutthereandcanbeobjectivelydiscussedwithothers.Conversely,wisdomaboutourselves (moreof this inthenextchapter)isinsideus,andisprivateanduniquetous.However, there is a bridge between the outside world and our private

world.Thisbridgeisthelinkbetweenpeopleand,formanyofus,thereisasimple truth/belief about life that states: ‘The quality of a person’s life islargelydependentonthequalityoftheirrelationships’.Ourrelationshipwithothersisakeyfactorthatdetermineshowfulfilling

our life will be. Without a stable family background and an affirmingnetwork of friends, life can become very difficult. Becoming wiser aboutmanaging relationships is clearly a significant part of everyone’s lifejourney.There is a wealth of popular wisdom about relationships and what key

factors drive fulfilment in this aspect of life. Marriage counsellors,celebrantsandministerswilloftensuggestsimpleguidelinestocouplesforahappylifetogether.Examplesofsimplemaximsabouthowtorelatewelltoothersinclude:

Neverletthesungodownonanargument.Liveeverydayasifit’syourlast.Neverloseyoursenseofhumour.Makeeverydayafunday.Aboveallelse,bekindtoeachother.Celebrateandrespectyourdifferences.

Whetheryouaremarriedornot,orhavebeeninlong-termrelationshipsor

not,youwillhaveyourownideasaboutwhatahealthyrelationshipwilllooklikeandwhatthekeyqualitiesofafulfillingrelationshipwouldbe.When people are asked, ‘What is the most important thing in life?’ the

most common answer is ‘Family’. If we then ask, ‘Why is familyimportant?’, several factors become immediately apparent. Themajority ofour social needs aremet by familymembers and it is here thatwe usuallyfeelsecureandnurtured.Familybecomesthesafehavenforustoreturntoifweneedto.Itisalsowhereourvalueshavebeenshapedandwhereourbasicphysicalneedshavebeenmet.Inourfamiliesoforigin,welearnourbasicwisdomaboutinteractingwith

others. It is no wonder that a stable family background becomes the basicplatformforafulfillinglife.Conversely, mistrusting, abusive, neglectful or critical relationships in

childhoodwillallcontributetoawiderangeofpresentingproblemslateron.Beingwise aboutmanaging relationships is an important life skill, and thetopicdeservestimeforthoughtfulreflection.

JamesmeetshisstepmotherontheroadtoDamascus

James’s mother died when he was fifteen. His father subsequently re-married and a stepmother came into James’s life. He was an idealisticyoungmanwho found himself embroiled in a series of clashes aroundeverything fromwashingup topolitics.He found it difficult to tolerateher.Some three years later, on a personal development retreat, he shared

his frustrationswith thewidergroup.Amongallof thesuggestionsandadvice,oneparticipant’scommentsstoodout.Shesimplysaid,‘Infamilies,everyoneonlytriestodowhattheythink

isforthebest.’For James, in the heightened atmosphere of a retreat, these words

struck home. He reports a blinding ‘aha’ moment, following which hereturned home and made a peace with his stepmother that has lastednearly40years.He still feels an emotional reaction when describing this revelation.

Something profound had shifted in hisworld view.A simple truth hadfallen into place that lifted him above the battles of the day. In amoment,hehadbecomewiseraboutmanagingfamilyrelationships.

Relationships provide the best opportunities to actively live out our livesaccording to our stated values. Interestingly, most of the common valuescarryan implicit reference tootherpeople.Values suchasrespect,honestyand kindness all require another person to be the recipient of ourbeneficence, and they provide the essential platform for relating well.Weneed to be clear aboutwhatwe offer andwhatwe expect to receivewhenrelatingtootherpeople.

MykeyvaluesinrelatingwelltoothersInorderofpriority, listbelowthethreeessentialvalues thatyouexpectto find ina relationship.Values thatyouoffer toothersandvalues thatyouwouldhopetoseeintheirbehaviourtowardsyou:1.

2.

3.

Now close your eyes and think of someone to whom you are close.Imagine that you are simply sitting quietly, facing each other. Breathedeeplyand imagine thatwitheachbreath,youareradiatingyourvaluestowards them. Broadcast those values with sincerity. Hold on to thatimageuntilyoufeeltrulyconnected,andthenopenyoureyes.Noticetheincreased feeling of integrity and vitality to the relationship. You areaccessing the basic platform of valueswhich you ideallywish to carryintoeveryinterpersonalsituationthatyoucomeacross.

Whenwe interact according to a set of healthypersonal values,we engage

effectivelywithothers.Butifwebullyandthreaten,oractirresponsiblyandimpulsively, then we are out of balance with healthy values. Bullies mayachievetheirobjectivesintheshortterm,butloseengagementinthelongerterm.Conversely, invitations to irresponsibilitymay initially seem like funand get engagement in the short term, but there is no sense of purpose ormeaningtotherelationshipinthelongerterm.Awisepersonshouldinteractrespectfullyandhonestly,assumingabasic

equalityofopinionbetweentwopeople.Theyshouldrespectdifference.Thesense of curiosity and empathy that is inherent to the Socratic questioningstyle(seeChapterTwo)shouldbereflectedinthisapproach.Giving advice, feeling sorry, judging or challenging the contributions of

others is not the behavioural style of awise person.The underlying valuesmaybewell-intentioned,but these tacticsdonot support effectivepersonalgrowthfortheotherpersoninthelongerterm.

CommitmenttoasharedvisionA cornerstone to any relationship is the concept of commitment. A lack ofcommitmenttoone’spartnerwillalwaysbeaconcern,whileconversely,theburdenofcommitmentcanfeeloverwhelming.Commitment is often defined retrospectively as a promise made years

earlier, perhaps in a church.As time passes, it can feel increasingly like aconstraintoralimitationonfutureoptions.Alternatively, if commitment is defined in terms of a commitment to a

shared future vision, it becomes a relationship enhancer. It feels lighter,provides inspiration and brings energy to the relationship. They are boundnotbyacontractthattheyhavesignedbutbyasharedfuturedream.For couples, sharing a common sense of purpose is the glue that binds

them together. Shared ambition is a vitally important aspect of anysustainablerelationship.Itgivesthepartnershipmeaning.Itisrareforacoupletostopanddeliberateupontheircommonpurposein

life. They are usually so busy getting on with the practicalities of dailychores that they can only cite job promotions, bigger houses, and financialsecurity as their common goals. But these goals in themselves are notsufficientlyfulfillingtojustifyalifetimeofcommitmenttooneanother.

Couplesneedtoreflectmoredeeplyaboutwhattheyareaboutasacouple.Theyneed to ask themselveswhere theyaregoing, andwhy.Theyneed toaskasharedsecondquestionofthemselves.

OursharedvisionThis exercise is a good one to sharewith your partner or a significantperson in your life. Take some time together to answer the followingquestions.•Whatattractedustoeachother?

•Whatdowehopetoachievetogether?

•Wheredoweseeourselvesintenyears’time?

•Inasentence,whatisoursharedvision?

Answering thesequestionswill quickly identify a senseof purpose andmeaning to your relationship. If you struggled to answer, then there isclearlymoreworktobedoneandmorethoughtfulquestionstobeasked!

EffectivecommunicationA key component to any relationship is communication. The ability tocommunicatewellisafundamentalskillinrelatingtoothers,andwetendtolearn it by modelling ourselves on the style of those around us. Knowingwhatinformationtoshare,howtoshareitandwhentoshareit,areallsubtlebutessentialjudgmentsthatwearecontinuallyrequiredtomake.Thereisgreatwisdomrequiredtogetyourmessageacrosseffectively.We

need to be clear, succinct and structured.Weneed to pitch ourmessage intermsthatthelistenerunderstands.Weneedtolistentotheirresponses.Weneed to set an appropriate emotional tone and keep focused on the desiredoutcome.It has been said that the golden rule of communicating well is to

communicate to others as you wish to be communicated to. However, theplatinumruleofcommunicationistocommunicatewithothersastheywishtobecommunicatedwith.Someliketheirmessagesstraightandtothepoint.Otherslikeasofterapproach.Somelikethepersonaltouch,whileothersliketodiscussthingsasagroup.Someliketotalk,whileotherspreferawrittensummary.In personal relationships we are usually communicating one on one,

verbally,andwedon’tgenerallybeataroundthebush.

DiscoveringyourcommunicationstyleTo clarify your personalwisdom about communication styles, consideryouranswerstothefollowingquestions.

• What, in your opinion, is the key component to effectivecommunication?

•Whatisyourfavouritesayingaboutcommunicatingwell?

•Whatareyourpersonalstrengthsincommunicating?

•Whatareasmightneedsomework?

Wise individuals communicate calmly and succinctly. They offer theircontributions with respect and for the benefit of the listener. They do notgrandstand or force their opinions on others. They simply float ideas and

possibilities,lettingthewordsspeakforthemselves.Wise words are not up for debate. They are delivered as a gift, to be

acceptedthoughtfullyorrespectfullysetaside.Anindividual’struthmaynotnecessarilybeauniversal truth,but theyare sharingan idea thatworks forthemandprobablyhasvalueforotherstoconsideraswell.

ResolvingconflictConflict between people is a common reason for seeking guidance from awiseperson.Differencesofopinioncaneruptsuddenlyandunpredictablyinanyrelationship.Becauseweareseeingthesituationfromourownparticularpointofview,wearenotnecessarilyinthebestplacetotakeadispassionateoverview.Aroundconflict, theacceptedguidelineisalwaystopullupfromthe specifics, and to consider the bigger picture. To pull back and find ahigherlevelofagreementthatbecomestheplatformfordiscussion.Inlegalproceedingsaroundrelationshipbreak-upsandseparation,ajudge

mightwellaskaseriesofsecondquestionsthatinviteacombativecoupletopauseandreflectuponwhatcommongroundtheyhave.Soofteninconflict,the focus is on the points of difference, and thewider points of agreementare ignored. Inaddition,we tend topolariseopinions inaheateddebatebyreactingtoeachother’spointofview.Themoreapartnerwants to spendmoney, themore theotherwill try to

save. The tougher a parentwould like to be, the softer the other becomes.Theyareoftensimplytryingtobringasenseofbalancetothesituation.Thekeyroleofamediatoristoaskquestionsthatre-focusthediscussion

on future-oriented possibilities, rather than indulge in a retrospectivediscussion of fault and blame. Focusing on the creation of a future plan isalwaysthebestwayoutofadispute.Judges are well-respected as the ‘wise owls’ that they are. Although

guidedbycaselaw,oftentheyarecalledupontoexercisetheirdiscretioninresolvingaconflict.Inmanycases,theyaremakingdecisionsonthebasisofwhat they have experienced both professionally and personally. Theirwisdom is simply the wisdom of their experience, but their questions willlargelyfocusonthewayahead.

Resolvingasimpledispute

ResolvingasimpledisputeThinkof a small example of current conflict in your life. Summarise itbrieflyhere.

Nowconsiderthefollowingsecondquestions:•Whatvaluesdoyouhaveincommonwiththeotherperson?

•Whatpointsofagreementdoyoushare?

•Whatwouldasuitablecompromiselookliketosomeonelookingin?

• How can you both move forward with a sense of dignity and self-

respect?

Conflicts occur all the time in our lives. They are an inevitable part ofthejourney.Wehavetodealassertivelywiththemtomakesurethattheystayasmolehills,notmountains,inourlives.

Problems invite us to focus in on the situation and to become overlyanalytical.However,theconverseskillofpullingbackandreflectingonthebiggerpictureiscrucial.Howmanytimeshavewebeenstucksearchingfora solution toaproblem,only to see theanswerwhenwegiveupandstop?It’sattimeslikethesethat‘aha’momentsoccur.Thequalityofourliveswillliftupappreciablyasweseethebiggerpicture.

MakingtimetohavefunEvery healthy relationship requires us to enjoy being with each other.Whether we are talking about work teams, sports teams or personalrelationships,weneedtobeabletorelaxandlaughtogether.Thechemistryand connection that comes from shared humour and appreciation of life’spleasuresiscrucial.It’s about just being together rather than doing things together. The

honeymoon period in any relationship involves fun and indulgent pleasure.Foolingaroundisamuchunder-valuedactivityinthisachievement-orientedage.Weexpectourselvestobepurposefulandgoal-orientedallthetime,andchatting aimlessly about family matters or the local news of the day isgenerallyfrownedupon.Timeismoneyandwedon’tallowourselvestoletitslipthroughourfingers.However, walks on the beach, leisurely lie-ins, and meaningless phone

callsallhavetheirplace.Thesenseofconnectionbetweenpeoplegenerallyoccurs at exactly those times defined by a lack of purpose.Whenwe stop

together to reflecton life,wearecelebratingour sharedexperienceandwefeelcloserforit.Imagine being on a cycle tour with a friend. You pedal fast for several

hours through the most amazing countryside. You are exhilarated andbreathless.It’sagreatride.However,it’sonlywhenyoustopforlunchortoadmire the view, that you can appreciate the shared moment. Yourmomentumislost,butthesenseofconnectionhasincreased.Youarebeing,notdoing.

Areyouconnectinginyourrelationships?•Doyouhaveahealthybalanceofbeinganddoinginyourrelationship?

•Doyoumaketimeforsharedreflection?

•Whatareyourbestpointsofagreement?

•Whatareyourbiggestchallenges?

Good relationships always make time for sharing quality time together.Whetherwearesharingthequietersanctuariesinlifeorthemoreexuberantplaygrounds,wefindadeeperconnectbylettinggoofourdrivetoachieve,focusinginsteadonenjoyingthehereandnowwitheachother.

Whatislove?Love is an abstract concept. You cannot see, touch or hear love. By itsnature,lovecanonlybeunderstoodbyaskingourselvessecondquestions.Itis a dull and tragic life where definitions of love are not sought out andshared.Itiswhatholdsusalltogether.Wecanbeblindedby love,andwecanbeguidedby love.Wehope that

‘lovespringseternal’andsometimes,whenwelookaround,wecan‘feelthelove’.Popularsongswilltellusthat‘loveisintheair’,orthat‘allyouneedislove’.Many inspirational quotes and homilies make reference to love.We are

often given advice on how to find love and how to cherish it. We areencouraged to embrace the experience andwe look forwise counselwhenlove is lost.Many,many inspirational quotes offer sage advice about love.But there is a universal question thatwe all face at some stage in our life:‘Whatislove?’Comingfromapositionofloveinrelationtotheworld,andinourattitude

tootherswhooccupy the samespace, is a laudableambition. Ifwecarryagenerosityofspirittowardsothers,thenwewillalsofeelgoodinourselves.Theloveoffamilyandfriendssurroundsuslikeawarmcloak.Weshould

savourtheconceptandnurtureitsplaceinourlives.Whenweare in love it feelsas ifweare trulyconnectedasonewith the

other.Weareaflamewithpositivefeelings.Itisagreatplacetobe.Similarly, being loved is awonderful experience. Feeling thewarmth of

another’saffectionisaverycomfortingemotion.Parents,familyandfriendscan all step in to provide this fundamental sense of being nurturedemotionally.Conversely,ifwedon’tfeelloved,wekeenlyfeelitsabsenceinourlives.Whenwereflectontimesthatwehavebeeninlove,wecanstarttocome

up with answers for ourselves in understanding love. Try the followingexercise.

ThemeaningofloveThinkbacktoatimewhenyouwereheadoverheelsinlove.Rememberhow it felt. It may have been a teenage romance; it may have been achildhoodtoyorteddybear;oritmayhavebeenfeltatthebirthofyoursonordaughter.Askyourselfsomesecondquestionsaboutlovebecausebeingclearaboutyourpersonaldefinitionofloveisagreatsteptowardsadeeperappreciationoflife.Wiseindividualsunderstandthemeaningoflove.•Howdidyoufeel?

•Whatdidyounoticeaboutyourself/theworldaroundyou?

•Inwhatwaywereyourthoughtsdifferentfromusual?

•Whatdoeslovemeanforyou?

Beingclearaboutyourpersonaldefinitionofloveisagreatsteptowardsadeeperappreciationoflife.Wiseindividualsunderstandthemeaningoflove.

Whenwe are in lovewith life,we are truly living at the top of our game.Radiatingaloving,beneficentattitudewillusuallybereturnedinkind.Andwhenwecanlearntoloveourselves,thenwearetrulyexperiencingwhatlifeisallabout.‘Without love, there is nothing’—this simple truth emphasises the

universallyacceptedimportanceoflove.Whenwelosealovedone,ourgriefis an aching reminder of the importance of love. Without love, life feelsempty,lonelyandhollow.

