TheProjectGutenbergEBookofPygmalion,byGeorgeBernardShaw

ThiseBookisfortheuseofanyoneanywhereatnocostandwith

almostnorestrictionswhatsoever.Youmaycopyit,giveitawayor

re-useitunderthetermsoftheProjectGutenbergLicenseincluded

withthiseBookoronlineatwww.gutenberg.net

Title:Pygmalion

Author:GeorgeBernardShaw

PostingDate:May28,2009[EBook#3825]

ReleaseDate:March,2003

FirstPosted:September29,2001

LastUpdated:January19,2005

Language:English

***STARTOFTHISPROJECTGUTENBERGEBOOKPYGMALION***

ProducedbyEveSobol.HTMLversionbyAlHaines.

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: In the printed version of this text, all apostrophes forcontractions such as "can't", "wouldn't" and "he'd" were omitted, to read as "cant","wouldnt",and"hed".Thisetexteditionrestorestheomittedapostrophes.

PYGMALION

BERNARDSHAW

1912

ACT1ACT2ACT3ACT4ACT5

PREFACETOPYGMALION.

AProfessorofPhonetics.

Aswillbeseenlateron,Pygmalionneeds,notapreface,butasequel,whichIhavesuppliedinitsdueplace.TheEnglishhavenorespectfortheirlanguage,andwillnotteach their children to speak it. They spell it so abominably that no man can teachhimself what it sounds like. It is impossible for an Englishman to open his mouthwithoutmakingsomeotherEnglishmanhateordespisehim.GermanandSpanishareaccessible to foreigners: English is not accessible even to Englishmen. The reformerEnglandneedstodayisanenergeticphoneticenthusiast:thatiswhyIhavemadesucha one the hero of a popular play.There have been heroes of that kind crying in thewilderness formanyyearspast.WhenIbecame interested in thesubject towards theendoftheeighteen-seventies,MelvilleBellwasdead;butAlexanderJ.Elliswasstillaliving patriarch, with an impressive head always covered by a velvet skull cap, forwhich hewould apologize to publicmeetings in a very courtlymanner.He andTitoPagliardini, another phonetic veteran, were men whom it was impossible to dislike.HenrySweet,thenayoungman,lackedtheirsweetnessofcharacter:hewasaboutasconciliatory to conventionalmortals as IbsenorSamuelButler.His great ability as aphonetician(hewas,Ithink,thebestofthemallathisjob)wouldhaveentitledhimtohighofficialrecognition,andperhapsenabledhimtopopularizehissubject,butforhisSataniccontemptforallacademicdignitariesandpersonsingeneralwhothoughtmore

ofGreekthanofphonetics.Once,inthedayswhentheImperialInstituteroseinSouthKensington,andJosephChamberlainwasboomingtheEmpire,Iinducedtheeditorofa leading monthly review to commission an article from Sweet on the imperialimportanceofhissubject.Whenitarrived,itcontainednothingbutasavagelyderisiveattackonaprofessoroflanguageandliteraturewhosechairSweetregardedaspropertoaphoneticexpertonly.Thearticle,beinglibelous,hadtobereturnedasimpossible;andIhadtorenouncemydreamofdraggingitsauthorintothelimelight.WhenImethimafterwards,forthefirsttimeformanyyears,Ifoundtomyastonishmentthathe,whohadbeenaquitetolerablypresentableyoungman,hadactuallymanagedbysheerscorn to alter his personal appearance until he had become a sort of walkingrepudiation of Oxford and all its traditions. It must have been largely in his owndespite that hewas squeezed into something called aReadership of phonetics there.The future of phonetics rests probably with his pupils, who all swore by him; butnothingcouldbringthemanhimselfintoanysortofcompliancewiththeuniversity,towhichheneverthelessclungbydivinerightinanintenselyOxonianway.Idaresayhispapers, if he has left any, include some satires that may be published without toodestructive results fiftyyearshence.Hewas, Ibelieve,not in the leastan ill-naturedman:verymuchtheopposite,Ishouldsay;buthewouldnotsufferfoolsgladly.

Those who knew him will recognize in my third act the allusion to the patentShorthandinwhichheusedtowritepostcards,andwhichmaybeacquiredfromafourand six-penny manual published by the Clarendon Press. The postcards whichMrs.Higginsdescribes are suchas Ihave received fromSweet. Iwoulddecipher a soundwhich a cockney would represent by zerr, and a Frenchman by seu, and then writedemandingwithsomeheatwhatonearthitmeant.Sweet,withboundlesscontemptformystupidity,wouldreplythatitnotonlymeantbutobviouslywasthewordResult,asnootherWordcontaining that sound, andcapableofmaking sensewith the context,existedinanylanguagespokenonearth.Thatlessexpertmortalsshouldrequirefullerindications was beyond Sweet's patience. Therefore, though the whole point of his"Current Shorthand" is that it can express every sound in the language perfectly,vowels aswell as consonants, and that your hand has tomake no stroke except theeasyandcurrentoneswithwhichyouwritem,n,andu,l,p,andq,scribblingthematwhatever angle comes easiest to you, his unfortunate determination to make thisremarkable and quite legible script serve also as a Shorthand reduced it in his ownpracticetothemostinscrutableofcryptograms.Histrueobjectivewastheprovisionofafull,accurate,legiblescriptforournoblebutill-dressedlanguage;buthewasledpastthatbyhiscontemptforthepopularPitmansystemofShorthand,whichhecalledthePitfall system. The triumph of Pitmanwas a triumph of business organization: therewasaweeklypapertopersuadeyoutolearnPitman:therewerecheaptextbooksandexercise books and transcripts of speeches for you to copy, and schools where

experienced teachers coached you up to the necessary proficiency. Sweet could notorganizehismarketinthatfashion.HemightaswellhavebeentheSybilwhotoreuptheleavesofprophecythatnobodywouldattendto.Thefourandsix-pennymanual,mostly in his lithographed handwriting, that was never vulgarly advertized, mayperhapssomedaybetakenupbyasyndicateandpusheduponthepublicasTheTimespushedtheEncyclopaediaBritannica;butuntilthenitwillcertainlynotprevailagainstPitman.Ihaveboughtthreecopiesofitduringmylifetime;andIaminformedbythepublishers that its cloistered existence is still a steady and healthy one. I actuallylearned the system two several times; and yet the shorthand in which I am writingthese lines isPitman's.And the reason is, thatmysecretarycannot transcribeSweet,having been perforce taught in the schools of Pitman. Therefore, Sweet railed atPitmanasvainlyasThersitesrailedatAjax:hisraillery,howeveritmayhaveeasedhissoul,gavenopopularvoguetoCurrentShorthand.PygmalionHigginsisnotaportraitofSweet,towhomtheadventureofElizaDoolittlewouldhavebeenimpossible;still,aswill be seen, there are touches ofSweet in the play.WithHiggins's physique andtemperamentSweetmighthavesettheThamesonfire.Asitwas,heimpressedhimselfprofessionally onEurope to an extent thatmade his comparative personal obscurity,andthefailureofOxfordtodojusticetohiseminence,apuzzletoforeignspecialistsinhissubject.IdonotblameOxford,becauseIthinkOxfordisquiterightindemandinga certain social amenity from its nurslings (heaven knows it is not exorbitant in itsrequirements!); for although I well know how hard it is for aman of geniuswith aseriouslyunderratedsubjecttomaintainsereneandkindlyrelationswiththemenwhounderrate it, andwhokeep all the best places for less important subjectswhich theyprofesswithoutoriginalityandsometimeswithoutmuchcapacity for them,still, ifheoverwhelms themwithwrath and disdain, he cannot expect them to heap honors onhim.

OfthelatergenerationsofphoneticiansIknowlittle.AmongthemtowersthePoetLaureate, to whom perhaps Higgins may owe hisMiltonic sympathies, though hereagainImustdisclaimallportraiture.Butiftheplaymakesthepublicawarethattherearesuchpeopleasphoneticians,andthattheyareamongthemostimportantpeopleinEnglandatpresent,itwillserveitsturn.

IwishtoboastthatPygmalionhasbeenanextremelysuccessfulplayalloverEuropeandNorthAmericaaswellasathome.Itissointenselyanddeliberatelydidactic,anditssubjectisesteemedsodry,thatIdelightinthrowingitattheheadsofthewiseacreswho repeat the parrot cry that art should never be didactic. It goes to prove mycontentionthatartshouldneverbeanythingelse.

Finally,andfortheencouragementofpeopletroubledwithaccentsthatcutthemofffromallhighemployment,ImayaddthatthechangewroughtbyProfessorHigginsin

theflowergirl isneitherimpossiblenoruncommon.Themodernconcierge'sdaughterwho fulfils her ambition by playing the Queen of Spain in Ruy Blas at the TheatreFrancais is only one ofmany thousands ofmen andwomenwho have sloughed offtheir native dialects and acquired a new tongue. But the thing has to be donescientifically, or the last stateof the aspirantmaybeworse than the first.Anhonestandnaturalslumdialectismoretolerablethantheattemptofaphoneticallyuntaughtpersontoimitatethevulgardialectofthegolfclub;andIamsorrytosaythatinspiteof the efforts of ourAcademy ofDramaticArt, there is still toomuch sham golfingEnglishonourstage,andtoolittleofthenobleEnglishofForbesRobertson.

ACTI

Covent Garden at 11.15 p.m. Torrents of heavy summer rain. Cabwhistles blowingfrantically inalldirections.Pedestrians running for shelter into themarketandundertheporticoofSt.Paul'sChurch,wheretherearealreadyseveralpeople,amongthemaladyandherdaughterineveningdress.Theyareallpeeringoutgloomilyattherain,exceptonemanwithhisbackturnedtotherest,whoseemswhollypreoccupiedwithanotebookinwhichheiswritingbusily.

Thechurchclockstrikesthefirstquarter.

THEDAUGHTER[inthespacebetweenthecentralpillars,closetotheoneonherleft]I'mgettingchilledtothebone.WhatcanFreddybedoingallthistime?He'sbeengonetwentyminutes.

THEMOTHER[onherdaughter'sright]Notsolong.Butheoughttohavegotusacabbythis.

ABYSTANDER[onthelady'sright]Hewon'tgetnocabnotuntilhalf-pasteleven,missus,whentheycomebackafterdroppingtheirtheatrefares.

THEMOTHER.Butwemusthaveacab.Wecan'tstandhereuntilhalf-pasteleven.It'stoobad.

THEBYSTANDER.Well,itain'tmyfault,missus.

THEDAUGHTER.IfFreddyhadabitofgumption,hewouldhavegotoneatthetheatredoor.

THEMOTHER.Whatcouldhehavedone,poorboy?

THEDAUGHTER.Otherpeoplegotcabs.Whycouldn'the?

FreddyrushesinoutoftherainfromtheSouthamptonStreetside,andcomesbetweenthemclosing a dripping umbrella. He is a young man of twenty, in evening dress, very wetaroundtheankles.

THEDAUGHTER.Well,haven'tyougotacab?

FREDDY.There'snotonetobehadforloveormoney.

THEMOTHER.Oh,Freddy,theremustbeone.Youcan'thavetried.

THEDAUGHTER.It'stootiresome.Doyouexpectustogoandgetoneourselves?

FREDDY.Itellyouthey'reallengaged.Therainwassosudden:nobodywasprepared;andeverybodyhadtotakeacab.I'vebeentoCharingCrossonewayandnearlytoLudgateCircustheother;andtheywereallengaged.

THEMOTHER.DidyoutryTrafalgarSquare?

FREDDY.Therewasn'toneatTrafalgarSquare.

THEDAUGHTER.Didyoutry?

FREDDY.ItriedasfarasCharingCrossStation.DidyouexpectmetowalktoHammersmith?

THEDAUGHTER.Youhaven'ttriedatall.

THEMOTHER.Youreallyareveryhelpless,Freddy.Goagain;anddon'tcomebackuntilyouhavefoundacab.

FREDDY.Ishallsimplygetsoakedfornothing.

THEDAUGHTER.Andwhat about us?Arewe to stay here all night in this draught,with next tonothingon.Youselfishpig—

FREDDY.Oh,verywell:I'llgo,I'llgo.[HeopenshisumbrellaanddashesoffStrandwards,butcomesintocollisionwithaflowergirl,whoishurryinginforshelter,knockingherbasketoutofherhands.Ablindingflashoflightning,followedinstantlybyarattlingpealofthunder,orchestratestheincident]

THEFLOWERGIRL.Nahthen,Freddy:lookwh'y'gowin,deah.

FREDDY.Sorry[herushesoff].

THE FLOWERGIRL [picking up her scattered flowers and replacing them in the basket] There'smenners f' yer!Te-oobanchesovoylets trod into themad. [She sitsdownon theplinthof thecolumn, sorting her flowers, on the lady's right. She is not at all an attractive person. She isperhapseighteen,perhapstwenty,hardlyolder.ShewearsalittlesailorhatofblackstrawthathaslongbeenexposedtothedustandsootofLondonandhasseldomifeverbeenbrushed.Herhairneedswashingratherbadly:itsmousycolorcanhardlybenatural.Shewearsashoddyblackcoatthatreachesnearlytoherkneesandisshapedtoherwaist.Shehasabrownskirtwithacoarseapron.Herbootsaremuchtheworseforwear.Sheisnodoubtascleanasshecanaffordtobe;but compared to the ladies she is very dirty. Her features are no worse than theirs; but theirconditionleavessomethingtobedesired;andsheneedstheservicesofadentist].

THEMOTHER.Howdoyouknowthatmyson'snameisFreddy,pray?

THEFLOWERGIRL.Ow,eezye-ooasan, ise?Wal,fewddany'de-ootybawmzamathershould,eednowbetterntospawlaporegel'sflahrznthanranawyatbahtpyin.Willye-oopymef'them?[Here,withapologies,thisdesperateattempttorepresentherdialectwithoutaphoneticalphabetmustbeabandonedasunintelligibleoutsideLondon.]

THEDAUGHTER.Donothingofthesort,mother.Theidea!

THEMOTHER.Pleaseallowme,Clara.Haveyouanypennies?

THEDAUGHTER.No.I'venothingsmallerthansixpence.

THEFLOWERGIRL[hopefully]Icangiveyouchangeforatanner,kindlady.

THEMOTHER[toClara]Giveittome.[Clarapartsreluctantly].Now[tothegirl]Thisisforyourflowers.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Thankyoukindly,lady.

THEDAUGHTER.Makehergiveyouthechange.Thesethingsareonlyapennyabunch.

THEMOTHER.Doholdyourtongue,Clara.[Tothegirl].Youcankeepthechange.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Oh,thankyou,lady.

THEMOTHER.Nowtellmehowyouknowthatyounggentleman'sname.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Ididn't.

THEMOTHER.Iheardyoucallhimbyit.Don'ttrytodeceiveme.

THEFLOWERGIRL[protesting]Who'stryingtodeceiveyou?IcalledhimFreddyorCharliesameasyoumightyourselfifyouwastalkingtoastrangerandwishedtobepleasant.[Shesitsdownbesideherbasket].

THEDAUGHTER.Sixpencethrownaway!Really,mamma,youmighthavesparedFreddythat.[Sheretreatsindisgustbehindthepillar].

Anelderlygentlemanoftheamiablemilitarytyperushesintoshelter,andclosesadrippingumbrella.He is in the sameplight asFreddy,verywet about theankles.He is ineveningdress,withalightovercoat.Hetakestheplaceleftvacantbythedaughter'sretirement.

THEGENTLEMAN.Phew!

THEMOTHER[tothegentleman]Oh,sir,isthereanysignofitsstopping?

THEGENTLEMAN.I'mafraidnot.Itstartedworsethaneverabouttwominutesago.[Hegoestotheplinthbesidetheflowergirl;putsuphisfootonit;andstoopstoturndownhistrouserends].

THEMOTHER.Oh,dear![Sheretiressadlyandjoinsherdaughter].

THEFLOWERGIRL [taking advantageof themilitarygentleman's proximity to establish friendlyrelationswithhim].Ifit'sworseit'sasignit'snearlyover.Socheerup,Captain;andbuyafloweroffapoorgirl.

THEGENTLEMAN.I'msorry,Ihaven'tanychange.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Icangiveyouchange,Captain,

THEGENTLEMEN.Forasovereign?I'venothingless.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Garn!Ohdobuya floweroffme,Captain. Icanchangehalf-a-crown.Takethisfortuppence.

THEGENTLEMAN.Now don't be troublesome: there's a good girl. [Trying his pockets] I reallyhaven'tanychange—Stop:here's threehapence, if that'sanyuse toyou[heretreats to theotherpillar].

THEFLOWERGIRL[disappointed,butthinkingthreehalfpencebetterthannothing]Thankyou,sir.

THEBYSTANDER[tothegirl]Youbecareful:givehimaflowerforit.There'sablokeherebehindtakingdowneveryblessedwordyou'resaying.[Allturntothemanwhoistakingnotes].

THE FLOWER GIRL [springing up terrified] I ain't done nothing wrong by speaking to thegentleman.I'vearighttosellflowersifIkeepoffthekerb.[Hysterically]I'marespectablegirl:sohelpme, I never spoke tohimexcept to askhim tobuy a floweroffme. [General hubbub,mostly sympathetic to the flower girl, but deprecating her excessive sensibility.Cries ofDon'tstart hollerin.Who's hurting you?Nobody's going to touch you.What's the good of fussing?Steadyon.Easy,easy,etc.,comefromtheelderlystaidspectators,whopathercomfortingly.Lesspatientonesbidhershutherhead,oraskherroughlywhatiswrongwithher.Aremotergroup,notknowingwhatthematteris,crowdinandincreasethenoisewithquestionandanswer:What'sthe row?What she do?Where is he?A tec takingher down.What! him?Yes: himover there:Tookmoneyoffthegentleman,etc.Theflowergirl,distraughtandmobbed,breaksthroughthemtothegentleman,cryingmildly]Oh,sir,don'tlethimchargeme.Youdunnowhatitmeanstome.They'lltakeawaymycharacteranddrivemeonthestreetsforspeakingtogentlemen.They—

THENOTETAKER[comingforwardonherright,therestcrowdingafterhim]There,there,there,there!Who'shurtingyou,yousillygirl?Whatdoyoutakemefor?

THEBYSTANDER. It'sall right:he'sagentleman: lookathisboots. [Explaining to thenote taker]Shethoughtyouwasacopper'snark,sir.

THENOTETAKER[withquickinterest]What'sacopper'snark?

THEBYSTANDER[ineptatdefinition]It'sa—well,it'sacopper'snark,asyoumightsay.Whatelsewouldyoucallit?Asortofinformer.

THEFLOWERGIRL[stillhysterical]ItakemyBibleoathIneversaidaword—

THE NOTE TAKER [overbearing but good-humored] Oh, shut up, shut up. Do I look like apoliceman?

THEFLOWERGIRL[far fromreassured]Thenwhatdidyou takedownmywordsfor?HowdoIknowwhetheryoutookmedownright?Youjustshowmewhatyou'vewroteaboutme.[Thenotetakeropenshisbookandholdsitsteadilyunderhernose,thoughthepressureofthemobtryingtoreaditoverhisshoulderswouldupsetaweakerman].What'sthat?Thatain'tproperwriting.Ican'treadthat.

THENOTETAKER.Ican.[Reads,reproducingherpronunciationexactly]"Cheerap,Keptin;n'hawyaflahrorfaporegel."

THEFLOWERGIRL[muchdistressed] It'sbecause IcalledhimCaptain. Imeantnoharm. [To thegentleman]Oh,sir,don'tlethimlayachargeagenmeforawordlikethat.You—

THEGENTLEMAN.Charge!Imakenocharge.[Tothenotetaker]Really,sir,ifyouareadetective,youneednotbeginprotectingmeagainstmolestationbyyoungwomenuntilIaskyou.Anybodycouldseethatthegirlmeantnoharm.

THE BYSTANDERS GENERALLY [demonstrating against police espionage] Course they could.Whatbusinessisitofyours?Youmindyourownaffairs.Hewantspromotion,hedoes.Takingdownpeople'swords!Girlneversaidawordtohim.Whatharmifshedid?Nicethingagirlcan'tshelter from the rain without being insulted, etc., etc., etc. [She is conducted by the moresympatheticdemonstratorsbacktoherplinth,wheresheresumesherseatandstruggleswithheremotion].

THEBYSTANDER.Heain'tatec.He'sabloomingbusybody:that'swhatheis.Itellyou,lookathisboots.

THENOTETAKER[turningonhimgenially]AndhowareallyourpeopledownatSelsey?

THEBYSTANDER[suspiciously]WhotoldyoumypeoplecomefromSelsey?

THENOTETAKER.Neveryoumind.Theydid.[Tothegirl]Howdoyoucometobeupsofareast?YouwereborninLissonGrove.

THEFLOWERGIRL[appalled]Oh,whatharmisthereinmyleavingLissonGrove?Itwasn'tfitforapigtolivein;andIhadtopayfour-and-sixaweek.[Intears]Oh,boo—hoo—oo—

THENOTETAKER.Livewhereyoulike;butstopthatnoise.

THEGENTLEMAN[tothegirl]Come,come!hecan'ttouchyou:youhavearighttolivewhereyouplease.

A SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [thrusting himself between the note taker and the gentleman] ParkLane,forinstance.I'dliketogointotheHousingQuestionwithyou,Iwould.

THEFLOWERGIRL[subsidingintoabroodingmelancholyoverherbasket,andtalkingverylow-spiritedlytoherself]I'magoodgirl,Iam.

THESARCASTICBYSTANDER[notattendingtoher]DoyouknowwhereIcomefrom?

THENOTETAKER[promptly]Hoxton.

Titterings.Popularinterestinthenotetaker'sperformanceincreases.

THESARCASTICONE[amazed]Well,whosaidIdidn't?Blyme!Youknoweverything,youdo.

THEFLOWERGIRL[stillnursinghersenseofinjury]Ain'tnocalltomeddlewithme,heain't.

THEBYSTANDER[toher]Ofcourseheain't.Don'tyoustanditfromhim.[Tothenotetaker]Seehere:whatcallhaveyoutoknowaboutpeoplewhatneverofferedtomeddlewithyou?Where'syourwarrant?

SEVERALBYSTANDERS[encouragedbythisseemingpointoflaw]Yes:where'syourwarrant?

THEFLOWERGIRL.Lethimsaywhathelikes.Idon'twanttohavenotruckwithhim.

THEBYSTANDER.Youtakeusfordirtunderyourfeet,don'tyou?Catchyoutakinglibertieswithagentleman!

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER. Yes: tell HIM where he come from if you want to go fortune-telling.

THENOTETAKER.Cheltenham,Harrow,Cambridge,andIndia.

THEGENTLEMAN.Quiteright.[Greatlaughter.Reactioninthenotetaker'sfavor.ExclamationsofHeknowsallaboutit.Toldhimproper.Hearhimtellthetoffwherehecomefrom?etc.].MayIask,sir,doyoudothisforyourlivingatamusichall?

THENOTETAKER.I'vethoughtofthat.PerhapsIshallsomeday.

Therainhasstopped;andthepersonsontheoutsideofthecrowdbegintodropoff.

THEFLOWERGIRL[resentingthereaction]He'snogentleman,heain't,tointerferewithapoorgirl.

THEDAUGHTER[outofpatience,pushingherwayrudelytothefrontanddisplacingthegentleman,whopolitely retires to the other side of the pillar]What on earth is Freddy doing? I shall getpneumoniaifIstayinthisdraughtanylonger.

THENOTETAKER[tohimself,hastilymakinganoteofherpronunciationof"monia"]Earlscourt.

THEDAUGHTER[violently]Willyoupleasekeepyourimpertinentremarkstoyourself?

THENOTETAKER.Did I say that out loud? I didn'tmean to. I beg your pardon. Yourmother'sEpsom,unmistakeably.

THEMOTHER[advancingbetweenherdaughterandthenotetaker]Howverycurious!IwasbroughtupinLargeladyPark,nearEpsom.

THENOTE TAKER [uproariously amused] Ha! ha!What a devil of a name! Excuseme. [To thedaughter]Youwantacab,doyou?

THEDAUGHTER.Don'tdarespeaktome.

THEMOTHER. Oh, please, please Clara. [Her daughter repudiates her with an angry shrug andretires haughtily.]We shouldbe sograteful to you, sir, if you foundus a cab. [Thenote takerproduces awhistle].Oh, thank you. [She joins her daughter]. The note taker blows a piercingblast.

THESARCASTICBYSTANDER.There!Iknowedhewasaplain-clothescopper.

THEBYSTANDER.Thatain'tapolicewhistle:that'sasportingwhistle.

THEFLOWERGIRL [stillpreoccupiedwithherwounded feelings]He'sno right to takeawaymycharacter.Mycharacteristhesametomeasanylady's.

THENOTETAKER.Idon'tknowwhetheryou'venoticedit;buttherainstoppedabouttwominutesago.

THEBYSTANDER.Soithas.Whydidn'tyousaysobefore?anduslosingourtimelisteningtoyoursilliness.[HewalksofftowardstheStrand].

THESARCASTICBYSTANDER.Icantellwhereyoucomefrom.YoucomefromAnwell.Gobackthere.

THENOTETAKER[helpfully]Hanwell.

THESARCASTICBYSTANDER[affectinggreatdistinctionofspeech]Thenkyou,teacher.Hawhaw!Solong[hetoucheshishatwithmockrespectandstrollsoff].

THEFLOWERGIRL.Frighteningpeoplelikethat!Howwouldhelikeithimself.

THEMOTHER.It'squitefinenow,Clara.Wecanwalktoamotorbus.Come.[ShegathersherskirtsaboveheranklesandhurriesofftowardstheStrand].

THEDAUGHTER. But the cab—[her mother is out of hearing]. Oh, how tiresome! [She followsangrily].

All the rest have gone except the note taker, the gentleman, and the flower girl,who sitsarrangingherbasket,andstillpityingherselfinmurmurs.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Poorgirl!Hardenoughforhertolivewithoutbeingworritedandchivied.

THEGENTLEMAN[returningtohisformerplaceonthenotetaker'sleft]Howdoyoudoit,ifImayask?

THENOTETAKER.Simplyphonetics.Thescienceofspeech.That'smyprofession;alsomyhobby.Happy is the man who can make a living by his hobby! You can spot an Irishman or a

Yorkshiremanbyhisbrogue. I canplaceanymanwithin sixmiles. I canplacehimwithin twomilesinLondon.Sometimeswithintwostreets.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Oughttobeashamedofhimself,unmanlycoward!

THEGENTLEMAN.Butistherealivinginthat?

THENOTETAKER.Ohyes.Quiteafatone.Thisisanageofupstarts.MenbegininKentishTownwith80poundsayear,andendinParkLanewithahundredthousand.TheywanttodropKentishTown;buttheygivethemselvesawayeverytimetheyopentheirmouths.NowIcanteachthem—

THEFLOWERGIRL.Lethimmindhisownbusinessandleaveapoorgirl—

THENOTETAKER[explosively]Woman:ceasethisdetestableboohooinginstantly;orelseseektheshelterofsomeotherplaceofworship.

THEFLOWERGIRL[withfeebledefiance]I'vearighttobehereifIlike,sameasyou.

THENOTETAKER.Awomanwhoutterssuchdepressinganddisgustingsoundshasnorighttobeanywhere—norighttolive.Rememberthatyouareahumanbeingwithasoulandthedivinegiftofarticulatespeech:thatyournativelanguageisthelanguageofShakespearandMiltonandTheBible;anddon'tsittherecrooninglikeabiliouspigeon.

THEFLOWERGIRL[quiteoverwhelmed,andlookingupathiminmingledwonderanddeprecationwithoutdaringtoraiseherhead]Ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—oo!