YourpersonalsecretstoahappyrelationshipEverydaywereadinthepaperaboutacouplecelebrating50or60yearsofmarriage.Thereisusuallyacosyphotographofthemcuddlingandsmiling,accompanied by the story of how they met (usually at a dance) and thehistoricaldetailsoftheirlifetogether.But then always, absolutely always, the reporter will hit them with a

secondquestion:‘Whatisyoursecrettoahappymarriage?’Theanswersareoften formulaicand reasonablypredictable.Values such

as forgiveness, tolerance and honesty always feature strongly. A sense ofhumour also seemsmandatory.Wewill also often hear the simplemaxim:‘Neverletthesungodownonanargument’.Although trite, the following simple exercise can give us considerable

foodfor thought.Ifyouwere tobeaskedaboutyourownsecret toahappyrelationship,whatwouldyou say?What isyourpersonalwisdom,acquiredovertheyears,aboutrelatingwelltoothers?

MykeyinsightsaboutrelatingwelltoothersOfallthethingsthatI’veheardorreadaboutrelationships,thefollowingthreesimpletruthsarethemostsignificant:1.

2.

3.

These are my personal secrets to a happy relationship, and they aresecretsthatIamhappytoshare.

SummaryIn this chapter, we have looked at our personal wisdom regardingrelationships.Wehaveconsideredtheusefulnessofseekingclearerpersonaldefinitionsof someabstractconcepts suchascommitment and love, andwehavealsolookedatwhatvaluesseemmostimportanttousinmaintainingahealthyrelationship.Wehavenotedtheneedforpartnershipstohaveasenseofcommonpurposeandaclearlyarticulatedsharedvision.We have also looked at three key relationship issues concerning a)

effectivecommunication,b)theresolutionofconflict,andc)theimportanceof spending quality time together. Each of these reviews providesopportunities to learn something new about ourselves—to gain deeperinsightintohowwerelatetoothers.Wehavebrieflystrayedintothewonderfulworldoftryingtodefinelove,

but righted the ship by finally asking ourselves the biggest and mostformulaic question of all: What is our personal secret for a happyrelationship?Theanswerisobviouslynotreallyasecretassuch.It’sjustasimpletruth.

Andinvariablyitissimple.Andinvariablyitistrue.

ChapterNine

BEINGWISEABOUTYOURSELFKnowing oneself and one’s personal values is the cornerstone of self-confidenceandself-esteem.Thereisaninherentstabilityandauthorityaboutsomeone who knows who they are. They carry themselves with an air ofcalmself-assurance.Beingabletowalkthroughlifeonaplatformofwisdomisanempowering

experience. In order to do this, we need to have asked a series of secondquestionsofourselves.WeneedtobeabletoanswerseveralvariationsofDrFoster’sGoodQuestion. Insteadof thinking about other people, or perhapstheworldingeneral,thistimeweneedtofocusonourselves.Weneedtoaskourselves,‘Havinglivedlifethusfar,whathaveIlearnedaboutmyself?’We shall be looking at our self-image and will be considering how to

construct a positive view of ourselves that celebrates our strengths andpersonal characteristics.We shall be affirming our self-knowledge and ourself-esteem.Essentially, we shall be addressing one of life’s most fundamental

questions...thequestionthatasks:WhoamI?The exercises in this chapter cannot be completed quickly and initially

may seem toodauntingor toooverwhelminglyvast to answer.Youwill beinvited to reviewawide rangeof factors thathave influencedyour lifeandtoconsiderhowtheyhaveshapedyourpersonalidentity.Youcandwelldeeplyoneachquestion,lookingforaperfectreply,oryou

can jump inwith the firstanswer thatoccurs toyou.Wisdomcanbe foundusing either kind of response style—the deliberate or the spontaneous.Themainthingistodistilthekeymessagesandlearningsthatyouhavereceivedinyour life so far andgeneratea summaryof themost significantpersonaltruthsthatresonatewithyou.When these truths are brought together, you will develop a far more

structuredsenseofthepersonyoufeelyoureallyare.

Our identity and self-image is shaped by many factors. Following areseparateinfluencesthathelptodetermineoursenseofself.

Messagesfromyourfather(orfatherfigure)Takea fewminutes to remember situations thatyouhave sharedwithyourfather in the past. Clear your mind and allow images to surface of timeswhen you have been together. Remember some special moments that youshared.Even though hemay not have saidmuch,whatwas it about you that he

enjoyed?Whatdidhevalue inyou thatmadehimproud? Imaginewhathemight say if asked to describe the best aspects of your personality. Writeyouranswerinthespaceopposite.Yourfather’squotes:

ThethingthatIlikemostaboutyouis:

OfallthethingsthatI’vetoldyouaboutlivinglifewell,themostimportantthingtorememberis:

Messagesfromyourmother(ormotherfigure)

Now repeat the exercise for yourmother. Settle back and take the time toremember timeswhen youwere together.As an infant, a child, a teenagerand beyond. Remember the conversations that you’ve had, and rememberwhataspectsofyourpersonalityshevaluedandthatmadeherproud.Also, try toextract thekeymessagethatyourmotherwouldwishtogive

youabout livinglifewell.Perhaps imagineherfinalfarewell toyou,whereshe has one last chance to emphasise her advice. Complete the followingsentences.Yourmother’squotes:

ThethingthatIlikemostaboutyouis:

Morethananything,don’teverforgetthatthemostimportantthinginlifeisto:

MessagesfromyourfamilyLookbackandrememberthekeyvaluesthatwereinherentinyourfamilyoforigin.For some families, the emphasis isonmutual support andkindness.Forothers,thekeydriversmightbecompetitionandsuccess.Fun, service to others, self-reliance, curiosity. What were the defining

characteristicsthatwereencouragedbyyourfamilywhenyouwereachild?Completethefollowingsentences.

Myfamilyencouragedmetobe:

Wewerealltaughttobe:

Ifourfamilyhadamotto,itwouldbe:

ReflectingonyoursocialidentityIf you widen the analysis to think more broadly than just your familyinfluences,youwillbeaware that there isalsoasocialandculturalcontextto your identity. Your family of origin occupied a certain place in society

and, as such, carried certain values.Youmay now find yourself living outthosevaluesorperhapsshiftingtoasocialrolethatsuitsyoubetter.Familieswherethemainincomeisdrawnfromabusinesswillprobablybe

promoting social ideals such as ambition and achievement. These are thestories that are shared during family meals. But if the breadwinners areprofessionals, such as lawyers or doctors, then they will be probably bepromoting academic excellence and ethical standards. And for thoseworkinginthesocialservicesorgovernmentsector,thentheemphasismightbeonsocialfairnessandequality.For individuals in straightforward employment at an hourly rate, their

valueswill probably revolve around the importance of reliability and soliddependability. Alternatively, for thosewho depend onwelfare support, theadded sense of desperation might focus the key lifestyle message onacceptance of life’s twists and turns, and learning tomake themostof anyopportunitiesthatarise.As we swim through the different social currents in society, we tend to

adopt the world view of our own particular stream. It is important not tostereotype thebeliefsofeachsector,butnonethelesswecannothelpbutbeinfluencedby thedifferingprevailingattitudesandbeliefsofourparticularsocialnetwork.Considerthefollowingquestions:

Whatisthemostobvioussimpletruthaboutlifethatissharedbyyoursocialnetwork?Whatdoyoucollectivelyvalue?

Whatpersonalvariationsmightyoudecidetomaketothisgeneraltruth?

One of themore interesting aspects of reflection is to realise that differentpoliticalbeliefs, social perspectives andcommunityopinions are all simplycollectiveassumptions.Theyseemsotruewhenwetalk,buttheyaresimplya lens throughwhichwe all choose to see theworld. It is this diversity ofassumed truths that makes election time so interesting in a democraticsociety.

TheinfluenceofyournationalidentityIfwewiden out the analysis of our inherent lifestyle values beyond socialinfluence,wecanconsidernational identity.Everynationhasa stereotypicimageor characteristic that espouses certain values.For example, there aresome countries where the people are considered to be hard-working andothers where the people are more relaxed. Some nationalities are seen asdoggedly persistent,while others tend to bemore flexible in nature. Thereare countries well-known for punctuality and timekeeping, and others forwhomtimedoesn’treallyseemtomatter.Every nation has its general characteristics, and its people often carry

themtoo.Takesometimetoreflectonyournationalidentity.Considerthepersonal

qualitiesthatitpromotes,andwhetherornotyouarepersonallyalignedwiththem.

Writedownyournationality:

Whatarethethreekeyattributesthatarecommonlyreferencedaboutthecitizensofyourcountry?

1.

2.

3.

3.

Circleorunderlinetheonethatismostimportanttoyou.

UnderstandingyourcultureA subtly different concept to nationhood is that of culture. Culture,according to theCollins EnglishDictionary, is defined as ‘the total of theinherited ideas, beliefs, values, and knowledgewhich constitute the sharedbasesforsocialaction’.Culturedescribessharedtraditions,socialexpressionandtastes,andthemutualenlightenmentthatarisesfromthem.Seeing culture defined in this way (mutual enlightenment) resonates

fantasticallywith the purpose of this book. In connectingwith a culture, aseries of light-bulb moments will occur, where we see the world and ourplace in it from a defined perspective. It shapes who we are and how webehave. Culture clearly provides a great source of personal wisdom andinsight.The cultures of indigenous peoples such as NZ Maori, Australian

Aborigines or Native Americans are even more clearly defined and arealways rich in metaphor. There will be hundreds of simple sayings andphrases,manyofwhich relateback to the land inaverypowerfulway.Assuch,thewisdomofindigenouspeopleisanchoredinaprofoundconnectionwiththeEarth.Ifyourelatetoaparticularculture,thenyouridentitywillbestronglydeterminedbythestoriesandlessonsthatarehandeddownthroughthegenerations.If you feel closely aligned with an indigenous culture, then answer the

followingquestions.

MyindigenouscultureWrite down the essential features of your culture that you can identifycloselywith.

Culturesarenotnecessarilyrace-based.Withinsocietywecanalsosubscribetospecificgroupsthathaveculturesoftheirown.Examplesmightincludeasportingculture,anacademicculture,ahippieculture,anartisticcultureorabusiness culture.Spiritualgroupsorcommunity interestgroupsalsohavetheirdefiningcultures.Therearearangeofdifferentsocialculturesanditislargelyamatterofpersonalchoiceastowhereyoufitin.Each culture will have its own identifying characteristics, and the

memberswillbedrawntothegroupbecauseofthem.Thesharedactivities,valuesandaspirationsofindividualswhoshareaculturewillhelpshapethepersonal identities of them all. Common themes and valueswill be readilyapparent.An example might be that you grow your own vegetables, enjoy health

foods, take herbal supplements and shop at local farmers’ markets. Yourculture could be defined as an ‘organic’ culture. Your key values aresustainability, health, nature and self-care. A common slogan or simplephrasethatcapturestheidealsmightbe‘Healthyfood,healthypeople’.Alternatively,youmightenjoyrunningandcyclingandattendgymclasses

regularly.Youmightsubscribetoafitnessmagazineandcarryawaterbottlewithyouwhereveryougotore-hydrate.Yourculturecouldbedescribedasone of ‘physical fitness’ and the key values would be vitality, strength,energyandmotivation.Yourgym’s sloganmightbe ‘Nopain,nogain.No

limits’. Youmight find that these simple phrases come readily to mind inresponse to a wide variety of situations in your life. They have come torepresentagenericpersonalwisdomforyou.

MysocialcultureList the social cultures or interest groups to which you feel aligned.Against each of these, write down the values that characterise themembers of that group. Perhaps you could then add a one-sentencesummaryofwhatthatculturestandsfor.

Knowing the key attributes of your social culture provides a greatcontextforself-awarenessandisanimportantpartofknowingyourself.

SignificantstoriesfromyourlifesofarThe nature of the stories that we tell about ourselves reveals a great dealaboutwhoweare.Wemayfindourselvesexpressingthemesofsuccess,fun,or surprise.Thepunchlines to thesestories invariably inviteothers to shareinamomentthatrepresentssomethingimportanttous.Usuallywetellstoriesforfunandtomakeotherslaugh.Personalanecdote

functions as light relief or entertainment in social situations. However, inthis section of the book, we are looking for more poignant, thought-provokingmaterial—storiesthathavemoredepthandrelaysimplemessagesaboutlifethatareimportanttoyou.Personalanecdotesusuallyofferkeymessagesaboutourselves.Theycan

promote us as humble observers, proud achievers, or fun-loving fools.Weneedtochoosecarefullywhichstorieswetell,andtheimpactthattheymighthave.Ourreputationsandsocialidentityareoftenbasedonthem.Somestoriesmayalmostchokeusupaswere-tell them.Their impact is

sodeepandpersonalthatithurts.Theanecdotemayhaveoccurredataveryspecial moment in our life and at a time when we felt in touch with apersonalinsightworthsharing.

MyfavouritestoriessofarWritedownthethreemostpoignantstoriesfromyourpastthatyouenjoysharing with others. They could be dramatic stories, funny stories orsimple acts of kindness that you have experienced.Against each story,writedownanyinsightsorinherentwisemessagesthatyouaresharing.

LearningfromadversityThe flip side to reflecting on witty, amusing anecdotes is to reflect moresomberlyonadversity.Learningfromourmistakes, takingthepositivesoutof a disappointing setback and growing in response to adversity, are allcommon themes around life’s journey. ‘Thewisdombornofpain’ is a linethatisquotedoften.Therewillalwaysbeevents that standoutasmajor turningpoints inour

lives. Itmay be the loss of a job, a relationship break-up, an accident, thelossofalovedoneorafinancialdisaster.Wewillhavebeenthrownoutofourcomfortzoneintoachallengingworldthatwe’dhavepreferredtoavoid.

However, often when we look back, we realise that the event actuallyserved to enrich our lives in someway. It added character andwe becameopentoexperiencinglifeinadeeperway.‘Ifitdoesn’tkillyou,itwillmakeyoustronger’isanotherfamiliarsaying

followingadversity.Whenwise individuals lookbackover their lives, theywill invariably identify the lowpointsof their livesas the timeswhen theylearnedthemostaboutthemselves,andlearnedimportantlessonsaboutlife.InATaleofTwoCities,CharlesDickensopenswiththewords:‘Itwasthe

bestof times, itwas theworstof times, itwas theageofwisdom...’ In thissectionweareverymuchconcernedwithextractingwisdomfrom‘theworstoftimes’.Following bankruptcy, we might hear someone say, ‘In the future, I’ll

alwaysbackmyintuitionratherthanfollowwhatothersmightsay’or‘Inthefuture, Iwillmakemymajor decisions based on reasonable levels of risk,notbedrivenbythethrillofagamble’.Both of these insights are huge ‘aha’ moments for the individuals

concerned.Theyaresignificantlydifferent,butbothhavethatkeyingredientofresonatingwiththepersonconcernedasaninsightfulnewtruthforthem,andwillhelpguidetheminthefuture.Many poems, songs and inspirational speeches are created in times of

adversity.Ifyoulookbackoverthepoemsandfamouslywisetextsreviewedin Chapter Six, almost all were written in the face of extremely difficultcircumstance. From the worst of moments, something special had beenlearned.Followingatraumaticevent,manyofustryashardaswecantostaythe

same.We try to carryon andnot let it affect us.However, these thingsdoaffectus, andwecandeliberately look for thechanges.Wecanwant tobechangedbycircumstance,andtobechangedforthebetter.

LearningfromadversityWritedowntheworstsetbacksordifficultiesthatyouhaveeverfaced—times when you felt overwhelmed, scared and hopeless. Note theemotion beside each event. Then, in one sentence, write down the keylearningthatyouhavegainedasaresultoftheexperience.

Pausing to reflect on the lessons learned in adversity is time well spent.Oftenwetrytopushtheseexperiencesoutofourminds,buttherearealwayslessons to be learned. Experiencing adversity is a key factor thatdistinguishesthewisefromthenaive.

KnowingyourpersonalvaluesThe exercises so far have askedyou to consider the guiding principles andvaluesthatyouhaveacquiredinyourlife.Mostofusshareacommonlistofaccepted values in our lives. A list that includes values such as honesty,transparency,respectandkindness.However,we rarely stop to formally reflect on these values or prioritise

themintermsoftheirimportancetous.Valuesareakeycomponenttoself-awareness, and in many ways, they define exactly who we are. Knowingyourvaluesmeansknowingyourself.

Wepreviouslynotedthatthemaxim‘betruetoyourself’canseemtobeasomewhat vacuous phrase. However, it is probably better expressed as anexhortationto‘betruetoyourvalues’.Ifweknowourvalues,thenweknowhowtobetruetoourselves.Values can best be defined as ‘the desired qualities of action’.Although

they are usually nouns such as ‘honesty’ or ‘integrity’, they are not reallythingsthatwehavebutinsteadtheysimplydescribehowwebehave.Therearenorightorwrongvaluesandwemayprioritisethemdifferently

atdifferenttimes.Indifferentsituations,differentvaluesmaybecomemoreimportanttous.

MyfivemostimportantvaluesWritedownthefivevaluesthatareofgreatestimportancetoyou.1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Thenconsiderthefollowingquestions:•Whichvalue,inyouropinion,istheparamountvalue?

•Whichvaluemostcloselydescribeswhoyouare?

•Whichvalueguidesyoubestinadversity/understress?

•Whichvaluedoyouholduppermostinyourrelationshipswithothers?

Itisinterestingtonotethatvaluescanservedifferentfunctions.Oneclassofvaluesmightpropelustowardsachievinggreatthingsinthefuture(suchas excellence, determination or persistence), while another set of valuesmight celebrate our ability to be appreciative and accepting (for example,kindness, respect and humility).Our values verymuch reflect theway thatwewishtoliveourlives.Sometimesourvaluesmaycausepersonalconflict.DuringWorldWarII,

harbouringanescapedprisonerwhose life is indangermighthaverequiredustoprioritisecompassionoverhonesty,whereweareobligedtotellliesto

keep others safe. Telling a friend that their partner is being deceitful isanotherexampleofvalues inconflict.Shouldwebehonestwithour friendor shouldwe keep a confidence thatwe have been trustedwith? It can allbecomeextremelyconfusing.The essentialmessagehere is that knowingour personal values becomes

our road map or compass. It guides our decisions and behaviour. Beingfamiliarwiththecompasshelpsusfinddirectioninourlives.InhispopularbookTrueNorth:Discoveryourauthenticleadershipstyle,

BillGeorgeusestheconceptofavaluescompasstoguideus.Thisrequiresus to identify our values to establish ‘true north’ in our lives, both asbusiness leaders and as individuals. Knowing true north allows us toestablishapurposefulandmeaningfuldirectioninourlifejourney.An authentic leadership style requires us to know ourselves and our

values,andtoleadinadirectionthatalignswiththem.Thepersonalandtheprofessionalmergeseamlessly.Ourmoralcompasskeepsusoncourse.Similarqualitiescanbefoundwhenwethinkofthepurposeofanational

flag, especially in the heat of battle. Although a flag does not suggestdirection,inasingleglancewecanconnectwithallthatitrepresents.Thereisastrong‘heart’connectwiththeinherentvaluesthatwearefightingfor.Our hearts beat more strongly when we know what we are about. In a

moment, we are connecting with our basic values. Anthems and heroicfigureshavemuchthesameeffect.Theywillusuallyembodytheessenceofwhatwe stand for. In amoment,we are instantly connectedwith our corevalues.

Areyouafolloweroraleader,Henry?During his initial interview at high school,my sonHenrymetwith theschoolprincipalandwasaskedtwosimplequestions:‘Areyouafolloweroraleader,Henry?’thePrincipalasked.‘Afollower,’hereplied.Iwinced.‘Andwhatqualitiesdoyouthinkmakeagoodfollower?’‘Loyalty,reliabilityanddependability,’Henryreplied.Myheartpoundedwithpride.Thesecondquestion,socasuallyasked,

had revealed more about my son than I’d ever realised. Henry was

wearing his values on his sleeve andwe could all see exactlywhat hestoodfor.Itwasan incisive,wiseandskilfulquestion for thePrincipal tohave

asked.AndHenry’sanswerleftuswithapowerful,lastingimpression.

There isagreatway toaccesspersonalvalues thatcomes fromAcceptanceand Commitment Therapy (ACT). This exercise invites you to stop andremembera ‘sweetspot’ inyour life.Youare invited torecalla timewhenyou felt totally at one with your ideals, and in tune with your life. Torememberatimewhenyouwerebeingtotallytruetoyourself.Thetherapistwill then ask you a series of second questions about the event (myterminology,notACT’s).

1. Whatdoesthisrevealaboutwhatreallymatterstoyou?2. Whatpersonalqualitieswereyoushowing?3. Howwereyoutreatingothers/yourself?4. Whatdoesthistellusabouthowyouwouldliketobeinthefuture?

As people become lost in a sweet memory, whatever it may be, thesequestionswillhelpthemtoextractthejuicefromthefruit.Insteadofsimplyreflectingonhappy timesgoneby, theywill findgreater clarity aboutwhotheyareinthepresent,andhowtheywanttobeinthefuture.Takeamomenttodotheexercisebelow.

RememberingwhoyoureallyareThinkbacktoatimewhenyoufeltsupremelyintouchwiththeworld.Amomentwhenyouwereintunewithlife,andwerebeingabsolutelytruetoyourself.Writeitdown.

Askyourselfthefollowingquestions:•Whatdoesittellmeaboutwhatreallymattersinlife?

•WhatpersonalqualitieswasIshowing?

•HowwasIbehavingtowardsothersandmyself?

•WhatdoesthistellmeabouthowIwouldliketobeinthefuture?

Finally,extracttheinherentcoremessagefromyourstory.Ivalue:

ThisiswhoIreallyam,andwhoIreallywanttobe:

ThisishowitfeelswhenIambeing‘truetomyself’:

For many of us it is hard to define exactly who we are, but if we canidentifyourcorevalues,thenwewillbemuchclosertotheanswer.Being true to our personal valuesmeanswe are living an authentic life.

Wearealignedwithourcoreprinciplesand,regardlessofthecircumstances,weknowthatwearehonouringourpersonalsenseofself.Wearebeingtruetoourselves,anditfeelsgreat.

Definingyourpersonalvision—whereareyougoing?Knowingwho you are is one thing, knowingwhere you are going is quiteanother.Unlesswehaveaclearvisionofhowwewouldliketobe,lifewilllack purpose or ambition. Having a strong personal vision is a powerfulattribute,andonethatiseasilyfoundbyaskinggoodquestions.Most of us have reasonably clear practical goals in our lives. We set

financialgoals, fitnessgoalsandeducationalgoals.Butsomehowwerarelyseem to convert these goals into a loftier vision for ourselves. We don’treallyknowwherewearegoinginlife.Ithasbeensaidthat‘ifyouhavenogoals,thenyoushouldmakeawish’.

Ifyouwritethewishdown,thegoalsandthevisionwillfallnaturallyfromtheexercise.Werarelygivecredittotheroleofwishingordreaminginourlives. In fact, they are often considered to be a waste of time and we areusuallydiscouragedfromdoingit.However, cherishing a personal vision is hugely affirming, and it is

important thatwemake space for creative ambition in thisway, otherwisewe have our eyes cast firmly to the ground as we shuffle pedanticallythroughlife.Thereisnobroadersenseofpurposeormeaning.Avisionisfarmorethanjustasetofobjectivesandgoals.Togeneratea

visionweneedtoasksomeloftyquestionsofourselves.

Whatismyover-archingidealinlife?

Whatbringsmefulfilment?

WhatissuesdoIcaremostdeeplyabout?

IfIcouldchooseexactlyhowmylifewastobe,howwoulditlook?

We saw in Chapter Four how choosing a picture to illustrate where youwouldliketobecanquicklyhelpustoaccessapersonalvision.Almostanypicture chosen will allow individuals to talk metaphorically, and visually,abouthowtheywouldlikethingstobe.Apersonalvisiondescribesfuturepossibilitiesoraspirations. Ideally,we

have a passionate ‘heart’ connect with our vision. The vision has to alignwithourpersonalvalues.Itshouldbeframedasapositivestatementofhowyouwillbe.Examplesmightbe:Iwillwalkcalmlythroughlife,acceptingthethingsthatIcan’tchange,butassertivelygraspingtheopportunitiesthatcomemyway.Iwillradiateconfidence,andIwilldedicatemylifetogivingthebestofmyselfintheserviceofothers.Iwillofferkindness,humilityandcompassionatalltimes.Iwillrespecttheopinionofothers,butatthesametimeIwillupholdmyrighttoberespectedaswell.IwilllivemylifemindfullyandwillstayfullypresentintheNow.Iwillembracelife’sopportunitiestothefull.Iwillbringenergy,dynamismandenthusiasmtoanysituationthatIcomeacross.Iwillconstantlylookforanyopportunitytolearnorhavefun,andwillhavenoregretswhenI’mgone.Each of these statements provides a clear description of both a way of

beingandawayofbehaving.Theydescribetheindividual’spersonalvalues,and are all stated definitively. They are all achievable, laudable andaffirming.Foreachoftheindividualsconcerned,therewillbeafarstrongersenseofpurposeto lifeas theystrideforward,knowingwhat theirpersonalvisionislike.

MypersonalvisionCompletethefollowingsentence,usingnomorethan50words.Describehowyouwillbehaveandthevaluesthatyouwillpromote.Iwill

Defining your personal vision is possibly themost important exercise inthis book. It goes hand in hand with the exercise where we defined ourvalues.Ittellsyouwhereyouwanttogo.Itprovidesanaspirationalgoalofhow you would like to be. Once you have established your vision, alldecisions and choices can be referenced against it. It provides a guidinglight.Itisthekernelofwisdomaboutself.

SummaryThis chapter provides the central core to our sense of personal wisdom. Itasksustoconsiderwhoweareandwhatwestandfor.Itrequiresustolookatthekeyfactorsthathaveinfluencedusandthatmakeuswhowearenow.We reviewed messages from our mothers, fathers and our families of

origin.We looked at the social, cultural and national influences that mayhave helped shape our identity, and went on to consider the inherentmessagesthatwelearnedfromthebestoftimesandtheworstoftimesinourpast.Finally,wehave lookedatourvalues andourpersonalvision, andnoted

how living consistently with our values is synonymous with being true toourselves.Knowing oneself is a fundamental attribute of beingwise.Reflecting on

oneself and asking good questions about who we are is always time wellspent.Themorethatwediscoveraboutourselves,thericherourlifewillbe.We cannot hope to understand life properly if we have not learned tounderstandourselvesfirst.

ChapterTen

LEARNINGFROMYOURINTERESTSANDYOURPAST

EXPERIENCESThis chapter falls into twodistinct parts.The first part looks at our leisureinterests and hobbies; the specific knowledge and experience that weaccumulateaswerelaxandplayoffersmanyinsightsthataremorebroadlyapplicable to life ingeneral. Ifwestop to reflectonwhatwehave learned,wecanoftenfindsimplegemsthatareworthsavouringandperhapssharingwithothers.The second part reviews our personal life history, considering what

lessonswecanlearnfromspecificpartsofouruniquejourney.Ateachstageofourlifewegaininsightsthatwecouldlatersharewithothers.Embeddedwithin any past experience, we can usually find a thought-provokingmessageaboutlivinglifewell.

LearningfromyourspecificleisureinterestsItisahugemistakeforustothinkthatleisureinterestsaresimplysomethingthatwe do to fill in the emptier parts of our day. Increasingly, our leisuretimeistheonlytimethatwehavetopursueactivitiesthataretrulyimportanttous. It isdiscretionary time. It is timewhenwecan truly relax intobeingourselves.The activities thatwe choosemight seem tobe a little arbitrary,but invariably, the inherentqualitiesof the interestwill strongly reflectourowncharacter.If we love orderliness and structure, we may collect things. If we love

competition,wewill compete. Ifwe love to relax,wewill find an interestthat encourages this. Whatever our interests, we will quickly adopt thegenerallyacceptedprinciplesthatunderscoretheactivity.

Wemaysay that ‘Thefirst ruleofentertainingguests is toget themusicright’ or, ‘When cooking, timing is everything’. These are expressedopinions masquerading as facts. They are usually based on personalexperienceandtheytendtopromotetheideathatwecanlearnfromsimplerules.Over our lifetime we develop a range of interests and the guiding

principles are commonly agreed to by all who share the pastime. As timepasses, our wisdom accumulates. We become useful people to turn to foradvicearoundthespecifictopic.Whetherwearegardeners,stampcollectors,pigeonfanciersormusicians,

wewilldevelopanarrayoffamiliarwisesayings.Theseareoftenspecifictothe interest, but they are also more generally applicable to life in a farbroadersense.Any specific interest canprovide anenlighteningperspectiveon life that

often adds colour to a debate. If we are talking about leadership, forexample, we can draw on the wisdom of how conductors lead orchestras,howsheepdogsleadsheep,howpoliticiansleadtheirparties,orhowqueenbeesmakedecisions.Eachspecific interestwillhavesomething tocontribute to thediscussion

anditisthediversitythatusuallycreatestheopportunityforinsight.There are several very popular recreational interests that naturally lend

themselves to providing wise words about living life well. Gardening,cookingandsailingarethreeparticularexamples,andweshalllookateachinturn.

GardeningGardening provides a rich, generic source of wisdom. Most of us have atleast a passing interest in growing things, and carry varying degrees ofwisdom about the process.Many gardeners are a veritablemine of factualinformation, but they can easily remain stuck at this level of simpleinformationexchange.Experts can tell you how to take cuttings, when to plant and where to

plant. More annoyingly, they can often also tell you a plant’s Latin nameundertheLinnaeicclassification.Atthislevelofgardening,youronlyhopeistoreadasmuchasyoucanandtrytorememberitall.

However,gardeningalso representsagreat theatre forextractingbroaderlessons about life. Gardening themes have a wonderful application to lifebeyondthegardenwall.Gardenershaveagreatconnectionwithnature.Theyshareagreatdealof

wisdom that has been handed down through the generations. The basicprinciplesofgrowingplantshaveremainedunchangedovermanycenturies.Awealthofphrasesandcatchysayingshasevolvedthatcapturetheessenceofgoodpractice.Examplesinclude:

Plantontheshortestdayoftheyear,harvestonthelongest.(Forgarliconly!)AwisegardeneranticipatesJuneinJanuary.Withoutgoodcomposting,agardenisnothing.Compostingcompletesthecycleoflife.Thetallesttreeshavethedeepestroots.(Notnecessarilytrue!)Evenmoreloftily,Gandhisuggestedthat‘toforgethowtodigtheearthandtotendthesoilistoforgetourselves’.

To garden well is to live life well.When we garden, we are obliged toworkwithNature,and tostrikeabalancebetweenbeautyandproductivity.A well-proportioned garden, laid out carefully with a considered, over-archingplan,willprovideadeeplyfulfillingadditiontoourbroaderlives.A garden teaches us a lot about living life well. It also teaches us a lot

aboutourselves.Even if you don’t have a garden, you could ask yourself the following

secondquestions:

IfIweretogrowaplantfromseed,whattypeofplantwoulditbe?

IfIhadagarden,whatcouldIlearnaboutlivinglifewell?

Andforthoseofyouwhodohaveagarden:

Whatisthegoldenruleofgardeningforme?

WhathasbeenthebiggestlessonthatIhavelearned?

Whatisthemostpleasurabletimeoftheyearforme?Why?

Thesearethekindofquestionsthatcomemorenaturallytogardenerswhentheyareidlywateringthegardenorrelaxingwithacupofteaonthegardenseat. Gardening offers many opportunities for personal reflection aboutlivinglifewithanaturalrhythm.In replying to these more abstract questions, even the most practical of

gardenerswillbeobligedtopauseandliftupfromthetaskinhand.Insteadofconcentratingonhowtoprunearoseorwheretoplantatree,theywillbethinkinginsteadaboutwheregardeningfitsintotheirlives,andwhatwisdomthey have gained from their favourite leisure pursuit. They can learn torecogniseandsavourtheinsightsthatMotherNaturehastaughtthem.