THENOTETAKER[whippingouthisbook]Heavens!whatasound![Hewrites;thenholdsoutthebookandreads,reproducinghervowelsexactly]Ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—ow—oo!

THEFLOWERGIRL[tickledbytheperformance,andlaughinginspiteofherself]Garn!

THENOTETAKER.YouseethiscreaturewithherkerbstoneEnglish:theEnglishthatwillkeepherintheguttertotheendofherdays.Well,sir,inthreemonthsIcouldpassthatgirloffasaduchessat an ambassador's gardenparty. I could evenget her a place as lady'smaidor shop assistant,whichrequiresbetterEnglish.That'sthesortofthingIdoforcommercialmillionaires.AndontheprofitsofitIdogenuinescientificworkinphonetics,andalittleasapoetonMiltoniclines.

THEGENTLEMAN.IammyselfastudentofIndiandialects;and—

THE NOTE TAKER [eagerly] Are you? Do you know Colonel Pickering, the author of SpokenSanscrit?

THEGENTLEMAN.IamColonelPickering.Whoareyou?

THENOTETAKER.HenryHiggins,authorofHiggins'sUniversalAlphabet.

PICKERING[withenthusiasm]IcamefromIndiatomeetyou.

HIGGINS.IwasgoingtoIndiatomeetyou.

PICKERING.Wheredoyoulive?

HIGGINS.27AWimpoleStreet.Comeandseemetomorrow.

PICKERING.I'mattheCarlton.Comewithmenowandlet'shaveajawoversomesupper.

HIGGINS.Rightyouare.

THEFLOWERGIRL[toPickering,ashepassesher]Buyaflower,kindgentleman.I'mshortformylodging.

PICKERING.Ireallyhaven'tanychange.I'msorry[hegoesaway].

HIGGINS[shockedatgirl'smendacity]Liar.Yousaidyoucouldchangehalf-a-crown.

THEFLOWERGIRL[risingindesperation]Yououghttobestuffedwithnails,youought.[Flingingthebasketathisfeet]Takethewholebloomingbasketforsixpence.

Thechurchclockstrikesthesecondquarter.

HIGGINS[hearinginitthevoiceofGod,rebukinghimforhisPharisaicwantofcharitytothepoorgirl]Areminder.[Heraiseshishatsolemnly;thenthrowsahandfulofmoneyintothebasketandfollowsPickering].

THEFLOWERGIRL[pickingupahalf-crown]Ah—ow—ooh![Pickingupacoupleofflorins]Aaah—ow—ooh! [Picking up several coins] Aaaaaah—ow—ooh! [Picking up a half-sovereign]Aasaaaaaaaaah—ow—ooh!!!

FREDDY[springingoutofataxicab]Gotoneat last.Hallo![Tothegirl]Wherearethetwoladiesthatwerehere?

THEFLOWERGIRL.Theywalkedtothebuswhentherainstopped.

FREDDY.Andleftmewithacabonmyhands.Damnation!

THEFLOWERGIRL[withgrandeur]Neveryoumind,youngman.I'mgoinghomeina taxi. [Shesailsofftothecab.Thedriverputshishandbehindhimandholdsthedoorfirmlyshutagainsther.Quiteunderstandinghismistrust,sheshowshimherhandfulofmoney].Eightpenceain'tnoobjecttome,Charlie.[Hegrinsandopensthedoor].AngelCourt,DruryLane,roundthecornerofMicklejohn'soilshop.Let'sseehowfastyoucanmakeherhopit. [Shegets inandpulls thedoortowithaslamasthetaxicabstarts].

FREDDY.Well,I'mdashed!

ACTII

Nextday at 11 a.m.Higgins's laboratory inWimpoleStreet. It is a roomon the firstfloor,lookingonthestreet,andwasmeantforthedrawing-room.Thedoubledoorsareinthemiddleofthebackhall;andpersonsenteringfindinthecornertotheirrighttwotallfilecabinetsatrightanglestooneanotheragainstthewalls.Inthiscornerstandsaflat writing-table, on which are a phonograph, a laryngoscope, a row of tiny organpipeswithabellows,asetoflampchimneysforsingingflameswithburnersattachedtoagaspluginthewallbyanindiarubbertube,severaltuning-forksofdifferentsizes,alife-sizeimageofhalfahumanhead,showinginsectionthevocalorgans,andaboxcontainingasupplyofwaxcylindersforthephonograph.

Further down the room, on the same side, is a fireplace,with a comfortable leather-coveredeasy-chairatthesideofthehearthnearestthedoor,andacoal-scuttle.Thereis a clock on the mantelpiece. Between the fireplace and the phonograph table is astandfornewspapers.

Ontheothersideof thecentraldoor, to theleftof thevisitor, isacabinetofshallowdrawers.Onitisatelephoneandthetelephonedirectory.Thecornerbeyond,andmostof the sidewall, isoccupiedbyagrandpiano,with thekeyboardat theend furthestfromthedoor,andabenchfortheplayerextendingthefulllengthofthekeyboard.Onthepianoisadessertdishheapedwithfruitandsweets,mostlychocolates.

Themiddleoftheroomisclear.Besidestheeasychair,thepianobench,andtwochairsat thephonograph table, there isone straychair. It standsnear the fireplace.On thewalls,engravings;mostlyPiranesisandmezzotintportraits.Nopaintings.

Pickering isseatedat the table,puttingdownsomecardsanda tuning-forkwhichhehas been using. Higgins is standing up near him, closing two or three file drawerswhicharehangingout.Heappears in themorning light as a robust,vital, appetizingsortofmanoffortyorthereabouts,dressedinaprofessional-lookingblackfrock-coatwith a white linen collar and black silk tie. He is of the energetic, scientific type,heartily, even violently interested in everything that can be studied as a scientificsubject,andcarelessabouthimselfandotherpeople,includingtheirfeelings.Heis,infact, but for his years and size, rather like a very impetuous baby "taking notice"eagerly and loudly, and requiring almost as much watching to keep him out ofunintended mischief. His manner varies from genial bullying when he is in a goodhumortostormypetulancewhenanythinggoeswrong;butheissoentirelyfrankandvoidofmalicethatheremainslikeableeveninhisleastreasonablemoments.

HIGGINS[asheshutsthelastdrawer]Well,Ithinkthat'sthewholeshow.

PICKERING.It'sreallyamazing.Ihaven'ttakenhalfofitin,youknow.

HIGGINS.Wouldyouliketogooveranyofitagain?

PICKERING[risingandcoming to the fireplace,whereheplantshimselfwithhisback to the fire]No,thankyou;notnow.I'mquitedoneupforthismorning.

HIGGINS[followinghim,andstandingbesidehimonhisleft]Tiredoflisteningtosounds?

PICKERING.Yes. It's a fearful strain. I rather fanciedmyselfbecause I canpronounce twenty-fourdistinctvowelsounds;butyourhundredandthirtybeatme.Ican'thearabitofdifferencebetweenmostofthem.

HIGGINS[chuckling,andgoingover to thepiano toeatsweets]Oh, thatcomeswithpractice.Youhear no difference at first; but you keep on listening, and presently you find they're all asdifferentasAfromB.[Mrs.Pearcelooksin:sheisHiggins'shousekeeper]What'sthematter?

MRS.PEARCE[hesitating,evidentlyperplexed]Ayoungwomanwantstoseeyou,sir.

HIGGINS.Ayoungwoman!Whatdoesshewant?

MRS.PEARCE.Well,sir,shesaysyou'llbegladtoseeherwhenyouknowwhatshe'scomeabout.She'squiteacommongirl,sir.Verycommonindeed.Ishouldhavesentheraway,onlyIthoughtperhapsyouwantedhertotalkintoyourmachines.IhopeI'venotdonewrong;butreallyyouseesuchqueerpeoplesometimes—you'llexcuseme,I'msure,sir—

HIGGINS.Oh,that'sallright,Mrs.Pearce.Hassheaninterestingaccent?

MRS.PEARCE.Oh,somethingdreadful,sir,really.Idon'tknowhowyoucantakeaninterestinit.

HIGGINS[toPickering]Let'shaveherup.Showherup,Mrs.Pearce[herushesacrosstohisworkingtableandpicksoutacylindertouseonthephonograph].

MRS.PEARCE[onlyhalfresignedtoit]Verywell,sir.It'sforyoutosay.[Shegoesdownstairs].

HIGGINS.Thisisratherabitofluck.I'llshowyouhowImakerecords.We'llsethertalking;andI'lltake it down first inBell's visible Speech; then in broadRomic; and thenwe'll get her on thephonographsothatyoucanturnheronasoftenasyoulikewiththewrittentranscriptbeforeyou.

MRS.PEARCE[returning]Thisistheyoungwoman,sir.

Theflowergirlenters instate.Shehasahatwiththreeostrichfeathers,orange,sky-blue,andred.Shehasanearlycleanapron,andtheshoddycoathasbeentidiedalittle.Thepathosofthisdeplorablefigure,withitsinnocentvanityandconsequentialair,touchesPickering,whohasalreadystraightenedhimselfinthepresenceofMrs.Pearce.ButastoHiggins,theonlydistinctionhemakesbetweenmenandwomenisthatwhenheisneitherbullyingnorexclaiming to theheavensagainst some featherweightcross,hecoaxeswomenasachildcoaxesitsnursewhenitwantstogetanythingoutofher.

HIGGINS [brusquely, recognizing her with unconcealed disappointment, and at once, baby-like,makinganintolerablegrievanceofit]Why,thisisthegirlIjotteddownlastnight.She'snouse:

I've got all the records Iwant of the LissonGrove lingo; and I'm not going towaste anothercylinderonit.[Tothegirl]Beoffwithyou:Idon'twantyou.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Don'tyoubesosaucy.Youain'theardwhatIcomeforyet.[ToMrs.Pearce,whoiswaitingatthedoorforfurtherinstruction]DidyoutellhimIcomeinataxi?

MRS.PEARCE.Nonsense,girl!whatdoyouthinkagentlemanlikeMr.Higginscareswhatyoucamein?

THEFLOWERGIRL.Oh,weareproud!Heain'tabovegivinglessons,nothim:Iheardhimsayso.Well,Iain'tcomeheretoaskforanycompliment;andifmymoney'snotgoodenoughIcangoelsewhere.

HIGGINS.Goodenoughforwhat?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Good enough for ye—oo. Now you know, don't you? I'm come to havelessons,Iam.Andtopayforemtoo:makenomistake.

HIGGINS[stupent]WELL!!! [Recoveringhisbreathwithagasp]Whatdoyouexpectme tosay toyou?

THEFLOWERGIRL.Well,ifyouwasagentleman,youmightaskmetositdown,Ithink.Don'tItellyouI'mbringingyoubusiness?

HIGGINS.Pickering:shallweaskthisbaggagetositdownorshallwethrowheroutofthewindow?

THEFLOWERGIRL[runningawayinterrortothepiano,wheresheturnsatbay]Ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—ow—oo![Woundedandwhimpering]Iwon'tbecalledabaggagewhenI'veofferedtopaylikeanylady.

Motionless,thetwomenstareatherfromtheothersideoftheroom,amazed.

PICKERING[gently]Whatisityouwant,mygirl?

THEFLOWERGIRL.IwanttobealadyinaflowershopsteadofsellingatthecornerofTottenhamCourtRoad.But theywon't takemeunless I can talkmoregenteel.Hesaidhecould teachme.Well,hereIamreadytopayhim—notaskinganyfavor—andhetreatsmeasifIwasdirt.

MRS.PEARCE.HowcanyoubesuchafoolishignorantgirlastothinkyoucouldaffordtopayMr.Higgins?

THEFLOWERGIRL.Whyshouldn'tI?Iknowwhatlessonscostaswellasyoudo;andI'mreadytopay.

HIGGINS.Howmuch?

THEFLOWERGIRL[comingbacktohim,triumphant]Nowyou'retalking!Ithoughtyou'dcomeoffit when you saw a chance of getting back a bit of what you chucked at me last night.[Confidentially]You'dhadadropin,hadn'tyou?

HIGGINS[peremptorily]Sitdown.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Oh,ifyou'regoingtomakeacomplimentofit—

HIGGINS[thunderingather]Sitdown.

MRS. PEARCE [severely] Sit down, girl. Do as you're told. [She places the stray chair near thehearthrugbetweenHigginsandPickering,andstandsbehinditwaitingforthegirltositdown].

THEFLOWERGIRL.Ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—oo![Shestands,halfrebellious,halfbewildered].

PICKERING[verycourteous]Won'tyousitdown?

LIZA[coyly]Don'tmindifIdo.[Shesitsdown.Pickeringreturnstothehearthrug].

HIGGINS.What'syourname?

THEFLOWERGIRL.LizaDoolittle.

HIGGINS [declaiming gravely] Eliza, Elizabeth,Betsy andBess, Theywent to thewoods to get abird'snes':

PICKERING.Theyfoundanestwithfoureggsinit:

HIGGINS.Theytookoneapiece,andleftthreeinit.

Theylaughheartilyattheirownwit.

LIZA.Oh,don'tbesilly.

MRS.PEARCE.Youmustn'tspeaktothegentlemanlikethat.

LIZA.Well,whywon'thespeaksensibletome?

HIGGINS.Comebacktobusiness.Howmuchdoyouproposetopaymeforthelessons?

LIZA.Oh,Iknowwhat'sright.AladyfriendofminegetsFrenchlessonsforeighteenpenceanhourfromarealFrenchgentleman.Well,youwouldn'thavethefacetoaskmethesameforteachingmemyownlanguageasyouwouldforFrench;soIwon'tgivemorethanashilling.Takeitorleaveit.

HIGGINS[walkingupanddowntheroom,rattlinghiskeysandhiscashinhispockets]Youknow,Pickering, ifyouconsiderashilling,notasasimpleshilling,butasapercentageof thisgirl'sincome,itworksoutasfullyequivalenttosixtyorseventyguineasfromamillionaire.

PICKERING.Howso?

HIGGINS.Figureitout.Amillionairehasabout150poundsaday.Sheearnsabouthalf-a-crown.

LIZA[haughtily]WhotoldyouIonly—

HIGGINS [continuing] She offersme two-fifths of her day's income for a lesson.Two-fifths of amillionaire'sincomeforadaywouldbesomewhereabout60pounds.It'shandsome.ByGeorge,it'senormous!it'sthebiggestofferIeverhad.

LIZA[rising,terrified]Sixtypounds!Whatareyoutalkingabout?Ineverofferedyousixtypounds.WherewouldIget—

HIGGINS.Holdyourtongue.

LIZA[weeping]ButIain'tgotsixtypounds.Oh—

MRS.PEARCE.Don'tcry,yousillygirl.Sitdown.Nobodyisgoingtotouchyourmoney.

HIGGINS.Somebodyisgoingtotouchyou,withabroomstick,ifyoudon'tstopsnivelling.Sitdown.

LIZA[obeyingslowly]Ah—ah—ah—ow—oo—o!Onewouldthinkyouwasmyfather.

HIGGINS.IfIdecidetoteachyou,I'llbeworsethantwofatherstoyou.Here[heoffersherhissilkhandkerchief]!

LIZA.What'sthisfor?

HIGGINS.Towipeyoureyes.Towipeanypartofyourfacethatfeelsmoist.Remember:that'syourhandkerchief;andthat'syoursleeve.Don'tmistaketheonefortheotherifyouwishtobecomealadyinashop.

Liza,utterlybewildered,stareshelplesslyathim.

MRS.PEARCE.It'snousetalkingtoherlikethat,Mr.Higgins:shedoesn'tunderstandyou.Besides,you'requitewrong:shedoesn'tdoitthatwayatall[shetakesthehandkerchief].

LIZA[snatchingit]Here!Yougivemethathandkerchief.Hegiveittome,nottoyou.

PICKERING[laughing]Hedid.Ithinkitmustberegardedasherproperty,Mrs.Pearce.

MRS.PEARCE[resigningherself]Serveyouright,Mr.Higgins.

PICKERING.Higgins: I'm interested.Whatabout theambassador'sgardenparty? I'll sayyou're thegreatest teacheraliveifyoumakethatgood.I'llbetyouall theexpensesoftheexperimentyoucan'tdoit.AndI'llpayforthelessons.

LIZA.Oh,youarerealgood.Thankyou,Captain.

HIGGINS[tempted,lookingather]It'salmostirresistible.She'ssodeliciouslylow—sohorriblydirty—

LIZA[protestingextremely]Ah—ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—oooo!!!Iain'tdirty:IwashedmyfaceandhandsaforeIcome,Idid.

PICKERING.You'recertainlynotgoingtoturnherheadwithflattery,Higgins.

MRS.PEARCE[uneasy]Oh,don'tsaythat,sir:there'smorewaysthanoneofturningagirl'shead;andnobodycandoitbetterthanMr.Higgins,thoughhemaynotalwaysmeanit.Idohope,sir,youwon'tencouragehimtodoanythingfoolish.

HIGGINS[becomingexcitedastheideagrowsonhim]Whatislifebutaseriesofinspiredfollies?Thedifficultyistofindthemtodo.Neverloseachance:itdoesn'tcomeeveryday.Ishallmakeaduchessofthisdraggletailedguttersnipe.

LIZA[stronglydeprecatingthisviewofher]Ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—oo!

HIGGINS[carriedaway]Yes:insixmonths—inthreeifshehasagoodearandaquicktongue—I'lltakeher anywhere andpassheroff as anything.We'll start today:now! thismoment!Takeherawayandcleanher,Mrs.Pearce.MonkeyBrand, if itwon't comeoffanyotherway. Is thereagoodfireinthekitchen?

MRS.PEARCE[protesting].Yes;but—

HIGGINS[stormingon]Takeallherclothesoffandburnthem.RingupWhiteleyorsomebodyfornewones.Wrapherupinbrownpapertilltheycome.

LIZA.You'renogentleman,you'renot,totalkofsuchthings.I'magoodgirl,Iam;andIknowwhatthelikeofyouare,Ido.

HIGGINS.WewantnoneofyourLissonGrovepruderyhere,youngwoman.You'vegottolearntobehavelikeaduchess.Takeheraway,Mrs.Pearce.Ifshegivesyouanytroublewallopher.

LIZA[springingupandrunningbetweenPickeringandMrs.Pearceforprotection]No!I'llcall thepolice,Iwill.

MRS.PEARCE.ButI'venoplacetoputher.

HIGGINS.Putherinthedustbin.

LIZA.Ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—oo!

PICKERING.Ohcome,Higgins!bereasonable.

MRS.PEARCE [resolutely]Youmust be reasonable,Mr.Higgins: really youmust.You can'twalkovereverybodylikethis.

Higgins, thus scolded, subsides. The hurricane is succeeded by a zephyr of amiablesurprise.

HIGGINS [with professional exquisiteness of modulation] I walk over everybody! My dear Mrs.Pearce, my dear Pickering, I never had the slightest intention of walking over anyone. All Iproposeisthatweshouldbekindtothispoorgirl.Wemusthelphertoprepareandfitherselfforhernewstationinlife.IfIdidnotexpressmyselfclearlyitwasbecauseIdidnotwishtohurther

delicacy,oryours.

Liza,reassured,stealsbacktoherchair.

MRS.PEARCE[toPickering]Well,didyoueverhearanythinglikethat,sir?

PICKERING[laughingheartily]Never,Mrs.Pearce:never.

HIGGINS[patiently]What'sthematter?

MRS.PEARCE.Well,thematteris,sir,thatyoucan'ttakeagirluplikethatasifyouwerepickingupapebbleonthebeach.

HIGGINS.Whynot?

MRS.PEARCE.Whynot!Butyoudon'tknowanythingabouther.Whataboutherparents?Shemaybemarried.

LIZA.Garn!

HIGGINS. There! As the girl very properly says, Garn! Married indeed! Don't you know that awomanofthatclasslooksawornoutdrudgeoffiftyayearaftershe'smarried.

LIZA.Who'dmarryme?

HIGGINS [suddenly resorting to the most thrillingly beautiful low tones in his best elocutionarystyle]ByGeorge,Eliza,thestreetswillbestrewnwiththebodiesofmenshootingthemselvesforyoursakebeforeI'vedonewithyou.

MRS.PEARCE.Nonsense,sir.Youmustn'ttalklikethattoher.

LIZA [risingand squaringherselfdeterminedly] I'mgoingaway.He'soffhis chump,he is. Idon'twantnobalmiesteachingme.

HIGGINS[woundedinhistenderestpointbyherinsensibilitytohiselocution]Oh,indeed!I'mmad,amI?Verywell,Mrs.Pearce:youneedn'torderthenewclothesforher.Throwherout.

LIZA[whimpering]Nah—ow.Yougotnorighttotouchme.

MRS.PEARCE.Youseenowwhatcomesofbeingsaucy.[Indicatingthedoor]Thisway,please.

LIZA [almost in tears] I didn't want no clothes. I wouldn't have taken them [she throws away thehandkerchief].Icanbuymyownclothes.

HIGGINS[deftlyretrievingthehandkerchiefandinterceptingheronherreluctantwaytothedoor]You'reanungratefulwickedgirl.Thisismyreturnforofferingtotakeyououtofthegutteranddressyoubeautifullyandmakealadyofyou.

MRS.PEARCE.Stop,Mr.Higgins.Iwon'tallowit.It'syouthatarewicked.Gohometoyourparents,

girl;andtellthemtotakebettercareofyou.

LIZA.Iain'tgotnoparents.TheytoldmeIwasbigenoughtoearnmyownlivingandturnedmeout.

MRS.PEARCE.Where'syourmother?

LIZA.Iain'tgotnomother.Herthatturnedmeoutwasmysixthstepmother.ButIdonewithoutthem.AndI'magoodgirl,Iam.

HIGGINS.Verywell,then,whatonearthisallthisfussabout?Thegirldoesn'tbelongtoanybody—isnousetoanybodybutme.[HegoestoMrs.Pearceandbeginscoaxing].Youcanadopther,Mrs.Pearce:I'msureadaughterwouldbeagreatamusementtoyou.Nowdon'tmakeanymorefuss.Takeherdownstairs;and—

MRS.PEARCE.Butwhat'stobecomeofher?Isshetobepaidanything?Dobesensible,sir.

HIGGINS.Oh, payherwhatever is necessary: put it down in the housekeepingbook. [Impatiently]Whatonearthwillshewantwithmoney?She'llhaveherfoodandherclothes.She'llonlydrinkifyougivehermoney.

LIZA[turningonhim]Ohyouareabrute.It'salie:nobodyeversawthesignofliquoronme.[Shegoesbacktoherchairandplantsherselftheredefiantly].

PICKERING[ingood-humoredremonstrance]Doesitoccurtoyou,Higgins,thatthegirlhassomefeelings?

HIGGINS [looking critically at her]Oh no, I don't think so.Not any feelings thatwe need botherabout.[Cheerily]Haveyou,Eliza?

LIZA.Igotmyfeelingssameasanyoneelse.

HIGGINS[toPickering,reflectively]Youseethedifficulty?

PICKERING.Eh?Whatdifficulty?

HIGGINS.Togethertotalkgrammar.Themerepronunciationiseasyenough.

LIZA.Idon'twanttotalkgrammar.Iwanttotalklikealady.

MRS.PEARCE.Willyoupleasekeeptothepoint,Mr.Higgins.Iwanttoknowonwhattermsthegirlistobehere.Isshetohaveanywages?Andwhatistobecomeofherwhenyou'vefinishedyourteaching?Youmustlookaheadalittle.

HIGGINS[impatiently]What'stobecomeofherifIleaveherinthegutter?Tellmethat,Mrs.Pearce.

MRS.PEARCE.That'sherownbusiness,notyours,Mr.Higgins.

HIGGINS.Well,whenI'vedonewithher,wecanthrowherbackintothegutter;andthenitwillbeherownbusinessagain;sothat'sallright.

LIZA.Oh,you'venofeelingheartinyou:youdon'tcarefornothingbutyourself[sherisesandtakesthefloorresolutely].Here!I'vehadenoughofthis.I'mgoing[makingforthedoor].Yououghttobeashamedofyourself,youought.

HIGGINS[snatchingachocolatecreamfromthepiano,hiseyessuddenlybeginningtotwinklewithmischief]Havesomechocolates,Eliza.

LIZA[halting,tempted]HowdoIknowwhatmightbeinthem?I'veheardofgirlsbeingdruggedbythelikeofyou.

Higginswhipsouthispenknife;cutsachocolate in two;putsonehalf intohismouthandboltsit;andoffershertheotherhalf.

HIGGINS.Pledgeofgoodfaith,Eliza.Ieatonehalfyoueattheother.

[Lizaopenshermouth to retort:hepops thehalf chocolate into it].Youshallhaveboxesof them,barrelsofthem,everyday.Youshallliveonthem.Eh?

LIZA[whohasdisposedofthechocolateafterbeingnearlychokedbyit]Iwouldn'thaveateit,onlyI'mtooladyliketotakeitoutofmymouth.

HIGGINS.Listen,Eliza.Ithinkyousaidyoucameinataxi.

LIZA.Well,whatifIdid?I'veasgoodarighttotakeataxiasanyoneelse.

HIGGINS.Youhave,Eliza;andinfutureyoushallhaveasmanytaxisasyouwant.Youshallgoupanddownandroundthetowninataxieveryday.Thinkofthat,Eliza.

MRS.PEARCE.Mr.Higgins:you'retemptingthegirl.It'snotright.Sheshouldthinkofthefuture.

HIGGINS.Atherage!Nonsense!Timeenoughtothinkofthefuturewhenyouhaven'tanyfuturetothinkof.No,Eliza:doasthisladydoes:thinkofotherpeople'sfutures;butneverthinkofyourown.Thinkofchocolates,andtaxis,andgold,anddiamonds.

LIZA.No:Idon'twantnogoldandnodiamonds.I'magoodgirl,Iam.[Shesitsdownagain,withanattemptatdignity].

HIGGINS.Youshallremainso,Eliza,underthecareofMrs.Pearce.Andyoushallmarryanofficerin the Guards, with a beautiful moustache: the son of a marquis, who will disinherit him formarryingyou,butwillrelentwhenheseesyourbeautyandgoodness—

PICKERING.Excuseme,Higgins;butIreallymustinterfere.Mrs.Pearceisquiteright.Ifthisgirlistoputherself inyourhandsforsixmonthsforanexperiment in teaching,shemustunderstandthoroughlywhatshe'sdoing.

HIGGINS.Howcanshe?She'sincapableofunderstandinganything.Besides,doanyofusunderstandwhatwearedoing?Ifwedid,wouldweeverdoit?

PICKERING.Veryclever,Higgins;butnotsoundsense.[ToEliza]MissDoolittle—

LIZA[overwhelmed]Ah—ah—ow—oo!

HIGGINS.There!That'sallyougetoutofEliza.Ah—ah—ow—oo!Nouseexplaining.Asamilitarymanyououghttoknowthat.Giveherherorders:that'swhatshewants.Eliza:youaretolivehereforthenextsixmonths,learninghowtospeakbeautifully,likealadyinaflorist'sshop.Ifyou'regoodanddowhateveryou'retold,youshallsleepinaproperbedroom,andhavelotstoeat,andmoneytobuychocolatesandtakeridesintaxis.Ifyou'renaughtyandidleyouwillsleepinthebackkitchenamongtheblackbeetles,andbewallopedbyMrs.Pearcewithabroomstick.Attheendof sixmonthsyoushallgo toBuckinghamPalace inacarriage,beautifullydressed. If theKingfindsoutyou'renotalady,youwillbetakenbythepolicetotheTowerofLondon,whereyourheadwillbecutoffasawarningtootherpresumptuousflowergirls.Ifyouarenotfoundout,youshallhaveapresentofseven-and-sixpencetostart lifewithasa ladyinashop.Ifyourefusethisofferyouwillbeamostungratefulandwickedgirl;andtheangelswillweepforyou.[ToPickering]Nowareyousatisfied,Pickering?[ToMrs.Pearce]CanIputitmoreplainlyandfairly,Mrs.Pearce?