CookingCooking is another practical activity that evolves into a leisure interest formany of us. We watch cooking programs on television, we buy cookerymagazinesandwesharenewrecipeswithfriends.Cookinghasawonderfulability to continually re-invent itself, such that there is always somethingnewtolearn.However, just aswe saw in the gardening section, it is a rather limiting

perspectivetosimplyexchangerecipesandhandyhintsabouttechnique.Themajority of cooking conversations operate at this level, but eachwould besignificantlyenhancedifa‘wiselesson’couldbeaddedasafinalflourish.Ifwethinkabout thepersonalitiesand themesofourfavouriteTVchefs,

we invariably find inherentvalues in their styleof cooking that also tellussomething about ourselves. Each chef will have their own set of personalcatchphrases and sayings that they use as they create a dish. Do they paymeticulousattentiontodetailandstrivefortheperfectrecipe?Ordotheygowiththeflowandletthedishevolve?Istheemphasisonhealthyingredientsormoreonindulgentpleasure?Dotheycreateexoticfusionsacrossdifferentcultures or do they specialise in a certain style. And what are the keydescriptorsofthatstyle?

Whenyoucook,howwouldyoudescribeyourstyle?

Whatareyourkeymessagestoothersabouthowtocookwell?

Cookingisn’tjustaboutpreparingfood.It’sapassionandit’sanartform.Thekitchenisaplacewherewecanlearnsomuchabouthowwewanttobeandhowwewanttolive.

SailingIpersonally lovesailing,soyouwillhavetoforgivemeif I indulgea littlehere! Sailing provides a rich metaphor for life and many of life’s trickymomentscanbeunderstoodwithreferencetoasailingdilemma.Sailingwith a followingwind, or into aheadwind, or sailing on abroad

reach, all have their psychological equivalents in the wider world. Andsailing through the doldrums, where all momentum is lost, leads to amiserablydepressivestate.Life can be either plain sailing or else we are obliged to face the

turbulenceofastormyvoyagethroughlife’supsets.More thanmost leisure activities, sailing requires us to trim our sails to

suit the prevailing wind. When sailing in stormy waters, we focus on thestrengthofourvesselratherthanthesizeofthewavesahead.Ingeneral,weallprefertheopportunitytosailonanevenkeel.Sometimeswefindourselvessailinginunchartedwaters.Butthenagain,

ships were never built to stay in safe harbours. Old sea-salts (who alsoprobablyhadagirlineveryport)willremembertheoldadageanyportinastormwhenfacingadversity.

Weweigh anchor andwe set sail (on life’s rough seas—a line frommyold school hymn). We drop anchor and we heave to. We also know thatneithertimenortidewaitforman,andweneverdrinkalcoholuntilthesundropsovertheyardarm.Whatever else sailing brings to one’s life, a rich ocean of wisdom and

metaphor is one undeniable benefit. Sailing enthusiasts bring a vibrancy totheireverydayconversationthatisrarelymatchedbyothers.Thewonderful thingabout thiswisdom,as for thewisdomofany leisure

interest,isthatthesimpletruthsthataresharedaredirectlyapplicabletolifein general.We all have our turbulent storms and our rudderless moments.But we can also experience those exhilarating surges of adrenaline whenunder full sail.We do not need to be sailing enthusiasts ourselves to findvalueanddrawuponthemetaphor.

YourpersonalleisurepursuitsNow it is time to consider your personal leisure pursuits.Aswehave seenpreviously, every recreational interest can provide us with insight. Inaddition to learning the specific competencies and skills, we are alsolearning to think about life in a certain way. Whether you are collectingstamps, sewing quilts or playing bridge, there will be an array of simpletruthsthatarecentraltotheactivity.For example, when playing bridge, you can only play the hand you are

dealt.Thisisclearlyawidelyapplicabletruth,anditcansometimesprovideprofoundly appropriate insight to others by lifting them up from theirimmediateconcerns.In the boxbelowwrite downyour favourite leisure interest and consider

thewisdomthatitbringstoyourlife.

WisdomfrommyleisurepursuitsMyfavouritepastimeis:

Myfavouriteanecdotefromthisinterestis:

Somewisesayingsthatarecommonlyused:

Thefirstruleofmyinterestisto:

Thekeythingtoknowaboutmyinterestis:

Thefundamentalpersonalqualitiesrequiredtosucceedare:

Themostsignificantthingthatithastaughtmeaboutmyselfis:

The next time you are with a fellow enthusiast, you might like tocasuallyaskthemthesamequestions.Theyareallsecondquestionsandtheymaygeneratesurprisingreplies!

Do not be shy about sharing details of your personal interests. Try toreferenceyour leisureactivities inyoureverydayconversation.Youwillbesharingpersonalinsightsandyouwillalsobestrengtheningyourvisibilityasa person. Your perceived depth of character by others will increase as aresult.

LearningfromouruniquepastexperiencesAswetravelthroughlifeweeachfollowauniquepath.Weacquirespecificskills andknowledgealong theway thatgiveus theopportunity tobecomewise.We learn to extractgeneralprinciples fromourpersonal catalogueofexperiencethathelpsgivemeaningandhelpsustomakesenseoftheworld.Regardless of howboring our livesmay seem,we have all had different

experiences that provide personal insights to compare and contrast withothers.Wecanextractgemsofwisdomfromthemostunlikelyortediousofsituations. There are always interesting points of difference for others toconsider.

Ifwechoosetoshareourpastexperienceswithothersinathoughtfulway,wefindthatitaddsdepthandstrengthtoourcharacter.Itaddstooursocialidentityandtoourpublicprofile.

AstoryfrommypastSitbackandrelax.Letyourmindwanderback toyourpast.Thinkofastory that you have often told others from your past. It could be anamazing experience, a funny experience, or a tragic experience. Writedownthekeydetailsofthestorybelow.

Now deliberately finish the story by lifting the narrative to a higherlevel.Summarisebycompletingthefollowingsentence:AndthekeythingthatItookawayfromthatincidentinmylifewas:

Many of us are reluctant to talk too much about ourselves. We carry anatural inhibition about self-disclosure or we may have learned that it isunwiseorboorishtosaytoomuchaboutourselves.Clearlyit isajudgmentcallastohowmuchtodiscloseandwhen.Sometimeswehearfartoomuchfrom some people who talk excessively about ‘the good old days’ of aformerlife.However,briefly referencing thekey insights fromapreviousexperience

can be a useful contribution to a discussion.And asking for the ‘summaryinsight’when others are talking about their own past experienceswill also

liftthetoneandpaceoftheconversation.Reflecting quietly on your past and choosing not to share the lessons

learnedislikekeepingplayingcardsinyourhand,closetoyourchest.Theyhavenovalueuntilyou lay themdownon the table.Andweallhavesomegreatcardstoplay.In reviewing your own past catalogue of thought-provoking experiences,

thefollowingexerciseswillelicitanumberofkeypersonalinsightsthatyoumayneverhavepreviouslystoppedtoconsider.

StoriesfromyourchildhoodTheolderweget, themorewe repeat time-honoured stories thathavebeenfrequentlytoldaboutourchildhood.Weselectivelyremembercertainstoriesthatamuseusandtellothersalittlemoreaboutwhoweare.Ourparentsalsohaveagreatdealofinfluenceoverourrecallofchildhoodbytheanecdotesthattheyroutinelytell.Theseareourformativeyears.Weareblankcanvassesuponwhichweare

evolving and learning the basics of life. Certain core themes will beemergingforeachofusindifferentwaysduringthisperiodofourlives.

AfavouriteanecdotefrommychildhoodWrite down a quick summary of a favourite story or a strongmemoryfromyourchildhood.

Whatisthekeylearningthatyoutakefromthisstory?

Whatwouldthetakehomemessagebetoothers?

Inasentence,whatdoesthissayaboutyourformativeyears?

Storiesfromyourteenage/studentyearsAs we strike out into life on our own, we take more control of theexperiencesthatwehave.Asteenagersorasstudents,westarttoexplorelifeforourselves.Weseekoutlike-mindedfriends,andwestarttofindourownway. This is a hugely enlightening period in our lives, where we discovermore clearly who we are and what life is all about. We learn about ourstrengths and our personal qualities, and we also learn from our mistakes.Our teenage and student years are probably the richest source of wisdomthrough anecdote thatwe have. The funny stories from this period thatwetellagainstourselvesallcarryastrongmessageaboutwhowearestrivingtobe.

Afavouriteanecdotefrommyteenage/studentyearsWrite down a favourite story from your youth—a story that tells us

somethingaboutthekindofpersonthatyouwereseekingtobecome.•Whatarethekeymessagesaboutyouasapersonnow?

•Whatpersonalqualitiesdidyoushow?

•Howmightyouhavechangedsincethen?

The chaotic jumble of colourful experiences in our youth allows us toslowly find ourselves. We experiment, we take risks, and we challengeconventionalwisdom.Therewardforallthisisthatwedefineanewwisdomofourown.Inthetablebelow,writedownthekeyincidents thatyourememberfrom

yourtransitionalyears,thenidentifywhatthesepossiblyindicatedaboutyouthenandwhatinsightscomeoutofeachstory.

StoriesfromyouradultlifeAs adults, we find ourselves moving through life with a reasonably stableunderstandingofhowtheworldoperates.Weknowwhatwebelievein,andwe feel that we know ourselves just about as well as we can. After thechallengesofadolescence,wearenowjustgettingonwiththings.However, there is still a great deal to be gained by reflecting on the

experiences that we have had. Too often we miss learning opportunitiesbecauseweweretoocomplacentormadeexcusesnottolearnfrompotential‘aha’moments.Inadulthood,wehavestability,butwealso facechallenge,opportunities

andmomentsofgreatsatisfaction.Weareroamingexpansivelyacrosslife’sstage,and inour relativefreedom,wecan learnsomuchaboutwhoweareandhowlifecanbestbelived.In considering your life as an adult, you can use the table below to list

eventsthatmadeyoufeelsupremelyproud,felt likeyourgreatestmistakes,andthatrepresentopportunitiesmissed.Against each event,write downwhat the story says about you, and then

considerwhat lessonsmaybedrawnabout life ingeneral. Is thereanythingthat you would like to do to change or enhance things for yourself in thefuture?

Keylearningeventsinmyadultlife

Whatthissaysaboutmeandmyvalues

Whatthestorytellsusaboutlife

Ifeltreallyproudwhen…Mygreatestmistakewaswhen...Thebiggestlostopportunityoccurredwhen…

In reviewing our lives in this way we become far more self-aware. Byusingstructuredreflection,wecanextractthekeyinsightsandourlearningsabout life. A similar thing happens when we read autobiographies. Theauthor tells their story and then invariably shares the wisdom and insightsthattheyhavegainedfromtheirstorysofar.Webenefitasaresult.Youdonothavetobefamoustobewise.Weallhavetheopportunityto

write down the narrative of our lives, andwe can all extract and share thekeyinsightsfromtheexperiencesthatwe’vehad.Theeventsdonotneedtobe exotic or dramatic. Indeed, some of the most poignant wisdom comesfromsimpleeverydayevents.Years ago, I was sitting in amen’s discussion groupwherewewere all

sharing stories about the male urge to problem-solve in response tochallengingsituations.Oneparticipant,deep in thought, suddenlypipedup,‘You know, yesterday I dropped a bottle of milk as I lifted it out of thefridge. It smashed all over the floor. I suddenly realised that in somesituations,youjustcan’tputthingsbacktogether.Youjusthavetoacceptit,makethebestofthings,andmoveon.’Wewereallsilencedbyhisanecdote.He’dsaidjusttherightthingatthe

right time. We all took his wisdom on board, and the associated insight.After an hour or so of opinionated intellectual debate, we had suddenlyarrivedatasuccinctandcollectivelysatisfyingconclusion.Sometimes in life you have to just accept things,make the best of them

andmoveon.

ThedecadesofmylifeSomepeople prefer to systematically review their lives in ten-year chunks.The table below is laid out to invite reflection on these different stages ofyour life. Try to capture the key themes of each period, and what simplewisdomcanbeextractedandsuccinctlysharedasa resultof those ten-yearblocksoflifeexperience.

Yourage Keymemories Keyinsights

0–1011–2021–3031–4041–5051–6060+

Inmanyways, these simple exercises traverse the whole purpose of thebook.Ifyousystematicallytrawlbackthroughyourmemories,youwillfindwisdom. The key technique, however, lies in paying attention to the right-handcolumn.Howoftendowereflectfondlyonpasteventssimplyashappymemories

without bothering to then ask ourselves what we learned or how theexperiences subsequently informed our lives? Even if we are onlyrememberingadullcommutetoworkonpublictransportmanyyearsagoora character who irritated us at the time, we can now look back with thewisdomofhindsightandcapturelessonstobelearnedinthebiggerpicture.

RememberingtheSixtiesIoncewaswatchingaTVdocumentaryaboutmusicinthe1960s,calledAll YouNeed is Love: The story of popularmusic. Towards the end oftheprogram,a seriesofageing rockstarsall agreed that the1960swasall about love. But suddenly, on cameAbbieHoffman, a human rightsactivist from the period,who angrily claimed: ‘No! The Sixtieswasn’t

aboutlove.Itwasallabouthumanrightsmarches.ItwasaboutVietnam.It was about Martin Luther King Jr and it was about freedom fromoppression.TheSixtieswasn’taboutlove,itwasaboutjustice!’In a single moment Abbie had seriously derailed the collective

memoriesofthefuzzyhippybrigade.Dreamsoffreelovewerereplacedbymemoriesofsocialactivism.The enduring wisdom about the 1960s was clearly different for

differentpeople.Thesubjectiveandverypersonalnatureofsimpletruthswasrevealedyetagain.

SummaryIn this chapter we have reviewed the opportunities that we have to gainpersonal wisdom from our specific leisure interests and from our specificpastexperiences.We firstly looked at our hobbies and interests, and paused to consider

what the content teaches us about life in general. We looked at whatcharacteristics draw us to such an activity and also considered what thesubjectmatterrevealsaboutourowndesiredqualitiesinlife.We then went on to consider what we can learn from the specific past

experiences in our lives. We looked at memories drawn from childhoodexperiences, our teenage years and the challenges that we have faced inadulthood. At each stage there were lessons to be learned about ourselvesandabouttheworldingeneral.Every single activity and every single experience provides us with a

learning opportunity. And the extent to which we actually do learn isdeterminedsolelybytheextenttowhichwereflectuponourexperiencesandinterests—andaskourselvesgoodsecondquestions.

ChapterEleven

BEINGWISEABOUTYOURWORKThe major area in life where wisdom comes into its own is at work. Weusually train for several years to learnhow todo a job, and thenwe spendseveral years refining our technique as we go. Along the way we subtlyintegrate our formal knowledge and our practical experience into awonderfulblendoftechnical/professionalwisdom.We can train as either architects or builders in our own field of work.

Neithercansurvivewithout theotherandbothhavetheirvalue.Sometimesit is important that architects learn from practical hands-on experience.Conversely, it is important that builders learn to pull up from the task inhand and find ways to summarise their knowledge into simple, generictruths.Qualifications only say somuch about an individual’s ability.There is a

wealthofadditionalmaterialtobefoundoutsideoftheclassroomthatistherealmeasureofatrulywisepractitioner.Thisbookisclearlysayingthatwisdomisnotjustfoundincleverplansor

in clever people. It is also to be found in our basic experiences of the realworld.Ourwisdomatworktendstofocusonbothourcompetenciesandourcharacter.Intheearlystagesofmostcareers,weoftensitatthesideofasupervisory

mentor for a year or two, with the implicit assumption that we will learnfrom their past experience. They will share anecdotes and simple maximsaboutdoingthejobwell.Theywillgraduallysharethetricksofthetrade.Inthis way, we are trading in the core aspects of wisdom as defined in thisbook—thewisdomofexperience.This chapter focuses largely on what we have learned in our careers to

date, and what concepts might roll out from there that are more generallyapplicabletolife.Most of us have trained for a career at some stage.We have spent time

learning the techniquesand theoriesbehindourcraft, andhavebeen taught

specific knowledge.We have learned about the evolution of the professionor trade, and we learn the specific skills to carry out the work. Oncequalified,we are assumed to have the basic skill set to competently do thejob.In addition to our formal training another process is occurring. As we

becomemoreexperiencedintherole,webecomewiseraboutthedeliveryofourskills.We learnwhat thecustomerwantsorhowtomanageunforeseensituationsthatmightsometimesarise.Thiswisdomisnotformallytaughttous.Itisslowlyacquiredasaresult

of our myriad experiences. Sometimes it is received via comments from amentororsupervisor(seeChapterSix).Sometimesitoccursasaresultofasetback. At other times, we usefully integrate our wisdom from life ingeneraltothespecificdemandsofourwork.However it happens, we certainly become wiser as a result of our

experiences in an employment role and we become more effective as aresult.Realestateagentswill talkabout‘location, location, location’,whileretailers will say ‘the customer is always right’. Plumbers will wiselyrecount that ‘water always flows downhill’. We usually know all thisanyway,butitrequiresaparticularskilltoblendsuchcommonsensemaximswith formal knowledge in a way that gives greater authenticity to one’sabilityintherole.Ifwewereabletochoosebetweentwomidwives,equallywelltrained,to

deliver our baby, we would probably opt for the more experiencedpractitioner.Wewillmakethisdecisiononthebasisofherpracticalwisdomaroundchildbirth.Shewillexudecommonsenseandshewillsaythingslike‘workwith yourbaby,not against it’.Wewillbe reassured that she’sbeenhere before and that she can apply general principles of care gleaned fromheryearsofexperience.Havingsaidthat,itmaywellbethattheoldermidwifeseemstoosetinher

ways and we opt instead for the younger graduate who seems to have her‘feet on the ground’, or her ‘head set firmly on her shoulders’. Practicalcommonsense,oftengainedthroughacombinationofotherlifeexperiences,sometimes outweighs the number of years in the job.Wemight say that ayouthfulpractitionershowsa‘wisdombeyondtheiryears’.A very practical, sensible friend of mine was a doctor’s daughter. As a

younggirlsheoftenfoundherselfansweringthephoneandneedingtobea

calming voicewhen takingmessages. She later claimed that her childhoodtelephoneexperiencesputherinverygoodsteadforanythingthatadultlifecould throw at her. She quickly developed a verywise head on her youngshoulders and became a veritable fountain of wisdom, especially aroundthreatened miscarriages! She spoke calmly to women using practicalcommonsense, often basing her advice on her rapidly accumulatingexperience. She learned a wise ‘bedside manner’, and became a very safepair of hands in a crisis! To this day she continues to serve as a valuedconfidante for many of her friends in challenging times. Her wisdom wasbornofaspecificskillsetatatenderage,butlatergeneralisedwonderfullytolifeandallofitsgloriouscomplications.More recently, a client of mine was describing her work as a shoe

salespersoninalargedepartmentstore.Shetookprideinherknowledgeandcould talk endlessly about the range of products that she stocked. She hadthousands of rather tedious anecdotes to share about herwork experiences.As she spoke, she didn’t quite manage to capture or transmit a sense ofaccumulatedwisdom.All thefactual informationthatshecouldshareaboutshoesdidlittletoinspiremeasthelistener.Quitefrankly,itwasboring.Butwhen I asked her, ‘What is the key message that you need to share withwomen to help themchoose a pair of shoes?’, the toneof the conversationchanged. Her reply exuded wisdom. ‘Women need to know the differencebetween fashion and style,’ she said. ‘Fashionwill come and go, but stylelastsforever.Theyneedtofindthestylethatsuitsthem.’Nowthismaybeoldnewsto thosein thefashionindustry,butforme, it

was awonderful insight. Iwas left pondering howmy own stylemight bedefined, and how it might better inform my decisions on future shoppingexpeditions.Itwas thepowerof thesecondquestion that lifted theconversation toan

altogethermorethoughtfullevel.

ApplyingDrFoster’sGoodQuestiontoyourjobWritedownyourprofessionorjobbelow:

Myrole/responsibilityis:

NowimagineDrFostercomingintoyourworkplaceandaskingpolitelyaboutyourwork.And then imaginehimaskingamore focusedversionof his incisive second question:Over all of the time that you’ve beendoingyourjob,whathasittaughtyou?I’velearnedthat:

Thesehavebeenthekeyinsightsfrommycareersofar:

KeymentorsinyourworkinglifeOurprofessionalortechnicalcompetenceisnotonlybaseduponourformaltraining. Apart from our formal education, we have all been informallymentored by lecturers and by supervisors throughout ourworking life.Wecanall remember individualswhoatvarious timeshavegivenusenormoussupport and encouragement in our work. We might describe them asinspirationalrolemodels.They have given us practical, commonsense advice and they have

modelledhowtocarryoutthejobeffectively.Wehavewatchedthemhandledifficult situations, andwewill have learned simply byworking alongsidethem.Butalsoduringthequietermoments, theywillhavesharedsomekey

learnings from their own experiences. Our mentors are a rich source ofreceivedwisdom.

KeymentorsinmyworkinglifeIntheleft-handcolumn,writedownthenamesofthreepeoplewhohavebeen significant influences in your career. They could be lecturers,supervisors,visitingexpertsorcolleagues.In the right-hand column, write down their single most important

message toyou.If theycouldsayone thingabout the typeofwork thatyoudo,whatwoulditbe?

And if you could integrate their wisdom into a paramount insightaboutworkingwell,whatwoulditbe?

UsefulworkanecdotesAswelookbackoverourcareers,wecanoftenrecallspecificincidentsthatprovided great learning opportunities for us. They may be humorous,dramaticorthought-provoking.Theyaretheworkstoriesthatweoftenfindourselves recounting to others as anecdotes. They remain significant to uspartlybecausetheycarryagenerallyusefulmessagethatwewishtoendorse.

LearningfromworkplaceanecdotesThinkback to the stories about yourwork that youmost often recount.They could be disaster stories or they could be funny situations thatarise. Describe them briefly in the left-hand column and then stop toconsiderwhatthekeylessontothestorymightbe.

WorkplacechangeSo far we have looked at the value of significant stories that we mightrandomlyrecallfromourcareer.Thesecontainmessagesthatarefamiliartous,andthatwerecountasfondaffirmationsofworkplacetruths.However,ifwenowtakealittlemoretimetoreflectmorecarefullyabout

the distinct phases of our careers, especially the transition points that haveoccurred, wewill inevitably unearthmore specific workplacewisdom.Wecan learn a great deal about ourselves through workplace change, and bycapturing these lessons, even retrospectively, we move forward with agreaterclarityaboutourselvesandtheworkthatwedo.

SnippetsofwisdomDuring my regular, somewhat vacuous conversations with myhairdresser,Sonia,sheaskedmeaboutmybook.

‘It’saboutfindingyourownwisdomthroughreflectingonyourlifesofar,’Isaid.‘Forexample,whenyouthinkbackoverthechangesinyourcareer as a hairdresser, what have been the key changes for you, andwhatdidyoulearnfromthem?’Sonia paused for a moment, cocked her head to one side in that

thoughtful little way that hairdressers do, and then replied, ‘I supposewhenIboughtintothebusinessasapartnerIsuddenlystoppedbeingsoaccommodating.PreviouslyI’dbendoverbackwardstofitpeoplein,butbusinessjustdoesn’tworklikethat.Peoplehavetorealisethatitbreaksbothways...peoplehavetolearntofitinwithyou.’AndjustasIsmiledatmyabilitytoextractthiswiseobservationfrom

her, Sonia added, ‘Also, when my first baby was born, I think that Ilearned to keep much better boundaries around my conversations withclients. It felt so much more professional to keep a clearer distinctionbetweenmyworkandmypersonallife.’Sonia had suddenly become a mine of thoughtful ruminations about

her career as ahairdresser.Shehadexperiencedand shared two simple‘aha’moments withme.We’d shifted from an idle conversation aboutholidaysandmoviestarstotalkinginsteadataconceptuallevel.Itgaveusbothsomethingtoponderuponlater.Sadly,theshifttobig-picturethinkingwasnotsustainable.Thenature

of both of our personalities meant that we regressed fairly quickly totradingsimpleHollywoodgossipagain.

Wheneverchangesoccur inour life, it isalwaysgoodtoaskourselveshowwehavebeenaffectedbythem.Weshouldactivelylookfortheimpactonusand interpret it as a positive change toour character.Wemay find thatweare tougher. Or that we are more sensitive. Or more cautious. Or moreresilient.Wecan always learn fromchanges atwork andwe areusuallywiser for

theexperience.Itcanmakeusstronger.

Learningfromcareertransitions

LearningfromcareertransitionsWritedownthekeyphasesofyourworkinglifetodate.Youcandefinethese as you like, either referencing different roles, organisations,promotionsorbosses.Youwillknowwhenthekeychangesoccurredforyou.Thenwrite downyourkeyworkplace learning against eachphase.What was the wisdom that you acquired during that phase of yourworkinglife?

Leadershipatwork—wisdomfromthetopBeingwiseisafundamentalpre-requisiteforeffectiveleadership.Weexpect

ourleaderstobeexperiencedandtocarryagreatdealofwisdomasaresult.Oftenwe look to them for a reassuringmanner in a crisis, trusting in theirdepth of character. We need them to know themselves well and to knowwhere they are going.We need to trust them, and if we do, then we willfollow.Effective leaders must radiate their values. They do not need to be

charismatic,buttheydoneedtoquietlybroadcastwhattheystandfor.Firstand foremost, we need to know them for who they are. Simply wavingarounda fancyvisionor a clever strategicplanwill never engagepotentialfollowers.Weneedtoengagewithpeople’sheadsand theirhearts.Leaderscannot expect to take people with them unless they have previouslyestablishedaconnectionwiththeirteam.Thisconnectioncomesthroughleadersbeingtransparent,visibleandclear

aboutwhotheyareasaperson.Ialwaysmaketwosuggestionstopeopleinaleadershiprole,whethertheyaremiddlemanagers,chiefexecutivesorteamleaders.Theyneedtobroadcastwhattheyareallabout.Firstly, you should share a leisure interest or a piece of personal

information about yourself that enshrines the values that you wish topromote. If you love jazz, that suggests a creative edge. If you love yachtracing,thatsuggestsacompetitivestreak.Byleakingasnippetofinformationaboutyourself,youwilleffectivelybe

controllingyour imageand thechosen interestwillpromote thevalues thatyou espouse. Your teammemberswill ask you about it, will share similarinterestsandwillaffirmasimilarworldview.Secondly, you should reference a period in your life when you were

workinginaccordancewithyourvalues.Itcouldhavebeenwhenyouwereplayingcompetitivesport,orwhenyoulivedonacommuneandrodeahorsetowork.The anecdotes from that periodwill inevitably reflect your valuesandthekindofpersonthatyouare.Byallmeanstellstaffthatyoutravelledwidelyinyouryouththroughout

the Third World. But don’t tell them that you spent time in jail forinadvertently receiving stolen goods! The inherent message about yourvaluesisthenjustallwrong!The values of a leader should align perfectly with the values of an

organisational culture. Leaders should be aspirational role models for theteam.

Leadershipappliestousall.Weallhaveourparttoplayininspiringandmentoringourcolleagues.Therewillbetimeswhenwehavetostepupandrespond to the challenge of a difficult situation or when we need to beauthoritativeandwise.Operational leadership requires us to be pragmatic and grounded, while

strategicleadershipatthetoprequiresustoliftuptoamorevisionarylevel.Strategicquestionsareusuallysecondquestionsbynature,whileoperationalquestionsaremorelikelytobefactualinstyle.Thehigherwego,thewideristhelensrequiredforustoviewtheworld.Everymemberofateamorworkgroupwillhavetheirowncontributionto

make to the leadership team at the appropriate level. By drawing on theirpersonalexperience,theyoffertheiruniqueperspectiveonthesituation,andcreative,inspirationalinsightcancomefromanyteammember.

SixeffectiveleadershipstylesDaniel Goleman, in his well-known article ‘Leadership that gets results’defines six distinct leadership styles. Each has its place and each providesuniquestrengths.Thekeymessageisthatitisimportantnottofocussimplyonone’sownparticularstyle.

1. Coerciveleadersdrivetheirstaffforwardsbydemandingcompliance.Theyneedtheirstafftoobeyunquestioninglyanddonotvaluedialogue.Thisisthestylethatisprevalentinhierarchicalorganisations,suchasthemilitaryoremergencyservices.Beingrecognisedaswisedoesnotplayagreatpartinthisstyleofleadership.Thereisanimplicitassumptionthatthoseinauthorityshouldsimplybeobeyed.

2. Authoritativeleadersexudeanauraofcompetencebasedontheirknowledgeandexperience.Wefollowthembecausetheyaremorequalifiedandbetterinformed.Theirwisdomisbasedontheirexperience.Theirstyleradiatesself-assurance.

3. Pace-settingleaderswillleadbyexample,workinglonghoursandmodellinghighstandardsfortheirteam.Theyexpectexcellence.Thereisahugedangerofburnoutwiththisunsustainablestyleofleadership.Thereisnotahugepremiumplacedonwisdom.Itismostlyamatterofbeingextremelycompetentandleadingbyexample.

4. Democraticleadershippromotesbuyinfromallteammembers.Attention

ispaidtotheprocessofshareddecisionmaking,suchthateveryonefeelspartofanydecisionthatismade.Theleaderengageswiththeirteamaspartoftheirteam.Theybuildconsensusthroughparticipation.Theyarenotnecessarilywiseaboutthecontentofthejob,buttheyareoftenwiseaboutprocessandmanagingpeople.

5. Affiliativeleadersplaceastrongemphasisontherelationshipwitheachmember.Itisallaboutusandwe.Thereisastrongheartconnectbetweenteammembersandvaluessuchasloyaltyandcommitmentpredominate.Staffwillfollowbecausetheybelieveintheirleaderandtheleader’svalues.Affiliativeleadersoftengetmoreoutoftheirteamsthanislogicalforthemtogive.Theywillworklate,staycommitted,andtakealowerwageifitleadstosuccessfortheteam.Thewisdomofanaffiliativeleaderisbestdescribedasempathicwisdom,asshownbyaneffectiveyetcaringparent.

6. Coachingleadershipistheclosestwecometoawiseleadershipasdefinedinthisbook.Coachingleaderswillinvestintheirteamandmentorthem.Theyarekeentogetthebestoutofteammembersbytakingthetimetoencouragegrowth.Theirfocusisnotsomuchonthedemandsofthetaskinhand,buthowtheirteamcanlearnmostfromtheexperienceandbebetterequippedinthefuture.Theywillalwaysaskgoodquestionsthatelicitawarenessinothers.

Leadershipatworkisnotaone-size-fits-allaffair.Thedifferentleadershipstyles require us to be wise in different ways and at different times.Leadership andwisdomare inextricably linked.Thewisest leaders are alsohighlyskilledinpersonalreflectionwheretheyvaluetheopportunitytoaskchallengingquestionsofthemselves.

MyleadershipstyleWhenyouareobligedtopickuparesponsibilityformanagingothersatwork,whetherasaCEOorasalabourergettinghisteamtoshoveldirt,considerthefollowingquestions:•Whatisyourtypicalleadershipstyle?

•Whatarethestrengthsofthisstyle?

•Whatisyourleastpreferredstyle?

•Howcouldyoudevelopthisstyle?

•Whataddedadvantageswouldthisbringtoyourwork?

Summary

SummaryInthischapterwehavelookedattheroleofwisdomatwork.Wehaveseenhow the insights gained through our practical experience will alwayscomplementourtrainingqualifications.Wehave lookedatwisdomreceivedfromourmentorsand the inherently

wisemessagesembeddedintheanecdotesthatweshare.Wehavelookedatthewisdomthatwehavegainedatdifferentstagesofourcareers,andnotedthelessonslearnedfromeachcareertransition.Finally,we have looked at thewisdom of leadership and have seen how

thedifferentleadershipstylesincorporatevaryingshadesofwisdom.Itisimportanttorecogniseandnurturethedevelopmentofawisepersona

atwork.Aworkplacesetting is the ideal forumforourpersonalwisdomtobe acknowledged and truly valued. Wisdom at work is sought after,appreciated and highly valued by others. If we’ve got it, then we shouldsurelyshareit.

ChapterTwelve

WHENWISDOMGOESWRONGSometimes, people derive unhelpful or distorted insights from their lifeexperiences. They carry a kind of flawed wisdom that hinders theireffectivenessinlife.Theyhaveaproblemwiththecontentoftheirthoughtsandbeliefs,whichsubsequentlyholdsthemback.For others the problem concerns a failure to communicate their wisdom

effectively.Theyfail toinfluencethethinkingofothersinpositiveways.Itismoreaproblemofstyle.Theirtimingispoor,theybroadcasttoomuchandthey make excessive use of personal anecdote. Sometimes, perhaps notsurprisingly, expressed wisdom can be extremely boring and tedious forothers.