MRS.PEARCE[patiently]Ithinkyou'dbetterletmespeaktothegirlproperlyinprivate.Idon'tknowthat I can take chargeof her or consent to the arrangement at all.Of course I knowyoudon'tmeanheranyharm;butwhenyougetwhatyoucallinterestedinpeople'saccents,youneverthinkorcarewhatmayhappentothemoryou.Comewithme,Eliza.

HIGGINS.That'sallright.Thankyou,Mrs.Pearce.Bundleherofftothebath-room.

LIZA[rising reluctantlyandsuspiciously]You'reagreatbully,youare. Iwon't stayhere if Idon'tlike.Iwon'tletnobodywallopme.IneveraskedtogotoBucknamPalace,Ididn't.Iwasneverintroublewiththepolice,notme.I'magoodgirl—

MRS.PEARCE.Don't answer back, girl.You don't understand the gentleman.Comewithme. [Sheleadsthewaytothedoor,andholdsitopenforEliza].

LIZA[asshegoesout]Well,whatIsayisright.Iwon'tgoneartheking,notifI'mgoingtohavemyheadcutoff. If I'dknownwhat Iwas lettingmyself in for, Iwouldn'thavecomehere. Ialwaysbeenagoodgirl;andIneverofferedtosayawordtohim;andIdon'towehimnothing;andIdon'tcare;andIwon'tbeputupon;andIhavemyfeelingsthesameasanyoneelse—

Mrs.Pearceshutsthedoor;andEliza'splaintsarenolongeraudible.Pickeringcomesfromthehearthtothechairandsitsastrideitwithhisarmsontheback.

PICKERING.Excusethestraightquestion,Higgins.Areyouamanofgoodcharacterwherewomenareconcerned?

HIGGINS[moodily]Haveyouevermetamanofgoodcharacterwherewomenareconcerned?

PICKERING.Yes:veryfrequently.

HIGGINS[dogmatically,liftinghimselfonhishandstothelevelofthepiano,andsittingonitwithabounce]Well,Ihaven't.IfindthatthemomentIletawomanmakefriendswithme,shebecomesjealous, exacting, suspicious, andadamnednuisance. I find that themoment I letmyselfmake

friendswithawoman, Ibecomeselfishand tyrannical.Womenupseteverything.Whenyou letthemintoyourlife,youfindthatthewomanisdrivingatonethingandyou'redrivingatanother.

PICKERING.Atwhat,forexample?

HIGGINS[comingoffthepianorestlessly]Oh,Lordknows!Isupposethewomanwantstoliveherownlife;andthemanwantstolivehis;andeachtriestodragtheotherontothewrongtrack.Onewantstogonorthandtheothersouth;andtheresultisthatbothhavetogoeast,thoughtheybothhate theeastwind. [Hesitsdownon thebenchat thekeyboard].Sohere Iam,aconfirmedoldbachelor,andlikelytoremainso.

PICKERING[risingandstandingoverhimgravely]Come,Higgins!YouknowwhatImean.IfI'mtobeinthisbusinessIshallfeelresponsibleforthatgirl.Ihopeit'sunderstoodthatnoadvantageistobetakenofherposition.

HIGGINS.What!Thatthing!Sacred,Iassureyou.[Risingtoexplain]Yousee,she'llbeapupil;andteaching would be impossible unless pupils were sacred. I've taught scores of AmericanmillionairesseshowtospeakEnglish:thebestlookingwomenintheworld.I'mseasoned.Theymightaswellbeblocksofwood.Imightaswellbeablockofwood.It's—

Mrs.Pearceopens thedoor.ShehasEliza'shat inherhand.Pickeringretires to theeasy-chairatthehearthandsitsdown.

HIGGINS[eagerly]Well,Mrs.Pearce:isitallright?

MRS.PEARCE[atthedoor]Ijustwishtotroubleyouwithaword,ifImay,Mr.Higgins.

HIGGINS.Yes,certainly.Comein.[Shecomesforward].Don'tburnthat,Mrs.Pearce.I'llkeepitasacuriosity.[Hetakesthehat].

MRS.PEARCE.Handleitcarefully,sir,please.Ihadtopromisehernottoburnit;butIhadbetterputitintheovenforawhile.

HIGGINS[puttingitdownhastilyonthepiano]Oh!thankyou.Well,whathaveyoutosaytome?

PICKERING.AmIintheway?

MRS.PEARCE.Notatall,sir.Mr.Higgins:willyoupleasebeveryparticularwhatyousaybeforethegirl?

HIGGINS[sternly]Ofcourse.I'malwaysparticularaboutwhatIsay.Whydoyousaythistome?

MRS.PEARCE[unmoved]No,sir:you'renotatallparticularwhenyou'vemislaidanythingorwhenyougetalittleimpatient.Nowitdoesn'tmatterbeforeme:I'musedtoit.Butyoureallymustnotswearbeforethegirl.

HIGGINS[indignantly]Iswear![Mostemphatically]Ineverswear.Idetestthehabit.Whatthedevildoyoumean?

MRS.PEARCE[stolidly]That'swhatImean,sir.Youswearagreatdealtoomuch.Idon'tmindyourdamningandblasting,andwhatthedevilandwherethedevilandwhothedevil—

HIGGINS.Really!Mrs.Pearce:thislanguagefromyourlips!

MRS.PEARCE[nottobeputoff]—butthereisacertainwordImustaskyounottouse.Thegirlhasjustuseditherselfbecausethebathwastoohot.Itbeginswiththesameletterasbath.Sheknowsnobetter:shelearntitathermother'sknee.Butshemustnothearitfromyourlips.

HIGGINS[loftily]Icannotchargemyselfwithhavingeverutteredit,Mrs.Pearce.[Shelooksathimsteadfastly.Headds,hidinganuneasyconsciencewithajudicialair]Exceptperhapsinamomentofextremeandjustifiableexcitement.

MRS.PEARCE.Onlythismorning,sir,youappliedittoyourboots,tothebutter,andtothebrownbread.

HIGGINS.Oh,that!Merealliteration,Mrs.Pearce,naturaltoapoet.

MRS.PEARCE.Well,sir,whateveryouchoosetocallit,Ibegyounottoletthegirlhearyourepeatit.

HIGGINS.Oh,verywell,verywell.Isthatall?

MRS.PEARCE.No,sir.Weshallhavetobeveryparticularwiththisgirlastopersonalcleanliness.

HIGGINS.Certainly.Quiteright.Mostimportant.

MRS.PEARCE.Imeannottobeslovenlyaboutherdressoruntidyinleavingthingsabout.

HIGGINS[going tohersolemnly]Justso. I intended tocallyourattention to that [Hepasseson toPickering, who is enjoying the conversation immensely]. It is these little things that matter,Pickering. Take care of the pence and the pounds will take care of themselves is as true ofpersonalhabitsasofmoney.[Hecomestoanchoronthehearthrug,withtheairofamaninanunassailableposition].

MRS.PEARCE.Yes,sir.ThenmightIaskyounottocomedowntobreakfastinyourdressing-gown,oratanyratenottouseitasanapkintotheextentyoudo,sir.Andifyouwouldbesogoodasnotto eat everythingoff the sameplate, and to remember not to put the porridge saucepanout ofyourhandonthecleantablecloth,itwouldbeabetterexampletothegirl.Youknowyounearlychokedyourselfwithafishboneinthejamonlylastweek.

HIGGINS[routedfromthehearthruganddriftingbacktothepiano]Imaydothesethingssometimesin absence ofmind; but surely I don't do themhabitually. [Angrily]By theway:my dressing-gownsmellsmostdamnablyofbenzine.

MRS.PEARCE.Nodoubtitdoes,Mr.Higgins.Butifyouwillwipeyourfingers—

HIGGINS[yelling]Ohverywell,verywell:I'llwipetheminmyhairinfuture.

MRS.PEARCE.Ihopeyou'renotoffended,Mr.Higgins.

HIGGINS[shockedatfindinghimselfthoughtcapableofanunamiablesentiment]Notatall,notatall.You'requiteright,Mrs.Pearce:Ishallbeparticularlycarefulbeforethegirl.Isthatall?

MRS.PEARCE.No,sir.MightsheusesomeofthoseJapanesedressesyoubroughtfromabroad?Ireallycan'tputherbackintoheroldthings.

HIGGINS.Certainly.Anythingyoulike.Isthatall?

MRS.PEARCE.Thankyou,sir.That'sall.[Shegoesout].

HIGGINS.Youknow,Pickering,thatwomanhasthemostextraordinaryideasaboutme.HereIam,ashy,diffidentsortofman.I'veneverbeenabletofeelreallygrown-upandtremendous,likeotherchaps.Andyetshe'sfirmlypersuadedthatI'manarbitraryoverbearingbossingkindofperson.Ican'taccountforit.

Mrs.Pearcereturns.

MRS. PEARCE. If you please, sir, the trouble's beginning already. There's a dustman downstairs,AlfredDoolittle,wantstoseeyou.Hesaysyouhavehisdaughterhere.

PICKERING[rising]Phew!Isay![Heretreatstothehearthrug].

HIGGINS[promptly]Sendtheblackguardup.

MRS.PEARCE.Oh,verywell,sir.[Shegoesout].

PICKERING.Hemaynotbeablackguard,Higgins.

HIGGINS.Nonsense.Ofcoursehe'sablackguard.

PICKERING.Whetherheisornot,I'mafraidweshallhavesometroublewithhim.

HIGGINS[confidently]Ohno:Ithinknot.Ifthere'sanytroubleheshallhaveitwithme,notIwithhim.Andwearesuretogetsomethinginterestingoutofhim.

PICKERING.Aboutthegirl?

HIGGINS.No.Imeanhisdialect.

PICKERING.Oh!

MRS.PEARCE[atthedoor]Doolittle,sir.[SheadmitsDoolittleandretires].

AlfredDoolittleisanelderlybutvigorousdustman,cladinthecostumeofhisprofession,includingahatwithabackbrimcoveringhisneckandshoulders.Hehaswellmarkedandrather interesting features, and seems equally free from fear and conscience. He has aremarkably expressive voice, the result of a habit of giving vent to his feelingswithoutreserve.Hispresentposeisthatofwoundedhonorandsternresolution.

DOOLITTLE[atthedoor,uncertainwhichofthetwogentlemenishisman]ProfessorHiggins?

HIGGINS.Here.Goodmorning.Sitdown.

DOOLITTLE.Morning,Governor.[Hesitsdownmagisterially]Icomeaboutaveryseriousmatter,Governor.

HIGGINS[toPickering]BroughtupinHounslow.MotherWelsh,Ishouldthink.[Doolittleopenshismouth,amazed.Higginscontinues]Whatdoyouwant,Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE[menacingly]Iwantmydaughter:that'swhatIwant.See?

HIGGINS.Ofcourseyoudo.You'reherfather,aren'tyou?Youdon'tsupposeanyoneelsewantsher,doyou?I'mgladtoseeyouhavesomesparkoffamilyfeelingleft.She'supstairs.Takeherawayatonce.

DOOLITTLE[rising,fearfullytakenaback]What!

HIGGINS.Takeheraway.DoyousupposeI'mgoingtokeepyourdaughterforyou?

DOOLITTLE [remonstrating]Now,now, lookhere,Governor. Is this reasonable? Is it fair to takeadvantageofamanlikethis?Thegirlbelongstome.Yougother.WheredoIcomein?[Hesitsdownagain].

HIGGINS.Yourdaughterhadtheaudacitytocometomyhouseandaskmetoteachherhowtospeakproperlysothatshecouldgetaplaceinaflower-shop.Thisgentlemanandmyhousekeeperhavebeenhereallthetime.[Bullyinghim]Howdareyoucomehereandattempttoblackmailme?Yousentherhereonpurpose.

DOOLITTLE[protesting]No,Governor.

HIGGINS.Youmusthave.Howelsecouldyoupossiblyknowthatsheishere?

DOOLITTLE.Don'ttakeamanuplikethat,Governor.

HIGGINS.Thepolice shall take youup.This is a plant—aplot to extortmoneyby threats. I shalltelephoneforthepolice[hegoesresolutelytothetelephoneandopensthedirectory].

DOOLITTLE.HaveIaskedyouforabrassfarthing?I leaveit tothegentlemanhere:haveIsaidawordaboutmoney?

HIGGINS[throwingthebookasideandmarchingdownonDoolittlewithaposer]Whatelsedidyoucomefor?

DOOLITTLE[sweetly]Well,whatwouldamancomefor?Behuman,governor.

HIGGINS[disarmed]Alfred:didyouputheruptoit?

DOOLITTLE.Sohelpme,Governor,Ineverdid.ItakemyBibleoathIain'tseenthegirlthesetwo

monthspast.

HIGGINS.Thenhowdidyouknowshewashere?

DOOLITTLE["mostmusical,mostmelancholy"]I'll tellyou,Governor, ifyou'llonly letmegetawordin.I'mwillingtotellyou.I'mwantingtotellyou.I'mwaitingtotellyou.

HIGGINS.Pickering:thischaphasacertainnaturalgiftofrhetoric.Observetherhythmofhisnativewoodnotes wild. "I'm willing to tell you: I'm wanting to tell you: I'm waiting to tell you."Sentimental rhetoric! That's the Welsh strain in him. It also accounts for his mendacity anddishonesty.

PICKERING.Oh,PLEASE,Higgins:I'mwestcountrymyself.[ToDoolittle]Howdidyouknowthegirlwashereifyoudidn'tsendher?

DOOLITTLE.Itwaslikethis,Governor.Thegirltookaboyinthetaxitogivehimajaunt.Sonofherlandlady,heis.Hehungaboutonthechanceofhergivinghimanotherridehome.Well,shesenthimbackforherluggagewhensheheardyouwaswillingforhertostophere.ImettheboyatthecornerofLongAcreandEndellStreet.

HIGGINS.Publichouse.Yes?

DOOLITTLE.Thepoorman'sclub,Governor:whyshouldn'tI?

PICKERING.Dolethimtellhisstory,Higgins.

DOOLITTLE.Hetoldmewhatwasup.AndIaskyou,whatwasmyfeelingsandmydutyasafather?Isaystotheboy,"Youbringmetheluggage,"Isays—

PICKERING.Whydidn'tyougoforityourself?

DOOLITTLE.Landladywouldn'thave trustedmewith it,Governor.She's thatkindofwoman:youknow.Ihadtogivetheboyapennyaforehetrustedmewithit,thelittleswine.Ibroughtittoherjusttoobligeyoulike,andmakemyselfagreeable.That'sall.

HIGGINS.Howmuchluggage?

DOOLITTLE.Musicalinstrument,Governor.Afewpictures,atrifleofjewelry,andabird-cage.Shesaidshedidn'twantnoclothes.WhatwasI to thinkfromthat,Governor?IaskyouasaparentwhatwasItothink?

HIGGINS.Soyoucametorescueherfromworsethandeath,eh?

DOOLITTLE[appreciatively:relievedatbeingunderstood]Justso,Governor.That'sright.

PICKERING.Butwhydidyoubringherluggageifyouintendedtotakeheraway?

DOOLITTLE.HaveIsaidawordabouttakingheraway?HaveInow?

HIGGINS[determinedly]You'regoingtotakeheraway,doublequick.[Hecrossestothehearthandringsthebell].

DOOLITTLE[rising]No,Governor.Don'tsaythat.I'mnotthemantostandinmygirl'slight.Here'sacareeropeningforher,asyoumightsay;and—

Mrs.Pearceopensthedoorandawaitsorders.

HIGGINS.Mrs.Pearce:thisisEliza'sfather.Hehascometotakeheraway.Givehertohim.[Hegoesbacktothepiano,withanairofwashinghishandsofthewholeaffair].

DOOLITTLE.No.Thisisamisunderstanding.Listenhere—

MRS.PEARCE.Hecan'ttakeheraway,Mr.Higgins:howcanhe?Youtoldmetoburnherclothes.

DOOLITTLE.That'sright.Ican'tcarrythegirlthroughthestreetslikeabloomingmonkey,canI?Iputittoyou.

HIGGINS. You have put it tome that youwant your daughter. Take your daughter. If she has noclothesgooutandbuyhersome.

DOOLITTLE[desperate]Where'stheclothesshecomein?DidIburnthemordidyourmissushere?

MRS.PEARCE.Iamthehousekeeper,ifyouplease.Ihavesentforsomeclothesforyourgirl.Whentheycomeyoucantakeheraway.Youcanwaitinthekitchen.Thisway,please.

Doolittle, much troubled, accompanies her to the door; then hesitates; finally turnsconfidentiallytoHiggins.

DOOLITTLE.Listenhere,Governor.Youandmeismenoftheworld,ain'twe?

HIGGINS.Oh!Menoftheworld,arewe?You'dbettergo,Mrs.Pearce.

MRS.PEARCE.Ithinkso,indeed,sir.[Shegoes,withdignity].

PICKERING.Thefloorisyours,Mr.Doolittle.

DOOLITTLE [to Pickering] I thank you, Governor. [To Higgins, who takes refuge on the pianobench, a little overwhelmed by the proximity of his visitor; for Doolittle has a professionalflavorofdustabouthim].Well, the truth is, I've takenasortoffancytoyou,Governor;andifyouwantthegirl,I'mnotsosetonhavingherbackhomeagainbutwhatImightbeopentoanarrangement.Regardedinthelightofayoungwoman,she'safinehandsomegirl.Asadaughtershe'snotworthherkeep;andsoItellyoustraight.AllIaskismyrightsasafather;andyou'rethelastmanalivetoexpectmetolethergofornothing;forIcanseeyou'reoneofthestraightsort,Governor.Well,what'safivepoundnotetoyou?Andwhat'sElizatome?[Hereturnstohischairandsitsdownjudicially].

PICKERING. I think you ought to know, Doolittle, that Mr. Higgins's intentions are entirelyhonorable.

DOOLITTLE.Coursetheyare,Governor.IfIthoughttheywasn't,I'daskfifty.

HIGGINS[revolted]Doyoumeantosay,youcallousrascal,thatyouwouldsellyourdaughterfor50pounds?

DOOLITTLE.NotinageneralwayIwouldn't;buttoobligeagentlemanlikeyouI'ddoagooddeal,Idoassureyou.

PICKERING.Haveyounomorals,man?

DOOLITTLE[unabashed]Can'taffordthem,Governor.Neithercouldyouifyouwasaspoorasme.Not thatImeananyharm,youknow.But ifLizaisgoingtohaveabitoutof this,whynotmetoo?

HIGGINS[troubled]Idon'tknowwhattodo,Pickering.Therecanbenoquestionthatasamatterofmoralsit'sapositivecrimetogivethischapafarthing.AndyetIfeelasortofroughjusticeinhisclaim.

DOOLITTLE.That'sit,Governor.That'sallIsay.Afather'sheart,asitwere.

PICKERING.Well,Iknowthefeeling;butreallyitseemshardlyright—

DOOLITTLE.Don'tsaythat,Governor.Don'tlookatitthatway.WhatamI,Governorsboth?Iaskyou,whatamI?I'moneoftheundeservingpoor:that'swhatIam.Thinkofwhatthatmeanstoaman.Itmeansthathe'supagenmiddleclassmoralityallthetime.Ifthere'sanythinggoing,andIputinforabitofit,it'salwaysthesamestory:"You'reundeserving;soyoucan'thaveit."Butmyneedsisasgreatasthemostdeservingwidow'sthatevergotmoneyoutofsixdifferentcharitiesin oneweek for the death of the samehusband. I don't need less than a deservingman: I needmore.Idon'teatlessheartythanhim;andIdrinkalotmore.Iwantabitofamusement,causeI'mathinkingman.IwantcheerfulnessandasongandabandwhenIfeellow.Well,theychargemejustthesameforeverythingastheychargethedeserving.Whatismiddleclassmorality?Justanexcuse for never givingme anything.Therefore, I askyou, as twogentlemen, not to play thatgameonme. I'mplayingstraightwithyou. Iain'tpretending tobedeserving. I'mundeserving;andImeantogoonbeingundeserving.Ilikeit;andthat'sthetruth.Willyoutakeadvantageofaman'snature todohimoutof thepriceofhisowndaughterwhathe'sbroughtupand fedandclothed by the sweat of his brow until she's growed big enough to be interesting to you twogentlemen?Isfivepoundsunreasonable?Iputittoyou;andIleaveittoyou.

HIGGINS[rising,andgoingover toPickering]Pickering: ifwewere to take thisman inhandforthreemonths,hecouldchoosebetweenaseatintheCabinetandapopularpulpitinWales.

PICKERING.Whatdoyousaytothat,Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE.Notme,Governor, thank you kindly. I've heard all the preachers and all the primeministers—forI'mathinkingmanandgameforpoliticsorreligionorsocialreformsameasalltheotheramusements—andItellyouit'sadog'slifeanywayyoulookatit.Undeservingpovertyismyline.Takingonestationinsocietywithanother,it's—it's—well,it'stheonlyonethathasanygingerinit,tomytaste.

HIGGINS.Isupposewemustgivehimafiver.

PICKERING.He'llmakeabaduseofit,I'mafraid.

DOOLITTLE.Notme,Governor,sohelpmeIwon't.Don'tyoubeafraidthatI'llsaveitandspareitandliveidleonit.Therewon'tbeapennyofitleftbyMonday:I'llhavetogotoworksameasifI'dneverhadit. Itwon'tpauperizeme,youbet.Justonegoodspreeformyselfandthemissus,givingpleasure toourselvesandemployment toothers,andsatisfaction toyou to think it'snotbeenthrowedaway.Youcouldn'tspenditbetter.

HIGGINS [taking out his pocket book and coming between Doolittle and the piano] This isirresistible.Let'sgivehimten.[Heofferstwonotestothedustman].

DOOLITTLE.No,Governor.Shewouldn'thavethehearttospendten;andperhapsIshouldn'tneither.Tenpoundsisalotofmoney:itmakesamanfeelprudentlike;andthengoodbyetohappiness.YougivemewhatIaskyou,Governor:notapennymore,andnotapennyless.

PICKERING.Whydon'tyoumarrythatmissusofyours?Iratherdrawthelineatencouragingthatsortofimmorality.

DOOLITTLE.Tellherso,Governor:tellherso.I'mwilling.It'smethatsuffersbyit.I'venoholdonher. Igot tobeagreeable toher. Igot togiveherpresents. Igot tobuyherclothes somethingsinful. I'm a slave to thatwoman,Governor, just because I'mnot her lawful husband.And sheknowsittoo.Catchhermarryingme!Takemyadvice,Governor:marryElizawhileshe'syounganddon'tknownobetter.Ifyoudon'tyou'llbesorryforitafter.Ifyoudo,she'llbesorryforitafter;butbetteryouthanher,becauseyou'reaman,andshe'sonlyawomananddon'tknowhowtobehappyanyhow.

HIGGINS.Pickering:ifwelistentothismananotherminute,weshallhavenoconvictionsleft.[ToDoolittle]FivepoundsIthinkyousaid.

DOOLITTLE.Thankyoukindly,Governor.

HIGGINS.You'resureyouwon'ttaketen?

DOOLITTLE.Notnow.Anothertime,Governor.

HIGGINS[handinghimafive-poundnote]Hereyouare.

DOOLITTLE.Thankyou,Governor.Goodmorning.

[Hehurriestothedoor,anxioustogetawaywithhisbooty.Whenheopensitheisconfrontedwithadainty and exquisitely clean young Japanese lady in a simple blue cotton kimono printedcunninglywith smallwhite jasmineblossoms.Mrs.Pearce iswithher.Hegets out of herwaydeferentiallyandapologizes].Begpardon,miss.

THEJAPANESELADY.Garn!Don'tyouknowyourowndaughter?

DOOLITTLE{exclaimingBlyme!it'sEliza!

HIGGINS{simul-What'sthat!This!PICKERING{taneouslyByJove!

LIZA.Don'tIlooksilly?

HIGGINS.Silly?

MRS.PEARCE[atthedoor]Now,Mr.Higgins,pleasedon'tsayanythingtomakethegirlconceitedaboutherself.

HIGGINS[conscientiously]Oh!Quiteright,Mrs.Pearce.[ToEliza]Yes:damnedsilly.

MRS.PEARCE.Please,sir.

HIGGINS[correctinghimself]Imeanextremelysilly.

LIZA.Ishouldlookallrightwithmyhaton.[Shetakesupherhat;putsiton;andwalksacrosstheroomtothefireplacewithafashionableair].

HIGGINS.Anewfashion,byGeorge!Anditoughttolookhorrible!

DOOLITTLE [with fatherly pride]Well, I never thought she'd clean up as good looking as that,Governor.She'sacredittome,ain'tshe?

LIZA.Itellyou,it'seasytocleanuphere.Hotandcoldwaterontap,justasmuchasyoulike,thereis.Woolly towels, there is; and a towelhorse sohot, it burnsyour fingers.Soft brushes to scrubyourself,andawoodenbowlofsoapsmellinglikeprimroses.NowIknowwhyladiesissoclean.Washing'satreatforthem.Wishtheysawwhatitisforthelikeofme!

HIGGINS.I'mgladthebath-roommetwithyourapproval.

LIZA.Itdidn't:notallofit;andIdon'tcarewhohearsmesayit.Mrs.Pearceknows.

HIGGINS.Whatwaswrong,Mrs.Pearce?

MRS.PEARCE[blandly]Oh,nothing,sir.Itdoesn'tmatter.

LIZA.Ihadagoodmindtobreakit.Ididn'tknowwhichwaytolook.ButIhungatoweloverit,Idid.

HIGGINS.Overwhat?

MRS.PEARCE.Overthelooking-glass,sir.

HIGGINS.Doolittle:youhavebroughtyourdaughteruptoostrictly.

DOOLITTLE.Me!Ineverbroughtherupatall,excepttogiveheralickofastrapnowandagain.Don'tputitonme,Governor.Sheain'taccustomedtoit,yousee:that'sall.Butshe'llsoonpickupyourfree-and-easyways.

LIZA.I'magoodgirl,Iam;andIwon'tpickupnofreeandeasyways.

HIGGINS.Eliza:ifyousayagainthatyou'reagoodgirl,yourfathershalltakeyouhome.

LIZA.Nothim.Youdon'tknowmyfather.Allhecomehereforwastotouchyouforsomemoneytogetdrunkon.

DOOLITTLE.Well,what elsewould Iwantmoney for?Toput into theplate inchurch, I suppose.[She puts out her tongue at him. He is so incensed by this that Pickering presently finds itnecessarytostepbetweenthem].Don'tyougivemenoneofyourlip;anddon'tletmehearyougivingthisgentlemananyofitneither,oryou'llhearfrommeaboutit.See?

HIGGINS. Have you any further advice to give her before you go, Doolittle? Your blessing, forinstance.

DOOLITTLE.No,Governor:Iain'tsuchamugastoputupmychildrentoallIknowmyself.Hardenough to hold them inwithout that. If youwant Eliza'smind improved,Governor, you do ityourselfwithastrap.Solong,gentlemen.[Heturnstogo].

HIGGINS[impressively]Stop.You'llcomeregularlytoseeyourdaughter.It'syourduty,youknow.Mybrotherisaclergyman;andhecouldhelpyouinyourtalkswithher.

DOOLITTLE[evasively]Certainly.I'llcome,Governor.Notjustthisweek,becauseIhaveajobatadistance.Butlateronyoumaydependonme.Afternoon,gentlemen.Afternoon,ma'am.[HetakesoffhishattoMrs.Pearce,whodisdainsthesalutationandgoesout.HewinksatHiggins,thinkinghimprobablyafellowsuffererfromMrs.Pearce'sdifficultdisposition,andfollowsher].