Faultywisdom—problemswithcontentThe subjective nature of wisdom means that often it can trip us up.Sometimesourlifeexperiencesleadustomakeassumptionsabouttheworldthatareatbestunhelpfulandatworstsimplywrong.Wemightdecidethatweareunworthyorunlucky.Orthatwecannottrust

the world to be safe. We may feel unlovable or that we will always beabandonedby thosewhomwe love.Wedrawupgenericconclusionsaboutlife, based on our experiences, and then view everything through thisdysfunctional lens. Our wisdom about the world is faulty, and it holds usback.Fortherapists,faultywisdomisamajorfocusoftheirwork.Exploringand

re-formulating faultyassumptionsmadebyaclient is thekey theme toanytherapeutic conversation. Dysfunctional assumptions are identified andchallenged, allowing for healthier,more adaptive ‘truths’ tobe established.Thisbecomesthenewwisdomfortheclientanditoftencomestotheminablinding‘aha’.Atother times,aclientmaycomealongforweeksandweeks,struggling

todescribetheirproblemsortoarticulatethekeyissue.Therapeuticpatienceis required here, as the client slowlyworks towards the realisation ofwhatfaulty assumptions and beliefs underpin their presenting problem. As newinsightsareslowlygained,therefollowsaslowbutinevitabledawningofanewworldview.Theclientlearnsamoreempoweringandaffirmingviewofthe world. Therapist and client together chip away at long-held and long-cherisheddysfunctionalbeliefs,andanewdoorslowlyopens—aweighthasbeenlifted.Regardlessofthespeedoftherapy,thebasisforanytherapeuticchangeis

for the therapist to ask good second questions that challenge thedysfunctionalwisdom.Examplesmightbe:

Ofallthethingsthatwe’vespokenaboutsofar,whatisthemostproblematicthinkingpatternthatyounotice?Ifyoucouldliveinaperfectworld,whatwouldbedifferentforyou?Ofallthethingsthatyouhearyourselfsaying,whatisholdingyoubackthemost?

After the inevitablepause theclientwill reply,andindoingso, theywilllookbeyondtheconstraintsoftheirproblem-orientedworldview.Theywillthink more expansively and their subsequent insights will allow them toinstallamoreconstructiveperspectiveontheirworld.Examplesmightbe:

I’mnotstuck,Ihaveoptions!Thepastisbehindme,Ishouldletitgo.Inowneedtobefocusingonthefuture.It’snotuptootherstodecide,it’suptometochoosewhathappensnext!IjustneedtochangethewayIlookattheworld.

All of these sudden realisations might seem obvious to a detachedobserver,buttotheclient,therevelationblowsawayalong-standing,deeplyentrenched counter view. The pre-existing concept of being stuck, forexample,hasprobablybeenunhelpfulformanyyears,butitseemedsotruetotheclientthat,overtime,itbecameafact.Theusualexperienceofatherapeutic‘aha’momentprovidesforpersonal

empowerment and for the adoption of a new maxim. The ‘aha’ momentsinvariablyoccurinresponsetoaspecificsecondquestionfromthetherapist.Byliftingupfromanendlessreviewoftheirproblematicworld,orstepping

backfromlife,orbydiggingdeeperintosubconsciouslayersofthought,theclienthasbeengiventheopportunitytothinkmoreexpansively.The power of a second question is at its greatest when precipitating a

therapeutic ‘aha’ moment. The axis shifts imperceptibly at first, thensuddenly tips from negative to positive self-talk. The client moves fromentrenchedmaladaptive habits tomore adaptive routines. Theymove frompessimism to optimism. They are dramatically freed up to change.Challenging the validity ofmaladaptive or faultywisdom is the essence ofgoodtherapy.Goodsecondquestionscandeliverfantasticoutcomes.Recognisingandchallenging faultywisdom inourselves,or ideasthatare

nothelpfultous,isanimportantpartofknowingoneself.Wearelearningtobewiseaboutourselvesinadifferentway.Wecanseeourfailingsandourflaws. We can re-define the picture, and as a result we can take greatercontrolofourlives.

Failuretocommunicatewisdom—problemsofstyleOne of the great tragedies of life is that, as we grow older, our wisdomsomehowbecomesmarginalisedandweseemtoloseourrelevance.Grumpyoldmenandopinionatedhousewivesdriftoff towards the shadowycornersoflife,theirsageadvicenolongervaluedorsoughtafterbytheyoung.Theelderly tend to talk excessively and tediously about the good old days andtheycomplainvehementlyinresponsetoinnovationandchange.Theyweartheirwisdomliketheyweartheirclothes—limp,shabbyanddrab.Despite the enduring relevance of their wisdom, the elderly and the

arrogantoftenlosetheabilitytobroadcasttheircontributionseffectively.Alltoo often, they simply give advice, express negative opinions, and becomejudgmentalabouttheworldaroundthem.There is nothingworse than those boring old characters in the corner of

thestaffroom,orproppingupthebar,whothinkthattheyknowitall.Theyhavelosttheartofusinggoodquestionstoteaseoutwisdomfromothers.They are no longermentoring, they are simply lecturing from a haughty

position. Their wise counsel no longer hits the mark, and they startsquanderingtheopportunitiesthatstillexistforthemtoinfluencetheworldaroundthem.A similar issue can happen to experienced therapists or teachers who

increasingly rely on their experience and collection of tried and trueanecdotestomakeapoint.Theybecomecomplacent,andtheirstoriesslowlylose their impact and relevance. The world is always changing and thelessons drawn from the past can become tiresome, even if there are usefulparallelstobedrawn.Two particularly common pitfalls (misreading your audience and

excessivelyrigidwisdom)areconsideredbelow.

MisreadingyouraudienceWe have already identified two key areas where communication problemscan arise for thewise.Firstly,wehave seen that excessive broadcastingofpersonal anecdote and metaphor can be tiresome. Secondly, we have seenthat expressed and valued personal anecdotes may not resonate with theotherperson.Itisimportanttorememberthatitisfarmoreeffectivetoelicitwisdomin

othersthanitistoofferit.Intheend,it’sallaboutaskingthosegoodsecondquestions.Forsomepeople,conceptual thinking isaboreand takes themtoaplace

that they’d rather not go. For them, wisdom is something that is only ofinterest to others. It should be acknowledged that the diffuse nature of theworldofinsightisnotforeveryoneandmanywiseevangelicalconversationshavefallenondeafearsduesimplytoalackofinterest.

Idon’twanttohaveinsights!Peter,aretiredengineer,mathsteacherandalifelongcontentiousfriend,askedmewhatmynewbookwas going to be about. I explained aboutsecond questions and their power to elicit insights. His reply took meaback!Idon’twanttohaveinsights.Secondquestionssoundarrogant.I’mhappyjusttoliveinaworldoffactsandinformation.WhyshouldIcareaboutbecomingwise?It’snicejustseeingtheworldasitisandenjoyingtheexperience.Idon’twanttothinkbig!Peterprobablyspeaksformanypeople.Theideaofknowingyourself

better and seeing theworld conceptuallymay seem to be rather elitist,

especially if someone else is suggesting that it’s good for you. LikePeter, many people are content to simply wander through life withouttaking the time to reflect,without liftingupfromthedaily routinesandwithoutseeingabiggerpicture.

For most of us it is simply that our lives are too busy or that we are toocaughtup in facts and figures to stop and find the time toknowourselves,whoweare,andwhatwestandfor.Makingtimeforstructuredreflectionisone of the greatest gifts thatwe can give ourselves. It’s easy and it’s free.Butit’salsodiscretionary!Thereisaplaceintheworldforintuitivetypes,forconcretethinkersand

for people who enjoy stepwise deductive reasoning. Many of life’s greatpleasures derive from simple activities and skills based on practicalknowledge.However, secondquestionsprovideagateway toamuchwiderworld,whereanarrayofconceptualdelightsandinsightscanoccur.Inmanyways,it’sgenerallyamorethoughtfulandsatisfyingpleasuretoputtwoandtwotogether,andmakefarmorethanfour!However,whenwebecomeover-enthusiastic aboutnew ideasorbecome

overly driven to share our insights with the rest of the world, we are indanger of alienating everyone from the message.We should always makesurethatpeoplewanttooperateonahigherconceptuallevelbeforewerushin with the new ideas. Sometimes, the gates can only be opened so far.Peoplehave towant to step through toexperience thewisdomof thewiderworld.

ExcessivelyrigidwisdomAnothersoberingaspecttotheconceptofwisdomisthefamiliarsayingthat‘there’sno fool likeanold fool’.Thisphrase, sooftenused,containsgoodadviceabouthowagecanleadustoacast-ironsenseofcertaintythatweare‘right’orthatwecantrustourjudgmentsoverandabovewhatisprudent.Old fools don’t see that what has applied for them in the past may no

longerapply in thepresent,or that timeshavechanged.Theyhavebecomeset in theirwaysand set in theirbeliefs.Rather thanhavingminds that are

open to learningabout theworld, their rigiditymeans that theyareactuallyclosed.Oldfoolsappeararrogantandtheybroadcastratherthanlisten.Theyhave

forgotten that the mark of true wisdom is to listen with genuine curiositybeforeaskingquestions.Curiosityrequiresustostayinnovativeandflexibleinourinteractionswiththeworld.

SummaryInthischapterwehavebrieflyreviewedhowwisdomcangowrong.Firstly, we have seen how dysfunctional thinking can lead to faulty

wisdomabout theworld.If leftunchallenged, itcanleadus intoaseriouslyflawedworldview.Secondly, we have noted that wisdom often fails to be communicated

effectively.Atired,rigidandboorishapproachwillleaveotherscold.Italsokeeps thebroadcaster inan increasingly isolatedplace; theyaresurroundedby the fixed ideas that they have espoused, and have inadvertently built awallaroundthemselves.Thereisnothingquitesosadasawiseindividualsittingalonelikeafool

onahill.Thesunwillsurelygodownonthem,andtheirvaluedwisdomwillinevitablybelostasaconsequence.

ChapterThirteen

PULLINGITALLTOGETHERIt is now time to pull together thewisdom that we have discovered into acoherent summary.Forsome itwillbeenough tosimplysitbackanddrawupasummaryparagraphabout themselves—rather likeapersonalsummarywe may write about ourselves on the home page of a website or on aFacebook page. Or the paragraph that we are required to write about ourpersonal qualities on a CV. For others it may be enough simply to reflectuponsomeofthebroaderquestionsthatwereasked.Youmightaskyourself:

Whatwillmyheadstonesay?Howwillmyepitaphread?WhatarethedeepestvaluesthatIcarryandthemostinspirationalpersonalqualitiesthatIadmire?Whatwillmylegacybe?Whatwouldbethetitletothestoryofmylife?

Each one of these questions is huge and can only be answered after aperiodoffocusedself-reflection.Having worked through the exercises listed in the book, you will feel

much better equipped to answer the three big questions:Who am I?WhathaveIlearned?andWhatdoIstandfor?WhenDr Foster drifted intomy life all those years ago, he askedme a

simple question.He askedmewhat I had learned inmy life so far. And Icouldn’tanswerhim.ButinthatmomentIhadablindinginsightaboutwhatwaslackinginmylifeandalsointhelifeofmostpeoplearoundme.Wesimplydon’taskourselves thebiggerquestions thesedays.Wedon’t

celebrate the wisdom gained through our personal life experiences andwedon’t pause often enough to reflect onwhatwe have learned andwhatwefeelisimportant.For many of you, the experience of reading this book will undoubtedly

provideseveral‘DrFoster’moments.Thebookwillhaveaskedquestionsto

whichyouhavenoideawhatyouranswermightbe.Yousimplyhadn’teverstopped toconsiderwhatyou really thinkabout the important stuff, andnoone had ever bothered to ask you. You certainly hadn’t stopped to askyourself.The tragedyof our lives is thatwedon’t stop to reflect.Wedon’t pause

and celebrate what we have learned or achieved. We have wonderfulmoments of blinding insight, but then let them slip away. We stay sogroundedinthebusinessoflivingourdailylivesthatwedon’tliftourheadsuptomarvelatthebiggerpicture.Whenchoosingaseatonaplane,wemightbeaskedwhetherweprefera

windoworanaisleseat.Theaisleseatoffersusapracticalconnectiontotheexit,totheoverheadlockers,totheflightattendantstrolleyandtothetoilets.Conversely,thewindowseatoffersusanopportunitytogazeoutacrosstheworld. To marvel at the vastness of the landscape and to reflect upon thewonderfulexperienceofbeingalive.This book is all about choosing the window seat. To deliberately create

occasions in your everyday life where you set up the scene for expansivethought. To find opportunities to reflect and to think about the biggerpicture.Whenwesitinthedarknessofacinemaorinthestillnessofachurch,or

when we sit as part of a spellbound audience at a concert, we feeltransformed. We become connected with something bigger than theimmediate present. We hear simple truths broadcast that seem to speakperfectlyforusaboutlife,theuniverseandjustabouteverythingelse.Thehook lines in thechorusesofour favouritepopsongscarry somuch

meaning for us. They become ingrained in our psyche. We recognise themelodies immediately. We hum the tunes without realising what we aredoing.Similarly, wemay often reference passages from our favourite books or

coupletsfromapoemornurseryrhyme.Wemayfindourselvesdescribingascene from a movie in order to convey a powerful message about life orrelationships.Wearedrawntotragedy,tohumourandsometimestofarce.Ourearspickupwhenwehearareferencetopeoplethatweadmire.We

celebratetheirlegacyandtheinherentvaluesshownbyourrolemodelsfromthe past. These things can move us deeply at an emotional level and theyconnectustotheirwisdom.

Wisdom is not something thatwe do. It is something thatwe are.Wisepeopleprovide anchorsor referencepoints for those around them.Theydonotneedtoprovethattheyarewise;wejustknowthatitisaninherentstateof being. Wise individuals carry their wisdom calmly and with self-assuredness. People seek them out, not necessarily for advice but as asounding board for their own ideas. Wise people trade in wise thoughts.Theyofferwisdomandtheyelicitwisdom.Wisdom tends to comewith age and experience.We should embrace it.

Weshould learn tovalue the linesonour face,and the twistsand the turnsthatourlifehastaken.Weneedtoagewithgraceandwithdignity,andtobeprepared tostepup to leadership rolesand responsibilitieswithconfidence.We need to be kind, wise and knowledgeable, radiating our values clearlyandexudingasenseofcalmself-assurance.Weshouldgraciouslyaccepttheroleofbeingsoughtoutbyfamilyandfriendsforourideas.Years ago I attended a concert by JohnnyDankworth andCleoLaine in

Dunedin’s Regent Theatre in New Zealand. I went out of curiosity to seetheselegendaryhusband-and-wifejazzmusiciansontheirfinalworldtour.Itwasamiserablenightinthemiddleoftheweekatthebottomoftheworld.Therainlashedrelentlesslydownonthetheatreroof.Ifoundmyselfsittinginaseaofsoakingwetgreyhairandheavy,saturatedovercoats.Thelightsdimmedandthecurtainsdrewback.JohnnyDankworthstepped

outonto thestage,neatlydressed inasmartsuit.As theapplausefaded,hegesturedsimplywithhishandstotheaudiencebeforespeakingwarmlyfromthestage.

LadiesandGentlemen.Icannottellyouhowhonouredwearethatyouhavechosentocomeoutonsuchadreadfulnighttoseeusperform.Wearetrulyhumbled,andIcanguaranteethatwewilldoourvery,verybesttorepayyourfaithinus.There was uproar in the house! Before the concert had even begun we

knewthatwewereinthepresenceofaveryspecialman.Iwasabsolutelyblownawaybythehumilityandrespectthatwasinherent

in his openingwords.Hiswarmth, integrity and self-assurance as a personjustshonethroughhisremarks.Heknewhisstuff.Hewaswise.Andhewasamanwhoknewhowhewantedtobe.I later contrasted the humility and kindness of Johnny Dankworth’s

opening remarkswith other, younger,more impulsivemusicians that I had

seen on that very same stage. They tended to strut and to posture. Theythoughtthattheyknewitall.Theywereouttoprovethattheywerethebest.They were technically superb, but somehow they lacked ‘presence’. Theywereself-assured,buttheydidnotseemwise.Aswemove through lifewewill inevitablycomeacrossandnoticewise

people.Wewill see inspirational politicians or spiritual leaders conductingmediainterviews.Wewillalsomeetexperiencedprofessionalswhoimpressuswiththeirconfident,self-assuredinterpersonalstyle.Wemightrememberdoctors, midwives and funeral directors who calmly guided us throughdifficulttimesinourlives.Wemayalso readabout successfulbusinessentrepreneurswhoshare the

simple rules that helped them to get ahead in life. They will all describesimpleinsightsthatprovidetheguidingprinciplesforthedecisionsthattheymadeintheircareers,andtheseinsightsoftenbecomerepeatedendlesslyasmottos ormantras. The famouswill readily share and promote one or twovaluesthattheyholdasthekeytotheirsuccess.Theywill all seem toknow a great deal, but someof themwill carry an

additionalauraofwisdom.Theywillbetradinginsimpletruths;theywillbehumble;andtheywillbedrawingontheirpersonalexperience.Anyonewhohascausetoreflectontheirgoodluck,theirbadluckoreven

their indifferent luck will benefit from stopping to think. By pausing toreflect,theywillinevitablygaininsightsintotheirlifeandtheywillbewiserforhavingmadetheeffort.Fromtimetotimewewillalsocomeacrosspeoplewhohaveexperienced

personaltraumaorwhohavelost lovedones.It isanaturalpartoflife.Wemightalsofindourselvestalkingtopeoplewhohaverecentlycheateddeathortopeoplewhoarefacingdeath.Invariably,theywillallbeprofoundlylostinasearchformeaning.Theyhaveseenbeyondtheframeworkoftheirdailyroutines and simple assumptions, and the bigger questions will inevitablyarise.Converselywemaymeetpeoplewhohaverecentlyfoundloveorwhoare

celebrating the birth of their child. They are glowing in response to theirexperience and they, too, find themselves floating in a sea of wondrousquestions and stunning insights about what life is all about. Circumstancehas lifted them out of the mundane and into the world of big-picturethinking.

These differing events in our lives, often unscripted and unexpected,provide opportunities for us all to pause and reflect. In these moments ofoverwhelming and often profoundly confusing emotions, we have theopportunity to learn so much about ourselves. And the best way to gainclarityfromconfusion isbyaskinggoodquestions.This is theway thatwemakesenseofourlives.Attheendofthedaybecomingwiserisverysimple.Itallcomesbackto

Dr Foster’s Good Question or any variant of it that you choose to ask ofyourself. Second questions are powerful tools. They lift you up to see thebigger picture. They force you to stop, to take a breath, and to touch basewith a broader overview of the world. You learn to see your place in thewiderframe.Second questions are fun, life-affirming, and thought-provoking

challenges. They elicit delightful insights about life, and they createpowerfulunderstandingsofwhoyoureallyare.Secondquestionsprovideuswithagatewaytowisdom.Theyinviteblue-

skythinkingandpanoramicviews.Andinresponsetotheinvitation,wecanall feel more expansive and free, at the same time connecting moreauthenticallywithwhoweare.Big-picture thinking gives life a greater sense of purpose and fulfilment.

Over time, the search formeaning becomes increasingly compelling asweaccumulate our collection of insights. By persevering in our search forpersonal wisdom, and by making dedicated time for it, we will feelincreasinglysatisfiedandcontentedinourlives.Andwhen awkward curmudgeons likeDr Foster come calling again,we

willbesomuchbetterequippedtodealwiththeirpeskyquestions.Weshallbetrulywise!

BIBLIOGRAPHYEhrmann,Max(1927),DesiderataGeorge,Bill(2007),TrueNorth:Discoveryourauthenticleadershipstyle,Wiley,SanFransisco,CA.Gibran,Khalil(1923),TheProphet.Goleman,Daniel(2000),‘Leadershipthatgetsresults’,HarvardBusinessReview.Goleman,Daniel(2011),TheBrainandEmotionalIntelligence:Newinsights,MoreThanSound,LLCNorthampton,MA(e-book).Harris,Russ(2009),ACTMadeSimple:AneasytoreadprimeronAcceptanceandCommitmentTherapy,NewHarbingerPublications,Oakland,CA.Kipling,Rudyard(1910),If,firstpublishedinRewardsandFairies,MacmillanandCo.Ltd,London.Kolb,D.(1984),ExperientialLearning:Experienceasthesourceoflearninganddevelopment,PrenticeHall,EnglewoodCliffs,NJ.Luft,J.&Ingham,H.(1955),‘TheJohariWindow,agraphicmodelofinterpersonalawareness’,Proceedingsofthewesterntraininglaboratoryingroupdevelopment,LosAngeles,UCLA.Neibuhr,Reinhold(1943),TheSerenityPrayerOxfordDictionaryofQuotations,The(2009),OxfordUniversityPress,Oxford,UK.

Index

A

ATaleofTwoCities(book),1

abstractconceptualisation

goodquestionsfor,1

learningcycle,1,2

abstractthinking,1,2

AcceptanceandCommitmentTherapy(ACT)

personalvaluesexercise,1

questionsforelderly,1

activeexperimentation

goodquestionsfor,1

learningcycle,1

adultlife,storiesfrom,1,2,3

adversity

learningfrom,1,2,3

timeforreflection,1,2

affiliativeleaders,1

‘aha’moments

excitementof,1,2

keytoevolution,1

learningfromadversity,1,2

neurophysiologyof,1

personaldevelopmentretreat,1

religiousexperiences,1

remembering,1,2

fromtheunknownarea,1

aisleseatchoice,1

anecdotes

brokenmilkbottle,1

fromchildhood,1,2

personal,1,2,3,4,5

shoesalestories,1

using,1,2,3,4

fromworkplace,1,2

aphorisms,1,2,3,4

Armstrong,Neil,1

arttherapy,1

assumptions

overturning,1

re-formulating,1,2

audience,misreading,1,2,3

authoritativeleaders,1

B

Beck,Judith,1

bedtimestories,reflectionon,1

bloggers,influential,1,2

book

lifeasabook,1,2

brainwavemeasurement,1

builders’dreams,1,2

businessconsultants,secondquestions,1,2

C

cakecuttingconversation,1,2

carbumperstickers,1

careertransitions,learningfrom,1,2

childhood,storiesfrom,1,2

children

creativequestionsfor,1

perspectiveonlife,1

wisdomfrom,1,2,3,4,5,6

children’sstories,favourite,1

Chopra,Deepak,1

clichés,1

coachingleaders,1

coerciveleaders,1,2

commitment,toasharedvision,1,2,3

commonsense,1

communication

discoveringownstyle,1

effective,1,2,3

goldenruleof,1

misreadingaudience,1,2,3

platinumruleof,1

social,1

seealsointeraction

concreteexperience

goodquestionsfor,1

learningcycle,1,2

concretethinking,1,2

conflict,resolving,1,2,3

contemplativetraditions,1,2

conversations

factsvsideas,1

withanolderperson,1

pedestrian,1,2,3,4

cooking,1,2

creativity

sensationofpleasure,1

thesparkbehind,1

cultures

indigenouspeoples,1

withinsociety,1,2

understandingown,1,2,3

D

Dankworth,Johnny,1,2

death,experienceswith,1

de-briefings,formal,1

decadesoflife,1,2

deductivereasoning,1,2

democraticleaders,1

Desiderata,1

DireStraits(band),1

dreaming,roleof,1

dreams,1,2

DrFoster’sGoodQuestion

applicationtojob,1,2

startingpoint,1

supermarketquestion,1,2

Dylan,Bob,1

E

Ehrmann,Max,1

Einstein

oncommonsense,1

onwisdom,1,2

elderly

perspectiveonlife,1,2,3

wisdomfrom,1,2,3,4,5,6

emergencyservices,de-briefings,1

enlightenment,spiritual,1

exercises

adultlifestories,1,2

appraisalofTheTenCommandments,1,2

childhoodstories,1,2

communicationstyle,1

conflictresolution,1,2

connectinginrelationships,1,2

cookingquestions,1

culturalidentity,1

father’squotes,1

favouritechildren’sstories,1

favouriteparable,1,2

favouriteproverbs,1,2

favouritestoriessofar,1,2

happyrelationships,1

identifyingsharedvision,1,2

insightsfromteenyears,1

insightstorelating,1

jobsecondquestions,1,2

keyvalues,1

learningfromadversity,1

literaryquestions,1,2

meaningoflove,1,2

mostimportantvalues,1,2

mother’squotes,1,2

myfavouritedreams,1

nationalidentity,1

ownsocialculture,1

pastexperiences,1,2

personalinfluences,1

personalmottos,1

personalvalues,1

personalvision,1,2

remembering‘aha’moments,1,2

self-reflection,1

significantrolemodels,1

surveyofsecondquestions,1,2

sweetmemories,1,2,3

usingmetaphors,1,2,3

wisdomfromsongs,1,2

yourfivegreatestinsights,1,2

F

family

messagesfrom,1,2

sourceofsocialideals,1

farmingpractices,1,2

father,messagesfrom,1,2

fridgemagnets,1

fun,makingtimefor,1,2,3

funerals

ofmother,1,2,3

timeforreflection,1

G

gammaspikes,1

gardening,1,2,3

gettinglost,benefitof,1,2

goldenruleofcommunication,1

goldfishwisdom,1

goodquestions

seesecondquestions

governmentsector,socialideals,1

greetingcardmessages,1

guessing,1

H

Hamlet,quotesfrom,1,2

heroes,quotesandimages,1,2

Hillary,SirEdmund,1

hobbies

seeleisureinterests

holidays,1,2

I

If(poem),1,2

images,insightfrom,1,2,3,4

indigenouspeoples,culturesof,1

inductivereasoning,1,2

influentialindividuals,insightsfrom,1,2

insights

fromthearts,1,2,3,4

fromcareertodate,1

contributetodiscussions,1

definitionof,1

fromtheinternet,1,2

fromliterature,1,2

momentsinhistory,1

frommusic,1,2,3,4

notwanting,1

fromobservations,1,2,3

frompictures,1,2,3,4

frompoetry,1,2,3

frompopularsources,1,2

problemsolving,1

righttemporalarea,1

fromrolemodels,1,2

spiritual,1,2,3

fromthestreet,1,2

fromteenyears,1

fromthevisualarts,1,2

fromwittyone-liners,1,2

fromyourelders,1,2

yourfivegreatest,1,2

seealso‘aha’moments

interaction

basedonvalues,1,2

learnedfromfamily,1,2

withstepmother,1

seealsocommunication

internet,insightfrom,1,2

internetauctionwebsites,1

interviews

followerorleaderquestion,1

intuitivethinking,1,2,3

intuitivevssensingworldview,1

inventions,1

J

J

JohariWindow,the,1,2

K

King,MartinLutherJr,1

Kipling,Rudyard,1,2

Kolb’sLearningCycle

diagram,1

explained,1,2,3,4

forself-reflection,1

L

leadership

authenticstyle,1

effectivestyles,1,2,3

identifyingown,1,2

values,1

atworkplace,1,2,3

learning

fromcareertransitions,1,2

fromleisureinterests,1,2,3,4,5,6,7

frompastexperiences,1,2,3

fromworkplaceanecdotes,1

learningcycle,Kolb’s,1,2,3,4,5

learningprocess,newborninfants,1,2

legalproceedings,resolvingconflicts,1,2

leisureinterestslearningfrom,1,2,3,4,5,6,7

wisdomfrom,1,2

Lennon,John,1,2

lettinggo,1

libraries,storehousesofknowledge,1

lifestories

seeanecdotes

light-bulbmoments

see‘aha’moments

literaryfigures,wisdomfrom,1,2

literature,insightsfrom,1,2

love

abstractconcept,1,2,3

exerciseonmeaning,1,2

M

marriagecelebrants,1

maxims

explained,1

forrelationships,1

workplace,1

mediators,keyrole,1

meditation,andreflection,1,2

mentors,inworkinglife,1,2

metaphors

fromdifficultsituations,1,2

sailingterms,1

using,1,2,3,4,5

midwives,1

milkbottle,broken,1

MonaLisa(painting),1,2

moralcompass,1

mother,messagesfrom,1,2

mother’sdeath,reactionto,1

mottos

personal,1

referencecorevalues,1,2

movies

evocative,1

wisdomfrom,1,2

music

collectivegenreidentity,1,2

insightsfrom,1,2,3,4

musictherapy,1

Myers-BriggsTypeIndicator(MBTI),1,2,3

N

nationalflag,purposeof,1

nationalidentity,influenceofemployment,1,2

newborninfants,learningprocess,1,2

O

observation

potentialinsights,1,2,3

reflective,1,2

one-liners

insightsfrom,1,2

opposingviews,1,2

worldviewperspective,1,2

open-endedquestions,1,2

P

pace-settingleaders,1

parables,1,2

pastexperiences,learningfrom,1,2,3

personaldevelopmentretreat,1

personalvision,1,2,3,4

philosophers,1

pictures,insightfrom,1,2,3,4

platinumruleofcommunication,1

playtherapy,1

poetry,insightfrom,1,2,3

positiveoutlook,1,2

prefacestogoodquestions,1,2,3

professionalsocialideals,1

proverbs

onbanknotes,1,2

examined,1,2,3,4

prudentialtraditions,1,2

psychologists,Socraticquestioning,1,2

Q

questions

blind-spot,1,2,3

forchildren,1,2

creative,forachild,1

deep,1,2

fortheelderly,1,2

followerorleader?,1

forward-looking,1,2

internetauctionwebsites,1

Kolb’sLearningCycle,1,2,3,4

open-ended,1,2

prefacesto,1,2,3

restropective,1,2

Socraticquestioning,1,2,3

speculative,1,2

summaryquestions,1,2

uplifting,1,2

‘whatif’questions,1

‘what’questions,1

‘why’questions,1,2

seealsosecondquestions

R

reasoningprocesses,1,2

recreationalinterests

seeleisureinterests

reflection

onbedtimestories,1

onthebigpicture,1,2

atfunerals,1

andmeditation,1,2

purposeful,1,2,3

timesfor,1,2

seealsoself-reflection

reflectiveobservation

goodquestionsfor,1

learningcycle,1,2

relationshipbreak-ups,1

relationships

conceptofcommitment,1,2,3

connectingin,1,2

keyfactoroflife,1,2

secretstohappyones,1,2

sharingqualitytime,1,2

valueskeyto,1,2

retreat,personaldevelopment,1

righttemporalarea,insight,1

rolemodels

fivesignificant,1

insightsfrom,1,2

sailing,1,2

schoolchildren,Socraticquestioning,1

S

schoolreunions,1

secondquestions

aboutgardening,1

aboutjob,1,2

aboutMonaLisa,1

abstractconceptualisation,1

activeexperimentation,1

briefsummary,1,2

businessconsultants,1,2

concreteexperience,1

forlearningcyclestages,1

powerof,1,2,3

prefacesto,1,2,3

purposeof,1

reasoningprocesses,1

simple,1

structureof,1,2

styleof,1,2

onsweetmemories,1,2

TheTenCommandments,1,2

seealsoquestions

self-disclosure,1

self-reflection

Kolb’sLearningCycle,1

onlifeexperiences,1,2

onownsocialidentity,1,2,3

personalsummary,1

takingtimefor,1

sensingvsintuitiveworldview,1

SerenityPrayer,1

Shakespeare,1,2

socialcommunication,1

socialidentity

influenceofemployment,1,2

reflectingonown,1,2,3

socialservices,socialideals,1

Socraticquestioning,1,2,3

spiritualenlightenment,1

spiritualinsights,1,2,3

sportingeventde-briefings,1

stepmother,shiftedviewof,1

Stewart,Rod,1

stories

fromadultlife,1,2,3

favouritechildren’s,1

fromyourchildhood,1,2

fromyourpast,1,2

seealsoanecdotes

streetwisdom,1,2

studentyears,storiesfrom,1,2

‘summaryinsight’,1

summaryquestions,1,2

T

taxidriverwisdom,1,2

team-buildingexercises,usingphotos,1,2,3

TEDtalks(Technology,EntertainmentandDesign),1

teenageyears,storiesfrom,1,2

thearts,insightsfrom,1,2,3,4

TheBeatles,1

TheRollingStones,1

theSixties,remembering,1

TheTenCommandments,1,2,3

thinking

abstractvsconcrete,1,2

intuitive,1,2,3

Tolle,Eckhart,1

traditions,contemplativeandprudential,1,2

TrueNorth:Discoveryourauthenticleadershipstyle(book),1

T-shirtmottos,1

Twitter,1

V

values

ACTexercise,1

changing,1

asacompass,1

definitionof,1

followerorleaderquestion,1

keytorelationships,1,2

knowingyourown,1,2,3,4,5,6,7

ofaleader,1

servingdifferentfunctions,1,2

vision,definingown,1,2,3,4

visualarts,insightsfrom,1,2

W

welfarerecipients,socialideals,1

‘whatif’questions,1

‘what’questions,1

‘why’questions,1,2

Wilde,Oscar,1,2

windowseatchoice,1,2

wisdom

aboutgoldfish,1

aboutself,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25

fromchildren,1,2,3,4,5,6

fromtheelderly,1,2,3,4

excessivelyrigid,1

failuretocommunicate,1,2

fromfavouritesong,1,2

flawed,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8

thegettingof,1,2,3

librariesandbooks,1

fromliteraryfigures,1,2

morethanknowledge,1,2,3

frommovies,1,2

snippetsof,1,2

fromthestreet,1,2

taxidriver,1,2

fromthoseclosetous,1

time-honouredphrases,1

atworkplace,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16

worldly,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14

wishing,roleof,1

workplacechangesin,1,2

wisdomin,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16

worldviews,opposingone-liners,1,2

AnextractfromWhenHappinessisNotEnough,alsobyChrisSkellett,andavailablefrom:www.exislepublishing.com