LIZA.Don'tyoubelieve theold liar.He'das soonyou set abull-dogonhimasa clergyman.Youwon'tseehimagaininahurry.

HIGGINS.Idon'twantto,Eliza.Doyou?

LIZA.Notme.Idon'twantnevertoseehimagain,Idon't.He'sadisgracetome,heis,collectingdust,insteadofworkingathistrade.

PICKERING.Whatishistrade,Eliza?

LIZA.Talkingmoneyoutofotherpeople'spocketsintohisown.Hispropertrade'sanavvy;andheworksatitsometimestoo—forexercise—andearnsgoodmoneyatit.Ain'tyougoingtocallmeMissDoolittleanymore?

PICKERING.Ibegyourpardon,MissDoolittle.Itwasaslipofthetongue.

LIZA.Oh,Idon'tmind;onlyitsoundedsogenteel.Ishouldjust liketotakea taxi to thecornerofTottenhamCourtRoadandgetout thereand tell it towait forme, just toput thegirls in theirplaceabit.Iwouldn'tspeaktothem,youknow.

PICKERING.Betterwaittilwegetyousomethingreallyfashionable.

HIGGINS.Besides,youshouldn'tcutyourold friendsnowthatyouhave risen in theworld.That'swhatwecallsnobbery.

LIZA.Youdon'tcallthelikeofthemmyfriendsnow,Ishouldhope.They'vetookitoutofmeoftenenoughwiththeirridiculewhentheyhadthechance;andnowImeantogetabitofmyownback.ButifI'mtohavefashionableclothes,I'llwait.Ishouldliketohavesome.Mrs.Pearcesaysyou'regoingtogivemesometowearinbedatnightdifferenttowhatIwearinthedaytime;butitdoseem awaste ofmoneywhen you could get something to show.Besides, I never could fancychangingintocoldthingsonawinternight.

MRS.PEARCE[comingback]Now,Eliza.Thenewthingshavecomeforyoutotryon.

LIZA.Ah—ow—oo—ooh![Sherushesout].

MRS.PEARCE[followingher]Oh,don'trushaboutlikethat,girl[Sheshutsthedoorbehindher].

HIGGINS.Pickering:wehavetakenonastiffjob.

PICKERING[withconviction]Higgins:wehave.

ACTIII

ItisMrs.Higgins'sat-homeday.Nobodyhasyetarrived.Herdrawing-room,inaflatonChelseaembankment,hasthreewindowslookingontheriver;andtheceilingisnotso lofty as it would be in an older house of the same pretension. The windows areopen,givingaccesstoabalconywithflowersinpots.Ifyoustandwithyourfacetothewindows,youhavethefireplaceonyourleftandthedoorintheright-handwallclosetothecornernearestthewindows.

Mrs.HigginswasbroughtuponMorrisandBurneJones;andherroom,whichisveryunlikeherson'sroominWimpoleStreet,isnotcrowdedwithfurnitureandlittletablesand nicknacks. In themiddle of the room there is a big ottoman; and this, with thecarpet, the Morris wall-papers, and the Morris chintz window curtains and brocadecovers of the ottoman and its cushions, supply all the ornament, and are much toohandsome tobehiddenbyoddsandendsofuseless things.Afewgoodoil-paintingsfrom the exhibitions in theGrosvenorGallery thirty years ago (theBurne Jones, nottheWhistlersideof them)areonthewalls.TheonlylandscapeisaCecilLawsononthescaleofaRubens.ThereisaportraitofMrs.Higginsasshewaswhenshedefiedfashion in her youth in one of the beautiful Rossettian costumes which, whencaricatured by people who did not understand, led to the absurdities of popularestheticismintheeighteen-seventies.

InthecornerdiagonallyoppositethedoorMrs.Higgins,nowoversixtyandlongpasttaking the trouble to dress out of the fashion, sits writing at an elegantly simplewriting-tablewithabellbuttonwithinreachofherhand.ThereisaChippendalechairfurtherback in the roombetweenher and thewindownearesther side.At theothersideoftheroom,furtherforward,isanElizabethanchairroughlycarvedinthetasteofInigo Jones.On the same side a piano in a decorated case. The corner between thefireplaceandthewindowisoccupiedbyadivancushionedinMorrischintz.

Itisbetweenfourandfiveintheafternoon.

Thedoorisopenedviolently;andHigginsenterswithhishaton.

MRS.HIGGINS[dismayed]Henry![scoldinghim]Whatareyoudoinghereto-day?Itismyathomeday:youpromisednottocome.[Ashebendstokissher,shetakeshishatoff,andpresentsittohim].

HIGGINS.Ohbother![Hethrowsthehatdownonthetable].

MRS.HIGGINS.Gohomeatonce.

HIGGINS[kissingher]Iknow,mother.Icameonpurpose.

MRS.HIGGINS.Butyoumustn't. I'm serious,Henry.Youoffendallmy friends: they stop comingwhenevertheymeetyou.

HIGGINS.Nonsense!IknowIhavenosmalltalk;butpeopledon'tmind.[Hesitsonthesettee].

MRS.HIGGINS.Oh! don't they? Small talk indeed!What about your large talk?Really, dear, youmustn'tstay.

HIGGINS.Imust.I'veajobforyou.Aphoneticjob.

MRS.HIGGINS.Nouse,dear.I'msorry;butIcan'tgetroundyourvowels;andthoughIliketogetprettypostcardsinyourpatentshorthand,Ialwayshavetoreadthecopiesinordinarywritingyousothoughtfullysendme.

HIGGINS.Well,thisisn'taphoneticjob.

MRS.HIGGINS.Yousaiditwas.

HIGGINS.Notyourpartofit.I'vepickedupagirl.

MRS.HIGGINS.Doesthatmeanthatsomegirlhaspickedyouup?

HIGGINS.Notatall.Idon'tmeanaloveaffair.

MRS.HIGGINS.Whatapity!

HIGGINS.Why?

MRS.HIGGINS.Well,youneverfallinlovewithanyoneunderforty-five.Whenwillyoudiscoverthattherearesomerathernice-lookingyoungwomenabout?

HIGGINS.Oh,Ican'tbebotheredwithyoungwomen.Myideaofaloveablewomanissomethingaslikeyouaspossible.Ishallnevergetintothewayofseriouslylikingyoungwomen:somehabitslietoodeeptobechanged.[Risingabruptlyandwalkingabout,jinglinghismoneyandhiskeysinhistrouserpockets]Besides,they'reallidiots.

MRS.HIGGINS.Doyouknowwhatyouwoulddoifyoureallylovedme,Henry?

HIGGINS.Ohbother!What?Marry,Isuppose?

MRS. HIGGINS. No. Stop fidgeting and take your hands out of your pockets. [With a gesture ofdespair,heobeysandsitsdownagain].That'sagoodboy.Nowtellmeaboutthegirl.

HIGGINS.She'scomingtoseeyou.

MRS.HIGGINS.Idon'trememberaskingher.

HIGGINS.Youdidn't.Iaskedher.Ifyou'dknownheryouwouldn'thaveaskedher.

MRS.HIGGINS.Indeed!Why?

HIGGINS.Well,it'slikethis.She'sacommonflowergirl.Ipickedheroffthekerbstone.

MRS.HIGGINS.Andinvitedhertomyat-home!

HIGGINS [rising and coming to her to coax her] Oh, that'll be all right. I've taught her to speakproperly;andshehasstrictordersastoherbehavior.She'stokeeptotwosubjects:theweatherandeverybody'shealth—FinedayandHowdoyoudo,youknow—andnottoletherselfgoonthingsingeneral.Thatwillbesafe.

MRS.HIGGINS.Safe!Totalkaboutourhealth!aboutourinsides!perhapsaboutouroutsides!Howcouldyoubesosilly,Henry?

HIGGINS [impatiently] Well, she must talk about something. [He controls himself and sits downagain].Oh,she'llbeallright:don'tyoufuss.Pickeringisinitwithme.I'veasortofbetonthatI'llpassheroffasaduchessinsixmonths.Istartedonhersomemonthsago;andshe'sgettingonlikeahouseonfire.Ishallwinmybet.Shehasaquickear;andshe'sbeeneasiertoteachthanmymiddle-classpupilsbecauseshe'shadtolearnacompletenewlanguage.ShetalksEnglishalmostasyoutalkFrench.

MRS.HIGGINS.That'ssatisfactory,atallevents.

HIGGINS.Well,itisanditisn't.

MRS.HIGGINS.Whatdoesthatmean?

HIGGINS.Yousee,I'vegotherpronunciationallright;butyouhavetoconsidernotonlyhowagirlpronounces,butwhatshepronounces;andthat'swhere—

Theyareinterruptedbytheparlor-maid,announcingguests.

THEPARLOR-MAID.Mrs.andMissEynsfordHill.[Shewithdraws].

HIGGINS.OhLord![Herises;snatcheshishatfromthetable;andmakesforthedoor;butbeforehereachesithismotherintroduceshim].

Mrs. andMissEynsfordHill are themotheranddaughterwhosheltered from the rain inCoventGarden.Themother iswell bred, quiet, andhas thehabitual anxietyof straitenedmeans. The daughter has acquired a gay air of being verymuch at home in society: thebravadoofgenteelpoverty.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[toMrs.Higgins]Howdoyoudo?[Theyshakehands].

MISSEYNSFORDHILL.Howd'youdo?[Sheshakes].

MRS.HIGGINS[introducing]MysonHenry.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Yourcelebratedson!Ihavesolongedtomeetyou,ProfessorHiggins.

HIGGINS[glumly,makingnomovementinherdirection]Delighted.[Hebacksagainstthepianoandbowsbrusquely].

MissEYNSFORDHILL[goingtohimwithconfidentfamiliarity]Howdoyoudo?

HIGGINS[staringather]I'veseenyoubeforesomewhere.Ihaven'ttheghostofanotionwhere;butI'veheardyourvoice.[Drearily]Itdoesn'tmatter.You'dbettersitdown.

MRS.HIGGINS.I'msorrytosaythatmycelebratedsonhasnomanners.Youmustn'tmindhim.

MISSEYNSFORDHILL[gaily]Idon't.[ShesitsintheElizabethanchair].

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[alittlebewildered]Notatall.[ShesitsontheottomanbetweenherdaughterandMrs.Higgins,whohasturnedherchairawayfromthewriting-table].

HIGGINS.Oh,haveIbeenrude?Ididn'tmeantobe.[Hegoestothecentralwindow,throughwhich,withhisbacktothecompany,hecontemplatestheriverandtheflowersinBatterseaParkontheoppositebankasiftheywereafrozendessert.]

Theparlor-maidreturns,usheringinPickering.

THEPARLOR-MAID.ColonelPickering[Shewithdraws].

PICKERING.Howdoyoudo,Mrs.Higgins?

MRS. HIGGINS. So glad you've come. Do you know Mrs. Eynsford Hill—Miss Eynsford Hill?

[Exchangeofbows.TheColonelbringstheChippendalechairalittleforwardbetweenMrs.HillandMrs.Higgins,andsitsdown].

PICKERING.HasHenrytoldyouwhatwe'vecomefor?

HIGGINS[overhisshoulder]Wewereinterrupted:damnit!

MRS.HIGGINS.OhHenry,Henry,really!

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[halfrising]Areweintheway?

MRS. HIGGINS [rising and making her sit down again] No, no. You couldn't have come morefortunately:wewantyoutomeetafriendofours.

HIGGINS [turning hopefully]Yes, byGeorge!Wewant two or three people.You'll do aswell asanybodyelse.

Theparlor-maidreturns,usheringFreddy.

THEPARLOR-MAID.Mr.EynsfordHill.

HIGGINS[almostaudibly,pastendurance]GodofHeaven!anotherofthem.

FREDDY[shakinghandswithMrs.Higgins]Ahdedo?

MRS.HIGGINS.Verygoodofyoutocome.[Introducing]ColonelPickering.

FREDDY[bowing]Ahdedo?

MRS.HIGGINS.Idon'tthinkyouknowmyson,ProfessorHiggins.

FREDDY[goingtoHiggins]Ahdedo?

HIGGINS [looking at himmuch as if hewere a pickpocket] I'll takemy oath I'vemet you beforesomewhere.Wherewasit?

FREDDY.Idon'tthinkso.

HIGGINS[resignedly]Itdon'tmatter,anyhow.Sitdown.HeshakesFreddy'shand,andalmostslingshimontheottomanwithhisfacetothewindows;thencomesroundtotheothersideofit.

HIGGINS.Well,hereweare,anyhow![HesitsdownontheottomannextMrs.EynsfordHill,onherleft.]Andnow,whatthedevilarewegoingtotalkaboutuntilElizacomes?

MRS.HIGGINS.Henry: you are the life and soul of theRoyal Society's soirees; but really you'rerathertryingonmorecommonplaceoccasions.

HIGGINS.AmI?Verysorry.[Beamingsuddenly]IsupposeIam,youknow.[Uproariously]Ha,ha!

MISSEYNSFORDHILL[whoconsidersHigginsquiteeligiblematrimonially]Isympathize.Ihaven't

anysmalltalk.Ifpeoplewouldonlybefrankandsaywhattheyreallythink!

HIGGINS[relapsingintogloom]Lordforbid!

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[takingupherdaughter'scue]Butwhy?

HIGGINS.Whattheythinktheyoughttothinkisbadenough,Lordknows;butwhattheyreallythinkwouldbreakupthewholeshow.DoyousupposeitwouldbereallyagreeableifIweretocomeoutnowwithwhatIreallythink?

MISSEYNSFORDHILL[gaily]Isitsoverycynical?

HIGGINS.Cynical!Whothedickenssaiditwascynical?Imeanitwouldn'tbedecent.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[seriously]Oh!I'msureyoudon'tmeanthat,Mr.Higgins.

HIGGINS.Yousee,we'reallsavages,moreorless.We'resupposedtobecivilizedandcultured—toknowallaboutpoetryandphilosophyandartandscience,andsoon;buthowmanyofusknoweventhemeaningsofthesenames?[ToMissHill]Whatdoyouknowofpoetry?[ToMrs.Hill]What do you know of science? [Indicating Freddy]What does he know of art or science oranythingelse?WhatthedevildoyouimagineIknowofphilosophy?

MRS.HIGGINS[warningly]Orofmanners,Henry?

THEPARLOR-MAID[openingthedoor]MissDoolittle.[Shewithdraws].

HIGGINS[risinghastilyandrunningtoMrs.Higgins]Heresheis,mother.[Hestandsontiptoeandmakessignsoverhismother'sheadtoElizatoindicatetoherwhichladyisherhostess].

Eliza,who is exquisitely dressed, produces an impressionof such remarkable distinctionandbeautyassheentersthattheyallrise,quiteflustered.GuidedbyHiggins'ssignals,shecomestoMrs.Higginswithstudiedgrace.

LIZA[speakingwithpedanticcorrectnessofpronunciationandgreatbeautyoftone]Howdoyoudo,Mrs.Higgins?[ShegaspsslightlyinmakingsureoftheHinHiggins,butisquitesuccessful].Mr.HigginstoldmeImightcome.

MRS.HIGGINS[cordially]Quiteright:I'mverygladindeedtoseeyou.

PICKERING.Howdoyoudo,MissDoolittle?

LIZA[shakinghandswithhim]ColonelPickering,isitnot?

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Ifeelsurewehavemetbefore,MissDoolittle.Irememberyoureyes.

LIZA. How do you do? [She sits down on the ottoman gracefully in the place just left vacant byHiggins].

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[introducing]MydaughterClara.

LIZA.Howdoyoudo?

CLARA[impulsively]Howdoyoudo? [Shesitsdownon theottomanbesideEliza,devouringherwithhereyes].

FREDDY[comingtotheirsideoftheottoman]I'vecertainlyhadthepleasure.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[introducing]MysonFreddy.

LIZA.Howdoyoudo?

FreddybowsandsitsdownintheElizabethanchair,infatuated.

HIGGINS[suddenly]ByGeorge,yes:itallcomesbacktome![Theystareathim].CoventGarden![Lamentably]Whatadamnedthing!

MRS.HIGGINS.Henry,please![Heisabouttositontheedgeofthetable].Don'tsitonmywriting-table:you'llbreakit.

HIGGINS[sulkily]Sorry.

He goes to the divan, stumbling into the fender and over the fire-irons on his way;extricating himself with muttered imprecations; and finishing his disastrous journey bythrowinghimselfsoimpatientlyonthedivanthathealmostbreaksit.Mrs.Higginslooksathim,butcontrolsherselfandsaysnothing.

Alongandpainfulpauseensues.

MRS.HIGGINS[atlast,conversationally]Willitrain,doyouthink?

LIZA.The shallow depression in thewest of these islands is likely tomove slowly in an easterlydirection.Therearenoindicationsofanygreatchangeinthebarometricalsituation.

FREDDY.Ha!ha!howawfullyfunny!

LIZA.Whatiswrongwiththat,youngman?IbetIgotitright.

FREDDY.Killing!

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.I'msureIhopeitwon'tturncold.There'ssomuchinfluenzaabout.Itrunsrightthroughourwholefamilyregularlyeveryspring.

LIZA[darkly]Myauntdiedofinfluenza:sotheysaid.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[clickshertonguesympathetically]!!!

LIZA[inthesametragictone]Butit'smybelieftheydonetheoldwomanin.

MRS.HIGGINS[puzzled]Doneherin?

LIZA.Y-e-e-e-es, Lord love you!Why should she die of influenza? She come through diphtheriarightenoughtheyearbefore.Isawherwithmyowneyes.Fairlybluewithit,shewas.Theyallthoughtshewasdead;butmyfatherhekeptladlinggindownherthroattilshecametososuddenthatshebitthebowloffthespoon.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[startled]Dearme!

LIZA [piling up the indictment]What callwould awomanwith that strength in her have to die ofinfluenza?Whatbecomeofhernewstrawhatthatshouldhavecometome?Somebodypinchedit;andwhatIsayis,themaspincheditdoneherin.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Whatdoesdoingherinmean?

HIGGINS[hastily]Oh,that'sthenewsmalltalk.Todoapersoninmeanstokillthem.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[toEliza,horrified]Yousurelydon'tbelievethatyourauntwaskilled?

LIZA.DoInot!Themshelivedwithwouldhavekilledherforahat-pin,letaloneahat.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Butitcan'thavebeenrightforyourfathertopourspiritsdownherthroatlikethat.Itmighthavekilledher.

LIZA.Nother.Ginwasmother'smilktoher.Besides,he'dpouredsomuchdownhisownthroatthatheknewthegoodofit.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Doyoumeanthathedrank?

LIZA.Drank!Myword!Somethingchronic.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Howdreadfulforyou!

LIZA.Notabit. Itneverdidhimnoharmwhat Icouldsee.But thenhedidnotkeep itup regular.[Cheerfully]Ontheburst,asyoumightsay,fromtimetotime.Andalwaysmoreagreeablewhenhehadadropin.Whenhewasoutofwork,mymotherusedtogivehimfourpenceandtellhimtogoout andnot comebackuntil he'ddrunkhimself cheerful and loving-like.There's lotsofwomenhastomaketheirhusbandsdrunktomakethemfit tolivewith.[Nowquiteatherease]Yousee,it'slikethis.Ifamanhasabitofaconscience,italwaystakeshimwhenhe'ssober;andthen itmakes him low-spirited.A drop of booze just takes that off andmakes himhappy. [ToFreddy,whoisinconvulsionsofsuppressedlaughter]Here!whatareyousniggeringat?

FREDDY.Thenewsmalltalk.Youdoitsoawfullywell.

LIZA. If I was doing it proper, what was you laughing at? [To Higgins] Have I said anything Ioughtn't?

MRS.HIGGINS[interposing]Notatall,MissDoolittle.

LIZA.Well,that'samercy,anyhow.[Expansively]WhatIalwayssayis—

HIGGINS[risingandlookingathiswatch]Ahem!

LIZA[lookingroundathim;takingthehint;andrising]Well:Imustgo.[Theyallrise.Freddygoestothedoor].Sopleasedtohavemetyou.Good-bye.[SheshakeshandswithMrs.Higgins].

MRS.HIGGINS.Good-bye.

LIZA.Good-bye,ColonelPickering.

PICKERING.Good-bye,MissDoolittle.[Theyshakehands].

LIZA[noddingtotheothers]Good-bye,all.

FREDDY[openingthedoorforher]AreyouwalkingacrossthePark,MissDoolittle?Ifso—

LIZA.Walk!Notbloodylikely.[Sensation].Iamgoinginataxi.[Shegoesout].

Pickeringgaspsandsitsdown.FreddygoesoutonthebalconytocatchanotherglimpseofEliza.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[sufferingfromshock]Well,Ireallycan'tgetusedtothenewways.

CLARA[throwingherselfdiscontentedlyintotheElizabethanchair].Oh,it'sallright,mamma,quiteright.Peoplewillthinkwenevergoanywhereorseeanybodyifyouaresoold-fashioned.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.IdaresayIamveryold-fashioned;butIdohopeyouwon'tbeginusingthatexpression,Clara. I havegot accustomed tohearyou talkingaboutmenas rotters, andcallingeverythingfilthyandbeastly; thoughIdothinkithorribleandunladylike.Butthislast isreallytoomuch.Don'tyouthinkso,ColonelPickering?

PICKERING.Don'taskme.I'vebeenawayinIndiaforseveralyears;andmannershavechangedsomuch that I sometimes don't know whether I'm at a respectable dinner-table or in a ship'sforecastle.

CLARA.It'sallamatterofhabit.There'snorightorwronginit.Nobodymeansanythingbyit.Andit'ssoquaint,andgivessuchasmartemphasis to things thatarenot in themselvesverywitty. Ifindthenewsmalltalkdelightfulandquiteinnocent.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[rising]Well,afterthat,Ithinkit'stimeforustogo.

PickeringandHigginsrise.

CLARA[rising]Ohyes:wehavethreeathomestogotostill.Good-bye,Mrs.Higgins.Good-bye,ColonelPickering.Good-bye,ProfessorHiggins.

HIGGINS[cominggrimlyatherfromthedivan,andaccompanyinghertothedoor]Good-bye.Besureyoutryonthatsmalltalkatthethreeat-homes.Don'tbenervousaboutit.Pitchitinstrong.

CLARA[allsmiles]Iwill.Good-bye.Suchnonsense,allthisearlyVictorianprudery!

HIGGINS[temptingher]Suchdamnednonsense!

CLARA.Suchbloodynonsense!

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[convulsively]Clara!

CLARA. Ha! ha! [She goes out radiant, conscious of being thoroughly up to date, and is hearddescendingthestairsinastreamofsilverylaughter].

FREDDY[totheheavensatlarge]Well,Iaskyou[Hegivesitup,andcomestoMrs.Higgins].Good-bye.

MRS.HIGGINS[shakinghands]Good-bye.WouldyouliketomeetMissDoolittleagain?

FREDDY[eagerly]Yes,Ishould,mostawfully.

MRS.HIGGINS.Well,youknowmydays.

FREDDY.Yes.Thanksawfully.Good-bye.[Hegoesout].

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Good-bye,Mr.Higgins.

HIGGINS.Good-bye.Good-bye.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[toPickering] It'snouse. Ishallneverbeable tobringmyself touse thatword.

PICKERING.Don't.It'snotcompulsory,youknow.You'llgetonquitewellwithoutit.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Only,ClaraissodownonmeifIamnotpositivelyreekingwiththelatestslang.Good-bye.

PICKERING.Good-bye[Theyshakehands].

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL [toMrs.Higgins]Youmustn'tmindClara. [Pickering, catching fromherloweredtonethatthisisnotmeantforhimtohear,discreetlyjoinsHigginsatthewindow].We'resopoor!andshegetssofewparties,poorchild!Shedoesn'tquiteknow.[Mrs.Higgins,seeingthathereyesaremoist,takesherhandsympatheticallyandgoeswithhertothedoor].Buttheboyisnice.Don'tyouthinkso?

MRS.HIGGINS.Oh,quitenice.Ishallalwaysbedelightedtoseehim.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Thankyou,dear.Good-bye.[Shegoesout].

HIGGINS [eagerly] Well? Is Eliza presentable [he swoops on his mother and drags her to theottoman,whereshesitsdowninEliza'splacewithhersononherleft]?

Pickeringreturnstohischaironherright.

MRS.HIGGINS.Yousillyboy,ofcourseshe'snotpresentable.She'satriumphofyourartandofherdressmaker's; but if you suppose for a moment that she doesn't give herself away in everysentencesheutters,youmustbeperfectlycrackedabouther.

PICKERING. But don't you think something might be done? I mean something to eliminate thesanguinaryelementfromherconversation.

MRS.HIGGINS.NotaslongassheisinHenry'shands.

HIGGINS[aggrieved]Doyoumeanthatmylanguageisimproper?

MRS.HIGGINS.No, dearest: itwould be quite proper—say on a canal barge; but itwould not beproperforheratagardenparty.

HIGGINS[deeplyinjured]WellImustsay—

PICKERING[interruptinghim]Come,Higgins:youmustlearntoknowyourself.Ihaven'theardsuchlanguageasyourssinceweusedtoreviewthevolunteersinHydeParktwentyyearsago.

HIGGINS[sulkily]Oh,well,ifyousayso,IsupposeIdon'talwaystalklikeabishop.

MRS.HIGGINS[quietingHenrywithatouch]ColonelPickering:willyoutellmewhatistheexactstateofthingsinWimpoleStreet?

PICKERING[cheerfully: as if this completely changed the subject]Well, I havecome to live therewithHenry.WeworktogetheratmyIndianDialects;andwethinkitmoreconvenient—

MRS.HIGGINS.Quiteso.Iknowallaboutthat:it'sanexcellentarrangement.Butwheredoesthisgirllive?

HIGGINS.Withus,ofcourse.Wherewouldshelive?

MRS.HIGGINS.Butonwhatterms?Issheaservant?Ifnot,whatisshe?

PICKERING[slowly]IthinkIknowwhatyoumean,Mrs.Higgins.

HIGGINS.Well,dashmeifIdo!I'vehadtoworkatthegirleverydayformonthstogethertoherpresent pitch. Besides, she's useful. She knows where my things are, and remembers myappointmentsandsoforth.

MRS.HIGGINS.Howdoesyourhousekeepergetonwithher?

HIGGINS.Mrs. Pearce?Oh, she's jolly glad to get somuch taken off her hands; for beforeElizacame,shehadtohavetofindthingsandremindmeofmyappointments.Butshe'sgotsomesillybeeinherbonnetaboutEliza.Shekeepssaying"Youdon'tthink,sir":doesn'tshe,Pick?

PICKERING.Yes:that'stheformula."Youdon'tthink,sir."That'stheendofeveryconversationaboutEliza.

HIGGINS.Asif Ieverstopthinkingabout thegirlandherconfoundedvowelsandconsonants. I'mwornout,thinkingabouther,andwatchingherlipsandherteethandhertongue,nottomentionhersoul,whichisthequaintestofthelot.

MRS.HIGGINS.Youcertainlyareaprettypairofbabies,playingwithyourlivedoll.

HIGGINS.Playing!ThehardestjobIevertackled:makenomistakeaboutthat,mother.Butyouhaveno idea how frightfully interesting it is to take a human being and change her into a quitedifferent human being by creating a new speech for her. It's filling up the deepest gulf thatseparatesclassfromclassandsoulfromsoul.

PICKERING [drawing his chair closer toMrs.Higgins and bending over to her eagerly]Yes: it'senormouslyinteresting.Iassureyou,Mrs.Higgins,wetakeElizaveryseriously.Everyweek—everydayalmost—thereissomenewchange.[Closeragain]Wekeeprecordsofeverystage—dozensofgramophonedisksandphotographs—

HIGGINS[assailingherat theotherear]Yes,byGeorge:it's themostabsorbingexperimentIevertackled.Sheregularlyfillsourlivesup;doesn'tshe,Pick?

PICKERING.We'realwaystalkingEliza.

HIGGINS.TeachingEliza.

PICKERING.DressingEliza.

MRS.HIGGINS.What!

HIGGINS.InventingnewElizas.

HigginsandPickering,speakingtogether:

HIGGINS.Youknow,shehasthemostextraordinaryquicknessofear:PICKERING.Iassureyou,mydearMrs.Higgins,thatgirlHIGGINS.justlikeaparrot.I'vetriedherwitheveryPICKERING.isagenius.ShecanplaythepianoquitebeautifullyHIGGINS.possiblesortofsoundthatahumanbeingcanmake—PICKERING.WehavetakenhertoclassicalconcertsandtomusicHIGGINS.Continentaldialects,Africandialects,HottentotPICKERING.halls;andit'sallthesametoher:sheplayseverythingHIGGINS.clicks,thingsittookmeyearstogetholdof;andPICKERING.shehearsrightoffwhenshecomeshome,whetherit'sHIGGINS.shepicksthemuplikeashot,rightaway,asifshehadPICKERING.BeethovenandBrahmsorLeharandLionelMorickton;HIGGINS.beenatitallherlife.PICKERING.thoughsixmonthsago,she'dneverasmuchastouchedapiano.

MRS.HIGGINS[puttingherfingersinherears,astheyarebythistimeshoutingoneanotherdownwithanintolerablenoise]Sh—sh—sh—sh![Theystop].

PICKERING.Ibegyourpardon.[Hedrawshischairbackapologetically].

HIGGINS.Sorry.WhenPickeringstartsshoutingnobodycangetawordinedgeways.

MRS.HIGGINS.Bequiet,Henry.ColonelPickering:don'tyou realize thatwhenElizawalked intoWimpoleStreet,somethingwalkedinwithher?

PICKERING.Herfatherdid.ButHenrysoongotridofhim.

MRS.HIGGINS. Itwouldhavebeenmore to thepoint if hermotherhad.But ashermotherdidn'tsomethingelsedid.

PICKERING.Butwhat?

MRS.HIGGINS[unconsciouslydatingherselfbytheword]Aproblem.

PICKERING.Oh,Isee.Theproblemofhowtopassheroffasalady.

HIGGINS.I'llsolvethatproblem.I'vehalfsolveditalready.

MRS.HIGGINS.No,youtwoinfinitelystupidmalecreatures:theproblemofwhatistobedonewithherafterwards.

HIGGINS.Idon'tseeanythinginthat.Shecangoherownway,withalltheadvantagesIhavegivenher.

MRS.HIGGINS.Theadvantagesofthatpoorwomanwhowasherejustnow!Themannersandhabitsthatdisqualifyafineladyfromearningherownlivingwithoutgivingherafinelady'sincome!Isthatwhatyoumean?

PICKERING [indulgently, being ratherbored]Oh, thatwill be all right,Mrs.Higgins. [He rises togo].

HIGGINS[risingalso]We'llfindhersomelightemployment.

PICKERING.She'shappyenough.Don'tyouworryabouther.Good-bye. [Heshakeshandsas ifhewereconsolingafrightenedchild,andmakesforthedoor].

HIGGINS.Anyhow,there'snogoodbotheringnow.Thething'sdone.Good-bye,mother.[Hekissesher,andfollowsPickering].

PICKERING [turning for a final consolation] There are plenty of openings.We'll dowhat's right.Good-bye.

HIGGINS[toPickeringastheygoouttogether]Let'stakehertotheShakespearexhibitionatEarlsCourt.

PICKERING.Yes:let's.Herremarkswillbedelicious.

HIGGINS.She'llmimicallthepeopleforuswhenwegethome.

PICKERING.Ripping.[Bothareheardlaughingastheygodownstairs].

MRS.HIGGINS [riseswith an impatient bounce, and returns to herwork at thewriting-table. Shesweeps a litter of disarranged papers out of her way; snatches a sheet of paper from herstationerycase;andtriesresolutelytowrite.Atthethirdlineshegivesitup;flingsdownherpen;gripsthetableangrilyandexclaims]Oh,men!men!!men!!!

ACTIV

The Wimpole Street laboratory. Midnight. Nobody in the room. The clock on themantelpiecestrikestwelve.Thefireisnotalight:itisasummernight.

PresentlyHigginsandPickeringareheardonthestairs.

HIGGINS[callingdowntoPickering]Isay,Pick:lockup,willyou.Ishan'tbegoingoutagain.

PICKERING.Right.CanMrs.Pearcegotobed?Wedon'twantanythingmore,dowe?

HIGGINS.Lord,no!

Eliza opens the door and is seen on the lighted landing in opera cloak, brilliant eveningdress, anddiamonds,with fan, flowers, and all accessories.She comes to thehearth, andswitchesontheelectriclightsthere.Sheistired:herpallorcontrastsstronglywithherdarkeyesandhair;andherexpressionisalmosttragic.Shetakesoffhercloak;putsherfanandflowersonthepiano;andsitsdownonthebench,broodingandsilent.Higgins,ineveningdress,withovercoatandhat,comesin,carryingasmokingjacketwhichhehaspickedupdownstairs. He takes off the hat and overcoat; throws them carelessly on the newspaperstand;disposesofhiscoatinthesameway;putsonthesmokingjacket;andthrowshimselfwearilyintotheeasy-chairatthehearth.Pickering,similarlyattired,comesin.Healsotakesoffhishatandovercoat,andisabouttothrowthemonHiggins'swhenhehesitates.

PICKERING.Isay:Mrs.Pearcewillrowifweleavethesethingslyingaboutinthedrawing-room.

HIGGINS.Oh,chuckthemoverthebannistersintothehall.She'llfindthemthereinthemorningandputthemawayallright.She'llthinkweweredrunk.

PICKERING.Weare,slightly.Arethereanyletters?

HIGGINS.Ididn'tlook.[Pickeringtakestheovercoatsandhatsandgoesdownstairs.Higginsbeginshalf singing half yawning an air from La Fanciulla del GoldenWest. Suddenly he stops andexclaims]Iwonderwherethedevilmyslippersare!

Elizalooksathimdarkly;thenleavestheroom.

Higgins yawns again, and resumes his song. Pickering returns, with the contents of theletter-boxinhishand.

PICKERING.Onlycirculars,andthiscoronetedbillet-douxforyou.[Hethrowsthecircularsintothefender,andpostshimselfonthehearthrug,withhisbacktothegrate].

HIGGINS[glancingatthebillet-doux]Money-lender.[Hethrowstheletterafterthecirculars].

Eliza returns with a pair of large down-at-heel slippers. She places them on the carpetbeforeHiggins,andsitsasbeforewithoutaword.

HIGGINS[yawningagain]OhLord!Whatanevening!Whatacrew!Whatasillytomfoollery![Heraiseshisshoetounlaceit,andcatchessightoftheslippers.Hestopsunlacingandlooksatthemasiftheyhadappearedthereoftheirownaccord].Oh!they'rethere,arethey?

PICKERING [stretching himself]Well, I feel a bit tired. It's been a long day. The garden party, adinnerparty,andtheopera!Rathertoomuchofagoodthing.Butyou'vewonyourbet,Higgins.Elizadidthetrick,andsomethingtospare,eh?

HIGGINS[fervently]ThankGodit'sover!

Eliza flinches violently; but they take no notice of her; and she recovers herself and sitsstonilyasbefore.

PICKERING.Wereyounervousatthegardenparty?Iwas.Elizadidn'tseemabitnervous.

HIGGINS. Oh, she wasn't nervous. I knew she'd be all right. No, it's the strain of putting the jobthroughallthesemonthsthathastoldonme.Itwasinterestingenoughatfirst,whilewewereatthephonetics;butafterthatIgotdeadlysickofit.IfIhadn'tbackedmyselftodoitIshouldhavechuckedthewholethinguptwomonthsago.Itwasasillynotion:thewholethinghasbeenabore.

PICKERING. Oh come! the garden party was frightfully exciting. My heart began beating likeanything.

HIGGINS.Yes,forthefirstthreeminutes.ButwhenIsawweweregoingtowinhandsdown,Ifeltlikeabearinacage,hangingaboutdoingnothing.Thedinnerwasworse:sittinggorgingthereforoveranhour,withnobodybutadamnedfoolofafashionablewomantotalkto!I tellyou,Pickering,neveragain forme.Nomoreartificialduchesses.Thewhole thinghasbeen simplepurgatory.

PICKERING.You'veneverbeenbrokeninproperlytothesocialroutine.[Strollingovertothepiano]Iratherenjoydippingintoitoccasionallymyself:itmakesmefeelyoungagain.Anyhow,itwasagreatsuccess:animmensesuccess.IwasquitefrightenedonceortwicebecauseElizawasdoingitsowell.Yousee,lotsoftherealpeoplecan'tdoitatall:they'resuchfoolsthattheythinkstylecomesbynature topeople in theirposition;andsotheynever learn.There'salwayssomethingprofessionalaboutdoingathingsuperlativelywell.

HIGGINS. Yes: that's what drives me mad: the silly people don't know their own silly business.[Rising] However, it's over and done with; and now I can go to bed at last without dreadingtomorrow.

Eliza'sbeautybecomesmurderous.

PICKERING.IthinkIshallturnintoo.Still,it'sbeenagreatoccasion:atriumphforyou.Good-night.[Hegoes].

HIGGINS[followinghim]Good-night.[Overhisshoulder,atthedoor]Putoutthelights,Eliza;andtellMrs.Pearcenottomakecoffeeformeinthemorning:I'lltaketea.[Hegoesout].

Elizatriestocontrolherselfandfeelindifferentassherisesandwalksacrosstothehearthtoswitchoffthelights.Bythetimeshegetstheresheisonthepointofscreaming.Shesitsdown inHiggins's chair andholdsonhard to the arms.Finally shegiveswayand flingsherselffuriouslyonthefloorraging.

HIGGINS[indespairingwrathoutside]WhatthedevilhaveIdonewithmyslippers?[Heappearsatthedoor].

LIZA[snatchinguptheslippers,andhurlingthemathimoneaftertheotherwithallherforce]Thereareyourslippers.Andthere.Takeyourslippers;andmayyouneverhaveaday'sluckwiththem!

HIGGINS[astounded]Whatonearth—![Hecomestoher].What'sthematter?Getup.[Hepullsherup].Anythingwrong?

LIZA[breathless]Nothingwrong—withYOU.I'vewonyourbetforyou,haven'tI?That'senoughforyou.Idon'tmatter,Isuppose.

HIGGINS.YOUwonmybet!You!Presumptuousinsect!Iwonit.Whatdidyouthrowthoseslippersatmefor?

LIZA.Because Iwanted to smashyour face. I'd like to kill you, you selfish brute.Whydidn't youleavemewhereyoupickedmeoutof—inthegutter?YouthankGodit'sallover,andthatnowyoucanthrowmebackagainthere,doyou?[Shecrispsherfingers,frantically].

HIGGINS[lookingatherincoolwonder]ThecreatureISnervous,afterall.

LIZA[givesasuffocatedscreamoffury,andinstinctivelydartshernailsathisface]!!

HIGGINS[catchingherwrists]Ah!wouldyou?Clawsin,youcat.Howdareyoushowyourtempertome?Sitdownandbequiet.[Hethrowsherroughlyintotheeasy-chair].

LIZA[crushedbysuperiorstrengthandweight]What'stobecomeofme?What'stobecomeofme?

HIGGINS.HowthedevildoIknowwhat'stobecomeofyou?Whatdoesitmatterwhatbecomesofyou?

LIZA.Youdon'tcare.Iknowyoudon'tcare.Youwouldn'tcareifIwasdead.I'mnothingtoyou—not

somuchasthemslippers.

HIGGINS[thundering]THOSEslippers.

LIZA[withbittersubmission]Thoseslippers.Ididn'tthinkitmadeanydifferencenow.

Apause.Elizahopelessandcrushed.Higginsalittleuneasy.

HIGGINS[inhis loftiestmanner]Whyhaveyoubegungoingon like this?MayIaskwhetheryoucomplainofyourtreatmenthere?

LIZA.No.

HIGGINS.Hasanybodybehavedbadlytoyou?ColonelPickering?Mrs.Pearce?Anyoftheservants?

LIZA.No.

HIGGINS.Ipresumeyoudon'tpretendthatIhavetreatedyoubadly.

LIZA.No.

HIGGINS.Iamgladtohearit.[Hemoderateshistone].Perhapsyou'retiredafterthestrainoftheday.Willyouhaveaglassofchampagne?[Hemovestowardsthedoor].

LIZA.No.[Recollectinghermanners]Thankyou.

HIGGINS [good-humored again] This has been coming on you for some days. I suppose it wasnaturalforyoutobeanxiousaboutthegardenparty.Butthat'sallovernow.[Hepatsherkindlyontheshoulder.Shewrithes].There'snothingmoretoworryabout.

LIZA.No.Nothingmore for you toworry about. [She suddenly rises andgets away fromhimbygoingtothepianobench,whereshesitsandhidesherface].OhGod!IwishIwasdead.

HIGGINS[staringafterherinsinceresurprise]Why?inheaven'sname,why?[Reasonably,goingtoher]Listentome,Eliza.Allthisirritationispurelysubjective.

LIZA.Idon'tunderstand.I'mtooignorant.

HIGGINS. It's only imagination. Low spirits and nothing else. Nobody's hurting you. Nothing'swrong.Yougotobedlikeagoodgirlandsleepitoff.Havealittlecryandsayyourprayers:thatwillmakeyoucomfortable.

LIZA.IheardYOURprayers."ThankGodit'sallover!"

HIGGINS[impatiently]Well,don'tyou thankGod it'sallover?Nowyouare freeandcandowhatyoulike.

LIZA [pulling herself together in desperation]What am I fit for?What have you left me fit for?WhereamItogo?WhatamItodo?What'stobecomeofme?

HIGGINS[enlightened,butnotatallimpressed]Oh,that'swhat'sworryingyou,isit?[Hethrustshishandsintohispockets,andwalksaboutinhisusualmanner,rattlingthecontentsofhispockets,asif condescending toa trivial subjectoutofpurekindness]. I shouldn'tbother about it if Iwereyou.Ishouldimagineyouwon'thavemuchdifficultyinsettlingyourself,somewhereorother,thoughIhadn'tquiterealizedthatyouweregoingaway.[Shelooksquicklyathim:hedoesnotlookather,butexaminesthedessertstandonthepianoanddecidesthathewilleatanapple].Youmightmarry,youknow.[Hebitesalargepieceoutoftheapple,andmunchesitnoisily].Yousee,Eliza, all men are not confirmed old bachelors like me and the Colonel. Most men are themarrying sort (poor devils!); and you're not bad-looking; it's quite a pleasure to look at yousometimes—notnow,ofcourse,becauseyou'recryingandlookingasuglyastheverydevil;butwhenyou'reallrightandquiteyourself,you'rewhatIshouldcallattractive.Thatis,tothepeopleinthemarryingline,youunderstand.Yougotobedandhaveagoodnicerest;andthengetupandlookatyourselfintheglass;andyouwon'tfeelsocheap.

Elizaagainlooksathim,speechless,anddoesnotstir.

Thelookisquitelostonhim:heeatshisapplewithadreamyexpressionofhappiness,asitisquiteagoodone.

HIGGINS [a genial afterthought occurring to him] I daresaymymother could find some chap orotherwhowoulddoverywell—

LIZA.WewereabovethatatthecornerofTottenhamCourtRoad.

HIGGINS[wakingup]Whatdoyoumean?

LIZA.Isoldflowers.Ididn'tsellmyself.Nowyou'vemadealadyofmeI'mnotfittosellanythingelse.Iwishyou'dleftmewhereyoufoundme.

HIGGINS [slinging the core of the apple decisively into the grate] Tosh, Eliza. Don't you insulthumanrelationsbydraggingallthiscantaboutbuyingandsellingintoit.Youneedn'tmarrythefellowifyoudon'tlikehim.

LIZA.WhatelseamItodo?

HIGGINS.Oh,lotsofthings.Whataboutyouroldideaofaflorist'sshop?Pickeringcouldsetyouupinone:he'slotsofmoney.[Chuckling]He'llhavetopayforallthosetogsyouhavebeenwearingtoday;andthat,withthehireofthejewellery,willmakeabigholeintwohundredpounds.Why,sixmonthsagoyouwouldhave thought it themillennium tohavea flower shopofyourown.Come!you'llbeallright.Imustclearofftobed:I'mdevilishsleepy.Bytheway,Icamedownforsomething:Iforgetwhatitwas.

LIZA.Yourslippers.

HIGGINS.Ohyes,ofcourse.Youshied thematme. [Hepicks themup,and isgoingoutwhenshe

risesandspeakstohim].

LIZA.Beforeyougo,sir—

HIGGINS[droppingtheslippersinhissurpriseathercallinghimsir]Eh?

LIZA.DomyclothesbelongtomeortoColonelPickering?

HIGGINS[comingbackintotheroomasifherquestionweretheveryclimaxofunreason]WhatthedevilusewouldtheybetoPickering?

LIZA.Hemightwantthemforthenextgirlyoupickuptoexperimenton.

HIGGINS[shockedandhurt]IsTHATthewayyoufeeltowardsus?

LIZA.Idon'twanttohearanythingmoreaboutthat.AllIwanttoknowiswhetheranythingbelongstome.Myownclotheswereburnt.

HIGGINS. But what does itmatter?Why need you start bothering about that in themiddle of thenight?

LIZA.IwanttoknowwhatImaytakeawaywithme.Idon'twanttobeaccusedofstealing.

HIGGINS[nowdeeplywounded]Stealing!Youshouldn'thavesaidthat,Eliza.Thatshowsawantoffeeling.

LIZA.I'msorry.I'monlyacommonignorantgirl;andinmystationIhavetobecareful.Therecan'tbeanyfeelingsbetweenthelikeofyouandthelikeofme.Pleasewillyoutellmewhatbelongstomeandwhatdoesn't?

HIGGINS [very sulky] You may take the whole damned houseful if you like. Except the jewels.They'rehired.Willthatsatisfyyou?[Heturnsonhisheelandisabouttogoinextremedudgeon].

LIZA[drinkinginhisemotionlikenectar,andnagginghimtoprovokeafurthersupply]Stop,please.[Shetakesoffherjewels].Willyoutakethesetoyourroomandkeepthemsafe?Idon'twanttoruntheriskoftheirbeingmissing.

HIGGINS[furious]Handthemover.[Sheputsthemintohishands].Ifthesebelongedtomeinsteadoftothejeweler,I'dramthemdownyourungratefulthroat.[Heperfunctorilythruststhemintohispockets,unconsciouslydecoratinghimselfwiththeprotrudingendsofthechains].

LIZA[takingaringoff]Thisringisn'tthejeweler's:it'stheoneyouboughtmeinBrighton.Idon'twant it now. [Higgins dashes the ring violently into the fireplace, and turns on her sothreateninglythatshecrouchesoverthepianowithherhandsoverherface,andexclaims]Don'tyouhitme.

HIGGINS.Hityou!Youinfamouscreature,howdareyouaccusemeofsuchathing?Itisyouwhohavehitme.Youhavewoundedmetotheheart.

LIZA[thrillingwithhiddenjoy]I'mglad.I'vegotalittleofmyownback,anyhow.

HIGGINS [withdignity, in his finest professional style]Youhave causedme to losemy temper: athingthathashardlyeverhappenedtomebefore.Iprefertosaynothingmoretonight.Iamgoingtobed.

LIZA[pertly]You'dbetterleaveanoteforMrs.Pearceaboutthecoffee;forshewon'tbetoldbyme.

HIGGINS[formally]DamnMrs.Pearce;anddamnthecoffee;anddamnyou;anddamnmyownfollyinhavinglavishedMYhard-earnedknowledgeandthetreasureofmyregardandintimacyonaheartlessguttersnipe.[Hegoesoutwithimpressivedecorum,andspoilsitbyslammingthedoorsavagely].

Eliza smiles for the first time; expresses her feelings by awild pantomime inwhich animitationofHiggins'sexitisconfusedwithherowntriumph;andfinallygoesdownonherkneesonthehearthrugtolookforthering.

ACTV

Mrs. Higgins's drawing-room. She is at her writing-table as before. The parlor-maidcomesin.

THEPARLOR-MAID[atthedoor]Mr.Henry,mam,isdownstairswithColonelPickering.

MRS.HIGGINS.Well,showthemup.

THEPARLOR-MAID.They'reusingthetelephone,mam.Telephoningtothepolice,Ithink.

MRS.HIGGINS.What!

THE PARLOR-MAID [coming further in and lowering her voice]Mr. Henry's in a state, mam. IthoughtI'dbettertellyou.

MRS. HIGGINS. If you had told me that Mr. Henry was not in a state it would have been moresurprising. Tell them to come up when they've finished with the police. I suppose he's lostsomething.

THEPARLOR-MAID.Yes,maam[going].

MRS.HIGGINS.GoupstairsandtellMissDoolittlethatMr.HenryandtheColonelarehere.AskhernottocomedowntillIsendforher.

THEPARLOR-MAID.Yes,mam.

Higginsburstsin.Heis,astheparlor-maidhassaid,inastate.

HIGGINS.Lookhere,mother:here'saconfoundedthing!

MRS. HIGGINS. Yes, dear. Good-morning. [He checks his impatience and kisses her, whilst theparlor-maidgoesout].Whatisit?

HIGGINS.Eliza'sbolted.

MRS.HIGGINS[calmlycontinuingherwriting]Youmusthavefrightenedher.

HIGGINS.Frightenedher!nonsense!Shewasleftlastnight,asusual,toturnoutthelightsandallthat;andinsteadofgoingtobedshechangedherclothesandwentrightoff:herbedwasn'tslept in.Shecameinacabforherthingsbeforeseventhismorning;andthatfoolMrs.Pearceletherhavethemwithouttellingmeawordaboutit.WhatamItodo?

MRS.HIGGINS.Dowithout,I'mafraid,Henry.Thegirlhasaperfectrighttoleaveifshechooses.

HIGGINS [wandering distractedly across the room] But I can't find anything. I don't know whatappointmentsI'vegot.I'm—[Pickeringcomesin.Mrs.Higginsputsdownherpenandturnsawayfromthewriting-table].

PICKERING[shakinghands]Good-morning,Mrs.Higgins.HasHenrytoldyou?[Hesitsdownontheottoman].

HIGGINS.Whatdoesthatassofaninspectorsay?Haveyouofferedareward?

MRS.HIGGINS[risinginindignantamazement]Youdon'tmeantosayyouhavesetthepoliceafterEliza?

HIGGINS.Of course.What are thepolice for?What else couldwedo? [He sits in theElizabethanchair].

PICKERING.Theinspectormadealotofdifficulties.Ireallythinkhesuspectedusofsomeimproperpurpose.

MRS.HIGGINS.Well,ofcoursehedid.Whatrighthaveyoutogotothepoliceandgivethegirl'sname as if she were a thief, or a lost umbrella, or something? Really! [She sits down again,deeplyvexed].

HIGGINS.Butwewanttofindher.

PICKERING.Wecan'tlethergolikethis,youknow,Mrs.Higgins.Whatwerewetodo?

MRS.HIGGINS.Youhavenomoresense,eitherofyou,thantwochildren.Why—

Theparlor-maidcomesinandbreaksofftheconversation.

THEPARLOR-MAID.Mr.Henry: a gentlemanwants to see you very particular.He's been sent onfromWimpoleStreet.

HIGGINS.Oh,bother!Ican'tseeanyonenow.Whoisit?

THEPARLOR-MAID.AMr.Doolittle,Sir.

PICKERING.Doolittle!Doyoumeanthedustman?

THEPARLOR-MAID.Dustman!Ohno,sir:agentleman.

HIGGINS [springing up excitedly] ByGeorge, Pick, it's some relative of hers that she's gone to.Somebodyweknownothingabout.[Totheparlor-maid]Sendhimup,quick.

THEPARLOR-MAID.Yes,Sir.[Shegoes].

HIGGINS [eagerly, going to hismother]Genteel relatives! nowwe shall hear something. [He sitsdownintheChippendalechair].

MRS.HIGGINS.Doyouknowanyofherpeople?

PICKERING.Onlyherfather:thefellowwetoldyouabout.

THEPARLOR-MAID[announcing]Mr.Doolittle.[Shewithdraws].

Doolittle enters. He is brilliantly dressed in a new fashionable frock-coat, with whitewaistcoat and grey trousers. A flower in his buttonhole, a dazzling silk hat, and patentleathershoescompletetheeffect.HeistooconcernedwiththebusinesshehascomeontonoticeMrs.Higgins.HewalksstraighttoHiggins,andaccostshimwithvehementreproach.

DOOLITTLE[indicatinghisownperson]Seehere!Doyouseethis?Youdonethis.

HIGGINS.Donewhat,man?

DOOLITTLE.This,Itellyou.Lookatit.Lookatthishat.Lookatthiscoat.

PICKERING.HasElizabeenbuyingyouclothes?

DOOLITTLE.Eliza!notshe.Nothalf.Whywouldshebuymeclothes?

MRS.HIGGINS.Good-morning,Mr.Doolittle.Won'tyousitdown?

DOOLITTLE[takenabackashebecomesconscious thathehasforgottenhishostess]Askingyourpardon,ma'am.[Heapproachesherandshakesherprofferedhand].Thankyou.[Hesitsdownontheottoman,onPickering'sright].IamthatfullofwhathashappenedtomethatIcan'tthinkofanythingelse.

HIGGINS.Whatthedickenshashappenedtoyou?

DOOLITTLE.Ishouldn'tmindifithadonlyhappenedtome:anythingmighthappentoanybodyandnobodytoblamebutProvidence,asyoumightsay.Butthisissomethingthatyoudonetome:yes,you,HenryHiggins.

HIGGINS.HaveyoufoundEliza?That'sthepoint.

DOOLITTLE.Haveyoulosther?

HIGGINS.Yes.

DOOLITTLE.Youhavealltheluck,youhave.Iain'tfoundher;butshe'llfindmequickenoughnowafterwhatyoudonetome.

MRS.HIGGINS.Butwhathasmysondonetoyou,Mr.Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE.Donetome!Ruinedme.Destroyedmyhappiness.Tiedmeupanddeliveredmeintothehandsofmiddleclassmorality.

HIGGINS[risingintolerantlyandstandingoverDoolittle]You'reraving.You'redrunk.You'remad.Igaveyoufivepounds.AfterthatIhadtwoconversationswithyou,athalf-a-crownanhour.I'veneverseenyousince.

DOOLITTLE.Oh!Drunk!amI?Mad!amI?Tellmethis.DidyouordidyounotwritealettertoanoldblighterinAmericathatwasgivingfivemillionstofoundMoralReformSocietiesallovertheworld,andthatwantedyoutoinventauniversallanguageforhim?

HIGGINS.What!EzraD.Wannafeller!He'sdead.[Hesitsdownagaincarelessly].

DOOLITTLE.Yes:he'sdead;andI'mdonefor.NowdidyouordidyounotwritealettertohimtosaythatthemostoriginalmoralistatpresentinEngland,tothebestofyourknowledge,wasAlfredDoolittle,acommondustman.

HIGGINS.Oh,afteryourlastvisitIremembermakingsomesillyjokeofthekind.

DOOLITTLE.Ah!youmaywellcallitasillyjoke.Itputthelidonmerightenough.JustgivehimthechancehewantedtoshowthatAmericansisnotlikeus:thattheyrecognizeandrespectmeritinevery class of life, however humble. Them words is in his blooming will, in which, HenryHiggins,thankstoyoursillyjoking,heleavesmeashareinhisPre-digestedCheeseTrustworththreethousandayearonconditionthatIlectureforhisWannafellerMoralReformWorldLeagueasoftenastheyaskmeuptosixtimesayear.