ChapterOne

ANINTRODUCTIONTOTHEPLEASURE/ACHIEVEMENT

PRINCIPLEEverybody wants to be happy.We all know when we’re happy and whenwe’resad,andourlifeisfullofdecisionsmadeinoursearchforhappiness.Wemake these decisions frommoment tomoment and from year to year.And usually, we tend to base our decisions on a generalised theme orpreference.Forexample,wemightpreferexcitement tocomfort,or changeratherthanstability.Thesetrendsandpreferencesaremanyandvaried,andtheycanallplayoutindifferentways.But of all the different factors that drive our decisions and shape our

behaviour, there is one simple truth that underpins our complex livesmorethan any other. Specifically, we need to ensure that in all aspects of ourlives,wemaintainahealthybalancebetween thedrive forpleasureandthedrive for satisfaction through achievement. Happiness is to be found bycombiningthemboth.The concepts sound so similar, and both feel good, but a closer analysis

shows that they are twoverydifferent emotions.We tend touse thewords‘pleasure’and‘satisfaction’interchangeably,andwedonottakeduecareindistinguishing between the two. ‘It gives me great pleasure...’ and ‘I takegreatsatisfaction...’aretwophrasesthatsoundverymuchthesame.Butbyfailing todiscriminate,we fail tobalance the twoconceptsand,asa result,wefailinoureffortstoliveabalancedandfulfillinglife.Thesecrettolivinganenjoyable,rewardinglifeistobalancepleasureand

achievement,and tobemindfulof the relative importanceof these twokeydrivers.

ThePleasure/AchievementPrinciplecanbedefinedthus:Inordertolivea fulfilling life, we must strike a considered balance between pleasureandachievement.

Essentially, we need to become more aware of whether we tend to seekpleasureinourlives,orwhetherweinsteadstrivetoexperiencesatisfactionthroughachievingpersonalgoals. Inorder todevelopourawarenessof thisissue,wewillneedtolookatthetwokeyconceptsinalittlemoredetail.

PleasurePleasureisbasedonshort-termgratification.It’sfun,it’sindulgent,andit’sthebasisofhumour, enjoymentanda senseofcontentment.Withpleasure,we live in themoment.We feel aliveandwe love the sensualdelights thatareonoffer.Werelax,wefeelcomfortable,andwesoakuplifetothefull.Ourbaseinstinctsaretoseekpleasure,andformany,experiencingpleasureistheultimategoalofalifewelllived!Wevalueanddefineourhappinessinthisway.Werememberthefunthatwe’vehad.When we are pleasure focused, life is to be savoured; it is to be

appreciated for the way that it is.We are happy to simply enjoy.We feelrelaxed, andwe lookbackon adayofpleasurable experiences.Our smilesarehappysmiles.

SatisfactionSatisfactionisdifferent.Itisbasedontheachievementofpersonalgoals.Wesetgoals,weachieve them,andwe feel satisfiedasa result.Satisfaction isusuallyachievedbyoverridingtheshort-termpainanddiscomfortofactionin pursuit of a chosen goal.We dig deep and admire our strength and ourenergy.Wevaluemotivation,driveandambition.Weclimbmountains;wewingold.Werememberthethingsthatwe’veachieved.Whenweare achievement focused, there are always improvements tobe

made, things to learnandopportunities toexplore.Wemake lists,weworkhard,andbytheendofthedaywearetired.Welookbackatwhatwehave

achieved.Oursmilesaresatisfiedsmiles.

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Whilepleasure tends tobea transientexperience, feelingsof satisfactionareusuallylongerlasting.Someofuslookforwhatthereistobeenjoyedinthepresent, right now.Others look ahead towhat couldbe achieved in thefuture,and theyalso lookback to rememberwhathasbeenachieved in thepast.Theyvalueoutcomesthatoccurovertime.

Pleasure,achievementandlifestyleproblemsWhen a pleasure focus becomes excessive, we can find ourselves driftinginto a variety of unhealthy lifestyles. Pleasurable indulgence can lead tolaziness, depressive lethargy, or self-control issues.We show an excess ofwhat psychologists call consummatory behaviours, where we ‘consume’opportunities for pleasure.We seek comfort and contentment in our lives.Weoftenbecomecomplacentwithourselves,andourphysicalhealthsuffers.When an achievement focus becomes excessive, however, different

problems emerge. The drive to achieve can result in stress, anxiety and ageneralised inability to relax or feel good about ourselves. We liveappetitively, where we are ‘hungry’ and constantly needing to satisfy our‘appetite’ for more.We often carry a generalised restlessness in our dailylives. We are always looking ahead and trying to improve. There is acontinualurgetoeffectchange.Lifeisalwaysfullofpossibilities,butitcanbecomeatiringthemebothforourselvesandforthosearoundus.Clearly, a number of clinical problems can arise if there is a significant

imbalancebetweenpleasureandachievementinourlives.An excessive focus on pleasure will lead to a certain class of lifestyle

problems. Most self-control issues for individuals—such as over-eating,alcoholor substance abuseandgambling—arebasedonanexcessive focusonshort-termpleasure.Webecomeover-indulgent.Tocounter this, self-controlprogramswill set cleargoals for individuals

toachieve.Weareencouraged to loseweight, to savemoneyor togiveupsmoking.Wekeep recordsandwemonitorprogress.Andwhenweachieveour goals, we feel satisfied. By exercising self-control, we are essentially

refocusing on experiencing a sense of ‘satisfaction’ in the longer term,insteadofchoosingmore‘pleasurable’experiencesintheshorterterm.Similarly, most programs that promote physical fitness and health will

encourage us to make consistent lifestyle decisions based on achievement.These are always referenced towards the achievement of future, satisfyinggoals,ratherthantheenjoymentorpleasureofthepresentmoment.Inotherwords, we have to suspend current pleasure in order to achieve greatersatisfactioninthefuture.We often hear people saying, ‘I don’t like going to the gym.’ But few

people ever go to the gym because they enjoy it, or because they find it‘pleasurable’.Instead,theygoto‘achieve’fitnessandmuscletone.It’shardwork.But likework, thekeydriver for themis thesatisfactionexperiencedat theendof the session. Ifwehappen toenjoy it too, that’sgreat,but it’snot the key driver. For most of us, going to the gym is an ultimatelysatisfying activity if the goals are achieved. But it is rarely a pleasurableactivitywhileyou’reactuallythere!An excessive focus on achievement will create a different class of

psychologicalproblemsforanindividual.Therewillbeanover-emphasisonachievingcertaingoalsorstandards.Stress,burnoutandobsessiveproblemsall derive from an overvalued desire to achieve. People display anunrelenting drive to improve or to make changes. They seem restless andstriveforasatisfactionthatisrarelyattained.Theyaresopressuredandbusythat their relationships suffer. For these people, achievement must bebalancedwith a greater degree of pleasure in their lives. Essentially, thesefolkneedtolearntostopand‘smelltheroses’.

EmotionsandthePleasure/AchievementPrincipleOurmoodisalsodeterminedbythecomplexinterplaybetweenpleasureandachievement.Whenwefeelboredordepressed,wewillofteneatchocolate,lie in bed and generally indulge ourselves. We feel sad. We want to feelhappy.We attempt to compensate for our sadness by treating ourselves tosomepleasure.Wefocusonthisformofhappinessandtrytocheerourselvesupwithagood time.But thesepleasure-orientedactions serve togiveonlyshort-term respite from sadness before we sink back and feel even worsethanbefore.

Incontrasttotreatingourselveswithpleasurableexperienceswhenwefeeldepressed, we need instead to seek a deeper sense of happiness throughsatisfaction. The more lasting pathway out of depression is to set simplegoals,toestablishasenseofpurpose,andtoaimforamoreenduringsenseof satisfaction. By taking small, tangible steps towards a more activelifestyle,we achieve a steady accumulation of satisfying experiences.As aresult, the passive sense of helplessness that typically characterises adepressivemindset slowly dissipates. In thisway, it turns out that seekingsatisfactionistheprimaryantidotetodepression,notindulgingingratuitouspleasure.Paradoxically,anexcessiveindulgenceinpleasurewilleventuallyleaveus

feeling empty and flat. Life’s ‘endless party’ ceases to be fun and life canseem superficial. There is no momentum, no drive and no sense offulfilment. We become dissatisfied. We lack motivation or ambition, andultimately,lifecanfeelpointless.InChapterTen,wewillbriefly reviewa rangeofclinical issues thatcan

arise in everyday life, and that can be usefully considered from apleasure/achievementperspective.

AgeingwithstyleandpurposeTherelevanceofpleasureandsatisfactionoftenvariesatdifferentstagesofour lives. Different generations face different challenges, and commonproblemsandtensionswillarise.Teenagers and students, for example, face the constant dilemma of

balancing academic achievement with the more seductive pleasures ofpartyingaroundtown.Theirlivescanoftenbecomebasedontheunrelentingpursuitofsocialpleasures,attheexpenseofstudyandhardwork.Butthen,at the end of the year, life suddenly becomes all about grades again, andprioritiesneedtobehastilyreviewed!Invariably, decisions at this age are finely balanced between the urge to

experiencepleasureandtheneedtoachieve.Butwedonotalwaysrecogniseourowndecision-makingpatternsinthisrespect.Wedonotnecessarilyseethatwehavechoices.Asaresult,wesimplystumbleonthroughlifewithoutmuchpauseforthought.In addition, teenagers’ attitudes are also strongly shaped by the opinions

andvaluesofthosewhosurroundthem.Theinfluenceandattitudesoftheirpeers and role models are often a huge factor in shaping their lifestylevalues. Their heroes are either highly successful achievers in their chosenfield, or else they are highly engaging, charismatic personalities whofascinateusbecauseofwhotheyareratherthananythingtheyachieve.Atschool,didweprioritisehomeworkorTV?Didwespendourfreetime

inthelibrary,ordidwegoofofftothepark?Asstudents,didweprefer tospendour timein the libraryor in thepub?

Werewemoreoften found sittingat adeskor lyingon thecouch?Didwetendtogooutonthetownordidwechoosetohaveanearlynightinstead?Usually, unless we are particularly careful, it is those invitations to

pleasurethatdriveourdecisionsduringouryoungadultyears!During adult life, we all find ourselves caught up in an achievement-

oriented world. Developing careers, raising children and paying offmortgages all becomemajor themes to our lives. Promotions, social statusand the acquisition of wealth become more relevant. Often we resent thepressure,butit’sallaroundus.Everydayweareeithergettingalittlefurtheraheadoralittlefurtherbehind.But later ... at the other end of our adult lives, the pleasure/achievement

issue swingsaroundagain to theother extreme. Inretirement, thedilemmasuddenly becomes one of learning to disengage from a productive life andinstead value the opportunity to sit back and enjoy life for what it has tooffer.Thetransitionfrompleasuretoproductivityisagainreversed,andwelearntovaluethesimpleartofenjoymentoncemore.Grumpyoldmen are usually the direct result of a failure tomanage this

issue.As they age, they can no longer achieve to the same standard. Theybecomefrustratedat their inability toperformto thesamelevels.For them,thereissomuchtobegainedbysimplyshiftingsidewaystowardsagreaterpleasureorientationintheirlives,andtojustenjoylifeforwhatitis.In summary, we all tend to struggle with finding the right balance for

ourselves during life’s transitions. In Chapter Four, we shall be reviewingthe role of pleasure and achievement during the seven stages of our lives,and we will reflect on our personal journey so far in order to gain usefulinsights.

CHRISSKELLETT trained at theUniversityofBirmingham,England, andhasworked for over 30 years as a clinical psychologist.A former nationalpresident of the Hospital Psychologists Association, he has also served onthe executive boards of theNewZealandPsychologySociety and theNewZealandCollegeofClinicalPsychologists.Chrisisapopularworkshoppresenterandspeaker,andistheauthorofthe

widelyacclaimedbookWhenHappinessisNotEnough:Balancingpleasureand achievement in your life. His workshops focus on a) lifestyle balanceand b) the development of personal insight and valuing personal wisdom.Workshops can be tailored to specific groups on request and Chris isavailabletospeakinternationally.Chris ismarriedwith twoadultdaughters,havingrecently losthisson to

epilepsyattheageof21.HeliveswithhiswifeonasmallruralpropertyintheSouthIslandofNewZealand.

TofindoutmoreaboutChrisandhisworkshops,pleasevisit:www.chrisskellettconsulting.co.nz

Firstpublished2014

ExislePublishingPtyLtd‘Moonrising’,NaroneCreekRoad,Wollombi,NSW2325,AustraliaP.O.Box60–490,Titirangi,Auckland0642,NewZealandwww.exislepublishing.comCopyright©2014intext:ChrisSkellettChrisSkellettassertsthemoralrighttobeidentifiedastheauthorofthiswork.All rights reserved. Except for short extracts for the purpose of review, no part of this book may bereproduced, stored ina retrieval systemor transmitted inany formorbyanymeans,whether electronic,mechanical,photocopying,recordingorotherwise,withoutpriorwrittenpermissionfromthepublisher.ACiPrecordforthisBookisavailablefromtheNationalLibraryofAustralia.PrinteditionISBN9781921966422DesignandtypesettingbyChristabellaDesignsTypesetinBembo11/19ptePubISBN9781775591641Version1TheauthorwouldliketopayspecialthankstoJudithBeckPhD,forgivingpermissiontodisclosethestory‘Somethinginterestingalwayshappenswhenwegetlost’,thatappearsonthispage;andtoRussHarrisforpermissiontoreferenceonthispagequestionsusedinhisbookACTMadeSimple:AneasytoreadprimeronAcceptanceandCommitmentTherapy,NewHarbingerPublications,2009.Pleasenotethat,whereappropriateforreasonsofprivacy,nameshavebeenchanged.

DisclaimerWhilethisbookisintendedasageneralinformationresourceandallcarehasbeentakenincompilingthecontents,thisbookdoesnottakeaccountofindividualcircumstancesandisnotinanywayasubstituteforprofessionaladvice.Alwaysconsultaqualifiedpractitionerortherapist.Neitherthe

authornorthepublisherandtheirdistributorscanbeheldresponsibleforanyloss,claimoractionthatmayarisefromrelianceontheinformationcontainedinthisbook.

BACKCOVERMATERIALEach of us builds a collection of ‘simple truths’ about our world, ourrelationships andour personal identity.Thesehelpus tomake senseof thebusiness of being alive. But how often do we take the time to reflect andconsider the full depth and breadth of our ‘personal wisdom’? Are we sobusylivinglifeinthemomentthatwefail toseethebiggerpicture,tolookaheadandseewhereourlifepathistakingus?InThePowerof theSecondQuestion, psychologistChrisSkellett invites

you to liftup from thepracticalitiesof everyday life toconsider thebiggerpicture.Byaskingsearchingquestionsofyourself—‘secondquestions’—youwilldiscoverhowto:

...reflectpurposefullyuponyourkeylearningsinlife

...captureandvalueyour‘aha’momentsandpersonalinsights

...celebratethesimpletruthsthatexperiencehastaughtyou,and

...definemoreclearlywhoyouare,whatyouvalue,andwhereyouaregoing.

Both your personal self-awareness and the quality of your interactionswithotherscanimprovesignificantlyasaresultofstructuredself-reflection.Andyouwill come toappreciate that life isperhapsmoredeeplyenrichingandfulfillingthanyouhadeverrealisedbefore...