HIGGINS.Thedevilhedoes!Whew![Brighteningsuddenly]Whatalark!

PICKERING.Asafethingforyou,Doolittle.Theywon'taskyoutwice.

DOOLITTLE.Itain'tthelecturingImind.I'lllecturethemblueintheface,Iwill,andnotturnahair.It'smakingagentlemanofmethatIobjectto.Whoaskedhimtomakeagentlemanofme?Iwashappy.Iwasfree.ItouchedprettynigheverybodyformoneywhenIwantedit,sameasItouchedyou, Henry Higgins. Now I amworrited; tied neck and heels; and everybody touchesme formoney.It'safinethingforyou,saysmysolicitor.Isit?saysI.Youmeanit'sagoodthingforyou,Isays.WhenIwasapoormanandhadasolicitoroncewhentheyfoundapraminthedustcart,hegotmeoff,andgotshutofmeandgotmeshutofhimasquickashecould.Samewith thedoctors:usedtoshovemeoutofthehospitalbeforeIcouldhardlystandonmylegs,andnothing

topay.Now they findsout that I'mnot ahealthymanandcan't liveunless they looksaftermetwiceaday. In thehouseI'mnot letdoahand's turnformyself:somebodyelsemustdo itandtouchmeforit.AyearagoIhadn'tarelativeintheworldexcepttwoorthreethatwouldn'tspeaktome.Now I've fifty, andnot adecentweek'swagesamong the lotof them. Ihave to live forothers and not formyself: that'smiddle classmorality.You talk of losingEliza.Don't you beanxious:Ibetshe'sonmydoorstepbythis:shethatcouldsupportherselfeasybysellingflowersifIwasn'trespectable.Andthenextonetotouchmewillbeyou,HenryHiggins.I'llhavetolearntospeakmiddleclasslanguagefromyou,insteadofspeakingproperEnglish.That'swhereyou'llcomein;andIdaresaythat'swhatyoudoneitfor.

MRS.HIGGINS.But,mydearMr.Doolittle,youneednotsufferallthisifyouarereallyinearnest.Nobody can force you to accept this bequest. You can repudiate it. Isn't that so, ColonelPickering?

PICKERING.Ibelieveso.

DOOLITTLE[softeninghismannerindeferencetohersex]That'sthetragedyofit,ma'am.It'seasytosaychuckit;butIhaven't thenerve.Whichoneofushas?We'reall intimidated.Intimidated,ma'am:that'swhatweare.WhatisthereformeifIchuckitbuttheworkhouseinmyoldage?Ihavetodyemyhairalreadytokeepmyjobasadustman.IfIwasoneofthedeservingpoor,andhadputbyabit,Icouldchuckit;butthenwhyshouldI,acausethedeservingpoormightaswellbemillionairesforallthehappinesstheyeverhas.Theydon'tknowwhathappinessis.ButI,asone of the undeserving poor, have nothing betweenme and the pauper's uniformbut this hereblastedthreethousandayearthatshovesmeintothemiddleclass.(Excusetheexpression,ma'am:you'd use it yourself if you hadmy provocation). They've got you everyway you turn: it's achoicebetweentheSkillyoftheworkhouseandtheCharBydisofthemiddleclass;andIhaven'tthenervefor theworkhouse.Intimidated: that'swhatIam.Broke.Boughtup.Happiermenthanmewillcallformydust,andtouchmefortheirtip;andI'lllookonhelpless,andenvythem.Andthat'swhatyoursonhasbroughtmeto.[Heisovercomebyemotion].

MRS.HIGGINS.Well,I'mverygladyou'renotgoingtodoanythingfoolish,Mr.Doolittle.ForthissolvestheproblemofEliza'sfuture.Youcanprovideforhernow.

DOOLITTLE[withmelancholyresignation]Yes,ma'am;I'mexpectedtoprovideforeveryonenow,outofthreethousandayear.

HIGGINS [jumping up]Nonsense! he can't provide for her.He shan't provide for her. She doesn'tbelongtohim.Ipaidhimfivepoundsforher.Doolittle:eitheryou'reanhonestmanorarogue.

DOOLITTLE[tolerantly]Alittleofboth,Henry,liketherestofus:alittleofboth.

HIGGINS.Well,youtookthatmoneyforthegirl;andyouhavenorighttotakeheraswell.

MRS.HIGGINS.Henry:don'tbeabsurd.IfyoureallywanttoknowwhereElizais,sheisupstairs.

HIGGINS[amazed]Upstairs!!!ThenIshalljollysoonfetchherdownstairs.[Hemakesresolutelyforthedoor].

MRS.HIGGINS[risingandfollowinghim]Bequiet,Henry.Sitdown.

HIGGINS.I—

MRS.HIGGINS.Sitdown,dear;andlistentome.

HIGGINS.Ohverywell,verywell,verywell.[Hethrowshimselfungraciouslyontheottoman,withhisfacetowardsthewindows].ButIthinkyoumighthavetoldmethishalfanhourago.

MRS.HIGGINS.Elizacametomethismorning.Shepassedthenightpartlywalkingaboutinarage,partlytryingtothrowherselfintotheriverandbeingafraidto,andpartlyintheCarltonHotel.Shetoldmeofthebrutalwayyoutwotreatedher.

HIGGINS[boundingupagain]What!

PICKERING[risingalso]MydearMrs.Higgins, she'sbeen tellingyou stories.Wedidn't treatherbrutally.Wehardlysaidaword toher;andwepartedonparticularlygood terms. [TurningonHiggins].Higgins:didyoubullyherafterIwenttobed?

HIGGINS. Just the other way about. She threw my slippers in my face. She behaved in the mostoutrageousway.Inevergavehertheslightestprovocation.TheslipperscamebangintomyfacethemomentIenteredtheroom—beforeIhadutteredaword.Andusedperfectlyawfullanguage.

PICKERING[astonished]Butwhy?Whatdidwedotoher?

MRS.HIGGINS. I think Iknowprettywellwhatyoudid.Thegirl isnaturally ratheraffectionate, Ithink.Isn'tshe,Mr.Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE.Verytender-hearted,ma'am.Takesafterme.

MRS.HIGGINS.Justso.Shehadbecomeattachedtoyouboth.Sheworkedveryhardforyou,Henry!Idon'tthinkyouquiterealizewhatanythinginthenatureofbrainworkmeanstoagirllikethat.Well, it seems thatwhen the great dayof trial came, and she did thiswonderful thing for youwithout making a single mistake, you two sat there and never said a word to her, but talkedtogetherofhowgladyouwerethatitwasalloverandhowyouhadbeenboredwiththewholething.Andthenyouweresurprisedbecauseshethrewyourslippersatyou!Ishouldhavethrownthefire-ironsatyou.

HIGGINS.Wesaidnothingexceptthatweweretiredandwantedtogotobed.Didwe,Pick?

PICKERING[shrugginghisshoulders]Thatwasall.

MRS.HIGGINS[ironically]Quitesure?

PICKERING.Absolutely.Really,thatwasall.

MRS.HIGGINS.Youdidn'tthankher,orpether,oradmireher,ortellherhowsplendidshe'dbeen.

HIGGINS[impatiently]Butsheknewallaboutthat.Wedidn'tmakespeechestoher,ifthat'swhatyou

mean.

PICKERING[consciencestricken]Perhapswewerealittleinconsiderate.Issheveryangry?

MRS.HIGGINS [returning to her place at thewriting-table]Well, I'm afraid shewon't go back toWimpoleStreet,especiallynowthatMr.Doolittleisabletokeepupthepositionyouhavethruston her; but she says she is quitewilling tomeet you on friendly terms and to let bygones bebygones.

HIGGINS[furious]Isshe,byGeorge?Ho!

MRS.HIGGINS. If you promise to behave yourself, Henry, I'll ask her to come down. If not, gohome;foryouhavetakenupquiteenoughofmytime.

HIGGINS.Oh,allright.Verywell.Pick:youbehaveyourself.LetusputonourbestSundaymannersfor this creature thatwepickedout of themud. [He flingshimself sulkily into theElizabethanchair].

DOOLITTLE[remonstrating]Now,now,HenryHiggins!havesomeconsiderationformyfeelingsasamiddleclassman.

MRS.HIGGINS.Rememberyourpromise,Henry.[Shepressesthebell-buttononthewriting-table].Mr.Doolittle:willyoubesogoodastostepoutonthebalconyforamoment.Idon'twantElizatohave the shockofyournewsuntil shehasmade it upwith these twogentlemen.Wouldyoumind?

DOOLITTLE.Asyouwish, lady.AnythingtohelpHenrytokeepheroffmyhands.[Hedisappearsthroughthewindow].

Theparlor-maidanswersthebell.PickeringsitsdowninDoolittle'splace.

MRS.HIGGINS.AskMissDoolittletocomedown,please.

THEPARLOR-MAID.Yes,mam.[Shegoesout].

MRS.HIGGINS.Now,Henry:begood.

HIGGINS.Iambehavingmyselfperfectly.

PICKERING.Heisdoinghisbest,Mrs.Higgins.

Apause.Higginsthrowsbackhishead;stretchesouthislegs;andbeginstowhistle.

MRS.HIGGINS.Henry,dearest,youdon'tlookatallniceinthatattitude.

HIGGINS[pullinghimselftogether]Iwasnottryingtolooknice,mother.

MRS.HIGGINS.Itdoesn'tmatter,dear.Ionlywantedtomakeyouspeak.

HIGGINS.Why?

MRS.HIGGINS.Becauseyoucan'tspeakandwhistleatthesametime.

Higginsgroans.Anotherverytryingpause.

HIGGINS[springingup,outofpatience]Wherethedevilisthatgirl?Arewetowaithereallday?

Elizaenters,sunny,self-possessed,andgivingastaggeringlyconvincingexhibitionofeaseofmanner. She carries a little work-basket, and is verymuch at home. Pickering is toomuchtakenabacktorise.

LIZA.Howdoyoudo,ProfessorHiggins?Areyouquitewell?

HIGGINS[choking]AmI—[Hecansaynomore].

LIZA.Butofcourseyouare:youareneverill.Sogladtoseeyouagain,ColonelPickering.[Heriseshastily;andtheyshakehands].Quitechillythismorning,isn'tit?[Shesitsdownonhisleft.Hesitsbesideher].

HIGGINS.Don'tyoudaretrythisgameonme.Itaughtittoyou;anditdoesn'ttakemein.Getupandcomehome;anddon'tbeafool.

Elizatakesapieceofneedleworkfromherbasket,andbeginstostitchatit,withouttakingtheleastnoticeofthisoutburst.

MRS.HIGGINS.Verynicelyput,indeed,Henry.Nowomancouldresistsuchaninvitation.

HIGGINS.Youletheralone,mother.Letherspeakforherself.YouwilljollysoonseewhethershehasanideathatIhaven'tputintoherheadorawordthatIhaven'tputintohermouth.ItellyouIhave created this thing out of the squashed cabbage leaves of Covent Garden; and now shepretendstoplaythefineladywithme.

MRS.HIGGINS[placidly]Yes,dear;butyou'llsitdown,won'tyou?

Higginssitsdownagain,savagely.

LIZA[toPickering, takingnoapparentnoticeofHiggins,andworkingawaydeftly]Willyoudropmealtogethernowthattheexperimentisover,ColonelPickering?

PICKERING.Ohdon't.Youmustn'tthinkofitasanexperiment.Itshocksme,somehow.

LIZA.Oh,I'monlyasquashedcabbageleaf.

PICKERING[impulsively]No.

LIZA[continuingquietly]—butIowesomuchtoyouthatIshouldbeveryunhappyifyouforgotme.

PICKERING.It'sverykindofyoutosayso,MissDoolittle.

LIZA.It'snotbecauseyoupaidformydresses.Iknowyouaregeneroustoeverybodywithmoney.ButitwasfromyouthatIlearntreallynicemanners;andthatiswhatmakesonealady,isn'tit?YouseeitwassoverydifficultformewiththeexampleofProfessorHigginsalwaysbeforeme.Iwas brought up to be just like him, unable to controlmyself, and using bad language on theslightestprovocation.AndIshouldneverhaveknownthatladiesandgentlemendidn'tbehavelikethatifyouhadn'tbeenthere.

HIGGINS.Well!!

PICKERING.Oh,that'sonlyhisway,youknow.Hedoesn'tmeanit.

LIZA.Oh,Ididn'tmeaniteither,whenIwasaflowergirl.Itwasonlymyway.ButyouseeIdidit;andthat'swhatmakesthedifferenceafterall.

PICKERING.Nodoubt.Still,hetaughtyoutospeak;andIcouldn'thavedonethat,youknow.

LIZA[trivially]Ofcourse:thatishisprofession.

HIGGINS.Damnation!

LIZA[continuing]Itwasjustlikelearningtodanceinthefashionableway:therewasnothingmorethanthatinit.Butdoyouknowwhatbeganmyrealeducation?

PICKERING.What?

LIZA[stoppingherworkforamoment]YourcallingmeMissDoolittlethatdaywhenIfirstcametoWimpoleStreet.Thatwasthebeginningofself-respectforme.[Sheresumesherstitching].Andtherewereahundredlittlethingsyounevernoticed,becausetheycamenaturallytoyou.Thingsaboutstandingupandtakingoffyourhatandopeningdoors—

PICKERING.Oh,thatwasnothing.

LIZA.Yes: things that showed you thought and felt aboutme as if Iwere something better than ascullerymaid;thoughofcourseIknowyouwouldhavebeenjustthesametoascullery-maidifshehadbeenletinthedrawing-room.YounevertookoffyourbootsinthediningroomwhenIwasthere.

PICKERING.Youmustn'tmindthat.Higginstakesoffhisbootsallovertheplace.

LIZA.Iknow.Iamnotblaminghim.Itishisway,isn'tit?Butitmadesuchadifferencetomethatyoudidn'tdoit.Yousee,reallyandtruly,apartfromthethingsanyonecanpickup(thedressingandtheproperwayofspeaking,andsoon),thedifferencebetweenaladyandaflowergirlisnothowshebehaves,buthowshe'streated.IshallalwaysbeaflowergirltoProfessorHiggins,becausehealwaystreatsmeasaflowergirl,andalwayswill;butIknowIcanbealadytoyou,becauseyoualwaystreatmeasalady,andalwayswill.

MRS.HIGGINS.Pleasedon'tgrindyourteeth,Henry.

PICKERING.Well,thisisreallyveryniceofyou,MissDoolittle.

LIZA.IshouldlikeyoutocallmeEliza,now,ifyouwould.

PICKERING.Thankyou.Eliza,ofcourse.

LIZA.AndIshouldlikeProfessorHigginstocallmeMissDoolittle.

HIGGINS.I'llseeyoudamnedfirst.

MRS.HIGGINS.Henry!Henry!

PICKERING [laughing]Whydon't you slangbackat him?Don't stand it. Itwoulddohima lot ofgood.

LIZA.Ican't.Icouldhavedoneitonce;butnowIcan'tgobacktoit.Lastnight,whenIwaswanderingabout,agirlspoketome;andItriedtogetbackintotheoldwaywithher;butitwasnouse.Youtoldme,youknow,thatwhenachildisbroughttoaforeigncountry,itpicksupthelanguageinafewweeks, and forgets its own.Well, I am a child in your country. I have forgottenmy ownlanguage,andcanspeaknothingbutyours.That'stherealbreak-offwiththecornerofTottenhamCourtRoad.LeavingWimpoleStreetfinishesit.

PICKERING [much alarmed] Oh! but you're coming back to Wimpole Street, aren't you? You'llforgiveHiggins?

HIGGINS [rising]Forgive!Will she, byGeorge!Let her go.Let her find out how she can get onwithoutus.Shewillrelapseintothegutterinthreeweekswithoutmeatherelbow.

Doolittle appears at the centrewindow.With a look of dignified reproach atHiggins, hecomesslowlyandsilentlytohisdaughter,who,withherbacktothewindow,isunconsciousofhisapproach.

PICKERING.He'sincorrigible,Eliza.Youwon'trelapse,willyou?

LIZA.No:Notnow.Neveragain.Ihavelearntmylesson.Idon'tbelieveIcouldutteroneoftheoldsoundsifItried.[Doolittletouchesheronherleftshoulder.Shedropsherwork,losingherself-possessionutterlyatthespectacleofherfather'ssplendor]A—a—a—a—a—ah—ow—ooh!

HIGGINS[withacrowoftriumph]Aha!Justso.A—a—a—a—ahowooh!A—a—a—a—ahowooh!A—a—a—a—ahowooh!Victory!Victory![Hethrowshimselfonthedivan,foldinghisarms,andspraddlingarrogantly].

DOOLITTLE.Canyoublamethegirl?Don't lookatmelike that,Eliza. Itain'tmyfault. I'vecomeintomoney.

LIZA.Youmusthavetouchedamillionairethistime,dad.

DOOLITTLE. Ihave.But I'mdressed something special today. I'mgoing toSt.George's,HanoverSquare.Yourstepmotherisgoingtomarryme.

LIZA[angrily]You'regoingtoletyourselfdowntomarrythatlowcommonwoman!

PICKERING[quietly]Heoughtto,Eliza.[ToDoolittle]Whyhasshechangedhermind?

DOOLITTLE [sadly] Intimidated, Governor. Intimidated. Middle class morality claims its victim.Won'tyouputonyourhat,Liza,andcomeandseemeturnedoff?

LIZA.IftheColonelsaysImust,I—I'll[almostsobbing]I'lldemeanmyself.Andgetinsultedformypains,likeenough.

DOOLITTLE. Don't be afraid: she never comes to words with anyone now, poor woman!respectabilityhasbrokeallthespiritoutofher.

PICKERING[squeezingEliza'selbowgently]Bekindtothem,Eliza.Makethebestofit.

LIZA[forcingalittlesmileforhimthroughhervexation]Ohwell,justtoshowthere'snoillfeeling.I'llbebackinamoment.[Shegoesout].

DOOLITTLE[sittingdownbesidePickering]Ifeeluncommonnervousabouttheceremony,Colonel.Iwishyou'dcomeandseemethroughit.

PICKERING.Butyou'vebeenthroughitbefore,man.YouweremarriedtoEliza'smother.

DOOLITTLE.Whotoldyouthat,Colonel?

PICKERING.Well,nobodytoldme.ButIconcludednaturally—

DOOLITTLE.No: that ain't the natural way, Colonel: it's only themiddle classway.Mywaywasalways the undeserving way. But don't say nothing to Eliza. She don't know: I always had adelicacyabouttellingher.

PICKERING.Quiteright.We'llleaveitso,ifyoudon'tmind.

DOOLITTLE.Andyou'llcometothechurch,Colonel,andputmethroughstraight?

PICKERING.Withpleasure.Asfarasabachelorcan.

MRS.HIGGINS.MayIcome,Mr.Doolittle?Ishouldbeverysorrytomissyourwedding.

DOOLITTLE.Ishouldindeedbehonoredbyyourcondescension,ma'am;andmypooroldwomanwouldtake itasa tremenjouscompliment.She'sbeenvery low, thinkingof thehappydays thatarenomore.

MRS.HIGGINS[rising]I'llorderthecarriageandgetready.[Themenrise,exceptHiggins].Ishan'tbemorethanfifteenminutes.[AsshegoestothedoorElizacomesin,hattedandbuttoninghergloves]. I'mgoing to the church to seeyour fathermarried,Eliza.Youhadbetter come in thebroughamwithme.ColonelPickeringcangoonwiththebridegroom.

Mrs.Higginsgoesout.Elizacomestothemiddleoftheroombetweenthecentrewindowandtheottoman.Pickeringjoinsher.

DOOLITTLE.Bridegroom!Whataword!Itmakesamanrealizehisposition,somehow.[Hetakesuphishatandgoestowardsthedoor].

PICKERING.BeforeIgo,Eliza,doforgivehimandcomebacktous.

LIZA.Idon'tthinkpapawouldallowme.Wouldyou,dad?

DOOLITTLE[sadbutmagnanimous]Theyplayedyouoffverycunning,Eliza,themtwosportsmen.Ifithadbeenonlyoneofthem,youcouldhavenailedhim.Butyousee,therewastwo;andoneofthemchaperonedtheother,asyoumightsay.[ToPickering]Itwasartfulofyou,Colonel;butIbearnomalice:Ishouldhavedonethesamemyself.Ibeenthevictimofonewomanafteranotherallmylife;andIdon'tgrudgeyoutwogettingthebetterofEliza.Ishan'tinterfere.It'stimeforustogo,Colonel.Solong,Henry.SeeyouinSt.George's,Eliza.[Hegoesout].

PICKERING[coaxing]Dostaywithus,Eliza.[HefollowsDoolittle].

Eliza goes out on the balcony to avoid being alonewithHiggins.He rises and joins herthere. She immediately comes back into the room andmakes for the door; but he goesalongthebalconyquicklyandgetshisbacktothedoorbeforeshereachesit.

HIGGINS.Well,Eliza,you'vehadabitofyourownback,asyoucallit.Haveyouhadenough?andareyougoingtobereasonable?Ordoyouwantanymore?

LIZA.Youwantmebackonlytopickupyourslippersandputupwithyour tempersandfetchandcarryforyou.

HIGGINS.Ihaven'tsaidIwantedyoubackatall.

LIZA.Oh,indeed.Thenwhatarewetalkingabout?

HIGGINS.Aboutyou,notaboutme.IfyoucomebackIshalltreatyoujustasIhavealwaystreatedyou.Ican'tchangemynature;andIdon'tintendtochangemymanners.MymannersareexactlythesameasColonelPickering's.

LIZA.That'snottrue.Hetreatsaflowergirlasifshewasaduchess.

HIGGINS.AndItreataduchessasifshewasaflowergirl.

LIZA.Isee.[Sheturnsawaycomposedly,andsitsontheottoman,facingthewindow].Thesametoeverybody.

HIGGINS.Justso.

LIZA.Likefather.

HIGGINS [grinning, a little takendown]Without accepting the comparison at all points,Eliza, it'squitetruethatyourfatherisnotasnob,andthathewillbequiteathomeinanystationoflifetowhichhiseccentricdestinymaycallhim. [Seriously]Thegreatsecret,Eliza, isnothavingbadmannersorgoodmannersoranyotherparticularsortofmanners,buthavingthesamemanner

forallhumansouls:inshort,behavingasifyouwereinHeaven,wheretherearenothird-classcarriages,andonesoulisasgoodasanother.

LIZA.Amen.Youareabornpreacher.

HIGGINS[irritated]Thequestion isnotwhetherI treatyourudely,butwhetheryoueverheardmetreatanyoneelsebetter.

LIZA[withsuddensincerity]Idon'tcarehowyoutreatme.Idon'tmindyourswearingatme.Idon'tmindablackeye: I'vehadonebefore this.But [standingupand facinghim] Iwon't bepassedover.

HIGGINS.Thengetoutofmyway;forIwon'tstopforyou.YoutalkaboutmeasifIwereamotorbus.

LIZA.So you are amotor bus: all bounce and go, and no consideration for anyone.But I can dowithoutyou:don'tthinkIcan't.

HIGGINS.Iknowyoucan.Itoldyouyoucould.

LIZA[wounded,gettingawayfromhimtotheothersideoftheottomanwithherfacetothehearth]Iknowyoudid,youbrute.Youwantedtogetridofme.

HIGGINS.Liar.

LIZA.Thankyou.[Shesitsdownwithdignity].

HIGGINS.Youneveraskedyourself,Isuppose,whetherIcoulddowithoutYOU.

LIZA[earnestly]Don'tyoutrytogetroundme.You'llHAVEtodowithoutme.

HIGGINS[arrogant]Icandowithoutanybody.Ihavemyownsoul:myownsparkofdivinefire.But[with sudden humility] I shallmiss you, Eliza. [He sits down near her on the ottoman]. I havelearnt something from your idiotic notions: I confess that humbly and gratefully. And I havegrownaccustomedtoyourvoiceandappearance.Ilikethem,rather.

LIZA.Well,youhavebothofthemonyourgramophoneandinyourbookofphotographs.Whenyoufeellonelywithoutme,youcanturnthemachineon.It'sgotnofeelingstohurt.

HIGGINS.Ican'tturnyoursoulon.Leavemethosefeelings;andyoucantakeawaythevoiceandtheface.Theyarenotyou.

LIZA.Oh,youAREadevil.Youcantwisttheheartinagirlaseasyassomecouldtwistherarmstohurther.Mrs.Pearcewarnedme.Timeandagainshehaswantedtoleaveyou;andyoualwaysgotroundheratthelastminute.Andyoudon'tcareabitforher.Andyoudon'tcareabitforme.

HIGGINS.Icareforlife,forhumanity;andyouareapartofitthathascomemywayandbeenbuiltintomyhouse.Whatmorecanyouoranyoneask?

LIZA.Iwon'tcareforanybodythatdoesn'tcareforme.

HIGGINS.Commercialprinciples,Eliza.Like [reproducingherCoventGardenpronunciationwithprofessionalexactness]s'yollinvoylets[sellingviolets],isn'tit?

LIZA.Don'tsneeratme.It'smeantosneeratme.

HIGGINS. I have never sneered inmy life. Sneering doesn't become either the human face or thehumansoul.IamexpressingmyrighteouscontemptforCommercialism.Idon'tandwon'ttradeinaffection.Youcallmeabrutebecauseyoucouldn'tbuyaclaimonmebyfetchingmyslippersand finding my spectacles. You were a fool: I think a woman fetching a man's slippers is adisgustingsight:didIeverfetchYOURslippers?Ithinkagooddealmoreofyouforthrowingtheminmyface.Nouseslavingformeandthensayingyouwanttobecaredfor:whocaresforaslave?Ifyoucomeback,comebackforthesakeofgoodfellowship;foryou'llgetnothingelse.You'vehada thousandtimesasmuchoutofmeasIhaveoutofyou;andifyoudare tosetupyourlittledog'stricksoffetchingandcarryingslippersagainstmycreationofaDuchessEliza,I'llslamthedoorinyoursillyface.

LIZA.Whatdidyoudoitforifyoudidn'tcareforme?

HIGGINS[heartily]Why,becauseitwasmyjob.

LIZA.Youneverthoughtofthetroubleitwouldmakeforme.

HIGGINS.Would theworld everhavebeenmade if itsmakerhadbeen afraidofmaking trouble?Makinglifemeansmakingtrouble.There'sonlyonewayofescapingtrouble;andthat'skillingthings.Cowards,younotice,arealwaysshriekingtohavetroublesomepeoplekilled.

LIZA.I'mnopreacher:Idon'tnoticethingslikethat.Inoticethatyoudon'tnoticeme.

HIGGINS[jumpingupandwalkingaboutintolerantly]Eliza:you'reanidiot.IwastethetreasuresofmyMiltonicmindbyspreadingthembeforeyou.Onceforall,understandthatIgomywayanddomyworkwithoutcaringtwopencewhathappenstoeitherofus.Iamnotintimidated,likeyourfatherandyourstepmother.Soyoucancomebackorgotothedevil:whichyouplease.

LIZA.WhatamItocomebackfor?

HIGGINS [bouncing up on his knees on the ottoman and leaning over it to her] For the fun of it.That'swhyItookyouon.

LIZA[withavertedface]AndyoumaythrowmeouttomorrowifIdon'tdoeverythingyouwantmeto?

HIGGINS.Yes;andyoumaywalkouttomorrowifIdon'tdoeverythingYOUwantmeto.

LIZA.Andlivewithmystepmother?

HIGGINS.Yes,orsellflowers.

LIZA.Oh!ifIonlyCOULDgobacktomyflowerbasket!Ishouldbeindependentofbothyouandfatherandalltheworld!Whydidyoutakemyindependencefromme?WhydidIgiveitup?I'maslavenow,forallmyfineclothes.

HIGGINS.Notabit.I'lladoptyouasmydaughterandsettlemoneyonyouifyoulike.OrwouldyourathermarryPickering?

LIZA[lookingfiercelyroundathim]Iwouldn'tmarryYOUifyouaskedme;andyou'renearermyagethanwhatheis.

HIGGINS[gently]Thanheis:not"thanwhatheis."

LIZA[losinghertemperandrising]I'lltalkasIlike.You'renotmyteachernow.

HIGGINS[reflectively]Idon'tsupposePickeringwould,though.He'sasconfirmedanoldbachelorasIam.

LIZA.That'snotwhat Iwant;anddon'tyou think it. I'vealwayshadchapsenoughwantingme thatway.FreddyHillwritestometwiceandthreetimesaday,sheetsandsheets.

HIGGINS[disagreeablysurprised]Damnhisimpudence![Herecoilsandfindshimselfsittingonhisheels].

LIZA.Hehasarighttoifhelikes,poorlad.Andhedoesloveme.

HIGGINS[gettingofftheottoman]Youhavenorighttoencouragehim.

LIZA.Everygirlhasarighttobeloved.

HIGGINS.What!Byfoolslikethat?

LIZA.Freddy'snotafool.Andifhe'sweakandpoorandwantsme,maybehe'dmakemehappierthanmybettersthatbullymeanddon'twantme.

HIGGINS.CanheMAKEanythingofyou?That'sthepoint.

LIZA.Perhaps I couldmake somethingof him.But I never thought of usmaking anythingof oneanother;andyouneverthinkofanythingelse.Ionlywanttobenatural.

HIGGINS.Inshort,youwantmetobeasinfatuatedaboutyouasFreddy?Isthatit?

LIZA.NoIdon't.That'snotthesortoffeelingIwantfromyou.Anddon'tyoubetoosureofyourselforofme.IcouldhavebeenabadgirlifI'dliked.I'veseenmoreofsomethingsthanyou,forallyourlearning.Girls likemecandraggentlemendowntomakelovetothemeasyenough.Andtheywisheachotherdeadthenextminute.

HIGGINS.Ofcoursetheydo.Thenwhatinthunderarewequarrellingabout?

LIZA[muchtroubled]Iwantalittlekindness.IknowI'macommonignorantgirl,andyouabook-

learnedgentleman;butI'mnotdirtunderyourfeet.WhatIdone[correctingherself]whatIdidwasnotforthedressesandthetaxis:IdiditbecausewewerepleasanttogetherandIcome—came—tocareforyou;nottowantyoutomakelovetome,andnotforgettingthedifferencebetweenus,butmorefriendlylike.

HIGGINS.Well,ofcourse.That'sjusthowIfeel.AndhowPickeringfeels.Eliza:you'reafool.

LIZA.That'snotaproperanswertogiveme[shesinksonthechairatthewriting-tableintears].

HIGGINS.It'sallyou'llgetuntilyoustopbeingacommonidiot.Ifyou'regoingtobealady,you'llhavetogiveupfeelingneglectedifthemenyouknowdon'tspendhalftheirtimesnivellingoveryouandtheotherhalfgivingyoublackeyes.Ifyoucan'tstandthecoldnessofmysortoflife,andthestrainofit,gobacktothegutter.Worktilyouaremoreabrutethanahumanbeing;andthencuddleandsquabbleanddrinktilyoufallasleep.Oh,it'safinelife,thelifeofthegutter.It'sreal:it'swarm:it'sviolent:youcanfeelitthroughthethickestskin:youcantasteitandsmellitwithoutanytrainingoranywork.NotlikeScienceandLiteratureandClassicalMusicandPhilosophyandArt.You findme cold, unfeeling, selfish, don't you?Verywell: be offwith you to the sort ofpeopleyoulike.Marrysomesentimentalhogorotherwithlotsofmoney,andathickpairoflipstokissyouwithandathickpairofbootstokickyouwith.Ifyoucan'tappreciatewhatyou'vegot,you'dbettergetwhatyoucanappreciate.

LIZA[desperate]Oh,youareacruel tyrant.Ican't talktoyou:youturneverythingagainstme:I'malways in thewrong.But youknowverywell all the time that you're nothingbut a bully.YouknowIcan'tgobacktothegutter,asyoucallit,andthatIhavenorealfriendsintheworldbutyouand theColonel.Youknowwell Icouldn'tbear to livewitha lowcommonmanafteryoutwo;andit'swickedandcruelofyoutoinsultmebypretendingIcould.YouthinkImustgobacktoWimpoleStreetbecauseIhavenowhereelsetogobutfather's.Butdon'tyoubetoosurethatyouhavemeunderyourfeettobetrampledonandtalkeddown.I'llmarryFreddy,Iwill,assoonashe'sabletosupportme.

HIGGINS [sittingdownbesideher]Rubbish! you shallmarry an ambassador.You shallmarry theGovernor-GeneralofIndiaortheLord-LieutenantofIreland,orsomebodywhowantsadeputy-queen.I'mnotgoingtohavemymasterpiecethrownawayonFreddy.

LIZA.YouthinkIlikeyoutosaythat.ButIhaven'tforgotwhatyousaidaminuteago;andIwon'tbecoaxedroundasifIwasababyorapuppy.IfIcan'thavekindness,I'llhaveindependence.

HIGGINS.Independence?That'smiddleclassblasphemy.Wearealldependentononeanother,everysoulofusonearth.

LIZA [risingdeterminedly] I'll let you seewhether I'mdependent onyou. If you canpreach, I canteach.I'llgoandbeateacher.

HIGGINS.What'llyouteach,inheaven'sname?

LIZA.Whatyoutaughtme.I'llteachphonetics.

HIGGINS.Ha!Ha!Ha!

LIZA.I'lloffermyselfasanassistanttoProfessorNepean.

HIGGINS[risinginafury]What!Thatimpostor!thathumbug!thattoadyingignoramus!Teachhimmymethods!mydiscoveries!YoutakeonestepinhisdirectionandI'llwringyourneck.[Helayshandsonher].Doyouhear?

LIZA[defiantlynon-resistant]Wringaway.WhatdoIcare?Iknewyou'dstrikemesomeday.[Heletshergo, stampingwith rageathaving forgottenhimself, and recoils sohastily thathe stumblesbackintohisseatontheottoman].Aha!NowIknowhowtodealwithyou.WhatafoolIwasnottothinkofitbefore!Youcan'ttakeawaytheknowledgeyougaveme.YousaidIhadafinerearthanyou.AndIcanbecivilandkindtopeople,whichismorethanyoucan.Aha!That'sdoneyou,HenryHiggins,ithas.NowIdon'tcarethat[snappingherfingers]foryourbullyingandyourbigtalk.I'lladvertizeitinthepapersthatyourduchessisonlyaflowergirlthatyoutaught,andthatshe'llteachanybodytobeaduchessjustthesameinsixmonthsforathousandguineas.Oh,whenIthinkofmyselfcrawlingunderyourfeetandbeingtrampledonandcallednames,whenallthetimeIhadonlytoliftupmyfingertobeasgoodasyou,Icouldjustkickmyself.

HIGGINS [wonderingather]Youdamned impudent slut,you!But it'sbetter than snivelling;betterthanfetchingslippersandfindingspectacles,isn'tit?[Rising]ByGeorge,Eliza,IsaidI'dmakeawomanofyou;andIhave.Ilikeyoulikethis.

LIZA.Yes:youturnroundandmakeuptomenowthatI'mnotafraidofyou,andcandowithoutyou.

HIGGINS.OfcourseIdo,youlittlefool.Fiveminutesagoyouwerelikeamillstoneroundmyneck.Nowyou'rea towerofstrength:aconsortbattleship.YouandIandPickeringwillbe threeoldbachelorstogetherinsteadofonlytwomenandasillygirl.

Mrs.Higginsreturns,dressedforthewedding.Elizainstantlybecomescoolandelegant.

MRS.HIGGINS.Thecarriageiswaiting,Eliza.Areyouready?

LIZA.Quite.IstheProfessorcoming?

MRS.HIGGINS.Certainlynot.Hecan'tbehavehimselfinchurch.Hemakesremarksoutloudallthetimeontheclergyman'spronunciation.

LIZA.ThenIshallnotseeyouagain,Professor.Goodbye.[Shegoestothedoor].

MRS.HIGGINS[comingtoHiggins]Good-bye,dear.

HIGGINS.Good-bye,mother.[Heisabouttokissher,whenherecollectssomething].Oh,bytheway,Eliza,orderahamandaStiltoncheese,willyou?Andbuymeapairofreindeergloves,numbereights,anda tie tomatch thatnewsuitofmine,atEale&Binman's.Youcanchoose thecolor.[Hischeerful,careless,vigorousvoiceshowsthatheisincorrigible].

LIZA[disdainfully]Buythemyourself.[Shesweepsout].

MRS.HIGGINS.I'mafraidyou'vespoiledthatgirl,Henry.Butnevermind,dear:I'llbuyyouthetieandgloves.

HIGGINS[sunnily]Oh,don'tbother.She'llbuyemallrightenough.Good-bye.

They kiss. Mrs. Higgins runs out. Higgins, left alone, rattles his cash in his pocket;chuckles;anddisportshimselfinahighlyself-satisfiedmanner.

The rest of the story need not be shown in action, and indeed,would hardly needtelling if our imaginations were not so enfeebled by their lazy dependence on theready-makesandreach-me-downsoftheragshopinwhichRomancekeepsitsstockof"happyendings"tomisfitallstories.Now,thehistoryofElizaDoolittle,thoughcalledaromance because of the transfiguration it records seems exceedingly improbable, iscommonenough.SuchtransfigurationshavebeenachievedbyhundredsofresolutelyambitiousyoungwomensinceNellGwynneset them theexamplebyplayingqueensand fascinating kings in the theatre in which she began by selling oranges.Nevertheless,peopleinalldirectionshaveassumed,fornootherreasonthanthatshebecame the heroine of a romance, that shemust havemarried the hero of it.This isunbearable, not only because her little drama, if acted on such a thoughtlessassumption,must be spoiled, but because the true sequel is patent to anyonewith asenseofhumannatureingeneral,andoffeminineinstinctinparticular.

Eliza,intellingHigginsshewouldnotmarryhimifheaskedher,wasnotcoquetting:she was announcing a well-considered decision. When a bachelor interests, anddominates,andteaches,andbecomesimportanttoaspinster,asHigginswithEliza,shealways,ifshehascharacterenoughtobecapableofit,considersveryseriouslyindeedwhether she will play for becoming that bachelor's wife, especially if he is so littleinterestedinmarriagethatadeterminedanddevotedwomanmightcapturehimifshesetherselfresolutelytodoit.Herdecisionwilldependagooddealonwhethersheisreallyfreetochoose;andthat,again,willdependonherageandincome.Ifsheisattheendofheryouth,andhasnosecurityforherlivelihood,shewillmarryhimbecauseshemustmarry anybodywhowill provide for her.But atEliza's age agood-lookinggirl does not feel that pressure; she feels free to pick and choose. She is thereforeguidedby her instinct in thematter.Eliza's instinct tells her not tomarryHiggins. Itdoesnottellhertogivehimup.Itisnotintheslightestdoubtastohisremainingoneofthestrongestpersonalinterestsinherlife.Itwouldbeverysorelystrainediftherewas anotherwoman likely to supplant herwithhim.But as she feels sureof himonthatlastpoint,shehasnodoubtatallastohercourse,andwouldnothaveany,evenifthe difference of twenty years in age, which seems so great to youth, did not existbetweenthem.

Asourown instincts are not appealed tobyher conclusion, let us seewhetherwecannot discover some reason in it.WhenHiggins excused his indifference to youngwomenonthegroundthattheyhadanirresistiblerivalinhismother,hegavetheclueto his inveterate old-bachelordom. The case is uncommon only to the extent thatremarkable mothers are uncommon. If an imaginative boy has a sufficiently richmotherwho has intelligence, personal grace, dignity of characterwithout harshness,and a cultivated sense of the best art of her time to enable her to make her housebeautiful, she sets a standard for him against which very few women can struggle,besideseffectingforhimadisengagementofhisaffections,hissenseofbeauty,andhisidealismfromhisspecificallysexualimpulses.Thismakeshimastandingpuzzletothehugenumberofuncultivatedpeoplewhohavebeenbroughtupintastelesshomesbycommonplaceordisagreeableparents,andtowhom,consequently,literature,painting,sculpture,music,andaffectionatepersonalrelationscomeasmodesofsexiftheycomeat all. Theword passionmeans nothing else to them; and thatHiggins could have apassion for phonetics and idealize his mother instead of Eliza, would seem to themabsurdandunnatural.Nevertheless,whenwelookroundandseethathardlyanyoneistoo ugly or disagreeable to find a wife or a husband if he or shewants one, whilstmanyoldmaidsandbachelorsareabovetheaverageinqualityandculture,wecannothelpsuspectingthat thedisentanglementofsexfromtheassociationswithwhichit isso commonly confused, a disentanglementwhichpersonsof genius achieveby sheerintellectualanalysis,issometimesproducedoraidedbyparentalfascination.

Now, thoughElizawas incapableof thusexplaining toherselfHiggins's formidablepowersof resistance to the charm that prostratedFreddy at the first glance, shewasinstinctively aware that she could never obtain a complete grip of him, or comebetween him and his mother (the first necessity of the married woman). To put itshortly,sheknewthatforsomemysteriousreasonhehadnotthemakingsofamarriedmaninhim,accordingtoherconceptionofahusbandasonetowhomshewouldbehisnearest and fondest andwarmest interest. Even had there been nomother-rival, shewould still have refused to accept an interest in herself that was secondary tophilosophic interests.HadMrs.Higginsdied, therewould still havebeenMilton andtheUniversalAlphabet.Landor'sremarkthattothosewhohavethegreatestpowerofloving, love isasecondaryaffair,wouldnothaverecommendedLandor toEliza.Putthatalongwithher resentmentofHiggins'sdomineeringsuperiority,andhermistrustof his coaxing cleverness in getting round her and evading her wrath when he hadgonetoofarwithhisimpetuousbullying,andyouwillseethatEliza'sinstincthadgoodgroundsforwarninghernottomarryherPygmalion.

Andnow,whomdidElizamarry?ForifHigginswasapredestinateoldbachelor,shewasmostcertainlynotapredestinateoldmaid.Well, thatcanbe toldveryshortly to

thosewhohavenotguesseditfromtheindicationsshehasherselfgiventhem.

Almost immediately after Eliza is stung into proclaiming her considereddetermination not tomarryHiggins, shementions the fact that youngMr. FrederickEynsfordHill is pouring out his love for her daily through the post. Now Freddy isyoung,practically twentyyearsyounger thanHiggins:he isagentleman(or,asElizawouldqualifyhim,atoff),andspeakslikeone;heisnicelydressed,is treatedbytheColonel as anequal, lovesherunaffectedly, and isnothermaster, nor ever likely todominate her in spite of his advantage of social standing. Eliza has no use for thefoolish romantic tradition that allwomen love to bemastered, if not actually bulliedand beaten. "When you go to women," says Nietzsche, "take your whip with you."Sensibledespotshaveneverconfinedthatprecautiontowomen:theyhavetakentheirwhipswith themwhentheyhavedealtwithmen,andbeenslavishly idealizedbythemenoverwhomtheyhaveflourishedthewhipmuchmorethanbywomen.Nodoubtthere are slavishwomenaswell as slavishmen; andwomen, likemen, admire thosethatarestrongerthanthemselves.Buttoadmireastrongpersonandtoliveunderthatstrong person's thumb are two different things. The weak may not be admired andhero-worshipped;buttheyarebynomeansdislikedorshunned;andtheyneverseemtohave the leastdifficulty inmarryingpeoplewhoare toogoodfor them.Theymayfailinemergencies;butlifeisnotonelongemergency:itismostlyastringofsituationsforwhichnoexceptionalstrengthisneeded,andwithwhichevenratherweakpeoplecan cope if they have a stronger partner to help them out.Accordingly, it is a trutheverywhere in evidence that strong people, masculine or feminine, not only do notmarry stronger people, but do not show any preference for them in selecting theirfriends.Whena lionmeetsanotherwitha louder roar "the first lion thinks the last abore." The man or woman who feels strong enough for two, seeks for every otherqualityinapartnerthanstrength.

The converse is also true.Weak people want to marry strong people who do notfrighten them toomuch; and this often leads them tomake themistakewe describemetaphoricallyas"bitingoffmore than theycanchew."Theywant toomuchfor toolittle; and when the bargain is unreasonable beyond all bearing, the union becomesimpossible: it ends in the weaker party being either discarded or borne as a cross,whichisworse.Peoplewhoarenotonlyweak,butsillyorobtuseaswell,areofteninthesedifficulties.

This being the state of human affairs, what is Eliza fairly sure to do when she isplaced betweenFreddy andHiggins?Will she look forward to a lifetime of fetchingHiggins'sslippersortoalifetimeofFreddyfetchinghers?Therecanbenodoubtaboutthe answer. Unless Freddy is biologically repulsive to her, and Higgins biologicallyattractive to adegree that overwhelms all her other instincts, shewill, if shemarries

eitherofthem,marryFreddy.

AndthatisjustwhatElizadid.

Complicationsensued;buttheywereeconomic,notromantic.Freddyhadnomoneyandnooccupation.Hismother'sjointure,alastrelicoftheopulenceofLargeladyPark,had enabled her to struggle along in Earlscourt with an air of gentility, but not toprocure any serious secondary education for her children, much less give the boy aprofession. A clerkship at thirty shillings a week was beneath Freddy's dignity, andextremelydistastefultohimbesides.Hisprospectsconsistedofahopethatifhekeptup appearances somebody would do something for him. The something appearedvaguelytohisimaginationasaprivatesecretaryshiporasinecureofsomesort.Tohismotheritperhapsappearedasamarriagetosomeladyofmeanswhocouldnotresistherboy'sniceness.Fancyherfeelingswhenhemarriedaflowergirlwhohadbecomedeclasseeunderextraordinarycircumstanceswhichwerenownotorious!

It is true that Eliza's situation did not seem wholly ineligible. Her father, thoughformerlyadustman,andnowfantasticallydisclassed,hadbecomeextremelypopularinthesmartestsocietybyasocialtalentwhichtriumphedovereveryprejudiceandeverydisadvantage.Rejectedbythemiddleclass,whichheloathed,hehadshotupatonceintothehighestcirclesbyhiswit,hisdustmanship(whichhecarriedlikeabanner),andhisNietzscheantranscendenceofgoodandevil.Atintimateducaldinnershesatontheright hand of theDuchess; and in country houses he smoked in the pantry andwasmademuch of by the butlerwhen hewas not feeding in the dining-room and beingconsulted by cabinetministers.But he found it almost as hard to do all this on fourthousand a year asMrs.EynsfordHill to live inEarlscourt on an income so pitiablysmaller that Ihavenot theheart todisclose itsexact figure.Heabsolutelyrefused toaddthelaststrawtohisburdenbycontributingtoEliza'ssupport.

Thus Freddy and Eliza, now Mr. and Mrs. Eynsford Hill, would have spent apenniless honeymoon but for awedding present of 500 pounds from theColonel toEliza. It lasteda longtimebecauseFreddydidnotknowhowtospendmoney,neverhavinghadany to spend, andEliza, socially trainedbyapairofoldbachelors,woreherclothesaslongastheyheldtogetherandlookedpretty,withouttheleastregardtotheir being many months out of fashion. Still, 500 pounds will not last two youngpeople for ever; and they both knew, andEliza felt aswell, that theymust shift forthemselves in the end. She could quarter herself onWimpole Street because it hadcome tobeherhome;but shewasquite aware that sheoughtnot toquarterFreddythere,andthatitwouldnotbegoodforhischaracterifshedid.

NotthattheWimpoleStreetbachelorsobjected.Whensheconsultedthem,Higgins

declinedtobebotheredaboutherhousingproblemwhenthatsolutionwassosimple.Eliza'sdesiretohaveFreddyinthehousewithherseemedofnomoreimportancethanifshehadwantedanextrapieceofbedroomfurniture.PleasastoFreddy'scharacter,and the moral obligation on him to earn his own living, were lost on Higgins. Hedenied that Freddy had any character, and declared that if he tried to do any usefulwork some competent person would have the trouble of undoing it: a procedureinvolvinganet loss to thecommunity,andgreatunhappiness toFreddyhimself,whowasobviouslyintendedbyNatureforsuchlightworkasamusingEliza,which,Higginsdeclared,wasamuchmoreusefulandhonorableoccupationthanworkinginthecity.WhenElizareferredagaintoherprojectofteachingphonetics,Higginsabatednotajotofhisviolentoppositiontoit.Hesaidshewasnotwithintenyearsofbeingqualifiedtomeddlewithhispet subject; andas itwasevident that theColonel agreedwithhim,shefeltshecouldnotgoagainsttheminthisgravematter,andthatshehadnoright,without Higgins's consent, to exploit the knowledge he had given her; for hisknowledge seemed to her as much his private property as his watch: Eliza was nocommunist.Besides, shewassuperstitiouslydevoted to themboth,moreentirelyandfranklyafterhermarriagethanbeforeit.

It was the Colonel who finally solved the problem, which had cost him muchperplexed cogitation. He one day asked Eliza, rather shyly, whether she had quitegivenuphernotionofkeepingaflowershop.Shereplied thatshehad thoughtof it,buthadputitoutofherhead,becausetheColonelhadsaid,thatdayatMrs.Higgins's,thatitwouldneverdo.TheColonelconfessedthatwhenhesaidthat,hehadnotquiterecovered from the dazzling impression of the day before.They broke thematter toHiggins that evening. The sole comment vouchsafed by him very nearly led to aseriousquarrelwithEliza.ItwastotheeffectthatshewouldhaveinFreddyanidealerrandboy.

Freddyhimselfwasnextsoundedonthesubject.Hesaidhehadbeenthinkingofashop himself; though it had presented itself to his pennilessness as a small place inwhich Eliza should sell tobacco at one counter whilst he sold newspapers at theopposite one. But he agreed that it would be extraordinarily jolly to go early everymorning with Eliza to Covent Garden and buy flowers on the scene of their firstmeeting:asentimentwhichearnedhimmanykisses fromhiswife.Headded thathehadalwaysbeenafraidtoproposeanythingofthesort,becauseClarawouldmakeanawful row about a step that must damage her matrimonial chances, and his mothercould not be expected to like it after clinging for somany years to that step of thesocialladderonwhichretailtradeisimpossible.

This difficulty was removed by an event highly unexpected by Freddy's mother.Clara,inthecourseofherincursionsintothoseartisticcircleswhichwerethehighest

within her reach, discovered that her conversational qualifications were expected toinclude a grounding in the novels ofMr.H.G.Wells. She borrowed them in variousdirectionssoenergetically thatsheswallowedthemallwithin twomonths.Theresultwasaconversionofakindquitecommontoday.AmodernActsoftheApostleswouldfillfiftywholeBiblesifanyonewerecapableofwritingit.

PoorClara,whoappearedtoHigginsandhismotherasadisagreeableandridiculousperson,andtoherownmotherasinsomeinexplicablewayasocialfailure,hadneverseenherselfineitherlight;for,thoughtosomeextentridiculedandmimickedinWestKensingtonlikeeverybodyelse there,shewasacceptedasarationalandnormal—orshallwe say inevitable?—sortofhumanbeing.Atworst theycalledherThePusher;buttothemnomorethantoherselfhaditeveroccurredthatshewaspushingtheair,and pushing it in a wrong direction. Still, she was not happy. She was growingdesperate.Her one asset, the fact that hermotherwaswhat the Epsom greengrocercalled a carriage ladyhadno exchangevalue, apparently. It hadpreventedher fromgetting educated, because theonly education she couldhave affordedwas educationwith theEarlscourt greengrocer's daughter. It had ledher to seek the societyof hermother'sclass;andthatclasssimplywouldnothaveher,becauseshewasmuchpoorerthanthegreengrocer,and,farfrombeingabletoaffordamaid,couldnotaffordevenahousemaid,andhadtoscrapealongathomewithanilliberallytreatedgeneralservant.UndersuchcircumstancesnothingcouldgiveheranairofbeingagenuineproductofLargeladyPark.Andyet its traditionmadeherregardamarriagewithanyonewithinherreachasanunbearablehumiliation.Commercialpeopleandprofessionalpeopleinasmallwaywereodious toher.She ranafterpaintersandnovelists;but shedidnotcharm them; and her bold attempts to pick up and practise artistic and literary talkirritatedthem.Shewas,inshort,anutterfailure,anignorant,incompetent,pretentious,unwelcome, penniless, useless little snob; and though she did not admit thesedisqualifications (for nobody ever faces unpleasant truths of this kind until thepossibilityofawayoutdawnsonthem)shefelttheireffectstookeenlytobesatisfiedwithherposition.

Clarahadastartlingeyeopenerwhen,onbeingsuddenlywakenedtoenthusiasmbyagirlofherownagewhodazzledherandproducedinheragushingdesiretotakeherforamodel,andgainherfriendship,shediscoveredthatthisexquisiteapparitionhadgraduatedfromthegutter inafewmonths' time.Itshookhersoviolently, thatwhenMr.H.G.Wellsliftedheronthepointofhispuissantpen,andplacedherattheangleof view from which the life she was leading and the society to which she clungappeared in its true relation to real human needs and worthy social structure, heeffectedaconversionandaconvictionofsincomparabletothemostsensationalfeatsofGeneralBoothorGypsySmith.Clara'ssnobberywentbang.Lifesuddenlybegantomovewithher.Withoutknowinghoworwhy,shebegantomakefriendsandenemies.Someoftheacquaintancestowhomshehadbeenatediousorindifferentorridiculousaffliction,droppedher:othersbecamecordial.Toheramazementshefoundthatsome"quitenice"peopleweresaturatedwithWells,and that thisaccessibility to ideaswasthesecretof theirniceness.Peopleshehadthoughtdeeplyreligious,andhadtriedtoconciliate on that tack with disastrous results, suddenly took an interest in her, andrevealed a hostility to conventional religionwhich she had never conceived possibleexcept among the most desperate characters. They made her read Galsworthy; andGalsworthyexposedthevanityofLargeladyParkandfinishedher.Itexasperatedhertothinkthatthedungeoninwhichshehadlanguishedforsomanyunhappyyearshadbeenunlockedall the time,and that the impulsesshehadsocarefullystruggledwithand stifled for the sake of keepingwellwith society,were precisely those bywhichaloneshecouldhavecomeintoanysortofsincerehumancontact.Intheradianceofthesediscoveries,andthetumultoftheirreaction,shemadeafoolofherselfasfreelyand conspicuously aswhen she so rashly adopted Eliza's expletive inMrs.Higgins'sdrawing-room; for the new-born Wellsian had to find her bearings almost asridiculouslyasababy;butnobodyhatesababyforitsineptitudes,orthinkstheworseof it for trying to eat the matches; and Clara lost no friends by her follies. Theylaughedather toherface this time;andshehadtodefendherselfandfight itoutasbestshecould.

WhenFreddypaidavisittoEarlscourt(whichheneverdidwhenhecouldpossiblyhelp it) tomake thedesolating announcement that he andhisElizawere thinkingofblackening theLargeladyscutcheonbyopeningashop,he found the littlehouseholdalreadyconvulsedbyapriorannouncementfromClarathatshealsowasgoingtoworkinanoldfurnitureshopinDoverStreet,whichhadbeenstartedbyafellowWellsian.ThisappointmentClaraowed,afterall,toheroldsocialaccomplishmentofPush.Shehadmadeuphermindthat,costwhat itmight,shewouldseeMr.Wells in theflesh;andshehadachievedherendatagardenparty.Shehadbetter luck thanso rashanenterprisedeserved.Mr.Wellscameuptoherexpectations.Agehadnotwitheredhim,

nor could custom stale his infinite variety in half an hour.His pleasant neatness andcompactness, his small hands and feet, his teeming ready brain, his unaffectedaccessibility, and a certain fine apprehensiveness which stamped him as susceptiblefrom his topmost hair to his tipmost toe, proved irresistible. Clara talked of nothingelseforweeksandweeksafterwards.Andasshehappenedto talk to the ladyof thefurnitureshop,andthat ladyalsodesiredaboveall thingstoknowMr.Wellsandsellpretty things to him, she offered Clara a job on the chance of achieving that endthroughher.

AndsoitcameaboutthatEliza'sluckheld,andtheexpectedoppositiontotheflowershopmeltedaway.TheshopisinthearcadeofarailwaystationnotveryfarfromtheVictoriaandAlbertMuseum;and ifyou live in thatneighborhoodyoumaygo thereanydayandbuyabuttonholefromEliza.

Nowhereisalastopportunityforromance.Wouldyounotliketobeassuredthattheshop was an immense success, thanks to Eliza's charms and her early businessexperience inCoventGarden?Alas! the truth is the truth: theshopdidnotpayforalong time, simply because Eliza and her Freddy did not know how to keep it. True,Eliza had not to begin at the very beginning: she knew the names and prices of thecheaperflowers;andherelationwasunboundedwhenshefoundthatFreddy,likeallyouthseducatedatcheap,pretentious,andthoroughlyinefficientschools,knewalittleLatin. Itwasvery little, but enough tomakehimappear toher aPorsonorBentley,andtoputhimathiseasewithbotanicalnomenclature.Unfortunatelyheknewnothingelse;andEliza,thoughshecouldcountmoneyuptoeighteenshillingsorso,andhadacquiredacertainfamiliaritywiththelanguageofMiltonfromherstrugglestoqualifyherself forwinningHiggins'sbet,couldnotwriteoutabillwithoututterlydisgracingtheestablishment.Freddy'spowerofstatinginLatinthatBalbusbuiltawallandthatGaul was divided into three parts did not carry with it the slightest knowledge ofaccountsorbusiness:ColonelPickeringhadtoexplaintohimwhatachequebookandabankaccountmeant.Andthepairwerebynomeanseasilyteachable.FreddybackedupElizainherobstinaterefusaltobelievethattheycouldsavemoneybyengagingabookkeeper with some knowledge of the business. How, they argued, could youpossiblysavemoneybygoingtoextraexpensewhenyoualreadycouldnotmakebothendsmeet?But theColonel,aftermaking theendsmeetoverandoveragain,at lastgentlyinsisted;andEliza,humbledtothedustbyhavingtobegfromhimsooften,andstungbytheuproariousderisionofHiggins,towhomthenotionofFreddysucceedingatanythingwasajokethatneverpalled,graspedthefactthatbusiness,likephonetics,hastobelearned.

Onthepiteousspectacleofthepairspendingtheireveningsinshorthandschoolsandpolytechnicclasses,learningbookkeepingandtypewritingwithincipientjuniorclerks,

male and female, from the elementary schools, let me not dwell. There were evenclasses at the London School of Economics, and a humble personal appeal to thedirectorofthatinstitutiontorecommendacoursebearingontheflowerbusiness.He,beingahumorist,explainedtothemthemethodofthecelebratedDickensianessayonChineseMetaphysicsbythegentlemanwhoreadanarticleonChinaandanarticleonMetaphysics and combined the information. He suggested that they should combinetheLondonSchoolwithKewGardens.Eliza,towhomtheprocedureoftheDickensiangentlemanseemedperfectlycorrect(asinfactitwas)andnotintheleastfunny(whichwasonlyherignorance)tookhisadvicewithentiregravity.Buttheeffortthatcostherthe deepest humiliation was a request to Higgins, whose pet artistic fancy, next toMilton'sverse,wascalligraphy,andwhohimselfwroteamostbeautiful Italianhand,thathewould teachher towrite.Hedeclared that shewascongenitally incapableofforming a single letterworthy of the least ofMilton'swords; but she persisted; andagainhe suddenly threwhimself into the taskof teachingherwith a combinationofstormy intensity, concentrated patience, and occasional bursts of interestingdisquisition on the beauty and nobility, the august mission and destiny, of humanhandwriting.Elizaendedbyacquiringanextremelyuncommercialscriptwhichwasapositive extension of her personal beauty, and spending three times as much onstationery as anyone else because certain qualities and shapes of paper becameindispensabletoher.Shecouldnotevenaddressanenvelopeintheusualwaybecauseitmadethemarginsallwrong.

Their commercial schooldayswere aperiodofdisgraceanddespair for theyoungcouple.Theyseemedtobelearningnothingaboutflowershops.Atlasttheygaveitupashopeless,andshookthedustoftheshorthandschools,andthepolytechnics,andtheLondon School of Economics from their feet for ever. Besides, the business was insomemysteriousway beginning to take care of itself. They had somehow forgottentheirobjectionstoemployingotherpeople.Theycametotheconclusionthattheirownway was the best, and that they had really a remarkable talent for business. TheColonel,whohadbeencompelledforsomeyears tokeepasufficientsumoncurrentaccount at his bankers to make up their deficits, found that the provision wasunnecessary:theyoungpeoplewereprospering.Itistruethattherewasnotquitefairplaybetweenthemandtheircompetitorsintrade.Theirweek-endsinthecountrycostthemnothing,andsavedthemthepriceoftheirSundaydinners;forthemotorcarwasthe Colonel's; and he and Higgins paid the hotel bills. Mr. F. Hill, florist andgreengrocer(theysoondiscoveredthattherewasmoneyinasparagus;andasparagusled to other vegetables), had an air which stamped the business as classy; and inprivatelifehewasstillFrederickEynsfordHill,Esquire.Notthattherewasanyswankabout him: nobody but Eliza knew that he had been christened FrederickChalloner.Elizaherselfswankedlikeanything.

That is all. That is how it has turned out. It is astonishing how much Eliza stillmanagestomeddleinthehousekeepingatWimpoleStreetinspiteoftheshopandherown family. And it is notable that though she never nags her husband, and franklyloves theColonel as if shewere his favorite daughter, she has never got out of thehabitofnaggingHigginsthatwasestablishedonthefatalnightwhenshewonhisbetforhim.Shesnapshisheadoffonthefaintestprovocation,oronnone.HenolongerdarestoteaseherbyassuminganabysmalinferiorityofFreddy'smindtohisown.Hestormsandbulliesandderides;butshestandsuptohimsoruthlesslythattheColonelhastoaskherfromtimetotimetobekindertoHiggins;anditistheonlyrequestofhis that brings a mulish expression into her face. Nothing but some emergency orcalamitygreatenoughtobreakdownalllikesanddislikes,andthrowthembothbackon their commonhumanity—andmay theybe spared any such trial!—will ever alterthis.SheknowsthatHigginsdoesnotneedher,justasherfatherdidnotneedher.Theveryscrupulousnesswithwhichhetoldherthatdaythathehadbecomeusedtohavingherthere,anddependentonherforallsortsoflittleservices,andthatheshouldmissher if shewent away (itwouldneverhaveoccurred toFreddyor theColonel to sayanythingofthesort)deepensherinnercertaintythatsheis"nomoretohimthanthemslippers",yetshehasasense,too,thathisindifferenceisdeeperthantheinfatuationofcommonersouls.Sheisimmenselyinterestedinhim.Shehasevensecretmischievousmoments inwhichshewishesshecouldgethimalone,onadesert island,awayfromalltiesandwithnobodyelseintheworldtoconsider,andjustdraghimoffhispedestalandseehimmaking love likeanycommonman.Weallhaveprivate imaginationsofthat sort. But when it comes to business, to the life that she really leads asdistinguished from the life of dreams and fancies, she likesFreddy and she likes theColonel;andshedoesnotlikeHigginsandMr.Doolittle.GalateaneverdoesquitelikePygmalion:hisrelationtoheristoogodliketobealtogetheragreeable.

EndoftheProjectGutenbergEBookofPygmalion,byGeorgeBernardShaw

***ENDOFTHISPROJECTGUTENBERGEBOOKPYGMALION***

*****Thisfileshouldbenamed3825-h.htmor3825-h.zip*****

Thisandallassociatedfilesofvariousformatswillbefoundin:

http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/2/3825/

ProducedbyEveSobol.HTMLversionbyAlHaines.

Updatededitionswillreplacethepreviousone--theoldeditions

willberenamed.

Creatingtheworksfrompublicdomainprinteditionsmeansthatno

oneownsaUnitedStatescopyrightintheseworks,sotheFoundation

(andyou!)cancopyanddistributeitintheUnitedStateswithout

permissionandwithoutpayingcopyrightroyalties.Specialrules,

setforthintheGeneralTermsofUsepartofthislicense,applyto

copyinganddistributingProjectGutenberg-tmelectronicworksto

protectthePROJECTGUTENBERG-tmconceptandtrademark.Project

Gutenbergisaregisteredtrademark,andmaynotbeusedifyou

chargefortheeBooks,unlessyoureceivespecificpermission.Ifyou

donotchargeanythingforcopiesofthiseBook,complyingwiththe

rulesisveryeasy.YoumayusethiseBookfornearlyanypurpose

suchascreationofderivativeworks,reports,performancesand

research.Theymaybemodifiedandprintedandgivenaway--youmaydo

practicallyANYTHINGwithpublicdomaineBooks.Redistributionis

subjecttothetrademarklicense,especiallycommercial

redistribution.

***START:FULLLICENSE***

THEFULLPROJECTGUTENBERGLICENSE

PLEASEREADTHISBEFOREYOUDISTRIBUTEORUSETHISWORK

ToprotecttheProjectGutenberg-tmmissionofpromotingthefree

distributionofelectronicworks,byusingordistributingthiswork

(oranyotherworkassociatedinanywaywiththephrase"Project

Gutenberg"),youagreetocomplywithallthetermsoftheFullProject

Gutenberg-tmLicense(availablewiththisfileoronlineat

http://gutenberg.net/license).

Section1.GeneralTermsofUseandRedistributingProjectGutenberg-tm

electronicworks

1.A.ByreadingorusinganypartofthisProjectGutenberg-tm

electronicwork,youindicatethatyouhaveread,understand,agreeto

andacceptallthetermsofthislicenseandintellectualproperty

(trademark/copyright)agreement.Ifyoudonotagreetoabidebyall

thetermsofthisagreement,youmustceaseusingandreturnordestroy

allcopiesofProjectGutenberg-tmelectronicworksinyourpossession.

IfyoupaidafeeforobtainingacopyoforaccesstoaProject

Gutenberg-tmelectronicworkandyoudonotagreetobeboundbythe

termsofthisagreement,youmayobtainarefundfromthepersonor

entitytowhomyoupaidthefeeassetforthinparagraph1.E.8.

1.B."ProjectGutenberg"isaregisteredtrademark.Itmayonlybe

usedonorassociatedinanywaywithanelectronicworkbypeoplewho

agreetobeboundbythetermsofthisagreement.Thereareafew

thingsthatyoucandowithmostProjectGutenberg-tmelectronicworks

evenwithoutcomplyingwiththefulltermsofthisagreement.See

paragraph1.Cbelow.TherearealotofthingsyoucandowithProject

Gutenberg-tmelectronicworksifyoufollowthetermsofthisagreement

andhelppreservefreefutureaccesstoProjectGutenberg-tmelectronic

works.Seeparagraph1.Ebelow.

1.C.TheProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundation("theFoundation"

orPGLAF),ownsacompilationcopyrightinthecollectionofProject

Gutenberg-tmelectronicworks.Nearlyalltheindividualworksinthe

collectionareinthepublicdomainintheUnitedStates.Ifan

individualworkisinthepublicdomainintheUnitedStatesandyouare

locatedintheUnitedStates,wedonotclaimarighttopreventyoufrom

copying,distributing,performing,displayingorcreatingderivative

worksbasedontheworkaslongasallreferencestoProjectGutenberg

areremoved.Ofcourse,wehopethatyouwillsupporttheProject

Gutenberg-tmmissionofpromotingfreeaccesstoelectronicworksby

freelysharingProjectGutenberg-tmworksincompliancewiththetermsof

thisagreementforkeepingtheProjectGutenberg-tmnameassociatedwith

thework.Youcaneasilycomplywiththetermsofthisagreementby

keepingthisworkinthesameformatwithitsattachedfullProject

Gutenberg-tmLicensewhenyoushareitwithoutchargewithothers.

1.D.Thecopyrightlawsoftheplacewhereyouarelocatedalsogovern

whatyoucandowiththiswork.Copyrightlawsinmostcountriesarein

aconstantstateofchange.IfyouareoutsidetheUnitedStates,check

thelawsofyourcountryinadditiontothetermsofthisagreement

beforedownloading,copying,displaying,performing,distributingor

creatingderivativeworksbasedonthisworkoranyotherProject

Gutenberg-tmwork.TheFoundationmakesnorepresentationsconcerning

thecopyrightstatusofanyworkinanycountryoutsidetheUnited

States.

1.E.UnlessyouhaveremovedallreferencestoProjectGutenberg:

1.E.1.Thefollowingsentence,withactivelinksto,orotherimmediate

accessto,thefullProjectGutenberg-tmLicensemustappearprominently

wheneveranycopyofaProjectGutenberg-tmwork(anyworkonwhichthe

phrase"ProjectGutenberg"appears,orwithwhichthephrase"Project

Gutenberg"isassociated)isaccessed,displayed,performed,viewed,

copiedordistributed:

ThiseBookisfortheuseofanyoneanywhereatnocostandwith

almostnorestrictionswhatsoever.Youmaycopyit,giveitawayor

re-useitunderthetermsoftheProjectGutenbergLicenseincluded

withthiseBookoronlineatwww.gutenberg.net

1.E.2.IfanindividualProjectGutenberg-tmelectronicworkisderived

fromthepublicdomain(doesnotcontainanoticeindicatingthatitis

postedwithpermissionofthecopyrightholder),theworkcanbecopied

anddistributedtoanyoneintheUnitedStateswithoutpayinganyfees

orcharges.Ifyouareredistributingorprovidingaccesstoawork

withthephrase"ProjectGutenberg"associatedwithorappearingonthe

work,youmustcomplyeitherwiththerequirementsofparagraphs1.E.1

through1.E.7orobtainpermissionfortheuseoftheworkandthe

ProjectGutenberg-tmtrademarkassetforthinparagraphs1.E.8or

1.E.9.

1.E.3.IfanindividualProjectGutenberg-tmelectronicworkisposted

withthepermissionofthecopyrightholder,youruseanddistribution

mustcomplywithbothparagraphs1.E.1through1.E.7andanyadditional

termsimposedbythecopyrightholder.Additionaltermswillbelinked

totheProjectGutenberg-tmLicenseforallworkspostedwiththe

permissionofthecopyrightholderfoundatthebeginningofthiswork.

1.E.4.DonotunlinkordetachorremovethefullProjectGutenberg-tm

Licensetermsfromthiswork,oranyfilescontainingapartofthis

workoranyotherworkassociatedwithProjectGutenberg-tm.

1.E.5.Donotcopy,display,perform,distributeorredistributethis

electronicwork,oranypartofthiselectronicwork,without

prominentlydisplayingthesentencesetforthinparagraph1.E.1with

activelinksorimmediateaccesstothefulltermsoftheProject

Gutenberg-tmLicense.

1.E.6.Youmayconverttoanddistributethisworkinanybinary,

compressed,markedup,nonproprietaryorproprietaryform,includingany

wordprocessingorhypertextform.However,ifyouprovideaccesstoor

distributecopiesofaProjectGutenberg-tmworkinaformatotherthan

"PlainVanillaASCII"orotherformatusedintheofficialversion

postedontheofficialProjectGutenberg-tmwebsite(www.gutenberg.net),

youmust,atnoadditionalcost,feeorexpensetotheuser,providea

copy,ameansofexportingacopy,orameansofobtainingacopyupon

request,oftheworkinitsoriginal"PlainVanillaASCII"orother

form.AnyalternateformatmustincludethefullProjectGutenberg-tm

Licenseasspecifiedinparagraph1.E.1.

1.E.7.Donotchargeafeeforaccessto,viewing,displaying,

performing,copyingordistributinganyProjectGutenberg-tmworks

unlessyoucomplywithparagraph1.E.8or1.E.9.

1.E.8.Youmaychargeareasonablefeeforcopiesoforproviding

accesstoordistributingProjectGutenberg-tmelectronicworksprovided

that

-Youpayaroyaltyfeeof20%ofthegrossprofitsyouderivefrom

theuseofProjectGutenberg-tmworkscalculatedusingthemethod

youalreadyusetocalculateyourapplicabletaxes.Thefeeis

owedtotheowneroftheProjectGutenberg-tmtrademark,buthe

hasagreedtodonateroyaltiesunderthisparagraphtothe

ProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundation.Royaltypayments

mustbepaidwithin60daysfollowingeachdateonwhichyou

prepare(orarelegallyrequiredtoprepare)yourperiodictax

returns.Royaltypaymentsshouldbeclearlymarkedassuchand

senttotheProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundationatthe

addressspecifiedinSection4,"Informationaboutdonationsto

theProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundation."

-Youprovideafullrefundofanymoneypaidbyauserwhonotifies

youinwriting(orbye-mail)within30daysofreceiptthats/he

doesnotagreetothetermsofthefullProjectGutenberg-tm

License.Youmustrequiresuchausertoreturnor

destroyallcopiesoftheworkspossessedinaphysicalmedium

anddiscontinuealluseofandallaccesstoothercopiesof

ProjectGutenberg-tmworks.

-Youprovide,inaccordancewithparagraph1.F.3,afullrefundofany

moneypaidforaworkorareplacementcopy,ifadefectinthe

electronicworkisdiscoveredandreportedtoyouwithin90days

ofreceiptofthework.

-Youcomplywithallothertermsofthisagreementforfree

distributionofProjectGutenberg-tmworks.

1.E.9.IfyouwishtochargeafeeordistributeaProjectGutenberg-tm

electronicworkorgroupofworksondifferenttermsthanareset

forthinthisagreement,youmustobtainpermissioninwritingfrom

boththeProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundationandMichael

Hart,theowneroftheProjectGutenberg-tmtrademark.Contactthe

FoundationassetforthinSection3below.

1.F.

1.F.1.ProjectGutenbergvolunteersandemployeesexpendconsiderable

efforttoidentify,docopyrightresearchon,transcribeandproofread

publicdomainworksincreatingtheProjectGutenberg-tm

collection.Despitetheseefforts,ProjectGutenberg-tmelectronic

works,andthemediumonwhichtheymaybestored,maycontain

"Defects,"suchas,butnotlimitedto,incomplete,inaccurateor

corruptdata,transcriptionerrors,acopyrightorotherintellectual

propertyinfringement,adefectiveordamageddiskorothermedium,a

computervirus,orcomputercodesthatdamageorcannotbereadby

yourequipment.

1.F.2.LIMITEDWARRANTY,DISCLAIMEROFDAMAGES-Exceptforthe"Right

ofReplacementorRefund"describedinparagraph1.F.3,theProject

GutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundation,theowneroftheProject

Gutenberg-tmtrademark,andanyotherpartydistributingaProject

Gutenberg-tmelectronicworkunderthisagreement,disclaimall

liabilitytoyoufordamages,costsandexpenses,includinglegal

fees.YOUAGREETHATYOUHAVENOREMEDIESFORNEGLIGENCE,STRICT

LIABILITY,BREACHOFWARRANTYORBREACHOFCONTRACTEXCEPTTHOSE

PROVIDEDINPARAGRAPHF3.YOUAGREETHATTHEFOUNDATION,THE

TRADEMARKOWNER,ANDANYDISTRIBUTORUNDERTHISAGREEMENTWILLNOTBE

LIABLETOYOUFORACTUAL,DIRECT,INDIRECT,CONSEQUENTIAL,PUNITIVEOR

INCIDENTALDAMAGESEVENIFYOUGIVENOTICEOFTHEPOSSIBILITYOFSUCH

DAMAGE.

1.F.3.LIMITEDRIGHTOFREPLACEMENTORREFUND-Ifyoudiscovera

defectinthiselectronicworkwithin90daysofreceivingit,youcan

receivearefundofthemoney(ifany)youpaidforitbysendinga

writtenexplanationtothepersonyoureceivedtheworkfrom.Ifyou

receivedtheworkonaphysicalmedium,youmustreturnthemediumwith

yourwrittenexplanation.Thepersonorentitythatprovidedyouwith

thedefectiveworkmayelecttoprovideareplacementcopyinlieuofa

refund.Ifyoureceivedtheworkelectronically,thepersonorentity

providingittoyoumaychoosetogiveyouasecondopportunityto

receivetheworkelectronicallyinlieuofarefund.Ifthesecondcopy

isalsodefective,youmaydemandarefundinwritingwithoutfurther

opportunitiestofixtheproblem.

1.F.4.Exceptforthelimitedrightofreplacementorrefundsetforth

inparagraph1.F.3,thisworkisprovidedtoyou'AS-IS'WITHNOOTHER

WARRANTIESOFANYKIND,EXPRESSORIMPLIED,INCLUDINGBUTNOTLIMITEDTO

WARRANTIESOFMERCHANTIBILITYORFITNESSFORANYPURPOSE.

1.F.5.Somestatesdonotallowdisclaimersofcertainimplied

warrantiesortheexclusionorlimitationofcertaintypesofdamages.

Ifanydisclaimerorlimitationsetforthinthisagreementviolatesthe

lawofthestateapplicabletothisagreement,theagreementshallbe

interpretedtomakethemaximumdisclaimerorlimitationpermittedby

theapplicablestatelaw.Theinvalidityorunenforceabilityofany

provisionofthisagreementshallnotvoidtheremainingprovisions.

1.F.6.INDEMNITY-YouagreetoindemnifyandholdtheFoundation,the

trademarkowner,anyagentoremployeeoftheFoundation,anyone

providingcopiesofProjectGutenberg-tmelectronicworksinaccordance

withthisagreement,andanyvolunteersassociatedwiththeproduction,

promotionanddistributionofProjectGutenberg-tmelectronicworks,

harmlessfromallliability,costsandexpenses,includinglegalfees,

thatarisedirectlyorindirectlyfromanyofthefollowingwhichyoudo

orcausetooccur:(a)distributionofthisoranyProjectGutenberg-tm

work,(b)alteration,modification,oradditionsordeletionstoany

ProjectGutenberg-tmwork,and(c)anyDefectyoucause.

Section2.InformationabouttheMissionofProjectGutenberg-tm

ProjectGutenberg-tmissynonymouswiththefreedistributionof

electronicworksinformatsreadablebythewidestvarietyofcomputers

includingobsolete,old,middle-agedandnewcomputers.Itexists

becauseoftheeffortsofhundredsofvolunteersanddonationsfrom

peopleinallwalksoflife.

Volunteersandfinancialsupporttoprovidevolunteerswiththe

assistancetheyneedarecriticaltoreachingProjectGutenberg-tm's

goalsandensuringthattheProjectGutenberg-tmcollectionwill

remainfreelyavailableforgenerationstocome.In2001,theProject

GutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundationwascreatedtoprovideasecure

andpermanentfutureforProjectGutenberg-tmandfuturegenerations.

TolearnmoreabouttheProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundation

andhowyoureffortsanddonationscanhelp,seeSections3and4

andtheFoundationwebpageathttp://www.pglaf.org.

Section3.InformationabouttheProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchive

Foundation

TheProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundationisanonprofit

501(c)(3)educationalcorporationorganizedunderthelawsofthe

stateofMississippiandgrantedtaxexemptstatusbytheInternal

RevenueService.TheFoundation'sEINorfederaltaxidentification

numberis64-6221541.Its501(c)(3)letterispostedat

http://pglaf.org/fundraising.ContributionstotheProjectGutenberg

LiteraryArchiveFoundationaretaxdeductibletothefullextent

permittedbyU.S.federallawsandyourstate'slaws.

TheFoundation'sprincipalofficeislocatedat4557MelanDr.S.

Fairbanks,AK,99712.,butitsvolunteersandemployeesarescattered

throughoutnumerouslocations.Itsbusinessofficeislocatedat

809North1500West,SaltLakeCity,UT84116,(801)596-1887,email

business@pglaf.org.Emailcontactlinksanduptodatecontact

informationcanbefoundattheFoundation'swebsiteandofficial

pageathttp://pglaf.org

Foradditionalcontactinformation:

Dr.GregoryB.Newby

ChiefExecutiveandDirector

gbnewby@pglaf.org

Section4.InformationaboutDonationstotheProjectGutenberg

LiteraryArchiveFoundation

ProjectGutenberg-tmdependsuponandcannotsurvivewithoutwide

spreadpublicsupportanddonationstocarryoutitsmissionof

increasingthenumberofpublicdomainandlicensedworksthatcanbe

freelydistributedinmachinereadableformaccessiblebythewidest

arrayofequipmentincludingoutdatedequipment.Manysmalldonations

($1to$5,000)areparticularlyimportanttomaintainingtaxexempt

statuswiththeIRS.

TheFoundationiscommittedtocomplyingwiththelawsregulating

charitiesandcharitabledonationsinall50statesoftheUnited

States.Compliancerequirementsarenotuniformandittakesa

considerableeffort,muchpaperworkandmanyfeestomeetandkeepup

withtheserequirements.Wedonotsolicitdonationsinlocations

wherewehavenotreceivedwrittenconfirmationofcompliance.To

SENDDONATIONSordeterminethestatusofcomplianceforany

particularstatevisithttp://pglaf.org

Whilewecannotanddonotsolicitcontributionsfromstateswherewe

havenotmetthesolicitationrequirements,weknowofnoprohibition

againstacceptingunsoliciteddonationsfromdonorsinsuchstateswho

approachuswithofferstodonate.

Internationaldonationsaregratefullyaccepted,butwecannotmake

anystatementsconcerningtaxtreatmentofdonationsreceivedfrom

outsidetheUnitedStates.U.S.lawsaloneswampoursmallstaff.

PleasechecktheProjectGutenbergWebpagesforcurrentdonation

methodsandaddresses.Donationsareacceptedinanumberofother

waysincludingincludingchecks,onlinepaymentsandcreditcard

donations.Todonate,pleasevisit:http://pglaf.org/donate

Section5.GeneralInformationAboutProjectGutenberg-tmelectronic

works.

ProfessorMichaelS.HartistheoriginatoroftheProjectGutenberg-tm

conceptofalibraryofelectronicworksthatcouldbefreelyshared

withanyone.Forthirtyyears,heproducedanddistributedProject

Gutenberg-tmeBookswithonlyaloosenetworkofvolunteersupport.

ProjectGutenberg-tmeBooksareoftencreatedfromseveralprinted

editions,allofwhichareconfirmedasPublicDomainintheU.S.

unlessacopyrightnoticeisincluded.Thus,wedonotnecessarily

keepeBooksincompliancewithanyparticularpaperedition.

MostpeoplestartatourWebsitewhichhasthemainPGsearchfacility:

http://www.gutenberg.net

ThisWebsiteincludesinformationaboutProjectGutenberg-tm,

includinghowtomakedonationstotheProjectGutenbergLiterary

ArchiveFoundation,howtohelpproduceourneweBooks,andhowto

subscribetoouremailnewslettertohearaboutneweBooks.

TableofContentsPYGMALIONBERNARDSHAW

1912ACT1ACT2ACT3ACT4ACT5

PREFACETOPYGMALION.AProfessorofPhonetics.

ACTIACTIIACTIIIACTIVACTV